Resource Type: Articles

What to Do If Your Child Stumbles Upon Porn

As busy parents, it can be challenging to constantly supervise all of our children’s online activities. However, it remains all the more crucial to keep watch over our kids. In today’s digital age, it’s not uncommon for children to accidentally stumble upon inappropriate content online, including porn.  

If your child comes to you after chancing upon inappropriate content, it’s important to handle the situation with care and understanding. Here are some tips on how to manage such a conversation. 

1. Stay calm and composed 

Breathe. It’s crucial to remain calm and composed as our reactions will set the tone for the conversation and determine whether our children feel safe enough to come to us, when such incidents occur. 

2. Ask open-ended questions  

Ask open-ended questions to understand what they saw and how they felt about it. This helps in gauging their level of understanding and emotional state. 

Some examples of questions you can ask: What did the image or video show? How long did the video play for? How did it make you feel? 

A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe. 

3. Provide age-appropriate information 

Help your child process what they saw. Avoid giving too much detail but do be honest in order to build trust. 

If your child is a preschooler, and does not seem to remember or understand what they saw, avoid scolding or shaming them.  

However, emphasise that inappropriate content abound on the internet and boundaries will have to be set and adhered to, in order to keep them safe. Use statements like, “A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe.” 

If your child is in primary school, you should highlight the dangers of watching inappropriate material, including porn addiction and normalizing or mimicking the sexual behaviours they see online.  

For more handles on how to talk about porn, register to access our Talk About Sex Video Series. 

4. Reassure your child

Reassure your child that they are not in trouble and that it is okay to talk about anything with you. Let them know it’s a normal part of growing up to be curious and/or to have sexual feelings. 

5. Set boundaries for online safety

Use this opportunity to educate them about online safety and the importance of not sharing personal information or clicking on unknown links. Discuss and set rules of when and how your child can use mobile devices with internet connection. It is also a good idea to install parental controls on all devices in the home and use these tools to keep them safe. 

Creating a safe and open environment at home encourages our children to feel comfortable approaching us with any issues they encounter, whether online or offline. 

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Positive Discipline: Why it’s Useful and 3 Ways to Practise it

The term “discipline” often brings to mind strict authority and punishment, shaped by our upbringing and culture.  

Yet, discipline is not the same as punishment. While punishment imposes consequences for undesirable behaviour, discipline guides individuals toward actions that benefit both themselves and others. 

Alicia Yah, a mother of four and a seasoned early childhood educator with over 23 years of experience, champions the approach of positive discipline. She believes a supportive, respectful environment is essential for nurturing children’s growth. 

“Positive discipline is a philosophy and set of practices that aim to teach and guide children by fostering a respectful and supportive environment,” Alicia explains. 

This approach contrasts with fear-based discipline, which is often associated with control through punishment. Alicia explains, “Instead of using punishment to control behaviour, positive discipline focuses on encouraging good behaviour through positive reinforcement, empathy, and setting clear and consistent boundaries.”  

While fear-based punishment may prompt quick compliance, positive discipline nurtures self-discipline and the internal motivation to do what’s right. Children learn responsibility as they are guided to understand and own their actions. This approach also builds trust between parent and child by fostering respect and open communication, rather than fear. 

Ready to start? Here are three principles for implementing positive discipline with your child: 

Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

1. Establishing consistent boundaries 

Establishing consistent boundaries is essential as children develop their own understanding of limits and safety. 

“Children do not know where the boundaries are, and as parents, we need to guide and teach them,” Alicia said. She encourages parents to explain the consequences of certain actions rather than using punishment to enforce compliance. For example, saying, “If you run across the road like this, you could get hurt should a car hit you,” helps children understand why limits are important. 

Consistency is crucial. If we set a rule—for instance, turning off the television at a specific time—we need to follow through with any stated consequence if the rule isn’t respected. Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

When boundaries are enforced with shouting or fear, it can signal to children that aggression is an acceptable response. Alicia reminds us to act as role models, and to be aware that our actions will shape our children’s behaviour.  

She also offers reassurance for those moments when we fall short and lose our temper. “As long as you want to connect with your child and make it right, we can be intentional to say sorry and try again. My encouragement to all parents is that we are not born ready-made parents; we will journey with our children. It’s okay for them to see us fail, as long as they also see our determination to return with greater resolve to parent well and be more patient,” she said. 

Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch. 

2. Connect before you correct

Some parents may worry that a respectful, connection-focused approach undermines their authority. In reality, maintaining boundaries while valuing connection fosters security and resilience in children. 

Power struggles can damage trust, so it’s helpful for spouses to support each other during challenging moments. Teaching children to “try again” after a mistake can also help. Alicia shared, “This is something that I do with my children—I ask, ‘Would you like to try again?’ Even my youngest, at four, can ask me that when I fall short, which signals to me that they are picking up this strategy as well.” 

When a child is upset, choosing not to mirror their frustration but staying nearby and being ready to connect can strengthen the bond. “Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch,” Alicia added. Hugging them when they have done something wrong communicates that you still love and accept them, even if you disapprove of their behaviour. 

Allow the child to calm down before addressing their behaviour. Prioritise connection over immediate correction, showing that you value them as a person, beyond correcting their actions.  

3. Co-creating solutions with your child

Once a child is calm, a collaborative approach can guide them toward understanding their actions and help them find alternative solutions. 

 “For example, if my child has shown inappropriate behaviour, after calming down, I might ask, ‘If you face this situation again, what would you do differently?’ Then, he can come up with a solution,” Alicia explained. “If the situation recurs and the solution doesn’t work, we discuss what went wrong and try again. This way, the child learns responsibility and knows that I am here to journey with them.” 

 As children grow older, involving them in co-creating solutions and boundaries not only builds their confidence but also shows that their ideas are valued. “The last thing we want is for our child to feel rejected or abandoned because of an inappropriate behaviour,” Alicia emphasised. 

Being a present parent means demonstrating consistency in our boundary-setting, maintaining connection, and engaging in co-creating solutions with our children. By embracing positive discipline, we empower children to grow and learn from their mistakes within a secure, loving relationship. 

Marriage and Kids: A Junior College Student’s Insights

In such a diverse country such as Singapore, I’ve met many people with different takes on dating, marriage, and raising a child. These perspectives, along with the march of time, made me reflect on what it means to build a family in a fast-paced and demanding world like ours.

Too much, too soon? 

I’ve been asked at least once by my parents whether I plan to have children when I’m of age, to which my answer is always: ‘I’ll deal with it later, need to study first.’  

Additionally, seeing big, bold headlines such as: ‘Birth Rates a Historic Low,’ year after year brings weight onto your shoulders. Especially when the onus is increasingly being thrust on you to save Singapore from the clutches of an ageing population. 

While I do find the idea of having a child fulfilling, my mind can easily conjure a myriad of ways I would not be ready for such an important step in my life.

Finding a life partner

Singaporean life finds ways to keep me busy. The academic guillotine that is A-levels leaves little legroom to kick back and think about finding that special someone. The adage goes: ‘Hold pen, not hold hand.’ After that comes National Service (NS), the infamous grim reaper of relationships. If you managed to secure a relationship, you might encounter what many NSmen face: Weekdays of paranoid yearning, and weekends of drop-dead exhaustion.  

By the time all of it is over, I will be a 21-year-old who will be clawing for a degree, managing an apartment, wrestling with the high cost of living and other things I could never have possibly foreseen when I was 17. 

However, I’ve heard of success stories that show it is possible to achieve the best of both worlds. Whether it be a dating couple making compromises and supporting each other through transitions such as NS, graduating, landing their first job, or a married couple finding time for their child and each other despite varying job commitments, it becomes evident that one can build a family without sacrificing growth.

It also helps to remind myself I’m still a young adult-in-progress; just because I feel incapable of raising a child today, doesn’t mean I will struggle forever. 

Am I capable enough? 

Even if things got sorted out in the relationship and commitment departments, there is always the persistent doubt about being solely responsible for raising a human being.  

To me, it seems irresponsible to bring a child into this world without the confidence that I can raise him or her to their fullest potential, and to become a person who can contribute something to the world. Thinking about the stress of our education system, housing, and job security is enough to make my head spin. 

That being said, raising a child isn’t just about dollars and cents. It’s also about the intrinsic joy of watching someone close to you grow, and cultivating something truly beyond ourselves. It also helps to remind myself I’m still a young adult-in-progress; just because I feel incapable of raising a child today, doesn’t mean I will struggle forever.  

For now, I’m taking my responsibility as a student seriously. And when the time is right, I hope to be able to tap on people close to me – whether it’s friends who have travelled further than me or a family member who is committed to my wellbeing – to ‘study’ and understand the roles and responsibilities of a parent like an A-level subject.

Parenthood offers as many, if not more, sacrifices and rewards as any other path. And aiming to have children over a high-paying career shouldn’t be stigmatised.

Family, success or both? 

Despite our culture slowly accepting that success comes in many forms, much of society still tends to put aside life goals that don’t immediately translate into material benefits. So, it’s no surprise that ‘married, with children’ is still seen as a cost rather than an opportunity, particularly for people in my generation. Many people set the scene of tired parents feeding their irate child while their friends have the time of their lives partying, working, or studying. 

Yet, even as I write this article, I’m reminded that one can, and should, balance both. Starting a family doesn’t mean you ‘miss out’ on what life has to offer, in fact it gives you a depth of perspective and experience, from which one might be able to enjoy life and ride through its challenges at another level – and with a personal ‘tribe’ that is connected by blood to learn and grow with.  

Maybe the experience might even change the lens through which I see and comprehend the world. Parenthood offers as many, if not more, sacrifices and rewards as any other path. And aiming to have children over a high-paying career shouldn’t be stigmatised any more than pursuing a passion rather than a corporate job. 

Career and family can converge

As a young person, it can sometimes feel like I am being pulled towards two diverging paths in life, but I must remember that opportunities and experiences are not the on-off switch that others make it out to be. These paths can converge, just perhaps not at the same pace as we think they should. 

It isn’t easy in today’s society, but with a boost from others who have gone before us and a dash of hope and optimism, we can balance our dreams with our desires to build a family. 

As for myself, I will wait for the harmonious marriage of love and ambition to take place within my lifetime and hope to enjoy all facets of what life has to offer. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.  

How Important is Sex in Marriage?

“We have never agreed about sex. It’s the one area of conflict we just can’t seem to resolve.” Couples in this situation may wonder if their marriage can ever be happy. Beneath the conflicts about sexual pleasure and frequency lurks this pressing question: How important is sex in a marriage relationship?  

While you will never fix a dysfunctional relationship with sex, research suggests that a healthy sex life is correlated with a more satisfying relationship in general. Does having sex lead to a better relationship or is it the other way around? It’s both, really. Feelings of emotional safety and healthy communication will definitely help you navigate the challenges of sex, but the opposite is also true. Working on your sex life (if you are in a healthy relationship) can improve emotional intimacy and satisfaction in your marriage.  

Sex releases neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and endorphins that result in feelings of pleasure and general wellbeing. Sexual touch and orgasm also release the hormone oxytocin, sometimes called “the cuddle hormone” because it facilitates bonding and feelings of affection between husband and wife.  

Yet for many couples, their experience of navigating sex in marriage is more frustrating than fulfilling. Arguments about how often to have sex take away any potential joy or unity. For others, sex isn’t even close to pleasurable. The impact of past trauma, sexual shame, low libido and physical pain can make sex something you want to avoid rather than pursue.  

As you attempt to answer the question, “How important is sex in my relationship?” and address sexual conflicts in your marriage, it’s crucial to differentiate between sexual activity and sexual intimacy. Sometimes, emphasising sexual activity will actually sabotage a couple’s sexual intimacy.  

Sexual activity or sexual intimacy? 

For example, let’s say a guy hears over and over again that when he’s married he’ll be able to have guilt-free sex. He brings to marriage a storehouse of expectations. His wife will always arouse him and be ready for sex whenever he has the urge. He can’t wait for the day that he can channel all his sexual energy toward his new wife. 

Then they get married. He finds that he’s not always aroused by her, so he recalls pornographic images from his past. He’s frustrated any time she says no. It’s as if she never wants sex, he thinks. Even when they have sex, she seems to approach it with obligation rather than delight. 

While this couple may have sex once or twice a week, they have never said “yes” to the invitation of sexual intimacy.  

Sexual activity focuses on what’s happening in your body. Are you having enough sex? Are you and your spouse sexually compatible? Are you sexually attracted to your spouse? Such questions may place unnecessary pressure on a couple to be sexually active. The couple then evaluates their relationship based on those purely physical markers.  

But the gift of sex is an invitation to and celebration of intimacy within marriage. Sex is not just about what happens to our bodies; it’s also about the shared journey of vulnerability, pleasure and committed love.  

Steps to intimacy and better sex 

For sex to turn from a negative element of your marriage into a positive one, you need to focus on intimacy. Here are three steps you can take right now to start working toward sexual intimacy. 

  1. Have honest conversations

Talk about what sex means to you. Some couples who’ve been married for decades never talk about sex. Your sexual journey will be transformed when you pursue your spouse’s heart. You can do this by asking questions such as: 

  • Tell me about a time when you felt close to me during sex.  
  • How would you define a fulfilling sex life?  
  • How do you feel when I initiate sex? When you initiate sex?  
  • How does what you learned about sex growing up impact your view of sex in our marriage?  
  • What about our sex life makes you feel particularly vulnerable? 

If you have never talked about sex this openly, you might want to involve a counselor who can help you navigate such vulnerable conversations.  

  1. Know that both of your sexual journeys matter

The sexual journey matters for both of you, not just the one who has the higher desire.  

Whether or not you experience sexual desire, your sexual journey matters in marriage. Sex is a call toward mutual pleasure and intimacy. If your spouse hates sex because of a variety of relational, physical or emotional barriers, demanding they meet your sexual needs can make things worse. Instead, play a part in your spouse’s healing by exercising patience and encouraging them to seek help.  

  1. Embrace hope

Realise that barriers to pleasure and compatibility may actually lead you to the deepest sexual intimacy of your marriage. 

Over the past decade, I’ve heard from hundreds of couples who are navigating severe difficulties including porn addiction, sexual abuse recovery, debilitating physical illness, vaginismus (sexual pain during intercourse) and infertility. During such seasons, mutual sexual pleasure seems impossible. But the gift of sex is one that extends far beyond immediate pleasure. When sex is “good” it allows a couple to delight in each other. But when sex is difficult, it invites couples to experience the goodness of unconditional love. 

How important is sex in your relationship? It’s an important part of marriage, but not the way you may think it is. Rather than focusing on “Am I happy with how often we’re having sex?” instead ask, “How can our sexual journey prompt us to a deeper experience of intimacy?” 

© 2022 Juli Slattery. Used with permission. 

5 Ways to Keep Your Kids Safe and Healthy Online

We live in a time where social media and short-form content are not just tools and sources of information, but a way of life. With the advent of AI chatbots and image generators, the online world presents as many dangers as benefits to our children. Here are 5 ways to keep them safe. 

1. Build in age-appropriate supervision

Before giving your child a mobile device with Internet access, think about the level of supervision and controls that are appropriate for your child’s age and level of maturity.  

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • As children of this age may not be aware of the risks of exploring the online world, we should consider adopting parental controls such as Google Family Link and Qustodio on our home computers and devices. 
  • At the same time, recognise that no parental control app is fool proof, so do keep an eye on children at this age whenever they have screen time.  
  • Children at this age do not need mobile phones. 

Tweens (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens may begin using the Internet for schoolwork. So, we will need to have conversations about the work they need to do online and agree on the boundaries for use. 
  • Some tweens may ask to get a social media account because their friends have them but may not have the maturity to manage issues such as peer pressure and cyber bullying. 

 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • As teens and late teens begin to utilise the internet for a variety of uses such as communication and homework, it may be impractical to maintain control simply through parental monitoring apps.  
  • Conversations and connecting with them over their hobbies and interests will begin to play a bigger role in understanding their needs and usage of screens. The goal should also gradually shift to helping them learn to self-manage their time and priorities.

2. Talk about the dangers and benefits

When we think ‘internet dangers’, the list seems to grow with each passing year. Recent issues like deepfake pornography, online bullying, and fake news are dominating the headlines. So, it’s important to lay out the potential harms that certain parts of the internet can inflict to children just starting to enter widespread internet culture and go over the ways they can safeguard themselves. 

3. Establish what’s good and what isn’t

When grappling with issues like body image, sexuality, and dating, it can be hard for your child to separate good ideas from not-so-good ones, especially when social media portrays a plethora of diverse views.  

Ongoing but small conversations can arm your child with the increasing ability to recognise safe and unsafe scenarios. 

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • Discussions with children from this age group should aim to protect them from common online threats such as online grooming, cyberbullying, and scams. 
  • Additionally, talk about online etiquette and digital literacy, such as how to differentiate between credible news sources and fake news or sensationalism. 

Tween years (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens are at the beginning of their adolescent years and may be particularly susceptible to online/peer influences, so it is not helpful for them to be exposed to overly sexualised images. 
  • Conversations about the different forms of cyberbullying may come in handy, as well as a basic idea of gender/sexuality. 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • Although teens are more independent and do not need, nor appreciate, our constant supervision, they still desire our presence, affirmation and attention. Use these years as an opportunity to share values about love and relationships with them. 

4. Build in-person connections

This one can be a little tricky, given the ubiquity of social media and that some people may genuinely find it difficult to make friends in real life. 

Social media tends to hide imperfections that children might’ve learned to accept if they met them in person such as acne, scars, or unusual talking habits.  

While you may not be able to control how physically social your child is, engaging with them in social activities such as sports, dinners or video games allows for meaningful dialogue between the two of you. Alternatively, facilitate parties/hangouts with his or her friends. 

5. Listen more than you speak!

Children are constantly growing, and the advice your child follows today may be questioned tomorrow.  

However, it’s still important that your child feels safe and accepted when they share their thoughts with you or seek advice from you—especially when they are discovering novel things on the internet that they might not be able to handle alone. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.  

How can I Balance Discipline with Joy and Fun at Home?

Children thrive in an environment where discipline and warmth co-exist. Discipline sets the boundaries that tell them what they can and cannot do, while warmth gives them the security of their parents’ unconditional love. However, balancing these two characteristics of a calm and conducive home can be challenging at times, so let’s explore some ways to help us achieve this! 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. 

Training their minds through discipline 

Often, parents discipline to change or control negative behaviours. However discipline should be seen as a tool to train their minds. Before we dive in, there are exceptions where discipline must be effective in changing behaviours, for example, where safety is concerned. 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. As much as we hope that they would make the right choice all the time, we must also allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.  

For example, my son insisted on having chocolates for snacks 5 days in a row. I told him how it would make him sick, but he still chose to eat them and true enough, he fell sick at the end of the period. That was the first and last time he ate chocolates for 5 days straight. The process of seeing him make this decision was hard and I knew exactly what was coming, but I knew that he had to go through it to truly learn this lesson.  

When we understand that the purpose of discipline is beyond just controlling their behaviour, we are able to execute it in a manner that facilitates effective learning.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. 

Discipline must be built upon trust 

The foundation of effective discipline is a trusting relationship between the parent and child. A relationship without trust is largely driven by fear. We need to be careful as we train our children up, that their obedience is driven by love and trust, not fear.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. However, if our children see their behaviour as a means to earn our approval, then they will obey out of fear and a desire to continually please us. In the long run, we risk losing intimacy in our relationship with them while trying to teach them. 

Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

Words matter 

In the process of disciplining our children, our words matter. As we teach them about right and wrong, we should never attack or make presumptions about their character with our words.  

Even when they have made a mistake, we need to learn how to come alongside to empathise with them and show them grace. This is easier said than done, especially when we were never brought up this way. However, we can take heart: Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter. 

Rules can be bent when… 

While we try to be consistent in holding out our boundaries and enforcing the rules that we set, sometimes we may find ourselves in situations where we feel unsure. There is a lot of fear when it comes to bending our rules because we don’t want to start something we cannot manage eventually. We fear that if we were to give in once, our very clever and observant children will pick it up and bargain for more. Where should we draw the line? 

The answer is: It depends.  

Rules are a guideline for our kids to understand structure and expectations in our homes. There is a place where rules must be enforced regardless. For example, we do not condone violence in our home, and there cannot be any compromise in such matters.  

However, when it comes to things that are more subjective, such as screen time, staying over at a friend’s house, it really depends on the situation. The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter.  

We can make exceptions if it helps to build trust between us and our child, or if we see that giving it as a one-off treat would really make a difference. For example, if your child is graduating and there is a sleepover at a classmate’s house, there can be room for negotiation as to what is allowed and strictly not. This helps our children understand that we care about what they think and feel as well. 

All we need is just a little imagination. 

Fun and joy bind it all together! 

There is just something magical about children having lots of fun and joy in the home. Maybe it speaks of how they really love their home, or it may reflect how closely knitted our family relationships are. Creating a home that is vibrant and filled with fun and laughter amidst structure and discipline may sound daunting (or impossible!) but here’s the secret: It’s in the little things! 

We can always spice things up by changing the way things are done. Adding a little plot to the mundane routines can make things way more enticing and exciting than we can ever imagine. I remember it was probably the third time I was packing the house and I was getting frustrated that the boys were oblivious to the mess. I knew that I did not want to do it alone, neither did I want to hear any more grumbling from them about packing their toys.  

So I put on my story-teller’s hat and told them that we needed to use our superpowers to save the toys from being eaten up by the vacuum cleaner. We all claimed our superpowers (sorting, re-arranging, lifting, etc) and kept the toys under record time that night. We even came up with our own tagline, “We are the best toys defender in town!” 

Fun and joy are as important as routines in a home, they are like the cream between the sponge layers. They bind everyone in the family together and are a strong motivation for our children to work with us and sometimes, things get done faster!  

All we need is just a little imagination. To create a balanced environment takes effort and intentionality, but start with the little things and implement one change at a time. You may not always be successful at the first try, but practice makes progress! Have fun! 

6 Tools for Healthy Communication in Marriage

“Could you please bring home a few apples?” my new bride, Diane, asked.

I was headed to the store, and Diane made this simple request as I was leaving. “Sure,” I said. It felt good to help her out.

I like apples that are a little tart, so I purchased some small, green apples on sale. When I arrived at home and presented her with my gift, Diane said, “I wanted apples for eating, not for baking.” Her voice was tense, filled with frustration. “Just regular, red apples.”

I had expected her to be grateful for my effort, but she wasn’t — and I was angry. I thought, She didn’t tell me what kind of apples, and I gave her exactly what she asked for.

The communication tool registry for marriage  

In the early days of our marriage, we realised that we each brought an individual view of life to the relationship and that neither of us was a mind reader. We had to learn ways to find out what the other was thinking. 

Typical newlyweds are not fully equipped for marriage and need help from the community. For example, newlyweds usually don’t have furniture or cookware to set up a home, so wedding guests bring gifts to get them started. 

In the same way, couples often don’t have a lot of communication tools when they enter marriage. When conversations get tough, they may need better tools than they have, but they don’t know where to find them. 

What if a couple registered for communication tools instead of toasters or towels? Here are the six tools I’d want to see on their list: 

1. Use focused attention as a communication tool  

While Diane and I were driving though central California during a cold winter day, we had to climb a winding mountain road in the fog. 

I could barely see the white lines in front of the car as we crawled along, and my attention was laser-focused on my driving. But an hour later we came down the other side and into the bright, warm sunshine. I relaxed, and within minutes I was drowsy and inattentive. 

That’s a recipe for disaster in both driving and marriage. Over time, we can become inattentive to our spouse’s needs. We can take our opportunities for communication for granted, as if we expect the road to always be smooth and straight. The solution? Becoming intentional about our connection: 

  • Make direct eye contact when talking 
  • Press “pause” or “mute” on the remote when your spouse approaches. This habit will be a reminder of what’s more valuable.  
  • Initiate conversation about your spouse’s concerns instead of waiting for him or her to bring them up 

2. Communicate clear expectations 

When I look at an issue through my own lenses, I assume that my spouse sees it the same way. That’s a common source of irritation and conflict because that assumption ignores her unique perspective. 

In your marriage, develop the communication skill of clarifying meaning early in each conversation. Otherwise, you’ll wonder why your spouse brought home the wrong kind of apples. Ask questions like: 

  • “So you prefer a relaxing vacation. What does ‘relaxing’ look like to you?” 
  • “You’ll be gone for a while. Can you give me a rough time frame when you’ll be back?” 
  • “Sure, I have a minute. Or if we need longer than that, may we connect in a half hour instead?” 

Develop a curiosity about what’s under the surface of your spouse’s statements. 

3. Ask your spouse second questions in conversation 

During a conversation, it’s easy to be focused on forming your reply to your spouse rather than listening to seek understanding. Instead, develop a curiosity about what’s under the surface of your spouse’s statements, and the practice will bring you together. 

If you respond with your thoughts first, it’s often an indication that you’re not focused on the other person. But if you simply listen and ask a second question to explore what your spouse has said, it demonstrates caring and builds trust. Just take what he or she has said to the next level: 

  • “So, what were you feeling when your boss took credit for your work?” 
  • “You said that was one of the best books you’ve ever read. What about the book affected you the most?” 
  • “That seminar sounds really interesting. What would you be looking to take from it?” 

4. Wrangle technology as a marriage skill 

Technology can be a powerful tool for effective communication in marriage. But like any tool, it can be misused. Holding a conversation is tough when someone is distracted by a screen. So when your spouse is present, you need to turn your attention toward him or her. Try these ideas for taming your tech: 

  • When you go out to dinner, leave your cell phone in the car 
  • When you’re apart, send several quick, fun text messages during the day to let your spouse know you’re thinking about him or her 
  • Remove your television from your bedroom so it can be a retreat from tech 

5. Streak-connecting with your spouse

A streak is something you do consistently over time. You pick something you want to do every day (exercising, flossing, etc.) and then put a big red X on the calendar every day it happens. Once you see the streak of X’s on the calendar, you won’t want to break it. Plan for streaks in your marriage and track them: 

  • Say “I love you” to your spouse every day 
  • Make the bed every day 
  • If you both share the same faith, pray with your spouse every day 

Right now, I feel really frustrated with you. That doesn’t change the fact that I adore you, and I’m not going anywhere. 

6. Use your communication skills to foster wonder 

During courtship, all you can see is how amazing your partner is. After the wedding, you see things you didn’t notice before and think, Wait — I didn’t sign up for this. 

Actually, we become more realistic as we learn more about the person we married. That’s healthy — unless we see only the negative and lose sight of the amazing. It’s still there, but we have to intentionally keep it on our radar: 

  • Write down one thing each evening about your spouse that you’re grateful for. Do it for a month, then show it to him or her. 
  • In conversations with friends, never describe your spouse’s faults. Share something specific about your spouse that amazes you (it’ll get back to your spouse). 
  • Reaffirm your relationship during conflict: “Right now, I feel really frustrated with you. That doesn’t change the fact that I adore you, and I’m not going anywhere.” 

Communication is the foundation on which we build world-class relationships. The more valuable the relationship, the greater the need for effective communication. If the communication tools you have on hand aren’t working in your marriage, it’s time for better tools. Try some of these suggestions and watch your relationship grow! 

©2018, 2023, 2024 Mike Bechtle. Used with permission. 

What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

Nurture Your Marriage by Building Lasting Friendship

Friendship in marriage is vital, but the busyness of life can squelch it.  

Most couples are great friends when they get married, but after a few years, the pressures of life start sapping their energy and time for each other. If a marriage continues without friendship, many couples see divorce as the only way out. But it’s not! If you think fun, friendship and emotional connection in marriage aren’t possible, think again. Don’t let emotional connection in marriage fade away — revive it using these tips. 

Most couples are great friends when they get married, but after a few years, the pressures of life start sapping their energy and time for each other.

The importance of friendship in marriage  

There’s a common myth about marriage: It’s that the longer you’ve been married, the more work and less fun it is. This belief implies that the first few years of marriage are the enjoyable ones when friendship is really strong and there simply won’t be time or energy for that kind of connection over time.  

But marriages don’t have to end up that way. Having a strong friendship and emotional connection in marriage is an intentional choice. It’s a choice made by two people who are committed to a long-term relationship, and it also requires action. The second law of thermodynamics says that when something is in motion, it tends to slow down unless someone keeps pushing it. If we don’t pay attention to our friendship and keep it going, that friendship will lose momentum and disappear over time — and then the rest of the relationship will begin to wither. 

Friendship isn’t optional in marriage; it’s the lifeblood of long-term success. Research by the Gottman Institute has revealed that “great friendship” is highly correlated with “high marital satisfaction.” In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman writes, “… happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” If my wife and I are good at working through the tough struggles that come into our lives but there’s no depth of friendship, it’ll feel like all work and no enjoyment. But if we’ve learned how to nurture our friendship and make it a priority, we have the resources to face the tough stuff together. 

Make friendship a lifelong priority in your relationship and your marriage will thrive. Friendship lubricates emotional connection in marriage.

What is emotional connection in marriage?

A strong emotional connection in marriage includes several elements: 

Shared experiences 

When you work with someone, attend the same fellowship at church or meet at an event you’re both attending, you’re sharing a common experience. It’s where romance often begins because there’s that touchpoint of being in the same place at the same time. What experiences have you shared with your spouse lately?  

Shared interests 

Since the early stages of romance involve getting to know what the other person enjoys and what they value, it’s natural to find things to do that you both like. Doing those things together gives you time to talk, and certain activities will rise to the surface as favourites for both of you. Of course, you can’t expect a sports fanatic to get excited about sewing or an outdoor person to thrive on having conversations on the couch. But you can explore your differences and maximize the things you both enjoy. How many interests do you and your spouse share? 

Shared commitment 

Genuine friendships aren’t immune to conflict; they just don’t walk away when it gets tough. In a healthy marriage, both spouses are deeply committed to the relationship — enough to face the challenges. They believe the relationship is worth much more than the momentary feelings, and they’ll do what it takes to work through those issues. They’ve learned to see the issue as the enemy, not each other. Even though these spouses are frustrated, they concentrate on the issue and commit to working on it together instead of letting it come between them. 

How committed are you both to your relationship? 

Shared investment

If both spouses focus on meeting their needs in the relationship, it means they’ve investing in themselves more than their spouse. It becomes a “taking” relationship instead of a “giving” relationship, with spouses keeping score of how the other person is performing. 

If a person focuses on investing in the well-being and growth of their spouse instead, making them their top priority, there’s a continual desire to see them thrive. In that environment, investing in each other becomes a catalyst for fun and friendship — a true emotional connection in marriage. 

What evidence do you see of a giving relationship in your marriage?

A strong, friendship-filled marriage doesn’t happen by default; it happens by design. 

How to strengthen your friendship

A strong, friendship-filled marriage doesn’t happen by default; it happens by design.  

Think of a new vehicle with that new-car smell. As time goes by, the car picks up the odours of dropped french fries, diapers wedged under the seats and stinky soccer uniforms. It might still drive well, but it’s not fun anymore. The same thing can happen with our marriages. If we clean up messes as they happen, we’re investing in the long-term enjoyment of the relationship.  

In both cases, if it’s been years and the mess is still there, we might need the services of a professional to get things back in shape (a car detailer for the vehicle, or a therapist for the marriage).  

No matter how your marriage “smells,” here are some simple, practical ways to invest in your friendship and strengthen the emotional connection in your marriage: 

  • Never stop dating — and if you have, start up again. Talk about what you did for fun in the early years, then find a way to do similar things again. 
  • Schedule weekly time with each other before anything else. It’s easy for the urgencies of life to crowd out investing in your friendship, so schedule time with each other. Protect those appointments the way you would an important meeting with your boss. 
  • Dream together. Discuss how you’re both feeling about the future, then share your feelings without critiquing them. You’re not looking for immediate solutions or changes; you’re just reminding each other that you’re on the same team. 
  • Learn to listen deeply. When your spouse speaks, put your phone across the room, turn off the TV and give them direct eye contact. Ask questions to explore their thoughts. When they reply, say “Tell me more.”  
  • If you’re both readers, explore a book together. Read or listen to a chapter each week, and then go to a restaurant to talk about your reactions. Or maybe you’d rather listen to a podcast together. 
  • Stretch yourself. If your spouse wants to try something new, don’t automatically say no. Be willing to try most things at least once. 
  • Pull relationship weeds quickly. As soon as a problematic issue shows up, acknowledge it with each other. You don’t need to have the solution right away, but you need to get it out in the open. Don’t let the roots grow too deep. 
  • Get professional help when it’s needed. You wouldn’t try to do your own brain surgery, so don’t hesitate to reach out when it’s warranted. 
  • Find something that’s simply fun for both of you and do it regularly. Make fun a priority in your schedule.  
  • Celebrate your spouse’s successes and lift them up when they’re struggling. It’s a way of saying, “I’ve got your back.” It’s what friends do for each other, so it’s even more critical to do this for your spouse.

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.

Make friendship a priority

The German poet Goethe said, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” The longer you’ve been married, the more things will edge their way into your schedule and keep you apart from your spouse. They might be good things that seem to have real value; but if they get in the way of keeping the friendship with your spouse alive and growing, it’s time to review your options. 

Friendship is vital to building a world-class marriage and a strong emotional connection with your spouse. Don’t leave it to chance; make it a priority and pursue it with intention. Make your marriage fun again!

© 2022 Mike Bechtle. Used with permission. 

5 Ways to Build a Strong Family while Balancing Work and Studies

Last week, I found myself overwhelmed by a major work project. We had to set up engagement meetings for a launch next year, and I was also juggling final assignments for my semester—one on a complex topic I wasn’t familiar with.  

 On top of that, I was in the midst of applying for practicum sites for my counselling studies, while balancing time with my wife and young children at home. 

 Many readers may relate to the challenge of balancing multiple responsibilities. Some thrive on it, while others feel stretched, wondering if they’re doing enough for their families. Here, I share 5 lessons that have helped me find stability and purpose, even during life’s busiest times. 

“Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages.” 

1. Prioritise building strong family bonds  

I believe in the power of strong family bonds. Healthy family relationships provide essential emotional support, offering warmth and security that few other things in life can match. 

Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages. I’m grateful for how my wife listens to my frustrations, and I make it a point to do the same for her. During last week’s stressful period, her understanding gave me the perspective and strength I needed. 

Parenting can also be surprisingly comforting. Although it takes time and energy, our children’s affection can bring joy and ease our tensions. My son’s little notes, hugs, and gifts remind me of what truly matters in life. 

2. Extend support beyond your family 

These principles for building strong family connections can be extended to friendships and workplace relationships. Friendships, whether at work or elsewhere, can offer us support, especially in challenging times.  

Beyond our peers, open and respectful communication with our supervisors also fosters a healthy work environment. Last week, a helpful conversation with my supervisor gave me the support I needed on a project, and allowed me to deprioritise tasks that didn’t serve my goals. This freed my time up for other equally meaningful pursuits at home and in my studies. 

“Family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions.” 

3. Let go of perfection 

When we juggle multiple responsibilities, it’s unrealistic to expect a perfect outcome for every task. For instance, I learned that achieving straight A’s in my postgraduate studies wasn’t feasible while managing other commitments. Similarly, expecting endless emotional availability from myself or my family wasn’t reasonable, so I had to extend grace to my family members (and similarly receive the same from them too). 

 

4. Set realistic goals to prioritise what matters 

Adjusting our expectations is key to managing stress during intense periods at work and school. While excelling in our careers and studies is important, we should avoid compromising our core relationships in the pursuit of achievements.  

Knowing my values and committing to them helps me find balance. So for me, family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions at work and in my school.  

Ironically, releasing myself from the pressure to excel academically has improved my performance, as I became less anxious and more focused. 

As the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, Albert Ellis, once said, “People tend to disturb themselves with their ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s.” By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can focus on what truly matters and develop greater resilience for life. 

“Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons.” 

5. Tend to our own needs 

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of balancing life’s demands is ensuring our own needs are met. We wouldn’t expect a car to carry passengers and baggage if it’s out of fuel, yet we often overlook our own “fuel tanks.” Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons. 

How do we know if we’re meeting our needs effectively? William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, identifies five basic human needs: 

i. Love and belonging: The need for connection, affection, and acceptance from others. 

ii. Power: The need for achievement, competence, and recognition.   

iii. Freedom: The need for autonomy and the ability to make choices. 

iv. Fun: The need for enjoyment, play, and creativity.  

v. Survival: The basic need for physical health, safety, and security.  

 

Checking our need-o-meter can serve as a reminder to care for ourselves. We may start small, like rewarding ourselves with a nice meal after a busy week (meeting our fun and survival needs) or seeking alignment between our career and personal strengths (meeting our need for power and freedom). 

Remember, balance requires flexibility. By periodically assessing and meeting our needs, we can handle life’s demands with greater purpose and intentionality. 

 In season and out of season 

Nature teaches us valuable lessons about balance. Just as fruits thrive in their own seasons, and climates shift throughout the year, our lives also cycle through seasons of activity and rest.  

 We can’t sustain peak performance indefinitely without risking our most important relationships and well-being. Let’s prioritise what truly matters, invest in our support systems, and give ourselves the grace to adapt to life’s changing seasons. This way, we can emerge from each season with renewed strength and insight. 

Why are Boys’ and Girls’ Bodies Different?

Early years (0-3 Years) 

It is important that we teach our children from the get-go not to be ashamed of their own bodies. One way of doing this is to label body parts with proper terms, not nicknames. Teach your toddler that certain areas of their bodies are private and should not be shown or touched by anyone else other than trusted caregivers; even then, only under specific circumstances like shower time.  

If you have small kids of different sexes at home, there may be situations where your kids are in the shower together or the older child watches you change diapers of the younger. If they raise questions about the difference in anatomy, you can explain that boys and girls have different body parts because we were made to be different.  

You may think this is a small thing, but you are actually laying a foundation for open communication in your family about sex and relationships.   

Preschool years (4-6 Years) 

As they start pre-school and their world expands, your child may ask about body differences between boys and girls. Their language ability increases rapidly during this stage, so continue to use proper names.  

 While our children can be full of curious questions, their cognitive ability is still developing so keep your answers short and simple. Approaching it from science, you can point out that our bodies have different functions. For example, women have breasts that can provide milk for babies and their wombs are made for growing babies. 

 At school, they should also be taught to respect each other’s privacy when going to the toilet and during shower time. On your part, teach them the concept of self-respect which includes knowing how to protect their modesty, and how to say no to hugs or requests that make them uncomfortable.  

You may also want to take the opportunity to correct any unhelpful stereotypes your child might have picked up, e.g., “Boys cannot wear pink” or “Girls should not play soccer”.  

 We want to encourage the development of our children’s individual identity and interests, and help them grow to their full potential. 

Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the primary years, you can share more information about body differences as their thinking becomes more sophisticated. An easy way to do so is to look for a biology book with clear anatomical diagrams and explain what goes on inside our bodies in those parts that look different. 
 
Depending on your child’s maturity, you also may want to start introducing the word “sex” in your talks since it’s a word that they will probably hear about soon. You can explain that boys produce something called sperm in their bodies and women produce eggs called ova. When these two get together, that’s when there is a chance that a baby can be made! If you have a daughter, this is also a good age to start talking about puberty and periods.   
 
Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. As they grow and regardless of their sex, seize teachable moments to talk to them regularly about body safety and modesty.  
 
In a few short years, your child will be undergoing puberty and may become more self–conscious about their bodies. To prepare them for that teenage introspection, it is vital that we help him or her build a healthy body image. So, let’s celebrate their uniqueness and affirm their natural beauty.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more