Resource Type: Articles

When Sex in Marriage Hits a Roadblock

Intimacy serves as the bedrock for a strong marital relationship, yet fostering deeper fulfilment through sexual connection is something that requires mutual effort, understanding and connection between spouses.  

It is not surprising that the ebb and flow of sexual intimacy moves along with us through the changing seasons of life. For a newly married couple, sex may be an exciting journey of discovering our spouse’s wants, needs and boundaries. For a young couple, eager to start a family, sex may look routine and rostered in a bid to “optimise” fertility windows. For couples with young children or a busy work schedule, sex may look like an obligation that clashes with one’s tiredness and fatigue. For a mature couple, it could be a second chance to rekindle the romance when the children have left the nest. For an elderly pair, sex may not be as much prioritised as it was in the earlier married years, as compared to companionship in the latter years.   

Intimacy Roadblocks  

Hence, it is to be expected that our sex life grows and changes as we grow and change. Sex will mean different things to a couple at different stages of their lives.  

Our sex life may also hit some roadblocks along the way, and these could be timely opportunities for us to evaluate our marriage and to identify and talk through the issues involved. Some possible hindrances to bedroom intimacy include:  

  1. Physical Factors  

  • Health issues, medication  
  • Hormonal changes, pre & post pregnancy, menopause, midlife  
  • Changes in sexual function  
  1. Relational Factors 
  • Lack of connection with your spouse  
  • Unresolved conflicts  
  • Poor communication  
  • Trust issues  
  • Not enough privacy 
  1. Emotional Factors 
  • Stress & anxiety  
  • Depression  
  • Sexual or emotional trauma 

A common question that often plagues married couples is the issue of frequency: “How long is too long to go without sex?”  

According to Dr Israel Helfand, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, there is no right number. As it turns out, some have intimacy more often and some less. However, “frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires.” Hence, while many people believe that a healthy marriage requires frequent intimacy, it’s more about the quality and not quantity of intimate moments together.  

In this respect, here are a few ways to work on the quality of our interactions in our married life to improve the quality of interactions in the bedroom.  

Frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires. 

Keep Communications Open

Most couples would rather avoid such frank and awkward conversations around intimacy, but a strong relational foundation fosters an environment where intimacy can thrive. This looks like: engaging in regular conversations about our sexual desires and needs, and communicating with our spouse when we are going through stressful seasons, such as a demanding job project or parenting challenges, as these can significantly impact desire.  

Based on my experience, even a small change, like setting aside 15 minutes at the end of the day to talk, can alleviate stress and improve closeness. For example, during busier child-raising periods in our lives, my husband and I communicated our needs and adjusted our expectations, finding that our connection deepened even when physical intimacy was less frequent. 

Build Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the precursor to physical intimacy. Creating time for meaningful interactions, such as date nights or shared hobbies, reinforce the emotional connection. As a couple, carving out time for shared moments, whether through a quiet dinner or a simple walk, has enhanced our appreciation of each other, enriching our physical intimacy as a natural extension of our closeness. Introducing novelty, such as new activities, hobbies, or travel, can also increase romantic and sexual interest in each other.

According to Dr Jared Tan, Clinical Psychologist & Couples Therapist at Focus on the Family Singapore, moments of emotional connection may fail if one has offended one’s partner.

“In that case, engaging in relational repair through taking responsibility for one’s offences, providing a heartfelt apology, being accountable by making good what was lost, and asking for forgiveness can facilitate emotional and decisional processes that restore a relationship. For huge offences that you are unable to resolve on your own, you may need to seek professional support,” he said.

Maintain Physical Affection

Maintaining regular physical affection beyond just sex, like cuddling and touching, is important. Physical touch is an important aspect of nurturing intimacy. Non-sexual physical affection, such as hugging, holding hands, or cuddling, can maintain a sense of physical closeness and comfort, leading to enhanced sexual intimacy.

Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and openness with your spouse cultivates a secure environment where both spouses can express vulnerability. 

Build Trust 

Trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and openness with your spouse cultivates a secure environment where both spouses can express vulnerability.  

Trust grows through consistent actions and by keeping promises in real life, while unresolved conflict can serve as a barrier to intimacy. Over time, resentment and tensions can seep into our receptiveness towards intimacy if nagging issues are not resolved honestly. We need to take time to work on any relationship cracks that undermine our closeness and connection as husband and wife. 

Seek Professional Help 

Sometimes, we all need some extra help to sort out relationship kinks. My husband and I have benefitted from numerous marriage retreats and marriage enhancement courses that have helped us spend special time as a couple while enhancing different aspects of our married life. 

For those experiencing heightened conflict or recurring issues, seeking marriage counselling or external help from a doctor or a therapist can be beneficial. Wellbeing factors, such as one’s physical or mental health, can often go unnoticed. A friend’s spouse once encountered medication side effects that impacted their intimacy. Understanding this allowed them to seek prompt medical advice and find alternative solutions. 

By seeking counselling and therapy, couples can enhance their relationship dynamics, which in turn strengthens their bonds of intimacy and love. It’s all about creating a nurturing environment where both spouses feel valued, understood, and connected, allowing intimacy to flourish naturally. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!   

4 conflict resolution skills that will fireproof your marriage

Conflict in any relationship is common and inevitable; yet it can be one of the trickiest things to handle. Conflicts can either make or break a relationship, especially in marriage. Learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy manner is essential for safeguarding a marriage and building strong, lasting bonds.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, has found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, as it erodes the foundation of respect and affection necessary for a healthy marriage. It’s the repeated inability to heal and repair from conflicts that grows resentment in one’s heart, eventually leading to contempt for your spouse. 

So… What can we do when the conflicts seem insurmountable? Here are some practical tips and handles from Rhezya and Edward, a couple who has only been married for seven years but have been intentional in not allowing their conflicts to get the better of them. 

These differences are a part of the person we chose to marry, and we need to learn to accept the person entirely, and see that these differences complement the marriage. 

1. Be one team

One of the terms Rheyza and Edward frequently used was “one team”, describing how they are on the same team even during a conflict. This mindset helped them remember that their ultimate goal was to strengthen their relationship, not to win an argument. In the words of Rheyza, “We need to be a team and if we don’t communicate, if we don’t try to find a win-win between the two of us, how else can we face other challenges together?”

It is essential for both spouses to acknowledge that differences will arise in a marriage and will cause friction. After all, each person has unique upbringings, personalities, and perspectives. Embracing these differences is crucial for a healthy marriage. 

These differences are a part of the person we chose to marry, and we need to learn to accept the person entirely, and see that these differences complement the marriage. By embracing them, we can see how they bring unique strengths and perspectives to the relationship, ultimately making the marriage more balanced and complete. 

2. Listen to understand, speak to clarify

During a conflict, we are always eager to get our point across (sometimes in a bid to prove ourselves right). Words fly faster than we can think and process. Taking time to slow down, listen, and process what the other party is actually saying requires intentional effort.  

I once heard a quote, “Listen to respond, not react,” that resonated very well with me, especially during a conflict with my husband. Often, we do not give each other enough space to fully convey what’s on our minds. We are quick to think of a reply to counter what was shared. Over time, we may lose the essence of what we are even fighting over. 

Edward said that in times like these, our emotions can take over, and he “tries really hard to be mindful and not generalise when angry or upset.”  

One point highlighted in Rhezya and Edward’s sharing was how they were intentional in asking clarifying questions instead of assuming what each other was trying to say. “When he asks me questions, he’s not against me. It’s not an attacking question; it’s a clarifying question,” said Rhezya. This approach gave them the space to explain more, allowing them to understand where each other was coming from. This approach also helped to disarm any threat the other spouse might feel amid the conversation. 

This paved the way in resolving the root cause of their conflict and helped them grow closer as a couple. When practised consistently, active listening can help couples grow in their intimacy with each other. 

When we allow each other to express themselves genuinely, withholding critical judgment, we give ourselves the space to be vulnerable.

3. Create a safe space

Edward mentioned that creating a safe space for his spouse to share was an important realisation, where “creating that safety, that space and being consistent [is key]”.  One of the fundamental building blocks of a strong marriage is trust, and marriage thrives on a strong foundation of trust. One of the main ways to build and keep trust is by creating a safe space for each other. 

Rheyza says the key to building that trust and openness is to bring up her thoughts and points… and for Edward to trust that these are not to attack him.

Sharing vulnerably prevents walls from building up in a marriage, as Rheyza adds that “if [I] don’t bring this up, we are not going to grow together and it might even drive us apart.” When we allow each other to express themselves genuinely, withholding critical judgment, we give ourselves the space to be vulnerable. 

We are only vulnerable with the people we trust because we know they won’t use our sharing against us. Our hearts matter, and we don’t want to expose them to people who might not handle them with care. 

Similarly, when we want to confront an issue in our marriage, we need to create a safe space so that we allow each other to share freely. However, tension arises when what is shared does not sit comfortably with us, be it our spouse’s feelings or what they are bothered by. Our ability to hold this tension will affect the depth of trust we build in each other and in the relationship.

Kindness during a conflict can look like extending forgiveness and grace to each other, encouraging each other that we are all on a learning journey.

4. Extend forgiveness and grace to each other

Kindness is a familiar value that our parents inculcate in us from a young age; we should already know how to be kind to others as adults. The irony is that we do not extend the same kindness to people who are most familiar to us. For example, we can be kind to our friends but struggle to show the same kindness to our parents.

As we grow closer to our spouse in our marriage, it can be easy to take them for granted, and forget to consistently extend kindness to each other.

Kindness during a conflict can look like extending forgiveness and grace to each other, encouraging each other that we are all on a learning journey. In the words of Edward, “Seek first to understand and then seek to respond. But when you do so, respond kindly.”

Kindness is an expression of love, especially during a conflict. It shows that we prize the person over the matter. Edward quipped, “Kindness is underrated, people do not understand how important it is even in in familiar relationships… we forget to be kind to ourselves and to each other.” When we take time to work on our conflict resolution skills, we will be able to taste the sweet fruits of our marriage down the road. We enjoy intimacy at a deeper level, and our marriage becomes our unshakable fortress.

10 Strategies to Help Our Children Navigate a “BANI” World

In recent years, we have witnessed a series of challenges that test our resilience:  

Regional wars.  

Deepfakes and DeepSeek.  

World leaderships changing hands at breakneck speed.  

Climate and man-made disasters popping up both in frequency and volume as quickly as a game of whack-a-mole. 

While many are familiar with the concept of a VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) world, some experts now suggest that our reality is better described as a BANI world. (Fun fact: VUCA was actually coined as far back as 1987 by the US Army War College, so I’m sure you’ll agree it’s nothing new) 

BANI stands for Brittle, Anxious, Non-Linear and Incomprehensible.  

This is an acronym created in 2018 by American futurist and writer Jamias Cascio to help update the vocabulary we need to describe this world we now live in. 

In a BANI world, what appears strong may in fact be fragile. The foundations we assume are unshakable can be surprisingly vulnerable. 

Understanding the BANI World 

Drawn from an article found in Forbes, below is a quick introduction to this description of our world: 

Brittle – The Illusion of Strength  

In a BANI world, what appears strong may in fact be fragile. The foundations we assume are unshakable can be surprisingly vulnerable—whether that be our public health or financial systems, geopolitical stability, and job security. It is illusory strength, the belief that “everything will be alright” and the assumption that everything we build our life on is secure, except that they aren’t.  

Anxious – The Illusion of Control  

Anxiety refers to a feeling of helplessness, of being overwhelmed by everything that one faces. It comes with stress and a fear of not being able to cope with what’s constantly happening in the world. We will never really know what will come, making it hard or impossible to make the “right” decisions free of risks. 

Non-linear – The Illusion of Predictability  

Life rarely follows a straight path. Instead, we encounter detours, dead ends, and unexpected outcomes along the way. Embracing this non-linearity enables us to become more adaptable and resourceful when confronted with change. 

Incomprehensible – The Illusion of Knowledge  

Finally, incomprehensible refers to people’s experience that they don’t understand what is going on. They can’t oversee it, can’t grasp it, can’t interpret what happens, and why. This means they can’t find the answers they are looking for and, as far as they do get answers, they can’t fully make sense of them either. Accepting that not everything in life can be neatly explained is liberating, prompting us to seek new perspectives and learn continuously. 

We would be bubble-wrapping our kids if we told them that life would be relatively pain-free, or that it could be carefully curated to fit our needs and lifestyles. 

Helping Our Children Thrive in a BANI World 

As parents, we need to prepare our kids for a reality that can be unpredictable and difficult to control. We would be bubble-wrapping our kids if we told them that life would be relatively pain-free, or that it could be carefully curated to fit our needs and lifestyles the way social media may appear to on the surface. 

Even the mundane events we plan for them daily, like attending classes or weekend enrichments, cannot entirely shield them from unexpected challenges. So, what can we do as parents to help our children thrive in a BANI world? 

Here are ten practical strategies: 

1. Foster Resilience

Since the world is brittle and full of unexpected changes, we need to equip our children with mental resilience. Encourage them to see failures as learning opportunities rather than setbacks. Teaching problem-solving skills and fostering a growth mindset can help them handle disappointments and uncertainties better. 

2. Teach Emotional Regulation

Anxiety is a natural response in a world that seems out of control. Help your children develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and journaling can be useful tools to manage stress and anxiety effectively.

3. Encourage Adaptability

Given that the world is non-linear, it’s important to teach children to embrace flexibility. Encourage them to be open to change and adaptable in the face of unexpected events. Knowing how to pivot when things don’t go as planned is a valuable life skill. 

4. Promote Critical Thinking

Incomprehensibility means that not everything is clear-cut or straightforward. Teach your kids to question information critically, verify sources, and develop the ability to analyse complex situations. This will help them make sense of the world even when things seem chaotic. 

5. Provide Stability at Home

While we cannot control external factors, we can create a sense of security at home. Establishing routines, setting clear expectations, and providing a supportive environment can help children feel safe and grounded despite the world’s uncertainties. 

6. Encourage Lifelong Learning

Since knowledge is constantly evolving, children need to develop a love for learning. Teach them that education doesn’t stop at school—it’s a lifelong process. Introduce them to new ideas, skills, and perspectives that will help them stay adaptable and informed. 

7. Model Resilience and Adaptability

Children learn best by observing their parents. Show them through your actions how to cope with challenges, remain calm in difficult situations, and bounce back from adversity. Your example will be more powerful than any lecture.

8. Develop Strong Community Ties

In a volatile world, a strong support system is crucial. Encourage children to build meaningful relationships with family, friends, and mentors who can guide and support them in times of uncertainty.

9. Limit Exposure to Negative Media

While staying informed is important, excessive exposure to negative news can increase anxiety. Teach children how to filter information, recognise when their emotions get triggered, and focus on constructive and solution-based narratives. Better yet, have family conversations on how we might do our part in addressing some of these societal challenges

10. Encourage Purpose and Meaning

Finally, children need to have a sense of purpose. Help them find passions and causes that inspire them. Having a strong “why” can anchor them in times of uncertainty and provide motivation to keep moving forward. 

Our children don’t need parents who have all the answers—they need parents who are committed to grow with them.

While the world may feel brittle, anxious, non-linear, and incomprehensible, we are not powerless. As we reflect on these strategies, it’s important to acknowledge that parenting in a BANI world is no simple feat. The realities we face are complex, and while the principles outlined here may serve as guidelines, their application will look different for every family. 

But if there’s one thing to take away, it’s this: you don’t have to get everything right. Our children don’t need parents who have all the answers—they need parents who are committed to grow with them. The goal isn’t perfection, but rather—with love, wisdom, and intentional effort, we can raise resilient, adaptable children who are prepared to face the future head-on.  

When Should I Start Talking to My Child About Sex?

Talking to Your Child About Sex: A Guide for Parents 

Discussing sex with your child can feel awkward and daunting, but it’s an essential part of their development. We recommend approaching the topic early, when your child is around the age of four or five, as we set the tone by being their first source of information in this important area of life.  

Furthermore, by starting young, our kids generally don’t feel as awkward about the topic, as they would be more curious and open to listening to what you have to say. Broaching the subject in teenhood is another matter altogether, as the teen awkwardness would have usually started, and they may have already heard things from their friends.  

By applying openness and honesty, you can help your child understand their bodies, relationships, and boundaries that can help keep them safe.  

Here’s a guide to help you navigate these conversations with ease. 

Preschool years (4-6 Years)  

Laying the Foundation

At this age, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls. Use simple, accurate language to answer their questions.  

For example, if your child asks where babies come from, you can say, “Babies grow in a special place inside their mommy’s tummy called the uterus.” Or they may ask: “Why are boys and girls’ bodies different? 

Emphasise the importance of privacy and having safe boundaries for themselves. For example, what is good versus bad touch? This will help us set up safeguards against sexual abuse. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)   

Building on Basics 

As children grow, their questions may become more detailed. Continue to provide accurate information and encourage open communication. You can introduce the concept of puberty and explain that their bodies will go through changes as they grow older. For example, you might say, “During puberty, your body will start to change, and you’ll notice things like hair growing in new places and your voice getting deeper.” 

Check out our Talk About Sex video on What is Puberty? It’s designed for parent-and-child to view together.  

Tween years (10-12 years)   

Preparing for Puberty

By this age, children are likely to have heard some information about sex from friends, media, or school. It’s crucial to provide them with accurate information and address any misconceptions. Start by discussing what makes a healthy relationship, and what red flags to watch out for.  

Also, help your tween understand why porn is unhealthy for them, and why it can be so addictive. 

General Tips for All Ages 

  1. Be approachable: Let your child know they can come to you with any questions or concerns. 
  2. Use age-appropriate language: Tailor your explanations to your child’s level of understanding. 
  3. Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for your child to express their thoughts and feelings. 
  4. Be honest: Provide accurate information and correct any misconceptions. 
  5. Respect their privacy: Allow your child to ask questions and share their thoughts without judgment. 

Remember, talking to our children about sex is an ongoing conversation. Starting young helps us lay a good foundation for more conversations and trickier topics.  

By being open, honest, and supportive, we are their best guides to help them navigate this area of their development with confidence. 

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

The Lessons I Learnt From My Parents’ Broken Marriage

For *Anne’s family, things are not always what they seem.

Her parents have been married for over 30 years. When they go out, they still hold hands. 

From an outsider’s perspective, things look well. But Anne knew that this was all a facade when things between her parents took a turn for the worst two years ago. That was when her father’s affair came to light.

“My father is an easily-angered person, so Mum has learnt over the years that the less we tell Dad the better,” Anne described.

Recounting her growing up years, Anne thought that while hers wasn’t an exceptionally close family, it wasn’t all that bad. There was food on the table. She could still confide in Mum when she needed to.

In her own words, “This is the only family I know. My other close friend back then also came from a pretty broken family, where there was even violence and abuse. So relative to her situation, I thought we were actually not doing too badly.”

But there were telltale signs. When she discovered her brother’s stash of porn magazines and promptly told her mother, her mother all but brushed it aside as a “teenage boy thing.”

Then there was the alcohol. When Anne was a teen, she remembered her dad purchasing alcohol by the crate; sometimes the bottles of wine and whisky would be emptied within a week.

Instead of fond memories shared with Dad, she recalled the times when he would be a wet blanket whenever she was having fun with her siblings.

Because my mum just let him be, there was no feedback at all given to my dad… So, in a way, there was no avenue for him to learn alternate ways of parenting us.

The Years of Indifference

Since Anne was a young child, she has never once witnessed her mother stepping in to ease the tension or offer alternative solutions whenever her father disciplined them harshly.  

“Because my mum just let him be, there was no feedback at all given to my dad – even when the discipline was way harsher than the “crime” that we did as children. So, in a way, there was no avenue for him to learn alternate ways of parenting us,” she said wistfully while also drawing comparisons with how she’s learning how to parent her two young children.

Perhaps it was this indifference, this letting him be, that led to even bigger mistakes, like the affair that was discovered just two years ago. 

Even after the affair discovery, Anne’s mother could not fully come to terms with what had happened, at times oscillating between denial and dissociation, at times also ruminating over what could have been. 

When Anne asked her how she felt, she often could not answer. Although her mum appears calm on the surface, Anne knows that it isn’t a complete reflection of what’s going on within.

I feel completely secure with my husband, and he is very different from my dad. These factors alone give me great assurance, but I would say it’s also due to our shared faith and values.

The Lessons Learnt From Brokenness

Since young, Anne felt that she was wired slightly differently from her family members. Never one to shy away from airing her true feelings, she believes honesty and open communication are key success factors in her marriage.

From her parents’ experience, she’s also learnt that feedback is often necessary, in order for change to take place.

“I value being able to say how we feel, especially when it hurts,” Anne explained. “Sweeping it under the carpet will not magically make it go away.”

At the same time, she and her husband of seven years will try to cool down and approach the other party when the time is right – usually when both parties are feeling calm.  

When asked if she harbours any fears of infidelity or communication breakdowns in her own marriage, she replied with a firm and resolute “no”.  

She elaborated, “I feel completely secure with my husband, and he is very different from my dad. Our shared faith and values provide me with a great sense of assurance.”

On Parenting and Looking Ahead

Today, Anne is a stay-home mum who tries her best to be a safe harbour for her children. She often turns to parenting accounts on Instagram for parenting tips and regularly reads articles on how to be a better and more intentional parent to her kids.

Together with her husband, she works to build a home where her children feel accepted for who they are.

Anne articulated, “I’m not looking to be a perfect parent but I do try to emulate and reflect God’s patience and joy to my kids. I hope my children know that we are here to support them. I hope they know that when I say ‘no’, I don’t mean to kill their joy. At the same time, I hope to say an exuberant ‘yes’ to them often.

“As for my parents, I hope they will one day be able to be honest with themselves about how they feel and think and also experience the freedom of giving and receiving forgiveness in light of the betrayal.”  

*Pseudonyms have been used to protect the identity of the interviewees. 

Coming up from 16-19 May 2026 (Sat-Tue), Connect2 Marriage Getaway is an all-inclusive overseas residential 4D3N experience designed for couples to step away from the busyness of daily life and strengthen their marriage. Learn more and register at www.family.org.sg/MarriageGetaway 

Learning the Value of “Yes” and “No”

Tween years (10-12) 

One of the best gifts we can give our kids is the belief that their voice matters. Another is the belief that everyone matters.  

When we teach our children to say “no” or to express what they want even if they feel unsure or intimidated, we are helping them grow into people who can say “yes” and “no”. It also helps them respect another person’s “yes” or “no” accordingly.  

Be age appropriate – As we teach them about body autonomy, run through a range of interactions and role-play on how they can stand by their “no”, for example, “I already said no. I am calling the teacher”. Help them learn to articulate what they feel with a firm voice and assertive body language, through different scenarios.   

These can include examples like if a boy in your class tries to hold your hand, if a girl wants to hug you for a long time, or if a classmate calls you his girlfriend.  

Help them process their thoughts – Who would I allow to do these? What does it mean for me and for the other party if I agree to it? What if I am okay with it for a while but then feel uncomfortable?   

Many tweens at this age start to feel the first stirrings of romantic attraction, so do have talks about the place of physical intimacy within a committed relationship. Rather than being overly uptight or stern, adopt a laid-back, natural approach to normalise talks about such topics. 

Check out our video series for practical handles on how to have such conversations! 

We should emphasise that every person matters and that is why we should always respect someone’s “no”, even if it is against what you prefer. We can also teach our kids to honour others – that is, to see them as valuable and to be treated with respect.  This helps to mitigate any future scenarios where our child may feel like it is okay to go against another person’s wishes for their own pleasure. 

Teen years (13-15)  

Emerging years (16-19)  

As your kid grows older, emphasise that they can say “no” even if they have said “yes” earlier to something. For example, if they said “yes” to going to someone’s house but they felt uncomfortable as their friend started to show them inappropriate videos, they have every right to say “no, I am going home now” and do it.  

The talk about consent must happen with both our sons and daughters and if possible, involve both Dad and Mum since both have unique perspectives and our teens may want to ask different questions to either. 

We should also highlight that sex and physical intimacy with someone is meant to be special and consensual. Consent, however, should not be the only consideration, because sex is more than just a physical act. There are also emotional, psychological and relational dimensions to consider. Because of the power of sex to bind two people together emotionally, and to create new life, it is best to reserve it for marriage. 

With your older teenagers who are in relationships, you may also want to talk through physical boundaries and discuss what they can do if those boundaries are threatened. 

Some teens may find sexual boundaries within relationships to be a grey area with the idea that “since 
we are in a relationship, these are the things we do”. Help them realise that stereotypical expectations 
for physical touch do not need to apply to their relationship, and talk through with them on how they 
can communicate their preferences. 

Questions to help them process all these could be “If you are going over to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s 
house when there is no one else there, do you think he or she may assume you are open to sexual contact?”, “What would you do if you are kissing and they want to go further?” “Do you find it difficult 
to express how you feel if it’s contrary to what your partner wants?” 

While our children are starting to become young adults, they are never too old for a loving parent’s listening ear and our regular reminders of their value and worth. It is important that we hold a nothing-is-taboo approach to conversations with our teens and to be a safe place. We do so when we empathise with the struggles that they might face in learning right and wrong regarding sexuality, and are still growing in their decision-making.  

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Thriving in your First Year of Motherhood

Nothing quite prepares you for the first year of motherhood. It’s an exhilarating journey filled with highs, but the heightened emotions can also make the lows hit harder. It’s not just your baby who is reaching milestones—you are too! However, unlike your little one, your achievements often come with less fanfare as you navigate countless “firsts.” 

With so much focus on caring for your baby, it’s easy to neglect yourself. But prioritising self-care is essential— for your well-being and your ability to grow stronger as a mother. With the right support and mindset, you don’t have to just survive the first year of motherhood, but thrive!  

Mental Wellbeing Support

1. Overcoming Mum Guilt 

Counsellor Elaine Chow from the Breastfeeding Mothers Support Group (BMSG), a mother of four, understands firsthand the challenges new mums face. After the birth of her fourth child, she experienced postpartum anxiety and depression. 

“Mums find it very hard to accept giving themselves priority and importance because everybody looks at the baby and nobody is looking at the mother,” said Elaine. She pointed out that, on top of baby care, many mothers also feel pressure to keep up with household chores and care for the other family members. 

The overwhelming need to “do it all, to know it all, to do it perfectly, to do it correctly” often leads new mums to experience guilt. This “mum guilt” can be incredibly detrimental, affecting self-care—whether it’s taking the time to eat and rest, asking for help, or simply recognising one’s contributions to the family. 

“You have to believe and remember that you are important,” Elaine emphasised. 

Well-meaning but unsolicited advice can chip away at a mother’s confidence… be more mindful when offering advice to a new mother. 

2. Navigating unsolicited advice 

Social interactions can be either uplifting or discouraging for new mothers. Well-meaning but unsolicited advice can chip away at a mother’s confidence.  

“I remember one time when I was out with my baby in the mall, I was buying something at the supermarket, and I had my other young kids with me—one in each hand and the baby in the carrier. The cashier said to me, ‘Hey, your baby is very cute.’ I said, ‘Thank you.’ Then she added, ‘Didn’t wear socks—very cold, you know?’ At that moment, that was not my priority. Of course, she was well-meaning, but these are the things that chip away at a mother’s confidence.” 

A new mum, already feeling vulnerable, might take such remarks more personally, especially if she is questioning herself or feeling isolated by the repetitive nature of baby care in the child’s first year. That’s why Elaine advocates for family members and friends to be more mindful when offering advice to a new mother. 

“Affirm the mother. Always say, ‘Good job. You’re doing great. Your baby is so cute. Your baby is healthy.’ Don’t say things like ‘Why so fat? Why so skinny? Why never wear enough clothes? Why wear such long sleeves?’” 

3. Small Gestures make a Big Difference   

Beyond words, small acts of kindness can be incredibly encouraging to new mums. Whether it’s holding a door open, helping a multi-tasking mum at the mall carry her baby bag, or buying a snack for a neighbour’s kids, these gestures remind mothers that they’re not alone. 

If both parents are on the same page, the husband can offer support in more effective ways… allowing the mother to express her struggles without feeling dismissed, ultimately strengthening their marriage. 

Breastfeeding Support

4. Preparations for breastfeeding 

The decision to breastfeed can be a significant one, and preparation can help alleviate stress. Elaine, who breastfed all four of her children, recommends attending a breastfeeding course before the baby arrives. Organisations like BMSG offer these courses to help parents understand the technical aspects of breastfeeding. 

“Being prepared is half the battle won,” she said. Education helps mothers recognise normal breastfeeding patterns—such as cluster feeding, which is sometimes mistaken for low milk supply—as well as potential challenges like poor latching or congenital conditions like tongue-tie.

5. Aligning as a Couple

Having a clear breastfeeding plan can also help new mums and their husbands stay aligned, especially when faced with challenges or opposing perspectives from family members. 

“For example, there was a mum friend of mine… when she was struggling with breastfeeding and had to pump, she would tell her husband, ‘So tiring to pump…’ and the husband, trying to be helpful, said, ‘Then this feed, don’t pump. Why don’t you just give formula?’” shared Elaine. 

In such situations, if both parents are on the same page, the husband can offer support in more effective ways—like preparing the pump or encouraging his wife not to give up. This allows the mother to express her struggles without feeling dismissed, ultimately strengthening their marriage. 

6. The Importance of Support 

When support is lacking, new mothers can feel isolated in their journey. “It can really cause stress for the mum because she feels that she is alone in the journey. Nobody understands the difficulty. Nobody understands why this is so important to her,” said Elaine. 

At the end of the day, whether a mother chooses to breastfeed or not is a deeply personal decision. What matters most is that she feels supported. “You can love your child no matter how you feed them,” Elaine emphasised. 

Loving yourself well and caring for your child with confidence will set both of you up for success in the long haul of motherhood. 

How Doing Chores Can Save Your Marriage

My wife, Erin, and I have been married for more than 22 years, and we’ve had our fair share of struggles with dividing household chores. One evening as I walked into the kitchen, I entered into complete chaos. Erin was making dinner, two of our children were arguing, the TV was blaring, and someone’s homework was scattered over the counter and floor. Noticing the ticking bomb, I uttered four words that changed my life: “How can I help?” 

That phrase sounds positive, right? I thought my offer would epitomise my loving-husband nature. But I quickly realised that I was creating a rift in my marriage. The evidence was in Erin’s response: “You’re an adult. See what needs to be done… jump in and do it!” 

I thought, I can’t believe she snapped at me after I offered to lend a hand. And that’s when I realised that my offer to “help” implied that Erin was responsible for the work. That night, I asked for forgiveness. I reassured Erin that I knew we were teammates, and I was also 100 percent responsible for the care and maintenance of our home and children. 

Take initiative in serving your spouse  

That night, I learnt that the biggest need Erin had was for me to take initiative. My need, however, was to have some downtime as a family each night. I didn’t want our home to represent only “work.” The solution was simple: By jumping in and doing whatever needed to be done, I could not only serve my wife, but also make sure the work got done quickly so that we could relax together. 

How  you share chores in marriage and household responsibilities is just as important as the ultimate solutions you come up with. When you share the chores with a teammate mentality and when your goal is to out-serve each other, you can bring an end to the chore wars in your home. 

Married … with household chores 

It’s Saturday morning, and you’d rather stay in bed than tackle all those household chores. First, there’s the pile of dirty jeans and smelly socks in front of the washing machine. And what about the bathroom? When was the last time the sink sparkled? What about the carpet? When did it grow hair? 

Let’s be honest: Nobody likes chores. But how badly do married couples hate housecleaning? The referral site, Yelp.com, asked couples which household chores they hate most and what they’d be willing to give up if it meant they’d never have to clean house again. The answers might surprise you!

The worst household chores

Almost 80% of couples said they have disagreements about chores. The top three disagreements include: who does the chores, when to do them and how to complete them. These are the chores couples argue about most: 

  • Washing dishes/Cleaning the kitchen 
  • Laundry 
  • Cleaning the bathroom 
  • Sweeping/Vacuuming 
  • Grocery shopping/Meal prep 

When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters. 

Chores in Your Marriage: Maybe there’s a better way? 

Working together makes a difference. Sharing household chores can become a new way to connect as a couple. Whether it’s doing basic house cleaning duties like washing dishes or folding laundry, you can use the time to talk, catch up with each other or spend time in each other’s company. And, research confirms that couples who share chores report higher levels of marital and sexual satisfaction. 

Sharing workloads and working side by side with your spouse tells them they are not alone. When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters. 

Make Your Bed, Save Your Marriage 

Picture this: It’s a bright, sunny morning. You roll out of bed and into your most comfy slippers. You lovingly glance across the rumpled duvet at your spouse standing on the other side of the bed, and then you joyfully make the bed together. … What an awful image! 

I don’t care that a clean sleep environment is good for my health. It doesn’t matter that Sept. 11 is National Make Your Bed Day or that my mother would cringe if she knew I still don’t straighten the sheets every morning. The bottom line: I hate making our bed. 

Many people don’t make their bed in the morning because they’re late and rushing out the door. That’s not me. I like margin in the morning so I’m typically not frantic. I can’t use that as an excuse. Simply put, I like to get into a messy bed. 

My selfishness

My wife, Erin, doesn’t see our unmade bed the same way that I do, so a morning disagreement often ensues. Yes, we’ve had this argument many times throughout our 24 years of marriage. I’ve tried to convince her that unless she’s conducting tours of our bedroom while I’m away, no one will know that the bed is unmade. I’ve tried arguing: “I’m just going to get back in it tonight. What’s the point?”  

The other day I was lamenting to Erin — for the thousandth time — why making the bed is absolutely the dumbest waste of time, when it hit me: My resistance had become utterly selfish. So I started making the bed. 

Encouraging mutual service through chores in your marriage 

Sacrifice is giving up something that you possess that’s valuable to you (e.g., your time, money, comfort, desire, etc.) for the sake of someone you consider to be of greater value. Serving — helping out or assisting — is often easy. But when serving Erin costs me something, it’s a whole different story. 

Thus, from a place of valuing my wife, I told her that making our bed was now my job. I don’t want to feel selfish every time I watch Erin making the bed. I’m far from being a perfect husband and I still hate making the bed, but I love sacrificing for my wife. 

Researchers have found that couples willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems. This sacrificial love predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship. 

© 2014, 2024 Focus on the Family. Used with permission. 

Are Shared Values Important in Marriage?

A home renovation often involves critical pillars that must remain intact, as they provide essential support for the entire structure. Similarly, your marriage requires certain foundational pillars to strengthen its foundation, enabling it to thrive and withstand life’s challenges.   

One of the key pillars of a healthy marriage is shared values – the beliefs and principles that guide your relationship. Examples include honesty, forgiveness, stewardship, open communication, faith, and growth, among others. 

Why are shared values important?

Shared values contribute significantly to the long-term health and success of your relationship. They foster a sense of purpose and direction, enabling you to navigate life’s ups and downs together. 

  1. Simplified decision-making 
    When your values align, decision-making becomes much easier. Consider Jen and John, who are planning an overseas family vacation. Jen desires an exotic getaway, while John wants a more budget-friendly trip. Instead of engaging in a power struggle, they turn to their shared value of financial stewardship. By prioritising this value, they are able to adjust their expectations and choose a vacation that meets both their needs, without compromising their core principles.  
  2. Strengthened emotional connection 
    Grounding your relationship on a set of shared core values enhances emotional intimacy. When you are aligned in your beliefs, a sense of closeness and unity naturally follows.  For example, if you both share a strong value of open communication, make it a point to check in with each other every night about each other’s day. This simple practice strengthens your emotional connection, helping you feel heard and understood, even on the busiest days.
  3. Resilience through tough times 
    Shared values offer a strong framework to cope with setbacks and challenges. In difficult times, they provide the resilience and strength to navigate external stressors, helping you face adversity together with purpose and determination.  

    For example, if you run a business with your spouse and you are facing a tough financial period, leaning on your shared values of perseverance and teamwork will ensure that instead of blaming each other, you work together to find solutions, emerging stronger as a couple through this trial.  

It’s important to revisit your shared values throughout your marriage. Shared values are not set in stone; they evolve with time and experience. 

How can couples develop shared values? 

  1. Engage in regular conversations about important values – Invest time in discussing your values with each other. Having these conversations before marriage is common in premarital courses, but it’s equally important to revisit them throughout your marriage. Shared values are not set in stone; they evolve with time and experience. If you haven’t yet identified your core values, take time to discuss them.  This practice can look as simple as sitting down together at the end of each year to review your life goals and reflect on any changes in your values since the past year. It will keep you on the same page as your spouse, and helps you recalibrate when life shifts.
  2. Seek guidance from a marriage or relationship coach – If you find it challenging to engage in meaningful discussions about your shared values, or if you struggle to reach an agreement on what they should be, a relationship coach can offer valuable insights. A coach can guide you through the process of identifying and aligning your values, providing the tools you need to strengthen your marriage. For couples married for 5 years or less, this could look like signing up for our very own Connect2 Just Married Course.
  3. Cultivate friendships with like-minded couples or mentors – The saying “iron sharpens iron” is especially relevant in marriage. Surround yourself with friends or mentors who share similar values and who will support and challenge you in living them out. Purposeful friendships provide encouragement and accountability, helping you stay true to your relationship’s values. For example, finding a network of like-minded couples in your faith community who share your values of faith and generosity can provide you with the support and encouragement to live out these values in your everyday lives.
  4. Commit to living out your shared values – It’s one thing to talk about shared values, but it’s another to actively live them out through your choices. As individuals and circumstances evolve over time, it’s important to review and adjust your shared values as needed. Committing to living out your values is a continual process that requires mutual support and dedication.  

This is where habits and mutually agreed rituals come in handy. If you and your spouse share the value of gratitude and reflection, it can be as simple as choosing to give thanks for one thing that happened in the day as part of your night routine. This commitment allows you to strengthen your marriage and stay aligned in their shared values, especially during challenging seasons. 

As a couple lives out their shared values, they set an example for the next generation on how to face challenges, make decisions, and foster meaningful relationships. 

Shared values grow your purpose as a family 

A marriage grounded in shared values lays a strong foundation for a family’s purpose and everyday living. It guides their decision-making and how they spend their time, energy, and resources.   

As a couple lives out their shared values, they set an example for the next generation on how to face challenges, make decisions, and foster meaningful relationships. Moreover, shared values help families navigate through tough times together, strengthening their resilience and adaptability. Over time, this shared purpose not only strengthens the marriage but also shapes the family’s legacy, ensuring that the family remains purpose-driven, connected, and capable of weathering life’s challenges with a sense of clarity and commitment. 

Reflect: What are the common values that guide your marriage? What is your shared purpose as a family? 

What to Do If Your Child Stumbles Upon Porn

As busy parents, it can be challenging to constantly supervise all of our children’s online activities. However, it remains all the more crucial to keep watch over our kids. In today’s digital age, it’s not uncommon for children to accidentally stumble upon inappropriate content online, including porn.  

If your child comes to you after chancing upon inappropriate content, it’s important to handle the situation with care and understanding. Here are some tips on how to manage such a conversation. 

1. Stay calm and composed 

Breathe. It’s crucial to remain calm and composed as our reactions will set the tone for the conversation and determine whether our children feel safe enough to come to us, when such incidents occur. 

2. Ask open-ended questions  

Ask open-ended questions to understand what they saw and how they felt about it. This helps in gauging their level of understanding and emotional state. 

Some examples of questions you can ask: What did the image or video show? How long did the video play for? How did it make you feel? 

A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe. 

3. Provide age-appropriate information 

Help your child process what they saw. Avoid giving too much detail but do be honest in order to build trust. 

If your child is a preschooler, and does not seem to remember or understand what they saw, avoid scolding or shaming them.  

However, emphasise that inappropriate content abound on the internet and boundaries will have to be set and adhered to, in order to keep them safe. Use statements like, “A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe.” 

If your child is in primary school, you should highlight the dangers of watching inappropriate material, including porn addiction and normalizing or mimicking the sexual behaviours they see online.  

For more handles on how to talk about porn, register to access our Talk About Sex Video Series. 

4. Reassure your child

Reassure your child that they are not in trouble and that it is okay to talk about anything with you. Let them know it’s a normal part of growing up to be curious and/or to have sexual feelings. 

5. Set boundaries for online safety

Use this opportunity to educate them about online safety and the importance of not sharing personal information or clicking on unknown links. Discuss and set rules of when and how your child can use mobile devices with internet connection. It is also a good idea to install parental controls on all devices in the home and use these tools to keep them safe. 

Creating a safe and open environment at home encourages our children to feel comfortable approaching us with any issues they encounter, whether online or offline. 

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today.