Child’s Life Stage: Toddler

When Motherhood Feels Like You’re Losing Yourself

Motherhood changes a person. We take on a new identity and a new role—one that we are mostly unprepared for; a role that may not come naturally, doesn’t always have straightforward answers and may require a whole lot of trial and error.  

Overnight, our world suddenly involves making sure that someone else is safe, loved and raised. We are thrown into situations we have no experience of, relying on the wisdom of those who have gone before—through books, the internet and maybe a friend’s tales. Most of us are just trying to figure it out along the way. 

The Changes In Motherhood 

Motherhood comes with multiple adjustments—the physical changes to our bodies through and after pregnancy; possibly the changes to our available capacities at our jobs; or a change in work status, choosing to stay home to raise children in this season; a change to our lifestyles as we have reduced time and energy for social activities and hobbies. It can feel like we are losing a big part of the person we used to be. Things are just not the same as before.  

A Mother’s Desire 

At the core of motherhood is also the desire to always want to do what is best for our children. From the moment we see those two lines on the pregnancy test kit to even after our adult child leaves the home, we never stop wondering, “Have I done enough?” We never stop being mothers. 

In the myriad of decisions we make for ourselves and our children daily, we always wonder if there was a better choice. From choosing to stay at home and be the main caregiver, or to continue working outside the home; choosing to breastfeed or formula feed our babies; choosing schools, classes, activities; or choosing one discipline method over another.  

We feel pulled and stretched in all directions, trying to meet expectations and fulfil each of our roles as wife, mother, worker, daughter. We try to do everything to the best of our ability and yet sometimes still feel like we fall short. 

In the light of these changes and expectations, it is too easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted and discouraged. How do we get used to this new normal? How do we navigate motherhood through societal expectations while also meeting our family’s needs?  

1. Avoid comparisons 

Motherhood is not a competition. We are all on our own paths. Our family and life circumstances are all different and therefore demands different choices and responses.  

It is too easy to look over our shoulder and think, “That mum looks like she has the better life. I wish I had that.” Comparison is a thief of joy. Truth be told, we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. We get distracted into thinking that only when we have a certain life will our families be happy.  

While it is helpful to glean wisdom from other women that we admire and look up to, we need to discern how to fit that wisdom into our own unique situation. Not everything may be directly applied.  

We need to grow to be confident in our choices and tell ourselves, it is ok if my family looks different. 

2. Give yourself time to figure things out

Motherhood is a long journey that is filled with constant changes. We don’t figure out motherhood in an instance. Just as we think we’ve mastered one aspect of motherhood, a new challenge emerges, and the learning begins all over again. Nothing ever stays the same in motherhood. We need to trust the process. 

Give ourselves time to find our own pace, figure out what works for our families and manage our own expectations. As our children grow, their needs will evolve, and we likewise will have to adapt alongside them. As with any new job or responsibility, we take time to learn the task, pick up the skills and get better at the role over time. 

Be kind to ourselves and give ourselves grace to learn, make mistakes and grow from it. 

3. Accept help 

Motherhood is not meant to be a solo act. Mothers are a strong bunch. We are master jugglers, multitaskers, jack of all trades. We have interests and passions, dreams and goals. If we could, we would do them all. But we have the same 24 hours and in reality, we probably cannot do it all on our own. It is far too likely that we are stretched thin and exhausted.  

We need to be willing to ask for and accept help. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. Beyond the practical help we may receive from physically caring for children, we also need to learn to manage our mental load and receive emotional support from friends and loved ones. This may look like getting to know other mothers who can empathise and understand what we are going through. Friendships make the journey less lonely.  

Find trusted friends who will listen and encourage us, filling our emotional tank through this challenging season of motherhood, which in turn, fuels us to keep caring for our children.

Motherhood is both terrifying and exhilarating; worrying and fulfilling. It sometimes brings us to our knees in tears and frustration, and at other moments, lifts our spirits and brings much joy to our hearts because somehow, that is what children do to us.  

We may not have it all, and we may not know it all, but we sure try and give it our all. That is worth celebrating! 

GE2025 – Wishlist of a First-Time Voter and an Expecting Dad

My wife, Andrea, and I got married last year, and we’re expecting our first child in three months. That’s two major life transitions in a single year — all at the tender age of 26! 

As I prepare to vote for the first time this coming General Election, the first person I think of is our unborn daughter. It is sobering to know that the choices we make today will shape the Singapore she grows up in tomorrow. 

Pregnancy has been a beautiful journey — one of imagining who our daughter might be – what brings her joy, how her eyes will look like, and what kind of world she’ll inherit. And that’s where my heart keeps returning: the kind of Singapore I want her to call home.  

Here are six dreams I carry as I prepare to cast my first vote — not just as a citizen, but as a husband and father. 

My dream is that my daughter will be defined by more than her academic results. I hope that when she sits for the PSLE, she won’t be crushed by the pressure to perform.   

1. Generational love and unity 

My dream is for my daughter to grow up in a Singapore where generations live in unity, beginning in our homes.  

I dream of a family culture where honour flows naturally between the young and old – and this starts with a strong bond with my daughter.  

At Chinese New Year, I want my children to give their heartfelt blessing to their elders (our parents), not just to receive an ang bao, but because they truly respect the older generation and the many sacrifices they’ve made for them. 

This culture of honouring the older generations starts at home.  

Andrea and I are blessed to have our child early in marriage, and her great-grandparents will get to meet her. We believe she will be a bridge between generations – bringing much life and joy to our grandmothers even in their sunset years.  

Looking beyond our family, what could inter-generational unity look like in our nation? 

Imagine a Singapore where schools, workplaces, and hawker centres are marked by strong bonds and trust between the different generations.  

Teachers don’t just teach a subject but nurture the future minds and hearts of our nation, through genuine care for their students. Imagine students expressing genuine appreciation for their teachers and the sacrifices they make for them – whether that’s spending extra time with them after school to help them understand harder concepts, or calling out a hidden strength in them. 

Imagine workplaces where interns are mentored, not just instructed to do menial tasks. 

Imagine our public places of communion such as the hawker centre, where our children greet the auntie clearing our tables with a genuine smile and a thank you – seeing her as her person, beyond the task she is doing.  

This kind of mutual respect doesn’t just happen — it’s built one home, one community, one interaction at a time. 

There’s so much more to each person we meet in our daily interactions than just their jobs. I dream of a Singapore where people aren’t solely defined by their work, but we are acknowledged as people. 

2. Children will be defined beyond their grades 

My dream is that my daughter will be defined by more than her academic results. I hope that when she sits for the PSLE, she won’t be crushed by the pressure to perform.  

I hope she’ll grow up in a school ecosystem that partners with us to shape her character, beyond her grades. Where teachers see her as a whole person, not just a student.  

I want to receive a call not just when she’s in trouble, but when she helps a classmate, or displays sportsmanship at a competition.  

The Edusave Character Award and Edusave Award for Achievement, Good Leadership and Service show that our schools values leadership and character, not just good grades.  

But more can be done, starting in our homes.  

Maybe then, festive gatherings will have conversations that go beyond, “Which school are you in?” or “How well did you do for your exams?” – to include questions like, “How are you enjoying learning in school? What’s something interesting your teacher taught you lately?” 

When our conversations shift from performance to the love of learning and discovery, we will notice a slow shift in how we talk about children – to focus more on their process, beyond the results.    

3. A culture that sees people beyond their jobs

The other day, my wife and I were queuing to pay for our food at Muji café, and I noticed the service staff were wearing name tags. When it was our turn to pay, I looked him in the eye and with a big smile, thanked him by name. 

He paused for a few seconds, before breaking into a smile, and proceeded to return me my change.  

I’m guessing it took him a while to register that to me, he was not just the guy serving me my food, but he was a human with a name and a story.  

There’s so much more to each person we meet in our daily interactions than just their jobs. I dream of a Singapore where people aren’t solely defined by their work, but we are acknowledged as people.  

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that purpose isn’t just in productivity, and that every role—from the hawker aunty to Grab delivery rider to the business owner—has dignity. 

I want her to know that being a good friend, a kind neighbour, or a daughter matters just as much as landing a high-paying job. 

And this mindset has to be first shaped at home.  

I want to affirm my daughter how beautiful and loved she is, to whisper to her daily that she is cherished by her father. Beyond her academic achievements and career choices, I want to commend her effort, her choices, and her dreams. 

I hope my daughter will grow up knowing the love of a father. I want to be both physically and emotionally present with her, especially in her formative years. 

4. A safe environment for children 

My family just secured our Build to Order Flat (BTO) a few months back, and we are excited to build our first home as the Ong family.  

As we were looking at the HDB models while selecting our flat, we couldn’t help but dream of where our kids would play, who our neighbours would be, and which school she would attend.  

Here in Singapore, we are so privileged to have a community to work, play and rest in –whether that’s in our housing estate, in school, or our faith community. With an ecosystem of support, my daughter will grow up to have wholesome influences in her life beyond our home.  

In school, her teachers and coaches will sharpen her skills academically, in sports and the arts.  

In our community and extended family, she will have mentors and family members who would love her and develop her in ways beyond what my wife and I can offer.  

In our estate, she will make good friends at the playground and befriend the uncles and aunties in our neighbourhood. 

In such a safe and supportive environment, hopefully other families will also be thriving. When families flourish, children grow up with a deep sense of security, belonging, and purpose. This is where our daughter to develop a strong sense of identity and belonging—first at home, then in our local community, and in our nation Singapore. 

After all, it takes a village to raise a child, and we know we cannot do it on our own! 

We need narratives that celebrate faithful marriages. We need good and committed mentors in the community who will walk young couples through the tough seasons, not just marriage preparation. 

5. Each person will know the love of a father 

I hope my daughter will grow up knowing the love of a father. 

I want to be both physically and emotionally present with her, especially in her formative years. I want to be the kind of father who listens, protects, provides, teaches, and plays with her. 

There’s a unique confidence a child carries when they know the strength of a father. They are deeply secure and confident in their identity, and more resilient when navigating life’s complexities.  

In our culture, mothers have predominantly played the role of the caregiver, but things are slowly beginning to shift as fathers are becoming equally involved as mothers.  

Even in our workplace policies, paternity leave has been increased to four weeks, the shared parental leave scheme has been introduced, and beyond that, my workplace has a suite of other family-friendly workplace policies.  

Beyond policy, I hope that the culture in Singapore will be one which values the role of a father.  

I have experienced this at my hospital visits to KKH – where the doctors affirmed my attitude when I displayed a keenness to find out more about my wife’s pregnancy and how to support our growing baby.  

Let’s continue to build the ecosystems that support fathers—workplaces that champion paternity leave, community groups that equip and supports fathers, and media that portray strong father figures who lead their families with strength and love.   

6. Marriage will be desirable  

I dream that marriage will once again be a hopeful and desirable milestone for young Singaporeans. 

I know marriage isn’t easy. But with the right preparation and support, it brings much stability to children, and strength to our society. 

We need narratives that celebrate faithful marriages. We need good and committed mentors in the community who will walk young couples through the tough seasons, not just marriage preparation. 

And we need policies that support couples as they begin married life—affordable housing, child support, and family-friendly workplaces. 

Andrea and I chose to get married young, because we desired to build a shared life early. We have found that commitment and a shared vision can weather even the hardest days and our hardest fights, but that’s a story for another day. 

If our daughter sees a marriage marked by grace and forgiveness, hopefully she might one day desire the same. 

As I prepare to cast my vote in GE2025, I carry these dreams with me — not just as a citizen, but as a husband and father. 

Singapore is not perfect. But it is our home. If we build well — with honour, love, and courage — I believe our children will inherit a nation worth loving. 

And that’s a future I look forward to. 

A Day in the Life of a New Dad

It’s 10.30am.  

I’ve just made my coffee and booted up my laptop to kickstart the work day. Sounds like the ideal start to a work-from-home (WFH) day, right? 

Except for the fact that I’ve barely had more than 3 hours of sleep the night before. 

My daughter – in her wisdom gained from five months of babyhood – decided that the time I was going to bed was the appropriate time for her to wake up and initiate a staring contest. It was my turn to take the night shift, hence I was the chosen competitor. And so, we competed through the wee hours of the morning in between my futile attempts to pat her back to sleep. These baby growth spurts hit hard, and she was going through another one. 

By the time I handed baby over to my wife for her feed, it was 6.30am.  Baby was clearly the victor in the staring contest, as I crashed in defeat and succumbed to sleep. 

I hope this was ample justification for starting work a little later today, as I begin writing this article. While this may be frowned upon by some, I’m grateful that my workplace has given me breathing space as I manoeuvre the demands of parenthood. For one, the flexible work arrangements here allow for us to have scheduled WFH days.  Occasionally, our work hours can be somewhat flexible too. As long as meetings and deadlines are accounted for and we are contactable during work hours, we have the autonomy to order our workday and catch up on work outside of the usual work hours. 

My supervisor – being a parent herself – is understanding, and my colleagues and I trust one another to complete our share of the work. 

(The baby is crying. I’ll be right back.) 

We even have a term for it: baby therapy.

It’s 1pm.  

I’ve just put baby down for her nap, and hopefully that buys me some time to continue writing.  

Baby was fussing earlier, and my wife needed some time to prepare to leave for work. As a tuition teacher, her work schedule differs significantly from mine. She has lessons scheduled for the entire afternoon today and would only be back home later in the evening. My WFH arrangement was intentionally scheduled to allow me to care for our daughter on such days.  

There are times when I would need to attend in-office meetings on my scheduled WFH days. When this happens, I am grateful to be able to bring baby along with me. 

During my daughter’s first visit, the entire office – even our CEO – stopped work and gathered around the stroller to enjoy baby’s presence, and many took turns carrying her. We even have a term for it: “baby therapy,” and I’m glad that my colleagues enjoy having baby around.  

A major diaper accident happened during one of baby’s subsequent visits. Instead of being told off for the mess and unpleasant smell, colleagues who were fellow parents jumped in to save the distressed baby and father. 

I attend meetings in office with baby strapped to me in a carrier. However, it is not uncommon to see staff helping to babysit toddlers while the parent attends a meeting, or to see older children roaming around the office.  

At the time of writing this, three of our colleagues had just given birth within the same week, and at least one more was due in the coming months. Our People and Culture team were hard at work preparing the office for these newborns and had converted one of our counselling rooms into a nursing room, complete with a diaper changing table. These may be small gestures but they show the organisation’s support for our team members entering the season of parenthood. 

We not only take the time to get to know one another as colleagues but as friends as well, and this too has a great impact on how we work. 

It’s 4pm. 

Baby had a solid two-hour nap and I’ve been entertaining her for the past hour. She is currently enjoying tummy time on the play-mat, as I sit close by and squeeze in as many sentences as I can before she decides that she requires my full attention again. 

I was writing about my team’s culture earlier this morning. Beyond the flexible work policies and child-friendly workplace, people here trust one another both professionally and relationally. We not only take the time to get to know one another as colleagues but as friends as well, and this too has a great impact on how we work.  

There have been times when I have found myself falling behind on work. Before baby came, I would have been able to easily catch up if I pulled a few extra hours and ignored everything else to get the work done. But with baby now, I can’t exactly ignore her when she cries for my attention.  

At times like these, the team has been gracious to cover for me. Likewise, I return the favour when my capacity allows me to. Weekly team check-ins have allowed us to practice accountability and open communication with each other, and to ensure that the team’s personal wellbeing and work deadlines are looked after. 

My WFH arrangement has allowed me to be more present for my daughter in her early formative years. For me, the disrupted sleep and extra effort to stay on task at work is worth it. 

It’s now 11pm.  

After putting baby down for her late afternoon nap, I started to prepare dinner. We enjoyed family dinner and time together with our daughter before her bedtime routine. I managed to squeeze in a quick workout as baby was nursing to sleep, before my wife and I tackled the laundry while chatting about our day. We are now both at our study desks ready to catch up on our work, with the baby monitor nestled in between our laptops.  

Has my workload decreased because of the change in life stage? Probably not, and it can certainly get tiring trying to keep up. But this arrangement has allowed me to be more present for my daughter in her early formative years. For me, the disrupted sleep and extra effort to stay on task at work is worth it.  

Beyond the additional paternity leave that I enjoy, having the privilege of a supportive workplace with flexible work policies, child-friendly environment, and understanding colleagues have been a great boost in supporting my growth in both my professional and family roles. While not all industries can afford to have such flexible work practices, just a small shift in our mindsets and culture can do wonders in supporting their employees’ wellbeing, family relationships and even family aspirations of their staff.  

Alright, time for me to catch up on work. I hope to be able to sleep as much as I can after, before baby initiates another staring contest.  

Positive Discipline: Why it’s Useful and 3 Ways to Practise it

The term “discipline” often brings to mind strict authority and punishment, shaped by our upbringing and culture.  

Yet, discipline is not the same as punishment. While punishment imposes consequences for undesirable behaviour, discipline guides individuals toward actions that benefit both themselves and others. 

Alicia Yah, a mother of four and a seasoned early childhood educator with over 23 years of experience, champions the approach of positive discipline. She believes a supportive, respectful environment is essential for nurturing children’s growth. 

“Positive discipline is a philosophy and set of practices that aim to teach and guide children by fostering a respectful and supportive environment,” Alicia explains. 

This approach contrasts with fear-based discipline, which is often associated with control through punishment. Alicia explains, “Instead of using punishment to control behaviour, positive discipline focuses on encouraging good behaviour through positive reinforcement, empathy, and setting clear and consistent boundaries.”  

While fear-based punishment may prompt quick compliance, positive discipline nurtures self-discipline and the internal motivation to do what’s right. Children learn responsibility as they are guided to understand and own their actions. This approach also builds trust between parent and child by fostering respect and open communication, rather than fear. 

Ready to start? Here are three principles for implementing positive discipline with your child: 

Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

1. Establishing consistent boundaries 

Establishing consistent boundaries is essential as children develop their own understanding of limits and safety. 

“Children do not know where the boundaries are, and as parents, we need to guide and teach them,” Alicia said. She encourages parents to explain the consequences of certain actions rather than using punishment to enforce compliance. For example, saying, “If you run across the road like this, you could get hurt should a car hit you,” helps children understand why limits are important. 

Consistency is crucial. If we set a rule—for instance, turning off the television at a specific time—we need to follow through with any stated consequence if the rule isn’t respected. Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

When boundaries are enforced with shouting or fear, it can signal to children that aggression is an acceptable response. Alicia reminds us to act as role models, and to be aware that our actions will shape our children’s behaviour.  

She also offers reassurance for those moments when we fall short and lose our temper. “As long as you want to connect with your child and make it right, we can be intentional to say sorry and try again. My encouragement to all parents is that we are not born ready-made parents; we will journey with our children. It’s okay for them to see us fail, as long as they also see our determination to return with greater resolve to parent well and be more patient,” she said. 

Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch. 

2. Connect before you correct

Some parents may worry that a respectful, connection-focused approach undermines their authority. In reality, maintaining boundaries while valuing connection fosters security and resilience in children. 

Power struggles can damage trust, so it’s helpful for spouses to support each other during challenging moments. Teaching children to “try again” after a mistake can also help. Alicia shared, “This is something that I do with my children—I ask, ‘Would you like to try again?’ Even my youngest, at four, can ask me that when I fall short, which signals to me that they are picking up this strategy as well.” 

When a child is upset, choosing not to mirror their frustration but staying nearby and being ready to connect can strengthen the bond. “Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch,” Alicia added. Hugging them when they have done something wrong communicates that you still love and accept them, even if you disapprove of their behaviour. 

Allow the child to calm down before addressing their behaviour. Prioritise connection over immediate correction, showing that you value them as a person, beyond correcting their actions.  

3. Co-creating solutions with your child

Once a child is calm, a collaborative approach can guide them toward understanding their actions and help them find alternative solutions. 

 “For example, if my child has shown inappropriate behaviour, after calming down, I might ask, ‘If you face this situation again, what would you do differently?’ Then, he can come up with a solution,” Alicia explained. “If the situation recurs and the solution doesn’t work, we discuss what went wrong and try again. This way, the child learns responsibility and knows that I am here to journey with them.” 

 As children grow older, involving them in co-creating solutions and boundaries not only builds their confidence but also shows that their ideas are valued. “The last thing we want is for our child to feel rejected or abandoned because of an inappropriate behaviour,” Alicia emphasised. 

Being a present parent means demonstrating consistency in our boundary-setting, maintaining connection, and engaging in co-creating solutions with our children. By embracing positive discipline, we empower children to grow and learn from their mistakes within a secure, loving relationship. 

5 Ways to Keep Your Kids Safe and Healthy Online

We live in a time where social media and short-form content are not just tools and sources of information, but a way of life. With the advent of AI chatbots and image generators, the online world presents as many dangers as benefits to our children. Here are 5 ways to keep them safe. 

1. Build in age-appropriate supervision

Before giving your child a mobile device with Internet access, think about the level of supervision and controls that are appropriate for your child’s age and level of maturity.  

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • As children of this age may not be aware of the risks of exploring the online world, we should consider adopting parental controls such as Google Family Link and Qustodio on our home computers and devices. 
  • At the same time, recognise that no parental control app is fool proof, so do keep an eye on children at this age whenever they have screen time.  
  • Children at this age do not need mobile phones. 

Tweens (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens may begin using the Internet for schoolwork. So, we will need to have conversations about the work they need to do online and agree on the boundaries for use. 
  • Some tweens may ask to get a social media account because their friends have them but may not have the maturity to manage issues such as peer pressure and cyber bullying. 

 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • As teens and late teens begin to utilise the internet for a variety of uses such as communication and homework, it may be impractical to maintain control simply through parental monitoring apps.  
  • Conversations and connecting with them over their hobbies and interests will begin to play a bigger role in understanding their needs and usage of screens. The goal should also gradually shift to helping them learn to self-manage their time and priorities.

2. Talk about the dangers and benefits

When we think ‘internet dangers’, the list seems to grow with each passing year. Recent issues like deepfake pornography, online bullying, and fake news are dominating the headlines. So, it’s important to lay out the potential harms that certain parts of the internet can inflict to children just starting to enter widespread internet culture and go over the ways they can safeguard themselves. 

3. Establish what’s good and what isn’t

When grappling with issues like body image, sexuality, and dating, it can be hard for your child to separate good ideas from not-so-good ones, especially when social media portrays a plethora of diverse views.  

Ongoing but small conversations can arm your child with the increasing ability to recognise safe and unsafe scenarios. 

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • Discussions with children from this age group should aim to protect them from common online threats such as online grooming, cyberbullying, and scams. 
  • Additionally, talk about online etiquette and digital literacy, such as how to differentiate between credible news sources and fake news or sensationalism. 

Tween years (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens are at the beginning of their adolescent years and may be particularly susceptible to online/peer influences, so it is not helpful for them to be exposed to overly sexualised images. 
  • Conversations about the different forms of cyberbullying may come in handy, as well as a basic idea of gender/sexuality. 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • Although teens are more independent and do not need, nor appreciate, our constant supervision, they still desire our presence, affirmation and attention. Use these years as an opportunity to share values about love and relationships with them. 

4. Build in-person connections

This one can be a little tricky, given the ubiquity of social media and that some people may genuinely find it difficult to make friends in real life. 

Social media tends to hide imperfections that children might’ve learned to accept if they met them in person such as acne, scars, or unusual talking habits.  

While you may not be able to control how physically social your child is, engaging with them in social activities such as sports, dinners or video games allows for meaningful dialogue between the two of you. Alternatively, facilitate parties/hangouts with his or her friends. 

5. Listen more than you speak!

Children are constantly growing, and the advice your child follows today may be questioned tomorrow.  

However, it’s still important that your child feels safe and accepted when they share their thoughts with you or seek advice from you—especially when they are discovering novel things on the internet that they might not be able to handle alone. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.  

How can I Balance Discipline with Joy and Fun at Home?

Children thrive in an environment where discipline and warmth co-exist. Discipline sets the boundaries that tell them what they can and cannot do, while warmth gives them the security of their parents’ unconditional love. However, balancing these two characteristics of a calm and conducive home can be challenging at times, so let’s explore some ways to help us achieve this! 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. 

Training their minds through discipline 

Often, parents discipline to change or control negative behaviours. However discipline should be seen as a tool to train their minds. Before we dive in, there are exceptions where discipline must be effective in changing behaviours, for example, where safety is concerned. 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. As much as we hope that they would make the right choice all the time, we must also allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.  

For example, my son insisted on having chocolates for snacks 5 days in a row. I told him how it would make him sick, but he still chose to eat them and true enough, he fell sick at the end of the period. That was the first and last time he ate chocolates for 5 days straight. The process of seeing him make this decision was hard and I knew exactly what was coming, but I knew that he had to go through it to truly learn this lesson.  

When we understand that the purpose of discipline is beyond just controlling their behaviour, we are able to execute it in a manner that facilitates effective learning.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. 

Discipline must be built upon trust 

The foundation of effective discipline is a trusting relationship between the parent and child. A relationship without trust is largely driven by fear. We need to be careful as we train our children up, that their obedience is driven by love and trust, not fear.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. However, if our children see their behaviour as a means to earn our approval, then they will obey out of fear and a desire to continually please us. In the long run, we risk losing intimacy in our relationship with them while trying to teach them. 

Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

Words matter 

In the process of disciplining our children, our words matter. As we teach them about right and wrong, we should never attack or make presumptions about their character with our words.  

Even when they have made a mistake, we need to learn how to come alongside to empathise with them and show them grace. This is easier said than done, especially when we were never brought up this way. However, we can take heart: Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter. 

Rules can be bent when… 

While we try to be consistent in holding out our boundaries and enforcing the rules that we set, sometimes we may find ourselves in situations where we feel unsure. There is a lot of fear when it comes to bending our rules because we don’t want to start something we cannot manage eventually. We fear that if we were to give in once, our very clever and observant children will pick it up and bargain for more. Where should we draw the line? 

The answer is: It depends.  

Rules are a guideline for our kids to understand structure and expectations in our homes. There is a place where rules must be enforced regardless. For example, we do not condone violence in our home, and there cannot be any compromise in such matters.  

However, when it comes to things that are more subjective, such as screen time, staying over at a friend’s house, it really depends on the situation. The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter.  

We can make exceptions if it helps to build trust between us and our child, or if we see that giving it as a one-off treat would really make a difference. For example, if your child is graduating and there is a sleepover at a classmate’s house, there can be room for negotiation as to what is allowed and strictly not. This helps our children understand that we care about what they think and feel as well. 

All we need is just a little imagination. 

Fun and joy bind it all together! 

There is just something magical about children having lots of fun and joy in the home. Maybe it speaks of how they really love their home, or it may reflect how closely knitted our family relationships are. Creating a home that is vibrant and filled with fun and laughter amidst structure and discipline may sound daunting (or impossible!) but here’s the secret: It’s in the little things! 

We can always spice things up by changing the way things are done. Adding a little plot to the mundane routines can make things way more enticing and exciting than we can ever imagine. I remember it was probably the third time I was packing the house and I was getting frustrated that the boys were oblivious to the mess. I knew that I did not want to do it alone, neither did I want to hear any more grumbling from them about packing their toys.  

So I put on my story-teller’s hat and told them that we needed to use our superpowers to save the toys from being eaten up by the vacuum cleaner. We all claimed our superpowers (sorting, re-arranging, lifting, etc) and kept the toys under record time that night. We even came up with our own tagline, “We are the best toys defender in town!” 

Fun and joy are as important as routines in a home, they are like the cream between the sponge layers. They bind everyone in the family together and are a strong motivation for our children to work with us and sometimes, things get done faster!  

All we need is just a little imagination. To create a balanced environment takes effort and intentionality, but start with the little things and implement one change at a time. You may not always be successful at the first try, but practice makes progress! Have fun! 

5 Ways to Build a Strong Family while Balancing Work and Studies

Last week, I found myself overwhelmed by a major work project. We had to set up engagement meetings for a launch next year, and I was also juggling final assignments for my semester—one on a complex topic I wasn’t familiar with.  

 On top of that, I was in the midst of applying for practicum sites for my counselling studies, while balancing time with my wife and young children at home. 

 Many readers may relate to the challenge of balancing multiple responsibilities. Some thrive on it, while others feel stretched, wondering if they’re doing enough for their families. Here, I share 5 lessons that have helped me find stability and purpose, even during life’s busiest times. 

“Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages.” 

1. Prioritise building strong family bonds  

I believe in the power of strong family bonds. Healthy family relationships provide essential emotional support, offering warmth and security that few other things in life can match. 

Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages. I’m grateful for how my wife listens to my frustrations, and I make it a point to do the same for her. During last week’s stressful period, her understanding gave me the perspective and strength I needed. 

Parenting can also be surprisingly comforting. Although it takes time and energy, our children’s affection can bring joy and ease our tensions. My son’s little notes, hugs, and gifts remind me of what truly matters in life. 

2. Extend support beyond your family 

These principles for building strong family connections can be extended to friendships and workplace relationships. Friendships, whether at work or elsewhere, can offer us support, especially in challenging times.  

Beyond our peers, open and respectful communication with our supervisors also fosters a healthy work environment. Last week, a helpful conversation with my supervisor gave me the support I needed on a project, and allowed me to deprioritise tasks that didn’t serve my goals. This freed my time up for other equally meaningful pursuits at home and in my studies. 

“Family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions.” 

3. Let go of perfection 

When we juggle multiple responsibilities, it’s unrealistic to expect a perfect outcome for every task. For instance, I learned that achieving straight A’s in my postgraduate studies wasn’t feasible while managing other commitments. Similarly, expecting endless emotional availability from myself or my family wasn’t reasonable, so I had to extend grace to my family members (and similarly receive the same from them too). 

 

4. Set realistic goals to prioritise what matters 

Adjusting our expectations is key to managing stress during intense periods at work and school. While excelling in our careers and studies is important, we should avoid compromising our core relationships in the pursuit of achievements.  

Knowing my values and committing to them helps me find balance. So for me, family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions at work and in my school.  

Ironically, releasing myself from the pressure to excel academically has improved my performance, as I became less anxious and more focused. 

As the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, Albert Ellis, once said, “People tend to disturb themselves with their ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s.” By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can focus on what truly matters and develop greater resilience for life. 

“Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons.” 

5. Tend to our own needs 

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of balancing life’s demands is ensuring our own needs are met. We wouldn’t expect a car to carry passengers and baggage if it’s out of fuel, yet we often overlook our own “fuel tanks.” Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons. 

How do we know if we’re meeting our needs effectively? William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, identifies five basic human needs: 

i. Love and belonging: The need for connection, affection, and acceptance from others. 

ii. Power: The need for achievement, competence, and recognition.   

iii. Freedom: The need for autonomy and the ability to make choices. 

iv. Fun: The need for enjoyment, play, and creativity.  

v. Survival: The basic need for physical health, safety, and security.  

 

Checking our need-o-meter can serve as a reminder to care for ourselves. We may start small, like rewarding ourselves with a nice meal after a busy week (meeting our fun and survival needs) or seeking alignment between our career and personal strengths (meeting our need for power and freedom). 

Remember, balance requires flexibility. By periodically assessing and meeting our needs, we can handle life’s demands with greater purpose and intentionality. 

 In season and out of season 

Nature teaches us valuable lessons about balance. Just as fruits thrive in their own seasons, and climates shift throughout the year, our lives also cycle through seasons of activity and rest.  

 We can’t sustain peak performance indefinitely without risking our most important relationships and well-being. Let’s prioritise what truly matters, invest in our support systems, and give ourselves the grace to adapt to life’s changing seasons. This way, we can emerge from each season with renewed strength and insight. 

Why are Boys’ and Girls’ Bodies Different?

Early years (0-3 Years) 

It is important that we teach our children from the get-go not to be ashamed of their own bodies. One way of doing this is to label body parts with proper terms, not nicknames. Teach your toddler that certain areas of their bodies are private and should not be shown or touched by anyone else other than trusted caregivers; even then, only under specific circumstances like shower time.  

If you have small kids of different sexes at home, there may be situations where your kids are in the shower together or the older child watches you change diapers of the younger. If they raise questions about the difference in anatomy, you can explain that boys and girls have different body parts because we were made to be different.  

You may think this is a small thing, but you are actually laying a foundation for open communication in your family about sex and relationships.   

Preschool years (4-6 Years) 

As they start pre-school and their world expands, your child may ask about body differences between boys and girls. Their language ability increases rapidly during this stage, so continue to use proper names.  

 While our children can be full of curious questions, their cognitive ability is still developing so keep your answers short and simple. Approaching it from science, you can point out that our bodies have different functions. For example, women have breasts that can provide milk for babies and their wombs are made for growing babies. 

 At school, they should also be taught to respect each other’s privacy when going to the toilet and during shower time. On your part, teach them the concept of self-respect which includes knowing how to protect their modesty, and how to say no to hugs or requests that make them uncomfortable.  

You may also want to take the opportunity to correct any unhelpful stereotypes your child might have picked up, e.g., “Boys cannot wear pink” or “Girls should not play soccer”.  

 We want to encourage the development of our children’s individual identity and interests, and help them grow to their full potential. 

Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the primary years, you can share more information about body differences as their thinking becomes more sophisticated. An easy way to do so is to look for a biology book with clear anatomical diagrams and explain what goes on inside our bodies in those parts that look different. 
 
Depending on your child’s maturity, you also may want to start introducing the word “sex” in your talks since it’s a word that they will probably hear about soon. You can explain that boys produce something called sperm in their bodies and women produce eggs called ova. When these two get together, that’s when there is a chance that a baby can be made! If you have a daughter, this is also a good age to start talking about puberty and periods.   
 
Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. As they grow and regardless of their sex, seize teachable moments to talk to them regularly about body safety and modesty.  
 
In a few short years, your child will be undergoing puberty and may become more self–conscious about their bodies. To prepare them for that teenage introspection, it is vital that we help him or her build a healthy body image. So, let’s celebrate their uniqueness and affirm their natural beauty.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Kids Who Do Good Feel Good: How Volunteering Boosts Kids’ Happiness

Volunteering is often thought of as an adult responsibility, yet involving children in acts of service can bring lasting rewards that go far beyond the moment. For many families, giving back together not only strengthens bonds but also nurtures empathy, character, and a sense of purpose in young hearts.  

Read on to discover how three families—Ee Jay, Clement, and Daryl and Melissa Sung—began their volunteering journey and how the experience has enriched their children’s lives. 

The spark of inspiration 

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Ee Jay’s mother fixing a figuring as gift for donors. Photo courtesy of Ee Jay.


For Ee Jay, a dinner conversation with his familysparked an idea for an intergenerational project that would unite his mother, son, and himself around a common cause. 

“I saw my mum’s passion for making miniature figurines and thought, why not use that for good?” Ee Jay said. What started as a simple family activity led to a crowdfunding project where these figurines were given to donors as appreciation gifts. Soon, Ee Jay’s young son joined in, turning it into a meaningful family activity.  

“Working on this project together allowed me to spend more time with my mum and son, and it taught my son, Daniel, the importance of doing something for others, beyond just focusing on what he wants,” added Ee Jay. 

Similarly, Clement Cheong and his family were inspired by an event hosted by Focus on the Family Singapore, where they saw volunteers giving towards a common cause. This shared sense of purpose resonated deeply with them. “We wanted to give back as a family,” Clement explained.  

The Cheong family’s first major project was a flag day, where the children chipped in to collect donations, even though it was a hot day. It was a lesson in resilience as they persevered despite the weather, experiencing first-hand the hard work that is often involved in serving others. 

For Daryl and Melissa Sung, family service became a priority during the COVID-19 pandemic. “We wanted to make acts of service one of our core family values, and the pandemic gave us an opportunity to do it more intentionally for other families,“ Melissa said.

Their daughters helped in various activities, such as baking cookies for fundraisers and assembling gift items. These experiences laid the foundation for important life lessons in teamwork and responsibility. As Daryl puts it, “What better way for children to learn teamwork than for them to understand that their first team is their family. And for them to learn to serve together with their family.”  

My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less. 

Learning life lessons together 

Volunteering as a family offers a wealth of lessons.  

Clement’s children learned a lot about empathy through their experiences. Meeting people from diverse backgrounds taught them to see life from different perspectives. “My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less,” Clement reflected. This new understanding has given them a more compassionate outlook, especially towards friends who may come from different family situations. 

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The Sung Family. Photo courtesy of Daryl.


For Daryl and Melissa’s daughters, volunteering was an exercise in patience and commitment. While they enjoyed activities like baking, the repetition sometimes led to fatigue. “They learned that volunteering is not a quick task—it requires dedication,” Melissa explained. Through discussions about the purpose of their efforts, the children understood that their work was part of a larger cause, helping them value their contributions more deeply, and to persevere when they were tired, because “the end product [is more than just selling cookies or writing cards], but the funds they raise is to benefit the lives of other families.

Overcoming challenges as a family

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Clement volunteering with his family at a Focus on the Family Singapore event. Photo courtesy of Clement.
 
Volunteering as a family isn’t without its hurdles. Ee Jay’s family had to coordinate schedules across three generations and face the challenge of producing detailed and quality figurines that could be used as a gift for donors.  
 
Similarly, Clement’s family encountered moments of frustration due to clashing personalities. “At times, we focused on what each other couldn’t do instead of what we could bring to the table,” Clement shared. But by learning to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses within the family, they turned these challenges into opportunities for growth. 
Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew. I cherish my family even more now. 

The lasting rewards of serving together

The rewards of family volunteering have left each family richer in experience, closer in connection, and more appreciative of each other. Ee Jay shared that the time spent together allowed him to see new sides of his mother and son. “Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew,” he said. “I cherish my family even more now.” 

For Daryl and Melissa, the unity and teamwork developed through service have deepened their family bond. Their daughters have learned to appreciate their blessings and understand the importance of giving back. “They now feel a strong sense of accomplishment in contributing to others,” Melissa observed. The family has emerged with a stronger sense of connection and purpose, and has learnt to look beyond the needs of their own family to consider others and how they can be a blessing to them. 

It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

A call to action for families 

The stories of Ee Jay, Clement, and the Sungs illustrate how family volunteering can create cherished memories while imparting life-long skills. Volunteering doesn’t just change communities; it changes families. Yes, challenges will arise, but as Ee Jay wisely said, “The rewards outweigh the inconveniences.” 

For families considering this journey, remember that giving back doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be grand. Start small, involve everyone according to their abilities, and be patient with the process. It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

So, to all families reading this: Take the leap. Find a cause, make a plan, and dedicate time to give back together. Let your children see the impact they can have on others, and watch as they learn lessons of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. Volunteer as a family, and give your children the gift of compassion that will serve them—and the world—for a lifetime. 

We hope that the stories of these three ordinary families have inspired you to make a difference. If you and your family wish to embark on a meaningful journey of giving this holiday season, you may do so here, or connect with us at Relations@family.org.sg 

The Preschool Parenting Playbook

Being a father has been one of the most fulfilling roles of my life. I cherish the relationship I have with my two kids, and take pride in seeing them grow and mature. Along this journey, I’ve had to think creatively and develop strategies to navigate challenging moments. Each breakthrough left me wishing, “If only I’d thought of that sooner!” 

In my parenting journey, I’ve learned that more knowledge goes a long way. This article shares tried-and-tested strategies I’ve used to help my family manage the challenges of early childhood development. I hope this list inspires you to design your own parenting playbook—strategies for each tricky situation you may encounter. 

‘Connection before correction’ encourages parents to understand what their child is going through before correcting their behaviour.

Important caveats before we begin 

  1. Be kind to yourself: No parent or child is perfect. The goal is to make gradual improvements over time. There will be days when both parents and children give in to big feelings due to transitions, illness, tiredness, stress, and more. Being kind to ourselves helps us stay refreshed, recover better from rough patches, and maintain a growth mindset needed to refine our parenting strategies continually. 

  2. Check on their H.A.L.T.: In challenging moments, mentally run through whether your child is Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.). Young children often cannot articulate physical or emotional discomfort, resulting in emotional outbursts and challenging behaviours. Meeting your children’s H.A.L.T. needs can often soothe them in the moment. 

  3. Connection before correction, correction after connection: “Connection before correction” encourages parents to understand what their child is going through before correcting their behaviour. Connection is built daily by being present, giving full attention, and ensuring children feel heard. After connecting with your child, remember to correct their behaviour too. While discipline and guidance may feel unpleasant at times, they help children build relational skills and social awareness through developing sound values and consideration for others. 

 

The approaches below provide practical handles and are generally more appropriate for toddlers and preschoolers (18 months to 6 years). 

Calming Techniques 

These techniques help children calm themselves in overwhelming situations, such as intense fears, tantrums, or meltdowns. Note that they are usually more effective after you’ve taken time to hear them out (i.e. connection before correction). 

  1. Blow the birthday candle: This is my go-to method for calming my children after meltdowns or tantrums. Use your finger as a “birthday candle” for your child to “blow out.” If they are ready to engage in play, vary the motions of your finger (e.g. If they blew harder, I would shake my finger harder or make a funny noise, which usually makes them laugh). This technique encourages deep breathing, which helps calm the mind and body.

  2. Inflate the balloon: Place a hand on the child’s tummy and ask them to “inflate the balloon” by pushing out the hand as they breathe in. If they are ready for play, ask them to breathe out as if they were an inflated balloon being released, usually resulting in chuckles and a lighter mood.

  3. A tall tower: This educational activity is best carried out during playtime, rather than in the midst of a meltdown/tantrum. It involves having the child stack a tower of blocks and then taking a deep breath to blow it down. Remind them to take deep breaths and “blow the tower down” when they have big feelings.

  4. Press the button: Have the child use a finger to press something, and you make a funny noise or a random effect (e.g., the hand “flies away” or closes quickly to catch their finger). This fun distraction helps regulate intense emotions. After they calm down, provide comfort, guidance, or correction if needed.

  5. Find some trees and the sky: During difficult moments when no one is in the mood for play, take your child to a window or outdoors and ask them to find some trees or the sky. This approach teaches them to step away from a triggering event and discover the soothing effect of nature.

  6. Giving a hug: Sometimes, all a child needs is a hug or to sit in your lap. Physical affection helps young children feel safe and accepted, building safety and comfort in the parent-child relationship that allows for continued nurturing and guidance.

  7. Where is the pain: For managing physical pain from a fall or accident, validate your child’s experience (i.e., “That must have been very painful.”), and ask them to point out where the pain is. This keeps them from being overwhelmed and shifts their attention to minding their body, while allowing you to assess the injury. They usually calm down significantly, though they may still benefit from a long hug. 

Despite numerous scientific journals and research-backed parenting approaches, you are the expert on your child.

Coaxing Techniques 

These approaches encourage kids to be on task, such as finishing their food or getting into the shower. 

  1. Spaceship landing: Have your child open their mouth as a “space station” for the “spaceship” (a spoonful of food) to land. Variations include changing the scenery to a “train station,” “bus station,” and so on. Imagination is key! 

  2. End the song: Sing a line or two from a nursery rhyme and get your child to take a bite at the end of the song. Variations include making funny sounds or actions as they take a bite. 

  3. Say “ah” when done: Ask your child to say “ah” to show an empty mouth after taking a spoonful of food. This encourages them to eat and swallow their food quickly. 

  4. Volcano: Put a bit of soap into a bottle or bowl and jet it with water to create a foamy “volcano,” keeping your child occupied while bathing. Use this as an opportunity to teach values like recycling (by re-using plastic bottles or containers) or reducing wastage (not using too much soap and water during playtime). 

  5. Drinking animals: When my son was two, he fell and scraped his knee very badly. He was understandably inconsolable for close to an hour and refused to even take one step into the shower! To get him to make the first step, I got him to give his toy animals a drink in the shower. While this did not stop him from crying when the water hit, it at least reduced the tears from washing up! 

You are the Expert 

I’ve heard parents who share many difficult days with their kids. I also often observe the very same parents taking unique and effective approaches to nurture and soothe their children! Despite numerous scientific journals and research-backed parenting approaches, you are the expert on your child.  

This article represents my journey to discover what works best for my children. I hope it inspires you to create your playbook, and I’m sure you have much wisdom to share with fellow parents in your spheres!