Resource Type: Articles

How to Respond When Friends Reveal Tension in Their Marriage

It usually begins with a simple admission. But that admission changes everything. 

One minute you’re exchanging small talk with a friend over coffee. Then, out of the blue, your friend blurts out, “John and I had a horrible fight last night.” 

Suddenly it’s no longer just idle chitchat; your friend is divulging serious stuff about her marriage. She may be reaching for a tissue, or fuming in frustration. And you — how are you feeling at this point? 

 

If you’re like most people, you’re at least a little uncomfortable by now. And it’s not just because you’re upset over your friend’s distress or feeling awkward about being privy to very personal details. For most of us, if we’re wise, there’s something more. We also feel a weighty sense of caution. 

 

It’s not as if our friend is simply struggling with a mouthy teenager or a difficult boss. Conflict between a married couple is unique. We’re the outsider here, and we certainly don’t want to make a misstep that wounds the marriage even more. 

So what should we say — and what should we not say — if we want to help our friend? Here are some guidelines to help. 

Don’t rush to offer advice 

In a U.S. survey of relationship advice shared between friends, Bill Doherty, director and professor at the University of Minnesota’s Family Social Science department, found that many people bungle it when friends turn to them for help. High numbers of confiders reported their friends’ responses were unhelpful, hurtful or even harmful to their marriage. 

And the No. 1 blunder confidants make? It seems we’re much too quick to dispense “Dear Abby” advice. “The most common mistake people make is early advice, premature advice or specific advice,” says Doherty. 

Very often, friends troubled by conflict with their spouse just want to be comforted and encouraged by a neutral third party who will listen to them and pray for them. 

When a friend confides in us, we can feel pressure to offer wise counsel — to prove our friend’s trust in us was not misplaced — but often that’s not what our friend is after. In fact, our friend may very well resent advice that wasn’t asked for or resent the presumption that we immediately have the solution for a painful, complex issue. 

Very often, friends troubled by conflict with their spouse just want to be comforted and encouraged by a neutral third party who will listen to them and pray for them. We can serve our friends well when we remember we’re not a trained counsellor and focus instead on doing what friends do best. 

Do evaluate risk and appropriateness 

As a good friend and confidant, our most pressing responsibility is to triage the situation. That means listening carefully for clues that suggest that either they, their spouse or their marriage might be in immediate danger. 

In his training sessions, Doherty astutely teaches Marital First Responders to be alert for signs of the triple-A threats: 

  • Abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) 
  • Addictions 

In addition, it’s important to watch for: 

  • The possibility of divorce 
  • Thoughts of suicide 

If you see signs of any of these threats, don’t try to support your friend alone: Your friend urgently needs professional help. 

Also remember that understanding what your friend is thinking is just as important as following the events they’re recounting. Your friend may be in denial, confused or not fully comprehending the seriousness of their situation. Friends help friends find the help they need. And if necessary, friends gently convince friends of their need. So don’t be thrown off guard when your friend downplays their situation with comments like: 

  • “If I’d had the kids ready on time like I’m supposed to, he wouldn’t have been so mad.” 
  • “I really value my co-worker’s friendship. She helps me understand where my wife’s coming from.” 
  • “I know I overreacted a bit. I just need the wine to relax, that’s all.” 

Check for appropriateness 

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for a friend is to put the brakes on what they’re sharing about their husband or wife. (And who hasn’t, at one time or another, slipped up and shared a little too indiscriminately about his or her spouse?) 

It’s a good habit to ask yourself, right up front, Does my friend legitimately need to talk through this frustration — or will I help his or her marriage even more by halting them from violating his or her spouse’s trust?) 

In their book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, Joe and Michelle Williams warn that highly personal information about a spouse should not be divulged to friends without first obtaining the spouse’s permission. In particular, they warn against sharing about: 

  • Sexual problems 
  • Private struggles your spouse has told you in confidence or that only the two of you know about (except for abuse or other illegal activities, of course) 
  • Childhood trauma or abuse that your spouse has not shared publicly 
  • Past sins that your spouse has confessed and repented of 
  • Anything your spouse has shared in detail during a counselling session 
  • Negative comments about someone else — especially another family member — that your spouse may have told you in private 

Our role, as a concerned friend, is to support our friend by supporting their marriage. It’s not our role to figure out who is right and who is wrong.  

Don’t take sides 

Counsellors are trained to remain objective when hearing complaints from one spouse against the other. But for us — a sympathetic friend without the benefit of similar training — staying neutral in the face of our friend’s or close relative’s distress can be surprisingly difficult. All the same, remaining objective is crucial. 

Our role, as a concerned friend, is to support our friend by supporting their marriage. It’s not our role to figure out who is right and who is wrong. We’re only hearing one side of the story, and even then, we’re only hearing what our friend is choosing to reveal. 

“In trying to show our friend sympathy, we can easily slide into making negative comments about their spouse and to start taking sides,” warns Wendy Kittlitz, vice president of counselling and care ministries at Focus on the Family Canada. “We might say things like, ‘How could he say that? What a jerk!’ Instead of being helpful, we’re adding fuel to our friend’s negative feelings about their spouse, and we can do a lot of damage.” 

Within families, the instinctive urge to console and protect a wounded daughter, son, sister or brother by siding against the “in-law” is especially strong. Leaving one spouse feeling alienated and maligned, however, just throws one more tricky hurdle in a couple’s path to reconciliation. Also remember that even the “supported” spouse will very likely feel insulted by negative attitudes toward his or her partner.  

Do offer empathy 

Offering empathy is a powerful way to help a friend without diminishing their marriage. 

“When we rehearse grievances about our spouse with another person, it often makes those grievances grow in our mind,” says Kittlitz. “A good friend doesn’t inflame those grievances, but calms the situation down, and a good way to do that is by showing empathy.” 

To show constructive empathy, focus the discussion on your hurting friend’s feelings — not on their spouse or their spouse’s offense. You’ll know you’re headed in the right direction if you use the words I and you a lot. You can say things like: 

  • “I’m sorry you have to go through something so painful.” 
  • “I’m guessing you’re really confused right now.” 
  • “It sounds like you’re extremely hurt and disappointed. I would be too.” 

With calmer feelings comes greater clarity – often including the realisation that both spouses contributed to the problem. 

Listen for softer feelings hidden under intense feelings like anger, says Doherty. “Almost always underneath those hard feelings are the softer feelings, like I feel sad, I feel hurt, I feel insecure. People often lead with the hard, protective feelings, but the softer, more vulnerable feelings are often a pathway towards understanding and healing.”  

When hurts have been acknowledged and validated, calmer feelings usually follow. And with calmer feelings comes greater clarity – often including the realisation that both spouses contributed to the problem. 

Offer perspective, maybe 

Often a good friend and confidant who knows the couple well can speak life and hope into the situation by offering a more balanced perspective. 

In contrast to giving advice, offering perspective is not directive (i.e., pushy). It’s a much more sensitive approach that waits to ensure the hurting friend feels heard and understood before gently suggesting alternative (and more positive) ways of looking at the situation. 

Here are some examples of how you might halt a friend’s runaway train of negative thoughts regarding their spouse’s motives or character: 

  • “I’m not certain he intentionally set out to hurt you by doing that. What do you think?” 
  • “John’s a pretty complex guy. Can you imagine hidden stresses and fears that might have prompted him to say that?” 
  • “I hear you when you say John doesn’t handle money well — you would know much more about that than I — but there are other things about John you can be proud of. I’ve always admired how much time he devotes to you and the kids. He’s a real family man.” 

Help them identify issues they may not realise are common to many couples and usually temporary: 

  • “I’ve heard a lot of other couples say the same thing: Having little kids leaves little time or energy for a great sex life. But it does get better.” 
  • “I think middle-age crisis really is legit. I know several couples who hit a real rough patch. But the feelings of dissatisfaction do settle down again — and many people say the second half of life is the most satisfying.” 

When you next find yourself sitting across the table from one of your distraught friends, you may feel that you have little to offer other than empathy. But don’t underestimate the value of your friends’ feeling heard and understood, and of knowing they have a trusted friend who cares about them — and who also cares about their marriage. 

© 2016, 2025 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved. Used with permission. 

3 Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Peer Pressure

Secondary school was the first place where I learnt about peer pressure, both from firsthand experiences and watching others go through it. One valuable lesson not only taught me about dealing with peer pressure but showed me that it was possible to say no and to be a champion and stand up to it. 

We had one phone line in our house in those days — a very different experience than everyone having a mobile phone. We had several phones at home that tied into that single phone line. One afternoon, the phone rang. I was in the back of the house near one phone, while my twin brother Jeff was in the kitchen near the other one. We both picked up the phone at the same moment. 

“Hello?” Jeff said before I could speak, not knowing I was listening on the other line. 

“Hey, Jeff, this is Willie.” 

“What’s up?” Jeff asked. 

“We’re having a sleepover tomorrow night, and we want you to come.” 

“Sounds good.” 

“One more thing,” Willie continued. “The guys and I were talking, and we only want you to come. Don’t bring your brother, John.” 

There was a long pause. 

That’s a lot of pressure for a secondary school student. These weren’t just any guys inviting Jeff over for a sleepover; they were the cool guys. But he was also being pressured to do something that would hurt another person — in this case, his brother. There are many people, siblings or not, who would have given in to the crowd and who would have put their need for acceptance over doing what’s right for someone else. Not everyone would risk being shamed or cut off. 

My heart raced as I listened. Jeff finally spoke. “No way, Willie. If you want me to come, then John is coming too. You get both of us or neither of us.” 

“Uh… Well, okay.” Willie started backtracking like crazy. “It was just going to be kind of crowded. But no problem. He can come too.” 

Years later, I told Jeff that I had been on the other line during that conversation and how much his saying no had meant to me. His decision to stand up to peer pressure was something I’ve never forgotten. 

Kids and peer pressure 

You may have a child who, like Jeff, seems to have been born resistant to peer pressure. Your child is someone who the crowd can try to push all day, but they don’t budge. They have a firm sense of right and wrong, plus a sense of independence that doesn’t seem to care about what the crowd wants. 

However, it’s just as likely that you have the opposite type of child — one more like me. 

Because of their personality, desire to be popular, or a long list of other reasons, these kids can struggle with peer pressure. These kids need to know and learn that they can become peer pressure champions. It just takes a little bit of help and a parent who is willing to work with them. 

Here are three things that can help them deal with peer pressure. 

1. Help your kids learn how to spot peer pressure  

As your child moves into adolescence, they need to see what peer pressure is in real-life situations. You can use a definition of peer pressure that helps kids to understand the reality behind the term, for example: 

“Peer pressure is when someone wants you to move a boundary and cross a line you know you shouldn’t cross. These people do that by pushing you with their words: pressuring you with threats of cutting ties or wearing you down by continually nudging you to do something.”  

The two sides of peer pressure 
Once you’ve shared this definition with your kids, it’s time to narrow it down. Help your child to realise that the time is coming when they will face the two sides of peer pressure: 

        1) “I can’t miss it”, and 

        2) “It’s not going to hurt anyone”. 

The “I can’t miss it” side of peer pressure comes when someone flat out asks your child to erase or ignore a boundary. For instance, they may ask them to take drugs or do something illegal or harmful. Often, when a child says no to this thing they can’t miss, the person pressuring them may move to a sneakier tactic. 

Here is where someone tries to water down the consequences and make it look more attractive. They may say, “Come on. It’s not going to hurt anyone.” Perhaps they’ll use the phrase, “Everyone is doing it.” 

2. Teach your kids how to deal with peer pressure 

Once you’ve shared what peer pressure is, give your kids some tools to use when the challenge is real. Here are four tools that we gave to our kids. We encourage you to sit down with some older parents and determine which things helped their children. Come up with a list of tools for your kids as well. Chances are, you’ll create your own list of tools for your kids to choose from when they need them most.

A. Give your kids permission to make you the bad guy
We permitted our daughters to make us the bad guys anytime they needed to get out of doing something wrong. For example, a friend at school once asked them to go to a party they knew they shouldn’t attend. We always had things on the list for the girls to do, whether it be chores or a family movie night so that they could say in all honesty, “That sounds like you’re going to have a great time. But my parents have something going on that I need to help them with.” It was one option they could use when they needed to say no to peer pressure. 

Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances. 


B. Be their driver 24/7/365. All they have to do is call. 
We told both of our girls that if they ever got into a situation where someone was pushing them to cross a boundary or had made a wrong choice for themselves, that they could call us anytime. 24/7. No questions asked. They knew they had an escape clause from challenging situations, and each of them used it several times. 

We did talk about the circumstances later. But at that moment when the phone rang, and we knew it was a call for help, our daughters knew they wouldn’t hear a lecture right then. We never demanded an explanation or poured shame on them during the car ride home. For example, one instance was the night the girls left a movie and ended up at a party. They knew they needed to leave. They knew we were a phone call — not an angry lecture — away. Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances.

C. Give them a code word if they need help
In addition to knowing that we would come to pick them up anytime, we gave our daughters a code word to use as well. For example, there were days that the phone would ring, and I’d hear, “Hey, Dad.” The tone in their voice made it clear that something was wrong. 

So we’d say to our daughter, “Say blue if you’re having fun or green if you want us to come and get you.” The code word gave them a way of calling for help if they were in a situation where they couldn’t talk openly. 

Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

D. Role play saying “No”
Helping your kids be comfortable with the word “no” before they get into a challenging situation is critical. For some kids, role-playing the three previous steps can help make them more comfortable standing up to peer pressure. Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

3. Coach them on how to live through the response  

You’ve defined peer pressure for your kids and have given them some tools to use when facing that pressure. But it’s also essential that you coach them on how to be ready for the other person’s reaction. 

If someone asks or pushes you to do something you don’t feel is right, if they are a real friend and are wise, they will back off when you’re saying no. Real friends won’t try another track to try and get you to cave in. Instead, they will respect your boundaries and will love and respect you more for calling them out. 

However, if you try and correct someone who refuses to listen, they will often get angry with you. 

Talk with your kids now about how, even if someone gets upset that you won’t go along with their demands, you don’t have to give in to their anger. They can call you as a parent, move away from that person, or get help from another friend or adult. 

If someone keeps pushing your child to do the wrong thing, tell them it’s okay to redefine the relationship. Let them know that it’s okay to still care for that person, but perhaps it’s time to move from being best friends to someone you say hello to at school. Coach your kids that they have a choice not to allow anyone to push them into doing wrong. They always have the option of saying no. 

Becoming a peer pressure champion 

Peer pressure is real. Be sure to talk about dealing with peer pressure early and often, as it will become a reality the older they get. Help your kids spot peer pressure, gain tools to deal with it, and be strong enough to deal with someone’s reaction to their saying no. Mastering these three tips will help your kid become a peer pressure champion. 

© 2020 Focus on the Family and Dr. John Trent. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Published at focusonthefamily.com. 

Managing Expectations Around Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, along with the flood of social media posts and grand expressions of love that follow suit. Between bouquets of roses and bookings at fancy restaurants, this social phenomenon builds an idea of love that is founded on big gestures. 

But does the absence of flowers really indicate an absence of love? 

Often, our idea of love is shaped by our background—our culture, family, social circles, etc.—and what the modern world tells us is that when someone loves you, they spend on you. As we look at the curated highlights of relationships online, we may start to form a rose‑tinted view of what affection looks like. With that, our brains are primed to expect much, and even if we don’t necessarily agree with these expectations, we may still be influenced by them in one way or another. 

When reality doesn’t meet expectation, disappointment and insecurity can arise and create tension in relationships, and if we’re not careful, they can end up coming between us and our partner. But what we need to realise is this: love can be expressed in many different forms, not just stereotypical ones—and if we are able to open ourselves up to receive it as it comes, we can experience much more satisfaction in our relationship. 

Although your partner might have missed out on the long love note you were hoping for, perhaps they’ve been loving you in quieter ways that have gone unnoticed. And while unmet hopes can be disappointing, they do not immediately signal a lack of care or devotion. So how do we navigate expectations in a way that holds space for love to flourish in the relationship? 

Managing your own expectations  

Having desires is normal – We all have basic needs to be seen, understood and valued. The problem comes when our hopes become unrealistic, uncommunicated, or inflexible. 

Here are some strategies to manage your expectations so they don’t inadvertently sabotage your happiness: 

  1. Reflect on the deeper need 

Often, unmet hopes reflect a deeper need. For example, “I’m not upset about not receiving flowers from my significant other. I’m upset because I appreciate flowers, and when he buys them, I feel seen and valued. When he doesn’t, what hurts is the feeling that my need to be noticed and appreciated hasn’t been met.” 

Our emotions have many layers, and often our initial emotional response may lend weight to something deeper. If you find yourself upset by something seemingly superficial, it may be worth considering if there’s a deeper need beneath it, and if there is, is it your partner’s responsibility to meet that need for you? 

  1. Discuss your expectations

Unfortunately, your partner is not a mind reader. Social media often pushes the idea that “If he wanted to, he would”. However, the reality is that our partners may come from different backgrounds from us or simply have different ways of thinking. Expressing our desires in a clear yet loving way can both strengthen trust and reduce misunderstanding. The less room we leave for assumptions, the better.  

This can sound like: “I feel __ when you __, and I would prefer if you ___”, which softens defensiveness and opens space for real listening. 

Additionally, verbalising your wishes isn’t just about coming up with a list of demands. It’s also about opening the opportunity to discuss if the desire is realistic. While expressing your expectations are good, it can be unfair to your partner if those wishes don’t consider their preferences. Talk it out and be willing to meet in the middle. 

When you begin to notice the effort and love that your partner has put into the relationship, it can also help you to hold less tightly to the expectations you have of them. 

  1. Stay curious, not critical 

Loving your partner means opening yourself up to receive the love they show you. If we come to the relationship without assumptions about what they should be doing for us, we can cultivate a curiosity that leads to appreciation and nourishing acts. When you begin to notice the effort and love that your partner has put into the relationship, it can also help you to hold less tightly to the expectations you have of them.  

Research shows that responsiveness, or the feeling that your partner understands, supports and values you is key to relationship satisfaction. This responsiveness is built not just through costly gestures but through the small everyday acts of love that promote security and trust in the relationship. As such, learning to appreciate and celebrate the little things can be pivotal in relationship building. 

When you’re facing your partner’s high expectations  

While learning how to be responsive in your relationship is important, caving in to your partner’s ideal hopes can sometimes be unrealistic or unsustainable and may ultimately be detrimental to your relationship. Here are some ways you can navigate through the expectations in a way that’s loving to both you and your partner. 

  1. Understanding their perspectives 

Conversations about desires can become a context to building mutual understanding between you and your partner. Our desires are shaped by our past experiences – family dynamics, past relationships, cultural beliefs etc., and often unrealistic expectations may be tied to unmet needs. By approaching these conversations with empathy and understanding, we show our partner that we care about their perspectives. This can lead to greater insight into where their desires stem from – and what they really need — allowing you both to address the real issue.

  1. Acknowledge the need 

When it comes to addressing the real issue, people often just want to feel heard and understood. So, listening actively and acknowledging your partner’s needs can help to ease their frustration, even before working out what needs to happen. Through clarification, you may realise that you can meet the underlying needs in a way that makes sense to you both.  

Setting clear but loving boundaries can prevent misinterpretation – it’s vital for your partner to understand that your inability to meet their expectations does not reflect how much you value them or how committed you are. 

  1. Setting clear but loving boundaries 

Relationships are about give and take, and it’s vital to recognise when it’s important to agree to your partners requests and when not to. If there are expectations that you cannot reasonably meet, it’s important to communicate that honestly before frustration builds up.  

Setting clear but loving boundaries can prevent misinterpretation – it’s vital for your partner to understand that your inability to meet their expectations does not reflect how much you value them or how committed you are. Here’s where using “I” statements with tact and love can be helpful.

For example,  “I want you to feel celebrated and loved, especially during special occasions, but I’m also trying to be more intentional about how we spend our money. Maybe we can come up with traditions that focus more on time together than on big purchases.”  

These conversations, along with compromise and collaboration, allow your relationship to become a safe space to navigate through expectations together. 

Expectations are not a bad thing, and part of growing in relationships is figuring out how to navigate through them together. It’s a balancing act of both learning how to meet each other’s needs and appreciating the care that is already present in your relationship, even if it’s less obvious.  

As we learn how to celebrate love in the different ways it comes, let’s hold onto each other with grace and patience. 

Identity in an AI-Driven World

Technology profoundly affects how we think about the world and imagine our role in it, both of which shape our sense of self. In an AI-driven world, we wonder if the question of human identity can finally be answered, or if it leaves us more lost than ever.  

What is AI? 

AI is a broad spectrum of technological capabilities that mimics human intelligence in areas such as decision-making and pattern recognition. In this sense, AI isn’t entirely new, and has brought about significant improvements to our way of life. 

However, AI is rapidly gaining dominance in our everyday lives, as its capabilities continue to develop powerfully at a pace ahead of legal and ethical frameworks needed to preserve and protect public good.  

Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

 How is AI shaping human identity?  

Traditionally, a person’s identity is shaped by external structures such as family, religious institutions and social communities. In other words, the human identity is given and learnt by subscribing to a higher authority, and an understanding of the self can only be found in relation to outward-directed activities with others.  

Shifts in worldview have challenged this traditional approach to understanding human identity and the self. In today’s AI-driven, postmodern culture, identity is increasingly seen as something constructed inwardly, based on one’s subjective feelings and desires. Uninhibited self-expression becomes one’s highest goal, with the highest authority being the individual. This is the worldview behind language such as “you do you”, “live your truth”, and “follow your heart”. 

All of us hold multiple identities depending on our culture, community, work, and family; however, our core human identity remains universal. Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

While AI didn’t directly cause this major shift in worldview on identity, its (growing) powerful capabilities has supercharged this trajectory in some areas. 

Confusion 

When we equate our feelings to our identity, we confuse how we are for who we are. With AI’s text-to-image and photo-editing capabilities becoming more realistic, and as its algorithms learn and predict how we use technology, the line between real and virtual is slowly disappearing. As a result, youths today are more vulnerable to embracing alternative identities that are detached from objective reality, with real-world consequences.  

In the last decade, there has been a sudden, unprecedented spike in transgender identification among teenage girls, commonly referred to as “rapid onset gender dysphoria”. Social media platforms, especially those driven by AI recommendations, may have contributed to this rise. Some young people have made life‑changing decisions based on ideas they encountered online, sometimes with lasting consequences.   

In 2024, an independent report from England known as the Cass Review found that the evidence for using puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones in children under 18 was weak, with many unknown long-term effects.  

As more children turn to and depend on under-regulated AI chatbots (such as character.ai) for questions on their identity, there is cause for concern. These chatbots are persuasive and engaging, but they’re also shaped by data and perspectives they were trained on. Like any technology, they can carry biases and blind spots. Without proper safeguards, they may influence vulnerable young people in ways beyond their ability to fully understand.  

AI models are designed and trained to pander to our sexual orientation, inner desires, or subjective feelings as our identity, because their aim is to optimise user interaction rather than give us the truth about who we are. 

Objectification  

Deepfakes are AI-generated media such as images, sounds or videos that are convincingly real – except, they aren’t. At least not entirely. The same accessible tool that has been invaluable in helping restore old photographs and memories, has also been used for malicious ends such as generating deepfake porn.  

There is a troubling global rise in the misuse of children’s images to create deepfake sexual content. Similarly in Singapore, deepfake porn is a growing menace, even in schools. A recent example is the discovery that Grok, the AI bot on social media platform X, had been generating non‑consensual sexually explicit deepfakes involving women and children. 

These apps require no training or specialised skills to utilise, yet provide professional results with just a few clicks and simple prompts. In other words, objectifying another human person for one’s own sexual gratification is now simpler than ever, with AI capabilities.  

History has no lack of examples for the devastating consequences of objectifying fellow humans. Whenever we objectify others, we not only deny them their dignity, we are also rejecting the true worth of our identity. To be fair, this issue of objectification with porn has long existed before AI, but AI has significantly compounded this issue, with women and children suffering the most. 

Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 

What can we do about it?  

With AI, it is tempting to believe that our identity is malleable according to our preferences and desires, and the world is our raw resource for constructing our identity, our way. However, our true identity and worth as humans cannot be found in a particular feeling, sexual orientation, or physical appearance. To hold on to this truth, we must become even more human in an AI world. 

For parents, educators, or adults who care about the identity confusion among our children and want to provide the clarity they deserve, here are a few suggestions: 

  • Use our words thoughtfully and accurately to help them discern what’s real versus what’s not. When we say something is ‘real,’ we mean it is supported by truth e.g. “sex is determined at conception” is scientific truth, not “assigned at birth”. 
  • Invest time to read, learn, and be equipped to lead and influence our children with truth, clarity, and kindness. Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 
  • Model and advocate the right way to use AI – learning to master it instead of being mastered.  
  • Affirm their inherent worth by the way we treat them – choosing to always speak and act with respect. 

How to Build a Good Relationship with Your In-Laws

You fell in love with their child, but gained the whole family too! Sometimes, marriage can feel like a buy one, get more deal. As you navigate marriage and grow your own nuclear family, how do you embrace your spouse’s family while keeping healthy boundaries? Is it possible to avoid in-law tensions and even have a thriving relationship with your in-laws?  

Common areas of tension 

When two singles marry, they suddenly gain another set of parents and siblings. Their available time remains the same, while their commitments increase. A common source of tension then becomes the amount of time spent with each other’s family, especially during festive seasons like Chinese New Year.  

Raymond and Jenny, life coaches married for over 20 years, shared that in the early years of their marriage, they went to Raymond’s parents’ house weekly. This became a stress point as life got busier with kids.  

Jenny shared, “Many of us start off with in-law issues with a “me versus them” mentality. If you are taking the side of your parents, you’re against me. Why don’t you stand up for me? Why don’t you disagree with your parents? And so, we’re forcing our partner to take sides and that’s very unhelpful in a relationship.” 

Raymond added that the situation was made worse by his belief that only he knows how to love his parents best, and she doesn’t know them like he does.  

This added to the “me vs you” mode they found themselves in, until they learnt to see each other’s perspective. Jenny realised that Raymond was learning how to be a filial son while also growing into his role as a husband.  

They noted that having different role models from one’s families of origin will also shape different perspectives. For example, if your grandparents lived with your parents, that arrangement may feel normal to you. You might then expect your own family to follow the same pattern. 

If both husband and wife consciously choose to love each other’s parents rather than withdraw, it creates a sense of safety for both parties.

Strive for unity

Recognising that both of you are working towards the best outcome can ease the tension of differing preferences. When you see yourselves as teammates working together, it fosters a sense of togetherness instead of division.

If both husband and wife consciously choose to love each other’s parents rather than withdraw, it creates a sense of safety for both parties. Without this, each party may constantly feel the need to protect their own parents’ interests and carry the burden alone when faced with challenges.

Once you establish that you are on the same team, it becomes much easier to come up with solutions. In Raymond and Jenny’s case, when weekly parental visits started replacing date nights, they explored creative alternatives like flexible scheduling.

Instead of fixed weekly visits, they opted for Sunday lunches, weekday dinners when work allowed, or even bringing Raymond’s parents out for a meal. Other times, they brought desserts as a special treat. Knowing that visiting Raymond’s parents on weekend “prime time” wasn’t cast in stone made it easier to balance family time without feeling overwhelmed.

It also means creating space for your spouse’s voice and input, which communicates that you love and value them.

Raymond said, “When I learnt to love my wife first by trying her suggestions, it was a huge realisation that she actually can help me love my parents even more”.

When navigating tensions, each of them are also responsible for being the main spokesperson to their own parents.

Set each other up for the win

The best teammates choose to set each other up for the win.

When your in-laws’ and spouse’s opinions differ, avoid placing the blame on your spouse. Protect your spouse by not using his or her as a reason for the issue. Instead, own the disagreement and try to find common ground.

Jenny shared a great tip that works for them – “One thing that Raymond does is he always allows me to break the good news and he manages the bad news. For example, if he needs to turn them down, he would let them know. If I wanted to bring them out for a nice dinner or a holiday, he would allow me to share that news.”

When navigating tensions, each of them are also responsible for being the main spokesperson to their own parents. This ensures that they do not need to take up the “bad guy” role when relating to their in-laws.

These days, after earlier years of going to every Chinese New Year visitation, Raymond and Jenny now speak to their parents separately to decide which relatives are “must-visits”. This takes the stress out of managing time and energy constraints and creates a happier festive season for all, while still meeting parental expectations.

This is done in an honouring way, expressed through open communication and mutual respect. As Raymond shares, “The way we honour our parents and in-laws is also a role model for the children. And we have the ability to reshape some of this in terms of how we navigate difficult relationships with people who are closest to us.”

After all, having a good relationship with your in-laws not just positively impacts your spouse. It also shapes the emotional environment your children grow up in, influencing how they learn to value and care for family.

Recognising PTSD: How Counselling Can Help You Heal

When Sarah returned home after a traumatic car accident while she was travelling with her family in Japan, she thought she could simply “move on.” But weeks later, she found herself startled by loud noises, avoiding driving altogether, and waking up drenched in sweat from recurring nightmares about the incident. It wasn’t until she spoke to a counsellor that she realised these were signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and that help was available. 

Sarah’s story is not uncommon. Trauma can leave invisible wounds that affect how we think, feel, and live. But here is the good news: Healing is possible, and counselling can be a powerful first step. 

What is PTSD? 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event, such as an accident, abuse, sexual violence, or actual or threatened sudden loss of life. While it’s normal to feel shaken after trauma, PTSD symptoms persist and interfere with daily life. 

Signs You Might Be Experiencing PTSD 

PTSD looks different for everyone, but common signs include: 

    • Intrusive memories: Flashbacks or nightmares about the event 
    • Avoidance: Steering clear of places, people, activities or thoughts that remind you of the trauma 
    • Heightened reactivity: Irritable behavior and angry outbursts, easily startled, unable to concentrate
    • Negative mood changes: Persistent negative thoughts and feelings, feeling detached or estranged from others
    • Physical symptoms: Trouble sleeping, feeling tense, unable to relax or fatigue 

If these symptoms develop and disrupt your daily functioning after experiencing something traumatic, it may be time to seek help.   

How Counselling Can Help

Counselling offers a safe, confidential space to process trauma and regain control.

Professional support can help you: 

    • Understand and manage the impact of the trauma: Learn to accept what happened, and how that changed you 
    • Reprocess the thoughts developed that keep you stuck: Embrace alternative perspectives rooted in reality for more holistic and balanced thinking that would serve you well
    • Develop coping resources: Learn grounding and mindfulness techniques to manage stress and emotionally regulate, and address sleep through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), and meet emotional and relational needs adaptively

Evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and that is trauma-informed have helped countless individuals recover from what happened and live adaptively.

“PTSD can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to know that recovery is possible, and it’s not about re-experiencing the traumatic event” says Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore. “Counselling provides a safe space to re-process what happened, it’s impact, and learn skills to manage one’s emotions, and eventually meet one’s emotional and relational needs adaptively.” 

Practical steps toward healing  

If you suspect PTSD symptoms might be developing, here are some steps you can take: 

1. Reach out for help   

The first step is often the hardest, but also the most important. Speaking to a counsellor or mental health professional can help you make sense of what you’re experiencing and guide you toward recovery. You don’t have to face this alone. 

2. Talk to someone you trust

Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can ease the sense of isolation that often comes with PTSD. You don’t need to share every vivid detail, but just letting someone know you’re struggling can be a relief and a source of support.

3. Practice grounding techniques

When anxiety or flashbacks hit, grounding techniques can help you stay present. Simple practices like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or repeating calming phrases can reduce distress and remind you that you are safe now. 

4. Maintain routines

Trauma can make life feel unpredictable. Keeping a regular routine—whether it’s meals, exercise, or bedtime—can provide a sense of stability and control. Small, consistent habits can make a big difference in your emotional well-being.

5. Avoid self-blame

PTSD is what happened to you, not a sign of weakness or failure. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is valid and that healing takes time. Self-compassion is an essential and important part of recovery.

When Sarah finally reached out for help, her counsellor guided her through trauma-informed therapy, helping her understand her triggers and develop coping strategies. At first, progress felt slow, but she concentrated on celebrating her small victories, like beginning to drive short distances with her husband beside her in the passenger seat, or sleeping through the night without the disruption of nightmares. Each small step she took built her confidence. Over time, the nightmares faded, and the constant tension eased. 

Today, Sarah describes herself as “stronger than before.” She still has moments of anxiety when she is behind the wheel, but her counsellor taught her that healing is not about forgetting the past—it’s about reclaiming life in the present and finding courage and hope again. Her story reminds us that recovery is possible, and no one has to walk this road alone.  

Our counselling services provide compassionate, professional support tailored to your needs. Make an enquiry today. 

What Husbands Need to Know About Menopause

I recently saw a couple in my office for a medical visit. The husband insisted on accompanying his wife, who was in her mid 50’s, into the exam room because he wanted to make sure she relayed all of her symptoms and all the things that were going on in her life. He immediately commandeered the examination: “First of all, she just isn’t interested in having sex with me anymore, and she does everything that she can to avoid being intimate with me.” The wife put her head down in embarrassment. 

I shifted the conversation to the patient and asked, “Have you noticed any significant changes in your behaviour or the way you feel lately?” She launched into a lengthy list of symptoms: depression, severe hot flashes and night sweats, forgetfulness. She also reported waking up three to four times each night and lacking energy. Without a doubt I knew what she was dealing with — menopause. 

She finished by saying, “I don’t want to have sex because I feel so ugly and unattractive, and also because it hurts so much now.” The husband sat there, his mouth open in disbelief. “Wow,” he said when he regained his speech. “That’s the first time that I’ve heard any of that.” 

His wife said, “I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was embarrassed to tell you.” 

A natural time of life

Sadly, this woman’s feelings about what was happening in her life — there’s something wrong with me — are shared by too many women. While menopause can come with discomforts and inconveniences, it is not a disease or abnormality. It’s a natural time in a woman’s life, and most of the things a woman experiences at this time are typical. 

Menopause is the point in life when a woman’s ovaries begin to significantly decrease production of the hormones oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Oestrogen and progesterone are the two principle female hormones, while testosterone, although commonly thought of as a male hormone, is produced in small amounts in the ovaries and adrenal glands. In women, testosterone plays an important role in sexual desire and energy enhancement. 

Menopause is defined as 12 months of going without a menstrual period. The most common symptoms are hot flashes, sweating, increased irritability and mood changes, sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating and thinning of hair on the head. Vaginal dryness resulting in painful intercourse often occurs later. 

Menopause doesn’t occur at a specific age, although the average age it begins is just over 51 years. If a woman’s ovaries are surgically removed, she enters what is known as surgical menopause. 

It’s a natural time in a woman’s life, and most of the things a woman experiences at this time are typical. 

The effects of relationships

While menopause is natural and normal, husbands and wives are often caught off guard by changes in their marriage relationship. Many husbands become confused by the behaviour of their wife during menopause. The first thing men often notice is a decrease in sexual desire by their spouse. 

As both partners age, a decrease in the frequency of sexual intimacy is normal, but during menopause some women have a significant loss of desire — or begin to experience so much discomfort with intercourse that they choose to avoid contact. The husband may not understand what’s going on and feel rejected or even suspicious that his wife is interested in someone else. 

If a couple is already experiencing marital problems, then moodiness, irritability, confusion and sudden outbursts of anger may add another level of difficulty. Counselling may be necessary for both spouses during this crucial time of hormonal change. 

 

Actions and attitudes

Menopause doesn’t necessarily spell trouble for a relationship. The key to stabilising and strengthening the marriage is to embrace this new season of the marriage. Every marriage goes through transitions. You have the opportunity to create some new normal for your relationship. 

Communicating through this season of change is extremely important. It’s critical for the husband to show deep understanding and compassion for his wife. (He should remember that while he didn’t ask for this, neither did she.) The husband needs to avoid blaming and shaming his wife for what is in many ways beyond her control. 

He should be curious about her feelings and emotional needs during this transition. Ask questions like, “How are you doing emotionally? How can I best show you love in the midst of menopause? How can I best encourage you through this season?” 

Women should likewise extend grace to themselves. The feelings and emotional disruptions they undergo are the result of dramatic hormonal changes. 

The key to stabilising and strengthening the marriage is to embrace this new season of the marriage. 

A woman can often benefit from the care of a qualified medical professional, who can provide information about menopause and treatments for discomforting symptoms. Similarly, the counsel of a licensed therapist can be valuable in dealing with relationship issues. Research shows, however, that only about 20 per cent of women feel comfortable enough to discuss their symptoms with their health care professional, and many women struggle through this time without the support they need. Setting aside time to talk with other women who are going through menopause can also help. 

A well balanced diet; regular exercise; interacting with others; and taking appropriate vitamin and mineral supplements can also help. (Talk with your health care professional before taking any new supplements, as some can interact with other drugs you may be taking.) Finally, it is of utmost importance that you talk with family members about how you are feeling. 

Menopause does not have to be the beginning of a downhill course in life, or of relational difficulties. Nor does it mean the end of your sexual life. Many couples find greater sexual intimacy and fulfilment as they grow closer to each other. 

© 2017, 2025 Dr. W. David Hager. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com. 

How to Talk to Your Child About an Affair

It’s a conversation no parent ever imagines having. Yet, when an affair has impacted your family, the question inevitably arises: Should I talk to my child about it? What can I say as needed, and what should I leave out to protect them?

Children are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. Even if they don’t know the details, they can sense when something is wrong—tension in the home, whispered arguments, or a parent suddenly moving out. So how can we approach this delicate topic with wisdom, honesty, and care?

Choosing whether and what to say

In their book “Getting Past the Affair”, Professors Snyder, Baucom and Gordon advise parents that “In deciding what to say and do, make your children’s well-being your top concern.”1 With this in mind, carefully consider whether sharing about the affair would be in your children’s best interests, and ensure the age appropriateness of your sharing.

It would be beneficial for both of you to talk to your children together. Having both parents present conveys that this is a challenge which you will work through together, and can prevent either one of you from accusing each other. Furthermore, children often have questions, and having both parents present makes it easier to provide clear and consistent answers.

Also, even if you’re deeply hurt, resist the urge to paint the other parent in a negative light. Your child still loves them—and needs to. Speaking poorly about your spouse can confuse and hurt your child. Avoid blaming language like “Your father hurt me,” or “Your mother ruined everything.” Children should never feel like they have to take sides.

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Before and after an affair, regardless of whether the marriage survives, children naturally feel loyalty to both parents. If this loyalty is not acknowledged and respected, it can lead to emotional and relational distress, which may harm both the children and the overall family dynamic.” 

Primary and tween years (7-12)

For younger children, it may not be advisable to tell them explicitly that one of you had an affair. Instead, it could suffice to let them know that Mum and Dad are having difficulties getting along and feeling unhappy with each other at the moment. You might say, “Mum and Dad are facing a grownup problem, and we are getting help to work through this problem together.” 

Children also often internalise conflict. They may wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” or “If I had behaved better, would this have happened?” Reassure them clearly and repeatedly that they did not cause this situation to happen and that it’s not their fault. You can say, “One of us made a mistake that hurt the other. We’re working through it, and we want you to know it’s not your fault.”

The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing.

Teen and emerging years (13-19) 

Though it will still be as painful and difficult to accept, sharing with a teenager about an affair might be more advisable as they would be better able to process the situation and their emotions. Furthermore, they may already suspect or know more than you think. With them, honesty is important—but so is discretion. The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing. 

Remember to share only what is necessary, constantly thinking through if the content of your sharing is in your children’s best interests. Honesty builds trust, but that doesn’t mean sharing every painful detail. Instead, focus on the truth in a way that protects your teen’s emotional well-being. Regardless of age, all children need reassurance that they are loved and safe.

It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain.

Provide stability and support

Your children may react with shock, sadness, anger and confusion. They are also likely to feel hurt, disappointed and betrayed by the offending parent, and struggle with trusting their parents or others in the future. It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain. Most importantly, remind them that they are deeply loved by both parents, and that will never change.

Their lives may feel unpredictable and beyond their control, and that can feel very frightening. In the midst of the uncertainty, your children need to know what isn’t changing. Hence, do whatever you can to maintain their typical daily routine to provide a sense of stability and predictability. 

Primary and tween years (7 – 12)

Young children often worry, “Who will take care of me?” With this in mind, emphasise the constants: who picks them up, bedtime routines, school, and play. Show up for school events, meals, outings—whatever helps them feel grounded. Visual aids like a weekly calendar at home can also help to reduce uncertainty.

Some may ask many questions, while others may withdraw. Let them know their feelings are valid, and that you’re a safe place for them to express those feelings. Let them ask questions and express feelings through play, drawing, or simple conversation.

You also don’t have to navigate this alone. Family counselling or child therapy can provide a safe space for your child to process their emotions. It also models that asking for help is healthy and brave. If you are unsure how to start the conversation, a counsellor can guide you through it. 

Teen and emerging years (13 – 19)

Ask what they’ve noticed and how they’re feeling, making effort to validate and not minimise their emotions. Assure them that you are willing to talk anytime, but also give them space to process on their own. Encourage them to seek out healthy outlets and support, like journalling, engaging in sports or favourite hobbies, confiding in trusted friends and finding support in faith and community groups.

Other than sadness and anger, teenagers may also feel ashamed or embarrassed about their parent’s affair, especially if others have been made aware of it. If shame turns into withdrawal, anxiety, or self-blame, consider asking your teen to go for counselling so that they can receive help to process the complex and deep emotions they are feeling.

 

1 Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on — together or apart. The Guilford Press. 

From Working Professional to Stay-at-Home Mum

Have you ever thought about switching from a dual-income household to a single-income one, and wondered if that is even feasible in Singapore? I’ve been at that crossroads before. Now, after seven years of marriage and two kids, we’ve decided to take the plunge. Here are some tips to consider should you wish to make such a major change.  

Calculate household expenses 

First and foremost, you must ensure that your household expenses are less than your take-home income after Central Provident Fund (CPF) deductions. While this sounds blatantly obvious, we must accept that some jobs simply do not pay high enough to fully cover a household’s daily expenses.  

Different families have different spending habits, but the average household expenditure is around $5,931, according to the latest data by the Singapore Department of Statistics.1 Calculate your household expenses as a family and ensure that, if there is only one income, the take-home salary is sufficient to cover those costs.   

Get appropriate insurance plans 

As the adage goes, “fail to plan, plan to fail”. One of the first things we did before our kids become toddlers was to get appropriate hospitalisation plans for them, as we recognised the need to meet their healthcare needs. If you delay getting your children’s insurance hospitalisation plans, you might end up getting more exclusions as they age which would be disadvantageous for them.  

Additionally, before we transitioned to becoming a single income household, we decided to increase my husband’s insurance plans. On top of my husband’s health insurance, we decided to make sure he has a (1) disability income insurance, (2) critical illness insurance and (3) life insurance, with a guaranteed amount that would keep us afloat for several months should he suddenly be unable to work.  

Ensure sufficient savings for a rainy day 

According to the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS), the general rule of thumb is to have at least three to six months’ worth of household expenses as savings.2 I personally agree with this because we will need that buffer for sudden emergencies such as medical issues, accidents or a loss of job. If possible, it is best to have six to nine months’ worth of savings to reduce the stress and pressure of finding another job immediately.  

Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change. 

Aligning goals, values and priorities 

My husband and I decided to become a single-income household because our kids were very young. After our first child was born, I was a stay-home mum for two years. When our second child arrived, I could return to work remotely due to the changes brought about by COVID-19, and I worked full-time only because the role allowed me to work from home.  

The bottom line was that I simply wanted to spend more time with my children during their formative years. I believe it is ideal if one parent can stay home to monitor, supervise and inculcate the right values in our children. Although my husband is at the office working, we share common goals and values. Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change.  

There is a time for everything 

I decided to stay home because my kids were still little, and juggling work with pumping milk every three hours, sleep deprivation, and caring for two children was too exhausting. Furthermore, I wanted to foster a strong bond with them and make daily conversations a habit, so that we will continue to have a close relationship as they grow up.  

No employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. 

While I had to accept that my career would take a pause, the time I got to spend with my kids during their early developmental years was priceless. I could take on freelance or part-time jobs in the future when they are older, but for now, I would like to be my kids’ main caretaker.  

The ultimatum came one day when I realised that no employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. While my parents, in-laws or helper can help with parenting, I have a unique role in their lives and I wanted to maximise it by spending both qualitative and quantitative time with them, even if it means sacrificing financial comfort for several years.  

Gratitude, contentment and wisdom 

What keeps me going is gratitude for simple things, like enjoying a weekly cup of hawker kopi instead of Starbucks, saving money from 11/11 or Black Friday sales, and planning nutritious meals based on what’s on sale. A person may have great wealth yet still feel it’s never enough. The key to enjoying life is not about how much you earn, but being content with what you have.  

Choosing the right job, managing daily commitments while monitoring household income and expenses all require wisdom. Which enrichment classes should my kids take? How much can we afford for our family holiday? We are thankful that God has given us wisdom to make good choices and provided for our daily needs as we transited to becoming a single-income household.  

How Will Opposite-Sex Friendships Affect My Marriage?

Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends after marriage? How do we set healthy boundaries around such friendships?

When you’re married, such friendships may be tricky to navigate and can become a potential conflict area. While it is alright to maintain opposite-sex friendships while married, it does take maturity, open communication, and clear boundaries to ensure both spouses feel comfortable and secure. 

Emotional risks of close opposite-sex friendships 

It’s easy to think, “We’re just friends — there’s nothing wrong with that.” But emotional connections can deepen quietly over time, and what starts as innocent can subtly begin to affect your marriage. 

  1. Potential for jealousy and insecurity 

Take married couple Ben and Joanne, for instance. Ben often had lunch with a female colleague, who was also his gym buddy. It was all professional at first — until Joanne noticed how often her name came up in conversations. She started feeling uneasy when Ben laughed at his colleague’s texts late at night. Even though nothing romantic was happening, Joanne’s discomfort grew because the friendship was taking emotional space in Ben’s life that she felt should belong to their marriage. 

When one spouse feels uncomfortable or left out, that feeling deserves respect — not dismissal. It’s not so much about controlling friendships as much as it is about protecting the emotional security of the marriage. 

  1. Emotional closeness can shift away from your spouse

Rina, a working mum friend, once confided that she often texted a male coworker when she felt stressed about work. “He just gets me,” she said. Over time, she realised she was sharing things with him that she hadn’t shared with her husband in months. The more she relied on her friend emotionally, the more distant she felt from her spouse.  

Such emotional intimacy can be just as damaging as a physical affair. Marriage thrives when your spouse remains your first go-to for comfort and connection, rather than someone else. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “The danger comes when married individuals are not careful and meet their needs for emotional intimacy primarily outside of the marriage, opening their marriage to the risk of emotional infidelity.”  

  1. Blurred boundaries are problematic

Most emotional affairs don’t start with intent — they start with companionship that may inadvertently turn into emotional dependency. When someone outside your marriage begins meeting needs your spouse should meet — listening deeply, affirming you, or spending increasing time with you — you may unknowingly cross a line. The danger isn’t just in what’s done, but in what’s shared. 

Principles for maintaining healthy opposite-sex friendships 

Opposite-sex friendships can exist in healthy ways, but they must be built on trust and transparency. Dr Jared Tan says, “Married individuals can and should enjoy both a healthy marriage and other friendships when they are honest with themselves, and able to discern and navigate healthy boundaries and differences between a spousal relationship and friendship.” 

Here is how you can protect both your marriage and your integrity: 

  1. Be transparent and honest

If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your spouse about a lunch, message, or outing — that’s a red flag. If one might delete WhatsApp messages to avoid an argument with their spouse, it may be telling that the friendship may be crossing emotional lines. Transparency doesn’t mean oversharing every detail, but it does mean being open and accountable. 

If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Keep communication open with your spouse

Talk honestly about what both of you are comfortable with. Some spouses are fine with one-on-one coffee catchups; others aren’t. We have to accept that our spouses may have different comfort levels from us. What matters is respecting each other’s boundaries. If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Agree on clear boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect your marriage and your reputation. For instance: 

  • Avoid late-night chats or frequent private texting. 
  • Do not share your marital frustrations with the friend. 
  • Choose group settings instead of private one-on-one hangouts. 

Think of boundaries not as restrictions, but as guardrails — they keep your marriage safe and steady. 

  1. Ask honest questions about your friendship. 
  • Is this friendship helping or hurting my marriage? 
  • Would I be alright with my spouse having a similar friendship? 
  • Am I turning to this friend for emotional needs my spouse should be meeting? 
  • Would I be embarrassed if my spouse saw my messages or heard our conversations? 

If any answer stirs discomfort, it’s worth stepping back to re-evaluate. 

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

Keep your marriage the priority 

Friendships are a blessing — but your marriage must always remain the top priority. If a friendship begins to cause tension, secrecy, or create distance between you and your spouse, it’s time to redefine it or step away. 

A wise older couple shared this rule of thumb: “If it would make our marriage weaker, it’s not worth keeping as it is.” In the end, the goal isn’t to cut off all opposite-sex friends, but to manage those friendships with integrity and transparency. When both partners feel secure and respected, opposite-sex friendships can exist without harm.  

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it.