Child’s Life Stage: Tween

3 Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Peer Pressure

Secondary school was the first place where I learnt about peer pressure, both from firsthand experiences and watching others go through it. One valuable lesson not only taught me about dealing with peer pressure but showed me that it was possible to say no and to be a champion and stand up to it. 

We had one phone line in our house in those days — a very different experience than everyone having a mobile phone. We had several phones at home that tied into that single phone line. One afternoon, the phone rang. I was in the back of the house near one phone, while my twin brother Jeff was in the kitchen near the other one. We both picked up the phone at the same moment. 

“Hello?” Jeff said before I could speak, not knowing I was listening on the other line. 

“Hey, Jeff, this is Willie.” 

“What’s up?” Jeff asked. 

“We’re having a sleepover tomorrow night, and we want you to come.” 

“Sounds good.” 

“One more thing,” Willie continued. “The guys and I were talking, and we only want you to come. Don’t bring your brother, John.” 

There was a long pause. 

That’s a lot of pressure for a secondary school student. These weren’t just any guys inviting Jeff over for a sleepover; they were the cool guys. But he was also being pressured to do something that would hurt another person — in this case, his brother. There are many people, siblings or not, who would have given in to the crowd and who would have put their need for acceptance over doing what’s right for someone else. Not everyone would risk being shamed or cut off. 

My heart raced as I listened. Jeff finally spoke. “No way, Willie. If you want me to come, then John is coming too. You get both of us or neither of us.” 

“Uh… Well, okay.” Willie started backtracking like crazy. “It was just going to be kind of crowded. But no problem. He can come too.” 

Years later, I told Jeff that I had been on the other line during that conversation and how much his saying no had meant to me. His decision to stand up to peer pressure was something I’ve never forgotten. 

Kids and peer pressure 

You may have a child who, like Jeff, seems to have been born resistant to peer pressure. Your child is someone who the crowd can try to push all day, but they don’t budge. They have a firm sense of right and wrong, plus a sense of independence that doesn’t seem to care about what the crowd wants. 

However, it’s just as likely that you have the opposite type of child — one more like me. 

Because of their personality, desire to be popular, or a long list of other reasons, these kids can struggle with peer pressure. These kids need to know and learn that they can become peer pressure champions. It just takes a little bit of help and a parent who is willing to work with them. 

Here are three things that can help them deal with peer pressure. 

1. Help your kids learn how to spot peer pressure  

As your child moves into adolescence, they need to see what peer pressure is in real-life situations. You can use a definition of peer pressure that helps kids to understand the reality behind the term, for example: 

“Peer pressure is when someone wants you to move a boundary and cross a line you know you shouldn’t cross. These people do that by pushing you with their words: pressuring you with threats of cutting ties or wearing you down by continually nudging you to do something.”  

The two sides of peer pressure 
Once you’ve shared this definition with your kids, it’s time to narrow it down. Help your child to realise that the time is coming when they will face the two sides of peer pressure: 

        1) “I can’t miss it”, and 

        2) “It’s not going to hurt anyone”. 

The “I can’t miss it” side of peer pressure comes when someone flat out asks your child to erase or ignore a boundary. For instance, they may ask them to take drugs or do something illegal or harmful. Often, when a child says no to this thing they can’t miss, the person pressuring them may move to a sneakier tactic. 

Here is where someone tries to water down the consequences and make it look more attractive. They may say, “Come on. It’s not going to hurt anyone.” Perhaps they’ll use the phrase, “Everyone is doing it.” 

2. Teach your kids how to deal with peer pressure 

Once you’ve shared what peer pressure is, give your kids some tools to use when the challenge is real. Here are four tools that we gave to our kids. We encourage you to sit down with some older parents and determine which things helped their children. Come up with a list of tools for your kids as well. Chances are, you’ll create your own list of tools for your kids to choose from when they need them most.

A. Give your kids permission to make you the bad guy
We permitted our daughters to make us the bad guys anytime they needed to get out of doing something wrong. For example, a friend at school once asked them to go to a party they knew they shouldn’t attend. We always had things on the list for the girls to do, whether it be chores or a family movie night so that they could say in all honesty, “That sounds like you’re going to have a great time. But my parents have something going on that I need to help them with.” It was one option they could use when they needed to say no to peer pressure. 

Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances. 


B. Be their driver 24/7/365. All they have to do is call. 
We told both of our girls that if they ever got into a situation where someone was pushing them to cross a boundary or had made a wrong choice for themselves, that they could call us anytime. 24/7. No questions asked. They knew they had an escape clause from challenging situations, and each of them used it several times. 

We did talk about the circumstances later. But at that moment when the phone rang, and we knew it was a call for help, our daughters knew they wouldn’t hear a lecture right then. We never demanded an explanation or poured shame on them during the car ride home. For example, one instance was the night the girls left a movie and ended up at a party. They knew they needed to leave. They knew we were a phone call — not an angry lecture — away. Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances.

C. Give them a code word if they need help
In addition to knowing that we would come to pick them up anytime, we gave our daughters a code word to use as well. For example, there were days that the phone would ring, and I’d hear, “Hey, Dad.” The tone in their voice made it clear that something was wrong. 

So we’d say to our daughter, “Say blue if you’re having fun or green if you want us to come and get you.” The code word gave them a way of calling for help if they were in a situation where they couldn’t talk openly. 

Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

D. Role play saying “No”
Helping your kids be comfortable with the word “no” before they get into a challenging situation is critical. For some kids, role-playing the three previous steps can help make them more comfortable standing up to peer pressure. Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

3. Coach them on how to live through the response  

You’ve defined peer pressure for your kids and have given them some tools to use when facing that pressure. But it’s also essential that you coach them on how to be ready for the other person’s reaction. 

If someone asks or pushes you to do something you don’t feel is right, if they are a real friend and are wise, they will back off when you’re saying no. Real friends won’t try another track to try and get you to cave in. Instead, they will respect your boundaries and will love and respect you more for calling them out. 

However, if you try and correct someone who refuses to listen, they will often get angry with you. 

Talk with your kids now about how, even if someone gets upset that you won’t go along with their demands, you don’t have to give in to their anger. They can call you as a parent, move away from that person, or get help from another friend or adult. 

If someone keeps pushing your child to do the wrong thing, tell them it’s okay to redefine the relationship. Let them know that it’s okay to still care for that person, but perhaps it’s time to move from being best friends to someone you say hello to at school. Coach your kids that they have a choice not to allow anyone to push them into doing wrong. They always have the option of saying no. 

Becoming a peer pressure champion 

Peer pressure is real. Be sure to talk about dealing with peer pressure early and often, as it will become a reality the older they get. Help your kids spot peer pressure, gain tools to deal with it, and be strong enough to deal with someone’s reaction to their saying no. Mastering these three tips will help your kid become a peer pressure champion. 

© 2020 Focus on the Family and Dr. John Trent. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Published at focusonthefamily.com. 

Identity in an AI-Driven World

Technology profoundly affects how we think about the world and imagine our role in it, both of which shape our sense of self. In an AI-driven world, we wonder if the question of human identity can finally be answered, or if it leaves us more lost than ever.  

What is AI? 

AI is a broad spectrum of technological capabilities that mimics human intelligence in areas such as decision-making and pattern recognition. In this sense, AI isn’t entirely new, and has brought about significant improvements to our way of life. 

However, AI is rapidly gaining dominance in our everyday lives, as its capabilities continue to develop powerfully at a pace ahead of legal and ethical frameworks needed to preserve and protect public good.  

Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

 How is AI shaping human identity?  

Traditionally, a person’s identity is shaped by external structures such as family, religious institutions and social communities. In other words, the human identity is given and learnt by subscribing to a higher authority, and an understanding of the self can only be found in relation to outward-directed activities with others.  

Shifts in worldview have challenged this traditional approach to understanding human identity and the self. In today’s AI-driven, postmodern culture, identity is increasingly seen as something constructed inwardly, based on one’s subjective feelings and desires. Uninhibited self-expression becomes one’s highest goal, with the highest authority being the individual. This is the worldview behind language such as “you do you”, “live your truth”, and “follow your heart”. 

All of us hold multiple identities depending on our culture, community, work, and family; however, our core human identity remains universal. Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

While AI didn’t directly cause this major shift in worldview on identity, its (growing) powerful capabilities has supercharged this trajectory in some areas. 

Confusion 

When we equate our feelings to our identity, we confuse how we are for who we are. With AI’s text-to-image and photo-editing capabilities becoming more realistic, and as its algorithms learn and predict how we use technology, the line between real and virtual is slowly disappearing. As a result, youths today are more vulnerable to embracing alternative identities that are detached from objective reality, with real-world consequences.  

In the last decade, there has been a sudden, unprecedented spike in transgender identification among teenage girls, commonly referred to as “rapid onset gender dysphoria”. Social media platforms, especially those driven by AI recommendations, may have contributed to this rise. Some young people have made life‑changing decisions based on ideas they encountered online, sometimes with lasting consequences.   

In 2024, an independent report from England known as the Cass Review found that the evidence for using puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones in children under 18 was weak, with many unknown long-term effects.  

As more children turn to and depend on under-regulated AI chatbots (such as character.ai) for questions on their identity, there is cause for concern. These chatbots are persuasive and engaging, but they’re also shaped by data and perspectives they were trained on. Like any technology, they can carry biases and blind spots. Without proper safeguards, they may influence vulnerable young people in ways beyond their ability to fully understand.  

AI models are designed and trained to pander to our sexual orientation, inner desires, or subjective feelings as our identity, because their aim is to optimise user interaction rather than give us the truth about who we are. 

Objectification  

Deepfakes are AI-generated media such as images, sounds or videos that are convincingly real – except, they aren’t. At least not entirely. The same accessible tool that has been invaluable in helping restore old photographs and memories, has also been used for malicious ends such as generating deepfake porn.  

There is a troubling global rise in the misuse of children’s images to create deepfake sexual content. Similarly in Singapore, deepfake porn is a growing menace, even in schools. A recent example is the discovery that Grok, the AI bot on social media platform X, had been generating non‑consensual sexually explicit deepfakes involving women and children. 

These apps require no training or specialised skills to utilise, yet provide professional results with just a few clicks and simple prompts. In other words, objectifying another human person for one’s own sexual gratification is now simpler than ever, with AI capabilities.  

History has no lack of examples for the devastating consequences of objectifying fellow humans. Whenever we objectify others, we not only deny them their dignity, we are also rejecting the true worth of our identity. To be fair, this issue of objectification with porn has long existed before AI, but AI has significantly compounded this issue, with women and children suffering the most. 

Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 

What can we do about it?  

With AI, it is tempting to believe that our identity is malleable according to our preferences and desires, and the world is our raw resource for constructing our identity, our way. However, our true identity and worth as humans cannot be found in a particular feeling, sexual orientation, or physical appearance. To hold on to this truth, we must become even more human in an AI world. 

For parents, educators, or adults who care about the identity confusion among our children and want to provide the clarity they deserve, here are a few suggestions: 

  • Use our words thoughtfully and accurately to help them discern what’s real versus what’s not. When we say something is ‘real,’ we mean it is supported by truth e.g. “sex is determined at conception” is scientific truth, not “assigned at birth”. 
  • Invest time to read, learn, and be equipped to lead and influence our children with truth, clarity, and kindness. Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 
  • Model and advocate the right way to use AI – learning to master it instead of being mastered.  
  • Affirm their inherent worth by the way we treat them – choosing to always speak and act with respect. 

Recognising PTSD: How Counselling Can Help You Heal

When Sarah returned home after a traumatic car accident while she was travelling with her family in Japan, she thought she could simply “move on.” But weeks later, she found herself startled by loud noises, avoiding driving altogether, and waking up drenched in sweat from recurring nightmares about the incident. It wasn’t until she spoke to a counsellor that she realised these were signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and that help was available. 

Sarah’s story is not uncommon. Trauma can leave invisible wounds that affect how we think, feel, and live. But here is the good news: Healing is possible, and counselling can be a powerful first step. 

What is PTSD? 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event, such as an accident, abuse, sexual violence, or actual or threatened sudden loss of life. While it’s normal to feel shaken after trauma, PTSD symptoms persist and interfere with daily life. 

Signs You Might Be Experiencing PTSD 

PTSD looks different for everyone, but common signs include: 

    • Intrusive memories: Flashbacks or nightmares about the event 
    • Avoidance: Steering clear of places, people, activities or thoughts that remind you of the trauma 
    • Heightened reactivity: Irritable behavior and angry outbursts, easily startled, unable to concentrate
    • Negative mood changes: Persistent negative thoughts and feelings, feeling detached or estranged from others
    • Physical symptoms: Trouble sleeping, feeling tense, unable to relax or fatigue 

If these symptoms develop and disrupt your daily functioning after experiencing something traumatic, it may be time to seek help.   

How Counselling Can Help

Counselling offers a safe, confidential space to process trauma and regain control.

Professional support can help you: 

    • Understand and manage the impact of the trauma: Learn to accept what happened, and how that changed you 
    • Reprocess the thoughts developed that keep you stuck: Embrace alternative perspectives rooted in reality for more holistic and balanced thinking that would serve you well
    • Develop coping resources: Learn grounding and mindfulness techniques to manage stress and emotionally regulate, and address sleep through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), and meet emotional and relational needs adaptively

Evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and that is trauma-informed have helped countless individuals recover from what happened and live adaptively.

“PTSD can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to know that recovery is possible, and it’s not about re-experiencing the traumatic event” says Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore. “Counselling provides a safe space to re-process what happened, it’s impact, and learn skills to manage one’s emotions, and eventually meet one’s emotional and relational needs adaptively.” 

Practical steps toward healing  

If you suspect PTSD symptoms might be developing, here are some steps you can take: 

1. Reach out for help   

The first step is often the hardest, but also the most important. Speaking to a counsellor or mental health professional can help you make sense of what you’re experiencing and guide you toward recovery. You don’t have to face this alone. 

2. Talk to someone you trust

Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can ease the sense of isolation that often comes with PTSD. You don’t need to share every vivid detail, but just letting someone know you’re struggling can be a relief and a source of support.

3. Practice grounding techniques

When anxiety or flashbacks hit, grounding techniques can help you stay present. Simple practices like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or repeating calming phrases can reduce distress and remind you that you are safe now. 

4. Maintain routines

Trauma can make life feel unpredictable. Keeping a regular routine—whether it’s meals, exercise, or bedtime—can provide a sense of stability and control. Small, consistent habits can make a big difference in your emotional well-being.

5. Avoid self-blame

PTSD is what happened to you, not a sign of weakness or failure. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is valid and that healing takes time. Self-compassion is an essential and important part of recovery.

When Sarah finally reached out for help, her counsellor guided her through trauma-informed therapy, helping her understand her triggers and develop coping strategies. At first, progress felt slow, but she concentrated on celebrating her small victories, like beginning to drive short distances with her husband beside her in the passenger seat, or sleeping through the night without the disruption of nightmares. Each small step she took built her confidence. Over time, the nightmares faded, and the constant tension eased. 

Today, Sarah describes herself as “stronger than before.” She still has moments of anxiety when she is behind the wheel, but her counsellor taught her that healing is not about forgetting the past—it’s about reclaiming life in the present and finding courage and hope again. Her story reminds us that recovery is possible, and no one has to walk this road alone.  

Our counselling services provide compassionate, professional support tailored to your needs. Make an enquiry today. 

Healthy Sexuality Equipping

In a rapidly changing world, our youth are facing unprecedented challenges—gender identity confusion, AI companions, and the pervasive influence of pornography. Many in the Church feel ill-equipped to respond.  

This equipping session is designed to help parents of teens and youth leaders move from confusion to confidence and clarity, grounded in biblical truth and practical wisdom. 

Two Concurrent Tracks: 

Track 1: The Formative Years

  • For children’s ministry leaders and parents of children aged 7–12.
  • This workshop helps parents lay a strong, biblical foundation for identity, sexuality, and digital habits during their child’s most formative years.

Track 2: Discipling our Youth in the Digital Age

  • For youth ministry leaders & parents of teens.
  • Addressing real challenges facing youth today, including gender dysphoria, AI companions, and pornography, with clarity, empathy, and biblical conviction. 
  •  
What to Expect: 
  • Webinar (2.5 hours): 
    • Understand the biblical philosophy of gender and sexuality
    • Learn how to frame conversations around identity, sexuality, and relationships 
  • On-Site Training (4 hours): 
    • Develop engagement and listening skills 
    • Work through real-life scenarios in group settings 
    • Learn how to respond to emerging issues like gender dysphoria, AI companions, and pornography with both truth and empathy
 
Join us as we facilitate these critical conversations and co-create solutions to get ahead of the challenges.
 
Who should attend?
  • Children’s ministry leaders
  • Youth ministry leaders 
  • Parents

 For more details and registration, visit www.family.org.sg/sotf

Details

Webinar: Tue, 3 Mar 2026 | 7.00pm - 9.30pm  

On-Site Training: Thu, 5 Mar 2026 | 9.00am - 1.00pm
Location: St Andrew's Cathedral

PLENARY 1: UNCOVERING THE UNSPOKEN: SEXUALITY'S IMPACT ON THE FAMILY

    • Understand how sexual issues and challenges impact the marriage and spousal dynamics 
    • Learn about the impact of sexual addiction and/or sexual dysfunction on marriages, as well as possible influences on children.  

MODERATOR


Alicia Boo
Chief, Impact and Principal Counsellor
Focus on the Family Singapore

SPEAKERS


Benny Bong  
Family and Marital Therapist with over forty years of experience. Author of Couples in Crisis (2008) and Restoration: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life (2025). 


 Jason and Shelen Ang
have a passion for strengthening marriages and families. They have been training in the areas of dating, marriage, and parenting, and are equipped to do marital profiling and couple assessments. They are married for over 20 years and are parents to two boys.

Morning Breakout Session

Choose the discussion that best aligns with your interest or professional focus.

Discover ways to empower families to
nurture healthy sexuality through open,
values-based conversations at home.

SPEAKER

Gary Koh & Joanna Koh-Hoe
Gary is a family counsellor and Joanna served as CEO of local charity Focus on the Family Singapore for 21 years.

Explore the roots of sexual dysfunction and its impact on marital health and intimacy and family well-being. How might we work towards mindset and behavioural change in the therapeutic journey?


SPEAKER

Benny Bong
Family and Marital Therapist with over forty years of experience. Author of Couples in Crisis (2008) and Restorations: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life (2025). 

PLENARY 2: NEXT-GEN SEXUAL ISSUES

  • Insights on key trends, issues and challenges occurring at the intersection of youth and sexuality 
  • Uncover risk factors and protective factors 
  • Discover practical tips and solutions, beginning with strengthening family relationships 

MODERATOR


Joshua Liong
Principal Trainer
Focus on the Family Singapore

SPEAKERS


Dr. Tsao I Ting
 Clinical Psychologist with more than 15 years of experience across public and private settings, specialising in working through complex relational dynamics, be it between couples or parent-child relationships.


Dr. Ng Liang Wei
Director of Sexual Wholeness Services at Lakeside Family Services and Executive Director of Indigo & Co – a charity that focuses on sexuality and gender identity. 


Michelle Soon 
An educator and commissioned Colson Fellow, trained to engage culture today with the Christian worldview. She’s passionate about fostering strong family relationships and encouraging a healthy view of sex and sexuality.

Afternoon Breakout Session

Choose the discussion that best aligns with your interest or professional focus.

Get practical insights to guide youths in finding clarity and confidence in their sexual identity and sexual values amidst the clutter and confusion of the digital age.


SPEAKER

 

Dr. Tsao I Ting
Clinical Psychologist with more than 15 years of experience across public and private settings, specialising in working through complex relational dynamics, be it between couples or parent-child relationships.

Equip young people with tools to recognise and address common sexual struggles in a hypersexualised age. Discover the keys to building rapport and achieving therapeutic goals.

SPEAKER

 

Dr. Ng Liang Wei
Director of Sexual Wholeness Services at Lakeside Family Services and Executive Director of Indigo & Co – a charity that focuses on sexuality and gender identity. 

Interest List

Frequently Asked Questions

The Group Rate applies to groups of 4 people. If your group has a 5th person, they can register separately before 7 Jul to enjoy the Early Bird rate. Or, you can gather more people and register as another group of 4!  

Tickets are non-refundable. We encourage you to find a replacement should you not be able to make it after purchasing your ticket. Requests for transfer of registration will be accepted until 16 Feb 2026. Please email us at Corpcomms@family.org.sg.

Recordings of the session will not be made available post-event. Please mark the date in your calendar so you do not miss this event. 

For any event enquiries, please contact us at Corpcomms@family.org.sg

The Organiser reserves the rights to cancel or reschedule the event due to unforeseen circumstances. Every effort, however, will be made to inform participants as soon as possible of the change. For cancellation of event by the Organiser, fees will be refunded in full. 

From Working Professional to Stay-at-Home Mum

Have you ever thought about switching from a dual-income household to a single-income one, and wondered if that is even feasible in Singapore? I’ve been at that crossroads before. Now, after seven years of marriage and two kids, we’ve decided to take the plunge. Here are some tips to consider should you wish to make such a major change.  

Calculate household expenses 

First and foremost, you must ensure that your household expenses are less than your take-home income after Central Provident Fund (CPF) deductions. While this sounds blatantly obvious, we must accept that some jobs simply do not pay high enough to fully cover a household’s daily expenses.  

Different families have different spending habits, but the average household expenditure is around $5,931, according to the latest data by the Singapore Department of Statistics.1 Calculate your household expenses as a family and ensure that, if there is only one income, the take-home salary is sufficient to cover those costs.   

Get appropriate insurance plans 

As the adage goes, “fail to plan, plan to fail”. One of the first things we did before our kids become toddlers was to get appropriate hospitalisation plans for them, as we recognised the need to meet their healthcare needs. If you delay getting your children’s insurance hospitalisation plans, you might end up getting more exclusions as they age which would be disadvantageous for them.  

Additionally, before we transitioned to becoming a single income household, we decided to increase my husband’s insurance plans. On top of my husband’s health insurance, we decided to make sure he has a (1) disability income insurance, (2) critical illness insurance and (3) life insurance, with a guaranteed amount that would keep us afloat for several months should he suddenly be unable to work.  

Ensure sufficient savings for a rainy day 

According to the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS), the general rule of thumb is to have at least three to six months’ worth of household expenses as savings.2 I personally agree with this because we will need that buffer for sudden emergencies such as medical issues, accidents or a loss of job. If possible, it is best to have six to nine months’ worth of savings to reduce the stress and pressure of finding another job immediately.  

Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change. 

Aligning goals, values and priorities 

My husband and I decided to become a single-income household because our kids were very young. After our first child was born, I was a stay-home mum for two years. When our second child arrived, I could return to work remotely due to the changes brought about by COVID-19, and I worked full-time only because the role allowed me to work from home.  

The bottom line was that I simply wanted to spend more time with my children during their formative years. I believe it is ideal if one parent can stay home to monitor, supervise and inculcate the right values in our children. Although my husband is at the office working, we share common goals and values. Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change.  

There is a time for everything 

I decided to stay home because my kids were still little, and juggling work with pumping milk every three hours, sleep deprivation, and caring for two children was too exhausting. Furthermore, I wanted to foster a strong bond with them and make daily conversations a habit, so that we will continue to have a close relationship as they grow up.  

No employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. 

While I had to accept that my career would take a pause, the time I got to spend with my kids during their early developmental years was priceless. I could take on freelance or part-time jobs in the future when they are older, but for now, I would like to be my kids’ main caretaker.  

The ultimatum came one day when I realised that no employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. While my parents, in-laws or helper can help with parenting, I have a unique role in their lives and I wanted to maximise it by spending both qualitative and quantitative time with them, even if it means sacrificing financial comfort for several years.  

Gratitude, contentment and wisdom 

What keeps me going is gratitude for simple things, like enjoying a weekly cup of hawker kopi instead of Starbucks, saving money from 11/11 or Black Friday sales, and planning nutritious meals based on what’s on sale. A person may have great wealth yet still feel it’s never enough. The key to enjoying life is not about how much you earn, but being content with what you have.  

Choosing the right job, managing daily commitments while monitoring household income and expenses all require wisdom. Which enrichment classes should my kids take? How much can we afford for our family holiday? We are thankful that God has given us wisdom to make good choices and provided for our daily needs as we transited to becoming a single-income household.  

Re-writing the Parenting Script

At a Glance:

The way parents speak to their children is often shaped by how they were parented. This article explores how inherited communication patterns can harm or heal, and offers practical ways to rewrite our parenting scripts to nurture emotionally secure children.”

Before we dive into a discussion on how to rewrite the parenting script, there’s something we need to think through. As with any script, we need to first understand what the original version was and how it came about.  

In the case of parenting scripts, we first need to know how it was like for our parents when they were kids being raised by their parents. Because, as it’s often said and experienced, many of us parent the way we ourselves were parented! 

Parenting in the past 

In modern times, parenting tips are bandied around a lot. In fact, every parent today can get spot-on help in real time with a simple click of a computer mouse, a flick of their finger as they scroll through their social media feeds, or by calling upon Gemini, Siri, ChatGPT or any number of AI-enabled software. Not forgetting of course consulting other humans – friends, colleagues and so on. 

But in the old days, parenting wasn’t seen as a skill to be honed or tips to be learned. Nor were parenting articles and books relentlessly occupying newspaper and magazine columns, or lining shelf after shelf in bookstores and libraries like they are now. (Don’t even get me started on today’s digital spaces, where mummy blogs and daddy podcasts are all the rage!) 

Parenting in the old days was just something that was done. Period. No pregnant (pun fully intended) pauses. Or moments for contemplation. Or workshops to attend on how to raise great kids. People simply went about their daily lives looking after the little ones the way they saw fit, or how they saw their neighbours do it.  

Not only that, but parenting was something done not just by a father and a mother. It often involved a community – extended family, distant relatives, neighbours and even fellow villagers or town folks within a radius of 500 metres regularly chipped in to look after and watch over one another’s kids. 

That often means the oldest person in any given space is typically the one seen as the sage on the stage. The one that calls the shots, so to speak, as to how to raise kids. Which unfortunately, can be a double-edged sword, if you acknowledge the existence of what psychologists term adverse childhood experiences (ACE).  

Adverse childhood experiences 

These refer to traumatic events people undergo in their childhood, such as emotional neglect, abuse, parental death or separation, just to name a few. 

The impact of such events, which usually happen in the first 18 years of life, continues in direct and indirect ways across a person’s lifespan, and leads to higher costs of healthcare and productivity losses at work. 

According to the Singapore Mental Health Study by the Institute of Mental Health and KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital that was released in June 2024, the economic and social costs of ACE can amount to some $1.18 billion a year in absenteeism, reduced productivity and use of healthcare resources in our country. 

In an earlier part of the study that began in 2016, it was found that two out of three grown-ups here have ACE. It would be no surprise if some of these ACE were “bestowed” upon them by the elders and adults in their lives while growing up, beginning with spoken words that wound. 

Being “dis-ed” from young 

The unavoidable truth of life is that elders often hold sway and authority in every culture. What they say often gets transmitted (or worse, committed) to their children’s and grandchildren’s (listening) muscle memory.  

Especially stuff that sounds “dis”, or dismissive and disrespectful. 

Stuff like, “Shhh…kids should be seen, not heard”.
“Do as you’re told!”
“Stop being a cry-baby.” “You’re a good-for-nothing!”  

Growing up, our ancestors, parents and ourselves have all heard versions of these before, and many more such curt one-liners. Even now, we still hear them. And if we’re being honest, we’re also the ones who often say them!  

These hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

The reason is simple: Muscle memory kicks in, especially when time is tight and tempers are taut. So when we adults want a quick fix, these one-liners often do the trick of helping us parents and grandparents grab attention, maintain order and wrangle obeisance from our kids.  

Even if for a few minutes.  

However, these hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

Far worse is the very real possibility that kids grow up not loving and believing in themselves, but needing constant reassurance that they have intrinsic worth and are more than enough. 

Let’s rewrite the parenting script! 

While it might be too late for the sage elderlies in our midst to change their set ways, there is still plenty of opportunity for the current generation of parents to rewrite the script.  

For instance, instead of shushing a child who wants to be heard, gently guide the child on when is an appropriate moment to speak, especially if, say, you’re hosting many guests but your child needs your attention.  

Take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset. 

Instead of saying “Do as you’re told”, why not ask the child how he or she would like to do whatever is the pressing task at hand. Turn it into a teachable moment on how to negotiate, which is a prized soft skill in any human setting. 

“You’re a good-for-nothing” is often said in a heated moment (and for the most part, does not represent how the parent truly feels about his or her child). Instead, take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset to the point of saying something so harsh. 

Granted, these will require from parents a lot more patience and practice than the knee-jerk one-liners hastily blurted out in so many an unfortunate parent-child moment. And for sure, most of us will not succeed right away to rewrite the parenting script handed down to us. 

Still, we shouldn’t give up but persevere. 

For surely the last thing anyone wants is to raise up a generation where, instead of two, now three out of three adults have ACE! 

Right? 

How to Teach a Child about Privacy

Teaching children about privacy starts with helping them understand what information is meant to be shared, and what should be kept personal. By using simple, age‑appropriate language and everyday examples, parents can guide their children to recognise boundaries, respect others’ space, and stay safe both offline and online. These early conversations build the foundation for digital awareness and healthy relationships as they grow.

While in a tech-driven world this mostly relates to data privacy online, the concept also extends to teaching them that parts of our body are private and are not meant for sharing. 

Preschool years (4-6) 

Every part of our body serves a function, and our private body parts (areas covered by swimsuits) are special and important. We can help our children understand that these parts are not meant to be seen or touched by others. 

Practise naming these private parts using the correct terms (e.g. use “breasts” instead of “boobs”, “penis” instead of “wee wee”) to help them build factual understanding. Shower times are good opportunities to point out these areas in a casual yet educational way. 

Avoid exposing children’s private parts in public no matter how desperate a situation might be. For example, when in public, children should always change out their clothes in a private cubicle such as a bathroom.  

Avoid oversharing children’s photos, particularly revealing ones, on our own social media accounts. This will reduce their digital footprint and prevent their images from falling into the hands of malicious actors, who can create harmful deepfake nudes with the help of AI tools.  

Role-play possible scenarios to teach children refusal skills in an engaging and fun manner: If they are asked by someone to show their private parts, they should respond with a firm ‘no’, walk away immediately, and tell a trusted adult. It would be additionally helpful for them to know a few trusted adults they can turn to, apart from Daddy and Mummy. 


Teach children to respect others’ privacy just as they would want others to respect theirs. 

Primary years (7-12) 

Use everyday opportunities to explain how the concept of privacy comes up in various settings: when using public bathrooms, in close proximity with someone else’s device screen, or handling personal info such as passwords, school, email and home addresses. 

In each scenario, teach children to respect others’ privacy just as they would want others to respect theirs. For example, they should not peer into someone else’s device screen because the content may not be safe for them (pornography, violence, confidential data, etc.), nor should they divulge sensitive, personal info to others verbally because it puts them at risk of identity thefts or scams. 

If handing your children a smartphone is inevitable, ensure that parental controls are in place to support their online safety. Let them know that their devices may be monitored to help guide their privacy decisions until they’re ready to manage them independently. Some helpful parental control apps include Google Family Link and Qustodio, although they cannot replace the central role that parents play in helping children develop necessary skills around their privacy. 

The general minimum age for social media accounts is 13 years old to protect children’s privacy, although in reality, children younger than 13 still own accounts. If this is something your child is keen to explore, why not co-own an account with him to model and advocate for constructive and purposeful use of social media? Use this opportunity to impart critical thinking and decision-making skills as the parent taking the lead in choosing what, when, and how much to share online.  

Remind children in this age group that they should not be chatting with strangers online as they are too young to discern when they are being groomed. Instead, make time to connect with them regularly so they will be less tempted to overshare info with a stranger online. 

Our role should be to teach them how to think critically about their privacy decisions, rather than what to think. 

Teenage years (13-16)   

Teenagers are likely to spend more time online and need the consistency of a values-based decision-making framework to help them discern how to safeguard their privacy across different settings.  

Parents should assess teens’ needs and maturity before determining how much and the type of supervision needed to support them in making wise choices, and focus on building a strong relationship with them while being transparent in communication. Our role should be to teach them how to think critically about their privacy decisions, rather than what to think. 

Rehearse digital literacy often as a family – before posting something online, engage your teen to brainstorm with you on its purpose, constructiveness, reliability, and privacy concerns. Ask for thoughts about what responsibility looks like online (e.g. avoid posting photos that reveal anyone’s personal info, post only truthful and constructive content). Normalise a “thinking pause” before responding to or posting anything online. 

Try this with your teen: Google your name, or a combination of your name with other identifying data such as school, workplace, or hobbies, to find out your digital footprint. Debrief by asking questions like, “Were there any surprises? Would this change the way you manage your data online from now? Why and how?” 

Draw your teen’s attention to the type of ads and content that show up on your social media or YouTube feed. It is likely that the powerful, data-driven algorithm would have shown you something related to what you had in your thoughts or mentioned in passing. Is this persuasive design “cool”, or concerning, and why? What does this reveal about our privacy?   

Most of all, teach and show teens how they can lead fulfilling lives offline – it is crucial for them to know that their online life is but a fraction of their whole life, and that we as parents are always here for them. If they do experience consequences of a privacy breach online, they would hopefully have the resilience to know that it isn’t the end of their world; they have a safe space with us, life is still very much worth living for, and we can turn crisis into learning opportunities to help us become better navigators of online privacy concerns.   

The Future of Healthy Sexuality Report

Introduction

The Future of Healthy Sexuality Report presents a summary of the discussions held at the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass 2025. The Healthy Sexuality Masterclass is part of Focus on the Family Singapore’s ongoing efforts to equip practitioners and families with a holistic understanding of sexuality. This year’s event in August welcomed 204 participants, including representatives from the social work, education, and counselling sectors, and faith and community leaders.

The following brief outlines key insights, discussion points, and emerging trends that may help you better understand the challenges facing the next generation—and how to respond effectively.

Research Brief

📄 Download PDF now

How Do I Talk to My Child About Boy-Girl Relationships?

Talking to our children about relationships isn’t going to be a one-time event — we can start building opportunities for a series of age-appropriate, ongoing conversations built on trust and openness.

Whether they are just starting to notice the opposite gender, navigating crushes, or exploring serious relationships, here’s how you can walk with them through this journey — without being overly “nosy” or out of touch.  

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged.

General principles to keep in mind

Principle 1: Connection before correction

Many of us grew up in households where relationships were either taboo or joked about (“Eh, got boyfriend or not?”). But a real conversation starts with building trust — not waiting until your child has someone to “confess” about.

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged. That starts with small, daily conversations, not only serious “talks.”

Be curious about their world. Don’t dismiss their feelings — even if a crush seems trivial to you, it may mean the world to them.

I remember a mum friend who shared with me how her son, a Secondary 1 boy, once casually said, “I think I like someone in class.” Her first instinct was to panic and lecture him on ‘not now, you must focus on your studies!’ Instead, she paused, breathed, and simply asked, “Tell me more.” That small moment opened a door to conversation. And months later, he came to her again — when his ‘almost-relationship’ fizzled and he felt lost.

Principle 2: Focus on character, not control

It’s important to go beyond setting rules like “no dating until you’re older.”

Ask introspective questions and have discussions that help your child grow into someone who knows how to respect and be respected in any relationship:

  • “What do you look for in a friend or partner?”
  • “What does kindness or respect look like in a relationship?”
  • “How do you want to be treated — and how will you treat others?”

Focus on what makes a relationship respectful, healthy, and grounded in shared values. These are lessons they will carry into adulthood.

What would you do if your 13-year-old daughter came home saying two classmates were “together”?

Rather than brush it off, you could gently ask: “What do you think it means when people say they’re dating at this age?” and use that opportunity to open the door to a reflective, age-appropriate conversation on emotional maturity and friendship boundaries.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

Principle 3: Keep the conversation going

Use real life opportunities to talk. Books, movies, songs, newspaper stories or even situations involving peers can be natural entry points for meaningful discussion, especially when children are less open to direct questioning.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

When they reach their mid-teens or older, we need to change our approach. Typically, as they inch nearer to adulthood, they won’t need our “recommendations” or “reservations” as much as they need us to be available and patient in our listening.

In these times, we can afford to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Remember that our children are making choices and maturing in their decision making, especially emotionally and relationally. We can show up with our presence and availability when they need our advice or support.

I recall a mother friend sharing that her daughter, in her third year of polytechnic, broke off a relationship before a major project. Instead of questioning the timing, she listened, affirmed her daughter’s decision to prioritise her well-being, and reminded her that relationships should support — not undermine — her goals.

Age-Specific Guidance

Tween years (10–12)

Curiousity & crushes

What’s happening:

They are beginning to notice the opposite gender. Crushes, teasing, and curiosity are common, especially as puberty kicks in.

What to say and do:

  • Normalise, don’t dramatise. Say things like: “It’s totally okay to like someone — it’s part of growing up.”
  • Clarify boundaries. Help them understand what respectful friendships look like and talk about consent in age-appropriate ways.
  • Discuss respectful behaviour. “If someone teases you about liking someone, what can you do?”
  • Discuss media messages. Many tweens get their ideas about love and romance from Netflix, YouTube or TikTok. Use those moments to ask: “Do you think that’s what real relationships are like?”
  • Keep the door open. Assure them: “You can always come to me if you feel unsure or have questions.”

Teen years (13–15): Exploring first relationships

What’s happening:

Real emotions, romantic feelings, and possibly first relationships begin. Peer pressure and insecurity may grow.

What to say and do:

  • Talk about emotional readiness. Not every teen is ready for a relationship. Ask reflective questions like: “What do you think makes a relationship healthy?”, “Do your friends talk about dating? What do you think about it?”
  • Discuss respect and boundaries. Use clear examples: “If someone pressures you to do something you’re not comfortable with, that’s not love.”
  • Acknowledge feelings. Don’t downplay heartbreak or infatuation. Instead say: “I remember liking someone at that age too — it felt so intense!”
  • Set your family values. Share your beliefs honestly but respectfully. Instead of commanding, try: “In our family, we believe relationships should be built on trust and respect.”

Encourage self-respect. “You don’t have to be in a relationship to be valued. What do you like about yourself?”

Emerging Years (16–19): Developing mature relationships

What’s happening:

By this stage, your child may begin experiencing more serious relationships. Many are also navigating identity, independence, and the tension between wanting emotional closeness and fulfilling academic or life responsibilities.

What they need from you:

  • Respect for their growing autonomy.
  • Candid conversations about intimacy, emotional safety, and long-term thinking.
  • Assurance that they can always come to you — especially when things go wrong.

What to say and do:

  • Shift from control to coaching. Your tone matters. Be less directive and more guiding. Ask: “What are you learning about yourself through this relationship?”
  • Talk about values and goals. Encourage them to think long-term: “Does this relationship help you grow?” or “Does it align with your beliefs or who you want to become?”
  • Discuss physical boundaries honestly. If your values include abstinence for example, state them respectfully and explain your reasons.

Be a sounding board, not a judge. If they make mistakes or get hurt, respond with compassion, not lectures.

De-stressing Exam Stressors

Exam stresses can be distressing, both for kids and parents. However, since stress is something that everyone experiences regardless of life stage, learning to de-stress our stressors is a vital skill to develop.   

For our schooling children, exam stress could be an unlikely opportunity to grow in emotional regulation skills that will aid them through life. Likewise, for us parents, managing our own stress when our kids are going through exams can also strengthen us.  

Mother of two Jasmine Lu, who is also a parent-coach specialising in emotional intelligence, quoted litigator Maureen Killoran – “She once said stress is not what happens to us, it’s our response to what happens”.  

As we reframe ourselves out of a victim mindset that stress is something uncontrollable that just happens to me, we gain emotional strength to control our responses.  
 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why.

Reason for concern 

In parenting our children when stressed, we must also be self-aware. Citing a case where a parent Jasmine was coaching was very concerned about her daughter taking the national exams, she found out that the parent was herself an English teacher and carried the stress that if her child should fail the English test, it would reflect badly on herself.  

“When she shared that, it became clearer that actually it was her own fears of what people might say,” said Jasmine, who also runs a podcast for parents called The Eq-xperimental Parent. 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why and choose to work on ourselves so we don’t impose the feelings of stress on our children.  

“We have to remind ourselves our children are like sponges. They absorb everything that we project on them and they ‘squeeze it out’ by reflecting it… It’s our own securities, our own fears that they are absorbing, and they’re going to learn which will form patterns and become their default stress coping techniques,” she said. 
 

The first step to getting a handle on your emotions is to identify it. Here is a free exam prep cheat sheet for parents and kids to manage exam stress well.

Download PDF now (2.62 MB)

Thoughts, feelings, actions 

Our thoughts, feelings and actions are all interlinked. If we want our kids to take certain actions, we must guide their thoughts and feelings as well.  

Jasmine defined high emotional quotient (EQ) as “being intelligent with your emotions” which requires “very high self-awareness” and will also help you “read the mood of the room, showing empathy and relationship management”.  

How do we use high EQ to help our children manage exam stress? Well, the first step to getting a handle of your emotions is to identify it.  

“We call it ‘name it to tame it’. So, if you are able to name your emotion, it’s been scientifically backed that you’re more likely able to tame that emotion because… you’re actually engaging your logical brain to be back in control,” shared Jasmine. She added that naming the emotion also sends your brain the signal that you understand what is going on, which helps reduce the intensity of neurochemicals it creates.  

So helping your kids name their feelings is a huge first step. Since the pre-frontal cortex that controls their logical reasoning is yet to be fully developed, it is only in co-regulation that they will learn emotional regulating skills.  

To aid our children in developing their emotional literacy and coping skills, avoid questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, ask open-ended questions and don’t rush to prescribe an answer. Allow them to feel and sit in their feelings. 

“This is about their feelings, so it should be about them. So, the way we talk to them should open up conversations about how they feel, and not become like a whole sharing session about oh, in my time that’s how I did it,” she cautioned.  

Be genuinely curious about what’s going on in their world and don’t be afraid if they take a while to find the words to express themselves. Every child is different, so while one may pour out their feelings, another may not, and you would need to read their body language instead. Whichever way, if you can learn to hold space for them, it helps them learn that you genuinely want to know more.  

 C.A.L.M.  

For a growth mindset and resilient outlook, Jasmine shares a framework that she uses in her own coaching:  

C – Categorise your emotions  
What am I feeling? Name it to tame it. Is it just sadness? Or is it disappointment?  

A – Appraise your emotions  
What is this emotion trying to tell me? Is my sadness making me feel hopeless? Is there a sense of despair because I feel stuck? Do I feel like I am a failure because I find this hard?  

L – Look for options  
What can I do to change these emotions? In a growth mindset, you can avoid feeling trapped and powerless by learning to adapt during difficult situations. Help your children anchor themselves back on certain truths, like remembering they are valued regardless of their results.  

M – Move  
What can I do to move my child or myself out of this situation? Come up with a plan to take bite-sized practical steps away from the heaviness of the emotions. Small in-the-moment actions like learning not to focus on the mountain of exams, but just on that day’s learning can be very liberating. You may have to brainstorm for bigger long-term plans like schedule changes for your children and help them identify rewards that can help them stay on track in a happier manner.  

Like everything worth doing, there will be highs and lows in your journey as a parent helping your child de-stress. Take heart and stay adaptable with a growth mindset, and always make sure your children know how they are valued as themselves, not for their results. What you do now with exam stress matters for them as the budding young men and women they are growing into!