Resource Type: Articles

Nurture Your Marriage by Building Lasting Friendship

Friendship in marriage is vital, but the busyness of life can squelch it.  

Most couples are great friends when they get married, but after a few years, the pressures of life start sapping their energy and time for each other. If a marriage continues without friendship, many couples see divorce as the only way out. But it’s not! If you think fun, friendship and emotional connection in marriage aren’t possible, think again. Don’t let emotional connection in marriage fade away — revive it using these tips. 

Most couples are great friends when they get married, but after a few years, the pressures of life start sapping their energy and time for each other.

The importance of friendship in marriage  

There’s a common myth about marriage: It’s that the longer you’ve been married, the more work and less fun it is. This belief implies that the first few years of marriage are the enjoyable ones when friendship is really strong and there simply won’t be time or energy for that kind of connection over time.  

But marriages don’t have to end up that way. Having a strong friendship and emotional connection in marriage is an intentional choice. It’s a choice made by two people who are committed to a long-term relationship, and it also requires action. The second law of thermodynamics says that when something is in motion, it tends to slow down unless someone keeps pushing it. If we don’t pay attention to our friendship and keep it going, that friendship will lose momentum and disappear over time — and then the rest of the relationship will begin to wither. 

Friendship isn’t optional in marriage; it’s the lifeblood of long-term success. Research by the Gottman Institute has revealed that “great friendship” is highly correlated with “high marital satisfaction.” In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman writes, “… happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” If my wife and I are good at working through the tough struggles that come into our lives but there’s no depth of friendship, it’ll feel like all work and no enjoyment. But if we’ve learned how to nurture our friendship and make it a priority, we have the resources to face the tough stuff together. 

Make friendship a lifelong priority in your relationship and your marriage will thrive. Friendship lubricates emotional connection in marriage.

What is emotional connection in marriage?

A strong emotional connection in marriage includes several elements: 

Shared experiences 

When you work with someone, attend the same fellowship at church or meet at an event you’re both attending, you’re sharing a common experience. It’s where romance often begins because there’s that touchpoint of being in the same place at the same time. What experiences have you shared with your spouse lately?  

Shared interests 

Since the early stages of romance involve getting to know what the other person enjoys and what they value, it’s natural to find things to do that you both like. Doing those things together gives you time to talk, and certain activities will rise to the surface as favourites for both of you. Of course, you can’t expect a sports fanatic to get excited about sewing or an outdoor person to thrive on having conversations on the couch. But you can explore your differences and maximize the things you both enjoy. How many interests do you and your spouse share? 

Shared commitment 

Genuine friendships aren’t immune to conflict; they just don’t walk away when it gets tough. In a healthy marriage, both spouses are deeply committed to the relationship — enough to face the challenges. They believe the relationship is worth much more than the momentary feelings, and they’ll do what it takes to work through those issues. They’ve learned to see the issue as the enemy, not each other. Even though these spouses are frustrated, they concentrate on the issue and commit to working on it together instead of letting it come between them. 

How committed are you both to your relationship? 

Shared investment

If both spouses focus on meeting their needs in the relationship, it means they’ve investing in themselves more than their spouse. It becomes a “taking” relationship instead of a “giving” relationship, with spouses keeping score of how the other person is performing. 

If a person focuses on investing in the well-being and growth of their spouse instead, making them their top priority, there’s a continual desire to see them thrive. In that environment, investing in each other becomes a catalyst for fun and friendship — a true emotional connection in marriage. 

What evidence do you see of a giving relationship in your marriage?

A strong, friendship-filled marriage doesn’t happen by default; it happens by design. 

How to strengthen your friendship

A strong, friendship-filled marriage doesn’t happen by default; it happens by design.  

Think of a new vehicle with that new-car smell. As time goes by, the car picks up the odours of dropped french fries, diapers wedged under the seats and stinky soccer uniforms. It might still drive well, but it’s not fun anymore. The same thing can happen with our marriages. If we clean up messes as they happen, we’re investing in the long-term enjoyment of the relationship.  

In both cases, if it’s been years and the mess is still there, we might need the services of a professional to get things back in shape (a car detailer for the vehicle, or a therapist for the marriage).  

No matter how your marriage “smells,” here are some simple, practical ways to invest in your friendship and strengthen the emotional connection in your marriage: 

  • Never stop dating — and if you have, start up again. Talk about what you did for fun in the early years, then find a way to do similar things again. 
  • Schedule weekly time with each other before anything else. It’s easy for the urgencies of life to crowd out investing in your friendship, so schedule time with each other. Protect those appointments the way you would an important meeting with your boss. 
  • Dream together. Discuss how you’re both feeling about the future, then share your feelings without critiquing them. You’re not looking for immediate solutions or changes; you’re just reminding each other that you’re on the same team. 
  • Learn to listen deeply. When your spouse speaks, put your phone across the room, turn off the TV and give them direct eye contact. Ask questions to explore their thoughts. When they reply, say “Tell me more.”  
  • If you’re both readers, explore a book together. Read or listen to a chapter each week, and then go to a restaurant to talk about your reactions. Or maybe you’d rather listen to a podcast together. 
  • Stretch yourself. If your spouse wants to try something new, don’t automatically say no. Be willing to try most things at least once. 
  • Pull relationship weeds quickly. As soon as a problematic issue shows up, acknowledge it with each other. You don’t need to have the solution right away, but you need to get it out in the open. Don’t let the roots grow too deep. 
  • Get professional help when it’s needed. You wouldn’t try to do your own brain surgery, so don’t hesitate to reach out when it’s warranted. 
  • Find something that’s simply fun for both of you and do it regularly. Make fun a priority in your schedule.  
  • Celebrate your spouse’s successes and lift them up when they’re struggling. It’s a way of saying, “I’ve got your back.” It’s what friends do for each other, so it’s even more critical to do this for your spouse.

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.

Make friendship a priority

The German poet Goethe said, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” The longer you’ve been married, the more things will edge their way into your schedule and keep you apart from your spouse. They might be good things that seem to have real value; but if they get in the way of keeping the friendship with your spouse alive and growing, it’s time to review your options. 

Friendship is vital to building a world-class marriage and a strong emotional connection with your spouse. Don’t leave it to chance; make it a priority and pursue it with intention. Make your marriage fun again!

© 2022 Mike Bechtle. Used with permission. 

5 Ways to Build a Strong Family while Balancing Work and Studies

Last week, I found myself overwhelmed by a major work project. We had to set up engagement meetings for a launch next year, and I was also juggling final assignments for my semester—one on a complex topic I wasn’t familiar with.  

 On top of that, I was in the midst of applying for practicum sites for my counselling studies, while balancing time with my wife and young children at home. 

 Many readers may relate to the challenge of balancing multiple responsibilities. Some thrive on it, while others feel stretched, wondering if they’re doing enough for their families. Here, I share 5 lessons that have helped me find stability and purpose, even during life’s busiest times. 

“Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages.” 

1. Prioritise building strong family bonds  

I believe in the power of strong family bonds. Healthy family relationships provide essential emotional support, offering warmth and security that few other things in life can match. 

Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages. I’m grateful for how my wife listens to my frustrations, and I make it a point to do the same for her. During last week’s stressful period, her understanding gave me the perspective and strength I needed. 

Parenting can also be surprisingly comforting. Although it takes time and energy, our children’s affection can bring joy and ease our tensions. My son’s little notes, hugs, and gifts remind me of what truly matters in life. 

2. Extend support beyond your family 

These principles for building strong family connections can be extended to friendships and workplace relationships. Friendships, whether at work or elsewhere, can offer us support, especially in challenging times.  

Beyond our peers, open and respectful communication with our supervisors also fosters a healthy work environment. Last week, a helpful conversation with my supervisor gave me the support I needed on a project, and allowed me to deprioritise tasks that didn’t serve my goals. This freed my time up for other equally meaningful pursuits at home and in my studies. 

“Family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions.” 

3. Let go of perfection 

When we juggle multiple responsibilities, it’s unrealistic to expect a perfect outcome for every task. For instance, I learned that achieving straight A’s in my postgraduate studies wasn’t feasible while managing other commitments. Similarly, expecting endless emotional availability from myself or my family wasn’t reasonable, so I had to extend grace to my family members (and similarly receive the same from them too). 

 

4. Set realistic goals to prioritise what matters 

Adjusting our expectations is key to managing stress during intense periods at work and school. While excelling in our careers and studies is important, we should avoid compromising our core relationships in the pursuit of achievements.  

Knowing my values and committing to them helps me find balance. So for me, family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions at work and in my school.  

Ironically, releasing myself from the pressure to excel academically has improved my performance, as I became less anxious and more focused. 

As the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, Albert Ellis, once said, “People tend to disturb themselves with their ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s.” By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can focus on what truly matters and develop greater resilience for life. 

“Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons.” 

5. Tend to our own needs 

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of balancing life’s demands is ensuring our own needs are met. We wouldn’t expect a car to carry passengers and baggage if it’s out of fuel, yet we often overlook our own “fuel tanks.” Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons. 

How do we know if we’re meeting our needs effectively? William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, identifies five basic human needs: 

i. Love and belonging: The need for connection, affection, and acceptance from others. 

ii. Power: The need for achievement, competence, and recognition.   

iii. Freedom: The need for autonomy and the ability to make choices. 

iv. Fun: The need for enjoyment, play, and creativity.  

v. Survival: The basic need for physical health, safety, and security.  

 

Checking our need-o-meter can serve as a reminder to care for ourselves. We may start small, like rewarding ourselves with a nice meal after a busy week (meeting our fun and survival needs) or seeking alignment between our career and personal strengths (meeting our need for power and freedom). 

Remember, balance requires flexibility. By periodically assessing and meeting our needs, we can handle life’s demands with greater purpose and intentionality. 

 In season and out of season 

Nature teaches us valuable lessons about balance. Just as fruits thrive in their own seasons, and climates shift throughout the year, our lives also cycle through seasons of activity and rest.  

 We can’t sustain peak performance indefinitely without risking our most important relationships and well-being. Let’s prioritise what truly matters, invest in our support systems, and give ourselves the grace to adapt to life’s changing seasons. This way, we can emerge from each season with renewed strength and insight. 

Why are Boys’ and Girls’ Bodies Different?

Early years (0-3 Years) 

It is important that we teach our children from the get-go not to be ashamed of their own bodies. One way of doing this is to label body parts with proper terms, not nicknames. Teach your toddler that certain areas of their bodies are private and should not be shown or touched by anyone else other than trusted caregivers; even then, only under specific circumstances like shower time.  

If you have small kids of different sexes at home, there may be situations where your kids are in the shower together or the older child watches you change diapers of the younger. If they raise questions about the difference in anatomy, you can explain that boys and girls have different body parts because we were made to be different.  

You may think this is a small thing, but you are actually laying a foundation for open communication in your family about sex and relationships.   

Preschool years (4-6 Years) 

As they start pre-school and their world expands, your child may ask about body differences between boys and girls. Their language ability increases rapidly during this stage, so continue to use proper names.  

 While our children can be full of curious questions, their cognitive ability is still developing so keep your answers short and simple. Approaching it from science, you can point out that our bodies have different functions. For example, women have breasts that can provide milk for babies and their wombs are made for growing babies. 

 At school, they should also be taught to respect each other’s privacy when going to the toilet and during shower time. On your part, teach them the concept of self-respect which includes knowing how to protect their modesty, and how to say no to hugs or requests that make them uncomfortable.  

You may also want to take the opportunity to correct any unhelpful stereotypes your child might have picked up, e.g., “Boys cannot wear pink” or “Girls should not play soccer”.  

 We want to encourage the development of our children’s individual identity and interests, and help them grow to their full potential. 

Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the primary years, you can share more information about body differences as their thinking becomes more sophisticated. An easy way to do so is to look for a biology book with clear anatomical diagrams and explain what goes on inside our bodies in those parts that look different. 
 
Depending on your child’s maturity, you also may want to start introducing the word “sex” in your talks since it’s a word that they will probably hear about soon. You can explain that boys produce something called sperm in their bodies and women produce eggs called ova. When these two get together, that’s when there is a chance that a baby can be made! If you have a daughter, this is also a good age to start talking about puberty and periods.   
 
Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. As they grow and regardless of their sex, seize teachable moments to talk to them regularly about body safety and modesty.  
 
In a few short years, your child will be undergoing puberty and may become more self–conscious about their bodies. To prepare them for that teenage introspection, it is vital that we help him or her build a healthy body image. So, let’s celebrate their uniqueness and affirm their natural beauty.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Kids Who Do Good Feel Good: How Volunteering Boosts Kids’ Happiness

Volunteering is often thought of as an adult responsibility, yet involving children in acts of service can bring lasting rewards that go far beyond the moment. For many families, giving back together not only strengthens bonds but also nurtures empathy, character, and a sense of purpose in young hearts.  

Read on to discover how three families—Ee Jay, Clement, and Daryl and Melissa Sung—began their volunteering journey and how the experience has enriched their children’s lives. 

The spark of inspiration 

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Ee Jay’s mother fixing a figuring as gift for donors. Photo courtesy of Ee Jay.


For Ee Jay, a dinner conversation with his familysparked an idea for an intergenerational project that would unite his mother, son, and himself around a common cause. 

“I saw my mum’s passion for making miniature figurines and thought, why not use that for good?” Ee Jay said. What started as a simple family activity led to a crowdfunding project where these figurines were given to donors as appreciation gifts. Soon, Ee Jay’s young son joined in, turning it into a meaningful family activity.  

“Working on this project together allowed me to spend more time with my mum and son, and it taught my son, Daniel, the importance of doing something for others, beyond just focusing on what he wants,” added Ee Jay. 

Similarly, Clement Cheong and his family were inspired by an event hosted by Focus on the Family Singapore, where they saw volunteers giving towards a common cause. This shared sense of purpose resonated deeply with them. “We wanted to give back as a family,” Clement explained.  

The Cheong family’s first major project was a flag day, where the children chipped in to collect donations, even though it was a hot day. It was a lesson in resilience as they persevered despite the weather, experiencing first-hand the hard work that is often involved in serving others. 

For Daryl and Melissa Sung, family service became a priority during the COVID-19 pandemic. “We wanted to make acts of service one of our core family values, and the pandemic gave us an opportunity to do it more intentionally for other families,“ Melissa said.

Their daughters helped in various activities, such as baking cookies for fundraisers and assembling gift items. These experiences laid the foundation for important life lessons in teamwork and responsibility. As Daryl puts it, “What better way for children to learn teamwork than for them to understand that their first team is their family. And for them to learn to serve together with their family.”  

My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less. 

Learning life lessons together 

Volunteering as a family offers a wealth of lessons.  

Clement’s children learned a lot about empathy through their experiences. Meeting people from diverse backgrounds taught them to see life from different perspectives. “My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less,” Clement reflected. This new understanding has given them a more compassionate outlook, especially towards friends who may come from different family situations. 

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The Sung Family. Photo courtesy of Daryl.


For Daryl and Melissa’s daughters, volunteering was an exercise in patience and commitment. While they enjoyed activities like baking, the repetition sometimes led to fatigue. “They learned that volunteering is not a quick task—it requires dedication,” Melissa explained. Through discussions about the purpose of their efforts, the children understood that their work was part of a larger cause, helping them value their contributions more deeply, and to persevere when they were tired, because “the end product [is more than just selling cookies or writing cards], but the funds they raise is to benefit the lives of other families.

Overcoming challenges as a family

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Clement volunteering with his family at a Focus on the Family Singapore event. Photo courtesy of Clement.
 
Volunteering as a family isn’t without its hurdles. Ee Jay’s family had to coordinate schedules across three generations and face the challenge of producing detailed and quality figurines that could be used as a gift for donors.  
 
Similarly, Clement’s family encountered moments of frustration due to clashing personalities. “At times, we focused on what each other couldn’t do instead of what we could bring to the table,” Clement shared. But by learning to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses within the family, they turned these challenges into opportunities for growth. 
Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew. I cherish my family even more now. 

The lasting rewards of serving together

The rewards of family volunteering have left each family richer in experience, closer in connection, and more appreciative of each other. Ee Jay shared that the time spent together allowed him to see new sides of his mother and son. “Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew,” he said. “I cherish my family even more now.” 

For Daryl and Melissa, the unity and teamwork developed through service have deepened their family bond. Their daughters have learned to appreciate their blessings and understand the importance of giving back. “They now feel a strong sense of accomplishment in contributing to others,” Melissa observed. The family has emerged with a stronger sense of connection and purpose, and has learnt to look beyond the needs of their own family to consider others and how they can be a blessing to them. 

It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

A call to action for families 

The stories of Ee Jay, Clement, and the Sungs illustrate how family volunteering can create cherished memories while imparting life-long skills. Volunteering doesn’t just change communities; it changes families. Yes, challenges will arise, but as Ee Jay wisely said, “The rewards outweigh the inconveniences.” 

For families considering this journey, remember that giving back doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be grand. Start small, involve everyone according to their abilities, and be patient with the process. It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

So, to all families reading this: Take the leap. Find a cause, make a plan, and dedicate time to give back together. Let your children see the impact they can have on others, and watch as they learn lessons of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. Volunteer as a family, and give your children the gift of compassion that will serve them—and the world—for a lifetime. 

We hope that the stories of these three ordinary families have inspired you to make a difference. If you and your family wish to embark on a meaningful journey of giving this holiday season, you may do so here, or connect with us at Relations@family.org.sg 

Foundations of a Lifelong Marriage

There are many principles that, if practiced, can help you build a solid marital foundation. Here are some of those key principles: 

1. Commitment 

“Commitment” is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasises individual rights, personal freedom and mobility. The idea of giving these up because of dedication to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot of people feel trapped. 

But I don’t think you can have it both ways. You can’t build a divorce-proof marriage and remain unbending toward your personal rights. That doesn’t mean you give up all your freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to the relationship supersedes your individual rights. 

Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being met. I’ve found that when I focus only on my needs and forget about my wife, I tend to get irritated and disappointed. I may even begin to imagine how much better off I’d be with a different wife. On the other hand, I feel satisfied when I focus on my wife’s needs and how I can creatively meet them. 

Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. 

2. Communication 

Someone once said, “Communication is to love as blood is to the body.” Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies. 

The kind of communication I’m talking about isn’t just exchanging information; it’s sharing feelings, hurts, joys. That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life. 

But it’s not easy since men and women are different in this area. Research makes it clear that women have greater linguistic abilities than men. Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk. Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives. 

Like conflict resolution, communication is a learned skill — and it’s often hard work. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks and going out for dinner are conversation inducers that keep love alive. 

It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to both of you. 

3. Patience

We live in an instant world — fast foods, credit cards, high-speed Internet connection.  

The problem is we can’t heat up a marriage in the microwave. Relationships just don’t work that way. Marriage, especially takes time and care to become really beautiful. That means learning patience. 

When you put two people — any two — in the same house, you’re going to have irritations and annoyances. My wife doesn’t always respond like I wish she would. And she still expects me to pick up my dirty clothes, be on time for dinner and remember her birthday.   

Beyond the day-to-day quirks and foibles you must accept, patience is needed for the long haul. It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to both of you. A lot of people don’t have the patience to wait around for things to evolve. But if you’re willing to sit tight and hang in there, your marriage can be fantastic. 

4. Strong Beliefs 

We’re more than a bundle of feelings and physical sensations. There is an inner core of our being that represents the deepest, most permanent aspect of marriage. 

Research shows that couples with strong religious beliefs are far more likely to stay together than those without them. It’s the shared morals and values that hold a husband and wife together. This solid foundation is a fortress against the storms of life. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

© 1992 Focus on the Family. Used with permission.

Is Compatibility Important in Dating and Marriage?

At the beginning of my first and only dating relationship, I anticipated everything a new romance would bring: the butterflies, the shy anticipation of the next date, and the heightened awareness of the presence of someone significant in my life! 

However, I couldn’t fully celebrate the first 10 months of our relationship, as I was plagued with uncertainty—alongside a barrage of well-meaning questions from family and friends: 

Are you sure about this? 
How well do you know him? 
You both seem so different—are you sure you’re a good match? 
How will you build trust or communicate being apart from each other? 

With all these questions, I couldn’t help but wonder: Are we really compatible?  

My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I had an atypical relationship. We were in a long-distance relationship for five of the six years we dated, and our compatibility was constantly in question. This amplified my own uncertainty, and I began to question whether I was truly committed to a long-term relationship with marriage in mind, or simply didn’t want to lose our friendship as he left to study overseas. 

“We had incompatible coping mechanisms and conflict management styles, which often left our relationship strained and distant.”

Compatibility vs. Incompatibility

My curiosity about whether we were made for each other or not motivated me to work hard during the first two years of our dating relationship. 

By definition, incompatibility means being “incapable of association or harmonious existence,” while compatibility refers to being “capable of existing in harmony.” 

At first, I wondered: How are we incompatible? We were peace-loving, harmonious individuals, though we had differing characteristics and personalities (as most couples do). But as our disagreements surfaced and our differences became more apparent, I began to see areas of potential breakdown. 

We discovered that we had very different coping mechanisms and conflict management styles, which often left our relationship strained and distant. During our long-distance dating, we had cold wars that lasted for days until we both calmed down and were ready to talk through our issues. In marriage, this dynamic initially continued, but over time we learnt to manage better, gradually reducing the length of our cold wars and learning to make repairs to hurt feelings much quicker. 

We realised that while we had our differences, we were not incapable of existing in harmony; instead, we had to learn how to create that harmony together. 

“When effort is intentionally sown, and couples commit to working through challenges together, they may find themselves more compatible than ever.” 

Valuable lessons learnt

Six years into our marriage, I’ve learned 3 valuable lessons that have helped keep our differences at bay:

1. Keep trying to be compatible

It takes two to sustain a marriage, and that requires effort from both sides.

Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., author of the internationally bestselling book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, describes it aptly:

“Having counselled for over 30 years, I am convinced that marital compatibility is a problem of gigantic proportions in most marriages. Couples are usually most compatible on the day of their marriage, and things go downhill from there. Why? Because, prior to marriage, they make a great effort to become compatible. They try to understand each other’s likes and dislikes and then try to accommodate those feelings. They are usually willing to change their behaviour to become more compatible.”

However, Dr. Harley highlights a sad and confronting truth:
“Most couples stop trying to be compatible as soon as they’re married.”

Incompatibility creeps in when spouses get overly comfortable with the marriage “status quo,” and the effort to maintain compatibility fades.

The good news is, the reverse is also true: when effort is intentionally sown, and couples commit to working through challenges together, they may find themselves more compatible than ever.

To foster compatibility, create specific habits that promote understanding and connection. For example, setting aside time for weekly check-ins with your spouse to share concerns, emotions, and aspirations in a calm, non-confrontational environment.

Shared activities, such as cooking together, going for a walk, or doing something your spouse enjoys, can help build rapport and remind you of the joy that brought you together. These small but intentional efforts go a long way in building trust and connection.   

“Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet. Instead, work together to find common ground with each other.”

2. Don’t allow incompatibility to become an excuse

The danger of allowing incompatibility to fester in a marriage is that it opens the door for separation or divorce to become attractive options. When life’s responsibilities weigh heavily, and both parties feel overwhelmed, the next option is to check out. 

At this stage, one spouse may start to feel neglected, which can lead to a vicious cycle – the more neglected one feels, the more neglectful one becomes. Eventually, you may forget what you once saw in your spouse. 

Whatever you cannot agree upon defines an area of incompatibility. Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet. Instead, work together to find common ground with each other, by going through the process of conflict resolution. Choose to fight for each other, not against. 

One practical way to “fight for each other, not against” is to reframe disagreements as opportunities to learn more about your spouse, rather than battles to win. Instead of viewing differences as points of irreconcilable conflict, approach them as areas to explore together, with empathy and curiosity.  

For instance, when a conflict arises, try to listen with the intent to understand rather than respond, and work towards solutions that benefit both parties. This mindset fosters mutual respect and shifts the focus from competition to collaboration.  

“Overcoming differences and cultivating oneness begins and is sustained with intentionality, and a great start looks like prioritising your marriage above other things.” 

3. Overcome incompatibility with intentionality

If you believe your marriage is worth it, be intentional in loving and pursuing your spouse—reminding each other, “You are worth my time, attention, and affection.” 

Overcoming differences and cultivating oneness begins and is sustained with intentionality, and a great start looks like prioritising your marriage above other things (including hobbies or work commitments) and going on regular dates to strengthen your bond.  

It may also entail forsaking independence (making decisions alone) to become interdependent and reliant on each other, even when it feels uncomfortable.   

Incompatibility isn’t a dead end, but rather an invitation to grow together. By continually choosing to prioritise love, effort, and mutual respect, couples can transform differences into strengths and build a lasting, harmonious marriage. 

Remember, in continually pursuing harmony and oneness in your marriage, you’re not just fighting for your marriage—you’re fighting for your family. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

Why I’m Not Fretting Over Finding a Spouse

Currently in my mid-twenties, it is not uncommon that I get asked the question, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “How’s your dating life? Any updates?” 

Four years ago, when my relationship status changed from attached to single, most people were gracious in giving me space to heal and recover. But with each year that has passed, I’ve noticed a growing curiosity about whether I was in a relationship – as if this was the life update that people were most interested in. 

I don’t blame my well-meaning friends who care about my love life and future, though. 

With the buzzwords in all my social circles being “BTO, proposal, engaged, reno, wedding, baby,” it seems like I am the one who is not part of “the norm,” and my singlehood, out of place. 

While some may offer attempts of consolation like how “26 is still young” and “there’s still time”, I would be lying if I said I’ve never been anxious about when I would meet that somebody, or whether I would even get married. 

It has been a journey of wading through the waters of discomfort and insecurity – an all-too-familiar pool that I still revisit every now and then. 

Yet there are also plenty of things I’ve grown to value and love about singlehood, and precious lessons and experiences I’ve collected along the way. 

Here’s a peek into my journey through singlehood. 

Knowing My Worth

I’ve struggled with being single because it feels like I am missing out on something. Sometimes it feels like my joys and experiences are less than that of those who are attached, and that I am not complete. 

This season of singlehood has also been filled with discoveries of the self, growing to be more certain about who I am, being comfortable in my own skin, and learning that I am already a whole person on my own. I’ve been more aware of my values, trigger points, what motivates me, and the things that are truly important to me. 

In the past year especially, I’ve been challenged to dig deeper into my identity. Different situations I faced left me close to crumbling – and I came to realise that I’ve anchored a huge part of my sense of worth in what I can or cannot do, my achievements, how I was doing in comparison to others, and how much I was accepted by those around me. 

But I saw that if I continue anchoring my identity in what is external and ever-changing, then I will be going through life with a fragile sense of self. 

Having a strong sense of who I am contributes to emotional stability, and self-awareness brings steadiness and clarity – traits that are important regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not. 

Though sometimes uncomfortable, I am enjoying the ride of self-discovery. 

Refining My Perspectives on Marriage

With no romantic feelings at play, singlehood is the perfect time to think through key questions like: 

  • What is the purpose of marriage? 
  • Why do I want to get married? 
  • What are the non-negotiables and key traits I want in a prospective spouse? 

As I ask myself these questions, read about the topic of marriage, and have conversations with others, I get a clearer picture of what marriage is, uncover my own motivations for marriage and sharpen my perspectives on family. 

If left unchecked, my desire for marriage can be driven by social pressure, fear of loneliness and even romantic ideals. 

But I think the value of marriage holds greater weight than simply meeting these desires, so clarifying my perspectives and motives has been needful for me. 

Finding Joy in Strong Relationships

Long conversations over dinner. New experiences in a foreign country. Friendships built upon shared interests and humour, made strong by sticking by each other through life’s storms and enjoying mountaintop moments together. 

I once heard that forming genuine friendships can be difficult in adulthood, but I am grateful that most of my experiences with friendships as a young adult have been positive. 

Friendships that have stood the test of time and other meaningful ones I’ve acquired in recent years have played such a huge role in providing a sense of belonging and in my experience of being known and loved. It’s also special when friends include me in their family life – with their spouses becoming my personal friends and getting to hang out with their little ones! 

There’s nothing quite like having my love tank filled through a weekend spent with people who feel like home. 

Loving What I Do, Doing What I Love

In addition to the meaningful relationships I have found in my communities, I derive much joy and purpose in the things I get to do. 

Working in the social service sector, I have the privilege of impacting families and youths – something I find fulfilling. Interacting with likeminded people has also been life-giving as we keep each other going while sowing into meaningful work. 

Outside of work, I’ve unearthed the treasures of running and working out at the gym. I love getting to challenge my limits, setting goals and working towards them. Fulfilment in fitness comes not just in personal progress and growth, but also in enjoying the journey with community! There is something special about sportsmanship and supporting each other to achieve greater things. 

Learning to Live at my Own Pace

For sure, there are days where I feel like I am missing out on something, getting left behind, and my chances of marriage are slipping away as quickly as time is; nights where I wonder if there is anything wrong with me and if I’m that undesirable. 

Even though I am not “progressing” through life like the rest of my peers, finding a spouse is not something I need to fret about because I know that my singlehood doesn’t make me any less than attached or married individuals. I still get to enjoy deep and meaningful relationships and experience life to the fullest. 

That said, I’ve also caught glimpses of the beauty marriage holds. And so, while I’m not fretting over it, marriage is something I still dream of, and meeting people is something I am opening myself up to. 

But whether I get married sometime in the future or marriage never becomes a reality for me, I want to remain content knowing that I am already a whole person who has a place in society, and who can still sow into Family. 

Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids

In a world where the sex and gender binary is being challenged and transgenderism is being presented as a cool fad on social media, parents may find themselves dumbfounded when encountering challenging questions from their children.   

What makes someone a male or female? How do I know if I’m not a female stuck in a male body? How do we start having these conversations with our kids? 

Amid the growing confusion about biology, sex and gender, it’s important to get the facts straight.  

Sex is binary, >99.98% of the time  

As far as biological sex goes, sex is binary and not a spectrum. Over 99.98% of people can be accurately categorised as male or female, based on their physiology, hormones and chromosomes.  

For most people, these three indicators are aligned, and sex is unambiguous. 

Indicators Male Female
Physiology
(reproductive organs, body shape, etc) 		Testes, penis, facial hair, more muscle mass, deeper voice pitch etc Ovaries, uterus, vagina, breasts, wider hips, more body fat, higher voice pitch etc
Hormones Much higher testosterone levels than females Much higher estrogen and progesterone levels than males
Genetics
(chromosomes) 		XYXX

Only in very rare cases is sex ambiguous, falling into the category of “intersex”. Some examples of these are people who present with both types of genitalia (but with all other indicators showing either male or female), males with very low levels of testosterone, or females who embody cells with XY chromosomes – but these are the exception rather than the norm. 

Maleness or femaleness is not limited to the reproductive organs — sex chromosomes are expressed in every single cell of our bodies — in other words, all cells have a sex. (See: Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?) 

In a biological sense, you are either male or female, for more than the vast majority of people. 

Understanding gender 

For a long time, people thought of “gender” as being synonymous with “sex”. However, over time, “gender” has evolved to be understood as a social and cultural construct. 

The World Health Organisation defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys” including “norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.” 

It is said that boys and girls are brought up within societal and cultural expectations according to their gender. Boys, who are seen as the protectors, are given guns and swords to play with while girls, who may later bear children and make a home, are made to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dolls. 

There are general masculine traits (males tend to be more risk-taking, dominant and aggressive, etc) versus feminine traits (females tend to be more nurturing, emotional and sensitive, etc). Studies show that these broad characteristics and behaviours of each gender may be fuelled by sex differences in the brain and genetic make-up.    

However, both males and females can display masculine as well as feminine traits to varying degrees. Each person has a unique personality and cannot be forced into a single mould.  

 Instead of categorising people according to gender stereotypes, which is not helpful, it is better to identify positive or negative traits. For example, decisive leadership is good for the thriving of society, but violence, bullying and harassment are not. Caring for others and fostering community through friendship is positive, but gossiping, being passive-aggressive and manipulative are not.  

 There is a growing narrative today that people can assume the gender they identify more with – who they “feel” they are – rather than who they actually are. However, as parents, we should ground our children in truth – which is not based on feelings but on reality.  

 When do we start these conversations?  

When speaking about complex issues with our children, it’s important to think about their age, maturity and ability to grasp such concepts.  

Preschool years (4-6 Years)

Around the preschool ages, we can talk about the differences between male and female bodies, for example during bath time.  

Children are naturally curious at a very young age and may have questions such as, “Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn’t, mummy?” To which we can answer, “Women have breasts and men do not. When women get pregnant and give birth, their breasts start to produce milk so that they can feed their babies.”  

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the lower primary schooling years of seven to nine, we should ideally begin to talk about sexual reproduction and how males and females complement each other in a healthy society. 

 

Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children. 

Tween years (10-12) 

More in-depth conversations regarding sex and gender can begin during the tween years when children start to have the maturity to grasp more difficult concepts and topics, using the pointers given above. 

Very often, it is an unexpected event that sparks these conversations and we are caught unaware. Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism, or peers may have talked about having pronouns at school. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children.  

Children are starting to explore questions on gender identity at a younger age, but it is unusual for them to be initiating such topics on their own, and is usually the result of social media or peer influence.  

It is important that we watch over our children’s media consumption, while ensuring that our attachment with our kids remains secure. This will help us retain our influence over our children.  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

True acceptance and affirmation  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

Accept and affirm them in their biological sex, gender and personality, instead of making them conform to stereotypes. There are sensitive boys who cry easily when hurt and girls with natural leadership gifts who like to take charge. Affirm them in their uniqueness: “You are a sensitive person who cares about others and helps people,” or “You are a strong leader.”  

Allow them to discover themselves through their interests — whether it be boys wanting to learn ballet or play with doll houses (who will hopefully grow to help with the domestic chores), or girls wanting to pursue archery or bodybuilding.  

Instead of thinking of gender as being on a spectrum, we can ponder how each person is unique and colourful in their combination of interests and personality.  

As parents who have cared and loved our children since they were born, we should be unashamed in affirming them, advocating for them and accepting them for who they are — male or female.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

7 Ways To Resolve Differences in Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful journey, but it also comes with its share of challenges. One of the most common struggles couples face is resolving their differences. These differences, stemming from unique backgrounds, personalities, and perspectives, often lead to disagreements.  

So, how can couples navigate these differences in a healthy and constructive way? To explore this, we turned to Madelin Tay, a licensed counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore, who shares 7 actionable tips:  

  1. Recognise that differences in marriage are inevitable   
  2. Approach differences with a growth mindset 
  3. Focus on finding common ground, rather than being defensive 
  4. Slow down conversations to improve understanding   
  5. Use time-outs effectively, but always follow with a time-in  
  6. Practice paraphrasing to ensure clear communication 
  7. Work on resolving differences  

1. Differences in marriage are inevitable

Differences in marriage are inevitable. As Madelin points out, “Conflicts often arise from habits of daily living, how couples manage finances, spend time together, and balance personal time.” Even small issues—like how to squeeze the toothpaste or whether to leave the toilet seat up or down—may trigger larger conflicts if left unresolved.  

Sexual intimacy is another common area where differences arise. Couples may have contrasting expectations about sex, adding strain to their relationship.  

While small habits may not push couples to seek counselling, Madelin notes that they are often “packed together with bigger issues” if couples eventually do go for counselling. 

“Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.” 

It’s easy to assume that differences in marriage are inherently problematic, but this isn’t always the case. According to Madelin, “Differences are present in every couple.”  

These contrasts, whether they appear as opposites (such as one spouse being a night owl and the other an early bird) or variations in degree (both spouses might be generous, but towards different causes), form part of the relationship dynamic.  

In fact, differences might have been part of what initially attracted you to your spouse. You might have been drawn to their outgoing nature or their ability to connect with people easily. However, over time, these same traits can become sources of frustration. As Madelin puts it, “What initially attracted you may later cause stress or annoyance, but it’s important to approach these differences with a mindset of growth and compromise.” 

“Both spouses may assume their way is the ‘right’ way… this protective mindset can hinder genuine listening and resolution.” 

2. Embracing differences for personal growth 

A key aspect of navigating differences is shifting your perspective. Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.  

“None of us are perfect,” Madelin reminds us. “When you meet someone who is different from you, it can be an opportunity for personal growth. Your spouse may bring new perspectives, and though they may grate on you at times, it’s also a chance for individual and mutual growth.” 

This mindset shift—moving from seeing differences as challenges to viewing them as opportunities for growth—can help couples persevere through difficult conflicts, with the hope that they will emerge stronger as a couple as they work through these differences.  

3. Finding common ground 

A common pitfall in marriage is the desire to protect or defend your way of doing things. “A lot of times when couples talk about their differences, both spouses may assume their way is the ‘right’ way,” says Madelin. This protective mindset can hinder genuine listening and resolution. 

Instead, couples should strive to listen with an open mind and focus on finding common ground. Madelin shares an example of a couple who both enjoyed helping others but disagreed on which groups to support. “It’s not that they were totally different,” she explains. “Their intent was the same, but the expression of that intent looked different.” Recognising that the core values are aligned, even when the expressions differ, is key to resolving conflicts.   

“Slowing down and paraphrasing each other’s points ensures that both spouses feel heard and prevents reactive comments that can escalate the conflict.” 

4. The importance of slowing down

Effective communication is essential in reconciling differences. “How a couple unwinds, how often they visit family, or when to pay bills—these are just some examples of how differences show up in daily life,” says Madelin. Each spouse often has good intentions, but the way they express their needs or preferences might differ, leading to misunderstandings. 

Madelin emphasises the importance of slowing down conversations, especially when emotions are running high. “Sometimes, it’s how fast things fire out that causes harm,” she explains. Slowing down and paraphrasing each other’s points ensures that both spouses feel heard and prevents reactive comments that can escalate the conflict. This technique helps couples clarify their perspectives and move toward resolution more calmly. 

5. Using time-outs effectively 

In the heat of the moment, emotions can take over, making productive communication difficult. This is where a “time-out” can be invaluable.  

 “When things are heated, and you feel like you’re just rambling and not being heard, it’s time to take a time-out,” advises Madelin. The purpose of a time-out is to prevent hurtful words from being said in the heat of anger, which can have long-lasting impacts. 

However, Madelin cautions that a time-out should not be seen as running away from the issue. “A time-out is not about withdrawal. It’s about calming down so that you can think clearly and reengage with the issue constructively.” Couples should discuss in advance what a time-out looks like for them—whether it’s a brief break of one or two hours or a scheduled conversation at a more relaxed time, such as the weekend. 

Madelin also stresses the importance of a “time-in” after the time-out. “A time-out without a time-in is not effective,” she says. Couples should make sure to follow up after calming down to discuss the issue in a productive way. 

6. Paraphrasing for better understanding 

When it’s time to re-engage after a conflict, one of the most effective communication tools is paraphrasing. This technique allows couples to ensure they’re truly understanding each other.  

“When one spouse is speaking, the other should paraphrase what they’re hearing,” Madelin advises. “It slows down the conversation, which is exactly what we need sometimes to avoid saying things that are hurtful.” 

For example, if one spouse expresses frustration, the other might say, “What I’m hearing is that you’re upset because you feel I’m not contributing enough to household chores. Is that correct?” This allows for clarification before things escalate and helps both spouses feel heard and validated. 

7. The reward of effectively resolving differences

Ultimately, the goal of resolving differences in marriage is to rebuild connection and strengthen the relationship. By listening actively, paraphrasing, and embracing differences as opportunities for growth, couples can create a stronger bond. 

Madelin encourages couples to view their differences not as insurmountable obstacles, but as a natural part of the marriage journey. With the right mindset and communication tools, these differences can be bridges that bring couples closer, rather than barriers that drive them apart. 

In conclusion, learning to reconcile differences in marriage requires patience, communication, and a willingness to grow together. As Madelin wisely reminds us, “It’s not about being perfect or always agreeing. It’s about learning, growing, and finding common ground, even when it feels difficult.” 

How to Not Let Stress and Anxiety Get the Better of You

Stress and anxiety affect people of all ages. While for some, stress works as a form of motivation, others find it overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. In today’s fast-paced world, managing both stress and anxiety is a crucial skill.

Though often confused, stress and anxiety aren’t the same. According to Focus on the Family Singapore’s counsellor Samantha Cheng, stress is a natural bodily response that triggers physical reactions like a racing heart, dry mouth, and stomach aches. Even animals experience stress.

Anxiety can take different forms, such as panic attacks, social anxiety, or phobias.

What can we do when faced with stress and anxiety? Here are some practical tips to manage stress and anxiety with effective tips, exercises, and strategies for both adults and children.

“Asking yourself, ‘Why am I stressed?’ can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.”

How to acknowledge and manage stress effectively 

Samantha explains that when managed well, stress can improve brain function—boosting memory, attention, and processing speed. “First, acknowledge your stress,” says Samantha. “Then, notice what’s causing it.”

Simply repeating how stressed you feel without figuring out the reason won’t help. Asking yourself, Why am I stressed? can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.

For instance, if you’re nervous about a meeting with your boss, ask yourself, What do I care about here? Maybe it’s a promotion or concern over how you’re viewed. Once you identify your concern, take action. Talk to your boss, get feedback, and focus on working toward your goals, instead of letting stress control you.

“Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.”

Transforming stress into growth

By changing how you think about stress, you can use it as a tool for growth. Samantha calls this “stress-related growth,” which can build mental toughness, encourage new perspectives, and give us a clearer sense of priorities.

“When we’re stressed, our focus sharpens,” she explains. “That’s nature helping us focus on what’s important.” Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.

These stressful moments can also show you what really matters in life. They can lead to a greater appreciation of life and a deeper sense of purpose. This skill is valuable not only for you but also for teaching children how to grow through stress.

Helping children manage stress

Teaching your child to recognise stress—like butterflies in their stomach, fear, or avoidance—is the first step. Equip them with simple strategies to manage stress, so they can face challenges confidently.

Here are some techniques that both children and adults can use:

1. Physiological sighs
Take two breaths through your nose—the first filling your lungs and the second a quick shallow breath. Then exhale slowly through your mouth. This calms the nervous system and helps you feel more relaxed.

2. Muscle relaxation exercises
Tense your muscles, then relax them. Start with areas where stress tends to build up, like your shoulders. This releases the physical tension caused by stress.

3. Positive affirmations
Repeating a helpful phrase can ground you during stressful times. For children, something simple like “I can do this” can work. Adults might say, “I’ve faced this before and I can do it again.” Choose a phrase that inspires you and is easy to remember.

4. Anchoring objects
Use a small, familiar item, like a favourite sticker on a pencil case or a small family photo, to remind you of your positive affirmation. Each time you see the object, let it bring you back to a calm state of mind.

Integrating stress management into your daily life

Incorporate these stress-management techniques into your daily activities—whether at work, school, or during interactions with others. Share how you use these techniques with your child. It normalises stress management and models healthy coping strategies.

Sometimes, stress can become overwhelming, and seeking professional help is the best option. No one should face stress and anxiety alone, and there’s always support available. 

With these simple strategies, both adults and children can better manage their stress and anxiety, leading to a more resilient and balanced life.