Resource Type: Articles

Playing Together: The Power of Fun in Marriage

Marriage is a journey filled with highs and lows, responsibilities and routines. Amidst the demands of work, parenting, and daily life, couples can easily slip into a rhythm of functionality—where conversations revolve around logistics and connection takes a backseat.  

But what if having fun together was one of the simplest ways to nurture intimacy and joy in marriage? 

Fun as connection 

Fun isn’t just for weekends or vacations—it’s a vital ingredient in a thriving relationship. Engaging in playful activities, shared hobbies, or spontaneous adventures helps couples reconnect emotionally. Strong marriages are built on intentional connection, and fun is one of the most natural ways to foster that. 

When couples make time to enjoy each other’s company outside of family responsibilities, they rediscover the friendship at the heart of their relationship. Whether it’s whipping up a new dish in the kitchen, playing board games, or going on a spontaneous date, these moments of light-heartedness remind couples why they fell in love in the first place. 

Fun as discovery 

Playfulness in marriage isn’t about being childish—it’s about being emotionally open and safe enough to let your guard down. This sense of playfulness creates a home environment where joy can be felt and stress becomes less overwhelming. 

Couples like Edmund and Isabel, in their mid-30s, emphasise the importance of taking time off their usual routines to check out a new café or to visit an interesting exhibition. Despite their busy schedules and parenting responsibilities, they try to visit a new place once every two months, to ensure they take time to discover each other afresh.  

This routine allows them to approach challenges with unity and creativity. Fun becomes a way to reinforce their marital bond, especially during seasons of stress or conflict. 

Fun as a stress reliever 

Life can be overwhelming, and marriage often bears the brunt of that pressure. But did you know that fun is a natural stress reliever? Engaging in enjoyable activities, be it exercise or reading a book together at a café, releases endorphins, lowers cortisol levels, and fosters emotional resilience. It’s not just about escaping problems—it’s about building the strength to face them together. 

I recall when my three kids were all under the age of seven, things at home sometimes got so chaotic and overwhelming that losing my cool was almost a daily affair. Thankfully, with my mother around to help on some evenings, my husband and I would just head out after dinner to take a walk around the neighbourhood. Walking and talking may seem such a simple act, but I daresay it strengthened my sense of wellbeing and also kept our connection strong as a couple. 

Even when parenting and work demands threaten to tear you apart, making time to enjoy each other, and to enjoy life together can help keep your marriage (and sanity) in check. 

Creating a positive family atmosphere 

The benefits of fun in marriage extend beyond the couple—it shapes the entire family culture. Children thrive in homes where joy is present and parents model emotional connection.  

When parents laugh, play, and enjoy each other’s company, they create a sense of security and warmth.  

This atmosphere teaches children that relationships are not just about duty, but also delight. It also equips them with emotional tools to build healthy relationships of their own. 

Sometimes, tension builds in marriage and communication stalls. In such moments, fun can be a gentle way to break the ice.  

I recall when I was upset over something my husband said. I gave him the cold shoulder all the way from the gathering till we reached home. When I was fuming in the bedroom, he sent one child in to say “Papa says he’s sorry, please forgive him.” I could not remain angry after receiving the new from the little messenger!   

Fun doesn’t replace serious conversations—it makes them more accessible. It reminds us couples that we are not fighting each other, but together, we can fight life’s challenges in a much better way. 

Practical ways to have fun in your marriage 

If fun feels elusive, here are a few simple ways to bring it back: 

  1. Plan regular date nights: Whether it’s a nice dinner or a walk in the park, make time to enjoy each other. 
  2. Try something new together: Take a cooking class, go hiking, or explore a new hobby. 
  3. Be spontaneous: Surprise your spouse with a small gift, a funny note, or an impromptu outing. 
  4. Play together: Board games, sports, or even video games can be great ways to bond. 
  5. Celebrate the everyday: Turn mundane tasks into moments of connection—cook together, dance while cleaning, or share a silly story from work. 

Fun is the secret ingredient that helps keep love alive, builds emotional intimacy, and creates a home filled with warmth and joy. No marriage is perfect—but with the right mindset and habits, and a regular dose of fun, every couple can thrive. 

How Do I Talk to My Child About Boy-Girl Relationships?

Talking to our children about relationships isn’t going to be a one-time event — we can start building opportunities for a series of age-appropriate, ongoing conversations built on trust and openness.

Whether they are just starting to notice the opposite gender, navigating crushes, or exploring serious relationships, here’s how you can walk with them through this journey — without being overly “nosy” or out of touch.  

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged.

General principles to keep in mind

Principle 1: Connection before correction

Many of us grew up in households where relationships were either taboo or joked about (“Eh, got boyfriend or not?”). But a real conversation starts with building trust — not waiting until your child has someone to “confess” about.

Children are more likely to open up about their feelings and experiences when they feel heard, respected, and not judged. That starts with small, daily conversations, not only serious “talks.”

Be curious about their world. Don’t dismiss their feelings — even if a crush seems trivial to you, it may mean the world to them.

I remember a mum friend who shared with me how her son, a Secondary 1 boy, once casually said, “I think I like someone in class.” Her first instinct was to panic and lecture him on ‘not now, you must focus on your studies!’ Instead, she paused, breathed, and simply asked, “Tell me more.” That small moment opened a door to conversation. And months later, he came to her again — when his ‘almost-relationship’ fizzled and he felt lost.

Principle 2: Focus on character, not control

It’s important to go beyond setting rules like “no dating until you’re older.”

Ask introspective questions and have discussions that help your child grow into someone who knows how to respect and be respected in any relationship:

  • “What do you look for in a friend or partner?”
  • “What does kindness or respect look like in a relationship?”
  • “How do you want to be treated — and how will you treat others?”

Focus on what makes a relationship respectful, healthy, and grounded in shared values. These are lessons they will carry into adulthood.

What would you do if your 13-year-old daughter came home saying two classmates were “together”?

Rather than brush it off, you could gently ask: “What do you think it means when people say they’re dating at this age?” and use that opportunity to open the door to a reflective, age-appropriate conversation on emotional maturity and friendship boundaries.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

Principle 3: Keep the conversation going

Use real life opportunities to talk. Books, movies, songs, newspaper stories or even situations involving peers can be natural entry points for meaningful discussion, especially when children are less open to direct questioning.

Relationships evolve — and so should the conversation especially as our kids get older.

When they reach their mid-teens or older, we need to change our approach. Typically, as they inch nearer to adulthood, they won’t need our “recommendations” or “reservations” as much as they need us to be available and patient in our listening.

In these times, we can afford to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Remember that our children are making choices and maturing in their decision making, especially emotionally and relationally. We can show up with our presence and availability when they need our advice or support.

I recall a mother friend sharing that her daughter, in her third year of polytechnic, broke off a relationship before a major project. Instead of questioning the timing, she listened, affirmed her daughter’s decision to prioritise her well-being, and reminded her that relationships should support — not undermine — her goals.

Age-Specific Guidance

Tween years (10–12)

Curiousity & crushes

What’s happening:

They are beginning to notice the opposite gender. Crushes, teasing, and curiosity are common, especially as puberty kicks in.

What to say and do:

  • Normalise, don’t dramatise. Say things like: “It’s totally okay to like someone — it’s part of growing up.”
  • Clarify boundaries. Help them understand what respectful friendships look like and talk about consent in age-appropriate ways.
  • Discuss respectful behaviour. “If someone teases you about liking someone, what can you do?”
  • Discuss media messages. Many tweens get their ideas about love and romance from Netflix, YouTube or TikTok. Use those moments to ask: “Do you think that’s what real relationships are like?”
  • Keep the door open. Assure them: “You can always come to me if you feel unsure or have questions.”

Teen years (13–15): Exploring first relationships

What’s happening:

Real emotions, romantic feelings, and possibly first relationships begin. Peer pressure and insecurity may grow.

What to say and do:

  • Talk about emotional readiness. Not every teen is ready for a relationship. Ask reflective questions like: “What do you think makes a relationship healthy?”, “Do your friends talk about dating? What do you think about it?”
  • Discuss respect and boundaries. Use clear examples: “If someone pressures you to do something you’re not comfortable with, that’s not love.”
  • Acknowledge feelings. Don’t downplay heartbreak or infatuation. Instead say: “I remember liking someone at that age too — it felt so intense!”
  • Set your family values. Share your beliefs honestly but respectfully. Instead of commanding, try: “In our family, we believe relationships should be built on trust and respect.”

Encourage self-respect. “You don’t have to be in a relationship to be valued. What do you like about yourself?”

Emerging Years (16–19): Developing mature relationships

What’s happening:

By this stage, your child may begin experiencing more serious relationships. Many are also navigating identity, independence, and the tension between wanting emotional closeness and fulfilling academic or life responsibilities.

What they need from you:

  • Respect for their growing autonomy.
  • Candid conversations about intimacy, emotional safety, and long-term thinking.
  • Assurance that they can always come to you — especially when things go wrong.

What to say and do:

  • Shift from control to coaching. Your tone matters. Be less directive and more guiding. Ask: “What are you learning about yourself through this relationship?”
  • Talk about values and goals. Encourage them to think long-term: “Does this relationship help you grow?” or “Does it align with your beliefs or who you want to become?”
  • Discuss physical boundaries honestly. If your values include abstinence for example, state them respectfully and explain your reasons.

Be a sounding board, not a judge. If they make mistakes or get hurt, respond with compassion, not lectures.

Why Do Quarrels Happen When Baby Comes?

The arrival of a child is a highly anticipated event. Parents wait with bated breath. Celebrations ensue at their birth.  

I recall the birth of my first child with fond memory, marking it to be even more significant and momentous than my wedding. How I was filled with indescribable joy when I first cradled my newborn! 

Yet, shortly after, the days and weeks that followed were one of the most challenging moments in my life. There was so much to learn, and so much to figure out. I likened it to being thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool and forced to stay afloat by hook or by crook.  

In the trenches of caring for a newborn, sometimes our marriage, unfortunately, takes a back seat, and tensions can rise between husband and wife. 

Physical Exhaustion

Caring for a newborn is physically demanding. We try to figure out feed and sleep schedules while playing guessing games working out what each cry means. As our days and nights meld into a blur, there is no rest for the weary. It is no wonder that patience grows thin and tempers run high.  

Sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones affect our mental and emotional state. We get snappier and less kind. A simple question like “Have the clothes been washed?” can be easily misconstrued and feel like an attack on the person (even when there was no ill intent). 

Increased responsibilities

This new role of being parents comes with added responsibilities. It is no longer just about the two of us, but also about ensuring the care and survival of an additional member of the family. When before, after work meant time for leisure and rest, now it means extra tasks of feeding, cleaning, pacifying and getting baby to sleep.  

All these add to the physical, mental and emotional load that a parent feels both in and outside of the home. And when one parent does not seem to pull enough weight in the home, it can cause tension and disagreements.  

Change in lifestyle

Relatedly, a newborn brings about changes to our lifestyle. Some of the things we could easily do before our baby came along become things of the past. Unless we have help at home, it would be very difficult to head out on spontaneous dates or to keep up with hobbies that bring us outside the home (for the initial newborn period at least).  

It is easy to feel stuck in the situation and feel like we are no longer the person we used to be. Unhappiness and resentment can rear its ugly head and present itself in arguments between husband and wife.  

What can we do to navigate these challenges and strengthen our relationship in the midst of caring for a newborn? 

Slow down and manage expectations

At some level, we need to understand that change is necessary when a newborn enters our lives. We cannot expect our lives to function in exactly the same way as before. We need to give ourselves grace and time to adjust to these changes—to get used to a new normal.  

We all respond differently to change. One of us may find it easier to adapt than the other. In doing so, we may not understand or be empathetic towards the struggles the other person is experiencing.  

We need to slow down and let go of some expectations or tasks so that life can become more manageable. For instance, we may have to be willing to simply do the bare minimum in maintaining a clean house, or reduce the number of social activities we engage in.  

 Work together to find a new rhythm and routine in this new season of life. 

Communicate clearly and gently

Many disagreements in the home stem from misunderstandings or unclear communication. It is too easy to have unspoken expectations. As this is a new role for both parents, we need to give each other space to ask questions, find solutions, make mistakes and learn from them.  

Let each other know what our needs are. Talk about the changes that need to be made in the home and assure each other of our continued support.  

Be patient and bear with each other when unkind words are unintentionally spoken.

Most times it is the tiredness and hormonal changes speaking. Other times it could be the sheer pressure from trying to perform at one’s best ability both inside and outside the home.  

Ask for help

As much as we may want to do things on our own, there is no shame in asking for help. Even an occasional breather to take an uninterrupted shower or a walk around our estate can do wonders for our mental and emotional health. The help can come from our spouse or externally from extended family and friends. 

Be clear in what we need each other to do so that family life can continue to thrive through the stressors of caring for a newborn.  

Connect Emotionally

With the multitude of demands, it is too easy to behave as roommates or even teammates, simply focusing on getting things done, and neglecting the spousal relationship. Carve out some time to catch up and connect with each other, even if it were just five minutes a day. Bring a drink to your spouse, lean in for a hug, offer a massage. Show up for each other.  

Emotional connectedness helps us know that we are weathering the storms of life together. 

When we know our spouse is not the enemy, tensions will ease and empathy increases. After all, we are husband and wife first before father and mother.  

A strong marriage is the best gift we can give to our child. The challenges that may arise from caring for a newborn may seem overwhelming. But as we patiently work through these difficulties, it will bear much fruit in building and strengthening our marriage to last every season.  

Even healthy marriages need support once in a while. If you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, reach out to one of our counsellors.

De-stressing Exam Stressors

Exam stresses can be distressing, both for kids and parents. However, since stress is something that everyone experiences regardless of life stage, learning to de-stress our stressors is a vital skill to develop.   

For our schooling children, exam stress could be an unlikely opportunity to grow in emotional regulation skills that will aid them through life. Likewise, for us parents, managing our own stress when our kids are going through exams can also strengthen us.  

Mother of two Jasmine Lu, who is also a parent-coach specialising in emotional intelligence, quoted litigator Maureen Killoran – “She once said stress is not what happens to us, it’s our response to what happens”.  

As we reframe ourselves out of a victim mindset that stress is something uncontrollable that just happens to me, we gain emotional strength to control our responses.  
 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why.

Reason for concern 

In parenting our children when stressed, we must also be self-aware. Citing a case where a parent Jasmine was coaching was very concerned about her daughter taking the national exams, she found out that the parent was herself an English teacher and carried the stress that if her child should fail the English test, it would reflect badly on herself.  

“When she shared that, it became clearer that actually it was her own fears of what people might say,” said Jasmine, who also runs a podcast for parents called The Eq-xperimental Parent. 

When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why and choose to work on ourselves so we don’t impose the feelings of stress on our children.  

“We have to remind ourselves our children are like sponges. They absorb everything that we project on them and they ‘squeeze it out’ by reflecting it… It’s our own securities, our own fears that they are absorbing, and they’re going to learn which will form patterns and become their default stress coping techniques,” she said. 
 

The first step to getting a handle on your emotions is to identify it. Here is a free exam prep cheat sheet for parents and kids to manage exam stress well.

Download PDF now (2.62 MB)

Thoughts, feelings, actions 

Our thoughts, feelings and actions are all interlinked. If we want our kids to take certain actions, we must guide their thoughts and feelings as well.  

Jasmine defined high emotional quotient (EQ) as “being intelligent with your emotions” which requires “very high self-awareness” and will also help you “read the mood of the room, showing empathy and relationship management”.  

How do we use high EQ to help our children manage exam stress? Well, the first step to getting a handle of your emotions is to identify it.  

“We call it ‘name it to tame it’. So, if you are able to name your emotion, it’s been scientifically backed that you’re more likely able to tame that emotion because… you’re actually engaging your logical brain to be back in control,” shared Jasmine. She added that naming the emotion also sends your brain the signal that you understand what is going on, which helps reduce the intensity of neurochemicals it creates.  

So helping your kids name their feelings is a huge first step. Since the pre-frontal cortex that controls their logical reasoning is yet to be fully developed, it is only in co-regulation that they will learn emotional regulating skills.  

To aid our children in developing their emotional literacy and coping skills, avoid questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, ask open-ended questions and don’t rush to prescribe an answer. Allow them to feel and sit in their feelings. 

“This is about their feelings, so it should be about them. So, the way we talk to them should open up conversations about how they feel, and not become like a whole sharing session about oh, in my time that’s how I did it,” she cautioned.  

Be genuinely curious about what’s going on in their world and don’t be afraid if they take a while to find the words to express themselves. Every child is different, so while one may pour out their feelings, another may not, and you would need to read their body language instead. Whichever way, if you can learn to hold space for them, it helps them learn that you genuinely want to know more.  

 C.A.L.M.  

For a growth mindset and resilient outlook, Jasmine shares a framework that she uses in her own coaching:  

C – Categorise your emotions  
What am I feeling? Name it to tame it. Is it just sadness? Or is it disappointment?  

A – Appraise your emotions  
What is this emotion trying to tell me? Is my sadness making me feel hopeless? Is there a sense of despair because I feel stuck? Do I feel like I am a failure because I find this hard?  

L – Look for options  
What can I do to change these emotions? In a growth mindset, you can avoid feeling trapped and powerless by learning to adapt during difficult situations. Help your children anchor themselves back on certain truths, like remembering they are valued regardless of their results.  

M – Move  
What can I do to move my child or myself out of this situation? Come up with a plan to take bite-sized practical steps away from the heaviness of the emotions. Small in-the-moment actions like learning not to focus on the mountain of exams, but just on that day’s learning can be very liberating. You may have to brainstorm for bigger long-term plans like schedule changes for your children and help them identify rewards that can help them stay on track in a happier manner.  

Like everything worth doing, there will be highs and lows in your journey as a parent helping your child de-stress. Take heart and stay adaptable with a growth mindset, and always make sure your children know how they are valued as themselves, not for their results. What you do now with exam stress matters for them as the budding young men and women they are growing into!   

Why Does My Child Procrastinate? And What To Do About It

As parents, few things are more frustrating than watching our children procrastinate. Whether it’s unfinished homework, delayed chores, or missed deadlines, it’s easy to jump to our own conclusions.  

“Why are you always like that?” we might ask in an impatient tone.  

Or, “I told you to do it so many times already, but you never listen!” 

But what if procrastination isn’t about laziness at all? 

In this article, we interviewed Paul Lim, a trained counsellor and senior lecturer at the Singapore Management University,  to unpack the deeper emotional roots of procrastination—and discover how we can better respond to our kids with care and empathy. 

Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task.

Procrastination vs. laziness  

Paul shares that procrastination and laziness may look similar, but they stem from very different places. 

“Procrastination is not laziness; it’s a matter of managing your emotions,” Paul explains. “The root of procrastination is fear.” 

Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task. So it is not because they don’t care, but because they feel overwhelmed or inadequate. 

Laziness, on the other hand, is marked by a complete lack of interest or motivation, even when the task is easily achievable. “Be careful not to confuse disinterest that stems from fear and anxiety with laziness,” Paul cautions.

The emotions that cause avoidance 

Many teens procrastinate because they feel helpless or hopeless about the situation. They think to themselves, “I try and try, but the results don’t change.” After a while, they begin to ask, “Why bother?” 

This spiral can lead to what psychologists call learned helplessness—a state where the child no longer believes their efforts will make a difference. Coupled with additional pressure from school, society, and even well-meaning parents, it’s no wonder some kids shut down, explains Paul. 

This is where, as parents, we may need to first examine our own intentions. As Paul quips, “If you want to help your child deal with procrastination, you must first help yourself.” 

He challenges parents to reflect on their own anxieties and tendencies to control the child. Some questions we can ask are: “Are we projecting our fears onto our children? Are we trying to control outcomes because we’re afraid of what the future holds?”

Seek connection, not compliance

Paul warns against mistaking compliance for obedience. When children comply just to avoid punishment or conflict, they may internalize the idea that love is transactional. 

“My students call it the law of bo-bien (a Hokkien phrase which means no choice),” Paul says. “They comply to get their parents off their backs.” 

This kind of parenting may seem effective in the short term, but it can erode the parent-child relationship over time. 

Children may grow up believing that their worth is tied to performance, not who they are. 

Be curious before you react

So what should parents do when they notice procrastination? Paul’s advice is simple but profound: ask why. 

“The first response is not to scold or accuse. The first thing to do is ask, ‘Why?’” 

As parents, we also need to watch our tone. A frustrated “Why haven’t you done your homework?” won’t open doors to our children’s hearts. But a calm and curious “Can I ask why?” or “What happened?” might. 

Paul shares a story about his son, who was avoiding piano practice. After some gentle probing, Paul discovered that his son felt he had to be perfect. “He was disqualifying himself before he even started,” Paul says. 

By exploring the emotion behind the behaviour, Paul was able to help his son reframe his expectations and build confidence. 

Don’t dismiss their emotions  

Another key takeaway: don’t deny your child’s emotions. 

“If they feel scared, they’re scared. If they feel overwhelmed, they’re overwhelmed. As parents, we must give them the right to feel that way.” 

Paul emphasises that while the facts of the situation may not always match the feelings, the feelings are still valid. And when we normalise these emotions and respond to our children with empathy, we are also helping them learn to bridge this gap over time. 

Ask, What happened to me? 

As parents, we may have to do the hard work ourselves too. Paul observes that many parents have not had the space and time to process their own emotions. Perhaps we may have grown up having our emotions denied or dismissed.  

He advises for us to take some time to ask ourselves: What happened to me? 

For if our goal is to raise emotionally healthy children, we must first do the inner work ourselves. 

“If you really want to be the best parent you can be, you first have to sort yourself out. Otherwise, it’s going to continue with this cycle… and your kids will pass that down to your grandchildren,” advises Paul. 

Procrastination isn’t just a behavioural issue—it’s an emotional one. And parenting is as much about self-awareness as it is about teaching and guiding our young. 

So the next time your child puts off homework or chores, pause. Ask why. Listen without judgment. Hold back the scolding and nagging. Instead, take time to connect with them emotionally. Remember: the journey to helping our children be their best selves starts with us. 

Are You Married but Lonely?

Loneliness has been called a modern-day pandemic. Pair busy lives with increased screen time, add in shallow emotional maturity and unmet expectations and needs, and we have a recipe for drifting apart…even if the couple stays married.

While no one intends to foster loneliness, it unfortunately creeps in quickly when either spouse neglects the other. Since we all enter marriage with rightful expectations of love and support, not feeling seen or supported can be very disorienting and disappointing.

Sometimes, we only realise our own lack of emotional maturity when we have close relationships. Perhaps in your family of origin, you were never modelled physical affection or intentional affirmation. Perhaps the conversations at home were 99% functional and  practical, or it was rare to have fun together. So it’s only when you are creating your own family that you realise you don’t really know how to do this differently.

Emotional unavailability can be a painful experience for your loved ones. It feels isolating or even rejecting to know your spouse is not emotionally there for you. 

Here are some helpful pointers to ascertain your level of emotional expression:

– Do you find it hard to discuss your feelings? Or to find words to describe them?

– When you are going through a hard time or struggling, do you find it hard to let your spouse in on it?

– When your spouse shares his or her struggles, do you find yourself tongue tied? Perhaps you will advise him or her to ignore the problem or try to offer a practical solution but you don’t have the words to soothe his or her heightened emotions?

– If your spouse shares feedback on something you did or did not do, do you feel defensive or attacked?

– Do you find it hard to apologise sincerely?

These checkpoints are not meant to make you feel bad. But since awareness is the first step for a change, it is important to understand yourself. 

Drifting apart may be gradual but it is always a product of a lack of intentionality. The good news is – you don’t need to live a lonely life. You can take intentional steps to reconnect with your spouse.

Instead of communicating to correct, communicate to connect. 

Communicate to connect

To foster togetherness, we should learn to forgo communicating to correct and instead communicate to connect. Even if something did go wrong, when you harp on it and what your spouse did wrong, it only serves to create a me-versus-you scenario. In a marriage, you want to feel like you’re both on the same team!

For Melanie Wong, a mother of two children and whose husband travels frequently, communicating to connect also means choosing to “always staying in touch” despite the distance because “it’s important that we continue to be apart of each other’s lives, we do not want to reach a state of being independent of each other and start to drift apart or realise we can ‘do without’ each other”.

They also worked out that video notes are a great way to stay connected to the children too and her husband would send three video notes – one for her and two for the kids – daily when travelling.

Communicating to connect is a daily choice we make. Don’t assume busy-ness has to mean silence or emotional distance! 

Connect emotionally

An emotions wheel is a helpful tool to pick up vocabulary for emotions, and expand your own ability to recognise the emotions your spouse and yourself go through.

There’s only so much conversation if our vocabulary is limited to just “good” and “angry”. Are you frustrated, disappointed or anxious? Did you feel humiliated, inferior or hesitant? A simple google will give you access to an emotions or feelings wheel that can quickly upgrade your emotional vocabulary!

A simple way to practise this is to make it a point to talk about your day. Melanie shares that even when her husband is away, they try to end their day with a call. If there is time zone difference, they send a video note at the end of the day.

These small gestures help keep the parent who is staying home with the kids from feeling like “I have to do everything on my own.” It also communicates to your spouse that you still want him or her in your day, even if you are physically apart.

Such small but daily acts can help to maintain emotional connection and deepen your marital bond and trust. 

Listen with your heart

No one can connect with someone who’s not emotionally present. Often, we can be quick to find solutions when our spouse shares a problem. But contrary to helping, it can actually result in the person feeling dismissed and unheard.

Listening with your heart means that you listen to the emotions the other person is sharing and responding in care towards them. It also means staying attuned to your spouse even if no words are used. 

You will learn to pick up when they are “off” or need comfort, and even look past their words to try to understand what is happening internally. Won’t this be a wonderful way to be loved?

It is possible to grow to be attuned to each other over time as you keep your heart soft and open emotionally to each other. 

Plan for connection

Conversation in marriages can be very functional, especially when kids come along! There are days or years when it feels like the majority of our words are about groceries, childcare and school.

But if we don’t plan for connection, one day, the kids will grow up and we may realise we have little to talk about with our spouse.

So even in the busyness of life, look for ways to connect. It could be after the baby goes to bed, or in the morning after school drop-off or a quick lunch when work appointments end up near each other.

Keep trying to create time to be together. After all, it’s in this togetherness that you keep loneliness out of your marriage.

Even healthy marriages need support once in a while. If you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, reach out to one of our counsellors.

What If We’re Not Sexually Compatible?

In popular media, dating and sex are often portrayed to come together. The idea of sexual compatibility and that you should “try before you buy” may seem attractive to young teens, but is that all there is to it? 

The Teen Years (Ages 13-15)

During the teen years, your child may be more curious about the opposite sex, and have questions about dating. This is a good time to open conversations with your teen about the right time to start dating.  

As your child may not be able to easily distinguish between an infatuation and being in love, you may also want to explain the difference between a crush and a committed relationship.  

This is also a good opportunity to involve family values when talking about building healthy and mutually respectful relationships.  

For example, on the value of abstinence in a young person’s life, we could explain by saying: “When we are young, we may not be sure if we will eventually marry the person we’re dating. So it could be wise to abstain from sexual intimacy before marriage, in order to enjoy this special and beautiful gift with our spouse within the commitment of marriage.” 

Emerging Years (16-19 years) 

In the emerging years, you can take discussions with your child about relationships and physical intimacy further.  

Ask them questions to stimulate their thinking about the issue. For example:  

  • What do you think sex is for? 
  • What happens when two people engage in sexually intimate acts? 
  • What are the consequences of sex before marriage? How about within marriage? 

Be prepared to delve deeper into the topic with your child. You can start by explaining the neurochemical processes that happen during sex: hormones such as oxytocin are released to foster feelings of closeness and loyalty between two people engaged in sexual intimacy. Ask them to think about what might happen if they do not eventually marry the one whom they had sex with. What are the emotional and physical consequences of this outcome?  

True intimacy thrives on a foundation of mutual love and respect. The idea of sexual compatibility as finding that special someone whom you will have great sex with immediately is quite a media fantasy. Contrary to media portrayals, one often finds that we need to work at sex, the same way we need to work hard in our marriage. Ask any couple and they will likely tell you that sexual intimacy grows over time, in tandem with emotional closeness and openness in communication. 

Furthermore, if we approach sex from the viewpoint of simply gratifying our own needs, does this mean that we should keep looking for a new partner once the relationship’s honeymoon stage wears off?  

If you are getting married to someone you love and respect and can be vulnerable with, that’s the best head start you can get to building lifelong intimacy with your spouse. 

Want to be equipped to lead conversations about love and relationships with your youths? Join us at the upcoming Healthy Sexuality Masterclass in August! 

‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’ – Is it Really so Simple?

When the coffee gets cold 

 “You know Mark,” said the bespectacled man in his 70s, “I don’t really feel anything for her anymore. He picked up his cup of coffee and made a gesture to drink it, but then puts it down on the table again. “It’s like this cup of coffee. It used to be hot and delightful to drink. But now the coffee has gone cold, and I don’t free like drinking it anymore.” 

Fred and Sally had been married for more than 40 years. Fred described their initial courtship as “sweet” and “exciting”. However, after they had their two children, and after the kids grew up, got married and left the family home, things didn’t seem so “sweet” and “exciting” anymore. 

“I’m not sure what happened, Mark,” said Fred. “Perhaps it’s because she stopped being happy. It seems as though the spark had left her eyes. One day it was there, and the next day it was gone.” 

Fred seemed to hint that the reason for his lacklustre marriage was the adage “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. During the days when his wife was happy and “had the spark”, Fred felt that his life was going well. However, when the spark was gone and the wife stopped being happy, Fred believed that his life was no longer purposeful and that he was no longer satisfied with the way his life was. 

Regardless of gender roles, there is more to marriage then simply trying to make your spouse happy. 

In the pursuit of happiness 

Consider the principle behind this saying. Would a man live a satisfied life only if his wife was happy? The idea behind this notion first appeared in the early 1900s, but researchers have been trying to study the science of this concept for years. One study, published in 2014, argued that when a wife is satisfied with the marriage, she would tend to do more for her husband, which would then result in a positive effect on his life. 

Other studies dispute this, like a 2022 publication, which stated that the wellbeing of both men and women are equally strong predictors of future relationship satisfaction. The suggestion was then to amend the saying to “Happy Spouse, Happy House”, a term that might be more in line with current perspectives regarding gender roles in marriage. 

Regardless of gender roles, there is more to marriage then simply trying to make your spouse happy. My wife and I often talk to couples in our professional and personal capacity. Through these conversations, we have learnt that should one spouse merely attempt to placate the other in a bid to “keep the peace”, this could lead to difficult issues being swept under the carpet, and when things get too difficult in the marriage, fault lines could appear, which would then lead to a rift in the marital relationship. 

Understanding needs & expectations 

 In 1986, psychologist William F. Harley Jr. wrote a book His Needs, Her Needs. The book was re-written and updated a number of times, with the latest version published in 2022. Harley shared that men’s needs and women’s needs are different, and that we need to understand and fulfil our partner’s emotional needs in order to build a successful marriage. This can be done by inculcating habits of love in our daily lives, even as we navigate through the various conflicts in our marriages, and subsequently arrive at a mutual resolution that respects the perspectives of both spouses. 

In any marital relationship, both partners have felt needs and expectations, and these are of paramount importance to them. Yet needs and expectations are different. In the context of marriage, a need is something that we cannot do without. As such, if we want to build a stronger marriage, it is crucial for us to identify the needs of our spouse, and then try our best to either meet this need, or to help the other person to do so.  

When it comes to expectations, these are wishes that we desire for our spouse to fulfil, good-to-haves, but not a dealbreaker in the sense that these are something we can live without. As such, we have to recognise that it would be unreasonable to demand that our partner meet every single one of our expectations.  

For myself, I have a strong need to connect socially with close friends. My wife recognises this, and she often makes the choice to spend a prolonged afternoon out at a social engagement, even though she may be tired. As for my wife, I know that she enjoys a walk in the park listening to podcasts by herself, so there are times when I opt to take care of the kids, enabling her to spend some “me time” in order to recharge and recuperate. 

 

If a marriage has too many unmet needs and expectations, this could be a foreshadowing of tough times ahead. 

 

Yet it is not something that cannot be resolved, provided the couple is prepared to deal with conflict and to resolve this in a manner that addresses the needs and expectations of both parties. 

Learning to resolve conflicts  

No marriage is perfect. With differing views, needs and expectations in a marriage, conflict between husband and wife is unavoidable. But while we cannot avoid conflicts, we can avert situations that are so adversarial that they lead to a breakup or dissolution of the marriage. As such, it is imperative that couples learn to manage the conflicts in their marriage, and to seek out resolutions that address the fundamental differences in their perspectives. 

 

For ultimately, it is not a matter of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Marriage is not meant to make us happy; it is meant for us to help each other become the best version of ourselves. 

 

During the earlier years of my marriage, when the kids were much younger, my wife and I differed quite a bit in terms of our parenting styles. I tended to be the stricter parent, with my wife was generally more lenient. So there were times when we clashed in terms of how we chose to parent our children. One principle we learnt then was while husband and wife may have differing views in parenting, they have to be in one accord when presenting the final decision to the children. In other words, we had to settle our parenting differences behind closed doors, before sharing our single united decision with the kids.  

While conflicts between the couple are inevitable, the skills for conflict resolution are crucial. This does not mean that you have to resolve your differences with your spouse on the day of the conflict. But it does mean that you need to give each other space to process any differences, as well as to iron out any issues that may arise because of these differences.  

Most couples can agree to disagree if the issue at hand is a minor one. However, if it is a major matter that is of utmost importance to the couple, then both sides will need to communicate their perspectives and hear the other person out, until an amiable resolution is achieved. 

For ultimately, it is not a matter of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Marriage is not meant to make us happy; it is meant for us to help each other become the best version of ourselves. 

 

Mark Lim is Director/Trauma-Informed Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and trauma-informed counselling agency which conducts counselling and training in areas such as marriage, parenting, mental wellness and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two boys 15 and 13 years’ old. 

Pseudonyms have been used in this article for privacy reasons. 

When the Chemistry Runs Dry… What Next?

There is an unfortunate joke that is sometimes told at weddings: What are the three rings in a marriage? Engagement ring; Wedding ring; Suffering. Cue peals of laughter from those who are further down the road, those clueless of what’s to come and those who choose not to experience it at all. But, does it have to be this way? 

Speak to any couple on their wedding day and suffering is the furthest thing on their mind. After all, some coin the wedding day as the happiest day of their lives. Come what may, couples promise to love and stand by each other’s side through thick and thin.  

Cut to a couple of years down the road and things may not be the same. Past the honeymoon period; deep in the trenches with young children or struggling with infertility; faced with mounting bills and mortgages; dealing with stressors at work or in the home. The blessed blissful life that you once envisioned may seem like a distant memory.  

Perhaps you’ve settled into a comfortable or worse, uncomfortable familiarity. Sometimes this familiarity breeds contempt. You take each other for granted. Your life-long partner starts to feel more and more distant. Suddenly, you behave more like roommates than husband and wife. What happened to those romantic feelings of yesteryear?  

Those with years of experience in marriage will tell us that marriage is not a walk in the park. There will be so much to enjoy but also much to struggle through. It is hard work keeping a marriage alive. But it is a work that is worth investing in for the joy of having someone journey alongside you through life’s ups and downs.  

When the chemistry runs dry and your marriage feels like its hit a standstill, perhaps it’s time to take stock and see what can be done to get it back on the right track.

Communicate 

This is likely the number one advice all couples receive—to communicate well with our spouses. It is also the one thing we often struggle to do. It is too easy to expect our spouse to know what we want or how we feel without saying anything.  

The sentiments behind “You should know!” belie the desire to be known. And yet, how can one know unless it is revealed. We need to be open and willing to speak about any and every thing in a gentle and kind manner, without resentment or accusation; and for each other to be willing to listen with compassion and without judgement.  

Even after five, ten or even more years, we may be surprised to learn new things about our spouses or to learn new ways of communicating with each other. It is only when we are speaking truth in love, revealing our deepest fears and joys, and being good listeners will we grow in understanding and support of each other.  

Good communication grows our emotional connectedness with each other. We feel heard. We feel understood. We feel loved. 

Compliment 

Every person likes to be appreciated. A simple “Thank you” puts a smile even on a stranger’s face, what more for our nearest and dearest. When we are overwhelmed with problems in marriage and family, it can be hard to look for the silver lining in the grey clouds. But if we can change our perspective and start from a point of gratitude, we can view our circumstance through a new lens.  

Let’s start with complimenting our spouse, saying “thank you” for the good work that is done both in and outside the home; for mundane, unseen chores that keep the home running; for daily labour that provides for the family; for efforts to build family life. Sometimes we need to recall what attracted us to our spouse in the first place. Be thankful for all those good qualities and express it. 

Gratitude brings about more smiles which in turn leads to happier homes.  

Connect

Singaporeans are busy people. We have packed schedules and are often rushing from one thing to another. Life gets in the way when we are inundated with bills, responsibilities, chores and caregiving. And yet, we thrive on safe, secure, loving relationships that ground us and give us impetus to have meaningful and fulfilling lives.  

We need to take the effort to connect with our spouse no matter the season. 

Find things that both of you can enjoy together, whether it’s having a nice meal, going for a walk in the park or finding a common hobby. Revisit some of the things you used to enjoy together while you were dating. Find ways to spend quality time with each other. Physical touch and intimacy is so important in building connectedness as well. Don’t neglect such moments!  

While regular dates are a “nice to have”, in reality, it may not be an easy arrangement, especially once we have children. It is equally important to connect on a daily level where our thoughts and feelings are expressed and heard, where a simple “How was your day?” or “How can I help you?” is asked. That way, a simple dinner at home becomes a precious opportunity to connect emotionally over meaningful conversations.  

Commit

At the core of our marriages is the commitment we made to our spouses on our wedding day to love and cherish in all circumstances, good and bad. When love wanes, sometimes, we need to revisit this promise, be reminded of it and be willing to hold fast to the commitment that was made. Our promise to each other undergirds and gives meaning to all the efforts we make for the sake of our marriage, to keep loving one another.  

Marriage brings out the best and worst of us. We love deeply but also hurt intensely. Living with someone different from ourselves, raising children together or going through difficult circumstances can be very stressful. But, all good things take work. In time and with much effort, our marriages can be true blessings for ourselves and the people around us.  

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Join our upcoming Just Married workshop to learn the essential skills to building a thriving marriage.   

Habits Of Love I Learnt From My Family

The notion of ‘Family of origin’ was something I recently learnt in a Focus on The Family’s programme: ‘Family Future Makers’. Family of origin refers to the family that an individual was raised or born into.  In that session, I learnt the significance of the family of origin, and its impact on who I am today through introspection and reflection.  

How we relate with fellow family members, how family members relate with one another, and how each family member is like as an individual can all have an influence on who we are today.   

For me, my family of origin consists of my mum, dad, and my siblings – an older brother and sister. In this article, I will focus on how my father’s interactions with the rest of my family have shaped me for the better and for the worse. Let’s start with how it has shaped me for the better.  

How Dad shaped me for the better 

My father is a man of few words and is a perfect prototype of the ‘Asian father’. He is not the most expressive with words, but instead, his love is in the form of food and gifts. We never have a shortage of snacks at home, and even a slight mention of how a certain snack is nice would mean multiple restocks over the next few weeks.  

As I think about who I am today and the way I show love to others, I realised that my father’s method of silent love and quiet service was something I caught quite easily. I subtly think of others whenever I am out; sometimes I buy snacks or items that I remember that others had mentioned they needed in past conversations.  

It is a very natural thing for me to do, and I also feel glad when I see the joy in others when I love them through these small gifts.  

My father modelled to me how love can be through acts of provision and cultivated in me a habit of thinking of others. 

Learning to be more expressive 

My father’s silent love has also influenced how verbal I am about my thoughts and feelings. While I appreciate his method of love today, I did not always do so. When I was 15, after an argument with him, I remember thinking to myself: “He can only say hurtful things to me! He can’t even say ‘I love you’, is it really that hard? What’s the point of buying us (me and my siblings) so many things but he can’t do that?” 

While I swore to be different from my father in this aspect, I see that I too, also tend to keep my thoughts to myself and am not the most expressive person to my friends and even to my partner. One day, my partner made a passing comment about how I am not the most verbally expressive when it comes to my love for her but that she sees it through my actions. Her observation made me think about how I relate with friends and even family members. I realised that I was inclined to express my love through actions rather than words of appreciation. As a result, there were times when I fail to express my gratitude to the people around me well. I would awkwardly smile or buy them a gift, but rarely would I verbally express my gratitude.  Being on the receiving end of love that mostly expresses itself in actions, I know that gifts cannot fully replace verbally expressing how I feel.  

In recent years, I learnt from my mother that my father struggles to express himself because of his family of origin. Fights were frequent among his family members and there was much distrust even up till today. There were far more arguments than conversations between each family member. This has helped me understand why he choose to love through gifts instead of words.  

Growing up in such a hostile environment must have meant that staying silent and keeping to yourself was easier than trying to have conversations. Since then, I have learnt to see his actions of provision as a way he says, “I love you”.  

Thankfully, my father has also learnt to be more expressive towards us as the years past and I finally heard my father say those precious three words when I was 19, during my national service, which was a major milestone in our relationship! 

He has even started to be more open with his thoughts and feelings, though there are still times he would remain reserved. Lately, he even shared with us his thoughts about whether he should retire soon, which gave us a rare opportunity to support him emotionally – something I was glad to do seeing how much as he has supported us materially all these years. 

 Reflecting on how my father’s family of origin has shaped him and how my family of origin has shaped me and the way I love, has helped me to have a clearer idea on what I hope to bring into my future family.  

I hope to love like how my father did and is doing today. Providing for every need where I can and taking joy in meeting the needs of my wife and children.  

However, it also made clear to me what I hope to unlearn as I think about my future family. I want to unlearn thought patterns on how I am meant to keep everything to myself. Instead, I hope to be a husband and father that expresses his love to his family verbally and not just through material provision. I hope to never stop telling my loved ones that I love them and not assume that they know it.  

May you also be encouraged to think about your family of origin and how it has shaped you or is influencing who you are today, be it in a positive or negative way. By returning to our family of origin, we can shape our family of the future for the better. 

Author: Lam Zi Yang is a final year student at NUS pursuing a double major in Psychology and Business Management. In his free time, he enjoys going to the gym and playing with cats! 

The Family Future Makers programme provides development opportunities for young leaders who are keen to contribute as active citizens to uphold family values as foundational to nation-building in Singapore. For information on how to register for the next run, do write to us at: partnerships@family.org.sg.