Resource Type: Articles

5 Essential Tips for Dads Preparing for Parenthood

So you’re going to be a dad soon? Congratulations!!  

Wait, what’s that? You don’t know the first thing about being a dad? No sweat. I’m here to help. After all, I’ve been a father for 15 years now, the last six as a mostly stay-at-home dad. So I’m pretty sure I know a thing or two about parenting.  

Let me introduce you to some important survival tips you won’t get in most listicles about good parenting.  

But be warned. These ‘life-hacks’ I’m sharing might not be what you expect. And they might even make you shift uneasily in your seat.  

Ready? 

Let’s go! 

Tip #1 – Accept that you will never be fully prepared

Here’s the thing. There are truckloads of parenting guidebooks out there. Not to mention a universe of online materials to help all new and bewildered parents or parents-to-be. Everyone will purport to give you full-proof tips and suggestions on how to be the best parent you can be.

But before you go wading into that ocean of information, know this truth: none can tell YOU how best to parent YOUR child. 

Why is that? Simple. Every human being is unique. 

If you agree with that oft-touted statement that we’re all unique, then what makes you think a how-to book or parenting manual is going to tell you ALL you need to succeed as a parent? 

The reality is that you will never be fully prepared.  

Of course, there will be days you can look back and pat yourself on the back because you did prepare everything. But the truth about being a parent is, more often than not, you need to brace yourself for Murphy’s Law to strike when you least expect it! 

I hope that takes a load off your shoulders, and you don’t feel like you need to berate yourself when things (inevitably) unravel.  

Which brings me to… 

Tip #2 – Be ready to lose control…regularly! 

I’ve lost count of how many times, when my children were still babies and toddlers, that my wife and I would forget to pack extra snacks, toys, or wet wipes when we take them out. Or the baby pram just refuses to snap into position while the milk bottle leaks all over the diaper bag. 

Talk about losing control of the situation. And that’s just logistics! 

The kicker is when your little precious has a very public meltdown for one reason or another. It could be the hot weather. Unfamiliar environment. Even the irritating label on the back of his/her adorable onesie.  

Oh, and if you think that’s just the initial years of parenting, and that you will regain control once they are older…Oh well, why spoil the surprise for you, right? You’ll have more than enough on your plate very soon to find out for yourself (*quiet chuckle*). 

And that leads us to… 

Your kid is your ultimate guide. Watch him/her. Closely. Pay attention. Be present. And humble. 

Tip #3 – It’s okay to be ‘blur like sotong’

Ever seen a man looking like he just lost his car key, wallet, or (worse) his kid?! That was probably me. And yes, it’s true. I’ve lost all three before. More than once.

If ever there was a promotional poster for looking “blur like sotong,” I’ll be the face for the campaign!

You see, the look of confusion or losing your grip on things often, is a default look on many new dads. After all, this whole parenting thing is like new territory for the intrepid explorer. Except there are no maps, employment manuals or Parenting For Dummies Guidebook (well there is actually, but trust me, it isn’t much help!)  

And here’s the rub. 

There still won’t be any useful guides even when your kids move into the tumultuous teenage years (which, trust me, by then you would be desperate for guidebooks!). 

But you know what?  

As you bash through the parenting jungle of life to find answers, or simply a way out of your daily confusion, your kid is your ultimate guide. Watch him/her. Closely. Pay attention. Be present. And humble.  

Learn from them, and persevere. 

You will discover how to parent well while you’re “on the job”. Stuff no guru (including *cough cough* me) can ever tell you.

The single greatest portal to self-awareness and transcendence for any individual is the passage of parenthood.

Tip #4 – The parenting journey’s more about you than your kid!

Now that I’ve lived for over half a century, I can confidently tell you the single greatest portal to self-awareness and transcendence for any individual is the passage of parenthood.

How so? 

Here are just two of many examples from my own life as a father.

The first example had to do with my innate discomfort around children, right up into my early 30s. 

Back then, children seemed unpredictable, noisy and totally unmanageable to me. So during my initial years of marriage, I was happy not having any of my own. That changed when my wife was expecting my eldest of two boys. Suddenly I became curious about other people’s kids and found myself seeking opportunities to interact with them. 

Perhaps it was my subconscious nudging me to dress rehearse for “opening night”! Whatever it was, I gradually warmed up and engaged with babies and kids in ways I never imagined possible before.

The second example was when my firstborn (then 20 months old) got trapped in my master bedroom, no thanks to a faulty door. 

When all else failed to set him free, yours truly turned into Spiderman (sans sticky palms and feet), crossed from the adjacent bedroom window into the master bedroom window, while dangling over 30 metres above ground in our eighth-floor HDB apartment. With no harness or safety net! 

Whilst you’ll never catch me doing such a maniacal act of heroism again, that experience taught me that I’m capable of overcoming my fear of heights. Especially when the wellbeing of my flesh and blood was at stake. 

Which brings me to my final tip… 

Tip #5 – Parenting makes you see the world (and yourself) in a whole new light 

In my journey as a parent, I’ve learned to see the old and familiar afresh. All thanks to my best teachers — my children! 

For instance, observing and marvelling with my son how ants move in a neat line on the ground and realising for the first time how much they look like soldiers falling into line. Or how while cloud-watching, my son taught me to see beyond mere shapes and to look for unicorns or unicycles.  

Parenting has taught me to slow down and look at things as though for the first time. To appreciate the wonders and marvels of nature and life through the pure and innocent eyes of my kids. 

And that perhaps is the ultimate reward of parenting. To have a second chance at seeing life anew and in unexpected ways. 

Okay, new or soon-to-be daddy.  

These tips should get you strapped and ready to be your kid’s favourite rock star! Now, your fathering journey’s about to begin.  

It’s time to step up for the ultimate marathon of your life. 

I’ll see you at the finish line. 

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

3 Myths to Debunk Before Marriage

Getting married is a big milestone for every couple. It is the beginning of a union where two very different people enter a covenant to do life together – “till death do us part.” While couples relish in the glitz and glamour of the wedding celebration, there are also some key areas for consideration to ensure that the marital journey ahead will be less bumpy.  

Here are three myths surrounding marriage that we should be aware of, even as we plan towards saying “I do.” 

Myth: We must secure a BTO before our wedding

My personal experience: 

The first question for many couples is where they should live. The default option for young couples who are fairly new in the workforce is to get a BTO (Build-to-Order) flat. It allows them time to save up for the downpayment and renovation works, and places the least strain on their income.  

However, the downside to BTOs is the long waiting time of between three to five years. It means that the couple would either marry later, rent a unit, or live with their parents or in-laws.  

My husband and I chose the latter; we decided to stay with his family because we wanted to save on rent. However, I had to prepare myself mentally as conflict with my in-laws would be inevitable during my three-year stay simply because we have different backgrounds and upbringing. 

It was a reminder that my husband’s family is now my family, and vice versa. 

It was indeed difficult to find common ground at times, but I felt that staying with my in-laws also helped me to understand them more. I learnt how to communicate better with them and show love in personal and tangible ways. It was a reminder that my husband’s family is now my family, and vice versa.  

Additionally, I saw my husband’s lifestyle and habits when I stayed with his family. I could understand why he did things in certain ways that were very different from mine. I then knew what to expect when we had our own house; and true enough, his lifestyle was 100% transferred over to our new home! 

Through this, I learnt that it is still viable to get married before owning our own home. A good guideline for couples is to consider their financial state at that time and how it would evolve when their keys are ready. It would not be wise to deplete all your savings post-renovation because running the household involves regular expenses as well. Couples should aim to live as comfortably as possible without incurring high levels of debt, so that they can prioritise their marital relationship in the first few years. 

Myth: Household chores must be shared 50-50 

My personal experience: 

Household chores form a subtle yet big part of married life; there just seems to be an unending list of tasks involved in upkeeping a home. A lot of time and energy is often required to tackle these chores, and unhappiness over this area can be a threat to our marriage if we are not careful. 

My husband and I split our chores according to our strengths – it is easier to do the things we are good at.

We often hear people say that household chores should be split 50-50, and it does sound logical and fair for both parties to equally contribute to the home. However, there is a better way to look at this, a marriage-friendly way. 

My husband and I split our chores according to our strengths – it is easier to do the things we are good at. We also prioritised the chores that needed to be done in terms of frequency and urgency before dividing them between us.  

There should also be a mutual understanding that exceptions may occur, like when one person falls sick, must work overtime or is in a busy season. In such circumstances, there needs to be more appreciation and understanding on the part of the other spouse. We learnt to view ourselves as a team, rather than competitors seeking to outdo each other. We should aim to help each other succeed. 

Myth: Children are very expensive to upkeep

My personal experience: 

Shortly after getting married, couples are often asked the golden question, “When are you guys planning to have kids?” Raising children is a heavy responsibility. With today’s rising costs of living, competitiveness of society, and exposure to conflicting parenting advice everywhere, parenting can seem like a tough feat not for the faint-hearted. 

But children are also gifts given to us as precious lives to be nurtured and loved. My husband and I love children, and we think that having children adds a different dimension to our marriage. We get to experience family life beyond just ourselves.  

There are definitely sacrifices to be made, especially in the early years, but the hope I hold on to as a young parent is that these will pass. All the inconveniences and even discomfort of caring for young children will one day make way for the satisfaction and joy of seeing our children become responsible and caring adults. 

Ensuring that there is proper planning and a solid community that you can turn to will help you make an informed choice regarding children. Understanding your current financial state and talking to other parents about what to expect in the early years of parenting will give you a better idea of what is to come. Even better if you can visit family or friends with young children to observe how parenting is like in real time! 

There are days when I look back at our decisions in these areas and wonder if my husband and I had made wise choices. On some days I feel regret, and on other days I feel these were our best decisions ever!  

Marriage is an adventure; it involves challenges and risks but also much growth and wonder. And as we question some of these common assumptions surrounding marriage, may we find new ways to manage our own expectations and carve our own pathways forward.

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Should I Let My Child Go for a Sleepover?

Is your child requesting for a sleepover at a friend’s house? What considerations should you have before immediately agreeing or disagreeing to the request? How can you prepare your child when they are away from you? 

Primary to tweens (7-12)

Sleepovers can be exciting and memorable for young children as they imagine being able to stay up late into the night and spending extended time with their pals.

Instead of immediately approaching your child’s friend’s parents to find out about the sleepover arrangements, have a conversation with your child first. Find out who initiated the sleepover, what is the occasion for the sleepover, who else is invited, and what the sleeping arrangements will be like.

Involving your child in this decision process not only empowers them, but it also helps them understand the considerations you have for their safety.

Consider these additional questions:

  • How well do you know the parents of your child’s friends?
  • Who will be supervising the sleepover?
  • What activities have been planned?
  • What are the guidelines on the types of media that can be consumed in their homes?

If you decide to allow your child to go for the sleepover, it is essential to prepare them for various scenarios. These can range from sleeping in an unfamiliar environment, feeling afraid of the dark without their comfort item, and knowing how to handle situations they are uncomfortable with.

Instruct your child that children should not have to keep secrets that break body safety rules and what is a good touch and bad touch. Assure them that you can always be reached, and go through with them on how they can contact you.

If you are uncomfortable for your child to go for a sleepover, express your concerns to your child in a calm and empathetic manner. Avoid instilling fear or paranoia which may send a message of distrust for their friend and family members. Instead focus on explaining your reasons for their safety and well-being when they are away from you.

Teen years and late teens (13-18) 

In their early and late teens, your child would be better equipped to identify threatening behaviours and situations. However, it is still important for us to ensure their well-being and safety. The fact that they are asking you for permission shows they respect you and value your guidance.

However, teens are also more susceptible to peer pressures and may sometimes behave in ways that go against their usual behaviours in their desire to fit in with their peers. It is therefore crucial to lay down limits and boundaries if you grant your teen permission for sleepovers. This includes setting curfew time, behavioural guidelines and clearly out-of-bound areas such as consuming alcohol and smoking/vaping.

Roleplay with your teen on how they can gently but firmly excuse themselves from participating in activities they are uncomfortable with. Together with your teen, come up with some safety words or codes they can use to text you if they need you to pick them up immediately. Assure them that no questions will be asked if they are not ready to talk about it.

Consider these additional questions:

  • Does everyone sleep in the same room or separate rooms?
  • Is there any sharing of bed?
  • Will there be friends of the opposite sex at the sleepover?
  • What will you do if alcohol or cigarettes/vapes appear unexpectedly?
  • What are they planning to do?

Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

It is generally advisable to avoid sleepovers involving friends of the opposite sex, especially at an age when your teen is starting to be curious about sex. Encourage your teen to think critically about the reasons behind your family’s guidelines rather than simply imposing them.

You can explain your family’s stand on this matter and discuss how sleepovers with the opposite sex can potentially lead to unintended and compromising situations. Your priority is to help them understand the importance of respecting boundaries and avoiding potentially complicated situations.

Coach them to consider situations that may come up unexpectedly to start practicing more independence and accountability, instead of simply exercising control over them. Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Trusting the Process in Motherhood

The feeling you get when you cradle your newborn and take in every tiny detail of his/her little face. The amazement and excitement of witnessing your child’s firsts. The way your heart swells with pride when you look at the person they are growing into. 

Being a mother is one of the most unique experiences in this world, special in every way – even in the way it grows and challenges you. 

Your baby is still waking multiple times at night. Your toddler seems to be endlessly whiny and refuses to obey your instructions. Your primary schooler cannot seem to get that math concept right no matter how many times you try to explain it. 

You’re tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. It constantly feels like things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You’re going through the motions, and it never feels like enough. 

As tough as it may be to see beyond this current season, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time. 

In the sowing and the waiting, what does it mean to trust the process? 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations – and in place of that, have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. In its time, it will culminate into something beautiful. 

While that can sound scary, learning to trust the process is an important mindset to have while journeying through the unchartered waters of motherhood and all it entails. By shifting your focus away from the things that cannot be controlled, it takes off burdens that we often unknowingly and unnecessarily carry, so that we can focus on what and who truly matter. 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. 

What it looks like to trust the process in motherhood: 

1. Embrace the uniqueness of your journey 

Drawing comparisons is a surefire way to discourage ourselves. Consciously or subconsciously, we find ourselves looking at other kids’ developmental progress and behaviour, and how other mums seem to be coping – and use that as a yardstick for how we are doing in our own journey of motherhood. 

Often, this can leave us feeling demoralised about the ways we are bringing up our own children, wondering if we are doing what is “right” for them. 

While there may be some basic and helpful principles in parenting, there is no manual that comes with the role. As with all human interactions and relationships, there is no guarantee that doing A would result in B. 

Every child, every mum and every relationship is different; what works well for one child may end up being the most unhelpful approach when it comes to another. 

Your story and journey are distinctly yours, and it is only when we start to appreciate our uniqueness and that of our children that we see the beauty of being content with our own special journey of growth.  

You are the mum your child needs. 

2. Show yourself grace 

Let’s admit it: We are works-in-progress, and will always be. 

We know that there is no perfect mother and no motherhood journey free from challenges, yet we can be so quick to beat ourselves up for our mistakes or when the guilt of not doing enough for our kids creeps in. 

Whether it came in the form of snapping at your child when they asked, “Why?” for (what felt like) the hundredth time in a day or feeling bad about leaving the room the very second before your baby falls off the bed, we have our share of regrets when it comes to being a mum. 

Even then, every impatient and harsh response can be an opportunity to seek forgiveness, every moment of failure a chance to reflect, and each desperate cry for a breather a reminder that we are human. While these experiences are uncomfortable and painful, they are opportunities for growth, shaping our character and the relationship we share with our kids. 

Being a mother is no easy feat. It demands a lot—if not all—of who we are, and there is room to show yourself compassion as you grow with grace. 

Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

3. Play the long game

Motherhood is a ride for the long haul and some seasons are going to be more challenging than others – the first few weeks without the confinement nanny, having two under 3, a child’s adjustment to primary school, relational struggles with your teen; all on top of personal struggles. 

At the lowest points of your journey, it can be tempting to quiet-quit and give up trying. 

The growth mindset would argue that these situations are opportunities to build resilience, learn and become better versions of ourselves. Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

To make the most of every season and to keep growing as a mum, we have to hold onto hope when we are in the trenches – and tell ourselves that, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes, before we know it, our child finally learns to soothe themselves back to sleep, or begin to read independently, or be potty-trained. Growth will spring forth in time to come. 

4. Celebrate growth 

A friend of mine frequently fretted over how frequently she would blow her top at her kids. When one day quite suddenly she realised that even when she had let out a few harsh words, she was able to pause mentally and physically, walk around the kitchen a few times while breathing to regain her calm, and then return to the scene a lot more in control of her emotions. 

It did not happen overnight and it certainly is nowhere near perfection. But trusting the process means believing that over time, there is some form of growth in the journey – even if it occurs it shows in ways you don’t expect. 

Whether it has got to do with your child’s developmental journey and meltdown frequency, or your level of patience and choice of response, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Compared to a week/month/half a year/one year ago, what changes are visible? 
  • Apart from this challenge, how else have I/my child grown? 

As you learn to celebrate both the small and big milestones in you and your young ones’ journey, you may find the assurance and encouragement that you need to take the next step, and then the next. 

 The burdens a mum bears are heavy and circumstances can be challenging, but when we take a step back and consider how far you’ve come, it shifts our perspective of the difficulties we face in the process. 

If you find yourself dutifully watering and tending to a seed in the soil but can’t quite see any growth above the surface, remember that roots need time to grow deep. As the plant grows, there will be seasons of weeding, of pruning, and seasons where it flowers and bears fruit. 

Signs of growth—both in your children and in you—will sprout all in good time. 

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee.

From 3 to 13 May 2024, join us in encouraging mums of their growth in their precious journey of motherhood. Find out more at www.family.org.sg/AllinGoodTime. 

Triggers: A Fertile Ground to Cultivate Intimacy

“Hey, why not we just have the night banquet in your home? After all, there’s enough space, and we can cut cost on renting an event’s space”. 

“You didn’t even ask me what I want for the banquet! Yes, you have your own idea of what that day will look like, but I have mine too, you know?! If we were to have it in my home, I will feel the need to host people. It’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be hosting people!” 

What was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon of planning for our night banquet quickly turned into a tense, sour moment for my fiancée and I.  

Triggers.  

Every couple is familiar with them. As intimacy deepens, so does the potential for triggers to arise when unspoken expectations or needs aren’t fulfilled. These triggers can surface when certain aspects of the past or deeply held beliefs come into play within the relationship.  

Definition of emotional triggers:

  • An event, experience, object, or people that spark an intense emotional reaction.  
  • The cause for emotional triggers is often rooted in early childhood experiences, where an unpleasant event or difficult experience left core needs unmet, and the resulting pain was left unprocessed by our caregivers.

As an adult, we experience certain situations that remind us of some of these painful early experiences. Our bodies re-live these painful moments, and it triggers these negative reactions.  

Triggers with your partner are opportunities for either deep disconnection and pain, or deep healing and growth. The outcome depends primarily on how these moments are processed with our partner.  

How can we reframe triggers as not something to be avoided, but something to be anticipated, perhaps even embraced? How can triggers be a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom with your partner? Here are two simple steps: curiosity, and compassion.

While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. 

Practise curiosity 

Triggers are moments for your partner and you to extend curiosity on your past. While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. Making peace looks like courageously revisiting those memories, and releasing the hurts, pain, and anger associated with those memories. It’s releasing the people whom we want to hold responsible for what happened to us. 

Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk wrote in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “When we cannot find a way to make our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations part of a consistent narrative, we become overwhelmed by our inner experiences and react as though we are facing an outside threat.”  

  1. In moments of triggers, allow yourself to practise curiosity and awareness of your thoughts, memories, emotions, and physical sensations. 

     

  2. Then, share vulnerably what’s happening internally with your partner, by narrating what you are feeling inside. 

     

  3. Allow yourself to sit with the mix of emotions, whether it’s pain, hurt, anger, sadness, fear, or shame. Write them down on paper.

     

  4. Release these painful memories and emotions in your heart, and allow your partner to witness you. 

     

  5. Once you have shared your inner experience with your partner, allow him to extend compassion on what you’ve just shared. 

     

  6. This can look like being silently present with you, giving you a reassuring hug or squeeze of your hands, or simply nodding his head with care and empathy. 

Continuing the example from above, this was what my partner responded to me after she calmed down:

“Sorry for losing my cool with you earlier. I understand and see your heart for cost-savings, but could you give me the space to share what was happening to me internally earlier?” 

“When you suggested to have the wedding banquet at my home, my body started to become flooded with a rising hot feeling in my belly. I started to feel so angry, because I had the expectation that you would consider my opinion on the matter. I felt so unseen and uncared for, and suddenly it felt as if I was a little girl again. 

When I was younger, I grew up with three highly opinionated siblings. My parents always had a hard time, even for something as simple as choosing a dine-out place, my three siblings always insisted on their choice. I didn’t want to add to their stress, so I didn’t voice my opinion, even though deep down I always wondered, ‘How about me? When is it my turn to choose?’. I became quieter and quieter. I learned that to be accepted in my family, I would have to be invisible. To not voice my needs and desires. I hated it, but I chose to do it because it was what I needed to not make life harder for my parents.” 

Sharing our internal process with someone trustworthy allows us to heal. Brené Brown wrote in her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. 

Allow your partner to extend compassion on your story  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. It’s to see the pain we have experienced mirrored in the eyes of our partner—and to unlearn the lie from our childhood that we are uncared for.  

From my response of compassion, my fiancée learns that she is not invisible; she is seen and loved and her needs matter to me. She can voice her opinion of how she envisions the night banquet to be, and not be dismissed for her desires. Her vulnerability also gives me the opportunity to empathise and feel with her. Mother Theresa aptly said, “The eyes of the compassionate bring healing and restoration to the broken.” 

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. 

 

When we are able to courageously acknowledge what happened to us, and allow another to enter into our story and empathise with our pain, a deep bond of trust is built that is unparalleled.  

This is how triggers become a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom, not a landmine to be tip-toed around.  

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. Our intimate, safe relationships in adulthood is an opportunity to heal and find closure for these painful experiences, and to build new beliefs. As you practise curiosity in moments of triggers, and allow your partner to extend compassion on your story, may you experience deeper healing, intimacy, and freedom in your life. 

*Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved. 

How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child

45-year-old Mr Tan had just about had enough. He walked into the counselling room with his face completely red, and recounted what had happened the night before. Mr Tan’s 17-year-old son Jeremy* was totally out of control. When Mr Tan found his son still engaged in  an online game at 2am, two hours after bedtime, he decided to switch off the WiFi in the house, and Jeremy went ballistic. 

“He went into the living room and started screaming. Then he started throwing everything on the floor. The whole house was in a mess!” exclaimed the irate man, his lungs about to burst. “It’s not the first time I’ve told him to stop. I just don’t know what to do with such a strong-willed child!” 

Before we address the behaviour of the child, we need to first understand all the variables that led to the behaviour.

Understanding the strong-willed child

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a “strong-willed” person as someone “determined to do what is wanted, even if other people disagree or disapprove.” From Mr Tan’s perspective, Jeremy was a “strong-willed” child who always wanted to do things his own way; someone who was “obstinate” and “stubborn”, and always refused to do what he was instructed. Mr Tan, wanting to assert his authority over his son, had entered into a power struggle with his son by switching off the WiFi.

According to Bryan Post, a specialist in the treatment of emotional and behavioural disturbance, we need to reframe the way we parent a child whom we believe to be “strong-willed”. Bryan, Founder of the Post Institute for Family-Centred Therapy, noted that a strong-willed child can trigger a strong-willed parent, and this could result in a negative feedback loop of intense emotional turmoil. When discussing the nature of the “will,” it refers to a “will to live,” and a strong will could sometimes stem from a feeling that “no one is able to take care of me other than me.”

The more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will.

Bryan observed that society is outcome-oriented, and that we mostly focus on the behaviour of the child, when it’s actually the relationship (the process) that leads to the outcome (the behaviour). As such, before we address the behaviour of the child, we first need to understand all the variables that led to the behaviour. For instance, did the child have a good sleep the night before? Is he or she hungry or tired, or encountering problems in school or with friends? 

Bryan’s observations are interesting, because the more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will. This encompasses having strong opinions about the world around them, dogged determination and perseverance, and an acute sense of what is right and wrong.  

In fact, a strong-willed child could grow up to become an adult who will persevere to ensure that the task gets done. The person could tap on their deep sense of justice and the strong spirit of determination to become a change-maker in their sphere of influence. 

We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with.

Building the relationship

Parenting is about building relationships. How we connect with our children matters; this is something that I have been learning more and more as I go deeper in my counselling work with people who have experienced trauma.  

Bryan commented that the child often draws on their previous memories before deciding how to behave in a given situation. Building on this concept, we need to ensure that our children have positive experiences with us, in order to create a feedback loop of positive memories.  

The key to building positive experiences is to connect with our children in the everyday moments. We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with. 

Understanding strengths

Connection begins with understanding. And this begins when we understand our children’s strengths – what they’re good at, and what they like to do. My two sons love playing board games, so that’s what we do during the evenings at home and on holiday, playing board games together as a family.

Back to Mr Tan’s case, I learnt from him that Jeremy loved to play soccer and to eat Japanese food, in addition to playing online games. So, I suggested for Mr Tan to spend some time playing soccer with him during their free time, to take Jeremy to a Japanese meal once in a while, and to find out more about what games he liked – the characters in the game, the special powers, and other unique aspects of the game that appealed to the boy.

When I saw Mr Tan a few months later, he was happy to update that Jeremy no longer behaved the same way as before, and that he had reached an agreement with his son on what would be an appropriate time to stop playing each night. “It was almost as if a miracle has happened!” he declared.

And often, such miracles can happen when we work at the relationship.


*All names and identifying features have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved. 

How Can I Reduce my Mental Load as a Mum?

According to BBC, mental load is about “preparing, organising and anticipating everything, emotional and practical, that needs to get done to make life flow.” It is like having ten tabs open and running at the same time in our minds, as we go about our daily responsibilities as mums.  

We can be preparing lunch while anticipating what picking up our child will be like, whether he will be moody because of the long hours in school or the lack of sleep from the night before, while also making dinner plans and trying to recall if we have paid the month’s bills.  

Mental load is one of the hardest things to accurately explain to people, and also one of the biggest sources of anxiety. We feel the need to be in control of what is happening and what is going to happen so that we feel sufficiently confident to handle the various situations.  

This mental load will not lessen until our children are independent enough to make decisions and take care of their own basic needs. Such a responsibility can sometimes cause us to feel overwhelmed and burnt out, if not handled with care. It is therefore important for us to learn how to cope well.  

1. Having fixed routines helps us anticipate with more certainty 

We often hear that children thrive with routines because they can anticipate what is coming and feel more empowered to carry out the task. Similarly, adults rely heavily on routines to carry out our daily responsibilities.  

Having fixed routines can help us anticipate with more certainty the flow of events for the day, which will also help us be more prepared even if unforeseen circumstances crop up. For example, if our children’s routine is to shower – dinner – play – sleep, it wouldn’t hurt to have dinner before taking a shower on days when we get home later than expected.  

Routines act as a baseline for both kids and parents, since they know that these tasks must be completed even if they were coupled with meltdowns and yelling. It takes away the “what’s next” while we deal with the meltdowns, and that helps to give us a sense of clarity amidst the chaos.

2. Schedule brain breaks

Whenever possible, schedule brain breaks during the day. This could be in the form of swapping out one homecooked meal for a  giving the kids fifteen minutes of screen time while we have a cup of coffee and take it slow. This is possible when our children are familiar with the day-to-day routines and have a certain level of independence.  

Short breaks may not seem like much but can go a long way when scheduled at the right intervals. For example, taking a break at midday can help us continue managing the various responsibilities till the children go to bed.  

3. Find community among fellow mums

Bearing the mental load by ourselves is difficult, but adequately describing it to others and explaining its effects on us can also be challenging. Therefore, finding mum friends who can relate is very important. They can be a great source of support and an outlet for you to share your frustration. 

Though our responsibilities haven’t changed, the emotional support our mum friends provide can sometimes give us that little push to last through a difficult day. 

It helps us feel understood and seen by people who have gone through what we have and know exactly what we are talking about, especially when mental load in itself is invisible. Though our responsibilities haven’t changed, the emotional support our mum friends provide can sometimes give us that little push to last through a difficult day.  

4. Give yourself a ‘mum’s day off’

Giving yourself an “off-day” sounds incredibly attractive, because of the sheer responsibility of being a mum. As a working adult, we can switch our phones off and choose not to log in to our emails when on leave, but we cannot turn our brains off and ignore our kids.  

We can only be momentarily free from caregiving when we intentionally step out and away from the family. When we can relinquish the role of caregiving to another trusted adult, be it our spouse or family member, we can turn our minds away from the needs and demands of our family and just focus on ourselves.  

This is absolutely crucial in helping us tune in to our own needs and do the things that we want to do. It helps us feel that our needs can and will be met. We are also a priority and are not forgotten amidst the chaos at home.  

The catch is that we must be intentional to take our minds off whatever is happening at home. It defeats the purpose if we are out but our minds are constantly worried about our children and their plans and activities for the day. 

We can better plan, schedule and care for our children when we are happy and well taken care of. 

Practical tips to reduce mental load

Try these practical tips to better manage your mental load: 

  • Think about which activities you can incorporate into a routine. Perhaps it is doing an emotional check-in at bedtime, or planning for the week’s meals on a Sunday evening. 
  • Schedule your brain breaks into your weekly calendar. Start with once a week and work your way up! 
  • Regularly share with your spouse/mum support group what might be weighing you down or causing you anxiety. 
  • Give yourself time off to do something you enjoy – once a month! 

The mental load of motherhood accumulates over time due to the changing seasons our children go through, and it is important for us to consider our own needs while giving to our children. We can better plan, schedule and care for our children when we are happy and well taken care of.  

The journey is long, but we are also training our mental resilience through the years as our children grow. Take heart, mummies! We can do this! 

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

How Do I Know My Marriage Is Ready for Kids?

After saying, “I do”, it is natural to desire building your nest, and enjoy the freedom of couple-hood. It is also not uncommon for some couples to focus on their career aspirations and goals. But there may come a time when you or your spouse are drawn to conversations with friends or colleagues about babies and parenthood. Or when your social media feed pops up cute images of babies and you dream about having children of your own, and decorating the room for a little one. You feel you are ready to expand your family of creation.  

But are you? 

It has been said that it takes two to tango. The decision to become a parent is a weighty one that should be made intentionally as a couple. Adding a new member requires the readiness of the husband and wife; It is not merely an individual choice.  

Thus, if you are considering parenthood, it is fitting that as a couple, instead of asking, “Am I ready for parenthood?” you might want to ask, “Is our marriage ready for parenthood?” 

If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the cracks in the relationship.

What are the factors to determine if your marriage is ready for a baby? 

1. Relationship strength and vitality 

The health of your marriage is crucial if you want to add children to the mix. Most marriage mentors or counsellors encourage couples to invest time and effort to work on their marriage issues, and strengthen their relationship before the baby arrives. Studies have shown that when the baby arrives, marital satisfaction will take a dip because of the transitional stresses, added responsibilities, and demands of parenthood.  

If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the existing cracks in the relationship. 

Here are some conversation starters for you and your spouse to reflect on and discuss:

  1. How do I envision our lives changing when we have a baby?
  2. What freedoms am I willing to give up that I have now?
  3. How will we make time for our marriage relationship?
  4. If we were to stop having sex for a few months, how would my spouse respond?
  5. How do we handle stress and conflict as a couple?
  6. How do I communicate when I am feeling sleep-deprived and overwhelmed?
  7. What would I want my spouse to do/say when I feel inadequate as a parent, or when my self-esteem takes a beating post-pregnancy?
  8. What comes to mind when I think of the father or mother I want to be?
  9. What are our values regarding raising children, and sharing responsibility and involvement in parenthood? If our values are in conflict, how can we find a middle ground?
  10. What is our parenting style? If they are different, how do we foresee this affecting the way we parent as a team?
  11. What family traditions do I want to carry over from my childhood? What do I wish to do differently?

2. Physical health

When planning to start a family, it is important that you and your spouse are in good health. Visit the gynaecologist or doctor for a health assessment and make the necessary adjustments so that you increase your odds of having a healthy baby. It is worthwhile to switch to a healthier lifestyle: Eat healthily, give up the smoking habit, start an exercise regime! These small changes can strengthen your overall physical health and prepare your body to manage the stresses of the transition to parenthood. 

3. Financial health

Having an additional mouth to feed means there will be an increase in the family expenses. It is important to ensure your financial preparedness for such a commitment. As to the financial cost of raising a child, it is very subjective. If you have a steady income as a couple, a budget that works, and the ability to effectively manage your finances, you are in a favourable position to start a family. That being said, it is always a good idea to take a serious look at your financial goals and commitments; if need be, consult a financial expert to advise you and your spouse.

4. Social support 

Taking care of a baby is physically, emotionally, and psychologically demanding. Today, not many married women want to be a full-time homemaker. Whether you choose to become a full-time homemaker or to balance motherhood and a career, it is important to ensure there is a good support system that you can reach out to in times of need. They can be your parents, in-laws, trusted friends, faith community, or siblings. These are the people who will make time to listen to you, encourage you when the going gets tough, or provide practical help to ease the stresses of caring for your child.

Becoming parents is a lifelong commitment that requires a couple to make the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully.

5. Emotional and psychological stability 

Becoming a parent is life-changing, joyful, and rewarding. At the same time, caring for a baby comes with its fair share of ups and downs. For the mother, the nine months of pregnancy with its physical discomfort, such as morning sickness, fatigue, and back pain can set off unpleasant feelings of frustration or anxiety. Additionally, post-pregnancy bodily changes can cause a dent in a mother’s self-esteem, especially when she finds that she cannot expeditiously get back into shape after childbirth.  

For the father, having to share the wife’s attention and closeness with a new member of the family, the dip in sexual contact, and the financial commitments can pose a challenge mentally and emotionally. 

It would be helpful for the couple to be emotionally and psychologically stable In order to navigate such a major milestone together.  

For many couples, having children is a cherished goal, bringing joy and fulfilment. Having a baby is indeed a life-changing, exciting, and heart-warming experience. However, it is a weighty decision that requires deliberate introspection and reflection, and making the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully. It is certainly worthwhile to make time to engage in honest and open conversations to determine if you and your spouse are ready to become parents. 

What is Sexual Abuse and How Do I Prevent it?

Primary years (7-9)

Sexual abuse like molest or rape can happen to both boys and girls. Since most perpetuators are known to the victims, children might be reluctant to “tell on” someone they are familiar with, especially if it is a person they respect or have affections for. This is why it is important to teach them that their bodies are private and they have the power to speak up when they feel uncomfortable with any form of physical contact, even if it is just holding hands or receiving hugs from someone they know.   

Statistics on sexual abuse show that shock and surprise keep victims quiet. To avoid this, role-play possible scenarios, for example, “Let’s say you are on the bus and someone sits next to you and touches your thigh, what do you do?” You can also equip them with sentences that they can fall back on, for example, “Don’t do that, I am not comfortable with it,” or “I don’t want this, you need to stop now” and establish a standard protocol of what they can do if something happens. This can be as simple as Speak Out, Walk Away and Talk to A Safe Adult. If you have not already done so, teach your primary schooler how to identify a safe adult, for example, someone in authority or a mother with kids. 

Tween years (10-12)

As your child grows in independence, it is critical for us to keep communication open and to be aware of the different ways a stranger could get in contact with them, such as through popular online games or social media platforms.  

Sexual abuse can also come in the guise of “fun” or “games”. The perpetuator might ask the victim to keep what happened as a secret, because it is part of the game or even use threats, blame or shame on the victim. To pre-empt this, talk to your child about these common tactics and teach them to raise the red flag if someone asks them to keep a secret from you. On your part, be on the look-out for anyone who is giving special attention to your child especially if the person tries to get your child alone with him/her. 

It is important to build trust with your tween, through showing your unconditional love and your ability to handle whatever is shared with you, for example, by staying calm and not becoming overly upset with them.

Your child needs the assurance that you will not fault them or dismiss what they share, but that they can depend on you to support them emotionally, give good advice and help resolve the situation.   
 
Watch both your verbal and non-verbal cues when you hear about sexual abuse cases because our children could pick up any negative attitudes we might have towards the victims, and that could make them feel unsafe should they need to share with us in future.

Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)

Continue to make yourself a safe place for your children to come to even as they grow into the teenage and emerging years. Even older teens can go into a state of shock when sexual abuse happens. They may passively go along with what’s going on because they do not know what to do or even disassociate and “blank out” the memory as a coping mechanism.  

If you suspect your teen has experienced something because he or she is suddenly withdrawn, depressed, or fearful of certain places or people, reach out to find out how your child is doing.

Let your teen share at their own pace. It may take more than one conversation to get the full story. 

At this age, our teens may have started romantic relationships, so it is a good time to talk about boundaries within relationships and respectful and consensual physical touch.  

Help your teen see that sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual touch, especially if he or she feels coerced. Coercion can range from “If you do not do this, I will…” statements to “I thought you said you love me…”

It can also involve grooming methods like buying things and paying for your teen over a period of time so that eventually, your teen feels like he or she “owes” the person and has to repay them.  

Empower your children to develop and believe in the power of their own voice. Emphasise that they can say “Stop” or “No” at any time and that it is okay to realise they have gone too far or made a mistake and insist on a stop. Help them avoid the trap of thinking they are in the wrong for being in a situation and thus, have no right to stop. “You can always stop” can be a very powerful belief.  

Any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent—for example, being incapacitated, asleep or drunk—is also sexual abuse. Taking photographs or videos of someone in a state of undress like upskirt photos is also sexual abuse; possessing and/or distributing sexual images is considered a crime in Singapore.  

You can approach these conversations holistically, for instance, as you explain upskirt photos and why they are wrong, teach your daughters to be observant when wearing skirts, and your sons to avert their eyes if they notice exposure, and for them to step in to help someone if their modesty is threatened. Part of our children’s growth into adulthood may also include experiencing sexual desires. Acknowledge that and avoid letting them feel guilty or ashamed over it. 

Sexual abuse is a huge topic and one we hope our children will never experience. To safeguard them, chat with them regularly about sexuality and growing up. Help them gain a solid understanding of how love and relationships work. Knowing how sex is good in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage can help them understand why any form of sexual coercion is wrong.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Should I use Dating Apps in Search for a Long-term, Committed Relationship?

The question of whether to use dating apps or online dating platforms in pursuit of a long-term relationship is a tricky one. If you’re in a season of your life where your social circles are not expanding, and you would love to meet new people, dating apps are a great platform to meet other singles.

On the other hand, dating apps have some very real limitations. One of the greatest limitations of dating apps is the illusion of infinite choice. Because the pool of active users on dating apps are so large, individuals are constantly facing what psychologists refer to as the paradox of choice. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when people are presented with too many options, the individual experiences decreased satisfaction, no matter the choice made. The reason is simple: There is a sense that there is always someone better out there.

I would like to offer a set of questions to ask yourself, before you decide if dating apps are for you in this time of your life as you seek a long-term, committed relationship.

A strong friendship built on trust and respect is a great foundation for the early stages of a dating relationship, and it’s much easier to strengthen an existing friendship than it is to build a new one from scratch.   

1. Why do I want to use dating apps?

Before diving into a dating app, it’s important to ask yourself ‘why’. Do you feel that none of your friends could be a potential partner? Evaluate your existing friendships honestly—perhaps there’s someone worth getting to know better. Building a strong friendship based on trust and respect forms a solid foundation for a romantic relationship. Strengthening an existing bond is often easier than starting anew. 

However, if none of your current connections seem promising, it’s time to expand your social circle. Dating apps aren’t the only option; consider joining interest groups, seeking introductions from mutual friends, or volunteering. These are great alternatives for friendships to bloom in a more organic fashion. 

The mode and manner of meeting people is not as crucial as the quality of your friendships.  Strong friendships are built on values of respect and trust. Focus on building meaningful connections and sharpening the soft skills necessary to build a healthy, long-term relationship, such as emotional intelligence and conflict resolution, rather than simply expanding your social network. 

The key to effectiveness in dating is to be clear about what traits you wish your potential date to possess, and what are certain red flags or dealbreakers for you.

2. Do I know myself, and what I am looking for in a potential date?

The second question to ask yourself once you’ve become aware of your motives, is to assess your understanding of self – your goals in life, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, and your values.  

An important piece of a meaningful, long-term relationship is the degree to which both parties are able to make themselves known, by articulating their goals, needs, values, and their strengths and weaknesses, and have the other receive and reflect them back. It’s important to be aware of these facets of yourself before you commit to knowing another person. 

The other piece that makes a long-term relationship healthy and strong is the ability to accept and receive your partner for the totality of who they are. The key to effectiveness in dating is to be clear about what traits you wish your potential date to possess, and what are certain red flags or dealbreakers for you. This is to avoid unnecessary heartache and disappointment arising from the lack of clear communication of expectations from the onset.

Without the values of contentment, gratitude, and commitment, one will always remain dissatisfied with their match on a dating app.

3. Do I understand the business model, benefit, and drawback of dating apps?

Once you’re clear on your identity and the type of person you’re seeking, it’s essential to understand how dating apps operate, and their pros and cons. Dating apps, driven by profit, aim to attract and retain users through freemium models, offering limited free features, while tempting users with premium subscriptions promising better matches and visibility. These companies capitalize on the human desire to stand out, leveraging it to sell premium features. 

While this raises ethical questions, users must realize that relying solely on free features may limit their chances of finding a quality match. Even with premium features, users may face the paradox of choice and decreased satisfaction. 

Where dating apps excel in is their ability to connect individuals who share a mutual interest in a long-term, committed relationship—assuming this preference is indicated in their profile settings. This is a plus for many users who choose this avenue of meeting other singles over traditional meeting spaces.  

Ultimately, choosing to embrace the values of contentment, gratitude, and commitment is key to satisfaction in dating, regardless of the platform used.  

Thanks to technology, we can build friendships with people whom we may never have otherwise met, but it takes much wisdom and maturity for the interaction online to progress to a real life, genuine connection.

4. Can I use the features offered by a dating app to build a strong friendship — in an intentional and deliberate manner, while staying aware of its limitations? 

Once you understand how dating apps function and have weighed their pros and cons, consider if you can leverage their strengths to foster genuine connections intentionally.  

Dating apps excel in sparking conversations on diverse topics, allowing you to delve beyond the initial superficial conversations into something deeper. Once you have warmed up to each other over text, transitioning to an in-person meeting is crucial for developing deeper friendship, as online interactions lack vital nonverbal cues essential for deeper emotional connection. Face-to-face encounters also verify the authenticity of information shared online. 

One of the greatest challenges with maintaining a connection with someone over text is the difficulty in drawing emotional boundaries, and appropriately pacing the growth of trust and intimacy in the relationship. Trust is built over time, and as easy as it might be to rush an interaction, it’s more beneficial in the long term to exercise restraint. The true character of an individual, such as their values, beliefs, and direction in life takes time to be unveiled, through a variety of different scenarios and contexts. 

After committing to exclusivity, deleting the app helps maintain focus on your current relationship. This helps you draw a mental boundary with the thoughts that there could be someone better out there on the app, and if your current date is the best fit for you. 

Thanks to technology, we can build friendships with people whom we may never have otherwise met, but it takes much wisdom and maturity for the interaction online to progress to a real life, genuine connection. True relational satisfaction and fulfilment comes from the mature decision of mutual commitment, emotional health, and clear communication of expectations and needs, and this can very well be assisted by a dating app, but not replaced by it.