Resource Type: Articles

Identifying Burnout Before It’s Too Late

Is it stress? Is it just a tiring season that’s not yet ending? Or is it burnout? For Sharon Ow, full-time working mother of two, a busy life was the only normal she knew. She was the type of person who enjoyed doing many things, and who even relished feeling tired from doing many things. So when she was diagnosed with burnout, it was a reality check. “I felt like I had suddenly fallen off the cliff,” she described.

More than stress

While many people may mistake stress for burnout or use the terms interchangeably, medical burnout is an actual medical condition that can result in serious consequences.

How do we tell the difference?

It’s impossible to avoid stress, explained Sharon but one can avoid getting burnt out.

She described her experience with burnout as a time when she “just couldn’t get out of bed and get through the day.”

“I had panic attacks, once when I was driving. It made me seek help and ask what was going on in my life. At first, I thought I was having a heart attack but as I sought help, I realised I was burnt out, I was depleted.”

It has been over a year since her first panic attack, but Sharon now realises that even though it felt sudden, she had probably been headed towards burnout for quite some time.

“Just like how you don’t immediately grow your muscles, you don’t reach burnout so quickly,” she said.

She went on to explain that the early warning signals would look different for each person. And for her, it was quite generic things like getting tired more often than normal, disrupted sleep, and getting more irritable easily.

Frequently experiencing such symptoms can be like the amber light at a traffic junction, signalling you to stop and evaluate if you are just going through a stressful period or if these signs are pointing to something more.

Even though it felt sudden, she had probably been headed towards burnout for quite some time.

We can also get blindsided by how much we enjoy doing many things.

As Sharon shared, “I love hospitality. I love having people over, I love making food, making the home look nice, bringing different groups of people together. Even though I enjoy doing these things, overdoing it can lead to burnout as well because it adds to everything else.

“One of the ah-ha moments for me was that getting burnout was not just about work, or doing things you don’t like… It can also be from things that you genuinely enjoy.”

The super-mum myth

Sharon, who works in the people development business, feels that parents can sometimes push ourselves to our own detriment.

“It’s easy to just get on with it because everyone is busy. I am not the only parent who’s working and managing home and community, so who am I to take pity on myself? On hindsight, I realise I didn’t know how to rest and recuperate.”

Terms like “super-mum” may also unintentionally push us to feel like we must have it all when we all have different circumstances, aspirations and capacity.

Resilience is also not just about pushing through challenges.

“When you talk about resilience, it’s not just the doing aspect but the resting aspect too,” she said. Thus, making space for rest prevents us from reaching the tipping point.

In her recovery period, Sharon learnt more about different kinds of rest. “There’s more than one rest. There’s physical, emotional, sensory, spiritual, mental, creative.”

Recognising what you need helps you scratch the itch where it is.

She cited the example of her two daughters. The younger likes hugs and physical touch, while the elder likes conversations and is more cerebral. So if she has had a day of very cerebral work and has to interact with the elder daughter, she may feel more taxed. “This is because I am already tapped out in that area and it has nothing to do with her,” she explained.

So it is important for us to grow in self-awareness and to figure out which aspect of you is running dry and needs attention and recuperation.

 

Making space for rest prevents us from reaching the tipping point.

Rebuilding boundaries

Sharon attributed her recovery to her supportive family and community.

”I remember once we had some friends over and my husband said to me, ‘you don’t do anything’. And he just ordered chicken rice and my friends ordered the drinks and we had a wonderful time!”

She also made deliberate choices, such as going for regular walks and being mindful of what she consumed as well as what to stay away from, such as incessant tech time.

“Not everyone can be a safe person to speak to about what you are going through so choose wisely,” shared Sharon, who acknowledged that she had a good support network of trusted friends.

The 3Rs for recovery

Sharon shared her 3Rs for recovery.

The first is rest, and that includes all the different types of rest.

“For me, it was also resting in God and my beliefs,” she added.

The second is recuperate, which means allowing yourself the time and space to recuperate.

The last is to regroup. This is when you begin planning again and restarting your engines.

She warns against regrouping too quickly without giving ourselves time and space to rest and recuperate. She reiterates, “Give yourself time to come back stronger.”

For a working parent, we tend to be the last priority because there’s so many things to take care of. But remember that if you are not taking care of yourself, it affects everything else, including your ability to care for others.

A Woman’s Value and Identity, Beyond Motherhood

Like an intense, encompassing first love, motherhood comes with an enveloping heady-ness and focus. 

Suddenly, your time, sleep and energy all go towards that one person – your bundle of joy. Even as they grow, your permanent role as mother means they remain a perennial focus. 

But wait, besides being a mother, you are still a wife, a daughter, perhaps even a doctor, writer, or teacher. Especially when motherhood seems to override every other role and interest, how do you reclaim your own identity? 

Tam Wai Jia, medical doctor, author and mother of two girls likens the phases of motherhood to being like seasons. 

“There were seasons when I was not speaking anywhere and seasons when I was getting invites and being visible in the public sphere. We all go through seasons and it’s important to embrace each one or we become very hard on ourselves.” 

She shared the following tips on how mothers can keep growing and not be buried by the seasons in motherhood.  

We all go through seasons and it’s important to embrace each one or we become very hard on ourselves. 

1. Drive your roots down deep 

“No one ever scolds a tree for not bearing fruit during the winter season,” said Wai Jia, “We are multifaceted beings and we have to ebb and flow with the different seasons of needs.” 

“Winter is when roots go down deep,” she added.   

In seasons when you don’t feel like you are going anywhere, learn to embrace what that season can do for you as an individual. Like how roots grow deep to find the water that sustains them, you will have to dig deeper to discover yourself. 

This could look like renewing a sense of purpose, better communication with your spouse and family or even re-organising your days to make space for self-care. 

“I think we underestimate the whole concept of rest, routine and doing the same things every day that motherhood sometimes is about,” shared Wai Jia. 

2. Don’t judge yourself based on a single season/role  

There are times when we won’t do as good a job as we’d like to. 

In Wai Jia’s case, her first child had severe eczema. As a first-time mum and also as a medical doctor, this somehow created a sense of failure. “There were times when I would say, ‘This (motherhood) is my only job and I can’t even do it right.’” 

However, she realised she was being hard on herself, something she found many fellow mothers do. She reflected that we have to give grace to ourselves too. 

Drawing healthy boundaries and not letting others’ comments affect you emotionally is a key to avoiding emotional overload. 

3. Know that your value is not based on what you produce 

Our value and identity do not change even when our roles do. Neither are they based on what we can produce. 

The emphasis that we are of greater value being if we hold a job of importance is something entrenched in our society. 

“Being a stay-at-home-mum can be triggering when you take a step back from your career and you hear questions like, ‘What do you do all day now,’” said Wai Jia who is currently working part-time. 

So we should surround ourselves with people who remind us we are valuable as individuals, and not because of what we can do or the titles we hold. 

4. Set healthy boundaries 

Wai Jia shared that her husband Cliff – a cancer survivor who has even completed an Ironman triathlon – willingly volunteered to be a stay-home-dad when she had to fulfil her work bond after they returned to Singapore. 

This gesture helped them navigate through that difficult season and yet there were people who made less-than-kind remarks. 

“I felt judged by other people who asked, ‘How come your husband is more present with your kids than you?’ At work, I also hear comments like, ‘Oh, you are married to a house husband, really, is that a real job?’” Wai Jia shared. 

Drawing healthy boundaries and not letting others’ comments affect you emotionally is a key to avoiding emotional overload even as you navigate your journey as a mother. If not, it’s easy to fall into the trap of overthinking what you did based on what other people say. 

5. Do what’s best for your family

The support Wai Jia gets from her husband is evident in the way she speaks about him. She also realises that their choice to not take on conventional full-time employment may be seen as unusual. However, they both believe that their choice has allowed them to have more time with their children. 

Both Cliff and Wai Jia homeschool their kids. Wai Jia is also the founder of non-profit Kitesong Global, which aims to empower young people to help vulnerable communities worldwide. Cliff is completing his Master’s and involved in coaching young people too. 

“As mothers, sometimes we let our in-laws or parents or friends affect how we parent. When we chose not to have confinement, or not to have a helper or do a home birth, people said that I was crazy.” she said. 

But being united as a family and daring to forge your own path has its rewards. Notably, your kids see you united as a team and you get to be more present with them. 

And while people may look at them now and think how perfect their lives seem, Wai Jia still remembers the winter seasons. 

”These seasons help us stay humble. Every time I get an award or something prolific now, I always remember the times I was hidden, when I was going through postpartum depression and wondering if this would end.” 

And they do, because seasons always change. 

Why Grandparenting Still Matters

Being a grandparent isn’t as easy as “enjoy them, spoil them and send them home”. 

Eugene Seow became a grandfather of two in 2020 and in 2022, received a double promotion to become a grandfather of four! As in parenting, there is no school you can learn from and you cannot apply the same rules as you did in your parenting days. But it’s an exciting journey for Eugene and his wife Julie as they embraced this new role wholeheartedly in this season of their lives.   

Eugene was the former CEO of a social service agency (SSA) and continues to actively serve in the community as a coach, mentor and consultant in different organisations.  Despite his busy schedule, he still prioritises grandparenting duties and would plan ahead with his children and accommodate each other for the occasional clashes of time and exigencies that require last minute help for child-minding.  

Over the past few years, Eugene has been a strong advocate for the active role grandparents can play in the lives of families, both natural and spiritual.  He piloted the “60 over 60” programme at Living Sanctuary Brethren Church, an initiative to encourage the seniors to stay active and healthy and to connect them to the younger generation in the church family as well.  

This initiative aims to address the struggles the seniors have transiting from a long career, into the sudden and seeming ‘emptiness’ of retirement.  

He said, “Very often, the issues that seniors face in their retirement years may be generational, but the solutions are found intergenerationally.”  

This is why grandparents are still an important part of today’s families. 

With more time on their hands, grandparents can give children the attention they need to grow and thrive. 

Why grandparenting still matters

With more resources available to parents today, such as the government’s efforts to make preschool more accessible by increasing capacity and subsidising costs, it can sometimes seem selfish to trouble your parents to take care of your child.  

In a society that values early education and giving children a headstart in life, we may also worry that the grandparents will not be able to keep up with the little one’s boundless energy and constant need for stimulation or engagement.    

It is worth reminding ourselves that the grandparents often have something we lack – Time.  

With more time on their hands, grandparents can give grandchildren the focussed attention they need to grow and thrive. Eugene and his wife, Julie would usually plan the time spent with their grandchildren, and loves bringing them out for walks, discovering the many different playgrounds around Singapore. Most days are spent at home where grandmother will read and share stories, sing or just play. 

The benefits of grandparenting  

Having the grandparents chip in is not simply about having free childcare services. Enlisting their help also benefits them, in staving off loneliness. 

Children can bring a fresh breath of life to the homes of the elderly, with their constant activity, movement, and excitement for life.  

As Ong Ye Kung, the Minister of Health recently warned at the White Paper Debate for Healthier SG, “We want to protect [the elderly], but we unintentionally expose them to an even greater risk of isolation and loneliness.  

“That is when the spirit wears out, and the body gives way. If that mindset becomes entrenched, then over time, seniors become a problem to be contained and put aside, such as in nursing homes – out-of-sight, out-of-mind. One day, that room will burst. 

“We must support as many seniors as possible to continue to live in the community, independently or with some help, contributing to the best of their ability, able to choose their own activities, and having a full social life with friends and family.” 

When we see our parents getting old, we may sometimes feel that we should spare them the ‘burden’ of caring for our own children. But in doing so, we may deprive them of the joy and purpose in bringing up the next generation.  

Research from Holt-Lunstad and Smith at Brigham Young University put the heightened risk of mortality from loneliness as akin to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and being an alcoholic.  

Entrusting your children to your parents, may not just benefit you, but them too.  

As much as I’m learning to value my children, and my grandchildren, I think it also works two-way. 

What if there are differences in parenting styles?

As a parent, one of your concerns may be around how the grandparent will ‘parent’ your child. You may worry that they may end up spoiling your child by being soft and permissive.  

Clarity helps – so don’t be afraid to share with the grandparents about your preferred approach and ground rules.  

For example, if you prefer that your child does not play with the phone unattended, make sure this is communicated well in advance.   

A bit of thoughtful planning can help ease tensions and foster stronger inter-generational ties. 

Ultimately, it’s what we value

As he reflected on his journey, Eugene concluded, “We need to first recognise each other’s value. Today, as much as I’m learning to value my children, and my grandchildren, I think it also works two-way.  

“Children can also learn to value their parents and see that they still have something to give, and contribute, even at an older age. 

“For example, even with my own mother, my siblings and I value her presence with us at meals and family gatherings even though at 90, she is not as active and mobile as before. She may not be able to spend time in the kitchen now but still feels so good when her children ask for her recipes and advice on various matters.  

“At the recent Christmas gathering, she walked us down memory lane when she reminded the adult grandchildren now how she used to cane and discipline them in their younger days. And it was agreed, no bad memories and no damage done! 

“We must all learn to continue valuing each other.”  

Eugene’s story reminds me of what my grandmother did for me, when I was under her care as a young boy. Daily, she would cook a big pot of pork porridge, followed by another steaming pot of soup. She would rock me gently to sleep, and then wake me when my parents came to pick me up.  

As I grew up, and those daily stays became weekly visits, she would press a $10 note into my hand, so that I could have more pocket money to spend.  

Looking back, I never truly appreciated those times, until my grandmother passed.  

Maybe the biggest lesson I learnt from her is that love knows no bounds and is not limited by age.  

So the next time grandma or grandpa makes a mistake or bends a rule in your book, let’s remember that the main thing isn’t about them becoming better at grandparenting, but the gift of love they freely lavish on our children – and also hopefully receive in return.  

Family Hacks for a New Year that are Low on Tech and High on Love

Have you been feeling harried and hassled even before the new year began? 

Has looking at your family schedule been giving you a splitting headache? 

If this describes you, you’re not alone. 

This year, our middle child will be taking his PSLE. Our goal is to make this a relatively fuss-free affair and not let this major exam dampen our family’s love for balance, spending time with friends and exploring the outdoors. 

Here are some strategies we are adopting to stay sane this year: 

1. Limit screen time on weekdays  

Previously we allowed screen time on most days, thinking it would give our kids some breather from homework.  

But we found that it sometimes increased the tension at home as they would try to rush through their homework just to get started on their screens. 

This year, we are limiting screen time to weekends in anticipation of the greater workload from school in preparation for the PSLE.  

Of course, if on some days we have less school work to contend with, we may enjoy the occasional game time as a family.  

When I rush around to more than two to three activities per day, I get exhausted and cranky by the end of it. 

2. Limit enrichment classes to 3 per week 

My child needs more downtime than typical kids. I can relate because I’m also wired like that. When I rush around to more than two to three activities per day, I get exhausted and cranky by the end of it.  

Knowing that he will already have to tackle extra lessons on some days at school, it’s just sensible for us to keep tuition or sports classes to a maximum of three.  

He already is receiving some help with his two weakest subjects, so I am hoping that we will not need to pile on more.  

Having fewer classes also means we need not ferry him around as much. Juggling three children, a full-time job PLUS part-time studies, I find this to be the best thing I can do for myself.

PS. We also have a Chinese tutor who comes to our home on weekends, so this means we rush around even less!

To free up my time, I’ve popped all of my social media apps into a folder on my phone labelled “distractions”. So I think twice before clicking into any of the apps. 

3. Identify your biggest time-wasters 

Each one of us has a weak spot. For some, it could be social media; for others, it could be exploring new cafes and taking just one more food pic.  

Some may struggle getting an early start to the day, and this may be linked to a penchant for checking emails or posting and commenting on social media late at night.  

At this point, it is worth reminding ourselves we are loved and there is no condemnation for indulging in one or two of such behaviours.  

For me, I’m working on my habit of brisk walking every evening, and to lengthen each session. To free up my time, I’ve popped all of my social media apps into a folder on my phone labelled “distractions”. So I think twice before clicking into any of the apps by asking myself, “Do I really have that half an hour to throw away today?” 

It is worth teaching our young that tech, games and apps are all carefully designed to steal your attention. And the more “engaged” you are on a particular platform, the more money they make. 

4. Teach kids that apps are designed to steal your attention  

We are living in an increasingly noisy and complicated world, and our collective attention spans are also shrinking at an incredible rate.  

The net result is that instead of having the space and mental resources to think deeply about the challenges of the modern world and to engage in problem-solving, we end up feeling more anxious and less in control. 

In such a context, it is worth teaching our young that tech, games and apps are all carefully designed to steal your attention. And the more “engaged” you are on a particular platform, and the more time you dish out there, the more money they make.  

Only when they become aware of the problem and what it means when they give up a portion of their time, energy and mental resources, are they more open to hearing about and implementing solutions (i.e., to manage our time on tech wisely). 

While you are at it, teach them to disable notifications on their leisure apps. They should decide when to check their messages or social media, not the app. 

5. Have intentional one-on-one time 

Something I’m trying to do this year is to spend more one-on-time with each child. I find that the occasional walk to run an errand, or even just 15 minutes of chat time just before bed helps me tune into my child’s inner world, and for them to feel close enough to share deeper thoughts and concerns with me. 

It could look like: When big sister is having her tuition class, bringing little brother for a snack break or to his favourite book store.  

Sometimes the simple things done often give the biggest returns. 

I’m not trying to promote a dystopian view of technology, nor am I saying that all apps are inherently evil or time-wasters. There are many instances of people finding productive use of their time and building meaningful relationships online. (But even then, you do hear of many who say they need to take a step back from social media once in a while to appreciate and explore other things in life.) 

As with every new habit, it takes time, intentionality, and learning from mistakes, to really become disciplined at it.  

But by talking it through as a family and setting some goals (and sticking it up so everyone can see it), you are well on your way to becoming a closer-knit family than ever before – one who enjoys conversations (and not just gaming) together. 

Raising Kids to be Wise About Sex and Relationships

How to begin talking to kids about sex 

“My son came home today with the words ‘sex’ and ‘kiss’ scribbled on pieces of paper. He’s been picking up bad words from the kids on the bus,” my friend shared. 

Parents are the first teachers of their children. When it comes to the topic of sex, however, it’s likely that kids have already been given an introduction by their friends, the media or the Internet.  

If you’re unsure of how to approach talking to your kids about the birds and the bees, know that you’re not alone. Here is some advice that I’ve gleaned over the years from others and from my own experience.  

Start young  

In my home, we usually start the conversations as soon as the child is verbal, around the toddler ages of 2-3. 

It’s never too young to start by teaching our kids the proper names of private body parts. Doing so allows them to feel confident and unashamed of their body. 

Should they encounter unfortunate situations of inappropriate touch, they are also more able to accurately describe these incidents to teachers and caregivers.  

As kids observe the world around them, they begin to understand and perhaps point out differences between the sexes. I often use these opportunities to explain the differences between men and women’s bodies, such as only women being able to breastfeed and carry a baby in the womb. 

It’s never too young to start by teaching our kids the proper names of private body parts. Doing so allows them to feel confident and unashamed of their body. 

Boundaries, good touch, bad touch  

From there, we talk about what is a good touch or bad touch, and set appropriate boundaries such as “no one is allowed to touch your swimsuit area”, and while changing my child, “mummy is only touching your privates to wash away the poo”.  

Kids are allowed to reject requests from family members for hugs and kisses if they aren’t comfortable. At the same time, we teach them that hugging is an appropriate way to show our love to family and are liberal with our affection towards them.  

Use resources 

If you do not know where or how to start talking about sex and reproduction, look for age-appropriate books and resources on the topic. Cuddling up with a child to read a book provides a safe space for them to pause, ponder and ask questions if needed. We typically introduce these around age five to six and move on to books the child can read alone or together with us as they grow older.  

It is also important to constantly learn, read and educate ourselves as parents on how to speak to kids on sex and relationships, to gain the appropriate language to communicate with our children.  

Our Talk About Sex video series is child-friendly and designed to help you handle tricky topics like sex and relationships. It’s free and you can easily access each episode via a weekly link sent to your email inbox, accompanied by tips and convo guides. Find out more here. 

Ask me anything 

Keep an open mind and open ear. A friend of mine tells her kid to “ask her anything” — she has a no holds barred policy to questions on sex and sexuality. As a result, her teenage daughter had a reputation as a source of proper answers to curious questions and has received requests such as: “Please ask your mother what masturbation is.”  

By providing clear answers and not being afraid to broach difficult subjects, she gained the trust of her kids (and others). It is far better that kids gain credible answers from parents or trusted adults, rather than getting patchy or inaccurate information from peers or the World Wide Web. 

Seize opportunities  

Look for chances to address the topic of sex when it comes up in a natural context. For example, encountering two bugs mating can be an opportunity to talk about reproduction.  

Kids are naturally curious and it’s likely they themselves will come to you with questions as long as we are ready and unashamed with the answers to: “Where do babies come from?”  

It is far better that kids gain credible answers from parents or trusted adults, rather than getting patchy or inaccurate information from peers or the World Wide Web. 

Speak plainly and simply 

Use language that children as young as toddlers can understand. You can use phrases such as: 

On sex 

“When a man and a woman love each other very much, they want to get as close to each other as possible.” 

“Men and women are like puzzle pieces that fit together. Their bodies fit together too.”  

“When they connect together, they can create a baby.” 

“Half of you is from mummy and the other half is from daddy.” 

“The father provides the sperm and it joins with the mother’s egg.” 

On marriage  

“When a man and woman get married, they make a very important promise that they will never leave each other no matter what happens.  

“If they aren’t married, have sex and have a baby, what do you think will happen? Maybe one party will say they don’t want the baby and go away forever.”  

“Children thrive best when they grow up in a loving home with both their mummy and daddy.”  

Communicate not only the dangers, but the wonder of sex 

Besides talking to my kids about the consequences of sex outside of marriage, I also show them scientific YouTube videos to communicate the wonder of birth and conception. “Every person is a miracle,” I say. They watch as on screen, millions of sperm make their way through the vaginal canal, with most dying along the way, until one penetrates the egg. “Do you know how amazing and difficult it is for a person to be conceived?” I ask. 

I also show them pregnancy videos of a baby’s growth in the womb and talk to them about when I first heard their heartbeat, show them pictures of their ultrasound scans and talk about how I felt their kicks in the womb.  

Through such conversations, I hope for them to walk away with a clear idea of how precious life is and that life begins in the womb.  

At the same time, I try to make children aware of different kinds of families by drawing their family tree, discuss examples of unconventional family structures around us and talk about what would happen if a baby grows up without a father or mother.  

Live in community

It is important to allow kids to grow up with families that share likeminded values. 

Growing up with other wholesome adults as well as older peers whom they can emulate teaches children how to relate to others. As they observe interactions within families, spouses and parents and children, these help to shape their understanding of the world and broaden their experience.  

It is never too early to start talking to your kids about sex. 

In the example of the bus notes, my friend was advised to ask her child if he knew the meaning of those words and that became a starting point to talk about sex. Your kid heard about sex first from his friends? No worries. Even negative examples can be turned into a positive learning opportunity and open the conversation on the birds and the bees.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What A Teen Needs – Respect

Healthy and respectful communication may seem elusive in the teenage phase where growing pains and fluctuating hormones can cause friction in the parent-teen relationship.  

Conversations with our teenagers can be unpredictable to say the least; every parent who has parented teens would have experienced monosyllabic answers or “grunts” that tell you they don’t feel like talking, having to tell them to “watch their tone” when they answer with an attitude, and over-the-top outbursts blown out of proportion sometimes over trivial things.  

Communication methods which used to work for the savvy parent in their child’s younger days may cease in their efficacy. Nagging, criticism, threats or standover tactics, such as yelling to force compliance, may only lead to the teen feeling angry, upset, rejected, blamed or unloved.  

Clearly by this stage, the parenting script must change and establish as its central feature a sense of mutual respect. But the million-dollar question is, how do we go about establishing it?  

First, respecting our children does not mean that we give up our authority over them in the family. In fact, modelling respectful communication as opposed to “do-as-I-say” parenting tells them they are valued and their thoughts and feelings matter.  

It allows them to have a voice and be heard, which can be very validating for a teenager who is trying to form their own values and identity.  

Nagging, criticism, threats or standover tactics, such as yelling to force compliance, may only lead to the teen feeling angry, upset, rejected, blamed or unloved. 

Our respectful communication also guides and models for our teenagers how to manage conflict, negotiate viewpoints that could be different from their own and express their opinions tactfully. What better environment to experience this than in the home!  

There are a few ways even well-intentioned parents accidentally undermine the development of this mutually respectful relationship. 

Common fears 

What to do 

  • Some parents struggle with their teenagers having differing viewpoints from their own and try to impose their ideas onto them. They may also fear their teens taking up pursuits or activities that they don’t understand. 
  • Try to see the good in it. They may have a passion that we shouldn’t stifle. They are also learning to be their own person. 

 

  • In the surge for independence, teenagers start to make their own decisions and sometimes they make bad choices. As parents, we feel responsible for our child’s wellbeing and safety, no matter how old they are. Worry gets in our way.  

 

  • Be supportive and try not to criticise. Their mistakes can be turned into valuable lifelong lessons that is part of their growth and character development.

  

Respectful communication tips with teenagers 

These are some ways to keep the lines of communication open:  

1. Give them space 

Knock before you go into the room. Ask if it’s a good time to talk. If it’s not, ask when it will be a good time and respect that. Stop asking so many questions.  

Sometimes our impatience can kill conversations with our kids. We want the details and we want it now.  

  • Who was there? 
  • What happened next? 
  • Why didn’t you do that? 
  • What were you thinking? 
  • Where are you now? 

It’s not surprising that our teens clam up when they realise they are on the firing line of our barrage of questions, especially if they sense the questions are coming from a place of judgment or a lack of confidence in them.  

Keeping their lips tight doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to share – they simply want to have control over when and how they do it. They also want us to have faith in them. 

My daughter once requested for a two-week embargo for me to not raise a discussion on a sensitive issue she was facing. She needed the space to process it on her own.  

It was hard but I learnt to respect that this was the time she needed to sort her thoughts and emotions out – before she was ready to talk with anyone.  

I’ve learnt from my mistakes – whenever I encroached on their need for space, our communication turned more reactive, and less effective.  

Conversely, when I respected their pace, it actually yielded more positive outcomes, and we were often calmer in communicating our thoughts and feelings. 

2. Listen more than we speak 

We are all given two ears and one mouth – so we should spend twice as much time listening than talking! If we practise this intentionally, we may realise that teenagers tend to tell us more if we practise the art of listening attentively long enough!  

This gives them the opportunity to share at a comfortable pace as opposed to being bombarded by our questions or opinions.  

3. Carve out time for quality communication  

Date your teenager and carve out regular 1-on-1 time with them. It could be catching up over a weekend breakfast or offering to walk them to school or pick them up from places after a long day.  

These seemingly mundane routines are all opportunities for extended conversations. Find time to do fun and random things together with your teens – leisure and laughter help build good feelings and rapport. 

4. Take an active interest in their world  

Listen to their music, laugh with them over their favourite memes, watch the videos that they care to show you. Show up when they are ready to let you into their space! These are anchors to begin understanding their world.   

5. Remind them that they are loved  

Throughout their adolescence, young people tend to struggle with the need to be accepted and loved without judgement. Rejoice in their achievements, be compassionate when they make mistakes, and guide and support them in their problem-solving.   

Respectful communication truly leads to healthy relationships with your soon-to-be adult children. With a relationship built on respect, your children will desire to connect and consult with you even when they become adults. It is worth reflecting on our communication habits for this purpose alone!

When Your Little One Is Afraid

The world can be an intimidating place for young children. It doesn’t take long before they are exposed to unpleasant and even painful situations; visits to the clinic, starting school (without daddy and mummy!) and getting hurt from falls are just three examples.  

If some of us continue to feel apprehensive in such scenarios, one can only imagine how overwhelming it is for our little ones!  

I have never felt this as keenly as when we were still in the grips of COVID-19. Over the past two years, we’ve had to bring my son for many uncomfortable nose swabs and at every swab test, my son would run away or scream in anticipation of the discomfort. 

It can be daunting for us to guide our little ones through these challenges. While we cannot bubble wrap our kids from experiencing fear and anxiety, here are some strategies that have helped my family through such situations: 

1. Prepare them ahead of time  

We would usually talk to our son about upcoming challenges in advance to help him mentally prepare for them. For major transitions such as starting a new class, we would bring up the topic about a month before and engage him regularly about two to three times a week. For self-contained events like doctor visits or gatherings with unfamiliar faces, we would prepare him about a week in advance.  

We would also read relevant children’s books to familiarise him with the experience; e.g. about starting school, toilet training, or visiting the doctor or dentist.  

Being transparent with our children about upcoming challenges prevents them from getting caught off guard and helps them prepare for big changes. It also builds trust, which gives them confidence to approach us for help and guidance in future.  

2. Use healthy distractions 

Where appropriate, we would allow our children to engage in something that takes their mind off their fear. For example, we would let them watch a short video to help them down unpleasant medicines. Or pack their favourite toys and snacks to the doctor to keep them occupied while waiting at the clinic. 

Another useful approach is to engage in play. For example, my son once refused to approach the bathroom after he scraped his knee badly, as he was afraid of the pain from wetting his wound. I coaxed him to enter the shower by getting him to “feed” his toy animal some water while bathing. While he still cried from the pain, it helped him overcome his initial fear and enabled him to take the first step of entering the bathroom.  

Being transparent with our children about upcoming challenges prevents them from getting caught off guard and helps them prepare for big changes. It also builds trust. 

3. Change their environment 

In some cases, we found that a change in environment was helpful to ease our son’s anxiety.  

For instance, to help my son overcome his fear of toilet training, we got him to use the toilet in our room instead of the kitchen toilet which he normally used. This relieved his anxiety by removing him from the environment he associated with his fear (i.e. the kitchen toilet) and shifting him to one he likely perceived as safer (i.e. our room).  

A similar example would be if my son had a bad fall. I would usually bring him to a quieter place some distance away from where he fell. This usually helps him feel safer as the place of injury is out of sight, and he has more space to calm down. 

4. Affirm and celebrate small wins  

Whenever our son shows improvement towards a challenging situation, we would verbally affirm him by highlighting his achievements or areas of growth. Some statements we use are: 

  • “I noticed you did not cry this time after falling down. That was brave of you!” 
  • “You remained calm today at the party, even though there were many people you didn’t know. Well done!” 
  • “I’m glad you enjoyed your time at school, even though you missed Mama and Papa!” 

We would also often celebrate bigger milestones (e.g. starting school in a new class or finishing his graduation concert performance) by treating him to his favourite dishes.  

Affirmation and celebration help our little ones to associate their growth with positive memories, and motivate them to face other big challenges in life. 

Having faith in our children 

In the weeks leading up to my son’s first day at school, my wife and I were nervous about how he would respond to the change. We worried that he would not adjust to his new routine as he had never been in the care of others. 

Sure enough, he burst into tears when we dropped him off at school. I remember feeling guilty hearing his wails as I left for work – a feeling I’m sure many parents identify with. To my surprise, my son adapted quickly. Though he would get pre-school jitters every now and then, it wasn’t long before he started making friends and recounting his school activities fondly to us.  

Our children can surprise us with their tenacity, resilience and adaptability. So let’s not be too hard on ourselves, especially when we are unable to shield them from their fears.  

With us as their constant strength and support, they will rise above and overcome their challenges – both big and small – in their own time. 

Managing Change As A Couple, After Baby Arrives

I remember the day when my wife and I discovered that we were going to have a child. It was a whirlwind of emotions for us. After all, we had been longing for a baby for such a long time, so when the news came, we almost couldn’t believe it.  

The day finally arrived. Baby came, and our lives changed forever.  

Before baby arrived, we had our time and space as individuals and as a couple. But once our first child arrived, it seemed to be one amorphous blending of day and night, especially given baby’s erratic feeding cycle, which continued regardless of whether we were awake or asleep.  

The arrival of a child is a major change in the life of every couple. There is an exponential increase in the things that need to be done around the house. From preparing for the feeding needs of the child to taking care of clothing and diapering. On top of this, the regular office work and household chores do not decrease. What’s worse is that leaving one area of the household unmanaged could snowball into other areas of life very quickly.  

Many couples have highlighted sleeplessness as another major factor affecting their physical and emotional wellbeing during the early weeks. Disrupted sleep leads to tiredness and crankiness between husband and wife, which could increase spousal tension, especially due to differing expectations on how the workload in the home should be shared.  

And then there is marital intimacy, or lack thereof. A decreased desire for sex is a common experience, and this could have a negative impact on the closeness felt by both husband and wife.  

Disrupted sleep leads to tiredness and crankiness between husband and wife, which could increase spousal tension. 

Transitions and change

The arrival of a child is a huge transition. For the marriage to withstand the challenges, you may need to process the transition well.  

What does this mean? According to author William Bridges, a transition is an inner psychological process that people go through as they come to terms with the changes they are going through. Bridges highlighted three stages in his transition model – Endings, Neutral Zone and New Beginnings.  

Endings is when people come to terms that their situation has been changed forever. This encompasses aspects of grief and loss, and individuals need to accept that the status quo they had been used to is now gone. In the arrival of a baby, both husband and wife need to realise that their situation has changed, and the family now has to incorporate the routines of the child.  

The neutral zone, which is the second stage, is an in-between period when there is a need to recalibrate, especially since the old has gone and the new isn’t quite established yet. There is a need to reconsider old ways of doing things and develop new strategies to manage the changes that have occurred.  

The third stage of the transition process is one of new beginnings. It involves new understandings, which is associated with a shift in values and attitudes. This in turn sparks a new release of energy, and individuals then operate with fresh perspectives, managing their new roles with more confidence and security.  

For the couple with a new baby, this is often accompanied by a new sense of purpose and they are propelled in a direction that they have never experienced before. This stage is also marked by new norms and traditions. 

The key to dealing with a newborn is to accept that life as you know it has changed forever. 

Managing change 

I remember our first year as parents. We seemed to be always tired, always running around in circles, and feeling like headless chickens, not knowing what we were doing from one moment to the next. There were, however, two things that helped us during that difficult time. 

  • Embrace the changes 

The key to dealing with a newborn is to accept that life as you know it has changed forever. You need to mourn the loss of your childless existence and recalibrate your life as a couple, coming to terms with your new status as parents.  

For us, it took acknowledging that we would never be able to go out again without a diaper bag and a whole inventory of baby accessories. This also meant that unless we made prior arrangements, our baby would follow us wherever we went. It also meant adjustments to our social life so that we could allow our child to have an early night. 

  • Don’t forget your spouse 

In the hustle and bustle of a child’s arrival, it is not uncommon to neglect tending to the wellbeing of your spouse. And while it is important to reorientate your life to cater to the needs of your child, it is also crucial to care for your spouse.  

For men, this means expressing love to your wife in a way that she would understand, in accordance to her love language. For us, this included taking the early feed before I went to work, so that my wife could sleep in a little later after caring for our child during the various night feeds. It also meant shouldering more of the household chores.  

As for women, loving your spouse could mean acknowledging the important role he plays in maintaining the financial integrity of the household. It could also mean showing love to him in his love language, and making the effort to have some regular couple time. 

A new normal 

The tumultuous days after the arrival of a child will not last forever, but as you continue to love each other, and embrace your new roles as parents, the early days of parenthood while challenging can also strengthen your marriage.  

For it’s not how much you do as parents that matters, but it’s how much you choose to love that keeps the family together. 

Three Emotional Skills to Cultivate As A Parent

Even though I’ve had a wonderful mother and father who taught me how to parent, the hardest thing I’ve found since becoming a mother has been learning to parent myself. 

It’s always much easier to let my personality out in full force, sometimes unleashing harmful anger, toxic barbs and biting criticism. I have a tendency to be unafraid to show my true self when with my nearest and dearest, especially to my kids.  

Perhaps, like me, you struggle to have a good relationship with your kids and wish to cultivate better emotional skills. Staying humble and being willing to learn and grow is a good starting point. 

We should listen with our hearts and minds to hear the emotions and thoughts beyond the words our child is saying. 

1. Listen well and think before we speak 

So many times have I been tempted to shoot my mouth off before my child is done asking a question or telling me a story on their day in school. Sometimes I’m only half listening as they regale their tales when I’m in the middle of a bath, cooking lunch or (tsk!) texting on my phone. I find myself completing their sentences or assuming facts before I’ve even heard them. 

The book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk promotes using affirming language to show active and supportive listening. When a child returns home and says he got into trouble with the teacher for hitting a child, for example, we can approach from a point of curiosity.  

Instead of shouting, “What did you do? How can you hit someone else?” perhaps we could say, “What did your classmate do before you hit him?” and then respond, “That must have made you so mad!” Children want to know they have their parents on their side advocating for them, even in moments when they mess up.  

When listening, we should put away all other distractions. Sometimes when I’m in the middle of something, I would inform my child to give me a moment to complete the task so I can give them my undivided attention.  

Although listening is performed mainly by the ears, we should listen with our whole being. Maintaining eye contact helps us take in the body language of the other person. Our own posture, when we face the other person and mirror their body language, also speaks volumes.  

In addition, we should listen with our hearts and minds to hear the emotions and thoughts beyond the words our child is saying. Is my child seeking advice or comfort? What does he or she really want from me?  

There are times, however, when listening and conversing is better when done side by side or without eye contact. A car ride, a fishing trip or a walk in the park may be a good opportunity to have difficult or awkward conversations.  

Reading parenting books and knowing the theories makes me none the wiser as I am still learning daily to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger”. 

I’ve found it helpful to walk away from a situation that is getting tense and come back again when I’ve calmed down. 

2. Manage our own emotions  

An important thing for parents is to understand their own triggers in their relationship with their kids. For myself, a person who likes things to be neat and tidy, huge messes are a big no and the youngest always manages to pull out all the stops, literally.  

I find myself uncontrollably playing the blame game, ordering everyone around and going into a cleaning rage. Other times, what triggers me is my child’s insistence and blatant defiance.  

After knowing what makes you mad, the next step is to manage yourself. I’ve found it helpful to walk away from a situation that is getting tense, or when I myself am getting worked up, and come back again when I’ve calmed down. This is especially when my child gets sassy, sarcastic and stubborn. No point getting into a heated argument over that math question when both sides think they are correct. Better to return later.  

It’s only when we learn to manage our own emotions that we can model emotional regulation to our children. We should “respond” and not “react”. If a glass has been shattered into smithereens on the floor, for example, focus on getting it cleaned up and keeping everyone safe, instead of yelling at the person at fault for being so careless. In a state of calm, we are better able to process, and consequently, our children are better able to learn from the experience. 

This year, my daughter lost three items in a single week. The first was her wallet, which I helped her retrieve by driving her back to school, followed by her water bottle. When she told me she had lost her homework file (again?!), I was tempted to rage. However, the other part of me was concerned. Is it a lack of sleep that’s making her become absent-minded? Is this a symptom of a bigger problem? 

Thankfully, I managed to set aside my own frustration and slowly processed with her the steps for search and recovery. That night, my daughter was weepy and distressed. I had to repeatedly reassure her that the world would not end if she had lost her homework. She would have to bear the consequence by waking earlier to find the item in school, but this was not serious. Had I been harsh, it would have worsened the situation. 

I remind myself: I am not a perfect parent, but I am growing and learning each day. 

3. Give grace to all 

Oftentimes, it is hard for those who have grown up in environments with high expectations to learn to let go.  

One of the things I’ve found myself having to set aside is the expectation that my children have to obey me every single time and be perfect. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I don’t have to look very far to understand where their strong wills and deviance came from.  

It is helpful to understand that we sometimes adopt our own parents’ style of parenting. Recently, there has been a number of memes on “breaking the generational trauma”. While parents may inflict wounds on their children, I believe most families also pass down love and affirmation. We should be more intentional in deciphering the good parts to keep versus those to abandon.  

Many articles prescribe methods to parent better and I find myself getting all introspective and badgering myself over it. “I’m not a good enough parent, I could always do better,” is often my takeaway. This is probably a symptom of growing up with critical parenting and I struggle daily not to channel it down to my children.  

I’ve learnt over the years to love and accept myself, and give myself room for failure. I remind myself: I am not a perfect parent, but I am growing and learning each day.  

When we give ourselves grace, we are more able to give our children that same grace – My children are not expected to be perfect, they are growing and learning each day.  

Children must be given room to make mistakes and misbehave in order for them to mature into teenagers, young adults and then adults. We are all works-in-progress.  

Becoming a parent is one of the fastest routes to maturity as we are forced to put someone else’s needs before our own, to be bigger-hearted, wiser and kinder than our kids, leading not by our words, but by example. And it makes us all the better for it.  

Our kids mould us as much as we mould them. We, too, are growing and learning along with our children. And that’s okay.  

Is My Child Addicted to Gaming?

As a parent, you may have struggled with your children exceeding their screen time limits just so that they can continue playing Mobile Legends. You may have been frustrated at the many times where your child pleads, “Last game, mum!”  

Sometimes, you may even resort to switching off (and plucking out!) the WIFI router so that your child can no longer access the internet to play his games.  

All these are common challenges in today’s digital age, says Ray Chua, a principal clinical psychologist who’s been working with gamers since 2009.    

Some of the common questions that Ray has been asked include: 

  1. How do I know if my child is addicted to gaming? 
  2. How do I stop my child from gaming so much? 

In this article, Ray sheds some light on this matter.  

Understanding the heart of a gamer  

Ray believes in “addressing the problem but loving the child.” For that to happen, one important thing to understand is why gamers even game. What are children really looking for when they game?  

There are three reasons:  

1. A sense of achievement 

Many gamers that Ray works with are underperforming in school. He remembers one Primary 6 client who wrote a letter to his mother, telling her that he knew he would not do well for PSLE. But things looked very different in BlackShot, a first-person shooter game in which he excelled in.  

No one likes the feeling of constantly failing to meet expectations in every part of their life. Knowing that our children are fuelled by a sense of achievement derived from gaming can help us better empathise with them.  

2. A sense of connection 

Your child may have friends in school, but it’s not only the physical connection that matters, but the emotional connection. As former US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy wrote in his book Together, “Loneliness is the absence of physical and emotional connection.”  

When children play online games with their friends, they may feel a sense of camaraderie with them, and have shared topics of interest to talk about in school.  

3. A form of escape 

Many of the children that Ray sees have problems in their life which they find it challenging to resolve, and gaming is effective as a form of escape. 

But when does gaming become a problem?  

How can parents tell if their child is addicted?  

There are four criteria under the WHO International Classification of Diseases (ICD) for gaming disorder.  

Firstly, the child must demonstrate impaired control, such that they are losing control over their gaming behaviour.   

The second criterion is an increasing priority over other things in life. “Gaming takes precedence over other interests. For example, it becomes more important than sleep, food, or going to school.” 

The third criterion is continuing to game despite negative consequences. They may be failing, or getting into trouble in school. They may be quarrelling daily with their parents over gaming, but they continue to play. 

The fourth involves functioning. “Their functioning needs to be affected because there are gamers out there who play a lot, but are still keeping up with their schoolwork and managing their life pretty well,” explained Ray. 

These criteria have to exist for a period of at least 12 months, unless the symptoms are severe, for the person to be diagnosed as having a gaming disorder. Of course, parents may not want to wait till their child is displaying problems for a year before seeking help.  

What can they do if there are already observable concerns? 

When you’ve deposited into their emotional bank account, they will know you’re disciplining them out of love, and not anger. 

Prevention is better than cure  

One recommendation for parents of younger children is to delay the introduction of games, for as long as possible.  

“There are many developmental milestones for a child to reach and build at the ages of preschool or even early primary school.” Delaying the introduction of games can give more time for younger children to hone the ability to delay gratification, allowing them to build a healthier relationship with games. A practical way is to give your child a basic phone, rather than an internet-enabled smartphone, suggested Ray. Alternatively, parents can install parental controls to limit online access. 

Experts worldwide agree that early introduction of digital technology may change the psychology of young children in ways that are still unknown. The hit documentary “The Social Dilemma” revealed how persuasive technology may be ‘hooking’ users of social media, and eventually causing addiction.  

The same concepts are often applied to game design, with tactics such as requiring gamers to log-in for consecutive days to score streaks. What you may not know is that underlying this ‘game design’ is the strategy to form habit loops.  

The relationship is the heart of the matter 

Working towards healthy gaming habits requires a strong parent-child relationship.  

Ray explained, “This is the period of time where you can deposit into their emotional bank account. You will need it because when the time comes, sooner or later they will start playing games and you will need to instil boundaries and rules and even discipline them. This will tap on this reservoir of relationship that you have built with them over the years. They will know you’re disciplining them out of love, and not anger.” 

If your relationship with your child is already strained, regulate yourself first, then seek to understand your child’s motivations. 

But what if the relationship is already strained?  

If your relationship with your child is already strained, Ray urged parents to first look inwards.  

“Regulate yourself, and ensure that you’re not disciplining the child out of anger.”  

Sometimes, our children’s behaviour may reflect our own flaws, or even remind us of our past, causing us to feel triggered and upset.  

Being aware that this is happening can be the first step towards better managing our frustrations when we see our child playing excessively.  

Thereafter, seek to understand your child’s motivations.  

“Think about what your child’s motivations are. For example, if your child is using games to escape from the real world, perhaps taking time to listen to your child, and supporting him with tools to deal with the problems in real life can reduce the instances of escape gaming.”  

Understanding why the child games, and equipping them with coping mechanisms to deal with life’s challenges can help you make a lasting change in your child’s life.  

We are not perfect 

Ray’s parting words offer much comfort, “We are all not perfect parents. We are still learning. To become better parents. To become better guides to our kids.” And our children too, are learning to function in what can be a scary and confusing world.  

Even as we set boundaries around gaming and device use, let’s keep our relationship with our kids at the centre. With our parent-child relationship secure, perhaps games will no longer be the anchor our children base their identity on. 

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