Published on 12 May, 2026
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
At a glance:
Have you noticed your child touching their private parts out of curiosity? Or your teenager going shy at the sight of an attractive person? Humans are sexual beings. The sexual urges and desires we feel are part and parcel of a person’s development and experience.
In psychology, sexual desire is the subjective feeling of wanting (or longing) to engage in sexual activity. It can appear spontaneously or in response to stimuli or pleasure, triggered externally (erotic material, situations) or internally (fantasies and thoughts). In other words, sexual desire is an emotional or mental response.
This is in contrast to sexual arousal. For most people, sexual arousal tends to begin around puberty (ages 10-14). It is a physiological response triggered by sexual stimuli that expresses itself in physical sensations like feeling of warmth, heart rate acceleration, tingling, dilation of arteries in the genital area. Sexual arousal is a physical response.
We need to give our children handles to understand what is happening and learn to respond in an age-appropriate manner.
While they are closely related, and often happen together, it is not always necessarily so. It is possible to have arousal without desire and vice versa. More often than not though, arousal does indicate some form of desire, and desire may lead to arousal.
Importantly, what matters is learning how to manage our desires safely and healthily. We need to give our children handles to understand what is happening and learn to respond in an age-appropriate manner.
By doing so, we hope to avoid the pain and negative consequences of inappropriate sexual activity.
Primary years (7-9)
Tween years (10-12)
Children are curious about the world. Naturally, they will also be curious about their bodies. At this age, children may notice and ask questions about male and female genitals. They may touch their own genitals, and for some, even masturbate in private. Others may form affectionate relationships with their peers—holding hands or hugging.
We should address our children’s questions clearly and unashamedly, using proper terms. We can help them understand the purpose of our private parts and why we should keep them private, and that people should not be touching them inappropriately and vice versa.
Relatedly, we should also set boundaries as to how they show affection to other children or adults. Not every person (young or old) may be comfortable with physical affection. We want to keep our children safe and give them a healthy understanding of their growing sexual development.
Teen years (13-16)
Emerging years (17-19)
As tweens and teenagers experience puberty, they will have an increased awareness of sexual attraction and how their body responds accordingly. They may start to feel heightened sensations (arousal) when they are around people they are attracted to. With attraction comes desire. Teenagers will need to learn how to manage these desires, whether they are in a romantic relationship or not.
As they age, teenagers may start to think about their values and beliefs about sex and relationships. In response to arousal and desire, they may express it by masturbating in private or exploring erotic material. They may also choose to pursue physically intimate relationships. Not every action is safe or healthy.
The teenage years can be a challenging and confusing time. Their prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making and impulse control) is still developing, often leading to a general lack of self-control. Coupled with hormonal changes and peer influence, teens may engage in reckless behaviour. To leave them without guidance and instruction would be a disservice to them.
While we may not be able to control our sexual arousal, we can control our sexual desires for safe and healthy sexual development.
It is all the more pertinent to keep communication lines open to talk through the physical, mental, emotional and sexual experiences our teenagers are going through. Such conversations do not have to be long but they should communicate that these developments are a normal part of life.
Even then, their sexual arousal and desire need to be managed carefully and safely so that they do not end up harming themselves or others. As parents, we want to set clear boundaries in their friendships and dating relationships to prevent unsafe sexual behaviour. Remind them that there will always be consequences to any action.
Sexual arousal and desire aren’t the issue – what matters is what we do about them. While we may not be able to control our sexual arousal, we can control our sexual desires for safe and healthy sexual development. Not all sexual desires should be acted upon.
Just because a person is sexually aroused does not give them the right to touch or engage in sexual activity with another person. Any sexual act carried out without consent constitutes a criminal offence. This also includes recording, possessing or sharing intimate photos or videos of others without explicit permission. Further, under Singapore law, persons under the age of 16 are unable to legally consent to any sexual activity.
Likewise, while pleasuring oneself through masturbation may seem inconsequential, it can become an issue if it interferes with physical health or other social settings. A person’s view of sex can also be distorted if there is a constant desire to watch pornography or other erotic material. Engaging in such sexual activity is generally unhelpful in forming a healthy view of sex and relationships.
It would be wise to teach our children to be aware of how they are feeling and to remove themselves from situations that may make it difficult to control themselves, possibly leading to unsafe sexual activity.
These scenarios may include being in a private space with another person, or when they come across sexual content while browsing the internet.
We may think that living out and fulfilling our sexual desires is what will make us most happy. However, sexual desire is most satisfying and safely expressed in a loving, committed relationship, i.e. marriage.
Any other forms may lead to brokenness and mistrust. Let’s help our children understand how harmful it can be if we let our sexual desires run free without control. Assure them that what they experience is normal but also give them the tools to manage it for healthy development.
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
Nelson and Gina
Workshop: May 2026
Nelson and Gina Lee have been accredited facilitators with Focus on the Family Singapore for over a decade, beginning their involvement conducting relationship talks for tertiary students since 2011.
Driven by a passion for nurturing strong relationships, they have extensive experience in facilitating dating workshops for courting couples and pre-marital programmes for those considering marriage. They have also have led marriage retreats designed to deepen connection and commitment among married couples.
