Resource Type: Articles

Infidelity: How to rebuild trust after an affair?

Rebuilding trust after an affair is a complex, emotional journey. The betrayal of infidelity shakes the very foundation of a marriage, leaving both spouses grappling with pain, anger, guilt, and a deep sense of loss. 

However, healing is possible if both parties are committed to the process. As Nah Kiat Yong, a counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore with over 11 years of experience, shares, “The journey of healing is not just about moving past the affair; it’s about addressing the trauma, rebuilding trust, and creating a new marriage.”

 

“The couple needs to work very hard. They need a lot of energy and vulnerability to open up and share their feelings and thoughts.” 

Understanding the emotional fallout 

Before delving into the steps of healing, it’s essential to acknowledge the emotional impact of infidelity. The pain experienced by the betrayed spouse is profound, often likened to trauma or PTSD. Symptoms like hypervigilance, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts are common.  

As Kiat Yong notes, “The betrayed often come in with emotional pain—some numb out, others have episodes of emotional explosion. Sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and depression are also prevalent.” 

The betrayer, too, suffers, though in different ways. Shame, guilt, and helplessness dominate their emotional landscape, and they may also be grieving the loss of their affair partner. Both spouses are in pain, and the healing process is neither linear nor easy. “The couple needs to work very hard,” says Kiat Yong. “They need a lot of energy and vulnerability to open up and share their feelings and thoughts.” 

“The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, express remorse, and take responsibility. If they have committed the affair, they have to admit it.” 

The importance of a safe space

One of the first steps in rebuilding trust is creating a safe space for the betrayed spouse to express their emotional pain. This involves using “I” statements to avoid escalating conflicts. Instead of saying, “You make me so angry,” the betrayed should express, “I am angry.” This approach helps prevent the betrayer from becoming defensive, allowing for a more productive dialogue. 

Kiat Yong emphasises the need for the betrayed spouse to ask questions about the affair repeatedly. This process, though painful, is crucial for the betrayed to make sense of their emotions and verify the consistency of their spouse’s answers. However, Kiat Yong advises against asking about the sexual details of the affair, as these can create lasting and damaging images that are difficult to overcome.  

Navigating the shame cycle 

For the betrayer, facing these questions can feel like an unbearable ordeal. They may feel cornered, eager to move on, or even protective of their spouse and/or their affair partner. Yet, avoiding these questions only prolongs the healing process. As Kiat Yong explains, “The more the betrayer is not forthcoming, the more the betrayed will poke and ask, and we cannot move on.”

The shame cycle can further complicate the process. When the betrayer falls into defensiveness, rationalisation, or justification, it only deepens the betrayed spouse’s pain. Instead, the betrayer must acknowledge their actions, express remorse, and take responsibility. “If they have committed the affair, they have to admit, ‘I made the wrong decision. I made the wrong choice. I have betrayed you.'” 

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about understanding the impact of the betrayal and choosing to move forward.”

The role of forgiveness in rebuilding trust 

Forgiveness is a critical component of rebuilding trust, but it must come after the betrayed spouse has fully expressed their pain and the betrayer has acknowledged their wrongdoing.

Kiat Yong asserts, “To the extent that we forgive is the extent we can rebuild trust.” However, forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about understanding the impact of the betrayal and choosing to move forward.

The betrayer must demonstrate sincere remorse and a willingness to change. This can be as simple as one’s daily actions—being more present, taking on household chores, or simply being there when the betrayed spouse needs to talk.

Actions speak louder than words in this stage of healing. As Kiat Yong puts it, “The brain of the betrayed is traumatised. The brain cannot trust anymore. So, if the spouse says, ‘I will choose you. I want the marriage. I will do anything,’ the betrayed will say, ‘But I don’t believe you because I can’t believe you. I want to believe you, but I can’t.'”

“The couple must work together to establish new patterns of interaction and address any lingering issues that may have contributed to the affair.” 

Rebuilding trust: a new marriage 

After forgiveness comes the work of rebuilding trust—not just in the betrayer but also in oneself. The betrayed spouse often struggles with self-doubt, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust their senses. They may wonder how they could have been deceived without suspecting anything, leading to thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my senses? I can’t even trust my senses. How can I trust myself again?”

Kiat Yong asserts that patience, consistency, and assurance from the betrayer will help the betrayed regain trust and confidence in themselves. It takes effort from both sides and compassion from the betrayer.

The focus must then shift to creating a new marriage. The old marriage, often marked by disconnection and unmet needs, has died. The couple must work together to establish new patterns of interaction and address any lingering issues that may have contributed to the affair.

This process is unique to each marriage and must be uncovered through counselling sessions. “We basically look at past interaction patterns as well as certain needs that have not been met,” Kiat Yong says. “The couple needs to work on this for the new marriage.” 

Preventing future trust issues

To prevent future trust issues, it is crucial for the betrayer to be emotionally available and supportive, especially during moments of triggers, flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts. Understanding the damage caused to the marriage and genuinely working towards healing are vital. As Kiat Yong points out, “If any man loves his wife and understands the damage, he will not do it again.”

Motivation is also a key element in successful recovery. Couples who are motivated to work on their marriage, who are willing to do the hard work of opening up, being vulnerable, and consistently showing up for each other, are more likely to recover well and quickly. 

“The biggest element is motivation,” Kiat Yong concludes. “If they are motivated to work on recovery, they will recover well and fast.”

A journey of hope and renewal 

Rebuilding trust after an affair is undoubtedly challenging, but it is not impossible. With commitment, vulnerability, and a willingness to face the pain head-on, couples can not only recover but also build a stronger, more connected marriage.

It requires both spouses to be patient with the process, to support each other through the emotional ups and downs, and to focus on creating a new, healthier relationship. In the words of Kiat Yong, “The old marriage has died, and they must focus on rebuilding the new marriage.”

Should my Teen Read Sexually Explicit Books?

Is your teen getting their book recommendations from TikTok? The popular hashtag #BookTok often features books with mature content, which may not be suitable for younger readers.  

As a parent, it is important to be aware of the potential red flags associated with #BookTok recommendations and to consider various factors when deciding whether to allow your teen to read such materials. 

What is #BookTok? 

#BookTok is a subcommunity on TikTok where creators share videos reviewing and discussing the books they read. The genres covered are diverse, but there is a strong focus on young adult fiction, young adult fantasy, and romance. These creators often highlight popular titles, creating trends that can quickly spread among teens. 

The Dangers of #BookTok

One genre that has gained significant popularity within #BookTok, especially among teenage girls, is romance novels. However, unlike the innocent tales of first love, many of these books contain mature themes and sexually explicit content. Graphic descriptions of sexual activities, including depictions of sexual abuse and violent experiences are even portrayed as desirable in some of these stories. Additionally, themes of casual relationships and forbidden love, which often involve affairs and cheating, are sometimes presented as justifiable. 

Even though such books with adult content are recommended for readers 18 years and older, teens can easily access these books, often displayed prominently in bookstores, riding on the wave of social media influencer recommendations. 

How Sexually Explicit Fiction Harms Teens

It is natural for tweens and teens to be curious about sex and sexuality during adolescence. As they enter puberty, they become increasingly aware of their changing bodies and mood swings. However, research suggests that early exposure to sexually explicit materials, including pornography, can have long-term harmful effects on a teen’s sexual maturity and increase the likelihood of risky sexual behaviours. 

Early exposure to sexually explicit materials may not only skew your teen’s understanding of what makes a healthy relationship, but it may also lead to the normalisation of sexual experimentation outside of marriage.  

Approach conversations with your teen with curiosity and open-mindedness rather than judgment. 

Conversations to Have with Your Teen 

When deciding what is appropriate for your child, it is crucial to take an active role. One way to do this is by researching the books your teen is interested in—read reviews online or even read the book yourself. This helps you understand the content and prevents assumptions about its suitability. 

Approach conversations with your teen with curiosity and open-mindedness rather than judgment. Share your views about the values promoted in the books, such as the depiction of relationships, behaviours, and actions that may not align within a loving and respectful relationship. Talk about your family values and how meaningful and healthy and relationships are rooted in friendship and mutual respect. While it is important to express your viewpoints, ultimately, it is best to give your teen room to decide for themselves.  

It is also not helpful to assume the worst about books with mature content. Engage your teen in a dialogue about what insights or perspectives they got from these books. Understanding their perspective can provide you with a deeper insight into their interests and thought processes. It also helps to bridge any potential gaps in understanding and shows your teen that you respect their opinions and choices. 

Focus on helping your teen develop discernment and critical thinking skills. 

Outright banning of certain books will only make the books even more enticing. Instead, focus on helping your teen develop discernment and critical thinking skills. This approach will give them the confidence to make responsible choices independently in the long-term. 

Bringing up the topic of sex to your teen may feel uncomfortable at first, but your teen needs to know they can come to you with any questions without fear of judgment or shame. Open communication ensures they receive the guidance they need during this formative period. 

Questions to Ask Your Teen

  1. How do you determine what books are appropriate for your age? 
    This question encourages your teen to think critically about the content they consume. 

  2. Does the book portray what a healthy friendship or romantic relationship looks like? 
    This can lead to discussions about the difference between fictional portrayals and real-life relationships.     

  3. In some romance books, graphic sex scenes and unhealthy behaviours like manipulation and coercion are depicted. How do you think this can affect the way teens view relationships? 
    This question can help your teen reflect on the potential impact of the media they consume. 

Be open with your child and let them know they can always approach you to talk about these issues. By fostering an environment of trust and open dialogue, you can help your teen navigate the complexities of growing up in a digital age filled with varied and often conflicting messages about sex and relationships. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

The Preschool Parenting Playbook

Being a father has been one of the most fulfilling roles of my life. I cherish the relationship I have with my two kids, and take pride in seeing them grow and mature. Along this journey, I’ve had to think creatively and develop strategies to navigate challenging moments. Each breakthrough left me wishing, “If only I’d thought of that sooner!” 

In my parenting journey, I’ve learned that more knowledge goes a long way. This article shares tried-and-tested strategies I’ve used to help my family manage the challenges of early childhood development. I hope this list inspires you to design your own parenting playbook—strategies for each tricky situation you may encounter. 

‘Connection before correction’ encourages parents to understand what their child is going through before correcting their behaviour.

Important caveats before we begin 

  1. Be kind to yourself: No parent or child is perfect. The goal is to make gradual improvements over time. There will be days when both parents and children give in to big feelings due to transitions, illness, tiredness, stress, and more. Being kind to ourselves helps us stay refreshed, recover better from rough patches, and maintain a growth mindset needed to refine our parenting strategies continually. 

  2. Check on their H.A.L.T.: In challenging moments, mentally run through whether your child is Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.). Young children often cannot articulate physical or emotional discomfort, resulting in emotional outbursts and challenging behaviours. Meeting your children’s H.A.L.T. needs can often soothe them in the moment. 

  3. Connection before correction, correction after connection: “Connection before correction” encourages parents to understand what their child is going through before correcting their behaviour. Connection is built daily by being present, giving full attention, and ensuring children feel heard. After connecting with your child, remember to correct their behaviour too. While discipline and guidance may feel unpleasant at times, they help children build relational skills and social awareness through developing sound values and consideration for others. 

 

The approaches below provide practical handles and are generally more appropriate for toddlers and preschoolers (18 months to 6 years). 

Calming Techniques 

These techniques help children calm themselves in overwhelming situations, such as intense fears, tantrums, or meltdowns. Note that they are usually more effective after you’ve taken time to hear them out (i.e. connection before correction). 

  1. Blow the birthday candle: This is my go-to method for calming my children after meltdowns or tantrums. Use your finger as a “birthday candle” for your child to “blow out.” If they are ready to engage in play, vary the motions of your finger (e.g. If they blew harder, I would shake my finger harder or make a funny noise, which usually makes them laugh). This technique encourages deep breathing, which helps calm the mind and body.

  2. Inflate the balloon: Place a hand on the child’s tummy and ask them to “inflate the balloon” by pushing out the hand as they breathe in. If they are ready for play, ask them to breathe out as if they were an inflated balloon being released, usually resulting in chuckles and a lighter mood.

  3. A tall tower: This educational activity is best carried out during playtime, rather than in the midst of a meltdown/tantrum. It involves having the child stack a tower of blocks and then taking a deep breath to blow it down. Remind them to take deep breaths and “blow the tower down” when they have big feelings.

  4. Press the button: Have the child use a finger to press something, and you make a funny noise or a random effect (e.g., the hand “flies away” or closes quickly to catch their finger). This fun distraction helps regulate intense emotions. After they calm down, provide comfort, guidance, or correction if needed.

  5. Find some trees and the sky: During difficult moments when no one is in the mood for play, take your child to a window or outdoors and ask them to find some trees or the sky. This approach teaches them to step away from a triggering event and discover the soothing effect of nature.

  6. Giving a hug: Sometimes, all a child needs is a hug or to sit in your lap. Physical affection helps young children feel safe and accepted, building safety and comfort in the parent-child relationship that allows for continued nurturing and guidance.

  7. Where is the pain: For managing physical pain from a fall or accident, validate your child’s experience (i.e., “That must have been very painful.”), and ask them to point out where the pain is. This keeps them from being overwhelmed and shifts their attention to minding their body, while allowing you to assess the injury. They usually calm down significantly, though they may still benefit from a long hug. 

Despite numerous scientific journals and research-backed parenting approaches, you are the expert on your child.

Coaxing Techniques 

These approaches encourage kids to be on task, such as finishing their food or getting into the shower. 

  1. Spaceship landing: Have your child open their mouth as a “space station” for the “spaceship” (a spoonful of food) to land. Variations include changing the scenery to a “train station,” “bus station,” and so on. Imagination is key! 

  2. End the song: Sing a line or two from a nursery rhyme and get your child to take a bite at the end of the song. Variations include making funny sounds or actions as they take a bite. 

  3. Say “ah” when done: Ask your child to say “ah” to show an empty mouth after taking a spoonful of food. This encourages them to eat and swallow their food quickly. 

  4. Volcano: Put a bit of soap into a bottle or bowl and jet it with water to create a foamy “volcano,” keeping your child occupied while bathing. Use this as an opportunity to teach values like recycling (by re-using plastic bottles or containers) or reducing wastage (not using too much soap and water during playtime). 

  5. Drinking animals: When my son was two, he fell and scraped his knee very badly. He was understandably inconsolable for close to an hour and refused to even take one step into the shower! To get him to make the first step, I got him to give his toy animals a drink in the shower. While this did not stop him from crying when the water hit, it at least reduced the tears from washing up! 

You are the Expert 

I’ve heard parents who share many difficult days with their kids. I also often observe the very same parents taking unique and effective approaches to nurture and soothe their children! Despite numerous scientific journals and research-backed parenting approaches, you are the expert on your child.  

This article represents my journey to discover what works best for my children. I hope it inspires you to create your playbook, and I’m sure you have much wisdom to share with fellow parents in your spheres! 

From Friendship to Relationship – What Does It Take?

“I still really like you. The past one and a half years, I never stopped liking you. I could not imagine myself with anyone else but you.” 

This is the third time he confessed to me. But this time, I felt sure and confident with my decision. With tears rolling down my cheeks and my heart bursting with excitement and relief, I blurted, 

“I like you too!” 

When I began to understand my feelings towards him, I thought I had missed my chance. This is the story of how my boyfriend and I navigated our 7-year friendship into a relationship, as well as the valuable lessons I learned along the way.

Value and protect friendship

Caleb and I used to just coexist in our church cell group and exchange a sentence or two every few months. But in 2021, suddenly, we had more opportunities to interact and found that we shared many similarities. Our friendship took off, and soon, we were chatting daily about anything and everything. I was excited to be making a new friend and didn’t think too deeply about it. However, about two months later, after dinner with some friends, he confessed that he had feelings for me. 

Stunned, I was silent for a while. I had never had a serious relationship before and didn’t know how to react to an in-person confession! I did not know enough about him to make a decision then, so I told him that we could get to know each other more intentionally, but without any expectations. We went out occasionally and texted frequently. I had one goal: to figure out if I really liked this guy.  

I realised that he had the qualities I was looking for in a partner, and we had natural teamwork. But I also learned that liking someone involves an emotional aspect, something I am terrible at navigating. I even asked friends what liking someone feels like. I received many interesting answers, such as feelings of warmth, butterflies, and even electricity, but these only added to my confusion.  

Logically, we seemed like a great fit. But why didn’t I feel drawn to him? Should I continue like this? Would that be fair for him? 

After much mental turmoil, I decided that it would be unfair to continue whatever we were doing because, emotionally, I simply did not feel the same way toward him. I felt anxious about breaking this to him because we had built such a strong friendship. But I knew that it was important to be honest with each other. As soon as I was sure of this decision, I brought it up the next time we met. It was painful for him, but he accepted it and reassured me that we could still be friends.  

When exploring a romantic relationship with a good friend, it can feel like more is at stake. The fear of losing a valued friendship might make us hesitant to take risks.

However, with careful and thoughtful communication, it is possible to navigate challenging situations.  

Communicate your boundaries 

We continued to be friends but stopped talking as frequently. Initially, it felt awkward, but after a few months, we felt comfortable around each other again.  

In December 2022, we were involved in several activities that allowed for more interactions. What started as casual small talk eventually grew into deep conversations. Our friendship was flourishing, but the lines between friendship and romance soon began to blur. 

Wanting to seek clarification, he met with me and expressed his continued feelings, wondering if I had felt the same. Suddenly, it felt like the friendship we had worked to rebuild was at risk of collapsing. I felt terrible for causing the misunderstanding and explained that I still saw him only as a good friend and couldn’t envision anything beyond that. That day, we both learned the importance of setting clear boundaries. 

In the context of friendships, boundaries can be emotional, physical, related to time spent together, and more. They communicate our preferences and needs, allowing us to enjoy the friendship.

While it may not feel natural to discuss boundaries with friends, we often feel safest around those who respect our limits. Therefore, it is beneficial to establish boundaries clearly to prevent miscommunication and ensure that neither party oversteps them.

Be honest with yourself 

Many months passed, and although we continued to work together closely, we were careful to give each other space. This gave me time to understand myself better and allowed him to recover from the disappointment. All was well until suddenly I felt a small shift in my heart. This began when a friendly gesture from him saved me from getting into trouble.  

We were in a church service, and I had forgotten to bring something important from home. Seeing my distress, he generously offered to rent a car, take me home to collect the item, and return it to church.  

This gave us an opportunity to catch up on each other’s lives and as we did that, something stirred in my heart. I made a conscious effort to be more attentive to my feelings and took the necessary time to process them thoroughly.  

When experiencing a surge of emotions, pay attention to them because they could help you understand yourself better (your wants, needs, likes, and dislikes). 

At the same time, be patient with yourself by responding and not reacting to your emotions. Responding looks like taking the time to acknowledge, accept, and process how you feel. For example, I acknowledged that when he went out of his way to help me, it made me feel valued. I was drawn to him for his thoughtful and selfless character, and I accepted that it was okay to like him!  

However, I allowed myself time and did not rush into things. Feelings take time to grow, and for some of us, it takes time to show.   

But I also faced scary thoughts such as, “After all that we’ve been through, could he have moved on? Am I too late?” 

After putting him through so much with the first two confessions, I doubted that he still felt the same way about me.   

I began to mentally dissect everything he did for me, in hopes of determining if he still had feelings.   

I also journaled about our interactions and how they made me feel. Over time, I finally understood what liking someone feels like! There was a time when he was experiencing a lot of stress from school, and I felt a deep desire to be there for him to encourage him. I never felt like this for anyone before, and I learned that liking someone means wanting to go out of my way to help them.  

Over time, my feelings for him deepened. One evening, he asked me to go for a run. But as fate would have it, a heavy downpour forced us to change plans. So, we had dinner and ice-cream, and he walked me home. As we reached the traffic junction near my house, I noticed he looked uneasy. My heart raced. And then, in that moment, a year and a half later since he first confessed his feelings, he looked at me with the same nervous intensity.  

For the third time, he confessed; and for the first time, I said “yes“.

From friendship to relationship, the journey was long and winding. It was filled with moments of doubt, frustration, and worry. But it was in these moments that I learned the true value of patience, communication, and self-awareness. Our story is a testament to the beauty of allowing feelings to grow naturally and the courage to embrace them when they do. 

So, if you find yourself on a similar path, remember: 

Sometimes, it takes a storm to bring you to the right place. And when it does, be brave enough to step into the rain. 

Keeping Your Marriage Strong When Facing Infertility

For many couples, marriage and children seem like a natural progression. But what happens when you are contentedly married, done with your honeymoon couple phase, ready to start a family, and then unexpectedly find out that conceiving is much harder than expected?  
 
Mark and Sue Lim, counsellors and trainers who also co-author a blog called Parenting on Purpose, weigh in on this sudden storm which is estimated to affect 1 in 6 couples in Singapore.  Here is their story and tips for couples who are facing infertility. 

Understand the emotional impact of infertility

Speaking from personal experience and their work with other couples facing fertility issues, Sue called infertility “one of the tough seasons of married life.” 

“The main issue with infertility is that you really don’t know what’s at the end of the journey,” she said.  

Discovering infertility involves a grieving process. Sue encourages couples in similar situations to “grieve fully” but “get up when you feel like you are able to… there’s always hope. There’s always someone around to talk to even though you may feel very lonely”.  

Mark highlighted that uncertainty in any transition, be it a new job or a new child, adds stress. For both husband and wife, knowing you are not alone and being present for each other helps during this intense process. 

“Every day is a chance to show love to your spouse, as you learn to navigate tough times, laugh together, and develop contentment for each other.” 

Strengthen your marriage

During this period of uncertainty and stress, drawing closer to each other helps strengthen your marriage and keeps you united. 

This is particularly important since couples usually discover fertility challenges in the early years of their marriage when they are still building the foundation of trust and life together. 

Mark said, “You still have a lot of things to learn about each other so it’s important to know each other’s triggers – what makes your spouse upset and, conversely, what makes your spouse happy?”  

He advocates for “doing things for your spouse not just on Valentine’s Day; every day is a chance to show love” as you learn to navigate tough times together, laugh together, and develop contentment for each other. 

This conscious decision to love each other well daily is also part of “showing each other grace,” they said.  
Mark pointed out that “marital life is not just about having a child,” however significant that may be. Using this difficult time to love each other well will benefit both spouses.

“Coping strategies like drawing boundaries, knowing your limits, and understanding that it’s a stressful time helped them give each other time and grace.”

Plan practically 

Practical plans can also help alleviate the uncertainty and stress.  
 
Mark shared, “We talked to a few other couples who either had fertility issues or were unsure about their family journey. Every couple has a different perspective and different expectations. We remember asking, ‘What do you want from the entire process?’ Especially if you are looking at IVF or TCM routes, then how long is enough before you decide on another route?” 
 
While these conversations may be hard, these practical talks will help you both navigate this journey as a couple. 

You can also discuss practical methods to handle unwanted questions from well-meaning friends or family members. Sue recalled that they had “stock replies,” and it helped to know that she and Mark were on the same page. They could laugh about some incidents, like being given fertility talismans from their aunties and uncles. 
 
Being able to laugh over these also helped strengthen their bond.  
 
Sue shared that coping strategies like drawing boundaries, knowing your limits, and understanding that it’s a stressful time helped them “give each other time and grace.” 

They also took holidays together to escape the demands and stresses of routine life. 

“Looking back now, we can remember very fondly some of the trips we had pre-children. I remember we took up scrapbooking too which was quite uncommon for the husband to get on board with, but Mark took it on. After our children came, we never scrapbooked again, so we treasure those scrapbooks we made in our early years… just find something you can do together, whether it’s sports or hobbies. It helps take your mind off things,” Sue said. 

“Process your journey one step at a time, instead of forecasting into the future so your mind doesn’t run amok.”  

Gain a different perspective

Talking to people who have been on the same journey can help you gain perspective and feel less alone. 

“Process your journey one step at a time, instead of forecasting into the future so your mind doesn’t run amok,” Sue advised. 

For the couple, who have been married for 16 years, talking to people in their church who had adopted children eventually led them to adopt. They now have two boys, aged 11 and 13, who they “cannot imagine life without.” 

“As a counsellor, one of my questions was about identity and how we would disclose the adoption to our future children. Now looking back, all our fears were allayed. Our boys are so confident in talking about how they came to our family. I am so thankful for that,” said Sue. 

She reflected, “Adoption is really a miraculous thing. One moment, you don’t have a child and then three days later, you have a baby or child with you. There’s really nothing like it. Looking back at it, we really wouldn’t have it any other way.”  

At the end of the day, keep communicating with each other and supporting each other – Let your bond as a married couple be strengthened even in this storm. This bond is, like Mark said, the “anchor in a marriage” which keeps you in sync. So hold on tight to each other. 

—

What happens after saying “I do?”

The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!

A Guide to Understanding Consent

Consent and boundaries set the foundation of healthy relationships based on trust and respect. As parents, we want to raise our children to grow into respectful and empathetic individuals.

But what exactly is consent? What is the difference between consent and boundaries? And how do we teach our kids about it?

What is the difference between consent and boundaries?

Consent is giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something. It is a clear, affirmative, and voluntary agreement between participants to engage in a specific activity. Silence does not mean consent, and consent can be given or taken away at any moment.

Boundaries are rules that we put in place to keep ourselves safe. This can include both physical and emotional safety.

Why should we explain consent to our children?

As parents, we need to be clear from the get-go with our children; as children, they do not have the maturity and ability yet to give consent, especially in the area of sexual touch. 

However, consent is not just about sex. It is something that we give (or not give) every day. For example, lending someone a pen or a book. Talking about consent in a broader, everyday sense when our children are young allows us to better handle the more delicate conversations about consent when the time is right. 

What may be more developmentally appropriate for them to understand is the concept of boundaries, where they can learn what is appropriate and what isn’t.

How to teach boundaries to children 

Early/preschool years (0-6)

Begin teaching the basics of boundaries from a young age. We can use simple language and relatable scenarios to help our children grasp the concept. For example, explain that if a friend doesn’t want to share a toy, that is their boundary, and we should respect that decision. 

We can model this in our daily interactions, such as by asking them for permission before hugging or tickling your child, and respecting their response.  

Everyday situations provide ample teachable moments. If your child takes something without asking, use it as a moment to explain why it’s important to get permission first. 

Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them.

Primary years (7-9)

When children enter primary school, they may experience situations where their classmates behave in unexpected ways, for example taking their stationery or personal belongings without permission. 

At home, work hard to create an environment where our children feel comfortable expressing their true feelings and boundaries. Encourage them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable about anything that happened in school, and assure them that their feelings and opinions are valid. 

Help your children understand that everyone has personal boundaries that should be respected. Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them. 

We can even use role-playing to practise making a request. This can help children feel more confident in real-life situations. For example, practise asking if they can borrow a toy from a friend, and prepare them to accepting the answer, whether it’s a “yes”, “no”, or “wait”. 

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others.

Tween years (10-12) 

As your tween grows in independence, it is important to keep communication open. By having regular conversations about things like peer pressure and how it can affect their ability to stand their ground even when it goes against their values or wishes, we are helping them develop strategies on to assert their boundaries and say “no” in difficult situations. 

If they are into online games, it is also important to monitor who they converse with online and about how they can stay safe if a stranger tries to strike up a conversation with them.  

In today’s digital age, boundaries are also important in online interactions.  

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others. 

Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)

At this age, some teens may begin to explore romantic relationships, so it is vital to continue talking about how love and relationships work, what healthy boundaries are, and the special significance of sex within a committed loving relationship like marriage.

This is also the stage where we can help them understand more about consent in the context of sexual activity. We can raise questions such as:

  • Is consent all that matters when it comes to sexual acts? What else should we consider? 
  • Is all consensual sex morally acceptable and right? 
  • With the pervasiveness of pornography, sexual acts can sometimes veer into the extreme/unhealthy category. What could be some of the consequences on the individual? How can we tell if something is good or bad for us?  

Make sure your teen understands that consent can be changed or withdrawn at any time. Help them understand that any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent, for example, if they are drunk, is actually sexual abuse. Encourage them to communicate any changes in their feelings clearly and assertively, and to not hesitate to come to you for help if they find themselves in any sticky situations. 

By teaching our children about sex in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage, we equip them with the tools they need to protect themselves from engaging in sex prematurely, and to build respectful and healthy relationships.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Manage Toddler Tantrums Effectively

Two years of age is a very fun stage for children because their awareness begins to grow exponentially, be it of the environment or people around them. It is also the age where they start to try and exert their power. Their brains begin to develop rapidly: they pick up language quickly, start to recognise and remember things, can understand short and simple instructions and also have a billion questions.  

At the same time, they also are lacking in impulse control and emotion regulation, resulting in some tension within them when things don’t go their way. 

The most common behaviours they display at this age are usually tantrums and meltdowns. Due to the lack of maturity of their brain, they are still unable to process complicated emotions such as disappointment and anger.  

They express these emotions in physical ways such as throwing things, screaming, whining, throwing themselves on the floor, hitting or even biting others. We should not condone these behaviours, but we should expect them. 

There is a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Tantrums have a purpose, which is to achieve a certain goal like getting their parents to buy them a desired toy.  

Meltdowns have more to do with sensory overload or overtiredness, where they lose control of themselves and require their parents to step in and soothe them. Therefore, the approach to managing these two behaviours would be very different. 

Managing Tantrums

Toddlers are unable to rationalise as well as older children. They do not understand the reason they are not allowed to have their third ice-cream in a row or buy their fifth monster truck toy of the week. Their brains are unable to comprehend our explanation, which then leads to them expressing their unhappiness physically.  

When it comes to tantrums, toddlers are triggered by our No’s, while we adults are triggered by their behaviours. We feel a sudden surge of anxiety, especially when they start screaming or throwing themselves on the floor in public places. We worry about their safety and how others will view us as parents.  

This anxiety often causes us to want to stop the behaviour immediately so that we can move on from the situation and get out of the embarrassment, and we start giving in to them. However, we know that this is not a long-term solution. 

Our goal is ultimately to impart values and skills that will lead to a healthy, thriving life. For example, using the ice-cream scenario, the value is: Having too much ice-cream can make them sick, hence they should not consume a third ice-cream.  

A strategy we can adopt is giving them options. For example, you can say: “You already had two cups of ice-cream. It is unhealthy to eat three at one go and it can make you sick. I don’t want you to fall sick. I can get you another ice-cream the next time we visit this store, or would you like to eat something else?” 

The priority is to help my child get through his disappointment or anger.

We also need to learn to manage our emotions in this short window of time as we manage theirs. We can do this by managing our expectations. Whenever I have to say “No” to my child, I anticipate his tantrum even before I speak to him.  

This helps me be less anxious because I already know what is coming. I also need to consciously tell myself that the tantrum will pass, and the opinions of others do not matter. 

The priority is to help my child get through his disappointment or anger. Sometimes, this means giving my child time and space to cry, thrash around, scream or vent in a safe space until he feels ready to move on.  

In the meantime, we as parents can stay close and assure our children that we are still around for them. Undoubtedly, it is a draining process to wait till the storm passes, but we are teaching them that it is alright to express how they feel, and that we still love them. By modelling and allowing that space and calm, we are also demonstrating emotional regulation. 

The quickest way to manage a meltdown is to help your children rest, be it giving them a bottle for comfort or carrying them to sleep in a dark and quiet room. 

Managing Meltdowns

Meltdowns happen when children are in overdrive – usually sensorial in nature – and are unable to regulate themselves. It happens mostly when they are overtired and desperately need to rest or get some sleep.  

The quickest way to manage a meltdown is to help your children rest, be it giving them a bottle for comfort or carrying them to sleep in a dark and quiet room. 

When our children are at the brink of a meltdown, we begin to see signs such as excessive whining, not following routines and crying. While some of these behaviours may seem like a tantrum, we must not immediately assume so. We need to recognise what the child is feeling or has been through, so that we are able to better judge how to manage the situation.  

Back in my child’s earlier toddler days, I often confused meltdowns with tantrums, so I dealt with his meltdown as if it was a tantrum. It made things worse for both of us. It was only slightly later that I begin to consider carefully what my child might be going through and dealt with it accordingly. 

When managing a meltdown, I had to prioritise some of the routines and skip the rest. The sooner my child can rest, the better he will feel. There were days when he had to skip his shower and just have a wipe-down because it was too much for him to go through the entire showering process. The good news is, he resets himself after a good night’s sleep! 

Managing Self

Tantrums and meltdowns are two situations that often cause the most distress to parents. Emotions run high for both parent and child and sometimes we simply cannot deal with all the emotions and explode in anger or frustration. This is a common sight for parents with toddlers.  

There is also a lot of guilt because we think that we should have managed ourselves better being the adult. However, we also need to recognise that we are just as human as our toddlers are and go easy on ourselves.  

Self-care is important for parents, especially so in this season, because it is emotionally taxing on us to manage their emotions while keeping ours in check. Regular self-care like taking a short time-out allows us the safe space to validate what we are feeling and care for ourselves as a person, not a parent. It fills us up, albeit only a little, and help us to last the long haul.  

By being aware of our own triggers, we can come up with strategies to cope with these tough situations even before we encounter them. 

Navigating toddlerhood is a marathon, and self-care is a pit-stop where we parents can catch a breather before we carry on running. We need consistent and regular pit-stops to help us last the long haul without burning out. 

Self-awareness is another factor that helps us succeed in managing toddlers. By being aware of our own triggers, we can come up with strategies to cope with these tough situations even before we encounter them.  

I am especially triggered by whining, which makes it difficult for me as my toddler kept whining during tantrums and meltdowns. Since I became aware of this, I pre-empted myself that whining is an expected behaviour for their age since they are unable to communicate what they think or feel effectively.  

I practised calming exercises such as taking deep breaths and repeating grounding statements to myself such as “This behaviour will pass, they are just trying to communicate their wants.” I find that these help to soothe my anxiety and enable me to respond in a calmer manner to my child.  

Managing toddlers can be very challenging on all fronts; it is a journey that requires much patience and intentionality. As we learn to manage them, we also need to remember to show grace and kindness to ourselves and allow ourselves to grow through mistakes. You are doing well, keep going! 

What No One Told You About the First Year of Marriage

“I hereby declare you husband and wife!” Ahhh, the phrase that every couple longs to hear as they tie the knot before their family and friends, followed by a rousing applause and celebration. What could go wrong? 

Ask any seasoned couples who are decades into their marriage, and they will tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest! Beyond the endless romance that many newlyweds fantasise about in the days leading up to their wedding, it’s a time of navigating the new roles and of a husband and wife, which often includes adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, routines, and quirks. 

As a newlywed myself, I sought advice from five people who got married within the last five years to glean their wisdom on thriving in the first year of marriage. Here are their top tips to make this journey (and that of other newlyweds) less painful: 

Our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. 

1. Develop conflict resolution skills 

The top tip from everyone I interviewed was learning how to communicate with your spouse and develop conflict resolution skills. 

Benjamin (married for 3 years) stressed the importance of better communication during disagreements, particularly when making joint decisions. He shared a significant disagreement in his first year of marriage: choosing a designer for their home renovations. What should have been a fun bonding activity turned into a misunderstanding that left both parties hurt and sour. 

Benjamin said, “My wife thought that I was too fixated on my designer of choice and wasn’t open to considering other designers, but I was trying to let her know that I was in fact still open to considering our other options. Even though my intentions were right, my wife shared that she didn’t feel that openness from me when we were talking through our options, and this came down to the way I had phrased some comments and opinions during our discussion.” 

Having good intentions isn’t enough; your spouse needs to perceive them as such. Beyond word choice, our non-verbal communication (tone, body language, facial expressions) can betray one’s intentions. 

Sharon (married for 2 years) added that our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. She shares how her family’s tradition of celebrating occasions with meals and gifts differed from her husband’s, leading to misunderstandings as she interpreted his lack of meals and gifts as a sign of disinterest or care for her.   

Natasha (married for 4 years) added that a victim mentality, often developed in childhood, can cause one to “project unnecessary blame” onto their spouse when there was no ill intent. 

Understanding that your family origins affect how you interpret your spouse’s actions can help you avoid misplaced blame. Instead, you can share vulnerably about how certain actions makes you feel, and allow space for your spouse to extend compassion on your story. 

It is not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse.

2. Respect individual differences 

Another common tip was reframing differences and disagreements not as dealbreakers, but as normal and expected. 

Natasha initially felt the need to agree on everything with her husband, fearing that disagreements meant something was wrong with her or the marriage. This caused undue stress as she tried to “fix herself” whenever they didn’t see eye to eye. Over time, however, she learnt that it was not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse, especially in matters where there is a difference in views and opinions. 

Kerin (married for 2 years) highlighted the discovery of new habits and routines after moving in together, from different approaches to household chores to minor things like “when to turn off a switch”. She shared, “Every day is like watching Discovery Channel – from dishes to laundry, routines to minor things, there were just so many occurrences where we had squabbles. But it was a very necessary journey as we progressed in adapting to doing this new life together and realised the need to adapt and give each other grace as we learn to live together.” 

The key to a thriving marriage is understanding and adapting to each other’s family backgrounds and personal habits. Talk about the habits you want to keep from your respective families and which you should change. Create a unique family culture of your own that you are proud of and agree with your spouse about. Remember, you don’t have to continue operating as you did in your family of origin! 

Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. 

3. Manage expectations and assumptions 

The final tip is to be slow to jump to assumptions and instead ask questions when something your spouse did or didn’t do causes discomfort.  

Susie (married for 1 year) realised in her first month of marriage her quickness to make assumptions about her husband often led to unfounded conclusions.  

For example, “If I were feeling down and my husband does not show concern, I quickly assume that he does not care about me. When he gets especially quiet, I assume that must be upset with me. In actual fact, these negative assumptions are not true.” Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. This proactive approach helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters better communication. 

This is especially true and crucial for newlywedded couples who are living with their in-laws. Sharon shared, “You cannot expect your partner to understand and communicate with your parents on the same level that you do. There are bound to be misunderstandings on both sides, and you have to mitigate and also protect both sides.” Managing expectations of our spouses is so crucial to avoiding unnecessary conflicts that creates tensions and disharmony in the marriage. 

By implementing these practical steps, newlyweds can navigate the first year of marriage more smoothly and build a strong foundation for the future. 

Here are the key, actionable tips from my conversations with the 5 interviewees:  

  1. Develop conflict resolution skills
    • Mind non-verbal cues: Ensure your tone, body language, and facial expressions align with your words. 
    • Acknowledge family backgrounds: Recognise and discuss how your family of origin influences your judgments and interpretations. 
    • Avoid misplaced blame: Recognise if a victim mentality affects your perceptions and share how your spouse’s actions affect you. 
    • Be open to each other’s stories: Listen without judgment and extend empathy and compassion. 
  1. Respect individual differences
    • Normalise disagreements: Understand that disagreements are normal and not dealbreakers. 
    • Have honest conversations: Focus on honest discussions and pure intentions, even when views differ. 
    • Adapt to new habits and routines: Learn to give each other grace as you adapt to living together. 
    • Create a unique family culture: Discuss which habits from your respective families you want to keep or change, and agree on a new family culture you both are proud of and agreeable to. 
  1. Manage expectations and assumptions
    • Ask questions instead of assuming: When something your spouse does or doesn’t do causes discomfort, ask questions instead of making assumptions. 
    • Voice your thoughts: Share your feelings directly instead of expecting your spouse to read your mind. 
    • Manage expectations with in-laws: Recognise that misunderstandings with in-laws are normal and work to mitigate them by protecting each other. 

*Some details and names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved.  

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What happens after saying “I do?”

The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!

What to do when your marriage feels boring

“My marriage is going through the motions. It’s so boring.”

“I relish those times we had so much fun or excitement.”

“I wish there was more life in my marriage – right now, it’s just boring.”

Do any of these statements ring a bell? If so, you are not alone.

In the early stages of marriage, couples often feel excited or thrilled to be together, even when navigating the challenges of adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, temperaments, and quirks! As time passes, couples may feel as if their marriage has hit a “rinse and repeat” button, and keeping the spark alive can be a tall order. Without intentional effort to keep the spark alive, boredom soon sets in.

However, feeling bored in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. While there are seasons when you may feel like you’re stuck in a rut, boredom should not be a long-term trait in a healthy relationship.

“Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage.”

What are possible reasons for boredom in marriage? 

1. Predictability or familiarity  

Marriage can become predictable and repetitive. Seeing the same person every day and believing you know everything about your spouse can lead to feeling too comfortable and taking each other for granted.  

2. Being too busy 

Once you are married, there are new roles and responsibilities to navigate and adjust to. The focus on “you and me only” gradually shifts. Careers, work-related travels, children, and other obligations can take centre stage, leaving little time for each other. 

3. Lack of meaningful or deep conversations  

Communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Without making time to connect, you and your spouse will gradually drift apart and soon your relationship may lose its vitality and spark. 

4. Different interests and hobbies  

Your marriage can hit a rut when you and your spouse do not have common interests. While you may have separate interests and hobbies, it is necessary to also find activities you both enjoy doing together. This is a key ingredient that enables couples to bond and stick together for the long haul. 

 Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage, and take small steps to reignite the life and passion you once shared.  

“You affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them.”

What are strategies couples can consider to reignite the marriage flame? 

 1. Be proactive and intentional  

Boredom sets in when you stop being proactive or making the effort to tend and nurture the garden of your union. The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener in one’s marriage when it is watered with consistent, tender loving care.  

 2. Explore new things together 

If you and your spouse engage in the “same old, same old” shared activities, the lack of novelty or stimulation may have contributed to the boredom you experience. Consider breaking out of your routines and trying new things together, for example, volunteering at a soup kitchen, going for a couple spa or massage, or exploring the sights and sounds of a new neighbourhood. Novelty can reignite excitement and life into a marriage.   

3. Prioritise and pursue each other 

During courtship or the initial stages of marriage, your partner is high on your priority list, and you are pursuing each other regardless of your busy schedule. After you have successfully “won” each other, the pursuing often stops.  

If you want the fire in the relationship to be kept ablaze, you’ll need to continually pursue the heart of the love of your life, even amidst a busy schedule.  

4. Change how you think about your spouse and/or relationship 

Our thought patterns about marriage and our spouse can profoundly affect our love and feelings for our spouses.  

If you are inclined to focus on your spouse’s weaknesses, or you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship; you will experience a sense of dissatisfaction and become resentful that your needs and expectations are not met. Unwittingly, the relationship slides, and soon you and your spouse stop putting effort into the marriage. When this happens, the marriage stagnates.   

It has been said that what one focuses on grows. With this strategy, you affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them. This shift and change in perspective not only makes your spouse feel good about their strengths, but also helps them to grow and improve in their weaknesses over time. 

5. Get help or professional intervention  

Boredom is not a terminal condition, but can potentially be a threat to the relationship. This is particularly true if your feelings of boredom are linked with deeper issues, such as personal emotional baggage or unresolved issues in the relationship.  

Additionally, if persistent boredom results in a loss of interest in the relationship, it could be a sign of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety. It is helpful to approach a professional to talk things through and receive the appropriate guidance and help to address the underlying root issues.  

Regardless of how long you have been married, it is not uncommon to experience ups and downs in the relationship at one time or another. What is important is for couples to address and work through these obstacles together.  

Feeling bored doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship; it simply means you need to reconnect and rediscover the joy you once shared. 

Is Sex a Bad Word?

Sex should be associated with love, intimacy, commitment, but it has come to be associated with guilt and shame. How do we give our children a healthy understanding of sex? 

Primary years (7-9)

What happens when parents avoid talking about sex? 

Avoiding having conversations about sex tells your children that firstly, sex is a taboo topic, and it is embarrassing or even shameful to talk about. It also tells them that parents are not the people to talk to about sex, which may push them to learn about it from other potentially unreliable sources of information (eg. social media). This may lead your children to think about sex in ways that are unhelpful or untrue.  

At this tender age, you may want to approach the topic as a matter of fact, describing sex as “a natural process that happens between a man and woman when they are married, and it is how babies are created.”  

You should also refer to parts of the body related to sex using their accurate names (e.g., penis, vagina, womb) instead of using euphemisms.  

Through these actions, we show our children that sex is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We will also be  signalling to our kids that they can come to us if they have any questions.  

Tween years (10-12) 

By this stage, if you have not broached the topic of sex, it is likely that they’ve heard something about it from their classmates or friends. 

You may want to open up the conversation by asking them what they know about it. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex. For instance, if you come across a scene in a TV show or movie that portrays sex in a way that contradicts your values regarding sex, you can use this opportunity to share with your children your opinions and values. You can also start to introduce to your children the idea that sex is a good and beautiful part of marriage. 

By bringing these conversations up organically in everyday life, you create a culture of openness in the home, where such topics, widely deemed as sensitive, can be discussed regularly. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex.

Teen years (13-15) 

It is likely that your teen would have had some exposure to the topic of sex and sexual orientation.  

While it is important to warn your children of the dangers of sex in inappropriate contexts (e.g., unplanned pregnancies, teenage pregnancies, STIs and STDs, etc.), it is also equally important to talk about the positive aspects of sex when it is done in the appropriate context of marriage. 

Within marriage, sex is more than just an act of temporary sensual pleasure. It is an expression of a couple’s love and commitment to each other, which has the power to deepen the sense of safety and intimacy in the relationship.  

Highlighting the positive aspects of sex within marriage helps to correct the misconception that sex is taboo, while reinforcing the idea that sex within marriage is nature’s way of allowing for procreation.  

Ultimately, the key principle is to create a non-judgmental atmosphere where your children feel safe to talk about any topic in life, including sensitive topics like sex, and to share their feelings and concerns with you.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more