Resource Type: Articles

Is My Child Addicted to Gaming?

As a parent, you may have struggled with your children exceeding their screen time limits just so that they can continue playing Mobile Legends. You may have been frustrated at the many times where your child pleads, “Last game, mum!”  

Sometimes, you may even resort to switching off (and plucking out!) the WIFI router so that your child can no longer access the internet to play his games.  

All these are common challenges in today’s digital age, says Ray Chua, a principal clinical psychologist who’s been working with gamers since 2009.    

Some of the common questions that Ray has been asked include: 

  1. How do I know if my child is addicted to gaming? 
  2. How do I stop my child from gaming so much? 

In this article, Ray sheds some light on this matter.  

Understanding the heart of a gamer  

Ray believes in “addressing the problem but loving the child.” For that to happen, one important thing to understand is why gamers even game. What are children really looking for when they game?  

There are three reasons:  

1. A sense of achievement 

Many gamers that Ray works with are underperforming in school. He remembers one Primary 6 client who wrote a letter to his mother, telling her that he knew he would not do well for PSLE. But things looked very different in BlackShot, a first-person shooter game in which he excelled in.  

No one likes the feeling of constantly failing to meet expectations in every part of their life. Knowing that our children are fuelled by a sense of achievement derived from gaming can help us better empathise with them.  

2. A sense of connection 

Your child may have friends in school, but it’s not only the physical connection that matters, but the emotional connection. As former US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy wrote in his book Together, “Loneliness is the absence of physical and emotional connection.”  

When children play online games with their friends, they may feel a sense of camaraderie with them, and have shared topics of interest to talk about in school.  

3. A form of escape 

Many of the children that Ray sees have problems in their life which they find it challenging to resolve, and gaming is effective as a form of escape. 

But when does gaming become a problem?  

How can parents tell if their child is addicted?  

There are four criteria under the WHO International Classification of Diseases (ICD) for gaming disorder.  

Firstly, the child must demonstrate impaired control, such that they are losing control over their gaming behaviour.   

The second criterion is an increasing priority over other things in life. “Gaming takes precedence over other interests. For example, it becomes more important than sleep, food, or going to school.” 

The third criterion is continuing to game despite negative consequences. They may be failing, or getting into trouble in school. They may be quarrelling daily with their parents over gaming, but they continue to play. 

The fourth involves functioning. “Their functioning needs to be affected because there are gamers out there who play a lot, but are still keeping up with their schoolwork and managing their life pretty well,” explained Ray. 

These criteria have to exist for a period of at least 12 months, unless the symptoms are severe, for the person to be diagnosed as having a gaming disorder. Of course, parents may not want to wait till their child is displaying problems for a year before seeking help.  

What can they do if there are already observable concerns? 

When you’ve deposited into their emotional bank account, they will know you’re disciplining them out of love, and not anger. 

Prevention is better than cure  

One recommendation for parents of younger children is to delay the introduction of games, for as long as possible.  

“There are many developmental milestones for a child to reach and build at the ages of preschool or even early primary school.” Delaying the introduction of games can give more time for younger children to hone the ability to delay gratification, allowing them to build a healthier relationship with games. A practical way is to give your child a basic phone, rather than an internet-enabled smartphone, suggested Ray. Alternatively, parents can install parental controls to limit online access. 

Experts worldwide agree that early introduction of digital technology may change the psychology of young children in ways that are still unknown. The hit documentary “The Social Dilemma” revealed how persuasive technology may be ‘hooking’ users of social media, and eventually causing addiction.  

The same concepts are often applied to game design, with tactics such as requiring gamers to log-in for consecutive days to score streaks. What you may not know is that underlying this ‘game design’ is the strategy to form habit loops.  

The relationship is the heart of the matter 

Working towards healthy gaming habits requires a strong parent-child relationship.  

Ray explained, “This is the period of time where you can deposit into their emotional bank account. You will need it because when the time comes, sooner or later they will start playing games and you will need to instil boundaries and rules and even discipline them. This will tap on this reservoir of relationship that you have built with them over the years. They will know you’re disciplining them out of love, and not anger.” 

If your relationship with your child is already strained, regulate yourself first, then seek to understand your child’s motivations. 

But what if the relationship is already strained?  

If your relationship with your child is already strained, Ray urged parents to first look inwards.  

“Regulate yourself, and ensure that you’re not disciplining the child out of anger.”  

Sometimes, our children’s behaviour may reflect our own flaws, or even remind us of our past, causing us to feel triggered and upset.  

Being aware that this is happening can be the first step towards better managing our frustrations when we see our child playing excessively.  

Thereafter, seek to understand your child’s motivations.  

“Think about what your child’s motivations are. For example, if your child is using games to escape from the real world, perhaps taking time to listen to your child, and supporting him with tools to deal with the problems in real life can reduce the instances of escape gaming.”  

Understanding why the child games, and equipping them with coping mechanisms to deal with life’s challenges can help you make a lasting change in your child’s life.  

We are not perfect 

Ray’s parting words offer much comfort, “We are all not perfect parents. We are still learning. To become better parents. To become better guides to our kids.” And our children too, are learning to function in what can be a scary and confusing world.  

Even as we set boundaries around gaming and device use, let’s keep our relationship with our kids at the centre. With our parent-child relationship secure, perhaps games will no longer be the anchor our children base their identity on. 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

How to Talk to Your Children About Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Despite being 26 this year, I remember the first time I was ever exposed to a conversation on LGBTQ+. It was in my first year of university, as a starry-eyed 21-year-old, ten thousand miles away from Singapore.  

My parents never talked to me about LGTBQ+, nor did school teach me about this.  

How times have changed.  

If you’re the parent of a child today, you may be confused, anxious and worried over how much exposure your child is getting to this issue in the current social media environment. You may be wondering how best to talk to your child about this.  

With the recent government announcement about the repeal of Section 377A, which criminalises sex between men, it may be all the more critical to begin engaging your child in this conversation.  

Here are some guidelines that can help. 

Understand the context  

Firstly, it helps to understand your child’s development. Your child’s brain is not fully developed until around the age of 25. That may mean that the concerns your child brings to you may be part of a phase, rather than anything permanent.  

This is especially the case during puberty, where your child experiences rapid changes hormonally and within their bodies. They may find themselves “attracted” to someone of the same gender and start having questions about their own sexuality.  

As a parent, you play an important role in helping the child to recognise that this emotional turbulence and confusion within them, may be a passing phase or even just a form of admiration for a same-sex peer.   

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pay attention to what your child says or cast doubt on everything they say. But do be aware that such a confusion over their identity or sexuality could be experienced by your child but need not signal something life-changing.  

Be the safe space, early on  

As parents, you may never have had conversations with your own parents about sex. That may influence your level of comfort with having these conversations with your own kids.  

But having these conversations as early as possible can remind your child that you are a safe space where they can raise questions and concerns about what can be a confusing world to live in.  

You may not want your child to end up being swayed by their peers in school, without them having learnt anchors that can hold them steady in these turbulent times.  

I spoke to June Yong, Lead of Insights at Focus on the Family Singapore, and she provided these helpful conversational handles: 

  • Approach it as an ongoing conversation  

Build on the topic layer by layer. For example, for preschoolers, start with the basics – naming of body parts, sexual identity, and how babies are made. Through this, you can help your child understand that this means every child has one mummy and one daddy who “made” them.  

By the time children are 9 or 10 years old, you may want to explore how the body changes during puberty and what to expect, or discuss the dangers of porn. 

  • Equip based on family values 

It is good to reach a consensus with your spouse on your family’s stand on dating and boundaries in relationships, so that you can explain to your child your values in a calm and thoughtful way.    

These first principles can help them to form a good foundation to tackle issues around LGBTQ+ later.  

As parents, often, it’s important to distinguish whether we cannot or do not want to have these conversations. The former is a question of ability, which can be learnt through helpful workshops.  

But not wanting to can be more subtle. We may find ourselves discomforted by the idea of having such conversations with our children. We may experience a sudden blush, feeling sheepish or embarrassed of the idea of talking about the birds and the bees.  

Perhaps we need to first get in touch with our own discomfort, and just be aware that it’s there. We could then be more open to acknowledging that we, as parents, don’t have all the answers.  

The key thing is – Be available and willing to journey with our child through that process, and to figure it out together. Grab hold of teaching moments when they present themselves, and try not to skirt the elephant in the room simply because of the discomfort.  

LGBTQ is not an easy issue to discuss. But it will be made easier if your child already has a good relationship with you, marked by psychological safety.

Jumpstart with questions    

Take it as a learning journey for yourself, too.  

Questions can serve as a useful jumpstart to these tricky conversations. Some helpful questions include: 

  • What do you think about the recent move to repeal 377A?  

This can be a useful way to use current affairs to start a conversation.  

  • What do your teachers/friends say? 

It may be easier for your child to talk about what their friends, or others think, rather than what they personally think. Use these as starting points to explore your child’s thoughts on the issue.  

Share your own experiences  

It can be helpful for you to share your own questions about the issue. As parents, we sometimes expect ourselves to know it all. Realistically, we can’t.  

I remember hearing this gem from a 70-year-old community leader: “Well John, I don’t know if I have all the answers. But what I do know is that we may sometimes miss the tree for the forest. And that perhaps the issue isn’t confusion over homosexuality, but confusion over our own sexuality.”  

This position of “vulnerable inquiry”, where you share your own challenges working through the LGBTQ+ debate, but also share your own anchors to negotiating this issue, can model to your child a better way to think about the issue.  

Celebrate your child’s milestones  

Most parents don’t think of celebrating their daughter’s first period, as periods are often associated with pain and discomfort. But it is also a significant milestone in your daughter’s journey into womanhood.  

Imagine if we celebrated moments like these and used the opportunity to affirm our children’s sense of self, helping them be proud of who they are, and how they are made.  

For boys, some parents like to throw a big birthday bash when they reach their first double-digit birthday, using the occasion to talk about one’s duties and responsibilities as a young man, and the challenges that may come with that. This can be another way in to speaking about LGBTQ+.  

For example, you might say: 

  • Sometimes as we grow up, we may find ourselves liking another person of the same sex. This may be admiration, rather than attraction. Do you know what the difference is?  
  • In some other countries, people of the same sex can marry and bring up children. What do you think are the pros and cons of such living arrangements?  

Enlist mentor figures 

As children grow, they may start taking reference from their peers, rather than you. Even if it’s tough getting through to your teenager, persevere and keep reaching out and building bridges. 

At times, it may be useful to find age-similar role models for your child and intentionally help them connect with trusted friends whom they can speak to about careers, relationship, and life. Such mentor figures can serve as a guide for your children during these difficult times. 

Relationship is key  

LGBTQ is not an easy issue to discuss. But it will be made easier if your child already has a good relationship with you, marked by psychological safety. Think of psychological safety as a warm bubble bath on a cold day – an environment where your child feels safe to bring their worries and concerns, knowing that you won’t fault them for it.  

Building this takes time. It takes trust. And perhaps most importantly, it takes love. A love that will accept differences in opinion, disagreements, while also offering a principled stand on an issue that has divided our nation.  

Because I believe that it is such a responsible and boundaried love that will ultimately keep us united and strong.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What Changed My Mind About Having Kids

“The most we’ll have is one child, and if not, none. It’s just too expensive to have kids in Singapore.” 

In this day and age, it is common to hear such a narrative. Increasingly more youth and young adults are either indifferent towards having a child or do not want a child. A primary reason is having to deal with the high costs of living in Singapore.  

Parenting also involves a significant investment of time and energy. It is little wonder then that fewer married couples find it desirable to have children today.  

What struck me about the words above was that they were spoken to me by a family member who loves children. Although he and his girlfriend enjoyed being around kids, they felt it was too costly to have their own. This got me thinking: If even people who love kids aren’t keen on becoming parents, why would anyone still want to have children today?  

The real costs to raising children 

Many people whom I’ve met have the impression that I’m a “family man” through and through. While it is true that I am passionate about family life today, it was not always so!  

Growing up, I could not understand why anyone would invest so much of their lives in their children only to have so many outcomes beyond their control. I even used to wonder why people would congratulate parents on the arrival of a new baby! 

Now as a father myself, I can appreciate the sacrifices that parents make to give their best to their children. Before my son was born, I had invested much of my time in martial arts. I had the ambition of becoming an instructor, a goal that seemed attainable given my passion and dedication to the art.  

But as the date of my son’s birth drew near, I grappled with the fact that commitment to martial arts would mean being away from my family quite often. Even my attention at home would be compromised as I had to spend time practising when away from the gym.  

After months of deliberation, I ceased my gym membership. I tried switching to other martial arts with a lower time commitment, but a few weeks in, I realised that my family would still feel my absence at home. I decided it was best that I quit the hobby altogether for my family’s sake, though I did so with a heavy heart.  

This is just one example of the many choices parents make at their own expense to give their best to their children. Indeed, the costs involved in raising a child are very real. 

Children are our best teachers, and they remind us that there is so much of the world around us to explore and enjoy.  

But there are also real joys   

If the cost is so high, what then could have convinced me to cross over to this side of the fence? 

My turning point came during an encounter with a neighbour several years ago. This next-door neighbour was very young, no more than two years old at the time. That afternoon, I was re-entering the house after disposing trash in the common chute when he peeked out of his gate, curious to see what I was doing.  

I smiled and gave a little wave. Just before I shut the door however, he gave me a big smile in return. It was the first time I had experienced such a moment of connection with a child. I’d never thought of myself as child-friendly before, so I was surprised the boy wanted to interact with me at all. Though the interaction was fleeting, the pure joy of being greeted by his smile softened my perspectives towards children. 

As the years went by, and with more interactions with other children, I slowly began to understand the joy of being with kids.  

For me, parenthood takes this joy to a deeper level. When I became a father, I was awestruck by the miracle in my arms as I observed the movements of my son’s tiny chest and his peacefulness as he slept safely in my embrace. 

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve now experienced tossing a ball and running freely in the park with him, and I realise these moments of fun and discovery with our children provide a sense of respite from the toils and complexities of our grown-up world.  

Raising my own kids has opened my eyes to the meaning of life and the joy of family. And I feel so privileged to be able to carve a strong and precious bond with my children in their early years, a bond that will hopefully anchor our family through every season of life.   

Children are our best teachers, and they remind us that there is so much of the world around us to explore and enjoy.  

How do you value children or count the joys they bring through their adorable smiles, hearty laughter, and pure wonder? 

The true value of children 

It is hard to put a price tag on children; after all, how do you value children or count the joys they bring through their adorable smiles, hearty laughter, and pure wonder? 

On the flip side, because we live in such a pragmatic society, it is easy to calculate the costs of raising a child. 

The truth is, having children is not a fully rational decision you make. We can budget and count the cost beforehand, but we will never be able to comprehend or behold the joys until we get there. 

As parents, our desires and hopes are often very simple. Ask any parent what they desire most for their child, and the likely answer you’ll get is: “For them to grow up happy, healthy and strong.” Few would say, “I hope they will become the next CEO of a multi-million dollar company.”  

And yes, while there are day-to-day challenges to overcome, I think my biggest takeaway as a father is that my children open my eyes to the joys of life, and anchor me to the present moment. And the love we share helps me find the strength to tackle the challenges of tomorrow.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

4 CALM Strategies to Support Your Anxious Child

All children feel anxious or worried from time to time. It is a normal part of growing up. As parents, we cannot shield our children from feelings of anxiety. How we can support them is to help them cope with their worries or anxieties. 

In a recent podcast, I shared four strategies using the acronym C.A.L.M to help parents support their anxious children. Here they are:  

Change negative self-talk to an empowering one  

Emotions such as anxiety do not exist in a vacuum.  

Our thinking often influences our emotions, which in turn guide our behaviour.  

To go deeper and truly understand our children’s concerns, let’s listen out for their self-talk. Some examples of negative self-talk are: “I am not good enough” “I am never going to make it” “No matter how hard I try; I will never measure up.” 

I remember when my younger child was in her secondary school years, whenever she was sitting for a school exam, she would say out loud, “I will surely fail this exam.”  

It became her automatic response every time an exam was around the corner.

Our thinking often influences our emotions, which in turn guide our behaviour. 

I found it baffling that she would articulate such a statements when I or other family members did not engage in such a “fortune-telling” thinking trap with her. 

When I noticed the pattern, I asked her, “How do you know you will fail if you have not seen the exam paper or taken the exam.” And she would reply, “I will surely do very badly even if I don’t fail.” 

Eventually, I found out that several of her classmates often made such statements in class whenever the school or national exams drew near.  

She eventually flipped “I will surely fail” into an empowering belief and went on to do well in the national exams. 

So, I used the FIND IT, FIX IT, and FLIP IT techniques to help my child.

Find it – Discover the negative thought that triggers anxious feelings. In her case, it is, “I will surely fail.” Identify this as an unhealthy thought pattern.  

Fix it – Challenge these negative thoughts. What is the evidence to support such beliefs? Did she always fail the school exams? What about the times she did not fail? Were there times she did well?  

Flip it – Once the self-defeating thought has been identified and scrutinised, change it to a healthy one. For example, we can replace it with, “I will give my best during the exams, and I will be very happy if I do well. Even if I don’t get the results I expect, I can handle it.” 

Was it an overnight change? Of course not. But practice makes progress. It is heartening that she eventually flipped “I will surely fail” into an empowering belief and went on to do well in the national exams.  

Acknowledge and validate, but do not reinforce  

If your child tells you she is afraid her friends would make fun of her because she got a new hairdo, do not dismiss her feelings by saying, “Don’t worry,” or “Just ignore them.”  

Also don’t amplify her anxiety by saying, “They may laugh at you, but so what.”  

Try this instead, “You are afraid they will laugh at you and make you feel embarrassed. It is okay to be scared. Let us think of ways to help you get through this.”  

Learn to cope by thinking things through  

Talk with your child about what would happen if her fear came true – how would she handle it? 

Brainstorm with your child on what she can say to her classmates in response.  

Your child may come up with the idea to ignore her classmates’ teasing until they stop on their own. Or she may say to them “I still like my new hairdo. My parents like it and my dad thinks it is cool.” 

For some children or teenagers, having a plan to respond to anxiety-provoking scenarios can reduce the uncertainty they feel.  

Model healthy ways of managing anxiety 

We can help ourchildren cope with anxious feelings by letting them see how we cope with ours.  

Children are very perceptive. If you keep complaining about meeting work deadlines to your spouse or telling friends you are avoiding certain situations because you are worried, they are going to internalise your coping strategies. 

I am not suggesting you always present a stoic or unruffled posture and pretend you have it all under control. 

But you can intentionally allow your children to hear or watch you manage your fears or worries managing these unpleasant feelings as best you can, and then feeling good about getting through them. 

And even if you do vent in front of your kids, not all is lost. Also let them see how you recover your composure, whether it’s by taking time out or going for a walk. 

There you have it – four practical ways to calm your child’s nerves.  

Which strategy will you start implementing to support your anxious child? 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

How To Embrace Fatherhood with Gusto

Isaac Tan laughed when he recounted how everything changed the first time his 18-month-old daughter, Julia, cried. He had to drop everything and attend to her.  

Nothing could have ever prepared the Creative Director of SGAG for that special moment. There was no time to warm up. It was drop and go.  

But he also reminisced, “That moment of holding Julia, my firstborn, in the hospital room, was nothing short of magical.”  

But those magical moments of first-time parenthood came sprinkled with a myriad of challenges. How did this young father cope? 

‘I’m first a husband’ 

Isaac acknowledged that the most difficult thing initially was the fatigue of being a new father. Having to tend to Julia through the night, support his wife, and handle the other household chores was not easy. But that’s where he gained an insight, “I’m not just a father…I’m also a husband.”  

Isaac recounted that he had made his marriage vows to his wife, and not to his child. That helped him to realise that one of the most important things in transiting to fatherhood was also to focus on his spouse as wife, and not simply as a mother to Julia.  

This focus on their marital relationship helped them to build a strong base to navigate the challenges of parenting, particularly in aligning their parenting practices as each had different experiences growing up.  

He thus made it a point to talk about their day before going to bed. “As we navigated parenthood together, we took time through communicating to align what we favoured more, in terms of a way of parenting, or what we didn’t like about a certain method or logic. We were also open to making adjustments along the way.” 

One of the most important things in transiting to fatherhood was also to focus on his spouse as wife, and not simply as a mother to Julia. 

There’s no one-size-fits-all 

Isaac recalls how his father took a different approach with Isaac and his brothers. His father spent one-on-one time with each of them, taking time to build trust and understand them as unique individuals.  

This experience has helped him realise that his next child could be quite different from Julia, and that he needs to learn how to be a father to each child.   

Learn from others 

While Isaac has picked up invaluable lessons on fathering from his own growing-up experience, he also sees the importance of having a community of support around him.  

However, amongst his peers, he was one of the first to get married and have a child. This meant that his peers couldn’t necessarily understand his situation.  

So he talked to older couples who had “gone a few steps ahead of us.” He shared vulnerably with them about his struggles and listened to their advice.  

This experience of gleaning from the wisdom of others has inspired him to take the initiative to reach out to other soon-to-be parents around him – starting from his colleagues at SGAG. 

He feels that these parents may not necessarily know what they don’t know, and thus may not even know what to ask.  

Questions such as “What do I bring when my wife is delivering the baby?” may not even come to mind. Thus, actively reaching out and sharing his insights has helped Isaac find joy in his role as a father.  

He mused, “Having someone looking out for (new parents) can help them feel less alone in their journey.”

Having someone looking out for (new parents) can help them feel less alone in their journey. 

Plan your time well 

Leading a team of creatives at SGAG on top of managing fatherhood duties has meant that Isaac needs to use routines and scheduling to his advantage.  

He shared candidly, “I want to take the guesswork out of things because you are just tired all the time.”  

He plans his day with Google Calendar, knowing his obligations at each moment of the day. That has also helped him to schedule time for self-care.  

“Scheduling is my number one pro-tip,” he added, “Early on in my journey of being a dad, everything was uncertain. I found that when you could make something certain, you would be a lot more certain about everything else.” 

Fatherhood may feel like a great responsibility, but it doesn’t need to be a lonely journey. Isaac advised, “We can cut ourselves some slack, every now and then. We’re all still learning, we’re all still a work-in-progress. Also, remember that it’s no shame to ask the rest.”  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

How to Nurture Your Youth to be a Confident Young Adult

We all want our children to grow to become responsible, competent, and confident adults. 

But what exactly does that look like, and how do we get there? 

Adulting is a term that’s been bantered around rather frequently now and is used by young adults to describe their new roles and experiences. Often, this is done with humour and tagged onto chores you have to pick up, new financial commitments and so on.  

But more than these things, young adulthood is also about stepping up – stepping into bigger responsibilities, wider social circles and navigating what the big (and sometimes scary) world means for you as an individual.  

Focus on the Family Singapore spoke with two young adults, Nicole Soh, 20, and Jakin Tan, 21, recently on IG Live, on this topic. Here, they share from a young adult’s perspective what adulting looks like, and some tips on how you can set your teen up for success in navigating this life transition and beyond. 

Tip #1: Create a safe space for conversations 

As Nicole is graduating very soon from polytechnic, for her, adulting for her means making a lot of big decisions about school and career. 

She recalled the time when she had to help her dad see the merits of a polytechnic education. Prior to this decision, she felt that conversations with her dad revolved mostly around grades. But as she became more intentional about engaging him in other matters, she found him gradually becoming more open about her pursuing a polytechnic education. Today, she appreciates that she has a safe space to discuss with her parents about the things she learns in school and other happenings around them. 

As for mum, Nicole is most appreciative of how she would ask probing questions as she was growing up, questions that would help her to form her own opinions on things, and to have greater clarity on why she wants to make certain choices. 

She said, “Dad and mum played different roles in my growing up years. I appreciate that they are able to bring very unique approaches to the table. And that they are willing to discuss things, and go back and forth with me.” 

Tip #2: Give them opportunities to make decisions 

Jakin is currently waiting to start his university studies in linguistics. But he still remembers vividly how his parents empowered him from young to make his own choices and weighing the pros and cons of each option. (He even kept the notebook he wrote in when deciding on whether to opt for homeschooling or formal schooling!) 

He credits his parents for instilling in him a strong sense of independence, and thinks it has helped him to be able to make his own choices, including understanding the “whys” that go into each decision. 

Tip #3: Let go, gradually 

Jakin described the process of letting go he witnessed in his parents when his elder brother started university, “Because my elder brother is living in a university hall and only comes back on weekends, so a lot of the time he’s living his own life. So I’ve seen my parents be able to chill, and recognise that they have no control over the choices he makes in school. All they can do is just trust that their parenting has been good enough.” 

“Now it’s my turn. When I make my own choices, I will have certain reasons, and if I explain it to them, they will let me do what I think is best for myself.” 

Nicole chimed in, “If you have younger teens aged 13-14, like just starting secondary school, not only do they have the world to explore, but there are also the dangers of the world. So, it’s totally valid and understandable to be a helicopter parent, to make sure the child is safe.” 

“So, on one hand, there are some things parents cannot be there 24/7. On the other hand, there are also instances where the kid wants to hang on for a little bit longer. I think when we have the foundation, we won’t be easily swayed and we know we can always come home to our family, where it’s a safe space.” 

“As parents, it’s natural to worry,” Jakin added, “but instead of telling your child not to do this or that, just educate them on what’s good and bad. Your kid will find out anyway, whether it’s about porn or sex, so it’s better to guide them as it will teach them how to make logical decisions.”  

Very often, parents may feel guilty for not doing enough. But very often, we already feel very loved when you’re just sitting there beside us, listening to us share about our day.

Tip #4: Sit beside them and listen     

It doesn’t mean that parents always have to do the hard work of education or encouraging our teens. Most of the time, our quiet presence is enough. 

As Nicole said, “Very often, parents may feel guilty for not doing enough. But very often, we already feel very loved when you’re just sitting there beside us, listening to us share about our day.”  

As parents, it can be hard to restrain ourselves from jumping in and making big decisions for our children, so we can “save” them from making mistakes. But if we look at the longer term, we may begin to see the benefit of allowing them some leeway as they grow to make certain choices and to raise their own viewpoints. 

By providing a safe space for conversations and heartfelt sharing to take place in the home, we are actually helping them gain a strong sense of self and identity, promoting confidence and responsibility, while also building a healthy parent-child relationship.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.  

5 Practical Ways for Mums to Overcome Discouragement

The dishes from lunch are still occupying the sink.  The toddler has been screaming ad nauseam for the past five minutes to eternity, having woken up from an unsatisfying nap and not finding you there. The kids are rolling into their fourth hour of television- while you are hacking your way through conference call after conference call. The house looks an epic mess, with toys strewn all over like a disaster zone. You have no clue what you’re going to put together for dinner, and you don’t care. You can’t care. Your boss is awaiting impatiently for your monthly sales report.  

I guess it’s not hard to imagine ourselves in the story above. We’ve all been there at some point, haven’t we?  

Days where we felt physically ill, mentally stressed, and simply overwhelmed as a mum, defeated and discouraged from the frontlines of motherhood.  

It’s easy to fall into that rut of despair and self-doubt when:  

  • The opinions of those in (or outside of) our circle nag at us  
  • We experience physical limitations, lack of time, lack of money, lack of space, sleep deprivation  
  • Our children’s and spouse’s attitudes, health concerns, or behavioural shortcomings wear us down 

Before we know it, we are at rock bottom.  

How do we dig ourselves out from the trenches of guilt and failure? Having to juggle work and kids can be tiresome enough, and even more so in this pandemic.  

It’s so easy to feel overworked and under-appreciated. Apart from fishing for gratitude or affirmation from the husband and kids, what can we do to help ourselves ride out the tough days? 

Rather than focus on the negative moments, look instead at how far you’ve travelled

Here some practical tips that can help turn our day around and get us off the ground and up on our feet again:   

1. “Life is a video, and not a photograph”

In other words, our bad moments do not define who we are in one freeze-frame. Our journey is made up of changing snapshots in time that could and often do get better, even if they occasionally dip and get worse. It is normal to feel discouraged today, but find hope and motivation tomorrow. We can get unstuck from a single frame! 

When a few days don’t work well and we hit some kinks along the road, have faith that it will all even out. We may lack the skills in the present for some things, but we can surely make up for it in other areas. Your kids can’t have a mum who whips up nutritious meals daily – but they usually have nourishing food on the table, save for some junk meals once in a while! Also, no mum never yells -ever!    

Rather than focus on the negative moments, look instead at how far you’ve travelled. And focus on growing a little every day. 

With the 90-second rule, it is important to acknowledge and accept that strong emotion, and to breathe through it. Otherwise, we may remain stuck in that feeling. 

2. The “90-second rule” 

In her study of the brain, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor discovered the “90-second rule of emotions,” which illustrates how transient feelings are. 

According to Bolte Taylor, “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.” 

With the 90-second rule, it is important to acknowledge and accept that strong emotion, and to breathe through it. Otherwise, we may remain stuck in that feeling. 

For example you might say out loud or think to yourself: “I am feeling very tired and grumpy right now,” and then find a way to move on: “But I will look into this after my bath.” 

Another way is to pause, and to visualise a wave washing over you. Name that wave of emotion, and allow it to subside. 

3. Accept where you are at

We don’t have to make excuses when things don’t turn out right. But we need to be honest and kind to ourselves to accept where we are and start making little steps to improve.  

“The house is a mess, it bothers me, but it won’t be like this forever. I can cope for a time and make small changes to the way I do things.” 

Don’t be tempted to start a pity party but take time to have a good cry and recentre your priorities. Avoid minimising the failure or frustration you’re feeling, but take the healthy step towards forgiving yourself and making progress forward.  

4. Have a long-term growth mindset 

Acknowledge that the parenting journey is for the long haul and some seasons are going to be tougher than others – New job transitions, getting pregnant, relationship issues with teens, health and personal losses.  

In the grander scheme of things, all these experiences can help to stretch us to become better, stronger and wiser than we already are. The growth mindset isn’t just for academic or athletic pursuits: it can be applied to parenting too! Don’t waste these difficult periods – even if they can be such a pain in the butt! These times will pass.   

5. Reposition your heart with gratitude

Positioning our parenting with a vantage point of gratitude is an important pick-me-up for how we see things on a bad day.   

Tweak our words. Resist saying “I have to,” and replace it with “I get to.” It really makes a significant difference.    

Compare this:  

“I have to drive my kid to gym class” versus “ I get to drive my kid to gym class today!”  

“I have to put the baby to bed” versus “I get to put the baby to bed!” 

This isn’t about bluffing ourselves or sugar-coating, but the words we use can make a huge difference to nudge us about the little things we’ve taken for granted that others can no longer turn back time to enjoy.   

A few bad days are just hiccups compared to the privilege of raising our little ones – and we all know we won’t trade it for the world!  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Letting Go of My Emerging Teen

The adolescent years can be such a trying stage – not just for teens, but also for us parents. During these sensitive and awkward years, our teens experience tumultuous changes on all fronts, their bodies often eager to charge forward like a new Ferrari, but their pre-frontal cortex (in charge of most of their reasoning, planning and impulse control behaviours) is playing catch-up.  

For every teen revving through this exciting wave of development, there is a parent clutching on to the roof handle and hanging on for dear life. Excited as we are watching our child growing to become their own person, and figuring out who they are as an individual, we are also holding our breath and questioning: Have we done enough? Will they sink or will they soar?  

Coupled with the rising tensions at home as parent and teen wrestle to be in the driver’s seat, it is not surprising to see why teenhood is often deemed the most difficult years since the terrible twos. 

Letting go of my emerging teen has been one of the hardest lesson for me as a mum – particularly since she entered Secondary One this year. I find myself often caught off guard by the inner conflict between my heart and my mind. Every so often, I ding-dong between wanting to keep my daughter close to me and releasing her to fly.  

But I tell myself that I am not alone with such feelings.    

Even parents with the best intentions have wrestled with letting go of their teens.   

Stepping back for our child to step up 

Author Gary Chapman in his book, Things I wish I’d Known Before My child Became A Teenager, writes, “I wish I’d known that the urge for independence is a good thing, not a bad thing, and that as a parent I needed to cooperate with and guide the process.” 

While we may know in our heads that a teen’s quest for autonomy and independence is a good thing, it doesn’t make it an easy thing to accept, in our hearts. After all, we have always been the ones shielding and protecting our children from harm, and making decisions that are in their best interest.  

In the midst of navigating this transition, two things have been helpful: One, recognising that letting go is a gradual process. Two, adjusting the way I parent and learning to be a coach to my growing teen.  

In moments when they fail, allow them to bear the consequences of their mistakes and use them as teachable moments. 

1. Letting go is a gradual process

By reframing letting go to letting (him/her) grow, parents can shift their perspective from, “I am losing my child” to ”I am getting my tween ready to be a mature and independent young person.”  

Letting go doesn’t mean we hand over the reins of control to our child and relinquish our parental role immediately. Instead, it involves a gradual, intentional process of giving them opportunities to take on increasing responsibilities.  

We can start our teen by allowing them to make small decisions like meals, wardrobe choices, room decoration, or weekend activities. As they show their responsibility and gain your trust, allow them to take on bigger decisions and be prepared to negotiate and make compromises when they offer their views.  

Resist the urge to say no to all their choices and support them as much as possible. Have faith that they will exercise good judgement for themselves. In moments when they fail, allow them to bear the consequences of their mistakes and use them as teachable moments.  

We need to learn step back and allow our teens to make the final decision. 

2. Changing role of parents  

When our children are younger, they need more boundaries, discipline and rules to ensure their safety and well-being. But as they develop into teens, parents need to adjust from being a cop to being a coach.  

As coaches, we are less directive and more consultative. We can ask questions, offer our views, share our experiences and give options. Even though we can be part of the decision-making process to offer possible solutions or evaluate choices, ultimately we must step back and allow our teens to make the final decision.  

Initially, stepping back can be scary. We cannot help but worry that our teens might make mistakes, and hurt themselves.  

Yet, we cannot deny the power of learning through the natural consequences of a poor choice or behaviour. As a coach, there’s only so much we can do and it’s up to our teens to own the process and eventual results.  

Making every life decision on their behalf is to rob them of the opportunity to learn accountability and critical thinking. And if things don’t turn out well, we may even end up being blamed if we had made the decision on their behalf. 

Keeping the end in mind 

As parents, it’s easy to feel like we’re losing our sweet and innocent child as they go through the challenging teenage years. But if we keep the long-term goal in mind – that is preparing them to be a mature and responsible young person – we will see why letting go is necessary.  

Let go to let them grow.  

Even flowers take time to grow and bloom, so what more our teens. Let’s keep them rooted with good values and the security of a loving family as their home base. At the same time, take a step back and allow them space to test out their “wings” so they can soar as high as they can.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

A Father’s Role in His Daughter’s Worth

As a young child, Charis enjoyed the praises of her mother’s friends when they saw her doing her homework. “What an obedient and hardworking child,” they would comment while observing their own children running around and playing.  

Somehow, those praises motivated Charis to continue living up to her reputation of being obedient and hardworking. She began to set high expectations of herself, and would always want to do her best. 

But when she went to secondary school and her peers began to outdo her in exams, her sense of self-worth started to plummet.  

How can we support our children’s self-worth without getting them to lower their standards totally?  

What is self-worth? 

With mental health issues coming to the fore, there is an urgent need to help children build a strong sense of self-worth, and to understand they are more than their achievements.  

Although Charis struggled in the beginning with peer and societal pressure, she realised in her later teen years that she “didn’t need to care so much about other people or the labels that they put on me, but rather to just focus on myself, on my own, knowing my own abilities, my own strength, my own beliefs and to feel secure in that.”  

She credits this self-worth as a by-product of the way her parents raised her. What did her parents do right? 

She can always be herself with us and have nothing to prove. 

Create a safe space  

Charis’ father, Wen Wei, has managed to build a safe space for her, largely by being a safe person. However, this doesn’t mean there were no mistakes made. 

Growing up, Charis was particularly sensitive to the word “stupid” being used on her. Somebody had done that once to her and Wen Wei made a mental note never to do the same. However, one day when Wen Wei was helping Charis through her homework, he got frustrated at Charis and snapped in exasperation, “Don’t tell me you’re really so stupid.” 

That sent Charis over the edge, and triggered a crying fit. 

Immediately after, Wen Wei had to send his other daughter to a swimming class but during the drive to the pool, he was so worried that Charis would do something foolish.  

That incident made Wen Wei realise the importance of being Charis’ safe place. He said, “She may feel like she has something to prove to other people, but she can always be herself with us and have nothing to prove.”  

Charis laughed upon hearing her father recount that incident. Having happened when Charis was still in primary school, she does not remember it. But it’s clear it had a lasting impact on Wen Wei.

Offer physical hugs and comfort 

During Charis’ frequent meltdowns, Wen Wei and his wife tried different methods every week to comfort her. But nothing seemed to work.  

One time, during a meltdown, Wen Wei decided to just hug her. Miraculously, it worked. Coupled with honest and open talks with her parents, Charis gradually managed to find her feet and step out of the shadows of self-doubt.  

Today, you might overhear Charis telling her friends, “Whatever tough situation you are in, hugs can solve everything.” 

Listen well and help them feel understood 

Now 22, Charis is moving into a new phase of life – from the safety of school to the world of work. Even as she sends out job applications, she often worries about the outcomes. However, she’s learnt to self-soothe by telling herself, “It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get an offer.” 

She attributes her growth in security to her father’s willingness to sit and have long conversations with her. “He has always given me that space to talk. He is a really good listener, and he has never imposed his decision or opinion on me.”  

“Sometimes I get annoyed,” Charis joked, “because I think it would be easier if he decides and then I follow, but I also appreciate that he helps lead me to a decision that I make, instead of telling me what he thinks first.” 

Genuinely enjoy them. Express that pleasure in them. Then delight in them, any time, every time. 

Genuinely enjoy your children 

Whenever Wen Wei’s children would disturb him when he was in the middle of something, he would try to stop and shift his attention to them.   

“My children are really the joy of my life. I try to communicate that with them as often as I can. Genuinely enjoy them. Express that pleasure in them. Then delight in them, any time, every time.”  

We all want the best for our children. But in the midst of pushing them to their maximum potential, we should not forget to hold them close. And to tell them, “I love you, whatever you do, however you do.” 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Why is it So Stressful Talking to My Kids About Sex?

My husband and I had picked our precociously energetic six year old from kindergarten one day following our usual routine. All of a sudden, she blurted out unbridledly from the backseat of our car, “Mommy, what’s an orgasm?”  

My ears did a backflip, while I sat stunned for a moment in disbelief at what I had just heard. My eyes met my husband’s while we exchanged raised eyebrows in what we felt was uncomfortable wriggle room. Fortunately, I recovered just in time to return a question in a quick serve.  

“What do you think it is, dear? And why do you ask?”  

“Today my teacher drew a picture of it on our white board…. 

“And it looks like something from under the water – from KorKor’s science encyclopedia!”  

Realisation came in a wave of relief and suppressed giggles. “Do you mean organism?”  

“Yes mummy, what’s an organism?”  

I laughed. We all did – having narrowly escaped being put in a spot in the most potentially  awkward conversation ever. While we are usually ready to teach our children anything they want to learn, (think reading, math, good manners), we aren’t AS ready to launch into graphic discussions about sex and how babies are made – despite knowing that it is an important conversation to address in their lives!  

Culturally, being raised in a largely conservative Asian society doesn’t help. Most of us may have never had such a conversation with our own parents. It is probably not wrong to say that parents in that era simply evaded this topic altogether, leaving their children to piece together the nuances of their sexual understanding through a collective smattering of euphemisms for sexual acts and body parts.  

Their only question after the talk was, ‘Can we go and play Lego now?’ 

A friend, a parent of four, recounted her experience (or lack of) bringing up the sex topic to her kids:  

“Their only question after was, ‘Can we go and play Lego now?’ I was self-conscious because it was not a topic someone spoke to me about. (I discovered the meaning of sexual intercourse from the dictionary, and it shocked me when I found out.) But I was determined to not pass such stigma down to my kids. I want them to see the gift and miracle of sex.” 

Psychologists like Joye Swan, chair of the department of psychology and social sciences at Woodbury University, California, reckons it “can be weird to think of our family members as sexual beings for the same reason it was weird to see our teachers outside of school.” 

Our kids may also find it difficult to accept parents giving advice on sex as it feels uncomfortable and awkward to visualise them in these roles as lovers or sexual beings, which disconnects from their primary roles and image as caregivers.  

Parents too, may find it unnatural to accept their child’s progressive coming of age – preferring to assume their child stays in a perpetual state of innocence.  

When the kids were about 10 years old, they would start to talk through the physical changes in their bodies, and even prepare a gift pack for them as they hit puberty, as a gesture of celebration. 

Ming, a 16-year-old, said she’d much rather google all her queries on sex than ask any graphic or awkward questions to her parents.  

Another teen commented that he would prefer to disassociate the topic where possible; preferring to have a teacher explain it as a subject in class.  

If we feel unsettled talking to our kids about sex, the kids, especially older teens, definitely feel it too. Nevertheless, how can we make this important topic more approachable?  

A fellow mum of three adolescents shared that she speaks with her girls separately while her husband tackles this subject with their son. As a family, they prefer to approach the topic as an ongoing conversation rather than a one-off talk.  

Starting as young as four or five, they would introduce concepts such as “good touch, bad touch” and parameters for physical touch and affection, such as when to give or receive hugs, within different social contexts.  

When the kids were about 10 years old, they would start to talk through the physical changes in their bodies, and even prepare a gift pack for them as they hit puberty, as a gesture of celebration.  

Some parents use books to lead them into conversations on sexuality, such as The Ultimate Girls’ Body Book: Not-So-Silly Questions About Your Body by By  Walt Larimore, MD , and Amaryllis Sanchez Wohlever, MD. (There is an equivalent guide for boys.)  

Most would agree that communication about sex ought to start when a child is very young and continue through his life stages and eventually when he or she forms relationships. No matter which stage your child is at, let’s start this conversation somewhere!  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.