Resource Type: Articles

Should I Allow My Child Privacy on Devices?

“I’m really worried about my daughter. I don’t know who she’s talking to, and now she’s even bringing her boyfriend into our house when I’m not at home. I didn’t know giving her privacy on her phone would result in this.”

I could see how distraught Amy was at her 16-year-old daughter Betty’s behaviour over the past few months.

Wanting to offer her sound advice, I turned to Chong Ee Jay, a Family Life Educator with Focus on the Family Singapore.

Balancing a child’s autonomy and his privacy can be a challenge, but here are some helpful guidelines.

If your child is 12 and under 

“The device should be seen as a loan instead of belonging completely to your child. And you should have full view of your child’s usage on the device.”

Ee Jay shares that it is typically not recommended to give kids aged 12 and under a device.

Of course, you might argue that schools these days require the use of technology for education. But your child needs to understand that the device is for the purpose of communication and studies, and not entertainment.

For example, one helpful way is to set up parental controls on the device you give to them, especially for entertainment apps such as games, YouTube, and the Internet browser.

This way, if the child wants to access these apps, they will need to ask you for access.

Ee Jay elaborates, “Access to entertainment apps should be given only with your permission. The device given to your child should be seen as a loan instead of belonging completely to your child. And you should have full view of your child’s usage on the device.”

With your child’s mind still developing, it is critical that we take active efforts to curb device use. “The online space is filled with a mix of good and bad content, and your child does not yet have the maturity and knowledge to keep themselves safe.”

This is reinforced through global guidelines. We see that almost all online activities and platforms do not allow users below 13 to set up an account.

Another way is to learn from the technology entrepreneurs who invented these devices.

In late 2010, Steve Jobs revealed to New York Times journalist Nick Bilton that his children had never used the iPad.

Jobs explained, “We limit how much technology our kids use in the home.”

Chris Anderson, the former editor of Wired, enforced strict time limits on every device in his home, and refused to allow his children to use screens in their bedrooms.

But what happens when the child grows older? Are such limits still necessary?

If your child is above 13

Ee Jay explains that in an ideal world, we would hope that a child’s maturity linearly equates to their age and we can therefore give them more autonomy as they grow. But reality is often not as neat and tidy.

“Greater autonomy on devices is given upon considering child’s age and maturity and when they have demonstrated responsible behaviour.”

He encourages parents to consider the first ownership of a device as a rite of passage.

For example, when a child turns 13, a device is often needed for the purpose of communication on school-related matters, especially on WhatsApp. Class chat groups, CCA chat groups, and social connection with peers on social media platforms are typical examples. Personal learning devices are also purchased for use in most schools during Secondary 1.

Treating it as a rite of passage means there needs to be conversations on rules, expectations, and consequences of flouting the rules.

It may be helpful to draft a contract containing these elements:

  1. Rules around phone usage
  2. How often, and when the phone can be used
  3. When the phone cannot be used
  4. Consequences if these rules are broken
  5. Why these rules are set
  6. Privacy

 

“Explaining why is important. We can say, ‘If we wish to access your phone, we will let you know. We do this because we want to ensure your safety.’”

It is not recommended for the child to be given full privacy at the beginning.

Explaining why is important; we can say something as simple as, “We respect your privacy and will not invade your privacy without your knowledge. For example, if we wish to access your phone, we will let you know. We do this because we want to ensure your safety.”

The degree of privacy given is dependent on your child’s maturity and track record of responsible usage.

We should also emphasise that the device is a privilege that can be removed if rules are flouted. 

Engage in regular conversations

When Amy began imposing limits on Betty’s phone usage, such as by refusing to pay for her data plan, Betty struck back with a vengeance. She refused to talk to her mother for days. When Amy asked Betty something, Betty would just stare at her.

Imposing limits didn’t seem to work that easily.

Ee Jay recommends a different approach. He says, “We need to engage in ongoing conversations with them to better understand what is driving their needs for devices and for privacy.

“Do they experience a strong need to connect with their peers online? Are there things that the child is trying to hide from his parents due to its inappropriate nature? Reprimanding or giving a straight “No!” response tends to shut the door for future conversations.”

He recommends 4 simple steps:

  1. Be curious to hear from them
  2. Probe deeper into the issue through asking more questions
  3. Take an empathetic approach to demonstrate that you care for your child’s wellbeing
  4. Seize the opportunity to share with them your concerns too.

Keep building trust

We’ve all heard how important it is to connect with our children. But as parents, it’s often hard to do because we have different commitments to juggle.

Remember that trust is a bank that needs to be deposited slowly through quality time, conversation, and love.

So even as we push our children out to spread their wings, there are times when we need to pull them close by setting limits on how much privacy they can have.

Balancing supervision and autonomy when it comes to devices is tricky. But ultimately, remembering why you do it will make the tension easier to navigate.

For privacy reasons, pseudonyms have been used in this article. 

What Does It Take for a Successful Transition To Secondary School?

Every December, parents and children await in anticipation for the release of the results of their secondary school posting exercise.  

Many would hope to gain entry into their first school of choice and hold firm to the perception that a “good” Secondary School, which most equate to a brand-name school, would be the ticket to a successful life in the future. But what if success in life is not measured by the academic grades you get in school or the school you go to?  

The Business Insider reproduced a postcard that one CEO sent to another CEO, and this postcard listed out 16 major differences between successful and unsuccessful people. Essentially, successful people tend to be happy, confident and secure; they know what they want in life and know how to relate with people; and they do not necessarily have a good academic degree. 

How then can we help our kids grow to become happy, confident and secure individuals? How do we empower them to discover what they want in life? And how do they build the confidence needed to effectively relate with others? 

The solution is to build a healthy sense of self; what in psychology is described as a healthy “self-concept”. Psychologist Carl Rogers describes the “ideal self” as the person you want to be, while “self-image” refers to how you see yourself at a particular moment in time. Both these ideas are important in understanding how to build a healthy sense of self, which constitutes our self-concept. 

Counsellor Maurice Wagner, in his book The Sensation of Being Somebody, describes a functional approach in understanding self-concept, which comprises the aspects of appearance, performance and status. I will first elaborate on how each of these three areas define who we are, and how it affects our perception of who we are. Thereafter, I will also share some practical skills our children need for a successful secondary school experience. 

Appearance – How do I look?

This refers to how we believe we are perceived by others. How we appear to others affects their view of us, which either reinforces or erodes our self-concept. 

Some of my clients have issues with communication. One of them, then 19 years old, had major problems whenever he was involved in project work. His group mates often told him that they couldn’t understand why he was always insisting on doing things his own way. As a result, they often left him out of meetings and he developed a poor image of himself. 

Performance – How am I doing?

This relates to our abilities, skills, knowledge and sense of responsibility. The quality of our performance is always on our minds, even if we are unaware of it.   I often teach my clients about negative automatic thoughts, and how many people are caught in the performance trap. They have the mindset that if they do not get an “A” grade for their studies, they are a failure in life. This translates to a low sense of self.  

Practical Skills for A Successful Transition

As we examine the aspects that make up self-concept, it is evident that grades alone are not an effective measure of success. We need to build our children’s self-concept by helping them gain a more accurate understanding of who they are, and what they’re good at.   We also need to equip them with practical skills for the new chapter ahead. 

Encourage your child to be patient with themselves and to share their struggles with you. 

Here are 5 practical skills that will help them build a healthy sense of self and adjust well to a new school environment: 

  • Patience and perseverance 

Adjusting to a new school environment – with unfamiliar faces, increased academic load, and a different teaching style, can be challenging for many students. Encourage your child to be patient with themselves and to share their struggles with you. 

  • Good time management skills  

Secondary school often requires kids to juggle multiple commitments, such as homework, co-curricular activities, and social life. Help your child prioritise important tasks and to be track of their progress, so that they can avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

  • Organisation skills  

Secondary school classes may move at a faster pace than primary school classes. Students will need to be able to stay organised by taking good notes, keeping track of assignments, and using their time effectively.  

  • Effective study habits  

Studying for longer periods of time doesn’t necessarily mean studying more effectively. Students will need to develop good study habits, such as minimising distractions, creating a dedicated study space, and breaking down large projects into smaller tasks. 

  • A growth mindset  

Instil in your child the belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through effort and learning. Students with a growth mindset are more likely to embrace challenges, see mistakes as opportunities to learn, and persist in the face of setbacks. 

Even the wrong turns and side roads have meaning and purpose, if only to teach us which way the path to oneself does not lie.  

– Trauma Specialist, Gabor Mate 

While the leap from primary to secondary school can feel like scaling a mountain, remember, you and your child are not alone. With your support and continued sowing into your child’s sense of self, your child will embrace the journey with a growth mindset, and learn to tackle challenges head-on.  

 © 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Signs of an Emotional Affair and how to Avoid one

Jack awoke to the sound of his phone’s alarm. Feeling lethargic because he did not get a restful sleep due to the built-up stress of overseeing an important work project, he decided to hit the snooze button.  

As he reached for his smartphone, the thought of Jenner put a big smile on his face. He has been working together with Jenner on a company project. Jenner often has a kind word for everyone on the team, especially Jack, plus she has a knack for reframing problems, which has helped Jack tremendously.  

Jack has often experienced fuzzy-wuzzy feelings whenever he was in Jenner’s company, a special warmth that he could not find in his marriage of 6 years. 

Soon, Jack and Jenner find themselves spending more time together over work lunches and dinners without the other team members; their conversations have become more personal too. A team member even commented that Jack’s relationship with Jenner seems too close for comfort but Jack instantly laughed it off saying they were “just friends”. 

Is there anything wrong with the relationship between Jack and Jenner? Are both “just friends” or are they sliding into an emotional affair? 

The truth is, whether you are happy, fulfilled, or dissatisfied in your marriage, nobody is exempt from having an emotional affair. 

It is not uncommon for a married person to be involved in an emotional affair without realising it. Here are some warning signs to look out for.

What is an emotional affair? 

An emotional affair involves having non-sexual intimacy with someone who is not the individual’s romantic partner. It often starts innocently as a friendship or working relationship.  But if a person intentionally or unintentionally invests emotional energy and time in a friendship outside of their marriage, a deeper attachment is formed.  

Some believe that such a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex is harmless because there is no sexual intimacy involved. However, the deep bond shared outside of marriage can seriously threaten the person’s intimacy with their spouse.  

Emotional cheating can act as a gateway to a full-blown sexual affair. For many, the most hurtful part of a spouse’s emotional infidelity is the sense of being betrayed.  

What are the tell-tale signs of emotional affair?

In his book Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship, author Gary Neuman shared the following warning signs of emotional cheating: 

  • Anticipating alone time or communication with your friend 
  • Beliefs that your friend understands you better than your spouse 
  • Decreasing time with your spouse 
  • Giving your friend personal gifts 
  • Keeping your friendship a secret 
  • Lack of interest in intimacy with your spouse 
  • Preoccupation or daydreams about your friend 
  • Sharing thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse 
  • Responding to confrontation about the emotional cheating with, “We’re just friends.” 
  • Withdrawing from your spouse 

Frequent contact makes it possible for intimacy to develop. 

In today’s connected world, and with advanced technology like the internet, it has never been easier to meet, interact, and bond with others.  

At work, we are often required to interact with members of the opposite sex and exhorted to cultivate good working relationships to complete a project or to achieve the organisation’s goals. 

Frequent contact makes it possible for intimacy to develop. This is where we need to be honest with ourselves: If you begin to feel more excited about seeing your colleague than going home and spending time with your spouse, then you’re likely treading on dangerous ground.  

Protecting your marriage  

No marriage is affair-proof. It is possible to get involved in an emotional affair if we allow our marriage to slide or to remain stagnant.  

But there are several ways we can protect our marriage from such temptations: 

1. Commit to your spouse. It has been said that while compatibility brings a couple together, commitment enables a couple to “stick” together. Indeed, commitment is the glue that holds the relationship in good and bad times.  

 Tip: Put a photo of your spouse or your family on the home screen of your digital devices to remind you of your commitment to stay faithful.  

 2. Shower your marriage with tender loving care (TLC). Prioritise your marriage, make time, and put in effort to meet each other’s important needs.  

 Tip: Do a 30-day Marriage TLC challenge. Do one simple gesture or kind act daily to strengthen the relationship OR take the “5 love languages” quiz if you are unsure how your spouse wants to be loved. And love him/her according to his/her love language. 

3. Control your social media environment. The images we look at, the information we receive, the people we follow, and the posts we like/comment can influence us, for good or for worse, and in more ways than we care to admit.   

Tip: Declutter your social media platforms. Delete apps or websites that do not add value to your marriage or unfollow someone who is taking too much of your head space.  

 4. Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. Keep phone messages and conversations business-like. Avoid sharing innermost thoughts or feelings that should be reserved for your spouse only.  

Tip: When someone shares (intimate) personal information that is too close for your comfort, graciously end the conversation.  

 5. Be honest with yourself  

If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it to yourself. If you receive feedback from colleagues or family that your friendship with the opposite sex is “crossing the line”, do not be too quick to rationalise by saying “we are just friends”. Instead, ask yourself tough questions about the friendship to determine if you are walking down a slippery slope.  Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into an affair. 

 6. Choose to work through marriage issues with a therapist. If you are struggling with issues in your marriage, instead of confiding and seeking support from an opposite-sex colleague or friend, consider seeking professional help. 

 It is not uncommon for a married person to be involved in an emotional affair without realising it. Emotional affairs can inflict as much pain and hurt to a couple and do damage to a marriage as sexual ones. Watch out for red flags and find ways to safeguard your marriage from deception and temptations. 

What is one thing you can do to protect your marriage? 

How Play can Improve Your Parenting

The Cambridge Dictionary says, “When you play, especially as a child, you spend time doing an enjoyable and/or entertaining activity.”

In recent times, the concept of play has been further incorporated into classrooms and at home. It is no longer a stand-alone activity that children do, but is also a means to help them learn and connect. There is just something about play that helps children see learning and relationships in a different way.

Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play.

There are many benefits that play can bring, especially to young children whose minds are developing rapidly:

1. Play strengthens relationships

Play creates special opportunities for bonding between children and their parents. Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play because this is when they see their parents coming into their world.  

Such interactions create positive experiences that stimulate their brain. When we spend time playing regularly with our children, we will likely find that we are able to understand our children’s personality and thinking better. 

2. Play promotes impulse control and emotional regulation

Children who engage in pretend or imaginative play with their parents are better at self-regulation and emotional regulation. Play provides opportunities for children to learn essential skills such as turn-taking, resisting temptation to grab objects from others and persisting through difficult activities. It also helps children express and manage their negative emotions better.  

These are important skills for school readiness and their psychosocial development. Moreover, when children are more adept at self-regulation, it makes parenting less challenging! 

The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage our children in play.

3. Play improves communication and language

Children acquire language best through play, especially pretend play. They pick up and practise new words, learn to reciprocate each other’s actions and words and understand how communication works. Children who are regularly engaged in play have stronger communication skills as they grow, and can read and write better. 

In the early years, the communication muscle grows in children as they seek to express their needs and wants. The better they are at communicating, the more we can understand them and guide their thinking. 

While the benefits of play are apparent, engaging children in play is not as easy. The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage them in play that requires emotional and mental involvement.  

One possible way is to agree on a timeframe where we will give full attention to our children, and then leave them to play on their own after that. This gives children the assurance that their Dad and Mum still love to play with them, but also teaches them that their parents need a break as well. 

Here are some quick and fun activities that we can engage our children with, even after a long day.

Vertical Bowling

(Image: New Horizon Academy)

Stack paper or plastic cups into the shape of a pyramid on the floor, and using any ball you can find, roll it towards the stack of cups. The aim is to knock off as many cups as possible. Children are fascinated by how the ball can knock down this tall tower of cups and will strive to conquer them all. This is a low-prep game that brings about lots of excitement and fun in the home.

Story-Acting

Choose a storybook that has a storyline and characters where children can pretend to be immersed in. As parents narrate the story, children can pretend to be these characters and act out the story. Stories come alive when children get to act them out, and they also get to practise their language skills when they recite their lines.

Furthermore, parents can reinvent the stories according to their own imagination. This will encourage children to activate their creativity and continue the story in their own words.

Popular titles you can try:

  • The Three Little Pigs
  • Little Red Riding Hood
  • We’re Going On A Bear Hunt

Paper Plane Race

Get ready some templates for plane-folding so that everyone can choose the design that they think will be the fastest. Grab some paper and start folding, and once everyone is ready, fly your planes.

You may increase the difficulty of this game by adding targets that are placed on the floor or hung up. These will be challenging not just for kids, but adults too. It will definitely be a fun one that will crack everyone up.

Board Games Night

I love board games! It requires no preparation and teaches many skills. Parents are freed from ‘executing’ because everyone must follow the rules that are already set. Parents can fully enjoy the game as much as the children do. Making this a family routine will add to your family’s core memory as the kids grow.

Hot Potato

Form a circle, play a fast song and pass a ball around as quickly as you can. The objective of the game is to not be the one holding the ball when the song stops. As amusing as it sounds, children love to be the one holding the ball when the song stops; it just makes them feel extra special. Perhaps everyone else could then think of a silly forfeit to make it even more fun.

Play is beneficial for our children’s growth, but more importantly is something that they enjoy doing. As parents, we love seeing our children being in their element and showing pure joy on their faces as they play. It may be tiring and sometimes frustrating to still have to engage them after a long day, but play as an investment is never in vain.

Our efforts to engage them in play today will pay off when they are able to build a deep connection with us, communicate with us and grow in their self-regulation. Let’s keep playing with our children!

How to Foster Healthy Body Image in Your Child

Primary years (7-9)

Instill Healthy Habits 

For younger children, we serve as the primary influencers through our actions and attitudes.  

At this stage, it’s all about integrating healthy eating and regular physical activity into our family life. This not only helps our children establish beneficial habits but also sends a powerful message about the value placed on our overall well-being.  

We should also steer clear of fad diets and crash programmes, while keeping open conversations about the uniqueness of our body, no matter what size and shape we are.

Tween years (10-12)

Use Language Mindfully 

As we parent our young teens, we must be vigilant about the language we use. Simple comments can have a profound impact on a budding teenager’s self-perception.  

Rather than focusing on appearance, we can shift the emphasis towards character traits and qualities such as resilience, kindness and helpfulness.   

Avoid Sibling or Relative Comparisons  

Each child is unique, and comparisons among siblings or relatives can be detrimental to their self-esteem.  

We should acknowledge and celebrate our children’s individual strengths and qualities. Wherever possible, emphasise that differences in appearance are natural and do not determine a person’s worth.  

By focusing on each child’s unique strengths and gifts, we foster an environment where siblings can support and uplift each other rather than compete based on physical or intellectual attributes.  

Refrain from Weight-Related Comments 

Negative comments about weight, even if well-intentioned, can contribute to low self-esteem and body image issues. Instead of focusing on appearance, keep family discussions around health, balanced lifestyles, and well-being.  

You can encourage healthy eating habits without associating food with weight, by emphasising the importance of nourishing the body through balanced nutrition and regular exercise.  

Teen years (13-15) 

Navigating the journey of teenhood — a period marked by a whirlwind of physical changes and external pressures — can be a complex maze of self-discovery, where a young person’s sense of self is under constant construction.  

Instil Positive Food Habits  

Parents, you play a pivotal role in shaping your child’s relationship with food. Create a positive atmosphere around meals, emphasising the enjoyment of a variety of foods for their taste and nutritional value. Avoid labelling foods as “good” or “bad”, fostering a healthy and balanced approach to eating.  

Introduce your teen to the joy of cooking and involve them in meal planning! This can help cultivate a positive relationship with food that extends well into adulthood. Also, encourage physical activity as a fun and enjoyable aspect of daily life, rather than a means of weight control.  

If you notice red flags like frequent skipping of meals, severe dieting or over-exercising, you may wish to ask your child if he or she has concerns about their weight, or consider seeking professional help. 

Cultivate an Overall Healthy Lifestyle 

Promoting a healthy lifestyle encompasses more than just physical well-being.  

As parents and caregivers, we can set the tone by celebrating achievements that are unrelated to appearance and fostering an environment at home that values self-care and a balanced life! 

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate 

What Is Sexual Grooming?

Preschool (4-6 years), Primary (7-9 years), Tween (10-12 years) 

Sexual grooming can happen to both boys and girls, online or offline. Most perpetuators are known to the victims, so children might be reluctant to “tell on” someone they are familiar with, especially if it is a person they like or respect.  

This is why it is important to teach them that not everyone they meet or know is a safe person, and it is best to always come to mum or dad whenever they feel confused or have questions. 

We also need to teach them that the covered areas of their bodies are private and should not be shared with anyone, even in the form of a photo or video. Teach them that they have the power to speak up when they feel uncomfortable with any form of physical/virtual contact.    

 Statistics on sexual abuse show that shock and surprise often keep victims quiet. To avoid this, role-play possible scenarios, for example, “Let’s say someone chats with you while playing a game, and he asks you to send him a picture of yourself naked, what do you do?”  

You can also equip them with easy-to-remember handles to use, for example using SWAT as a mnemonic device: 

1. Shut Down 

2. Walk Away  

3. Talk to A Safe Adult 

Groomers often use social media, gaming platforms, and other online chat rooms to target young people. Sexual grooming can begin in very subtle ways or disguised as a game. The perpetuator might ask the victim to keep what happened as a secret, because it is part of the game or even use threats to scare the child.  

Groomers may start by simply talking to the child, but they will quickly try to build a closer relationship. They may offer compliments, gifts, or other favours. They may also listen to the child’s problems and offer support. 

To pre-empt this, talk to your child about these common tactics and teach them to raise the red flag if they notice any of these things. On your part, be on the lookout for anyone who is giving special attention to your child.   
  
It is important that you and your child build an open and trusting relationship, grounded in your unconditional love and in your ability to handle whatever is shared with you, for example, by not panicking or becoming upset with them.  

Reinforce that they have done the right thing whenever they come to you with questions or doubts. Your child needs the assurance that you will not fault them or dismiss what they share, but that they can depend on you to support them emotionally and help resolve the situation.    

Teen (13-15 years), Late teens (16-18 years) 

Continue to make yourself a safe place for your children to come to even as they grow into the teenage years.  

Even older teens can go into a state of shock when sexual abuse happens. They may passively go along with what’s going on because they do not know what to do, or because of the internal confusion they’re facing. 

If you suspect your teen is going through something because they are suddenly withdrawn, depressed, or fearful of certain places or people, reach out to find out how your child is doing. Let your teen share at their own pace. It may take more than one conversation to get the full story.  
 

At this stage, some teens may have started romantic relationships, so it is a good time to talk about boundaries within relationships and respectful and consensual physical touch.   
  
Help your teen see that sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual touch or sharing of explicit/naked photographs. Possessing and/or distributing sexual images is considered a crime in Singapore.   

Any sexual activity that happens when one party is unable to give consent—for example, being incapacitated, asleep or drunk—is also sexual abuse.  

Talk about various grooming methods like buying things and paying for your teen over a period of time so that eventually, your teen feels like he or she “owes” the person and has to repay them.  

Coercion can take many forms. It can range from “If you do not do this, I will…” statements to “But everyone is doing this”, or “I really like it if you do this. Can you do it for me?”  

Empower your children to develop and believe in the power of their own voice. Emphasise that they can say “Stop” or “No” at any time and that it is okay to realise they have gone too far or made a mistake and still demand the person to step.  

Help them avoid the trap of thinking that they are in the wrong for being in a situation and thus, have no right to stop. “You can always stop” can be a very powerful belief to instil in them.  

Do approach these conversations holistically, for instance, as you explain upskirt photos and why they are wrong, teach your daughters to be observant when wearing skirts, and your sons to avert their eyes when noticing something inappropriate.  

Part of our children’s growth into adulthood also include experiencing sexual desires. Acknowledge that this is a normal and healthy part of growing up!  
  
Sexual grooming/abuse is a huge topic and one we hope our children will never experience. To safeguard our children, regularly have sex education talks at home and remember to be a calm and loving presence in their lives.   

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Rekindle the Sparks of Marriage

We all enjoy a good love story, especially stories of deep, faithful love that is built over the decades. The film Up tells one such story about Carl, an elderly man grieving the loss of his wife and lifelong love, Ellie. A few friends even shared that they teared when watching the prologue of Carl’s journey with Ellie!

Up resonates deeply with us because we too long for a love as enduring and deep as Carl’s. I believe in the possibility and power of such a love. However, it can be challenging to keep the fire going as life gets overtaken by routines and responsibilities.

Here are some things my wife and I do together to rekindle our spark:

1. Revisit happy memories

As much as the present moment is important, looking back helps us remember how far we have come today. My wife and I regularly revisit the happy moments we had together, such as before we got married, before our first child was born, and even joyful moments with our children.

Occasionally, we also involve our children in commemorating cherished moments from the past, such as when we got our son to recreate a photo of us from 10 years ago!

Revisiting the past is not about resisting change or wishing that things were the way they used to be. Rather, remembering our journey together helps us grasp the depths of the love we have built over the years. As we remind ourselves of exciting or warm memories, it inspires us to envision similar possibilities in our future together.

2. Be the safe space for each other

Out of all the skills essential for nurturing a relationship, the ability to is perhaps the most crucial. Listening is not just about hearing; it involves suspending judgment, empathising, and avoiding presumption as far as possible. Many of us appreciate when someone listens to understand and acknowledge us, rather than glossing over what we said too quickly or trying to fix our problems.

One way to nurture a safe space is to practise give-and-take when listening and sharing. It helps to pay attention to how much we have shared, and to ensure our spouse has sufficient “airtime” to unload as well.

When marriage becomes the safest space, it nurtures faithfulness; both husband and wife can return to the marriage to refuel for the next trying day.

3 . Practice admiring each other

When responsibilities and obligations mount over the years, it is easy to forget that our spouse is the one we fell in love with, whether in the passionate romance of days past or even during the wedding!

Though it can sometimes feel unnatural in our stoic Asian culture, we have tried to build a habit of admiring one another. This can be in simple actions, such as a loving gaze, affectionate touch, or saying “I love you” regularly. One thing my wife and I do is to show each other off.We do not withhold praise when we talk about each other’s strengths in public! Such admiration of our better halves helps prioritise our marriage as the number one relationship in our lives. in our lives.

The process of rediscovering each other helps retain a sense of adventure in a marriage.

4. Continue learning about each other

Human beings are endlessly complex. Every individual is shaped by different family cultures, school experiences, work environments, and role models, and the journey of self- and other-discovery rarely ends in marriage!

Whether it is taking on new ambitions and projects, exploring a new interest or country, or simply keeping an open mind towards one another, the process of rediscovering each other helps retain a sense of adventure in a marriage.

5. Embrace joy and laughter

At the start of our relationship, I took myself too seriously. I believed that having an austere approach to life was the best way to weather its storms! However, while perseverance and discipline are important for a lasting marriage, I swung too far in that direction. In hindsight, this attitude prevented us from fully enjoying our relationship. Fortunately, my wife has since shown me the joys of loosening up!

Joy and laughter bring a sense of vibrance to relationships. My wife and I value humour in our marriage, and we love injecting joy and laughter into our everyday life. When used in the right moments, humour helps lift the mood and bring new perspectives in trying times.

While not all couples can have the privilege of living out their wildest dreams, we can build each other’s aspirations one step at a time.

6. Envision the future

Just like Carl and Ellie who dreamt about visiting Paradise Falls, dreaming together can help keep a marriage moving forward. While not all couples have the privilege of living out their wildest dreams, we can build each other’s aspirations one step at a time.

This is not limited to just big goals like career changes or moving out of the country. It can also involve smaller goals, such as pursuing small interests and hobbies, or just saving up for the next trip together.

For better or for worse

Over the years, I have heard many share that marriage is a sacred relationship that is not to be taken lightly. The solemness of wedding vows, uttered before a crowd of witnesses, have deep social, legal and even spiritual implications for a married couple. Such a journey requires careful deliberation, preparation, and determination to help us go the distance.

Though such advice is well meaning, it sometimes leads us to think of marriage only as “serious business,” which could be intimidating to many! Indeed, it is undeniable that it takes hard work and sacrifice to build a strong marriage. However, let’s also remember the magic of a deep and faithful commitment to one’s spouse: The sense of adventure from journeying together, as well as the warmth and legacy of a home built together over the years.

Should I Allow My Child To Play With An Opposite Gendered Toy?

Early Years (0-3 Years)

At this tender age, children and infants are in the exciting stage of exploring the world around them. At this stage, we should prioritise meeting their developmental needs and providing age-appropriate toys, rather than worrying whether the toys are blue or pink.

Babies are typically engaged in sensory exploration, fine motor skill development, and initial social interactions. Consequently, soft and cuddly toys can offer comfort and sensory stimulation, while colourful and high-contrast toys can provide visual stimulation.

Research has demonstrated that toddlers often find joy in toys designed for their gender. However, it’s acceptable if they choose to play with toys typically associated with the opposite gender as they can pick up different skills as well.

Preschool years (4-6 Years), Primary years (7-9 Years)

While there is nothing wrong with a young boy choosing to play with dolls or a girl loving toy cars, decades of research on children’s toy preferences show large and reliable preferences for toys related to their own gender.

Most girls might choose toys that feature appealing aesthetics or nurturing traits, while boys prefer toys with movement and excitement.

Further, one study showed that children as young as 9 months old prefer to play with toys specific to their own gender. This indicates that sex differences in toy preference appear early in development. Thus, it is likely that both biology and environment matter in shaping play choices.

Gender role modelling

Another point worth noting is that children primarily learn about gender roles through the observation of significant adults in their lives. This is where the influence of a mother and a father becomes paramount.

In learning about masculinity, a boy looks to his father and how he conducts himself at home and with others. Positive behaviours, such as learning to express emotions in productive ways and treating others with respect, are learnt through modelling.

The young child would also be observing how his father treats his mother, and where loving and respectful behaviours are the norm, he would naturally develop a sense of high regard for women.

Thus, while a boy playing with dolls can be said to be learning the behavioural trait of nurturing, how significant adults in his life behave and interact may carry more weight.

In child’s play, it is also critical to acknowledge and respect a child’s interests and to allow them to explore different kinds of play and toys.

Letting them take the lead in this regard is more useful than steering them towards certain choices based on one’s own ideology and worldview, or what is deemed progressive in society.

So, let’s give our children autonomy to make choices that resonate with their interests and unique personalities, while also making the effort to ensure home is a safe and nurturing place.

These are all essential steps to helping our kids develop a healthy sense of identity and regard for themselves and the opposite sex.

 

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

The Big Deal About K-pop Idols And Hollywood Stars

Did your child beg you for permission to attend the Tomorrow X Together concert, or cry over unsuccessful attempts at getting tickets to Taylor Swift’s only stop in Southeast Asia?

Queueing overnight at the post office for concert tickets. Hours spent “camping” on several devices on the day of concert ticket sales. Buying numerous music albums, merchandise and products endorsed by one’s favourite celebrity.

“What’s the big deal about [insert name of singer/band]?” you may ask.

The extent that people would go—just for a chance to see their favourite celebrities and show support—reveal the depth of emotional investment one has in them. Understandably, you may be concerned about your children getting caught up in chasing stars and singers.

Unhealthy obsession, moral values held by the celebrity in question, body image issues, distraction from studies – all these can be worrying.

But what if having a celebrity to look up to isn’t all that bad? How can we guide our teens to navigate the celebrity craze in a healthy manner?

The bright side

As a young adult who spent her teenage years being invested in Taylor Swift and The Hunger Games franchise, and has developed a deep appreciation and love for Korean entertainment (I happen to stan/be a fan of the best K-pop group ever), I would like to humbly suggest that good can actually come out of these seemingly frivolous pursuits.

These include:

1) Encourage hard work and creativity

For starters, most—if not all—of the  celebrities we know have worked hard to get to where they are, and continue to put in lots of time and effort to do what they love and remain in the game.

K-pop idols don’t become stars overnight. They start off as trainees who are put through gruelling training and intense competition, spending years of their youth going through hours of dance, vocal, acting and even language classes every day. They practise for extended hours to prepare for monthly evaluations, where they get graded and ranked for their performance.

Many audition to be trainees, some undergo training, but only a handful of them debut – and that’s when the real work starts.

Tight and long schedules filled with promotional activities, photo and video shoots, performances, ongoing dance and vocal practices – K-pop idols continue to work hard to make a name for themselves. Part of the process also involves discovering one’s style as they grow as creatives.

Other than K-pop artistes, actors, singers and social media influencers also put in many unseen efforts and hours to be where they are and keep improving.

Seeing the blood, sweat and tears poured into one’s craft can motivate young people to also work hard in the things they do and strive to be better. Some of these celebrities also demonstrate humility and a work ethic worth learning from.

While I am not into acting, singing or dancing (I wish I could dance well), the drive, dedication and discipline of the K-pop groups I love inspire me in my sporting pursuits, motivating me to push hard and to become a better version of myself.

Seeing the blood, sweat and tears poured into one’s craft can motivate young people to also work hard in the things they do and strive to be better.

2) Inspire our own interests and dreams

The talents and passions that celebrities have can inspire young people to try new things like acting, singing and different genres of dance.

I know of many people who picked up dance because of K-pop, realise they have a flair for it and branch out to explore other genres of dance. In particular, one of my friends who used to get bullied in school for being overweight, picked up K-pop choreography out of interest and not only lost weight, but also discovered a hobby that she continues to enjoy as a young adult. This greatly restored her confidence and self-esteem.

Having opportunities to discover interests outside of academics helps teens develop holistically, grow in their self-esteem, and can boost their mental wellbeing. In the process of exploring what one enjoys and/or is good at, young people may also unearth dreams.

Having spent a good deal of my teenage years following British and American YouTube content creators, I developed an interest in producing videos – a skill that I use in my job, and a hobby that brings me joy. Making my own videos has also helped me to appreciate creative content a lot more, and I continue to find ways to improve my skillsets.

Having opportunities to discover interests outside of academics helps teens develop holistically, grow in their self-esteem, and can boost their mental wellbeing.

3) Expose us to other cultures and perspectives

Following celebrities from other countries has given me the chance to learn about other cultures and get a glimpse of what life is like around the world. It has also broadened my outlook on life as I hear perspectives I wouldn’t otherwise be exposed to in my usual social circles. I have grown to appreciate different cultures and my own, develop empathy and a curious mindset when meeting different people.

The thought of your children being exposed to values and perspectives that you may not want them to adopt can be scary. Yet at the same time, we need to recognise that children can’t and won’t always be shielded from external influences.

Allowing room for them to chase celebrities and putting measures in place is a delicate balance that every parent-child pair can navigate through. You can help your teen remain grounded through ongoing open conversations and intentionally passing down values through word and action.

Having a celebrity they look up to can mean a lot to your teen. On our part as caring adults, we can first build a bridge by showing an interest in what they love.

Here are some questions to kickstart conversations with your kids about their favourite actor/singer/band:

1. What do you like about them?

2. What do you know about their life story/band history?

3. What are some of your favourite shows/movies/songs they have created?

4. In what ways do they inspire you? What are some positive traits you can learn from them?

5. Are there any social causes they are passionate about?

6. Are there any values/behaviours you don’t agree with?

Even as a young adult, it gets me excited when my dad shows me news about Blackpink, or when my mum listens to me talk about how pretty and talented they are.

At the same time, I am wary of the dangers and downsides idol-chasing can bring – especially when it is taken to an extreme, such as stealing money to attend a concert, or exhibiting disordered eating behaviours.

As adults, let’s keep the conversation open so we can guide the young and equip them with principles to help them navigate fan culture in a healthy manner.

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee. 

What Children of Divorce Feel About Family

Connie, 28, laughed before she started the interview.

“My family is really, really messy. Are you ready?” she quipped.

Her father was married thrice before he met her mother, whilst her mother was married twice before she met him. Even when he married her mother, he was already having an affair outside of the marriage.

It meant that when she grew up, she already had 2 older stepsiblings living with her, and 2 younger siblings to take care of.

Growing up, there were regular fights outside the home. Because their home was small, Connie heard everything.

Even after those fights, her mother would come and recount to her the details. Once she remembered being with her mum when her mum discovered a receipt of something her father had bought for his girlfriend.

Her mother cried.

And even though Connie was only 9 at that time, she immediately advised, “You should leave him.”

When she was 9, her parents separated. She admitted that she had a part to play in that, telling her mother something her father had revealed to her in confidence.

“Yes, in a way, I can say I activated the divorce. I felt sad but also a sense of relief. Moving around my grandma’s and aunt’s places was not easy.”

Connie recalled that much of her schooling years was spent in a state of depression, and she often complained, “My life sucks. What kind of life is this?”

Even at the age of 12, she had to take care of her 4 and 5-year-old siblings, fetching them back from school, and cooking for them.

She began to see how divorce had affected her childhood, forcing her to grow up much faster, and thus she could not enjoy her childhood like other children could.

Trying to make the best out of divorce

“But I wanted to contribute to this article because divorce can be damaging to young children. And I wanted to share how I bounced back from that difficult period.”

Connie believes that many people hold onto their marriages for the sake of their children.

While this is a worthy cause, and couples should make every effort at rebuilding the marriage, including seeking help, one must also realise that children often can pick up the tensions within the marriage, and it can be difficult for them.

Trying to keep things together just for the children can be like pouring poor-quality glue into a deep crack in a pot. It often takes deep and hard emotional work to resolve the differences and tensions that have built up over the years.

So perhaps what is required of couples is an ongoing, intentional work to grow their marriage and an openness to seek guidance from other, more experienced couples with the issues that may surface along the way.

Jonathan, 28, also saw his parents divorce at the age of 12. He remembered how he frequently went to school crying, because of how hard it was to see his parents separate.

Surprising though, he managed to turn his adversity into opportunity. He worked hard at his studies, so that he could make both his parents proud.

Amanda, a 22-year-old university student, agreed that her parents’ divorce had caused her to grow up faster. As a child, she witnessed her father physically abusing her mum during fights. Eventually, her parents divorced when she was 9.

The importance of communication

Connie did learn something from her parents though.

Her mum communicated the reasons for the divorce to her, rather than keeping them in the dark, thinking that children wouldn’t understand what was happening.

“This helped us in not having an open wound when we were trying to figure out why our parents were leaving each other,” she revealed.

Amanda’s mum also opened up to her when Amanda asked why the divorce had happened. She even explained that she was pushing Amanda so hard in her studies so that this cycle of broken families didn’t have to continue in her generation.

For her mother, education was a key ladder out of the generational cycle of broken families.

Connie also confided in her friend, who was 4 years older. She admits that she would probably be some “bad kid” now if she didn’t have the advice of this older friend.

Having a place where she could rant and find a different perspective helped her to deal with the loneliness of having to settle all these adult affairs alone.

“We shouldn’t perceive that the future will turn out like the past.”

Hopes for her future family

As Connie grew up, she found herself disillusioned by the idea of marriage. She had seen all her immediate family, such as her aunties and uncles, have affairs and divorces.

She felt marriage was just a piece of paper to make things more convenient for all parties. She didn’t believe that it would work.

But then she met her boyfriend, who helped her to see that there was good in love and being loved. And that love is a choice we make, day in, day out. She shared, “We shouldn’t perceive that the future will turn out like the past.”

Amanda added that the tensions within her parents’ marriage helped her to see that healthy marriage needed constant communication, and not a single point of commitment.

She’s thus taken important lessons in communicating with her current partner about their expectations. For example, when to have kids, and how many to have has been a feature in their discussions.

No perfect families

Yet as Connie’s story shows, children of divorce can still try to make the best of their situations, if they are willing to forgive, move on, and recognise that there aren’t perfect parents, perfect marriages, or perfect families.

There are only imperfect ones, brought together again and again, through a willingness to repair ruptures, whatever it takes.

For privacy reasons, pseudonyms have been used in this article.