Our third Survey for Dads was conducted from 04 May – 31 May 2022 through the databases and social media channels of Focus on the Family Singapore. A total of 269 fathers responded.
This year’s survey focused on understanding dads’ self-efficacy in parenting, and uncovering the importance of “dad-friends” in supporting a dad’s journey of fatherhood.
In a previous article where we explored “Why is porn so addictive?”, the pervasiveness of porn came up as a contributing factor because of how easily accessible they have become today. A quick look at the figures published by a cybersecurity company underscores the extent of this accessibility:
Every Second:
In this follow-up piece, we will explore “Why is porn so easily accessible?” by taking a deep dive into the forces that drive the proliferation of porn, and offer a few practical handles for kids in dealing with such exposure.
There is no doubt that technology has greatly changed the way we live. For example, we certainly enjoy numerous conveniences and entertainment the Internet brings us – ordering our favourite dinner and embarking on a professional development course are now just a few clicks away. Lockdowns and quarantines during Covid years have only deepened the intensity and accelerated the rate of our digital connection. However, the flip side of having such a high connectivity, also means that it is probably easier to access sexually explicit materials than to avoid them.
In the early 2000s, porn used to be contained in age-restricted print materials and subscription-based platforms. It was a service only paying customers could access. This was the chief revenue model for the porn industry, until video-streaming platforms started to revolutionise the way we consume information and entertainment.
Inspired by YouTube’s success, the porn industry was swift in adapting to streaming platforms that were not only free for any user to access, but also offered better means of generating revenue for companies.
Given how much of our lives both at home and at work now relies on staying connected, it would be unimaginable for one to be without a device. Yet, we often forget the tremendous power of connectivity this small device yields. A double-edged sword hidden in pockets, our devices have opened us up to the very best technology has to offer, while proving to be equally, if not more, dangerous, at the same time.
Under Singapore Law, it is illegal for an individual to keep, possess, or download porn. Although IMDA has banned approximately 100 websites as a token gesture of disapproval, it is not illegal to watch or stream pornographic content online. That means any child with a connected device will still be able to easily access or stumble upon porn at the click of a button, in the absence of rigorous parental controls.
Revenue estimates for the porn industry vary widely, and understandably so. Not only is it impossible to obtain accurate figures from privately-held porn companies, it is also challenging to account for the entire porn industry. For instance, the membership platform, “OnlyFans”, has become synonymous with porn even though it was originally meant for creators to directly monetise their content, adult or not.
The steady rise of individual porn creators through such membership platforms further complicates the effort to obtain an accurate estimate to how much the industry is really worth. Nonetheless, several estimates clearly put it as a multi-billion-dollar industry.
To understand how the rest of the porn industry continues to generate revenue despite offering free-to-stream videos, we need to first understand how porn advertising works. They do not work the same way as advertising for a handbag or a pair of shoes.
Since porn companies are blocked from advertising on traditional media outlets, they have only other porn companies to turn to, for their advertising. For perspective, Pornhub’s annual report revealed a staggering 42 billion visitors in 2019 alone, reflecting a very robust base of potential consumers that could be funnelled through advertising into another paid porn site. In other words, Pornhub receives lucrative advertising fees in return for offering free-to-stream videos.
Apart from advertising dollars, porn companies are also able to monetise user data and profiling that they capture from their online visitors. For these reasons, porn companies are motivated and invested to continue offering free content that generates the highest possible viewership, because every click on their website translates to dollars and cents.
In the effort to safeguard our children, some of us turn to parental control apps on their devices. However, even the best app will fail, as Google search engine reminds us that there are always creative ways to bypass restrictions.
If there is one thing parental control apps are good for, it is buying us time for building up a more reliable “internal filter” in our children, and time for teaching them practical handles to deal with exposure to porn.
A few practical handles include (when speaking directly to your child):
Porn may be more accessible than ever, but as parents, we have greater influence when we ensure that our presence and guidance are even more accessible in our children’s lives.
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
Unlike my generation who grew up with a more gradual pace of technological advancement, my children were born into an age of widespread Internet connectivity, and have hence interacted with the online world from a much younger age.
One harrowing encounter we had was when we allowed our 4-year-old son to use a smart phone app to help him build with Lego. Moments into scrolling through blueprints, he came over with the phone and asked me for help. It turned out that he had accidentally clicked the subscription button and almost paid the fees for a premium plan!
Besides this incident, the prominence of Internet technologies in the home exposes our children to other risks, including online safety, graphic content, privacy, and so on. However, such technologies also possess great potential for our children’s development.
How then do we strike a balance in using technology with our kids? Based on our experiences, we have learnt the following principles:
Children often reflect their parents’ behaviours, and just as we hope they will pick up our good habits, they also catch our device habits from us. Even if we were attending to important matters on our phones, our children would interpret our actions as valuing device usage over relating to them.
It is important to first be disciplined with device usage ourselves before expecting it of our children. Hence, we try to remain device-free during specific periods of the day, such as during mealtimes, reading time and playtime. My wife and I also try to ensure each of us have sufficient time to attend to our work responsibilities, so we can be less distracted when it is time to be present with our children.
As parents, we should be role models of good device usage to our children.
One of the best ways to help the family stay unplugged is to build it into family routines. We meet with family and friends about once or twice a week for playtime and catch-ups. We also take our children outdoors regularly, be it walks in the park, playground time or even errand runs to expose them to active lifestyles. This encourages them to move away from online media and towards physical and social activities.
However, because we carry the Internet in our pockets, the challenge is limiting device usage while out and about too! We should remind ourselves to keep our phones away as far as possible (unless expecting urgent calls), and immerse ourselves in the moment.
With online media being widely available and accessible, it is unrealistic to cut it out of our children’s lives completely. Instead, we aim for moderation by setting reasonable limits on screen time.
For example, most online content exceeds 5 minutes. If we wouldn’t watch 5 minutes of Netflix at a time, we shouldn’t impose this on our children! A useful benchmark is to stay within guidelines by KKH, which recommends screen time of 1 hour and below per day for children aged 18 months to 3 years.
There are also child-safe apps that help keep our children safe online. For example, YouTube Kids is curated with age-appropriate content and offers more parental controls than the standard YouTube app. Parents may also use screen-pinning on their phones to prevent children from accessing other apps or functions during screen time.
When children are meaningfully absorbed in their preferred tools of offline play, they will be less drawn to online entertainment.
When our children are meaningfully occupied with their preferred tools of play, it is easier for them to rely less on devices for entertainment. Our son enjoys playing with Lego, which keeps him offline and occupied for long periods while helping him develop creativity and motor skills.
It is important to find toys that our children enjoy and that are challenging enough to keep them engaged. For example, we intentionally curate our son’s Lego sets by looking for themes that our son would be interested in, and have an age-appropriate difficulty level.
Although the Internet comes with many risks, it is also a powerful educational tool when used appropriately. There are far more educational content options than we ever had in the past.
We should use this to our advantage as far as possible. Our son has picked up a wide variety of knowledge and skills from watching various programmes online, including art (e.g., drawing and craft), culinary skills (e.g., cooking demonstration videos), language, as well as math and science. When used within healthy limits and with close guidance, online technologies can be a rich source of knowledge and exposure for our children.
Remaining connected to our children
It can seem an impossible task to free ourselves from the grip of connectivity in our homes, since there is no manual for how to raise children in the Internet age. At the end of the day, however, technology should be seen as a tool. Our role as parents is to set safe boundaries around the use of technology, manage its risks, and enable our children to draw from its benefits.
Ultimately, there is no replacement for our role as parents in the family. What our children need to grow into healthy and well-regulated individuals is for us to be present and loving in their lives. In a world where our attention is constantly being competed for, let us challenge ourselves to develop the most important connection of all —that with our children.
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
Talking about sex may seem awkward at first, but as you press on, it will begin to feel more natural.
Our effort to help our children develop a healthy understanding of love, relationships, and sex in marriage, is worthwhile.
As you take the first step towards a lifetime of healthy, wholesome relationships for your child, this eGuide will provide you with tools and tips to keep the conversations going!
Suitable for parents with children aged 4 to 15 years.
We live in an increasingly fast-paced and competitive society often described as a VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) world, where the pressure to succeed and perform can leave our children feeling panic-stricken and overwhelmed.
How can we nurture our child’s psychological resilience to better manage stress? Be empowered to emotionally coach your child towards a positive and healthy attitude for learning and living!
Duration: 1 – 1.5 hrs
Delivery Format: Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom
Enquiries:
Find out how you can encourage a growth mindset in your child!
ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.
Every child is unique, with their own personality – and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.
In the ParentEd Dialogues, parents will learn how to take a targeted and intentional approach when parenting each unique child. Each session is led by a Family Coach, who will help parents explore their current parenting challenges, introduce innovative approaches and provide useful feedback to develop real solutions and actions to bring about lasting change in the way you parent!
These dialogue series cover foundational principles that are relevant across all age groups. They promise candid sharing and stimulating conversations among like-minded sojourners on the parenting journey. It’s a great place to acquire timeless principles, priceless perspectives and practical tools for informed, involved and intentional parenting!
Duration: 4 x 2hr sessions
Delivery Format: This workshop is to be conducted onsite with min. 10 pax & max. 20 pax.
Have questions?
Find out how you can empower parent communities!
ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.
Talking about sex can be one of the most daunting tasks for parents, especially if we never had the subject broached with us when growing up. How then can we confidently discuss healthy sexuality, love and relationships with our children?
Discover how you can help your child make wise decisions about their health, relationships, and life!
Duration: 1 – 1.5 hrs
Delivery Format:
Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom
Have questions?
Reach out to find out more about this webinar!
Registration for this webinar has closed. Please join the Interest List for 2024.
ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.
With so much of our children’s time now spent online, how can we raise them to be screenwise and future-ready?
It can be a parent’s greatest challenge to set limits on screentime and boundaries around digital content consumption. Yet if done right, our children can be empowered to consume media wisely.
This webinar is all about creating a healthy, balanced relationship with technology that goes beyond mere rules and restrictions.
* Available Funding:
This topic is available for funding under the collaboration with Infocomm Media Development Authority (IMDA) Digital for Life Fund*.
To be eligible for the subsided programme fee, the following requirements are to be met:
Duration: 1 – 1.5 hrs
Delivery Format:
Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom
Have more questions?
Reach out to find out how you can bring this programme to your workplace or community!
ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.
In today’s world, fathers are increasingly expected to play equal roles with mothers in terms of hands-on care. However, many of us grew up in an age where fathers played more traditional roles, leaving childcare mostly to the mothers. Lacking in role models from their own lives, some fathers may find it intimidating to bond with or care for their little ones, or even struggle to juggle both traditional and modern expectations of fathers.
As a father to two young children, I too have felt inadequate. I often compared myself with mummy, who seems to tackle modern motherhood effortlessly, whether it was bringing home the bacon, cooking, cleaning, or caring for the children. Her list seems infinitely longer than mine!
Though self-doubt continues to be a struggle, I have come a long way in building my confidence as a father. A time of personal reflection, as well as regular affirmation from my wife, has led me to realise that as a father, I play a unique and irreplaceable role in the family.
Here are some ways I have learnt to step up in my role as a father.
“Parents each have unique interests and personalities that can contributed to enriching our children’s development.“
While it is good for parents to recognise our weaknesses and build on them, it should not blind us to our existing strengths. My wife and I have unique interests and personalities that have contributed to enriching our children’s development.
In terms of interests, my wife exposes the children to arts and crafts, cooking, and applies her experiences as an educator to help them learn subjects such as English. As for myself, I bring my sense of humour and creativity to playtime and storytelling, expose my children to mechanical and open-ended styles of play through toys such as Lego and Transformers, and introduce them to other interests like coffee-making.
Personality-wise, my wife brings more energy and spontaneity, and a sense of adventure to our outings together while I bring a tender love and warmth to our relationships, which creates an atmosphere of safety and acceptance in the home.
“Avoid unhealthy comparisons with other parents, and zero in on each other’s strengths and contributions to the family.“
It is human nature to compare ourselves to others, especially in terms of performance and ability. While this can sometimes serve as a benchmark for growth, such comparisons can become toxic when we cling too tightly to unrealistic standards.
Rather than compete on who is the “better” parent at home, it has been helpful for my wife and I to take time to reflect and affirm each other – and ourselves! – on the different ways we contribute to the family.
For instance, my wife is better able to juggle the many tasks at home, spanning from household chores to caring for the kids. She is more natural at keeping the house looking fresh and homely, in part by keeping a lookout for good deals on household items. As an educator by profession, she keeps a better pulse on our children’s learning needs and school schedules. Finally, as the more adventurous parent, she keeps abreast of events and activities that the family can enjoy.
On the other hand, I am better at managing conflicts and meltdowns at home, whether it was between my wife and I or with the children. I am also good at giving the children undivided attention and tuning in to their interests and thoughts, which helps boost their confidence and self-esteem. Finally, I feel better able at guiding the family on making bigger decisions, such as career choices, choosing where to stay, which school our children should go, managing finances and big-ticket expenditures.
Nobody wakes up as a competent parent from day one. Many skills that experienced parents demonstrate today are hard-won from experience or passed down from other parents. Similarly, I had to educate myself in the areas where I lacked. One key way was to leverage modern technologies to accommodate my busy lifestyle. For example, I follow parenting accounts on social media for bite-sized tips and tools which I can absorb on-the-go.
It is also important to get connected to gain support and learn from others. For example, we got connected with fellow parents of younger children and have regular get-togethers. This exposes us to various styles of parenting, while simultaneously helping us and our children to build lasting friendships. We are also members of online parenting groups where we regularly get advice from on a wide variety of parenting issues.
“Papa’s home!!”
Every day when I come home, my children shout for joy and run towards me for a giant bear hug.
This image of my children welcoming me home is seared in my mind and heart. It keeps me going as a father. I once thought that my role as a father was easily replaceable, but this could not be further from the truth; there is no replacement for the role that we play in our family.
To my fellow fathers, if you are struggling with self-doubt over your ability as a father, take heart: At the end of the day, our children do not want a different father, or a “better” father to be at the door. All they want is for their very own Papa to return home to them.
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
We recently passed the halfway mark in 2023. Some people like to do a mid-term life review to ensure they are on track with their goals. Educational institutions have assessments or exams to evaluate their students’ learning.
Have you done a mid-year assessment of your role as a mother?
This may sound like a strange question to ask mothers, but if we care to admit, we are evaluating our “performance” more often than we realise. And the bad news is our self-assessment is often biased because as mums, we are our own harshest critics.
Here are five signs that we are too hard on ourselves.
Comparison is a killjoy in parenting. Knowingly or unconsciously, we compare ourselves with other parents – in the areas of academic performance or in aspects that we or our children are weak in. Does the following inner dialogue sound familiar?
“Why can’t I be like Macy, she is so adept at juggling work and family life…she just got promoted and her children are doing so well in school. What’s wrong with me?”
There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.
There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.
Whether it is expressed verbally or an inner conversation, we are inclined towards negative self-talk.
“I am not good enough”, “I just can’t get everything right”, “I should have known better than to….”, “I am a bad mother.”
If any of these critical statements ring a bell, you are not alone. However, being overly critical of oneself can be unproductive and ineffective. It does not benefit anyone, much less our children, even if we are hard on ourselves and push ourselves to do better or to make our child behave.
Our children’s needs often take centre stage and we are so focused on meeting their needs that we forget to care for ourselves properly. Truth is, we can provide the best care for our children when we first care for ourselves. Prioritising ourselves can make us more effective in our parenting and ultimately, happier as individuals.
One effective antidote to combat such self-defeating thoughts is self-compassion. So, what can we do to develop the art of self-compassion?
1. Embrace unconditional positive regard
Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist introduced the concept of unconditional positive regard as a key component in his person-centred approach to therapy. It involves showing care and prizing a person by unconditionally accepting whatever the person does or is feeling.
While unconditional positive regard is often associated with counselling, it can also be applied in other relationship contexts (e.g., parent-child, husband-wife).
We can apply unconditional positive regard to ourselves as mums too – accepting and valuing ourselves regardless of circumstances we face in our parenting.
2. Learn to silence the inner critic
Silencing the inner critic takes time, patience, and practice. Do not lose heart if you do not get it right in the initial stage of practising this technique. Keep at it and you will experience a positive mindset change.
3. Prioritise your self-care
One of the best gifts we can give our children is a healthy and happy mother. So, make time to nurture ourselves through activities that strengthen the body, mind and spirit.
Parenting is hard work. While it is beneficial to reflect on our actions or take stock of ourselves to learn and grow, as mums, we often take ourselves too seriously and judge ourselves more harshly than we deserve.
Let’s learn to value and accept ourselves unreservedly and develop the skill of silencing our inner critic. What is one thing you will do today to be kind to yourself?
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
Nelson and Gina
Workshop: March 2026
Nelson and Gina Lee have been accredited facilitators with Focus on the Family Singapore for over a decade, beginning their involvement conducting relationship talks for tertiary students since 2011.
Driven by a passion for nurturing strong relationships, they have extensive experience in facilitating dating workshops for courting couples and pre-marital programmes for those considering marriage. They have also have led marriage retreats designed to deepen connection and commitment among married couples.
