Resource Type: Articles

What Husbands Need to Know About Menopause

I recently saw a couple in my office for a medical visit. The husband insisted on accompanying his wife, who was in her mid 50’s, into the exam room because he wanted to make sure she relayed all of her symptoms and all the things that were going on in her life. He immediately commandeered the examination: “First of all, she just isn’t interested in having sex with me anymore, and she does everything that she can to avoid being intimate with me.” The wife put her head down in embarrassment. 

I shifted the conversation to the patient and asked, “Have you noticed any significant changes in your behaviour or the way you feel lately?” She launched into a lengthy list of symptoms: depression, severe hot flashes and night sweats, forgetfulness. She also reported waking up three to four times each night and lacking energy. Without a doubt I knew what she was dealing with — menopause. 

She finished by saying, “I don’t want to have sex because I feel so ugly and unattractive, and also because it hurts so much now.” The husband sat there, his mouth open in disbelief. “Wow,” he said when he regained his speech. “That’s the first time that I’ve heard any of that.” 

His wife said, “I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was embarrassed to tell you.” 

A natural time of life

Sadly, this woman’s feelings about what was happening in her life — there’s something wrong with me — are shared by too many women. While menopause can come with discomforts and inconveniences, it is not a disease or abnormality. It’s a natural time in a woman’s life, and most of the things a woman experiences at this time are typical. 

Menopause is the point in life when a woman’s ovaries begin to significantly decrease production of the hormones oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Oestrogen and progesterone are the two principle female hormones, while testosterone, although commonly thought of as a male hormone, is produced in small amounts in the ovaries and adrenal glands. In women, testosterone plays an important role in sexual desire and energy enhancement. 

Menopause is defined as 12 months of going without a menstrual period. The most common symptoms are hot flashes, sweating, increased irritability and mood changes, sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating and thinning of hair on the head. Vaginal dryness resulting in painful intercourse often occurs later. 

Menopause doesn’t occur at a specific age, although the average age it begins is just over 51 years. If a woman’s ovaries are surgically removed, she enters what is known as surgical menopause. 

It’s a natural time in a woman’s life, and most of the things a woman experiences at this time are typical. 

The effects of relationships

While menopause is natural and normal, husbands and wives are often caught off guard by changes in their marriage relationship. Many husbands become confused by the behaviour of their wife during menopause. The first thing men often notice is a decrease in sexual desire by their spouse. 

As both partners age, a decrease in the frequency of sexual intimacy is normal, but during menopause some women have a significant loss of desire — or begin to experience so much discomfort with intercourse that they choose to avoid contact. The husband may not understand what’s going on and feel rejected or even suspicious that his wife is interested in someone else. 

If a couple is already experiencing marital problems, then moodiness, irritability, confusion and sudden outbursts of anger may add another level of difficulty. Counselling may be necessary for both spouses during this crucial time of hormonal change. 

 

Actions and attitudes

Menopause doesn’t necessarily spell trouble for a relationship. The key to stabilising and strengthening the marriage is to embrace this new season of the marriage. Every marriage goes through transitions. You have the opportunity to create some new normal for your relationship. 

Communicating through this season of change is extremely important. It’s critical for the husband to show deep understanding and compassion for his wife. (He should remember that while he didn’t ask for this, neither did she.) The husband needs to avoid blaming and shaming his wife for what is in many ways beyond her control. 

He should be curious about her feelings and emotional needs during this transition. Ask questions like, “How are you doing emotionally? How can I best show you love in the midst of menopause? How can I best encourage you through this season?” 

Women should likewise extend grace to themselves. The feelings and emotional disruptions they undergo are the result of dramatic hormonal changes. 

The key to stabilising and strengthening the marriage is to embrace this new season of the marriage. 

A woman can often benefit from the care of a qualified medical professional, who can provide information about menopause and treatments for discomforting symptoms. Similarly, the counsel of a licensed therapist can be valuable in dealing with relationship issues. Research shows, however, that only about 20 per cent of women feel comfortable enough to discuss their symptoms with their health care professional, and many women struggle through this time without the support they need. Setting aside time to talk with other women who are going through menopause can also help. 

A well balanced diet; regular exercise; interacting with others; and taking appropriate vitamin and mineral supplements can also help. (Talk with your health care professional before taking any new supplements, as some can interact with other drugs you may be taking.) Finally, it is of utmost importance that you talk with family members about how you are feeling. 

Menopause does not have to be the beginning of a downhill course in life, or of relational difficulties. Nor does it mean the end of your sexual life. Many couples find greater sexual intimacy and fulfilment as they grow closer to each other. 

© 2017, 2025 Dr. W. David Hager. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com. 

How to Talk to Your Child About an Affair

It’s a conversation no parent ever imagines having. Yet, when an affair has impacted your family, the question inevitably arises: Should I talk to my child about it? What can I say as needed, and what should I leave out to protect them?

Children are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. Even if they don’t know the details, they can sense when something is wrong—tension in the home, whispered arguments, or a parent suddenly moving out. So how can we approach this delicate topic with wisdom, honesty, and care?

Choosing whether and what to say

In their book “Getting Past the Affair”, Professors Snyder, Baucom and Gordon advise parents that “In deciding what to say and do, make your children’s well-being your top concern.”1 With this in mind, carefully consider whether sharing about the affair would be in your children’s best interests, and ensure the age appropriateness of your sharing.

It would be beneficial for both of you to talk to your children together. Having both parents present conveys that this is a challenge which you will work through together, and can prevent either one of you from accusing each other. Furthermore, children often have questions, and having both parents present makes it easier to provide clear and consistent answers.

Also, even if you’re deeply hurt, resist the urge to paint the other parent in a negative light. Your child still loves them—and needs to. Speaking poorly about your spouse can confuse and hurt your child. Avoid blaming language like “Your father hurt me,” or “Your mother ruined everything.” Children should never feel like they have to take sides.

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Before and after an affair, regardless of whether the marriage survives, children naturally feel loyalty to both parents. If this loyalty is not acknowledged and respected, it can lead to emotional and relational distress, which may harm both the children and the overall family dynamic.” 

Primary and tween years (7-12)

For younger children, it may not be advisable to tell them explicitly that one of you had an affair. Instead, it could suffice to let them know that Mum and Dad are having difficulties getting along and feeling unhappy with each other at the moment. You might say, “Mum and Dad are facing a grownup problem, and we are getting help to work through this problem together.” 

Children also often internalise conflict. They may wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” or “If I had behaved better, would this have happened?” Reassure them clearly and repeatedly that they did not cause this situation to happen and that it’s not their fault. You can say, “One of us made a mistake that hurt the other. We’re working through it, and we want you to know it’s not your fault.”

The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing.

Teen and emerging years (13-19) 

Though it will still be as painful and difficult to accept, sharing with a teenager about an affair might be more advisable as they would be better able to process the situation and their emotions. Furthermore, they may already suspect or know more than you think. With them, honesty is important—but so is discretion. The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing. 

Remember to share only what is necessary, constantly thinking through if the content of your sharing is in your children’s best interests. Honesty builds trust, but that doesn’t mean sharing every painful detail. Instead, focus on the truth in a way that protects your teen’s emotional well-being. Regardless of age, all children need reassurance that they are loved and safe.

It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain.

Provide stability and support

Your children may react with shock, sadness, anger and confusion. They are also likely to feel hurt, disappointed and betrayed by the offending parent, and struggle with trusting their parents or others in the future. It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain. Most importantly, remind them that they are deeply loved by both parents, and that will never change.

Their lives may feel unpredictable and beyond their control, and that can feel very frightening. In the midst of the uncertainty, your children need to know what isn’t changing. Hence, do whatever you can to maintain their typical daily routine to provide a sense of stability and predictability. 

Primary and tween years (7 – 12)

Young children often worry, “Who will take care of me?” With this in mind, emphasise the constants: who picks them up, bedtime routines, school, and play. Show up for school events, meals, outings—whatever helps them feel grounded. Visual aids like a weekly calendar at home can also help to reduce uncertainty.

Some may ask many questions, while others may withdraw. Let them know their feelings are valid, and that you’re a safe place for them to express those feelings. Let them ask questions and express feelings through play, drawing, or simple conversation.

You also don’t have to navigate this alone. Family counselling or child therapy can provide a safe space for your child to process their emotions. It also models that asking for help is healthy and brave. If you are unsure how to start the conversation, a counsellor can guide you through it. 

Teen and emerging years (13 – 19)

Ask what they’ve noticed and how they’re feeling, making effort to validate and not minimise their emotions. Assure them that you are willing to talk anytime, but also give them space to process on their own. Encourage them to seek out healthy outlets and support, like journalling, engaging in sports or favourite hobbies, confiding in trusted friends and finding support in faith and community groups.

Other than sadness and anger, teenagers may also feel ashamed or embarrassed about their parent’s affair, especially if others have been made aware of it. If shame turns into withdrawal, anxiety, or self-blame, consider asking your teen to go for counselling so that they can receive help to process the complex and deep emotions they are feeling.

 

1 Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on — together or apart. The Guilford Press. 

From Working Professional to Stay-at-Home Mum

Have you ever thought about switching from a dual-income household to a single-income one, and wondered if that is even feasible in Singapore? I’ve been at that crossroads before. Now, after seven years of marriage and two kids, we’ve decided to take the plunge. Here are some tips to consider should you wish to make such a major change.  

Calculate household expenses 

First and foremost, you must ensure that your household expenses are less than your take-home income after Central Provident Fund (CPF) deductions. While this sounds blatantly obvious, we must accept that some jobs simply do not pay high enough to fully cover a household’s daily expenses.  

Different families have different spending habits, but the average household expenditure is around $5,931, according to the latest data by the Singapore Department of Statistics.1 Calculate your household expenses as a family and ensure that, if there is only one income, the take-home salary is sufficient to cover those costs.   

Get appropriate insurance plans 

As the adage goes, “fail to plan, plan to fail”. One of the first things we did before our kids become toddlers was to get appropriate hospitalisation plans for them, as we recognised the need to meet their healthcare needs. If you delay getting your children’s insurance hospitalisation plans, you might end up getting more exclusions as they age which would be disadvantageous for them.  

Additionally, before we transitioned to becoming a single income household, we decided to increase my husband’s insurance plans. On top of my husband’s health insurance, we decided to make sure he has a (1) disability income insurance, (2) critical illness insurance and (3) life insurance, with a guaranteed amount that would keep us afloat for several months should he suddenly be unable to work.  

Ensure sufficient savings for a rainy day 

According to the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS), the general rule of thumb is to have at least three to six months’ worth of household expenses as savings.2 I personally agree with this because we will need that buffer for sudden emergencies such as medical issues, accidents or a loss of job. If possible, it is best to have six to nine months’ worth of savings to reduce the stress and pressure of finding another job immediately.  

Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change. 

Aligning goals, values and priorities 

My husband and I decided to become a single-income household because our kids were very young. After our first child was born, I was a stay-home mum for two years. When our second child arrived, I could return to work remotely due to the changes brought about by COVID-19, and I worked full-time only because the role allowed me to work from home.  

The bottom line was that I simply wanted to spend more time with my children during their formative years. I believe it is ideal if one parent can stay home to monitor, supervise and inculcate the right values in our children. Although my husband is at the office working, we share common goals and values. Transitioning from dual income to single income requires adjustment from both spouses, and it is essential to have a shared conviction and commitment to this change.  

There is a time for everything 

I decided to stay home because my kids were still little, and juggling work with pumping milk every three hours, sleep deprivation, and caring for two children was too exhausting. Furthermore, I wanted to foster a strong bond with them and make daily conversations a habit, so that we will continue to have a close relationship as they grow up.  

No employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. 

While I had to accept that my career would take a pause, the time I got to spend with my kids during their early developmental years was priceless. I could take on freelance or part-time jobs in the future when they are older, but for now, I would like to be my kids’ main caretaker.  

The ultimatum came one day when I realised that no employee is indispensable, not even the CEO; but for my children, there is only one mum. While my parents, in-laws or helper can help with parenting, I have a unique role in their lives and I wanted to maximise it by spending both qualitative and quantitative time with them, even if it means sacrificing financial comfort for several years.  

Gratitude, contentment and wisdom 

What keeps me going is gratitude for simple things, like enjoying a weekly cup of hawker kopi instead of Starbucks, saving money from 11/11 or Black Friday sales, and planning nutritious meals based on what’s on sale. A person may have great wealth yet still feel it’s never enough. The key to enjoying life is not about how much you earn, but being content with what you have.  

Choosing the right job, managing daily commitments while monitoring household income and expenses all require wisdom. Which enrichment classes should my kids take? How much can we afford for our family holiday? We are thankful that God has given us wisdom to make good choices and provided for our daily needs as we transited to becoming a single-income household.  

How Will Opposite-Sex Friendships Affect My Marriage?

Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends after marriage? How do we set healthy boundaries around such friendships?

When you’re married, such friendships may be tricky to navigate and can become a potential conflict area. While it is alright to maintain opposite-sex friendships while married, it does take maturity, open communication, and clear boundaries to ensure both spouses feel comfortable and secure. 

Emotional risks of close opposite-sex friendships 

It’s easy to think, “We’re just friends — there’s nothing wrong with that.” But emotional connections can deepen quietly over time, and what starts as innocent can subtly begin to affect your marriage. 

  1. Potential for jealousy and insecurity 

Take married couple Ben and Joanne, for instance. Ben often had lunch with a female colleague, who was also his gym buddy. It was all professional at first — until Joanne noticed how often her name came up in conversations. She started feeling uneasy when Ben laughed at his colleague’s texts late at night. Even though nothing romantic was happening, Joanne’s discomfort grew because the friendship was taking emotional space in Ben’s life that she felt should belong to their marriage. 

When one spouse feels uncomfortable or left out, that feeling deserves respect — not dismissal. It’s not so much about controlling friendships as much as it is about protecting the emotional security of the marriage. 

  1. Emotional closeness can shift away from your spouse

Rina, a working mum friend, once confided that she often texted a male coworker when she felt stressed about work. “He just gets me,” she said. Over time, she realised she was sharing things with him that she hadn’t shared with her husband in months. The more she relied on her friend emotionally, the more distant she felt from her spouse.  

Such emotional intimacy can be just as damaging as a physical affair. Marriage thrives when your spouse remains your first go-to for comfort and connection, rather than someone else. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “The danger comes when married individuals are not careful and meet their needs for emotional intimacy primarily outside of the marriage, opening their marriage to the risk of emotional infidelity.”  

  1. Blurred boundaries are problematic

Most emotional affairs don’t start with intent — they start with companionship that may inadvertently turn into emotional dependency. When someone outside your marriage begins meeting needs your spouse should meet — listening deeply, affirming you, or spending increasing time with you — you may unknowingly cross a line. The danger isn’t just in what’s done, but in what’s shared. 

Principles for maintaining healthy opposite-sex friendships 

Opposite-sex friendships can exist in healthy ways, but they must be built on trust and transparency. Dr Jared Tan says, “Married individuals can and should enjoy both a healthy marriage and other friendships when they are honest with themselves, and able to discern and navigate healthy boundaries and differences between a spousal relationship and friendship.” 

Here is how you can protect both your marriage and your integrity: 

  1. Be transparent and honest

If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your spouse about a lunch, message, or outing — that’s a red flag. If one might delete WhatsApp messages to avoid an argument with their spouse, it may be telling that the friendship may be crossing emotional lines. Transparency doesn’t mean oversharing every detail, but it does mean being open and accountable. 

If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Keep communication open with your spouse

Talk honestly about what both of you are comfortable with. Some spouses are fine with one-on-one coffee catchups; others aren’t. We have to accept that our spouses may have different comfort levels from us. What matters is respecting each other’s boundaries. If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Agree on clear boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect your marriage and your reputation. For instance: 

  • Avoid late-night chats or frequent private texting. 
  • Do not share your marital frustrations with the friend. 
  • Choose group settings instead of private one-on-one hangouts. 

Think of boundaries not as restrictions, but as guardrails — they keep your marriage safe and steady. 

  1. Ask honest questions about your friendship. 
  • Is this friendship helping or hurting my marriage? 
  • Would I be alright with my spouse having a similar friendship? 
  • Am I turning to this friend for emotional needs my spouse should be meeting? 
  • Would I be embarrassed if my spouse saw my messages or heard our conversations? 

If any answer stirs discomfort, it’s worth stepping back to re-evaluate. 

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

Keep your marriage the priority 

Friendships are a blessing — but your marriage must always remain the top priority. If a friendship begins to cause tension, secrecy, or create distance between you and your spouse, it’s time to redefine it or step away. 

A wise older couple shared this rule of thumb: “If it would make our marriage weaker, it’s not worth keeping as it is.” In the end, the goal isn’t to cut off all opposite-sex friends, but to manage those friendships with integrity and transparency. When both partners feel secure and respected, opposite-sex friendships can exist without harm.  

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

When Our Sexual Desires Don’t Match

At a glance:

  • Mismatched sexual desire is common and normal in marriage. Desire can fluctuate due to physical, emotional, and life-stage factors.
  • Emotional connection and communication are key before focusing on frequency of sex.
  • Couples may benefit from guided conversations or professional support.

“Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.” Whether you agree with this statement or not, sex is an important component of marriage. Yet, it is a piece of the puzzle that doesn’t always fit neatly. 

In marriage, two very different people bring their own beliefs, idiosyncrasies, preferences and upbringing into a most intimate relationship. How each person views, values and desires sex can be very different, affecting marriage in myriad ways. It is easy to have romanticised views of sex, thinking that sex in marriage is highly desirable and should come easily and naturally. However, reality often tells a different story. 

Why do sexual desires change in marriage?

A person’s level of sexual desire is not necessarily constant throughout marriage and can be influenced by many different factors. These can include: 

Physical factors: Health issues, pregnancy, menopause, sexual dysfunction like vaginismus (a condition where the vagina involuntarily tightens, preventing penetration) or erectile dysfunction (the inability to achieve and maintain an erection for intercourse). 

Emotional and psychological factors: Depression, anxiety, stress, past traumas, cultural values and attitudes regarding sex. 

Life stages: Having children, loss of a job or being in the midst of changing jobs, ageing. 

What happens when husbands and wives have mismatched sexual desires?

It is also common for couples to experience mismatched sexual desires due to differing expectations regarding frequency (how often a spouse desires sex) or type of intimacy (the kind of sexual activity a spouse would like or be willing to engage in).  

When sexual desires are mismatched, it can cause strain and tensions to arise in a marriage. A spouse may feel rejected, misunderstood, judged or neglected. If couples do not know how to or are unable to communicate how they feel, it can be very isolating and can cause one to feel unheard and unloved.  

A vicious cycle emerges where a lack of emotional connection hinders physical intimacy which widens the emotional gap, causing husband and wife to grow apart. 

How can couples navigate differences in sexual desires?

Communicate your feelings 
Be willing to express how you feel about your current situation. We cannot assume that our spouses know how we are feeling. Speak and listen without judgement, with the intention of wanting our marriages to thrive and flourish, not to point fingers or cast blame.  

Reconnect emotionally
Take the effort to spend quality time with each other and do things that you enjoy together. Appreciate one another and be interested in each other’s lives. Assure each other of your commitment and desire to grow together through the challenges. Emotional connection can rekindle physical intimacy.  

Talk about sex
Sex may be a taboo subject for some people in certain circles. But the more we talk about sex in marriage, the clearer it is for spouses to understand where each person is coming from. When couples are vague or indirect about their sexual needs or feelings, the issue can be left unresolved and made even more confusing or hurtful for either person. 

Talking about what each person enjoys and prefers in sex can be enlightening and helpful as you explore sex together as a couple. Such conversations may not come naturally, so it is important to be kind and patient in gently encouraging each other to express oneself. Instead of using negative words like “You never touch me”, speak positively: “I like it when you do this”.  

Be understanding and compromise
Love is being willing to do what is best for the other. In marriage, there will always be occasions where we must compromise and be willing to meet halfway for the sake of the other. Someone with low sexual desire can choose to still engage in sex, and someone with high sexual desire can choose not to impose their expectations on their partner. 

Schedule sex
Sex need not always be spontaneous. We can plan for it just like how we plan for a date. This helps couples work around schedules and ensure they have time and energy for sex. It also allows couples to have something to look forward to and prepare themselves physically, mentally and emotionally.  

Set the mood
Foreplay is also an important part of sex. Setting the mood, helping around the house, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving a massage are all helpful ways to prepare our bodies for sexual pleasure.

With communication, empathy and compromise, you can create a safe space to talk through differences and work out what an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life might look like for both of you. 

In some cases where mismatched sexual drives have become too distressing in marriage, it may be necessary and beneficial to consult marriage counsellors or professionals in sexual health. You do not have to suffer alone. These professionals will be able to give you insights and strategies that can lead to healing and restoration in your marriage. Their counsel may enable you to enjoy the fullness of physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage.  

Coming up from 16-19 May 2026 (Sat-Tue), Connect2 Marriage Getaway is an all-inclusive overseas residential 4D3N experience designed for couples to step away from the busyness of daily life and strengthen their marriage. Learn more and register at www.family.org.sg/MarriageGetaway 

Marriage Counselling: When to Seek Help and What to Expect

When Sarah and Daniel* finally sat down in their first marriage counselling session, the silence between them was louder than words. They weren’t fighting anymore—not because things had improved, but because they’d both stopped trying. The spark had fizzled, replaced by a quiet detachment. 

Sarah felt like she was doing everything alone. Daniel felt like he couldn’t do anything right. They weren’t sure what they needed, but Sarah thought she wanted out. 

Their story isn’t unique. Many couples wait until they’re at their wits’ end before seeking help. But marriage counselling isn’t just for couples on the brink of divorce. While it can be a lifeline, it probably should be a regular check-up on your marital health, a safe space to reconnect and talk about sensitive issues, and a way to strengthen and future-proof your marriage. 

When should you consider counselling? 

Here are some signs it might be time to talk to someone:

  1. You’re stuck in the same argument loop

It starts with a sock on the floor and ends with someone sleeping on the couch. If you find yourselves rehashing the same fights with no resolution, it might be time to bring in a neutral party. 

  1. You feel more like housemates than soulmates

If your conversations revolve solely around groceries, bills, and who’s picking the kids up from tuition, it could be a sign that you have lost emotional connection to each other.   

  1. You’re navigating a major life change

Whether it’s a new baby, a job loss, or moving in with the in-laws, big transitions can shake even the firmest foundations. 

  1. Trust has been broken

Infidelity, secrecy, or even just a growing emotional distance can erode trust. Rebuilding it takes time—and often, a professional counsellor can offer support and guidance in navigating the hurt, anger and unforgiveness. 

  1. You’ve thought about giving up

If the idea of separation has crossed your mind more than once, it’s worth exploring those feelings in a safe, guided environment.  

How to make counselling work for you 

  1. Be open and honest
    It’s tempting to shove things under the carpet just to avoid conflict and pain, but real change starts with showing up honestly and with authenticity.
  1.  Do away with the blame game
    Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when…” It’s amazing how much tone can shift a conversation.
  1. Stick with it
    Practicing the skills learnt in sessions might feel awkward. That’s okay. Like any new habit, it takes time to feel natural.
  1. Find the right fit
    Not every counsellor will be the right match, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid to try a few until you find someone both of you feel comfortable with.
  1. Celebrate small wins
    Maybe you had a tough conversation without yelling. Or you made each other laugh again. These moments may be small in the grand scheme of things but they matter.

What happens in a counselling session? 

Let’s first debunk a common myth about counselling. Counselling isn’t about sitting in a room while a stranger tells you who’s right and who’s wrong, or what to do next. It’s more like having a coach who can help you both play on the same team again. 

Here’s what you can expect: 

  • A safe space to talk 
    The counsellor is there to listen—without taking sides. They’ll help you both feel heard and understood, even when emotions run high. 
  • Guided conversations 
    You’ll explore what’s really going on beneath the surface. Sometimes, it’s not about the dishes, it’s about feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed. 
  • Practical tools 
    You’ll learn how to communicate better, manage conflict, and rebuild trust. Think of it as relationship rehab—with some new tools in the toolbox to practise loving each other again. 
  • Progress, not perfection 
    Some couples see changes quickly; others take time. The key is showing up, being honest, and doing the work. 

It’s okay to ask for help 

In a culture that often prizes privacy and self-reliance, seeking counselling can feel like admitting defeat. But it’s actually the opposite. It’s saying, “Our marriage matters enough to fight for.” 

Sarah and Daniel? They’re still figuring things out. But now, they’re doing it together—with more grace, more understanding, and yes, even a few laughs along the way. 

So if you’re wondering whether it’s time to seek help, consider this your gentle nudge. You don’t have to wait for a crisis. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do for your marriage is to ask for help before things fall apart. 

If you’re facing challenges in your marriage, and would like to seek help and support, we’re here to walk with you. Book a session today and begin your journey towards positive and lasting relationship change.  

Co-Parenting with Purpose

When a marriage breaks up, many shared hopes and dreams end abruptly as well. Yet for children affected by divorce, the need for love, protection, and guidance from both parents remains unchanged. While your role as a spouse may have concluded, your role as a parent continues. Co-parenting, for the sake of your children’s well-being, is a commitment that deserves ongoing effort.

Putting aside personal pain 

For Ethan*, whose marriage ended just before Covid, the gamut of emotions ran from fear to doubt. However, instead of withdrawing, he focused on staying present for his son. 
 
“What’s best for my son?” was the biggest question on Ethan’s and his wife’s mind as they finalised the divorce. Being able to move pass themselves to thinking about their son helped create a common goal for them to work towards.  
 
Ethan shared that both sides of the family are still on good terms with each other despite the differences that resulted in the divorce. This means that no bad-mouthing gets in the way of the shared goal of creating for a safe environment for their son.  
 
Love for the family can still flourish, “even if the family looks different now”, said Ethan.  
 
This protects your child’s wellbeing since it is difficult for them to listen to criticism about the parents they love. If you speak ill of your ex-spouse, it creates confusion and strife for your child who would struggle to understand why one parent speaks harshly about the other. Your child may also feel like they must choose one or protect another. It can be very stressful and is not something any child should have to attempt.  
 
Even if your ex-spouse has new romantic interests, your role is to “face these moments with maturity and resilience” instead of transferring your opinions and emotions to your child. 
 
Community is also a powerful game-changer. After all, parenting as a married couple can already feel all-consuming – balancing work, home responsibilities and meeting emotional, educational and daily needs of our children. For single parents, doing all this alone can be overwhelming.  
 
Having family members who are willing to share in caregiving or simply be part of your village makes a big difference. The right village not only supports the child but also encourages the adult. Divorce can feel isolating and even shameful but having people who love you and your child brings immense comfort.   

Working out a consistent plan

Children thrive on structure because it creates a consistent routine, helping them feel safe and secure. 

Determining a schedule with your ex-spouse makes allocated time with your child clear for everyone. Sticking to previously agreed upon timings and responsibilities is also important for trust to be built and sustained.  

These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent. 

Adjusting to life with two homes can be challenging for your child, and seeing one parent move out is already a big change. Support them through this transition by clearly communicating clearly which days they’ll spend with Mum and which with Dad.  

While things may look different, practical timetables combined with frequent reminders that they are still as much loved and wanted will provide the emotional stability they need. 

There will be occasions, such as graduations or performances, where both parents should be present to support your child. These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent.   

In day-to-day life, having a schedule also means setting consistent wake-up and bedtime routines, meal times, and homework periods. While it can be challenging to keep these aligned across two separate homes, maintaining a similar pattern does make a difference especially for younger children. 

Having consistent plans provides a sense of stability not just for your children, but also creates a predictable rhythm for you, helping you stay productive and also seek self-care. Activities such as going for counselling, taking up a new hobby, or pursuing new learning endeavours can be helpful to support your personal healing and growth. 

 Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. 

Partnering in communication

Since co-parenting means each parent only has full oversight of your child on the days he or she is with you, communicating well is essential for successful co-parenting.  

While it can be easy to let your child be the “messenger” and communicate to your ex-spouse through them, carrying this role not only can create misunderstandings but put undue stress on the child to be the middleman. 

Meeting emotional needs requires strong communication and commitment from both parents. A child’s emotional development evolves from early childhood through primary school, the tween years and into adolescence. Health issues, behaviour that need correction, funny moments and milestones should ideally be shared knowledge. 

Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. For older kids, they may also learn how to hide certain negative habits or incidents from parents to avoid worrying them or being disciplined.  

Sudden changes in appearance, mood and reluctance to go to school are all red flags that need to be communicated.  

Ethan cited that for him and his ex-wife, being able to communicate well helps them navigate times when there are differing opinions. For example, when they disagreed on their son’s extra-curriculum classes, they reached a compromise by adopting a “give and take” approach. Likewise, when it comes to finances, having clearly defined responsibilities helps reduce stress in co-parenting.  

Though divorce and co-parenting may have never crossed your mind before it happened, it is still possible to co-parent well. Doing so will help in creating a safe place for your children to thrive.   

“Interestingly, you’d think that after a divorce, things become more complicated. But when both parents truly put the child first, it can actually become simpler — not easy, but simpler. It’s about communicating better, understanding that our son is growing up in two different environments, and learning to be adaptable and patient with that,” shared Ethan.  

* The interviewee’s name has been changed for privacy 

Why Should I Nourish and Support My Spouse?

Amidst work deadlines, parenting duties, and household chores, it’s easy to overlook one of the most important relationships in our lives: our marriage.  

While we may assume that love will naturally sustain itself, the truth is that love, like any living thing, needs nourishment. When something is consistently nourished, its needs are met, and growth ensues. Conversely, when we fail to nourish our marriage, its growth may be stunted, and resentment and conflict may set in. 

One powerful way to keep your marriage thriving is by intentionally supporting and investing in your spouse, or what some relationship experts call “keeping your love bank in the green.” 

What is the emotional love bank? 

The concept of the “love bank” was popularised by Dr. Willard Harley, a marriage counselor and author of His Needs, Her Needs. He likens emotional connection in marriage to a bank account. Every kind word, thoughtful gesture, or act of service is a deposit. Every harsh word, neglectful action, or broken promise is a withdrawal. When the balance is high, couples feel close, secure, and loved. When it’s low—or worse, overdrawn—resentment, conflict, and emotional distance can creep in. 

So why should you nourish and support your spouse? Because every deposit you make strengthens the foundation of your relationship and builds emotional resilience for the challenges that may come your way. 

1. Support builds trust and safety 

When you consistently show up for your spouse—whether it’s listening without judgment, helping them through a tough day, or simply being present—you’re sending a powerful message: “You matter to me.”  

This kind of emotional support fosters trust and safety, which are essential for vulnerability and intimacy.

In a world that often feels unpredictable, your marriage can be a safe harbour. But that only happens when both partners feel seen, heard, and supported. Nourishing your spouse emotionally is like reinforcing the walls of that harbour, which helps keep the storms out and the warmth in. 

2. It strengthens your partnership 

Marriage is a team sport. When one partner is struggling—be it with work stress, health issues, or parenting challenges—the other can step in to offer strength and encouragement. This mutual support creates a sense of “we’re in this together,” which is vital for long-term success. 

Think of it like a relay race. If one runner stumbles, the other doesn’t just keep running—they turn back, help them up, and finish the race together. That’s what nourishing your spouse looks like: being attuned to their needs and offering help or support, even when it’s inconvenient or costly. 

3. It models healthy love for your children 

If you’re a parent, your marriage is your child’s first and most influential model of love. When children see their parents supporting each other—speaking kindly, resolving conflicts respectfully, and showing affection—they internalise those patterns. They learn that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a daily choice to care, serve, and uplift. 

On the flip side, when children witness constant tension, criticism, or emotional neglect, they may grow up with distorted views of relationships.  

By nourishing your spouse, you’re not just investing in your marriage—you’re shaping the emotional legacy of your family. 

4. It keeps romance alive 

Romance isn’t just about candlelit dinners or surprise getaways. It’s built in the small, everyday moments: a warm hug after a long day, a thoughtful text, a cup of coffee made just the way they like it. These gestures may seem trivial, but they’re powerful deposits into your spouse’s love bank.   

When you support and affirm your spouse, you create an environment where romance can flourish. Emotional intimacy fuels physical intimacy, and both are essential for a vibrant, lasting connection. 

5. It prevents emotional drift 

Most couples typically don’t break apart because of one big issue; they drift apart slowly over time. The culprit? Neglect. When spouses stop investing in each other, the emotional distance grows. Conversations become transactional. Affection fades. Resentment builds. 

But this drift is preventable. By making regular deposits into your spouse’s love bank—through a word of encouragement, or a hug at the end of a hard day—you keep the emotional connection alive.   

Practical ways to nourish your spouse 

Here are a few simple but powerful ways to keep your love bank in the green: 

  • Speak their love language. Whether it’s words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch—learn what makes your spouse feel loved and do it often. 
  • Be curious. Ask about their day, their dreams, their worries. Show genuine interest in their inner world. 
  • Encourage them. Acknowledge their efforts, achievements, and growth. If your spouse is considering pursuing a new opportunity, do your best to encourage them and show support for their interests.  
  • Be generous with grace. Forgive quickly, assume the best, and let go of petty grievances. 

Marriage isn’t a one-time commitment—it’s a daily investment. By nourishing and supporting your spouse, you’re building a legacy of love, trust, and partnership that can weather any storm. 

So ask yourself today: What deposit can I make into my spouse’s love bank? A kind word? A listening ear? A helping hand? Whatever it is, do it with intention. Because love grows when it is nurtured. 

How Therapy Helps Adults with High-Functioning Anxiety

Adeline is a 35-year-old working mum of two. She’s known among her friends as the “go-to” person — dependable, efficient, always on top of things. At work, she’s praised for her attention to detail and her ability to juggle multiple projects. But what people don’t see is the toll it takes. 

Every night, Adeline lies awake replaying conversations, worrying if she said the wrong thing. She feels guilty for not spending enough time with her kids, anxious about missing deadlines, and constantly fears she’s not doing enough — even when she’s exhausted. 

She didn’t think she needed therapy. “I’m functioning, right?” she told herself. But the emotional strain was building. Eventually, she reached out for help and is currently on the journey to a stronger, more resilient self. 

High-functioning anxiety can be tricky to spot — even by those who live with it. You might look calm, capable, and successful on the outside, but inside, it’s a different story: constant worry, a relentless drive for perfection, and a deep fear of letting others down. 

Even among youths in Singapore, it was found that more than a quarter experienced severe or extremely severe anxiety symptoms. The prevalence was higher among females (28.9%) than males (25%) and peaked in the 20-24 age group (34.1%). This is according to the National Youth Mental Health Study (NYMHS).  

The good news is, anxiety can be treated. You’re not alone — and you don’t have to keep pushing through in silence. 

Common signs of anxiety 

Here are some common signs of high-functioning anxiety that often go unnoticed: 

  • Your mind is always racing, even when you’re trying to rest 
  • You find it hard to relax or get a good night’s sleep 
  • You worry about disappointing others — even over small things 
  • You feel a constant pressure to prove your worth 
  • You have a high need for control, which may result in excessive workload and stress 
  • You are constantly busy and tired  

If any of these sound familiar, it might be time to take a pause and check in with yourself. 

The cost of anxiety  

Without support, high-functioning anxiety can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and even physical health issues related to the gastrointestinal tract due to the gut-brain-axis. It is also extremely common for people to delay seeking help because they feel they “should” be able to handle things on their own, until of course, they can’t. 

You might find yourself saying, “I just need to push through and I’ll be fine,” but over time, putting such consistently high pressure on yourself can take a toll on your sense of well-being and erode any supportive self-care practices previously present.  

When anxiety is left unaddressed, it doesn’t simply fade away. Instead, it can quietly erode your emotional and physical well-being. You might notice: 

  • Burnout: Constant busyness and mental strain can lead to exhaustion, irritability, and a sense of emotional numbness. 
  • Strained relationships: The need to control or over-function can create tension with loved ones, especially when you feel unsupported or misunderstood. 
  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, digestive issues, and chronic fatigue are common when anxiety is stored in the body. 
  • Loss of joy: Even moments meant for rest or celebration can feel heavy, as your mind struggles to switch off. 

How therapy can help 

Therapy isn’t just for when things fall apart; it’s actually a proactive step toward emotional wellness. Counselling can provide you with a safe, non-judgmental space to unpack your thoughts and feelings, and to understand the patterns that keep you stuck. 

Approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and mindfulness-based grounding techniques can help you: 

  • Identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns 
  • Build emotional resilience and self-compassion 
  • Learn practical tools to manage stress and anxiety 
  • Set boundaries that protect your time and energy 

Therapy can be a game-changer when it comes to high-functioning anxiety — not because it fixes everything overnight, but because it helps you feel more resourced, more grounded, and more like yourself. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore explains:

“People with high-functioning anxiety often feel like they’re holding everything together — but inside, they’re running on empty. Therapy helps them slow down, tune into their emotions, and learn healthier ways to cope and thrive. It’s not about changing who they are, but helping them feel safe enough to be themselves, how it is okay to have needs, and to care for their needs with compassion.” 

Affordable counselling and what to expect 

At Focus on the Family Singapore, we believe mental health support should be accessible to all. That’s why we offer trusted and affordable counselling, with no hidden charges or GST. 

You can choose from: 

  • Intern counsellors: Reduced-rate sessions under close supervision 
  • Senior counsellors or psychologists: For more complex or long-standing issues 

At the first counselling session, we would typically cover these areas:  

  • You’ll be asked about your current challenges and goals 
  • You’ll discover your strengths and assets with your counsellor 
  • Collaboratively, we will work out the milestones and goals for your recovery journey 

Whether you’re just starting out or need deeper support, we’re here to walk with you. You don’t have to keep carrying the weight alone. Book a session today and begin your journey toward calm, clarity, and a healthier you. 

Healthy Vulnerability in Marriage

What is the key ingredient for a strong marriage? Some may say a strong marriage is one with vulnerability. After all, the strength of the marriage bond rests on intimacy, and being able to be open and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings is an important part of that. However, I would take it one step further and say that what truly builds a lasting marriage is healthy vulnerability.

In my experience, both in my marriage and through observing others, I have seen how vulnerability can be mishandled, deepening the wounds and distance between two spouses. Yet, when practised with wisdom and care, vulnerability can transform marriages through deep, healthy, and authentic connection. The following are lessons I’ve learned that have helped me cultivate healthy vulnerability built on trust and grace.

1. Treasure deep and honest moments

Vulnerability can be daunting, not only for the person baring their soul, but also for the listener. There are days when we feel too exhausted from work and parenting to listen well. On other days, it is hard to connect because the subject is about how we could have done better. 

Listening attentively can be emotionally taxing, yet being present is one of the best acts of love we can give to our loved ones. What has helped me is to realise that it is often a privilege to hear about my wife’s feelings, fears, and feedback. As her husband, I am in the unique position of being the person she can confide in most deeply. 

Over time, I have learnt the power of saying, “Thank you for telling me that” after each hard conversation. Each exchange reveals something I would otherwise might never have known about her or us. This gives her the courage to be herself, and gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. 

Of course, not every heartfelt conversation is a difficult one, and when my wife shares her deeper thoughts on other subjects, I take it as an opportunity to discover more of who she is.

2. Make room for both hearts to be heard

It may be easier to advocate for vulnerability in principle, but far more challenging to live it out. Just as marriage requires both spouses to be engaged in continual give-and-take in areas like daily habits, parenting responsibilities, or career, the same goes for the sharing of each other’s hearts.

It can be draining when one party is constantly giving emotional energy through offering their presence and listening ear without receiving the same openness in return. It is a good practice to be mindful of how much “air time” we’ve taken, and invite our spouse a chance to share what’s on their mind. Even if they usually decline – as many introverts do at the end of a long day – they will still appreciate having the freedom of choosing whether to open up, or rest and decompress.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care.

On that note, vulnerability is expressed not just through our words, but also through our silence. It is just as important for a spouse to be allowed silence as it is to allow speech! As an introvert myself, I am always appreciative of the times my wife gives me the space to unwind alone, even if she might have something to share. These acts of grace help me to recharge and return more present – as a husband and a father.

3. Speak and hear the truth with love

Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care. A key ethic in moments of vulnerability is to speak the truth in love. Being honest with our negative feelings, especially if they are towards our spouse or their significant relationships (such as in-laws), does not entitle us to brutal honesty and personal attacks.

When sharing pain arising from marriage, focus on articulating feelings and specific behaviours, and avoid making sweeping statements. For example, “When you look at your phone during our conversations, I feel ignored,” opens the door to understanding far better than, “You are always ignoring me when I try to talk to you – You don’t love me enough!” While the latter may feel truer in the moment, it tends to amplify the negative and raise defensiveness in both partners. It is also important to maintain our spouse’s dignity and ensure such conversations are held in private, unless there is an agreement to involve a trusted third party like a counsellor.

Give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.

Listeners can also apply appropriate ethics, such as withholding judgment, resisting defensiveness, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Trust that your spouse means well and that he or she is intending to be open and honest with you.

Remember also to continually check your expectations of your spouse. It takes humility to accept that certain expectations are shaped more by culture and society more than by genuine needs, such as the assumption of gender roles in the home. Hence, give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.

Hard won tears

One of the pivotal moments in our marriage was when I tearfully shared my struggles during a challenging season of my career. That day, others may have silently judged, but my wife embraced, comforted, and assured me. Despite the uncertainty and challenges lying ahead of us, we forged a way forward in full support of one another. 

I share this story to affirm vulnerability in marriage, lest readers think I am discouraging it through the points made. That day, I was at my most vulnerable with my wife, and it became a precious moment built upon years of mutual giving, acceptance, grace, and forgiveness. Though we took a less conventional path career wise in the years that followed, those years were filled with greater joy as we were freer to live more authentically than before.

My encouragement to every couple is to strive for a healthy vulnerability in your marriage. You might just be surprised by the depth of connection, freedom, and richness that follows when love and honesty go hand in hand.