Child’s Life Stage: Primary Schooler

Why are Boys’ and Girls’ Bodies Different?

Early years (0-3 Years) 

It is important that we teach our children from the get-go not to be ashamed of their own bodies. One way of doing this is to label body parts with proper terms, not nicknames. Teach your toddler that certain areas of their bodies are private and should not be shown or touched by anyone else other than trusted caregivers; even then, only under specific circumstances like shower time.  

If you have small kids of different sexes at home, there may be situations where your kids are in the shower together or the older child watches you change diapers of the younger. If they raise questions about the difference in anatomy, you can explain that boys and girls have different body parts because we were made to be different.  

You may think this is a small thing, but you are actually laying a foundation for open communication in your family about sex and relationships.   

Preschool years (4-6 Years) 

As they start pre-school and their world expands, your child may ask about body differences between boys and girls. Their language ability increases rapidly during this stage, so continue to use proper names.  

 While our children can be full of curious questions, their cognitive ability is still developing so keep your answers short and simple. Approaching it from science, you can point out that our bodies have different functions. For example, women have breasts that can provide milk for babies and their wombs are made for growing babies. 

 At school, they should also be taught to respect each other’s privacy when going to the toilet and during shower time. On your part, teach them the concept of self-respect which includes knowing how to protect their modesty, and how to say no to hugs or requests that make them uncomfortable.  

You may also want to take the opportunity to correct any unhelpful stereotypes your child might have picked up, e.g., “Boys cannot wear pink” or “Girls should not play soccer”.  

 We want to encourage the development of our children’s individual identity and interests, and help them grow to their full potential. 

Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the primary years, you can share more information about body differences as their thinking becomes more sophisticated. An easy way to do so is to look for a biology book with clear anatomical diagrams and explain what goes on inside our bodies in those parts that look different. 
 
Depending on your child’s maturity, you also may want to start introducing the word “sex” in your talks since it’s a word that they will probably hear about soon. You can explain that boys produce something called sperm in their bodies and women produce eggs called ova. When these two get together, that’s when there is a chance that a baby can be made! If you have a daughter, this is also a good age to start talking about puberty and periods.   
 
Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. As they grow and regardless of their sex, seize teachable moments to talk to them regularly about body safety and modesty.  
 
In a few short years, your child will be undergoing puberty and may become more self–conscious about their bodies. To prepare them for that teenage introspection, it is vital that we help him or her build a healthy body image. So, let’s celebrate their uniqueness and affirm their natural beauty.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Kids Who Do Good Feel Good: How Volunteering Boosts Kids’ Happiness

Volunteering is often thought of as an adult responsibility, yet involving children in acts of service can bring lasting rewards that go far beyond the moment. For many families, giving back together not only strengthens bonds but also nurtures empathy, character, and a sense of purpose in young hearts.  

Read on to discover how three families—Ee Jay, Clement, and Daryl and Melissa Sung—began their volunteering journey and how the experience has enriched their children’s lives. 

The spark of inspiration 

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Ee Jay’s mother fixing a figuring as gift for donors. Photo courtesy of Ee Jay.


For Ee Jay, a dinner conversation with his familysparked an idea for an intergenerational project that would unite his mother, son, and himself around a common cause. 

“I saw my mum’s passion for making miniature figurines and thought, why not use that for good?” Ee Jay said. What started as a simple family activity led to a crowdfunding project where these figurines were given to donors as appreciation gifts. Soon, Ee Jay’s young son joined in, turning it into a meaningful family activity.  

“Working on this project together allowed me to spend more time with my mum and son, and it taught my son, Daniel, the importance of doing something for others, beyond just focusing on what he wants,” added Ee Jay. 

Similarly, Clement Cheong and his family were inspired by an event hosted by Focus on the Family Singapore, where they saw volunteers giving towards a common cause. This shared sense of purpose resonated deeply with them. “We wanted to give back as a family,” Clement explained.  

The Cheong family’s first major project was a flag day, where the children chipped in to collect donations, even though it was a hot day. It was a lesson in resilience as they persevered despite the weather, experiencing first-hand the hard work that is often involved in serving others. 

For Daryl and Melissa Sung, family service became a priority during the COVID-19 pandemic. “We wanted to make acts of service one of our core family values, and the pandemic gave us an opportunity to do it more intentionally for other families,“ Melissa said.

Their daughters helped in various activities, such as baking cookies for fundraisers and assembling gift items. These experiences laid the foundation for important life lessons in teamwork and responsibility. As Daryl puts it, “What better way for children to learn teamwork than for them to understand that their first team is their family. And for them to learn to serve together with their family.”  

My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less. 

Learning life lessons together 

Volunteering as a family offers a wealth of lessons.  

Clement’s children learned a lot about empathy through their experiences. Meeting people from diverse backgrounds taught them to see life from different perspectives. “My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less,” Clement reflected. This new understanding has given them a more compassionate outlook, especially towards friends who may come from different family situations. 

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The Sung Family. Photo courtesy of Daryl.


For Daryl and Melissa’s daughters, volunteering was an exercise in patience and commitment. While they enjoyed activities like baking, the repetition sometimes led to fatigue. “They learned that volunteering is not a quick task—it requires dedication,” Melissa explained. Through discussions about the purpose of their efforts, the children understood that their work was part of a larger cause, helping them value their contributions more deeply, and to persevere when they were tired, because “the end product [is more than just selling cookies or writing cards], but the funds they raise is to benefit the lives of other families.

Overcoming challenges as a family

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Clement volunteering with his family at a Focus on the Family Singapore event. Photo courtesy of Clement.
 
Volunteering as a family isn’t without its hurdles. Ee Jay’s family had to coordinate schedules across three generations and face the challenge of producing detailed and quality figurines that could be used as a gift for donors.  
 
Similarly, Clement’s family encountered moments of frustration due to clashing personalities. “At times, we focused on what each other couldn’t do instead of what we could bring to the table,” Clement shared. But by learning to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses within the family, they turned these challenges into opportunities for growth. 
Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew. I cherish my family even more now. 

The lasting rewards of serving together

The rewards of family volunteering have left each family richer in experience, closer in connection, and more appreciative of each other. Ee Jay shared that the time spent together allowed him to see new sides of his mother and son. “Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew,” he said. “I cherish my family even more now.” 

For Daryl and Melissa, the unity and teamwork developed through service have deepened their family bond. Their daughters have learned to appreciate their blessings and understand the importance of giving back. “They now feel a strong sense of accomplishment in contributing to others,” Melissa observed. The family has emerged with a stronger sense of connection and purpose, and has learnt to look beyond the needs of their own family to consider others and how they can be a blessing to them. 

It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

A call to action for families 

The stories of Ee Jay, Clement, and the Sungs illustrate how family volunteering can create cherished memories while imparting life-long skills. Volunteering doesn’t just change communities; it changes families. Yes, challenges will arise, but as Ee Jay wisely said, “The rewards outweigh the inconveniences.” 

For families considering this journey, remember that giving back doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be grand. Start small, involve everyone according to their abilities, and be patient with the process. It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

So, to all families reading this: Take the leap. Find a cause, make a plan, and dedicate time to give back together. Let your children see the impact they can have on others, and watch as they learn lessons of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. Volunteer as a family, and give your children the gift of compassion that will serve them—and the world—for a lifetime. 

We hope that the stories of these three ordinary families have inspired you to make a difference. If you and your family wish to embark on a meaningful journey of giving this holiday season, you may do so here, or connect with us at Relations@family.org.sg 

Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids

In a world where the sex and gender binary is being challenged and transgenderism is being presented as a cool fad on social media, parents may find themselves dumbfounded when encountering challenging questions from their children.   

What makes someone a male or female? How do I know if I’m not a female stuck in a male body? How do we start having these conversations with our kids? 

Amid the growing confusion about biology, sex and gender, it’s important to get the facts straight.  

Sex is binary, >99.98% of the time  

As far as biological sex goes, sex is binary and not a spectrum. Over 99.98% of people can be accurately categorised as male or female, based on their physiology, hormones and chromosomes.  

For most people, these three indicators are aligned, and sex is unambiguous. 

Indicators Male Female
Physiology
(reproductive organs, body shape, etc) 		Testes, penis, facial hair, more muscle mass, deeper voice pitch etc Ovaries, uterus, vagina, breasts, wider hips, more body fat, higher voice pitch etc
Hormones Much higher testosterone levels than females Much higher estrogen and progesterone levels than males
Genetics
(chromosomes) 		XYXX

Only in very rare cases is sex ambiguous, falling into the category of “intersex”. Some examples of these are people who present with both types of genitalia (but with all other indicators showing either male or female), males with very low levels of testosterone, or females who embody cells with XY chromosomes – but these are the exception rather than the norm. 

Maleness or femaleness is not limited to the reproductive organs — sex chromosomes are expressed in every single cell of our bodies — in other words, all cells have a sex. (See: Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?) 

In a biological sense, you are either male or female, for more than the vast majority of people. 

Understanding gender 

For a long time, people thought of “gender” as being synonymous with “sex”. However, over time, “gender” has evolved to be understood as a social and cultural construct. 

The World Health Organisation defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys” including “norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.” 

It is said that boys and girls are brought up within societal and cultural expectations according to their gender. Boys, who are seen as the protectors, are given guns and swords to play with while girls, who may later bear children and make a home, are made to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dolls. 

There are general masculine traits (males tend to be more risk-taking, dominant and aggressive, etc) versus feminine traits (females tend to be more nurturing, emotional and sensitive, etc). Studies show that these broad characteristics and behaviours of each gender may be fuelled by sex differences in the brain and genetic make-up.    

However, both males and females can display masculine as well as feminine traits to varying degrees. Each person has a unique personality and cannot be forced into a single mould.  

 Instead of categorising people according to gender stereotypes, which is not helpful, it is better to identify positive or negative traits. For example, decisive leadership is good for the thriving of society, but violence, bullying and harassment are not. Caring for others and fostering community through friendship is positive, but gossiping, being passive-aggressive and manipulative are not.  

 There is a growing narrative today that people can assume the gender they identify more with – who they “feel” they are – rather than who they actually are. However, as parents, we should ground our children in truth – which is not based on feelings but on reality.  

 When do we start these conversations?  

When speaking about complex issues with our children, it’s important to think about their age, maturity and ability to grasp such concepts.  

Preschool years (4-6 Years)

Around the preschool ages, we can talk about the differences between male and female bodies, for example during bath time.  

Children are naturally curious at a very young age and may have questions such as, “Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn’t, mummy?” To which we can answer, “Women have breasts and men do not. When women get pregnant and give birth, their breasts start to produce milk so that they can feed their babies.”  

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the lower primary schooling years of seven to nine, we should ideally begin to talk about sexual reproduction and how males and females complement each other in a healthy society. 

 

Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children. 

Tween years (10-12) 

More in-depth conversations regarding sex and gender can begin during the tween years when children start to have the maturity to grasp more difficult concepts and topics, using the pointers given above. 

Very often, it is an unexpected event that sparks these conversations and we are caught unaware. Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism, or peers may have talked about having pronouns at school. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children.  

Children are starting to explore questions on gender identity at a younger age, but it is unusual for them to be initiating such topics on their own, and is usually the result of social media or peer influence.  

It is important that we watch over our children’s media consumption, while ensuring that our attachment with our kids remains secure. This will help us retain our influence over our children.  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

True acceptance and affirmation  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

Accept and affirm them in their biological sex, gender and personality, instead of making them conform to stereotypes. There are sensitive boys who cry easily when hurt and girls with natural leadership gifts who like to take charge. Affirm them in their uniqueness: “You are a sensitive person who cares about others and helps people,” or “You are a strong leader.”  

Allow them to discover themselves through their interests — whether it be boys wanting to learn ballet or play with doll houses (who will hopefully grow to help with the domestic chores), or girls wanting to pursue archery or bodybuilding.  

Instead of thinking of gender as being on a spectrum, we can ponder how each person is unique and colourful in their combination of interests and personality.  

As parents who have cared and loved our children since they were born, we should be unashamed in affirming them, advocating for them and accepting them for who they are — male or female.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Not Let Stress and Anxiety Get the Better of You

Stress and anxiety affect people of all ages. While for some, stress works as a form of motivation, others find it overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. In today’s fast-paced world, managing both stress and anxiety is a crucial skill.

Though often confused, stress and anxiety aren’t the same. According to Focus on the Family Singapore’s counsellor Samantha Cheng, stress is a natural bodily response that triggers physical reactions like a racing heart, dry mouth, and stomach aches. Even animals experience stress.

Anxiety can take different forms, such as panic attacks, social anxiety, or phobias.

What can we do when faced with stress and anxiety? Here are some practical tips to manage stress and anxiety with effective tips, exercises, and strategies for both adults and children.

“Asking yourself, ‘Why am I stressed?’ can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.”

How to acknowledge and manage stress effectively 

Samantha explains that when managed well, stress can improve brain function—boosting memory, attention, and processing speed. “First, acknowledge your stress,” says Samantha. “Then, notice what’s causing it.”

Simply repeating how stressed you feel without figuring out the reason won’t help. Asking yourself, Why am I stressed? can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.

For instance, if you’re nervous about a meeting with your boss, ask yourself, What do I care about here? Maybe it’s a promotion or concern over how you’re viewed. Once you identify your concern, take action. Talk to your boss, get feedback, and focus on working toward your goals, instead of letting stress control you.

“Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.”

Transforming stress into growth

By changing how you think about stress, you can use it as a tool for growth. Samantha calls this “stress-related growth,” which can build mental toughness, encourage new perspectives, and give us a clearer sense of priorities.

“When we’re stressed, our focus sharpens,” she explains. “That’s nature helping us focus on what’s important.” Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.

These stressful moments can also show you what really matters in life. They can lead to a greater appreciation of life and a deeper sense of purpose. This skill is valuable not only for you but also for teaching children how to grow through stress.

Helping children manage stress

Teaching your child to recognise stress—like butterflies in their stomach, fear, or avoidance—is the first step. Equip them with simple strategies to manage stress, so they can face challenges confidently.

Here are some techniques that both children and adults can use:

1. Physiological sighs
Take two breaths through your nose—the first filling your lungs and the second a quick shallow breath. Then exhale slowly through your mouth. This calms the nervous system and helps you feel more relaxed.

2. Muscle relaxation exercises
Tense your muscles, then relax them. Start with areas where stress tends to build up, like your shoulders. This releases the physical tension caused by stress.

3. Positive affirmations
Repeating a helpful phrase can ground you during stressful times. For children, something simple like “I can do this” can work. Adults might say, “I’ve faced this before and I can do it again.” Choose a phrase that inspires you and is easy to remember.

4. Anchoring objects
Use a small, familiar item, like a favourite sticker on a pencil case or a small family photo, to remind you of your positive affirmation. Each time you see the object, let it bring you back to a calm state of mind.

Integrating stress management into your daily life

Incorporate these stress-management techniques into your daily activities—whether at work, school, or during interactions with others. Share how you use these techniques with your child. It normalises stress management and models healthy coping strategies.

Sometimes, stress can become overwhelming, and seeking professional help is the best option. No one should face stress and anxiety alone, and there’s always support available. 

With these simple strategies, both adults and children can better manage their stress and anxiety, leading to a more resilient and balanced life. 

How to Develop Effective Study Strategies for Exams

Exam preparation season can feel like a dreaded yet necessary rite of passage that most Singaporean families are familiar with. During these periods, we hunker down together with our children, armed with a trove of assessment books, notes, and materials, hoping to support them well for “battle.”  

As I write this, my child has just finished the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) oral exam. Even though this is our fourth PSLE as a family (with two more to go!), I’d be wrong if I said that there’s no pressure—there still is! 

While preparing for year-end exams or the PSLE can be stressful for both students and parents, the right approach can make it a manageable and even rewarding experience. Here are some strategies we’ve picked up along the way that could be helpful for fellow parents on the same journey.

1. Set up a study timetable  

The first step in effective exam preparation is creating a realistic study timetable that balances academic goals with personal time. Work with your child to identify key subjects that need more focus and allocate specific times each day for study or revision sessions. Be sure to include breaks and downtime to prevent burnout. 

At home, we sometimes use the Pomodoro Technique, a time management method where you do focused work during 25-minute intervals—known as Pomodoros—and take a five-minute break. This technique is particularly effective for children who need to build stamina and avoid mental fatigue during long study sessions. 

Parents can further support their children by setting up a conducive study environment, free from distractions, and providing necessary resources or practice papers. Having a timetable helps develop discipline and accountability, while regular check-ins allow for adjustments to keep their study plan on track. 

Making personalised notes or creating mind maps is far more beneficial than simply receiving a stack of notes. 

2. Practise active learning techniques

A crucial aspect of a successful study strategy is practicing active learning techniques. Instead of just reading or memorising textbooks, students should engage in activities that reinforce their learning. This could include doing practice papers, teaching a concept to a family member, or processing their learning through mind maps. 

I believe that making personalised notes or creating mind maps is far more beneficial than simply receiving a stack of notes from an older sibling or schoolmate. Mind maps are excellent for independent learning, breaking down complex concepts, and boosting creativity and productivity. My children have found this technique particularly useful.  

My older daughter, who’s now in tertiary education, still enjoys filling notebooks with her own notes for content-heavy subjects. These notes help her visualise and create strong associations between ideas, promoting better retention of information. She even prefers referring to her own notes over textbooks! 

3. Divide and conquer with bite–sized practice  

When a subject is challenging, breaking the work into manageable parts can improve focus and minimise distractions. The key is to take small, achievable steps rather than becoming overwhelmed by what your child doesn’t know. 

For example, if your child struggles with vocabulary, they could revise and remember a few English words each day, gradually incorporating these into their compositions. A fun alternative would be to create opportunities at the dinner table for them to attempt using these words in a sentence. Reassure them that every small effort counts toward progress. 

For my daughter, who finds the longer 3-5 mark questions in Math papers daunting, we tackle practice papers in bite-sized portions. We break the paper into shorter sections, such as 10 questions per section, and time her to complete each section independently, for example, in 30 minutes. This approach helps her stay focused without feeling overwhelmed, while also building her stamina for longer sessions. We have found this method particularly helpful in boosting her morale and confidence over time.  

Corrections shouldn’t just be about copying down the right answer; the goal is to anchor the thought processes needed to solve questions independently. 

4. Back to basics 

For children still struggling to pass a subject, revisiting foundational knowledge is crucial. Focus on gaining competency in basic areas before moving on to more complex topics. For instance, mastering Paper 1 in Math or Science—which tends to cover fundamental concepts—can be a more achievable target before tackling the more demanding Paper 2 questions. 

Emphasise the importance of doing corrections properly. Corrections shouldn’t just be about copying down the right answer; the goal is to anchor the thought processes needed to solve questions independently. Understanding why a mistake was made, rather than simply studying the correct answer, is key to developing a stable foundation for future learning. 

Helping our children master the fundamentals and understanding why they made a mistake, will go a long way in helping them develop a stable base for secondary education when they eventually make the transition. 

5. Care for the whole child 

Amidst academic preparation, we must never underestimate the importance of caring for our children’s mental and emotional well-being. If they are feeling stressed or anxious, it’s unlikely they will perform well academically. 

Make time for regular check-ins with your child, assuring them that they are more than their grades. Ensure they get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, and engage in regular physical activity, as these factors greatly impact concentration, memory retention, and overall performance. A positive mindset, supported by a healthy lifestyle, can significantly improve your child’s ability to handle exam stress. 

 Finally, foster a supportive and encouraging home environment. Celebrate small achievements and progress to keep motivation levels high. Instead of putting undue pressure on achieving good scores, focus on effort and improvement. By working together as a family, our children can approach their PSLE with confidence and resilience, knowing they have the full support of their loved ones. 

Why does My Friend have Two Mums?

Primary years (7-9)
Tween years (10-12) 

If you have not already done so, explain to your child how babies are made. Help your child understand that this means that every child has one mother and one father who conceived them.  

In some cases, however, the biological mummy or daddy is unable to take care of them, and thus some children are cared for by other caring, trusted adults for example adoptive or foster parents who can love the children as if they were their own.  

There are also cases where the mummy or daddy does not want to form a family or stay together as a family, such as in the case of a divorce. In some cases, they move on to create a new family unit consisting of other people, such that there is now more than one mummy or daddy.   

Come to a consensus with your spouse on your family’s stand and opinions on these alternative family structures, so that you can explain to your child your values in a calm and thoughtful way. Regardless, assure them of your love as their parent and of the stability of your relationship with your spouse. 

What could be the effects on children growing up in such families, and how do they impact the community around us? 

Teen years (13-15) 
Emerging years (16-19) 

Children at this age are likely to have been exposed to ideas and arguments for alternative family structures that may consist of only one or neither of the child’s biological dad or mum.  

Explain that there are people who experience feelings of attraction toward someone of the same sex. This is what is commonly called sexual orientation. Some people may then choose as adults to form a family unit consisting only of one or none of the child’s biological mother or father.  

As they grow, your teens may be increasingly clued in about different forms of sexual attraction and may have their own opinions about each one of them. Discover what they think by continuing the conversations about sex and sexuality.  

Explain to them the difference between biological sex, gender identity and sexual attraction. Our biological sex is determined by the sex chromosomes in our body and should correspond with our gender identity and sexual attraction. A minority, however, might experience an incongruence between their biological sex and gender identity, and/or sexual orientation. These incongruences sometimes cause them to adjust their lives in a way that does not align to their biological sex, leading them to form family structures that are different. 

Come to an agreement with your spouse on what your family’s stand and opinions are on these alternative family forms. Explain them to your child in a calm and thoughtful way, and invite their feedback on what they think about families with different values and ideals. Answer any questions they might have honestly, including admitting if you lack the necessary information and offering to learn together with them about such complex issues.

If an alternative sexual lifestyle or family structure is shown on a movie you are watching together, use that to start on a conversation on whether they noticed and what they thought about it. Listen calmly without judgment. Teenagers can sometimes rely more on their emotional brain, and carry a great sense of social justice.  

Affirm your child for their desire to make a difference in the world, and their passion for wanting to right any wrongs. Listen to their thoughts and be curious about why they think the way they do. Discuss with them the impact of such alternative family structures – what could be the effects on children growing up in such a family environment? Are there implications on the wider community that we should also consider?

Teach your children how to have rational and respectful conversations about such issues with their friends or on the internet, how to express their opinions clearly, and what to do when people do not respond kindly or respectfully to their views.  

These may be difficult conversations to have because the issues are complex, but emphasise the principle that we always treat people with respect and kindness regardless of whether we agree with them. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

A Guide to Understanding Consent

Consent and boundaries set the foundation of healthy relationships based on trust and respect. As parents, we want to raise our children to grow into respectful and empathetic individuals.

But what exactly is consent? What is the difference between consent and boundaries? And how do we teach our kids about it?

What is the difference between consent and boundaries?

Consent is giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something. It is a clear, affirmative, and voluntary agreement between participants to engage in a specific activity. Silence does not mean consent, and consent can be given or taken away at any moment.

Boundaries are rules that we put in place to keep ourselves safe. This can include both physical and emotional safety.

Why should we explain consent to our children?

As parents, we need to be clear from the get-go with our children; as children, they do not have the maturity and ability yet to give consent, especially in the area of sexual touch. 

However, consent is not just about sex. It is something that we give (or not give) every day. For example, lending someone a pen or a book. Talking about consent in a broader, everyday sense when our children are young allows us to better handle the more delicate conversations about consent when the time is right. 

What may be more developmentally appropriate for them to understand is the concept of boundaries, where they can learn what is appropriate and what isn’t.

How to teach boundaries to children 

Early/preschool years (0-6)

Begin teaching the basics of boundaries from a young age. We can use simple language and relatable scenarios to help our children grasp the concept. For example, explain that if a friend doesn’t want to share a toy, that is their boundary, and we should respect that decision. 

We can model this in our daily interactions, such as by asking them for permission before hugging or tickling your child, and respecting their response.  

Everyday situations provide ample teachable moments. If your child takes something without asking, use it as a moment to explain why it’s important to get permission first. 

Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them.

Primary years (7-9)

When children enter primary school, they may experience situations where their classmates behave in unexpected ways, for example taking their stationery or personal belongings without permission. 

At home, work hard to create an environment where our children feel comfortable expressing their true feelings and boundaries. Encourage them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable about anything that happened in school, and assure them that their feelings and opinions are valid. 

Help your children understand that everyone has personal boundaries that should be respected. Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them. 

We can even use role-playing to practise making a request. This can help children feel more confident in real-life situations. For example, practise asking if they can borrow a toy from a friend, and prepare them to accepting the answer, whether it’s a “yes”, “no”, or “wait”. 

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others.

Tween years (10-12) 

As your tween grows in independence, it is important to keep communication open. By having regular conversations about things like peer pressure and how it can affect their ability to stand their ground even when it goes against their values or wishes, we are helping them develop strategies on to assert their boundaries and say “no” in difficult situations. 

If they are into online games, it is also important to monitor who they converse with online and about how they can stay safe if a stranger tries to strike up a conversation with them.  

In today’s digital age, boundaries are also important in online interactions.  

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others. 

Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)

At this age, some teens may begin to explore romantic relationships, so it is vital to continue talking about how love and relationships work, what healthy boundaries are, and the special significance of sex within a committed loving relationship like marriage.

This is also the stage where we can help them understand more about consent in the context of sexual activity. We can raise questions such as:

  • Is consent all that matters when it comes to sexual acts? What else should we consider? 
  • Is all consensual sex morally acceptable and right? 
  • With the pervasiveness of pornography, sexual acts can sometimes veer into the extreme/unhealthy category. What could be some of the consequences on the individual? How can we tell if something is good or bad for us?  

Make sure your teen understands that consent can be changed or withdrawn at any time. Help them understand that any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent, for example, if they are drunk, is actually sexual abuse. Encourage them to communicate any changes in their feelings clearly and assertively, and to not hesitate to come to you for help if they find themselves in any sticky situations. 

By teaching our children about sex in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage, we equip them with the tools they need to protect themselves from engaging in sex prematurely, and to build respectful and healthy relationships.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Is Sex a Bad Word?

Sex should be associated with love, intimacy, commitment, but it has come to be associated with guilt and shame. How do we give our children a healthy understanding of sex? 

Primary years (7-9)

What happens when parents avoid talking about sex? 

Avoiding having conversations about sex tells your children that firstly, sex is a taboo topic, and it is embarrassing or even shameful to talk about. It also tells them that parents are not the people to talk to about sex, which may push them to learn about it from other potentially unreliable sources of information (eg. social media). This may lead your children to think about sex in ways that are unhelpful or untrue.  

At this tender age, you may want to approach the topic as a matter of fact, describing sex as “a natural process that happens between a man and woman when they are married, and it is how babies are created.”  

You should also refer to parts of the body related to sex using their accurate names (e.g., penis, vagina, womb) instead of using euphemisms.  

Through these actions, we show our children that sex is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We will also be  signalling to our kids that they can come to us if they have any questions.  

Tween years (10-12) 

By this stage, if you have not broached the topic of sex, it is likely that they’ve heard something about it from their classmates or friends. 

You may want to open up the conversation by asking them what they know about it. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex. For instance, if you come across a scene in a TV show or movie that portrays sex in a way that contradicts your values regarding sex, you can use this opportunity to share with your children your opinions and values. You can also start to introduce to your children the idea that sex is a good and beautiful part of marriage. 

By bringing these conversations up organically in everyday life, you create a culture of openness in the home, where such topics, widely deemed as sensitive, can be discussed regularly. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex.

Teen years (13-15) 

It is likely that your teen would have had some exposure to the topic of sex and sexual orientation.  

While it is important to warn your children of the dangers of sex in inappropriate contexts (e.g., unplanned pregnancies, teenage pregnancies, STIs and STDs, etc.), it is also equally important to talk about the positive aspects of sex when it is done in the appropriate context of marriage. 

Within marriage, sex is more than just an act of temporary sensual pleasure. It is an expression of a couple’s love and commitment to each other, which has the power to deepen the sense of safety and intimacy in the relationship.  

Highlighting the positive aspects of sex within marriage helps to correct the misconception that sex is taboo, while reinforcing the idea that sex within marriage is nature’s way of allowing for procreation.  

Ultimately, the key principle is to create a non-judgmental atmosphere where your children feel safe to talk about any topic in life, including sensitive topics like sex, and to share their feelings and concerns with you.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Motivate an Unmotivated Child

Parents would be familiar with the challenge of motivating their children toward learning. More specifically, the lack of motivation toward the things that require delayed gratification, such as completing their homework in a timely manner or preparing for upcoming assessments.  

Once getting them on task, the next challenge is helping them to stay motivated for the longer-term. And the question that all parents face is – how?  

Every child is a precious gift, with unique strengths and dispositions that call for more than a one-size-fits-all solution. As parents, we intuitively want to solve all our children’s problems to spare them the suffering, but what if it isn’t so much a problem to be solved quickly, but a challenge to be properly understood first?  

In this article, I suggest 4 general principles for helping our unmotivated child to become motivated and to stay motivated:

1. Begin with ourselves

For parents, the goal of helping our children to discover and sustain their motivation cannot be achieved without first taking a step in the right direction, which is to examine our own relationship with motivation, and checking that we’re modelling the best possible example authentically and consistently. Our children are always watching, observing, and imitating us, even when we least want them to. “Walking our talk” therefore requires that we regularly calibrate what’s in our hearts, for everything we do flows out of it.

Whether we prefer journaling or taking a slow walk in the outdoors, it helps to use simple reflective questions as regular “checkpoints”: 

  • What motivates me as a parent, and where does my motivation come from?  
  • What am I inspired by?  
  • How well do I model delayed gratification, and where can I do better?  
  • Why am I on this journey of motivating my child, and what is my end-goal? (more on this toward the end) 

Motivation comes from knowing that you are able to become better at what you are learning, academically or otherwise.  

2. Build our ‘trust capital’

 Have you noticed that your words land differently when you take on a caring, reconciliatory tone? This is the power of cultivating a trusting relationship with our children, one where they know we are their safe harbour. Even in their most trying moments, they feel safe to bare their hearts to us. This “trust capital” isn’t built overnight, however; it takes cumulative, consistent actions over a period of time. It’s the deeper “whys” of our child’s unmotivation we want to work on.  

For example, unmotivation can be due to repeated feelings of discouragement or defeats from our child’s lack of mastery in an area. In such cases, we can meet this need by intentionally looking out for and celebrating every bit of progress, followed by fine-tuning the next goal for them to ensure it is age-appropriate and achievable. Motivation comes from knowing that you are able to become better at what you are learning, academically or otherwise.  

I remember when my son would drag his feet to football lessons and show no interest toward it no matter how much we cheered him on. It turned out that he was overwhelmed by the significant difference in abilities between him and his peers, and had internalised the belief that he was simply not good enough. It took us some time to establish enough trust before he felt safe enough to open up. After he did so, we were able to address it immediately by switching him to another class that better matched his needs.   

 The deeper “why” can only be uncovered and addressed adequately if we share a deep, trusting relationship with our child.  

3. Include ‘fun’ in the everyday

Injecting moments of bite-sized fun into the everyday is likely to be more impactful than a once-in-a-while fun activity. As a family, what are some fun things you can do daily to inspire one another toward growth? Making it a family endeavour has the added bonus of forming deeper relationships. (Big Life Journal has some great ideas you can adapt for yours!)  

 Grocery shopping is my golden opportunity to engage my son in seeing real-life benefits to all his mathematical learning from school. I would set aside a budget for the grocery list, and we would hunt for the best deals together.  

 Besides doing simple additions and subtractions, he’s learnt to appreciate that divisions and multiplications are especially helpful in stretching our dollar, such as when there are bulk discounts. Apart from being a fun activity for us, any unused part of the budget also goes toward his savings, which motivates him toward becoming better at the numbers game.  

 Undeniably, our grocery trips end up taking time. But I’m assured that this investment of time toward our “trust capital” will yield its due rewards at some point.  

The purpose of explicitly modelling a healthy response to unmotivation is so that they are led to discover intrinsic motivation for themselves eventually; it is not for us to be their motivation. 

4. Keep the end in mind

As parents, we’re the ones with the knowledge and experience necessary to make decisions in the best interests of our child. Identifying the right goal starts with us being clear about our role – ultimately, we want to raise children who will grow into independently functioning adults. This may mean having to fight against the reflex to quickly swoop in and “rescue” our child from every unmotivation, and recognising that some struggles may be necessary and does not always mean we (or they) are failing.  

The purpose of explicitly modelling a healthy response to unmotivation is so that they are led to discover intrinsic motivation for themselves eventually; it is not for us to be their motivation. The former nurtures independent individuals with a growth mindset, while the latter creates dependent individuals. Since switching to a different football class, my son has been able to experience the intrinsic reward that comes from simply knowing that he is able to become better at the sport. He no longer needs repeated reminders to get ready for his training.  

The journey of motivating an unmotivated child is long-term, as different life stages of our child bring different challenges to be overcome together. However, the privilege of getting to do this with them in ways that no others can, keeps us going. 

Should I Let My Child Go for a Sleepover?

Is your child requesting for a sleepover at a friend’s house? What considerations should you have before immediately agreeing or disagreeing to the request? How can you prepare your child when they are away from you? 

Primary to tweens (7-12)

Sleepovers can be exciting and memorable for young children as they imagine being able to stay up late into the night and spending extended time with their pals.

Instead of immediately approaching your child’s friend’s parents to find out about the sleepover arrangements, have a conversation with your child first. Find out who initiated the sleepover, what is the occasion for the sleepover, who else is invited, and what the sleeping arrangements will be like.

Involving your child in this decision process not only empowers them, but it also helps them understand the considerations you have for their safety.

Consider these additional questions:

  • How well do you know the parents of your child’s friends?
  • Who will be supervising the sleepover?
  • What activities have been planned?
  • What are the guidelines on the types of media that can be consumed in their homes?

If you decide to allow your child to go for the sleepover, it is essential to prepare them for various scenarios. These can range from sleeping in an unfamiliar environment, feeling afraid of the dark without their comfort item, and knowing how to handle situations they are uncomfortable with.

Instruct your child that children should not have to keep secrets that break body safety rules and what is a good touch and bad touch. Assure them that you can always be reached, and go through with them on how they can contact you.

If you are uncomfortable for your child to go for a sleepover, express your concerns to your child in a calm and empathetic manner. Avoid instilling fear or paranoia which may send a message of distrust for their friend and family members. Instead focus on explaining your reasons for their safety and well-being when they are away from you.

Teen years and late teens (13-18) 

In their early and late teens, your child would be better equipped to identify threatening behaviours and situations. However, it is still important for us to ensure their well-being and safety. The fact that they are asking you for permission shows they respect you and value your guidance.

However, teens are also more susceptible to peer pressures and may sometimes behave in ways that go against their usual behaviours in their desire to fit in with their peers. It is therefore crucial to lay down limits and boundaries if you grant your teen permission for sleepovers. This includes setting curfew time, behavioural guidelines and clearly out-of-bound areas such as consuming alcohol and smoking/vaping.

Roleplay with your teen on how they can gently but firmly excuse themselves from participating in activities they are uncomfortable with. Together with your teen, come up with some safety words or codes they can use to text you if they need you to pick them up immediately. Assure them that no questions will be asked if they are not ready to talk about it.

Consider these additional questions:

  • Does everyone sleep in the same room or separate rooms?
  • Is there any sharing of bed?
  • Will there be friends of the opposite sex at the sleepover?
  • What will you do if alcohol or cigarettes/vapes appear unexpectedly?
  • What are they planning to do?

Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

It is generally advisable to avoid sleepovers involving friends of the opposite sex, especially at an age when your teen is starting to be curious about sex. Encourage your teen to think critically about the reasons behind your family’s guidelines rather than simply imposing them.

You can explain your family’s stand on this matter and discuss how sleepovers with the opposite sex can potentially lead to unintended and compromising situations. Your priority is to help them understand the importance of respecting boundaries and avoiding potentially complicated situations.

Coach them to consider situations that may come up unexpectedly to start practicing more independence and accountability, instead of simply exercising control over them. Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more