Resource Type: Articles

Kids Who Do Good Feel Good: How Volunteering Boosts Kids’ Happiness

Volunteering is often thought of as an adult responsibility, yet involving children in acts of service can bring lasting rewards that go far beyond the moment. For many families, giving back together not only strengthens bonds but also nurtures empathy, character, and a sense of purpose in young hearts.  

Read on to discover how three families—Ee Jay, Clement, and Daryl and Melissa Sung—began their volunteering journey and how the experience has enriched their children’s lives. 

The spark of inspiration 

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Ee Jay’s mother fixing a figuring as gift for donors. Photo courtesy of Ee Jay.


For Ee Jay, a dinner conversation with his familysparked an idea for an intergenerational project that would unite his mother, son, and himself around a common cause. 

“I saw my mum’s passion for making miniature figurines and thought, why not use that for good?” Ee Jay said. What started as a simple family activity led to a crowdfunding project where these figurines were given to donors as appreciation gifts. Soon, Ee Jay’s young son joined in, turning it into a meaningful family activity.  

“Working on this project together allowed me to spend more time with my mum and son, and it taught my son, Daniel, the importance of doing something for others, beyond just focusing on what he wants,” added Ee Jay. 

Similarly, Clement Cheong and his family were inspired by an event hosted by Focus on the Family Singapore, where they saw volunteers giving towards a common cause. This shared sense of purpose resonated deeply with them. “We wanted to give back as a family,” Clement explained.  

The Cheong family’s first major project was a flag day, where the children chipped in to collect donations, even though it was a hot day. It was a lesson in resilience as they persevered despite the weather, experiencing first-hand the hard work that is often involved in serving others. 

For Daryl and Melissa Sung, family service became a priority during the COVID-19 pandemic. “We wanted to make acts of service one of our core family values, and the pandemic gave us an opportunity to do it more intentionally for other families,“ Melissa said.

Their daughters helped in various activities, such as baking cookies for fundraisers and assembling gift items. These experiences laid the foundation for important life lessons in teamwork and responsibility. As Daryl puts it, “What better way for children to learn teamwork than for them to understand that their first team is their family. And for them to learn to serve together with their family.”  

My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less. 

Learning life lessons together 

Volunteering as a family offers a wealth of lessons.  

Clement’s children learned a lot about empathy through their experiences. Meeting people from diverse backgrounds taught them to see life from different perspectives. “My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less,” Clement reflected. This new understanding has given them a more compassionate outlook, especially towards friends who may come from different family situations. 

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The Sung Family. Photo courtesy of Daryl.


For Daryl and Melissa’s daughters, volunteering was an exercise in patience and commitment. While they enjoyed activities like baking, the repetition sometimes led to fatigue. “They learned that volunteering is not a quick task—it requires dedication,” Melissa explained. Through discussions about the purpose of their efforts, the children understood that their work was part of a larger cause, helping them value their contributions more deeply, and to persevere when they were tired, because “the end product [is more than just selling cookies or writing cards], but the funds they raise is to benefit the lives of other families.

Overcoming challenges as a family

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Clement volunteering with his family at a Focus on the Family Singapore event. Photo courtesy of Clement.
 
Volunteering as a family isn’t without its hurdles. Ee Jay’s family had to coordinate schedules across three generations and face the challenge of producing detailed and quality figurines that could be used as a gift for donors.  
 
Similarly, Clement’s family encountered moments of frustration due to clashing personalities. “At times, we focused on what each other couldn’t do instead of what we could bring to the table,” Clement shared. But by learning to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses within the family, they turned these challenges into opportunities for growth. 
Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew. I cherish my family even more now. 

The lasting rewards of serving together

The rewards of family volunteering have left each family richer in experience, closer in connection, and more appreciative of each other. Ee Jay shared that the time spent together allowed him to see new sides of his mother and son. “Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew,” he said. “I cherish my family even more now.” 

For Daryl and Melissa, the unity and teamwork developed through service have deepened their family bond. Their daughters have learned to appreciate their blessings and understand the importance of giving back. “They now feel a strong sense of accomplishment in contributing to others,” Melissa observed. The family has emerged with a stronger sense of connection and purpose, and has learnt to look beyond the needs of their own family to consider others and how they can be a blessing to them. 

It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

A call to action for families 

The stories of Ee Jay, Clement, and the Sungs illustrate how family volunteering can create cherished memories while imparting life-long skills. Volunteering doesn’t just change communities; it changes families. Yes, challenges will arise, but as Ee Jay wisely said, “The rewards outweigh the inconveniences.” 

For families considering this journey, remember that giving back doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be grand. Start small, involve everyone according to their abilities, and be patient with the process. It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

So, to all families reading this: Take the leap. Find a cause, make a plan, and dedicate time to give back together. Let your children see the impact they can have on others, and watch as they learn lessons of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. Volunteer as a family, and give your children the gift of compassion that will serve them—and the world—for a lifetime. 

We hope that the stories of these three ordinary families have inspired you to make a difference. If you and your family wish to embark on a meaningful journey of giving this holiday season, you may do so here, or connect with us at Relations@family.org.sg 

Foundations of a Lifelong Marriage

There are many principles that, if practiced, can help you build a solid marital foundation. Here are some of those key principles: 

1. Commitment 

“Commitment” is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasises individual rights, personal freedom and mobility. The idea of giving these up because of dedication to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot of people feel trapped. 

But I don’t think you can have it both ways. You can’t build a divorce-proof marriage and remain unbending toward your personal rights. That doesn’t mean you give up all your freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to the relationship supersedes your individual rights. 

Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being met. I’ve found that when I focus only on my needs and forget about my wife, I tend to get irritated and disappointed. I may even begin to imagine how much better off I’d be with a different wife. On the other hand, I feel satisfied when I focus on my wife’s needs and how I can creatively meet them. 

Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. 

2. Communication 

Someone once said, “Communication is to love as blood is to the body.” Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies. 

The kind of communication I’m talking about isn’t just exchanging information; it’s sharing feelings, hurts, joys. That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life. 

But it’s not easy since men and women are different in this area. Research makes it clear that women have greater linguistic abilities than men. Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk. Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives. 

Like conflict resolution, communication is a learned skill — and it’s often hard work. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks and going out for dinner are conversation inducers that keep love alive. 

It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to both of you. 

3. Patience

We live in an instant world — fast foods, credit cards, high-speed Internet connection.  

The problem is we can’t heat up a marriage in the microwave. Relationships just don’t work that way. Marriage, especially takes time and care to become really beautiful. That means learning patience. 

When you put two people — any two — in the same house, you’re going to have irritations and annoyances. My wife doesn’t always respond like I wish she would. And she still expects me to pick up my dirty clothes, be on time for dinner and remember her birthday.   

Beyond the day-to-day quirks and foibles you must accept, patience is needed for the long haul. It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to both of you. A lot of people don’t have the patience to wait around for things to evolve. But if you’re willing to sit tight and hang in there, your marriage can be fantastic. 

4. Strong Beliefs 

We’re more than a bundle of feelings and physical sensations. There is an inner core of our being that represents the deepest, most permanent aspect of marriage. 

Research shows that couples with strong religious beliefs are far more likely to stay together than those without them. It’s the shared morals and values that hold a husband and wife together. This solid foundation is a fortress against the storms of life. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

© 1992 Focus on the Family. Used with permission.

Is Compatibility Important in Dating and Marriage?

At the beginning of my first and only dating relationship, I anticipated everything a new romance would bring: the butterflies, the shy anticipation of the next date, and the heightened awareness of the presence of someone significant in my life! 

However, I couldn’t fully celebrate the first 10 months of our relationship, as I was plagued with uncertainty—alongside a barrage of well-meaning questions from family and friends: 

Are you sure about this? 
How well do you know him? 
You both seem so different—are you sure you’re a good match? 
How will you build trust or communicate being apart from each other? 

With all these questions, I couldn’t help but wonder: Are we really compatible?  

My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I had an atypical relationship. We were in a long-distance relationship for five of the six years we dated, and our compatibility was constantly in question. This amplified my own uncertainty, and I began to question whether I was truly committed to a long-term relationship with marriage in mind, or simply didn’t want to lose our friendship as he left to study overseas. 

“We had incompatible coping mechanisms and conflict management styles, which often left our relationship strained and distant.”

Compatibility vs. Incompatibility

My curiosity about whether we were made for each other or not motivated me to work hard during the first two years of our dating relationship. 

By definition, incompatibility means being “incapable of association or harmonious existence,” while compatibility refers to being “capable of existing in harmony.” 

At first, I wondered: How are we incompatible? We were peace-loving, harmonious individuals, though we had differing characteristics and personalities (as most couples do). But as our disagreements surfaced and our differences became more apparent, I began to see areas of potential breakdown. 

We discovered that we had very different coping mechanisms and conflict management styles, which often left our relationship strained and distant. During our long-distance dating, we had cold wars that lasted for days until we both calmed down and were ready to talk through our issues. In marriage, this dynamic initially continued, but over time we learnt to manage better, gradually reducing the length of our cold wars and learning to make repairs to hurt feelings much quicker. 

We realised that while we had our differences, we were not incapable of existing in harmony; instead, we had to learn how to create that harmony together. 

“When effort is intentionally sown, and couples commit to working through challenges together, they may find themselves more compatible than ever.” 

Valuable lessons learnt

Six years into our marriage, I’ve learned 3 valuable lessons that have helped keep our differences at bay:

1. Keep trying to be compatible

It takes two to sustain a marriage, and that requires effort from both sides.

Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., author of the internationally bestselling book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, describes it aptly:

“Having counselled for over 30 years, I am convinced that marital compatibility is a problem of gigantic proportions in most marriages. Couples are usually most compatible on the day of their marriage, and things go downhill from there. Why? Because, prior to marriage, they make a great effort to become compatible. They try to understand each other’s likes and dislikes and then try to accommodate those feelings. They are usually willing to change their behaviour to become more compatible.”

However, Dr. Harley highlights a sad and confronting truth:
“Most couples stop trying to be compatible as soon as they’re married.”

Incompatibility creeps in when spouses get overly comfortable with the marriage “status quo,” and the effort to maintain compatibility fades.

The good news is, the reverse is also true: when effort is intentionally sown, and couples commit to working through challenges together, they may find themselves more compatible than ever.

To foster compatibility, create specific habits that promote understanding and connection. For example, setting aside time for weekly check-ins with your spouse to share concerns, emotions, and aspirations in a calm, non-confrontational environment.

Shared activities, such as cooking together, going for a walk, or doing something your spouse enjoys, can help build rapport and remind you of the joy that brought you together. These small but intentional efforts go a long way in building trust and connection.   

“Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet. Instead, work together to find common ground with each other.”

2. Don’t allow incompatibility to become an excuse

The danger of allowing incompatibility to fester in a marriage is that it opens the door for separation or divorce to become attractive options. When life’s responsibilities weigh heavily, and both parties feel overwhelmed, the next option is to check out. 

At this stage, one spouse may start to feel neglected, which can lead to a vicious cycle – the more neglected one feels, the more neglectful one becomes. Eventually, you may forget what you once saw in your spouse. 

Whatever you cannot agree upon defines an area of incompatibility. Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet. Instead, work together to find common ground with each other, by going through the process of conflict resolution. Choose to fight for each other, not against. 

One practical way to “fight for each other, not against” is to reframe disagreements as opportunities to learn more about your spouse, rather than battles to win. Instead of viewing differences as points of irreconcilable conflict, approach them as areas to explore together, with empathy and curiosity.  

For instance, when a conflict arises, try to listen with the intent to understand rather than respond, and work towards solutions that benefit both parties. This mindset fosters mutual respect and shifts the focus from competition to collaboration.  

“Overcoming differences and cultivating oneness begins and is sustained with intentionality, and a great start looks like prioritising your marriage above other things.” 

3. Overcome incompatibility with intentionality

If you believe your marriage is worth it, be intentional in loving and pursuing your spouse—reminding each other, “You are worth my time, attention, and affection.” 

Overcoming differences and cultivating oneness begins and is sustained with intentionality, and a great start looks like prioritising your marriage above other things (including hobbies or work commitments) and going on regular dates to strengthen your bond.  

It may also entail forsaking independence (making decisions alone) to become interdependent and reliant on each other, even when it feels uncomfortable.   

Incompatibility isn’t a dead end, but rather an invitation to grow together. By continually choosing to prioritise love, effort, and mutual respect, couples can transform differences into strengths and build a lasting, harmonious marriage. 

Remember, in continually pursuing harmony and oneness in your marriage, you’re not just fighting for your marriage—you’re fighting for your family. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

Why I’m Not Fretting Over Finding a Spouse

Currently in my mid-twenties, it is not uncommon that I get asked the question, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “How’s your dating life? Any updates?” 

Four years ago, when my relationship status changed from attached to single, most people were gracious in giving me space to heal and recover. But with each year that has passed, I’ve noticed a growing curiosity about whether I was in a relationship – as if this was the life update that people were most interested in. 

I don’t blame my well-meaning friends who care about my love life and future, though. 

With the buzzwords in all my social circles being “BTO, proposal, engaged, reno, wedding, baby,” it seems like I am the one who is not part of “the norm,” and my singlehood, out of place. 

While some may offer attempts of consolation like how “26 is still young” and “there’s still time”, I would be lying if I said I’ve never been anxious about when I would meet that somebody, or whether I would even get married. 

It has been a journey of wading through the waters of discomfort and insecurity – an all-too-familiar pool that I still revisit every now and then. 

Yet there are also plenty of things I’ve grown to value and love about singlehood, and precious lessons and experiences I’ve collected along the way. 

Here’s a peek into my journey through singlehood. 

Knowing My Worth

I’ve struggled with being single because it feels like I am missing out on something. Sometimes it feels like my joys and experiences are less than that of those who are attached, and that I am not complete. 

This season of singlehood has also been filled with discoveries of the self, growing to be more certain about who I am, being comfortable in my own skin, and learning that I am already a whole person on my own. I’ve been more aware of my values, trigger points, what motivates me, and the things that are truly important to me. 

In the past year especially, I’ve been challenged to dig deeper into my identity. Different situations I faced left me close to crumbling – and I came to realise that I’ve anchored a huge part of my sense of worth in what I can or cannot do, my achievements, how I was doing in comparison to others, and how much I was accepted by those around me. 

But I saw that if I continue anchoring my identity in what is external and ever-changing, then I will be going through life with a fragile sense of self. 

Having a strong sense of who I am contributes to emotional stability, and self-awareness brings steadiness and clarity – traits that are important regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not. 

Though sometimes uncomfortable, I am enjoying the ride of self-discovery. 

Refining My Perspectives on Marriage

With no romantic feelings at play, singlehood is the perfect time to think through key questions like: 

  • What is the purpose of marriage? 
  • Why do I want to get married? 
  • What are the non-negotiables and key traits I want in a prospective spouse? 

As I ask myself these questions, read about the topic of marriage, and have conversations with others, I get a clearer picture of what marriage is, uncover my own motivations for marriage and sharpen my perspectives on family. 

If left unchecked, my desire for marriage can be driven by social pressure, fear of loneliness and even romantic ideals. 

But I think the value of marriage holds greater weight than simply meeting these desires, so clarifying my perspectives and motives has been needful for me. 

Finding Joy in Strong Relationships

Long conversations over dinner. New experiences in a foreign country. Friendships built upon shared interests and humour, made strong by sticking by each other through life’s storms and enjoying mountaintop moments together. 

I once heard that forming genuine friendships can be difficult in adulthood, but I am grateful that most of my experiences with friendships as a young adult have been positive. 

Friendships that have stood the test of time and other meaningful ones I’ve acquired in recent years have played such a huge role in providing a sense of belonging and in my experience of being known and loved. It’s also special when friends include me in their family life – with their spouses becoming my personal friends and getting to hang out with their little ones! 

There’s nothing quite like having my love tank filled through a weekend spent with people who feel like home. 

Loving What I Do, Doing What I Love

In addition to the meaningful relationships I have found in my communities, I derive much joy and purpose in the things I get to do. 

Working in the social service sector, I have the privilege of impacting families and youths – something I find fulfilling. Interacting with likeminded people has also been life-giving as we keep each other going while sowing into meaningful work. 

Outside of work, I’ve unearthed the treasures of running and working out at the gym. I love getting to challenge my limits, setting goals and working towards them. Fulfilment in fitness comes not just in personal progress and growth, but also in enjoying the journey with community! There is something special about sportsmanship and supporting each other to achieve greater things. 

Learning to Live at my Own Pace

For sure, there are days where I feel like I am missing out on something, getting left behind, and my chances of marriage are slipping away as quickly as time is; nights where I wonder if there is anything wrong with me and if I’m that undesirable. 

Even though I am not “progressing” through life like the rest of my peers, finding a spouse is not something I need to fret about because I know that my singlehood doesn’t make me any less than attached or married individuals. I still get to enjoy deep and meaningful relationships and experience life to the fullest. 

That said, I’ve also caught glimpses of the beauty marriage holds. And so, while I’m not fretting over it, marriage is something I still dream of, and meeting people is something I am opening myself up to. 

But whether I get married sometime in the future or marriage never becomes a reality for me, I want to remain content knowing that I am already a whole person who has a place in society, and who can still sow into Family. 

Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids

In a world where the sex and gender binary is being challenged and transgenderism is being presented as a cool fad on social media, parents may find themselves dumbfounded when encountering challenging questions from their children.   

What makes someone a male or female? How do I know if I’m not a female stuck in a male body? How do we start having these conversations with our kids? 

Amid the growing confusion about biology, sex and gender, it’s important to get the facts straight.  

Sex is binary, >99.98% of the time  

As far as biological sex goes, sex is binary and not a spectrum. Over 99.98% of people can be accurately categorised as male or female, based on their physiology, hormones and chromosomes.  

For most people, these three indicators are aligned, and sex is unambiguous. 

Indicators Male Female
Physiology
(reproductive organs, body shape, etc) 		Testes, penis, facial hair, more muscle mass, deeper voice pitch etc Ovaries, uterus, vagina, breasts, wider hips, more body fat, higher voice pitch etc
Hormones Much higher testosterone levels than females Much higher estrogen and progesterone levels than males
Genetics
(chromosomes) 		XYXX

Only in very rare cases is sex ambiguous, falling into the category of “intersex”. Some examples of these are people who present with both types of genitalia (but with all other indicators showing either male or female), males with very low levels of testosterone, or females who embody cells with XY chromosomes – but these are the exception rather than the norm. 

Maleness or femaleness is not limited to the reproductive organs — sex chromosomes are expressed in every single cell of our bodies — in other words, all cells have a sex. (See: Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?) 

In a biological sense, you are either male or female, for more than the vast majority of people. 

Understanding gender 

For a long time, people thought of “gender” as being synonymous with “sex”. However, over time, “gender” has evolved to be understood as a social and cultural construct. 

The World Health Organisation defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys” including “norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.” 

It is said that boys and girls are brought up within societal and cultural expectations according to their gender. Boys, who are seen as the protectors, are given guns and swords to play with while girls, who may later bear children and make a home, are made to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dolls. 

There are general masculine traits (males tend to be more risk-taking, dominant and aggressive, etc) versus feminine traits (females tend to be more nurturing, emotional and sensitive, etc). Studies show that these broad characteristics and behaviours of each gender may be fuelled by sex differences in the brain and genetic make-up.    

However, both males and females can display masculine as well as feminine traits to varying degrees. Each person has a unique personality and cannot be forced into a single mould.  

 Instead of categorising people according to gender stereotypes, which is not helpful, it is better to identify positive or negative traits. For example, decisive leadership is good for the thriving of society, but violence, bullying and harassment are not. Caring for others and fostering community through friendship is positive, but gossiping, being passive-aggressive and manipulative are not.  

 There is a growing narrative today that people can assume the gender they identify more with – who they “feel” they are – rather than who they actually are. However, as parents, we should ground our children in truth – which is not based on feelings but on reality.  

 When do we start these conversations?  

When speaking about complex issues with our children, it’s important to think about their age, maturity and ability to grasp such concepts.  

Preschool years (4-6 Years)

Around the preschool ages, we can talk about the differences between male and female bodies, for example during bath time.  

Children are naturally curious at a very young age and may have questions such as, “Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn’t, mummy?” To which we can answer, “Women have breasts and men do not. When women get pregnant and give birth, their breasts start to produce milk so that they can feed their babies.”  

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the lower primary schooling years of seven to nine, we should ideally begin to talk about sexual reproduction and how males and females complement each other in a healthy society. 

 

Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children. 

Tween years (10-12) 

More in-depth conversations regarding sex and gender can begin during the tween years when children start to have the maturity to grasp more difficult concepts and topics, using the pointers given above. 

Very often, it is an unexpected event that sparks these conversations and we are caught unaware. Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism, or peers may have talked about having pronouns at school. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children.  

Children are starting to explore questions on gender identity at a younger age, but it is unusual for them to be initiating such topics on their own, and is usually the result of social media or peer influence.  

It is important that we watch over our children’s media consumption, while ensuring that our attachment with our kids remains secure. This will help us retain our influence over our children.  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

True acceptance and affirmation  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

Accept and affirm them in their biological sex, gender and personality, instead of making them conform to stereotypes. There are sensitive boys who cry easily when hurt and girls with natural leadership gifts who like to take charge. Affirm them in their uniqueness: “You are a sensitive person who cares about others and helps people,” or “You are a strong leader.”  

Allow them to discover themselves through their interests — whether it be boys wanting to learn ballet or play with doll houses (who will hopefully grow to help with the domestic chores), or girls wanting to pursue archery or bodybuilding.  

Instead of thinking of gender as being on a spectrum, we can ponder how each person is unique and colourful in their combination of interests and personality.  

As parents who have cared and loved our children since they were born, we should be unashamed in affirming them, advocating for them and accepting them for who they are — male or female.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

7 Ways To Resolve Differences in Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful journey, but it also comes with its share of challenges. One of the most common struggles couples face is resolving their differences. These differences, stemming from unique backgrounds, personalities, and perspectives, often lead to disagreements.  

So, how can couples navigate these differences in a healthy and constructive way? To explore this, we turned to Madelin Tay, a licensed counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore, who shares 7 actionable tips:  

  1. Recognise that differences in marriage are inevitable   
  2. Approach differences with a growth mindset 
  3. Focus on finding common ground, rather than being defensive 
  4. Slow down conversations to improve understanding   
  5. Use time-outs effectively, but always follow with a time-in  
  6. Practice paraphrasing to ensure clear communication 
  7. Work on resolving differences  

1. Differences in marriage are inevitable

Differences in marriage are inevitable. As Madelin points out, “Conflicts often arise from habits of daily living, how couples manage finances, spend time together, and balance personal time.” Even small issues—like how to squeeze the toothpaste or whether to leave the toilet seat up or down—may trigger larger conflicts if left unresolved.  

Sexual intimacy is another common area where differences arise. Couples may have contrasting expectations about sex, adding strain to their relationship.  

While small habits may not push couples to seek counselling, Madelin notes that they are often “packed together with bigger issues” if couples eventually do go for counselling. 

“Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.” 

It’s easy to assume that differences in marriage are inherently problematic, but this isn’t always the case. According to Madelin, “Differences are present in every couple.”  

These contrasts, whether they appear as opposites (such as one spouse being a night owl and the other an early bird) or variations in degree (both spouses might be generous, but towards different causes), form part of the relationship dynamic.  

In fact, differences might have been part of what initially attracted you to your spouse. You might have been drawn to their outgoing nature or their ability to connect with people easily. However, over time, these same traits can become sources of frustration. As Madelin puts it, “What initially attracted you may later cause stress or annoyance, but it’s important to approach these differences with a mindset of growth and compromise.” 

“Both spouses may assume their way is the ‘right’ way… this protective mindset can hinder genuine listening and resolution.” 

2. Embracing differences for personal growth 

A key aspect of navigating differences is shifting your perspective. Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.  

“None of us are perfect,” Madelin reminds us. “When you meet someone who is different from you, it can be an opportunity for personal growth. Your spouse may bring new perspectives, and though they may grate on you at times, it’s also a chance for individual and mutual growth.” 

This mindset shift—moving from seeing differences as challenges to viewing them as opportunities for growth—can help couples persevere through difficult conflicts, with the hope that they will emerge stronger as a couple as they work through these differences.  

3. Finding common ground 

A common pitfall in marriage is the desire to protect or defend your way of doing things. “A lot of times when couples talk about their differences, both spouses may assume their way is the ‘right’ way,” says Madelin. This protective mindset can hinder genuine listening and resolution. 

Instead, couples should strive to listen with an open mind and focus on finding common ground. Madelin shares an example of a couple who both enjoyed helping others but disagreed on which groups to support. “It’s not that they were totally different,” she explains. “Their intent was the same, but the expression of that intent looked different.” Recognising that the core values are aligned, even when the expressions differ, is key to resolving conflicts.   

“Slowing down and paraphrasing each other’s points ensures that both spouses feel heard and prevents reactive comments that can escalate the conflict.” 

4. The importance of slowing down

Effective communication is essential in reconciling differences. “How a couple unwinds, how often they visit family, or when to pay bills—these are just some examples of how differences show up in daily life,” says Madelin. Each spouse often has good intentions, but the way they express their needs or preferences might differ, leading to misunderstandings. 

Madelin emphasises the importance of slowing down conversations, especially when emotions are running high. “Sometimes, it’s how fast things fire out that causes harm,” she explains. Slowing down and paraphrasing each other’s points ensures that both spouses feel heard and prevents reactive comments that can escalate the conflict. This technique helps couples clarify their perspectives and move toward resolution more calmly. 

5. Using time-outs effectively 

In the heat of the moment, emotions can take over, making productive communication difficult. This is where a “time-out” can be invaluable.  

 “When things are heated, and you feel like you’re just rambling and not being heard, it’s time to take a time-out,” advises Madelin. The purpose of a time-out is to prevent hurtful words from being said in the heat of anger, which can have long-lasting impacts. 

However, Madelin cautions that a time-out should not be seen as running away from the issue. “A time-out is not about withdrawal. It’s about calming down so that you can think clearly and reengage with the issue constructively.” Couples should discuss in advance what a time-out looks like for them—whether it’s a brief break of one or two hours or a scheduled conversation at a more relaxed time, such as the weekend. 

Madelin also stresses the importance of a “time-in” after the time-out. “A time-out without a time-in is not effective,” she says. Couples should make sure to follow up after calming down to discuss the issue in a productive way. 

6. Paraphrasing for better understanding 

When it’s time to re-engage after a conflict, one of the most effective communication tools is paraphrasing. This technique allows couples to ensure they’re truly understanding each other.  

“When one spouse is speaking, the other should paraphrase what they’re hearing,” Madelin advises. “It slows down the conversation, which is exactly what we need sometimes to avoid saying things that are hurtful.” 

For example, if one spouse expresses frustration, the other might say, “What I’m hearing is that you’re upset because you feel I’m not contributing enough to household chores. Is that correct?” This allows for clarification before things escalate and helps both spouses feel heard and validated. 

7. The reward of effectively resolving differences

Ultimately, the goal of resolving differences in marriage is to rebuild connection and strengthen the relationship. By listening actively, paraphrasing, and embracing differences as opportunities for growth, couples can create a stronger bond. 

Madelin encourages couples to view their differences not as insurmountable obstacles, but as a natural part of the marriage journey. With the right mindset and communication tools, these differences can be bridges that bring couples closer, rather than barriers that drive them apart. 

In conclusion, learning to reconcile differences in marriage requires patience, communication, and a willingness to grow together. As Madelin wisely reminds us, “It’s not about being perfect or always agreeing. It’s about learning, growing, and finding common ground, even when it feels difficult.” 

How to Not Let Stress and Anxiety Get the Better of You

Stress and anxiety affect people of all ages. While for some, stress works as a form of motivation, others find it overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. In today’s fast-paced world, managing both stress and anxiety is a crucial skill.

Though often confused, stress and anxiety aren’t the same. According to Focus on the Family Singapore’s counsellor Samantha Cheng, stress is a natural bodily response that triggers physical reactions like a racing heart, dry mouth, and stomach aches. Even animals experience stress.

Anxiety can take different forms, such as panic attacks, social anxiety, or phobias.

What can we do when faced with stress and anxiety? Here are some practical tips to manage stress and anxiety with effective tips, exercises, and strategies for both adults and children.

“Asking yourself, ‘Why am I stressed?’ can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.”

How to acknowledge and manage stress effectively 

Samantha explains that when managed well, stress can improve brain function—boosting memory, attention, and processing speed. “First, acknowledge your stress,” says Samantha. “Then, notice what’s causing it.”

Simply repeating how stressed you feel without figuring out the reason won’t help. Asking yourself, Why am I stressed? can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.

For instance, if you’re nervous about a meeting with your boss, ask yourself, What do I care about here? Maybe it’s a promotion or concern over how you’re viewed. Once you identify your concern, take action. Talk to your boss, get feedback, and focus on working toward your goals, instead of letting stress control you.

“Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.”

Transforming stress into growth

By changing how you think about stress, you can use it as a tool for growth. Samantha calls this “stress-related growth,” which can build mental toughness, encourage new perspectives, and give us a clearer sense of priorities.

“When we’re stressed, our focus sharpens,” she explains. “That’s nature helping us focus on what’s important.” Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.

These stressful moments can also show you what really matters in life. They can lead to a greater appreciation of life and a deeper sense of purpose. This skill is valuable not only for you but also for teaching children how to grow through stress.

Helping children manage stress

Teaching your child to recognise stress—like butterflies in their stomach, fear, or avoidance—is the first step. Equip them with simple strategies to manage stress, so they can face challenges confidently.

Here are some techniques that both children and adults can use:

1. Physiological sighs
Take two breaths through your nose—the first filling your lungs and the second a quick shallow breath. Then exhale slowly through your mouth. This calms the nervous system and helps you feel more relaxed.

2. Muscle relaxation exercises
Tense your muscles, then relax them. Start with areas where stress tends to build up, like your shoulders. This releases the physical tension caused by stress.

3. Positive affirmations
Repeating a helpful phrase can ground you during stressful times. For children, something simple like “I can do this” can work. Adults might say, “I’ve faced this before and I can do it again.” Choose a phrase that inspires you and is easy to remember.

4. Anchoring objects
Use a small, familiar item, like a favourite sticker on a pencil case or a small family photo, to remind you of your positive affirmation. Each time you see the object, let it bring you back to a calm state of mind.

Integrating stress management into your daily life

Incorporate these stress-management techniques into your daily activities—whether at work, school, or during interactions with others. Share how you use these techniques with your child. It normalises stress management and models healthy coping strategies.

Sometimes, stress can become overwhelming, and seeking professional help is the best option. No one should face stress and anxiety alone, and there’s always support available. 

With these simple strategies, both adults and children can better manage their stress and anxiety, leading to a more resilient and balanced life. 

How to Develop Effective Study Strategies for Exams

Exam preparation season can feel like a dreaded yet necessary rite of passage that most Singaporean families are familiar with. During these periods, we hunker down together with our children, armed with a trove of assessment books, notes, and materials, hoping to support them well for “battle.”  

As I write this, my child has just finished the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) oral exam. Even though this is our fourth PSLE as a family (with two more to go!), I’d be wrong if I said that there’s no pressure—there still is! 

While preparing for year-end exams or the PSLE can be stressful for both students and parents, the right approach can make it a manageable and even rewarding experience. Here are some strategies we’ve picked up along the way that could be helpful for fellow parents on the same journey.

1. Set up a study timetable  

The first step in effective exam preparation is creating a realistic study timetable that balances academic goals with personal time. Work with your child to identify key subjects that need more focus and allocate specific times each day for study or revision sessions. Be sure to include breaks and downtime to prevent burnout. 

At home, we sometimes use the Pomodoro Technique, a time management method where you do focused work during 25-minute intervals—known as Pomodoros—and take a five-minute break. This technique is particularly effective for children who need to build stamina and avoid mental fatigue during long study sessions. 

Parents can further support their children by setting up a conducive study environment, free from distractions, and providing necessary resources or practice papers. Having a timetable helps develop discipline and accountability, while regular check-ins allow for adjustments to keep their study plan on track. 

Making personalised notes or creating mind maps is far more beneficial than simply receiving a stack of notes. 

2. Practise active learning techniques

A crucial aspect of a successful study strategy is practicing active learning techniques. Instead of just reading or memorising textbooks, students should engage in activities that reinforce their learning. This could include doing practice papers, teaching a concept to a family member, or processing their learning through mind maps. 

I believe that making personalised notes or creating mind maps is far more beneficial than simply receiving a stack of notes from an older sibling or schoolmate. Mind maps are excellent for independent learning, breaking down complex concepts, and boosting creativity and productivity. My children have found this technique particularly useful.  

My older daughter, who’s now in tertiary education, still enjoys filling notebooks with her own notes for content-heavy subjects. These notes help her visualise and create strong associations between ideas, promoting better retention of information. She even prefers referring to her own notes over textbooks! 

3. Divide and conquer with bite–sized practice  

When a subject is challenging, breaking the work into manageable parts can improve focus and minimise distractions. The key is to take small, achievable steps rather than becoming overwhelmed by what your child doesn’t know. 

For example, if your child struggles with vocabulary, they could revise and remember a few English words each day, gradually incorporating these into their compositions. A fun alternative would be to create opportunities at the dinner table for them to attempt using these words in a sentence. Reassure them that every small effort counts toward progress. 

For my daughter, who finds the longer 3-5 mark questions in Math papers daunting, we tackle practice papers in bite-sized portions. We break the paper into shorter sections, such as 10 questions per section, and time her to complete each section independently, for example, in 30 minutes. This approach helps her stay focused without feeling overwhelmed, while also building her stamina for longer sessions. We have found this method particularly helpful in boosting her morale and confidence over time.  

Corrections shouldn’t just be about copying down the right answer; the goal is to anchor the thought processes needed to solve questions independently. 

4. Back to basics 

For children still struggling to pass a subject, revisiting foundational knowledge is crucial. Focus on gaining competency in basic areas before moving on to more complex topics. For instance, mastering Paper 1 in Math or Science—which tends to cover fundamental concepts—can be a more achievable target before tackling the more demanding Paper 2 questions. 

Emphasise the importance of doing corrections properly. Corrections shouldn’t just be about copying down the right answer; the goal is to anchor the thought processes needed to solve questions independently. Understanding why a mistake was made, rather than simply studying the correct answer, is key to developing a stable foundation for future learning. 

Helping our children master the fundamentals and understanding why they made a mistake, will go a long way in helping them develop a stable base for secondary education when they eventually make the transition. 

5. Care for the whole child 

Amidst academic preparation, we must never underestimate the importance of caring for our children’s mental and emotional well-being. If they are feeling stressed or anxious, it’s unlikely they will perform well academically. 

Make time for regular check-ins with your child, assuring them that they are more than their grades. Ensure they get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, and engage in regular physical activity, as these factors greatly impact concentration, memory retention, and overall performance. A positive mindset, supported by a healthy lifestyle, can significantly improve your child’s ability to handle exam stress. 

 Finally, foster a supportive and encouraging home environment. Celebrate small achievements and progress to keep motivation levels high. Instead of putting undue pressure on achieving good scores, focus on effort and improvement. By working together as a family, our children can approach their PSLE with confidence and resilience, knowing they have the full support of their loved ones. 

Why does My Friend have Two Mums?

Primary years (7-9)
Tween years (10-12) 

If you have not already done so, explain to your child how babies are made. Help your child understand that this means that every child has one mother and one father who conceived them.  

In some cases, however, the biological mummy or daddy is unable to take care of them, and thus some children are cared for by other caring, trusted adults for example adoptive or foster parents who can love the children as if they were their own.  

There are also cases where the mummy or daddy does not want to form a family or stay together as a family, such as in the case of a divorce. In some cases, they move on to create a new family unit consisting of other people, such that there is now more than one mummy or daddy.   

Come to a consensus with your spouse on your family’s stand and opinions on these alternative family structures, so that you can explain to your child your values in a calm and thoughtful way. Regardless, assure them of your love as their parent and of the stability of your relationship with your spouse. 

What could be the effects on children growing up in such families, and how do they impact the community around us? 

Teen years (13-15) 
Emerging years (16-19) 

Children at this age are likely to have been exposed to ideas and arguments for alternative family structures that may consist of only one or neither of the child’s biological dad or mum.  

Explain that there are people who experience feelings of attraction toward someone of the same sex. This is what is commonly called sexual orientation. Some people may then choose as adults to form a family unit consisting only of one or none of the child’s biological mother or father.  

As they grow, your teens may be increasingly clued in about different forms of sexual attraction and may have their own opinions about each one of them. Discover what they think by continuing the conversations about sex and sexuality.  

Explain to them the difference between biological sex, gender identity and sexual attraction. Our biological sex is determined by the sex chromosomes in our body and should correspond with our gender identity and sexual attraction. A minority, however, might experience an incongruence between their biological sex and gender identity, and/or sexual orientation. These incongruences sometimes cause them to adjust their lives in a way that does not align to their biological sex, leading them to form family structures that are different. 

Come to an agreement with your spouse on what your family’s stand and opinions are on these alternative family forms. Explain them to your child in a calm and thoughtful way, and invite their feedback on what they think about families with different values and ideals. Answer any questions they might have honestly, including admitting if you lack the necessary information and offering to learn together with them about such complex issues.

If an alternative sexual lifestyle or family structure is shown on a movie you are watching together, use that to start on a conversation on whether they noticed and what they thought about it. Listen calmly without judgment. Teenagers can sometimes rely more on their emotional brain, and carry a great sense of social justice.  

Affirm your child for their desire to make a difference in the world, and their passion for wanting to right any wrongs. Listen to their thoughts and be curious about why they think the way they do. Discuss with them the impact of such alternative family structures – what could be the effects on children growing up in such a family environment? Are there implications on the wider community that we should also consider?

Teach your children how to have rational and respectful conversations about such issues with their friends or on the internet, how to express their opinions clearly, and what to do when people do not respond kindly or respectfully to their views.  

These may be difficult conversations to have because the issues are complex, but emphasise the principle that we always treat people with respect and kindness regardless of whether we agree with them. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Navigating Touchy Relationships with Parents and In-Laws

“What do you mean you will no longer be coming back for Sunday dinners? Does that mean you don’t care for the family anymore? Marriage doesn’t mean you walk out on your family you know?! After all I’ve done to bring you up, is this how you treat me? You’re so ungrateful!” 

Outbursts. 

We are all familiar with them, especially with our loved ones, like our family and close friends. It is uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of an outburst, and even more embarrassing to be the one experiencing it. 

An outburst is a cry to be heard. Beyond the harsh words uttered, it’s a cry for help that reveals an unmet need. However, understanding this doesn’t erase the hurt we experience. 

How can we respond to an outburst with compassion, tact, and curiosity, while still addressing the pain we feel? How can we reframe an outburst from a loved one as an opportunity for relational growth, instead of a moment of deep disconnection? 

Here are some steps I’ve learned to take, which are especially relevant for those about to get married or newlyweds navigating parental expectations, perhaps even with your new in-laws. 

An outburst is a cry for help that reveals an unmet need. 

1. Take a timeout and walk away 

Continuing from the example above, I was in shock after the outburst from my mother. I didn’t mean to hurt her with my comment, but its effect on her had already been felt. I now had two options:

1. React to her comments with an equal or greater degree of anger and unkindness. Scream horrible names and insults before storming out of the house. In a final attempt at self-defence, resolve in my heart never to speak with her again. 

2. Take authority over my emotions, walk away from the heated situation to give myself a breather, and avoid retorting with something mean and hurtful which I’d regret later. 

I chose the latter option and informed her that I needed some time alone before I could speak to her again. 

Take authority over my emotions, and walk away from the heated situation to give myself a breather. 

2. Get curious about my own internal state 

Once I had taken a step back, it was time to get curious about what was happening to me internally. 

Over the next two days, I journaled down my thoughts and feelings: 

1. I felt shock, shame, anger and embarrassment by my mother’s reaction and comments. Her words really stung, and I felt unsafe with her. I required some distance and space from her. 

2. I felt that I had failed to meet my mother’s expectation, even though I deeply desired to love her and meet her needs. That made me sad. 

3. It’s not that I don’t care for her or the family anymore, but I would love to set a new rhythm and routine for my emerging family. That takes time, and I can’t commit to our usual weekly Sunday dinner routine, at least not in the initial months of my new marriage. 

4. I felt sad and heartbroken that my mother wasn’t able to see my intentions. I wondered what she was thinking and feeling in that moment of her outburst. 

I then took time to process and share my pain with a trusted friend, and with my then fiancée. This process of catharsis helped me to gain a greater sense of confidence to approach my mother again.  

Empathy allows us to treat others with care and tenderness even when we feel hurt and unjustly treated by them. 

3. Get curious about your loved one’s internal state 

Once I’m more settled and calm, it’s time to get curious about what my mother was really trying to say beneath her initial outburst of displeasure. 

This is the practice of empathy, which is defined as the ability to perceive another’s needs, desires, and pain. Empathy allows us to treat others with care and tenderness even when we feel hurt and unjustly treated by them. 

I asked myself these questions: 

1. What was she really trying to communicate beneath her hurtful comments? 

2. What does she need from me as I transition into marriage and leave the family? 

3. What is she experiencing emotionally and mentally, as she prepares for my departure and absence? 

4. How can I work to meet her needs, while not sacrificing my own needs and desires in the process? 

As I attempted to empathise with my mother, I figured that she was probably struggling with a level of separation anxiety, as she anticipated my departure from the family home. Being the first child to get married, it’s likely her first time experiencing such an intense emotion, and perhaps she didn’t quite know how to communicate her underlying feelings of sadness to me. She possibly didn’t know how to tell me that she’d miss me after I leave. 

4. Pursue healthy confrontation, using assertive communication 

It’s not easy to restrain oneself from reacting to another’s outburst, especially in the immediate moment when we feel hurt, shocked, and disrespected. While I couldn’t control what my mother said or did, I sure could control how I responded to her. 

I resolved in my heart that I wanted to respond with sensitivity, compassion, and respect. I wanted to practise assertive, healthy communication while also expressing my empathy for her.  

While I felt uncertain about her response, I knew this relationship was important to me. Therefore, I was willing to pursue the uncomfortable but necessary confrontation.  

At the point of writing, I have yet to communicate this to my mother. But this is what I hope to share with her eventually: 

“Hey mum, I was really hurt a few days ago by the remarks you made when I shared with you about my plan to no longer have weekly family dinners with the family. I’m sorry this is so difficult for you, and I can imagine how sad and hurt you must be feeling as you anticipate my absence from a routine we’ve been having as a family since I was a child. I know you love me a lot, and you will miss me once I leave, and I am sorry you have to go through this pain. While this doesn’t change my decision, I want you to know that I still do care for the family. Can we talk about how this care may look different once I am married?” 

 Part of the hard work of managing conflicts is to learn that we cannot control the outcome of a healthy confrontation. 

5. Release the outcome and future of the relationship 

As I prepared to address the earlier incident with her, I learned to let go of the expectation that she would understand and receive my intentions for resolution. Part of the hard work of managing conflicts is to learn that we cannot control the outcome of a healthy confrontation; we can really only choose to practice healthy, assertive communication, and invite the other person to do likewise. But it’s still a risk, and there’s no guarantee they would reciprocate our intentions. 

It takes mutual respect, commitment, and trust for a healthy relationship to exist between two persons. Our responsibility is simply to do all we can to bridge the gap between their needs, and ours. 

While I can hope for a thriving and satisfying relationship with my mother post-marriage, I know it’s not possible without healthy conflict management from both sides. Relational maturity happens when I recognise my responsibility to build my side of the bridge (not more, not less), and keep the channels of communication open, while releasing the need to control the other person. 

Relational patch-ups are messy, and takes hard work from both sides. But the possibility of restoration and growth is worth it!  

 The next time you experience a loved one’s outburst, may you find the courage to take a timeout, get curious about your internal state and theirs, and pursue a healthy confrontation with them after. Whatever the response of your loved one, may you rest in the knowledge that you’ve done your part to mend the relationship.  

 *Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved. These 5 general steps can be applied in other contexts– whether with our spouses, significant other, or children, albeit it may look slightly different in each case.  

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!