Child’s Life Stage: Emerging

I Asked Youths, What is the Point of Dating?

In an era of dating apps, instant messaging, and endless choice, many youths are choosing no one. A survey done showed that 2 in 5 Singaporean youths, aged 22-29, have never been in a relationship (National Youth Council et al., 2024). 

Dating, traditionally understood as a period of exploration and getting to know others, learning about oneself, and making mistakes along the way has taken on a much heavier meaning for youths today. 

Based on conversations I had with 16 youths aged 17–35 across relationship stages, dating is understood as: An intentional and often exclusive romantic relationship that goes beyond friendship. It involves commitment, emotional intimacy, and prioritising one another, with the purpose of getting to know each other deeply—values, boundaries, and compatibility—often with an eye toward marriage. 

As dating has come to be seen less as a space for exploration and more as a high-stakes commitment tied to long-term outcomes, many youths hesitate to begin at all. 

Why Are Youths Not Dating

1. Dating, a high barrier to entry 

To many youths, dating is no longer a light or exploratory experience. When asked about factors deterring them from dating, many youths cited dating as a high-commitment decision—emotionally demanding, time-consuming, and, for some, financially burdensome.  

“Dating is time-consuming, a lot of commitment is required.” 

“I would choose to actively abstain from relationships in a future, as freedom for me is important.” 

Rather than a space to learn about themselves or others, dating has become a focused pathway toward marriage, one that requires seriousness and clear intention from the start. 

Because of this, many youths assume that any early flaw or imperfect level of commitment signals an inevitable breakup. When breakups are framed as failure, dating starts to feel risky—something to enter only when conditions are ideal. As a result, dating is seen as a high-stakes test of lifelong compatibility and a direct route to marriage. 

2. Unhealthy modelling of love 

Before many youths ever experience their first relationship, they have already learned what love looks like—through conflict at home, divorce, heartbreak, and broken relationships around them. Through these lived and observed experiences, relationships become associated with instability, emotional turmoil, and pain. 

“I do not want to repeat the same mistakes my parents made.”  

“Growing up, my relationship with my parents has given me the idea that marriage is a burden and is painful.” 

When love is modelled as something that hurts, fear naturally follows. For many youths, that fear triggers a protective response: emotional walls being built, and independence is chosen instead—because it feels safer, more predictable, and more within their control. 

3. Idealised expectations of love 

Many youths are not opposed to love or relationships. Instead, they speak about waiting for the “right time,” often with the mindset, “If it comes, it comes.” Beneath this patience, however, lies an idealised understanding of love. 

“I’m not in a rush to start dating for practical reasons like building up work and finances and even my spiritual [being] and everything.” 

“Being ready means someone who worked on themselves for a long time and reached a certain level of being confident they have something to offer to someone else. Also, being developed in different aspects of life in mental, emotional, spiritual, financial stability. Attract somebody of similar development as me.” 

Love is increasingly expected to arrive already stable—emotionally, financially, and in the same life stage. Conflict or misalignment is often read as incompatibility rather than part of growth. Influenced by idealised narratives of “the one,” youths hold high expectations not only of their partners but also of themselves, leaving little room for love to develop through uncertainty. In this context, waiting feels safer than trying, because trying risks discovering that neither the relationship nor the people in it are fully formed yet. 

But no one enters relationships at perfection. Love is not meant to begin after growth—it is where growth, understanding, and resilience are formed alongside another person. 

What’s the issue?

If youths are taking love seriously, then the issue is not a lack of intention—it is postponement. Dating is delayed not because youths do not desire connection, but because they fear vulnerability and the possibility of failure. When breakups are framed as personal failure, emotional safety begins to feel wiser than emotional risk. 

As seriousness replaces curiosity, dating loses its role as a space for learning. Relationships are not something we earn after a period of intentional personal growth; they are one of the main conduits that growth happens. Yet many youths believe love should only begin once they are fully “ready”—after stability, clarity, and healing. In a failure-averse culture, this expectation turns uncertainty into something to avoid rather than navigate. 

The result is a paradox: love is deeply valued, yet endlessly deferred. But no one enters relationships at perfection. Love is not meant to begin after growth—it is where growth, understanding, and resilience are formed alongside another person. This leads to the real question: how can youths remain open to love without lowering their standards or exposing themselves to unnecessary emotional harm? 

Reframing our mindset towards love 

1. Know your values, not a list

Opening your heart does not mean abandoning intention. Dating can still be taken seriously, with marriage as a long-term consideration, while allowing room for discovery. Knowing your primary values and the beliefs you cannot compromise on matters more than curating a flawless ideal. By all means set intentions, but resist turning them into rigid standards that leave no room for real, human connection. 

Start small, allow relationships to unfold, and remember that choosing to try is already an act of strength. 

2. Be okay with being vulnerable 

Past hurt does not disqualify you from love. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is the courage to feel, reflect, and try again with greater self-awareness. Fear is natural, but avoiding connection only deepens it. Start small, allow relationships to unfold, and remember that choosing to try is already an act of strength. 

3. Grow with challenges and uncertainty  

You will never be fully “ready” for love, and waiting for perfection only postpones growth. Dating is not about guaranteeing stability or outcomes; it is about learning who someone is without a set timeline. Stability is built, not promised. Relationships move through seasons, mistakes, and uncertainty, and love often grows alongside clarity, not after it.   

Approach love with curiosity 

While it is admirable that youths today take love seriously with a deep care and value for meaningful connections, love doesn’t require perfection or certainty to grow. By approaching it with curiosity in learning about someone’s life, their journey, and how your paths might fit together, you allow yourself to grow alongside them, rather than waiting for the “perfect” moment. 

Join communities with shared values, meet new people through friends and family, and see dating as a chance to explore and understand. Love is best embraced in spite of uncertainty, so keep an open heart, stay curious, and let relationships be a space for shared growth. 

The Family Future Makers programme provides development opportunities for young leaders who are keen to contribute as active citizens to uphold family values as foundational to nation-building in Singapore. Registration for our 2026 run of Family Future Makers is open! Register here: https://www.famchamps.sg/FFM2026.

3 Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Peer Pressure

Secondary school was the first place where I learnt about peer pressure, both from firsthand experiences and watching others go through it. One valuable lesson not only taught me about dealing with peer pressure but showed me that it was possible to say no and to be a champion and stand up to it. 

We had one phone line in our house in those days — a very different experience than everyone having a mobile phone. We had several phones at home that tied into that single phone line. One afternoon, the phone rang. I was in the back of the house near one phone, while my twin brother Jeff was in the kitchen near the other one. We both picked up the phone at the same moment. 

“Hello?” Jeff said before I could speak, not knowing I was listening on the other line. 

“Hey, Jeff, this is Willie.” 

“What’s up?” Jeff asked. 

“We’re having a sleepover tomorrow night, and we want you to come.” 

“Sounds good.” 

“One more thing,” Willie continued. “The guys and I were talking, and we only want you to come. Don’t bring your brother, John.” 

There was a long pause. 

That’s a lot of pressure for a secondary school student. These weren’t just any guys inviting Jeff over for a sleepover; they were the cool guys. But he was also being pressured to do something that would hurt another person — in this case, his brother. There are many people, siblings or not, who would have given in to the crowd and who would have put their need for acceptance over doing what’s right for someone else. Not everyone would risk being shamed or cut off. 

My heart raced as I listened. Jeff finally spoke. “No way, Willie. If you want me to come, then John is coming too. You get both of us or neither of us.” 

“Uh… Well, okay.” Willie started backtracking like crazy. “It was just going to be kind of crowded. But no problem. He can come too.” 

Years later, I told Jeff that I had been on the other line during that conversation and how much his saying no had meant to me. His decision to stand up to peer pressure was something I’ve never forgotten. 

Kids and peer pressure 

You may have a child who, like Jeff, seems to have been born resistant to peer pressure. Your child is someone who the crowd can try to push all day, but they don’t budge. They have a firm sense of right and wrong, plus a sense of independence that doesn’t seem to care about what the crowd wants. 

However, it’s just as likely that you have the opposite type of child — one more like me. 

Because of their personality, desire to be popular, or a long list of other reasons, these kids can struggle with peer pressure. These kids need to know and learn that they can become peer pressure champions. It just takes a little bit of help and a parent who is willing to work with them. 

Here are three things that can help them deal with peer pressure. 

1. Help your kids learn how to spot peer pressure  

As your child moves into adolescence, they need to see what peer pressure is in real-life situations. You can use a definition of peer pressure that helps kids to understand the reality behind the term, for example: 

“Peer pressure is when someone wants you to move a boundary and cross a line you know you shouldn’t cross. These people do that by pushing you with their words: pressuring you with threats of cutting ties or wearing you down by continually nudging you to do something.”  

The two sides of peer pressure 
Once you’ve shared this definition with your kids, it’s time to narrow it down. Help your child to realise that the time is coming when they will face the two sides of peer pressure: 

        1) “I can’t miss it”, and 

        2) “It’s not going to hurt anyone”. 

The “I can’t miss it” side of peer pressure comes when someone flat out asks your child to erase or ignore a boundary. For instance, they may ask them to take drugs or do something illegal or harmful. Often, when a child says no to this thing they can’t miss, the person pressuring them may move to a sneakier tactic. 

Here is where someone tries to water down the consequences and make it look more attractive. They may say, “Come on. It’s not going to hurt anyone.” Perhaps they’ll use the phrase, “Everyone is doing it.” 

2. Teach your kids how to deal with peer pressure 

Once you’ve shared what peer pressure is, give your kids some tools to use when the challenge is real. Here are four tools that we gave to our kids. We encourage you to sit down with some older parents and determine which things helped their children. Come up with a list of tools for your kids as well. Chances are, you’ll create your own list of tools for your kids to choose from when they need them most.

A. Give your kids permission to make you the bad guy
We permitted our daughters to make us the bad guys anytime they needed to get out of doing something wrong. For example, a friend at school once asked them to go to a party they knew they shouldn’t attend. We always had things on the list for the girls to do, whether it be chores or a family movie night so that they could say in all honesty, “That sounds like you’re going to have a great time. But my parents have something going on that I need to help them with.” It was one option they could use when they needed to say no to peer pressure. 

Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances. 


B. Be their driver 24/7/365. All they have to do is call. 
We told both of our girls that if they ever got into a situation where someone was pushing them to cross a boundary or had made a wrong choice for themselves, that they could call us anytime. 24/7. No questions asked. They knew they had an escape clause from challenging situations, and each of them used it several times. 

We did talk about the circumstances later. But at that moment when the phone rang, and we knew it was a call for help, our daughters knew they wouldn’t hear a lecture right then. We never demanded an explanation or poured shame on them during the car ride home. For example, one instance was the night the girls left a movie and ended up at a party. They knew they needed to leave. They knew we were a phone call — not an angry lecture — away. Knowing we were available to help allowed them to make good decisions and move away from harmful circumstances.

C. Give them a code word if they need help
In addition to knowing that we would come to pick them up anytime, we gave our daughters a code word to use as well. For example, there were days that the phone would ring, and I’d hear, “Hey, Dad.” The tone in their voice made it clear that something was wrong. 

So we’d say to our daughter, “Say blue if you’re having fun or green if you want us to come and get you.” The code word gave them a way of calling for help if they were in a situation where they couldn’t talk openly. 

Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

D. Role play saying “No”
Helping your kids be comfortable with the word “no” before they get into a challenging situation is critical. For some kids, role-playing the three previous steps can help make them more comfortable standing up to peer pressure. Practising saying “no” to peer pressure and learning how to deal with it gave our kids more confidence and strength when it came time to use it. 

3. Coach them on how to live through the response  

You’ve defined peer pressure for your kids and have given them some tools to use when facing that pressure. But it’s also essential that you coach them on how to be ready for the other person’s reaction. 

If someone asks or pushes you to do something you don’t feel is right, if they are a real friend and are wise, they will back off when you’re saying no. Real friends won’t try another track to try and get you to cave in. Instead, they will respect your boundaries and will love and respect you more for calling them out. 

However, if you try and correct someone who refuses to listen, they will often get angry with you. 

Talk with your kids now about how, even if someone gets upset that you won’t go along with their demands, you don’t have to give in to their anger. They can call you as a parent, move away from that person, or get help from another friend or adult. 

If someone keeps pushing your child to do the wrong thing, tell them it’s okay to redefine the relationship. Let them know that it’s okay to still care for that person, but perhaps it’s time to move from being best friends to someone you say hello to at school. Coach your kids that they have a choice not to allow anyone to push them into doing wrong. They always have the option of saying no. 

Becoming a peer pressure champion 

Peer pressure is real. Be sure to talk about dealing with peer pressure early and often, as it will become a reality the older they get. Help your kids spot peer pressure, gain tools to deal with it, and be strong enough to deal with someone’s reaction to their saying no. Mastering these three tips will help your kid become a peer pressure champion. 

© 2020 Focus on the Family and Dr. John Trent. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Published at focusonthefamily.com. 

From Working Professional to Stay-at-Home Mum

Have you ever thought about switching from a dual-income household to a single-income one, and wondered if that is even feasible in Singapore? I’ve been at that crossroads before. Now, after seven years of marriage and two kids, we’ve decided to take the plunge. Here are some tips to consider should you wish to make such a major change.  

Calculate household expenses 

First and foremost, you must ensure that your household expenses are less than your take-home income after Central Provident Fund (CPF) deductions. While this sounds blatantly obvious, we must accept that some jobs simply do not pay high enough to fully cover a household’s daily expenses.  

Different families have different spending habits, but the average household expenditure is around $5,931, according to the latest data by the Singapore Department of Statistics.1 Calculate your household expenses as a family and ensure that, if there is only one income, the take-home salary is sufficient to cover those costs.   

Get appropriate insurance plans 

As the adage goes, “fail to plan, plan to fail”. One of the first things we did before our kids become toddlers was to get appropriate hospitalisation plans for them, as we recognised the need to meet their healthcare needs. If you delay getting your children’s insurance hospitalisation plans, you might end up getting more exclusions as they age which would be disadvantageous for them.  

Additionally, before we transitioned to becoming a single income household, we decided to increase my husband’s insurance plans. On top of my husband’s health insurance, we decided to make sure he has a (1) disability income insurance, (2) critical illness insurance and (3) life insurance, with a guaranteed amount that would keep us afloat for several months should he suddenly be unable to work.  

Ensure sufficient savings for a rainy day 

According to the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS), the general rule of thumb is to have at least three to six months’ worth of household expenses as savings.2 I personally agree with this because we will need that buffer for sudden emergencies such as medical issues, accidents or a loss of job. If possible, it is best to have six to nine months’ worth of savings to reduce the stress and pressure of finding another job immediately.  

Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change. 

Aligning goals, values and priorities 

My husband and I decided to become a single-income household because our kids were very young. After our first child was born, I was a stay-home mum for two years. When our second child arrived, I could return to work remotely due to the changes brought about by COVID-19, and I worked full-time only because the role allowed me to work from home.  

The bottom line was that I simply wanted to spend more time with my children during their formative years. I believe it is ideal if one parent can stay home to monitor, supervise and inculcate the right values in our children. Although my husband is at the office working, we share common goals and values. Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change.  

There is a time for everything 

I decided to stay home because my kids were still little, and juggling work with pumping milk every three hours, sleep deprivation, and caring for two children was too exhausting. Furthermore, I wanted to foster a strong bond with them and make daily conversations a habit, so that we will continue to have a close relationship as they grow up.  

No employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. 

While I had to accept that my career would take a pause, the time I got to spend with my kids during their early developmental years was priceless. I could take on freelance or part-time jobs in the future when they are older, but for now, I would like to be my kids’ main caretaker.  

The ultimatum came one day when I realised that no employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. While my parents, in-laws or helper can help with parenting, I have a unique role in their lives and I wanted to maximise it by spending both qualitative and quantitative time with them, even if it means sacrificing financial comfort for several years.  

Gratitude, contentment and wisdom 

What keeps me going is gratitude for simple things, like enjoying a weekly cup of hawker kopi instead of Starbucks, saving money from 11/11 or Black Friday sales, and planning nutritious meals based on what’s on sale. A person may have great wealth yet still feel it’s never enough. The key to enjoying life is not about how much you earn, but being content with what you have.  

Choosing the right job, managing daily commitments while monitoring household income and expenses all require wisdom. Which enrichment classes should my kids take? How much can we afford for our family holiday? We are thankful that God has given us wisdom to make good choices and provided for our daily needs as we transited to becoming a single-income household.  

Re-writing the Parenting Script

At a Glance:

The way parents speak to their children is often shaped by how they were parented. This article explores how inherited communication patterns can harm or heal, and offers practical ways to rewrite our parenting scripts to nurture emotionally secure children.”

Before we dive into a discussion on how to rewrite the parenting script, there’s something we need to think through. As with any script, we need to first understand what the original version was and how it came about.  

In the case of parenting scripts, we first need to know how it was like for our parents when they were kids being raised by their parents. Because, as it’s often said and experienced, many of us parent the way we ourselves were parented! 

Parenting in the past 

In modern times, parenting tips are bandied around a lot. In fact, every parent today can get spot-on help in real time with a simple click of a computer mouse, a flick of their finger as they scroll through their social media feeds, or by calling upon Gemini, Siri, ChatGPT or any number of AI-enabled software. Not forgetting of course consulting other humans – friends, colleagues and so on. 

But in the old days, parenting wasn’t seen as a skill to be honed or tips to be learned. Nor were parenting articles and books relentlessly occupying newspaper and magazine columns, or lining shelf after shelf in bookstores and libraries like they are now. (Don’t even get me started on today’s digital spaces, where mummy blogs and daddy podcasts are all the rage!) 

Parenting in the old days was just something that was done. Period. No pregnant (pun fully intended) pauses. Or moments for contemplation. Or workshops to attend on how to raise great kids. People simply went about their daily lives looking after the little ones the way they saw fit, or how they saw their neighbours do it.  

Not only that, but parenting was something done not just by a father and a mother. It often involved a community – extended family, distant relatives, neighbours and even fellow villagers or town folks within a radius of 500 metres regularly chipped in to look after and watch over one another’s kids. 

That often means the oldest person in any given space is typically the one seen as the sage on the stage. The one that calls the shots, so to speak, as to how to raise kids. Which unfortunately, can be a double-edged sword, if you acknowledge the existence of what psychologists term adverse childhood experiences (ACE).  

Adverse childhood experiences 

These refer to traumatic events people undergo in their childhood, such as emotional neglect, abuse, parental death or separation, just to name a few. 

The impact of such events, which usually happen in the first 18 years of life, continues in direct and indirect ways across a person’s lifespan, and leads to higher costs of healthcare and productivity losses at work. 

According to the Singapore Mental Health Study by the Institute of Mental Health and KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital that was released in June 2024, the economic and social costs of ACE can amount to some $1.18 billion a year in absenteeism, reduced productivity and use of healthcare resources in our country. 

In an earlier part of the study that began in 2016, it was found that two out of three grown-ups here have ACE. It would be no surprise if some of these ACE were “bestowed” upon them by the elders and adults in their lives while growing up, beginning with spoken words that wound. 

Being “dis-ed” from young 

The unavoidable truth of life is that elders often hold sway and authority in every culture. What they say often gets transmitted (or worse, committed) to their children’s and grandchildren’s (listening) muscle memory.  

Especially stuff that sounds “dis”, or dismissive and disrespectful. 

Stuff like, “Shhh…kids should be seen, not heard”.
“Do as you’re told!”
“Stop being a cry-baby.” “You’re a good-for-nothing!”  

Growing up, our ancestors, parents and ourselves have all heard versions of these before, and many more such curt one-liners. Even now, we still hear them. And if we’re being honest, we’re also the ones who often say them!  

These hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

The reason is simple: Muscle memory kicks in, especially when time is tight and tempers are taut. So when we adults want a quick fix, these one-liners often do the trick of helping us parents and grandparents grab attention, maintain order and wrangle obeisance from our kids.  

Even if for a few minutes.  

However, these hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

Far worse is the very real possibility that kids grow up not loving and believing in themselves, but needing constant reassurance that they have intrinsic worth and are more than enough. 

Let’s rewrite the parenting script! 

While it might be too late for the sage elderlies in our midst to change their set ways, there is still plenty of opportunity for the current generation of parents to rewrite the script.  

For instance, instead of shushing a child who wants to be heard, gently guide the child on when is an appropriate moment to speak, especially if, say, you’re hosting many guests but your child needs your attention.  

Take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset. 

Instead of saying “Do as you’re told”, why not ask the child how he or she would like to do whatever is the pressing task at hand. Turn it into a teachable moment on how to negotiate, which is a prized soft skill in any human setting. 

“You’re a good-for-nothing” is often said in a heated moment (and for the most part, does not represent how the parent truly feels about his or her child). Instead, take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset to the point of saying something so harsh. 

Granted, these will require from parents a lot more patience and practice than the knee-jerk one-liners hastily blurted out in so many an unfortunate parent-child moment. And for sure, most of us will not succeed right away to rewrite the parenting script handed down to us. 

Still, we shouldn’t give up but persevere. 

For surely the last thing anyone wants is to raise up a generation where, instead of two, now three out of three adults have ACE! 

Right? 

How Do I Talk to My Child About Boy-Girl Relationships?

Talking to our children about relationships isn’t going to be a one-time event — we can start building opportunities for a series of age-appropriate, ongoing conversations built on trust and openness.

Whether they are just starting to notice the opposite gender, navigating crushes, or exploring serious relationships, here’s how you can walk with them through this journey — without being overly “nosy” or out of touch.  

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged.

General principles to keep in mind

Principle 1: Connection before correction

Many of us grew up in households where relationships were either taboo or joked about (“Eh, got boyfriend or not?”). But a real conversation starts with building trust — not waiting until your child has someone to “confess” about.

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged. That starts with small, daily conversations, not only serious “talks.”

Be curious about their world. Don’t dismiss their feelings — even if a crush seems trivial to you, it may mean the world to them.

I remember a mum friend who shared with me how her son, a Secondary 1 boy, once casually said, “I think I like someone in class.” Her first instinct was to panic and lecture him on ‘not now, you must focus on your studies!’ Instead, she paused, breathed, and simply asked, “Tell me more.” That small moment opened a door to conversation. And months later, he came to her again — when his ‘almost-relationship’ fizzled and he felt lost.

Principle 2: Focus on character, not control

It’s important to go beyond setting rules like “no dating until you’re older.”

Ask introspective questions and have discussions that help your child grow into someone who knows how to respect and be respected in any relationship:

  • “What do you look for in a friend or partner?”
  • “What does kindness or respect look like in a relationship?”
  • “How do you want to be treated — and how will you treat others?”

Focus on what makes a relationship respectful, healthy, and grounded in shared values. These are lessons they will carry into adulthood.

What would you do if your 13-year-old daughter came home saying two classmates were “together”?

Rather than brush it off, you could gently ask: “What do you think it means when people say they’re dating at this age?” and use that opportunity to open the door to a reflective, age-appropriate conversation on emotional maturity and friendship boundaries.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

Principle 3: Keep the conversation going

Use real life opportunities to talk. Books, movies, songs, newspaper stories or even situations involving peers can be natural entry points for meaningful discussion, especially when children are less open to direct questioning.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

When they reach their mid-teens or older, we need to change our approach. Typically, as they inch nearer to adulthood, they won’t need our “recommendations” or “reservations” as much as they need us to be available and patient in our listening.

In these times, we can afford to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Remember that our children are making choices and maturing in their decision making, especially emotionally and relationally. We can show up with our presence and availability when they need our advice or support.

I recall a mother friend sharing that her daughter, in her third year of polytechnic, broke off a relationship before a major project. Instead of questioning the timing, she listened, affirmed her daughter’s decision to prioritise her well-being, and reminded her that relationships should support — not undermine — her goals.

Age-Specific Guidance

Tween years (10–12)

Curiousity & crushes

What’s happening:

They are beginning to notice the opposite gender. Crushes, teasing, and curiosity are common, especially as puberty kicks in.

What to say and do:

  • Normalise, don’t dramatise. Say things like: “It’s totally okay to like someone — it’s part of growing up.”
  • Clarify boundaries. Help them understand what respectful friendships look like and talk about consent in age-appropriate ways.
  • Discuss respectful behaviour. “If someone teases you about liking someone, what can you do?”
  • Discuss media messages. Many tweens get their ideas about love and romance from Netflix, YouTube or TikTok. Use those moments to ask: “Do you think that’s what real relationships are like?”
  • Keep the door open. Assure them: “You can always come to me if you feel unsure or have questions.”

Teen years (13–15): Exploring first relationships

What’s happening:

Real emotions, romantic feelings, and possibly first relationships begin. Peer pressure and insecurity may grow.

What to say and do:

  • Talk about emotional readiness. Not every teen is ready for a relationship. Ask reflective questions like: “What do you think makes a relationship healthy?”, “Do your friends talk about dating? What do you think about it?”
  • Discuss respect and boundaries. Use clear examples: “If someone pressures you to do something you’re not comfortable with, that’s not love.”
  • Acknowledge feelings. Don’t downplay heartbreak or infatuation. Instead say: “I remember liking someone at that age too — it felt so intense!”
  • Set your family values. Share your beliefs honestly but respectfully. Instead of commanding, try: “In our family, we believe relationships should be built on trust and respect.”

Encourage self-respect. “You don’t have to be in a relationship to be valued. What do you like about yourself?”

Emerging Years (16–19): Developing mature relationships

What’s happening:

By this stage, your child may begin experiencing more serious relationships. Many are also navigating identity, independence, and the tension between wanting emotional closeness and fulfilling academic or life responsibilities.

What they need from you:

  • Respect for their growing autonomy.
  • Candid conversations about intimacy, emotional safety, and long-term thinking.
  • Assurance that they can always come to you — especially when things go wrong.

What to say and do:

  • Shift from control to coaching. Your tone matters. Be less directive and more guiding. Ask: “What are you learning about yourself through this relationship?”
  • Talk about values and goals. Encourage them to think long-term: “Does this relationship help you grow?” or “Does it align with your beliefs or who you want to become?”
  • Discuss physical boundaries honestly. If your values include abstinence for example, state them respectfully and explain your reasons.

Be a sounding board, not a judge. If they make mistakes or get hurt, respond with compassion, not lectures.

De-stressing Exam Stressors

Exam stresses can be distressing, both for kids and parents. However, since stress is something that everyone experiences regardless of life stage, learning to de-stress our stressors is a vital skill to develop.   

For our schooling children, exam stress could be an unlikely opportunity to grow in emotional regulation skills that will aid them through life. Likewise, for us parents, managing our own stress when our kids are going through exams can also strengthen us.  

Mother of two Jasmine Lu, who is also a parent-coach specialising in emotional intelligence, quoted litigator Maureen Killoran – “She once said stress is not what happens to us, it’s our response to what happens”.  

As we reframe ourselves out of a victim mindset that stress is something uncontrollable that just happens to me, we gain emotional strength to control our responses.  
 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why.

Reason for concern 

In parenting our children when stressed, we must also be self-aware. Citing a case where a parent Jasmine was coaching was very concerned about her daughter taking the national exams, she found out that the parent was herself an English teacher and carried the stress that if her child should fail the English test, it would reflect badly on herself.  

“When she shared that, it became clearer that actually it was her own fears of what people might say,” said Jasmine, who also runs a podcast for parents called The Eq-xperimental Parent. 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why and choose to work on ourselves so we don’t impose the feelings of stress on our children.  

“We have to remind ourselves our children are like sponges. They absorb everything that we project on them and they ‘squeeze it out’ by reflecting it… It’s our own securities, our own fears that they are absorbing, and they’re going to learn which will form patterns and become their default stress coping techniques,” she said. 
 

The first step to getting a handle on your emotions is to identify it. Here is a free exam prep cheat sheet for parents and kids to manage exam stress well.

Download PDF now (2.62 MB)

Thoughts, feelings, actions 

Our thoughts, feelings and actions are all interlinked. If we want our kids to take certain actions, we must guide their thoughts and feelings as well.  

Jasmine defined high emotional quotient (EQ) as “being intelligent with your emotions” which requires “very high self-awareness” and will also help you “read the mood of the room, showing empathy and relationship management”.  

How do we use high EQ to help our children manage exam stress? Well, the first step to getting a handle of your emotions is to identify it.  

“We call it ‘name it to tame it’. So, if you are able to name your emotion, it’s been scientifically backed that you’re more likely able to tame that emotion because… you’re actually engaging your logical brain to be back in control,” shared Jasmine. She added that naming the emotion also sends your brain the signal that you understand what is going on, which helps reduce the intensity of neurochemicals it creates.  

So helping your kids name their feelings is a huge first step. Since the pre-frontal cortex that controls their logical reasoning is yet to be fully developed, it is only in co-regulation that they will learn emotional regulating skills.  

To aid our children in developing their emotional literacy and coping skills, avoid questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, ask open-ended questions and don’t rush to prescribe an answer. Allow them to feel and sit in their feelings. 

“This is about their feelings, so it should be about them. So, the way we talk to them should open up conversations about how they feel, and not become like a whole sharing session about oh, in my time that’s how I did it,” she cautioned.  

Be genuinely curious about what’s going on in their world and don’t be afraid if they take a while to find the words to express themselves. Every child is different, so while one may pour out their feelings, another may not, and you would need to read their body language instead. Whichever way, if you can learn to hold space for them, it helps them learn that you genuinely want to know more.  

 C.A.L.M.  

For a growth mindset and resilient outlook, Jasmine shares a framework that she uses in her own coaching:  

C – Categorise your emotions  
What am I feeling? Name it to tame it. Is it just sadness? Or is it disappointment?  

A – Appraise your emotions  
What is this emotion trying to tell me? Is my sadness making me feel hopeless? Is there a sense of despair because I feel stuck? Do I feel like I am a failure because I find this hard?  

L – Look for options  
What can I do to change these emotions? In a growth mindset, you can avoid feeling trapped and powerless by learning to adapt during difficult situations. Help your children anchor themselves back on certain truths, like remembering they are valued regardless of their results.  

M – Move  
What can I do to move my child or myself out of this situation? Come up with a plan to take bite-sized practical steps away from the heaviness of the emotions. Small in-the-moment actions like learning not to focus on the mountain of exams, but just on that day’s learning can be very liberating. You may have to brainstorm for bigger long-term plans like schedule changes for your children and help them identify rewards that can help them stay on track in a happier manner.  

Like everything worth doing, there will be highs and lows in your journey as a parent helping your child de-stress. Take heart and stay adaptable with a growth mindset, and always make sure your children know how they are valued as themselves, not for their results. What you do now with exam stress matters for them as the budding young men and women they are growing into!   

Why Does My Child Procrastinate? And What To Do About It

As parents, few things are more frustrating than watching our children procrastinate. Whether it’s unfinished homework, delayed chores, or missed deadlines, it’s easy to jump to our own conclusions.  

“Why are you always like that?” we might ask in an impatient tone.  

Or, “I told you to do it so many times already, but you never listen!” 

But what if procrastination isn’t about laziness at all? 

In this article, we interviewed Paul Lim, a trained counsellor and senior lecturer at the Singapore Management University,  to unpack the deeper emotional roots of procrastination—and discover how we can better respond to our kids with care and empathy. 

Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task.

Procrastination vs. laziness  

Paul shares that procrastination and laziness may look similar, but they stem from very different places. 

“Procrastination is not laziness; it’s a matter of managing your emotions,” Paul explains. “The root of procrastination is fear.” 

Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task. So it is not because they don’t care, but because they feel overwhelmed or inadequate. 

Laziness, on the other hand, is marked by a complete lack of interest or motivation, even when the task is easily achievable. “Be careful not to confuse disinterest that stems from fear and anxiety with laziness,” Paul cautions.

The emotions that cause avoidance 

Many teens procrastinate because they feel helpless or hopeless about the situation. They think to themselves, “I try and try, but the results don’t change.” After a while, they begin to ask, “Why bother?” 

This spiral can lead to what psychologists call learned helplessness—a state where the child no longer believes their efforts will make a difference. Coupled with additional pressure from school, society, and even well-meaning parents, it’s no wonder some kids shut down, explains Paul. 

This is where, as parents, we may need to first examine our own intentions. As Paul quips, “If you want to help your child deal with procrastination, you must first help yourself.” 

He challenges parents to reflect on their own anxieties and tendencies to control the child. Some questions we can ask are: “Are we projecting our fears onto our children? Are we trying to control outcomes because we’re afraid of what the future holds?”

Seek connection, not compliance

Paul warns against mistaking compliance for obedience. When children comply just to avoid punishment or conflict, they may internalize the idea that love is transactional. 

“My students call it the law of bo-bien (a Hokkien phrase which means no choice),” Paul says. “They comply to get their parents off their backs.” 

This kind of parenting may seem effective in the short term, but it can erode the parent-child relationship over time. 

Children may grow up believing that their worth is tied to performance, not who they are. 

Be curious before you react

So what should parents do when they notice procrastination? Paul’s advice is simple but profound: ask why. 

“The first response is not to scold or accuse. The first thing to do is ask, ‘Why?’” 

As parents, we also need to watch our tone. A frustrated “Why haven’t you done your homework?” won’t open doors to our children’s hearts. But a calm and curious “Can I ask why?” or “What happened?” might. 

Paul shares a story about his son, who was avoiding piano practice. After some gentle probing, Paul discovered that his son felt he had to be perfect. “He was disqualifying himself before he even started,” Paul says. 

By exploring the emotion behind the behaviour, Paul was able to help his son reframe his expectations and build confidence. 

Don’t dismiss their emotions  

Another key takeaway: don’t deny your child’s emotions. 

“If they feel scared, they’re scared. If they feel overwhelmed, they’re overwhelmed. As parents, we must give them the right to feel that way.” 

Paul emphasises that while the facts of the situation may not always match the feelings, the feelings are still valid. And when we normalise these emotions and respond to our children with empathy, we are also helping them learn to bridge this gap over time. 

Ask, What happened to me? 

As parents, we may have to do the hard work ourselves too. Paul observes that many parents have not had the space and time to process their own emotions. Perhaps we may have grown up having our emotions denied or dismissed.  

He advises for us to take some time to ask ourselves: What happened to me? 

For if our goal is to raise emotionally healthy children, we must first do the inner work ourselves. 

“If you really want to be the best parent you can be, you first have to sort yourself out. Otherwise, it’s going to continue with this cycle… and your kids will pass that down to your grandchildren,” advises Paul. 

Procrastination isn’t just a behavioural issue—it’s an emotional one. And parenting is as much about self-awareness as it is about teaching and guiding our young. 

So the next time your child puts off homework or chores, pause. Ask why. Listen without judgment. Hold back the scolding and nagging. Instead, take time to connect with them emotionally. Remember: the journey to helping our children be their best selves starts with us. 

What If We’re Not Sexually Compatible?

In popular media, dating and sex are often portrayed to come together. The idea of sexual compatibility and that you should “try before you buy” may seem attractive to young teens, but is that all there is to it? 

The Teen Years (Ages 13-15)

During the teen years, your child may be more curious about the opposite sex, and have questions about dating. This is a good time to open conversations with your teen about the right time to start dating.  

As your child may not be able to easily distinguish between an infatuation and being in love, you may also want to explain the difference between a crush and a committed relationship.  

This is also a good opportunity to involve family values when talking about building healthy and mutually respectful relationships.  

For example, on the value of abstinence in a young person’s life, we could explain by saying: “When we are young, we may not be sure if we will eventually marry the person we’re dating. So it could be wise to abstain from sexual intimacy before marriage, in order to enjoy this special and beautiful gift with our spouse within the commitment of marriage.” 

Emerging Years (16-19 years) 

In the emerging years, you can take discussions with your child about relationships and physical intimacy further.  

Ask them questions to stimulate their thinking about the issue. For example:  

  • What do you think sex is for? 
  • What happens when two people engage in sexually intimate acts? 
  • What are the consequences of sex before marriage? How about within marriage? 

Be prepared to delve deeper into the topic with your child. You can start by explaining the neurochemical processes that happen during sex: hormones such as oxytocin are released to foster feelings of closeness and loyalty between two people engaged in sexual intimacy. Ask them to think about what might happen if they do not eventually marry the one whom they had sex with. What are the emotional and physical consequences of this outcome?  

True intimacy thrives on a foundation of mutual love and respect. The idea of sexual compatibility as finding that special someone whom you will have great sex with immediately is quite a media fantasy. Contrary to media portrayals, one often finds that we need to work at sex, the same way we need to work hard in our marriage. Ask any couple and they will likely tell you that sexual intimacy grows over time, in tandem with emotional closeness and openness in communication. 

Furthermore, if we approach sex from the viewpoint of simply gratifying our own needs, does this mean that we should keep looking for a new partner once the relationship’s honeymoon stage wears off?  

If you are getting married to someone you love and respect and can be vulnerable with, that’s the best head start you can get to building lifelong intimacy with your spouse. 

Want to be equipped to lead conversations about love and relationships with your youths? Join us at the upcoming Healthy Sexuality Masterclass in August! 

Habits Of Love I Learnt From My Family

The notion of ‘Family of origin’ was something I recently learnt in a Focus on The Family’s programme: ‘Family Future Makers’. Family of origin refers to the family that an individual was raised or born into.  In that session, I learnt the significance of the family of origin, and its impact on who I am today through introspection and reflection.  

How we relate with fellow family members, how family members relate with one another, and how each family member is like as an individual can all have an influence on who we are today.   

For me, my family of origin consists of my mum, dad, and my siblings – an older brother and sister. In this article, I will focus on how my father’s interactions with the rest of my family have shaped me for the better and for the worse. Let’s start with how it has shaped me for the better.  

How Dad shaped me for the better 

My father is a man of few words and is a perfect prototype of the ‘Asian father’. He is not the most expressive with words, but instead, his love is in the form of food and gifts. We never have a shortage of snacks at home, and even a slight mention of how a certain snack is nice would mean multiple restocks over the next few weeks.  

As I think about who I am today and the way I show love to others, I realised that my father’s method of silent love and quiet service was something I caught quite easily. I subtly think of others whenever I am out; sometimes I buy snacks or items that I remember that others had mentioned they needed in past conversations.  

It is a very natural thing for me to do, and I also feel glad when I see the joy in others when I love them through these small gifts.  

My father modelled to me how love can be through acts of provision and cultivated in me a habit of thinking of others. 

Learning to be more expressive 

My father’s silent love has also influenced how verbal I am about my thoughts and feelings. While I appreciate his method of love today, I did not always do so. When I was 15, after an argument with him, I remember thinking to myself: “He can only say hurtful things to me! He can’t even say ‘I love you’, is it really that hard? What’s the point of buying us (me and my siblings) so many things but he can’t do that?” 

While I swore to be different from my father in this aspect, I see that I too, also tend to keep my thoughts to myself and am not the most expressive person to my friends and even to my partner. One day, my partner made a passing comment about how I am not the most verbally expressive when it comes to my love for her but that she sees it through my actions. Her observation made me think about how I relate with friends and even family members. I realised that I was inclined to express my love through actions rather than words of appreciation. As a result, there were times when I fail to express my gratitude to the people around me well. I would awkwardly smile or buy them a gift, but rarely would I verbally express my gratitude.  Being on the receiving end of love that mostly expresses itself in actions, I know that gifts cannot fully replace verbally expressing how I feel.  

In recent years, I learnt from my mother that my father struggles to express himself because of his family of origin. Fights were frequent among his family members and there was much distrust even up till today. There were far more arguments than conversations between each family member. This has helped me understand why he choose to love through gifts instead of words.  

Growing up in such a hostile environment must have meant that staying silent and keeping to yourself was easier than trying to have conversations. Since then, I have learnt to see his actions of provision as a way he says, “I love you”.  

Thankfully, my father has also learnt to be more expressive towards us as the years past and I finally heard my father say those precious three words when I was 19, during my national service, which was a major milestone in our relationship! 

He has even started to be more open with his thoughts and feelings, though there are still times he would remain reserved. Lately, he even shared with us his thoughts about whether he should retire soon, which gave us a rare opportunity to support him emotionally – something I was glad to do seeing how much as he has supported us materially all these years. 

 Reflecting on how my father’s family of origin has shaped him and how my family of origin has shaped me and the way I love, has helped me to have a clearer idea on what I hope to bring into my future family.  

I hope to love like how my father did and is doing today. Providing for every need where I can and taking joy in meeting the needs of my wife and children.  

However, it also made clear to me what I hope to unlearn as I think about my future family. I want to unlearn thought patterns on how I am meant to keep everything to myself. Instead, I hope to be a husband and father that expresses his love to his family verbally and not just through material provision. I hope to never stop telling my loved ones that I love them and not assume that they know it.  

May you also be encouraged to think about your family of origin and how it has shaped you or is influencing who you are today, be it in a positive or negative way. By returning to our family of origin, we can shape our family of the future for the better. 

Author: Lam Zi Yang is a final year student at NUS pursuing a double major in Psychology and Business Management. In his free time, he enjoys going to the gym and playing with cats! 

The Family Future Makers programme provides development opportunities for young leaders who are keen to contribute as active citizens to uphold family values as foundational to nation-building in Singapore. Registration for our 2026 run of Family Future Makers is open! Register here: https://www.famchamps.sg/FFM2026.