The saying goes that in life, failure is guaranteed but success is not.
But is that true?
What if navigating failure well is actually the key to success?
“If success is the end goal and failure is not an option, then everyone who falls between the cracks will not be able to move on when things don’t go the way they planned it,” said life coach Matthew Zachary Liu.
In a 2019 global survey by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), Singapore students topped the globe in their fear of failure.
3 in 4 students said they are afraid of failure and 78% agreed that when they fail, it makes them doubtful for their future.
How can we help our youth overcome this stressful mindset? Drawing from his work with youth and families, Matthew shared some pivotal changes we can make.
1. Stop unhealthy competition
For our kids to overcome the fear of failure, parents must first evaluate if they too have the same fear and are stuck in a needlessly competitive mindset.
“The competitive nature of society in Singapore trickles down from parent to child,” said Matthew.
This can be seen in how parents even feel pressure for their toddlers to meet milestones for walking and talking and how they need to get their preschoolers to read and write. As the children grow older, this internalised stress to strive continues.
“Even if it’s not explicit, the kids feel like their parents want them to get a certain grade or go to a certain school,” he said.
So, parents, let’s be honest – Are you competitive about achievements because you believe success has to be defined by excelling in academics and milestones? Are you afraid of your kids being “left behind” when they don’t do well?
What can we do to stop unhealthy or excessive competition?
How we define success affects our relationship with our children.
2. Redefine success
Growing up with a Korean mother, Matthew shared that he had to deal with very high academic expectations throughout his childhood.
“For Koreans, things like university entry can be life and death so it’s another level compared to Singapore!”
He realised his mother merely adopted her own parents’ strict parenting style to mother him and challenges parents to re-evaluate how they parent.
This is especially vital since the narrative of success is changing for this generation.
Whereby a successful life previously meant pursuing careers in law, medicine and engineering, Matthew observed that our young generation now wants different career paths.
“A kid may want to be a YouTuber, which is now a viable career but the parent may not be able to accept it,” he shared.
Yet, even in schools, there is an increasing emphasis on acknowledging different strengths and passions. So, why are parents not also doing the same?
“What the schools are doing and what parents believe in need to meet in the middle. It’s shifting and parents need to evolve as well.”
How we define success affects our relationship with our children.
“If a child comes back from a test and didn’t do well and a parent’s reaction is, ‘I spent so much money on tuition, and you still didn’t do well,’ then children may learn to hide their failures because they feel like they have disappointed their parents.”
Such hiding of failures and mistakes is ultimately not helpful to the child or to the parent, as it may lead to the concealing of other behaviours in order to avoid displeasing their parents.
3. Partner to win
When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.
“You want the best for your kid, it’s perfectly valid but you need to ask them: What do you want and how can I help you? It’s a journey best taken together.
“If the child has a different definition of success and the parent has a different definition, but they know they have a safe place, they can meet in the middle and they will know that disagreements and failures are not the end of the road,” shared Matthew.
Sharing from his coaching experience, Matthew noticed that often, the happiest students are those with average grades but have consistent parental support at home.
“When I ask them ‘Hey, how are things at home?’, they often say, ‘Oh It’s good, my parents spend a lot of time with me.’ They grow up okay even though they are not the best students in school.”
However, on either end of the spectrum, he found that students with the worst grades are often not getting parental support and students with the best grades often spend most of their time in tuition and enrichment classes.
He described the latter group as “conditioned to be competitive and surrounded by high performers. If they don’t do well, they feel very embarrassed,” he added.
When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.
Partnering with our kids to win in life include developing an awareness of the messages our actions are sending.
Parental support remains a key last line of defence when things go wrong. “If our children don’t feel like they can come to us, then we have lost our position as a safe place for them.”
“If you decide to bring a child to the world, you need to commit the time,” said Matthew, “and the key is to start those meaningful conversations, even if you are not sure how.”
“Parents need to put down the phone and start talking. It’s practice, right? if you start, it gets better.”
“Home is where real conversations need to happen.”
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