Resource Type: Articles

When Can I Start Dating?

The birds and the bees, boy-girl relationships, perhaps every parent’s nightmare. Where do we start? What do we say? How do we broach the subject? We feel awkward and unnatural talking about the topic. Many of us may have been left as children and teens to figure it out on our own. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Our children are always observing and learning about the world around them. They are picking up social norms and behaviour from their friends, social media and the people they come into contact with. What better way than for parents and trusted adults to be their first line of information and to be actively shaping their views about relationships, dating and marriage?

Why date?

The dictionary definition of dating is “to regularly spend time with someone you have a romantic relationship with”. For many, it is also to ascertain if the person you are dating would be someone you would marry for life.

Therefore, it is important to help our children understand that dating is not “just for fun”, there are many implications being in an exclusive relationship with someone. Dating should not be treated flippantly.

When can I start dating? 

While there is no strict one-size-fits-all rule about when someone can date, we would encourage parents to caution their children not to date before the age of 17. There are many dangers that can occur in immature relationships—sexual promiscuity or abuse; the inability to handle intense emotions; distractions from their main responsibility of being students, among others. 

Instead, we should encourage them to be focused on forming friendships, getting to know as many people as they can in primary and secondary school; developing skills and hobbies through various activities; and growing in their knowledge through school. 

As parents, we ought to also be conversing with our children about relationships from a young age to guide and prepare them for when they start to date.

Primary & tween years (7-12) 

Primary school children will start to notice the different kinds of relationships around them: parent-child, friends, married, dating. We can use real life examples of dating couples to describe a dating relationship—what they are doing and for what purpose.

We may explain how those who are dating are not married, but have a special, romantic relationship that might be headed towards marriage. Their affection for each other not only binds them emotionally but may be expressed physically, within safe boundaries. We should also correct any impressions they get about relationships from the media they consume. Help them distinguish screen life from real life—how people fall in love and stay in love.

Teen & late teen years (13-19) 

Youths in their teen years and older may start to feel attraction and romantic feelings towards others. They may be considering starting a relationship with a person or wonder if it is the right time and place to do so.

We should assure them that such feelings are a normal part of growing up. Help them process those feelings and if appropriate, how they should act on them.

How to date?

As we talk to our children about dating, we should discuss specific guidelines that will keep their dating relationship safe and healthy.  

Build friendships 

Encourage our children to begin with group dates where they go out with other friends in a group. In group settings, our children learn how to relate to members of the opposite gender. They can use these opportunities to get to know each other before going on solo dates.

Group dates provide opportunities for continued friendships with other friends, preventing a couple from retreating into an exclusive and sometimes elusive pair (void of external friendships). Friendships are foundational in building healthy relationships throughout life.  

A dating relationship should start from a friendship where there are common interests, values and goals in life.

Safe spaces 

With the prevalence of porn, many young people may have misguided impressions and views about physical intimacy. They may wonder what forms of physical intimacy might be appropriate or allowed (although most young people will probably be too embarrassed to ask). Be specific in laying down boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy. Talk to them about intimacy and sex in a relationship.

Teach our children how to be respectful and protective of their dates. Encourage them to keep their dates in public spaces. Many may not be able to control their actions in a dating situation particularly if they are in a private location. 

Help our children see that every action has a consequence.

Open communication 

Check in with our children from time to time. Find out what has been going well and what has been difficult as they explore dating. Sometimes they may need help processing their feelings, other times, they may simply need a listening ear to know that you care. Listen without judgement and give advice gently.

Get to know the person our children are dating. Take an interest in their lives. This gives us a window into how compatible our child and their date may be and whether it is wise to keep going.

Assure them that it is okay not to proceed with the relationship if it is detrimental to either of them.

Grow in character 

Help our children become people others will want to date. When we teach our children kindness, self-control, empathy and the willingness to look to the interests of others, it will put them in good stead for any future relationships. They learn that relationships are not only for their own benefit but for the happiness of both persons.  

As awkward as the topic of dating and relationships can be, let’s be intentional to guide our children in this area. When we speak with genuine love and concern, our children will be more willing to listen and open up about their struggles and joys. Together, we can navigate this often confusing world of dating, helping them enjoy and experience healthy and loving relationships throughout life. 

Want to be equipped to lead conversations about love and relationships with your youths? Join us at the upcoming Healthy Sexuality Masterclass in August! 

Is It Normal to Think About Divorce?

Marriage often begins with romantic ideals—two people pledging to love and stay with each other for life, through all seasons. Yet somewhere between the wedding vows and daily routines setting in or the arrival of kids, many couples find themselves wondering: Is this really working?  

Some may even find themselves asking a more troubling question—Should I get a divorce? 

If you’ve ever had that thought, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s more common than you think. 

In a study of close to 300 individuals that have used Focus on the Family Singapore’s new Connect2 Marriage Assessment tool, we asked respondents whether they have considered divorcing their spouse in the past few years.  

The good news is that more than three-quarters of the respondents have not. However, there is a small but significant group (about 5%) that thought about it “frequently” or “most of the time”.  

Furthermore, 1 in 5 wives have thought of divorce “sometimes”, “frequently” or “most of the time”. This is higher compared to 6% of husbands. 

But here’s the key: Having the thought doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It may, instead, be a signal that something needs attention. 

Behind closed doors, many couples wrestle with unmet expectations, emotional fatigue, or the grind of child-rearing and work. 

The quiet thoughts many don’t admit 

According to the Institute for Family Studies, nearly half of married individuals in the U.S. have at some point thought their marriage might be in serious trouble. In a world filled with curated social media relationships and constant comparisons, it’s easy to believe everyone else has it better.  

But behind closed doors, many couples wrestle with unmet expectations, emotional fatigue, or the grind of child-rearing and work. 

Lisa and Edric, a couple married for 12 years and raising three kids, described feeling “more like co-managers of a household than soulmates.” Lisa admitted that in their worst months, she would find herself imagining life without Edric—not because she didn’t love him, but because she felt emotionally disconnected.  

For Edric, the pressure of work and being “the provider” left him emotionally distant and physically drained. They weren’t fighting all that frequently, but they weren’t connecting either. 

Both quietly wondered: Is this what ’till death do us part’ is supposed to feel like? 

The reality is that most marriages will experience dry spells, seasons of intense conflicts, or even times of bitterness. These difficult phases can plant seeds of doubt. But just as thoughts about quitting a job don’t mean you’ll hand in your resignation the next day, thoughts of divorce too do not mean you throw in the towel immediately. 

Why it’s normal—and why it’s worth addressing 

When the stresses of life, personality differences, and old wounds collide, even the strongest couples can feel strained. It’s normal to wonder if things could be easier alone, or with someone else. 

But what if we allow such thoughts to function as a wake-up call, and use it as motivation to work on the issues together? According to Dr Jared Tan, Clinical Psychologist & Couples Therapist at Focus on the Family Singapore,

It is sadly, quite common to have couples come in after years of pain and emotional disconnection due to a distancer-pursuer pattern of communication. This is, fortunately, quite easily remedied through couples therapy or counselling.

Defending the commitment of marriage 

Marriage was never promised to be a smooth journey. The lifelong commitment we made through our wedding vows means choosing each other over and over, even when it’s hard.  

That doesn’t mean staying in a relationship that’s abusive—those situations may require different boundaries and professional help. But in most cases, the disillusionment that couples feel comes from unintentional neglect, miscommunication, or drifting apart, not from irreparable harm. 

John and Amirah, married for 18 years, went through a season where John was travelling constantly for work, and Amirah felt like a single parent. Tensions simmered, and Amirah confided to a friend that she had looked up divorce lawyers.  

Thankfully, her friend gently challenged her: “Before you make a decision, have you told him how deeply you feel alone?” That conversation led to a marriage retreat, which opened the doors to therapy and eventually, healing. They didn’t just “fix” their problems, they re-established their connection. 

When we view marriage as a covenant—more than just a contract—we recognise that commitment is not about how we feel in any given moment. It’s about the choice to love, grow, and keep showing up.  

That kind of love doesn’t just survive the storms—it’s forged in them.

When do we seek help? 

If you’ve been thinking about divorce, especially repeatedly or with growing emotional pain, it may be a sign for you to slow down, reflect, and seek help. 

Here are some possible steps to consider: 

  • Talk to your spouse – Many times, one partner is silently suffering while the other is unaware. Honest conversations can open the doors to understanding and assurance. 
  • Reach out to a counsellor – Professional guidance provides a safe space to unpack resentment, clarify needs, and work toward long-term solutions. Marriage counselling isn’t just for troubled couples—it’s for any couple that wants to grow stronger. 
  • Speak to a trusted mentor or faith leader – Sometimes, an outside perspective from someone who knows both of you can offer wise, balanced advice that is rooted in love. 

Yes, it can be normal to have thoughts of divorce. But those thoughts don’t have to signal the end of a relationship. By facing up to issues honestly and seeking the right avenues of help, it can be the beginning of something new: a more honest, intentional, and enduring marriage. 

Even in the darkest moments, there is hope and there is help. And there is the possibility of rediscovering the love you thought you’d lost.

When Depression Hits: Supporting Your Spouse While Staying Afloat

Marriage is a beautiful journey, but it can also be challenging, especially when one partner is struggling with depression.  

In this article, we explore some practical ways to support your spouse while ensuring you stay sane in the process.  

We spoke with Eliza Gan, an Associate Counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore, who shared some ways to support your spouse while also remembering to care for yourself. 

Recognising burnout in yourself 

Supporting a spouse with depression can be emotionally taxing. It’s crucial to recognize the signs of burnout in yourself to maintain a healthy balance in your relationship. Eliza Gan highlights, “Caring for a spouse with depression is an act of love, but it can also take a toll on us emotionally.”  

Here are some telltale signs: 

Increased irritability is one of the first signs of burnout. “If you find yourself snapping more often at your spouse, kids, or coworkers, it might be a sign of burnout,” Eliza explains. Emotional and physical exhaustion is another indicator. Feeling constantly drained, having trouble sleeping, or experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues can indicate emotional strain. 

Another critical sign is the loss of self. “If your identity becomes solely wrapped up in being a caregiver, and you stop doing things that bring you joy, it’s time to take a step back,” Eliza advises. Cognitive overload, where you constantly worry about your spouse’s well-being and feel trapped, is also a significant warning sign. 

Increased irritability is one of the first signs of burnout. 

Taking the first steps 

Self-awareness is key to recognising your emotional limits before burnout sets in. Eliza emphasises, “Self-awareness helps you to notice when you’re running on empty, allowing you to respond with patience rather than frustration.” Here are some steps you can take: 

Firstly, seek support. Talk to a trusted friend or see a therapist. It’s essential to have someone to share your feelings with. Setting boundaries is also crucial. “Being there for your spouse doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs. Prioritise self-care without guilt,” Eliza advises. 

Rebuilding boundaries involves engaging in activities that recharge you, whether it’s social connections or personal hobbies. Shifting your perspective can also make a significant difference. Instead of thinking, “I have to fix this for my spouse,” try, “We are both adjusting and need to support each other.” This mindset fosters partnership rather than pressure. 

Self-awareness helps you to notice when you’re running on empty, allowing you to respond with patience rather than frustration. 

Building a strong foundation

A strong marriage foundation acts as a buffer during difficult times. Eliza shares, “Studies on what makes marriages thrive, even in difficult circumstances, show us very clearly that emotional connection, trust, and secure attachment are key.”  

Here are some ways to lay this foundation: 

Establish shared rituals of connection, such as regular date nights or daily check-ins. Building a culture of friendship and admiration is also vital. “Mutual respect and appreciation make it easier to extend understanding and patience,” Eliza notes. 

Trust and commitment are the bedrock of a strong marriage. Resist behaviours that erode trust, such as emotional withdrawal. Stay engaged and support each other. Nurturing emotional and physical intimacy is equally important. Regular expressions of affection and small acts of kindness contribute to higher relationship satisfaction. 

Invest in building a strong marriage before challenges hit. 

Facing depression together 

Depression doesn’t define your marriage. With the right support and practical habits, you can navigate these challenges together. Eliza encourages couples to “celebrate small wins and recognise progress, no matter how small.” Keeping communication open is crucial. “Even on tough days, keep saying, ‘I’m here. We are in this together,'” she advises. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Therapy, support groups, or faith communities can provide the strength you need. “Invest in building a strong marriage before challenges hit,” Eliza emphasises. 

“Worth The Wait” Didn’t Just Give Me a Love Story. It Gave Me Perspective.

We all dream of perfect love stories—the kind promised in classic romantic comedies and fairytales: meet-cutes, effortless chemistry, and ‘happily ever afters’ where problems magically disappear. But what happens when reality hits? When distance stretches thin, grief suffocates, or family expectations weigh heavy? When giving up feels easier than holding on? 

Tom Lin’s Worth the Wait isn’t a typical rom-com fantasy. Instead, it offers an unflinchingly honest journey into the true battlefield of relationships. We meet Curtis (Sung Kang), a rideshare driver raising his niece Riley (Ali Fumiko Whitney), who’s secretly dating Blake (Ricky He). We witness Theresa (Karena Lam) and Nathan (Osric Chau) grapple with profound loss, watch anxiously as Amanda (Elodie Yung) and Scott (Andrew Koji) try to rekindle love, and follow Kai (Ross Butler) and Leah (Lana Condor) as they navigate a long-distance relationship. 

As their stories unfold, the film explores raw emotional aftermaths, exposed vulnerabilities, and the complex pressures of family. It forced me to ask: When life challenges everything we know, what does love really look like? 

Here are 3 takeaways that have reshaped my perspective on love:  

1. Love is a constant, courageous choice 

Worth the Wait reminds me that love isn’t something that just happens and isn’t just a feeling. It’s something we choose, again and again, even in the quiet, difficult moments when walking away seems easier. 

Leah says it best: “I don’t need magical. I need real, messy, honest life.”  Riley, too, finds a space where she can cry, laugh, and be herself. There’s something profound and safe about being fully known—even in your worst moments—and still being fully loved. 

Kai’s line, “Meeting you was not in my life plan. But choosing you is definitely in my life plan,” captures this beautifully. He flies halfway across the world not because love is easy, but because he decides it’s worth the fight. Life will inevitably present challenges, and sometimes feelings fade – we have the choice to stay and fight for the relationship or to run away. Relationships thrive on the minute daily decisions to stay, to communicate, and to grow together no matter what life throws our way. 

Love isn’t magically found—it’s chosen and formed through the ups and downs of life. 

2. Love is strengthened in the in-between moments 

We often chase the big milestones—anniversaries, proposals, marriage. But Worth the Wait argues that love is forged in the in-between: the long, quiet stretches between beginnings and endings. If we only wait for a picture-perfect story, we miss the quiet miracles happening in those seemingly mundane everyday moments of sustained effort.  

Theresa and Nathan’s story is a heart-wrenching portrayal of love and loss. After the devastating loss of their child, the couple struggles to stay afloat under the weight of the grief. The temptation to ignore the pain and retreat into silence is overwhelming. 

As I watched them struggle, I was confronted by the fear of loss—the kind that comes only when we’ve loved deeply. I often fear that when I love deeply, I risk feeling the pain of loss too, making me hold back in relationships to protect myself.  

Their story taught me that loving deeply is not something to fear; it allows us to experience the beauty of life’s fullness. In the depths of their loss, Nathan and Theresa discovered new depths of love—for life and for each other. Their healing wasn’t just about accepting life as it was, but about daring to hope again. It didn’t happen in an instant, but in the in-between—through honesty, vulnerability, and the quiet decision to keep going. 

Their journey of loss shows that love, especially when chosen through pain, does not shortchange us.  

Not every story ends in ‘happily-ever-after.’ Amanda and Scott, despite their passion and ‘soulmate’ spark, fall apart when one stops choosing the relationship. It’s a painful reminder that love requires more than intense feelings. It needs mutual effort—and sometimes, to love is to let go. 

The in-between is where love is tested and strengthened. As the movie reminds us, “Life is hard and unpredictable enough; you need someone who’s really in it with you.”  

3. Love is first learned at home 

What truly elevated Worth the Wait for me was its portrayal of family—the first place we learn what love is, and sometimes, what it isn’t. The film dives into the raw, honest, and all-too-real realities that shape us long before we seek romantic love. 

Curtis struggles to be a father. Theresa’s mother (Tan Kheng Hua) protects her the only way she knows how. Blake aches for the father figure he never had. Kai pleads with his dad, “Couldn’t you just say that you were proud of me?”  

Knowing some of those longings all too well myself, I was deeply reminded of the weighty role of our parents on one’s identity and self-worth. Yet, I was moved by the restoration of relationships in the film—offering hope to anyone who’s ever felt the same.  

These stories reveal how our earliest relationships define love; its possibilities and its limitations. They expose the wounds, the yearning, the resilience we carry into adulthood. Yet within each character’s struggles lie a sense of hope. The film shows that reconciliation is possible, that redeeming family narratives and patterns can lead to healing, and that the love of those who step in can be as transformative as the love we once lost.  

In family’s embrace—or its absence—we first grasp the weight and power of love. 

A story for every heart 

Worth the Wait doesn’t offer easy answers. It offers something better: a raw, authentic portrayal of love and life in all its complexity. It invites us to confront our own brokenness and life’s messiness. It reminds us that the beauty lies in the fight; in the hard moments where love is tested and proven true and where choosing to stay becomes an act of courage. 

This is a film for anyone who has loved deeply, lost painfully, or is simply searching for a story that reflects human experience. 

If you’re ready to laugh, cry, and feel everything in between, Worth the Wait is a story you won’t want to miss. It’s not a fairy tale, but it’s the kind of love story that stays with you. 

Is it Okay to Watch Shows with Occasional Nudity?

Tween and Tween years (10-15)

Establishing healthy communication between parent and child is key. Do you encourage your kid to come talk to you about anything they see on their screens? Have you established yourself as a safe place that they can approach without worrying that you will scold them and take away their devices? 

As awkward as it may be, being upfront with your tween and early teen about content that is inappropriate for them and why, is the best preparation you can make as a parent today.  

According to local Film Classification Guidelines, shows with a G rating do not depict any nudity. At a PG or PG-13 rating, depictions of rear or side profile nudity in a non-sexual context may be presented.  

However, unlike at the cinemas where IDs can be asked for, no one is checking your child’s age before they choose a show on Netflix, YouTube and other content providers that bring content directly to your home. In fact, as your child grows into a teenager, he or she is probably having a lot more unsupervised screen time. So, make it a point to have conversations about what they watch.  

Continue to revisit boundaries and values your family holds on to. Avoid using fear as a deterrent. Instead, always provide the Why behind the What, for example, talk to them about modesty, explaining that their bodies are precious and private, so they do not share it with anyone freely. Similarly, it is not right for us to see the nakedness of others.   

You can also teach them to check their own motives by asking themselves: Why do I want to watch this show? How do these scenes make me feel? Do I want watch this because all my friends are watching?  

Help them connect their responses with their values so that when they do face tricky situations in life, they can lean on their convictions to guide their actions.  
  
Finally, teach them to respond fast when they are in uncomfortable situations: When a scene comes on that falls outside of what they should view, turn it off immediately or walk away. 

Emerging years (16-19)  

Your teen is now older and mature enough to understand a lot more. Treat their opinions with respect, and listen to them a lot more than you talk. If you have a strong relationship, you can continue to influence their choices. 

On media consumption, engage your teen on the broader issues, for examples, talk to your teen about the porn industry and its impact on society. Get them thinking about whether this is good and why this change happened.  
If your teen has a boyfriend or girlfriend, help them think about what programmes they are comfortable watching together. Be straightforward enough to ask how they would react if the show they are watching features nudity or a sex scene. 

You can also have conversations with your teen on respectful and consensual physical touch  to help your teen think about how one’s media consumption could shape our attitudes and values, and in turn affect our behaviour. 

In our highly digitalised world, accessing sexually explicit and inappropriate content takes but a few casual clicks. These critical conversations will help your teen develop an inner compass to navigate the many media choices available.  

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today!  
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Am I a Good Enough Father?

In today’s modern age where we are all time-strapped and often digitally distracted, what does it take to be a good father? What does active fathering actually involve?  

In a recent episode of the ParentEd podcast, we sat down with Kelvin Seah, a father of two and an adjunct Polytechnic lecturer, to discuss this issue. Kelvin emphasises that fatherhood is a continuous learning journey.  

“I want to make it very clear that a lot of things I say today I don’t necessarily practise them perfectly in my own life,” he admits.  

Such a humility may resonate with many of us parents who often feel the pressure to be perfect and who also grapple with feelings of guilt when we make mistakes. 

So…What makes a good father? 

When asked about the qualities that define a good father, Kelvin reminds us to mull over the broader question of what it means to be a good person. He believes that being a good father is less about specific actions and more about embodying the right values.  

“Being a good person doing the right thing has more to do with who we are and less about what we actually do,” he explains. 

Another essential fathering quality that Kelvin emphasises is the importance of being present in our children’s lives. He challenges the notion that quality time can replace quantity time, arguing that both are essential.  

You can’t really be a weekend warrior parent. Intentional parenting should be done on a regular basis daily. 

Building meaningful memories

One good place for fathers to start is to be intentional about how we create meaningful memories with our children. Whether it is setting aside time to be present with the kids at dinner time and at bedtime at least three times a week, or taking them out on bike rides on weekends, children will remember how they felt when they were with us. 

Kelvin explains, “When things get a bit rough and tough, our children will remember that in the end mummy and daddy are here for them because we love them and we care, and children ultimately grow well when they are in safe, secure environments.” 

He recounts his own decision to leave full-time work to be more present for his children. “The hours I spent with my child, both quality and quantity, are invested time that is giving me dividends now as I tackle the challenges of parenting teens,” he quips. 

Have you done your homework? Have you completed all the household chores? Have you done this and that and it becomes very transactional. Then you are just importing ethics from the corporate world into the family world and that doesn’t work. 

Bridging the emotional gap

Reflecting on a fatherhood involvement survey done by Focus on the Family Singapore, which found that many adults wished their fathers had played a greater role in their emotional development, Kelvin stresses the need for fathers to be emotionally available and to affirm their children regularly.  

But how do we do this on a more practical level? 

Kelvin share 3 tips using the acronym A-B-C for fathers to build stronger emotional connections with their children: 

1. A – Apprenticeship  

Apprenticeship means dads should return home after work to your children, spend time with them, and even just sit with them. This time is dedicated to checking in about their day but also being intentional to pass on a skill. In Kelvin’s case, he teaches communication skills, so he tries to pass on these skills to his sons by talking about how to communicate.  

2. B – Be present  

We should make pockets of time to be 100% with our children, Kelvin advises. We should also watch out for functional speak, because as busy parents we may come home and be all about functionality. “Have you done your homework? Have you completed all the household chores? Have you done this and that and it becomes very transactional,” Kelvin warns. 

3. C – Connect for meaning  

Focus on creating meaningful interactions. “What is it I want to leave with my children that they can remember me by?” is a question that Kelvin asks himself often. This question can guide parents in their daily interactions, and help us be more intentional. 

You’re going to fail, but it’s about picking yourself up and trying again. 

Forget perfection, aim for affection

Kelvin also reassures fathers that parenting is not about perfection but about affection.  

“You’re going to fail, but it’s about picking yourself up and trying again,” he articulates.  

Such a perspective is growth-oriented, and encourages us to be kind to ourselves and to view parenting as an ongoing journey of growth. 

Affirm your child’s identity

Being a father to two boys has tuned Kelvin to the realities and importance of intentionally parenting his sons.  

Reflecting on his own life, he says, “If you don’t have a male model regularly present in your life to model that behaviour for you for adulthood, you end up having to navigate it on your own, and it’s a much harder journey to make.” 

“You see their characteristics, their personalities showing up and you nurture that, you affirm that, you see who your child was inherently meant to be and the earlier you see that, the earlier you can create the environment for that personality to really take off and grow,” he adds.

As we can see, being a good father involves continuous learning, being present, and being intentional to invest time and create meaningful memories with your family. By embracing these principles, fathers can build strong, loving relationships with their children that will likely bear fruit – for generations to come. 

Fairness in Marriage Need Not Always Be 50-50

It was one of those days again. The kids were sick mid-semester. 

Since my wife is a teacher, it often falls to me to skip classes and care for them during school terms. The responsibilities felt relentless—juggling parenting, work, and studies. 

These moments added to the mounting stress and overwhelm.  

Resentment started bubbling up. 

I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this really fair? 

When life doesn’t feel “fair,” how do we respond constructively—without letting bitterness take root?

Over the years, I’ve gained some perspectives that have helped us strike a better balance and navigate these challenging moments:   

1. Exercise self-compassion in moments of overwhelm 

There will be times when your spouse isn’t available to share the load. In those moments, it can feel like you’re keeping everything afloat alone. 

Pause and remind yourself: Your reaction is normal. 

It doesn’t mean you’re inadequate, nor does it signal a lack of love or commitment from your spouse. 

In times like these, it is important to practise mindful self-compassion.  

If it’s been a particularly stressful day, take some time to notice how your body is reacting, acknowledge what you’re experiencing, and appreciate yourself for getting through it.  

For instance, in my earlier example, I may have noticed myself becoming more light-headed and more fatigued. In such moments, I could pause and offer myself self-compassionate reminders: 

“I’ve been doing my best to put my family first. I am feeling tired, and perhaps unappreciated for the sacrifices I’ve made – putting urgent work aside to care for my children. Even though they may not fully understand what I’ve given up to be here, my efforts today are an investment in the lasting bonds that we’re building together.” 

Such reminders are a useful way to reframe negative, unhealthy thoughts into more constructive ones, helping us to transform moments of resentment into grace. Being our own best cheerleader, extending grace to ourselves even when we don’t meet our expectations, strengthens our emotional resilience. 

2. Regularly reflect on your spouse’s contributions 

Continually noticing and reflecting on our spouse’s contributions to the family is equally important in tough times, when it can be difficult to acknowledge their effort and good qualities in the heat of the moment.  

Having a balanced view can help shift our perspective from harbouring resentment towards viewing our spouse as an equal team mate in the journey of marriage.  

Personally, when I reflect on my wife’s contributions, I’m often humbled.  

She has frequently balanced full-time work while planning and preparing meals, given up sleep countless times to care for our children, shouldered the significant mental load of managing our household, and attentively supported our children’s learning and development.  

By putting on a lens of grace, I’m able to see and appreciate the countless contributions of my spouse.  

The purpose of recalling our spouse’s contributions is not to invite unhealthy comparisons—after all, each of us brings unique strengths to our family. Rather, it is about drawing inspiration from our spouse’s example—to keep giving sacrificially and remaining open to growth, both in times of peace and in seasons of challenge.  

And indeed, reflecting on my wife’s sacrifices for the family fills me with deep gratitude and motivates me to continue giving my best for them.  

Marriage isn’t built on silence—it’s built on shared understanding. 

3. Have open conversations about your concerns

Marriage thrives when both spouses can engage in honest, open conversations about their needs.  

Not every discussion has to be weighty; sometimes it’s as simple as gentle reminders about chores or being proactive about helping out at home. But when it comes to the load being shared between spouses, it’s essential that both parties approach these conversations with mutual respect and a shared commitment to finding practical, meaningful solutions together. 

As someone who has struggled with conflict avoidance, I’ve learned that it’s far healthier to share my concerns with my wife than to sweep them under the carpet.  

While it’s important to show grace and occasionally overlook our spouse’s mistakes, whenever I bottled up important issues, I found these inevitably spilling out later—often in unpleasant ways, such as through my grouchiness or irritability.  

But when I began asking for my wife’s help with the home during stressful moments, she responded well. Bringing these blind spots to light enabled her to better understand my needs and make the necessary adjustments.  

4. Not 50-50 but 60-40 

We often expect a perfect split of responsibilities, but that’s rarely realistic. 

What’s worked better for us is this: Both spouses aim to give 60%. 

When we each strive to give more than our fair share, we create space for generosity, not scorekeeping. 

That’s the heart of teamwork. 

When marriage is rooted in service, grace, and care, both spouses thrive. 

Not every season will feel equal. But the strength of your commitment will carry you—because you’re not keeping count.  

This makes it easier for both partners to feel refreshed, fulfilled, and ready to embrace life’s adventure together.  

Helping Gen Zs Build a Strong Sense of Self

In a fast-paced world that constantly demands more, even of our young from the moment they enter school, Gen Z are facing an identity crisis—Who am I really, and what do I stand for?  

Many are searching for anchors in a world that feels ever-changing— brittle, anxious, non-linear, and incomprehensible (BANI).  

Yet even in this complex cultural moment, there is hope. A strong sense of self can be nurtured—and it begins with the quiet, consistent influence of family, strengthened by the presence of mentors and role models in their lives.  

These relationships provide a sense of belonging and a foundation of values that help Gen Z stand firm in who they are, no matter what challenges life brings. 

Through this piece, we hear from 3 Gen Zs: Tan Li, Noah Phan, and Dominick Ong, on how their identity has been shaped by their family and mentors. 

1. Family: The First Mirror

Every journey of self-discovery starts at home. Our first teachers are our families.  

In a culture that stresses academic success and career milestones, young people may feel defined solely by their performance. However, when families model unconditional love and timeless values, a deeper identity takes root. 

Tan Li shares, “My sense of self is deeply rooted in my values and beliefs which has shaped my sense of self to be one that is not rooted in or influenced by societal views or standards.” 

Her words remind us that identity comes from unwavering principles established from young, not from fleeting trends. A strong family identity gives youth clarity in times of change—whether at school, work, or in personal relationships. It anchors them against the shifting pressures of life, especially in seasons of transition. 

Noah echoes this sentiment, “I define my sense of self and identity with the self-assuredness that I am grounded by my values and belief systems, which also came from my upbringing, personal experiences and perspective of the world.”  

When parents live out their values consistently, they offer a blueprint for children to imitate and learn from. In this way, families have the power to shape a young person’s worldview, life choices and relational skills.

A strong family identity gives youth clarity in times of change—whether at school, work, or in personal relationships.

2. Identity is Built in Transition

A stable identity does not mean a life without challenges. In fact, moments of uncertainty often test our beliefs. For Gen Z, major transitions like finishing school or facing career choices can feel overwhelming. 

Dominick recalls a time when he felt a loss of control during his army days. “The pressure and the loneliness of camp made it very difficult for me to cope and emotionally regulate myself. Thankfully, a youth mentor journeyed with me, and gave me a space to externally process my thoughts and fears, which helped me regain a sense of control over my life.” 

It’s a sentiment many of us can relate to: the fear that the challenges we meet will overwhelm us, and the niggling self-doubt that creeps in. This moment of vulnerability is common. 

It is during such times that the belief in one’s intrinsic worth must be strong. Families and communities should reinforce that our value goes beyond grades or accolades. 

Tan Li adds, “When I find myself in situations outside of my control, such as in life or job transitions, I found that keeping myself connected socially and within a community was crucial in helping me maintain a healthy state of wellbeing.”  

The power of community, especially one that shares our values, cannot be overstated. It reminds us we are still deeply seen and valued, even when we are uncertain about where we are headed next in life.  

A supportive community can help young people feel less isolated in seasons of transition, whether that be studying, working, or starting a new phase of life. 

When I find myself in situations outside of my control, such as in life or job transitions, I found that keeping myself connected socially and within a community was crucial in helping me maintain a healthy state of wellbeing. 

3. The Role of Mentors

While family lays the foundation, mentors shape and refine that identity. They walk alongside the youth, offering guidance and demonstrating what living one’s values looks like in daily life. 

Noah recalls a key lesson about his father: “My father has a strong sense of responsibility, and I picked up that trait from him since I was young. It has guided me through difficult situations and will continue to guide me as I continue life.” 

Responsibility is learned through example. Observing family and mentors who live authentically can set a clear path for the youth.  

In his own experience, Dominick found that mentors come and go in different seasons: “One helped me process my childhood hurts, another played the role of an elder brother figure that I could look up to, and yet another guided me through my adolescent years. They all played crucial roles in different seasons of my life and helped me process hurts from my own family life and upbringing.” 

By being accessible and genuine, mentors provide a safe space for growth. They listen, advise, and help young people navigate the complexities of life while affirming their worth beyond measurable success.  

Mentors may have more life experience and wisdom, but the best mentors are ones who are quick to listen and come alongside our youth. 

As Clement Cheong, a seasoned youth mentor echoed, “It is important to see the world as this generation sees it. It is easy for us to fall into a ‘I know more than you’ mentality. But I have learnt much over the years from my mentees.” 

He added, “Mentoring is a two-way traffic. We share yet we listen. Only then can we feel the heartbeat of this generation.” 

Mentoring is a two-way traffic. We share yet we listen. Only then can we feel the heartbeat of this generation. 

4. Mental Health and the Power of Community

As mental health becomes an increasingly important concern among young people in Singapore, it’s clear that identity and emotional well-being are closely connected. When young people feel safe, understood, and valued, they are more likely to thrive. 

While there are more mental health resources available in Singapore, it is also important to create informal spaces for Gen Zs to build depth in relationships in their everyday life, beyond professional channels. This was a point raised by Dr Suzanne Choo, an educator for more than 20 years, at the State of the Family event organised by Focus on the Family earlier this year. 

Sometimes, we think strength means keeping it all together. But strength is also knowing when to reach out, and letting ourselves be seen by those we trust and have our best interest at heart. 

For Tan Li, this looks like arranging intentional time-outs such as going for a short getaway, hanging out with friends, or being outdoors. 

Similarly for Dominick, he enjoys spending his downtime alone, journalling, running or being in the outdoors. “Solitude is important for me,” he reflects. 

As for Noah, he credits his stability to being plugged in to communities of people that actively listen and keep me socially accountable, as well as pursuing his passions in volunteering and staying physically active. 

Maintaining our mental wellbeing looks different for everyone. What’s important is that we don’t self-isolate and to seek help when needed. 

5. A Generation Worth Believing In

Every generation faces its own challenges—but Gen Z is not lost. They are searching. And when they find families who love them unconditionally, mentors who commit to walk with them patiently —they won’t just survive, but will flourish. 

As Dominick shared, “It’s a journey of recognising that I have autonomy as an adult to be able to face challenges and overcome them.” 

Let us believe in them. Let us encourage them. Together, we can give Gen Zs the ability to walk through life’s uncertainties with courage. 

 

Tan Li, Noah Phan, and Dominick Ong are part of the FamChamps Council, a youth development programme that raises young family champions.  

The 11th run of our FamChamps Camp is happening from 28 to 31 Oct this year and we are looking to recruit Mentors (aged 21 and above) to embark on a 8-month camp experience journey with youths aged 13 to 14 years old. If you have a heart to work with young people and want to be equipped to make a positive impact on their families, find out more about this volunteering opportunity at our upcoming Volunteer Open House on 24 June 2025!

Keeping Love Alive While Raising A Large Family

For many young couples, keeping romance alive while juggling work, family, and the demands of parenting can feel like an uphill task. But is it truly possible to nurture your marriage in the thick of it all? 

 Ailin, a stay-at-home mother of five, shared her honest reflections in a recent podcast with Focus on the Family Singapore. Drawing from her own life, she offered practical, hope-filled ways she and her husband keep their love alive amidst the daily demands of raising a large family. 

 Here are five tips from her journey that can inspire any couple navigating the beautiful, messy reality of family life. 

 “I would say maybe some re-orientating of mindset in terms of how I spend my energy so that I still have a bit of energy at the end of the day and time to hang out with my husband.”   

1. Save energy for connection 

Ailin believes it starts with a mindset shift—learning to prioritise her marriage intentionally throughout the day so that she still has emotional energy left for her husband at night.  

This could mean being mindful of how much energy she expends on parenting tasks or carving out a brief midday check-in with her spouse—a thoughtful text, a short call, or simply taking a moment to remember her spouse during the day. 

To her, it’s about seeing her husband not as an afterthought but as a central part of her daily rhythm. That intentionality sets the tone for connection when they finally come together at the end of the day. 

2. Complement instead of compare

“I realised it’s not always a 50-50 kind of arrangement with husband and wife in the home.”

The idea of splitting chores 50-50 may sound fair, but Ailin challenges that notion. She believes that couples go through seasons, and expecting an exact split often leads to disappointment or resentment.

Rather than keeping score, she encourages couples to function as a team—supporting each other based on the season they’re in, not fixed expectations. She and her husband have found joy and strength in complementing each other’s strengths and needs, not comparing contributions.

“…just learning to look at what is needed and how each person can step up, to make family life an enjoyable one.”

This shift in perspective helps to foster unity. When spouses feel appreciated for what they uniquely bring to the table, mutual respect and love can flourish.

3. The power of small, consistent gestures

Date nights are wonderful, and Ailin admits she and her husband look forward to them. But with five children, date nights aren’t always feasible due to limited caregiving options for her family. 

Thus, she offers a refreshing perspective: while date nights are nice, little acts of kindness go a long way in keeping love alive.  

“…these little things, I think make bigger impacts on relationships than we realise. And it helps foster that emotional connectedness between husband and wife so that they feel they have each other’s support.” 

Simple gestures—like saying thank you, making a cup of coffee, or offering a back rub—can speak volumes. These small acts say, “I see you. I appreciate you. I’m with you.” 

They help create emotional intimacy, which is the glue that holds marriages together—especially in demanding seasons of parenting.  

4. Make space for open and supportive conversations

The early years of parenting are filled with challenges. During these times, open, regular communication becomes more crucial than ever. 

 “Sometimes we work on the assumption that, oh, you should know already, you should know better. But I think in many marriages we don’t know better, and we don’t know what the other is thinking or feeling.” 

 Ailin reminds us not to assume, but to ask and share instead. Open, honest conversations—when done with patience and kindness—allow couples to work through challenges as a team. 

 Having honest, yet non-confrontational conversations allows a couple to have a better understanding of the root issue, and then effectively find a resolution together.  

 “…both of us were trying to work out a solution and were patient with each other and talked openly about our feelings and what we thought about how we were feeling about the situation.” 

It’s not about proving who’s right, but communicating effectively even in conflict. Challenges come and go, but the trust we build or break within our marriage stays for a long time. 

 When emotional safety is present, couples can express their vulnerabilities and deepen their bond. And a marriage that grows through adversity becomes even more resilient. 

5. Choose the right time, tone, and setting 

 Ailin also emphasises the importance of how and when we communicate.  

“It’s always helpful to be honest about how you are feeling but I think also equally important to know when to raise it. The tone in which we are communicating that and even the time which you choose to talk about that.” 

 Instead of confronting issues in the heat of the moment, she’s found that stepping out for a walk or a coffee helps create a calmer space for deeper conversations. A change in environment, especially if it is one of the stress factor, helps to lessen tension during discussion. 

She also suggests beginning with encouragement or gratitude. A simple “thank you” or “I appreciate you” can soften the atmosphere and prepare hearts for vulnerable sharing. 

Life in a big family can be wonderfully chaotic. But by making small yet intentional choices—saving energy for connection, expressing appreciation daily, and creating space for honest conversations— the flames of love in a marriage can will be kept alive for years to come. 

 In fact, the very effort it takes to stay connected makes the relationship even more precious. 

When couples keep choosing each other through every season, the vows made at the altar don’t just remain a memory. They become a living legacy—one that shapes not only their marriage but the family they’re building together.

What is Healthy Masculinity and How Do We Cultivate It?

Healthy masculinity is about helping our sons embrace positive traits and behaviours that contribute to their own wellbeing and that of society.  

It is not about force-fitting our boys into strict or unhelpful gender stereotypes; rather it is about promoting values and traits such as empathy, respect, emotional intelligence and a sense of responsibility. 

Here are 6 ways we can build such positive character traits in our boys. 

1. Practise open communication

Have regular conversations with your son about his day, feelings, and experiences. This helps build trust and openness. 

Practice active listening whenever he wishes to talk. When we give them our full attention, we are showing them that they are valued and important to us.

2. Foster relationships with positive role models

Point out positive male role models in your community or in the media who demonstrate healthy masculinity. 

Where possible, dads should lead by example. Show your son what healthy masculinity looks like through your actions and behaviour.

3. Encourage emotional expression 

Let your son know that it’s okay to express his feelings. Encourage him to talk about his emotions and listen without judgment. 

We should also normalise that to be human is to experience a range of emotions, sometimes even a few emotions all at once! Share your own feelings and how you deal with them, whether it’s sadness, anger, or frustration over a work situation.

4. Foster empathy and compassion

Help your son understand the importance of empathy. Discuss how our actions can affect others and encourage him to consider other people’s feelings. 

Show compassion in your own actions. Volunteer together or engage in activities that involve helping others, whether it’s befriending a new neighbour who has just moved in, or helping an elderly with groceries. 

5. Instil a sense of responsibility

Talk about the importance of being honest and owning up to mistakes at the dinner table. Encourage your child to take responsibility for his actions. 

Give him chores to take on at home, especially during the holidays. Also, be intentional to share news stories or everyday examples of people who demonstrate responsibility and integrity in their lives.

6. Teach media literacy and discernment

Last but not least, it is great practice as a family to discuss media messages whenever we encounter positive or negative examples of masculinity. Talk about such news or images over mealtimes or when your child is relaxed and ready to engage.  

As parents, we can help our children think critically about what we see on the media, rather than passively consuming ideas or images that are unhealthy or harmful. 

Cultivating healthy masculinity involves encouraging boys to be empathetic, respectful, helpful to others and emotionally expressive. By actively talking about and demonstrating these values in our daily lives, we can help our boys develop into well-rounded individuals who live purposeful and gracious lives in the future.   

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today.