Resource Type: Articles

Learning the Value of “Yes” and “No”

Tween years (10-12) 

One of the best gifts we can give our kids is the belief that their voice matters. Another is the belief that everyone matters.  

When we teach our children to say “no” or to express what they want even if they feel unsure or intimidated, we are helping them grow into people who can say “yes” and “no”. It also helps them respect another person’s “yes” or “no” accordingly.  

Be age appropriate – As we teach them about body autonomy, run through a range of interactions and role-play on how they can stand by their “no”, for example, “I already said no. I am calling the teacher”. Help them learn to articulate what they feel with a firm voice and assertive body language, through different scenarios.   

These can include examples like if a boy in your class tries to hold your hand, if a girl wants to hug you for a long time, or if a classmate calls you his girlfriend.  

Help them process their thoughts – Who would I allow to do these? What does it mean for me and for the other party if I agree to it? What if I am okay with it for a while but then feel uncomfortable?   

Many tweens at this age start to feel the first stirrings of romantic attraction, so do have talks about the place of physical intimacy within a committed relationship. Rather than being overly uptight or stern, adopt a laid-back, natural approach to normalise talks about such topics. 

Check out our video series for practical handles on how to have such conversations! 

We should emphasise that every person matters and that is why we should always respect someone’s “no”, even if it is against what you prefer. We can also teach our kids to honour others – that is, to see them as valuable and to be treated with respect.  This helps to mitigate any future scenarios where our child may feel like it is okay to go against another person’s wishes for their own pleasure. 

Teen years (13-15)  

Emerging years (16-19)  

As your kid grows older, emphasise that they can say “no” even if they have said “yes” earlier to something. For example, if they said “yes” to going to someone’s house but they felt uncomfortable as their friend started to show them inappropriate videos, they have every right to say “no, I am going home now” and do it.  

The talk about consent must happen with both our sons and daughters and if possible, involve both Dad and Mum since both have unique perspectives and our teens may want to ask different questions to either. 

We should also highlight that sex and physical intimacy with someone is meant to be special and consensual. Consent, however, should not be the only consideration, because sex is more than just a physical act. There are also emotional, psychological and relational dimensions to consider. Because of the power of sex to bind two people together emotionally, and to create new life, it is best to reserve it for marriage. 

With your older teenagers who are in relationships, you may also want to talk through physical boundaries and discuss what they can do if those boundaries are threatened. 

Some teens may find sexual boundaries within relationships to be a grey area with the idea that “since 
we are in a relationship, these are the things we do”. Help them realise that stereotypical expectations 
for physical touch do not need to apply to their relationship, and talk through with them on how they 
can communicate their preferences. 

Questions to help them process all these could be “If you are going over to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s 
house when there is no one else there, do you think he or she may assume you are open to sexual contact?”, “What would you do if you are kissing and they want to go further?” “Do you find it difficult 
to express how you feel if it’s contrary to what your partner wants?” 

While our children are starting to become young adults, they are never too old for a loving parent’s listening ear and our regular reminders of their value and worth. It is important that we hold a nothing-is-taboo approach to conversations with our teens and to be a safe place. We do so when we empathise with the struggles that they might face in learning right and wrong regarding sexuality, and are still growing in their decision-making.  

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Thriving in your First Year of Motherhood

Nothing quite prepares you for the first year of motherhood. It’s an exhilarating journey filled with highs, but the heightened emotions can also make the lows hit harder. It’s not just your baby who is reaching milestones—you are too! However, unlike your little one, your achievements often come with less fanfare as you navigate countless “firsts.” 

With so much focus on caring for your baby, it’s easy to neglect yourself. But prioritising self-care is essential— for your well-being and your ability to grow stronger as a mother. With the right support and mindset, you don’t have to just survive the first year of motherhood, but thrive!  

Mental Wellbeing Support

1. Overcoming Mum Guilt 

Counsellor Elaine Chow from the Breastfeeding Mothers Support Group (BMSG), a mother of four, understands firsthand the challenges new mums face. After the birth of her fourth child, she experienced postpartum anxiety and depression. 

“Mums find it very hard to accept giving themselves priority and importance because everybody looks at the baby and nobody is looking at the mother,” said Elaine. She pointed out that, on top of baby care, many mothers also feel pressure to keep up with household chores and care for the other family members. 

The overwhelming need to “do it all, to know it all, to do it perfectly, to do it correctly” often leads new mums to experience guilt. This “mum guilt” can be incredibly detrimental, affecting self-care—whether it’s taking the time to eat and rest, asking for help, or simply recognising one’s contributions to the family. 

“You have to believe and remember that you are important,” Elaine emphasised. 

Well-meaning but unsolicited advice can chip away at a mother’s confidence… be more mindful when offering advice to a new mother. 

2. Navigating unsolicited advice 

Social interactions can be either uplifting or discouraging for new mothers. Well-meaning but unsolicited advice can chip away at a mother’s confidence.  

“I remember one time when I was out with my baby in the mall, I was buying something at the supermarket, and I had my other young kids with me—one in each hand and the baby in the carrier. The cashier said to me, ‘Hey, your baby is very cute.’ I said, ‘Thank you.’ Then she added, ‘Didn’t wear socks—very cold, you know?’ At that moment, that was not my priority. Of course, she was well-meaning, but these are the things that chip away at a mother’s confidence.” 

A new mum, already feeling vulnerable, might take such remarks more personally, especially if she is questioning herself or feeling isolated by the repetitive nature of baby care in the child’s first year. That’s why Elaine advocates for family members and friends to be more mindful when offering advice to a new mother. 

“Affirm the mother. Always say, ‘Good job. You’re doing great. Your baby is so cute. Your baby is healthy.’ Don’t say things like ‘Why so fat? Why so skinny? Why never wear enough clothes? Why wear such long sleeves?’” 

3. Small Gestures make a Big Difference   

Beyond words, small acts of kindness can be incredibly encouraging to new mums. Whether it’s holding a door open, helping a multi-tasking mum at the mall carry her baby bag, or buying a snack for a neighbour’s kids, these gestures remind mothers that they’re not alone. 

If both parents are on the same page, the husband can offer support in more effective ways… allowing the mother to express her struggles without feeling dismissed, ultimately strengthening their marriage. 

Breastfeeding Support

4. Preparations for breastfeeding 

The decision to breastfeed can be a significant one, and preparation can help alleviate stress. Elaine, who breastfed all four of her children, recommends attending a breastfeeding course before the baby arrives. Organisations like BMSG offer these courses to help parents understand the technical aspects of breastfeeding. 

“Being prepared is half the battle won,” she said. Education helps mothers recognise normal breastfeeding patterns—such as cluster feeding, which is sometimes mistaken for low milk supply—as well as potential challenges like poor latching or congenital conditions like tongue-tie.

5. Aligning as a Couple

Having a clear breastfeeding plan can also help new mums and their husbands stay aligned, especially when faced with challenges or opposing perspectives from family members. 

“For example, there was a mum friend of mine… when she was struggling with breastfeeding and had to pump, she would tell her husband, ‘So tiring to pump…’ and the husband, trying to be helpful, said, ‘Then this feed, don’t pump. Why don’t you just give formula?’” shared Elaine. 

In such situations, if both parents are on the same page, the husband can offer support in more effective ways—like preparing the pump or encouraging his wife not to give up. This allows the mother to express her struggles without feeling dismissed, ultimately strengthening their marriage. 

6. The Importance of Support 

When support is lacking, new mothers can feel isolated in their journey. “It can really cause stress for the mum because she feels that she is alone in the journey. Nobody understands the difficulty. Nobody understands why this is so important to her,” said Elaine. 

At the end of the day, whether a mother chooses to breastfeed or not is a deeply personal decision. What matters most is that she feels supported. “You can love your child no matter how you feed them,” Elaine emphasised. 

Loving yourself well and caring for your child with confidence will set both of you up for success in the long haul of motherhood. 

How Doing Chores Can Save Your Marriage

My wife, Erin, and I have been married for more than 22 years, and we’ve had our fair share of struggles with dividing household chores. One evening as I walked into the kitchen, I entered into complete chaos. Erin was making dinner, two of our children were arguing, the TV was blaring, and someone’s homework was scattered over the counter and floor. Noticing the ticking bomb, I uttered four words that changed my life: “How can I help?” 

That phrase sounds positive, right? I thought my offer would epitomise my loving-husband nature. But I quickly realised that I was creating a rift in my marriage. The evidence was in Erin’s response: “You’re an adult. See what needs to be done… jump in and do it!” 

I thought, I can’t believe she snapped at me after I offered to lend a hand. And that’s when I realised that my offer to “help” implied that Erin was responsible for the work. That night, I asked for forgiveness. I reassured Erin that I knew we were teammates, and I was also 100 percent responsible for the care and maintenance of our home and children. 

Take initiative in serving your spouse  

That night, I learnt that the biggest need Erin had was for me to take initiative. My need, however, was to have some downtime as a family each night. I didn’t want our home to represent only “work.” The solution was simple: By jumping in and doing whatever needed to be done, I could not only serve my wife, but also make sure the work got done quickly so that we could relax together. 

How  you share chores in marriage and household responsibilities is just as important as the ultimate solutions you come up with. When you share the chores with a teammate mentality and when your goal is to out-serve each other, you can bring an end to the chore wars in your home. 

Married … with household chores 

It’s Saturday morning, and you’d rather stay in bed than tackle all those household chores. First, there’s the pile of dirty jeans and smelly socks in front of the washing machine. And what about the bathroom? When was the last time the sink sparkled? What about the carpet? When did it grow hair? 

Let’s be honest: Nobody likes chores. But how badly do married couples hate housecleaning? The referral site, Yelp.com, asked couples which household chores they hate most and what they’d be willing to give up if it meant they’d never have to clean house again. The answers might surprise you!

The worst household chores

Almost 80% of couples said they have disagreements about chores. The top three disagreements include: who does the chores, when to do them and how to complete them. These are the chores couples argue about most: 

  • Washing dishes/Cleaning the kitchen 
  • Laundry 
  • Cleaning the bathroom 
  • Sweeping/Vacuuming 
  • Grocery shopping/Meal prep 

When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters. 

Chores in Your Marriage: Maybe there’s a better way? 

Working together makes a difference. Sharing household chores can become a new way to connect as a couple. Whether it’s doing basic house cleaning duties like washing dishes or folding laundry, you can use the time to talk, catch up with each other or spend time in each other’s company. And, research confirms that couples who share chores report higher levels of marital and sexual satisfaction. 

Sharing workloads and working side by side with your spouse tells them they are not alone. When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters. 

Make Your Bed, Save Your Marriage 

Picture this: It’s a bright, sunny morning. You roll out of bed and into your most comfy slippers. You lovingly glance across the rumpled duvet at your spouse standing on the other side of the bed, and then you joyfully make the bed together. … What an awful image! 

I don’t care that a clean sleep environment is good for my health. It doesn’t matter that Sept. 11 is National Make Your Bed Day or that my mother would cringe if she knew I still don’t straighten the sheets every morning. The bottom line: I hate making our bed. 

Many people don’t make their bed in the morning because they’re late and rushing out the door. That’s not me. I like margin in the morning so I’m typically not frantic. I can’t use that as an excuse. Simply put, I like to get into a messy bed. 

My selfishness

My wife, Erin, doesn’t see our unmade bed the same way that I do, so a morning disagreement often ensues. Yes, we’ve had this argument many times throughout our 24 years of marriage. I’ve tried to convince her that unless she’s conducting tours of our bedroom while I’m away, no one will know that the bed is unmade. I’ve tried arguing: “I’m just going to get back in it tonight. What’s the point?”  

The other day I was lamenting to Erin — for the thousandth time — why making the bed is absolutely the dumbest waste of time, when it hit me: My resistance had become utterly selfish. So I started making the bed. 

Encouraging mutual service through chores in your marriage 

Sacrifice is giving up something that you possess that’s valuable to you (e.g., your time, money, comfort, desire, etc.) for the sake of someone you consider to be of greater value. Serving — helping out or assisting — is often easy. But when serving Erin costs me something, it’s a whole different story. 

Thus, from a place of valuing my wife, I told her that making our bed was now my job. I don’t want to feel selfish every time I watch Erin making the bed. I’m far from being a perfect husband and I still hate making the bed, but I love sacrificing for my wife. 

Researchers have found that couples willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems. This sacrificial love predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship. 

© 2014, 2024 Focus on the Family. Used with permission. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

Are Shared Values Important in Marriage?

A home renovation often involves critical pillars that must remain intact, as they provide essential support for the entire structure. Similarly, your marriage requires certain foundational pillars to strengthen its foundation, enabling it to thrive and withstand life’s challenges.   

One of the key pillars of a healthy marriage is shared values – the beliefs and principles that guide your relationship. Examples include honesty, forgiveness, stewardship, open communication, faith, and growth, among others. 

Why are shared values important?

Shared values contribute significantly to the long-term health and success of your relationship. They foster a sense of purpose and direction, enabling you to navigate life’s ups and downs together. 

  1. Simplified decision-making 
    When your values align, decision-making becomes much easier. Consider Jen and John, who are planning an overseas family vacation. Jen desires an exotic getaway, while John wants a more budget-friendly trip. Instead of engaging in a power struggle, they turn to their shared value of financial stewardship. By prioritising this value, they are able to adjust their expectations and choose a vacation that meets both their needs, without compromising their core principles.  
  2. Strengthened emotional connection 
    Grounding your relationship on a set of shared core values enhances emotional intimacy. When you are aligned in your beliefs, a sense of closeness and unity naturally follows.  For example, if you both share a strong value of open communication, make it a point to check in with each other every night about each other’s day. This simple practice strengthens your emotional connection, helping you feel heard and understood, even on the busiest days.
  3. Resilience through tough times 
    Shared values offer a strong framework to cope with setbacks and challenges. In difficult times, they provide the resilience and strength to navigate external stressors, helping you face adversity together with purpose and determination.  

    For example, if you run a business with your spouse and you are facing a tough financial period, leaning on your shared values of perseverance and teamwork will ensure that instead of blaming each other, you work together to find solutions, emerging stronger as a couple through this trial.  

It’s important to revisit your shared values throughout your marriage. Shared values are not set in stone; they evolve with time and experience. 

How can couples develop shared values? 

  1. Engage in regular conversations about important values – Invest time in discussing your values with each other. Having these conversations before marriage is common in premarital courses, but it’s equally important to revisit them throughout your marriage. Shared values are not set in stone; they evolve with time and experience. If you haven’t yet identified your core values, take time to discuss them.  This practice can look as simple as sitting down together at the end of each year to review your life goals and reflect on any changes in your values since the past year. It will keep you on the same page as your spouse, and helps you recalibrate when life shifts.
  2. Seek guidance from a marriage or relationship coach – If you find it challenging to engage in meaningful discussions about your shared values, or if you struggle to reach an agreement on what they should be, a relationship coach can offer valuable insights. A coach can guide you through the process of identifying and aligning your values, providing the tools you need to strengthen your marriage. For couples married for 5 years or less, this could look like signing up for our very own Connect2 Just Married Course.
  3. Cultivate friendships with like-minded couples or mentors – The saying “iron sharpens iron” is especially relevant in marriage. Surround yourself with friends or mentors who share similar values and who will support and challenge you in living them out. Purposeful friendships provide encouragement and accountability, helping you stay true to your relationship’s values. For example, finding a network of like-minded couples in your faith community who share your values of faith and generosity can provide you with the support and encouragement to live out these values in your everyday lives.
  4. Commit to living out your shared values – It’s one thing to talk about shared values, but it’s another to actively live them out through your choices. As individuals and circumstances evolve over time, it’s important to review and adjust your shared values as needed. Committing to living out your values is a continual process that requires mutual support and dedication.  

This is where habits and mutually agreed rituals come in handy. If you and your spouse share the value of gratitude and reflection, it can be as simple as choosing to give thanks for one thing that happened in the day as part of your night routine. This commitment allows you to strengthen your marriage and stay aligned in their shared values, especially during challenging seasons. 

As a couple lives out their shared values, they set an example for the next generation on how to face challenges, make decisions, and foster meaningful relationships. 

Shared values grow your purpose as a family 

A marriage grounded in shared values lays a strong foundation for a family’s purpose and everyday living. It guides their decision-making and how they spend their time, energy, and resources.   

As a couple lives out their shared values, they set an example for the next generation on how to face challenges, make decisions, and foster meaningful relationships. Moreover, shared values help families navigate through tough times together, strengthening their resilience and adaptability. Over time, this shared purpose not only strengthens the marriage but also shapes the family’s legacy, ensuring that the family remains purpose-driven, connected, and capable of weathering life’s challenges with a sense of clarity and commitment. 

Reflect: What are the common values that guide your marriage? What is your shared purpose as a family? 

What to Do If Your Child Stumbles Upon Porn

As busy parents, it can be challenging to constantly supervise all of our children’s online activities. However, it remains all the more crucial to keep watch over our kids. In today’s digital age, it’s not uncommon for children to accidentally stumble upon inappropriate content online, including porn.  

If your child comes to you after chancing upon inappropriate content, it’s important to handle the situation with care and understanding. Here are some tips on how to manage such a conversation. 

1. Stay calm and composed 

Breathe. It’s crucial to remain calm and composed as our reactions will set the tone for the conversation and determine whether our children feel safe enough to come to us, when such incidents occur. 

2. Ask open-ended questions  

Ask open-ended questions to understand what they saw and how they felt about it. This helps in gauging their level of understanding and emotional state. 

Some examples of questions you can ask: What did the image or video show? How long did the video play for? How did it make you feel? 

A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe. 

3. Provide age-appropriate information 

Help your child process what they saw. Avoid giving too much detail but do be honest in order to build trust. 

If your child is a preschooler, and does not seem to remember or understand what they saw, avoid scolding or shaming them.  

However, emphasise that inappropriate content abound on the internet and boundaries will have to be set and adhered to, in order to keep them safe. Use statements like, “A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe.” 

If your child is in primary school, you should highlight the dangers of watching inappropriate material, including porn addiction and normalizing or mimicking the sexual behaviours they see online.  

For more handles on how to talk about porn, register to access our Talk About Sex Video Series. 

4. Reassure your child

Reassure your child that they are not in trouble and that it is okay to talk about anything with you. Let them know it’s a normal part of growing up to be curious and/or to have sexual feelings. 

5. Set boundaries for online safety

Use this opportunity to educate them about online safety and the importance of not sharing personal information or clicking on unknown links. Discuss and set rules of when and how your child can use mobile devices with internet connection. It is also a good idea to install parental controls on all devices in the home and use these tools to keep them safe. 

Creating a safe and open environment at home encourages our children to feel comfortable approaching us with any issues they encounter, whether online or offline. 

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Positive Discipline: Why it’s Useful and 3 Ways to Practise it

The term “discipline” often brings to mind strict authority and punishment, shaped by our upbringing and culture.  

Yet, discipline is not the same as punishment. While punishment imposes consequences for undesirable behaviour, discipline guides individuals toward actions that benefit both themselves and others. 

Alicia Yah, a mother of four and a seasoned early childhood educator with over 23 years of experience, champions the approach of positive discipline. She believes a supportive, respectful environment is essential for nurturing children’s growth. 

“Positive discipline is a philosophy and set of practices that aim to teach and guide children by fostering a respectful and supportive environment,” Alicia explains. 

This approach contrasts with fear-based discipline, which is often associated with control through punishment. Alicia explains, “Instead of using punishment to control behaviour, positive discipline focuses on encouraging good behaviour through positive reinforcement, empathy, and setting clear and consistent boundaries.”  

While fear-based punishment may prompt quick compliance, positive discipline nurtures self-discipline and the internal motivation to do what’s right. Children learn responsibility as they are guided to understand and own their actions. This approach also builds trust between parent and child by fostering respect and open communication, rather than fear. 

Ready to start? Here are three principles for implementing positive discipline with your child: 

Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

1. Establishing consistent boundaries 

Establishing consistent boundaries is essential as children develop their own understanding of limits and safety. 

“Children do not know where the boundaries are, and as parents, we need to guide and teach them,” Alicia said. She encourages parents to explain the consequences of certain actions rather than using punishment to enforce compliance. For example, saying, “If you run across the road like this, you could get hurt should a car hit you,” helps children understand why limits are important. 

Consistency is crucial. If we set a rule—for instance, turning off the television at a specific time—we need to follow through with any stated consequence if the rule isn’t respected. Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

When boundaries are enforced with shouting or fear, it can signal to children that aggression is an acceptable response. Alicia reminds us to act as role models, and to be aware that our actions will shape our children’s behaviour.  

She also offers reassurance for those moments when we fall short and lose our temper. “As long as you want to connect with your child and make it right, we can be intentional to say sorry and try again. My encouragement to all parents is that we are not born ready-made parents; we will journey with our children. It’s okay for them to see us fail, as long as they also see our determination to return with greater resolve to parent well and be more patient,” she said. 

Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch. 

2. Connect before you correct

Some parents may worry that a respectful, connection-focused approach undermines their authority. In reality, maintaining boundaries while valuing connection fosters security and resilience in children. 

Power struggles can damage trust, so it’s helpful for spouses to support each other during challenging moments. Teaching children to “try again” after a mistake can also help. Alicia shared, “This is something that I do with my children—I ask, ‘Would you like to try again?’ Even my youngest, at four, can ask me that when I fall short, which signals to me that they are picking up this strategy as well.” 

When a child is upset, choosing not to mirror their frustration but staying nearby and being ready to connect can strengthen the bond. “Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch,” Alicia added. Hugging them when they have done something wrong communicates that you still love and accept them, even if you disapprove of their behaviour. 

Allow the child to calm down before addressing their behaviour. Prioritise connection over immediate correction, showing that you value them as a person, beyond correcting their actions.  

3. Co-creating solutions with your child

Once a child is calm, a collaborative approach can guide them toward understanding their actions and help them find alternative solutions. 

 “For example, if my child has shown inappropriate behaviour, after calming down, I might ask, ‘If you face this situation again, what would you do differently?’ Then, he can come up with a solution,” Alicia explained. “If the situation recurs and the solution doesn’t work, we discuss what went wrong and try again. This way, the child learns responsibility and knows that I am here to journey with them.” 

 As children grow older, involving them in co-creating solutions and boundaries not only builds their confidence but also shows that their ideas are valued. “The last thing we want is for our child to feel rejected or abandoned because of an inappropriate behaviour,” Alicia emphasised. 

Being a present parent means demonstrating consistency in our boundary-setting, maintaining connection, and engaging in co-creating solutions with our children. By embracing positive discipline, we empower children to grow and learn from their mistakes within a secure, loving relationship. 

Marriage and Kids: A Junior College Student’s Insights

In such a diverse country such as Singapore, I’ve met many people with different takes on dating, marriage, and raising a child. These perspectives, along with the march of time, made me reflect on what it means to build a family in a fast-paced and demanding world like ours.

Too much, too soon? 

I’ve been asked at least once by my parents whether I plan to have children when I’m of age, to which my answer is always: ‘I’ll deal with it later, need to study first.’  

Additionally, seeing big, bold headlines such as: ‘Birth Rates a Historic Low,’ year after year brings weight onto your shoulders. Especially when the onus is increasingly being thrust on you to save Singapore from the clutches of an ageing population. 

While I do find the idea of having a child fulfilling, my mind can easily conjure a myriad of ways I would not be ready for such an important step in my life.

Finding a life partner

Singaporean life finds ways to keep me busy. The academic guillotine that is A-levels leaves little legroom to kick back and think about finding that special someone. The adage goes: ‘Hold pen, not hold hand.’ After that comes National Service (NS), the infamous grim reaper of relationships. If you managed to secure a relationship, you might encounter what many NSmen face: Weekdays of paranoid yearning, and weekends of drop-dead exhaustion.  

By the time all of it is over, I will be a 21-year-old who will be clawing for a degree, managing an apartment, wrestling with the high cost of living and other things I could never have possibly foreseen when I was 17. 

However, I’ve heard of success stories that show it is possible to achieve the best of both worlds. Whether it be a dating couple making compromises and supporting each other through transitions such as NS, graduating, landing their first job, or a married couple finding time for their child and each other despite varying job commitments, it becomes evident that one can build a family without sacrificing growth.

It also helps to remind myself I’m still a young adult-in-progress; just because I feel incapable of raising a child today, doesn’t mean I will struggle forever. 

Am I capable enough? 

Even if things got sorted out in the relationship and commitment departments, there is always the persistent doubt about being solely responsible for raising a human being.  

To me, it seems irresponsible to bring a child into this world without the confidence that I can raise him or her to their fullest potential, and to become a person who can contribute something to the world. Thinking about the stress of our education system, housing, and job security is enough to make my head spin. 

That being said, raising a child isn’t just about dollars and cents. It’s also about the intrinsic joy of watching someone close to you grow, and cultivating something truly beyond ourselves. It also helps to remind myself I’m still a young adult-in-progress; just because I feel incapable of raising a child today, doesn’t mean I will struggle forever.  

For now, I’m taking my responsibility as a student seriously. And when the time is right, I hope to be able to tap on people close to me – whether it’s friends who have travelled further than me or a family member who is committed to my wellbeing – to ‘study’ and understand the roles and responsibilities of a parent like an A-level subject.

Parenthood offers as many, if not more, sacrifices and rewards as any other path. And aiming to have children over a high-paying career shouldn’t be stigmatised.

Family, success or both? 

Despite our culture slowly accepting that success comes in many forms, much of society still tends to put aside life goals that don’t immediately translate into material benefits. So, it’s no surprise that ‘married, with children’ is still seen as a cost rather than an opportunity, particularly for people in my generation. Many people set the scene of tired parents feeding their irate child while their friends have the time of their lives partying, working, or studying. 

Yet, even as I write this article, I’m reminded that one can, and should, balance both. Starting a family doesn’t mean you ‘miss out’ on what life has to offer, in fact it gives you a depth of perspective and experience, from which one might be able to enjoy life and ride through its challenges at another level – and with a personal ‘tribe’ that is connected by blood to learn and grow with.  

Maybe the experience might even change the lens through which I see and comprehend the world. Parenthood offers as many, if not more, sacrifices and rewards as any other path. And aiming to have children over a high-paying career shouldn’t be stigmatised any more than pursuing a passion rather than a corporate job. 

Career and family can converge

As a young person, it can sometimes feel like I am being pulled towards two diverging paths in life, but I must remember that opportunities and experiences are not the on-off switch that others make it out to be. These paths can converge, just perhaps not at the same pace as we think they should. 

It isn’t easy in today’s society, but with a boost from others who have gone before us and a dash of hope and optimism, we can balance our dreams with our desires to build a family. 

As for myself, I will wait for the harmonious marriage of love and ambition to take place within my lifetime and hope to enjoy all facets of what life has to offer. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.  

How Important is Sex in Marriage?

“We have never agreed about sex. It’s the one area of conflict we just can’t seem to resolve.” Couples in this situation may wonder if their marriage can ever be happy. Beneath the conflicts about sexual pleasure and frequency lurks this pressing question: How important is sex in a marriage relationship?  

While you will never fix a dysfunctional relationship with sex, research suggests that a healthy sex life is correlated with a more satisfying relationship in general. Does having sex lead to a better relationship or is it the other way around? It’s both, really. Feelings of emotional safety and healthy communication will definitely help you navigate the challenges of sex, but the opposite is also true. Working on your sex life (if you are in a healthy relationship) can improve emotional intimacy and satisfaction in your marriage.  

Sex releases neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and endorphins that result in feelings of pleasure and general wellbeing. Sexual touch and orgasm also release the hormone oxytocin, sometimes called “the cuddle hormone” because it facilitates bonding and feelings of affection between husband and wife.  

Yet for many couples, their experience of navigating sex in marriage is more frustrating than fulfilling. Arguments about how often to have sex take away any potential joy or unity. For others, sex isn’t even close to pleasurable. The impact of past trauma, sexual shame, low libido and physical pain can make sex something you want to avoid rather than pursue.  

As you attempt to answer the question, “How important is sex in my relationship?” and address sexual conflicts in your marriage, it’s crucial to differentiate between sexual activity and sexual intimacy. Sometimes, emphasising sexual activity will actually sabotage a couple’s sexual intimacy.  

Sexual activity or sexual intimacy? 

For example, let’s say a guy hears over and over again that when he’s married he’ll be able to have guilt-free sex. He brings to marriage a storehouse of expectations. His wife will always arouse him and be ready for sex whenever he has the urge. He can’t wait for the day that he can channel all his sexual energy toward his new wife. 

Then they get married. He finds that he’s not always aroused by her, so he recalls pornographic images from his past. He’s frustrated any time she says no. It’s as if she never wants sex, he thinks. Even when they have sex, she seems to approach it with obligation rather than delight. 

While this couple may have sex once or twice a week, they have never said “yes” to the invitation of sexual intimacy.  

Sexual activity focuses on what’s happening in your body. Are you having enough sex? Are you and your spouse sexually compatible? Are you sexually attracted to your spouse? Such questions may place unnecessary pressure on a couple to be sexually active. The couple then evaluates their relationship based on those purely physical markers.  

But the gift of sex is an invitation to and celebration of intimacy within marriage. Sex is not just about what happens to our bodies; it’s also about the shared journey of vulnerability, pleasure and committed love.  

Steps to intimacy and better sex 

For sex to turn from a negative element of your marriage into a positive one, you need to focus on intimacy. Here are three steps you can take right now to start working toward sexual intimacy. 

  1. Have honest conversations

Talk about what sex means to you. Some couples who’ve been married for decades never talk about sex. Your sexual journey will be transformed when you pursue your spouse’s heart. You can do this by asking questions such as: 

  • Tell me about a time when you felt close to me during sex.  
  • How would you define a fulfilling sex life?  
  • How do you feel when I initiate sex? When you initiate sex?  
  • How does what you learned about sex growing up impact your view of sex in our marriage?  
  • What about our sex life makes you feel particularly vulnerable? 

If you have never talked about sex this openly, you might want to involve a counselor who can help you navigate such vulnerable conversations.  

  1. Know that both of your sexual journeys matter

The sexual journey matters for both of you, not just the one who has the higher desire.  

Whether or not you experience sexual desire, your sexual journey matters in marriage. Sex is a call toward mutual pleasure and intimacy. If your spouse hates sex because of a variety of relational, physical or emotional barriers, demanding they meet your sexual needs can make things worse. Instead, play a part in your spouse’s healing by exercising patience and encouraging them to seek help.  

  1. Embrace hope

Realise that barriers to pleasure and compatibility may actually lead you to the deepest sexual intimacy of your marriage. 

Over the past decade, I’ve heard from hundreds of couples who are navigating severe difficulties including porn addiction, sexual abuse recovery, debilitating physical illness, vaginismus (sexual pain during intercourse) and infertility. During such seasons, mutual sexual pleasure seems impossible. But the gift of sex is one that extends far beyond immediate pleasure. When sex is “good” it allows a couple to delight in each other. But when sex is difficult, it invites couples to experience the goodness of unconditional love. 

How important is sex in your relationship? It’s an important part of marriage, but not the way you may think it is. Rather than focusing on “Am I happy with how often we’re having sex?” instead ask, “How can our sexual journey prompt us to a deeper experience of intimacy?” 

© 2022 Juli Slattery. Used with permission. 

5 Ways to Keep Your Kids Safe and Healthy Online

We live in a time where social media and short-form content are not just tools and sources of information, but a way of life. With the advent of AI chatbots and image generators, the online world presents as many dangers as benefits to our children. Here are 5 ways to keep them safe. 

1. Build in age-appropriate supervision

Before giving your child a mobile device with Internet access, think about the level of supervision and controls that are appropriate for your child’s age and level of maturity.  

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • As children of this age may not be aware of the risks of exploring the online world, we should consider adopting parental controls such as Google Family Link and Qustodio on our home computers and devices. 
  • At the same time, recognise that no parental control app is fool proof, so do keep an eye on children at this age whenever they have screen time.  
  • Children at this age do not need mobile phones. 

Tweens (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens may begin using the Internet for schoolwork. So, we will need to have conversations about the work they need to do online and agree on the boundaries for use. 
  • Some tweens may ask to get a social media account because their friends have them but may not have the maturity to manage issues such as peer pressure and cyber bullying. 

 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • As teens and late teens begin to utilise the internet for a variety of uses such as communication and homework, it may be impractical to maintain control simply through parental monitoring apps.  
  • Conversations and connecting with them over their hobbies and interests will begin to play a bigger role in understanding their needs and usage of screens. The goal should also gradually shift to helping them learn to self-manage their time and priorities.

2. Talk about the dangers and benefits

When we think ‘internet dangers’, the list seems to grow with each passing year. Recent issues like deepfake pornography, online bullying, and fake news are dominating the headlines. So, it’s important to lay out the potential harms that certain parts of the internet can inflict to children just starting to enter widespread internet culture and go over the ways they can safeguard themselves. 

3. Establish what’s good and what isn’t

When grappling with issues like body image, sexuality, and dating, it can be hard for your child to separate good ideas from not-so-good ones, especially when social media portrays a plethora of diverse views.  

Ongoing but small conversations can arm your child with the increasing ability to recognise safe and unsafe scenarios. 

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • Discussions with children from this age group should aim to protect them from common online threats such as online grooming, cyberbullying, and scams. 
  • Additionally, talk about online etiquette and digital literacy, such as how to differentiate between credible news sources and fake news or sensationalism. 

Tween years (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens are at the beginning of their adolescent years and may be particularly susceptible to online/peer influences, so it is not helpful for them to be exposed to overly sexualised images. 
  • Conversations about the different forms of cyberbullying may come in handy, as well as a basic idea of gender/sexuality. 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • Although teens are more independent and do not need, nor appreciate, our constant supervision, they still desire our presence, affirmation and attention. Use these years as an opportunity to share values about love and relationships with them. 

4. Build in-person connections

This one can be a little tricky, given the ubiquity of social media and that some people may genuinely find it difficult to make friends in real life. 

Social media tends to hide imperfections that children might’ve learned to accept if they met them in person such as acne, scars, or unusual talking habits.  

While you may not be able to control how physically social your child is, engaging with them in social activities such as sports, dinners or video games allows for meaningful dialogue between the two of you. Alternatively, facilitate parties/hangouts with his or her friends. 

5. Listen more than you speak!

Children are constantly growing, and the advice your child follows today may be questioned tomorrow.  

However, it’s still important that your child feels safe and accepted when they share their thoughts with you or seek advice from you—especially when they are discovering novel things on the internet that they might not be able to handle alone. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.  

How can I Balance Discipline with Joy and Fun at Home?

Children thrive in an environment where discipline and warmth co-exist. Discipline sets the boundaries that tell them what they can and cannot do, while warmth gives them the security of their parents’ unconditional love. However, balancing these two characteristics of a calm and conducive home can be challenging at times, so let’s explore some ways to help us achieve this! 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. 

Training their minds through discipline 

Often, parents discipline to change or control negative behaviours. However discipline should be seen as a tool to train their minds. Before we dive in, there are exceptions where discipline must be effective in changing behaviours, for example, where safety is concerned. 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. As much as we hope that they would make the right choice all the time, we must also allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.  

For example, my son insisted on having chocolates for snacks 5 days in a row. I told him how it would make him sick, but he still chose to eat them and true enough, he fell sick at the end of the period. That was the first and last time he ate chocolates for 5 days straight. The process of seeing him make this decision was hard and I knew exactly what was coming, but I knew that he had to go through it to truly learn this lesson.  

When we understand that the purpose of discipline is beyond just controlling their behaviour, we are able to execute it in a manner that facilitates effective learning.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. 

Discipline must be built upon trust 

The foundation of effective discipline is a trusting relationship between the parent and child. A relationship without trust is largely driven by fear. We need to be careful as we train our children up, that their obedience is driven by love and trust, not fear.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. However, if our children see their behaviour as a means to earn our approval, then they will obey out of fear and a desire to continually please us. In the long run, we risk losing intimacy in our relationship with them while trying to teach them. 

Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

Words matter 

In the process of disciplining our children, our words matter. As we teach them about right and wrong, we should never attack or make presumptions about their character with our words.  

Even when they have made a mistake, we need to learn how to come alongside to empathise with them and show them grace. This is easier said than done, especially when we were never brought up this way. However, we can take heart: Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter. 

Rules can be bent when… 

While we try to be consistent in holding out our boundaries and enforcing the rules that we set, sometimes we may find ourselves in situations where we feel unsure. There is a lot of fear when it comes to bending our rules because we don’t want to start something we cannot manage eventually. We fear that if we were to give in once, our very clever and observant children will pick it up and bargain for more. Where should we draw the line? 

The answer is: It depends.  

Rules are a guideline for our kids to understand structure and expectations in our homes. There is a place where rules must be enforced regardless. For example, we do not condone violence in our home, and there cannot be any compromise in such matters.  

However, when it comes to things that are more subjective, such as screen time, staying over at a friend’s house, it really depends on the situation. The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter.  

We can make exceptions if it helps to build trust between us and our child, or if we see that giving it as a one-off treat would really make a difference. For example, if your child is graduating and there is a sleepover at a classmate’s house, there can be room for negotiation as to what is allowed and strictly not. This helps our children understand that we care about what they think and feel as well. 

All we need is just a little imagination. 

Fun and joy bind it all together! 

There is just something magical about children having lots of fun and joy in the home. Maybe it speaks of how they really love their home, or it may reflect how closely knitted our family relationships are. Creating a home that is vibrant and filled with fun and laughter amidst structure and discipline may sound daunting (or impossible!) but here’s the secret: It’s in the little things! 

We can always spice things up by changing the way things are done. Adding a little plot to the mundane routines can make things way more enticing and exciting than we can ever imagine. I remember it was probably the third time I was packing the house and I was getting frustrated that the boys were oblivious to the mess. I knew that I did not want to do it alone, neither did I want to hear any more grumbling from them about packing their toys.  

So I put on my story-teller’s hat and told them that we needed to use our superpowers to save the toys from being eaten up by the vacuum cleaner. We all claimed our superpowers (sorting, re-arranging, lifting, etc) and kept the toys under record time that night. We even came up with our own tagline, “We are the best toys defender in town!” 

Fun and joy are as important as routines in a home, they are like the cream between the sponge layers. They bind everyone in the family together and are a strong motivation for our children to work with us and sometimes, things get done faster!  

All we need is just a little imagination. To create a balanced environment takes effort and intentionality, but start with the little things and implement one change at a time. You may not always be successful at the first try, but practice makes progress! Have fun!