Published on 17 March, 2026
At a glance:
“Sorry, sir, I don’t see your names in our system,” the receptionist said.
David looked at his wife, Jen, in disbelief. They had planned a much-needed getaway months ago, and he was certain he’d booked the room.
After asking several questions to make sure their booking really wasn’t anywhere in the system, David replied, “OK, thanks for your time…we’ll figure something out.”
David and Jen could have reacted in frustration, lost hope for an enjoyable time and returned home. They could have turned on each other, blaming and shaming the other for not doing their part to prevent the mix-up. But they decided to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. After all, they still had tickets for a concert and other events during the week.
Because of their calm, adaptable approach to the problem, Jen and David ended up finding a much nicer room with a better discount than what they had originally reserved, and on top of that, received a refund for the resort’s slipup.
Within a marriage, each spouse has their own shortcomings. When you add those weaknesses to the unforeseen stressors of life, it can be easy for couples to react to each other in anger or frustration.
Relaxed. Not easily agitated. Steady. These are just a few words that describe the characteristics of psychological flexibility.
According to Jennifer Daks and Dr. Ronald Rogge, psychological flexibility is a “set of skills that individuals engage when presented with difficult or challenging thoughts, feelings, emotions or experiences.” In other words, it’s the ability to handle others’ differences and life’s difficulties in a healthy manner.
Being easygoing and flexible, however, does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. “It doesn’t mean you have to be disrespected and demeaned consistently,” Wendy Brown, licensed marriage and family therapist, explains. “There are times to set very firm, inflexible boundaries for self-protection and preservation.” Seek support and safety to help end any abuse in your marriage.
To help clarify, some characteristics of psychological flexibility include the ability to:
There are times to set very firm, inflexible boundaries for self-protection and preservation.
While psychological flexibility is good for a marriage, psychological inflexibility can damage a relationship. Psychological inflexibility is characterised by:
According to a meta-analysis of over 100 studies on people in romantic relationships, couples demonstrating psychological inflexibility experience:
“Without flexibility we can get stuck in that survival brain mode fight, flight or freeze response,” Brown says.
Being psychologically inflexible can also lead to spousal abuse. Someone who refuses to accept their spouse for who they are and doesn’t recognise their spouse’s value in the relationship most likely leads with domineering control, Brown explains. If that’s the case, the couple should receive professional help and/or the abused spouse should seek safety and guidance.
See emotions as information instead of excuses to react
It’s not uncommon for spouses to become frustrated, hurt or fearful, and then behave in ways they may regret later on. Heated remarks easily spill out, and either you or your spouse can make unwise, impulsive decisions in an instant.
When you feel your emotions intensifying, take a step back and evaluate them. Maybe this means telling your spouse you need to leave the room for five minutes before responding.
Ask yourself: What do I think about my feelings right now? And are my feelings aligned with what I value in my marriage? Remember what you consider most important in the relationship and what you value, and act accordingly.
Focus on connection instead of control
Dwelling on past instances of your spouse’s faults is easy to do, but living with unforgiveness and resentment only leads to distance, division and a desire to control your spouse. Choose to forgive instead and let go of past hurts.
Once you’ve let go of the past hurt, engage with your spouse in the present moment. Go on a fun date. Ask your spouse what’s been positive and what’s been hard for them recently. Connect with them emotionally by listening to them and acknowledging their feelings.
Coming up from 16-19 May 2026 (Sat-Tue), Connect2 Marriage Getaway is an all-inclusive overseas residential 4D3N experience designed for couples to step away from the busyness of daily life and strengthen their marriage. Learn more and register at www.family.org.sg/MarriageGetaway
© 2021 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Originally published on FocusOnTheFamily.com. Updated 2026.
Nelson and Gina
Workshop: May 2026
Nelson and Gina Lee have been accredited facilitators with Focus on the Family Singapore for over a decade, beginning their involvement conducting relationship talks for tertiary students since 2011.
Driven by a passion for nurturing strong relationships, they have extensive experience in facilitating dating workshops for courting couples and pre-marital programmes for those considering marriage. They have also have led marriage retreats designed to deepen connection and commitment among married couples.
