Resource Type: Articles

When Motherhood Feels Like You’re Losing Yourself

Motherhood changes a person. We take on a new identity and a new role—one that we are mostly unprepared for; a role that may not come naturally, doesn’t always have straightforward answers and may require a whole lot of trial and error.  

Overnight, our world suddenly involves making sure that someone else is safe, loved and raised. We are thrown into situations we have no experience of, relying on the wisdom of those who have gone before—through books, the internet and maybe a friend’s tales. Most of us are just trying to figure it out along the way. 

The Changes In Motherhood 

Motherhood comes with multiple adjustments—the physical changes to our bodies through and after pregnancy; possibly the changes to our available capacities at our jobs; or a change in work status, choosing to stay home to raise children in this season; a change to our lifestyles as we have reduced time and energy for social activities and hobbies. It can feel like we are losing a big part of the person we used to be. Things are just not the same as before.  

A Mother’s Desire 

At the core of motherhood is also the desire to always want to do what is best for our children. From the moment we see those two lines on the pregnancy test kit to even after our adult child leaves the home, we never stop wondering, “Have I done enough?” We never stop being mothers. 

In the myriad of decisions we make for ourselves and our children daily, we always wonder if there was a better choice. From choosing to stay at home and be the main caregiver, or to continue working outside the home; choosing to breastfeed or formula feed our babies; choosing schools, classes, activities; or choosing one discipline method over another.  

We feel pulled and stretched in all directions, trying to meet expectations and fulfil each of our roles as wife, mother, worker, daughter. We try to do everything to the best of our ability and yet sometimes still feel like we fall short. 

In the light of these changes and expectations, it is too easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted and discouraged. How do we get used to this new normal? How do we navigate motherhood through societal expectations while also meeting our family’s needs?  

1. Avoid comparisons 

Motherhood is not a competition. We are all on our own paths. Our family and life circumstances are all different and therefore demands different choices and responses.  

It is too easy to look over our shoulder and think, “That mum looks like she has the better life. I wish I had that.” Comparison is a thief of joy. Truth be told, we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. We get distracted into thinking that only when we have a certain life will our families be happy.  

While it is helpful to glean wisdom from other women that we admire and look up to, we need to discern how to fit that wisdom into our own unique situation. Not everything may be directly applied.  

We need to grow to be confident in our choices and tell ourselves, it is ok if my family looks different. 

2. Give yourself time to figure things out

Motherhood is a long journey that is filled with constant changes. We don’t figure out motherhood in an instance. Just as we think we’ve mastered one aspect of motherhood, a new challenge emerges, and the learning begins all over again. Nothing ever stays the same in motherhood. We need to trust the process. 

Give ourselves time to find our own pace, figure out what works for our families and manage our own expectations. As our children grow, their needs will evolve, and we likewise will have to adapt alongside them. As with any new job or responsibility, we take time to learn the task, pick up the skills and get better at the role over time. 

Be kind to ourselves and give ourselves grace to learn, make mistakes and grow from it. 

3. Accept help 

Motherhood is not meant to be a solo act. Mothers are a strong bunch. We are master jugglers, multitaskers, jack of all trades. We have interests and passions, dreams and goals. If we could, we would do them all. But we have the same 24 hours and in reality, we probably cannot do it all on our own. It is far too likely that we are stretched thin and exhausted.  

We need to be willing to ask for and accept help. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. Beyond the practical help we may receive from physically caring for children, we also need to learn to manage our mental load and receive emotional support from friends and loved ones. This may look like getting to know other mothers who can empathise and understand what we are going through. Friendships make the journey less lonely.  

Find trusted friends who will listen and encourage us, filling our emotional tank through this challenging season of motherhood, which in turn, fuels us to keep caring for our children.

Motherhood is both terrifying and exhilarating; worrying and fulfilling. It sometimes brings us to our knees in tears and frustration, and at other moments, lifts our spirits and brings much joy to our hearts because somehow, that is what children do to us.  

We may not have it all, and we may not know it all, but we sure try and give it our all. That is worth celebrating! 

GE2025 – Wishlist of a First-Time Voter and an Expecting Dad

My wife, Andrea, and I got married last year, and we’re expecting our first child in three months. That’s two major life transitions in a single year — all at the tender age of 26! 

As I prepare to vote for the first time this coming General Election, the first person I think of is our unborn daughter. It is sobering to know that the choices we make today will shape the Singapore she grows up in tomorrow. 

Pregnancy has been a beautiful journey — one of imagining who our daughter might be – what brings her joy, how her eyes will look like, and what kind of world she’ll inherit. And that’s where my heart keeps returning: the kind of Singapore I want her to call home.  

Here are six dreams I carry as I prepare to cast my first vote — not just as a citizen, but as a husband and father. 

My dream is that my daughter will be defined by more than her academic results. I hope that when she sits for the PSLE, she won’t be crushed by the pressure to perform.   

1. Generational love and unity 

My dream is for my daughter to grow up in a Singapore where generations live in unity, beginning in our homes.  

I dream of a family culture where honour flows naturally between the young and old – and this starts with a strong bond with my daughter.  

At Chinese New Year, I want my children to give their heartfelt blessing to their elders (our parents), not just to receive an ang bao, but because they truly respect the older generation and the many sacrifices they’ve made for them. 

This culture of honouring the older generations starts at home.  

Andrea and I are blessed to have our child early in marriage, and her great-grandparents will get to meet her. We believe she will be a bridge between generations – bringing much life and joy to our grandmothers even in their sunset years.  

Looking beyond our family, what could inter-generational unity look like in our nation? 

Imagine a Singapore where schools, workplaces, and hawker centres are marked by strong bonds and trust between the different generations.  

Teachers don’t just teach a subject but nurture the future minds and hearts of our nation, through genuine care for their students. Imagine students expressing genuine appreciation for their teachers and the sacrifices they make for them – whether that’s spending extra time with them after school to help them understand harder concepts, or calling out a hidden strength in them. 

Imagine workplaces where interns are mentored, not just instructed to do menial tasks. 

Imagine our public places of communion such as the hawker centre, where our children greet the auntie clearing our tables with a genuine smile and a thank you – seeing her as her person, beyond the task she is doing.  

This kind of mutual respect doesn’t just happen — it’s built one home, one community, one interaction at a time. 

There’s so much more to each person we meet in our daily interactions than just their jobs. I dream of a Singapore where people aren’t solely defined by their work, but we are acknowledged as people. 

2. Children will be defined beyond their grades 

My dream is that my daughter will be defined by more than her academic results. I hope that when she sits for the PSLE, she won’t be crushed by the pressure to perform.  

I hope she’ll grow up in a school ecosystem that partners with us to shape her character, beyond her grades. Where teachers see her as a whole person, not just a student.  

I want to receive a call not just when she’s in trouble, but when she helps a classmate, or displays sportsmanship at a competition.  

The Edusave Character Award and Edusave Award for Achievement, Good Leadership and Service show that our schools values leadership and character, not just good grades.  

But more can be done, starting in our homes.  

Maybe then, festive gatherings will have conversations that go beyond, “Which school are you in?” or “How well did you do for your exams?” – to include questions like, “How are you enjoying learning in school? What’s something interesting your teacher taught you lately?” 

When our conversations shift from performance to the love of learning and discovery, we will notice a slow shift in how we talk about children – to focus more on their process, beyond the results.    

3. A culture that sees people beyond their jobs

The other day, my wife and I were queuing to pay for our food at Muji café, and I noticed the service staff were wearing name tags. When it was our turn to pay, I looked him in the eye and with a big smile, thanked him by name. 

He paused for a few seconds, before breaking into a smile, and proceeded to return me my change.  

I’m guessing it took him a while to register that to me, he was not just the guy serving me my food, but he was a human with a name and a story.  

There’s so much more to each person we meet in our daily interactions than just their jobs. I dream of a Singapore where people aren’t solely defined by their work, but we are acknowledged as people.  

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that purpose isn’t just in productivity, and that every role—from the hawker aunty to Grab delivery rider to the business owner—has dignity. 

I want her to know that being a good friend, a kind neighbour, or a daughter matters just as much as landing a high-paying job. 

And this mindset has to be first shaped at home.  

I want to affirm my daughter how beautiful and loved she is, to whisper to her daily that she is cherished by her father. Beyond her academic achievements and career choices, I want to commend her effort, her choices, and her dreams. 

I hope my daughter will grow up knowing the love of a father. I want to be both physically and emotionally present with her, especially in her formative years. 

4. A safe environment for children 

My family just secured our Build to Order Flat (BTO) a few months back, and we are excited to build our first home as the Ong family.  

As we were looking at the HDB models while selecting our flat, we couldn’t help but dream of where our kids would play, who our neighbours would be, and which school she would attend.  

Here in Singapore, we are so privileged to have a community to work, play and rest in –whether that’s in our housing estate, in school, or our faith community. With an ecosystem of support, my daughter will grow up to have wholesome influences in her life beyond our home.  

In school, her teachers and coaches will sharpen her skills academically, in sports and the arts.  

In our community and extended family, she will have mentors and family members who would love her and develop her in ways beyond what my wife and I can offer.  

In our estate, she will make good friends at the playground and befriend the uncles and aunties in our neighbourhood. 

In such a safe and supportive environment, hopefully other families will also be thriving. When families flourish, children grow up with a deep sense of security, belonging, and purpose. This is where our daughter to develop a strong sense of identity and belonging—first at home, then in our local community, and in our nation Singapore. 

After all, it takes a village to raise a child, and we know we cannot do it on our own! 

We need narratives that celebrate faithful marriages. We need good and committed mentors in the community who will walk young couples through the tough seasons, not just marriage preparation. 

5. Each person will know the love of a father 

I hope my daughter will grow up knowing the love of a father. 

I want to be both physically and emotionally present with her, especially in her formative years. I want to be the kind of father who listens, protects, provides, teaches, and plays with her. 

There’s a unique confidence a child carries when they know the strength of a father. They are deeply secure and confident in their identity, and more resilient when navigating life’s complexities.  

In our culture, mothers have predominantly played the role of the caregiver, but things are slowly beginning to shift as fathers are becoming equally involved as mothers.  

Even in our workplace policies, paternity leave has been increased to four weeks, the shared parental leave scheme has been introduced, and beyond that, my workplace has a suite of other family-friendly workplace policies.  

Beyond policy, I hope that the culture in Singapore will be one which values the role of a father.  

I have experienced this at my hospital visits to KKH – where the doctors affirmed my attitude when I displayed a keenness to find out more about my wife’s pregnancy and how to support our growing baby.  

Let’s continue to build the ecosystems that support fathers—workplaces that champion paternity leave, community groups that equip and supports fathers, and media that portray strong father figures who lead their families with strength and love.   

6. Marriage will be desirable  

I dream that marriage will once again be a hopeful and desirable milestone for young Singaporeans. 

I know marriage isn’t easy. But with the right preparation and support, it brings much stability to children, and strength to our society. 

We need narratives that celebrate faithful marriages. We need good and committed mentors in the community who will walk young couples through the tough seasons, not just marriage preparation. 

And we need policies that support couples as they begin married life—affordable housing, child support, and family-friendly workplaces. 

Andrea and I chose to get married young, because we desired to build a shared life early. We have found that commitment and a shared vision can weather even the hardest days and our hardest fights, but that’s a story for another day. 

If our daughter sees a marriage marked by grace and forgiveness, hopefully she might one day desire the same. 

As I prepare to cast my vote in GE2025, I carry these dreams with me — not just as a citizen, but as a husband and father. 

Singapore is not perfect. But it is our home. If we build well — with honour, love, and courage — I believe our children will inherit a nation worth loving. 

And that’s a future I look forward to. 

Why Couples Need a Supportive Community to Thrive

Marriage is a journey filled with both joys and challenges. While it brings companionship, security, and fulfilment, it also comes with stresses that make it difficult to navigate alone.  

I recall when I was a newlywed some 17 years ago. My husband and I experienced conflicts and tensions ranging from how we should spend our time to how much we should involve our parents in decision-making.  

Due to the sheer differences in personality and expectations between us, it was sometimes hard to see things from the other’s perspective. 

This is where the importance of community came into play. Because we had a few couples to journey with during this season of our lives, we were able to find support and grow in our understanding of each other.

Many couples hold beliefs that hinder them from seeking support, such as thinking that marriage is a private matter or feeling ashamed to share their struggles. This can prevent couples from reaching out for help when they need it most. 

The power of community in marriage

Nam Seng and Sok Mian, founders of Bridging Hearts, have been working with families and marriages for over three decades. They emphasise that marriage should not be a private affair. Sharing your marital journey with other couples can enrich the experience and prevent isolation. Many couples hold beliefs that hinder them from seeking support, such as thinking that marriage is a private matter or feeling ashamed to share their struggles. However, this can prevent couples from reaching out for help when they need it most. 

Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to build a strong and satisfying marriage.

Having a community to journey with us also helps us to moderate our expectations of our spouse and our expectations of what a marriage should be. 

Benefits of community

A supportive community provides practical help, emotional support, and a space to celebrate joys and victories. For example, trusted friends can offer childcare, share practical tips, and provide emergency assistance. Additionally, sharing experiences with other couples can help moderate expectations and foster understanding of gender differences, making couples more gracious and forgiving towards each other. 

As Nam Seng put it, “Having a community to journey with us also helps us to moderate our expectations of our spouse and our expectations of what a marriage should be, so that we do not become too idealistic or too unrealistic.”

Building your community

To build a supportive community, couples need to be intentional. Seek out other married couples who share similar values, join family groups in your faith community, and connect with couples who are a season or two ahead of you. Mature couples or marriage mentors can offer valuable insights and guidance. It’s important to make time for these relationships, whether through casual meetups or structured discussions. 

“Finding friends and building relationships require effort, meaning that we must make time for it. Make time to commit to meeting up with these friends regularly,” advises Sok Mian.

Marriage mentoring, a great tool

Nam Seng and Sok Mian shares that marriage mentoring is able to help couples prepare for marriage, move from good to great, and even repair distressed marriages.  

Building relationships is key, as mentorship thrives on trust and connection. Many mentees become friends with their mentors, creating lasting bonds that support their marital journey.

But…What if we are introverts?

Even introverted couples can benefit from a supportive community. Start small with one or two trusted couples, engage at your own pace, and set boundaries for sharing.  

“Building a community doesn’t require you to be an extrovert. You don’t need to be an extrovert. Start small, maybe with one or two trusted couples who align with your values, and you connect with them,” suggests Nam Seng.

Marriage is a unique relationship that can be incredibly fulfilling and yet also challenging. Having a community to support you can make the journey easier and more beautiful.  

Create your community early, when things are well, so that you have the support you need when challenges arise. There’s no shame in journeying together with others as your marriage will be all the better for it.

How to Cope with the Awkward Sex Talk

Talking to kids about sex can indeed be a tricky and awkward topic.  

I still recall the first time I spoke to my children about where babies come from. My face burnt red like a tomato and beads of sweat were forming on my forehead. So you’re not alone if you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about broaching this subject. 

 Here are some tips to hopefully help make the conversation more comfortable and effective: 

1. Start ‘em young  

As far as we can, start discussing basic concepts of babies and body safety early on. This helps set the stage for more in-depth conversations later. Think small bites, and make use of daily opportunities to drop a seed of truth into your child (for example when you’re showering your child, or buying a swimsuit for him or her.) 

 We should also encourage our kids to ask us questions about anything. And if we don’t have the answer to those curious questions we can say, “Let’s find out together!” 

2. Use proper terms 

Teach your child the correct names for body parts and functions. This helps us grow their understanding of their own bodies, and why they need to take extra care of private parts and who are the safe adults who can help them clean their bodies.  

3. Choose the right time and place 

Look out for natural opportunities to discuss these topics, such as during a drive or while watching a movie together.  

Ensure the environment is relaxed and private, making it easier for both of you to establish a safe connection and talk openly. 

4. Start with what’s good and beautiful 

Look out for natural opportunities to discuss these topics, such as during a drive or while watching a movie together.  

Ensure the environment is relaxed and private, making it easier for both of you to establish a safe connection and talk openly. 

5. Be age-appropriate 

Pay attention to your child’s questions and concerns. We should aim to provide honest answers but also be age-appropriate.  

 For example, we should not be revealing too many details about how people may abuse others for their own sexual gratification to a 5-year-old. This would rob them of their innocence and create unnecessary fears. 

6. Use resources

Remember to talk about values, consent, respect, and healthy relationships. These topics are as important to holistic sexuality education as puberty and sex. 

 Encourage your child to share their thoughts and questions about these topics.  

7. Be patient

Understand that these conversations may feel uncomfortable at first, but they will become easier with practice. Reassure your child that it’s normal to have questions and that they can always come to you. 

Conclusion 

Keep the conversation going. Regular check-ins can help your child feel supported as they navigate the growing up years, with puberty and relationships coming to the fore.  

 Remember, your goal is to provide accurate information and support your child as they grow. By approaching the topic with openness and sensitivity, you can help them feel more at ease coming to you whenever they have questions.  

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A Day in the Life of a New Dad

It’s 10.30am.  

I’ve just made my coffee and booted up my laptop to kickstart the work day. Sounds like the ideal start to a work-from-home (WFH) day, right? 

Except for the fact that I’ve barely had more than 3 hours of sleep the night before. 

My daughter – in her wisdom gained from five months of babyhood – decided that the time I was going to bed was the appropriate time for her to wake up and initiate a staring contest. It was my turn to take the night shift, hence I was the chosen competitor. And so, we competed through the wee hours of the morning in between my futile attempts to pat her back to sleep. These baby growth spurts hit hard, and she was going through another one. 

By the time I handed baby over to my wife for her feed, it was 6.30am.  Baby was clearly the victor in the staring contest, as I crashed in defeat and succumbed to sleep. 

I hope this was ample justification for starting work a little later today, as I begin writing this article. While this may be frowned upon by some, I’m grateful that my workplace has given me breathing space as I manoeuvre the demands of parenthood. For one, the flexible work arrangements here allow for us to have scheduled WFH days.  Occasionally, our work hours can be somewhat flexible too. As long as meetings and deadlines are accounted for and we are contactable during work hours, we have the autonomy to order our workday and catch up on work outside of the usual work hours. 

My supervisor – being a parent herself – is understanding, and my colleagues and I trust one another to complete our share of the work. 

(The baby is crying. I’ll be right back.) 

We even have a term for it: baby therapy.

It’s 1pm.  

I’ve just put baby down for her nap, and hopefully that buys me some time to continue writing.  

Baby was fussing earlier, and my wife needed some time to prepare to leave for work. As a tuition teacher, her work schedule differs significantly from mine. She has lessons scheduled for the entire afternoon today and would only be back home later in the evening. My WFH arrangement was intentionally scheduled to allow me to care for our daughter on such days.  

There are times when I would need to attend in-office meetings on my scheduled WFH days. When this happens, I am grateful to be able to bring baby along with me. 

During my daughter’s first visit, the entire office – even our CEO – stopped work and gathered around the stroller to enjoy baby’s presence, and many took turns carrying her. We even have a term for it: “baby therapy,” and I’m glad that my colleagues enjoy having baby around.  

A major diaper accident happened during one of baby’s subsequent visits. Instead of being told off for the mess and unpleasant smell, colleagues who were fellow parents jumped in to save the distressed baby and father. 

I attend meetings in office with baby strapped to me in a carrier. However, it is not uncommon to see staff helping to babysit toddlers while the parent attends a meeting, or to see older children roaming around the office.  

At the time of writing this, three of our colleagues had just given birth within the same week, and at least one more was due in the coming months. Our People and Culture team were hard at work preparing the office for these newborns and had converted one of our counselling rooms into a nursing room, complete with a diaper changing table. These may be small gestures but they show the organisation’s support for our team members entering the season of parenthood. 

We not only take the time to get to know one another as colleagues but as friends as well, and this too has a great impact on how we work. 

It’s 4pm. 

Baby had a solid two-hour nap and I’ve been entertaining her for the past hour. She is currently enjoying tummy time on the play-mat, as I sit close by and squeeze in as many sentences as I can before she decides that she requires my full attention again. 

I was writing about my team’s culture earlier this morning. Beyond the flexible work policies and child-friendly workplace, people here trust one another both professionally and relationally. We not only take the time to get to know one another as colleagues but as friends as well, and this too has a great impact on how we work.  

There have been times when I have found myself falling behind on work. Before baby came, I would have been able to easily catch up if I pulled a few extra hours and ignored everything else to get the work done. But with baby now, I can’t exactly ignore her when she cries for my attention.  

At times like these, the team has been gracious to cover for me. Likewise, I return the favour when my capacity allows me to. Weekly team check-ins have allowed us to practice accountability and open communication with each other, and to ensure that the team’s personal wellbeing and work deadlines are looked after. 

My WFH arrangement has allowed me to be more present for my daughter in her early formative years. For me, the disrupted sleep and extra effort to stay on task at work is worth it. 

It’s now 11pm.  

After putting baby down for her late afternoon nap, I started to prepare dinner. We enjoyed family dinner and time together with our daughter before her bedtime routine. I managed to squeeze in a quick workout as baby was nursing to sleep, before my wife and I tackled the laundry while chatting about our day. We are now both at our study desks ready to catch up on our work, with the baby monitor nestled in between our laptops.  

Has my workload decreased because of the change in life stage? Probably not, and it can certainly get tiring trying to keep up. But this arrangement has allowed me to be more present for my daughter in her early formative years. For me, the disrupted sleep and extra effort to stay on task at work is worth it.  

Beyond the additional paternity leave that I enjoy, having the privilege of a supportive workplace with flexible work policies, child-friendly environment, and understanding colleagues have been a great boost in supporting my growth in both my professional and family roles. While not all industries can afford to have such flexible work practices, just a small shift in our mindsets and culture can do wonders in supporting their employees’ wellbeing, family relationships and even family aspirations of their staff.  

Alright, time for me to catch up on work. I hope to be able to sleep as much as I can after, before baby initiates another staring contest.  

When Sex in Marriage Hits a Roadblock

Intimacy serves as the bedrock for a strong marital relationship, yet fostering deeper fulfilment through sexual connection is something that requires mutual effort, understanding and connection between spouses.  

It is not surprising that the ebb and flow of sexual intimacy moves along with us through the changing seasons of life. For a newly married couple, sex may be an exciting journey of discovering our spouse’s wants, needs and boundaries. For a young couple, eager to start a family, sex may look routine and rostered in a bid to “optimise” fertility windows. For couples with young children or a busy work schedule, sex may look like an obligation that clashes with one’s tiredness and fatigue. For a mature couple, it could be a second chance to rekindle the romance when the children have left the nest. For an elderly pair, sex may not be as much prioritised as it was in the earlier married years, as compared to companionship in the latter years.   

Intimacy Roadblocks  

Hence, it is to be expected that our sex life grows and changes as we grow and change. Sex will mean different things to a couple at different stages of their lives.  

Our sex life may also hit some roadblocks along the way, and these could be timely opportunities for us to evaluate our marriage and to identify and talk through the issues involved. Some possible hindrances to bedroom intimacy include:  

  1. Physical Factors  

  • Health issues, medication  
  • Hormonal changes, pre & post pregnancy, menopause, midlife  
  • Changes in sexual function  
  1. Relational Factors 
  • Lack of connection with your spouse  
  • Unresolved conflicts  
  • Poor communication  
  • Trust issues  
  • Not enough privacy 
  1. Emotional Factors 
  • Stress & anxiety  
  • Depression  
  • Sexual or emotional trauma 

A common question that often plagues married couples is the issue of frequency: “How long is too long to go without sex?”  

According to Dr Israel Helfand, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, there is no right number. As it turns out, some have intimacy more often and some less. However, “frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires.” Hence, while many people believe that a healthy marriage requires frequent intimacy, it’s more about the quality and not quantity of intimate moments together.  

In this respect, here are a few ways to work on the quality of our interactions in our married life to improve the quality of interactions in the bedroom.  

Frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires. 

 

Keep Communications Open

Most couples would rather avoid such frank and awkward conversations around intimacy, but a strong relational foundation fosters an environment where intimacy can thrive. This looks like: engaging in regular conversations about our sexual desires and needs, and communicating with our spouse when we are going through stressful seasons, such as a demanding job project or parenting challenges, as these can significantly impact desire.  

Based on my experience, even a small change, like setting aside 15 minutes at the end of the day to talk, can alleviate stress and improve closeness. For example, during busier child-raising periods in our lives, my husband and I communicated our needs and adjusted our expectations, finding that our connection deepened even when physical intimacy was less frequent. 

 

Build Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the precursor to physical intimacy. Creating time for meaningful interactions, such as date nights or shared hobbies, reinforce the emotional connection. As a couple, carving out time for shared moments, whether through a quiet dinner or a simple walk, has enhanced our appreciation of each other, enriching our physical intimacy as a natural extension of our closeness. Introducing novelty, such as new activities, hobbies, or travel, can also increase romantic and sexual interest in each other.

 

Maintain Physical Affection

Maintaining regular physical affection beyond just sex, like cuddling and touching, is important. Physical touch is an important aspect of nurturing intimacy. Non-sexual physical affection, such as hugging, holding hands, or cuddling, can maintain a sense of physical closeness and comfort, leading to enhanced sexual intimacy.

Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and openness with your spouse cultivates a secure environment where both spouses can express vulnerability. 

 

Build Trust 

Trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and openness with your spouse cultivates a secure environment where both spouses can express vulnerability.  

Trust grows through consistent actions and by keeping promises in real life, while unresolved conflict can serve as a barrier to intimacy. Over time, resentment and tensions can seep into our receptiveness towards intimacy if nagging issues are not resolved honestly. We need to take time to work on any relationship cracks that undermine our closeness and connection as husband and wife. 

 

Seek Professional Help 

Sometimes, we all need some extra help to sort out relationship kinks. My husband and I have benefitted from numerous marriage retreats and marriage enhancement courses that have helped us spend special time as a couple while enhancing different aspects of our married life. 

For those experiencing heightened conflict or recurring issues, seeking marriage counselling or external help from a doctor or a therapist can be beneficial. Wellbeing factors, such as one’s physical or mental health, can often go unnoticed. A friend’s spouse once encountered medication side effects that impacted their intimacy. Understanding this allowed them to seek prompt medical advice and find alternative solutions. 

By seeking counselling and therapy, couples can enhance their relationship dynamics, which in turn strengthens their bonds of intimacy and love. It’s all about creating a nurturing environment where both spouses feel valued, understood, and connected, allowing intimacy to flourish naturally. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!   

4 conflict resolution skills that will fireproof your marriage

Conflict in any relationship is common and inevitable; yet it can be one of the trickiest things to handle. Conflicts can either make or break a relationship, especially in marriage. Learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy manner is essential for safeguarding a marriage and building strong, lasting bonds.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, has found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, as it erodes the foundation of respect and affection necessary for a healthy marriage. It’s the repeated inability to heal and repair from conflicts that grows resentment in one’s heart, eventually leading to contempt for your spouse. 

So… What can we do when the conflicts seem insurmountable? Here are some practical tips and handles from Rhezya and Edward, a couple who has only been married for seven years but have been intentional in not allowing their conflicts to get the better of them. 

These differences are a part of the person we chose to marry, and we need to learn to accept the person entirely, and see that these differences complement the marriage. 

1. Be one team

One of the terms Rheyza and Edward frequently used was “one team”, describing how they are on the same team even during a conflict. This mindset helped them remember that their ultimate goal was to strengthen their relationship, not to win an argument. In the words of Rheyza, “We need to be a team and if we don’t communicate, if we don’t try to find a win-win between the two of us, how else can we face other challenges together?”

It is essential for both spouses to acknowledge that differences will arise in a marriage and will cause friction. After all, each person has unique upbringings, personalities, and perspectives. Embracing these differences is crucial for a healthy marriage. 

These differences are a part of the person we chose to marry, and we need to learn to accept the person entirely, and see that these differences complement the marriage. By embracing them, we can see how they bring unique strengths and perspectives to the relationship, ultimately making the marriage more balanced and complete. 

2. Listen to understand, speak to clarify

During a conflict, we are always eager to get our point across (sometimes in a bid to prove ourselves right). Words fly faster than we can think and process. Taking time to slow down, listen, and process what the other party is actually saying requires intentional effort.  

I once heard a quote, “Listen to respond, not react,” that resonated very well with me, especially during a conflict with my husband. Often, we do not give each other enough space to fully convey what’s on our minds. We are quick to think of a reply to counter what was shared. Over time, we may lose the essence of what we are even fighting over. 

Edward said that in times like these, our emotions can take over, and he “tries really hard to be mindful and not generalise when angry or upset.”  

One point highlighted in Rhezya and Edward’s sharing was how they were intentional in asking clarifying questions instead of assuming what each other was trying to say. “When he asks me questions, he’s not against me. It’s not an attacking question; it’s a clarifying question,” said Rhezya. This approach gave them the space to explain more, allowing them to understand where each other was coming from. This approach also helped to disarm any threat the other spouse might feel amid the conversation. 

This paved the way in resolving the root cause of their conflict and helped them grow closer as a couple. When practised consistently, active listening can help couples grow in their intimacy with each other. 

When we allow each other to express themselves genuinely, withholding critical judgment, we give ourselves the space to be vulnerable.

3. Create a safe space

Edward mentioned that creating a safe space for his spouse to share was an important realisation, where “creating that safety, that space and being consistent [is key]”.  One of the fundamental building blocks of a strong marriage is trust, and marriage thrives on a strong foundation of trust. One of the main ways to build and keep trust is by creating a safe space for each other. 

Rheyza says the key to building that trust and openness is to bring up her thoughts and points… and for Edward to trust that these are not to attack him.

Sharing vulnerably prevents walls from building up in a marriage, as Rheyza adds that “if [I] don’t bring this up, we are not going to grow together and it might even drive us apart.” When we allow each other to express themselves genuinely, withholding critical judgment, we give ourselves the space to be vulnerable. 

We are only vulnerable with the people we trust because we know they won’t use our sharing against us. Our hearts matter, and we don’t want to expose them to people who might not handle them with care. 

Similarly, when we want to confront an issue in our marriage, we need to create a safe space so that we allow each other to share freely. However, tension arises when what is shared does not sit comfortably with us, be it our spouse’s feelings or what they are bothered by. Our ability to hold this tension will affect the depth of trust we build in each other and in the relationship.

Kindness during a conflict can look like extending forgiveness and grace to each other, encouraging each other that we are all on a learning journey.

4. Extend forgiveness and grace to each other

Kindness is a familiar value that our parents inculcate in us from a young age; we should already know how to be kind to others as adults. The irony is that we do not extend the same kindness to people who are most familiar to us. For example, we can be kind to our friends but struggle to show the same kindness to our parents.

As we grow closer to our spouse in our marriage, it can be easy to take them for granted, and forget to consistently extend kindness to each other.

Kindness during a conflict can look like extending forgiveness and grace to each other, encouraging each other that we are all on a learning journey. In the words of Edward, “Seek first to understand and then seek to respond. But when you do so, respond kindly.”

Kindness is an expression of love, especially during a conflict. It shows that we prize the person over the matter. Edward quipped, “Kindness is underrated, people do not understand how important it is even in in familiar relationships… we forget to be kind to ourselves and to each other.” When we take time to work on our conflict resolution skills, we will be able to taste the sweet fruits of our marriage down the road. We enjoy intimacy at a deeper level, and our marriage becomes our unshakable fortress.

10 Strategies to Help Our Children Navigate a “BANI” World

In recent years, we have witnessed a series of challenges that test our resilience:  

Regional wars.  

Deepfakes and DeepSeek.  

World leaderships changing hands at breakneck speed.  

Climate and man-made disasters popping up both in frequency and volume as quickly as a game of whack-a-mole. 

While many are familiar with the concept of a VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) world, some experts now suggest that our reality is better described as a BANI world. (Fun fact: VUCA was actually coined as far back as 1987 by the US Army War College, so I’m sure you’ll agree it’s nothing new) 

BANI stands for Brittle, Anxious, Non-Linear and Incomprehensible.  

This is an acronym created in 2018 by American futurist and writer Jamias Cascio to help update the vocabulary we need to describe this world we now live in. 

In a BANI world, what appears strong may in fact be fragile. The foundations we assume are unshakable can be surprisingly vulnerable. 

Understanding the BANI World 

Drawn from an article found in Forbes, below is a quick introduction to this description of our world: 

Brittle – The Illusion of Strength  

In a BANI world, what appears strong may in fact be fragile. The foundations we assume are unshakable can be surprisingly vulnerable—whether that be our public health or financial systems, geopolitical stability, and job security. It is illusory strength, the belief that “everything will be alright” and the assumption that everything we build our life on is secure, except that they aren’t.  

Anxious – The Illusion of Control  

Anxiety refers to a feeling of helplessness, of being overwhelmed by everything that one faces. It comes with stress and a fear of not being able to cope with what’s constantly happening in the world. We will never really know what will come, making it hard or impossible to make the “right” decisions free of risks. 

Non-linear – The Illusion of Predictability  

Life rarely follows a straight path. Instead, we encounter detours, dead ends, and unexpected outcomes along the way. Embracing this non-linearity enables us to become more adaptable and resourceful when confronted with change. 

Incomprehensible – The Illusion of Knowledge  

Finally, incomprehensible refers to people’s experience that they don’t understand what is going on. They can’t oversee it, can’t grasp it, can’t interpret what happens, and why. This means they can’t find the answers they are looking for and, as far as they do get answers, they can’t fully make sense of them either. Accepting that not everything in life can be neatly explained is liberating, prompting us to seek new perspectives and learn continuously. 

We would be bubble-wrapping our kids if we told them that life would be relatively pain-free, or that it could be carefully curated to fit our needs and lifestyles. 

Helping Our Children Thrive in a BANI World 

As parents, we need to prepare our kids for a reality that can be unpredictable and difficult to control. We would be bubble-wrapping our kids if we told them that life would be relatively pain-free, or that it could be carefully curated to fit our needs and lifestyles the way social media may appear to on the surface. 

Even the mundane events we plan for them daily, like attending classes or weekend enrichments, cannot entirely shield them from unexpected challenges. So, what can we do as parents to help our children thrive in a BANI world? 

Here are ten practical strategies: 

1. Foster Resilience

Since the world is brittle and full of unexpected changes, we need to equip our children with mental resilience. Encourage them to see failures as learning opportunities rather than setbacks. Teaching problem-solving skills and fostering a growth mindset can help them handle disappointments and uncertainties better. 

2. Teach Emotional Regulation

Anxiety is a natural response in a world that seems out of control. Help your children develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and journaling can be useful tools to manage stress and anxiety effectively.

3. Encourage Adaptability

Given that the world is non-linear, it’s important to teach children to embrace flexibility. Encourage them to be open to change and adaptable in the face of unexpected events. Knowing how to pivot when things don’t go as planned is a valuable life skill. 

4. Promote Critical Thinking

Incomprehensibility means that not everything is clear-cut or straightforward. Teach your kids to question information critically, verify sources, and develop the ability to analyse complex situations. This will help them make sense of the world even when things seem chaotic. 

5. Provide Stability at Home

While we cannot control external factors, we can create a sense of security at home. Establishing routines, setting clear expectations, and providing a supportive environment can help children feel safe and grounded despite the world’s uncertainties. 

6. Encourage Lifelong Learning

Since knowledge is constantly evolving, children need to develop a love for learning. Teach them that education doesn’t stop at school—it’s a lifelong process. Introduce them to new ideas, skills, and perspectives that will help them stay adaptable and informed. 

7. Model Resilience and Adaptability

Children learn best by observing their parents. Show them through your actions how to cope with challenges, remain calm in difficult situations, and bounce back from adversity. Your example will be more powerful than any lecture.

8. Develop Strong Community Ties

In a volatile world, a strong support system is crucial. Encourage children to build meaningful relationships with family, friends, and mentors who can guide and support them in times of uncertainty.

9. Limit Exposure to Negative Media

While staying informed is important, excessive exposure to negative news can increase anxiety. Teach children how to filter information, recognise when their emotions get triggered, and focus on constructive and solution-based narratives. Better yet, have family conversations on how we might do our part in addressing some of these societal challenges

10. Encourage Purpose and Meaning

Finally, children need to have a sense of purpose. Help them find passions and causes that inspire them. Having a strong “why” can anchor them in times of uncertainty and provide motivation to keep moving forward. 

Our children don’t need parents who have all the answers—they need parents who are committed to grow with them.

While the world may feel brittle, anxious, non-linear, and incomprehensible, we are not powerless. As we reflect on these strategies, it’s important to acknowledge that parenting in a BANI world is no simple feat. The realities we face are complex, and while the principles outlined here may serve as guidelines, their application will look different for every family. 

But if there’s one thing to take away, it’s this: you don’t have to get everything right. Our children don’t need parents who have all the answers—they need parents who are committed to grow with them. The goal isn’t perfection, but rather—with love, wisdom, and intentional effort, we can raise resilient, adaptable children who are prepared to face the future head-on.  

When Should I Start Talking to My Child About Sex?

Talking to Your Child About Sex: A Guide for Parents 

Discussing sex with your child can feel awkward and daunting, but it’s an essential part of their development. We recommend approaching the topic early, when your child is around the age of four or five, as we set the tone by being their first source of information in this important area of life.  

Furthermore, by starting young, our kids generally don’t feel as awkward about the topic, as they would be more curious and open to listening to what you have to say. Broaching the subject in teenhood is another matter altogether, as the teen awkwardness would have usually started, and they may have already heard things from their friends.  

By applying openness and honesty, you can help your child understand their bodies, relationships, and boundaries that can help keep them safe.  

Here’s a guide to help you navigate these conversations with ease. 

Preschool years (4-6 Years)  

Laying the Foundation

At this age, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls. Use simple, accurate language to answer their questions.  

For example, if your child asks where babies come from, you can say, “Babies grow in a special place inside their mommy’s tummy called the uterus.” Or they may ask: “Why are boys and girls’ bodies different? 

Emphasise the importance of privacy and having safe boundaries for themselves. For example, what is good versus bad touch? This will help us set up safeguards against sexual abuse. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)   

Building on Basics 

As children grow, their questions may become more detailed. Continue to provide accurate information and encourage open communication. You can introduce the concept of puberty and explain that their bodies will go through changes as they grow older. For example, you might say, “During puberty, your body will start to change, and you’ll notice things like hair growing in new places and your voice getting deeper.” 

Check out our Talk About Sex video on What is Puberty? It’s designed for parent-and-child to view together.  

Tween years (10-12 years)   

Preparing for Puberty

By this age, children are likely to have heard some information about sex from friends, media, or school. It’s crucial to provide them with accurate information and address any misconceptions. Start by discussing what makes a healthy relationship, and what red flags to watch out for.  

Also, help your tween understand why porn is unhealthy for them, and why it can be so addictive. 

General Tips for All Ages 

  1. Be approachable: Let your child know they can come to you with any questions or concerns. 
  2. Use age-appropriate language: Tailor your explanations to your child’s level of understanding. 
  3. Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for your child to express their thoughts and feelings. 
  4. Be honest: Provide accurate information and correct any misconceptions. 
  5. Respect their privacy: Allow your child to ask questions and share their thoughts without judgment. 

Remember, talking to our children about sex is an ongoing conversation. Starting young helps us lay a good foundation for more conversations and trickier topics.  

By being open, honest, and supportive, we are their best guides to help them navigate this area of their development with confidence. 

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

The Lessons I Learnt From My Parents’ Broken Marriage

For *Anne’s family, things are not always what they seem.

Her parents have been married for over 30 years. When they go out, they still hold hands. 

From an outsider’s perspective, things look well. But Anne knew that this was all a facade when things between her parents took a turn for the worst two years ago. That was when her father’s affair came to light.

“My father is an easily-angered person, so Mum has learnt over the years that the less we tell Dad the better,” Anne described.

Recounting her growing up years, Anne thought that while hers wasn’t an exceptionally close family, it wasn’t all that bad. There was food on the table. She could still confide in Mum when she needed to.

In her own words, “This is the only family I know. My other close friend back then also came from a pretty broken family, where there was even violence and abuse. So relative to her situation, I thought we were actually not doing too badly.”

But there were telltale signs. When she discovered her brother’s stash of porn magazines and promptly told her mother, her mother all but brushed it aside as a “teenage boy thing.”

Then there was the alcohol. When Anne was a teen, she remembered her dad purchasing alcohol by the crate; sometimes the bottles of wine and whisky would be emptied within a week.

Instead of fond memories shared with Dad, she recalled the times when he would be a wet blanket whenever she was having fun with her siblings.

Because my mum just let him be, there was no feedback at all given to my dad… So, in a way, there was no avenue for him to learn alternate ways of parenting us.

The Years of Indifference

Since Anne was a young child, she has never once witnessed her mother stepping in to ease the tension or offer alternative solutions whenever her father disciplined them harshly.  

“Because my mum just let him be, there was no feedback at all given to my dad – even when the discipline was way harsher than the “crime” that we did as children. So, in a way, there was no avenue for him to learn alternate ways of parenting us,” she said wistfully while also drawing comparisons with how she’s learning how to parent her two young children.

Perhaps it was this indifference, this letting him be, that led to even bigger mistakes, like the affair that was discovered just two years ago. 

Even after the affair discovery, Anne’s mother could not fully come to terms with what had happened, at times oscillating between denial and dissociation, at times also ruminating over what could have been. 

When Anne asked her how she felt, she often could not answer. Although her mum appears calm on the surface, Anne knows that it isn’t a complete reflection of what’s going on within.

I feel completely secure with my husband, and he is very different from my dad. These factors alone give me great assurance, but I would say it’s also due to our shared faith and values.

The Lessons Learnt From Brokenness

Since young, Anne felt that she was wired slightly differently from her family members. Never one to shy away from airing her true feelings, she believes honesty and open communication are key success factors in her marriage.

From her parents’ experience, she’s also learnt that feedback is often necessary, in order for change to take place.

“I value being able to say how we feel, especially when it hurts,” Anne explained. “Sweeping it under the carpet will not magically make it go away.”

At the same time, she and her husband of seven years will try to cool down and approach the other party when the time is right – usually when both parties are feeling calm.  

When asked if she harbours any fears of infidelity or communication breakdowns in her own marriage, she replied with a firm and resolute “no”.  

She elaborated, “I feel completely secure with my husband, and he is very different from my dad. Our shared faith and values provide me with a great sense of assurance.”

On Parenting and Looking Ahead

Today, Anne is a stay-home mum who tries her best to be a safe harbour for her children. She often turns to parenting accounts on Instagram for parenting tips and regularly reads articles on how to be a better and more intentional parent to her kids.

Together with her husband, she works to build a home where her children feel accepted for who they are.

Anne articulated, “I’m not looking to be a perfect parent but I do try to emulate and reflect God’s patience and joy to my kids. I hope my children know that we are here to support them. I hope they know that when I say ‘no’, I don’t mean to kill their joy. At the same time, I hope to say an exuberant ‘yes’ to them often.

“As for my parents, I hope they will one day be able to be honest with themselves about how they feel and think and also experience the freedom of giving and receiving forgiveness in light of the betrayal.”  

  

*Pseudonyms have been used to protect the identity of the interviewees.