Resource Type: Articles

What No One Told You About the First Year of Marriage

“I hereby declare you husband and wife!” Ahhh, the phrase that every couple longs to hear as they tie the knot before their family and friends, followed by a rousing applause and celebration. What could go wrong? 

Ask any seasoned couples who are decades into their marriage, and they will tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest! Beyond the endless romance that many newlyweds fantasise about in the days leading up to their wedding, it’s a time of navigating the new roles and of a husband and wife, which often includes adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, routines, and quirks. 

As a newlywed myself, I sought advice from five people who got married within the last five years to glean their wisdom on thriving in the first year of marriage. Here are their top tips to make this journey (and that of other newlyweds) less painful: 

Our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. 

1. Develop conflict resolution skills 

The top tip from everyone I interviewed was learning how to communicate with your spouse and develop conflict resolution skills. 

Benjamin (married for 3 years) stressed the importance of better communication during disagreements, particularly when making joint decisions. He shared a significant disagreement in his first year of marriage: choosing a designer for their home renovations. What should have been a fun bonding activity turned into a misunderstanding that left both parties hurt and sour. 

Benjamin said, “My wife thought that I was too fixated on my designer of choice and wasn’t open to considering other designers, but I was trying to let her know that I was in fact still open to considering our other options. Even though my intentions were right, my wife shared that she didn’t feel that openness from me when we were talking through our options, and this came down to the way I had phrased some comments and opinions during our discussion.” 

Having good intentions isn’t enough; your spouse needs to perceive them as such. Beyond word choice, our non-verbal communication (tone, body language, facial expressions) can betray one’s intentions. 

Sharon (married for 2 years) added that our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. She shares how her family’s tradition of celebrating occasions with meals and gifts differed from her husband’s, leading to misunderstandings as she interpreted his lack of meals and gifts as a sign of disinterest or care for her.   

Natasha (married for 4 years) added that a victim mentality, often developed in childhood, can cause one to “project unnecessary blame” onto their spouse when there was no ill intent. 

Understanding that your family origins affect how you interpret your spouse’s actions can help you avoid misplaced blame. Instead, you can share vulnerably about how certain actions makes you feel, and allow space for your spouse to extend compassion on your story. 

It is not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse.

2. Respect individual differences 

Another common tip was reframing differences and disagreements not as dealbreakers, but as normal and expected. 

Natasha initially felt the need to agree on everything with her husband, fearing that disagreements meant something was wrong with her or the marriage. This caused undue stress as she tried to “fix herself” whenever they didn’t see eye to eye. Over time, however, she learnt that it was not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse, especially in matters where there is a difference in views and opinions. 

Kerin (married for 2 years) highlighted the discovery of new habits and routines after moving in together, from different approaches to household chores to minor things like “when to turn off a switch”. She shared, “Every day is like watching Discovery Channel – from dishes to laundry, routines to minor things, there were just so many occurrences where we had squabbles. But it was a very necessary journey as we progressed in adapting to doing this new life together and realised the need to adapt and give each other grace as we learn to live together.” 

The key to a thriving marriage is understanding and adapting to each other’s family backgrounds and personal habits. Talk about the habits you want to keep from your respective families and which you should change. Create a unique family culture of your own that you are proud of and agree with your spouse about. Remember, you don’t have to continue operating as you did in your family of origin! 

Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. 

3. Manage expectations and assumptions 

The final tip is to be slow to jump to assumptions and instead ask questions when something your spouse did or didn’t do causes discomfort.  

Susie (married for 1 year) realised in her first month of marriage her quickness to make assumptions about her husband often led to unfounded conclusions.  

For example, “If I were feeling down and my husband does not show concern, I quickly assume that he does not care about me. When he gets especially quiet, I assume that must be upset with me. In actual fact, these negative assumptions are not true.” Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. This proactive approach helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters better communication. 

This is especially true and crucial for newlywedded couples who are living with their in-laws. Sharon shared, “You cannot expect your partner to understand and communicate with your parents on the same level that you do. There are bound to be misunderstandings on both sides, and you have to mitigate and also protect both sides.” Managing expectations of our spouses is so crucial to avoiding unnecessary conflicts that creates tensions and disharmony in the marriage. 

By implementing these practical steps, newlyweds can navigate the first year of marriage more smoothly and build a strong foundation for the future. 

Here are the key, actionable tips from my conversations with the 5 interviewees:  

  1. Develop conflict resolution skills
    • Mind non-verbal cues: Ensure your tone, body language, and facial expressions align with your words. 
    • Acknowledge family backgrounds: Recognise and discuss how your family of origin influences your judgments and interpretations. 
    • Avoid misplaced blame: Recognise if a victim mentality affects your perceptions and share how your spouse’s actions affect you. 
    • Be open to each other’s stories: Listen without judgment and extend empathy and compassion. 
  1. Respect individual differences
    • Normalise disagreements: Understand that disagreements are normal and not dealbreakers. 
    • Have honest conversations: Focus on honest discussions and pure intentions, even when views differ. 
    • Adapt to new habits and routines: Learn to give each other grace as you adapt to living together. 
    • Create a unique family culture: Discuss which habits from your respective families you want to keep or change, and agree on a new family culture you both are proud of and agreeable to. 
  1. Manage expectations and assumptions
    • Ask questions instead of assuming: When something your spouse does or doesn’t do causes discomfort, ask questions instead of making assumptions. 
    • Voice your thoughts: Share your feelings directly instead of expecting your spouse to read your mind. 
    • Manage expectations with in-laws: Recognise that misunderstandings with in-laws are normal and work to mitigate them by protecting each other. 

*Some details and names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved.  

What to do when your marriage feels boring

“My marriage is going through the motions. It’s so boring.”

“I relish those times we had so much fun or excitement.”

“I wish there was more life in my marriage – right now, it’s just boring.”

Do any of these statements ring a bell? If so, you are not alone.

In the early stages of marriage, couples often feel excited or thrilled to be together, even when navigating the challenges of adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, temperaments, and quirks! As time passes, couples may feel as if their marriage has hit a “rinse and repeat” button, and keeping the spark alive can be a tall order. Without intentional effort to keep the spark alive, boredom soon sets in.

However, feeling bored in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. While there are seasons when you may feel like you’re stuck in a rut, boredom should not be a long-term trait in a healthy relationship.

“Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage.”

What are possible reasons for boredom in marriage? 

1. Predictability or familiarity  

Marriage can become predictable and repetitive. Seeing the same person every day and believing you know everything about your spouse can lead to feeling too comfortable and taking each other for granted.  

2. Being too busy 

Once you are married, there are new roles and responsibilities to navigate and adjust to. The focus on “you and me only” gradually shifts. Careers, work-related travels, children, and other obligations can take centre stage, leaving little time for each other. 

3. Lack of meaningful or deep conversations  

Communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Without making time to connect, you and your spouse will gradually drift apart and soon your relationship may lose its vitality and spark. 

4. Different interests and hobbies  

Your marriage can hit a rut when you and your spouse do not have common interests. While you may have separate interests and hobbies, it is necessary to also find activities you both enjoy doing together. This is a key ingredient that enables couples to bond and stick together for the long haul. 

 Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage, and take small steps to reignite the life and passion you once shared.  

“You affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them.”

What are strategies couples can consider to reignite the marriage flame? 

 1. Be proactive and intentional  

Boredom sets in when you stop being proactive or making the effort to tend and nurture the garden of your union. The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener in one’s marriage when it is watered with consistent, tender loving care.  

 2. Explore new things together 

If you and your spouse engage in the “same old, same old” shared activities, the lack of novelty or stimulation may have contributed to the boredom you experience. Consider breaking out of your routines and trying new things together, for example, volunteering at a soup kitchen, going for a couple spa or massage, or exploring the sights and sounds of a new neighbourhood. Novelty can reignite excitement and life into a marriage.   

3. Prioritise and pursue each other 

During courtship or the initial stages of marriage, your partner is high on your priority list, and you are pursuing each other regardless of your busy schedule. After you have successfully “won” each other, the pursuing often stops.  

If you want the fire in the relationship to be kept ablaze, you’ll need to continually pursue the heart of the love of your life, even amidst a busy schedule.  

4. Change how you think about your spouse and/or relationship 

Our thought patterns about marriage and our spouse can profoundly affect our love and feelings for our spouses.  

If you are inclined to focus on your spouse’s weaknesses, or you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship; you will experience a sense of dissatisfaction and become resentful that your needs and expectations are not met. Unwittingly, the relationship slides, and soon you and your spouse stop putting effort into the marriage. When this happens, the marriage stagnates.   

It has been said that what one focuses on grows. With this strategy, you affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them. This shift and change in perspective not only makes your spouse feel good about their strengths, but also helps them to grow and improve in their weaknesses over time. 

5. Get help or professional intervention  

Boredom is not a terminal condition, but can potentially be a threat to the relationship. This is particularly true if your feelings of boredom are linked with deeper issues, such as personal emotional baggage or unresolved issues in the relationship.  

Additionally, if persistent boredom results in a loss of interest in the relationship, it could be a sign of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety. It is helpful to approach a professional to talk things through and receive the appropriate guidance and help to address the underlying root issues.  

Regardless of how long you have been married, it is not uncommon to experience ups and downs in the relationship at one time or another. What is important is for couples to address and work through these obstacles together.  

Feeling bored doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship; it simply means you need to reconnect and rediscover the joy you once shared. 

Is Sex a Bad Word?

Sex should be associated with love, intimacy, commitment, but it has come to be associated with guilt and shame. How do we give our children a healthy understanding of sex? 

Primary years (7-9)

What happens when parents avoid talking about sex? 

Avoiding having conversations about sex tells your children that firstly, sex is a taboo topic, and it is embarrassing or even shameful to talk about. It also tells them that parents are not the people to talk to about sex, which may push them to learn about it from other potentially unreliable sources of information (eg. social media). This may lead your children to think about sex in ways that are unhelpful or untrue.  

At this tender age, you may want to approach the topic as a matter of fact, describing sex as “a natural process that happens between a man and woman when they are married, and it is how babies are created.”  

You should also refer to parts of the body related to sex using their accurate names (e.g., penis, vagina, womb) instead of using euphemisms.  

Through these actions, we show our children that sex is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We will also be  signalling to our kids that they can come to us if they have any questions.  

Tween years (10-12) 

By this stage, if you have not broached the topic of sex, it is likely that they’ve heard something about it from their classmates or friends. 

You may want to open up the conversation by asking them what they know about it. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex. For instance, if you come across a scene in a TV show or movie that portrays sex in a way that contradicts your values regarding sex, you can use this opportunity to share with your children your opinions and values. You can also start to introduce to your children the idea that sex is a good and beautiful part of marriage. 

By bringing these conversations up organically in everyday life, you create a culture of openness in the home, where such topics, widely deemed as sensitive, can be discussed regularly. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex.

Teen years (13-15) 

It is likely that your teen would have had some exposure to the topic of sex and sexual orientation.  

While it is important to warn your children of the dangers of sex in inappropriate contexts (e.g., unplanned pregnancies, teenage pregnancies, STIs and STDs, etc.), it is also equally important to talk about the positive aspects of sex when it is done in the appropriate context of marriage. 

Within marriage, sex is more than just an act of temporary sensual pleasure. It is an expression of a couple’s love and commitment to each other, which has the power to deepen the sense of safety and intimacy in the relationship.  

Highlighting the positive aspects of sex within marriage helps to correct the misconception that sex is taboo, while reinforcing the idea that sex within marriage is nature’s way of allowing for procreation.  

Ultimately, the key principle is to create a non-judgmental atmosphere where your children feel safe to talk about any topic in life, including sensitive topics like sex, and to share their feelings and concerns with you.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Motivate an Unmotivated Child

Parents would be familiar with the challenge of motivating their children toward learning. More specifically, the lack of motivation toward the things that require delayed gratification, such as completing their homework in a timely manner or preparing for upcoming assessments.  

Once getting them on task, the next challenge is helping them to stay motivated for the longer-term. And the question that all parents face is – how?  

Every child is a precious gift, with unique strengths and dispositions that call for more than a one-size-fits-all solution. As parents, we intuitively want to solve all our children’s problems to spare them the suffering, but what if it isn’t so much a problem to be solved quickly, but a challenge to be properly understood first?  

In this article, I suggest 4 general principles for helping our unmotivated child to become motivated and to stay motivated:

1. Begin with ourselves

For parents, the goal of helping our children to discover and sustain their motivation cannot be achieved without first taking a step in the right direction, which is to examine our own relationship with motivation, and checking that we’re modelling the best possible example authentically and consistently. Our children are always watching, observing, and imitating us, even when we least want them to. “Walking our talk” therefore requires that we regularly calibrate what’s in our hearts, for everything we do flows out of it.

Whether we prefer journaling or taking a slow walk in the outdoors, it helps to use simple reflective questions as regular “checkpoints”: 

  • What motivates me as a parent, and where does my motivation come from?  
  • What am I inspired by?  
  • How well do I model delayed gratification, and where can I do better?  
  • Why am I on this journey of motivating my child, and what is my end-goal? (more on this toward the end) 

Motivation comes from knowing that you are able to become better at what you are learning, academically or otherwise.  

2. Build our ‘trust capital’

 Have you noticed that your words land differently when you take on a caring, reconciliatory tone? This is the power of cultivating a trusting relationship with our children, one where they know we are their safe harbour. Even in their most trying moments, they feel safe to bare their hearts to us. This “trust capital” isn’t built overnight, however; it takes cumulative, consistent actions over a period of time. It’s the deeper “whys” of our child’s unmotivation we want to work on.  

For example, unmotivation can be due to repeated feelings of discouragement or defeats from our child’s lack of mastery in an area. In such cases, we can meet this need by intentionally looking out for and celebrating every bit of progress, followed by fine-tuning the next goal for them to ensure it is age-appropriate and achievable. Motivation comes from knowing that you are able to become better at what you are learning, academically or otherwise.  

I remember when my son would drag his feet to football lessons and show no interest toward it no matter how much we cheered him on. It turned out that he was overwhelmed by the significant difference in abilities between him and his peers, and had internalised the belief that he was simply not good enough. It took us some time to establish enough trust before he felt safe enough to open up. After he did so, we were able to address it immediately by switching him to another class that better matched his needs.   

 The deeper “why” can only be uncovered and addressed adequately if we share a deep, trusting relationship with our child.  

3. Include ‘fun’ in the everyday

Injecting moments of bite-sized fun into the everyday is likely to be more impactful than a once-in-a-while fun activity. As a family, what are some fun things you can do daily to inspire one another toward growth? Making it a family endeavour has the added bonus of forming deeper relationships. (Big Life Journal has some great ideas you can adapt for yours!)  

 Grocery shopping is my golden opportunity to engage my son in seeing real-life benefits to all his mathematical learning from school. I would set aside a budget for the grocery list, and we would hunt for the best deals together.  

 Besides doing simple additions and subtractions, he’s learnt to appreciate that divisions and multiplications are especially helpful in stretching our dollar, such as when there are bulk discounts. Apart from being a fun activity for us, any unused part of the budget also goes toward his savings, which motivates him toward becoming better at the numbers game.  

 Undeniably, our grocery trips end up taking time. But I’m assured that this investment of time toward our “trust capital” will yield its due rewards at some point.  

The purpose of explicitly modelling a healthy response to unmotivation is so that they are led to discover intrinsic motivation for themselves eventually; it is not for us to be their motivation. 

4. Keep the end in mind

As parents, we’re the ones with the knowledge and experience necessary to make decisions in the best interests of our child. Identifying the right goal starts with us being clear about our role – ultimately, we want to raise children who will grow into independently functioning adults. This may mean having to fight against the reflex to quickly swoop in and “rescue” our child from every unmotivation, and recognising that some struggles may be necessary and does not always mean we (or they) are failing.  

The purpose of explicitly modelling a healthy response to unmotivation is so that they are led to discover intrinsic motivation for themselves eventually; it is not for us to be their motivation. The former nurtures independent individuals with a growth mindset, while the latter creates dependent individuals. Since switching to a different football class, my son has been able to experience the intrinsic reward that comes from simply knowing that he is able to become better at the sport. He no longer needs repeated reminders to get ready for his training.  

The journey of motivating an unmotivated child is long-term, as different life stages of our child bring different challenges to be overcome together. However, the privilege of getting to do this with them in ways that no others can, keeps us going. 

Why Do We Keep Squabbling Over Nothing?

Have you ever got into a heated argument with your boy/girlfriend or spouse, and then looked back and thought, “What were we actually arguing about?” 

 

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. 

What Lies Behind These Petty Squabbles? 

At the heart of these seemingly small and insignificant conflicts is the basic human need to be seen and acknowledged. 

When we argue over “nothing,” what is often below the surface are feelings of being undervalued or unseen.  

It’s not about the socks left on the floor, but what those socks represent: perhaps there’s perceived imbalance in sharing household chores, or simply feeling unappreciated for what you do. 

 

Alicia Boo, Principal Counsellor of Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Small couple squabbles can sometimes be symptoms of larger issues in a relationship. It is important to look beneath the surface to explore our deeper needs and emotions that may not have been addressed.” 

 

Moreover, the fast-paced lifestyle and a highly stressful environment in Singapore can often exacerbate tensions over minor issues. 

 

As we find themselves struggling to connect or to share our deeper needs with our spouse due to a lack of time, every small irritation or tension can be further amplified, resulting in big and overwhelming feelings of being misunderstood or unloved. 

 

Active listening plays a crucial role here—and this involves more than just listening; it is about listening to understand the feelings and needs of the other person. 

 

Communication is Key

The cornerstone of navigating these minor conflicts lies in effective communication. It’s essential for us to learn how to be open about our feelings and perspectives, while keeping blame and harsh criticism out of the equation.  

Active listening plays a crucial role here—and this involves more than just listening; it is about listening to understand the feelings and needs of the other person. 

 

As Ms Boo explains, “By putting oneself in the other’s shoes, it becomes easier to understand their frustrations and respond in love and kindness. Practising empathetic listening can prevent many conflicts from escalating.” 

 

How to Fight and Stay in Love: Some Practical Strategies

  1. Pick your battles: Not every disagreement needs to be a battle. Sometimes, letting go of the small stuff can lead to greater peace and focus on what truly matters in the relationship. 
  2. Establish rituals of connection: Regularly set aside time to connect without distractions. Whether it’s a weekly date night or a brief coffee break together, these moments can build a buffer against the stress of daily life and reduce the likelihood of conflicts.
  3. Choose your words carefully: We all know that emotions can get high during fights, which is why it’s always important to make measured statements and give your partner calm responses. And to call for a time out if emotions get out of control. Remember, effective communication should be the cornerstone of every couple squabble.
  4. Use “I” statements: Frame your feelings and needs in terms of “I” rather than “you.” For example, saying “I feel overwhelmed when the living room is cluttered” instead of “You never clean up” can foster a more constructive conversation.
  5. Seek to listen to understand and resolve the issue: Remember that the goal of engaging in any conflict is to gain a deeper understanding of each other. If you direct your energy at identifying and resolving the issue, and not at hurting your partner’s feelings or proving that you’re right, you are on the right track.
  6. Make requests instead of complaints: Your message may be better received if you frame it as a request rather than a complaint. Instead of saying, “Why don’t you ever pick up your dirty socks and clothing,” try something like, “The bedroom is looking messy—can you remember to place your dirty laundry into the basket next time?”
  7. Consider professional help: If minor conflicts are frequent and damaging, it might be helpful to consult with a relationship counsellor. Professional guidance can provide tools and strategies to improve communication and resolve conflicts. 

It’s almost a given that petty squabbles will erupt at some point in a relationship—especially in marriage as we spend considerable amounts of time with our spouse. 

 

The good news is that conflicts can lead to greater understanding, if we learn to fight well, communicate with empathy, and commit to stay in love with the other person regardless of what has been said or done. 

5 Essential Tips for Dads Preparing for Parenthood

So you’re going to be a dad soon? Congratulations!!  

Wait, what’s that? You don’t know the first thing about being a dad? No sweat. I’m here to help. After all, I’ve been a father for 15 years now, the last six as a mostly stay-at-home dad. So I’m pretty sure I know a thing or two about parenting.  

Let me introduce you to some important survival tips you won’t get in most listicles about good parenting.  

But be warned. These ‘life-hacks’ I’m sharing might not be what you expect. And they might even make you shift uneasily in your seat.  

Ready? 

Let’s go! 

Tip #1 – Accept that you will never be fully prepared

Here’s the thing. There are truckloads of parenting guidebooks out there. Not to mention a universe of online materials to help all new and bewildered parents or parents-to-be. Everyone will purport to give you full-proof tips and suggestions on how to be the best parent you can be.

But before you go wading into that ocean of information, know this truth: none can tell YOU how best to parent YOUR child. 

Why is that? Simple. Every human being is unique. 

If you agree with that oft-touted statement that we’re all unique, then what makes you think a how-to book or parenting manual is going to tell you ALL you need to succeed as a parent? 

The reality is that you will never be fully prepared.  

Of course, there will be days you can look back and pat yourself on the back because you did prepare everything. But the truth about being a parent is, more often than not, you need to brace yourself for Murphy’s Law to strike when you least expect it! 

I hope that takes a load off your shoulders, and you don’t feel like you need to berate yourself when things (inevitably) unravel.  

Which brings me to… 

Tip #2 – Be ready to lose control…regularly! 

I’ve lost count of how many times, when my children were still babies and toddlers, that my wife and I would forget to pack extra snacks, toys, or wet wipes when we take them out. Or the baby pram just refuses to snap into position while the milk bottle leaks all over the diaper bag. 

Talk about losing control of the situation. And that’s just logistics! 

The kicker is when your little precious has a very public meltdown for one reason or another. It could be the hot weather. Unfamiliar environment. Even the irritating label on the back of his/her adorable onesie.  

Oh, and if you think that’s just the initial years of parenting, and that you will regain control once they are older…Oh well, why spoil the surprise for you, right? You’ll have more than enough on your plate very soon to find out for yourself (*quiet chuckle*). 

And that leads us to… 

Your kid is your ultimate guide. Watch him/her. Closely. Pay attention. Be present. And humble. 

Tip #3 – It’s okay to be ‘blur like sotong’

Ever seen a man looking like he just lost his car key, wallet, or (worse) his kid?! That was probably me. And yes, it’s true. I’ve lost all three before. More than once.

If ever there was a promotional poster for looking “blur like sotong,” I’ll be the face for the campaign!

You see, the look of confusion or losing your grip on things often, is a default look on many new dads. After all, this whole parenting thing is like new territory for the intrepid explorer. Except there are no maps, employment manuals or Parenting For Dummies Guidebook (well there is actually, but trust me, it isn’t much help!)  

And here’s the rub. 

There still won’t be any useful guides even when your kids move into the tumultuous teenage years (which, trust me, by then you would be desperate for guidebooks!). 

But you know what?  

As you bash through the parenting jungle of life to find answers, or simply a way out of your daily confusion, your kid is your ultimate guide. Watch him/her. Closely. Pay attention. Be present. And humble.  

Learn from them, and persevere. 

You will discover how to parent well while you’re “on the job”. Stuff no guru (including *cough cough* me) can ever tell you.

The single greatest portal to self-awareness and transcendence for any individual is the passage of parenthood.

Tip #4 – The parenting journey’s more about you than your kid!

Now that I’ve lived for over half a century, I can confidently tell you the single greatest portal to self-awareness and transcendence for any individual is the passage of parenthood.

How so? 

Here are just two of many examples from my own life as a father.

The first example had to do with my innate discomfort around children, right up into my early 30s. 

Back then, children seemed unpredictable, noisy and totally unmanageable to me. So during my initial years of marriage, I was happy not having any of my own. That changed when my wife was expecting my eldest of two boys. Suddenly I became curious about other people’s kids and found myself seeking opportunities to interact with them. 

Perhaps it was my subconscious nudging me to dress rehearse for “opening night”! Whatever it was, I gradually warmed up and engaged with babies and kids in ways I never imagined possible before.

The second example was when my firstborn (then 20 months old) got trapped in my master bedroom, no thanks to a faulty door. 

When all else failed to set him free, yours truly turned into Spiderman (sans sticky palms and feet), crossed from the adjacent bedroom window into the master bedroom window, while dangling over 30 metres above ground in our eighth-floor HDB apartment. With no harness or safety net! 

Whilst you’ll never catch me doing such a maniacal act of heroism again, that experience taught me that I’m capable of overcoming my fear of heights. Especially when the wellbeing of my flesh and blood was at stake. 

Which brings me to my final tip… 

Tip #5 – Parenting makes you see the world (and yourself) in a whole new light 

In my journey as a parent, I’ve learned to see the old and familiar afresh. All thanks to my best teachers — my children! 

For instance, observing and marvelling with my son how ants move in a neat line on the ground and realising for the first time how much they look like soldiers falling into line. Or how while cloud-watching, my son taught me to see beyond mere shapes and to look for unicorns or unicycles.  

Parenting has taught me to slow down and look at things as though for the first time. To appreciate the wonders and marvels of nature and life through the pure and innocent eyes of my kids. 

And that perhaps is the ultimate reward of parenting. To have a second chance at seeing life anew and in unexpected ways. 

Okay, new or soon-to-be daddy.  

These tips should get you strapped and ready to be your kid’s favourite rock star! Now, your fathering journey’s about to begin.  

It’s time to step up for the ultimate marathon of your life. 

I’ll see you at the finish line. 

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

3 Myths to Debunk Before Marriage

Getting married is a big milestone for every couple. It is the beginning of a union where two very different people enter a covenant to do life together – “till death do us part.” While couples relish in the glitz and glamour of the wedding celebration, there are also some key areas for consideration to ensure that the marital journey ahead will be less bumpy.  

Here are three myths surrounding marriage that we should be aware of, even as we plan towards saying “I do.” 

Myth: We must secure a BTO before our wedding

My personal experience: 

The first question for many couples is where they should live. The default option for young couples who are fairly new in the workforce is to get a BTO (Build-to-Order) flat. It allows them time to save up for the downpayment and renovation works, and places the least strain on their income.  

However, the downside to BTOs is the long waiting time of between three to five years. It means that the couple would either marry later, rent a unit, or live with their parents or in-laws.  

My husband and I chose the latter; we decided to stay with his family because we wanted to save on rent. However, I had to prepare myself mentally as conflict with my in-laws would be inevitable during my three-year stay simply because we have different backgrounds and upbringing. 

It was a reminder that my husband’s family is now my family, and vice versa. 

It was indeed difficult to find common ground at times, but I felt that staying with my in-laws also helped me to understand them more. I learnt how to communicate better with them and show love in personal and tangible ways. It was a reminder that my husband’s family is now my family, and vice versa.  

Additionally, I saw my husband’s lifestyle and habits when I stayed with his family. I could understand why he did things in certain ways that were very different from mine. I then knew what to expect when we had our own house; and true enough, his lifestyle was 100% transferred over to our new home! 

Through this, I learnt that it is still viable to get married before owning our own home. A good guideline for couples is to consider their financial state at that time and how it would evolve when their keys are ready. It would not be wise to deplete all your savings post-renovation because running the household involves regular expenses as well. Couples should aim to live as comfortably as possible without incurring high levels of debt, so that they can prioritise their marital relationship in the first few years. 

Myth: Household chores must be shared 50-50 

My personal experience: 

Household chores form a subtle yet big part of married life; there just seems to be an unending list of tasks involved in upkeeping a home. A lot of time and energy is often required to tackle these chores, and unhappiness over this area can be a threat to our marriage if we are not careful. 

My husband and I split our chores according to our strengths – it is easier to do the things we are good at.

We often hear people say that household chores should be split 50-50, and it does sound logical and fair for both parties to equally contribute to the home. However, there is a better way to look at this, a marriage-friendly way. 

My husband and I split our chores according to our strengths – it is easier to do the things we are good at. We also prioritised the chores that needed to be done in terms of frequency and urgency before dividing them between us.  

There should also be a mutual understanding that exceptions may occur, like when one person falls sick, must work overtime or is in a busy season. In such circumstances, there needs to be more appreciation and understanding on the part of the other spouse. We learnt to view ourselves as a team, rather than competitors seeking to outdo each other. We should aim to help each other succeed. 

Myth: Children are very expensive to upkeep

My personal experience: 

Shortly after getting married, couples are often asked the golden question, “When are you guys planning to have kids?” Raising children is a heavy responsibility. With today’s rising costs of living, competitiveness of society, and exposure to conflicting parenting advice everywhere, parenting can seem like a tough feat not for the faint-hearted. 

But children are also gifts given to us as precious lives to be nurtured and loved. My husband and I love children, and we think that having children adds a different dimension to our marriage. We get to experience family life beyond just ourselves.  

There are definitely sacrifices to be made, especially in the early years, but the hope I hold on to as a young parent is that these will pass. All the inconveniences and even discomfort of caring for young children will one day make way for the satisfaction and joy of seeing our children become responsible and caring adults. 

Ensuring that there is proper planning and a solid community that you can turn to will help you make an informed choice regarding children. Understanding your current financial state and talking to other parents about what to expect in the early years of parenting will give you a better idea of what is to come. Even better if you can visit family or friends with young children to observe how parenting is like in real time! 

There are days when I look back at our decisions in these areas and wonder if my husband and I had made wise choices. On some days I feel regret, and on other days I feel these were our best decisions ever!  

Marriage is an adventure; it involves challenges and risks but also much growth and wonder. And as we question some of these common assumptions surrounding marriage, may we find new ways to manage our own expectations and carve our own pathways forward.

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Should I Let My Child Go for a Sleepover?

Is your child requesting for a sleepover at a friend’s house? What considerations should you have before immediately agreeing or disagreeing to the request? How can you prepare your child when they are away from you? 

Primary to tweens (7-12)

Sleepovers can be exciting and memorable for young children as they imagine being able to stay up late into the night and spending extended time with their pals.

Instead of immediately approaching your child’s friend’s parents to find out about the sleepover arrangements, have a conversation with your child first. Find out who initiated the sleepover, what is the occasion for the sleepover, who else is invited, and what the sleeping arrangements will be like.

Involving your child in this decision process not only empowers them, but it also helps them understand the considerations you have for their safety.

Consider these additional questions:

  • How well do you know the parents of your child’s friends?
  • Who will be supervising the sleepover?
  • What activities have been planned?
  • What are the guidelines on the types of media that can be consumed in their homes?

If you decide to allow your child to go for the sleepover, it is essential to prepare them for various scenarios. These can range from sleeping in an unfamiliar environment, feeling afraid of the dark without their comfort item, and knowing how to handle situations they are uncomfortable with.

Instruct your child that children should not have to keep secrets that break body safety rules and what is a good touch and bad touch. Assure them that you can always be reached, and go through with them on how they can contact you.

If you are uncomfortable for your child to go for a sleepover, express your concerns to your child in a calm and empathetic manner. Avoid instilling fear or paranoia which may send a message of distrust for their friend and family members. Instead focus on explaining your reasons for their safety and well-being when they are away from you.

Teen years and late teens (13-18) 

In their early and late teens, your child would be better equipped to identify threatening behaviours and situations. However, it is still important for us to ensure their well-being and safety. The fact that they are asking you for permission shows they respect you and value your guidance.

However, teens are also more susceptible to peer pressures and may sometimes behave in ways that go against their usual behaviours in their desire to fit in with their peers. It is therefore crucial to lay down limits and boundaries if you grant your teen permission for sleepovers. This includes setting curfew time, behavioural guidelines and clearly out-of-bound areas such as consuming alcohol and smoking/vaping.

Roleplay with your teen on how they can gently but firmly excuse themselves from participating in activities they are uncomfortable with. Together with your teen, come up with some safety words or codes they can use to text you if they need you to pick them up immediately. Assure them that no questions will be asked if they are not ready to talk about it.

Consider these additional questions:

  • Does everyone sleep in the same room or separate rooms?
  • Is there any sharing of bed?
  • Will there be friends of the opposite sex at the sleepover?
  • What will you do if alcohol or cigarettes/vapes appear unexpectedly?
  • What are they planning to do?

Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

It is generally advisable to avoid sleepovers involving friends of the opposite sex, especially at an age when your teen is starting to be curious about sex. Encourage your teen to think critically about the reasons behind your family’s guidelines rather than simply imposing them.

You can explain your family’s stand on this matter and discuss how sleepovers with the opposite sex can potentially lead to unintended and compromising situations. Your priority is to help them understand the importance of respecting boundaries and avoiding potentially complicated situations.

Coach them to consider situations that may come up unexpectedly to start practicing more independence and accountability, instead of simply exercising control over them. Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Trusting the Process in Motherhood

The feeling you get when you cradle your newborn and take in every tiny detail of his/her little face. The amazement and excitement of witnessing your child’s firsts. The way your heart swells with pride when you look at the person they are growing into. 

Being a mother is one of the most unique experiences in this world, special in every way – even in the way it grows and challenges you. 

Your baby is still waking multiple times at night. Your toddler seems to be endlessly whiny and refuses to obey your instructions. Your primary schooler cannot seem to get that math concept right no matter how many times you try to explain it. 

You’re tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. It constantly feels like things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You’re going through the motions, and it never feels like enough. 

As tough as it may be to see beyond this current season, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time. 

In the sowing and the waiting, what does it mean to trust the process? 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations – and in place of that, have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. In its time, it will culminate into something beautiful. 

While that can sound scary, learning to trust the process is an important mindset to have while journeying through the unchartered waters of motherhood and all it entails. By shifting your focus away from the things that cannot be controlled, it takes off burdens that we often unknowingly and unnecessarily carry, so that we can focus on what and who truly matter. 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. 

What it looks like to trust the process in motherhood: 

1. Embrace the uniqueness of your journey 

Drawing comparisons is a surefire way to discourage ourselves. Consciously or subconsciously, we find ourselves looking at other kids’ developmental progress and behaviour, and how other mums seem to be coping – and use that as a yardstick for how we are doing in our own journey of motherhood. 

Often, this can leave us feeling demoralised about the ways we are bringing up our own children, wondering if we are doing what is “right” for them. 

While there may be some basic and helpful principles in parenting, there is no manual that comes with the role. As with all human interactions and relationships, there is no guarantee that doing A would result in B. 

Every child, every mum and every relationship is different; what works well for one child may end up being the most unhelpful approach when it comes to another. 

Your story and journey are distinctly yours, and it is only when we start to appreciate our uniqueness and that of our children that we see the beauty of being content with our own special journey of growth.  

You are the mum your child needs. 

2. Show yourself grace 

Let’s admit it: We are works-in-progress, and will always be. 

We know that there is no perfect mother and no motherhood journey free from challenges, yet we can be so quick to beat ourselves up for our mistakes or when the guilt of not doing enough for our kids creeps in. 

Whether it came in the form of snapping at your child when they asked, “Why?” for (what felt like) the hundredth time in a day or feeling bad about leaving the room the very second before your baby falls off the bed, we have our share of regrets when it comes to being a mum. 

Even then, every impatient and harsh response can be an opportunity to seek forgiveness, every moment of failure a chance to reflect, and each desperate cry for a breather a reminder that we are human. While these experiences are uncomfortable and painful, they are opportunities for growth, shaping our character and the relationship we share with our kids. 

Being a mother is no easy feat. It demands a lot—if not all—of who we are, and there is room to show yourself compassion as you grow with grace. 

Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

3. Play the long game

Motherhood is a ride for the long haul and some seasons are going to be more challenging than others – the first few weeks without the confinement nanny, having two under 3, a child’s adjustment to primary school, relational struggles with your teen; all on top of personal struggles. 

At the lowest points of your journey, it can be tempting to quiet-quit and give up trying. 

The growth mindset would argue that these situations are opportunities to build resilience, learn and become better versions of ourselves. Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

To make the most of every season and to keep growing as a mum, we have to hold onto hope when we are in the trenches – and tell ourselves that, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes, before we know it, our child finally learns to soothe themselves back to sleep, or begin to read independently, or be potty-trained. Growth will spring forth in time to come. 

4. Celebrate growth 

A friend of mine frequently fretted over how frequently she would blow her top at her kids. When one day quite suddenly she realised that even when she had let out a few harsh words, she was able to pause mentally and physically, walk around the kitchen a few times while breathing to regain her calm, and then return to the scene a lot more in control of her emotions. 

It did not happen overnight and it certainly is nowhere near perfection. But trusting the process means believing that over time, there is some form of growth in the journey – even if it occurs it shows in ways you don’t expect. 

Whether it has got to do with your child’s developmental journey and meltdown frequency, or your level of patience and choice of response, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Compared to a week/month/half a year/one year ago, what changes are visible? 
  • Apart from this challenge, how else have I/my child grown? 

As you learn to celebrate both the small and big milestones in you and your young ones’ journey, you may find the assurance and encouragement that you need to take the next step, and then the next. 

 The burdens a mum bears are heavy and circumstances can be challenging, but when we take a step back and consider how far you’ve come, it shifts our perspective of the difficulties we face in the process. 

If you find yourself dutifully watering and tending to a seed in the soil but can’t quite see any growth above the surface, remember that roots need time to grow deep. As the plant grows, there will be seasons of weeding, of pruning, and seasons where it flowers and bears fruit. 

Signs of growth—both in your children and in you—will sprout all in good time. 

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee.

From 3 to 13 May 2024, join us in encouraging mums of their growth in their precious journey of motherhood. Find out more at www.family.org.sg/AllinGoodTime. 

Triggers: A Fertile Ground to Cultivate Intimacy

“Hey, why not we just have the night banquet in your home? After all, there’s enough space, and we can cut cost on renting an event’s space”. 

“You didn’t even ask me what I want for the banquet! Yes, you have your own idea of what that day will look like, but I have mine too, you know?! If we were to have it in my home, I will feel the need to host people. It’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be hosting people!” 

What was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon of planning for our night banquet quickly turned into a tense, sour moment for my fiancée and I.  

Triggers.  

Every couple is familiar with them. As intimacy deepens, so does the potential for triggers to arise when unspoken expectations or needs aren’t fulfilled. These triggers can surface when certain aspects of the past or deeply held beliefs come into play within the relationship.  

Definition of emotional triggers:

  • An event, experience, object, or people that spark an intense emotional reaction.  
  • The cause for emotional triggers is often rooted in early childhood experiences, where an unpleasant event or difficult experience left core needs unmet, and the resulting pain was left unprocessed by our caregivers.

As an adult, we experience certain situations that remind us of some of these painful early experiences. Our bodies re-live these painful moments, and it triggers these negative reactions.  

Triggers with your partner are opportunities for either deep disconnection and pain, or deep healing and growth. The outcome depends primarily on how these moments are processed with our partner.  

How can we reframe triggers as not something to be avoided, but something to be anticipated, perhaps even embraced? How can triggers be a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom with your partner? Here are two simple steps: curiosity, and compassion.

While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. 

Practise curiosity 

Triggers are moments for your partner and you to extend curiosity on your past. While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. Making peace looks like courageously revisiting those memories, and releasing the hurts, pain, and anger associated with those memories. It’s releasing the people whom we want to hold responsible for what happened to us. 

Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk wrote in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “When we cannot find a way to make our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations part of a consistent narrative, we become overwhelmed by our inner experiences and react as though we are facing an outside threat.”  

  1. In moments of triggers, allow yourself to practise curiosity and awareness of your thoughts, memories, emotions, and physical sensations. 

     

  2. Then, share vulnerably what’s happening internally with your partner, by narrating what you are feeling inside. 

     

  3. Allow yourself to sit with the mix of emotions, whether it’s pain, hurt, anger, sadness, fear, or shame. Write them down on paper.

     

  4. Release these painful memories and emotions in your heart, and allow your partner to witness you. 

     

  5. Once you have shared your inner experience with your partner, allow him to extend compassion on what you’ve just shared. 

     

  6. This can look like being silently present with you, giving you a reassuring hug or squeeze of your hands, or simply nodding his head with care and empathy. 

Continuing the example from above, this was what my partner responded to me after she calmed down:

“Sorry for losing my cool with you earlier. I understand and see your heart for cost-savings, but could you give me the space to share what was happening to me internally earlier?” 

“When you suggested to have the wedding banquet at my home, my body started to become flooded with a rising hot feeling in my belly. I started to feel so angry, because I had the expectation that you would consider my opinion on the matter. I felt so unseen and uncared for, and suddenly it felt as if I was a little girl again. 

When I was younger, I grew up with three highly opinionated siblings. My parents always had a hard time, even for something as simple as choosing a dine-out place, my three siblings always insisted on their choice. I didn’t want to add to their stress, so I didn’t voice my opinion, even though deep down I always wondered, ‘How about me? When is it my turn to choose?’. I became quieter and quieter. I learned that to be accepted in my family, I would have to be invisible. To not voice my needs and desires. I hated it, but I chose to do it because it was what I needed to not make life harder for my parents.” 

Sharing our internal process with someone trustworthy allows us to heal. Brené Brown wrote in her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. 

Allow your partner to extend compassion on your story  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. It’s to see the pain we have experienced mirrored in the eyes of our partner—and to unlearn the lie from our childhood that we are uncared for.  

From my response of compassion, my fiancée learns that she is not invisible; she is seen and loved and her needs matter to me. She can voice her opinion of how she envisions the night banquet to be, and not be dismissed for her desires. Her vulnerability also gives me the opportunity to empathise and feel with her. Mother Theresa aptly said, “The eyes of the compassionate bring healing and restoration to the broken.” 

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. 

 

When we are able to courageously acknowledge what happened to us, and allow another to enter into our story and empathise with our pain, a deep bond of trust is built that is unparalleled.  

This is how triggers become a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom, not a landmine to be tip-toed around.  

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. Our intimate, safe relationships in adulthood is an opportunity to heal and find closure for these painful experiences, and to build new beliefs. As you practise curiosity in moments of triggers, and allow your partner to extend compassion on your story, may you experience deeper healing, intimacy, and freedom in your life. 

*Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved.