Infidelity: How to rebuild trust after an affair?
Navigating the path from betrayal to a stronger marriage
Published on 30 August, 2024
Rebuilding trust after an affair is a complex, emotional journey. The betrayal of infidelity shakes the very foundation of a marriage, leaving both spouses grappling with pain, anger, guilt, and a deep sense of loss.
However, healing is possible if both parties are committed to the process. As Nah Kiat Yong, a counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore with over 11 years of experience, shares, “The journey of healing is not just about moving past the affair; it’s about addressing the trauma, rebuilding trust, and creating a new marriage.”
“The couple needs to work very hard. They need a lot of energy and vulnerability to open up and share their feelings and thoughts.”
Understanding the emotional fallout
Before delving into the steps of healing, it’s essential to acknowledge the emotional impact of infidelity. The pain experienced by the betrayed spouse is profound, often likened to trauma or PTSD. Symptoms like hypervigilance, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts are common.
As Kiat Yong notes, “The betrayed often come in with emotional pain—some numb out, others have episodes of emotional explosion. Sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and depression are also prevalent.”
The betrayer, too, suffers, though in different ways. Shame, guilt, and helplessness dominate their emotional landscape, and they may also be grieving the loss of their affair partner. Both spouses are in pain, and the healing process is neither linear nor easy. “The couple needs to work very hard,” says Kiat Yong. “They need a lot of energy and vulnerability to open up and share their feelings and thoughts.”
“The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, express remorse, and take responsibility. If they have committed the affair, they have to admit it.”
The importance of a safe space
One of the first steps in rebuilding trust is creating a safe space for the betrayed spouse to express their emotional pain. This involves using “I” statements to avoid escalating conflicts. Instead of saying, “You make me so angry,” the betrayed should express, “I am angry.” This approach helps prevent the betrayer from becoming defensive, allowing for a more productive dialogue.
Kiat Yong emphasises the need for the betrayed spouse to ask questions about the affair repeatedly. This process, though painful, is crucial for the betrayed to make sense of their emotions and verify the consistency of their spouse’s answers. However, Kiat Yong advises against asking about the sexual details of the affair, as these can create lasting and damaging images that are difficult to overcome.
Navigating the shame cycle
For the betrayer, facing these questions can feel like an unbearable ordeal. They may feel cornered, eager to move on, or even protective of their spouse and/or their affair partner. Yet, avoiding these questions only prolongs the healing process. As Kiat Yong explains, “The more the betrayer is not forthcoming, the more the betrayed will poke and ask, and we cannot move on.”
The shame cycle can further complicate the process. When the betrayer falls into defensiveness, rationalisation, or justification, it only deepens the betrayed spouse’s pain. Instead, the betrayer must acknowledge their actions, express remorse, and take responsibility. “If they have committed the affair, they have to admit, ‘I made the wrong decision. I made the wrong choice. I have betrayed you.'”
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about understanding the impact of the betrayal and choosing to move forward.”
The role of forgiveness in rebuilding trust
Forgiveness is a critical component of rebuilding trust, but it must come after the betrayed spouse has fully expressed their pain and the betrayer has acknowledged their wrongdoing.
Kiat Yong asserts, “To the extent that we forgive is the extent we can rebuild trust.” However, forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about understanding the impact of the betrayal and choosing to move forward.
The betrayer must demonstrate sincere remorse and a willingness to change. This can be as simple as one’s daily actions—being more present, taking on household chores, or simply being there when the betrayed spouse needs to talk.
Actions speak louder than words in this stage of healing. As Kiat Yong puts it, “The brain of the betrayed is traumatised. The brain cannot trust anymore. So, if the spouse says, ‘I will choose you. I want the marriage. I will do anything,’ the betrayed will say, ‘But I don’t believe you because I can’t believe you. I want to believe you, but I can’t.'”
“The couple must work together to establish new patterns of interaction and address any lingering issues that may have contributed to the affair.”
Rebuilding trust: a new marriage
After forgiveness comes the work of rebuilding trust—not just in the betrayer but also in oneself. The betrayed spouse often struggles with self-doubt, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust their senses. They may wonder how they could have been deceived without suspecting anything, leading to thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my senses? I can’t even trust my senses. How can I trust myself again?”
Kiat Yong asserts that patience, consistency, and assurance from the betrayer will help the betrayed regain trust and confidence in themselves. It takes effort from both sides and compassion from the betrayer.
The focus must then shift to creating a new marriage. The old marriage, often marked by disconnection and unmet needs, has died. The couple must work together to establish new patterns of interaction and address any lingering issues that may have contributed to the affair.
This process is unique to each marriage and must be uncovered through counselling sessions. “We basically look at past interaction patterns as well as certain needs that have not been met,” Kiat Yong says. “The couple needs to work on this for the new marriage.”
Preventing future trust issues
To prevent future trust issues, it is crucial for the betrayer to be emotionally available and supportive, especially during moments of triggers, flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts. Understanding the damage caused to the marriage and genuinely working towards healing are vital. As Kiat Yong points out, “If any man loves his wife and understands the damage, he will not do it again.”
Motivation is also a key element in successful recovery. Couples who are motivated to work on their marriage, who are willing to do the hard work of opening up, being vulnerable, and consistently showing up for each other, are more likely to recover well and quickly.
“The biggest element is motivation,” Kiat Yong concludes. “If they are motivated to work on recovery, they will recover well and fast.”
A journey of hope and renewal
Rebuilding trust after an affair is undoubtedly challenging, but it is not impossible. With commitment, vulnerability, and a willingness to face the pain head-on, couples can not only recover but also build a stronger, more connected marriage.
It requires both spouses to be patient with the process, to support each other through the emotional ups and downs, and to focus on creating a new, healthier relationship. In the words of Kiat Yong, “The old marriage has died, and they must focus on rebuilding the new marriage.”
