When Motherhood Feels Like You’re Losing Yourself

Motherhood changes a person. We take on a new identity and a new role—one that we are mostly unprepared for; a role that may not come naturally, doesn’t always have straightforward answers and may require a whole lot of trial and error.  

Overnight, our world suddenly involves making sure that someone else is safe, loved and raised. We are thrown into situations we have no experience of, relying on the wisdom of those who have gone before—through books, the internet and maybe a friend’s tales. Most of us are just trying to figure it out along the way. 

The Changes In Motherhood 

Motherhood comes with multiple adjustments—the physical changes to our bodies through and after pregnancy; possibly the changes to our available capacities at our jobs; or a change in work status, choosing to stay home to raise children in this season; a change to our lifestyles as we have reduced time and energy for social activities and hobbies. It can feel like we are losing a big part of the person we used to be. Things are just not the same as before.  

A Mother’s Desire 

At the core of motherhood is also the desire to always want to do what is best for our children. From the moment we see those two lines on the pregnancy test kit to even after our adult child leaves the home, we never stop wondering, Have I done enough?” We never stop being mothers. 

In the myriad of decisions we make for ourselves and our children daily, we always wonder if there was a better choice. From choosing to stay at home and be the main caregiver, or to continue working outside the home; choosing to breastfeed or formula feed our babies; choosing schools, classes, activities; or choosing one discipline method over another.  

We feel pulled and stretched in all directions, trying to meet expectations and fulfil each of our roles as wife, mother, worker, daughter. We try to do everything to the best of our ability and yet sometimes still feel like we fall short. 

In the light of these changes and expectations, it is too easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted and discouraged. How do we get used to this new normal? How do we navigate motherhood through societal expectations while also meeting our family’s needs?  

1. Avoid comparisons 

Motherhood is not a competition. We are all on our own paths. Our family and life circumstances are all different and therefore demands different choices and responses.  

It is too easy to look over our shoulder and think, That mum looks like she has the better life. I wish I had that.” Comparison is a thief of joy. Truth be told, we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. We get distracted into thinking that only when we have a certain life will our families be happy.  

While it is helpful to glean wisdom from other women that we admire and look up to, we need to discern how to fit that wisdom into our own unique situation. Not everything may be directly applied.  

We need to grow to be confident in our choices and tell ourselves, it is ok if my family looks different. 

2. Give yourself time to figure things out

Motherhood is a long journey that is filled with constant changes. We don’t figure out motherhood in an instance. Just as we think we’ve mastered one aspect of motherhood, a new challenge emerges, and the learning begins all over again. Nothing ever stays the same in motherhood. We need to trust the process. 

Give ourselves time to find our own pace, figure out what works for our families and manage our own expectations. As our children grow, their needs will evolve, and we likewise will have to adapt alongside them. As with any new job or responsibility, we take time to learn the task, pick up the skills and get better at the role over time. 

Be kind to ourselves and give ourselves grace to learn, make mistakes and grow from it. 

3. Accept help 

Motherhood is not meant to be a solo act. Mothers are a strong bunch. We are master jugglers, multitaskers, jack of all trades. We have interests and passions, dreams and goals. If we could, we would do them all. But we have the same 24 hours and in reality, we probably cannot do it all on our own. It is far too likely that we are stretched thin and exhausted.  

We need to be willing to ask for and accept help. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. Beyond the practical help we may receive from physically caring for children, we also need to learn to manage our mental load and receive emotional support from friends and loved ones. This may look like getting to know other mothers who can empathise and understand what we are going through. Friendships make the journey less lonely.  

Find trusted friends who will listen and encourage us, filling our emotional tank through this challenging season of motherhood, which in turn, fuels us to keep caring for our children.

Motherhood is both terrifying and exhilarating; worrying and fulfilling. It sometimes brings us to our knees in tears and frustration, and at other moments, lifts our spirits and brings much joy to our hearts because somehow, that is what children do to us.  

We may not have it all, and we may not know it all, but we sure try and give it our all. That is worth celebrating! 

The Future of Healthy Sexuality

Increasing loneliness and disconnection, rise of porn addiction and voyeurism, rise of AI companions, and confusion over sexuality and identity — these worrying trends have arisen among married couples and the youth, and they seem set to intensify and to shape our children’s attitudes and behaviour.
 
How can we strengthen marital connection to stand against the tide of physical and emotional infidelity? How can we future-proof our children and youths when it comes to sexual and relational issues such as these? 
 
Get a grasp of the underlying factors driving such trends, and be equipped with tools to train the hearts and minds of the next generation so they desire what is good, timeless, and true.
 
Through this masterclass, you will gain: 
  • Latest trends on sexuality and sexual issues – globally and in the region
  • Insights and perspectives from practitioners on the ground
  • Tried-and-tested approaches on guiding the next generation’s mindset toward healthy and holistic sexuality
 
Join us as we facilitate these critical conversations and co-create solutions to get ahead of the challenges.
 
Who should attend?
  • Educators
  • Parents
  • People in the helping profession
  • Leaders serving in faith-based or community organisations

Details

DATE: Fri, 22 Aug 2025

TIME: 9am - 4pm

VENUE: 151 Lorong Chuan, #02-06, New Tech Park, Singapore 556741

FEE: 

  • Regular rate: $108 per person
  • Group rate: $300 for group of 4 (Save more when you sign up together!)

    Morning tea and lunch will be provided.

    Closing date Mon, 11 Aug 2025

PLENARY 1: UNCOVERING THE UNSPOKEN: SEXUALITY'S IMPACT ON THE FAMILY

    • Understand how sexual issues and challenges impact the marriage and spousal dynamics 
    • Learn about the impact of sexual addiction and/or sexual dysfunction on marriages, as well as possible influences on children.  

MODERATOR


Alicia Boo
Chief, Impact and Principal Counsellor
Focus on the Family Singapore

SPEAKERS


Benny Bong
 
Family and Marital Therapist with over forty years of experience. Author of Couples in Crisis (2008) and Restoration: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life (2025). 


 Jason and Shelen Ang
have a passion for strengthening marriages and families. They have been training in the areas of dating, marriage, and parenting, and are equipped to do marital profiling and couple assessments. They are married for over 20 years and are parents to two boys.

Morning Breakout Session

Choose the discussion that best aligns with your interest or professional focus.

Discover ways to empower families to
nurture healthy sexuality through open,
values-based conversations at home.

SPEAKER

Gary Koh & Joanna Koh-Hoe
Gary is a family counsellor and Joanna served as CEO of local charity Focus on the Family Singapore for 21 years.

Explore the roots of sexual dysfunction and its impact on marital health and intimacy and family well-being. How might we work towards mindset and behavioural change in the therapeutic journey?


SPEAKER

Benny Bong
Family and Marital Therapist with over forty years of experience. Author of Couples in Crisis (2008) and Restorations: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life (2025). 

PLENARY 2: NEXT-GEN SEXUAL ISSUES

  • Insights on key trends, issues and challenges occurring at the intersection of youth and sexuality 
  • Uncover risk factors and protective factors 
  • Discover practical tips and solutions, beginning with strengthening family relationships 

MODERATOR


 Joshua Liong
Principal Trainer
Focus on the Family Singapore

SPEAKERS


Dr. Tsao I Ting
 Clinical Psychologist with more than 15 years of experience across public and private settings, specialising in working through complex relational dynamics, be it between couples or parent-child relationships.


Dr. Ng Liang Wei

Director of Sexual Wholeness Services at Lakeside Family Services and Executive Director of Indigo & Co – a charity that focuses on sexuality and gender identity.
 


Michelle Soon 
An educator and commissioned Colson Fellow, trained to engage culture today with the Christian worldview. She’s passionate about fostering strong family relationships and encouraging a healthy view of sex and sexuality.

Afternoon Breakout Session

Choose the discussion that best aligns with your interest or professional focus.

Get practical insights to guide youths in finding clarity and confidence in their sexual identity and sexual values amidst the clutter and confusion of the digital age.


SPEAKER

 

Dr. Tsao I Ting
Clinical Psychologist with more than 15 years of experience across public and private settings, specialising in working through complex relational dynamics, be it between couples or parent-child relationships.

Equip young people with tools to recognise and address common sexual struggles in a hypersexualised age. Discover the keys to building rapport and achieving therapeutic goals.

SPEAKER

 

Dr. Ng Liang Wei
Director of Sexual Wholeness Services at Lakeside Family Services and Executive Director of Indigo & Co – a charity that focuses on sexuality and gender identity.
 

Interest List

Frequently Asked Questions

The Group Rate applies to groups of 4 people. If your group has a 5th person, they can register separately before 7 Jul to enjoy the Early Bird rate. Or, you can gather more people and register as another group of 4!  

Tickets are non-refundable. We encourage you to find a replacement should you not be able to make it after purchasing your ticket. Requests for transfer of registration will be accepted until 14 Aug 2025. Please email us at Corpcomms@family.org.sg.

Recordings of the session will not be made available post-event. Please mark the date in your calendar so you do not miss this event. 

For any event enquiries, please contact us at Corpcomms@family.org.sg

The Organiser reserves the rights to cancel or reschedule the event due to unforeseen circumstances. Every effort, however, will be made to inform participants as soon as possible of the change. For cancellation of event by the Organiser, fees will be refunded in full. 

GE2025 – Wishlist of a First-Time Voter and an Expecting Dad

My wife, Andrea, and I got married last year, and we’re expecting our first child in three months. That’s two major life transitions in a single year — all at the tender age of 26! 

As I prepare to vote for the first time this coming General Election, the first person I think of is our unborn daughter. It is sobering to know that the choices we make today will shape the Singapore she grows up in tomorrow. 

Pregnancy has been a beautiful journey — one of imagining who our daughter might be – what brings her joy, how her eyes will look like, and what kind of world she’ll inherit. And that’s where my heart keeps returning: the kind of Singapore I want her to call home.  

Here are six dreams I carry as I prepare to cast my first vote — not just as a citizen, but as a husband and father. 

My dream is that my daughter will be defined by more than her academic results. I hope that when she sits for the PSLE, she won’t be crushed by the pressure to perform 

1. Generational love and unity 

My dream is for my daughter to grow up in a Singapore where generations live in unity, beginning in our homes.  

I dream of a family culture where honour flows naturally between the young and old – and this starts with a strong bond with my daughter.  

At Chinese New Year, I want my children to give their heartfelt blessing to their elders (our parents), not just to receive an ang bao, but because they truly respect the older generation and the many sacrifices they’ve made for them. 

This culture of honouring the older generations starts at home.  

Andrea and I are blessed to have our child early in marriage, and her great-grandparents will get to meet her. We believe she will be a bridge between generations – bringing much life and joy to our grandmothers even in their sunset years.  

Looking beyond our family, what could inter-generational unity look like in our nation? 

Imagine a Singapore where schools, workplaces, and hawker centres are marked by strong bonds and trust between the different generations.  

Teachers don’t just teach a subject but nurture the future minds and hearts of our nation, through genuine care for their students. Imagine students expressing genuine appreciation for their teachers and the sacrifices they make for them – whether that’s spending extra time with them after school to help them understand harder concepts, or calling out a hidden strength in them. 

Imagine workplaces where interns are mentored, not just instructed to do menial tasks. 

Imagine our public places of communion such as the hawker centre, where our children greet the auntie clearing our tables with a genuine smile and a thank you – seeing her as her person, beyond the task she is doing.  

This kind of mutual respect doesn’t just happen — it’s built one home, one community, one interaction at a time. 

There’s so much more to each person we meet in our daily interactions than just their jobs. I dream of a Singapore where people aren’t solely defined by their work, but we are acknowledged as people. 

2. Children will be defined beyond their grades 

My dream is that my daughter will be defined by more than her academic results. I hope that when she sits for the PSLE, she won’t be crushed by the pressure to perform.  

I hope she’ll grow up in a school ecosystem that partners with us to shape her character, beyond her grades. Where teachers see her as a whole person, not just a student.  

I want to receive a call not just when she’s in trouble, but when she helps a classmate, or displays sportsmanship at a competition.  

The Edusave Character Award and Edusave Award for Achievement, Good Leadership and Service show that our schools values leadership and character, not just good grades.  

But more can be done, starting in our homes.  

Maybe then, festive gatherings will have conversations that go beyond, “Which school are you in?” or “How well did you do for your exams?” – to include questions like, “How are you enjoying learning in school? What’s something interesting your teacher taught you lately?” 

When our conversations shift from performance to the love of learning and discovery, we will notice a slow shift in how we talk about children – to focus more on their process, beyond the results.    

3. A culture that sees people beyond their jobs

The other day, my wife and I were queuing to pay for our food at Muji café, and I noticed the service staff were wearing name tags. When it was our turn to pay, I looked him in the eye and with a big smile, thanked him by name. 

He paused for a few seconds, before breaking into a smile, and proceeded to return me my change.  

I’m guessing it took him a while to register that to me, he was not just the guy serving me my food, but he was a human with a name and a story.  

There’s so much more to each person we meet in our daily interactions than just their jobs. I dream of a Singapore where people aren’t solely defined by their work, but we are acknowledged as people 

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that purpose isn’t just in productivity, and that every role—from the hawker aunty to Grab delivery rider to the business owner—has dignity. 

I want her to know that being a good friend, a kind neighbour, or a daughter matters just as much as landing a high-paying job. 

And this mindset has to be first shaped at home.  

I want to affirm my daughter how beautiful and loved she is, to whisper to her daily that she is cherished by her father. Beyond her academic achievements and career choices, I want to commend her effort, her choices, and her dreams. 

I hope my daughter will grow up knowing the love of a father. I want to be both physically and emotionally present with her, especially in her formative years. 

4. A safe environment for children 

My family just secured our Build to Order Flat (BTO) a few months back, and we are excited to build our first home as the Ong family.  

As we were looking at the HDB models while selecting our flat, we couldn’t help but dream of where our kids would play, who our neighbours would be, and which school she would attend.  

Here in Singapore, we are so privileged to have a community to work, play and rest in –whether that’s in our housing estate, in school, or our faith community. With an ecosystem of support, my daughter will grow up to have wholesome influences in her life beyond our home.  

In school, her teachers and coaches will sharpen her skills academically, in sports and the arts.  

In our community and extended family, she will have mentors and family members who would love her and develop her in ways beyond what my wife and I can offer.  

In our estate, she will make good friends at the playground and befriend the uncles and aunties in our neighbourhood. 

In such a safe and supportive environment, hopefully other families will also be thriving. When families flourish, children grow up with a deep sense of security, belonging, and purpose. This is where our daughter to develop a strong sense of identity and belonging—first at home, then in our local community, and in our nation Singapore. 

After all, it takes a village to raise a child, and we know we cannot do it on our own! 

We need narratives that celebrate faithful marriages. We need good and committed mentors in the community who will walk young couples through the tough seasons, not just marriage preparation. 

5. Each person will know the love of a father 

I hope my daughter will grow up knowing the love of a father. 

I want to be both physically and emotionally present with her, especially in her formative years. I want to be the kind of father who listens, protects, provides, teaches, and plays with her. 

There’s a unique confidence a child carries when they know the strength of a father. They are deeply secure and confident in their identity, and more resilient when navigating life’s complexities.  

In our culture, mothers have predominantly played the role of the caregiver, but things are slowly beginning to shift as fathers are becoming equally involved as mothers.  

Even in our workplace policies, paternity leave has been increased to four weeks, the shared parental leave scheme has been introduced, and beyond that, my workplace has a suite of other family-friendly workplace policies 

Beyond policy, I hope that the culture in Singapore will be one which values the role of a father.  

I have experienced this at my hospital visits to KKH – where the doctors affirmed my attitude when I displayed a keenness to find out more about my wife’s pregnancy and how to support our growing baby.  

Let’s continue to build the ecosystems that support fathers—workplaces that champion paternity leave, community groups that equip and supports fathers, and media that portray strong father figures who lead their families with strength and love.   

6. Marriage will be desirable  

I dream that marriage will once again be a hopeful and desirable milestone for young Singaporeans. 

I know marriage isn’t easy. But with the right preparation and support, it brings much stability to children, and strength to our society. 

We need narratives that celebrate faithful marriages. We need good and committed mentors in the community who will walk young couples through the tough seasons, not just marriage preparation. 

And we need policies that support couples as they begin married life—affordable housing, child support, and family-friendly workplaces. 

Andrea and I chose to get married young, because we desired to build a shared life early. We have found that commitment and a shared vision can weather even the hardest days and our hardest fights, but that’s a story for another day. 

If our daughter sees a marriage marked by grace and forgiveness, hopefully she might one day desire the same. 

As I prepare to cast my vote in GE2025, I carry these dreams with me — not just as a citizen, but as a husband and father. 

Singapore is not perfect. But it is our home. If we build well — with honour, love, and courage — I believe our children will inherit a nation worth loving. 

And that’s a future I look forward to. 

10 Strategies to Help Our Children Navigate a “BANI” World

In recent years, we have witnessed a series of challenges that test our resilience:  

Regional wars.  

Deepfakes and DeepSeek.  

World leaderships changing hands at breakneck speed.  

Climate and man-made disasters popping up both in frequency and volume as quickly as a game of whack-a-mole. 

While many are familiar with the concept of a VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) world, some experts now suggest that our reality is better described as a BANI world. (Fun fact: VUCA was actually coined as far back as 1987 by the US Army War College, so I’m sure you’ll agree it’s nothing new) 

BANI stands for Brittle, Anxious, Non-Linear and Incomprehensible.  

This is an acronym created in 2018 by American futurist and writer Jamias Cascio to help update the vocabulary we need to describe this world we now live in. 

In a BANI world, what appears strong may in fact be fragile. The foundations we assume are unshakable can be surprisingly vulnerable. 

Understanding the BANI World 

Drawn from an article found in Forbes, below is a quick introduction to this description of our world: 

Brittle – The Illusion of Strength  

In a BANI world, what appears strong may in fact be fragile. The foundations we assume are unshakable can be surprisingly vulnerable—whether that be our public health or financial systems, geopolitical stability, and job security. It is illusory strength, the belief that “everything will be alright” and the assumption that everything we build our life on is secure, except that they aren’t.  

Anxious – The Illusion of Control  

Anxiety refers to a feeling of helplessness, of being overwhelmed by everything that one faces. It comes with stress and a fear of not being able to cope with what’s constantly happening in the world. We will never really know what will come, making it hard or impossible to make the “right” decisions free of risks. 

Non-linear – The Illusion of Predictability  

Life rarely follows a straight path. Instead, we encounter detours, dead ends, and unexpected outcomes along the way. Embracing this non-linearity enables us to become more adaptable and resourceful when confronted with change. 

Incomprehensible – The Illusion of Knowledge  

Finally, incomprehensible refers to people’s experience that they don’t understand what is going on. They can’t oversee it, can’t grasp it, can’t interpret what happens, and why. This means they can’t find the answers they are looking for and, as far as they do get answers, they can’t fully make sense of them either. Accepting that not everything in life can be neatly explained is liberating, prompting us to seek new perspectives and learn continuously. 

We would be bubble-wrapping our kids if we told them that life would be relatively pain-free, or that it could be carefully curated to fit our needs and lifestyles. 

Helping Our Children Thrive in a BANI World 

As parents, we need to prepare our kids for a reality that can be unpredictable and difficult to control. We would be bubble-wrapping our kids if we told them that life would be relatively pain-free, or that it could be carefully curated to fit our needs and lifestyles the way social media may appear to on the surface. 

Even the mundane events we plan for them daily, like attending classes or weekend enrichments, cannot entirely shield them from unexpected challenges. So, what can we do as parents to help our children thrive in a BANI world? 

Here are ten practical strategies: 

1. Foster Resilience

Since the world is brittle and full of unexpected changes, we need to equip our children with mental resilience. Encourage them to see failures as learning opportunities rather than setbacks. Teaching problem-solving skills and fostering a growth mindset can help them handle disappointments and uncertainties better. 

2. Teach Emotional Regulation

Anxiety is a natural response in a world that seems out of control. Help your children develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Techniques like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and journaling can be useful tools to manage stress and anxiety effectively.

3. Encourage Adaptability

Given that the world is non-linear, it’s important to teach children to embrace flexibility. Encourage them to be open to change and adaptable in the face of unexpected events. Knowing how to pivot when things don’t go as planned is a valuable life skill. 

4. Promote Critical Thinking

Incomprehensibility means that not everything is clear-cut or straightforward. Teach your kids to question information critically, verify sources, and develop the ability to analyse complex situations. This will help them make sense of the world even when things seem chaotic. 

5. Provide Stability at Home

While we cannot control external factors, we can create a sense of security at home. Establishing routines, setting clear expectations, and providing a supportive environment can help children feel safe and grounded despite the world’s uncertainties. 

6. Encourage Lifelong Learning

Since knowledge is constantly evolving, children need to develop a love for learning. Teach them that education doesn’t stop at school—it’s a lifelong process. Introduce them to new ideas, skills, and perspectives that will help them stay adaptable and informed. 

7. Model Resilience and Adaptability

Children learn best by observing their parents. Show them through your actions how to cope with challenges, remain calm in difficult situations, and bounce back from adversity. Your example will be more powerful than any lecture.

8. Develop Strong Community Ties

In a volatile world, a strong support system is crucial. Encourage children to build meaningful relationships with family, friends, and mentors who can guide and support them in times of uncertainty.

9. Limit Exposure to Negative Media

While staying informed is important, excessive exposure to negative news can increase anxiety. Teach children how to filter information, recognise when their emotions get triggered, and focus on constructive and solution-based narratives. Better yet, have family conversations on how we might do our part in addressing some of these societal challenges

10. Encourage Purpose and Meaning

Finally, children need to have a sense of purpose. Help them find passions and causes that inspire them. Having a strong “why” can anchor them in times of uncertainty and provide motivation to keep moving forward. 

Our children don’t need parents who have all the answers—they need parents who are committed to grow with them.

While the world may feel brittle, anxious, non-linear, and incomprehensible, we are not powerless. As we reflect on these strategies, it’s important to acknowledge that parenting in a BANI world is no simple feat. The realities we face are complex, and while the principles outlined here may serve as guidelines, their application will look different for every family. 

But if there’s one thing to take away, it’s this: you don’t have to get everything right. Our children don’t need parents who have all the answers—they need parents who are committed to grow with them. The goal isn’t perfection, but rather—with love, wisdom, and intentional effort, we can raise resilient, adaptable children who are prepared to face the future head-on.  

When Should I Start Talking to My Child About Sex?

Talking to Your Child About Sex: A Guide for Parents 

Discussing sex with your child can feel awkward and daunting, but it’s an essential part of their development. We recommend approaching the topic early, when your child is around the age of four or five, as we set the tone by being their first source of information in this important area of life.  

Furthermore, by starting young, our kids generally don’t feel as awkward about the topic, as they would be more curious and open to listening to what you have to say. Broaching the subject in teenhood is another matter altogether, as the teen awkwardness would have usually started, and they may have already heard things from their friends.  

By applying openness and honesty, you can help your child understand their bodies, relationships, and boundaries that can help keep them safe.  

Here’s a guide to help you navigate these conversations with ease. 

Preschool years (4-6 Years)  

Laying the Foundation

At this age, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the differences between boys and girls. Use simple, accurate language to answer their questions.  

For example, if your child asks where babies come from, you can say, “Babies grow in a special place inside their mommy’s tummy called the uterus.” Or they may ask: “Why are boys and girls’ bodies different? 

Emphasise the importance of privacy and having safe boundaries for themselves. For example, what is good versus bad touch? This will help us set up safeguards against sexual abuse. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)   

Building on Basics 

As children grow, their questions may become more detailed. Continue to provide accurate information and encourage open communication. You can introduce the concept of puberty and explain that their bodies will go through changes as they grow older. For example, you might say, “During puberty, your body will start to change, and you’ll notice things like hair growing in new places and your voice getting deeper.” 

Check out our Talk About Sex video on What is Puberty? It’s designed for parent-and-child to view together.  

Tween years (10-12 years)   

Preparing for Puberty

By this age, children are likely to have heard some information about sex from friends, media, or school. It’s crucial to provide them with accurate information and address any misconceptions. Start by discussing what makes a healthy relationship, and what red flags to watch out for.  

Also, help your tween understand why porn is unhealthy for them, and why it can be so addictive. 

General Tips for All Ages 

  1. Be approachable: Let your child know they can come to you with any questions or concerns. 
  2. Use age-appropriate language: Tailor your explanations to your child’s level of understanding. 
  3. Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for your child to express their thoughts and feelings. 
  4. Be honest: Provide accurate information and correct any misconceptions. 
  5. Respect their privacy: Allow your child to ask questions and share their thoughts without judgment. 

Remember, talking to our children about sex is an ongoing conversation. Starting young helps us lay a good foundation for more conversations and trickier topics.  

By being open, honest, and supportive, we are their best guides to help them navigate this area of their development with confidence. 

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!

Learning the Value of “Yes” and “No”

Tween years (10-12) 

One of the best gifts we can give our kids is the belief that their voice matters. Another is the belief that everyone matters.  

When we teach our children to say “no” or to express what they want even if they feel unsure or intimidated, we are helping them grow into people who can say “yes” and “no”. It also helps them respect another person’s “yes” or “no” accordingly.  

Be age appropriate – As we teach them about body autonomy, run through a range of interactions and role-play on how they can stand by their “no”, for example, “I already said no. I am calling the teacher”. Help them learn to articulate what they feel with a firm voice and assertive body language, through different scenarios.   

These can include examples like if a boy in your class tries to hold your hand, if a girl wants to hug you for a long time, or if a classmate calls you his girlfriend.  

Help them process their thoughts – Who would I allow to do these? What does it mean for me and for the other party if I agree to it? What if I am okay with it for a while but then feel uncomfortable?   

Many tweens at this age start to feel the first stirrings of romantic attraction, so do have talks about the place of physical intimacy within a committed relationship. Rather than being overly uptight or stern, adopt a laid-back, natural approach to normalise talks about such topics. 

Check out our video series for practical handles on how to have such conversations! 

We should emphasise that every person matters and that is why we should always respect someone’s “no”, even if it is against what you prefer. We can also teach our kids to honour others – that is, to see them as valuable and to be treated with respect This helps to mitigate any future scenarios where our child may feel like it is okay to go against another person’s wishes for their own pleasure

Teen years (13-15)  

Emerging years (16-19)  

As your kid grows older, emphasise that they can say “no” even if they have said “yes” earlier to something. For example, if they said “yes” to going to someone’s house but they felt uncomfortable as their friend started to show them inappropriate videos, they have every right to say “no, I am going home now” and do it.  

The talk about consent must happen with both our sons and daughters and if possible, involve both Dad and Mum since both have unique perspectives and our teens may want to ask different questions to either. 

We should also highlight that sex and physical intimacy with someone is meant to be special and consensual. Consent, however, should not be the only consideration, because sex is more than just a physical act. There are also emotional, psychological and relational dimensions to consider. Because of the power of sex to bind two people together emotionally, and to create new life, it is best to reserve it for marriage. 

With your older teenagers who are in relationships, you may also want to talk through physical boundaries and discuss what they can do if those boundaries are threatened. 

Some teens may find sexual boundaries within relationships to be a grey area with the idea that “since 
we are in a relationship, these are the things we do”. Help them realise that stereotypical expectations 
for physical touch do not need to apply to their relationship, and talk through with them on how they 
can communicate their preferences. 

Questions to help them process all these could be “If you are going over to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s 
house when there is no one else there, do you think he or she may assume you are open to sexual contact?”, “What would you do if you are kissing and they want to go further?” “Do you find it difficult 
to express how you feel if it’s contrary to what your partner wants?” 

While our children are starting to become young adults, they are never too old for a loving parent’s listening ear and our regular reminders of their value and worth. It is important that we hold a nothing-is-taboo approach to conversations with our teens and to be a safe place. We do so when we empathise with the struggles that they might face in learning right and wrong regarding sexuality, and are still growing in their decision-making.  

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Positive Discipline: Why it’s Useful and 3 Ways to Practise it

The term “discipline” often brings to mind strict authority and punishment, shaped by our upbringing and culture.  

Yet, discipline is not the same as punishment. While punishment imposes consequences for undesirable behaviour, discipline guides individuals toward actions that benefit both themselves and others. 

Alicia Yah, a mother of four and a seasoned early childhood educator with over 23 years of experience, champions the approach of positive discipline. She believes a supportive, respectful environment is essential for nurturing children’s growth. 

“Positive discipline is a philosophy and set of practices that aim to teach and guide children by fostering a respectful and supportive environment,” Alicia explains. 

This approach contrasts with fear-based discipline, which is often associated with control through punishment. Alicia explains, “Instead of using punishment to control behaviour, positive discipline focuses on encouraging good behaviour through positive reinforcement, empathy, and setting clear and consistent boundaries.”  

While fear-based punishment may prompt quick compliance, positive discipline nurtures self-discipline and the internal motivation to do what’s right. Children learn responsibility as they are guided to understand and own their actions. This approach also builds trust between parent and child by fostering respect and open communication, rather than fear. 

Ready to start? Here are three principles for implementing positive discipline with your child: 

Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

1. Establishing consistent boundaries 

Establishing consistent boundaries is essential as children develop their own understanding of limits and safety. 

“Children do not know where the boundaries are, and as parents, we need to guide and teach them,” Alicia said. She encourages parents to explain the consequences of certain actions rather than using punishment to enforce compliance. For example, saying, “If you run across the road like this, you could get hurt should a car hit you,” helps children understand why limits are important. 

Consistency is crucial. If we set a rule—for instance, turning off the television at a specific time—we need to follow through with any stated consequence if the rule isn’t respected. Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

When boundaries are enforced with shouting or fear, it can signal to children that aggression is an acceptable response. Alicia reminds us to act as role models, and to be aware that our actions will shape our children’s behaviour.  

She also offers reassurance for those moments when we fall short and lose our temper. “As long as you want to connect with your child and make it right, we can be intentional to say sorry and try again. My encouragement to all parents is that we are not born ready-made parents; we will journey with our children. It’s okay for them to see us fail, as long as they also see our determination to return with greater resolve to parent well and be more patient,” she said. 

Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch. 

2. Connect before you correct

Some parents may worry that a respectful, connection-focused approach undermines their authority. In reality, maintaining boundaries while valuing connection fosters security and resilience in children. 

Power struggles can damage trust, so it’s helpful for spouses to support each other during challenging moments. Teaching children to “try again” after a mistake can also help. Alicia shared, “This is something that I do with my children—I ask, ‘Would you like to try again?’ Even my youngest, at four, can ask me that when I fall short, which signals to me that they are picking up this strategy as well.” 

When a child is upset, choosing not to mirror their frustration but staying nearby and being ready to connect can strengthen the bond. “Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch,” Alicia added. Hugging them when they have done something wrong communicates that you still love and accept them, even if you disapprove of their behaviour. 

Allow the child to calm down before addressing their behaviour. Prioritise connection over immediate correction, showing that you value them as a person, beyond correcting their actions.  

3. Co-creating solutions with your child

Once a child is calm, a collaborative approach can guide them toward understanding their actions and help them find alternative solutions. 

 “For example, if my child has shown inappropriate behaviour, after calming down, I might ask, ‘If you face this situation again, what would you do differently?’ Then, he can come up with a solution,” Alicia explained. “If the situation recurs and the solution doesn’t work, we discuss what went wrong and try again. This way, the child learns responsibility and knows that I am here to journey with them.” 

 As children grow older, involving them in co-creating solutions and boundaries not only builds their confidence but also shows that their ideas are valued. “The last thing we want is for our child to feel rejected or abandoned because of an inappropriate behaviour,” Alicia emphasised. 

Being a present parent means demonstrating consistency in our boundary-setting, maintaining connection, and engaging in co-creating solutions with our children. By embracing positive discipline, we empower children to grow and learn from their mistakes within a secure, loving relationship. 

5 Ways to Build a Strong Family while Balancing Work and Studies

Last week, I found myself overwhelmed by a major work project. We had to set up engagement meetings for a launch next year, and I was also juggling final assignments for my semester—one on a complex topic I wasn’t familiar with.  

 On top of that, I was in the midst of applying for practicum sites for my counselling studies, while balancing time with my wife and young children at home. 

 Many readers may relate to the challenge of balancing multiple responsibilities. Some thrive on it, while others feel stretched, wondering if they’re doing enough for their families. Here, I share 5 lessons that have helped me find stability and purpose, even during life’s busiest times. 

“Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages.” 

1. Prioritise building strong family bonds  

I believe in the power of strong family bonds. Healthy family relationships provide essential emotional support, offering warmth and security that few other things in life can match. 

Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages. I’m grateful for how my wife listens to my frustrations, and I make it a point to do the same for her. During last week’s stressful period, her understanding gave me the perspective and strength I needed. 

Parenting can also be surprisingly comforting. Although it takes time and energy, our children’s affection can bring joy and ease our tensions. My son’s little notes, hugs, and gifts remind me of what truly matters in life. 

2. Extend support beyond your family 

These principles for building strong family connections can be extended to friendships and workplace relationships. Friendships, whether at work or elsewhere, can offer us support, especially in challenging times.  

Beyond our peers, open and respectful communication with our supervisors also fosters a healthy work environment. Last week, a helpful conversation with my supervisor gave me the support I needed on a project, and allowed me to deprioritise tasks that didn’t serve my goals. This freed my time up for other equally meaningful pursuits at home and in my studies. 

“Family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions.” 

3. Let go of perfection 

When we juggle multiple responsibilities, it’s unrealistic to expect a perfect outcome for every task. For instance, I learned that achieving straight A’s in my postgraduate studies wasn’t feasible while managing other commitments. Similarly, expecting endless emotional availability from myself or my family wasn’t reasonable, so I had to extend grace to my family members (and similarly receive the same from them too). 

 

4. Set realistic goals to prioritise what matters 

Adjusting our expectations is key to managing stress during intense periods at work and school. While excelling in our careers and studies is important, we should avoid compromising our core relationships in the pursuit of achievements.  

Knowing my values and committing to them helps me find balance. So for me, family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions at work and in my school.  

Ironically, releasing myself from the pressure to excel academically has improved my performance, as I became less anxious and more focused. 

As the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, Albert Ellis, once said, “People tend to disturb themselves with their ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s.” By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can focus on what truly matters and develop greater resilience for life. 

“Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons.” 

5. Tend to our own needs 

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of balancing life’s demands is ensuring our own needs are met. We wouldn’t expect a car to carry passengers and baggage if it’s out of fuel, yet we often overlook our own “fuel tanks.” Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons. 

How do we know if we’re meeting our needs effectively? William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, identifies five basic human needs: 

i. Love and belonging: The need for connection, affection, and acceptance from others. 

ii. Power: The need for achievement, competence, and recognition.   

iii. Freedom: The need for autonomy and the ability to make choices. 

iv. Fun: The need for enjoyment, play, and creativity.  

v. Survival: The basic need for physical health, safety, and security.  

 

Checking our need-o-meter can serve as a reminder to care for ourselves. We may start small, like rewarding ourselves with a nice meal after a busy week (meeting our fun and survival needs) or seeking alignment between our career and personal strengths (meeting our need for power and freedom). 

Remember, balance requires flexibility. By periodically assessing and meeting our needs, we can handle life’s demands with greater purpose and intentionality. 

 In season and out of season 

Nature teaches us valuable lessons about balance. Just as fruits thrive in their own seasons, and climates shift throughout the year, our lives also cycle through seasons of activity and rest.  

 We can’t sustain peak performance indefinitely without risking our most important relationships and well-being. Let’s prioritise what truly matters, invest in our support systems, and give ourselves the grace to adapt to life’s changing seasons. This way, we can emerge from each season with renewed strength and insight. 

Kids Who Do Good Feel Good: How Volunteering Boosts Kids’ Happiness

Volunteering is often thought of as an adult responsibility, yet involving children in acts of service can bring lasting rewards that go far beyond the moment. For many families, giving back together not only strengthens bonds but also nurtures empathy, character, and a sense of purpose in young hearts.  

Read on to discover how three families—Ee Jay, Clement, and Daryl and Melissa Sung—began their volunteering journey and how the experience has enriched their children’s lives. 

The spark of inspiration 

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Ee Jay’s mother fixing a figuring as gift for donors. Photo courtesy of Ee Jay.


For Ee Jay, a dinner conversation with his familysparked an idea for an intergenerational project that would unite his mother, son, and himself around a common cause. 

“I saw my mum’s passion for making miniature figurines and thought, why not use that for good?” Ee Jay said. What started as a simple family activity led to a crowdfunding project where these figurines were given to donors as appreciation gifts. Soon, Ee Jay’s young son joined in, turning it into a meaningful family activity.  

“Working on this project together allowed me to spend more time with my mum and son, and it taught my son, Daniel, the importance of doing something for others, beyond just focusing on what he wants,” added Ee Jay. 

Similarly, Clement Cheong and his family were inspired by an event hosted by Focus on the Family Singapore, where they saw volunteers giving towards a common cause. This shared sense of purpose resonated deeply with them. “We wanted to give back as a family,” Clement explained.  

The Cheong family’s first major project was a flag day, where the children chipped in to collect donations, even though it was a hot day. It was a lesson in resilience as they persevered despite the weather, experiencing first-hand the hard work that is often involved in serving others. 

For Daryl and Melissa Sung, family service became a priority during the COVID-19 pandemic. “We wanted to make acts of service one of our core family values, and the pandemic gave us an opportunity to do it more intentionally for other families, Melissa said.

Their daughters helped in various activities, such as baking cookies for fundraisers and assembling gift items. These experiences laid the foundation for important life lessons in teamwork and responsibility. As Daryl puts it, “What better way for children to learn teamwork than for them to understand that their first team is their family. And for them to learn to serve together with their family.  

My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less. 

Learning life lessons together 

Volunteering as a family offers a wealth of lessons.  

Clement’s children learned a lot about empathy through their experiences. Meeting people from diverse backgrounds taught them to see life from different perspectives. “My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less,” Clement reflected. This new understanding has given them a more compassionate outlook, especially towards friends who may come from different family situations. 

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The Sung Family. Photo courtesy of Daryl.


For Daryl and Melissa’s daughters, volunteering was an exercise in patience and commitment. While they enjoyed activities like baking, the repetition sometimes led to fatigue. “They learned that volunteering is not a quick task—it requires dedication,” Melissa explained. Through discussions about the purpose of their efforts, the children understood that their work was part of a larger cause, helping them value their contributions more deeply, and to persevere when they were tired, because “the end product [is more than just selling cookies or writing cards], but the funds they raise is to benefit the lives of other families.

Overcoming challenges as a family

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Clement volunteering with his family at a Focus on the Family Singapore event. Photo courtesy of Clement.
 
Volunteering as a family isn’t without its hurdles. Ee Jay’s family had to coordinate schedules across three generations and face the challenge of producing detailed and quality figurines that could be used as a gift for donors.  
 
Similarly, Clement’s family encountered moments of frustration due to clashing personalities. “At times, we focused on what each other couldn’t do instead of what we could bring to the table,” Clement shared. But by learning to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses within the family, they turned these challenges into opportunities for growth. 
Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew. I cherish my family even more now. 

The lasting rewards of serving together

The rewards of family volunteering have left each family richer in experience, closer in connection, and more appreciative of each other. Ee Jay shared that the time spent together allowed him to see new sides of his mother and son. “Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew,” he said. “I cherish my family even more now.” 

For Daryl and Melissa, the unity and teamwork developed through service have deepened their family bond. Their daughters have learned to appreciate their blessings and understand the importance of giving back. “They now feel a strong sense of accomplishment in contributing to others,” Melissa observed. The family has emerged with a stronger sense of connection and purpose, and has learnt to look beyond the needs of their own family to consider others and how they can be a blessing to them. 

It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

A call to action for families 

The stories of Ee Jay, Clement, and the Sungs illustrate how family volunteering can create cherished memories while imparting life-long skills. Volunteering doesn’t just change communities; it changes families. Yes, challenges will arise, but as Ee Jay wisely said, “The rewards outweigh the inconveniences.” 

For families considering this journey, remember that giving back doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be grand. Start small, involve everyone according to their abilities, and be patient with the process. It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

So, to all families reading this: Take the leap. Find a cause, make a plan, and dedicate time to give back together. Let your children see the impact they can have on others, and watch as they learn lessons of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. Volunteer as a family, and give your children the gift of compassion that will serve them—and the world—for a lifetime. 

We hope that the stories of these three ordinary families have inspired you to make a difference. If you and your family wish to embark on a meaningful journey of giving this holiday season, you may do so here, or connect with us at Relations@family.org.sg 

Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids

In a world where the sex and gender binary is being challenged and transgenderism is being presented as a cool fad on social media, parents may find themselves dumbfounded when encountering challenging questions from their children.   

What makes someone a male or female? How do I know if I’m not a female stuck in a male body? How do we start having these conversations with our kids? 

Amid the growing confusion about biology, sex and gender, it’s important to get the facts straight.  

Sex is binary, >99.98% of the time  

As far as biological sex goes, sex is binary and not a spectrum. Over 99.98% of people can be accurately categorised as male or female, based on their physiology, hormones and chromosomes.  

For most people, these three indicators are aligned, and sex is unambiguous. 

Indicators Male Female
Physiology
(reproductive organs, body shape, etc)
Testes, penis, facial hair, more muscle mass, deeper voice pitch etc Ovaries, uterus, vagina, breasts, wider hips, more body fat, higher voice pitch etc
Hormones Much higher testosterone levels than females Much higher estrogen and progesterone levels than males
Genetics
(chromosomes)
XYXX

Only in very rare cases is sex ambiguous, falling into the category of “intersex”. Some examples of these are people who present with both types of genitalia (but with all other indicators showing either male or female), males with very low levels of testosterone, or females who embody cells with XY chromosomes – but these are the exception rather than the norm. 

Maleness or femaleness is not limited to the reproductive organs — sex chromosomes are expressed in every single cell of our bodies — in other words, all cells have a sex. (See: Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?) 

In a biological sense, you are either male or female, for more than the vast majority of people. 

Understanding gender 

For a long time, people thought of “gender” as being synonymous with “sex”. However, over time, “gender” has evolved to be understood as a social and cultural construct. 

The World Health Organisation defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys” including “norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.” 

It is said that boys and girls are brought up within societal and cultural expectations according to their gender. Boys, who are seen as the protectors, are given guns and swords to play with while girls, who may later bear children and make a home, are made to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dolls. 

There are general masculine traits (males tend to be more risk-taking, dominant and aggressive, etc) versus feminine traits (females tend to be more nurturing, emotional and sensitive, etc). Studies show that these broad characteristics and behaviours of each gender may be fuelled by sex differences in the brain and genetic make-up.    

However, both males and females can display masculine as well as feminine traits to varying degrees. Each person has a unique personality and cannot be forced into a single mould.  

 Instead of categorising people according to gender stereotypes, which is not helpful, it is better to identify positive or negative traits. For example, decisive leadership is good for the thriving of society, but violence, bullying and harassment are not. Caring for others and fostering community through friendship is positive, but gossiping, being passive-aggressive and manipulative are not.  

 There is a growing narrative today that people can assume the gender they identify more with – who they “feel” they are – rather than who they actually are. However, as parents, we should ground our children in truth – which is not based on feelings but on reality.  

 When do we start these conversations?  

When speaking about complex issues with our children, it’s important to think about their age, maturity and ability to grasp such concepts.  

Preschool years (4-6 Years)

Around the preschool ages, we can talk about the differences between male and female bodies, for example during bath time.  

Children are naturally curious at a very young age and may have questions such as, “Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn’t, mummy?” To which we can answer, “Women have breasts and men do not. When women get pregnant and give birth, their breasts start to produce milk so that they can feed their babies.”  

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the lower primary schooling years of seven to nine, we should ideally begin to talk about sexual reproduction and how males and females complement each other in a healthy society. 

 

Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children. 

Tween years (10-12) 

More in-depth conversations regarding sex and gender can begin during the tween years when children start to have the maturity to grasp more difficult concepts and topics, using the pointers given above. 

Very often, it is an unexpected event that sparks these conversations and we are caught unaware. Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism, or peers may have talked about having pronouns at school. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children.  

Children are starting to explore questions on gender identity at a younger age, but it is unusual for them to be initiating such topics on their own, and is usually the result of social media or peer influence.  

It is important that we watch over our children’s media consumption, while ensuring that our attachment with our kids remains secure. This will help us retain our influence over our children.  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

True acceptance and affirmation  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

Accept and affirm them in their biological sex, gender and personality, instead of making them conform to stereotypes. There are sensitive boys who cry easily when hurt and girls with natural leadership gifts who like to take charge. Affirm them in their uniqueness: “You are a sensitive person who cares about others and helps people,” or “You are a strong leader.”  

Allow them to discover themselves through their interests — whether it be boys wanting to learn ballet or play with doll houses (who will hopefully grow to help with the domestic chores), or girls wanting to pursue archery or bodybuilding.  

Instead of thinking of gender as being on a spectrum, we can ponder how each person is unique and colourful in their combination of interests and personality.  

As parents who have cared and loved our children since they were born, we should be unashamed in affirming them, advocating for them and accepting them for who they are — male or female.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!