Child’s Life Stage: Tween

Recognising Everyday Champions of Family

Relationship builders and nurturers can be found in the everyday: Individuals who stand for and exemplify a heart for Family, because strong families do not happen by chance – they are built through intention, resilience and the choices of those who prioritise relationships amid life’s demands. 

This year, Focus on the Family Singapore recognises individuals who have made a meaningful impact in strengthening families, whether through their influence at home, in the workplace, or across our wider community. 

The Family Champion Award for the Individual category honours those who have demonstrated a deep commitment to nurturing family life, creating environments where relationships can thrive, and inspiring others to do likewise. 

This year’s featured nominees, Darius Lee, Samuel Lim and Yvonne Kong-Ho, each bring unique perspectives shaped by their personal journeys. While their paths differ, they share a common conviction: Strong families are foundational to a flourishing society. 

DARIUS LEE, Cultivate SG 

When Darius observed shifting attitudes towards marriage and family from a declining interest in starting families to rising divorce rates in his 20s, he felt a growing conviction to take a stand. 

What began as a personal concern has now grown into a steady stream of pro-family engagements. Through his writing, public engagement, and his work as Executive Director of Cultivate SG, Darius  consistently applies his passion into thoughtful action. 

How did you get started? 

I was first spurred to strengthen families when I was in my 20s. I saw the developments taking place within my social circles and in society including declining interest in marriage and family, rising divorce rates, and other challenges and controversies surrounding the institution of family. 

As someone who believes in the foundational importance of family to society, I felt that I needed to do more to speak up for the institution of marriage and family. 

What has your journey been like? 

Since my 20s, I have been advocating for marriage, family and children through my writings and interviews, which have been published in mainstream media and elsewhere. 

More recently, I have taken on the role of Executive Director of Cultivate SG, a non-profit organisation that supports the values of marriage, family, children, and social harmony. 

Within the organisation, we have staff at different stages of life. Some are parents of young children, like myself, while others have elderly parents. We aim to live out our values by implementing family-friendly workplace practices. These include flexible work arrangements and an overall culture that is understanding of each person’s needs and stage of life. When necessary, we adjust timelines and schedules to support one another. 

What impact have you seen? 

Left most: Darius moderating Cultivate SG’s Unfiltered Conference in 2024; second from left: Delia Ng, CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore as a panellist.

Cultivate SG held its inaugural conference, “Unfiltered – The Whole Family Conversation,” in November 2024. We were grateful for the support of Focus on the Family Singapore from the beginning. 

Delia Ng, CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore, joined the conference as a panellist on the topic of divorce. The conference brought together participants from diverse backgrounds and created space for meaningful conversations about family issues. 

Since then, Unfiltered has become an important voice on topics relating to family. For example, our 2025 conference addressed narrow definitions of “success” and how they impact families. This has since become part of broader conversations around Singapore’s education culture and parenting pressures. 

How have you partnered with Focus on the Family Singapore? 

One impactful initiative was Family Future Makers (FFM), which ran for the first time in 2025. I’m grateful to have partnered with Focus Singapore to engage and equip a new generation of young people who are passionate about family. 

Through FFM, participants gained insights into real challenges facing families today, such as low fertility rates and an ageing population. They were also encouraged to consider how they can contribute to strengthening families through their personal lives, education, and careers. 

More significantly, it gave me renewed hope to see many young people who are keen to make a difference for families in their communities and in society. 

What impact do you hope to make? 

With global uncertainties, record-low fertility rates and a rapidly ageing society, there are many pressures affecting families in Singapore. There are also ongoing challenges and debates surrounding the institution of marriage and family. 

Yet, family remains one of the key pillars of support in society. 

Instead of responding with fear, anxiety or despair, I believe we need a renewed sense of faith, hope and love, faith beyond here and now, hope for the future, and love that involves sacrifice and putting the needs of others before ourselves. 

SAMUEL LIM, Educator 

For Samuel, the importance of strong families was shaped early at home. Watching his parents intentionally progress in their parenting styles, he saw firsthand that strong families are built over time, with effort, learning and commitment. 

With nearly 30 years of working with youth, he has witnessed one consistent truth: Family plays a pivotal role in shaping every young person’s life. 

How did you get started? 

It began at home. My parents were intentional about parenting, and they raised my sister and I using Focus on the Family’s resources, particularly James Dobson’s books. We watched them learn and grow alongside us over the years, as the books on their shelves changed from Bringing Up Boys/Girls, to Dare to Discipline, to Praying for Your Adult Children. 

In my time working with youth, I often saw a clear reflection of the family in the child. It reinforced a vital truth: Families are not perfect, but they are deeply influential. To help them thrive, the wider community must play an active role in supporting them. 

What has your journey been like? 

In my workplace, I try to balance organisational needs with personal priorities when supporting colleagues. 

I often remind them that while work matters, family is something we will never regret prioritising. I create space for honest conversations about navigating work-family tensions and, where possible, lend support in practical ways so they can contribute impactfully but not at the expense of family time. 

Even in the workplace, we can create a culture that feels like a community looking out for one another. 

What impact have you seen? 

One of the most meaningful initiatives has been introducing the FamChamps programme in our school. 

We started in 2019 with a small group of students, adapted through COVID-19 with initiatives like the Family Bingo Challenge during Circuit Breaker, and eventually expanded across multiple Secondary 1 cohorts. Over time, we saw meaningful shifts – students expressing deeper appreciation for their families, gaining the language to process family challenges, and stepping up to mentor others. 

We’ve also launched FamChamps Unite, a student-led community to sustain this culture, championed by representatives from each batch of FamChamps. 

Most importantly, we’ve seen positive changes in how students relate to their families and that has been the most meaningful impact. 

Students set up a booth at the Sec 1 Orientation to emphasise the importance of family to the incoming Sec 1s. 

Second row, extreme right: Samuel joining his students as they were commissioned as FamChamps at FamChamps Awards in 2024.

How have you partnered with Focus on the Family Singapore? 

My journey with Focus on the Family Singapore has largely been through FamChamps, as a mentor, volunteer, and advocate. 

Apart from mentoring, I’ve supported Focus Singapore’s initiatives such as State of the Family, charity events and outreach programmes like Date with Dad. These experiences allowed me to see the broader work being done to strengthen families. 

More directly, I’ve shared with other educators about how FamChamps has made a positive impact in our school and encouraged them to adopt similar approaches. Whenever the opportunity arises, I encourage schools to integrate FamChamps into their curriculum in a sustained way so that we can strengthen family relationships across schools and impact generations, one cohort at a time. 

What impact do you hope to make? 

Families today are more complex, and many feel overwhelmed. 

I remind students that while they cannot choose their circumstances, they can choose how they respond. Every interaction matters. 

Strong families are built over time, through everyday choices, and each of us has a role to play in that. 

YVONNE KONG-HO, Singapore Institute of Technology 

For Yvonne, the desire to strengthen families is an intrinsic one. Having seen the tensions and struggles that can arise when support systems are lacking, this has shaped a lifelong conviction that strong marriages and nurturing family environments are essential yet often require intentional effort and guidance. 

Today, through her work as an educator, mentor and advocate, Yvonne seeks to equip individuals, especially young adults, with the tools, perspectives and hopes to build healthy relationships and thriving families. 

How did you get started?  

Having gotten married at a rather young age of 24, I believe in the importance of strong marriages and the power of raising children in a loving, supportive environment. But I also recognise and understand how that journey can be fraught with challenges. Many people tend to struggle silently rather than seek support.  That’s why I feel a strong desire to encourage and support couples, parents, and young adults, especially those who are fearful or uncertain about starting a family, to know they don’t have to walk this journey alone.  

What has your journey been like? 

I’m thankful to have had the opportunity to work closely with young adults in my roles at local universities.

I’ve been intentional about going beyond career coaching to have conversations about life, relationships, marriage, and family responsibilities. Many students are already thinking about how to balance career ambitions with future family life, and they often feel unsure. I share openly from my own experience, getting married young, raising children while pursuing further studies, to show that while it’s not easy, it is possible. 

Even small decisions matter. For instance, I made it a point to leave evening work events early to spend time with my children when they were younger, and over time, students noticed. These moments became opportunities to demonstrate what it means to prioritise family in practical ways.  

In my teaching, I also weave in relationship skills such as communication, conflict resolution and understanding personality differences because these are critical not just at work, but at home. 

What impact have you seen? 

One initiative close to my heart was developing and implementing the module Managing Human Relationships Professionally at a local university.

We observed that while students were academically successful, many appeared to have challenges in their relationships, unsure how to communicate effectively, navigate conflicts or approach dating and marriage with confidence. 

Through this module, we equipped students with practical skills such as communication, conflict resolution, and understanding relationship dynamics. Students responded very positively, sharing how the lessons helped them in both personal and professional relationships. 

Years later, some have shared how they applied what they learned in real-life situations, including challenging workplace relationships. While the outcomes may not always be visible, I believe these skills have a lasting impact on how they build relationships and families. 

How have you partnered with Focus on the Family Singapore? 

Through the years, I am thankful to have been a part of these efforts with Focus on the Family Singapore: 

  • Partnered with multiple Focus Singapore staff members to co-teach and contribute to a graded module at a local university
  • Featured as Focus Singapore’s first podcast guest (Jan 2020) 
  • Took part in two CNA938 radio discussions, facilitated by Focus Singapore 
  • Joined a Facebook Live session as guest speaker during the COVID-19 season  
  • Served on the “Solutions for the Family” panel at State of the Family 
  • Participated in a parenting fireside chat at a FamChamps camp (with my daughter) 
  • Conducted a fireside chat with the FamChamps Council 
  • Invited Focus Singapore to speak at a local university, introducing students to family and relationship topics alongside career development 
  • Facilitated a local university’s Marketing partnership to support Focus Singapore’s programmes 
  • Joined Focus Singapore as a guest speaker at their weekly Team Time to bring encouragement to the staff 
  • Continued to advocate for families through CNA commentaries on parenting, marriage and family life 

 Yvonne sharing as a parent and educator at a Facebook Live session during COVID.

Yvonne with Focus’ staff after her sharing at Team Time.

What impact do you hope to make? 

Marriage is precious, and families are something we should cherish deeply. 

In the busyness of life, it’s easy to give our best to work and leave the rest for our loved ones. But strong relationships require effort, sacrifice and intentionality. 

My hope is that more people will choose to invest in their families, to love deeply, communicate openly, and build relationships that are resilient and life-giving. 

Because when families are strong, society as a whole becomes stronger. 

Building Strong Families, One Life at a Time 

While their journeys are different, Darius, Samuel, and Yvonne share a common thread – a deep belief that strong families are worth investing in. 

As nominees for this year’s Family Champion Award for the Individual category, their stories highlight the many ways individuals can shape a family-friendly culture, through advocacy, education, mentorship and everyday decisions that prioritise relationships. 

Their efforts have strengthened families, influenced communities, and inspired others to take intentional steps towards building healthier homes. 

Because ultimately, building strong families begins with individuals and the choices they make, one day at a time. 

How to Build Family Resilience in Uncertain Times

At a Glance: 

  • Families can stay resilient by facing financial pressures honestly 
  • Making budgeting a family practice can teach children about limits, priorities and planning for the long-term 
  • Learning what is “enough” can help families choose contentment and to live well within our limits. 
  • Simple habits like thankfulness can help keep families grounded  

For many families today, conversations around spending have become more careful and constrained. Rising prices for essentials like food, transport and utilities mean that more households are paying closer attention to everyday spending.  

In times like these, what does it mean to be a resilient family? One thing is for sure – it’s not about pretending that things are fine and dandy; neither is it about pushing through stoically without feeling. But it’s about adapting thoughtfully as a family unit, and staying emotionally steady through the process.

Making budgeting a family practice 

Resilience is cultivated in the ordinary moments that shape our home life. 

Take budgeting for instance. It is not just a financial task that we can approach logically and coldly. The way we make money-related decisions sets the tone for how our children understand budget and limits, especially in uncertain times. 

Here are some ways families may be curbing their spending: 

  • Cooking more meals instead of eating out 
  • Delaying non-essential purchases   
  • Comparing prices together   
  • Going to neighbouring countries for holidays 

To be honest, I was never a budgeting person – until I met my husband and he introduced me to the beauty of a budget spreadsheet. Still, it took me years to understand why we ever needed to have a budget and to track our spending monthly. The tool came in handy when we had to seriously consider having one of us stay home to care for the kids when the trio were all under the age of six. We were able to work out our sums rationally, and come to a reasonable budget that would not eat into our savings, and yet allow us to be present with the children in their formative years. 

Today, our children are all teens, and they understand what we mean when we ask, “What’s your budget?” When times are tighter, we are also able to explain our budgeting choices calmly, such as by saying, “We’re choosing to cut back now because it helps us take care of our family’s needs in the long term.” 

Our children learn over time that having a budget isn’t a dampener on our lifestyle, but a prudent approach towards building a sustainable future. When times are difficult, they see us adults adapting to the challenges of the day, but not panicking. This adaptability is a building block of resilience.  

Our children learn that having a budget isn’t a dampener on our lifestyle, but a prudent approach towards building a sustainable future. 

Learning contentment

If budgeting teaches our children how to work with limits, contentment teaches them how to live well within those limits. 

Contentment is often misunderstood as settling for less, when in reality, it is the quiet confidence of knowing what is enough, and being thankful for what we have. In our home, we try to practise contentment through the small trade-offs we make together. 

For example: 

  • Repairing or reusing items instead of replacing them straight away 
  • Putting purchases “on pause” to see if we still want them after a few weeks 
  • Choosing one shared family treat per week instead of multiple ones 

I used to worry that saying “no” too often would make our children feel deprived. Over time, I realised that what mattered more was how we said no — calmly, without guilt, and with a clear explanation. When we say things like, “Let’s wait and think about this,” or “Are you sure you really need this right now?” we model self‑control and pausing to think. 

As our children grew older, they began to recognise contentment as a form of stability for the family. They learnt that we were not being a killjoy, but making room for intentional choices that we truly desire and value.  

This ability to live peacefully within limits, without resentment or constant comparison, also helps to build our resilience muscles.

Turning gratitude into daily rhythms 

Research consistently shows that gratitude plays an important role in emotional well‑being. Studies link gratitude to better mental health, improved sleep, stronger relationships and greater resilience during stressful periods.  

Gratitude, like resilience, is something we need to practise in the mundane everyday moments. In our family, gratitude did not begin as a formal exercise. It grew out of a need to notice what we could still be grateful for even when things felt demanding. Over time, it became part of our bedtime rituals. 

Some ways to practise gratitude: 

  • Share one good thing from the day during dinner or at bedtime 
  • Thank one another for effort, rather than outcomes 
  • Acknowledge small joys aloud, eg. a quiet evening, a funny joke, a meal eaten together 

There were days when the practice felt awkward, especially when everyone was tired or preoccupied. But along the way, something shifted within us, and gratitude became less performative and more habitual. We learnt that giving thanks did not require us to minimise difficulties; it simply helped to remind us that difficulty was not the whole story. 

So even when circumstances are not ideal, as a family, we can still choose to notice what is good, and this helps us stay emotionally steady and grounded. 

Giving thanks helped to remind us that difficulty was not the whole story. 

Modelling resilience for the long term 

One of the most important gifts we can give our children is not comfort alone, but resilience.  

When children observe us responding to changes in the environment with steadiness rather than fear and anxiety, and appreciation rather than resentment, they too learn how to face uncertainty with strength and hope.   

Economic conditions will continue to shift. Costs may rise and fall. But resilience is not about control over circumstances, it is about how families choose to respond within them. 

Q&A: What are Sexual Desires and Must I Act on Them?

At a glance: 

    • Curiosity, attraction, and bodily responses are a normal part of growing up across different developmental stages. 
    • Feelings and physical responses are not the same as choices, and not every desire needs to be acted upon. 
    • Parents play a key role in guiding children to understand, manage, and respond to their sexual desires in safe and healthy ways. 

Have you noticed your child touching their private parts out of curiosity? Or your teenager going shy at the sight of an attractive person? Humans are sexual beings. The sexual urges and desires we feel are part and parcel of a person’s development and experience.  

What is that feeling? 

In psychology, sexual desire is the subjective feeling of wanting (or longing) to engage in sexual activity. It can appear spontaneously or in response to stimuli or pleasure, triggered externally (erotic material, situations) or internally (fantasies and thoughts). In other words, sexual desire is an emotional or mental response.  

This is in contrast to sexual arousal. For most people, sexual arousal tends to begin around puberty (ages 10-14). It is a physiological response triggered by sexual stimuli that expresses itself in physical sensations like feeling of warmth, heart rate acceleration, tingling, dilation of arteries in the genital area. Sexual arousal is a physical response. 

We need to give our children handles to understand what is happening and learn to respond in an age-appropriate manner. 

While they are closely related, and often happen together, it is not always necessarily so. It is possible to have arousal without desire and vice versa. More often than not though, arousal does indicate some form of desire, and desire may lead to arousal.   

Importantly, what matters is learning how to manage our desires safely and healthily. We need to give our children handles to understand what is happening and learn to respond in an age-appropriate manner.  

By doing so, we hope to avoid the pain and negative consequences of inappropriate sexual activity.  

Primary years (7-9)
Tween years (10-12)

Children are curious about the world. Naturally, they will also be curious about their bodies. At this age, children may notice and ask questions about male and female genitals. They may touch their own genitals, and for some, even masturbate in private. Others may form affectionate relationships with their peers—holding hands or hugging. 

We should address our children’s questions clearly and unashamedly, using proper terms. We can help them understand the purpose of our private parts and why we should keep them private, and that people should not be touching them inappropriately and vice versa.  

Relatedly, we should also set boundaries as to how they show affection to other children or adults. Not every person (young or old) may be comfortable with physical affection. We want to keep our children safe and give them a healthy understanding of their growing sexual development.  

Teen years (13-16)
Emerging years (17-19) 

As tweens and teenagers experience puberty, they will have an increased awareness of sexual attraction and how their body responds accordingly. They may start to feel heightened sensations (arousal) when they are around people they are attracted to. With attraction comes desire. Teenagers will need to learn how to manage these desires, whether they are in a romantic relationship or not.  

As they age, teenagers may start to think about their values and beliefs about sex and relationships. In response to arousal and desire, they may express it by masturbating in private or exploring erotic material. They may also choose to pursue physically intimate relationships. Not every action is safe or healthy.  

The teenage years can be a challenging and confusing time. Their prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making and impulse control) is still developing, often leading to a general lack of self-control. Coupled with hormonal changes and peer influence, teens may engage in reckless behaviour. To leave them without guidance and instruction would be a disservice to them.  

While we may not be able to control our sexual arousal, we can control our sexual desires for safe and healthy sexual development.

It is all the more pertinent to keep communication lines open to talk through the physical, mental, emotional and sexual experiences our teenagers are going through. Such conversations do not have to be long but they should communicate that these developments are a normal part of life. 

Even then, their sexual arousal and desire need to be managed carefully and safely so that they do not end up harming themselves or others. As parents, we want to set clear boundaries in their friendships and dating relationships to prevent unsafe sexual behaviour. Remind them that there will always be consequences to any action. 

How to manage sexual desires?

Sexual arousal and desire aren’t the issue – what matters is what we do about them. While we may not be able to control our sexual arousal, we can control our sexual desires for safe and healthy sexual development. Not all sexual desires should be acted upon.  

Just because a person is sexually aroused does not give them the right to touch or engage in sexual activity with another person. Any sexual act carried out without consent constitutes a criminal offence. This also includes recording, possessing or sharing intimate photos or videos of others without explicit permission. Further, under Singapore law, persons under the age of 16 are unable to legally consent to any sexual activity. 

Likewise, while pleasuring oneself through masturbation may seem inconsequential, it can become an issue if it interferes with physical health or other social settings. A person’s view of sex can also be distorted if there is a constant desire to watch pornography or other erotic material. Engaging in such sexual activity is generally unhelpful in forming a healthy view of sex and relationships.  

It would be wise to teach our children to be aware of how they are feeling and to remove themselves from situations that may make it difficult to control themselves, possibly leading to unsafe sexual activity.  

These scenarios may include being in a private space with another person, or when they come across sexual content while browsing the internet.  

We may think that living out and fulfilling our sexual desires is what will make us most happy. However, sexual desire is most satisfying and safely expressed in a loving, committed relationship, i.e. marriage.  

Any other forms may lead to brokenness and mistrust. Let’s help our children understand how harmful it can be if we let our sexual desires run free without control. Assure them that what they experience is normal but also give them the tools to manage it for healthy development. 

Enter Your Grandchild’s World

My granddaughter Ophelia rummaged through the toy bin and held up two tattered superhero capes.  

“You wear the pink one,” she instructed me and tried to place the cape over my T-shirt. I scooped the tiny 2-year-old into my arms, knowing what came next.  

She asked, “Should we dance or fly-a-sky, Grandma?”  

I was already scrolling through the playlist on my phone in search of the Mary Poppins song “Let’s Go Fly a Kite.”  

Within seconds, Ophie was squealing as we twirled around the room. Dancing—a generous term for my awkward movements—is one way I have connected with my youngest grandchild.  

Research by Oxford professor Ann Buchanan indicates that a high level of grandparent involvement, whatever the activity, greatly increases the overall well-being of grandchildren. In a study of more than 1,500 children, Buchanan found that kids who have more involved grandparents have fewer emotional and behavioural problems than kids who don’t have a regular connection.  

So how can grandparents ensure a meaningful connection when they’re with their grandchildren? There’s no special grandparent glue, but we can choose to study our grandchildren, ask questions and be intentional about spending time with them.  

Studying grandkids 

Each child is uniquely created. Therefore, it’s important to watch for his emerging interests, talents and personality traits. You also can observe whether your grandchild is an extrovert or an introvert, a leader or a supporter. Finally, you can take note of his temperament. 

Look, also, for signs of how your grandchild expresses love to you and other family members. Do they enjoy spending time with you? Do they always want to bring you a gift? Do they like helping out in the kitchen or snuggling on the sofa with a book? These observations from Dr. Gary Chapman’s research on love languages can give you ideas about how your grandchild is more likely to experience your love when you are together. 

The goal of studying your grandchild is to find a way to connect that is meaningful to the child. The better we understand our grand-blessings, the stronger the connection.  

Ask questions 

When we interact with our grandkids, we should strive to ask questions that reveal their heart. Nurture open-ended conversation instead of yes-or-no questions.  

Showing an interest in our grandkids as individuals helps create a safe place for them to ask questions in return.  

These meaningful conversations are
where genuine mentoring often takes place. 

Spend time 

Opportunity for connection with our grandkids increases when we have one-on-one time with them, rather than engaging with multiple children at once. But if you have more grandchildren than days in the week, and it isn’t possible to spend time with each child individually, go ahead and do activities in a group. But find moments to engage with each grandchild so he knows you see him as an individual.  

Relationship Stages With Grandkids 

Kids with supportive grandparents are far more likely to overcome adversity and become successful in school and life, says school psychologist Karyn Singley Blair, who has spent 20 years working with children and adolescents. Blair identifies five stages of development for children. Understanding these stages will help grandparents better relate to their grandchildren.  

Infants and toddlers: birth through 18 months 

During the first year and a half of life, connection with a child is built mainly through physical contact and meeting their primary needs so they develop trust in you, Blair says. Holding, feeding, reading to and playing with kids this age builds familiarity and trust. Even at this early stage, grandparents can study temperaments and emerging personalities. Most children up to 18 months have a very limited vocabulary but will still voice their preferences when asked questions such as “Do you want Grandpa to read Green Eggs and Ham or Good Good Father ?” or “Would you rather colour a picture or kick the soccer ball?” Their answers will begin to reveal their unique personalities. 

Early childhood: 18 months to 3 years 

At these ages, grandchildren will desire to do things themselves but will still need a lot of assistance. Establish a bond through helping them develop new skills. We learn a great deal about our grandchildren by patiently allowing them to work alongside us in simple tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and drying dishes. 

And keep noticing what makes your grandchildren unique! Are they detail-oriented or big-picture? Do they lose interest easily, or can they follow directions for a while?  

When Lisa Hebbert noticed that her 2-year-old granddaughter loved to make messes, she began creating mud pies with her. They later moved into the kitchen, where they exchanged mud for pudding and began creating real desserts together. Today, her granddaughter is a confident cook, and the two of them enjoy watching cooking shows together. 

Preschool: ages 3 to 6  

Preschoolers love to play, and they also start to imitate their caregivers. Since laughter connects the generations, be silly together. Allow plenty of playtime, but also pay attention to what a child struggles with and what he is eager to learn. Ask how he feels when he’s learning things.  

 

When my granddaughter Caeris was 3, she became frustrated because she couldn’t catch a Frisbee, and she told me this made her sad. 

I purchased some Frisbee rings and we practiced, celebrating each catch with a silly victory dance. Now, at 5, she loves to play Frisbee, and it has become one of our connections as we talk about not giving up just because something is hard. 

School age: ages 7 to 12  

School-age children are ready to learn how to be good citizens and become part of a bigger community. Connection at this stage happens as a child starts to discover the world outside of his or her family.  

Hebbert and her granddaughter found common ground in looking for ways to bless others—whether creating May Day baskets to hang on neighbours’ doorknobs or earning money for a charity. Hebbert built this connection as she recognised her granddaughter’s generous heart and has helped her serve the community around her.  

This connection comes from understanding the child, and it may not always be a hobby or interest of your own. My 7-year-old grandson is developing a real love for drawing. He constantly asks my husband and me to show him how to draw things. On my list of favourite things to do, I place drawing right above cleaning the bathroom. But to enter his world and create a bond through something he enjoys, I’ve begun viewing drawing tutorials with him. 

Whether I’m sitting with him and helping with the tutorial or drawing alongside him, we are building a connection. That connection gives me the opportunity to talk about being OK with making mistakes and encourage him to turn his mistakes into something even better. Mentoring is easier when we can use an area of our grandchild’s interest to nurture life lessons.  

Adolescent: ages 13 to 18 

As a grandparent, you know that a teen is looking to find his or her own identity and independence. Your grandchild may begin to pull away from family. Friends may become more important.  

To build and maintain connection during this stage, be present but not pushy. Get to know your grandchild’s friends and teammates. Ask your grandchild about his dreams, values and beliefs.  

Building connection means entering your grandchild’s world rather than forcing him into yours.

Long-distance connections 

Although bonding is easier when a grandparent is physically present, meaningful connection with a grandchild can still happen over long distances. Tina Ng and her husband, Jim, are new grandparents. “I think distance grandparenting will be the story of our lives,” Tina admits.  

She already uses FaceTime to read books to her grandson so her voice becomes familiar to him. They use an app called Tinybeans, which allows their daughters to share photos of the growing grandkids every day.

Grandparent club 

Notice what your grandchildren are interested in and form a long-distance club related to that area of interest. For Nancy Chan, it has been a book club. She sends books to her grandchildren, and after she and the kids read each book, they discuss what they’ve read. 

Other grandparent clubs might focus on puzzles, kid-friendly recipes, exercise, or drawing. You could also try a “word of the month” club, where participants can do anything creative with the month’s word, such as drawing, writing or painting. 

Other ideas for connecting to your grandchild’s world 

The point is to create common experiences. Here are other ideas that grandparents have used to connect with long-distance grandkids: 

  • Call individual grandchildren regularly
  • Offer to have the grandchildren visit you
  • Play online games together
  • Create videos to send to each other

© 2020 Marie Isom. Used with permission. All rights reserved. Originally published in the August/September 2020 issue of Focus on the Family magazine.

How to Spot and Prevent Parental Burnout

At a glance: 

  • Parental burnout goes beyond everyday stress, resulting from prolonged exhaustion that leads to emotional withdrawal, irritability, and loss of confidence as a parent. 
  • In Singapore, multiple pressures contribute to burnout, including work–family conflict, intensive parenting expectations, limited support, and caregiving across generations. 
  • Recovery starts with recognising limits and seeking support, through self‑care, setting boundaries, lowering unrealistic expectations, and reaching out for professional help when needed. 

Parental burnout is the condition where you are so exhausted as a parent that you feel you have nothing left to give. This often happens to parents who devote so much time and energy to their children that they neglect their own needs. This is not to be confused with everyday parenting stress.  

Parental stress is the type of mental stress that is triggered by the daily demands, responsibilities and expectations that come with bringing up children. What is interesting is that moderate levels of parenting stress can actually motivate parents to learn, adapt and improve their capacity to care for their children.  

What is parental burnout? 

While parental burnout and parental stress share some similar symptoms like exhaustion, parental burnout occurs when parents go through a more prolonged and recurring period of parenting stress and are no longer able to handle the situation given their resources. 

According to researchers, parental burnout is characterised by four symptoms that typically develop in stages.1 The first and most prominent symptom is extreme exhaustion brought about by the constant demands of parenting, and just the thought of caring for their children leaves them feeling depleted and drained.  

The second symptom involves a gradual emotional withdrawal from their children, where their involvement is reduced to the bare essentials. Interactions become task-focused and centred mainly on keeping routines on track. In addition, parents may reward and show their children approval and affection only when they display compliant behaviour. At this stage, parents may feel they are simply getting through each day, carefully rationing their remaining energy to cope.  

The third symptom is marked by increasing irritability and feeling ineffective in their role. Once a source of joy and purpose, parenting begins to feel burdensome and emotionally distressing, often accompanied by lingering guilt. They may notice their patience wearing thin, and lose their temper over situations that previously would not have bothered them. 

The final symptom is when parents recognise a painful gap between the parent they are currently, and the one they hoped to be. This stark contrast can cause parents to feel distressed and unworthy. They may assume themselves to be bad parents for not taking pride in raising and nurturing their children.  

Why does parental burnout happen? 

In Singapore, parental burnout often arises due to work-family conflict. In today’s dual-income family, over 63 per cent of Singaporean women and 75 per cent of Singaporean men are in the workforce2. Parents, especially mothers, juggle parenting, family responsibilities and work commitments, and may also face the stress of dealing with conflicting parenting values between husband and wife. In some cases, this situation is aggravated by lack of support where the children’s grandparents have different views about how the children are brought up, adding to the parents’ stress. 

Singapore’s intensive parenting culture perpetuates a “pressure-cooker” attitude towards parenting. Parents often carry high expectations of both themselves and their children, resulting in tremendous pressure at every stage of the child’s life.  

Apart from doing all they can to ensure that their children are healthy and well-adjusted, many parents believe that enrolling them in the best schools, extra tuition and numerous enrichment classes will help them succeed later in life and keep up with their peers. 

Today’s parents may also belong to the “sandwich generation” who need to raise their children whilst caring for their elderly parents. In view of modern societal challenges such as the rapidly ageing population, rising costs of living and healthcare as well as older first-time parenthood, it is not surprising that parents who are main caregivers endure heavier responsibilities. 

What are some practical ways to recover? 

As a parent, your priority is your family, and it is natural for you to want what is best for your loved ones. However, there will be times when you simply can’t give your all. This is completely normal, and there is no reason to feel guilty about it.  

On good days, affirm yourself for having raised your children well. On bad days, remind yourself that these moments do not define your worth as a parent, and instead focus on being grateful for what you appreciate about your children. 

Health experts agree that caring for your own well-being is just as important as caring for your children. By identifying stress triggers, we can cultivate appropriate habits that will help us regain our sense of balance. For instance, if you constantly feel stressed about your children’s misbehaviour, you could try lowering your expectations and allowing them to learn from their mistakes.  

On good days, affirm yourself for having raised your children well. On bad days, remind yourself that these moments do not define your worth as a parent, and instead focus on being grateful for what you appreciate about your children.  

To overcome fatigue, make time to exercise regularly to boost your mood, and schedule breaks with a healthy snack to replenish your energy. Enjoy the moment by setting aside time daily to do small, meaningful things like listening to your favourite music.  

If lack of support is your main challenge, setting boundaries can help. Say “no” when you are stretched too thin and reach out to family and friends for help. For instance, you can arrange a daily time-out where your spouse takes care of your children, while you go out for a 30-minute walk around the neighbourhood.  

Parental burnout is growing in prevalence, yet it is not commonly discussed. By recognising the signs and acknowledging your own experience, you can take steps toward being more present for and loving towards your children.  

If you are already practising self-care but the feelings of helplessness persist, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for further guidance and support. 

How to Talk to Your Child About Sexuality

What Parents Need to Know About Sexuality Education  

Sexuality education helps children understand their bodies, manage emotions, and build healthy relationships. Parents play the most important role. Start early with simple explanations, grow the conversations gradually, and emphasise safety, respect, and family values. Keep discussions calm, honest, age–appropriate, and open so your child feels safe asking questions anytime. 

1. What Is Sexuality Education? 

Sexuality education is the process of teaching children about their bodies, emotions, relationships, boundaries, and safety in age–appropriate ways. It supports their healthy development, helps them recognise unsafe situations, and equips them to make responsible decisions grounded in respect for self and others. 

2. Why Should Parents Talk About Sexuality Early? 

Early conversations reduce fear, confusion, and misinformation by giving children a safe and accurate foundation. When parents initiate open discussions early, children are more likely to trust them, ask questions when unsure, and feel confident navigating changes in puberty, friendship dynamics, and exposure to harmful media. 

Read: When Should I Start Talking To My Child About Sex? 

3. What Should I Tell My Child at Different Ages?     

Ages 7–9: “What should my child know?” 

Give simple explanations about body differences, private parts, and bodily autonomy. Teach “good touch vs bad touch,” safety rules, and how to say “no” to inappropriate behaviour. Reinforce that they can always come to you if something feels wrong. 

View: Conversational Videos for Primary Schoolers 

Ages 10–12: “How do I prepare my tween for puberty?” 

Explain physical and emotional changes, mood shifts, and the meaning of boundaries and respect. Discuss online safety, unhealthy media, and how to manage curiosity. Encourage honest questions without shame. 

View: Conversational Videos for Tweens 

Teens: “What conversations matter most now?” 

Talk openly about identity, relationships, peer pressure, values, and the consequences of decisions. Reinforce respect, self-control, and your family’s beliefs about healthy relationships and commitment. 

4. How Do I Start a Conversation About Sexuality?

Start with everyday moments, such as books, questions, media clips, or real-life situations, then offer simple, honest explanations. Use calm tone, avoid overloading information, and check your child’s understanding. Praise them for asking, and reassure them that no question is “wrong” or embarrassing. 

5. What If My Child Asks an Unexpected or Difficult Question?

Stay calm, thank them for asking, and respond at their developmental level. If you’re unsure, say “Let me think about this and come back to you.” Follow through. Children learn trust when parents are steady, supportive, and available, even when the topic feels tricky. 

6. How Do I Teach My Child About Online Safety and Harmful Content?

Explain that some online content such as sexual images or pornography is not meant for children and can confuse or harm their understanding of healthy relationships.  

Teach them never to keep uncomfortable online experiences secret, and encourage them to talk to you immediately if something feels wrong. 

Read: Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids 

7. How Do We Reinforce Family Values in Sexuality Conversations?

Link facts to your family’s beliefs about respect, commitment, and healthy relationships.  

Share your values gently through stories, examples, or personal reflections. Children absorb values best in a warm environment where guidance is consistent and nonjudgmental. 

Read: What are Values and How Do They Affect Me? 

8. Parent Checklist: What Children Need to Hear

  • You can always talk to me about anything. 
  • Questions are welcome; curiosity is normal. 
  • Healthy relationships involve respect, responsibility, and kindness. 
  • Online content isn’t always safe or true. Come to me if you’re unsure. 

9. Common Questions Parents Ask

  • What if I feel awkward talking about sexuality? 

It’s normal to feel unsure. Start small, keep it factual, and remember that your child benefits more from imperfect conversations than none at all. 

Read: How to Cope with the Awkward Sex Talk 

  • How often should I revisit these topics? 

Make sexuality an ongoing conversation, not a one-off talk. Revisit topics as your child grows, encounters new situations, or shows curiosity. 

  • What if my child gets exposed to sexual content accidentally? 

Stay calm and ask what they saw. Reassure them, correct misunderstandings, and use the moment to teach safety, boundaries, and healthier ways to handle curiosity. 

Read: What to Do if Your Child Stumbles Upon Porn 

10. When Should I Seek Additional Support?

Seek help if your child shows distress, repeated exposure to harmful content, secrecy, or sudden behavioural changes related to sexuality. A counsellor can support you with tailored guidance and coaching. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Teaching Kids About Empathy in an Anti-Empathy Culture

How can I teach my kids empathy? 

Teaching kids empathy starts with modeling emotional awareness, asking open-ended questions about feelings, and guiding them to understand others’ perspectives. Parents can use everyday situations—conversations, books, or conflict moments—to help children recognise emotions and respond with care. Consistency matters more than perfection. 

Our culture de-values empathy. Instead, there’s an emphasis on choosing to feed narcissism and apathy. Because of this, it’s more important than ever to teach our kids about empathy. 

If you’ve ever had difficulty understanding empathy, you’re not alone. In the past few years, empathy has become a dynamic term to mean a variety of things. At the same time, our culture seemingly de-values empathy instead choosing to cultivate narcissism, apathy, or even hatred. Because of this, it’s more important than ever to teach our kids about empathy. 

What is empathy for kids? 

Teaching kids empathy is essential for their emotional and social development. Empathy means being able to understand and share another person’s feelings—both their joys and their struggles. When practiced thoughtfully, empathy allows us to step into someone else’s experience and offer genuine support and understanding. 

Research shows that empathy strengthens relationships, builds trust, and helps children develop resilience and compassion.

Helping kids grow in empathy starts with modeling it ourselves. We can teach them to recognise their own feelings, manage them in healthy ways, and extend that awareness toward others. These skills not only nurture kindness but also equip children to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and care. 

Managing thoughts and feelings 

As a parent, you are your child’s first role model! Whether they are always engaged or not, they watch, listen, and observe your behaviour more than you know. When teaching your kids about empathy, remember that you can model healthy emotional intelligence. 

Help your children learn to manage their internal thoughts and feelings through asking specific questions. Such as: “What are you feeling right now?” or “What makes you feel that way?”  

Remember that your tone and facial expressions often convey more meaning than your words. 

Alongside asking key questions, be sure to include positive, supportive phrases directed towards your kids. Such as: “I’m so sorry” or “Please tell me more” or “I see how that is hard for you.” These phrases help our kids see that we support them and are present with them. 

Aside from asking personal questions and focusing on our kids’ situations, you can use examples such as books, movies, and family members to teach kids about empathy. Use these examples to help your kids practice managing their thoughts and emotions. 

Strategies for teaching kids about empathy

Empathy isn’t something you either have or lack. And it rarely is something that automatically develops without intentionality and love. 

Your parenting strategies matter. The family culture you create matters. Consider these strategies to support your ability to teach your kids about empathy. 

Understand and accept rather than judge 

Teaching kids about empathy does not have to be a guessing game. Show your kids that asking caring questions can be their best friend. When someone expresses intense emotions, it’s okay to ask them to explain the situation or their feelings as much as they’re willing to. 

Instead of staying silent and choosing to judge someone because of their emotional behaviour, show your kids they can take a moment to think through the situation. Teach your kids to ask themselves questions such as: 

  • Why are they feeling this? 
  • How would I feel if I was in their place? 
  • When have I had a similar experience? 
  • What should I not say right now? 

Model, then correct 

Remember, the goal is not to be perfect. Demonstrate that you are continuing to learn and grow just as you want your kids to develop their empathy. Acts of kindness such as serving others or encouraging your kids will help foster a culture of empathy. Model how to appropriately hold back hurtful comments or filter your social media responses. 

Once you’ve established positive moments, then you can help your kids understand disrespectful behaviour. Again, you can use family situations, books, or movies to teach your kids about when others are not empathetic. 

Guide and teach, don’t preach 

When your kids express their emotions or see other people’s emotions, they’re grappling with new ideas and potential vulnerabilities. These moments are critical to developing your child’s empathy, as well as strengthening your relationship with them. 

Avoid lecturing your children on what they should think or feel. Rather, help guide them to unpack their own perspective or point of view. Chances are, your kid might feel confused, scared, or worried. 

So, help your child step into the shoes of their friends. Instead of pointing out emotions that others express, ask your child questions such as: “What did their facial expressions tell you about their feelings?” or “What do you think they’re feeling?”  

Activities to teach kids about empathy 

Create a care centre 

For younger kids, consider creating a Care Centre to keep in your home or their backpack. Dr. Beck Bailey, founder of the program Conscious Discipline, describes a Care Centre as a simple box containing items to demonstrate empathy. These can include tissues, Band-Aids, or a small stuffed animal. Then, when your kids notice a sibling, friend, or parent who might be crying or seems sad, they can use the Care Centre to show empathy.  

Gifting meals to those in need 

When neighbours or family members go through tough situations, sometimes making a meal or treat can help encourage them! As a family, think about who you could bless by baking a batch of cookies or making your favourite meal. Then, as a family, drive or walk to their home and deliver the meal to those people in need. Taking it one step further, motivate your kids to write letters of support and encouragement. 

Volunteer work as a family 

For older kids, getting involved in volunteer work can be an excellent way to teach empathy towards others. Consider your kid’s passions so that they can choose a place to volunteer that they will enjoy. If you’re able, volunteer alongside your kids to show that you support their passions too. 

Despite a growing anti-empathy culture, we still can teach our kids about empathy. Cultivating the life skill of empathy takes time. Continue to commit yourself to guiding your kid towards treating others with kindness, encouragement, and empathy. 

© 2021 Focus on the Family. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com. 

Relationships in an AI-Driven World

At a glance: 

  • Humans are wired for real, embodied relationships, which require time, vulnerability, and discomfort. 
  • AI companions, algorithms, and convenience-based technologies can weaken social skills, distort intimacy, and reshape cultural norms such as marriage. 
  • Overreliance on AI contributes to loneliness, emotional underdevelopment, and unsafe reliance on AI for mental health support. 
  • Families, parents, and communities play a crucial role in modelling healthy relationships, protecting children, and advocating for strong social institutions. 

Human beings are relational by design, it’s part of who we are. That’s why deep, meaningful relationships aren’t merely a human desire; they’re essential to our overall wellbeing and flourishing. To be fully known and fully loved meets the deepest longings of the human heart. 

But real relationships are rarely convenient. They take time, vulnerability, and the willingness to be uncomfortable. They require forgiveness, patience, and presence. In fact, it’s often through the very inconveniences and frictional moments that trust is built and relationships strengthened. Strong relationships are forged in the slow, sometimes messy work of showing up — face to face, heart to heart. 

Today, however, AI is quietly reshaping the way we view, understand, and do relationships. It’s a powerful tool that delivers what we want, how and when we want it. But the question we must ask is: at what cost? 

How is AI shaping human identity?  

  • We are too easily pleased – AI companions are endlessly customisable to our preferences, and AI Chatbots are always available and affirming. Social media platforms, powered by AI algorithms, feed us content that mirrors our interests and personalities. We begin to mistake these digital interactions for genuine connection.

    Over time, this preference for convenience and control leads us to trade embodied presence for digital relationships.

    A 2023 WHO report reveals that one in six people worldwide experiences loneliness, with the highest rates among youths. Locally, a 2024 IPS survey found similar results. Ironically, this coincides with increasing digital connectedness. We are easily pleased by what feels comfortable and convenient, even when it makes us feel more isolated. 
    It is a vicious cycle: the more we depend on AI for connection, the less equipped we become to engage meaningfully with others, and the more we turn to AI. 
  • Loss of social skills – When the desire for real relationships fades, so too do the social skills that make them possible. These uniquely human abilities — constructive empathy, emotional regulation, and cognitive resilience — cannot be developed in isolation or through AI. They require real human interaction.

    As AI becomes more integrated into daily life, children may have fewer opportunities for face-to-face connection than previous generations. Without these experiences, they risk losing the ability to manage emotions, navigate conflict, and work toward reconciliation. For young adults, this can lead to anxiety around in-person interactions, making it harder to form friendships or pursue healthy dating relationships.

    This creates a vicious cycle: the more we depend on AI for connection, the less equipped we become to engage meaningfully with others, and the more we turn to AI. 
  • Accessibility at the cost of safety – AI’s accessibility has its pros and cons. For example, while generative AI tools can simulate empathy, they lack the human ability to discern emotional nuance or assess risk.

    Licensed mental health professionals are trained to detect subtle cues, evaluate self-harm risks, and provide appropriate interventions. AI cannot do this. In some tragic cases, AI chatbots have even “coached” vulnerable users toward suicide. Ethical lapses in AI design can have devastating consequences.

    Technology can be a helpful tool, but it should never replace the wisdom, compassion, and accountability of real human care. 

  • Redefining culture’s understanding of “marriage” – While stories of individuals “marrying” AI avatars may still raise eyebrows and are not yet legally recognised, such acts are increasingly accepted as expressions of self-autonomy in today’s postmodern culture. Yet, as the saying goes, ideas have consequences — and bad ideas have victims.

    AI offers only a piecemeal illusion of intimacy — a shadow of the wholeness found only in the marital union of husband and wife. 

    Marriage serves a purpose far greater than the couple alone. It is a complete, complementary, exclusive, and permanent union between an embodied husband and wife, designed to potentially bring forth new life through a complementary sexual union. 

    AI reduces sex, meant to be a beautiful lifegiving, selfgiving union between husband and wife, to a fruitless, mere selfgratification act with a screen.

    When an expressive, individualistic culture — aided by technology — reduces marriage to mere feelings of attraction alone, we risk losing the only institution that has consistently proven to be the safest environment for children. A strong society must always protect its most vulnerable members — children. 

What can we do about it?  

Just because AI can do many things, does not mean it should. Here are a few suggestions to become more human than ever, in an AI-driven world:  

You can let AI lighten your logistical load: ask it to find a convenient meeting spot or list transport options — then focus your energy on being fully present with others. 

  • Build real connections in person. Don’t neglect meeting family and friends in person. Real relationships require time, intentionality, and the willingness to sit with discomfort. It’s through these moments that trust and resilience are built.

    Make space in your schedule for meaningful connection and shared life with others. And when you need help, seek it from trained, licensed mental health professionals — not from AI.

    You can let AI lighten your logistical load: ask it to find a convenient meeting spot or list transport options — then focus your energy on being fully present with others.

  • Build healthy relationships in children. Parents, with your unique proximity and influence, play a vital role in shaping how children understand and experience real relationships. Dr. Kathy Koch, founder of Celebrate Kids, Inc., identifies five core needs that help children grow in confidence, health, and toward flourishing: 

    Security – Who can I trust? 
    Identity – Who am I? 
    Belonging – Who wants me? 
    Purpose – Why am I alive? 
    Competence – What do I do well? 

    Young children, whose brains are rapidly developing, need to learn about trust and real relationships through human interaction, not artificial ones. Avoid AI toys that simulate companionship. Instead, choose toys that are developmentally appropriate and encourage creativity, problem-solving, and hands-on play. 

    Beyond meeting these five core needs, fathers and mothers also have distinct and complementary roles in parenting. A healthy marital relationship models for children what conflict resolution, communication, and service look like — all essential for forming resilient, thriving human relationships.

    Engage respectfully and thoughtfully in both online and offline discussions. Write forum letters, participate in community dialogues, or join reading groups that help you articulate your convictions with both compassion and truth. 

    When we speak up for what is good and right — with humility and charity — we help shape a culture that values life and real human connections. 

  • Build support for strong marriages and families. Finally, use your voice to advocate for the protection and promotion of the institution of marriage. True human flourishing depends on the strength of our relationships and the welfare of future generations. 

    Engage respectfully and thoughtfully in both online and offline discussions. Write forum letters, participate in community dialogues, or join reading groups that help you articulate your convictions with both compassion and truth.  

    When we speak up for what is good and right — with humility and charity — we help shape a culture that values life and real human connections. 

AI should serve as a mere tool to strengthen our relationships with others, not replace them. When we choose presence over convenience, truth over illusion, and self-sacrificial love over self-interest, we reflect what it truly means to be human — we help our families, and our society, flourish as they were meant to. 

This is Part 2 in a series on Sex & Sexuality in an AI-Driven World. Read Part 1 here. 

3 Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Peer Pressure

Secondary school was the first place where I learnt about peer pressure, both from firsthand experiences and watching others go through it. One valuable lesson not only taught me about dealing with peer pressure but showed me that it was possible to say no and to be a champion and stand up to it. 

We had one phone line in our house in those days — a very different experience than everyone having a mobile phone. We had several phones at home that tied into that single phone line. One afternoon, the phone rang. I was in the back of the house near one phone, while my twin brother Jeff was in the kitchen near the other one. We both picked up the phone at the same moment. 

“Hello?” Jeff said before I could speak, not knowing I was listening on the other line. 

“Hey, Jeff, this is Willie.” 

“What’s up?” Jeff asked. 

“We’re having a sleepover tomorrow night, and we want you to come.” 

“Sounds good.” 

“One more thing,” Willie continued. “The guys and I were talking, and we only want you to come. Don’t bring your brother, John.” 

There was a long pause. 

That’s a lot of pressure for a secondary school student. These weren’t just any guys inviting Jeff over for a sleepover; they were the cool guys. But he was also being pressured to do something that would hurt another person — in this case, his brother. There are many people, siblings or not, who would have given in to the crowd and who would have put their need for acceptance over doing what’s right for someone else. Not everyone would risk being shamed or cut off. 

My heart raced as I listened. Jeff finally spoke. “No way, Willie. If you want me to come, then John is coming too. You get both of us or neither of us.” 

“Uh… Well, okay.” Willie started backtracking like crazy. “It was just going to be kind of crowded. But no problem. He can come too.” 

Years later, I told Jeff that I had been on the other line during that conversation and how much his saying no had meant to me. His decision to stand up to peer pressure was something I’ve never forgotten. 

Kids and peer pressure 

You may have a child who, like Jeff, seems to have been born resistant to peer pressure. Your child is someone who the crowd can try to push all day, but they don’t budge. They have a firm sense of right and wrong, plus a sense of independence that doesn’t seem to care about what the crowd wants. 

However, it’s just as likely that you have the opposite type of child — one more like me. 

Because of their personality, desire to be popular, or a long list of other reasons, these kids can struggle with peer pressure. These kids need to know and learn that they can become peer pressure champions. It just takes a little bit of help and a parent who is willing to work with them. 

Here are three things that can help them deal with peer pressure. 

1. Help your kids learn how to spot peer pressure  

As your child moves into adolescence, they need to see what peer pressure is in real-life situations. You can use a definition of peer pressure that helps kids to understand the reality behind the term, for example: 

“Peer pressure is when someone wants you to move a boundary and cross a line you know you shouldn’t cross. These people do that by pushing you with their words: pressuring you with threats of cutting ties or wearing you down by continually nudging you to do something.”  

The two sides of peer pressure 
Once you’ve shared this definition with your kids, it’s time to narrow it down. Help your child to realise that the time is coming when they will face the two sides of peer pressure: 

        1) “I can’t miss it”, and 

        2) “It’s not going to hurt anyone”. 

The “I can’t miss it” side of peer pressure comes when someone flat out asks your child to erase or ignore a boundary. For instance, they may ask them to take drugs or do something illegal or harmful. Often, when a child says no to this thing they can’t miss, the person pressuring them may move to a sneakier tactic. 

Here is where someone tries to water down the consequences and make it look more attractive. They may say, “Come on. It’s not going to hurt anyone.” Perhaps they’ll use the phrase, “Everyone is doing it.” 

2. Teach your kids how to deal with peer pressure 

Once you’ve shared what peer pressure is, give your kids some tools to use when the challenge is real. Here are four tools that we gave to our kids. We encourage you to sit down with some older parents and determine which things helped their children. Come up with a list of tools for your kids as well. Chances are, you’ll create your own list of tools for your kids to choose from when they need them most.

A. Give your kids permission to make you the bad guy
We permitted our daughters to make us the bad guys anytime they needed to get out of doing something wrong. For example, a friend at school once asked them to go to a party they knew they shouldn’t attend. We always had things on the list for the girls to do, whether it be chores or a family movie night so that they could say in all honesty, “That sounds like you’re going to have a great time. But my parents have something going on that I need to help them with.” It was one option they could use when they needed to say no to peer pressure. 

Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances. 


B. Be their driver 24/7/365. All they have to do is call. 
We told both of our girls that if they ever got into a situation where someone was pushing them to cross a boundary or had made a wrong choice for themselves, that they could call us anytime. 24/7. No questions asked. They knew they had an escape clause from challenging situations, and each of them used it several times. 

We did talk about the circumstances later. But at that moment when the phone rang, and we knew it was a call for help, our daughters knew they wouldn’t hear a lecture right then. We never demanded an explanation or poured shame on them during the car ride home. For example, one instance was the night the girls left a movie and ended up at a party. They knew they needed to leave. They knew we were a phone call — not an angry lecture — away. Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances.

C. Give them a code word if they need help
In addition to knowing that we would come to pick them up anytime, we gave our daughters a code word to use as well. For example, there were days that the phone would ring, and I’d hear, “Hey, Dad.” The tone in their voice made it clear that something was wrong. 

So we’d say to our daughter, “Say blue if you’re having fun or green if you want us to come and get you.” The code word gave them a way of calling for help if they were in a situation where they couldn’t talk openly. 

Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

D. Role play saying “No”
Helping your kids be comfortable with the word “no” before they get into a challenging situation is critical. For some kids, role-playing the three previous steps can help make them more comfortable standing up to peer pressure. Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

3. Coach them on how to live through the response  

You’ve defined peer pressure for your kids and have given them some tools to use when facing that pressure. But it’s also essential that you coach them on how to be ready for the other person’s reaction. 

If someone asks or pushes you to do something you don’t feel is right, if they are a real friend and are wise, they will back off when you’re saying no. Real friends won’t try another track to try and get you to cave in. Instead, they will respect your boundaries and will love and respect you more for calling them out. 

However, if you try and correct someone who refuses to listen, they will often get angry with you. 

Talk with your kids now about how, even if someone gets upset that you won’t go along with their demands, you don’t have to give in to their anger. They can call you as a parent, move away from that person, or get help from another friend or adult. 

If someone keeps pushing your child to do the wrong thing, tell them it’s okay to redefine the relationship. Let them know that it’s okay to still care for that person, but perhaps it’s time to move from being best friends to someone you say hello to at school. Coach your kids that they have a choice not to allow anyone to push them into doing wrong. They always have the option of saying no. 

Becoming a peer pressure champion 

Peer pressure is real. Be sure to talk about dealing with peer pressure early and often, as it will become a reality the older they get. Help your kids spot peer pressure, gain tools to deal with it, and be strong enough to deal with someone’s reaction to their saying no. Mastering these three tips will help your kid become a peer pressure champion. 

© 2020 Focus on the Family and Dr. John Trent. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Published at focusonthefamily.com. 

Identity in an AI-Driven World

Technology profoundly affects how we think about the world and imagine our role in it, both of which shape our sense of self. In an AI-driven world, we wonder if the question of human identity can finally be answered, or if it leaves us more lost than ever.  

What is AI? 

AI is a broad spectrum of technological capabilities that mimics human intelligence in areas such as decision-making and pattern recognition. In this sense, AI isn’t entirely new, and has brought about significant improvements to our way of life. 

However, AI is rapidly gaining dominance in our everyday lives, as its capabilities continue to develop powerfully at a pace ahead of legal and ethical frameworks needed to preserve and protect public good.  

Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

 How is AI shaping human identity?  

Traditionally, a person’s identity is shaped by external structures such as family, religious institutions and social communities. In other words, the human identity is given and learnt by subscribing to a higher authority, and an understanding of the self can only be found in relation to outward-directed activities with others.  

Shifts in worldview have challenged this traditional approach to understanding human identity and the self. In today’s AI-driven, postmodern culture, identity is increasingly seen as something constructed inwardly, based on one’s subjective feelings and desires. Uninhibited self-expression becomes one’s highest goal, with the highest authority being the individual. This is the worldview behind language such as “you do you”, “live your truth”, and “follow your heart”. 

All of us hold multiple identities depending on our culture, community, work, and family; however, our core human identity remains universal. Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

While AI didn’t directly cause this major shift in worldview on identity, its (growing) powerful capabilities has supercharged this trajectory in some areas. 

Confusion 

When we equate our feelings to our identity, we confuse how we are for who we are. With AI’s text-to-image and photo-editing capabilities becoming more realistic, and as its algorithms learn and predict how we use technology, the line between real and virtual is slowly disappearing. As a result, youths today are more vulnerable to embracing alternative identities that are detached from objective reality, with real-world consequences.  

In the last decade, there has been a sudden, unprecedented spike in transgender identification among teenage girls, commonly referred to as “rapid onset gender dysphoria”. Social media platforms, especially those driven by AI recommendations, may have contributed to this rise. Some young people have made life‑changing decisions based on ideas they encountered online, sometimes with lasting consequences.   

In 2024, an independent report from England known as the Cass Review found that the evidence for using puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones in children under 18 was weak, with many unknown long-term effects.  

As more children turn to and depend on under-regulated AI chatbots (such as character.ai) for questions on their identity, there is cause for concern. These chatbots are persuasive and engaging, but they’re also shaped by data and perspectives they were trained on. Like any technology, they can carry biases and blind spots. Without proper safeguards, they may influence vulnerable young people in ways beyond their ability to fully understand.  

AI models are designed and trained to pander to our sexual orientation, inner desires, or subjective feelings as our identity, because their aim is to optimise user interaction rather than give us the truth about who we are. 

Objectification  

Deepfakes are AI-generated media such as images, sounds or videos that are convincingly real – except, they aren’t. At least not entirely. The same accessible tool that has been invaluable in helping restore old photographs and memories, has also been used for malicious ends such as generating deepfake porn.  

There is a troubling global rise in the misuse of children’s images to create deepfake sexual content. Similarly in Singapore, deepfake porn is a growing menace, even in schools. A recent example is the discovery that Grok, the AI bot on social media platform X, had been generating non‑consensual sexually explicit deepfakes involving women and children. 

These apps require no training or specialised skills to utilise, yet provide professional results with just a few clicks and simple prompts. In other words, objectifying another human person for one’s own sexual gratification is now simpler than ever, with AI capabilities.  

History has no lack of examples for the devastating consequences of objectifying fellow humans. Whenever we objectify others, we not only deny them their dignity, we are also rejecting the true worth of our identity. To be fair, this issue of objectification with porn has long existed before AI, but AI has significantly compounded this issue, with women and children suffering the most. 

Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 

What can we do about it?  

With AI, it is tempting to believe that our identity is malleable according to our preferences and desires, and the world is our raw resource for constructing our identity, our way. However, our true identity and worth as humans cannot be found in a particular feeling, sexual orientation, or physical appearance. To hold on to this truth, we must become even more human in an AI world. 

For parents, educators, or adults who care about the identity confusion among our children and want to provide the clarity they deserve, here are a few suggestions: 

  • Use our words thoughtfully and accurately to help them discern what’s real versus what’s not. When we say something is ‘real,’ we mean it is supported by truth e.g. “sex is determined at conception” is scientific truth, not “assigned at birth”. 
  • Invest time to read, learn, and be equipped to lead and influence our children with truth, clarity, and kindness. Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 
  • Model and advocate the right way to use AI – learning to master it instead of being mastered.  
  • Affirm their inherent worth by the way we treat them – choosing to always speak and act with respect.