How Do I Know My Marriage Is Ready for Kids?
Conversations to determine your preparedness for parenthood
Published on 06 April, 2024
After saying, “I do”, it is natural to desire building your nest, and enjoy the freedom of couple-hood. It is also not uncommon for some couples to focus on their career aspirations and goals. But there may come a time when you or your spouse are drawn to conversations with friends or colleagues about babies and parenthood. Or when your social media feed pops up cute images of babies and you dream about having children of your own, and decorating the room for a little one. You feel you are ready to expand your family of creation.
But are you?
It has been said that it takes two to tango. The decision to become a parent is a weighty one that should be made intentionally as a couple. Adding a new member requires the readiness of the husband and wife; It is not merely an individual choice.
Thus, if you are considering parenthood, it is fitting that as a couple, instead of asking, “Am I ready for parenthood?” you might want to ask, “Is our marriage ready for parenthood?”
If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the cracks in the relationship.
What are the factors to determine if your marriage is ready for a baby?
1. Relationship strength and vitality
The health of your marriage is crucial if you want to add children to the mix. Most marriage mentors or counsellors encourage couples to invest time and effort to work on their marriage issues, and strengthen their relationship before the baby arrives. Studies have shown that when the baby arrives, marital satisfaction will take a dip because of the transitional stresses, added responsibilities, and demands of parenthood.
If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the existing cracks in the relationship.
Here are some conversation starters for you and your spouse to reflect on and discuss:
- How do I envision our lives changing when we have a baby?
- What freedoms am I willing to give up that I have now?
- How will we make time for our marriage relationship?
- If we were to stop having sex for a few months, how would my spouse respond?
- How do we handle stress and conflict as a couple?
- How do I communicate when I am feeling sleep-deprived and overwhelmed?
- What would I want my spouse to do/say when I feel inadequate as a parent, or when my self-esteem takes a beating post-pregnancy?
- What comes to mind when I think of the father or mother I want to be?
- What are our values regarding raising children, and sharing responsibility and involvement in parenthood? If our values are in conflict, how can we find a middle ground?
- What is our parenting style? If they are different, how do we foresee this affecting the way we parent as a team?
- What family traditions do I want to carry over from my childhood? What do I wish to do differently?
2. Physical health
When planning to start a family, it is important that you and your spouse are in good health. Visit the gynaecologist or doctor for a health assessment and make the necessary adjustments so that you increase your odds of having a healthy baby. It is worthwhile to switch to a healthier lifestyle: Eat healthily, give up the smoking habit, start an exercise regime! These small changes can strengthen your overall physical health and prepare your body to manage the stresses of the transition to parenthood.
3. Financial health
Having an additional mouth to feed means there will be an increase in the family expenses. It is important to ensure your financial preparedness for such a commitment. As to the financial cost of raising a child, it is very subjective. If you have a steady income as a couple, a budget that works, and the ability to effectively manage your finances, you are in a favourable position to start a family. That being said, it is always a good idea to take a serious look at your financial goals and commitments; if need be, consult a financial expert to advise you and your spouse.
4. Social support
Taking care of a baby is physically, emotionally, and psychologically demanding. Today, not many married women want to be a full-time homemaker. Whether you choose to become a full-time homemaker or to balance motherhood and a career, it is important to ensure there is a good support system that you can reach out to in times of need. They can be your parents, in-laws, trusted friends, faith community, or siblings. These are the people who will make time to listen to you, encourage you when the going gets tough, or provide practical help to ease the stresses of caring for your child.
Becoming parents is a lifelong commitment that requires a couple to make the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully.
5. Emotional and psychological stability
Becoming a parent is life-changing, joyful, and rewarding. At the same time, caring for a baby comes with its fair share of ups and downs. For the mother, the nine months of pregnancy with its physical discomfort, such as morning sickness, fatigue, and back pain can set off unpleasant feelings of frustration or anxiety. Additionally, post-pregnancy bodily changes can cause a dent in a mother’s self-esteem, especially when she finds that she cannot expeditiously get back into shape after childbirth.
For the father, having to share the wife’s attention and closeness with a new member of the family, the dip in sexual contact, and the financial commitments can pose a challenge mentally and emotionally.
It would be helpful for the couple to be emotionally and psychologically stable In order to navigate such a major milestone together.
For many couples, having children is a cherished goal, bringing joy and fulfilment. Having a baby is indeed a life-changing, exciting, and heart-warming experience. However, it is a weighty decision that requires deliberate introspection and reflection, and making the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully. It is certainly worthwhile to make time to engage in honest and open conversations to determine if you and your spouse are ready to become parents.
