13 August 2024 –The significance of paternal involvement in raising children has been increasingly highlighted in the media and research studies.
According to an article in The Straits Times, men possess a fundamental instinct for nurturing, a trait traditionally attributed primarily to mothers. This underscores the evolving understanding of the paternal role in families.
The July 2024 Family Trends Report released by MSF found that more fathers are involved in caring for their children and more employers and co-workers are offering flexibility to help working parents balance their childcare needs with their career aspirations. Take-up rates of Government-Paid Paternity Leave increased from 47% for children born in 2016 to 53% for children born in 2021. The number of employees who have access to flexible work arrangements has also increased from 65.9% in 2014 to 84.1% in 2022.
Fatherhood Involvement and Marriage Aspirations Survey
In support of the government’s stance to enhance work-life and promote the involvement of fathers by doubling government-paid paternity leave in 2024, Focus on the Family Singapore ran the Fatherhood Involvement and Marriage Aspirations Survey (Fatherhood Survey) with the aim of supporting and informing new and soon-to-be fathers in their parenting journey.
This retrospective survey, conducted with 443 participants between November 2023 and February 2024, found:
- Fathers were more involved in providing income (83.8%), discipline (57.3%), and being protective (48.6%)
- Fathers were least involved in spiritual development (52.6%), school/homework (52.5%), and career development (47.7%)
Additionally, people desired for their father to be more involved in emotional development (73.6%), sharing activities/interests (66.7%), and intellectual development (65.5%). (Read the report here.)
To delve deeper beneath the findings of the Fatherhood Survey, and to discover what a modern-day involved father looks like, Focus Singapore conducted qualitative interviews with nine fathers over the period of May to August 2024. These fathers are aged from 37 to 61 and have between one to three children of varying ages.
Here are the key themes that emerged.
1. The need for time, both quantity and quality
When asked to reflect on their own parenting styles and practices, a few fathers voluntarily brought up their own fathers, and what they felt they did well or not so well. They also emphasised the importance of time with the family, both the qualitative and quantitative aspects. One interviewee said:
“I think a lot of [my parenting] is influenced by my dad…who was a present father. My father was one of those classic teachers back in the time when teaching was viewed as a noble profession. All through his life, he was a teacher, and turned down promotions to ensure that he could have time with the family. That had a tremendous impact on me.”
Another shared that he was intentional in giving his children what he himself did not receive:
“When I was growing up, I felt like I didn’t have that much time with my father. So, I try to spend as much quality time with the kids.”
There is also the added dimension of intentionality, even to the point of carving a dedicated physical space in the home, putting away devices, and having a good conversation.
“We intentionally made a cosy corner in our home, where we gather most of the time to chitchat. When we are there, we will stay away from our mobile devices. This is how we practice open communication. I believe it’s a two-way process…where if there’s anything [the children] want to find out, they will feel at ease and know that I’m there for them any time of the day.”
“To be emotionally present as a father, I must be emotionally present rather than be an absent father…It’s not about the quantity, like how many days I stay at home and look after them. But I believe in quality time where I can chat and joke with them. Sometimes my children will call me, ‘Hey bro.’”
Finally, there is a focus on doing simple everyday activities together:
“I’m also limited by my time at work. So, whenever there’s opportunity in the evenings or over weekends, I will check in with them as much as I can. It can be doing a puzzle together or going downstairs to play badminton or basketball together, so it’s just spending that time together with them now.”
2. The importance of caring for our own and our children’s emotions
The interviewees shared about their struggles in managing their own emotions as well as their children’s emotions. One shared vulnerably about the difficult job of managing their emotions when it comes to the children crying:
“But it’s the amount of mental, physical and emotional struggle…especially when kids are crying. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I really want the crying to stop…we do whatever it takes to comfort them because we want the crying to stop. But we never help them to develop.
Many times, to help them develop emotionally, we must bear it with them. We must bear with them crying. It’s tough but it’s the only thing we can do as parents. Your emotions are yours, and I cannot control them. Many times, when my son is crying, I tell him that I’m here for him and I’m here to bear the pain with him. And he will still cry. So I tell myself to just bear with the crying. And I think all of the time, he comes out okay because someone was there with him when he was crying.”
Another added that knowing when to seek help, which in this case, was allowing his wife to step in to ease their daughters’ emotions:
“There are a lot of emotional things happening around the girls, right? When I explain my point of view and it doesn’t work (because we’re wired differently), after one or two attempts I will say, ‘Okay, never mind. You go to Mummy, and you talk to her’ Because I have tried it before, and things went very badly.”
The point about caring for their own emotions as fathers so that they do not cause hurt to their children in the heat of the moment appears to be related to emotional connectedness between father and child:
“During the times when I got disciplined, I didn’t like it. But as I reflected, I realised how central it is as an expression of a parent’s love to the child. With that in mind, I do discipline the kids. I want to ensure that they don’t just do as they please. But I also have to constantly check myself to ensure that as I discipline them, it’s not out of anger. I think it’s a struggle because it is often intertwined with emotion. So, I try to separate as much as possible and not lash out at the kids when I want to discipline them.”
For this father, emotional development involves also developing an awareness of other people’s needs, or building empathy:
“To me, I see emotional development and shared activities and intellectual development as related. It’s about doing things together – Some more for my interests, and some for theirs…But I think there’s another category which is just doing life together, right? Like we go supermarket together and we wash the car together. [When] you’re able to have time to do both of those, that’s where the emotional development happens; that’s where you can talk to them about the needy people that you walk past or seeing the needs of others.”
3. The role of a father
While there seems to be an increased awareness of the emotional aspects of fathering, there is also an emphasis on maintaining authority as a father. As this participant said:
“Even though I’m scared that my kids ask me those tough questions about sex and other stuff, I have to answer right? If you give someone else the authority, then you give the world the authority. No, no, no, I’m the father. I take the authority.”
One father hinted at the role of fathers as providers of meaning, not just the traditional bread-and-butter issues:
“There is a sense of responsibility beyond just providing income, being protective, and disciplining. There is a deeper sense of providing meaning for [my] children.”
Another shed light on the spiritual development aspect of fatherhood:
“I feel strongly about spiritual development…even for myself, how can I do better? Spiritual development has many angles, right? It’s the teaching, the reading of scripture together…But the best spiritual development, as they say is caught, not taught. When they make a mistake, do I have the time to slow down and put aside the agenda? But to pause and seize a teaching moment.”
This teaching and guiding role is also emphasised in this father’s response. However, it comes with a sense of limits and gives the child some room to explore her own boundaries:
“I think advising our kids is something we know we should do. I always tell my girls that I might be wrong, so there is no one definite answer. For example, doing this thing will cause you this kind of consequences…But maybe in her time the consequence can be different, so she’ll need to go and explore certain things. But I think we should not overdo it, because if you overdo it, it will be like I enforced this based on what I think is right for her.”
4. The importance of unity with one’s spouse
The interviewees were candid in expressing their appreciation of their spouse, and emphasised the sharing of parenting duties at home:
“I believe in co-parenting together with my wife. I don’t believe that one parent should be the disciplinary one and the other parent should be the nicer one. I think both partners need to nurture their kids in their own ways, probably in different forms but play that role of a nurturer and a disciplinarian.”
Another voiced gratitude for the inputs on each child provided by his wife during her stay-home years:
“When [my wife] was a stay-home mom, every evening she would give me a rundown of all the things that kids said and did. I really thank her for that as it has given me the necessary information to learn how to relate to each child better because as they get older, I get to talk to them more and they actually tell me what they want.”
Two fathers also pointed to the centrality of the marital relationship as the foundation of the home:
“I realise it’s not about the actions that I can do for my children, but it has to do with the relationship with your spouse. Because that sets the foundation for everything. If you don’t have a good relationship with the spouse, the house will be in turmoil, filled with arguments all the time. You can forget about whatever intentional thing you’re trying to do with the kids.”
“And the way that I relate to my wife is also key. The father is not just a father to the children, but the father is also a husband to the wife. And the father is a part of the family unit that the children will model after. So, if I mess it up, then I set them at a disadvantage because their chances of succeeding will be impaired by my mistakes.”
5. The importance of work-life harmony and workplace support
Since time is critical when it comes to allowing fathers to play an active role in their children’s lives, it follows that work-life balance and harmony would be a key enabler for their success at home.
These two responses shed light on both the individual’s choice of how much work to take on, and the workplace support system:
“This is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard so far: Work will always take from you as much as you’re willing to give. But the one thing that you can control is the time that you give to your family.”
“Many fathers will have the idea of being there to take care of their family and even their children. But I believe that workplace support is very important. Our government may have extended paternity leave, but it solely depends on workplace support.”
6. The importance of community
When asked about what was most helpful in their fatherhood journey, several of the participants pointed to the presence of a community and mentors.
“In terms of work, when people are in their 30s, it’s the time where they’re expected to progress towards middle management. Then there’s also pressures at home with aging parents and young children. So, amidst all these pressures, it is important to find time to take a step back and find friends to support you and be a sounding board too. It helps to relieve that loneliness and knowing that you are not alone in this journey.”
“I think what can help is a community of like-minded fathers who are also grounded in similar principles. Because as you start to share in a safe environment, one of the biggest things that goes out the window is you know you’re not alone. And when that happens, you no longer fight with any visible enemy of loneliness.”
One participant shared about the helpfulness of mentoring:
“Actively look for mentors…I am fortunate enough now to be in ongoing mentoring relationships with fathers who have done a tremendous job in raising their daughters and sons, to [become] people who are leaders in their stage of life.”
Conclusion
In trying to answer the questions, “How has fathering evolved through the years?” and “What does the picture of a modern-day involved father look like,” it seems that fathers today are more aware of the need to be involved and are ready to be hands-on in a multi-dimensional way, from engaging in daily conversations and check-ins, to learning how to deal with emotional outbursts and manage their own emotions.
Delia Ng, CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore, said, “Modern-day fathering has gone beyond the traditional bread-and-butter focus of fathers in the past. However, the challenges of time constraints, and ability to connect with their children amidst the pressures of life remain. As Prime Minister Lawrence Wong encourages Singapore to broaden our definition of success, our society can better support working fathers as they discover their unique expression of being a modern-day father. This includes prioritising the health of their marriage so that they can play a more active and sustainable role at home.”
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About Focus on the Family Singapore
Focus on the Family Singapore Limited is a local Christian charity with Institution of a Public Character (IPC) status. Recognising the challenges and disruptions in our increasingly digitised world, we seek to bring families closer by encouraging and equipping youth and individuals from all backgrounds towards strong and resilient relationships, starting at home. Learn more at www.family.org.sg.
Contact
Natalie Yeo, Communications and Public Relations
Natalie.Yeo@family.org.sg | 9747 8537
