Resource Type: Articles

How Will Opposite-Sex Friendships Affect My Marriage?

Does marriage mean we should start weaning off our friendships with people of the opposite sex? When you’re married, such friendships may be tricky to navigate and can become a potential conflict area. While it is alright to maintain opposite-sex friendships while married, it does take maturity, open communication, and clear boundaries to ensure both spouses feel comfortable and secure. 

The potential dangers of close opposite-sex friendships 

It’s easy to think, “We’re just friends — there’s nothing wrong with that.” But emotional connections can deepen quietly over time, and what starts as innocent can subtly begin to affect your marriage. 

  1. Potential for jealousy and insecurity 

Take married couple Ben and Joanne, for instance. Ben often had lunch with a female colleague, who was also his gym buddy. It was all professional at first — until Joanne noticed how often her name came up in conversations. She started feeling uneasy when Ben laughed at his colleague’s texts late at night. Even though nothing romantic was happening, Joanne’s discomfort grew because the friendship was taking emotional space in Ben’s life that she felt should belong to their marriage. 

When one spouse feels uncomfortable or left out, that feeling deserves respect — not dismissal. It’s not so much about controlling friendships as much as it is about protecting the emotional security of the marriage. 

  1. Emotional closeness can shift away from your spouse

Rina, a working mum friend, once confided that she often texted a male coworker when she felt stressed about work. “He just gets me,” she said. Over time, she realised she was sharing things with him that she hadn’t shared with her husband in months. The more she relied on her friend emotionally, the more distant she felt from her spouse.  

Such emotional intimacy can be just as damaging as a physical affair. Marriage thrives when your spouse remains your first go-to for comfort and connection, rather than someone else. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “The danger comes when married individuals are not careful and meet their needs for emotional intimacy primarily outside of the marriage, opening their marriage to the risk of emotional infidelity.”  

  1. Blurred boundaries are problematic

Most emotional affairs don’t start with intent — they start with companionship that may inadvertently turn into emotional dependency. When someone outside your marriage begins meeting needs your spouse should meet — listening deeply, affirming you, or spending increasing time with you — you may unknowingly cross a line. The danger isn’t just in what’s done, but in what’s shared. 

Principles for maintaining healthy opposite-sex friendships 

Opposite-sex friendships can exist in healthy ways, but they must be built on trust and transparency. Dr Jared Tan says, “Married individuals can and should enjoy both a healthy marriage and other friendships when they are honest with themselves, and able to discern and navigate healthy boundaries and differences between a spousal relationship and friendship.” 

Here is how you can protect both your marriage and your integrity: 

  1. Be transparent and honest

If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your spouse about a lunch, message, or outing — that’s a red flag. If one might delete WhatsApp messages to avoid an argument with their spouse, it may be telling that the friendship may be crossing emotional lines. Transparency doesn’t mean oversharing every detail, but it does mean being open and accountable. 

If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Keep communication open with your spouse

Talk honestly about what both of you are comfortable with. Some spouses are fine with one-on-one coffee catchups; others aren’t. We have to accept that our spouses may have different comfort levels from us. What matters is respecting each other’s boundaries. If your spouse expresses discomfort, don’t label it as jealousy — see it as a desire to protect the marriage. 

  1. Agree on clear boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect your marriage and your reputation. For instance: 

  • Avoid late-night chats or frequent private texting. 
  • Do not share your marital frustrations with the friend. 
  • Choose group settings instead of private one-on-one hangouts. 

Think of boundaries not as restrictions, but as guardrails — they keep your marriage safe and steady. 

  1. Ask honest questions about your friendship. 
  • Is this friendship helping or hurting my marriage? 
  • Would I be alright with my spouse having a similar friendship? 
  • Am I turning to this friend for emotional needs my spouse should be meeting? 
  • Would I be embarrassed if my spouse saw my messages or heard our conversations? 

If any answer stirs discomfort, it’s worth stepping back to re-evaluate. 

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

Keep your marriage the priority 

Friendships are a blessing — but your marriage must always remain the top priority. If a friendship begins to cause tension, secrecy, or create distance between you and your spouse, it’s time to redefine it or step away. 

A wise older couple shared this rule of thumb: “If it would make our marriage weaker, it’s not worth keeping as it is.” In the end, the goal isn’t to cut off all opposite-sex friends, but to manage those friendships with integrity and transparency. When both partners feel secure and respected, opposite-sex friendships can exist without harm.  

Your marriage is your most intimate friendship — protect it, nurture it, and let every other relationship take its rightful place around it. 

When Our Sexual Desires Don’t Match

“Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.” Whether you agree with this statement or not, sex is an important component of marriage. Yet, it is a piece of the puzzle that doesn’t always fit neatly. 

In marriage, two very different people bring their own beliefs, idiosyncrasies, preferences and upbringing into a most intimate relationship. How each person views, values and desires sex can be very different, affecting marriage in myriad ways. It is easy to have romanticised views of sex, thinking that sex in marriage is highly desirable and should come easily and naturally. However, reality often tells a different story. 

Variations in sexual desires

A person’s level of sexual desire is not necessarily constant throughout marriage and can be influenced by many different factors. These can include: 

Physical factors: Health issues, pregnancy, menopause, sexual dysfunction like vaginismus (a condition where the vagina involuntarily tightens, preventing penetration) or erectile dysfunction (the inability to achieve and maintain an erection for intercourse). 

Emotional and psychological factors: Depression, anxiety, stress, past traumas, cultural values and attitudes regarding sex. 

Life stages: Having children, loss of a job or being in the midst of changing jobs, ageing. 

Mismatched sexual desires

It is also common for couples to experience mismatched sexual desires due to differing expectations regarding frequency (how often a spouse desires sex) or type of intimacy (the kind of sexual activity a spouse would like or be willing to engage in).  

When sexual desires are mismatched, it can cause strain and tensions to arise in a marriage. A spouse may feel rejected, misunderstood, judged or neglected. If couples do not know how to or are unable to communicate how they feel, it can be very isolating and can cause one to feel unheard and unloved.  

A vicious cycle emerges where a lack of emotional connection hinders physical intimacy which widens the emotional gap, causing husband and wife to grow apart. 

What can be done

Communicate your feelings 
Be willing to express how you feel about your current situation. We cannot assume that our spouses know how we are feeling. Speak and listen without judgement, with the intention of wanting our marriages to thrive and flourish, not to point fingers or cast blame.  

Reconnect emotionally

Take the effort to spend quality time with each other and do things that you enjoy together. Appreciate one another and be interested in each other’s lives. Assure each other of your commitment and desire to grow together through the challenges. Emotional connection can rekindle physical intimacy.  

Talk about sex

Sex may be a taboo subject for some people in certain circles. But the more we talk about sex in marriage, the clearer it is for spouses to understand where each person is coming from. When couples are vague or indirect about their sexual needs or feelings, the issue can be left unresolved and made even more confusing or hurtful for either person. 

Talking about what each person enjoys and prefers in sex can be enlightening and helpful as you explore sex together as a couple. Such conversations may not come naturally, so it is important to be kind and patient in gently encouraging each other to express oneself. Instead of using negative words like “You never touch me”, speak positively: “I like it when you do this”.  

Be understanding and compromise

Love is being willing to do what is best for the other. In marriage, there will always be occasions where we must compromise and be willing to meet halfway for the sake of the other. Someone with low sexual desire can choose to still engage in sex, and someone with high sexual desire can choose not to impose their expectations on their partner. 

Schedule sex

Sex need not always be spontaneous. We can plan for it just like how we plan for a date. This helps couples work around schedules and ensure they have time and energy for sex. It also allows couples to have something to look forward to and prepare themselves physically, mentally and emotionally.  

Set the mood

Foreplay is also an important part of sex. Setting the mood, helping around the house, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving a massage are all helpful ways to prepare our bodies for sexual pleasure.

With communication, empathy and compromise, you can create a safe space to talk through differences and work out what an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life might look like for both of you. 

In some cases where mismatched sexual drives have become too distressing in marriage, it may be necessary and beneficial to consult marriage counsellors or professionals in sexual health. You do not have to suffer alone. These professionals will be able to give you insights and strategies that can lead to healing and restoration in your marriage. Their counsel may enable you to enjoy the fullness of physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage.  

Marriage Counselling: When to Seek Help and What to Expect

When Sarah and Daniel* finally sat down in their first marriage counselling session, the silence between them was louder than words. They weren’t fighting anymore—not because things had improved, but because they’d both stopped trying. The spark had fizzled, replaced by a quiet detachment. 

Sarah felt like she was doing everything alone. Daniel felt like he couldn’t do anything right. They weren’t sure what they needed, but Sarah thought she wanted out. 

Their story isn’t unique. Many couples wait until they’re at their wits’ end before seeking help. But marriage counselling isn’t just for couples on the brink of divorce. While it can be a lifeline, it probably should be a regular check-up on your marital health, a safe space to reconnect and talk about sensitive issues, and a way to strengthen and future-proof your marriage. 

When should you consider counselling? 

Here are some signs it might be time to talk to someone:

  1. You’re stuck in the same argument loop

It starts with a sock on the floor and ends with someone sleeping on the couch. If you find yourselves rehashing the same fights with no resolution, it might be time to bring in a neutral party. 

  1. You feel more like housemates than soulmates

If your conversations revolve solely around groceries, bills, and who’s picking the kids up from tuition, it could be a sign that you have lost emotional connection to each other.   

  1. You’re navigating a major life change

Whether it’s a new baby, a job loss, or moving in with the in-laws, big transitions can shake even the firmest foundations. 

  1. Trust has been broken

Infidelity, secrecy, or even just a growing emotional distance can erode trust. Rebuilding it takes time—and often, a professional counsellor can offer support and guidance in navigating the hurt, anger and unforgiveness. 

  1. You’ve thought about giving up

If the idea of separation has crossed your mind more than once, it’s worth exploring those feelings in a safe, guided environment.  

How to make counselling work for you 

  1. Be open and honest
    It’s tempting to shove things under the carpet just to avoid conflict and pain, but real change starts with showing up honestly and with authenticity.
  1.  Do away with the blame game
    Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when…” It’s amazing how much tone can shift a conversation.
  1. Stick with it
    Practicing the skills learnt in sessions might feel awkward. That’s okay. Like any new habit, it takes time to feel natural.
  1. Find the right fit
    Not every counsellor will be the right match, and that’s perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid to try a few until you find someone both of you feel comfortable with.
  1. Celebrate small wins
    Maybe you had a tough conversation without yelling. Or you made each other laugh again. These moments may be small in the grand scheme of things but they matter.

What happens in a counselling session? 

Let’s first debunk a common myth about counselling. Counselling isn’t about sitting in a room while a stranger tells you who’s right and who’s wrong, or what to do next. It’s more like having a coach who can help you both play on the same team again. 

Here’s what you can expect: 

  • A safe space to talk 
    The counsellor is there to listen—without taking sides. They’ll help you both feel heard and understood, even when emotions run high. 
  • Guided conversations 
    You’ll explore what’s really going on beneath the surface. Sometimes, it’s not about the dishes, it’s about feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed. 
  • Practical tools 
    You’ll learn how to communicate better, manage conflict, and rebuild trust. Think of it as relationship rehab—with some new tools in the toolbox to practise loving each other again. 
  • Progress, not perfection 
    Some couples see changes quickly; others take time. The key is showing up, being honest, and doing the work. 

It’s okay to ask for help 

In a culture that often prizes privacy and self-reliance, seeking counselling can feel like admitting defeat. But it’s actually the opposite. It’s saying, “Our marriage matters enough to fight for.” 

Sarah and Daniel? They’re still figuring things out. But now, they’re doing it together—with more grace, more understanding, and yes, even a few laughs along the way. 

So if you’re wondering whether it’s time to seek help, consider this your gentle nudge. You don’t have to wait for a crisis. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do for your marriage is to ask for help before things fall apart. 

If you’re facing challenges in your marriage, and would like to seek help and support, we’re here to walk with you. Book a session today and begin your journey towards positive and lasting relationship change.  

Co-Parenting with Purpose

When a marriage breaks up, many shared hopes and dreams end abruptly as well. Yet for children affected by divorce, the need for love, protection, and guidance from both parents remains unchanged. While your role as a spouse may have concluded, your role as a parent continues. Co-parenting, for the sake of your children’s well-being, is a commitment that deserves ongoing effort.

Putting aside personal pain 

For Ethan*, whose marriage ended just before Covid, the gamut of emotions ran from fear to doubt. However, instead of withdrawing, he focused on staying present for his son. 
 
“What’s best for my son?” was the biggest question on Ethan’s and his wife’s mind as they finalised the divorce. Being able to move pass themselves to thinking about their son helped create a common goal for them to work towards.  
 
Ethan shared that both sides of the family are still on good terms with each other despite the differences that resulted in the divorce. This means that no bad-mouthing gets in the way of the shared goal of creating for a safe environment for their son.  
 
Love for the family can still flourish, “even if the family looks different now”, said Ethan.  
 
This protects your child’s wellbeing since it is difficult for them to listen to criticism about the parents they love. If you speak ill of your ex-spouse, it creates confusion and strife for your child who would struggle to understand why one parent speaks harshly about the other. Your child may also feel like they must choose one or protect another. It can be very stressful and is not something any child should have to attempt.  
 
Even if your ex-spouse has new romantic interests, your role is to “face these moments with maturity and resilience” instead of transferring your opinions and emotions to your child. 
 
Community is also a powerful game-changer. After all, parenting as a married couple can already feel all-consuming – balancing work, home responsibilities and meeting emotional, educational and daily needs of our children. For single parents, doing all this alone can be overwhelming.  
 
Having family members who are willing to share in caregiving or simply be part of your village makes a big difference. The right village not only supports the child but also encourages the adult. Divorce can feel isolating and even shameful but having people who love you and your child brings immense comfort.   

Working out a consistent plan

Children thrive on structure because it creates a consistent routine, helping them feel safe and secure. 

Determining a schedule with your ex-spouse makes allocated time with your child clear for everyone. Sticking to previously agreed upon timings and responsibilities is also important for trust to be built and sustained.  

These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent. 

Adjusting to life with two homes can be challenging for your child, and seeing one parent move out is already a big change. Support them through this transition by clearly communicating clearly which days they’ll spend with Mum and which with Dad.  

While things may look different, practical timetables combined with frequent reminders that they are still as much loved and wanted will provide the emotional stability they need. 

There will be occasions, such as graduations or performances, where both parents should be present to support your child. These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent.   

In day-to-day life, having a schedule also means setting consistent wake-up and bedtime routines, meal times, and homework periods. While it can be challenging to keep these aligned across two separate homes, maintaining a similar pattern does make a difference especially for younger children. 

Having consistent plans provides a sense of stability not just for your children, but also creates a predictable rhythm for you, helping you stay productive and also seek self-care. Activities such as going for counselling, taking up a new hobby, or pursuing new learning endeavours can be helpful to support your personal healing and growth. 

 Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. 

Partnering in communication

Since co-parenting means each parent only has full oversight of your child on the days he or she is with you, communicating well is essential for successful co-parenting.  

While it can be easy to let your child be the “messenger” and communicate to your ex-spouse through them, carrying this role not only can create misunderstandings but put undue stress on the child to be the middleman. 

Meeting emotional needs requires strong communication and commitment from both parents. A child’s emotional development evolves from early childhood through primary school, the tween years and into adolescence. Health issues, behaviour that need correction, funny moments and milestones should ideally be shared knowledge. 

Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. For older kids, they may also learn how to hide certain negative habits or incidents from parents to avoid worrying them or being disciplined.  

Sudden changes in appearance, mood and reluctance to go to school are all red flags that need to be communicated.  

Ethan cited that for him and his ex-wife, being able to communicate well helps them navigate times when there are differing opinions. For example, when they disagreed on their son’s extra-curriculum classes, they reached a compromise by adopting a “give and take” approach. Likewise, when it comes to finances, having clearly defined responsibilities helps reduce stress in co-parenting.  

Though divorce and co-parenting may have never crossed your mind before it happened, it is still possible to co-parent well. Doing so will help in creating a safe place for your children to thrive.   

“Interestingly, you’d think that after a divorce, things become more complicated. But when both parents truly put the child first, it can actually become simpler — not easy, but simpler. It’s about communicating better, understanding that our son is growing up in two different environments, and learning to be adaptable and patient with that,” shared Ethan.  

* The interviewee’s name has been changed for privacy 

Why Should I Nourish and Support My Spouse?

Amidst work deadlines, parenting duties, and household chores, it’s easy to overlook one of the most important relationships in our lives: our marriage.  

While we may assume that love will naturally sustain itself, the truth is that love, like any living thing, needs nourishment. When something is consistently nourished, its needs are met, and growth ensues. Conversely, when we fail to nourish our marriage, its growth may be stunted, and resentment and conflict may set in. 

One powerful way to keep your marriage thriving is by intentionally supporting and investing in your spouse, or what some relationship experts call “keeping your love bank in the green.” 

What is the emotional love bank? 

The concept of the “love bank” was popularised by Dr. Willard Harley, a marriage counselor and author of His Needs, Her Needs. He likens emotional connection in marriage to a bank account. Every kind word, thoughtful gesture, or act of service is a deposit. Every harsh word, neglectful action, or broken promise is a withdrawal. When the balance is high, couples feel close, secure, and loved. When it’s low—or worse, overdrawn—resentment, conflict, and emotional distance can creep in. 

So why should you nourish and support your spouse? Because every deposit you make strengthens the foundation of your relationship and builds emotional resilience for the challenges that may come your way. 

1. Support builds trust and safety 

When you consistently show up for your spouse—whether it’s listening without judgment, helping them through a tough day, or simply being present—you’re sending a powerful message: “You matter to me.”  

This kind of emotional support fosters trust and safety, which are essential for vulnerability and intimacy.

In a world that often feels unpredictable, your marriage can be a safe harbour. But that only happens when both partners feel seen, heard, and supported. Nourishing your spouse emotionally is like reinforcing the walls of that harbour, which helps keep the storms out and the warmth in. 

2. It strengthens your partnership 

Marriage is a team sport. When one partner is struggling—be it with work stress, health issues, or parenting challenges—the other can step in to offer strength and encouragement. This mutual support creates a sense of “we’re in this together,” which is vital for long-term success. 

Think of it like a relay race. If one runner stumbles, the other doesn’t just keep running—they turn back, help them up, and finish the race together. That’s what nourishing your spouse looks like: being attuned to their needs and offering help or support, even when it’s inconvenient or costly. 

3. It models healthy love for your children 

If you’re a parent, your marriage is your child’s first and most influential model of love. When children see their parents supporting each other—speaking kindly, resolving conflicts respectfully, and showing affection—they internalise those patterns. They learn that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a daily choice to care, serve, and uplift. 

On the flip side, when children witness constant tension, criticism, or emotional neglect, they may grow up with distorted views of relationships.  

By nourishing your spouse, you’re not just investing in your marriage—you’re shaping the emotional legacy of your family. 

4. It keeps romance alive 

Romance isn’t just about candlelit dinners or surprise getaways. It’s built in the small, everyday moments: a warm hug after a long day, a thoughtful text, a cup of coffee made just the way they like it. These gestures may seem trivial, but they’re powerful deposits into your spouse’s love bank.   

When you support and affirm your spouse, you create an environment where romance can flourish. Emotional intimacy fuels physical intimacy, and both are essential for a vibrant, lasting connection. 

5. It prevents emotional drift 

Most couples typically don’t break apart because of one big issue; they drift apart slowly over time. The culprit? Neglect. When spouses stop investing in each other, the emotional distance grows. Conversations become transactional. Affection fades. Resentment builds. 

But this drift is preventable. By making regular deposits into your spouse’s love bank—through a word of encouragement, or a hug at the end of a hard day—you keep the emotional connection alive.   

Practical ways to nourish your spouse 

Here are a few simple but powerful ways to keep your love bank in the green: 

  • Speak their love language. Whether it’s words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch—learn what makes your spouse feel loved and do it often. 
  • Be curious. Ask about their day, their dreams, their worries. Show genuine interest in their inner world. 
  • Encourage them. Acknowledge their efforts, achievements, and growth. If your spouse is considering pursuing a new opportunity, do your best to encourage them and show support for their interests.  
  • Be generous with grace. Forgive quickly, assume the best, and let go of petty grievances. 

Marriage isn’t a one-time commitment—it’s a daily investment. By nourishing and supporting your spouse, you’re building a legacy of love, trust, and partnership that can weather any storm. 

So ask yourself today: What deposit can I make into my spouse’s love bank? A kind word? A listening ear? A helping hand? Whatever it is, do it with intention. Because love grows when it is nurtured. 

How Therapy Helps Adults with High-Functioning Anxiety

Adeline is a 35-year-old working mum of two. She’s known among her friends as the “go-to” person — dependable, efficient, always on top of things. At work, she’s praised for her attention to detail and her ability to juggle multiple projects. But what people don’t see is the toll it takes. 

Every night, Adeline lies awake replaying conversations, worrying if she said the wrong thing. She feels guilty for not spending enough time with her kids, anxious about missing deadlines, and constantly fears she’s not doing enough — even when she’s exhausted. 

She didn’t think she needed therapy. “I’m functioning, right?” she told herself. But the emotional strain was building. Eventually, she reached out for help and is currently on the journey to a stronger, more resilient self. 

High-functioning anxiety can be tricky to spot — even by those who live with it. You might look calm, capable, and successful on the outside, but inside, it’s a different story: constant worry, a relentless drive for perfection, and a deep fear of letting others down. 

Even among youths in Singapore, it was found that more than a quarter experienced severe or extremely severe anxiety symptoms. The prevalence was higher among females (28.9%) than males (25%) and peaked in the 20-24 age group (34.1%). This is according to the National Youth Mental Health Study (NYMHS).  

The good news is, anxiety can be treated. You’re not alone — and you don’t have to keep pushing through in silence. 

Common signs of anxiety 

Here are some common signs of high-functioning anxiety that often go unnoticed: 

  • Your mind is always racing, even when you’re trying to rest 
  • You find it hard to relax or get a good night’s sleep 
  • You worry about disappointing others — even over small things 
  • You feel a constant pressure to prove your worth 
  • You have a high need for control, which may result in excessive workload and stress 
  • You are constantly busy and tired  

If any of these sound familiar, it might be time to take a pause and check in with yourself. 

The cost of anxiety  

Without support, high-functioning anxiety can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and even physical health issues related to the gastrointestinal tract due to the gut-brain-axis. It is also extremely common for people to delay seeking help because they feel they “should” be able to handle things on their own, until of course, they can’t. 

You might find yourself saying, “I just need to push through and I’ll be fine,” but over time, putting such consistently high pressure on yourself can take a toll on your sense of well-being and erode any supportive self-care practices previously present.  

When anxiety is left unaddressed, it doesn’t simply fade away. Instead, it can quietly erode your emotional and physical well-being. You might notice: 

  • Burnout: Constant busyness and mental strain can lead to exhaustion, irritability, and a sense of emotional numbness. 
  • Strained relationships: The need to control or over-function can create tension with loved ones, especially when you feel unsupported or misunderstood. 
  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, digestive issues, and chronic fatigue are common when anxiety is stored in the body. 
  • Loss of joy: Even moments meant for rest or celebration can feel heavy, as your mind struggles to switch off. 

How therapy can help 

Therapy isn’t just for when things fall apart; it’s actually a proactive step toward emotional wellness. Counselling can provide you with a safe, non-judgmental space to unpack your thoughts and feelings, and to understand the patterns that keep you stuck. 

Approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and mindfulness-based grounding techniques can help you: 

  • Identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns 
  • Build emotional resilience and self-compassion 
  • Learn practical tools to manage stress and anxiety 
  • Set boundaries that protect your time and energy 

Therapy can be a game-changer when it comes to high-functioning anxiety — not because it fixes everything overnight, but because it helps you feel more resourced, more grounded, and more like yourself. 

Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore explains:

“People with high-functioning anxiety often feel like they’re holding everything together — but inside, they’re running on empty. Therapy helps them slow down, tune into their emotions, and learn healthier ways to cope and thrive. It’s not about changing who they are, but helping them feel safe enough to be themselves, how it is okay to have needs, and to care for their needs with compassion.” 

Affordable counselling and what to expect 

At Focus on the Family Singapore, we believe mental health support should be accessible to all. That’s why we offer trusted and affordable counselling, with no hidden charges or GST. 

You can choose from: 

  • Intern counsellors: Reduced-rate sessions under close supervision 
  • Senior counsellors or psychologists: For more complex or long-standing issues 

At the first counselling session, we would typically cover these areas:  

  • You’ll be asked about your current challenges and goals 
  • You’ll discover your strengths and assets with your counsellor 
  • Collaboratively, we will work out the milestones and goals for your recovery journey 

Whether you’re just starting out or need deeper support, we’re here to walk with you. You don’t have to keep carrying the weight alone. Book a session today and begin your journey toward calm, clarity, and a healthier you. 

Healthy Vulnerability in Marriage

What is the key ingredient for a strong marriage? Some may say a strong marriage is one with vulnerability. After all, the strength of the marriage bond rests on intimacy, and being able to be open and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings is an important part of that. However, I would take it one step further and say that what truly builds a lasting marriage is healthy vulnerability.

In my experience, both in my marriage and through observing others, I have seen how vulnerability can be mishandled, deepening the wounds and distance between two spouses. Yet, when practised with wisdom and care, vulnerability can transform marriages through deep, healthy, and authentic connection. The following are lessons I’ve learned that have helped me cultivate healthy vulnerability built on trust and grace.

1. Treasure deep and honest moments

Vulnerability can be daunting, not only for the person baring their soul, but also for the listener. There are days when we feel too exhausted from work and parenting to listen well. On other days, it is hard to connect because the subject is about how we could have done better. 

Listening attentively can be emotionally taxing, yet being present is one of the best acts of love we can give to our loved ones. What has helped me is to realise that it is often a privilege to hear about my wife’s feelings, fears, and feedback. As her husband, I am in the unique position of being the person she can confide in most deeply. 

Over time, I have learnt the power of saying, “Thank you for telling me that” after each hard conversation. Each exchange reveals something I would otherwise might never have known about her or us. This gives her the courage to be herself, and gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. 

Of course, not every heartfelt conversation is a difficult one, and when my wife shares her deeper thoughts on other subjects, I take it as an opportunity to discover more of who she is.

2. Make room for both hearts to be heard

It may be easier to advocate for vulnerability in principle, but far more challenging to live it out. Just as marriage requires both spouses to be engaged in continual give-and-take in areas like daily habits, parenting responsibilities, or career, the same goes for the sharing of each other’s hearts.

It can be draining when one party is constantly giving emotional energy through offering their presence and listening ear without receiving the same openness in return. It is a good practice to be mindful of how much “air time” we’ve taken, and invite our spouse a chance to share what’s on their mind. Even if they usually decline – as many introverts do at the end of a long day – they will still appreciate having the freedom of choosing whether to open up, or rest and decompress.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care.

On that note, vulnerability is expressed not just through our words, but also through our silence. It is just as important for a spouse to be allowed silence as it is to allow speech! As an introvert myself, I am always appreciative of the times my wife gives me the space to unwind alone, even if she might have something to share. These acts of grace help me to recharge and return more present – as a husband and a father.

3. Speak and hear the truth with love

Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care. A key ethic in moments of vulnerability is to speak the truth in love. Being honest with our negative feelings, especially if they are towards our spouse or their significant relationships (such as in-laws), does not entitle us to brutal honesty and personal attacks.

When sharing pain arising from marriage, focus on articulating feelings and specific behaviours, and avoid making sweeping statements. For example, “When you look at your phone during our conversations, I feel ignored,” opens the door to understanding far better than, “You are always ignoring me when I try to talk to you – You don’t love me enough!” While the latter may feel truer in the moment, it tends to amplify the negative and raise defensiveness in both partners. It is also important to maintain our spouse’s dignity and ensure such conversations are held in private, unless there is an agreement to involve a trusted third party like a counsellor.

Give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.

Listeners can also apply appropriate ethics, such as withholding judgment, resisting defensiveness, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Trust that your spouse means well and that he or she is intending to be open and honest with you.

Remember also to continually check your expectations of your spouse. It takes humility to accept that certain expectations are shaped more by culture and society more than by genuine needs, such as the assumption of gender roles in the home. Hence, give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.

Hard won tears

One of the pivotal moments in our marriage was when I tearfully shared my struggles during a challenging season of my career. That day, others may have silently judged, but my wife embraced, comforted, and assured me. Despite the uncertainty and challenges lying ahead of us, we forged a way forward in full support of one another. 

I share this story to affirm vulnerability in marriage, lest readers think I am discouraging it through the points made. That day, I was at my most vulnerable with my wife, and it became a precious moment built upon years of mutual giving, acceptance, grace, and forgiveness. Though we took a less conventional path career wise in the years that followed, those years were filled with greater joy as we were freer to live more authentically than before.

My encouragement to every couple is to strive for a healthy vulnerability in your marriage. You might just be surprised by the depth of connection, freedom, and richness that follows when love and honesty go hand in hand.

Re-writing the Parenting Script

Before we dive into a discussion on how to rewrite the parenting script, there’s something we need to think through. As with any script, we need to first understand what the original version was and how it came about.  

In the case of parenting scripts, we first need to know how it was like for our parents when they were kids being raised by their parents. Because, as it’s often said and experienced, many of us parent the way we ourselves were parented! 

Parenting in the past 

In modern times, parenting tips are bandied around a lot. In fact, every parent today can get spot-on help in real time with a simple click of a computer mouse, a flick of their finger as they scroll through their social media feeds, or by calling upon Gemini, Siri, ChatGPT or any number of AI-enabled software. Not forgetting of course consulting other humans – friends, colleagues and so on. 

But in the old days, parenting wasn’t seen as a skill to be honed or tips to be learned. Nor were parenting articles and books relentlessly occupying newspaper and magazine columns, or lining shelf after shelf in bookstores and libraries like they are now. (Don’t even get me started on today’s digital spaces, where mummy blogs and daddy podcasts are all the rage!) 

Parenting in the old days was just something that was done. Period. No pregnant (pun fully intended) pauses. Or moments for contemplation. Or workshops to attend on how to raise great kids. People simply went about their daily lives looking after the little ones the way they saw fit, or how they saw their neighbours do it.  

Not only that, but parenting was something done not just by a father and a mother. It often involved a community – extended family, distant relatives, neighbours and even fellow villagers or town folks within a radius of 500 metres regularly chipped in to look after and watch over one another’s kids. 

That often means the oldest person in any given space is typically the one seen as the sage on the stage. The one that calls the shots, so to speak, as to how to raise kids. Which unfortunately, can be a double-edged sword, if you acknowledge the existence of what psychologists term adverse childhood experiences (ACE).  

Adverse childhood experiences 

These refer to traumatic events people undergo in their childhood, such as emotional neglect, abuse, parental death or separation, just to name a few. 

The impact of such events, which usually happen in the first 18 years of life, continues in direct and indirect ways across a person’s lifespan, and leads to higher costs of healthcare and productivity losses at work. 

According to the Singapore Mental Health Study by the Institute of Mental Health and KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital that was released in June 2024, the economic and social costs of ACE can amount to some $1.18 billion a year in absenteeism, reduced productivity and use of healthcare resources in our country. 

In an earlier part of the study that began in 2016, it was found that two out of three grown-ups here have ACE. It would be no surprise if some of these ACE were “bestowed” upon them by the elders and adults in their lives while growing up, beginning with spoken words that wound. 

Being “dis-ed” from young 

The unavoidable truth of life is that elders often hold sway and authority in every culture. What they say often gets transmitted (or worse, committed) to their children’s and grandchildren’s (listening) muscle memory.  

Especially stuff that sounds “dis”, or dismissive and disrespectful. 

Stuff like, “Shhh…kids should be seen, not heard”.
“Do as you’re told!”
“Stop being a cry-baby.” “You’re a good-for-nothing!”  

Growing up, our ancestors, parents and ourselves have all heard versions of these before, and many more such curt one-liners. Even now, we still hear them. And if we’re being honest, we’re also the ones who often say them!  

These hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

The reason is simple: Muscle memory kicks in, especially when time is tight and tempers are taut. So when we adults want a quick fix, these one-liners often do the trick of helping us parents and grandparents grab attention, maintain order and wrangle obeisance from our kids.  

Even if for a few minutes.  

However, these hurtful lines and derogatory parenting scripts do little to build children’s’ self-esteem and sense of identity and worth in the long run. 

Far worse is the very real possibility that kids grow up not loving and believing in themselves, but needing constant reassurance that they have intrinsic worth and are more than enough. 

Let’s rewrite the parenting script! 

While it might be too late for the sage elderlies in our midst to change their set ways, there is still plenty of opportunity for the current generation of parents to rewrite the script.  

For instance, instead of shushing a child who wants to be heard, gently guide the child on when is an appropriate moment to speak, especially if, say, you’re hosting many guests but your child needs your attention.  

Take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset. 

Instead of saying “Do as you’re told”, why not ask the child how he or she would like to do whatever is the pressing task at hand. Turn it into a teachable moment on how to negotiate, which is a prized soft skill in any human setting. 

“You’re a good-for-nothing” is often said in a heated moment (and for the most part, does not represent how the parent truly feels about his or her child). Instead, take a few deep breaths, lower your voice and calmly explain what the child is or isn’t being or doing that’s making you feel upset to the point of saying something so harsh. 

Granted, these will require from parents a lot more patience and practice than the knee-jerk one-liners hastily blurted out in so many an unfortunate parent-child moment. And for sure, most of us will not succeed right away to rewrite the parenting script handed down to us. 

Still, we shouldn’t give up but persevere. 

For surely the last thing anyone wants is to raise up a generation where, instead of two, now three out of three adults have ACE! 

Right? 

How to Teach a Child about Privacy

Teaching our children privacy is about helping them learn what is appropriate for sharing versus what is not, because we care deeply about their safety and long-term wellbeing. While in a tech-driven world this mostly relates to data privacy online, the concept also extends to teaching them that parts of our body are private and are not meant for sharing. 

Preschool years (4-6) 

Every part of our body serves a function, and our private body parts (areas covered by swimsuits) are special and important. We can help our children understand that these parts are not meant to be seen or touched by others. 

Practise naming these private parts using the correct terms (e.g. use “breasts” instead of “boobs”, “penis” instead of “wee wee”) to help them build factual understanding. Shower times are good opportunities to point out these areas in a casual yet educational way. 

Avoid exposing children’s private parts in public no matter how desperate a situation might be. For example, when in public, children should always change out their clothes in a private cubicle such as a bathroom.  

Avoid oversharing children’s photos, particularly revealing ones, on our own social media accounts. This will reduce their digital footprint and prevent their images from falling into the hands of malicious actors, who can create harmful deepfake nudes with the help of AI tools.  

Role-play possible scenarios to teach children refusal skills in an engaging and fun manner: If they are asked by someone to show their private parts, they should respond with a firm ‘no’, walk away immediately, and tell a trusted adult. It would be additionally helpful for them to know a few trusted adults they can turn to, apart from Daddy and Mummy. 


Teach children to respect others’ privacy just as they would want others to respect theirs. 

Primary years (7-12) 

Use everyday opportunities to explain how the concept of privacy comes up in various settings: when using public bathrooms, in close proximity with someone else’s device screen, or handling personal info such as passwords, school, email and home addresses. 

In each scenario, teach children to respect others’ privacy just as they would want others to respect theirs. For example, they should not peer into someone else’s device screen because the content may not be safe for them (pornography, violence, confidential data, etc.), nor should they divulge sensitive, personal info to others verbally because it puts them at risk of identity thefts or scams. 

If handing your children a smartphone is inevitable, ensure that parental controls are in place to support their online safety. Let them know that their devices may be monitored to help guide their privacy decisions until they’re ready to manage them independently. Some helpful parental control apps include Google Family Link and Qustodio, although they cannot replace the central role that parents play in helping children develop necessary skills around their privacy. 

The general minimum age for social media accounts is 13 years old to protect children’s privacy, although in reality, children younger than 13 still own accounts. If this is something your child is keen to explore, why not co-own an account with him to model and advocate for constructive and purposeful use of social media? Use this opportunity to impart critical thinking and decision-making skills as the parent taking the lead in choosing what, when, and how much to share online.  

Remind children in this age group that they should not be chatting with strangers online as they are too young to discern when they are being groomed. Instead, make time to connect with them regularly so they will be less tempted to overshare info with a stranger online. 

Our role should be to teach them how to think critically about their privacy decisions, rather than what to think. 

Teenage years (13-16)   

Teenagers are likely to spend more time online and need the consistency of a values-based decision-making framework to help them discern how to safeguard their privacy across different settings.  

Parents should assess teens’ needs and maturity before determining how much and the type of supervision needed to support them in making wise choices, and focus on building a strong relationship with them while being transparent in communication. Our role should be to teach them how to think critically about their privacy decisions, rather than what to think. 

Rehearse digital literacy often as a family – before posting something online, engage your teen to brainstorm with you on its purpose, constructiveness, reliability, and privacy concerns. Ask for thoughts about what responsibility looks like online (e.g. avoid posting photos that reveal anyone’s personal info, post only truthful and constructive content). Normalise a “thinking pause” before responding to or posting anything online. 

Try this with your teen: Google your name, or a combination of your name with other identifying data such as school, workplace, or hobbies, to find out your digital footprint. Debrief by asking questions like, “Were there any surprises? Would this change the way you manage your data online from now? Why and how?” 

Draw your teen’s attention to the type of ads and content that show up on your social media or YouTube feed. It is likely that the powerful, data-driven algorithm would have shown you something related to what you had in your thoughts or mentioned in passing. Is this persuasive design “cool”, or concerning, and why? What does this reveal about our privacy?   

Most of all, teach and show teens how they can lead fulfilling lives offline – it is crucial for them to know that their online life is but a fraction of their whole life, and that we as parents are always here for them. If they do experience consequences of a privacy breach online, they would hopefully have the resilience to know that it isn’t the end of their world; they have a safe space with us, life is still very much worth living for, and we can turn crisis into learning opportunities to help us become better navigators of online privacy concerns.   

How Understanding Conflict Styles Can Strengthen Your Marriage

Growing up, I had always thought that the goal in marriage was not to have any conflict. Wouldn’t it signify that both husband and wife are so in sync with and perfect for each other? Only after attending marriage preparation workshops and learning from wise mentors (and getting married myself) did I realise that conflict is inevitable, necessary and productive.  

Whether it is about finances, parenting, or simply who does the dishes, disagreements are part of sharing life with another person. We are bound to step on each other’s toes with our differing personalities, mannerisms and perspectives. What matters most however, is how we manage conflict.  

As Dr Greg Smalley says in his book, Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage, arguments if handled right “have the potential to create greater understanding, trust and connection.”  

The avoidant style: Peace at a price 

Someone who adopts an avoidant style will tend to sidestep conflict altogether. They may downplay disagreements, change the subject, or simply stay silent to keep the peace. They may have witnessed unhealthy communication patterns or explosive conflicts between their parents growing up and learnt it might be better not to rock the boat.  

At first glance, this style can seem mature—after all, isn’t it wise to “pick your battles”? Over time however, unresolved issues can pile up like dust under a rug. What’s left unsaid doesn’t disappear; it often resurfaces in subtle ways. The spouse may start to feel unseen or unheard, distance themselves, or even have resentment towards their spouse.  

I am peace-loving by nature, and the thought of conflict makes me uncomfortable. When I first got married and felt upset with my husband about something, I would just give him the silent treatment and cold shoulder. I wasn’t keen on confronting him about any issues; I simply hid my feelings while silently hoping that he would get the hint about my unhappiness.  

Over time, I realised that my husband can’t read my mind. So as uncomfortable as it was for me, I began sharing my honest thoughts with him—slowly and tentatively. I would even rehearse what I wanted to say in my head multiple times before finally finding the courage to voice it out! I was afraid that he would get upset or defensive and I wouldn’t know how to respond. 

The head-on style: Facing conflict with force 

On the other hand, some people prefer to tackle conflict directly—and sometimes forcefully. They value honesty and clarity, and believe that hashing things out is the best way to move forward. They have a desire to resolve issues quickly instead of letting them linger.  

However, when emotions run high, the spouse may start to yell, blame or become sarcastic, leading to the other feeling attacked. Oftentimes in the heat of the moment, hurtful words can also be said. 

My husband and I recently welcomed a baby boy into our lives, and this new responsibility brought much joy but also frustration and tiredness. With both my husband and I being conflict-avoidant, it caught me by surprise when we started snapping at each other.  

I found myself becoming sarcastic in my responses and using absolutes like “you never” and “you always”. I discovered that we might lean towards one conflict management style, but also display another style under certain circumstances.  

Disagreements can help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s preferences, pain points and needs, if we seek to truly listen and talk things out. 

The collaborative style: Conflict as a path to connection 

Ultimately, instead of going head-on or avoiding conflict altogether, the best approach would be to collaborate. When we work together as a team to tackle a problem, we are viewing the issue as the enemy, not each other.  

By adopting this approach, we recognise that conflict is not a threat, but an opportunity for growth. Disagreements can help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s preferences, pain points and needs, if we seek to truly listen and talk things out.  

Several months after giving birth, we were about to host a few friends at our house. I was tired and struggling to manage my baby’s needs, but my husband insisted on going out to buy some fruits and drinks before they arrived. I felt upset and questioned why he would leave me alone when I needed his help.  

It was only after asking him about the incident later on did I realise that he highly values being able to provide a warm and homely experience for our guests. I shared that I felt sad he didn’t seem to recognise my need for his support. From then on, we became better at planning and preparing in advance so that our guests would feel welcomed, without compromising on caring for our baby together.  

When conflicts arise 

When a disagreement occurs, take a short timeout if emotions are high and resolve not to assume the worst about each other during that pause. Once you’re both ready, take turns to honestly share your perspectives  using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. This is something that I learnt early on and it has made a world of difference!  

Listen attentively to one another without interrupting, shutting each other down, or becoming defensive. Commit to focusing on one issue at a time, and resist the urge to bring up past grievances. Aim to uncover the real reasons behind the conflict. Questions like, “When this happened, how did it make you feel deep down?” and “What would you like me to do in moments like these?” can help reveal each other’s deepest needs and desires. 

Our marriage thrives not because we avoid conflict, but because we choose to tackle issues together as a team. 

Finally, work together to find a viable solution. After figuring out what matters to both of you, look for common ground. For example, if one spouse is stricter whereas the other is more lenient, you can agree on consistent rules and consequences, and commit to backing each other up in front of your children.  

Our marriage thrives not because we avoid conflict, but because we choose to tackle issues together as a team. When handled with care, disagreements can deepen our connection and strengthen our understanding of each other.  

Whether you are engaged or seriously considering marriage, the Connect2 Marriage Preparation Workshop helps you build a strong foundation through honest conversations, practical tools and guided discussions. You will learn essential communication and conflict resolution skills to navigate disagreements in a healthy and constructive way. Find out more here!