Resource Type: Articles

De-stressing Exam Stressors

Exam stresses can be distressing, both for kids and parents. However, since stress is something that everyone experiences regardless of life stage, learning to de-stress our stressors is a vital skill to develop.   

For our schooling children, exam stress could be an unlikely opportunity to grow in emotional regulation skills that will aid them through life. Likewise, for us parents, managing our own stress when our kids are going through exams can also strengthen us.  

Mother of two Jasmine Lu, who is also a parent-coach specialising in emotional intelligence, quoted litigator Maureen Killoran – “She once said stress is not what happens to us, it’s our response to what happens”.  

As we reframe ourselves out of a victim mindset that stress is something uncontrollable that just happens to me, we gain emotional strength to control our responses.  
 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why.

Reason for concern 

In parenting our children when stressed, we must also be self-aware. Citing a case where a parent Jasmine was coaching was very concerned about her daughter taking the national exams, she found out that the parent was herself an English teacher and carried the stress that if her child should fail the English test, it would reflect badly on herself.  

“When she shared that, it became clearer that actually it was her own fears of what people might say,” said Jasmine, who also runs a podcast for parents called The Eq-xperimental Parent. 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why and choose to work on ourselves so we don’t impose the feelings of stress on our children.  

“We have to remind ourselves our children are like sponges. They absorb everything that we project on them and they ‘squeeze it out’ by reflecting it… It’s our own securities, our own fears that they are absorbing, and they’re going to learn which will form patterns and become their default stress coping techniques,” she said. 
 

The first step to getting a handle on your emotions is to identify it. Here is a free exam prep cheat sheet for parents and kids to manage exam stress well.

Download PDF now (2.62 MB)

Thoughts, feelings, actions 

Our thoughts, feelings and actions are all interlinked. If we want our kids to take certain actions, we must guide their thoughts and feelings as well.  

Jasmine defined high emotional quotient (EQ) as “being intelligent with your emotions” which requires “very high self-awareness” and will also help you “read the mood of the room, showing empathy and relationship management”.  

How do we use high EQ to help our children manage exam stress? Well, the first step to getting a handle of your emotions is to identify it.  

“We call it ‘name it to tame it’. So, if you are able to name your emotion, it’s been scientifically backed that you’re more likely able to tame that emotion because… you’re actually engaging your logical brain to be back in control,” shared Jasmine. She added that naming the emotion also sends your brain the signal that you understand what is going on, which helps reduce the intensity of neurochemicals it creates.  

So helping your kids name their feelings is a huge first step. Since the pre-frontal cortex that controls their logical reasoning is yet to be fully developed, it is only in co-regulation that they will learn emotional regulating skills.  

To aid our children in developing their emotional literacy and coping skills, avoid questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, ask open-ended questions and don’t rush to prescribe an answer. Allow them to feel and sit in their feelings. 

“This is about their feelings, so it should be about them. So, the way we talk to them should open up conversations about how they feel, and not become like a whole sharing session about oh, in my time that’s how I did it,” she cautioned.  

Be genuinely curious about what’s going on in their world and don’t be afraid if they take a while to find the words to express themselves. Every child is different, so while one may pour out their feelings, another may not, and you would need to read their body language instead. Whichever way, if you can learn to hold space for them, it helps them learn that you genuinely want to know more.  

 C.A.L.M.  

For a growth mindset and resilient outlook, Jasmine shares a framework that she uses in her own coaching:  

C – Categorise your emotions  
What am I feeling? Name it to tame it. Is it just sadness? Or is it disappointment?  

A – Appraise your emotions  
What is this emotion trying to tell me? Is my sadness making me feel hopeless? Is there a sense of despair because I feel stuck? Do I feel like I am a failure because I find this hard?  

L – Look for options  
What can I do to change these emotions? In a growth mindset, you can avoid feeling trapped and powerless by learning to adapt during difficult situations. Help your children anchor themselves back on certain truths, like remembering they are valued regardless of their results.  

M – Move  
What can I do to move my child or myself out of this situation? Come up with a plan to take bite-sized practical steps away from the heaviness of the emotions. Small in-the-moment actions like learning not to focus on the mountain of exams, but just on that day’s learning can be very liberating. You may have to brainstorm for bigger long-term plans like schedule changes for your children and help them identify rewards that can help them stay on track in a happier manner.  

Like everything worth doing, there will be highs and lows in your journey as a parent helping your child de-stress. Take heart and stay adaptable with a growth mindset, and always make sure your children know how they are valued as themselves, not for their results. What you do now with exam stress matters for them as the budding young men and women they are growing into!   

Why Does My Child Procrastinate? And What To Do About It

As parents, few things are more frustrating than watching our children procrastinate. Whether it’s unfinished homework, delayed chores, or missed deadlines, it’s easy to jump to our own conclusions.  

“Why are you always like that?” we might ask in an impatient tone.  

Or, “I told you to do it so many times already, but you never listen!” 

But what if procrastination isn’t about laziness at all? 

In this article, we interviewed Paul Lim, a trained counsellor and senior lecturer at the Singapore Management University,  to unpack the deeper emotional roots of procrastination—and discover how we can better respond to our kids with care and empathy. 

Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task.

Procrastination vs. laziness  

Paul shares that procrastination and laziness may look similar, but they stem from very different places. 

“Procrastination is not laziness; it’s a matter of managing your emotions,” Paul explains. “The root of procrastination is fear.” 

Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task. So it is not because they don’t care, but because they feel overwhelmed or inadequate. 

Laziness, on the other hand, is marked by a complete lack of interest or motivation, even when the task is easily achievable. “Be careful not to confuse disinterest that stems from fear and anxiety with laziness,” Paul cautions.

The emotions that cause avoidance 

Many teens procrastinate because they feel helpless or hopeless about the situation. They think to themselves, “I try and try, but the results don’t change.” After a while, they begin to ask, “Why bother?” 

This spiral can lead to what psychologists call learned helplessness—a state where the child no longer believes their efforts will make a difference. Coupled with additional pressure from school, society, and even well-meaning parents, it’s no wonder some kids shut down, explains Paul. 

This is where, as parents, we may need to first examine our own intentions. As Paul quips, “If you want to help your child deal with procrastination, you must first help yourself.” 

He challenges parents to reflect on their own anxieties and tendencies to control the child. Some questions we can ask are: “Are we projecting our fears onto our children? Are we trying to control outcomes because we’re afraid of what the future holds?”

Seek connection, not compliance

Paul warns against mistaking compliance for obedience. When children comply just to avoid punishment or conflict, they may internalize the idea that love is transactional. 

“My students call it the law of bo-bien (a Hokkien phrase which means no choice),” Paul says. “They comply to get their parents off their backs.” 

This kind of parenting may seem effective in the short term, but it can erode the parent-child relationship over time. 

Children may grow up believing that their worth is tied to performance, not who they are. 

Be curious before you react

So what should parents do when they notice procrastination? Paul’s advice is simple but profound: ask why. 

“The first response is not to scold or accuse. The first thing to do is ask, ‘Why?’” 

As parents, we also need to watch our tone. A frustrated “Why haven’t you done your homework?” won’t open doors to our children’s hearts. But a calm and curious “Can I ask why?” or “What happened?” might. 

Paul shares a story about his son, who was avoiding piano practice. After some gentle probing, Paul discovered that his son felt he had to be perfect. “He was disqualifying himself before he even started,” Paul says. 

By exploring the emotion behind the behaviour, Paul was able to help his son reframe his expectations and build confidence. 

Don’t dismiss their emotions  

Another key takeaway: don’t deny your child’s emotions. 

“If they feel scared, they’re scared. If they feel overwhelmed, they’re overwhelmed. As parents, we must give them the right to feel that way.” 

Paul emphasises that while the facts of the situation may not always match the feelings, the feelings are still valid. And when we normalise these emotions and respond to our children with empathy, we are also helping them learn to bridge this gap over time. 

Ask, What happened to me? 

As parents, we may have to do the hard work ourselves too. Paul observes that many parents have not had the space and time to process their own emotions. Perhaps we may have grown up having our emotions denied or dismissed.  

He advises for us to take some time to ask ourselves: What happened to me? 

For if our goal is to raise emotionally healthy children, we must first do the inner work ourselves. 

“If you really want to be the best parent you can be, you first have to sort yourself out. Otherwise, it’s going to continue with this cycle… and your kids will pass that down to your grandchildren,” advises Paul. 

Procrastination isn’t just a behavioural issue—it’s an emotional one. And parenting is as much about self-awareness as it is about teaching and guiding our young. 

So the next time your child puts off homework or chores, pause. Ask why. Listen without judgment. Hold back the scolding and nagging. Instead, take time to connect with them emotionally. Remember: the journey to helping our children be their best selves starts with us. 

Are You Married but Lonely?

Loneliness has been called a modern-day pandemic. Pair busy lives with increased screen time, add in shallow emotional maturity and unmet expectations and needs, and we have a recipe for drifting apart…even if the couple stays married.

While no one intends to foster loneliness, it unfortunately creeps in quickly when either spouse neglects the other. Since we all enter marriage with rightful expectations of love and support, not feeling seen or supported can be very disorienting and disappointing.

Sometimes, we only realise our own lack of emotional maturity when we have close relationships. Perhaps in your family of origin, you were never modelled physical affection or intentional affirmation. Perhaps the conversations at home were 99% functional and  practical, or it was rare to have fun together. So it’s only when you are creating your own family that you realise you don’t really know how to do this differently.

Emotional unavailability can be a painful experience for your loved ones. It feels isolating or even rejecting to know your spouse is not emotionally there for you. 

Here are some helpful pointers to ascertain your level of emotional expression:

– Do you find it hard to discuss your feelings? Or to find words to describe them?

– When you are going through a hard time or struggling, do you find it hard to let your spouse in on it?

– When your spouse shares his or her struggles, do you find yourself tongue tied? Perhaps you will advise him or her to ignore the problem or try to offer a practical solution but you don’t have the words to soothe his or her heightened emotions?

– If your spouse shares feedback on something you did or did not do, do you feel defensive or attacked?

– Do you find it hard to apologise sincerely?

These checkpoints are not meant to make you feel bad. But since awareness is the first step for a change, it is important to understand yourself. 

Drifting apart may be gradual but it is always a product of a lack of intentionality. The good news is – you don’t need to live a lonely life. You can take intentional steps to reconnect with your spouse.

Instead of communicating to correct, communicate to connect. 

Communicate to connect

To foster togetherness, we should learn to forgo communicating to correct and instead communicate to connect. Even if something did go wrong, when you harp on it and what your spouse did wrong, it only serves to create a me-versus-you scenario. In a marriage, you want to feel like you’re both on the same team!

For Melanie Wong, a mother of two children and whose husband travels frequently, communicating to connect also means choosing to “always staying in touch” despite the distance because “it’s important that we continue to be apart of each other’s lives, we do not want to reach a state of being independent of each other and start to drift apart or realise we can ‘do without’ each other”.

They also worked out that video notes are a great way to stay connected to the children too and her husband would send three video notes – one for her and two for the kids – daily when travelling.

Communicating to connect is a daily choice we make. Don’t assume busy-ness has to mean silence or emotional distance! 

Connect emotionally

An emotions wheel is a helpful tool to pick up vocabulary for emotions, and expand your own ability to recognise the emotions your spouse and yourself go through.

There’s only so much conversation if our vocabulary is limited to just “good” and “angry”. Are you frustrated, disappointed or anxious? Did you feel humiliated, inferior or hesitant? A simple google will give you access to an emotions or feelings wheel that can quickly upgrade your emotional vocabulary!

A simple way to practise this is to make it a point to talk about your day. Melanie shares that even when her husband is away, they try to end their day with a call. If there is time zone difference, they send a video note at the end of the day.

These small gestures help keep the parent who is staying home with the kids from feeling like “I have to do everything on my own.” It also communicates to your spouse that you still want him or her in your day, even if you are physically apart.

Such small but daily acts can help to maintain emotional connection and deepen your marital bond and trust. 

Listen with your heart

No one can connect with someone who’s not emotionally present. Often, we can be quick to find solutions when our spouse shares a problem. But contrary to helping, it can actually result in the person feeling dismissed and unheard.

Listening with your heart means that you listen to the emotions the other person is sharing and responding in care towards them. It also means staying attuned to your spouse even if no words are used. 

You will learn to pick up when they are “off” or need comfort, and even look past their words to try to understand what is happening internally. Won’t this be a wonderful way to be loved?

It is possible to grow to be attuned to each other over time as you keep your heart soft and open emotionally to each other. 

Plan for connection

Conversation in marriages can be very functional, especially when kids come along! There are days or years when it feels like the majority of our words are about groceries, childcare and school.

But if we don’t plan for connection, one day, the kids will grow up and we may realise we have little to talk about with our spouse.

So even in the busyness of life, look for ways to connect. It could be after the baby goes to bed, or in the morning after school drop-off or a quick lunch when work appointments end up near each other.

Keep trying to create time to be together. After all, it’s in this togetherness that you keep loneliness out of your marriage.

Even healthy marriages need support once in a while. If you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, reach out to one of our counsellors.

What If We’re Not Sexually Compatible?

In popular media, dating and sex are often portrayed to come together. The idea of sexual compatibility and that you should “try before you buy” may seem attractive to young teens, but is that all there is to it? 

The Teen Years (Ages 13-15)

During the teen years, your child may be more curious about the opposite sex, and have questions about dating. This is a good time to open conversations with your teen about the right time to start dating.  

As your child may not be able to easily distinguish between an infatuation and being in love, you may also want to explain the difference between a crush and a committed relationship.  

This is also a good opportunity to involve family values when talking about building healthy and mutually respectful relationships.  

For example, on the value of abstinence in a young person’s life, we could explain by saying: “When we are young, we may not be sure if we will eventually marry the person we’re dating. So it could be wise to abstain from sexual intimacy before marriage, in order to enjoy this special and beautiful gift with our spouse within the commitment of marriage.” 

Emerging Years (16-19 years) 

In the emerging years, you can take discussions with your child about relationships and physical intimacy further.  

Ask them questions to stimulate their thinking about the issue. For example:  

  • What do you think sex is for? 
  • What happens when two people engage in sexually intimate acts? 
  • What are the consequences of sex before marriage? How about within marriage? 

Be prepared to delve deeper into the topic with your child. You can start by explaining the neurochemical processes that happen during sex: hormones such as oxytocin are released to foster feelings of closeness and loyalty between two people engaged in sexual intimacy. Ask them to think about what might happen if they do not eventually marry the one whom they had sex with. What are the emotional and physical consequences of this outcome?  

True intimacy thrives on a foundation of mutual love and respect. The idea of sexual compatibility as finding that special someone whom you will have great sex with immediately is quite a media fantasy. Contrary to media portrayals, one often finds that we need to work at sex, the same way we need to work hard in our marriage. Ask any couple and they will likely tell you that sexual intimacy grows over time, in tandem with emotional closeness and openness in communication. 

Furthermore, if we approach sex from the viewpoint of simply gratifying our own needs, does this mean that we should keep looking for a new partner once the relationship’s honeymoon stage wears off?  

If you are getting married to someone you love and respect and can be vulnerable with, that’s the best head start you can get to building lifelong intimacy with your spouse. 

Want to be equipped to lead conversations about love and relationships with your youths? Join us at the upcoming Healthy Sexuality Masterclass in August! 

‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’ – Is it Really so Simple?

When the coffee gets cold 

 “You know Mark,” said the bespectacled man in his 70s, “I don’t really feel anything for her anymore. He picked up his cup of coffee and made a gesture to drink it, but then puts it down on the table again. “It’s like this cup of coffee. It used to be hot and delightful to drink. But now the coffee has gone cold, and I don’t free like drinking it anymore.” 

Fred and Sally had been married for more than 40 years. Fred described their initial courtship as “sweet” and “exciting”. However, after they had their two children, and after the kids grew up, got married and left the family home, things didn’t seem so “sweet” and “exciting” anymore. 

“I’m not sure what happened, Mark,” said Fred. “Perhaps it’s because she stopped being happy. It seems as though the spark had left her eyes. One day it was there, and the next day it was gone.” 

Fred seemed to hint that the reason for his lacklustre marriage was the adage “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. During the days when his wife was happy and “had the spark”, Fred felt that his life was going well. However, when the spark was gone and the wife stopped being happy, Fred believed that his life was no longer purposeful and that he was no longer satisfied with the way his life was. 

Regardless of gender roles, there is more to marriage then simply trying to make your spouse happy. 

In the pursuit of happiness 

Consider the principle behind this saying. Would a man live a satisfied life only if his wife was happy? The idea behind this notion first appeared in the early 1900s, but researchers have been trying to study the science of this concept for years. One study, published in 2014, argued that when a wife is satisfied with the marriage, she would tend to do more for her husband, which would then result in a positive effect on his life. 

Other studies dispute this, like a 2022 publication, which stated that the wellbeing of both men and women are equally strong predictors of future relationship satisfaction. The suggestion was then to amend the saying to “Happy Spouse, Happy House”, a term that might be more in line with current perspectives regarding gender roles in marriage. 

Regardless of gender roles, there is more to marriage then simply trying to make your spouse happy. My wife and I often talk to couples in our professional and personal capacity. Through these conversations, we have learnt that should one spouse merely attempt to placate the other in a bid to “keep the peace”, this could lead to difficult issues being swept under the carpet, and when things get too difficult in the marriage, fault lines could appear, which would then lead to a rift in the marital relationship. 

Understanding needs & expectations 

 In 1986, psychologist William F. Harley Jr. wrote a book His Needs, Her Needs. The book was re-written and updated a number of times, with the latest version published in 2022. Harley shared that men’s needs and women’s needs are different, and that we need to understand and fulfil our partner’s emotional needs in order to build a successful marriage. This can be done by inculcating habits of love in our daily lives, even as we navigate through the various conflicts in our marriages, and subsequently arrive at a mutual resolution that respects the perspectives of both spouses. 

In any marital relationship, both partners have felt needs and expectations, and these are of paramount importance to them. Yet needs and expectations are different. In the context of marriage, a need is something that we cannot do without. As such, if we want to build a stronger marriage, it is crucial for us to identify the needs of our spouse, and then try our best to either meet this need, or to help the other person to do so.  

When it comes to expectations, these are wishes that we desire for our spouse to fulfil, good-to-haves, but not a dealbreaker in the sense that these are something we can live without. As such, we have to recognise that it would be unreasonable to demand that our partner meet every single one of our expectations.  

For myself, I have a strong need to connect socially with close friends. My wife recognises this, and she often makes the choice to spend a prolonged afternoon out at a social engagement, even though she may be tired. As for my wife, I know that she enjoys a walk in the park listening to podcasts by herself, so there are times when I opt to take care of the kids, enabling her to spend some “me time” in order to recharge and recuperate. 

 

If a marriage has too many unmet needs and expectations, this could be a foreshadowing of tough times ahead. 

 

Yet it is not something that cannot be resolved, provided the couple is prepared to deal with conflict and to resolve this in a manner that addresses the needs and expectations of both parties. 

Learning to resolve conflicts  

No marriage is perfect. With differing views, needs and expectations in a marriage, conflict between husband and wife is unavoidable. But while we cannot avoid conflicts, we can avert situations that are so adversarial that they lead to a breakup or dissolution of the marriage. As such, it is imperative that couples learn to manage the conflicts in their marriage, and to seek out resolutions that address the fundamental differences in their perspectives. 

 

For ultimately, it is not a matter of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Marriage is not meant to make us happy; it is meant for us to help each other become the best version of ourselves. 

 

During the earlier years of my marriage, when the kids were much younger, my wife and I differed quite a bit in terms of our parenting styles. I tended to be the stricter parent, with my wife was generally more lenient. So there were times when we clashed in terms of how we chose to parent our children. One principle we learnt then was while husband and wife may have differing views in parenting, they have to be in one accord when presenting the final decision to the children. In other words, we had to settle our parenting differences behind closed doors, before sharing our single united decision with the kids.  

While conflicts between the couple are inevitable, the skills for conflict resolution are crucial. This does not mean that you have to resolve your differences with your spouse on the day of the conflict. But it does mean that you need to give each other space to process any differences, as well as to iron out any issues that may arise because of these differences.  

Most couples can agree to disagree if the issue at hand is a minor one. However, if it is a major matter that is of utmost importance to the couple, then both sides will need to communicate their perspectives and hear the other person out, until an amiable resolution is achieved. 

For ultimately, it is not a matter of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Marriage is not meant to make us happy; it is meant for us to help each other become the best version of ourselves. 

 

Mark Lim is Director/Trauma-Informed Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and trauma-informed counselling agency which conducts counselling and training in areas such as marriage, parenting, mental wellness and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two boys 15 and 13 years’ old. 

Pseudonyms have been used in this article for privacy reasons. 

When the Chemistry Runs Dry… What Next?

There is an unfortunate joke that is sometimes told at weddings: What are the three rings in a marriage? Engagement ring; Wedding ring; Suffering. Cue peals of laughter from those who are further down the road, those clueless of what’s to come and those who choose not to experience it at all. But, does it have to be this way? 

Speak to any couple on their wedding day and suffering is the furthest thing on their mind. After all, some coin the wedding day as the happiest day of their lives. Come what may, couples promise to love and stand by each other’s side through thick and thin.  

Cut to a couple of years down the road and things may not be the same. Past the honeymoon period; deep in the trenches with young children or struggling with infertility; faced with mounting bills and mortgages; dealing with stressors at work or in the home. The blessed blissful life that you once envisioned may seem like a distant memory.  

Perhaps you’ve settled into a comfortable or worse, uncomfortable familiarity. Sometimes this familiarity breeds contempt. You take each other for granted. Your life-long partner starts to feel more and more distant. Suddenly, you behave more like roommates than husband and wife. What happened to those romantic feelings of yesteryear?  

Those with years of experience in marriage will tell us that marriage is not a walk in the park. There will be so much to enjoy but also much to struggle through. It is hard work keeping a marriage alive. But it is a work that is worth investing in for the joy of having someone journey alongside you through life’s ups and downs.  

When the chemistry runs dry and your marriage feels like its hit a standstill, perhaps it’s time to take stock and see what can be done to get it back on the right track.

Communicate 

This is likely the number one advice all couples receive—to communicate well with our spouses. It is also the one thing we often struggle to do. It is too easy to expect our spouse to know what we want or how we feel without saying anything.  

The sentiments behind “You should know!” belie the desire to be known. And yet, how can one know unless it is revealed. We need to be open and willing to speak about any and every thing in a gentle and kind manner, without resentment or accusation; and for each other to be willing to listen with compassion and without judgement.  

Even after five, ten or even more years, we may be surprised to learn new things about our spouses or to learn new ways of communicating with each other. It is only when we are speaking truth in love, revealing our deepest fears and joys, and being good listeners will we grow in understanding and support of each other.  

Good communication grows our emotional connectedness with each other. We feel heard. We feel understood. We feel loved. 

Compliment 

Every person likes to be appreciated. A simple “Thank you” puts a smile even on a stranger’s face, what more for our nearest and dearest. When we are overwhelmed with problems in marriage and family, it can be hard to look for the silver lining in the grey clouds. But if we can change our perspective and start from a point of gratitude, we can view our circumstance through a new lens.  

Let’s start with complimenting our spouse, saying “thank you” for the good work that is done both in and outside the home; for mundane, unseen chores that keep the home running; for daily labour that provides for the family; for efforts to build family life. Sometimes we need to recall what attracted us to our spouse in the first place. Be thankful for all those good qualities and express it. 

Gratitude brings about more smiles which in turn leads to happier homes.  

Connect

Singaporeans are busy people. We have packed schedules and are often rushing from one thing to another. Life gets in the way when we are inundated with bills, responsibilities, chores and caregiving. And yet, we thrive on safe, secure, loving relationships that ground us and give us impetus to have meaningful and fulfilling lives.  

We need to take the effort to connect with our spouse no matter the season. 

Find things that both of you can enjoy together, whether it’s having a nice meal, going for a walk in the park or finding a common hobby. Revisit some of the things you used to enjoy together while you were dating. Find ways to spend quality time with each other. Physical touch and intimacy is so important in building connectedness as well. Don’t neglect such moments!  

While regular dates are a “nice to have”, in reality, it may not be an easy arrangement, especially once we have children. It is equally important to connect on a daily level where our thoughts and feelings are expressed and heard, where a simple “How was your day?” or “How can I help you?” is asked. That way, a simple dinner at home becomes a precious opportunity to connect emotionally over meaningful conversations.  

Commit

At the core of our marriages is the commitment we made to our spouses on our wedding day to love and cherish in all circumstances, good and bad. When love wanes, sometimes, we need to revisit this promise, be reminded of it and be willing to hold fast to the commitment that was made. Our promise to each other undergirds and gives meaning to all the efforts we make for the sake of our marriage, to keep loving one another.  

Marriage brings out the best and worst of us. We love deeply but also hurt intensely. Living with someone different from ourselves, raising children together or going through difficult circumstances can be very stressful. But, all good things take work. In time and with much effort, our marriages can be true blessings for ourselves and the people around us.  

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Join our upcoming Just Married workshop to learn the essential skills to building a thriving marriage.   

Habits Of Love I Learnt From My Family

The notion of ‘Family of origin’ was something I recently learnt in a Focus on The Family’s programme: ‘Family Future Makers’. Family of origin refers to the family that an individual was raised or born into.  In that session, I learnt the significance of the family of origin, and its impact on who I am today through introspection and reflection.  

How we relate with fellow family members, how family members relate with one another, and how each family member is like as an individual can all have an influence on who we are today.   

For me, my family of origin consists of my mum, dad, and my siblings – an older brother and sister. In this article, I will focus on how my father’s interactions with the rest of my family have shaped me for the better and for the worse. Let’s start with how it has shaped me for the better.  

How Dad shaped me for the better 

My father is a man of few words and is a perfect prototype of the ‘Asian father’. He is not the most expressive with words, but instead, his love is in the form of food and gifts. We never have a shortage of snacks at home, and even a slight mention of how a certain snack is nice would mean multiple restocks over the next few weeks.  

As I think about who I am today and the way I show love to others, I realised that my father’s method of silent love and quiet service was something I caught quite easily. I subtly think of others whenever I am out; sometimes I buy snacks or items that I remember that others had mentioned they needed in past conversations.  

It is a very natural thing for me to do, and I also feel glad when I see the joy in others when I love them through these small gifts.  

My father modelled to me how love can be through acts of provision and cultivated in me a habit of thinking of others. 

Learning to be more expressive 

My father’s silent love has also influenced how verbal I am about my thoughts and feelings. While I appreciate his method of love today, I did not always do so. When I was 15, after an argument with him, I remember thinking to myself: “He can only say hurtful things to me! He can’t even say ‘I love you’, is it really that hard? What’s the point of buying us (me and my siblings) so many things but he can’t do that?” 

While I swore to be different from my father in this aspect, I see that I too, also tend to keep my thoughts to myself and am not the most expressive person to my friends and even to my partner. One day, my partner made a passing comment about how I am not the most verbally expressive when it comes to my love for her but that she sees it through my actions. Her observation made me think about how I relate with friends and even family members. I realised that I was inclined to express my love through actions rather than words of appreciation. As a result, there were times when I fail to express my gratitude to the people around me well. I would awkwardly smile or buy them a gift, but rarely would I verbally express my gratitude.  Being on the receiving end of love that mostly expresses itself in actions, I know that gifts cannot fully replace verbally expressing how I feel.  

In recent years, I learnt from my mother that my father struggles to express himself because of his family of origin. Fights were frequent among his family members and there was much distrust even up till today. There were far more arguments than conversations between each family member. This has helped me understand why he choose to love through gifts instead of words.  

Growing up in such a hostile environment must have meant that staying silent and keeping to yourself was easier than trying to have conversations. Since then, I have learnt to see his actions of provision as a way he says, “I love you”.  

Thankfully, my father has also learnt to be more expressive towards us as the years past and I finally heard my father say those precious three words when I was 19, during my national service, which was a major milestone in our relationship! 

He has even started to be more open with his thoughts and feelings, though there are still times he would remain reserved. Lately, he even shared with us his thoughts about whether he should retire soon, which gave us a rare opportunity to support him emotionally – something I was glad to do seeing how much as he has supported us materially all these years. 

 Reflecting on how my father’s family of origin has shaped him and how my family of origin has shaped me and the way I love, has helped me to have a clearer idea on what I hope to bring into my future family.  

I hope to love like how my father did and is doing today. Providing for every need where I can and taking joy in meeting the needs of my wife and children.  

However, it also made clear to me what I hope to unlearn as I think about my future family. I want to unlearn thought patterns on how I am meant to keep everything to myself. Instead, I hope to be a husband and father that expresses his love to his family verbally and not just through material provision. I hope to never stop telling my loved ones that I love them and not assume that they know it.  

May you also be encouraged to think about your family of origin and how it has shaped you or is influencing who you are today, be it in a positive or negative way. By returning to our family of origin, we can shape our family of the future for the better. 

Author: Lam Zi Yang is a final year student at NUS pursuing a double major in Psychology and Business Management. In his free time, he enjoys going to the gym and playing with cats! 

The Family Future Makers programme provides development opportunities for young leaders who are keen to contribute as active citizens to uphold family values as foundational to nation-building in Singapore. For information on how to register for the next run, do write to us at: partnerships@family.org.sg.

When Can I Start Dating?

The birds and the bees, boy-girl relationships, perhaps every parent’s nightmare. Where do we start? What do we say? How do we broach the subject? We feel awkward and unnatural talking about the topic. Many of us may have been left as children and teens to figure it out on our own. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Our children are always observing and learning about the world around them. They are picking up social norms and behaviour from their friends, social media and the people they come into contact with. What better way than for parents and trusted adults to be their first line of information and to be actively shaping their views about relationships, dating and marriage?

Why date?

The dictionary definition of dating is “to regularly spend time with someone you have a romantic relationship with”. For many, it is also to ascertain if the person you are dating would be someone you would marry for life.

Therefore, it is important to help our children understand that dating is not “just for fun”, there are many implications being in an exclusive relationship with someone. Dating should not be treated flippantly.

When can I start dating? 

While there is no strict one-size-fits-all rule about when someone can date, we would encourage parents to caution their children not to date before the age of 17. There are many dangers that can occur in immature relationships—sexual promiscuity or abuse; the inability to handle intense emotions; distractions from their main responsibility of being students, among others. 

Instead, we should encourage them to be focused on forming friendships, getting to know as many people as they can in primary and secondary school; developing skills and hobbies through various activities; and growing in their knowledge through school. 

As parents, we ought to also be conversing with our children about relationships from a young age to guide and prepare them for when they start to date.

Primary & tween years (7-12) 

Primary school children will start to notice the different kinds of relationships around them: parent-child, friends, married, dating. We can use real life examples of dating couples to describe a dating relationship—what they are doing and for what purpose.

We may explain how those who are dating are not married, but have a special, romantic relationship that might be headed towards marriage. Their affection for each other not only binds them emotionally but may be expressed physically, within safe boundaries. We should also correct any impressions they get about relationships from the media they consume. Help them distinguish screen life from real life—how people fall in love and stay in love.

Teen & late teen years (13-19) 

Youths in their teen years and older may start to feel attraction and romantic feelings towards others. They may be considering starting a relationship with a person or wonder if it is the right time and place to do so.

We should assure them that such feelings are a normal part of growing up. Help them process those feelings and if appropriate, how they should act on them.

How to date?

As we talk to our children about dating, we should discuss specific guidelines that will keep their dating relationship safe and healthy.  

Build friendships 

Encourage our children to begin with group dates where they go out with other friends in a group. In group settings, our children learn how to relate to members of the opposite gender. They can use these opportunities to get to know each other before going on solo dates.

Group dates provide opportunities for continued friendships with other friends, preventing a couple from retreating into an exclusive and sometimes elusive pair (void of external friendships). Friendships are foundational in building healthy relationships throughout life.  

A dating relationship should start from a friendship where there are common interests, values and goals in life.

Safe spaces 

With the prevalence of porn, many young people may have misguided impressions and views about physical intimacy. They may wonder what forms of physical intimacy might be appropriate or allowed (although most young people will probably be too embarrassed to ask). Be specific in laying down boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy. Talk to them about intimacy and sex in a relationship.

Teach our children how to be respectful and protective of their dates. Encourage them to keep their dates in public spaces. Many may not be able to control their actions in a dating situation particularly if they are in a private location. 

Help our children see that every action has a consequence.

Open communication 

Check in with our children from time to time. Find out what has been going well and what has been difficult as they explore dating. Sometimes they may need help processing their feelings, other times, they may simply need a listening ear to know that you care. Listen without judgement and give advice gently.

Get to know the person our children are dating. Take an interest in their lives. This gives us a window into how compatible our child and their date may be and whether it is wise to keep going.

Assure them that it is okay not to proceed with the relationship if it is detrimental to either of them.

Grow in character 

Help our children become people others will want to date. When we teach our children kindness, self-control, empathy and the willingness to look to the interests of others, it will put them in good stead for any future relationships. They learn that relationships are not only for their own benefit but for the happiness of both persons.  

As awkward as the topic of dating and relationships can be, let’s be intentional to guide our children in this area. When we speak with genuine love and concern, our children will be more willing to listen and open up about their struggles and joys. Together, we can navigate this often confusing world of dating, helping them enjoy and experience healthy and loving relationships throughout life. 

Want to be equipped to lead conversations about love and relationships with your youths? Join us at the upcoming Healthy Sexuality Masterclass in August! 

Is It Normal to Think About Divorce?

Marriage often begins with romantic ideals—two people pledging to love and stay with each other for life, through all seasons. Yet somewhere between the wedding vows and daily routines setting in or the arrival of kids, many couples find themselves wondering: Is this really working?  

Some may even find themselves asking a more troubling question—Should I get a divorce? 

If you’ve ever had that thought, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s more common than you think. 

In a study of close to 300 individuals that have used Focus on the Family Singapore’s new Connect2 Marriage Assessment tool, we asked respondents whether they have considered divorcing their spouse in the past few years.  

The good news is that more than three-quarters of the respondents have not. However, there is a small but significant group (about 5%) that thought about it “frequently” or “most of the time”.  

Furthermore, 1 in 5 wives have thought of divorce “sometimes”, “frequently” or “most of the time”. This is higher compared to 6% of husbands. 

But here’s the key: Having the thought doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It may, instead, be a signal that something needs attention. 

Behind closed doors, many couples wrestle with unmet expectations, emotional fatigue, or the grind of child-rearing and work. 

The quiet thoughts many don’t admit 

According to the Institute for Family Studies, nearly half of married individuals in the U.S. have at some point thought their marriage might be in serious trouble. In a world filled with curated social media relationships and constant comparisons, it’s easy to believe everyone else has it better.  

But behind closed doors, many couples wrestle with unmet expectations, emotional fatigue, or the grind of child-rearing and work. 

Lisa and Edric, a couple married for 12 years and raising three kids, described feeling “more like co-managers of a household than soulmates.” Lisa admitted that in their worst months, she would find herself imagining life without Edric—not because she didn’t love him, but because she felt emotionally disconnected.  

For Edric, the pressure of work and being “the provider” left him emotionally distant and physically drained. They weren’t fighting all that frequently, but they weren’t connecting either. 

Both quietly wondered: Is this what ’till death do us part’ is supposed to feel like? 

The reality is that most marriages will experience dry spells, seasons of intense conflicts, or even times of bitterness. These difficult phases can plant seeds of doubt. But just as thoughts about quitting a job don’t mean you’ll hand in your resignation the next day, thoughts of divorce too do not mean you throw in the towel immediately. 

Why it’s normal—and why it’s worth addressing 

When the stresses of life, personality differences, and old wounds collide, even the strongest couples can feel strained. It’s normal to wonder if things could be easier alone, or with someone else. 

But what if we allow such thoughts to function as a wake-up call, and use it as motivation to work on the issues together? According to Dr Jared Tan, Clinical Psychologist & Couples Therapist at Focus on the Family Singapore,

It is sadly, quite common to have couples come in after years of pain and emotional disconnection due to a distancer-pursuer pattern of communication. This is, fortunately, quite easily remedied through couples therapy or counselling.

Defending the commitment of marriage 

Marriage was never promised to be a smooth journey. The lifelong commitment we made through our wedding vows means choosing each other over and over, even when it’s hard.  

That doesn’t mean staying in a relationship that’s abusive—those situations may require different boundaries and professional help. But in most cases, the disillusionment that couples feel comes from unintentional neglect, miscommunication, or drifting apart, not from irreparable harm. 

John and Amirah, married for 18 years, went through a season where John was travelling constantly for work, and Amirah felt like a single parent. Tensions simmered, and Amirah confided to a friend that she had looked up divorce lawyers.  

Thankfully, her friend gently challenged her: “Before you make a decision, have you told him how deeply you feel alone?” That conversation led to a marriage retreat, which opened the doors to therapy and eventually, healing. They didn’t just “fix” their problems, they re-established their connection. 

When we view marriage as a covenant—more than just a contract—we recognise that commitment is not about how we feel in any given moment. It’s about the choice to love, grow, and keep showing up.  

That kind of love doesn’t just survive the storms—it’s forged in them.

When do we seek help? 

If you’ve been thinking about divorce, especially repeatedly or with growing emotional pain, it may be a sign for you to slow down, reflect, and seek help. 

Here are some possible steps to consider: 

  • Talk to your spouse – Many times, one partner is silently suffering while the other is unaware. Honest conversations can open the doors to understanding and assurance. 
  • Reach out to a counsellor – Professional guidance provides a safe space to unpack resentment, clarify needs, and work toward long-term solutions. Marriage counselling isn’t just for troubled couples—it’s for any couple that wants to grow stronger. 
  • Speak to a trusted mentor or faith leader – Sometimes, an outside perspective from someone who knows both of you can offer wise, balanced advice that is rooted in love. 

Yes, it can be normal to have thoughts of divorce. But those thoughts don’t have to signal the end of a relationship. By facing up to issues honestly and seeking the right avenues of help, it can be the beginning of something new: a more honest, intentional, and enduring marriage. 

Even in the darkest moments, there is hope and there is help. And there is the possibility of rediscovering the love you thought you’d lost.

When Depression Hits: Supporting Your Spouse While Staying Afloat

Marriage is a beautiful journey, but it can also be challenging, especially when one partner is struggling with depression.  

In this article, we explore some practical ways to support your spouse while ensuring you stay sane in the process.  

We spoke with Eliza Gan, an Associate Counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore, who shared some ways to support your spouse while also remembering to care for yourself. 

Recognising burnout in yourself 

Supporting a spouse with depression can be emotionally taxing. It’s crucial to recognize the signs of burnout in yourself to maintain a healthy balance in your relationship. Eliza Gan highlights, “Caring for a spouse with depression is an act of love, but it can also take a toll on us emotionally.”  

Here are some telltale signs: 

Increased irritability is one of the first signs of burnout. “If you find yourself snapping more often at your spouse, kids, or coworkers, it might be a sign of burnout,” Eliza explains. Emotional and physical exhaustion is another indicator. Feeling constantly drained, having trouble sleeping, or experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues can indicate emotional strain. 

Another critical sign is the loss of self. “If your identity becomes solely wrapped up in being a caregiver, and you stop doing things that bring you joy, it’s time to take a step back,” Eliza advises. Cognitive overload, where you constantly worry about your spouse’s well-being and feel trapped, is also a significant warning sign. 

Increased irritability is one of the first signs of burnout. 

Taking the first steps 

Self-awareness is key to recognising your emotional limits before burnout sets in. Eliza emphasises, “Self-awareness helps you to notice when you’re running on empty, allowing you to respond with patience rather than frustration.” Here are some steps you can take: 

Firstly, seek support. Talk to a trusted friend or see a therapist. It’s essential to have someone to share your feelings with. Setting boundaries is also crucial. “Being there for your spouse doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs. Prioritise self-care without guilt,” Eliza advises. 

Rebuilding boundaries involves engaging in activities that recharge you, whether it’s social connections or personal hobbies. Shifting your perspective can also make a significant difference. Instead of thinking, “I have to fix this for my spouse,” try, “We are both adjusting and need to support each other.” This mindset fosters partnership rather than pressure. 

Self-awareness helps you to notice when you’re running on empty, allowing you to respond with patience rather than frustration. 

Building a strong foundation

A strong marriage foundation acts as a buffer during difficult times. Eliza shares, “Studies on what makes marriages thrive, even in difficult circumstances, show us very clearly that emotional connection, trust, and secure attachment are key.”  

Here are some ways to lay this foundation: 

Establish shared rituals of connection, such as regular date nights or daily check-ins. Building a culture of friendship and admiration is also vital. “Mutual respect and appreciation make it easier to extend understanding and patience,” Eliza notes. 

Trust and commitment are the bedrock of a strong marriage. Resist behaviours that erode trust, such as emotional withdrawal. Stay engaged and support each other. Nurturing emotional and physical intimacy is equally important. Regular expressions of affection and small acts of kindness contribute to higher relationship satisfaction. 

Invest in building a strong marriage before challenges hit. 

Facing depression together 

Depression doesn’t define your marriage. With the right support and practical habits, you can navigate these challenges together. Eliza encourages couples to “celebrate small wins and recognise progress, no matter how small.” Keeping communication open is crucial. “Even on tough days, keep saying, ‘I’m here. We are in this together,'” she advises. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Therapy, support groups, or faith communities can provide the strength you need. “Invest in building a strong marriage before challenges hit,” Eliza emphasises.