Resource Type: Articles

Marriage Counselling: When to Seek Help and What to Expect

When Sarah and Daniel* finally sat down in their first marriage counselling session, the silence between them was louder than words. They weren’t fighting anymore—not because things had improved, but because they’d both stopped trying. The spark had fizzled, replaced by a quiet detachment. 

Sarah felt like she was doing everything alone. Daniel felt like he couldn’t do anything right. They weren’t sure what they needed, but Sarah thought she wanted out. 

Their story isn’t unique. Many couples wait until they’re at their wits’ end before seeking help. But marriage counselling isn’t just for couples on the brink of divorce. While it can be a lifeline, it probably should be a regular check-up on your marital health, a safe space to reconnect and talk about sensitive issues, and a way to strengthen and future-proof your marriage. 

When should you consider counselling? 

Here are some signs it might be time to talk to someone:

  1. You’re stuck in the same argument loop

It starts with a sock on the floor and ends with someone sleeping on the couch. If you find yourselves rehashing the same fights with no resolution, it might be time to bring in a neutral party. 

  1. You feel more like housemates than soulmates

If your conversations revolve solely around groceries, bills, and who’s picking the kids up from tuition, it could be a sign that you have lost emotional connection to each other.   

  1. You’re navigating a major life change

Whether it’s a new baby, a job loss, or moving in with the in-laws, big transitions can shake even the firmest foundations. 

  1. Trust has been broken

Infidelity, secrecy, or even just a growing emotional distance can erode trust. Rebuilding it takes time—and often, a professional counsellor can offer support and guidance in navigating the hurt, anger and unforgiveness. 

  1. You’ve thought about giving up

If the idea of separation has crossed your mind more than once, it’s worth exploring those feelings in a safe, guided environment.  

How to make counselling work for you 

  1. Be open and honest
    It’s tempting to shove things under the carpet just to avoid conflict and pain, but real change starts with showing up honestly and with authenticity.
  1.  Do away with the blame game
    Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when…” It’s amazing how much tone can shift a conversation.
  1. Stick with it
    Practicing the skills learnt in sessions might feel awkward. That’s okay. Like any new habit, it takes time to feel natural.
  1. Find the right fit
    Not every counsellor will be the right match, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid to try a few until you find someone both of you feel comfortable with.
  1. Celebrate small wins
    Maybe you had a tough conversation without yelling. Or you made each other laugh again. These moments may be small in the grand scheme of things but they matter.

What happens in a counselling session? 

Let’s first debunk a common myth about counselling. Counselling isn’t about sitting in a room while a stranger tells you who’s right and who’s wrong, or what to do next. It’s more like having a coach who can help you both play on the same team again. 

Here’s what you can expect: 

  • A safe space to talk 
    The counsellor is there to listen—without taking sides. They’ll help you both feel heard and understood, even when emotions run high. 
  • Guided conversations 
    You’ll explore what’s really going on beneath the surface. Sometimes, it’s not about the dishes, it’s about feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed. 
  • Practical tools 
    You’ll learn how to communicate better, manage conflict, and rebuild trust. Think of it as relationship rehab—with some new tools in the toolbox to practise loving each other again. 
  • Progress, not perfection 
    Some couples see changes quickly; others take time. The key is showing up, being honest, and doing the work. 

It’s okay to ask for help 

In a culture that often prizes privacy and self-reliance, seeking counselling can feel like admitting defeat. But it’s actually the opposite. It’s saying, “Our marriage matters enough to fight for.” 

Sarah and Daniel? They’re still figuring things out. But now, they’re doing it together—with more grace, more understanding, and yes, even a few laughs along the way. 

So if you’re wondering whether it’s time to seek help, consider this your gentle nudge. You don’t have to wait for a crisis. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do for your marriage is to ask for help before things fall apart. 

If you’re facing challenges in your marriage, and would like to seek help and support, we’re here to walk with you. Book a session today and begin your journey towards positive and lasting relationship change.  

Co-Parenting with Purpose

When a marriage breaks up, many shared hopes and dreams end abruptly as well. Yet for children affected by divorce, the need for love, protection, and guidance from both parents remains unchanged. While your role as a spouse may have concluded, your role as a parent continues. Co-parenting, for the sake of your children’s well-being, is a commitment that deserves ongoing effort.

Putting aside personal pain 

For Ethan*, whose marriage ended just before Covid, the gamut of emotions ran from fear to doubt. However, instead of withdrawing, he focused on staying present for his son. 
 
“What’s best for my son?” was the biggest question on Ethan’s and his wife’s mind as they finalised the divorce. Being able to move pass themselves to thinking about their son helped create a common goal for them to work towards.  
 
Ethan shared that both sides of the family are still on good terms with each other despite the differences that resulted in the divorce. This means that no bad-mouthing gets in the way of the shared goal of creating for a safe environment for their son.  
 
Love for the family can still flourish, “even if the family looks different now”, said Ethan.  
 
This protects your child’s wellbeing since it is difficult for them to listen to criticism about the parents they love. If you speak ill of your ex-spouse, it creates confusion and strife for your child who would struggle to understand why one parent speaks harshly about the other. Your child may also feel like they must choose one or protect another. It can be very stressful and is not something any child should have to attempt.  
 
Even if your ex-spouse has new romantic interests, your role is to “face these moments with maturity and resilience” instead of transferring your opinions and emotions to your child. 
 
Community is also a powerful game-changer. After all, parenting as a married couple can already feel all-consuming – balancing work, home responsibilities and meeting emotional, educational and daily needs of our children. For single parents, doing all this alone can be overwhelming.  
 
Having family members who are willing to share in caregiving or simply be part of your village makes a big difference. The right village not only supports the child but also encourages the adult. Divorce can feel isolating and even shameful but having people who love you and your child brings immense comfort.   

Working out a consistent plan

Children thrive on structure because it creates a consistent routine, helping them feel safe and secure. 

Determining a schedule with your ex-spouse makes allocated time with your child clear for everyone. Sticking to previously agreed upon timings and responsibilities is also important for trust to be built and sustained.  

These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent. 

Adjusting to life with two homes can be challenging for your child, and seeing one parent move out is already a big change. Support them through this transition by clearly communicating clearly which days they’ll spend with Mum and which with Dad.  

While things may look different, practical timetables combined with frequent reminders that they are still as much loved and wanted will provide the emotional stability they need. 

There will be occasions, such as graduations or performances, where both parents should be present to support your child. These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent.   

In day-to-day life, having a schedule also means setting consistent wake-up and bedtime routines, meal times, and homework periods. While it can be challenging to keep these aligned across two separate homes, maintaining a similar pattern does make a difference especially for younger children. 

Having consistent plans provides a sense of stability not just for your children, but also creates a predictable rhythm for you, helping you stay productive and also seek self-care. Activities such as going for counselling, taking up a new hobby, or pursuing new learning endeavours can be helpful to support your personal healing and growth. 

 Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. 

Partnering in communication

Since co-parenting means each parent only has full oversight of your child on the days he or she is with you, communicating well is essential for successful co-parenting.  

While it can be easy to let your child be the “messenger” and communicate to your ex-spouse through them, carrying this role not only can create misunderstandings but put undue stress on the child to be the middleman. 

Meeting emotional needs requires strong communication and commitment from both parents. A child’s emotional development evolves from early childhood through primary school, the tween years and into adolescence. Health issues, behaviour that need correction, funny moments and milestones should ideally be shared knowledge. 

Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. For older kids, they may also learn how to hide certain negative habits or incidents from parents to avoid worrying them or being disciplined.  

Sudden changes in appearance, mood and reluctance to go to school are all red flags that need to be communicated.  

Ethan cited that for him and his ex-wife, being able to communicate well helps them navigate times when there are differing opinions. For example, when they disagreed on their son’s extra-curriculum classes, they reached a compromise by adopting a “give and take” approach. Likewise, when it comes to finances, having clearly defined responsibilities helps reduce stress in co-parenting.  

Though divorce and co-parenting may have never crossed your mind before it happened, it is still possible to co-parent well. Doing so will help in creating a safe place for your children to thrive.   

“Interestingly, you’d think that after a divorce, things become more complicated. But when both parents truly put the child first, it can actually become simpler — not easy, but simpler. It’s about communicating better, understanding that our son is growing up in two different environments, and learning to be adaptable and patient with that,” shared Ethan.  

* The interviewee’s name has been changed for privacy 

Why Should I Nourish and Support My Spouse?

Amidst work deadlines, parenting duties, and household chores, it’s easy to overlook one of the most important relationships in our lives: our marriage.  

While we may assume that love will naturally sustain itself, the truth is that love, like any living thing, needs nourishment. When something is consistently nourished, its needs are met, and growth ensues. Conversely, when we fail to nourish our marriage, its growth may be stunted, and resentment and conflict may set in. 

One powerful way to keep your marriage thriving is by intentionally supporting and investing in your spouse, or what some relationship experts call “keeping your love bank in the green.” 

What is the emotional love bank? 

The concept of the “love bank” was popularised by Dr. Willard Harley, a marriage counselor and author of His Needs, Her Needs. He likens emotional connection in marriage to a bank account. Every kind word, thoughtful gesture, or act of service is a deposit. Every harsh word, neglectful action, or broken promise is a withdrawal. When the balance is high, couples feel close, secure, and loved. When it’s low—or worse, overdrawn—resentment, conflict, and emotional distance can creep in. 

So why should you nourish and support your spouse? Because every deposit you make strengthens the foundation of your relationship and builds emotional resilience for the challenges that may come your way. 

1. Support builds trust and safety 

When you consistently show up for your spouse—whether it’s listening without judgment, helping them through a tough day, or simply being present—you’re sending a powerful message: “You matter to me.”  

This kind of emotional support fosters trust and safety, which are essential for vulnerability and intimacy.

In a world that often feels unpredictable, your marriage can be a safe harbour. But that only happens when both partners feel seen, heard, and supported. Nourishing your spouse emotionally is like reinforcing the walls of that harbour, which helps keep the storms out and the warmth in. 

2. It strengthens your partnership 

Marriage is a team sport. When one partner is struggling—be it with work stress, health issues, or parenting challenges—the other can step in to offer strength and encouragement. This mutual support creates a sense of “we’re in this together,” which is vital for long-term success. 

Think of it like a relay race. If one runner stumbles, the other doesn’t just keep running—they turn back, help them up, and finish the race together. That’s what nourishing your spouse looks like: being attuned to their needs and offering help or support, even when it’s inconvenient or costly. 

3. It models healthy love for your children 

If you’re a parent, your marriage is your child’s first and most influential model of love. When children see their parents supporting each other—speaking kindly, resolving conflicts respectfully, and showing affection—they internalise those patterns. They learn that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a daily choice to care, serve, and uplift. 

On the flip side, when children witness constant tension, criticism, or emotional neglect, they may grow up with distorted views of relationships.  

By nourishing your spouse, you’re not just investing in your marriage—you’re shaping the emotional legacy of your family. 

4. It keeps romance alive 

Romance isn’t just about candlelit dinners or surprise getaways. It’s built in the small, everyday moments: a warm hug after a long day, a thoughtful text, a cup of coffee made just the way they like it. These gestures may seem trivial, but they’re powerful deposits into your spouse’s love bank.   

When you support and affirm your spouse, you create an environment where romance can flourish. Emotional intimacy fuels physical intimacy, and both are essential for a vibrant, lasting connection. 

5. It prevents emotional drift 

Most couples typically don’t break apart because of one big issue; they drift apart slowly over time. The culprit? Neglect. When spouses stop investing in each other, the emotional distance grows. Conversations become transactional. Affection fades. Resentment builds. 

But this drift is preventable. By making regular deposits into your spouse’s love bank—through a word of encouragement, or a hug at the end of a hard day—you keep the emotional connection alive.   

Practical ways to nourish your spouse 

Here are a few simple but powerful ways to keep your love bank in the green: 

  • Speak their love language. Whether it’s words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch—learn what makes your spouse feel loved and do it often. 
  • Be curious. Ask about their day, their dreams, their worries. Show genuine interest in their inner world. 
  • Encourage them. Acknowledge their efforts, achievements, and growth. If your spouse is considering pursuing a new opportunity, do your best to encourage them and show support for their interests.  
  • Be generous with grace. Forgive quickly, assume the best, and let go of petty grievances. 

Marriage isn’t a one-time commitment—it’s a daily investment. By nourishing and supporting your spouse, you’re building a legacy of love, trust, and partnership that can weather any storm. 

So ask yourself today: What deposit can I make into my spouse’s love bank? A kind word? A listening ear? A helping hand? Whatever it is, do it with intention. Because love grows when it is nurtured. 

How Therapy Helps Adults with High-Functioning Anxiety

Adeline is a 35-year-old working mum of two. She’s known among her friends as the “go-to” person — dependable, efficient, always on top of things. At work, she’s praised for her attention to detail and her ability to juggle multiple projects. But what people don’t see is the toll it takes. 

Every night, Adeline lies awake replaying conversations, worrying if she said the wrong thing. She feels guilty for not spending enough time with her kids, anxious about missing deadlines, and constantly fears she’s not doing enough — even when she’s exhausted. 

She didn’t think she needed therapy. “I’m functioning, right?” she told herself. But the emotional strain was building. Eventually, she reached out for help and is currently on the journey to a stronger, more resilient self. 

High-functioning anxiety can be tricky to spot — even by those who live with it. You might look calm, capable, and successful on the outside, but inside, it’s a different story: constant worry, a relentless drive for perfection, and a deep fear of letting others down. 

Even among youths in Singapore, it was found that more than a quarter experienced severe or extremely severe anxiety symptoms. The prevalence was higher among females (28.9%) than males (25%) and peaked in the 20-24 age group (34.1%). This is according to the National Youth Mental Health Study (NYMHS).  

The good news is, anxiety can be treated. You’re not alone — and you don’t have to keep pushing through in silence. 

Common signs of anxiety 

Here are some common signs of high-functioning anxiety that often go unnoticed: 

  • Your mind is always racing, even when you’re trying to rest 
  • You find it hard to relax or get a good night’s sleep 
  • You worry about disappointing others — even over small things 
  • You feel a constant pressure to prove your worth 
  • You have a high need for control, which may result in excessive workload and stress 
  • You are constantly busy and tired  

If any of these sound familiar, it might be time to take a pause and check in with yourself. 

The cost of anxiety  

Without support, high-functioning anxiety can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and even physical health issues related to the gastrointestinal tract due to the gut-brain-axis. It is also extremely common for people to delay seeking help because they feel they “should” be able to handle things on their own, until of course, they can’t. 

You might find yourself saying, “I just need to push through and I’ll be fine,” but over time, putting such consistently high pressure on yourself can take a toll on your sense of well-being and erode any supportive self-care practices previously present.  

When anxiety is left unaddressed, it doesn’t simply fade away. Instead, it can quietly erode your emotional and physical well-being. You might notice: 

  • Burnout: Constant busyness and mental strain can lead to exhaustion, irritability, and a sense of emotional numbness. 
  • Strained relationships: The need to control or over-function can create tension with loved ones, especially when you feel unsupported or misunderstood. 
  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, digestive issues, and chronic fatigue are common when anxiety is stored in the body. 
  • Loss of joy: Even moments meant for rest or celebration can feel heavy, as your mind struggles to switch off. 

How therapy can help 

Therapy isn’t just for when things fall apart; it’s actually a proactive step toward emotional wellness. Counselling can provide you with a safe, non-judgmental space to unpack your thoughts and feelings, and to understand the patterns that keep you stuck. 

Approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and mindfulness-based grounding techniques can help you: 

  • Identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns 
  • Build emotional resilience and self-compassion 
  • Learn practical tools to manage stress and anxiety 
  • Set boundaries that protect your time and energy 

Therapy can be a game-changer when it comes to high-functioning anxiety — not because it fixes everything overnight, but because it helps you feel more resourced, more grounded, and more like yourself. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore explains:

“People with high-functioning anxiety often feel like they’re holding everything together — but inside, they’re running on empty. Therapy helps them slow down, tune into their emotions, and learn healthier ways to cope and thrive. It’s not about changing who they are, but helping them feel safe enough to be themselves, how it is okay to have needs, and to care for their needs with compassion.” 

Affordable counselling and what to expect 

At Focus on the Family Singapore, we believe mental health support should be accessible to all. That’s why we offer trusted and affordable counselling, with no hidden charges or GST. 

You can choose from: 

  • Intern counsellors: Reduced-rate sessions under close supervision 
  • Senior counsellors or psychologists: For more complex or long-standing issues 

At the first counselling session, we would typically cover these areas:  

  • You’ll be asked about your current challenges and goals 
  • You’ll discover your strengths and assets with your counsellor 
  • Collaboratively, we will work out the milestones and goals for your recovery journey 

Whether you’re just starting out or need deeper support, we’re here to walk with you. You don’t have to keep carrying the weight alone. Book a session today and begin your journey toward calm, clarity, and a healthier you. 

Healthy Vulnerability in Marriage

What is the key ingredient for a strong marriage? Some may say a strong marriage is one with vulnerability. After all, the strength of the marriage bond rests on intimacy, and being able to be open and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings is an important part of that. However, I would take it one step further and say that what truly builds a lasting marriage is healthy vulnerability.

In my experience, both in my marriage and through observing others, I have seen how vulnerability can be mishandled, deepening the wounds and distance between two spouses. Yet, when practised with wisdom and care, vulnerability can transform marriages through deep, healthy, and authentic connection. The following are lessons I’ve learned that have helped me cultivate healthy vulnerability built on trust and grace.

1. Treasure deep and honest moments

Vulnerability can be daunting, not only for the person baring their soul, but also for the listener. There are days when we feel too exhausted from work and parenting to listen well. On other days, it is hard to connect because the subject is about how we could have done better. 

Listening attentively can be emotionally taxing, yet being present is one of the best acts of love we can give to our loved ones. What has helped me is to realise that it is often a privilege to hear about my wife’s feelings, fears, and feedback. As her husband, I am in the unique position of being the person she can confide in most deeply. 

Over time, I have learnt the power of saying, “Thank you for telling me that” after each hard conversation. Each exchange reveals something I would otherwise might never have known about her or us. This gives her the courage to be herself, and gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. 

Of course, not every heartfelt conversation is a difficult one, and when my wife shares her deeper thoughts on other subjects, I take it as an opportunity to discover more of who she is.

2. Make room for both hearts to be heard

It may be easier to advocate for vulnerability in principle, but far more challenging to live it out. Just as marriage requires both spouses to be engaged in continual give-and-take in areas like daily habits, parenting responsibilities, or career, the same goes for the sharing of each other’s hearts.

It can be draining when one party is constantly giving emotional energy through offering their presence and listening ear without receiving the same openness in return. It is a good practice to be mindful of how much “air time” we’ve taken, and invite our spouse a chance to share what’s on their mind. Even if they usually decline – as many introverts do at the end of a long day – they will still appreciate having the freedom of choosing whether to open up, or rest and decompress.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care.

On that note, vulnerability is expressed not just through our words, but also through our silence. It is just as important for a spouse to be allowed silence as it is to allow speech! As an introvert myself, I am always appreciative of the times my wife gives me the space to unwind alone, even if she might have something to share. These acts of grace help me to recharge and return more present – as a husband and a father.

3. Speak and hear the truth with love

Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care. A key ethic in moments of vulnerability is to speak the truth in love. Being honest with our negative feelings, especially if they are towards our spouse or their significant relationships (such as in-laws), does not entitle us to brutal honesty and personal attacks.

When sharing pain arising from marriage, focus on articulating feelings and specific behaviours, and avoid making sweeping statements. For example, “When you look at your phone during our conversations, I feel ignored,” opens the door to understanding far better than, “You are always ignoring me when I try to talk to you – You don’t love me enough!” While the latter may feel truer in the moment, it tends to amplify the negative and raise defensiveness in both partners. It is also important to maintain our spouse’s dignity and ensure such conversations are held in private, unless there is an agreement to involve a trusted third party like a counsellor.

Give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.

Listeners can also apply appropriate ethics, such as withholding judgment, resisting defensiveness, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Trust that your spouse means well and that he or she is intending to be open and honest with you.

Remember also to continually check your expectations of your spouse. It takes humility to accept that certain expectations are shaped more by culture and society more than by genuine needs, such as the assumption of gender roles in the home. Hence, give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.

Hard won tears

One of the pivotal moments in our marriage was when I tearfully shared my struggles during a challenging season of my career. That day, others may have silently judged, but my wife embraced, comforted, and assured me. Despite the uncertainty and challenges lying ahead of us, we forged a way forward in full support of one another. 

I share this story to affirm vulnerability in marriage, lest readers think I am discouraging it through the points made. That day, I was at my most vulnerable with my wife, and it became a precious moment built upon years of mutual giving, acceptance, grace, and forgiveness. Though we took a less conventional path career wise in the years that followed, those years were filled with greater joy as we were freer to live more authentically than before.

My encouragement to every couple is to strive for a healthy vulnerability in your marriage. You might just be surprised by the depth of connection, freedom, and richness that follows when love and honesty go hand in hand.

Re-writing the Parenting Script

At a Glance:

The way parents speak to their children is often shaped by how they were parented. This article explores how inherited communication patterns can harm or heal, and offers practical ways to rewrite our parenting scripts to nurture emotionally secure children.”

Before we dive into a discussion on how to rewrite the parenting script, there’s something we need to think through. As with any script, we need to first understand what the original version was and how it came about.  

In the case of parenting scripts, we first need to know how it was like for our parents when they were kids being raised by their parents. Because, as it’s often said and experienced, many of us parent the way we ourselves were parented! 

Parenting in the past 

In modern times, parenting tips are bandied around a lot. In fact, every parent today can get spot-on help in real time with a simple click of a computer mouse, a flick of their finger as they scroll through their social media feeds, or by calling upon Gemini, Siri, ChatGPT or any number of AI-enabled software. Not forgetting of course consulting other humans – friends, colleagues and so on. 

But in the old days, parenting wasn’t seen as a skill to be honed or tips to be learned. Nor were parenting articles and books relentlessly occupying newspaper and magazine columns, or lining shelf after shelf in bookstores and libraries like they are now. (Don’t even get me started on today’s digital spaces, where mummy blogs and daddy podcasts are all the rage!) 

Parenting in the old days was just something that was done. Period. No pregnant (pun fully intended) pauses. Or moments for contemplation. Or workshops to attend on how to raise great kids. People simply went about their daily lives looking after the little ones the way they saw fit, or how they saw their neighbours do it.  

Not only that, but parenting was something done not just by a father and a mother. It often involved a community – extended family, distant relatives, neighbours and even fellow villagers or town folks within a radius of 500 metres regularly chipped in to look after and watch over one another’s kids. 

That often means the oldest person in any given space is typically the one seen as the sage on the stage. The one that calls the shots, so to speak, as to how to raise kids. Which unfortunately, can be a double-edged sword, if you acknowledge the existence of what psychologists term adverse childhood experiences (ACE).  

Adverse childhood experiences 

These refer to traumatic events people undergo in their childhood, such as emotional neglect, abuse, parental death or separation, just to name a few. 

The impact of such events, which usually happen in the first 18 years of life, continues in direct and indirect ways across a person’s lifespan, and leads to higher costs of healthcare and productivity losses at work. 

According to the Singapore Mental Health Study by the Institute of Mental Health and KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital that was released in June 2024, the economic and social costs of ACE can amount to some $1.18 billion a year in absenteeism, reduced productivity and use of healthcare resources in our country. 

In an earlier part of the study that began in 2016, it was found that two out of three grown-ups here have ACE. It would be no surprise if some of these ACE were “bestowed” upon them by the elders and adults in their lives while growing up, beginning with spoken words that wound. 

Being “dis-ed” from young 

The unavoidable truth of life is that elders often hold sway and authority in every culture. What they say often gets transmitted (or worse, committed) to their children’s and grandchildren’s (listening) muscle memory.  

Especially stuff that sounds “dis”, or dismissive and disrespectful. 

Stuff like, “Shhh…kids should be seen, not heard”.
“Do as you’re told!”
“Stop being a cry-baby.” “You’re a good-for-nothing!”  

Growing up, our ancestors, parents and ourselves have all heard versions of these before, and many more such curt one-liners. Even now, we still hear them. And if we’re being honest, we’re also the ones who often say them!  

These hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

The reason is simple: Muscle memory kicks in, especially when time is tight and tempers are taut. So when we adults want a quick fix, these one-liners often do the trick of helping us parents and grandparents grab attention, maintain order and wrangle obeisance from our kids.  

Even if for a few minutes.  

However, these hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

Far worse is the very real possibility that kids grow up not loving and believing in themselves, but needing constant reassurance that they have intrinsic worth and are more than enough. 

Let’s rewrite the parenting script! 

While it might be too late for the sage elderlies in our midst to change their set ways, there is still plenty of opportunity for the current generation of parents to rewrite the script.  

For instance, instead of shushing a child who wants to be heard, gently guide the child on when is an appropriate moment to speak, especially if, say, you’re hosting many guests but your child needs your attention.  

Take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset. 

Instead of saying “Do as you’re told”, why not ask the child how he or she would like to do whatever is the pressing task at hand. Turn it into a teachable moment on how to negotiate, which is a prized soft skill in any human setting. 

“You’re a good-for-nothing” is often said in a heated moment (and for the most part, does not represent how the parent truly feels about his or her child). Instead, take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset to the point of saying something so harsh. 

Granted, these will require from parents a lot more patience and practice than the knee-jerk one-liners hastily blurted out in so many an unfortunate parent-child moment. And for sure, most of us will not succeed right away to rewrite the parenting script handed down to us. 

Still, we shouldn’t give up but persevere. 

For surely the last thing anyone wants is to raise up a generation where, instead of two, now three out of three adults have ACE! 

Right? 

How to Teach a Child about Privacy

Teaching children about privacy starts with helping them understand what information is meant to be shared, and what should be kept personal. By using simple, age‑appropriate language and everyday examples, parents can guide their children to recognise boundaries, respect others’ space, and stay safe both offline and online. These early conversations build the foundation for digital awareness and healthy relationships as they grow.

While in a tech-driven world this mostly relates to data privacy online, the concept also extends to teaching them that parts of our body are private and are not meant for sharing. 

Preschool years (4-6) 

Every part of our body serves a function, and our private body parts (areas covered by swimsuits) are special and important. We can help our children understand that these parts are not meant to be seen or touched by others. 

Practise naming these private parts using the correct terms (e.g. use “breasts” instead of “boobs”, “penis” instead of “wee wee”) to help them build factual understanding. Shower times are good opportunities to point out these areas in a casual yet educational way. 

Avoid exposing children’s private parts in public no matter how desperate a situation might be. For example, when in public, children should always change out their clothes in a private cubicle such as a bathroom.  

Avoid oversharing children’s photos, particularly revealing ones, on our own social media accounts. This will reduce their digital footprint and prevent their images from falling into the hands of malicious actors, who can create harmful deepfake nudes with the help of AI tools.  

Role-play possible scenarios to teach children refusal skills in an engaging and fun manner: If they are asked by someone to show their private parts, they should respond with a firm ‘no’, walk away immediately, and tell a trusted adult. It would be additionally helpful for them to know a few trusted adults they can turn to, apart from Daddy and Mummy. 


Teach children to respect others’ privacy just as they would want others to respect theirs. 

Primary years (7-12) 

Use everyday opportunities to explain how the concept of privacy comes up in various settings: when using public bathrooms, in close proximity with someone else’s device screen, or handling personal info such as passwords, school, email and home addresses. 

In each scenario, teach children to respect others’ privacy just as they would want others to respect theirs. For example, they should not peer into someone else’s device screen because the content may not be safe for them (pornography, violence, confidential data, etc.), nor should they divulge sensitive, personal info to others verbally because it puts them at risk of identity thefts or scams. 

If handing your children a smartphone is inevitable, ensure that parental controls are in place to support their online safety. Let them know that their devices may be monitored to help guide their privacy decisions until they’re ready to manage them independently. Some helpful parental control apps include Google Family Link and Qustodio, although they cannot replace the central role that parents play in helping children develop necessary skills around their privacy. 

The general minimum age for social media accounts is 13 years old to protect children’s privacy, although in reality, children younger than 13 still own accounts. If this is something your child is keen to explore, why not co-own an account with him to model and advocate for constructive and purposeful use of social media? Use this opportunity to impart critical thinking and decision-making skills as the parent taking the lead in choosing what, when, and how much to share online.  

Remind children in this age group that they should not be chatting with strangers online as they are too young to discern when they are being groomed. Instead, make time to connect with them regularly so they will be less tempted to overshare info with a stranger online. 

Our role should be to teach them how to think critically about their privacy decisions, rather than what to think. 

Teenage years (13-16)   

Teenagers are likely to spend more time online and need the consistency of a values-based decision-making framework to help them discern how to safeguard their privacy across different settings.  

Parents should assess teens’ needs and maturity before determining how much and the type of supervision needed to support them in making wise choices, and focus on building a strong relationship with them while being transparent in communication. Our role should be to teach them how to think critically about their privacy decisions, rather than what to think. 

Rehearse digital literacy often as a family – before posting something online, engage your teen to brainstorm with you on its purpose, constructiveness, reliability, and privacy concerns. Ask for thoughts about what responsibility looks like online (e.g. avoid posting photos that reveal anyone’s personal info, post only truthful and constructive content). Normalise a “thinking pause” before responding to or posting anything online. 

Try this with your teen: Google your name, or a combination of your name with other identifying data such as school, workplace, or hobbies, to find out your digital footprint. Debrief by asking questions like, “Were there any surprises? Would this change the way you manage your data online from now? Why and how?” 

Draw your teen’s attention to the type of ads and content that show up on your social media or YouTube feed. It is likely that the powerful, data-driven algorithm would have shown you something related to what you had in your thoughts or mentioned in passing. Is this persuasive design “cool”, or concerning, and why? What does this reveal about our privacy?   

Most of all, teach and show teens how they can lead fulfilling lives offline – it is crucial for them to know that their online life is but a fraction of their whole life, and that we as parents are always here for them. If they do experience consequences of a privacy breach online, they would hopefully have the resilience to know that it isn’t the end of their world; they have a safe space with us, life is still very much worth living for, and we can turn crisis into learning opportunities to help us become better navigators of online privacy concerns.   

How Understanding Conflict Styles Can Strengthen Your Marriage

At a Glance

  • Conflict is inevitable and can build connection.
  • Couples tend to adopt avoidant or head‑on conflict styles.
  • Understanding each other’s style reduces resentment and strengthens emotional intimacy.

Growing up, I had always thought that the goal in marriage was not to have any conflict. Wouldn’t it signify that both husband and wife are so in sync with and perfect for each other? Only after attending marriage preparation workshops and learning from wise mentors (and getting married myself) did I realise that conflict is inevitable, necessary and productive.  

Whether it is about finances, parenting, or simply who does the dishes, disagreements are part of sharing life with another person. We are bound to step on each other’s toes with our differing personalities, mannerisms and perspectives. What matters most however, is how we manage conflict.  

As Dr Greg Smalley says in his book, Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage, arguments if handled right “have the potential to create greater understanding, trust and connection.”  

The avoidant style: Peace at a price 

Someone who adopts an avoidant style will tend to sidestep conflict altogether. They may downplay disagreements, change the subject, or simply stay silent to keep the peace. They may have witnessed unhealthy communication patterns or explosive conflicts between their parents growing up and learnt it might be better not to rock the boat.  

At first glance, this style can seem mature—after all, isn’t it wise to “pick your battles”? Over time however, unresolved issues can pile up like dust under a rug. What’s left unsaid doesn’t disappear; it often resurfaces in subtle ways. The spouse may start to feel unseen or unheard, distance themselves, or even have resentment towards their spouse.  

I am peace-loving by nature, and the thought of conflict makes me uncomfortable. When I first got married and felt upset with my husband about something, I would just give him the silent treatment and cold shoulder. I wasn’t keen on confronting him about any issues; I simply hid my feelings while silently hoping that he would get the hint about my unhappiness.  

Over time, I realised that my husband can’t read my mind. So as uncomfortable as it was for me, I began sharing my honest thoughts with him—slowly and tentatively. I would even rehearse what I wanted to say in my head multiple times before finally finding the courage to voice it out! I was afraid that he would get upset or defensive and I wouldn’t know how to respond. 

The head-on style: Facing conflict with force 

On the other hand, some people prefer to tackle conflict directly—and sometimes forcefully. They value honesty and clarity, and believe that hashing things out is the best way to move forward. They have a desire to resolve issues quickly instead of letting them linger.  

However, when emotions run high, the spouse may start to yell, blame or become sarcastic, leading to the other feeling attacked. Oftentimes in the heat of the moment, hurtful words can also be said. 

My husband and I recently welcomed a baby boy into our lives, and this new responsibility brought much joy but also frustration and tiredness. With both my husband and I being conflict-avoidant, it caught me by surprise when we started snapping at each other.  

I found myself becoming sarcastic in my responses and using absolutes like “you never” and “you always”. I discovered that we might lean towards one conflict management style, but also display another style under certain circumstances.  

Disagreements can help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s preferences, pain points and needs, if we seek to truly listen and talk things out. 

The collaborative style: Conflict as a path to connection 

Ultimately, instead of going head-on or avoiding conflict altogether, the best approach would be to collaborate. When we work together as a team to tackle a problem, we are viewing the issue as the enemy, not each other.  

By adopting this approach, we recognise that conflict is not a threat, but an opportunity for growth. Disagreements can help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s preferences, pain points and needs, if we seek to truly listen and talk things out.  

Several months after giving birth, we were about to host a few friends at our house. I was tired and struggling to manage my baby’s needs, but my husband insisted on going out to buy some fruits and drinks before they arrived. I felt upset and questioned why he would leave me alone when I needed his help.  

It was only after asking him about the incident later on did I realise that he highly values being able to provide a warm and homely experience for our guests. I shared that I felt sad he didn’t seem to recognise my need for his support. From then on, we became better at planning and preparing in advance so that our guests would feel welcomed, without compromising on caring for our baby together.  

When conflicts arise 

When a disagreement occurs, take a short timeout if emotions are high and resolve not to assume the worst about each other during that pause. Once you’re both ready, take turns to honestly share your perspectives  using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. This is something that I learnt early on and it has made a world of difference!  

Listen attentively to one another without interrupting, shutting each other down, or becoming defensive. Commit to focusing on one issue at a time, and resist the urge to bring up past grievances. Aim to uncover the real reasons behind the conflict. Questions like, “When this happened, how did it make you feel deep down?” and “What would you like me to do in moments like these?” can help reveal each other’s deepest needs and desires. 

Our marriage thrives not because we avoid conflict, but because we choose to tackle issues together as a team. 

Finally, work together to find a viable solution. After figuring out what matters to both of you, look for common ground. For example, if one spouse is stricter whereas the other is more lenient, you can agree on consistent rules and consequences, and commit to backing each other up in front of your children.  

Our marriage thrives not because we avoid conflict, but because we choose to tackle issues together as a team. When handled with care, disagreements can deepen our connection and strengthen our understanding of each other.  

Whether you are engaged or seriously considering marriage, the Connect2 Marriage Preparation Workshop helps you build a strong foundation through honest conversations, practical tools and guided discussions. You will learn essential communication and conflict resolution skills to navigate disagreements in a healthy and constructive way. Find out more here! 

Playing Together: The Power of Fun in Marriage

Marriage is a journey filled with highs and lows, responsibilities and routines. Amidst the demands of work, parenting, and daily life, couples can easily slip into a rhythm of functionality—where conversations revolve around logistics and connection takes a backseat.  

But what if having fun together was one of the simplest ways to nurture intimacy and joy in marriage? 

Fun as connection 

Fun isn’t just for weekends or vacations—it’s a vital ingredient in a thriving relationship. Engaging in playful activities, shared hobbies, or spontaneous adventures helps couples reconnect emotionally. Strong marriages are built on intentional connection, and fun is one of the most natural ways to foster that. 

When couples make time to enjoy each other’s company outside of family responsibilities, they rediscover the friendship at the heart of their relationship. Whether it’s whipping up a new dish in the kitchen, playing board games, or going on a spontaneous date, these moments of light-heartedness remind couples why they fell in love in the first place. 

Fun as discovery 

Playfulness in marriage isn’t about being childish—it’s about being emotionally open and safe enough to let your guard down. This sense of playfulness creates a home environment where joy can be felt and stress becomes less overwhelming. 

Couples like Edmund and Isabel, in their mid-30s, emphasise the importance of taking time off their usual routines to check out a new café or to visit an interesting exhibition. Despite their busy schedules and parenting responsibilities, they try to visit a new place once every two months, to ensure they take time to discover each other afresh.  

This routine allows them to approach challenges with unity and creativity. Fun becomes a way to reinforce their marital bond, especially during seasons of stress or conflict. 

Fun as a stress reliever 

Life can be overwhelming, and marriage often bears the brunt of that pressure. But did you know that fun is a natural stress reliever? Engaging in enjoyable activities, be it exercise or reading a book together at a café, releases endorphins, lowers cortisol levels, and fosters emotional resilience. It’s not just about escaping problems—it’s about building the strength to face them together. 

I recall when my three kids were all under the age of seven, things at home sometimes got so chaotic and overwhelming that losing my cool was almost a daily affair. Thankfully, with my mother around to help on some evenings, my husband and I would just head out after dinner to take a walk around the neighbourhood. Walking and talking may seem such a simple act, but I daresay it strengthened my sense of wellbeing and also kept our connection strong as a couple. 

Even when parenting and work demands threaten to tear you apart, making time to enjoy each other, and to enjoy life together can help keep your marriage (and sanity) in check. 

Creating a positive family atmosphere 

The benefits of fun in marriage extend beyond the couple—it shapes the entire family culture. Children thrive in homes where joy is present and parents model emotional connection.  

When parents laugh, play, and enjoy each other’s company, they create a sense of security and warmth.  

This atmosphere teaches children that relationships are not just about duty, but also delight. It also equips them with emotional tools to build healthy relationships of their own. 

Sometimes, tension builds in marriage and communication stalls. In such moments, fun can be a gentle way to break the ice.  

I recall when I was upset over something my husband said. I gave him the cold shoulder all the way from the gathering till we reached home. When I was fuming in the bedroom, he sent one child in to say “Papa says he’s sorry, please forgive him.” I could not remain angry after receiving the new from the little messenger!   

Fun doesn’t replace serious conversations—it makes them more accessible. It reminds us couples that we are not fighting each other, but together, we can fight life’s challenges in a much better way. 

Practical ways to have fun in your marriage 

If fun feels elusive, here are a few simple ways to bring it back: 

  1. Plan regular date nights: Whether it’s a nice dinner or a walk in the park, make time to enjoy each other. 
  2. Try something new together: Take a cooking class, go hiking, or explore a new hobby. 
  3. Be spontaneous: Surprise your spouse with a small gift, a funny note, or an impromptu outing. 
  4. Play together: Board games, sports, or even video games can be great ways to bond. 
  5. Celebrate the everyday: Turn mundane tasks into moments of connection—cook together, dance while cleaning, or share a silly story from work. 

Fun is the secret ingredient that helps keep love alive, builds emotional intimacy, and creates a home filled with warmth and joy. No marriage is perfect—but with the right mindset and habits, and a regular dose of fun, every couple can thrive. 

How Do I Talk to My Child About Boy-Girl Relationships?

Talking to our children about relationships isn’t going to be a one-time event — we can start building opportunities for a series of age-appropriate, ongoing conversations built on trust and openness.

Whether they are just starting to notice the opposite gender, navigating crushes, or exploring serious relationships, here’s how you can walk with them through this journey — without being overly “nosy” or out of touch.  

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged.

General principles to keep in mind

Principle 1: Connection before correction

Many of us grew up in households where relationships were either taboo or joked about (“Eh, got boyfriend or not?”). But a real conversation starts with building trust — not waiting until your child has someone to “confess” about.

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged. That starts with small, daily conversations, not only serious “talks.”

Be curious about their world. Don’t dismiss their feelings — even if a crush seems trivial to you, it may mean the world to them.

I remember a mum friend who shared with me how her son, a Secondary 1 boy, once casually said, “I think I like someone in class.” Her first instinct was to panic and lecture him on ‘not now, you must focus on your studies!’ Instead, she paused, breathed, and simply asked, “Tell me more.” That small moment opened a door to conversation. And months later, he came to her again — when his ‘almost-relationship’ fizzled and he felt lost.

Principle 2: Focus on character, not control

It’s important to go beyond setting rules like “no dating until you’re older.”

Ask introspective questions and have discussions that help your child grow into someone who knows how to respect and be respected in any relationship:

  • “What do you look for in a friend or partner?”
  • “What does kindness or respect look like in a relationship?”
  • “How do you want to be treated — and how will you treat others?”

Focus on what makes a relationship respectful, healthy, and grounded in shared values. These are lessons they will carry into adulthood.

What would you do if your 13-year-old daughter came home saying two classmates were “together”?

Rather than brush it off, you could gently ask: “What do you think it means when people say they’re dating at this age?” and use that opportunity to open the door to a reflective, age-appropriate conversation on emotional maturity and friendship boundaries.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

Principle 3: Keep the conversation going

Use real life opportunities to talk. Books, movies, songs, newspaper stories or even situations involving peers can be natural entry points for meaningful discussion, especially when children are less open to direct questioning.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

When they reach their mid-teens or older, we need to change our approach. Typically, as they inch nearer to adulthood, they won’t need our “recommendations” or “reservations” as much as they need us to be available and patient in our listening.

In these times, we can afford to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Remember that our children are making choices and maturing in their decision making, especially emotionally and relationally. We can show up with our presence and availability when they need our advice or support.

I recall a mother friend sharing that her daughter, in her third year of polytechnic, broke off a relationship before a major project. Instead of questioning the timing, she listened, affirmed her daughter’s decision to prioritise her well-being, and reminded her that relationships should support — not undermine — her goals.

Age-Specific Guidance

Tween years (10–12)

Curiousity & crushes

What’s happening:

They are beginning to notice the opposite gender. Crushes, teasing, and curiosity are common, especially as puberty kicks in.

What to say and do:

  • Normalise, don’t dramatise. Say things like: “It’s totally okay to like someone — it’s part of growing up.”
  • Clarify boundaries. Help them understand what respectful friendships look like and talk about consent in age-appropriate ways.
  • Discuss respectful behaviour. “If someone teases you about liking someone, what can you do?”
  • Discuss media messages. Many tweens get their ideas about love and romance from Netflix, YouTube or TikTok. Use those moments to ask: “Do you think that’s what real relationships are like?”
  • Keep the door open. Assure them: “You can always come to me if you feel unsure or have questions.”

Teen years (13–15): Exploring first relationships

What’s happening:

Real emotions, romantic feelings, and possibly first relationships begin. Peer pressure and insecurity may grow.

What to say and do:

  • Talk about emotional readiness. Not every teen is ready for a relationship. Ask reflective questions like: “What do you think makes a relationship healthy?”, “Do your friends talk about dating? What do you think about it?”
  • Discuss respect and boundaries. Use clear examples: “If someone pressures you to do something you’re not comfortable with, that’s not love.”
  • Acknowledge feelings. Don’t downplay heartbreak or infatuation. Instead say: “I remember liking someone at that age too — it felt so intense!”
  • Set your family values. Share your beliefs honestly but respectfully. Instead of commanding, try: “In our family, we believe relationships should be built on trust and respect.”

Encourage self-respect. “You don’t have to be in a relationship to be valued. What do you like about yourself?”

Emerging Years (16–19): Developing mature relationships

What’s happening:

By this stage, your child may begin experiencing more serious relationships. Many are also navigating identity, independence, and the tension between wanting emotional closeness and fulfilling academic or life responsibilities.

What they need from you:

  • Respect for their growing autonomy.
  • Candid conversations about intimacy, emotional safety, and long-term thinking.
  • Assurance that they can always come to you — especially when things go wrong.

What to say and do:

  • Shift from control to coaching. Your tone matters. Be less directive and more guiding. Ask: “What are you learning about yourself through this relationship?”
  • Talk about values and goals. Encourage them to think long-term: “Does this relationship help you grow?” or “Does it align with your beliefs or who you want to become?”
  • Discuss physical boundaries honestly. If your values include abstinence for example, state them respectfully and explain your reasons.

Be a sounding board, not a judge. If they make mistakes or get hurt, respond with compassion, not lectures.