3 Myths to Debunk Before Marriage
Start your lifelong journey strong
Published on 09 May, 2024
Getting married is a big milestone for every couple. It is the beginning of a union where two very different people enter a covenant to do life together – “till death do us part.” While couples relish in the glitz and glamour of the wedding celebration, there are also some key areas for consideration to ensure that the marital journey ahead will be less bumpy.
Here are three myths surrounding marriage that we should be aware of, even as we plan towards saying “I do.”
Myth: We must secure a BTO before our wedding
My personal experience:
The first question for many couples is where they should live. The default option for young couples who are fairly new in the workforce is to get a BTO (Build-to-Order) flat. It allows them time to save up for the downpayment and renovation works, and places the least strain on their income.
However, the downside to BTOs is the long waiting time of between three to five years. It means that the couple would either marry later, rent a unit, or live with their parents or in-laws.
My husband and I chose the latter; we decided to stay with his family because we wanted to save on rent. However, I had to prepare myself mentally as conflict with my in-laws would be inevitable during my three-year stay simply because we have different backgrounds and upbringing.
It was a reminder that my husband’s family is now my family, and vice versa.
It was indeed difficult to find common ground at times, but I felt that staying with my in-laws also helped me to understand them more. I learnt how to communicate better with them and show love in personal and tangible ways. It was a reminder that my husband’s family is now my family, and vice versa.
Additionally, I saw my husband’s lifestyle and habits when I stayed with his family. I could understand why he did things in certain ways that were very different from mine. I then knew what to expect when we had our own house; and true enough, his lifestyle was 100% transferred over to our new home!
Through this, I learnt that it is still viable to get married before owning our own home. A good guideline for couples is to consider their financial state at that time and how it would evolve when their keys are ready. It would not be wise to deplete all your savings post-renovation because running the household involves regular expenses as well. Couples should aim to live as comfortably as possible without incurring high levels of debt, so that they can prioritise their marital relationship in the first few years.
Myth: Household chores must be shared 50-50
My personal experience:
Household chores form a subtle yet big part of married life; there just seems to be an unending list of tasks involved in upkeeping a home. A lot of time and energy is often required to tackle these chores, and unhappiness over this area can be a threat to our marriage if we are not careful.
My husband and I split our chores according to our strengths – it is easier to do the things we are good at.
We often hear people say that household chores should be split 50-50, and it does sound logical and fair for both parties to equally contribute to the home. However, there is a better way to look at this, a marriage-friendly way.
My husband and I split our chores according to our strengths – it is easier to do the things we are good at. We also prioritised the chores that needed to be done in terms of frequency and urgency before dividing them between us.
There should also be a mutual understanding that exceptions may occur, like when one person falls sick, must work overtime or is in a busy season. In such circumstances, there needs to be more appreciation and understanding on the part of the other spouse. We learnt to view ourselves as a team, rather than competitors seeking to outdo each other. We should aim to help each other succeed.
Myth: Children are very expensive to upkeep
My personal experience:
Shortly after getting married, couples are often asked the golden question, “When are you guys planning to have kids?” Raising children is a heavy responsibility. With today’s rising costs of living, competitiveness of society, and exposure to conflicting parenting advice everywhere, parenting can seem like a tough feat not for the faint-hearted.
But children are also gifts given to us as precious lives to be nurtured and loved. My husband and I love children, and we think that having children adds a different dimension to our marriage. We get to experience family life beyond just ourselves.
There are definitely sacrifices to be made, especially in the early years, but the hope I hold on to as a young parent is that these will pass. All the inconveniences and even discomfort of caring for young children will one day make way for the satisfaction and joy of seeing our children become responsible and caring adults.
Ensuring that there is proper planning and a solid community that you can turn to will help you make an informed choice regarding children. Understanding your current financial state and talking to other parents about what to expect in the early years of parenting will give you a better idea of what is to come. Even better if you can visit family or friends with young children to observe how parenting is like in real time!
There are days when I look back at our decisions in these areas and wonder if my husband and I had made wise choices. On some days I feel regret, and on other days I feel these were our best decisions ever!
Marriage is an adventure; it involves challenges and risks but also much growth and wonder. And as we question some of these common assumptions surrounding marriage, may we find new ways to manage our own expectations and carve our own pathways forward.
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