Resource Type: Articles

‘I Felt Like I’d Lost Myself as a SAHM’

Even though I was living my Stay-At-Home-Mum (SAHM) lifelong dream, I was losing sense of who I was.  

I had always wanted to be a SAHM because my mum was one. She was a very capable mum who did everything on her own, as my dad was often working late nights. I wanted to be like her.     

But when I found out about my first pregnancy, I was shocked. I couldn’t accept it. I was not ready to have a kid so soon, as we were only married for 6 months then. 

“All my dreams about spending time with my husband before kids came – travelling and haivng lots of freedom – were gone.” 

I cried and got angry at us.  

Things only got better when I first felt the baby move. It brought a whole new sense of wonder that there was a life within me, depending on me and connecting with me through all his movements. It was just amazing!   
  
This helped me come to terms with my pregnancy. When I delivered and could now put a face to my baby’s name, I was able to push on with the mentality that “Alright, I’m a mum. I’m going to be a SAHM.”  

However, this energy did not last very long.   

When my second child came along and we moved to our new home, I pushed myself very hard as the household depended largely on me. My sense of fulfilment was seeping away, drastically.  

My husband was often busy with work which left me alone at home all day. It was also too hard to bring my young boys out. I could not bring myself to give up staying home because this was what I said I had wanted.   

These thoughts were constant echoes in my mind:   

“I’m just a SAHM trying to run the household and parent the boys.”   
“I’m just a work machine completing the same daily routines.”   
“I’m just attending to everyone’s needs except mine.” 

“Although people told me that I was much more than that, I struggled to believe it.“

1. My very real struggles 

It came to a point where I was crying every week in the shower, wondering to myself if this really was all there is to being a SAHM? I cried out to God asking if motherhood was really meant to be this hard and without joy.  

I can coach, teach, and train my kids, but I really struggle with playing at their level. During pretend play, I found it hard to imagine a storyline and role-play with them. I was dead tired after one story, but they kept wanting more. I was overwhelmed with frustration as I felt I didn’t have enough rest to keep sane the next day and needed alone time to recharge.  

My reality seemed so different from some SAHMs who looked like they were winning at motherhood. I knew I needed help to break out of this dark hole — believing there were mums like me — but no one was talking about it. I desired to hear from these mums to learn perspectives and practical handles to cope.  

 Life had to go on and I was exhausted being stuck in a rut.

2. Opening up

I decided to share my struggles on Instagram in hopes others would open up as well. This gave me opportunities to meet with mums who resonated with my struggles. And I knew I was no longer alone.   

One of them shared that I was a stay-at-home-mum and not a butler. She asked, “Wanxin, you did everything like your mum, but are you a happy mum?” This stopped me in my tracks and helped me reframe being a SAHM. It should be about my kids and not the endless list of chores.   

Another mum shared that there is no fixed definition of how a mum should be, much less a SAHM, and I need to walk through this process and make this journey mine. While there is an overwhelming amount of information telling us the “correct” or “best” way to parent our children, it reminded me to be selective and see what fits my family, not the other way round.  

I also asked my mum one day, “How did you do it all back then?” It was their culture at that time to serve their in-laws and live with them. So partly, she had no choice but to do it. To my surprise, she mentioned that she enjoyed cleaning and scrubbing every tile and grout to perfection.   

My mum also said she regretted not having enough time with us. If she had the choice, she would have wanted to plan how much time to spend with us versus doing chores. I had misunderstood things all along… Cleaning to such high standards was her preference, not something I should expect of myself!  

Through these conversations, I’m slowly understanding the kind of mum I am.   

Gaining understanding of my own journey has put me in discovery-training mode now.

“I’m letting go of some expectations that I had placed on myself.”

3. Focusing on small wins

I’m learning to set goals and set aside time for myself. In the morning, I’ll change out of my pyjamas and dress in something I like. I try to eat, rest well and do what I enjoy (like pilates). I’m working towards finding more joy in this season I am in.  

I also affirm and encourage myself: You did well today. Your son needed to hear that, and you said that to him. You were very tired, but respected your body and didn’t force yourself to finish that household chore.  

I may not enjoy chores, but I enjoy cooking for my boys and feel appreciated when they say, “I love your food, Mama!” Now, I try to prioritise connecting and listening to what my boys are saying, and not get distracted. I’m working towards finding a balance between taking care of my family and myself, so that I can be a happy and fulfilled mum.  

If I could encourage myself today, I would tell myself: Motherhood is unique and personal, there is no mould to fit into — no comparison, no competition, no condemnation.   

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Growing Trust Through the Teenage Years

How do we build trust in our relationships with our children? How do you keeping trusting your kids after they’ve messed up? Is fear motivating you to control your kids’ behaviour? 

As our children grow older and forge their identities through independence, it can be hard to keep the bond of trust. Yet we have to keep trying because trust in a relationship is what provides safety and respect.  

Mother-daughter duo Jenni Ho-Huan and Abby share with us their stories and tips on how to cement their bond of trust.  

Explain the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ 

Time is needed to build trust. Abby, who’s in her third year of university, said that she learnt to keep trusting her parents through the repeated conversations they’ve had over the years. 
 
“For example, when we were younger and Mum wanted us to do something like our 10pm curfew and I was like, ‘oh, my friends’ curfew is 11pm’, but Mum always explained why. It was never like ‘because I said so’ but they explained the why behind the what.” 
 
The way her parents separated the issue from the person also helped Abby learn that being corrected does not mean her parents think badly of her as a person but instead, they were merely correcting the behaviour.  
 
So, when trust is broken because of certain wrong actions, consequences are given through lots of thoughtful communication. 
 
“So it’s not that you inherently are a bad child,” said the eldest child.  
 
Jenni tries to have pockets of time daily to think through what she wants to say to her child and how to say it. 
 
Pulling back and processing has helped her approach conversations clearly and intentionally so that it goes “better than me saying 10,000 things and none of them makes sense.”

Apologise when we get it wrong

Parents can also default to the mode of “we know better”. However, as our kids grow into teens, we have to help them grow by actually listening to them, giving weight to their opinions and apologising when we get it wrong.  
 
Abby learnt how to apologise by watching her parents do so. She recalled, “Being willing to apologise is a big deal. One of my memories is when my dad got upset and I think he raised his voice and maybe I looked scared so he came to my room, apologised and explained why he got upset and how he felt. That set an example for me to own my mistakes.” 
 
Learning to listen well also helps avoid incidents like this. As Abby shared, “[My parents’ willingness to listen] lets us have a space to share our own lives and it encourages us to share the things we are processing, our hopes and fears so that creates emotional intimacy. So even when it gets hard, there’s emotional reserves, and when conflict occurs or when push comes to shove, you still know your parents love you.” 

Keep up the ‘communication habit’

According to Jenni, developing the “communication habit” to stay in connection with one another is critical. 

“When the kids were small, there may be times when we have to intrude into their space and they may get irritated but you have to trust that your love is getting to them somehow. You have to make sure you get into the fray or you go back to the room to say I am sorry,” said Jenni.  
 
She explained that it has to be a connection of the heart so that even as a child, they know we have their backs and are more open to communicate.   
 
Jenni likens every year of parenting to be like reaching another “clearing in a forest” where you never been before, and it brings new things to talk about. So the intentional reaching out to connect has to be done constantly. 
 
The mother of three, who’s also the author of a kids book named “Simple Tips for Happy Kids,” also consciously works on growing her own self-awareness and gaining clarity on what’s important.   
 
“I have to be clear on what is important to me as a parent, what are my non-negotiables, realising my non-negotiables has to take into consideration that I am raising a child in a different generation, different context,” she explained.  

Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world. 

Develop situational awareness

Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world.  
 
“These days, 10-year-old kids know about the war in Ukraine… last time, when we were 10, we were ‘blur blur’ but they have all these information to navigate and I think it can create this fog that makes it harder to connect. Sometimes it’s not that your child doesn’t trust you, but their world is a different world.” 
 
Jenni advises that we continue pursuing their hearts even if they don’t seem receptive at first. We also have to be aware of our own fears and motivation.  

We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.

“All parents have irrational fears… we can imagine that one bad habit they are doing now is going to mark their lives.” 
 
Jenni shared that these fears can propel us to be anxious, something she experienced herself with her son who did not thrive in the mainstream school system. 
 
“The turning point for me was when I realised I was trying to over-plan his life too much. But my role is not to ensure his journey has no road bumps.” 
 
So part of the journey of building trust with our kids is not letting our emotions push us to control their behaviour or the outcomes of their decision. As we grow as parents and put in the hard yards to communicate and connect in season and out of season, we can one day see the fruit of that bond of trust.  
 
And even if you didn’t grow up with that yourself, be encouraged that you can still break the cycle to start a new story for your family.  
 
As Jenni so wisely said, “We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.” 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Commentary: SexEd That Develops Sexual Intelligence in Youth

There has been much discussion about what kind of sexuality education youth should receive. More specifically, the question of whether they should be taught premarital abstinence or the use of contraception constantly comes under the spotlight, and these days, the debate has also turned towards the issue of consent and gender identity.

Some believe that youth should only be educated to reserve sexual activity for marriage, and worry that teaching young people about contraception would make them more likely to have sex prematurely (i.e. Abstinence-Only Sexuality Education). Others are of the opinion that youth are going to be sexually active anyway and must be guided on how to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy and protect themselves from sexually-transmitted diseases; thereby viewing abstinence-only education as unrealistic and out of step with the times (i.e. Safe Sex or Comprehensive Sexuality Education).

A thoughtful approach to this issue should take into foremost consideration the target audience of sexuality education: the youth themselves.

The developmental needs of youth

1. The youth brain needs time to be fully developed

Studies have shown that the human brain will only complete its development between the ages of 25 and 30. Our children thus do not yet have the neurobiological capacity to make fully mature or wise decisions until their mid-twenties, simply because their limbic system (the emotional brain) is much more developed than their pre-frontal cortex (the rational brain)1.

In the face of emotions and desires that they experience powerfully during adolescence, teenagers are likely to not be able to accurately assess risks and anticipate the consequences of their actions2. When they find themselves in emotionally charged situations, their more mature limbic system tends to win over their (presently) less developed pre-frontal control system, and this increases the likelihood of them engaging in risky behaviour3.

2. Youth need input from parents and trusted mentors

Due to their neurobiological development, young people need the help of parents and teachers or trusted adults to learn how to make rational decisions through repeated, clear and consistent guidance4. Parents, in particular, should be the primary people to teach their children sexuality education, according to their own family values (which includes faith traditions, if any). This is in line with one of the Ministry of Education’s 6 Guiding Principles of Sexuality Education5.

Parents have the best interests of their children at heart, understand what their kids are ready to learn about, and are best placed to initiate and sustain ongoing conversations with them on sexuality in the context of a safe parent-child relationship. Contrary to popular belief, in a local survey of 5,122 young people, around 80% of them cited that parents should be the primary source of sexuality education, above school (7%), the Internet (1%) and friends (1%), even though only 15% reported personally experiencing it6.
 

3. Youth need the good of peer influence

Peers can also have a significant impact on youth sexual behaviour—for good or ill. Studies have found that students with friends who use substances or alcohol tend to increase their use, but those who participated in peer-led programmes to reduce substance or alcohol use are more likely to decrease their use7 8. The same applies to sexual behaviour. In fact, youth who perceive that their peers are engaging in sexual activity are more likely to do so themselves9, with their first sexual encounter happening at a younger age10. This link between youth’s perception of their peers’ sexual behaviour and their own sexual behaviour holds true, especially for boys, across different cultures11.

Understanding brain development, it is not surprising that teenagers experience more social anxiety about feeling left out (in teen speak: “FOMO” or Fear Of Missing Out”) or not belonging, and they may behave in certain ways in order to avoid that feeling. As they become more self-aware at this stage, they also worry more about what others think about them, which can lead them to be more vulnerable to certain type of negative influences2.

The need for youth-centric sexuality education

Since adolescents tend to find it more difficult than adults to make logical decisions in the midst of strong emotions and desires, how can sexuality education help young people avoid having their powerful sexual feelings lead them to make choices they later regret?

In view of youth’s developmental needs, the type of sexuality education that best serves them is one that can equip them — together with their community of peers — with age-appropriate information and handles. Youth-centric sexuality education should be geared toward developing sexual intelligence in young people, so that they are empowered to make smart sexual decisions that benefit them and others, both in the short-term and the long run. In fact, sexuality education that enables them to postpone their first sexual encounter to a later age, when they can fully understand the consequences of their decisions, would produce better outcomes for young people.

Teaching contraception and consent in sexuality education

Teach the realistic and holistic truth about condoms

Those who advocate teaching youth to use contraception are concerned about protecting them from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancies. Taking the most common contraception – condoms, how effective is this approach?

How effective are condoms?

  • There are, at best, conflicting findings on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing STIs and unintended pregnancies12 13.
  • While correct and consistent use of condoms provides a high level of protection against most STIs, this is not typical of real-life situations. Condom usage errors, breakages and slippages are common worldwide, occurring in as many as 40% of sexual encounters14.
  • When it comes to HIV transmission, consistent condom usage with the same partner provides only around 71-77% protection15.
  • Because condoms cannot cover all infected areas of the body, they do not protect against STIs that spread through skin-to-skin contact, such as syphilis, herpes, human papillomavirus (to which the World Health Organization attributes nearly all cases of cervical cancer 16), genital warts, molluscum contagiosum virus, chancroid, etc.
  • While correct and consistent use of condoms are 98% effective in preventing unintended pregnancies, imperfect real-life condom usage yields only about 82–85% effectiveness. That means that there is around 15–18% pregnancy rate even with the use of condoms14 17.

So will intentionally teaching youth how to use condoms ensure their consistent and correct usage, or does it have the unintended effect of encouraging them to engage in risky sexual behaviour due to their underdeveloped pre-frontal lobes? There is a phenomena called risk compensation: people tend to lower their guard and are more willing to engage in risky behaviour when they believe that their risk has been reduced by technology18. For example, people who use sunscreen tend to stay longer in the sun19 and traffic-related deaths increased after compulsory seatbelt laws were introduced20. A feeling of one’s vulnerability being lowered leads to a rise in careless behaviour.

Similarly, sexuality education that has an emphasis in promoting condom usage can inadvertently increase—instead of decrease— sexual activity (including multiple sexual partners) and unprotected sexual exposure (due to inconsistent and incorrect, or “careless”, usage) among youth21 22. It has been found that up to 1 in 3 young men in Singapore chose not to use condoms mainly due to the reduced pleasure they experienced23.

In other words, sexuality education that focuses on contraception use, coupled with youth’s lower ability to assess risk accurately, can lead to youths:

  • having sex earlier
  • having more sexual partners
  • engaging in more risky sexual behaviour
  • experiencing an increased risk of contracting STIs
  • facing a higher likelihood of sex resulting in unintended pregnancies

On the other hand, there are those who advocate for sexuality education that excludes any mention of condoms, out of concern that teaching youths about condoms encourages them to have sex. We need to acknowledge that in this digital age when most youth can access all kinds of information from social media and online platforms that are hard to regulate or censor, it is highly likely that they would already receive some kind of information about condoms – whether or not it is accurate or holistic.

Thus, it is only responsible to fully inform youth of these facts about contraception:

  1. Even correct and consistent usage do not guarantee 100% protection against STI transmissions or unintended pregnancies.

  2. Imperfect condom usage is not uncommon, even among adults, so what more among inexperienced youth users who are already neurobiologically not as able to make fully rational choices, especially when they are caught up in the heat of sexually-charged moments.

This should cause us to rethink sexuality education that focuses on contraception use.

It is noteworthy that, instead of condom promotion, 150 global AIDS experts came together to advocate for an evidence-based approach to prevent HIV/AIDS transmission by adopting the A-B-C method: Abstain, Be faithful/reduce partners, use Condoms22, in that order.

Teach proper consent informed by values

Proponents of teaching youth how to use contraception in sexuality education often also advocate for consent education, especially given the recent rise of sexual assault cases in the news. Consent education assumes that when more young people understand what informed consent means and how to respect their partner’s verbalised boundaries, this will mitigate instances in which the sexual boundaries are coercively transgressed.

While teaching youth about informed consent is important, it is insufficient in itself.

A behaviour does not become beneficial to youth simply because all the parties involved consent to it. In the complex dynamics of relationships and real-life situations, it is not unthinkable to agree to something even against one’s better judgement. Considering adolescents’ (lack of) neurobiological capacity for making rational decisions, assessing risks and predicting the consequences of their actions as well as their anxiety-driven desire for acceptance and belonging, teenagers may all the more find themselves consenting to participate in something that is not objectively good for them nor for their partner.

Effective consent education thus needs to factor in an objective benchmark by which to assess whether a behaviour is positive or harmful—and that makes teaching of values an indispensable part of any sexuality education that considers youth’s holistic well-being. Sexual decision-making should include factual information about healthy emotional, physical and psychological boundaries, based on universal virtues of integrity, love and respect (for self and others) as well as character traits of self-regulation, responsibility and resilience. Furthermore, it ought to include parental rights to educate their children about sexual decisions and boundaries according to their family and faith values.

Teaching abstinence in sexuality education

1. Sexual abstinence is research-informed
What, then, is the more responsible approach: teaching youth risk reduction (until they have the ability to fully understand their actions) or risk elimination (given their current developmental stage)? An evidence-based youth-centric approach to sexuality education entails informing youth that abstaining from all sexual activity (until marriage) is the 100% safest and most effective way to protect themselves from the negative physical, emotional, and psychological consequences of adolescent sexual activity.

2. Sexual abstinence is responsible
At a time of their lives when young people are not yet fully capable of accurately assessing risk and anticipating consequences, they should be taught to avoid risk rather than to reduce risk.Intoxicated people are not completely able to make rational decisions because their executive functions have been impaired by the effects of alcohol. Is it safer for them—and others—to teach them how to wear seatbelts properly while driving (risk reduction) or to instruct them to not drive at all (risk elimination)? To be sure, they should be made aware of seatbelts, but the more responsible thing to do is to educate them to not get behind the steering wheel if they wish to drink. As adults—parents and/or educators—it is our responsibility to ensure our children/youth avoid sexual risk altogether. They are too precious for us to allow them to take a gamble with their lives and sexual well-being.

3. Sexual abstinence is relevant
As mental health challenges faced by youth in Singapore today are on the rise24, abstinence has never been a more important and sexually intelligent choice for youth. It is not only a foolproof way to prevent STIs and pregnancies, it also safeguards young people’s emotional and mental well-being.

Sexual activity and mental wellness

  • Teenage sexual activity has been found to be an independent risk factor for developing poor self-esteem, major depression, and attempting suicide25.
  • Compared to sexually abstinent girls, sexually active girls were three times as likely to suffer from depression and to have attempted suicide26.
  • Compared to sexually abstinent boys, sexually active boys were more than twice as likely to suffer from depression and seven times more likely to have attempted suicideibid..
  • 67% of girls and 53% of boys regretted becoming sexually active too early27. Sexual regret has been associated with negative psychological outcomes, like loss of life satisfaction, loss of self-worth and depression28.

The chemicals released in the brain during sexual activity create emotional bonds between sexual partners, and breaking these bonds can lead to depression and make it more difficult for them to bond with someone else, like their spouse, in future26.

Despite divorce being on the rise, young people in Singapore still have high aspirations towards marriage and family formation with 83% indicating that they intend to marry29 and around 35% citing getting married and having children as important life goals30. Youth should therefore be informed that sexual abstinence until marriage can increase their chances of experiencing a better quality of life and stronger quality of marriage.

Sexual abstinence and future marriage

  • Compared to those who had sex with other people before marriage, men and women who only had sex with the person they married reported higher quality of marriage31.
  • For women, in particular, the more sexual partners they had before marriage, the less happy they reported their marriage to beibid.
  • Compared to couples who had sex early on in their relationship, couples who waited until marriage to have sex reported higher relationship quality and satisfaction, better sexual quality and better communication.32

4. Sexual abstinence is realistic

There are some who find sexual abstinence an archaic concept and purport that teaching youth to abstain until marriage is unrealistic, whether because of hormones, family background, situational circumstances or previous experience. However, the facts suggest otherwise.

  • Well-designed and well-implemented abstinence education programmes have been found to result in delayed sexual initiation, reduced early sexual activity33, and significant long-term decrease in teenage sexual activity34
  • Sexually experienced young men in Singapore who went through an abstinence and safer sex intervention programme were twice as likely than those who did not attend the programme to report being able to exercise better self-control and abstain from sexual activity by practising the strategies they learnt23.

Consistent with studies in America, a local study found that students in Singapore tend to overestimate their peers’ sexual permissiveness, with the sexually active students using this misperception of the prevalence of sexual activity among their peers to justify their own sexual permissiveness; actually, most respondents held sexually conservative attitudes35. In other words, sexual abstinence may be more of a norm than we think and a more realistic expectation of youth sexual attitudes and behaviours.

Focus on the Family worldwide has in the past 2 decades reached millions with the A-B-C approach to sexuality education that emphasises and prioritises abstinence, and continues to be welcomed in communities by both youth and parents/educators. For youth who have been previously sexually active, helping them to live out a (re)commitment to sexual abstinence can be very empowering and provide a newfound sexual freedom.

Conclusion

In determining the best approach to sexuality education today, we need to evaluate what best develops sexual intelligence in our young. Sexuality education that is research-informed, responsible, relevant and realistic for youth is one that takes into account their developmental stage and needs, so that they can be given the best age-appropriate handles to make sexually intelligent decisions. It entails giving them the full information on abstinence, consent, and contraception, while teaching them to take the approach of risk avoidance or elimination. Such an approach ultimately conduces to the best outcomes for the short- and longer-term health and well-being of our children.

References:

  1. The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell Us about Our Kids (2004)
  2. That teenage feeling (2007)
  3. The adolescent brain (2008)
  4. Abstinence education (2014)
  5. Sexuality education: Overview
  6. Whole Life Inventory (2016–2018)
  7. Peer Participation in Project Northland: A Community‐Wide Alcohol Use Prevention Project (1994)
  8. Peer acceleration: effects of a social network tailored substance abuse prevention program among high‐risk adolescents (2007)
  9. Adolescent Susceptibility to Peer Influence in Sexual Situations (2016)
  10. Perceived Peer Behavior and the Timing of Sexual Debut in Rwanda: A Survival Analysis of Youth Data (2004)
  11. Meta-analysis of the relations between three types of peer norms and adolescent sexual behaviour (2014)
  12. Abstinence education (2014)
  13. Effectiveness of condoms in preventing sexually transmitted infections (2004)
  14. Condom use errors and problems: a global view (2012)
  15. Condom effectiveness in reducing heterosexual HIV transmission: a systematic review and meta-analysis of studies on HIV serodiscordant couples (2015)
  16. Human papillomavirus (HPV) and cervical cancer (2019)
  17. Condom Use by Adolescents (2013)
  18. Rethinking AIDS Prevention: Learning from Successes in Developing Countries (2003)
  19. Risk compensation: the Achilles’ heel of innovations in HIV prevention? (2006)
  20. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12648903_Condoms_and_seat_belts_The_parallels_and_the_lessons (2000)
  21. Increasing condom use without reducing HIV risk: results of a controlled community trial in Uganda (2005)
  22. The time has come for common ground on preventing sexual transmission of HIV (2004)
  23. Randomized controlled trial of abstinence and safer sex intervention for adolescents in Singapore: 6-month follow-up (2017)
  24. National Youth Council’s Y+ e-newsletter – Youths & Mental Health (2019)
  25. Adolescent depression and suicide risk: association with sex and drug behavior (2004)
  26. Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children (2008)
  27. With One Voice 2012: America’s Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy (2012)
  28. Risky business: Is there an association between casual sex and mental health among emerging adults? (2014)
  29. Marriage and Parenthood Survey (2016)
  30. The State of Youth in Singapore (2017)
  31. Before “I Do”: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults? (2014)
  32. Couples who delay having sex get benefits later, study suggests (2010)
  33. Abstinence Education: Assessing the Evidence (2008)
  34. “Abstinence” or “Comprehensive” Sex Education?— The Mathematica Study in Context (2007)
  35. Pluralistic Ignorance About Sex: The Direct and the Indirect Effects of Media Consumption on College Students’ Misperception of Sex-Related Peer Norms (2007)

© 2020 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Teenage transition is one of the most exciting yet challenging periods of life, with many physical, mental and emotional changes. In particular, teens start to mature sexually. As parents, how do we help them through this major life transition? Join our interest list for the Relational Health & Sexual Intelligence webinar—and get equipped to converse with your child about sexuality for their long-term relational health.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
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Why is Pornography So Addictive?

As is usually the case with all addictions, no one really starts with a plan to get addicted. It could be a case of curiosity, peer pressure, or stumbling upon something by accident.

We tend to associate addictions with the consumption of chemical substances, such as alcohol and narcotics, perhaps because the law draws clear and strict boundaries on their abuse. But studies are showing a new type of narcotics that is equally, if not more, potent: Pornography. According to a neuroscience study published by Dr Valerie Voon from the University of Cambridge, a brain imaging scan of a porn addict is strikingly similar to that of a drug addict’s. This should raise alarm bells for us parents.

There is no denying the powerful lure of and appetite for pornography, across all demographics. The explosive growth in revenue of the porn industry in the last decade testifies to this. So it begets the question, why is pornography so addictive? To understand this for the sake of our children, we need to get to the bottom of push and pull factors.

For Tween (10-12 years), Teen (13-15 years) and Emerging Years (16-19 years)

1. The pervasiveness of porn (pull)

To understand how pervasive porn is, we need to first know what it looks and sounds like. The common definition of porn, according to Merriam Webster dictionary, is: A depiction that is intended to cause sexual arousal or excitement. While it is subjective what exactly causes sexual arousal or excitement, we don’t have to look very hard to see that we are, in fact, surrounded by images, sounds, and messages that are consistent with the aims of porn:

  • An advertisement for Calvin Klein underwear at the mall.
  • A twerking performance on a display TV set in a common electrical appliance store.

If your child is plugged into the Internet, this prevalence becomes more pronounced. There are countless websites streaming pornographic content that are free for any user to access anonymously, without age restrictions.

Even if you have set up powerful filters on your child’s device, your child may know someone whose parents have not done the same and may be looking to share their unfiltered access with others. Regardless of one’s circumstances, the sheer prevalence of porn makes it challenging for anyone, not just our children, to resist the urge to indulge in it.

2. Our brain’s reward circuit (pull)

Do you know why it’s so hard to resist porn once you begin consuming it? This is due to dopamine, a neurochemical released in the brain that feeds our brain’s reward circuit and forms an addiction pathway that reinforces the behaviour over time.

“Think of the brain as a forest where trails are worn down by hikers who walk along the same path over and over again, day after day. The exposure to pornographic images creates similar neural pathways that, over time, become more and more “well-paved” as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography.”
– Morgan Bennett, author of The New Narcotic.

An experiment carried out on a rat shows that when the brain’s reward circuit is hijacked by unusually elevated levels of dopamine, it will keep seeking the desired behavior (in this case, pressing the lever) at the expense of other needs such as food and mating.

Granted, humans are not entirely like rats. However, in both scenarios, the brain is wired to reinforce rewarding behaviors (such as eating and drinking) so that there is a higher chance of survival. This very same system unfortunately also works against us (in the form of addiction) if we subject it to an overstimulation of dopamine, which porn is very capable of doing.

3. Underlying issues (push)

Addiction usually masks underlying issues that are unresolved, such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, loneliness, rejection and so on. We know that our children face multiple stresses in life, such as: difficulty making friends at school, being bullied, and struggling with learning.

These stressors can cause them to crave an escape, or a quick-fix to the negative emotions they are feeling, especially if they have not yet learnt healthy coping mechanisms.

Teenagers may experience this even more because of the life stage they are in – still figuring out their identity, dealing with hormonal changes in their body causing mood swings, and so on.

As dysfunctional as porn is as a coping mechanism, the instant rush of dopamine that comes with the activity is so rewarding that it keeps them coming back for more.

4. Tendency to keep it in the dark (pull)

The sense of shame that comes with porn use often keeps our children from talking to us about it. Yet, the more they choose to navigate this alone, the more likely they are to sink deeper into porn addiction.

On their own, they are simply no match for the brain’s hardwiring for dopamine. Without accountability and our loving support, they are more likely to relapse at some point, even if they were trying to put a stop to their porn use.

Add to this the permanence of pornographic images in our brain’s memory – unlike chemical substances, they cannot be metabolized out of the body’s system. These lingering images can continue to fuel the addictive cycle.

Let’s remind our children that we have their best interests at heart, and that they can come to us for help regardless of how big or complex their problems are.

Now that we have a better understanding of why pornography is so addictive, we can better position ourselves to defend their minds against it – by being a powerfully loving and supportive presence in their lives.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Redefine Success and Raise a Happier Child

The saying goes that in life, failure is guaranteed but success is not.  
 
But is that true?  
 
What if navigating failure well is actually the key to success? 
 
“If success is the end goal and failure is not an option, then everyone who falls between the cracks will not be able to move on when things don’t go the way they planned it,” said life coach Matthew Zachary Liu.  
 
In a 2019 global survey by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), Singapore students topped the globe in their fear of failure.  
 
3 in 4 students said they are afraid of failure and 78% agreed that when they fail, it makes them doubtful for their future. 
 
How can we help our youth overcome this stressful mindset? Drawing from his work with youth and families, Matthew shared some pivotal changes we can make.

1. Stop unhealthy competition

For our kids to overcome the fear of failure, parents must first evaluate if they too have the same fear and are stuck in a needlessly competitive mindset.

“The competitive nature of society in Singapore trickles down from parent to child,” said Matthew. 

This can be seen in how parents even feel pressure for their toddlers to meet milestones for walking and talking and how they need to get their preschoolers to read and write. As the children grow older, this internalised stress to strive continues.

“Even if it’s not explicit, the kids feel like their parents want them to get a certain grade or go to a certain school,” he said.

So, parents, let’s be honest – Are you competitive about achievements because you believe success has to be defined by excelling in academics and milestones? Are you afraid of your kids being “left behind” when they don’t do well?  

What can we do to stop unhealthy or excessive competition?

How we define success affects our relationship with our children.

2. Redefine success 

Growing up with a Korean mother, Matthew shared that he had to deal with very high academic expectations throughout his childhood.  
 
“For Koreans, things like university entry can be life and death so it’s another level compared to Singapore!”  
 
He realised his mother merely adopted her own parents’ strict parenting style to mother him and challenges parents to re-evaluate how they parent.  
 
This is especially vital since the narrative of success is changing for this generation.  
 
Whereby a successful life previously meant pursuing careers in law, medicine and engineering, Matthew observed that our young generation now wants different career paths.  
 
“A kid may want to be a YouTuber, which is now a viable career but the parent may not be able to accept it,” he shared.  
 
Yet, even in schools, there is an increasing emphasis on acknowledging different strengths and passions. So, why are parents not also doing the same?  
 
“What the schools are doing and what parents believe in need to meet in the middle. It’s shifting and parents need to evolve as well.” 
 
How we define success affects our relationship with our children.  
 
“If a child comes back from a test and didn’t do well and a parent’s reaction is, ‘I spent so much money on tuition, and you still didn’t do well,’ then children may learn to hide their failures because they feel like they have disappointed their parents.” 
 
Such hiding of failures and mistakes is ultimately not helpful to the child or to the parent, as it may lead to the concealing of other behaviours in order to avoid displeasing their parents.

3. Partner to win 

When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.  

“You want the best for your kid, it’s perfectly valid but you need to ask them: What do you want and how can I help you? It’s a journey best taken together.  

“If the child has a different definition of success and the parent has a different definition, but they know they have a safe place, they can meet in the middle and they will know that disagreements and failures are not the end of the road,” shared Matthew.  

Sharing from his coaching experience, Matthew noticed that often, the happiest students are those with average grades but have consistent parental support at home.  

“When I ask them ‘Hey, how are things at home?’, they often say, ‘Oh It’s good, my parents spend a lot of time with me.’ They grow up okay even though they are not the best students in school.” 

However, on either end of the spectrum, he found that students with the worst grades are often not getting parental support and students with the best grades often spend most of their time in tuition and enrichment classes.

He described the latter group as “conditioned to be competitive and surrounded by high performers. If they don’t do well, they feel very embarrassed,” he added.  

When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.  

Partnering with our kids to win in life include developing an awareness of the messages our actions are sending. 
 
Parental support remains a key last line of defence when things go wrong. “If our children don’t feel like they can come to us, then we have lost our position as a safe place for them.”  
 
“If you decide to bring a child to the world, you need to commit the time,” said Matthew, “and the key is to start those meaningful conversations, even if you are not sure how.”  
 
“Parents need to put down the phone and start talking. It’s practice, right? if you start, it gets better.” 
 
“Home is where real conversations need to happen.”

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

If you have been finding your parenthood journey tough-going, and need some new tools to help build a stronger relationship with your child), reach out to us here. 

SAHM or FTWM, Love is a Decision

What does it mean to focus on the family? Can a full-time working mum who comes home past dinner feeling tired and worn out focus on her family? Can a jet-setting dad that sees more flight cabin crew than his own children focus on his family? 

I believe the answer is yes. Yes! Busy parents can be family-focused. They can prioritise family first and give their best to their family. Yes! But: for them to do so, isn’t easy. In fact, it is extremely difficult. But, possible! Yes, possible! 

Would it be easier for mums to quit their jobs and focus on staying at home and bringing up the kids? Would it be easier for them to find part-time employment with flexibility? 

1. The different seasons 

I have actually been through all these seasons: I was a full-time homemaker for three years, a part-timer with flexibility for twelve years, and in the past three years, I’ve become a full-time working mum. 

You would think that having experienced all kinds of work-life arrangements, I could tell you which arrangement is the best. Yet, frankly speaking, it is difficult for me to come to any clear conclusion. 

Every season came with struggles, sacrifices and challenges. Concurrently, every season also brought joys, rewards and growth. 

For example, when I was a full-time homemaker, I struggled with the repetitive, mundane work that I did at home. I couldn’t wait for my husband to come home so that I had someone to talk to, as well as someone to pass my son to, so that someone else could deal with the incessant babbling and crying. 

As a part-timer with flexibility, I struggled with juggling everything. At one workplace, my employer adopted an attitude of “as long as she doesn’t complain, let’s keep giving her more work”. I was supposed to be part-time, but ended up with a full-time load on part-time pay! 

These were also the years when my kids had entered primary school and in order to save money on tuition fees, I became my kids’ full-time tuition teacher. All these part-time-but-actually-full-time “jobs” conspired to make me feel partly-and-also-fully overwhelmed at times! 

And now, as a full-time working mum, I struggle with being stuck in long, meaningless meetings, and having no headspace to plan a fun weekend activity for the family or simply research a new recipe to cook with my kids. 

Every season came with struggles, sacrifices and challenges. Concurrently, every season also brought joys, rewards and growth. 

2. Discovering the joys

So far, I have only shared my struggles. But there were definitely joys at each stage too! I have so many more anecdotes and tales to tell of my kids growing up, because I was with them when they were young. Because I spent a lot of time with them in the early days,  we are very close and connected, and I am blessed that my two teen sons talk to me and confide in me, sometimes even seeking me out for comfort when they feel like crying. 

During my daughter’s PSLE year, we spent an inordinate amount of time taking walks all around Singapore. It was as if she had been bitten by a walking bug. We would drive out to all sorts of neighbourhoods to walk, chit chat, and explore Singapore.  

It was stress-relieving and bonding at the same time, and a great way to “walk” my youngest child through her first high-stakes exam. And all this was enabled by the fact that I had a flexible work arrangement and was able to be home for her some weekday afternoons. 

And now, as a full-time working mum, there is the joy of being able to converse with the kids about working life, sharing with them life values as I encounter inspiring people or deal with difficult personalities and work requirements that require a great deal of stamina and resilience. 

In whatever season you find yourself in, in whatever work-life arrangement, focusing on the family is a decision you will have to make. 

3. Balancing it out 

In summary, there are ups and downs in every work-life arrangement. And there is no perfect balance and no perfect season. And thus, this brings me to my conclusion. 

Instead of asking which work-life arrangement is the best, and wondering if we would focus more on the family if we changed this or that about our work-life balance, we could be thinking differently. Here is the important part: Love is a decision. 

What this means is this: In whatever season you find yourself in, in whatever work-life arrangement, focusing on the family is a decision you will have to make. It is a decision, meaning it is intentional. It will require commitment of thought and action, and it will require sacrifice. 

You can expect struggles, sacrifices and challenges. But you can also look forward to joys, rewards and growth. It is always going to be a decision. It is always going to be extremely difficult. And it is always going to be possible. 

That is what I have learnt having experienced all kinds of work-life arrangements. It is neither better nor worse in any season, since every season is not perfect and has its set of pluses and minuses. In fact, I would say heartily that every season is extremely difficult.  

What remains is this: Love is a decision. Decide now to focus on your family, and do it to the best of your ability in whatever season you find yourself in now. It is possible. Yes, it is! 

 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.