Marriage's Life Stage: Newlywed

Infidelity: How to rebuild trust after an affair?

Rebuilding trust after an affair is a complex, emotional journey. The betrayal of infidelity shakes the very foundation of a marriage, leaving both spouses grappling with pain, anger, guilt, and a deep sense of loss. 

However, healing is possible if both parties are committed to the process. As Nah Kiat Yong, a counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore with over 11 years of experience, shares, “The journey of healing is not just about moving past the affair; it’s about addressing the trauma, rebuilding trust, and creating a new marriage.”

 

“The couple needs to work very hard. They need a lot of energy and vulnerability to open up and share their feelings and thoughts.” 

Understanding the emotional fallout 

Before delving into the steps of healing, it’s essential to acknowledge the emotional impact of infidelity. The pain experienced by the betrayed spouse is profound, often likened to trauma or PTSD. Symptoms like hypervigilance, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts are common.  

As Kiat Yong notes, “The betrayed often come in with emotional pain—some numb out, others have episodes of emotional explosion. Sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and depression are also prevalent.” 

The betrayer, too, suffers, though in different ways. Shame, guilt, and helplessness dominate their emotional landscape, and they may also be grieving the loss of their affair partner. Both spouses are in pain, and the healing process is neither linear nor easy. “The couple needs to work very hard,” says Kiat Yong. “They need a lot of energy and vulnerability to open up and share their feelings and thoughts.” 

“The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, express remorse, and take responsibility. If they have committed the affair, they have to admit it.” 

The importance of a safe space

One of the first steps in rebuilding trust is creating a safe space for the betrayed spouse to express their emotional pain. This involves using “I” statements to avoid escalating conflicts. Instead of saying, “You make me so angry,” the betrayed should express, “I am angry.” This approach helps prevent the betrayer from becoming defensive, allowing for a more productive dialogue. 

Kiat Yong emphasises the need for the betrayed spouse to ask questions about the affair repeatedly. This process, though painful, is crucial for the betrayed to make sense of their emotions and verify the consistency of their spouse’s answers. However, Kiat Yong advises against asking about the sexual details of the affair, as these can create lasting and damaging images that are difficult to overcome.  

Navigating the shame cycle 

For the betrayer, facing these questions can feel like an unbearable ordeal. They may feel cornered, eager to move on, or even protective of their spouse and/or their affair partner. Yet, avoiding these questions only prolongs the healing process. As Kiat Yong explains, “The more the betrayer is not forthcoming, the more the betrayed will poke and ask, and we cannot move on.”

The shame cycle can further complicate the process. When the betrayer falls into defensiveness, rationalisation, or justification, it only deepens the betrayed spouse’s pain. Instead, the betrayer must acknowledge their actions, express remorse, and take responsibility. “If they have committed the affair, they have to admit, ‘I made the wrong decision. I made the wrong choice. I have betrayed you.'” 

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about understanding the impact of the betrayal and choosing to move forward.”

The role of forgiveness in rebuilding trust 

Forgiveness is a critical component of rebuilding trust, but it must come after the betrayed spouse has fully expressed their pain and the betrayer has acknowledged their wrongdoing.

Kiat Yong asserts, “To the extent that we forgive is the extent we can rebuild trust.” However, forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about understanding the impact of the betrayal and choosing to move forward.

The betrayer must demonstrate sincere remorse and a willingness to change. This can be as simple as one’s daily actions—being more present, taking on household chores, or simply being there when the betrayed spouse needs to talk.

Actions speak louder than words in this stage of healing. As Kiat Yong puts it, “The brain of the betrayed is traumatised. The brain cannot trust anymore. So, if the spouse says, ‘I will choose you. I want the marriage. I will do anything,’ the betrayed will say, ‘But I don’t believe you because I can’t believe you. I want to believe you, but I can’t.'”

“The couple must work together to establish new patterns of interaction and address any lingering issues that may have contributed to the affair.” 

Rebuilding trust: a new marriage 

After forgiveness comes the work of rebuilding trust—not just in the betrayer but also in oneself. The betrayed spouse often struggles with self-doubt, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust their senses. They may wonder how they could have been deceived without suspecting anything, leading to thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my senses? I can’t even trust my senses. How can I trust myself again?”

Kiat Yong asserts that patience, consistency, and assurance from the betrayer will help the betrayed regain trust and confidence in themselves. It takes effort from both sides and compassion from the betrayer.

The focus must then shift to creating a new marriage. The old marriage, often marked by disconnection and unmet needs, has died. The couple must work together to establish new patterns of interaction and address any lingering issues that may have contributed to the affair.

This process is unique to each marriage and must be uncovered through counselling sessions. “We basically look at past interaction patterns as well as certain needs that have not been met,” Kiat Yong says. “The couple needs to work on this for the new marriage.” 

Preventing future trust issues

To prevent future trust issues, it is crucial for the betrayer to be emotionally available and supportive, especially during moments of triggers, flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts. Understanding the damage caused to the marriage and genuinely working towards healing are vital. As Kiat Yong points out, “If any man loves his wife and understands the damage, he will not do it again.”

Motivation is also a key element in successful recovery. Couples who are motivated to work on their marriage, who are willing to do the hard work of opening up, being vulnerable, and consistently showing up for each other, are more likely to recover well and quickly. 

“The biggest element is motivation,” Kiat Yong concludes. “If they are motivated to work on recovery, they will recover well and fast.”

A journey of hope and renewal 

Rebuilding trust after an affair is undoubtedly challenging, but it is not impossible. With commitment, vulnerability, and a willingness to face the pain head-on, couples can not only recover but also build a stronger, more connected marriage.

It requires both spouses to be patient with the process, to support each other through the emotional ups and downs, and to focus on creating a new, healthier relationship. In the words of Kiat Yong, “The old marriage has died, and they must focus on rebuilding the new marriage.”

What No One Told You About the First Year of Marriage

“I hereby declare you husband and wife!” Ahhh, the phrase that every couple longs to hear as they tie the knot before their family and friends, followed by a rousing applause and celebration. What could go wrong? 

Ask any seasoned couples who are decades into their marriage, and they will tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest! Beyond the endless romance that many newlyweds fantasise about in the days leading up to their wedding, it’s a time of navigating the new roles and of a husband and wife, which often includes adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, routines, and quirks. 

As a newlywed myself, I sought advice from five people who got married within the last five years to glean their wisdom on thriving in the first year of marriage. Here are their top tips to make this journey (and that of other newlyweds) less painful: 

Our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. 

1. Develop conflict resolution skills 

The top tip from everyone I interviewed was learning how to communicate with your spouse and develop conflict resolution skills. 

Benjamin (married for 3 years) stressed the importance of better communication during disagreements, particularly when making joint decisions. He shared a significant disagreement in his first year of marriage: choosing a designer for their home renovations. What should have been a fun bonding activity turned into a misunderstanding that left both parties hurt and sour. 

Benjamin said, “My wife thought that I was too fixated on my designer of choice and wasn’t open to considering other designers, but I was trying to let her know that I was in fact still open to considering our other options. Even though my intentions were right, my wife shared that she didn’t feel that openness from me when we were talking through our options, and this came down to the way I had phrased some comments and opinions during our discussion.” 

Having good intentions isn’t enough; your spouse needs to perceive them as such. Beyond word choice, our non-verbal communication (tone, body language, facial expressions) can betray one’s intentions. 

Sharon (married for 2 years) added that our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. She shares how her family’s tradition of celebrating occasions with meals and gifts differed from her husband’s, leading to misunderstandings as she interpreted his lack of meals and gifts as a sign of disinterest or care for her.   

Natasha (married for 4 years) added that a victim mentality, often developed in childhood, can cause one to “project unnecessary blame” onto their spouse when there was no ill intent. 

Understanding that your family origins affect how you interpret your spouse’s actions can help you avoid misplaced blame. Instead, you can share vulnerably about how certain actions makes you feel, and allow space for your spouse to extend compassion on your story. 

It is not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse.

2. Respect individual differences 

Another common tip was reframing differences and disagreements not as dealbreakers, but as normal and expected. 

Natasha initially felt the need to agree on everything with her husband, fearing that disagreements meant something was wrong with her or the marriage. This caused undue stress as she tried to “fix herself” whenever they didn’t see eye to eye. Over time, however, she learnt that it was not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse, especially in matters where there is a difference in views and opinions. 

Kerin (married for 2 years) highlighted the discovery of new habits and routines after moving in together, from different approaches to household chores to minor things like “when to turn off a switch”. She shared, “Every day is like watching Discovery Channel – from dishes to laundry, routines to minor things, there were just so many occurrences where we had squabbles. But it was a very necessary journey as we progressed in adapting to doing this new life together and realised the need to adapt and give each other grace as we learn to live together.” 

The key to a thriving marriage is understanding and adapting to each other’s family backgrounds and personal habits. Talk about the habits you want to keep from your respective families and which you should change. Create a unique family culture of your own that you are proud of and agree with your spouse about. Remember, you don’t have to continue operating as you did in your family of origin! 

Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. 

3. Manage expectations and assumptions 

The final tip is to be slow to jump to assumptions and instead ask questions when something your spouse did or didn’t do causes discomfort.  

Susie (married for 1 year) realised in her first month of marriage her quickness to make assumptions about her husband often led to unfounded conclusions.  

For example, “If I were feeling down and my husband does not show concern, I quickly assume that he does not care about me. When he gets especially quiet, I assume that must be upset with me. In actual fact, these negative assumptions are not true.” Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. This proactive approach helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters better communication. 

This is especially true and crucial for newlywedded couples who are living with their in-laws. Sharon shared, “You cannot expect your partner to understand and communicate with your parents on the same level that you do. There are bound to be misunderstandings on both sides, and you have to mitigate and also protect both sides.” Managing expectations of our spouses is so crucial to avoiding unnecessary conflicts that creates tensions and disharmony in the marriage. 

By implementing these practical steps, newlyweds can navigate the first year of marriage more smoothly and build a strong foundation for the future. 

Here are the key, actionable tips from my conversations with the 5 interviewees:  

  1. Develop conflict resolution skills
    • Mind non-verbal cues: Ensure your tone, body language, and facial expressions align with your words. 
    • Acknowledge family backgrounds: Recognise and discuss how your family of origin influences your judgments and interpretations. 
    • Avoid misplaced blame: Recognise if a victim mentality affects your perceptions and share how your spouse’s actions affect you. 
    • Be open to each other’s stories: Listen without judgment and extend empathy and compassion. 
  1. Respect individual differences
    • Normalise disagreements: Understand that disagreements are normal and not dealbreakers. 
    • Have honest conversations: Focus on honest discussions and pure intentions, even when views differ. 
    • Adapt to new habits and routines: Learn to give each other grace as you adapt to living together. 
    • Create a unique family culture: Discuss which habits from your respective families you want to keep or change, and agree on a new family culture you both are proud of and agreeable to. 
  1. Manage expectations and assumptions
    • Ask questions instead of assuming: When something your spouse does or doesn’t do causes discomfort, ask questions instead of making assumptions. 
    • Voice your thoughts: Share your feelings directly instead of expecting your spouse to read your mind. 
    • Manage expectations with in-laws: Recognise that misunderstandings with in-laws are normal and work to mitigate them by protecting each other. 

*Some details and names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved.  

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What happens after saying “I do?”

The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!

What to do when your marriage feels boring

“My marriage is going through the motions. It’s so boring.”

“I relish those times we had so much fun or excitement.”

“I wish there was more life in my marriage – right now, it’s just boring.”

Do any of these statements ring a bell? If so, you are not alone.

In the early stages of marriage, couples often feel excited or thrilled to be together, even when navigating the challenges of adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, temperaments, and quirks! As time passes, couples may feel as if their marriage has hit a “rinse and repeat” button, and keeping the spark alive can be a tall order. Without intentional effort to keep the spark alive, boredom soon sets in.

However, feeling bored in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. While there are seasons when you may feel like you’re stuck in a rut, boredom should not be a long-term trait in a healthy relationship.

“Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage.”

What are possible reasons for boredom in marriage? 

1. Predictability or familiarity  

Marriage can become predictable and repetitive. Seeing the same person every day and believing you know everything about your spouse can lead to feeling too comfortable and taking each other for granted.  

2. Being too busy 

Once you are married, there are new roles and responsibilities to navigate and adjust to. The focus on “you and me only” gradually shifts. Careers, work-related travels, children, and other obligations can take centre stage, leaving little time for each other. 

3. Lack of meaningful or deep conversations  

Communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Without making time to connect, you and your spouse will gradually drift apart and soon your relationship may lose its vitality and spark. 

4. Different interests and hobbies  

Your marriage can hit a rut when you and your spouse do not have common interests. While you may have separate interests and hobbies, it is necessary to also find activities you both enjoy doing together. This is a key ingredient that enables couples to bond and stick together for the long haul. 

 Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage, and take small steps to reignite the life and passion you once shared.  

“You affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them.”

What are strategies couples can consider to reignite the marriage flame? 

 1. Be proactive and intentional  

Boredom sets in when you stop being proactive or making the effort to tend and nurture the garden of your union. The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener in one’s marriage when it is watered with consistent, tender loving care.  

 2. Explore new things together 

If you and your spouse engage in the “same old, same old” shared activities, the lack of novelty or stimulation may have contributed to the boredom you experience. Consider breaking out of your routines and trying new things together, for example, volunteering at a soup kitchen, going for a couple spa or massage, or exploring the sights and sounds of a new neighbourhood. Novelty can reignite excitement and life into a marriage.   

3. Prioritise and pursue each other 

During courtship or the initial stages of marriage, your partner is high on your priority list, and you are pursuing each other regardless of your busy schedule. After you have successfully “won” each other, the pursuing often stops.  

If you want the fire in the relationship to be kept ablaze, you’ll need to continually pursue the heart of the love of your life, even amidst a busy schedule.  

4. Change how you think about your spouse and/or relationship 

Our thought patterns about marriage and our spouse can profoundly affect our love and feelings for our spouses.  

If you are inclined to focus on your spouse’s weaknesses, or you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship; you will experience a sense of dissatisfaction and become resentful that your needs and expectations are not met. Unwittingly, the relationship slides, and soon you and your spouse stop putting effort into the marriage. When this happens, the marriage stagnates.   

It has been said that what one focuses on grows. With this strategy, you affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them. This shift and change in perspective not only makes your spouse feel good about their strengths, but also helps them to grow and improve in their weaknesses over time. 

5. Get help or professional intervention  

Boredom is not a terminal condition, but can potentially be a threat to the relationship. This is particularly true if your feelings of boredom are linked with deeper issues, such as personal emotional baggage or unresolved issues in the relationship.  

Additionally, if persistent boredom results in a loss of interest in the relationship, it could be a sign of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety. It is helpful to approach a professional to talk things through and receive the appropriate guidance and help to address the underlying root issues.  

Regardless of how long you have been married, it is not uncommon to experience ups and downs in the relationship at one time or another. What is important is for couples to address and work through these obstacles together.  

Feeling bored doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship; it simply means you need to reconnect and rediscover the joy you once shared. 

Why Do We Keep Squabbling Over Nothing?

Have you ever got into a heated argument with your boy/girlfriend or spouse, and then looked back and thought, “What were we actually arguing about?” 

 

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. 

What Lies Behind These Petty Squabbles? 

At the heart of these seemingly small and insignificant conflicts is the basic human need to be seen and acknowledged. 

When we argue over “nothing,” what is often below the surface are feelings of being undervalued or unseen.  

It’s not about the socks left on the floor, but what those socks represent: perhaps there’s perceived imbalance in sharing household chores, or simply feeling unappreciated for what you do. 

 

Alicia Boo, Principal Counsellor of Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Small couple squabbles can sometimes be symptoms of larger issues in a relationship. It is important to look beneath the surface to explore our deeper needs and emotions that may not have been addressed.” 

 

Moreover, the fast-paced lifestyle and a highly stressful environment in Singapore can often exacerbate tensions over minor issues. 

 

As we find themselves struggling to connect or to share our deeper needs with our spouse due to a lack of time, every small irritation or tension can be further amplified, resulting in big and overwhelming feelings of being misunderstood or unloved. 

 

Active listening plays a crucial role here—and this involves more than just listening; it is about listening to understand the feelings and needs of the other person. 

 

Communication is Key

The cornerstone of navigating these minor conflicts lies in effective communication. It’s essential for us to learn how to be open about our feelings and perspectives, while keeping blame and harsh criticism out of the equation.  

Active listening plays a crucial role here—and this involves more than just listening; it is about listening to understand the feelings and needs of the other person. 

 

As Ms Boo explains, “By putting oneself in the other’s shoes, it becomes easier to understand their frustrations and respond in love and kindness. Practising empathetic listening can prevent many conflicts from escalating.” 

 

How to Fight and Stay in Love: Some Practical Strategies

  1. Pick your battles: Not every disagreement needs to be a battle. Sometimes, letting go of the small stuff can lead to greater peace and focus on what truly matters in the relationship. 
  2. Establish rituals of connection: Regularly set aside time to connect without distractions. Whether it’s a weekly date night or a brief coffee break together, these moments can build a buffer against the stress of daily life and reduce the likelihood of conflicts.
  3. Choose your words carefully: We all know that emotions can get high during fights, which is why it’s always important to make measured statements and give your partner calm responses. And to call for a time out if emotions get out of control. Remember, effective communication should be the cornerstone of every couple squabble.
  4. Use “I” statements: Frame your feelings and needs in terms of “I” rather than “you.” For example, saying “I feel overwhelmed when the living room is cluttered” instead of “You never clean up” can foster a more constructive conversation.
  5. Seek to listen to understand and resolve the issue: Remember that the goal of engaging in any conflict is to gain a deeper understanding of each other. If you direct your energy at identifying and resolving the issue, and not at hurting your partner’s feelings or proving that you’re right, you are on the right track.
  6. Make requests instead of complaints: Your message may be better received if you frame it as a request rather than a complaint. Instead of saying, “Why don’t you ever pick up your dirty socks and clothing,” try something like, “The bedroom is looking messy—can you remember to place your dirty laundry into the basket next time?”
  7. Consider professional help: If minor conflicts are frequent and damaging, it might be helpful to consult with a relationship counsellor. Professional guidance can provide tools and strategies to improve communication and resolve conflicts. 

It’s almost a given that petty squabbles will erupt at some point in a relationship—especially in marriage as we spend considerable amounts of time with our spouse. 

 

The good news is that conflicts can lead to greater understanding, if we learn to fight well, communicate with empathy, and commit to stay in love with the other person regardless of what has been said or done. 

Best Date Ever 2024

We believe that dating and pursuing your spouse nurtures and strengthens your relationships for the long haul. However, dates after marriage may start to feel predictable or rushed after a while, and these become missed opportunities to build deeper connections with each other. 

If you are looking to break away from your usual date routine and not fret about planning a different yet meaningful couple date, we’ve got you covered! 

Best Date Ever is a date event that will surely bring out your playful sides with fun and engaging activities, alongside various opportunities for you and your spouse to deepen your connection over specially crafted experiences. Discover new things about each other, bond over great food and conversations, and look forward to a great time together! 

It’s time to re-connect & re-ignite the romance in your marriage at Best Date Ever with your forever date!  

In your Best Date Ever Experience, you can look forward to,
1.
Special One-on-One Time: Relish a delightful meal together and bond over fun and meaningful couple activities.  
2.
Strengthen Your Connection: Express affection and appreciation through intimate and heartfelt conversations.
3.
Create Unforgettable Memories: Build excitement for future dates and make lasting memories to strengthen your marriage.

This experience includes:

Regular rate: $220 / couple 
(worth $250 / couple)

  • 4-course Western meal 
  • Best Date Ever Kit
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Connect2 is an initiative by Focus on the Family Singapore to help married couples nurture and grow their relationship.

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Triggers: A Fertile Ground to Cultivate Intimacy

“Hey, why not we just have the night banquet in your home? After all, there’s enough space, and we can cut cost on renting an event’s space”. 

“You didn’t even ask me what I want for the banquet! Yes, you have your own idea of what that day will look like, but I have mine too, you know?! If we were to have it in my home, I will feel the need to host people. It’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be hosting people!” 

What was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon of planning for our night banquet quickly turned into a tense, sour moment for my fiancée and I.  

Triggers.  

Every couple is familiar with them. As intimacy deepens, so does the potential for triggers to arise when unspoken expectations or needs aren’t fulfilled. These triggers can surface when certain aspects of the past or deeply held beliefs come into play within the relationship.  

Definition of emotional triggers:

  • An event, experience, object, or people that spark an intense emotional reaction.  
  • The cause for emotional triggers is often rooted in early childhood experiences, where an unpleasant event or difficult experience left core needs unmet, and the resulting pain was left unprocessed by our caregivers.

As an adult, we experience certain situations that remind us of some of these painful early experiences. Our bodies re-live these painful moments, and it triggers these negative reactions.  

Triggers with your partner are opportunities for either deep disconnection and pain, or deep healing and growth. The outcome depends primarily on how these moments are processed with our partner.  

How can we reframe triggers as not something to be avoided, but something to be anticipated, perhaps even embraced? How can triggers be a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom with your partner? Here are two simple steps: curiosity, and compassion.

While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. 

Practise curiosity 

Triggers are moments for your partner and you to extend curiosity on your past. While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. Making peace looks like courageously revisiting those memories, and releasing the hurts, pain, and anger associated with those memories. It’s releasing the people whom we want to hold responsible for what happened to us. 

Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk wrote in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “When we cannot find a way to make our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations part of a consistent narrative, we become overwhelmed by our inner experiences and react as though we are facing an outside threat.”  

  1. In moments of triggers, allow yourself to practise curiosity and awareness of your thoughts, memories, emotions, and physical sensations. 

     

  2. Then, share vulnerably what’s happening internally with your partner, by narrating what you are feeling inside. 

     

  3. Allow yourself to sit with the mix of emotions, whether it’s pain, hurt, anger, sadness, fear, or shame. Write them down on paper.

     

  4. Release these painful memories and emotions in your heart, and allow your partner to witness you. 

     

  5. Once you have shared your inner experience with your partner, allow him to extend compassion on what you’ve just shared. 

     

  6. This can look like being silently present with you, giving you a reassuring hug or squeeze of your hands, or simply nodding his head with care and empathy. 

Continuing the example from above, this was what my partner responded to me after she calmed down:

“Sorry for losing my cool with you earlier. I understand and see your heart for cost-savings, but could you give me the space to share what was happening to me internally earlier?” 

“When you suggested to have the wedding banquet at my home, my body started to become flooded with a rising hot feeling in my belly. I started to feel so angry, because I had the expectation that you would consider my opinion on the matter. I felt so unseen and uncared for, and suddenly it felt as if I was a little girl again. 

When I was younger, I grew up with three highly opinionated siblings. My parents always had a hard time, even for something as simple as choosing a dine-out place, my three siblings always insisted on their choice. I didn’t want to add to their stress, so I didn’t voice my opinion, even though deep down I always wondered, ‘How about me? When is it my turn to choose?’. I became quieter and quieter. I learned that to be accepted in my family, I would have to be invisible. To not voice my needs and desires. I hated it, but I chose to do it because it was what I needed to not make life harder for my parents.” 

Sharing our internal process with someone trustworthy allows us to heal. Brené Brown wrote in her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. 

Allow your partner to extend compassion on your story  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. It’s to see the pain we have experienced mirrored in the eyes of our partner—and to unlearn the lie from our childhood that we are uncared for.  

From my response of compassion, my fiancée learns that she is not invisible; she is seen and loved and her needs matter to me. She can voice her opinion of how she envisions the night banquet to be, and not be dismissed for her desires. Her vulnerability also gives me the opportunity to empathise and feel with her. Mother Theresa aptly said, “The eyes of the compassionate bring healing and restoration to the broken.” 

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. 

 

When we are able to courageously acknowledge what happened to us, and allow another to enter into our story and empathise with our pain, a deep bond of trust is built that is unparalleled.  

This is how triggers become a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom, not a landmine to be tip-toed around.  

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. Our intimate, safe relationships in adulthood is an opportunity to heal and find closure for these painful experiences, and to build new beliefs. As you practise curiosity in moments of triggers, and allow your partner to extend compassion on your story, may you experience deeper healing, intimacy, and freedom in your life. 

*Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved. 

How Do I Know My Marriage Is Ready for Kids?

After saying, “I do”, it is natural to desire building your nest, and enjoy the freedom of couple-hood. It is also not uncommon for some couples to focus on their career aspirations and goals. But there may come a time when you or your spouse are drawn to conversations with friends or colleagues about babies and parenthood. Or when your social media feed pops up cute images of babies and you dream about having children of your own, and decorating the room for a little one. You feel you are ready to expand your family of creation.  

But are you? 

It has been said that it takes two to tango. The decision to become a parent is a weighty one that should be made intentionally as a couple. Adding a new member requires the readiness of the husband and wife; It is not merely an individual choice.  

Thus, if you are considering parenthood, it is fitting that as a couple, instead of asking, “Am I ready for parenthood?” you might want to ask, “Is our marriage ready for parenthood?” 

If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the cracks in the relationship.

What are the factors to determine if your marriage is ready for a baby? 

1. Relationship strength and vitality 

The health of your marriage is crucial if you want to add children to the mix. Most marriage mentors or counsellors encourage couples to invest time and effort to work on their marriage issues, and strengthen their relationship before the baby arrives. Studies have shown that when the baby arrives, marital satisfaction will take a dip because of the transitional stresses, added responsibilities, and demands of parenthood.  

If the marriage relationship is unstable, having a baby will not improve it; instead, parenthood may amplify the existing cracks in the relationship. 

Here are some conversation starters for you and your spouse to reflect on and discuss:

  1. How do I envision our lives changing when we have a baby?
  2. What freedoms am I willing to give up that I have now?
  3. How will we make time for our marriage relationship?
  4. If we were to stop having sex for a few months, how would my spouse respond?
  5. How do we handle stress and conflict as a couple?
  6. How do I communicate when I am feeling sleep-deprived and overwhelmed?
  7. What would I want my spouse to do/say when I feel inadequate as a parent, or when my self-esteem takes a beating post-pregnancy?
  8. What comes to mind when I think of the father or mother I want to be?
  9. What are our values regarding raising children, and sharing responsibility and involvement in parenthood? If our values are in conflict, how can we find a middle ground?
  10. What is our parenting style? If they are different, how do we foresee this affecting the way we parent as a team?
  11. What family traditions do I want to carry over from my childhood? What do I wish to do differently?

2. Physical health

When planning to start a family, it is important that you and your spouse are in good health. Visit the gynaecologist or doctor for a health assessment and make the necessary adjustments so that you increase your odds of having a healthy baby. It is worthwhile to switch to a healthier lifestyle: Eat healthily, give up the smoking habit, start an exercise regime! These small changes can strengthen your overall physical health and prepare your body to manage the stresses of the transition to parenthood. 

3. Financial health

Having an additional mouth to feed means there will be an increase in the family expenses. It is important to ensure your financial preparedness for such a commitment. As to the financial cost of raising a child, it is very subjective. If you have a steady income as a couple, a budget that works, and the ability to effectively manage your finances, you are in a favourable position to start a family. That being said, it is always a good idea to take a serious look at your financial goals and commitments; if need be, consult a financial expert to advise you and your spouse.

4. Social support 

Taking care of a baby is physically, emotionally, and psychologically demanding. Today, not many married women want to be a full-time homemaker. Whether you choose to become a full-time homemaker or to balance motherhood and a career, it is important to ensure there is a good support system that you can reach out to in times of need. They can be your parents, in-laws, trusted friends, faith community, or siblings. These are the people who will make time to listen to you, encourage you when the going gets tough, or provide practical help to ease the stresses of caring for your child.

Becoming parents is a lifelong commitment that requires a couple to make the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully.

5. Emotional and psychological stability 

Becoming a parent is life-changing, joyful, and rewarding. At the same time, caring for a baby comes with its fair share of ups and downs. For the mother, the nine months of pregnancy with its physical discomfort, such as morning sickness, fatigue, and back pain can set off unpleasant feelings of frustration or anxiety. Additionally, post-pregnancy bodily changes can cause a dent in a mother’s self-esteem, especially when she finds that she cannot expeditiously get back into shape after childbirth.  

For the father, having to share the wife’s attention and closeness with a new member of the family, the dip in sexual contact, and the financial commitments can pose a challenge mentally and emotionally. 

It would be helpful for the couple to be emotionally and psychologically stable In order to navigate such a major milestone together.  

For many couples, having children is a cherished goal, bringing joy and fulfilment. Having a baby is indeed a life-changing, exciting, and heart-warming experience. However, it is a weighty decision that requires deliberate introspection and reflection, and making the necessary attitude and lifestyle adjustments to navigate this milestone successfully. It is certainly worthwhile to make time to engage in honest and open conversations to determine if you and your spouse are ready to become parents. 

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What happens after saying “I do?”

The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here! 

The Emerging Family Report

Introduction

The Emerging Family Report presents a summary of the discussions held at State of the Family 2024: Shaping Next Generation Relationships. State of the Family is Focus’ annual event which aims to provide our key partners with an analysis of emerging trends impacting the Family.

Who exactly are the Emerging Families? They consist of the young families of today and the youth of our nation, both of whom represent the future of Singapore.

Key highlights include the results from Focus’ Fatherhood Involvement and Marriage Aspirations Survey and FamChamps® #FamilyForTheWin Survey, which were both conducted in 2023.

The observations, discussion questions, and insights presented in this report aims to help you think through the trends surrounding Emerging Families and determine how you might be able to apply these in your context.

Research Findings

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When Your Marriage is Overcast

Faced with gloomy skies, a person’s energy level drops and there can be worry about what those dark clouds can bring. Things can feel bleak when your marriage is in this weather. 

On the surface, everything is “business as usual”; some may even say how good your marriage seems! But you know that something’s not right in your relationship.  

Cracks in the marriage have widened into chasms. It could be that disagreements have peaked and can now threaten to break your marriage. Healthy communication may have come to a standstill, and you are in the quicksand of resentment or disappointment.  

Neglect is the key contributor for marriages moving into Overcast weather. Perhaps you both went on autopilot – life was busy and you were occupied with different things. There have been little quality and quantity time with each other, much less time to work through disagreements or unhappiness. 

Couples in this weather face one major decision: do we avoid the issues and let our marriage wither away? Or do we choose to have crucial difficult conversations, dig deeper to remember our “first love”, and commit to move out of this stalemate together? 

Think of it as the ultimatum. There’s just no waiting around, hoping the weather will turn for the better by itself. 

The hope in an Overcast marriage 

Are you too busy? Decisively cut out inessential social activities, commitments, or time-draining hobbies to make time for each other.  

A wife who feels unloved and unappreciated will feel rejected. A husband who doesn’t have his wife’s trust and respect will withdraw and disengage. 

What are some things that have undermined mutual love and respect in your marriage? 

If negligence drove your marriage to the edge, then making intentional decisions to nurture your marriage is necessary to turn it around. 

Are you too busy? Decisively cut out inessential social activities, commitments, or time-draining hobbies to make time for each other.  

If you feel that your relationship lacks fun and excitement, find common activities that both of you can enjoy. Or you can take turns to do what each other likes. This shows your spouse that you want to enter into their world and it can also help you better understand and appreciate what they are like. 

Pick up a marriage resource or attend a marriage enrichment programme to communicate better. 

Start small, but start somewhere. 

This is also where plugging into a healthy and strong community that supports your marriage is important and necessary. Is there a trusted couple you both are comfortable sharing your marital struggles with? Arrange to meet up, and invite them to journey with you and your spouse out of this weather. 

Overcast skies are here. But keep calm and start doing things differently, because all is not lost; there is hope for a turnaround. 

Making the best of an overcast marriage

For the husband

What can you do in this weather?

  • Conserve your energy (and word bank) for your wife, especially if you are a man of few words. Make effort to have conversation with her every day. 
  • Look out for the little things and let her know that you noticed them. Maybe she had a haircut or added a new ornament to the house; acknowledge them and compliment her. 
  • Learn new communication strategies to connect with her healthily. 

Things to watch out for: 

  • Guard your heart. When you feel distant from your wife, it is easy to be drawn to other friendships where you feel understood and accepted or activities that take your mind off things or energise you. 
  • Do not look for quick fixes to your problems. In the same way that your marriage did not hit this rut overnight, it will take time and intentional effort for you both to walk out of it. 
  • “Cave time” may be necessary for you to recharge, but don’t retreat to it whenever things get tense. That can come off as stonewalling to your wife. Your presence speaks volumes of your commitment to her in the marriage—through thick and thin. 

Avoid slipping into the blame game and always making it “his problem”.

For the wife

What can you do in this weather?

  • Be quick to apologise if you are at fault, and be ready to forgive (and forget) when he apologises for his faults. 
  • Notice the small acts of service he does for you, your family, or in the home. Express gratitude, and tell him that it matters to you. 
  • Initiate intimacy with your husband and let him know that he is still attractive and desirable. 

Things to watch out for: 

  • Avoid slipping into the blame game and always making it “his problem”. Your husband will naturally become defensive and may choose to disengage. 
  • Do not compare your marriage with “better” marriages you see around you or on social media, or let your mind wander with the “what ifs”. 
  • Eliminate negative talk – which could come across as criticism, sarcasm, or ridicule. Speak kindly, even when you are upset, so that he will be encouraged to communicate with you. 

Couple conversations for this weather

  • When were the best years of our marriage, and why? 
  • What bothers you most about the current state of our marriage? 
  • What is one thing that you would like me to do to make you feel appreciated and loved? 

A thriving marriage in every weather

This is a difficult weather for you and your spouse to be in. Hold on to each other because there can be a turnaround in your marriage. 

Every bride and groom enters into their union with a promise to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do they part. 

When the marriage hits a rough patch, or when you and your spouse no longer enjoy each other, consider how you can live out your vows. As someone once said: It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love. 

“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect… I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And that promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them; it was the promise.” – Thornton Wilder 

No matter what weather your marriage is in, you can make your relationship with your spouse the best that it can be.