Resource Type: Articles

Identity in an AI-Driven World

Technology profoundly affects how we think about the world and imagine our role in it, both of which shape our sense of self. In an AI-driven world, we wonder if the question of human identity can finally be answered, or if it leaves us more lost than ever.  

What is AI? 

AI is a broad spectrum of technological capabilities that mimics human intelligence in areas such as decision-making and pattern recognition. In this sense, AI isn’t entirely new, and has brought about significant improvements to our way of life. 

However, AI is rapidly gaining dominance in our everyday lives, as its capabilities continue to develop powerfully at a pace ahead of legal and ethical frameworks needed to preserve and protect public good.  

Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

 How is AI shaping human identity?  

Traditionally, a person’s identity is shaped by external structures such as family, religious institutions and social communities. In other words, the human identity is given and learnt by subscribing to a higher authority, and an understanding of the self can only be found in relation to outward-directed activities with others.  

Shifts in worldview have challenged this traditional approach to understanding human identity and the self. In today’s AI-driven, postmodern culture, identity is increasingly seen as something constructed inwardly, based on one’s subjective feelings and desires. Uninhibited self-expression becomes one’s highest goal, with the highest authority being the individual. This is the worldview behind language such as “you do you”, “live your truth”, and “follow your heart”. 

All of us hold multiple identities depending on our culture, community, work, and family; however, our core human identity remains universal. Every human, male and female, is uniquely created for human flourishing and has equal, inherent worth. Without it, we would have no claim to equal dignity.  

While AI didn’t directly cause this major shift in worldview on identity, its (growing) powerful capabilities has supercharged this trajectory in some areas. 

Confusion 

When we equate our feelings to our identity, we confuse how we are for who we are. With AI’s text-to-image and photo-editing capabilities becoming more realistic, and as its algorithms learn and predict how we use technology, the line between real and virtual is slowly disappearing. As a result, youths today are more vulnerable to embracing alternative identities that are detached from objective reality, with real-world consequences.  

In the last decade, there has been a sudden, unprecedented spike in transgender identification among teenage girls, commonly referred to as “rapid onset gender dysphoria”. Social media platforms, especially those driven by AI recommendations, may have contributed to this rise. Some young people have made life‑changing decisions based on ideas they encountered online, sometimes with lasting consequences.   

In 2024, an independent report from England known as the Cass Review found that the evidence for using puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones in children under 18 was weak, with many unknown long-term effects.  

As more children turn to and depend on under-regulated AI chatbots (such as character.ai) for questions on their identity, there is cause for concern. These chatbots are persuasive and engaging, but they’re also shaped by data and perspectives they were trained on. Like any technology, they can carry biases and blind spots. Without proper safeguards, they may influence vulnerable young people in ways beyond their ability to fully understand.  

AI models are designed and trained to pander to our sexual orientation, inner desires, or subjective feelings as our identity, because their aim is to optimise user interaction rather than give us the truth about who we are. 

Objectification  

Deepfakes are AI-generated media such as images, sounds or videos that are convincingly real – except, they aren’t. At least not entirely. The same accessible tool that has been invaluable in helping restore old photographs and memories, has also been used for malicious ends such as generating deepfake porn.  

There is a troubling global rise in the misuse of children’s images to create deepfake sexual content. Similarly in Singapore, deepfake porn is a growing menace, even in schools. A recent example is the discovery that Grok, the AI bot on social media platform X, had been generating non‑consensual sexually explicit deepfakes involving women and children. 

These apps require no training or specialised skills to utilise, yet provide professional results with just a few clicks and simple prompts. In other words, objectifying another human person for one’s own sexual gratification is now simpler than ever, with AI capabilities.  

History has no lack of examples for the devastating consequences of objectifying fellow humans. Whenever we objectify others, we not only deny them their dignity, we are also rejecting the true worth of our identity. To be fair, this issue of objectification with porn has long existed before AI, but AI has significantly compounded this issue, with women and children suffering the most. 

Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 

What can we do about it?  

With AI, it is tempting to believe that our identity is malleable according to our preferences and desires, and the world is our raw resource for constructing our identity, our way. However, our true identity and worth as humans cannot be found in a particular feeling, sexual orientation, or physical appearance. To hold on to this truth, we must become even more human in an AI world. 

For parents, educators, or adults who care about the identity confusion among our children and want to provide the clarity they deserve, here are a few suggestions: 

  • Use our words thoughtfully and accurately to help them discern what’s real versus what’s not. When we say something is ‘real,’ we mean it is supported by truth e.g. “sex is determined at conception” is scientific truth, not “assigned at birth”. 
  • Invest time to read, learn, and be equipped to lead and influence our children with truth, clarity, and kindness. Prioritise seeking truth together through thoughtful questioning, examining of evidence and applying critical thinking skills. 
  • Model and advocate the right way to use AI – learning to master it instead of being mastered.  
  • Affirm their inherent worth by the way we treat them – choosing to always speak and act with respect. 

How to Build a Good Relationship with Your In-Laws

You fell in love with their child, but gained the whole family too! Sometimes, marriage can feel like a buy one, get more deal. As you navigate marriage and grow your own nuclear family, how do you embrace your spouse’s family while keeping healthy boundaries? Is it possible to avoid in-law tensions and even have a thriving relationship with your in-laws?  

Common areas of tension 

When two singles marry, they suddenly gain another set of parents and siblings. Their available time remains the same, while their commitments increase. A common source of tension then becomes the amount of time spent with each other’s family, especially during festive seasons like Chinese New Year.  

Raymond and Jenny, life coaches married for over 20 years, shared that in the early years of their marriage, they went to Raymond’s parents’ house weekly. This became a stress point as life got busier with kids.  

Jenny shared, “Many of us start off with in-law issues with a “me versus them” mentality. If you are taking the side of your parents, you’re against me. Why don’t you stand up for me? Why don’t you disagree with your parents? And so, we’re forcing our partner to take sides and that’s very unhelpful in a relationship.” 

Raymond added that the situation was made worse by his belief that only he knows how to love his parents best, and she doesn’t know them like he does.  

This added to the “me vs you” mode they found themselves in, until they learnt to see each other’s perspective. Jenny realised that Raymond was learning how to be a filial son while also growing into his role as a husband.  

They noted that having different role models from one’s families of origin will also shape different perspectives. For example, if your grandparents lived with your parents, that arrangement may feel normal to you. You might then expect your own family to follow the same pattern. 

If both husband and wife consciously choose to love each other’s parents rather than withdraw, it creates a sense of safety for both parties.

Strive for unity

Recognising that both of you are working towards the best outcome can ease the tension of differing preferences. When you see yourselves as teammates working together, it fosters a sense of togetherness instead of division.

If both husband and wife consciously choose to love each other’s parents rather than withdraw, it creates a sense of safety for both parties. Without this, each party may constantly feel the need to protect their own parents’ interests and carry the burden alone when faced with challenges.

Once you establish that you are on the same team, it becomes much easier to come up with solutions. In Raymond and Jenny’s case, when weekly parental visits started replacing date nights, they explored creative alternatives like flexible scheduling.

Instead of fixed weekly visits, they opted for Sunday lunches, weekday dinners when work allowed, or even bringing Raymond’s parents out for a meal. Other times, they brought desserts as a special treat. Knowing that visiting Raymond’s parents on weekend “prime time” wasn’t cast in stone made it easier to balance family time without feeling overwhelmed.

It also means creating space for your spouse’s voice and input, which communicates that you love and value them.

Raymond said, “When I learnt to love my wife first by trying her suggestions, it was a huge realisation that she actually can help me love my parents even more”.

When navigating tensions, each of them are also responsible for being the main spokesperson to their own parents.

Set each other up for the win

The best teammates choose to set each other up for the win.

When your in-laws’ and spouse’s opinions differ, avoid placing the blame on your spouse. Protect your spouse by not using his or her as a reason for the issue. Instead, own the disagreement and try to find common ground.

Jenny shared a great tip that works for them – “One thing that Raymond does is he always allows me to break the good news and he manages the bad news. For example, if he needs to turn them down, he would let them know. If I wanted to bring them out for a nice dinner or a holiday, he would allow me to share that news.”

When navigating tensions, each of them are also responsible for being the main spokesperson to their own parents. This ensures that they do not need to take up the “bad guy” role when relating to their in-laws.

These days, after earlier years of going to every Chinese New Year visitation, Raymond and Jenny now speak to their parents separately to decide which relatives are “must-visits”. This takes the stress out of managing time and energy constraints and creates a happier festive season for all, while still meeting parental expectations.

This is done in an honouring way, expressed through open communication and mutual respect. As Raymond shares, “The way we honour our parents and in-laws is also a role model for the children. And we have the ability to reshape some of this in terms of how we navigate difficult relationships with people who are closest to us.”

After all, having a good relationship with your in-laws not just positively impacts your spouse. It also shapes the emotional environment your children grow up in, influencing how they learn to value and care for family.

Recognising PTSD: How Counselling Can Help You Heal

When Sarah returned home after a traumatic car accident while she was travelling with her family in Japan, she thought she could simply “move on.” But weeks later, she found herself startled by loud noises, avoiding driving altogether, and waking up drenched in sweat from recurring nightmares about the incident. It wasn’t until she spoke to a counsellor that she realised these were signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and that help was available. 

Sarah’s story is not uncommon. Trauma can leave invisible wounds that affect how we think, feel, and live. But here is the good news: Healing is possible, and counselling can be a powerful first step. 

What is PTSD? 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event, such as an accident, abuse, sexual violence, or actual or threatened sudden loss of life. While it’s normal to feel shaken after trauma, PTSD symptoms persist and interfere with daily life. 

Signs You Might Be Experiencing PTSD 

PTSD looks different for everyone, but common signs include: 

    • Intrusive memories: Flashbacks or nightmares about the event 
    • Avoidance: Steering clear of places, people, activities or thoughts that remind you of the trauma 
    • Heightened reactivity: Irritable behavior and angry outbursts, easily startled, unable to concentrate
    • Negative mood changes: Persistent negative thoughts and feelings, feeling detached or estranged from others
    • Physical symptoms: Trouble sleeping, feeling tense, unable to relax or fatigue 

If these symptoms develop and disrupt your daily functioning after experiencing something traumatic, it may be time to seek help.   

How Counselling Can Help

Counselling offers a safe, confidential space to process trauma and regain control.

Professional support can help you: 

    • Understand and manage the impact of the trauma: Learn to accept what happened, and how that changed you 
    • Reprocess the thoughts developed that keep you stuck: Embrace alternative perspectives rooted in reality for more holistic and balanced thinking that would serve you well
    • Develop coping resources: Learn grounding and mindfulness techniques to manage stress and emotionally regulate, and address sleep through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), and meet emotional and relational needs adaptively

Evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and that is trauma-informed have helped countless individuals recover from what happened and live adaptively.

“PTSD can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to know that recovery is possible, and it’s not about re-experiencing the traumatic event” says Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore. “Counselling provides a safe space to re-process what happened, it’s impact, and learn skills to manage one’s emotions, and eventually meet one’s emotional and relational needs adaptively.” 

Practical steps toward healing  

If you suspect PTSD symptoms might be developing, here are some steps you can take: 

1. Reach out for help   

The first step is often the hardest, but also the most important. Speaking to a counsellor or mental health professional can help you make sense of what you’re experiencing and guide you toward recovery. You don’t have to face this alone. 

2. Talk to someone you trust

Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can ease the sense of isolation that often comes with PTSD. You don’t need to share every vivid detail, but just letting someone know you’re struggling can be a relief and a source of support.

3. Practice grounding techniques

When anxiety or flashbacks hit, grounding techniques can help you stay present. Simple practices like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or repeating calming phrases can reduce distress and remind you that you are safe now. 

4. Maintain routines

Trauma can make life feel unpredictable. Keeping a regular routine—whether it’s meals, exercise, or bedtime—can provide a sense of stability and control. Small, consistent habits can make a big difference in your emotional well-being.

5. Avoid self-blame

PTSD is what happened to you, not a sign of weakness or failure. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is valid and that healing takes time. Self-compassion is an essential and important part of recovery.

When Sarah finally reached out for help, her counsellor guided her through trauma-informed therapy, helping her understand her triggers and develop coping strategies. At first, progress felt slow, but she concentrated on celebrating her small victories, like beginning to drive short distances with her husband beside her in the passenger seat, or sleeping through the night without the disruption of nightmares. Each small step she took built her confidence. Over time, the nightmares faded, and the constant tension eased. 

Today, Sarah describes herself as “stronger than before.” She still has moments of anxiety when she is behind the wheel, but her counsellor taught her that healing is not about forgetting the past—it’s about reclaiming life in the present and finding courage and hope again. Her story reminds us that recovery is possible, and no one has to walk this road alone.  

Our counselling services provide compassionate, professional support tailored to your needs. Make an enquiry today. 

What Husbands Need to Know About Menopause

I recently saw a couple in my office for a medical visit. The husband insisted on accompanying his wife, who was in her mid 50’s, into the exam room because he wanted to make sure she relayed all of her symptoms and all the things that were going on in her life. He immediately commandeered the examination: “First of all, she just isn’t interested in having sex with me anymore, and she does everything that she can to avoid being intimate with me.” The wife put her head down in embarrassment. 

I shifted the conversation to the patient and asked, “Have you noticed any significant changes in your behaviour or the way you feel lately?” She launched into a lengthy list of symptoms: depression, severe hot flashes and night sweats, forgetfulness. She also reported waking up three to four times each night and lacking energy. Without a doubt I knew what she was dealing with — menopause. 

She finished by saying, “I don’t want to have sex because I feel so ugly and unattractive, and also because it hurts so much now.” The husband sat there, his mouth open in disbelief. “Wow,” he said when he regained his speech. “That’s the first time that I’ve heard any of that.” 

His wife said, “I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was embarrassed to tell you.” 

A natural time of life

Sadly, this woman’s feelings about what was happening in her life — there’s something wrong with me — are shared by too many women. While menopause can come with discomforts and inconveniences, it is not a disease or abnormality. It’s a natural time in a woman’s life, and most of the things a woman experiences at this time are typical. 

Menopause is the point in life when a woman’s ovaries begin to significantly decrease production of the hormones oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Oestrogen and progesterone are the two principle female hormones, while testosterone, although commonly thought of as a male hormone, is produced in small amounts in the ovaries and adrenal glands. In women, testosterone plays an important role in sexual desire and energy enhancement. 

Menopause is defined as 12 months of going without a menstrual period. The most common symptoms are hot flashes, sweating, increased irritability and mood changes, sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating and thinning of hair on the head. Vaginal dryness resulting in painful intercourse often occurs later. 

Menopause doesn’t occur at a specific age, although the average age it begins is just over 51 years. If a woman’s ovaries are surgically removed, she enters what is known as surgical menopause. 

It’s a natural time in a woman’s life, and most of the things a woman experiences at this time are typical. 

The effects of relationships

While menopause is natural and normal, husbands and wives are often caught off guard by changes in their marriage relationship. Many husbands become confused by the behaviour of their wife during menopause. The first thing men often notice is a decrease in sexual desire by their spouse. 

As both partners age, a decrease in the frequency of sexual intimacy is normal, but during menopause some women have a significant loss of desire — or begin to experience so much discomfort with intercourse that they choose to avoid contact. The husband may not understand what’s going on and feel rejected or even suspicious that his wife is interested in someone else. 

If a couple is already experiencing marital problems, then moodiness, irritability, confusion and sudden outbursts of anger may add another level of difficulty. Counselling may be necessary for both spouses during this crucial time of hormonal change. 

 

Actions and attitudes

Menopause doesn’t necessarily spell trouble for a relationship. The key to stabilising and strengthening the marriage is to embrace this new season of the marriage. Every marriage goes through transitions. You have the opportunity to create some new normal for your relationship. 

Communicating through this season of change is extremely important. It’s critical for the husband to show deep understanding and compassion for his wife. (He should remember that while he didn’t ask for this, neither did she.) The husband needs to avoid blaming and shaming his wife for what is in many ways beyond her control. 

He should be curious about her feelings and emotional needs during this transition. Ask questions like, “How are you doing emotionally? How can I best show you love in the midst of menopause? How can I best encourage you through this season?” 

Women should likewise extend grace to themselves. The feelings and emotional disruptions they undergo are the result of dramatic hormonal changes. 

The key to stabilising and strengthening the marriage is to embrace this new season of the marriage. 

A woman can often benefit from the care of a qualified medical professional, who can provide information about menopause and treatments for discomforting symptoms. Similarly, the counsel of a licensed therapist can be valuable in dealing with relationship issues. Research shows, however, that only about 20 per cent of women feel comfortable enough to discuss their symptoms with their health care professional, and many women struggle through this time without the support they need. Setting aside time to talk with other women who are going through menopause can also help. 

A well balanced diet; regular exercise; interacting with others; and taking appropriate vitamin and mineral supplements can also help. (Talk with your health care professional before taking any new supplements, as some can interact with other drugs you may be taking.) Finally, it is of utmost importance that you talk with family members about how you are feeling. 

Menopause does not have to be the beginning of a downhill course in life, or of relational difficulties. Nor does it mean the end of your sexual life. Many couples find greater sexual intimacy and fulfilment as they grow closer to each other. 

© 2017, 2025 Dr. W. David Hager. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com. 

How to Talk to Your Child About an Affair

It’s a conversation no parent ever imagines having. Yet, when an affair has impacted your family, the question inevitably arises: Should I talk to my child about it? What can I say as needed, and what should I leave out to protect them?

Children are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. Even if they don’t know the details, they can sense when something is wrong—tension in the home, whispered arguments, or a parent suddenly moving out. So how can we approach this delicate topic with wisdom, honesty, and care?

Choosing whether and what to say

In their book “Getting Past the Affair”, Professors Snyder, Baucom and Gordon advise parents that “In deciding what to say and do, make your children’s well-being your top concern.”1 With this in mind, carefully consider whether sharing about the affair would be in your children’s best interests, and ensure the age appropriateness of your sharing.

It would be beneficial for both of you to talk to your children together. Having both parents present conveys that this is a challenge which you will work through together, and can prevent either one of you from accusing each other. Furthermore, children often have questions, and having both parents present makes it easier to provide clear and consistent answers.

Also, even if you’re deeply hurt, resist the urge to paint the other parent in a negative light. Your child still loves them—and needs to. Speaking poorly about your spouse can confuse and hurt your child. Avoid blaming language like “Your father hurt me,” or “Your mother ruined everything.” Children should never feel like they have to take sides.

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Before and after an affair, regardless of whether the marriage survives, children naturally feel loyalty to both parents. If this loyalty is not acknowledged and respected, it can lead to emotional and relational distress, which may harm both the children and the overall family dynamic.” 

Primary and tween years (7-12)

For younger children, it may not be advisable to tell them explicitly that one of you had an affair. Instead, it could suffice to let them know that Mum and Dad are having difficulties getting along and feeling unhappy with each other at the moment. You might say, “Mum and Dad are facing a grownup problem, and we are getting help to work through this problem together.” 

Children also often internalise conflict. They may wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” or “If I had behaved better, would this have happened?” Reassure them clearly and repeatedly that they did not cause this situation to happen and that it’s not their fault. You can say, “One of us made a mistake that hurt the other. We’re working through it, and we want you to know it’s not your fault.”

The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing.

Teen and emerging years (13-19) 

Though it will still be as painful and difficult to accept, sharing with a teenager about an affair might be more advisable as they would be better able to process the situation and their emotions. Furthermore, they may already suspect or know more than you think. With them, honesty is important—but so is discretion. The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing. 

Remember to share only what is necessary, constantly thinking through if the content of your sharing is in your children’s best interests. Honesty builds trust, but that doesn’t mean sharing every painful detail. Instead, focus on the truth in a way that protects your teen’s emotional well-being. Regardless of age, all children need reassurance that they are loved and safe.

It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain.

Provide stability and support

Your children may react with shock, sadness, anger and confusion. They are also likely to feel hurt, disappointed and betrayed by the offending parent, and struggle with trusting their parents or others in the future. It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain. Most importantly, remind them that they are deeply loved by both parents, and that will never change.

Their lives may feel unpredictable and beyond their control, and that can feel very frightening. In the midst of the uncertainty, your children need to know what isn’t changing. Hence, do whatever you can to maintain their typical daily routine to provide a sense of stability and predictability. 

Primary and tween years (7 – 12)

Young children often worry, “Who will take care of me?” With this in mind, emphasise the constants: who picks them up, bedtime routines, school, and play. Show up for school events, meals, outings—whatever helps them feel grounded. Visual aids like a weekly calendar at home can also help to reduce uncertainty.

Some may ask many questions, while others may withdraw. Let them know their feelings are valid, and that you’re a safe place for them to express those feelings. Let them ask questions and express feelings through play, drawing, or simple conversation.

You also don’t have to navigate this alone. Family counselling or child therapy can provide a safe space for your child to process their emotions. It also models that asking for help is healthy and brave. If you are unsure how to start the conversation, a counsellor can guide you through it. 

Teen and emerging years (13 – 19)

Ask what they’ve noticed and how they’re feeling, making effort to validate and not minimise their emotions. Assure them that you are willing to talk anytime, but also give them space to process on their own. Encourage them to seek out healthy outlets and support, like journalling, engaging in sports or favourite hobbies, confiding in trusted friends and finding support in faith and community groups.

Other than sadness and anger, teenagers may also feel ashamed or embarrassed about their parent’s affair, especially if others have been made aware of it. If shame turns into withdrawal, anxiety, or self-blame, consider asking your teen to go for counselling so that they can receive help to process the complex and deep emotions they are feeling.

 

1 Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on — together or apart. The Guilford Press. 

From Working Professional to Stay-at-Home Mum

Have you ever thought about switching from a dual-income household to a single-income one, and wondered if that is even feasible in Singapore? I’ve been at that crossroads before. Now, after seven years of marriage and two kids, we’ve decided to take the plunge. Here are some tips to consider should you wish to make such a major change.  

Calculate household expenses 

First and foremost, you must ensure that your household expenses are less than your take-home income after Central Provident Fund (CPF) deductions. While this sounds blatantly obvious, we must accept that some jobs simply do not pay high enough to fully cover a household’s daily expenses.  

Different families have different spending habits, but the average household expenditure is around $5,931, according to the latest data by the Singapore Department of Statistics.1 Calculate your household expenses as a family and ensure that, if there is only one income, the take-home salary is sufficient to cover those costs.   

Get appropriate insurance plans 

As the adage goes, “fail to plan, plan to fail”. One of the first things we did before our kids become toddlers was to get appropriate hospitalisation plans for them, as we recognised the need to meet their healthcare needs. If you delay getting your children’s insurance hospitalisation plans, you might end up getting more exclusions as they age which would be disadvantageous for them.  

Additionally, before we transitioned to becoming a single income household, we decided to increase my husband’s insurance plans. On top of my husband’s health insurance, we decided to make sure he has a (1) disability income insurance, (2) critical illness insurance and (3) life insurance, with a guaranteed amount that would keep us afloat for several months should he suddenly be unable to work.  

Ensure sufficient savings for a rainy day 

According to the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS), the general rule of thumb is to have at least three to six months’ worth of household expenses as savings.2 I personally agree with this because we will need that buffer for sudden emergencies such as medical issues, accidents or a loss of job. If possible, it is best to have six to nine months’ worth of savings to reduce the stress and pressure of finding another job immediately.  

Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change. 

Aligning goals, values and priorities 

My husband and I decided to become a single-income household because our kids were very young. After our first child was born, I was a stay-home mum for two years. When our second child arrived, I could return to work remotely due to the changes brought about by COVID-19, and I worked full-time only because the role allowed me to work from home.  

The bottom line was that I simply wanted to spend more time with my children during their formative years. I believe it is ideal if one parent can stay home to monitor, supervise and inculcate the right values in our children. Although my husband is at the office working, we share common goals and values. Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change.  

There is a time for everything 

I decided to stay home because my kids were still little, and juggling work with pumping milk every three hours, sleep deprivation, and caring for two children was too exhausting. Furthermore, I wanted to foster a strong bond with them and make daily conversations a habit, so that we will continue to have a close relationship as they grow up.  

No employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. 

While I had to accept that my career would take a pause, the time I got to spend with my kids during their early developmental years was priceless. I could take on freelance or part-time jobs in the future when they are older, but for now, I would like to be my kids’ main caretaker.  

The ultimatum came one day when I realised that no employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. While my parents, in-laws or helper can help with parenting, I have a unique role in their lives and I wanted to maximise it by spending both qualitative and quantitative time with them, even if it means sacrificing financial comfort for several years.  

Gratitude, contentment and wisdom 

What keeps me going is gratitude for simple things, like enjoying a weekly cup of hawker kopi instead of Starbucks, saving money from 11/11 or Black Friday sales, and planning nutritious meals based on what’s on sale. A person may have great wealth yet still feel it’s never enough. The key to enjoying life is not about how much you earn, but being content with what you have.  

Choosing the right job, managing daily commitments while monitoring household income and expenses all require wisdom. Which enrichment classes should my kids take? How much can we afford for our family holiday? We are thankful that God has given us wisdom to make good choices and provided for our daily needs as we transited to becoming a single-income household.  

How Will Opposite-Sex Friendships Affect My Marriage?

Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends after marriage? How do we set healthy boundaries around such friendships?

When you’re married, such friendships may be tricky to navigate and can become a potential conflict area. While it is alright to maintain opposite-sex friendships while married, it does take maturity, open communication, and clear boundaries to ensure both spouses feel comfortable and secure. 

Emotional risks of close opposite-sex friendships 

It’s easy to think, “We’re just friends — there’s nothing wrong with that.” But emotional connections can deepen quietly over time, and what starts as innocent can subtly begin to affect your marriage. 

  1. Potential for jealousy and insecurity 

Take married couple Ben and Joanne, for instance. Ben often had lunch with a female colleague, who was also his gym buddy. It was all professional at first — until Joanne noticed how often her name came up in conversations. She started feeling uneasy when Ben laughed at his colleague’s texts late at night. Even though nothing romantic was happening, Joanne’s discomfort grew because the friendship was taking emotional space in Ben’s life that she felt should belong to their marriage. 

When one spouse feels uncomfortable or left out, that feeling deserves respect — not dismissal. It’s not so much about controlling friendships as much as it is about protecting the emotional security of the marriage. 

  1. Emotional closeness can shift away from your spouse

Rina, a working mum friend, once confided that she often texted a male coworker when she felt stressed about work. “He just gets me,” she said. Over time, she realised she was sharing things with him that she hadn’t shared with her husband in months. The more she relied on her friend emotionally, the more distant she felt from her spouse.  

Such emotional intimacy can be just as damaging as a physical affair. Marriage thrives when your spouse remains your first go-to for comfort and connection, rather than someone else. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “The danger comes when married individuals are not careful and meet their needs for emotional intimacy primarily outside of the marriage, opening their marriage to the risk of emotional infidelity.”  

  1. Blurred boundaries are problematic

Most emotional affairs don’t start with intent — they start with companionship that may inadvertently turn into emotional dependency. When someone outside your marriage begins meeting needs your spouse should meet — listening deeply, affirming you, or spending increasing time with you — you may unknowingly cross a line. The danger isn’t just in what’s done, but in what’s shared. 

Principles for maintaining healthy opposite-sex friendships 

Opposite-sex friendships can exist in healthy ways, but they must be built on trust and transparency. Dr Jared Tan says, “Married individuals can and should enjoy both a healthy marriage and other friendships when they are honest with themselves, and able to discern and navigate healthy boundaries and differences between a spousal relationship and friendship.” 

Here is how you can protect both your marriage and your integrity: 

  1. Be transparent and honest

If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your spouse about a lunch, message, or outing — that’s a red flag. If one might delete WhatsApp messages to avoid an argument with their spouse, it may be telling that the friendship may be crossing emotional lines. Transparency doesn’t mean oversharing every detail, but it does mean being open and accountable. 

If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Keep communication open with your spouse

Talk honestly about what both of you are comfortable with. Some spouses are fine with one-on-one coffee catchups; others aren’t. We have to accept that our spouses may have different comfort levels from us. What matters is respecting each other’s boundaries. If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Agree on clear boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect your marriage and your reputation. For instance: 

  • Avoid late-night chats or frequent private texting. 
  • Do not share your marital frustrations with the friend. 
  • Choose group settings instead of private one-on-one hangouts. 

Think of boundaries not as restrictions, but as guardrails — they keep your marriage safe and steady. 

  1. Ask honest questions about your friendship. 
  • Is this friendship helping or hurting my marriage? 
  • Would I be alright with my spouse having a similar friendship? 
  • Am I turning to this friend for emotional needs my spouse should be meeting? 
  • Would I be embarrassed if my spouse saw my messages or heard our conversations? 

If any answer stirs discomfort, it’s worth stepping back to re-evaluate. 

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

Keep your marriage the priority 

Friendships are a blessing — but your marriage must always remain the top priority. If a friendship begins to cause tension, secrecy, or create distance between you and your spouse, it’s time to redefine it or step away. 

A wise older couple shared this rule of thumb: “If it would make our marriage weaker, it’s not worth keeping as it is.” In the end, the goal isn’t to cut off all opposite-sex friends, but to manage those friendships with integrity and transparency. When both partners feel secure and respected, opposite-sex friendships can exist without harm.  

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

When Our Sexual Desires Don’t Match

At a glance:

  • Mismatched sexual desire is common and normal in marriage. Desire can fluctuate due to physical, emotional, and life-stage factors.
  • Emotional connection and communication are key before focusing on frequency of sex.
  • Couples may benefit from guided conversations or professional support.

“Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.” Whether you agree with this statement or not, sex is an important component of marriage. Yet, it is a piece of the puzzle that doesn’t always fit neatly. 

In marriage, two very different people bring their own beliefs, idiosyncrasies, preferences and upbringing into a most intimate relationship. How each person views, values and desires sex can be very different, affecting marriage in myriad ways. It is easy to have romanticised views of sex, thinking that sex in marriage is highly desirable and should come easily and naturally. However, reality often tells a different story. 

Why do sexual desires change in marriage?

A person’s level of sexual desire is not necessarily constant throughout marriage and can be influenced by many different factors. These can include: 

Physical factors: Health issues, pregnancy, menopause, sexual dysfunction like vaginismus (a condition where the vagina involuntarily tightens, preventing penetration) or erectile dysfunction (the inability to achieve and maintain an erection for intercourse). 

Emotional and psychological factors: Depression, anxiety, stress, past traumas, cultural values and attitudes regarding sex. 

Life stages: Having children, loss of a job or being in the midst of changing jobs, ageing. 

What happens when husbands and wives have mismatched sexual desires?

It is also common for couples to experience mismatched sexual desires due to differing expectations regarding frequency (how often a spouse desires sex) or type of intimacy (the kind of sexual activity a spouse would like or be willing to engage in).  

When sexual desires are mismatched, it can cause strain and tensions to arise in a marriage. A spouse may feel rejected, misunderstood, judged or neglected. If couples do not know how to or are unable to communicate how they feel, it can be very isolating and can cause one to feel unheard and unloved.  

A vicious cycle emerges where a lack of emotional connection hinders physical intimacy which widens the emotional gap, causing husband and wife to grow apart. 

How can couples navigate differences in sexual desires?

Communicate your feelings 
Be willing to express how you feel about your current situation. We cannot assume that our spouses know how we are feeling. Speak and listen without judgement, with the intention of wanting our marriages to thrive and flourish, not to point fingers or cast blame.  

Reconnect emotionally
Take the effort to spend quality time with each other and do things that you enjoy together. Appreciate one another and be interested in each other’s lives. Assure each other of your commitment and desire to grow together through the challenges. Emotional connection can rekindle physical intimacy.  

Talk about sex
Sex may be a taboo subject for some people in certain circles. But the more we talk about sex in marriage, the clearer it is for spouses to understand where each person is coming from. When couples are vague or indirect about their sexual needs or feelings, the issue can be left unresolved and made even more confusing or hurtful for either person. 

Talking about what each person enjoys and prefers in sex can be enlightening and helpful as you explore sex together as a couple. Such conversations may not come naturally, so it is important to be kind and patient in gently encouraging each other to express oneself. Instead of using negative words like “You never touch me”, speak positively: “I like it when you do this”.  

Be understanding and compromise
Love is being willing to do what is best for the other. In marriage, there will always be occasions where we must compromise and be willing to meet halfway for the sake of the other. Someone with low sexual desire can choose to still engage in sex, and someone with high sexual desire can choose not to impose their expectations on their partner. 

Schedule sex
Sex need not always be spontaneous. We can plan for it just like how we plan for a date. This helps couples work around schedules and ensure they have time and energy for sex. It also allows couples to have something to look forward to and prepare themselves physically, mentally and emotionally.  

Set the mood
Foreplay is also an important part of sex. Setting the mood, helping around the house, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving a massage are all helpful ways to prepare our bodies for sexual pleasure.

With communication, empathy and compromise, you can create a safe space to talk through differences and work out what an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life might look like for both of you. 

In some cases where mismatched sexual drives have become too distressing in marriage, it may be necessary and beneficial to consult marriage counsellors or professionals in sexual health. You do not have to suffer alone. These professionals will be able to give you insights and strategies that can lead to healing and restoration in your marriage. Their counsel may enable you to enjoy the fullness of physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage.  

Coming up from 16-19 May 2026 (Sat-Tue), Connect2 Marriage Getaway is an all-inclusive overseas residential 4D3N experience designed for couples to step away from the busyness of daily life and strengthen their marriage. Learn more and register at www.family.org.sg/MarriageGetaway 

Marriage Counselling: When to Seek Help and What to Expect

When Sarah and Daniel* finally sat down in their first marriage counselling session, the silence between them was louder than words. They weren’t fighting anymore—not because things had improved, but because they’d both stopped trying. The spark had fizzled, replaced by a quiet detachment. 

Sarah felt like she was doing everything alone. Daniel felt like he couldn’t do anything right. They weren’t sure what they needed, but Sarah thought she wanted out. 

Their story isn’t unique. Many couples wait until they’re at their wits’ end before seeking help. But marriage counselling isn’t just for couples on the brink of divorce. While it can be a lifeline, it probably should be a regular check-up on your marital health, a safe space to reconnect and talk about sensitive issues, and a way to strengthen and future-proof your marriage. 

When should you consider counselling? 

Here are some signs it might be time to talk to someone:

  1. You’re stuck in the same argument loop

It starts with a sock on the floor and ends with someone sleeping on the couch. If you find yourselves rehashing the same fights with no resolution, it might be time to bring in a neutral party. 

  1. You feel more like housemates than soulmates

If your conversations revolve solely around groceries, bills, and who’s picking the kids up from tuition, it could be a sign that you have lost emotional connection to each other.   

  1. You’re navigating a major life change

Whether it’s a new baby, a job loss, or moving in with the in-laws, big transitions can shake even the firmest foundations. 

  1. Trust has been broken

Infidelity, secrecy, or even just a growing emotional distance can erode trust. Rebuilding it takes time—and often, a professional counsellor can offer support and guidance in navigating the hurt, anger and unforgiveness. 

  1. You’ve thought about giving up

If the idea of separation has crossed your mind more than once, it’s worth exploring those feelings in a safe, guided environment.  

How to make counselling work for you 

  1. Be open and honest
    It’s tempting to shove things under the carpet just to avoid conflict and pain, but real change starts with showing up honestly and with authenticity.
  1.  Do away with the blame game
    Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when…” It’s amazing how much tone can shift a conversation.
  1. Stick with it
    Practicing the skills learnt in sessions might feel awkward. That’s okay. Like any new habit, it takes time to feel natural.
  1. Find the right fit
    Not every counsellor will be the right match, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid to try a few until you find someone both of you feel comfortable with.
  1. Celebrate small wins
    Maybe you had a tough conversation without yelling. Or you made each other laugh again. These moments may be small in the grand scheme of things but they matter.

What happens in a counselling session? 

Let’s first debunk a common myth about counselling. Counselling isn’t about sitting in a room while a stranger tells you who’s right and who’s wrong, or what to do next. It’s more like having a coach who can help you both play on the same team again. 

Here’s what you can expect: 

  • A safe space to talk 
    The counsellor is there to listen—without taking sides. They’ll help you both feel heard and understood, even when emotions run high. 
  • Guided conversations 
    You’ll explore what’s really going on beneath the surface. Sometimes, it’s not about the dishes, it’s about feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed. 
  • Practical tools 
    You’ll learn how to communicate better, manage conflict, and rebuild trust. Think of it as relationship rehab—with some new tools in the toolbox to practise loving each other again. 
  • Progress, not perfection 
    Some couples see changes quickly; others take time. The key is showing up, being honest, and doing the work. 

It’s okay to ask for help 

In a culture that often prizes privacy and self-reliance, seeking counselling can feel like admitting defeat. But it’s actually the opposite. It’s saying, “Our marriage matters enough to fight for.” 

Sarah and Daniel? They’re still figuring things out. But now, they’re doing it together—with more grace, more understanding, and yes, even a few laughs along the way. 

So if you’re wondering whether it’s time to seek help, consider this your gentle nudge. You don’t have to wait for a crisis. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do for your marriage is to ask for help before things fall apart. 

If you’re facing challenges in your marriage, and would like to seek help and support, we’re here to walk with you. Book a session today and begin your journey towards positive and lasting relationship change.  

Co-Parenting with Purpose

When a marriage breaks up, many shared hopes and dreams end abruptly as well. Yet for children affected by divorce, the need for love, protection, and guidance from both parents remains unchanged. While your role as a spouse may have concluded, your role as a parent continues. Co-parenting, for the sake of your children’s well-being, is a commitment that deserves ongoing effort.

Putting aside personal pain 

For Ethan*, whose marriage ended just before Covid, the gamut of emotions ran from fear to doubt. However, instead of withdrawing, he focused on staying present for his son. 
 
“What’s best for my son?” was the biggest question on Ethan’s and his wife’s mind as they finalised the divorce. Being able to move pass themselves to thinking about their son helped create a common goal for them to work towards.  
 
Ethan shared that both sides of the family are still on good terms with each other despite the differences that resulted in the divorce. This means that no bad-mouthing gets in the way of the shared goal of creating for a safe environment for their son.  
 
Love for the family can still flourish, “even if the family looks different now”, said Ethan.  
 
This protects your child’s wellbeing since it is difficult for them to listen to criticism about the parents they love. If you speak ill of your ex-spouse, it creates confusion and strife for your child who would struggle to understand why one parent speaks harshly about the other. Your child may also feel like they must choose one or protect another. It can be very stressful and is not something any child should have to attempt.  
 
Even if your ex-spouse has new romantic interests, your role is to “face these moments with maturity and resilience” instead of transferring your opinions and emotions to your child. 
 
Community is also a powerful game-changer. After all, parenting as a married couple can already feel all-consuming – balancing work, home responsibilities and meeting emotional, educational and daily needs of our children. For single parents, doing all this alone can be overwhelming.  
 
Having family members who are willing to share in caregiving or simply be part of your village makes a big difference. The right village not only supports the child but also encourages the adult. Divorce can feel isolating and even shameful but having people who love you and your child brings immense comfort.   

Working out a consistent plan

Children thrive on structure because it creates a consistent routine, helping them feel safe and secure. 

Determining a schedule with your ex-spouse makes allocated time with your child clear for everyone. Sticking to previously agreed upon timings and responsibilities is also important for trust to be built and sustained.  

These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent. 

Adjusting to life with two homes can be challenging for your child, and seeing one parent move out is already a big change. Support them through this transition by clearly communicating clearly which days they’ll spend with Mum and which with Dad.  

While things may look different, practical timetables combined with frequent reminders that they are still as much loved and wanted will provide the emotional stability they need. 

There will be occasions, such as graduations or performances, where both parents should be present to support your child. These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent.   

In day-to-day life, having a schedule also means setting consistent wake-up and bedtime routines, meal times, and homework periods. While it can be challenging to keep these aligned across two separate homes, maintaining a similar pattern does make a difference especially for younger children. 

Having consistent plans provides a sense of stability not just for your children, but also creates a predictable rhythm for you, helping you stay productive and also seek self-care. Activities such as going for counselling, taking up a new hobby, or pursuing new learning endeavours can be helpful to support your personal healing and growth. 

 Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. 

Partnering in communication

Since co-parenting means each parent only has full oversight of your child on the days he or she is with you, communicating well is essential for successful co-parenting.  

While it can be easy to let your child be the “messenger” and communicate to your ex-spouse through them, carrying this role not only can create misunderstandings but put undue stress on the child to be the middleman. 

Meeting emotional needs requires strong communication and commitment from both parents. A child’s emotional development evolves from early childhood through primary school, the tween years and into adolescence. Health issues, behaviour that need correction, funny moments and milestones should ideally be shared knowledge. 

Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. For older kids, they may also learn how to hide certain negative habits or incidents from parents to avoid worrying them or being disciplined.  

Sudden changes in appearance, mood and reluctance to go to school are all red flags that need to be communicated.  

Ethan cited that for him and his ex-wife, being able to communicate well helps them navigate times when there are differing opinions. For example, when they disagreed on their son’s extra-curriculum classes, they reached a compromise by adopting a “give and take” approach. Likewise, when it comes to finances, having clearly defined responsibilities helps reduce stress in co-parenting.  

Though divorce and co-parenting may have never crossed your mind before it happened, it is still possible to co-parent well. Doing so will help in creating a safe place for your children to thrive.   

“Interestingly, you’d think that after a divorce, things become more complicated. But when both parents truly put the child first, it can actually become simpler — not easy, but simpler. It’s about communicating better, understanding that our son is growing up in two different environments, and learning to be adaptable and patient with that,” shared Ethan.  

* The interviewee’s name has been changed for privacy