Resource Type: Articles

How to Create an Emotionally Safe Space in Your Marriage

In a recent survey conducted by Focus on the Family Singapore, couples were asked to respond to one of the statements: “It is difficult to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with my spouse.”  

It is noteworthy that a significant percentage (30% of total respondents) indicated that they strongly agreed/agreed with the statement. 

Interestingly, more wives (32.3%) compared to husbands (25.6%) strongly agreed/agreed with the statement. 

There are many reasons why husbands and wives are afraid to be vulnerable and engage in authentic conversations. But perhaps the root cause is the lack of emotional safety in the marriage. 

In an emotionally unsafe relationship, there is a feeling of distrust, disconnect, and defensiveness. You are afraid to speak your mind or show your true feelings because there is an undercurrent of anxiety, wondering how your spouse would react.  

In contrast, when couples feel secure and trust each other, they let their guard down and express their thoughts or share their fears, hurts, or deepest longings without worrying about being judged or invalidated. Of course, no one is perfect, so it is impossible for couples to always be responding perfectly to each other. But if we want greater intimacy with our spouse, we need to be intentional about fostering emotional safety in our relationship. 

How do we cultivate such a safe space through our daily life and actions? 

Consider the following S.A.F.E.R strategies. 

Set a positive and uplifting tone  

What is the first thing you say when you meet your spouse after a long day at work? Is complaining or making snide remarks a default way of greeting each other? Once you allow negativity to set the tone for your conversations, the atmosphere no longer feels safe for sharing. 

Be deliberate about how you greet each other after being apart for a good part of the day. Regardless of the kind of day you had at home or at the office, make it a point to greet each other with a kind word or caring gesture.  

A workshop attendee once shared a strategy – when he drove home after a long day at the office, he would turn off his car ignition switch, but he would not get out of the car immediately. He would intentionally do a “mindset switch,” reminding himself that he is going home to his family, and they deserve the best of him.  

Regardless of whatever had happened at the office, especially if he had a bad day, he kept to his commitment to be loving and gracious in his words and body language. It created a warmer, reassuring atmosphere at home, which in turn allowed for enriching and deeper dialogues as a couple.  

Avoid absolute language 

“You are always looking at your smart phone.” 

“You always interrupt when I am speaking.” 

“You never ask for my views or opinion on any issues.” 

These are examples of absolute language that couples often use when they are upset with each other. In intimate relationships, absolute language is ineffective because it tends to put couples on the defensive. If one spouse is bombarded with absolute language on a regular basis, it is a sure-fire way of causing him/her to withdraw emotionally.  

Focus on listening to what your spouse is saying instead of making your point 

It is not uncommon for couples with strong personalities to want to make their point instead of listening to what their spouse is saying.  

Even if we disagree with our spouse or believe our perspectives on issues are far weightier than theirs, it does not warrant harsh judgment or criticisms. Having a self-righteous attitude hinders genuine connection. We listen to know our spouse better, not to convince our spouse that we are right in all matters.  

Try this instead: Replace judgment with curiosity. Ask questions to understand why our spouse holds a certain view or assumption. When our spouse knows we are accepting and open to differing views, they would be more willing to engage in deeper conversations. 

We listen to know our spouse better, not to convince our spouse that we are right in all matters. 

Emotions – be aware of your emotions and choose wisely  

There may be times when you’re having a discussion with your spouse, and you get triggered by something he/she said.  When this happens, you may feel a wave of strong emotions, but remember you always have a choice on how to respond. 

An unempathetic approach is to verbalise what is on your mind without being sensitive to your spouse’s feelings.  

A more gracious approach is to turn your mind to what your partner has said and pay attention to your emotional reaction. Ask yourself what you are feeling – Is it fear (because your partner hit a raw nerve), embarrassment (because she is more knowledgeable than you), or pride (because you can’t lose to her/him)?  

If you notice your emotions riding high, and you are combing your mind for a rebuttal, hit the “Pause” button. Let your spouse know that you are losing your cool, call for a time-out to regain your composure, and pick up the conversation when you are ready. 

If you notice your emotions riding high, and you are combing your mind for a rebuttal, hit the “Pause” button. 

Respect each other’s boundaries 

There are times when your spouse is unwilling to share his/her thoughts and you are unsure of the reasons. It is important to accept his/her need for space and not insist that he/she express her views or share her feelings.  

Before it becomes a pattern that either one of you is not interested in engaging in heartfelt conversations, consider creating a dialogue around emotional safety. Share with each other the behaviours or words that make you feel safe or unsafe during conversations with each other. Identify ways to improve trust in the relationship to facilitate authentic conversations with each other.  

Emotional safety is a key building block of flourishing marriages. When it is present in your relationship, there is a deep sense of closeness and connectedness as a couple. Be purposeful in creating and maintaining emotional safety, and you and your spouse will reap the rewards of a trusting and fulfilling relationship. 

What is one thing you are willing to do in the next week to increase the presence of emotional safety in your marriage relationship? 

Why Date Nights Are So Hard to Do

If we pause and check in with ourselves for a minute, most of us parents may ourselves thinking that we are either tired or stressed out.  

So, it may not be unexpected that date nights get relegated to a dusty corner of most of our minds. 

Or as something that happens once in a blue moon, when all the stars are aligned – A babysitter is available, there’s something both parties want to do, and a restaurant they can agree on to try. 

Just the other day, my husband asked if I wanted to go cycling with him after work. In that split second teetering between “Yes” and “No,” I thought of the daughter who needed a ride home after math tuition, and the bag of laundry waiting for some attention.  

You probably know what my answer was. 

And I distinctly felt a pang of guilt after. The last date night we had was when we celebrated our anniversary a month ago. “That’s not so bad right?” I consoled myself while making a mental note to plan the next one soon. 

Over those few years, I learnt that it’s not so much about going to a fancy restaurant as it is about cultivating a safe emotional space for our hearts to be laid bare. 

The many hurdles to a great date night 

Date nights – we all want them.  

Alexandra Frost in The Washington Post article, How Pandemic-weary Parents Can Bring Back Date Night, And Why It Matters, even calls it an “antidote to parenting stress.”  

But sometimes it’s hard to get to a place where our hearts can truly meet.   

I remember the first time my husband and I managed to sneak out for a dinner date the first year we became parents. I was so anxious as I only had a two-to-three-hour window before the baby’s next feed. Although I tried hard to be present and to relax, it took a while for my brain to obey.  

We had a few precious years when my mother was available to help, and things looked up for a while. My husband and I could take walks or go for a jog at the nearby park. We didn’t go out for long dates often, but those mini-getaways (for exercise, a quick meal, or a grocery run) – short but regular – did help to keep our connection alive.  

Over those few years, I learnt that it’s not so much about going to a fancy restaurant, or a romantic location, as it is about cultivating a safe emotional space for our hearts to be laid bare. 

Let’s be honest – we’ve all gone on date nights where we came away feeling full, but also empty. Yes, it may have been a great Michelin-starred meal, but somehow one or both of us couldn’t quite make a full and robust conversation happen; like a Wi-Fi connection gone wonky.  

We fell back to discussing mundane matters and problems that needed to be fixed.  

We skirted around the edges of our hearts instead of diving into the things that truly matter to us, or our spouse. 

Our worries and fears, hopes and aspirations, stayed below the surface, unaired at the end of the date. 

It’s not about blaming, but it’s worth getting curious and asking ourselves how we felt, and what didn’t go so well, so we know how to do dates better.  

Our worries and fears, hopes and aspirations, stayed below the surface, unaired at the end of the date. 

What makes a great date? 

For some couples, good food is a must; for others, date nights must feature a fun activity that both enjoy. 

Though it’s definitely worth putting some thought into the date, sometimes even simple dates can do wonders. After all, we don’t need to place unnecessary pressure on ourselves to put together the perfect date every single time. 

Even the 10 minutes you spend together in the car wash counts for something – so long as there is some meaningful conversation and phones are stored away.  

These short bursts of together-time can help remind us that we are on the same team, and that we are striving towards the same goals. 

Make space for listening, often  

One of our more memorable dates happened recently when my husband packed some wine, cheese and crackers and found us a shady spot on the beach.   

To my surprise, he even came prepared with a few questions for both of us to talk about and share. So while munching on crackers, we chatted about our worries and observations, and did a mini-review of what we thought was going well in our marriage, as well as the areas that needed some attention. 

As I was sitting there soaking in the views of the setting sun over the water, I found myself feeling grateful for my husband of 14 years.  

More than the effort he had put into making this picnic date special for the both of us, I was marvelling at how he has been consistently practising the art of listening intently whenever I’m sharing something close to my heart.  

In The Lost Art of Listening, Michael Nichols wrote: “The feeling of not being understood is one of the most painful in human experience…When we’re with someone who’s interested and responsive – a good listener – we perk up and come alive. Being listened to is as vital to our enthusiasm for life as love and work.” 

Perhaps the key to great life-long dates with your spouse isn’t in splashing out on a meal, but just getting down to each other’s eye level, creating a space to speak (and listen) from the heart, and letting judgment or resentment fall by the wayside as you do. 

Reciprocity counts too. So, it’s probably time for me to plan that cycling date my spouse has been asking me about. 

When Your Marriage Hurts

Do you dismiss your hurt feelings in your marriage, thinking that time will heal? 

Imagine putting 5 raw potatoes into a draw string bag and carrying the bag everywhere you go. During mealtimes, when you are at work, the bag must not leave you and you even need to sleep with it. You can take a peep at the potatoes and move them around in the bag. But you are not allowed to remove them from the bag.  

After some time, you will probably notice a stench coming out of the bag. People around you will also alert you to the foul smell coming from the bag you are carrying.  

Now, what would you do? Would you dump the entire bag, with the rotten potatoes, into the garbage bin?  

Perhaps merely thinking of this scenario is enough to make you feel nauseated? 

But what if I tell you this is an analogy for what happens when married couples accumulate their emotional hurts and wounds in marriage?  

When wounded, most people slap on a band-aid that provides superficial relief in the short-term.   

But as the offenses stack up and nothing is done to clear the air, some couples reach a tipping point and throw the baby out with the bath water. They end up at the family court or lawyer’s office. 

But does your marriage have to end in this way?  

Dealing with pain 

Ponder the various hurts you may have accumulated in your marriage life. She criticised you in front of your family members. He forgot your wedding anniversary. She neglected your needs in favour of your newborn child. She compared you with her colleague’s husband. He did not help with chores around the house.  

It is a laundry list of hurts – intentional or unintentional.  

While there are serious issues such as adultery, spousal violence, addictions, or abandonment that often inflict enormous pain and require professional help, my focus in this article is on the common mistakes and choices that everyday couples make.  

When a hurt occurs in our marriage, it is not uncommon for us to ignore or nurse the hurt or hold onto it with resentment or thoughts of revenge. 

We often think burying the pain will somehow make it go away or secretly wish time will heal all emotional wounds. The unfortunate truth is, it does not.  

Recognise that you and your spouse will say or do things that will offend each other during your life together 

What happens when hurts are not attended to  

1. When we leave conflicts unresolved and hurts unhealed, these may drive a wedge in the relationship. Avoidance will gradually lead us into an unhealthy zone, sometimes even resulting in “emotional divorce,” where one or both spouses check out emotionally from the marriage. 

2. You may not opt for divorce because of the children, cultural or religious convictions. But the relational and emotional disconnect between you and your spouse can widen, opening the door to increasing risks, such as an extramarital affair.

3. Marriage does not exist in a vacuum, and the effects of these unresolved hurts can spill over to those who are closely related to us. Children are often the victims who suffer the ill effects of a troubled marriage.  

Without forgiveness, it is almost impossible to cultivate a good marriage

What can couples do? 

1. Recognise that you and your spouse will say or do things that will offend and hurt each other during your life together.

2. Realise that both of you are equally responsible for the marital pain even though you may think you are the victim of your spouse’s insensitivity or unkindness.   

3. Be willing to make time to talk about the offenses and hurts instead of denying or dismissing hurt feelings.  

4. Develop a sensitivity to your spouse’s hurt feelings and learn to understand your own.  This means discovering the causes of the hurt – unintentional or intentional. When we separate the problem from the person or view hurtful actions not as personal attacks but as a result of past baggage, it can make it easier to forgive.  

5. Extend forgiveness. The closer we are in a relationship, the more opportunities for hurt, thus forgiveness is a crucial element in a marriage. Without it, it is almost impossible to cultivate a good marriage. Remember that forgiveness benefits the forgiver much more than the one being forgiven. Nursing an offence will eat you from the inside and undermine your marriage, but by forgiving, you can experience a sense of profound peace. 

6. Nursing an offence and can often cause bitterness, and eat you up from the inside. Seek professional help if your emotional wounds run deep, and you are unable to heal on your own as a couple.  

What can you do if your spouse is not willing or ready to address the relational hurts? 

1. Acknowledge your hurts and start your own healing journey  

You may feel frustrated or disappointed if your spouse thinks there is nothing wrong with the marriage and you are the one having issues. Or he is closed to the idea of talking about your marriage. You wonder if it is possible to move the marriage in the right direction in this instance. If this is true in your case, it is needful for you to pursue your own healing. As you work on yourself, you develop emotional and psychological resilience. And when you learn new ways and strategies to resolve marital conflicts, at best, your spouse may join you in this healing journey.   

2. Reach out to trusted mentors, friends or professionals for support 

Going it alone can sometimes be daunting if there is a stockpile of grievances and resentment. Talking to and receiving encouragement from trusted friends and mentors can go a long way to facilitate your healing.  

Every marriage relationship has its fair share of mistakes and selfishness that result in emotional wounds. It does not matter how much you love each other or how long you have been married, petty arguments and conflicts are inevitable. It is critical that you and your spouse acknowledge the hurts, past and present, instead of sweeping them under the rug. And be willing to make time to heal the hurts so that together you can rediscover the love and care you once felt for each other. 

If you are experiencing abuse or violence in your marriage, please seek professional help as soon as possible.  

How to Have Healthy Expectations in Marriage

Let’s not be shy about admitting it. Marriage is hard. Often, it’s made even harder by the one thing that floats beneath the surface, only surfacing in the midst of quarrels.  

Expectations.  

Whether said or unsaid, expectations, when unmet, can leave couples feeling dissatisfied, disillusioned, and disappointed with marriage life. 

Expectations are not wrong  

One common misconception about expectations is that it’s wrong to have them. But renowned marriage therapist Donald Baucom found that people often get what they expect. He found that people who had low expectations for their relationships tended to be in relationships where they are treated poorly.  

Knowing this, how can we communicate our expectations in a healthy way?  

Focus on the Family spoke to Ivan and Kerin Lau, who have been married for one and a half years and are parents to a 7-month-old baby, to find out more.  

Expectations allow you to uphold certain standards, but grace allows for flexibility when one party doesn’t meet them. 

Balance your expectations  

As Kerin reflected on her expectations of Ivan, she realised that expectations need to be balanced with grace. Expectations allow you to uphold certain standards, but grace allows for flexibility when one party doesn’t meet them.  

She wasn’t always like this. As they are still waiting for their home to be ready, Ivan moved into her home after they married. Being neat and tidy, she expected him to continue keeping the space exactly how she wanted it to be. She would even remind him, “No handprint” whenever he touched the mirror.  

But one day, she realised that by nit-picking on every little thing, she was not allowing him to feel free to be who he is.  

Ivan laughed upon hearing Kerin recount that incident. He believes in communicating what you want, but also showing understanding and grace to your spouse. “In that way, while we might not be there now, we can move towards where we want to be and avoid blaming each other.”    

Learn from every argument  

Kerin admitted that they often find out more about each other’s expectations after an argument. Ivan agreed, saying that arguments are “opportunities to learn more” about each other. But it’s not simply enough to have an argument and expect to magically understand each other.  

One day, after quarrelling repeatedly over how their newborn child, Arabelle, should be cared for, Kerin had an idea.  

She realised that she could not possibly resolve every conflict on the spot, so they began to have regular debriefs after every argument. They would share their feelings with each other, and think of ways they could improve. 

“What you said, made me feel this way. What I said, might make you feel this way.  

How can we do better?” 

With this nifty trick, the couple could then go on with whatever they were doing and wait until later at night or the next morning to have the debrief. This was usually when they were not as tired and emotional, and could better discuss what had happened. 

The journey is more rewarding when it’s more than me, myself, and my needs.

Recognise the unchangeable  

While there are things that can be changed and improved on, Ivan is clear that there are certain things that he needs to accept. He has learnt “to come to terms with reality, and to acknowledge that it’s never going to work in the way I want if I insist.”  

This does not mean that he has had to sacrifice all his ideals; rather he has learnt to temper his expectations in a way that makes them “realistic and workable.” 

Place your partner’s needs above yours 

Kerin and Ivan are very different individuals. Whenever they fight, Ivan would want to resolve it quickly while Kerin would prefer to have some space. Although Kerin has heard advice about how couples shouldn’t go to bed angry, she often needed time to process things on her own. Now, Ivan has come to understand her need for space, and to put her needs above his own. “The journey is more rewarding when it’s more than me, myself, and my needs,” he mused.  

Trust that your partner’s heart is for you, and communicate your heart with your partner. 

Share your heart 

Ultimately, expectations are not wrong. Many times, expectations can be helpful in setting a goal that both parties can work towards. But by communicating those expectations and learning to show grace when the other party falls short, we can minimise conflict and tensions in our marriage.  

As Kerin reminds us, “Trust that your partner’s heart is for you, and communicate your heart with your partner.” 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

9 Things to Know Before Getting Married

When two people come together in marriage, they often hope for a blissful and exciting journey ahead.  

But sometimes, the experience disappoints, resulting in doubt, anger, disappointment, or even hopelessness.  

 What are the ingredients of a good marriage, one that will indeed be “till death do us part?” And more importantly, what are some things you should know as you prepare to take the leap of faith into marriage? 

1. Things will never be perfect 

Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that once we tie the knot, things will be smooth-sailing and that all our issues will work out magically. Perhaps the first thing we should adjust is our expectations on our better half, as well as on this crazy little thing called marriage.  

It will take time, hard work, lots of patience and endurance to run the race well, and to learn to communicate our needs, quirks, likes and dislikes with this person whom we love but can also drive us up the wall. Acknowledging all these is a good first step toward building marital intimacy. 

2. Trust is key 

We know trust and commitment are vital ingredients in every thriving marriage, but what exactly does this mean? As one writer puts it, “[Trust] is made up of the many small things we choose to do (or not do) each day.” It is found in the way we speak to each other, the way we appreciate the things our spouse does, and the way we honour our word.  

Read more about trust here. 

3. Friendship is vital 

The secret to a long-lasting marriage is friendship. It may sound obvious, but it is easy to take your spouse for granted, and to forget even basic manners like being kind and gracious.  

Think about what your best friend would do for you – such as supporting you when you’re feeling down, cheering for you when you are facing a challenge – then strive to do the same for your spouse.  

As friends do, make time to have fun and discover new things together. Build a treasure trove of great memories that you can revisit throughout your lifetime.  

Men often value respect over everything else, and women, being loved. 

4. Men need respect; women need love 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, a New York Times bestselling author on marriage, points out that “men hear criticism as contempt [while] women feel silence as hostility.”  

At the heart of lies the different emotional needs of a man and a woman. We may want to avoid gender stereotypes, but we cannot deny that men often value respect over everything else, and women, being loved. Once we can understand this fundamental aspect of our spouse’s need, we can set our minds to meeting those needs and creating a positive cycle of interaction, instead of a negative one.  

Read more about love and respect here.  

5. Marriage is a team sport 

Regardless of how you sometimes feel, it is vital to remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. Build up your team spirit, improve the way you work together, and seek to understand the innermost thoughts of your spouse. This way, when life hurls its worst challenges at you, you both can stand strong, and support each other well through the ups and downs.   

6. Financial discussions are a must 

Money discussions are not always easy to have, especially when you’re caught in the tailwind of romance. However, money is one of the biggest sources of marital conflict, so it is worth diving into the topic early, and revisiting it intentionally.   

Discuss how you’ll share your finances after marriage, who will pay for what, and the checks and balances that you wish to set in place. Learn more about managing finances here. 

7. Learn to give and take 

In a healthy relationship, both parties need to learn to give and take, and there is a sense of balance and equity. When one partner is in need because of an illness or a demanding project at work, the other plays a supportive role without being asked, and without keeping score.  

Of course, this cannot be to the detriment of one party all of the time, as it could lead to feelings of resentment or being overlooked. 

We need not be overly afraid of conflict, as each fight could lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner. 

8. Seek to surprise, with chores 

When the shower drain is clogged with hair, or the toilets need to be scrubbed, it shouldn’t always fall on the same person to handle.  

For some couples, a set list of chores for each person helps, while others may split them based on their work schedules and competencies, rather than divvy them up equally. 

Regardless of whether the chore falls into your domain, remember that it’s always nice to surprise your spouse by taking the initiative to do it.   

9. There are ways to fight well 

Conflicts are part and parcel of married life. We need not be overly afraid of conflict, as each fight could lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner. 

Set some ground rules in this arena, for example, no matter how bad the conflict, let’s not say hurtful words or threaten to leave the marriage. Or, let’s keep short accounts and not bring up past mistakes or failures to hurt the other person.  

Even in the midst of a squabble, set your heart on understanding your spouse. Ask, what is important to him/her when it comes to this issue? Is there a deeper need that they’re finding hard to share?  

Remember – this is a journey of a lifetime, so give yourselves and each other the space and time to grow and learn! 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

When Results Aren’t The Only Thing

Growing up, exam season was a big thing. In my family, at least. 

Growing up in a neighbourhood school, I was constantly fed with the idea that working hard was the only way to a better life. 

In the lead-up to the PSLE, I would regularly wake up at 4am to study before I went to school. Even at the tender age of 12, my mum would buy me coffee so that I could stay awake. 

By all accounts, it worked, as I landed in one of the most elite schools in Singapore. 

Yet, the competition didn’t end there. It was only the beginning. For the rest of high school and college, I was given the narrative that we were the “cream of the crop”. Achievements were aplenty in my school. Each day, during assembly, we would see people winning Math Olympiads, international sports competitions, and being awarded book prizes.

I was struggling to even pass my exams at this point. Seeing these achievements around me fuelled my internal narrative that I was not enough. 

Finally in 2016, I won that overseas scholarship, but that only set me on a drive for more. 

It was worse now. I had a price tag to my value, with the $208,000 bond now quantifying my worth. I felt I had to work to justify what others had invested in me. 

In 2019, I thought I got all I wanted. 

The first-class honours, awards, and even a board directorship. 

But when I finally returned to Singapore, I was filled with a strange emptiness. I stuffed myself with cakes, chocolates and cookies to fill the emptiness within me. Within a month, I grew by 8kg. I realised I needed help. In October 2019, I saw a psychiatrist, and took antidepressants. 

It was an irony to imagine how far I’d fallen from grace – from a board director, to being put on antidepressants. 

I share this story because I want parents to know one thing: That what you might be pushing your child to – more accolades, better results, may not be the thing that satisfies them, nor you. 

There is a caveat though.

Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition.

Results are still important

As a social worker, I’ve seen some parents fling to the other extreme of declaring, “Results are not important! It’s okay if you fail.”

Striving for excellence in school is a good and healthy trait. Simply letting your child play is not ideal. 

We often say, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” But we forget the converse is also true. “All play and no work makes Jack a poor boy.”

Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition. 

My parents regularly communicated with me why academic excellence was important. It was made more real because of the multiple retrenchments my dad experienced during my growing up years. 

One night, after my father had been retrenched, my mum explained to me that academic excellence wouldn’t necessarily guarantee a more secure future, but it would provide a firmer foundation. 

It helped me understand why she was pushing me so hard.

My parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it.

Nurturing excellence outside of school

Inculcating your child with a healthy desire for excellence is necessary and important. 

I appreciated how my parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. 

It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it, and not because the school required it. 

For example, from the age of 4, they sent me for swim and art classes to inculcate a healthy lifestyle. 

For your child, you too can encourage hobbies outside of school. It can teach your child in nurturing a natural drive for excellence in what they want to do, rather than what they need to do. 

The key though is having a balance, rather than over-scheduling your child. We often apply an adult perspective of full-time work to a child’s schedule, without realising that some unhurried time may be beneficial to them.

Healthy boundaries around screen-based play

A healthy desire for excellence is also nurtured within well-structured boundaries, particularly around device usage. 

As a social worker, one of the most common parenting complaints I’ve seen is around a lack of control of screen usage. 

We may not realise the dangers of device use at an early age, when the brains of children are not fully developed. They may lack the maturity to self-manage their device usage. 

What’s interesting is also how tech titans have dealt with device usage in their own families. 

In the aftermath of the release of the iPad, Nick Bilton, a New York Times reporter, asked Steve Jobs, “Your kids must love the iPad, right?”

Jobs replied, “They haven’t used it. We limit the amount of technology our children use at home.”

Walter Isaacson, the biographer of Steve Jobs went on to report:

“Every night Steve insisted on dining at the big kitchen table, talking about books, history and a variety of other things. Nobody ever took out an iPad or a computer. The kids didn’t seem addicted to the devices. “

Balancing push and pull 

In the push for excellence, perhaps what is needed is to remember to pull our children towards us for nurturing. 

How? 

Whatever mark your child gets for their exams, take time to let them know that you appreciate the effort they’ve put in. Communicate the unconditional love you have, regardless of the mark they’ve achieved. 

In the lead-up to their exams, don’t gloss over the emotions of anxiety and fear that the child might experience. Take time to speak about it during dinners. Ask questions like: “How do you feel about your upcoming exams?”

Share your own experiences of exam anxiety when growing up. It models to your child that feelings are a valid aspect of who they are, and not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What our children long for

Often, our child’s studying habits can leave us feeling frustrated and angry. We wish they would study harder, spend less time on phone games, and be better behaved. 

We may unwittingly convey the message that our child can only be loved if they achieve better grades, stop playing so much, or be better behaved. 

In 2015, after receiving my A-Level results, I felt lost and anxious. I wanted to become a doctor, but I couldn’t, because of my results. 

I started actively thinking about suicide. In my mind, I rationalised it as, “Since I can’t become a doctor, there’s not much point in living.” 

Eventually I saw a doctor, who referred me to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH). In the wee hours of the morning, when I was finally allowed to go home, my father wrapped his arms around me, squeezed my shoulder, and said:

“John, straight A-s or no A-s, you’re still my son.”

Children long to be validated and loved for who they are, and not just who they will become. 

Today, perhaps it’s worth asking, “What if your child was doing the very best they could?”

How would that change your approach to them? 

It’s worth reflecting on.

 © 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Kindness – The Secret Sauce Of A Good Marriage

Kindness is an often overlooked characteristic of a successful marriage.  

Ask any married person what a key ingredient of a great marriage is, and you would receive answers like respect, commitment, honesty, and openness in communication.  

Just like cooking up a palatable dish, if a key ingredient is missing, the dish lacks the “oomph” that has you coming back for more.  

Kindness may not be the fundamental element that holds the marriage, but without generous dashes of it, your relationship cannot flourish.

What is kindness? 

According to the Cambridge academic content dictionary, kindness is defined as the quality of being generous, helpful, and caring about other people, or an act showing this quality. 

When people think of kindness, they often associate it with acts of generosity such as buying gifts, or acts of service such as taking out the trash.  

But being kind is both an attitude and an action. Do we treat our spouses with gentleness when they make mistakes or are we condescending? Do we insist on our way or do we consider our spouse’s needs and preferences in every situation? 

Of course, it is easy to be kind when things are going well or when your spouse is kind first. It’s a totally different story when things are not going well, or you perceive your spouse to be the one who is unkind or undeserving. Such angsty times are, in fact, opportunities to practise kindness.  

If you match a snide remark your spouse made with your own equally sarcastic comment, what you get at best, is negative vibes for that moment, but at worst, it could spark a cycle of tension and resentment in your marriage.  

However, if you try something different – instead of returning harsh words, you choose to speak with compassion or voice your emotion with an “I” statement, you halt the negativity in its tracks and might even get an apology from your spouse. 

As the saying goes, “Kindness begets kindness.” So, if couples make it a habit to exercise kindness toward each other, they will feel validated and cared for. Over time, it gives rise to an upward spiral of positivity and love, which nourishes the marital bond and fosters intimacy. 

If you are in a relationship that is struggling, conscious acts of kindness may not transform your marriage overnight, but they are a good start. Kindness has the power to change a marriage that has become lacklustre or contemptuous. What is required is effort and time to be a kinder partner.  

However, if you are experiencing abuse of any form or find yourselves entrenched in unhealthy patterns of communication, please seek professional help.  

Since kindness nourishes the marital bond and promotes emotional connection, why not flavour our marriages with the secret sauce of kindness?  

If couples make it a habit to exercise kindness toward each other, they will feel validated and cared for. 

Choose to be kind first 

We cannot make or force our spouse to be kind. However, we can choose to be kind regardless of our spouse’s attitude or actions. Being kind does not mean faking a smile when we are unhappy or yielding to demanding behaviour. It does mean we treat our spouse the way we want to be treated. If we want our marriage to be characterised by kindness, we can start by being kind first.  

Give without expecting payback 

Of course, it will not come easy if we perceive our spouse to be undeserving of kindness. That’s when it is helpful to examine our motivation for expressing kindness. If our goal is to give expecting a payback, we would be upset if our spouse does not reciprocate. When we extend kindness because it is the right thing to do, then the rewards are more far-reaching and long-lasting: a healthy, vibrant and thriving marriage. 

Schedule time for kindness 

This strategy may be deemed as lacking depth or hollow. But it is worth a try if your priority is to strengthen your relationship by becoming a kinder person.  

Random acts of kindness can increase good vibes and make your spouse feel validated. But they are just that – random. When you schedule time for kindness, your focus will be on ways to express kindness toward your spouse. So instead of ruminating over petty grievances that could potentially make you feel worse and zap your energy, set aside a little time on a regular basis – whether it is ten, twenty minutes, or whatever timeframe you are comfortable with – to do something thoughtful for your spouse.   

Daily acts of kindness not only nourishes your relationship; they can keep resentment taking root in your marriage. 

Tip: Embark on a 30-day kindness challenge to help you kickstart your journey of   kindness.

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop

Show kindness the way your spouse understands 

Our idea of acts of kindness may differ from our spouse. We may think that buying a gift is a kind act whereas our spouse experiences kindness when we refrain from using harsh words during a conflict. When we understand how our spouse wants to be treated kindly and express kindness from his/her frame of reference, we will likely have a happy spouse and relationship.

Kindness has the power to change a marriage that has become lacklustre or contemptuous. What is required is effort and time to be a kinder partner. 

Kindness in marriage matters. Without it, our marriage cannot flourish. If we want our marriage to be thriving, we can choose to be kind, and make conscious effort to show kindness to our spouse.  

What is one act of kindness you can do for your spouse today?  

 © 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

4 LOVE Habits To Cultivate In The New Year

When it comes to new year resolutions and goals, lifestyle habits such as productivity, finances, and nutrition are usually given more attention and focus.  

But what if we take time to develop new habits or relook at our current habits with the goal of strengthening our marriages? 

Healthy habits provide structure and consistency and cultivating them is important as they contribute to our marriage’s health and vitality. Additionally, relationship habits promote changes that are sustainable over time.   

Here are some Stop-Start-Show-Stay habits you might want to consider:  

Stop comparing, complaining, and criticising 

It is very easy and tempting to compare our spouse with someone else’s husband or wife, complain when our needs are not met, or criticise our spouse’s shortcomings: 

“My marketing manager manages her work and children so well; you can’t even discipline a three-year-old, let alone do well at work.”   

“My boss prioritises his family over his work, you can’t even have an uninterrupted meal with us. You are always on your phone.”  

Of course, your criticism might well reflect a very real and difficult marital issue you might be facing, and genuinely want to seek resolution for.  

But constant comparison, nitpicking, and focusing on what your spouse does wrong builds resentment, and may chip away at their motivation to do anything about it.  

A more effective approach is to express your concerns or dissatisfaction in a non-judgmental manner and share your needs or request for change.  

But constant comparison, nitpicking, and focusing on what your spouse does wrong builds resentment, and may chip away at their motivation to do anything about it. 

Start affirming and validating  

Our spouses want to know they are valued and accepted. Practicing unconditional positive regard not only uplifts our spouses, but also nourishes and gives the relationship a dose of fresh air during stressful times.  

Ideas to affirm and validate your spouse:  

  • Send an encouraging text message  
  • Tell your children how much you appreciate their father/mother for being a loving parent 
  • Show empathy through attentive listening
  • Share with your spouse a positive character trait that you like about him or her 
  • Plan a surprise birthday party or event for your spouse

Practicing unconditional positive regard not only uplifts our spouses, but also nourishes and gives the relationship a dose of fresh air during stressful times. 

Show appreciation and gratitude  

Taking our spouses for granted is a surefire way to sour the relationship. Here are some examples you may find familiar:  

  • He expects and gets used to her coaching the children in their studies and disciplining them when they misbehave.  
  • She sees it as his duty to work hard to support and provide for the family.  

As the saying goes “familiarity breeds contempt”; when a spouse’s contribution toward the welfare of the family is unappreciated or goes unrecognised, it can slowly create unhappiness and contempt.  

Make it a habit this new year to say “thank you” more often although it is not necessary to go overboard. Genuine expressions of appreciation will make you more grateful and your spouse will also feel affirmed, which will go a long way in enhancing the marriage bond. 

The grass is greener where it is watered and given tender loving care. 

Stay committed for the long haul  

Regardless of the number of years you are married, when your marriage hits a rut, it is tempting to think that “the grass is greener elsewhere” and fantasize about being married to another person.  

So, instead of spending time and energy working to revitalize the marriage, it is not uncommon for the “bored” or dissatisfied spouse to give excuses for not putting in effort or shift the blame onto the spouse.   

The prospect of having a new partner may seem like a wonderful alternative to a rocky marriage – especially at your lowest moments – but remember that you may just end up with a different set of problems with the new person.  

There is no easy way around it – the grass is greener where it is watered and given tender loving care.  

Here is an interesting quote that can be aptly applied to marriage:  

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it is convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.” –Ken Blanchard 

A marriage relationship is for keeping. Choose to be faithful and commit to tending and nurturing your relationship.  

Here are some practical ideas you can start working on today:  

  • List the good and gains you have from being married to your spouse  
  • Remember and recite your wedding vows and choose to uphold the promise to stay faithful 
  • Practice the art of forgiveness 
  • Display a family or marriage photo on your electronic devices or any spaces that serve as reminders of your goal to be faithful 

 Which habit do you want to cultivate in the new year to deepen your marriage bond? 

What is ONE habit you can jumpstart this week to reset your marriage? 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Bullying – Is Punishment The Way To Go?

Bullying refers to the use of strength or power to frighten or hurt weaker people. (Dictionaries, 2023)

I recently came across an account on bullying that took me by surprise. It wasn’t the act of bullying but the way the parents handled it that caught me off-guard. It was the first time I had ever heard of such an approach.

James is a quiet and reserved boy who loves helping those who are in need. When he entered primary school, his friends took advantage of his kindness and started bullying him. He had a classmate who was bigger in size compared to him, and bullied him often. He pushed James around and caused him hurt by pinching him. He also poured water on James out of his own bottle. Fearing that he would be bullied further, James did not dare to raise this to his teacher. Fortunately, because of the close relationship he has with his parents, he shared with them these incidents as soon as he got home every single time.

One would have expected his parents to fly into a rage and even lodge a police report because of the physical harm that was caused, but they did not.

I know that I can approach the school anytime

James’s father had a close relationship with the school because he was part of the parent support group. It gave him the confidence that he could go to the school to ask for assistance on this matter and it would be a better solution than to take matters into his own hands.

James also highlighted to his father that this boy was his classmate after all, and he did not wish to escalate the matter. His father took his advice.

There is wisdom in this approach. Escalating the matter could make things awkward for James to continue to be in the same classroom, because he would not know how to face this friend that his father had lodged a formal complaint against. And it would probably create more stress for James eventually.

Communication and education are better solutions to bullying, rather than punishment.

By punishing we will not learn

Rather than to get the form teacher to punish the boy harshly, James’s father requested for the bully to be counselled and educated on the detrimental effects of bullying. He also reiterated to the teacher that he does not wish for the bully to be punished. He believes that communication and education are better solutions in the long term. He was right.

This father’s story was a breath of fresh air. I realised that he was not only concerned about what his son had gone through, but he was also concerned about what the other boy would learn. He wanted to protect his child, and he also wanted the boy to learn what is right.

Often as parents, we tend to jump into the situation to defend our child. This is the parental instinct to protect our young in times of danger. But James’s father taught me to go one step further, to not only protect my child but also to champion what is right.

Punishing the child will only reiterate that what he did was wrong. It does not solve the root issue that he is going through. It does not equip the child with the right handles to relate to a classmate, to express his emotions in a safe manner. Communicating and educating does. It helps the child process why he acts in a certain manner, and it trains the child to think of how his actions impact others. This will result in real and lasting change.

This sharing has given me a fresh perspective on bullying, and a good one.

Bullying occurs anywhere, but children are a more vulnerable group. Especially younger children in the preschool and lower primary range, who may be unable to defend themselves.

Educating a child about bullying helps them process why they may act in a certain manner, and trains them to think of how his actions impact others.

While discussing this topic with some of my friends who are teachers in a preschool and primary school, they shared with me some very practical handles.

Tacking bullying in young children:

1. Safety first

Get away to a safe place. Do not engage or retaliate because it might result in more injuries. Go to a place where there are adults.

2. Seek help

Find a reliable adult, whether it is a teacher or parent, and seek help. Get them involved so that they can handle the situation. Adults are equipped with the knowledge and ability to deal with these matters in a safe manner.

3. Look out for changes in child’s behaviour

More often than not, young children are not able to articulate the stresses that they are undergoing. However, it shows up in their behaviors such as: Loss of appetite, isolation, emotional instability, overwhelming fear etc. These are major signs that your child may be going through something in school.

4. Get the full picture

Children do not have an accurate concept of time, and they also are not able to remember entirely what had happened. It is best to speak with their teachers to find out what exactly happened before deciding the best course of action. Relying on their words alone may not be helpful.

5. Work towards a win-win situation

Work together with the teacher for a win-win situation. It is not only important to protect the child, but also to ensure that there is a real and lasting change.

Bullying has to be corrected, not just prevented.

For privacy reasons, pseudonyms were used in this article.

Why Did My Parents Separate?

Primary years (7-9 years)

The separation or dissolution of a parent’s marriage can be devastating for children of any age. As children at this young age may not fully understand the complexities of human relationships and why their parents cannot stay married, keep your explanations simple. Focus on providing as much security, stability and assurance that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents, where possible.

Younger children may find it hard to process and describe their feelings at the onset of the news. But as they adjust to the changes or when they start seeing less of one parent, a mixture of sadness, fear, or anxiety may set in.

They may ask questions about how their parents’ separation will impact them and their daily routines. These include, “Who will I be staying with?”, “Will I still see my other parent regularly?”, “Will my parents get back together?”.

Some children may even wonder if they did something wrong or were the cause of the separation. Assure them that they are not the cause.

Reiterate that while there are going to be changes to the family and living arrangements, nothing will change your love for them, and they will continue to be loved and cared for. It is important not to badmouth your partner in front of your child, as this may add to the feelings of conflict and confusion.

Tween years (10-12 years)

Older children may experience a sense of loss with their parents separating and have a negative view of themselves compared to their peers. They may also feel anger, sadness or even resentment toward their parents for the breakdown in their marriage and family life.

Look out for any unusual behavioural changes as tweens may act out due to their difficult emotions, particularly if they find it hard to express their feelings with their parents. They may become withdrawn or develop attention-seeking behaviours due to the fear of being abandoned or neglected.

Some preteens may even vent the anger they feel on their siblings; bullying them, shouting at them or directing their frustration at them.

Instead of trying to make them accept the change and move on, take time to listen to check in on how they’re doing. Ask them to share their feelings, even if these are negative and you instinctively want to shut them down. Validate their feelings by saying, “I can see that you are upset/scared/angry. Can you tell me more?” This helps your child feel seen and heard and let’s them know that they can come to you with any of their difficult feelings.

Teen years (13-15 years)

Parents may assume that teenagers have greater mental capacity to deal with the adjustments now that they are older. However, this depends on the maturity of your child. If teens have heard their parents argue or seen one parent staying out a lot more, chances are they’ve picked up on what is happening.

Even when a separation or divorce is amicable, it’s natural for your teenagers to grieve the loss of their family. Give them space for their reactions or non-reactions, and time to process their feelings.

The pain from their parents’ separation can sometimes impact their identity, self-esteem, and future relationships. Remember that in this teenage stage, there are many changes taking place in their life, emotionally and mentally as well. This makes open and honest communication even more crucial in the time surrounding a divorce. Make sure your teen understands that they can come to you to talk about anything.

To maintain stability in their lives, it’s crucial to surround your teens with other nurturing relationships. Be intentional about building a supportive community around them, such as with their grandparents, extended family members like uncles and aunties, cousins or others trusted adults in their life, like a teacher, counsellor or coach.

Be patient even if your child seems like they are pushing you away. Open and honest communication reduces the chance of deep emotional problems festering beneath the surface.

Coping with divorce is hard at any age and children especially can have a more challenging time. If you are considering divorce, do consider how it can potentially impact your children and take time to help your children navigate the complex emotions surrounding divorce. If you are seeking counselling help, look no further.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more