Resource Type: Articles

Trusting the Process in Motherhood

The feeling you get when you cradle your newborn and take in every tiny detail of his/her little face. The amazement and excitement of witnessing your child’s firsts. The way your heart swells with pride when you look at the person they are growing into. 

Being a mother is one of the most unique experiences in this world, special in every way – even in the way it grows and challenges you. 

Your baby is still waking multiple times at night. Your toddler seems to be endlessly whiny and refuses to obey your instructions. Your primary schooler cannot seem to get that math concept right no matter how many times you try to explain it. 

You’re tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. It constantly feels like things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You’re going through the motions, and it never feels like enough. 

As tough as it may be to see beyond this current season, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time. 

In the sowing and the waiting, what does it mean to trust the process? 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations – and in place of that, have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. In its time, it will culminate into something beautiful. 

While that can sound scary, learning to trust the process is an important mindset to have while journeying through the unchartered waters of motherhood and all it entails. By shifting your focus away from the things that cannot be controlled, it takes off burdens that we often unknowingly and unnecessarily carry, so that we can focus on what and who truly matter. 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. 

What it looks like to trust the process in motherhood: 

1. Embrace the uniqueness of your journey 

Drawing comparisons is a surefire way to discourage ourselves. Consciously or subconsciously, we find ourselves looking at other kids’ developmental progress and behaviour, and how other mums seem to be coping – and use that as a yardstick for how we are doing in our own journey of motherhood. 

Often, this can leave us feeling demoralised about the ways we are bringing up our own children, wondering if we are doing what is “right” for them. 

While there may be some basic and helpful principles in parenting, there is no manual that comes with the role. As with all human interactions and relationships, there is no guarantee that doing A would result in B. 

Every child, every mum and every relationship is different; what works well for one child may end up being the most unhelpful approach when it comes to another. 

Your story and journey are distinctly yours, and it is only when we start to appreciate our uniqueness and that of our children that we see the beauty of being content with our own special journey of growth.  

You are the mum your child needs. 

2. Show yourself grace 

Let’s admit it: We are works-in-progress, and will always be. 

We know that there is no perfect mother and no motherhood journey free from challenges, yet we can be so quick to beat ourselves up for our mistakes or when the guilt of not doing enough for our kids creeps in. 

Whether it came in the form of snapping at your child when they asked, “Why?” for (what felt like) the hundredth time in a day or feeling bad about leaving the room the very second before your baby falls off the bed, we have our share of regrets when it comes to being a mum. 

Even then, every impatient and harsh response can be an opportunity to seek forgiveness, every moment of failure a chance to reflect, and each desperate cry for a breather a reminder that we are human. While these experiences are uncomfortable and painful, they are opportunities for growth, shaping our character and the relationship we share with our kids. 

Being a mother is no easy feat. It demands a lot—if not all—of who we are, and there is room to show yourself compassion as you grow with grace. 

Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

3. Play the long game

Motherhood is a ride for the long haul and some seasons are going to be more challenging than others – the first few weeks without the confinement nanny, having two under 3, a child’s adjustment to primary school, relational struggles with your teen; all on top of personal struggles. 

At the lowest points of your journey, it can be tempting to quiet-quit and give up trying. 

The growth mindset would argue that these situations are opportunities to build resilience, learn and become better versions of ourselves. Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

To make the most of every season and to keep growing as a mum, we have to hold onto hope when we are in the trenches – and tell ourselves that, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes, before we know it, our child finally learns to soothe themselves back to sleep, or begin to read independently, or be potty-trained. Growth will spring forth in time to come. 

4. Celebrate growth 

A friend of mine frequently fretted over how frequently she would blow her top at her kids. When one day quite suddenly she realised that even when she had let out a few harsh words, she was able to pause mentally and physically, walk around the kitchen a few times while breathing to regain her calm, and then return to the scene a lot more in control of her emotions. 

It did not happen overnight and it certainly is nowhere near perfection. But trusting the process means believing that over time, there is some form of growth in the journey – even if it occurs it shows in ways you don’t expect. 

Whether it has got to do with your child’s developmental journey and meltdown frequency, or your level of patience and choice of response, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Compared to a week/month/half a year/one year ago, what changes are visible? 
  • Apart from this challenge, how else have I/my child grown? 

As you learn to celebrate both the small and big milestones in you and your young ones’ journey, you may find the assurance and encouragement that you need to take the next step, and then the next. 

 The burdens a mum bears are heavy and circumstances can be challenging, but when we take a step back and consider how far you’ve come, it shifts our perspective of the difficulties we face in the process. 

If you find yourself dutifully watering and tending to a seed in the soil but can’t quite see any growth above the surface, remember that roots need time to grow deep. As the plant grows, there will be seasons of weeding, of pruning, and seasons where it flowers and bears fruit. 

Signs of growth—both in your children and in you—will sprout all in good time. 

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee.

From 3 to 13 May 2024, join us in encouraging mums of their growth in their precious journey of motherhood. Find out more at www.family.org.sg/AllinGoodTime. 

Triggers: A Fertile Ground to Cultivate Intimacy

“Hey, why not we just have the night banquet in your home? After all, there’s enough space, and we can cut cost on renting an event’s space”. 

“You didn’t even ask me what I want for the banquet! Yes, you have your own idea of what that day will look like, but I have mine too, you know?! If we were to have it in my home, I will feel the need to host people. It’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be hosting people!” 

What was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon of planning for our night banquet quickly turned into a tense, sour moment for my fiancée and I.  

Triggers.  

Every couple is familiar with them. As intimacy deepens, so does the potential for triggers to arise when unspoken expectations or needs aren’t fulfilled. These triggers can surface when certain aspects of the past or deeply held beliefs come into play within the relationship.  

Definition of emotional triggers:

  • An event, experience, object, or people that spark an intense emotional reaction.  
  • The cause for emotional triggers is often rooted in early childhood experiences, where an unpleasant event or difficult experience left core needs unmet, and the resulting pain was left unprocessed by our caregivers.

As an adult, we experience certain situations that remind us of some of these painful early experiences. Our bodies re-live these painful moments, and it triggers these negative reactions.  

Triggers with your partner are opportunities for either deep disconnection and pain, or deep healing and growth. The outcome depends primarily on how these moments are processed with our partner.  

How can we reframe triggers as not something to be avoided, but something to be anticipated, perhaps even embraced? How can triggers be a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom with your partner? Here are two simple steps: curiosity, and compassion.

While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. 

Practise curiosity 

Triggers are moments for your partner and you to extend curiosity on your past. While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. Making peace looks like courageously revisiting those memories, and releasing the hurts, pain, and anger associated with those memories. It’s releasing the people whom we want to hold responsible for what happened to us. 

Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk wrote in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “When we cannot find a way to make our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations part of a consistent narrative, we become overwhelmed by our inner experiences and react as though we are facing an outside threat.”  

  1. In moments of triggers, allow yourself to practise curiosity and awareness of your thoughts, memories, emotions, and physical sensations. 

     

  2. Then, share vulnerably what’s happening internally with your partner, by narrating what you are feeling inside. 

     

  3. Allow yourself to sit with the mix of emotions, whether it’s pain, hurt, anger, sadness, fear, or shame. Write them down on paper.

     

  4. Release these painful memories and emotions in your heart, and allow your partner to witness you. 

     

  5. Once you have shared your inner experience with your partner, allow him to extend compassion on what you’ve just shared. 

     

  6. This can look like being silently present with you, giving you a reassuring hug or squeeze of your hands, or simply nodding his head with care and empathy. 

Continuing the example from above, this was what my partner responded to me after she calmed down:

“Sorry for losing my cool with you earlier. I understand and see your heart for cost-savings, but could you give me the space to share what was happening to me internally earlier?” 

“When you suggested to have the wedding banquet at my home, my body started to become flooded with a rising hot feeling in my belly. I started to feel so angry, because I had the expectation that you would consider my opinion on the matter. I felt so unseen and uncared for, and suddenly it felt as if I was a little girl again. 

When I was younger, I grew up with three highly opinionated siblings. My parents always had a hard time, even for something as simple as choosing a dine-out place, my three siblings always insisted on their choice. I didn’t want to add to their stress, so I didn’t voice my opinion, even though deep down I always wondered, ‘How about me? When is it my turn to choose?’. I became quieter and quieter. I learned that to be accepted in my family, I would have to be invisible. To not voice my needs and desires. I hated it, but I chose to do it because it was what I needed to not make life harder for my parents.” 

Sharing our internal process with someone trustworthy allows us to heal. Brené Brown wrote in her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. 

Allow your partner to extend compassion on your story  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. It’s to see the pain we have experienced mirrored in the eyes of our partner—and to unlearn the lie from our childhood that we are uncared for.  

From my response of compassion, my fiancée learns that she is not invisible; she is seen and loved and her needs matter to me. She can voice her opinion of how she envisions the night banquet to be, and not be dismissed for her desires. Her vulnerability also gives me the opportunity to empathise and feel with her. Mother Theresa aptly said, “The eyes of the compassionate bring healing and restoration to the broken.” 

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. 

 

When we are able to courageously acknowledge what happened to us, and allow another to enter into our story and empathise with our pain, a deep bond of trust is built that is unparalleled.  

This is how triggers become a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom, not a landmine to be tip-toed around.  

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. Our intimate, safe relationships in adulthood is an opportunity to heal and find closure for these painful experiences, and to build new beliefs. As you practise curiosity in moments of triggers, and allow your partner to extend compassion on your story, may you experience deeper healing, intimacy, and freedom in your life. 

*Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved. 

How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child

45-year-old Mr Tan had just about had enough. He walked into the counselling room with his face completely red, and recounted what had happened the night before. Mr Tan’s 17-year-old son Jeremy* was totally out of control. When Mr Tan found his son still engaged in  an online game at 2am, two hours after bedtime, he decided to switch off the WiFi in the house, and Jeremy went ballistic. 

“He went into the living room and started screaming. Then he started throwing everything on the floor. The whole house was in a mess!” exclaimed the irate man, his lungs about to burst. “It’s not the first time I’ve told him to stop. I just don’t know what to do with such a strong-willed child!” 

Before we address the behaviour of the child, we need to first understand all the variables that led to the behaviour.

Understanding the strong-willed child

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a “strong-willed” person as someone “determined to do what is wanted, even if other people disagree or disapprove.” From Mr Tan’s perspective, Jeremy was a “strong-willed” child who always wanted to do things his own way; someone who was “obstinate” and “stubborn”, and always refused to do what he was instructed. Mr Tan, wanting to assert his authority over his son, had entered into a power struggle with his son by switching off the WiFi.

According to Bryan Post, a specialist in the treatment of emotional and behavioural disturbance, we need to reframe the way we parent a child whom we believe to be “strong-willed”. Bryan, Founder of the Post Institute for Family-Centred Therapy, noted that a strong-willed child can trigger a strong-willed parent, and this could result in a negative feedback loop of intense emotional turmoil. When discussing the nature of the “will,” it refers to a “will to live,” and a strong will could sometimes stem from a feeling that “no one is able to take care of me other than me.”

The more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will.

Bryan observed that society is outcome-oriented, and that we mostly focus on the behaviour of the child, when it’s actually the relationship (the process) that leads to the outcome (the behaviour). As such, before we address the behaviour of the child, we first need to understand all the variables that led to the behaviour. For instance, did the child have a good sleep the night before? Is he or she hungry or tired, or encountering problems in school or with friends? 

Bryan’s observations are interesting, because the more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will. This encompasses having strong opinions about the world around them, dogged determination and perseverance, and an acute sense of what is right and wrong.  

In fact, a strong-willed child could grow up to become an adult who will persevere to ensure that the task gets done. The person could tap on their deep sense of justice and the strong spirit of determination to become a change-maker in their sphere of influence. 

We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with.

Building the relationship

Parenting is about building relationships. How we connect with our children matters; this is something that I have been learning more and more as I go deeper in my counselling work with people who have experienced trauma.  

Bryan commented that the child often draws on their previous memories before deciding how to behave in a given situation. Building on this concept, we need to ensure that our children have positive experiences with us, in order to create a feedback loop of positive memories.  

The key to building positive experiences is to connect with our children in the everyday moments. We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with. 

Understanding strengths

Connection begins with understanding. And this begins when we understand our children’s strengths – what they’re good at, and what they like to do. My two sons love playing board games, so that’s what we do during the evenings at home and on holiday, playing board games together as a family.

Back to Mr Tan’s case, I learnt from him that Jeremy loved to play soccer and to eat Japanese food, in addition to playing online games. So, I suggested for Mr Tan to spend some time playing soccer with him during their free time, to take Jeremy to a Japanese meal once in a while, and to find out more about what games he liked – the characters in the game, the special powers, and other unique aspects of the game that appealed to the boy.

When I saw Mr Tan a few months later, he was happy to update that Jeremy no longer behaved the same way as before, and that he had reached an agreement with his son on what would be an appropriate time to stop playing each night. “It was almost as if a miracle has happened!” he declared.

And often, such miracles can happen when we work at the relationship.


*All names and identifying features have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved. 

How Can I Reduce my Mental Load as a Mum?

According to BBC, mental load is about “preparing, organising and anticipating everything, emotional and practical, that needs to get done to make life flow.” It is like having ten tabs open and running at the same time in our minds, as we go about our daily responsibilities as mums.  

We can be preparing lunch while anticipating what picking up our child will be like, whether he will be moody because of the long hours in school or the lack of sleep from the night before, while also making dinner plans and trying to recall if we have paid the month’s bills.  

Mental load is one of the hardest things to accurately explain to people, and also one of the biggest sources of anxiety. We feel the need to be in control of what is happening and what is going to happen so that we feel sufficiently confident to handle the various situations.  

This mental load will not lessen until our children are independent enough to make decisions and take care of their own basic needs. Such a responsibility can sometimes cause us to feel overwhelmed and burnt out, if not handled with care. It is therefore important for us to learn how to cope well.  

1. Having fixed routines helps us anticipate with more certainty 

We often hear that children thrive with routines because they can anticipate what is coming and feel more empowered to carry out the task. Similarly, adults rely heavily on routines to carry out our daily responsibilities.  

Having fixed routines can help us anticipate with more certainty the flow of events for the day, which will also help us be more prepared even if unforeseen circumstances crop up. For example, if our children’s routine is to shower – dinner – play – sleep, it wouldn’t hurt to have dinner before taking a shower on days when we get home later than expected.  

Routines act as a baseline for both kids and parents, since they know that these tasks must be completed even if they were coupled with meltdowns and yelling. It takes away the “what’s next” while we deal with the meltdowns, and that helps to give us a sense of clarity amidst the chaos.

2. Schedule brain breaks

Whenever possible, schedule brain breaks during the day. This could be in the form of swapping out one homecooked meal for a  giving the kids fifteen minutes of screen time while we have a cup of coffee and take it slow. This is possible when our children are familiar with the day-to-day routines and have a certain level of independence.  

Short breaks may not seem like much but can go a long way when scheduled at the right intervals. For example, taking a break at midday can help us continue managing the various responsibilities till the children go to bed.  

3. Find community among fellow mums

Bearing the mental load by ourselves is difficult, but adequately describing it to others and explaining its effects on us can also be challenging. Therefore, finding mum friends who can relate is very important. They can be a great source of support and an outlet for you to share your frustration. 

Though our responsibilities haven’t changed, the emotional support our mum friends provide can sometimes give us that little push to last through a difficult day. 

It helps us feel understood and seen by people who have gone through what we have and know exactly what we are talking about, especially when mental load in itself is invisible. Though our responsibilities haven’t changed, the emotional support our mum friends provide can sometimes give us that little push to last through a difficult day.  

4. Give yourself a ‘mum’s day off’

Giving yourself an “off-day” sounds incredibly attractive, because of the sheer responsibility of being a mum. As a working adult, we can switch our phones off and choose not to log in to our emails when on leave, but we cannot turn our brains off and ignore our kids.  

We can only be momentarily free from caregiving when we intentionally step out and away from the family. When we can relinquish the role of caregiving to another trusted adult, be it our spouse or family member, we can turn our minds away from the needs and demands of our family and just focus on ourselves.  

This is absolutely crucial in helping us tune in to our own needs and do the things that we want to do. It helps us feel that our needs can and will be met. We are also a priority and are not forgotten amidst the chaos at home.  

The catch is that we must be intentional to take our minds off whatever is happening at home. It defeats the purpose if we are out but our minds are constantly worried about our children and their plans and activities for the day. 

We can better plan, schedule and care for our children when we are happy and well taken care of. 

Practical tips to reduce mental load

Try these practical tips to better manage your mental load: 

  • Think about which activities you can incorporate into a routine. Perhaps it is doing an emotional check-in at bedtime, or planning for the week’s meals on a Sunday evening. 
  • Schedule your brain breaks into your weekly calendar. Start with once a week and work your way up! 
  • Regularly share with your spouse/mum support group what might be weighing you down or causing you anxiety. 
  • Give yourself time off to do something you enjoy – once a month! 

The mental load of motherhood accumulates over time due to the changing seasons our children go through, and it is important for us to consider our own needs while giving to our children. We can better plan, schedule and care for our children when we are happy and well taken care of.  

The journey is long, but we are also training our mental resilience through the years as our children grow. Take heart, mummies! We can do this! 

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

How Do I Know My Marriage Is Ready for Kids?

After saying, “I do”, it is natural to desire building your nest, and enjoy the freedom of couple-hood. It is also not uncommon for some couples to focus on their career aspirations and goals. But there may come a time when you or your spouse are drawn to conversations with friends or colleagues about babies and parenthood. Or when your social media feed pops up cute images of babies and you dream about having children of your own, and decorating the room for a little one. You feel you are ready to expand your family of creation.  

But are you? 

It has been said that it takes two to tango. The decision to become a parent is a weighty one that should be made intentionally as a couple. Adding a new member requires the readiness of the husband and wife; It is not merely an individual choice.  

Thus, if you are considering parenthood, it is fitting that as a couple, instead of asking, “Am I ready for parenthood?” you might want to ask, “Is our marriage ready for parenthood?” 

If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the cracks in the relationship.

What are the factors to determine if your marriage is ready for a baby? 

1. Relationship strength and vitality 

The health of your marriage is crucial if you want to add children to the mix. Most marriage mentors or counsellors encourage couples to invest time and effort to work on their marriage issues, and strengthen their relationship before the baby arrives. Studies have shown that when the baby arrives, marital satisfaction will take a dip because of the transitional stresses, added responsibilities, and demands of parenthood.  

If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the existing cracks in the relationship. 

Here are some conversation starters for you and your spouse to reflect on and discuss:

  1. How do I envision our lives changing when we have a baby?
  2. What freedoms am I willing to give up that I have now?
  3. How will we make time for our marriage relationship?
  4. If we were to stop having sex for a few months, how would my spouse respond?
  5. How do we handle stress and conflict as a couple?
  6. How do I communicate when I am feeling sleep-deprived and overwhelmed?
  7. What would I want my spouse to do/say when I feel inadequate as a parent, or when my self-esteem takes a beating post-pregnancy?
  8. What comes to mind when I think of the father or mother I want to be?
  9. What are our values regarding raising children, and sharing responsibility and involvement in parenthood? If our values are in conflict, how can we find a middle ground?
  10. What is our parenting style? If they are different, how do we foresee this affecting the way we parent as a team?
  11. What family traditions do I want to carry over from my childhood? What do I wish to do differently?

2. Physical health

When planning to start a family, it is important that you and your spouse are in good health. Visit the gynaecologist or doctor for a health assessment and make the necessary adjustments so that you increase your odds of having a healthy baby. It is worthwhile to switch to a healthier lifestyle: Eat healthily, give up the smoking habit, start an exercise regime! These small changes can strengthen your overall physical health and prepare your body to manage the stresses of the transition to parenthood. 

3. Financial health

Having an additional mouth to feed means there will be an increase in the family expenses. It is important to ensure your financial preparedness for such a commitment. As to the financial cost of raising a child, it is very subjective. If you have a steady income as a couple, a budget that works, and the ability to effectively manage your finances, you are in a favourable position to start a family. That being said, it is always a good idea to take a serious look at your financial goals and commitments; if need be, consult a financial expert to advise you and your spouse.

4. Social support 

Taking care of a baby is physically, emotionally, and psychologically demanding. Today, not many married women want to be a full-time homemaker. Whether you choose to become a full-time homemaker or to balance motherhood and a career, it is important to ensure there is a good support system that you can reach out to in times of need. They can be your parents, in-laws, trusted friends, faith community, or siblings. These are the people who will make time to listen to you, encourage you when the going gets tough, or provide practical help to ease the stresses of caring for your child.

Becoming parents is a lifelong commitment that requires a couple to make the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully.

5. Emotional and psychological stability 

Becoming a parent is life-changing, joyful, and rewarding. At the same time, caring for a baby comes with its fair share of ups and downs. For the mother, the nine months of pregnancy with its physical discomfort, such as morning sickness, fatigue, and back pain can set off unpleasant feelings of frustration or anxiety. Additionally, post-pregnancy bodily changes can cause a dent in a mother’s self-esteem, especially when she finds that she cannot expeditiously get back into shape after childbirth.  

For the father, having to share the wife’s attention and closeness with a new member of the family, the dip in sexual contact, and the financial commitments can pose a challenge mentally and emotionally. 

It would be helpful for the couple to be emotionally and psychologically stable In order to navigate such a major milestone together.  

For many couples, having children is a cherished goal, bringing joy and fulfilment. Having a baby is indeed a life-changing, exciting, and heart-warming experience. However, it is a weighty decision that requires deliberate introspection and reflection, and making the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully. It is certainly worthwhile to make time to engage in honest and open conversations to determine if you and your spouse are ready to become parents. 

What is Sexual Abuse and How Do I Prevent it?

Primary years (7-9)

Sexual abuse like molest or rape can happen to both boys and girls. Since most perpetuators are known to the victims, children might be reluctant to “tell on” someone they are familiar with, especially if it is a person they respect or have affections for. This is why it is important to teach them that their bodies are private and they have the power to speak up when they feel uncomfortable with any form of physical contact, even if it is just holding hands or receiving hugs from someone they know.   

Statistics on sexual abuse show that shock and surprise keep victims quiet. To avoid this, role-play possible scenarios, for example, “Let’s say you are on the bus and someone sits next to you and touches your thigh, what do you do?” You can also equip them with sentences that they can fall back on, for example, “Don’t do that, I am not comfortable with it,” or “I don’t want this, you need to stop now” and establish a standard protocol of what they can do if something happens. This can be as simple as Speak Out, Walk Away and Talk to A Safe Adult. If you have not already done so, teach your primary schooler how to identify a safe adult, for example, someone in authority or a mother with kids. 

Tween years (10-12)

As your child grows in independence, it is critical for us to keep communication open and to be aware of the different ways a stranger could get in contact with them, such as through popular online games or social media platforms.  

Sexual abuse can also come in the guise of “fun” or “games”. The perpetuator might ask the victim to keep what happened as a secret, because it is part of the game or even use threats, blame or shame on the victim. To pre-empt this, talk to your child about these common tactics and teach them to raise the red flag if someone asks them to keep a secret from you. On your part, be on the look-out for anyone who is giving special attention to your child especially if the person tries to get your child alone with him/her. 

It is important to build trust with your tween, through showing your unconditional love and your ability to handle whatever is shared with you, for example, by staying calm and not becoming overly upset with them.

Your child needs the assurance that you will not fault them or dismiss what they share, but that they can depend on you to support them emotionally, give good advice and help resolve the situation.   
 
Watch both your verbal and non-verbal cues when you hear about sexual abuse cases because our children could pick up any negative attitudes we might have towards the victims, and that could make them feel unsafe should they need to share with us in future.

Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)

Continue to make yourself a safe place for your children to come to even as they grow into the teenage and emerging years. Even older teens can go into a state of shock when sexual abuse happens. They may passively go along with what’s going on because they do not know what to do or even disassociate and “blank out” the memory as a coping mechanism.  

If you suspect your teen has experienced something because he or she is suddenly withdrawn, depressed, or fearful of certain places or people, reach out to find out how your child is doing.

Let your teen share at their own pace. It may take more than one conversation to get the full story. 

At this age, our teens may have started romantic relationships, so it is a good time to talk about boundaries within relationships and respectful and consensual physical touch.  

Help your teen see that sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual touch, especially if he or she feels coerced. Coercion can range from “If you do not do this, I will…” statements to “I thought you said you love me…”

It can also involve grooming methods like buying things and paying for your teen over a period of time so that eventually, your teen feels like he or she “owes” the person and has to repay them.  

Empower your children to develop and believe in the power of their own voice. Emphasise that they can say “Stop” or “No” at any time and that it is okay to realise they have gone too far or made a mistake and insist on a stop. Help them avoid the trap of thinking they are in the wrong for being in a situation and thus, have no right to stop. “You can always stop” can be a very powerful belief.  

Any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent—for example, being incapacitated, asleep or drunk—is also sexual abuse. Taking photographs or videos of someone in a state of undress like upskirt photos is also sexual abuse; possessing and/or distributing sexual images is considered a crime in Singapore.  

You can approach these conversations holistically, for instance, as you explain upskirt photos and why they are wrong, teach your daughters to be observant when wearing skirts, and your sons to avert their eyes if they notice exposure, and for them to step in to help someone if their modesty is threatened. Part of our children’s growth into adulthood may also include experiencing sexual desires. Acknowledge that and avoid letting them feel guilty or ashamed over it. 

Sexual abuse is a huge topic and one we hope our children will never experience. To safeguard them, chat with them regularly about sexuality and growing up. Help them gain a solid understanding of how love and relationships work. Knowing how sex is good in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage can help them understand why any form of sexual coercion is wrong.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Should I use Dating Apps in Search for a Long-term, Committed Relationship?

The question of whether to use dating apps or online dating platforms in pursuit of a long-term relationship is a tricky one. If you’re in a season of your life where your social circles are not expanding, and you would love to meet new people, dating apps are a great platform to meet other singles.

On the other hand, dating apps have some very real limitations. One of the greatest limitations of dating apps is the illusion of infinite choice. Because the pool of active users on dating apps are so large, individuals are constantly facing what psychologists refer to as the paradox of choice. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when people are presented with too many options, the individual experiences decreased satisfaction, no matter the choice made. The reason is simple: There is a sense that there is always someone better out there.

I would like to offer a set of questions to ask yourself, before you decide if dating apps are for you in this time of your life as you seek a long-term, committed relationship.

A strong friendship built on trust and respect is a great foundation for the early stages of a dating relationship, and it’s much easier to strengthen an existing friendship than it is to build a new one from scratch.   

1. Why do I want to use dating apps?

Before diving into a dating app, it’s important to ask yourself ‘why’. Do you feel that none of your friends could be a potential partner? Evaluate your existing friendships honestly—perhaps there’s someone worth getting to know better. Building a strong friendship based on trust and respect forms a solid foundation for a romantic relationship. Strengthening an existing bond is often easier than starting anew. 

However, if none of your current connections seem promising, it’s time to expand your social circle. Dating apps aren’t the only option; consider joining interest groups, seeking introductions from mutual friends, or volunteering. These are great alternatives for friendships to bloom in a more organic fashion. 

The mode and manner of meeting people is not as crucial as the quality of your friendships.  Strong friendships are built on values of respect and trust. Focus on building meaningful connections and sharpening the soft skills necessary to build a healthy, long-term relationship, such as emotional intelligence and conflict resolution, rather than simply expanding your social network. 

The key to effectiveness in dating is to be clear about what traits you wish your potential date to possess, and what are certain red flags or dealbreakers for you.

2. Do I know myself, and what I am looking for in a potential date?

The second question to ask yourself once you’ve become aware of your motives, is to assess your understanding of self – your goals in life, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, and your values.  

An important piece of a meaningful, long-term relationship is the degree to which both parties are able to make themselves known, by articulating their goals, needs, values, and their strengths and weaknesses, and have the other receive and reflect them back. It’s important to be aware of these facets of yourself before you commit to knowing another person. 

The other piece that makes a long-term relationship healthy and strong is the ability to accept and receive your partner for the totality of who they are. The key to effectiveness in dating is to be clear about what traits you wish your potential date to possess, and what are certain red flags or dealbreakers for you. This is to avoid unnecessary heartache and disappointment arising from the lack of clear communication of expectations from the onset.

Without the values of contentment, gratitude, and commitment, one will always remain dissatisfied with their match on a dating app.

3. Do I understand the business model, benefit, and drawback of dating apps?

Once you’re clear on your identity and the type of person you’re seeking, it’s essential to understand how dating apps operate, and their pros and cons. Dating apps, driven by profit, aim to attract and retain users through freemium models, offering limited free features, while tempting users with premium subscriptions promising better matches and visibility. These companies capitalize on the human desire to stand out, leveraging it to sell premium features. 

While this raises ethical questions, users must realize that relying solely on free features may limit their chances of finding a quality match. Even with premium features, users may face the paradox of choice and decreased satisfaction. 

Where dating apps excel in is their ability to connect individuals who share a mutual interest in a long-term, committed relationship—assuming this preference is indicated in their profile settings. This is a plus for many users who choose this avenue of meeting other singles over traditional meeting spaces.  

Ultimately, choosing to embrace the values of contentment, gratitude, and commitment is key to satisfaction in dating, regardless of the platform used.  

Thanks to technology, we can build friendships with people whom we may never have otherwise met, but it takes much wisdom and maturity for the interaction online to progress to a real life, genuine connection.

4. Can I use the features offered by a dating app to build a strong friendship — in an intentional and deliberate manner, while staying aware of its limitations? 

Once you understand how dating apps function and have weighed their pros and cons, consider if you can leverage their strengths to foster genuine connections intentionally.  

Dating apps excel in sparking conversations on diverse topics, allowing you to delve beyond the initial superficial conversations into something deeper. Once you have warmed up to each other over text, transitioning to an in-person meeting is crucial for developing deeper friendship, as online interactions lack vital nonverbal cues essential for deeper emotional connection. Face-to-face encounters also verify the authenticity of information shared online. 

One of the greatest challenges with maintaining a connection with someone over text is the difficulty in drawing emotional boundaries, and appropriately pacing the growth of trust and intimacy in the relationship. Trust is built over time, and as easy as it might be to rush an interaction, it’s more beneficial in the long term to exercise restraint. The true character of an individual, such as their values, beliefs, and direction in life takes time to be unveiled, through a variety of different scenarios and contexts. 

After committing to exclusivity, deleting the app helps maintain focus on your current relationship. This helps you draw a mental boundary with the thoughts that there could be someone better out there on the app, and if your current date is the best fit for you. 

Thanks to technology, we can build friendships with people whom we may never have otherwise met, but it takes much wisdom and maturity for the interaction online to progress to a real life, genuine connection. True relational satisfaction and fulfilment comes from the mature decision of mutual commitment, emotional health, and clear communication of expectations and needs, and this can very well be assisted by a dating app, but not replaced by it.  

Three Relationship Principles To Cultivate for a Strong Start to Marriage

The journey from engagement to marriage is like a wild rollercoaster ride, packed with twists and turns. From wedding planning to sorting out housing and navigating relationships with future in-laws, it’s a phase where couples face plenty of challenges. These challenges often bring out differences between partners, testing their communication skills and ability to resolve conflicts. The constant tension can leave couples feeling drained and questioning their decision to tie the knot.

May I suggest three principles for couples to consider building during this period?

1. Build trust with each other, not just love

For a rock-solid foundation before saying “I do,” trust is key. Love is important, sure, but trust is just as vital. Picture this: your partner showers you with love, but doubts about their character linger. Would you fully embrace their affection, or would doubt cloud your feelings?

Trust is like the safety net in a relationship, allowing love to flourish. It gives couples the confidence to share their deepest thoughts without fearing it’ll strain their bond. While it doesn’t guarantee total understanding during conflicts, it does provide stability and continuity in communication.

Trust isn’t built overnight; it grows through consistent actions over time. It’s about showing integrity and staying true to your values. Couples must understand that trust is reinforced through resolving conflicts. Without healthy conflict resolution, deep trust is hard to build. Which leads to the next point…

When relationships get to a point where there are no secrets or fear of upsetting our significant other, a deep bond of trust is built.

2. Prioritise relational repairs over avoidance of conflict

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships. It’s how you handle them that matters. Many couples think fewer fights mean a healthier bond, but it’s the honesty and willingness to work through issues that truly define a strong relationship. Listen without judgment, express your feelings openly, and validate each other’s emotions. 

When relationships get to a point where there are no secrets or fear of upsetting our significant other, a deep bond of trust is built. There is a sense of emotional connectedness and appreciation for each other that is unparalleled. It’s not easy to persevere through disagreements and to work through conflicts, but the reward of intimacy and trust on the other side is well worth the effort.

True intimacy goes beyond understanding how your partner thinks and sees the world differently, to delighting and finding the strength in these differences.

3. Reframe differences as points of celebration, not contention

No two people are the same, and that’s okay. Embracing differences is crucial. While agreeing on fundamental values is important, it’s normal to have differing views and personalities. Recognize what you can compromise on and what’s non-negotiable.

True intimacy is about cherishing these differences, not letting them drive a wedge between you. It goes beyond understanding how your partner thinks and sees the world differently, to delighting and finding the strength in these differences. It’s to reframe differences as points of celebration, not contention. This process requires open-mindedness, humility and teachability on both sides, and a strong foundation of trust established in the relationship.

By building trust, prioritizing healthy conflict resolution, and celebrating differences, engaged couples can strengthen their bond and prepare for a lifetime of love and understanding.

 

Planning to tie the knot soon? Build a strong foundation for your relationship by attending our upcoming Connect2 Marriage Workshop!

What is Good Touch and Bad Touch?

As part of our five senses, the gift of touch is a way we make sense of the world and send and receive messages. But in a world where touch can sometimes be less than innocent, how do we protect our kids especially when we can’t always be with them? 

Early years (0-3)

Teaching our kids about good and bad touch is a conversation that we can start from the early years. As you teach your kids proper names for their body parts and things like not walking around naked, you are laying a great foundation for their young minds to learn both social norms and body safety. 
 
At this age, you can also introduce the idea of good touch and bad touch as an easy-to-understand framework that you can build on as they grow. 
 
Good touch can be high-fives, handholding and even hugs from family and friends. Bad touch can be touches that leave bruises (hitting, pushing, kicking…etc) and any unwanted touch from another person, especially in the private areas.  
 
Avoid defining good touch as “whatever makes you feel good” since this can be used out-of-context. Abusers have also been known to exploit this ideal by first starting with innocent tickles, before moving on to sexual abuse.  
 
Instead, first define good and bad touch as areas that can be touched and areas that cannot. An easy visual reference for “no touch” areas is everywhere that’s covered when you wear a singlet and shorts. 
 
Then expand it further by helping to grow your child’s voice. Teach them that they can say no to being touched and to move away from the person or call for help if they feel uncomfortable. Nurture your child’s confidence to say no by also respecting their wishes. Never force them to hug or kiss anyone, even with relatives.  
 
Keep the language you use straightforward and simple:  
“Can anyone touch you in a no-touch area? “No!”  
“If someone hugs you and you don’t like it, what do you say? No!”   
 
You should also help them recognise the safe adults in their lives, e.g., immediate family members. If there are other adults in that circle, you may also want to define what is allowed and what is not e.g., a teacher can help bring you to the toilet but can’t touch your private areas.  
 
Make it very clear to your kids that no one should show their private parts to them and no one should see or touch their private areas. 

Preschool years (4-6) 

Your child may be attending daycare now and may need help with toileting so it will be good to run through some specific scenarios with them.  

Role-play is a powerful teaching tool for young kids. You may want to go through: 

  • What’s okay and not okay during shower time at school  
  • How to get help cleaning up if they passed motion 
  • What to do if someone peeks at them when they are in the toilet 

Find out from the school how they handle these scenarios too to avoid confusion. 

Empower them with handles on what to do if an adult does something they are not comfortable with, for example: 

Say “I don’t like that”, find daddy, mummy or a trusted adult and tell them what happened, and how they feel e.g., “I don’t like Uncle trying to kiss me”.   

Of course, these responses should change if it involves any touching of their private areas. You may want to tell your kids that if anyone touches your private parts, shout “Stop! Go away” and “Help” very loudly. 

Consistent repetition of these body safety rules will help them remember it.   

You may also want to teach them not to sit on other adults’ laps but to sit next to them instead. 

Primary years (7-9) 

By primary school age, you can also include the idea of peer pressure when it comes to expanding the idea of good touch and bad touch. Taper your questions according to their level of maturity too. Role-play questions now may include “If your friend says that a boyfriend/ girlfriend can touch each other in the no-touch area, what would you say?” 

They may also be exposed to words like “molest” from friends who have had such encounters. To ensure your child knows they can always come and talk to you about anything, never sound suspicious or fear-monger. Instead, communicate calmly and frequently, using movies and news to spark conversations. Listen attentively to them, without jumping to conclusions or judgment too quickly. 
 
Teach your kids that bad touch can happen unexpectedly so they should be conscious of their surroundings, especially when they are alone. Also talk about and role-play what to do if they are unexpectedly touched in a public place. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

When The Parenting Tips Don’t Work

Screaming, yelling, shouting. Fighting, quarrelling, whining. Clinginess, grumpiness, and repeated defiance. As parents, we may wonder why our children fight us when we’re trying to meet their needs. It seems like an uphill task to keep the kids safe, healthy, and on time for school, while juggling our countless other responsibilities and demands.  

Meanwhile, you continue to be bombarded by parenting tips online that tell you to empathise and be gentle with your children. You give this a try, but are met with mischief, meltdowns, and defiance at the worst moments. Desperate, you resort to old tactics: Threats, yelling, caning, or bribing with screen time to placate them. Unsurprisingly, these old methods work, and you’re able to get on with the day.  

While it may be tempting to abandon the expert tips as you struggle with the realities of life, many of us continue to resonate with the ideas presented, as they inspire us to build a warmer and more loving home. Here are some ways I’ve learnt to adapt these tips into my own family life: 

1. Avoid unhealthy comparison

With today’s gentle parenting approach gaining popularity, it is easy to make comparisons with other parents who seem to have it all under control. However, what you see on social media does not necessarily reflect reality. You may be surprised to learn that almost every parent struggles with getting their children in line at some point, even the ones you look up to most!  

Knowing this, it is important to avoid black-and-white thinking when we encounter our failures. Instead of dwelling on thoughts like, “I lost my cool today; I must be a failure as a father,” it helps to reframe them more constructively: “I lost my cool today, but it was understandable as I was dealing with too much. I can have compassion on myself, and apply what I have learnt from this episode, tomorrow.”  

 

“It takes time for new parenting strategies to prove its effectiveness, and for new habits to be cultivated in the family.” 

2. Aim for improvement, not perfection 

As adults, it can sometimes feel like an uphill battle keeping it all together each day. In many ways, our children struggle just like us as they navigate the challenges of growing up. Hence, we cannot expect perfect days and perfectly obedient children. It is not possible to correct every single mistake, as this can lead to resentment in both parent and child. We should, instead, identify red lines for discipline and keep to those.   

For example, my wife and I are stricter with maintaining discipline when our children are about to endanger themselves or others. We are less uptight if no harm is caused – such as if they scream, shout, or accidentally spill something – or if we know that the children are feeling overwhelmed.  

It is also important to note that improvement takes time, before any positive change can be observed. We may fail spectacularly when we first try something new – this includes new approaches to parenting. However, as we persist, our children will notice the new habits and language that are being cultivated, and eventually internalise them.  

One of my proudest moments as a father was seeing my 5-year-old son calm his younger sister down with one of the tactics I have previously used with him, instead of yelling back at her!  

“Be particularly mindful when our children are Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (HALT).” 

3. Learn how to prevent and defuse emotional triggers  

Is your heart beating faster and harder? Do you feel tension in your forehead or chest? Do you feel blood rushing to your eyes? These are some physiological signs that an emotional outburst is about to occur – a trigger. Leaving our triggers unchecked can cause us to act impulsively. Sometimes, this leads to doing or saying things to our children that we regret for years to come. It is thus important to learn to detect and prevent our triggers, which would help us be more intentional in our parenting.  

The same goes for our children. Just as adults are likely to lose control when they have unmet needs, younger children are as, if not more, likely to act up if they are Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (HALT). By mentally reviewing our children’s HALT levels throughout the day, we are better able to keep behavioural challenges at bay.  

However, no one can completely avoid emotional outbursts throughout life. As such, I’ve found it helpful to learn the best strategies for defusing one another’s triggers. For example, I usually count to 3 before I act on my anger, and I try to envision the consequences of losing my temper before I act or speak. For my children, slow counting or play have been the best means for regulating their strong emotions. (Here are more tips on dealing with big emotions.) 

At the end of the day, parental discipline may involve being firm with our children. To keep myself in check, my guiding principle for managing meltdowns or misbehaviour is to always exhaust all “softer” approaches before moving on to “harder” ones.

 Live to love another day 

One morning, I yelled harshly at my son while getting him ready for school, leaving the family shaken and myself feeling guilty for the rest of the day. That same night, however, we went about our bedtime routine as normal. I read both children a bedtime story and the kids scrambled to sit on my lap. The night ended with giggles and smiles as I tucked them into bed.  

Family life is not meant to be perfect. It is unrealistic to expect ourselves or our children to handle all of life’s challenges, while maintaining perfect composure 24/7. What I’ve found to be most important is not building the perfect family, but a loving one: An environment where we are always loved, accepted, and learning to love one another better. It is on this foundation that each family member can work on themselves and make each difficult moment a little better, one day at a time.