Child’s Life Stage: Toddler

5 Essential Tips for Dads Preparing for Parenthood

So you’re going to be a dad soon? Congratulations!!  

Wait, what’s that? You don’t know the first thing about being a dad? No sweat. I’m here to help. After all, I’ve been a father for 15 years now, the last six as a mostly stay-at-home dad. So I’m pretty sure I know a thing or two about parenting.  

Let me introduce you to some important survival tips you won’t get in most listicles about good parenting.  

But be warned. These ‘life-hacks’ I’m sharing might not be what you expect. And they might even make you shift uneasily in your seat.  

Ready? 

Let’s go! 

Tip #1 – Accept that you will never be fully prepared

Here’s the thing. There are truckloads of parenting guidebooks out there. Not to mention a universe of online materials to help all new and bewildered parents or parents-to-be. Everyone will purport to give you full-proof tips and suggestions on how to be the best parent you can be.

But before you go wading into that ocean of information, know this truth: none can tell YOU how best to parent YOUR child. 

Why is that? Simple. Every human being is unique. 

If you agree with that oft-touted statement that we’re all unique, then what makes you think a how-to book or parenting manual is going to tell you ALL you need to succeed as a parent? 

The reality is that you will never be fully prepared.  

Of course, there will be days you can look back and pat yourself on the back because you did prepare everything. But the truth about being a parent is, more often than not, you need to brace yourself for Murphy’s Law to strike when you least expect it! 

I hope that takes a load off your shoulders, and you don’t feel like you need to berate yourself when things (inevitably) unravel.  

Which brings me to… 

Tip #2 – Be ready to lose control…regularly! 

I’ve lost count of how many times, when my children were still babies and toddlers, that my wife and I would forget to pack extra snacks, toys, or wet wipes when we take them out. Or the baby pram just refuses to snap into position while the milk bottle leaks all over the diaper bag. 

Talk about losing control of the situation. And that’s just logistics! 

The kicker is when your little precious has a very public meltdown for one reason or another. It could be the hot weather. Unfamiliar environment. Even the irritating label on the back of his/her adorable onesie.  

Oh, and if you think that’s just the initial years of parenting, and that you will regain control once they are older…Oh well, why spoil the surprise for you, right? You’ll have more than enough on your plate very soon to find out for yourself (*quiet chuckle*). 

And that leads us to… 

Your kid is your ultimate guide. Watch him/her. Closely. Pay attention. Be present. And humble. 

Tip #3 – It’s okay to be ‘blur like sotong’

Ever seen a man looking like he just lost his car key, wallet, or (worse) his kid?! That was probably me. And yes, it’s true. I’ve lost all three before. More than once.

If ever there was a promotional poster for looking “blur like sotong,” I’ll be the face for the campaign!

You see, the look of confusion or losing your grip on things often, is a default look on many new dads. After all, this whole parenting thing is like new territory for the intrepid explorer. Except there are no maps, employment manuals or Parenting For Dummies Guidebook (well there is actually, but trust me, it isn’t much help!)  

And here’s the rub. 

There still won’t be any useful guides even when your kids move into the tumultuous teenage years (which, trust me, by then you would be desperate for guidebooks!). 

But you know what?  

As you bash through the parenting jungle of life to find answers, or simply a way out of your daily confusion, your kid is your ultimate guide. Watch him/her. Closely. Pay attention. Be present. And humble.  

Learn from them, and persevere. 

You will discover how to parent well while you’re “on the job”. Stuff no guru (including *cough cough* me) can ever tell you.

The single greatest portal to self-awareness and transcendence for any individual is the passage of parenthood.

Tip #4 – The parenting journey’s more about you than your kid!

Now that I’ve lived for over half a century, I can confidently tell you the single greatest portal to self-awareness and transcendence for any individual is the passage of parenthood.

How so? 

Here are just two of many examples from my own life as a father.

The first example had to do with my innate discomfort around children, right up into my early 30s. 

Back then, children seemed unpredictable, noisy and totally unmanageable to me. So during my initial years of marriage, I was happy not having any of my own. That changed when my wife was expecting my eldest of two boys. Suddenly I became curious about other people’s kids and found myself seeking opportunities to interact with them. 

Perhaps it was my subconscious nudging me to dress rehearse for “opening night”! Whatever it was, I gradually warmed up and engaged with babies and kids in ways I never imagined possible before.

The second example was when my firstborn (then 20 months old) got trapped in my master bedroom, no thanks to a faulty door. 

When all else failed to set him free, yours truly turned into Spiderman (sans sticky palms and feet), crossed from the adjacent bedroom window into the master bedroom window, while dangling over 30 metres above ground in our eighth-floor HDB apartment. With no harness or safety net! 

Whilst you’ll never catch me doing such a maniacal act of heroism again, that experience taught me that I’m capable of overcoming my fear of heights. Especially when the wellbeing of my flesh and blood was at stake. 

Which brings me to my final tip… 

Tip #5 – Parenting makes you see the world (and yourself) in a whole new light 

In my journey as a parent, I’ve learned to see the old and familiar afresh. All thanks to my best teachers — my children! 

For instance, observing and marvelling with my son how ants move in a neat line on the ground and realising for the first time how much they look like soldiers falling into line. Or how while cloud-watching, my son taught me to see beyond mere shapes and to look for unicorns or unicycles.  

Parenting has taught me to slow down and look at things as though for the first time. To appreciate the wonders and marvels of nature and life through the pure and innocent eyes of my kids. 

And that perhaps is the ultimate reward of parenting. To have a second chance at seeing life anew and in unexpected ways. 

Okay, new or soon-to-be daddy.  

These tips should get you strapped and ready to be your kid’s favourite rock star! Now, your fathering journey’s about to begin.  

It’s time to step up for the ultimate marathon of your life. 

I’ll see you at the finish line. 

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Trusting the Process in Motherhood

The feeling you get when you cradle your newborn and take in every tiny detail of his/her little face. The amazement and excitement of witnessing your child’s firsts. The way your heart swells with pride when you look at the person they are growing into. 

Being a mother is one of the most unique experiences in this world, special in every way – even in the way it grows and challenges you. 

Your baby is still waking multiple times at night. Your toddler seems to be endlessly whiny and refuses to obey your instructions. Your primary schooler cannot seem to get that math concept right no matter how many times you try to explain it. 

You’re tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. It constantly feels like things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You’re going through the motions, and it never feels like enough. 

As tough as it may be to see beyond this current season, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time. 

In the sowing and the waiting, what does it mean to trust the process? 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations – and in place of that, have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. In its time, it will culminate into something beautiful. 

While that can sound scary, learning to trust the process is an important mindset to have while journeying through the unchartered waters of motherhood and all it entails. By shifting your focus away from the things that cannot be controlled, it takes off burdens that we often unknowingly and unnecessarily carry, so that we can focus on what and who truly matter. 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. 

What it looks like to trust the process in motherhood: 

1. Embrace the uniqueness of your journey 

Drawing comparisons is a surefire way to discourage ourselves. Consciously or subconsciously, we find ourselves looking at other kids’ developmental progress and behaviour, and how other mums seem to be coping – and use that as a yardstick for how we are doing in our own journey of motherhood. 

Often, this can leave us feeling demoralised about the ways we are bringing up our own children, wondering if we are doing what is “right” for them. 

While there may be some basic and helpful principles in parenting, there is no manual that comes with the role. As with all human interactions and relationships, there is no guarantee that doing A would result in B. 

Every child, every mum and every relationship is different; what works well for one child may end up being the most unhelpful approach when it comes to another. 

Your story and journey are distinctly yours, and it is only when we start to appreciate our uniqueness and that of our children that we see the beauty of being content with our own special journey of growth.  

You are the mum your child needs. 

2. Show yourself grace 

Let’s admit it: We are works-in-progress, and will always be. 

We know that there is no perfect mother and no motherhood journey free from challenges, yet we can be so quick to beat ourselves up for our mistakes or when the guilt of not doing enough for our kids creeps in. 

Whether it came in the form of snapping at your child when they asked, “Why?” for (what felt like) the hundredth time in a day or feeling bad about leaving the room the very second before your baby falls off the bed, we have our share of regrets when it comes to being a mum. 

Even then, every impatient and harsh response can be an opportunity to seek forgiveness, every moment of failure a chance to reflect, and each desperate cry for a breather a reminder that we are human. While these experiences are uncomfortable and painful, they are opportunities for growth, shaping our character and the relationship we share with our kids. 

Being a mother is no easy feat. It demands a lot—if not all—of who we are, and there is room to show yourself compassion as you grow with grace. 

Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

3. Play the long game

Motherhood is a ride for the long haul and some seasons are going to be more challenging than others – the first few weeks without the confinement nanny, having two under 3, a child’s adjustment to primary school, relational struggles with your teen; all on top of personal struggles. 

At the lowest points of your journey, it can be tempting to quiet-quit and give up trying. 

The growth mindset would argue that these situations are opportunities to build resilience, learn and become better versions of ourselves. Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

To make the most of every season and to keep growing as a mum, we have to hold onto hope when we are in the trenches – and tell ourselves that, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes, before we know it, our child finally learns to soothe themselves back to sleep, or begin to read independently, or be potty-trained. Growth will spring forth in time to come. 

4. Celebrate growth 

A friend of mine frequently fretted over how frequently she would blow her top at her kids. When one day quite suddenly she realised that even when she had let out a few harsh words, she was able to pause mentally and physically, walk around the kitchen a few times while breathing to regain her calm, and then return to the scene a lot more in control of her emotions. 

It did not happen overnight and it certainly is nowhere near perfection. But trusting the process means believing that over time, there is some form of growth in the journey – even if it occurs it shows in ways you don’t expect. 

Whether it has got to do with your child’s developmental journey and meltdown frequency, or your level of patience and choice of response, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Compared to a week/month/half a year/one year ago, what changes are visible? 
  • Apart from this challenge, how else have I/my child grown? 

As you learn to celebrate both the small and big milestones in you and your young ones’ journey, you may find the assurance and encouragement that you need to take the next step, and then the next. 

 The burdens a mum bears are heavy and circumstances can be challenging, but when we take a step back and consider how far you’ve come, it shifts our perspective of the difficulties we face in the process. 

If you find yourself dutifully watering and tending to a seed in the soil but can’t quite see any growth above the surface, remember that roots need time to grow deep. As the plant grows, there will be seasons of weeding, of pruning, and seasons where it flowers and bears fruit. 

Signs of growth—both in your children and in you—will sprout all in good time. 

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee.

From 3 to 13 May 2024, join us in encouraging mums of their growth in their precious journey of motherhood. Find out more at www.family.org.sg/AllinGoodTime. 

How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child

45-year-old Mr Tan had just about had enough. He walked into the counselling room with his face completely red, and recounted what had happened the night before. Mr Tan’s 17-year-old son Jeremy* was totally out of control. When Mr Tan found his son still engaged in  an online game at 2am, two hours after bedtime, he decided to switch off the WiFi in the house, and Jeremy went ballistic. 

“He went into the living room and started screaming. Then he started throwing everything on the floor. The whole house was in a mess!” exclaimed the irate man, his lungs about to burst. “It’s not the first time I’ve told him to stop. I just don’t know what to do with such a strong-willed child!” 

Before we address the behaviour of the child, we need to first understand all the variables that led to the behaviour.

Understanding the strong-willed child

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a “strong-willed” person as someone “determined to do what is wanted, even if other people disagree or disapprove.” From Mr Tan’s perspective, Jeremy was a “strong-willed” child who always wanted to do things his own way; someone who was “obstinate” and “stubborn”, and always refused to do what he was instructed. Mr Tan, wanting to assert his authority over his son, had entered into a power struggle with his son by switching off the WiFi.

According to Bryan Post, a specialist in the treatment of emotional and behavioural disturbance, we need to reframe the way we parent a child whom we believe to be “strong-willed”. Bryan, Founder of the Post Institute for Family-Centred Therapy, noted that a strong-willed child can trigger a strong-willed parent, and this could result in a negative feedback loop of intense emotional turmoil. When discussing the nature of the “will,” it refers to a “will to live,” and a strong will could sometimes stem from a feeling that “no one is able to take care of me other than me.”

The more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will.

Bryan observed that society is outcome-oriented, and that we mostly focus on the behaviour of the child, when it’s actually the relationship (the process) that leads to the outcome (the behaviour). As such, before we address the behaviour of the child, we first need to understand all the variables that led to the behaviour. For instance, did the child have a good sleep the night before? Is he or she hungry or tired, or encountering problems in school or with friends? 

Bryan’s observations are interesting, because the more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will. This encompasses having strong opinions about the world around them, dogged determination and perseverance, and an acute sense of what is right and wrong.  

In fact, a strong-willed child could grow up to become an adult who will persevere to ensure that the task gets done. The person could tap on their deep sense of justice and the strong spirit of determination to become a change-maker in their sphere of influence. 

We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with.

Building the relationship

Parenting is about building relationships. How we connect with our children matters; this is something that I have been learning more and more as I go deeper in my counselling work with people who have experienced trauma.  

Bryan commented that the child often draws on their previous memories before deciding how to behave in a given situation. Building on this concept, we need to ensure that our children have positive experiences with us, in order to create a feedback loop of positive memories.  

The key to building positive experiences is to connect with our children in the everyday moments. We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with. 

Understanding strengths

Connection begins with understanding. And this begins when we understand our children’s strengths – what they’re good at, and what they like to do. My two sons love playing board games, so that’s what we do during the evenings at home and on holiday, playing board games together as a family.

Back to Mr Tan’s case, I learnt from him that Jeremy loved to play soccer and to eat Japanese food, in addition to playing online games. So, I suggested for Mr Tan to spend some time playing soccer with him during their free time, to take Jeremy to a Japanese meal once in a while, and to find out more about what games he liked – the characters in the game, the special powers, and other unique aspects of the game that appealed to the boy.

When I saw Mr Tan a few months later, he was happy to update that Jeremy no longer behaved the same way as before, and that he had reached an agreement with his son on what would be an appropriate time to stop playing each night. “It was almost as if a miracle has happened!” he declared.

And often, such miracles can happen when we work at the relationship.


*All names and identifying features have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved. 

How Can I Reduce my Mental Load as a Mum?

According to BBC, mental load is about “preparing, organising and anticipating everything, emotional and practical, that needs to get done to make life flow.” It is like having ten tabs open and running at the same time in our minds, as we go about our daily responsibilities as mums.  

We can be preparing lunch while anticipating what picking up our child will be like, whether he will be moody because of the long hours in school or the lack of sleep from the night before, while also making dinner plans and trying to recall if we have paid the month’s bills.  

Mental load is one of the hardest things to accurately explain to people, and also one of the biggest sources of anxiety. We feel the need to be in control of what is happening and what is going to happen so that we feel sufficiently confident to handle the various situations.  

This mental load will not lessen until our children are independent enough to make decisions and take care of their own basic needs. Such a responsibility can sometimes cause us to feel overwhelmed and burnt out, if not handled with care. It is therefore important for us to learn how to cope well.  

1. Having fixed routines helps us anticipate with more certainty 

We often hear that children thrive with routines because they can anticipate what is coming and feel more empowered to carry out the task. Similarly, adults rely heavily on routines to carry out our daily responsibilities.  

Having fixed routines can help us anticipate with more certainty the flow of events for the day, which will also help us be more prepared even if unforeseen circumstances crop up. For example, if our children’s routine is to shower – dinner – play – sleep, it wouldn’t hurt to have dinner before taking a shower on days when we get home later than expected.  

Routines act as a baseline for both kids and parents, since they know that these tasks must be completed even if they were coupled with meltdowns and yelling. It takes away the “what’s next” while we deal with the meltdowns, and that helps to give us a sense of clarity amidst the chaos.

2. Schedule brain breaks

Whenever possible, schedule brain breaks during the day. This could be in the form of swapping out one homecooked meal for a  giving the kids fifteen minutes of screen time while we have a cup of coffee and take it slow. This is possible when our children are familiar with the day-to-day routines and have a certain level of independence.  

Short breaks may not seem like much but can go a long way when scheduled at the right intervals. For example, taking a break at midday can help us continue managing the various responsibilities till the children go to bed.  

3. Find community among fellow mums

Bearing the mental load by ourselves is difficult, but adequately describing it to others and explaining its effects on us can also be challenging. Therefore, finding mum friends who can relate is very important. They can be a great source of support and an outlet for you to share your frustration. 

Though our responsibilities haven’t changed, the emotional support our mum friends provide can sometimes give us that little push to last through a difficult day. 

It helps us feel understood and seen by people who have gone through what we have and know exactly what we are talking about, especially when mental load in itself is invisible. Though our responsibilities haven’t changed, the emotional support our mum friends provide can sometimes give us that little push to last through a difficult day.  

4. Give yourself a ‘mum’s day off’

Giving yourself an “off-day” sounds incredibly attractive, because of the sheer responsibility of being a mum. As a working adult, we can switch our phones off and choose not to log in to our emails when on leave, but we cannot turn our brains off and ignore our kids.  

We can only be momentarily free from caregiving when we intentionally step out and away from the family. When we can relinquish the role of caregiving to another trusted adult, be it our spouse or family member, we can turn our minds away from the needs and demands of our family and just focus on ourselves.  

This is absolutely crucial in helping us tune in to our own needs and do the things that we want to do. It helps us feel that our needs can and will be met. We are also a priority and are not forgotten amidst the chaos at home.  

The catch is that we must be intentional to take our minds off whatever is happening at home. It defeats the purpose if we are out but our minds are constantly worried about our children and their plans and activities for the day. 

We can better plan, schedule and care for our children when we are happy and well taken care of. 

Practical tips to reduce mental load

Try these practical tips to better manage your mental load: 

  • Think about which activities you can incorporate into a routine. Perhaps it is doing an emotional check-in at bedtime, or planning for the week’s meals on a Sunday evening. 
  • Schedule your brain breaks into your weekly calendar. Start with once a week and work your way up! 
  • Regularly share with your spouse/mum support group what might be weighing you down or causing you anxiety. 
  • Give yourself time off to do something you enjoy – once a month! 

The mental load of motherhood accumulates over time due to the changing seasons our children go through, and it is important for us to consider our own needs while giving to our children. We can better plan, schedule and care for our children when we are happy and well taken care of.  

The journey is long, but we are also training our mental resilience through the years as our children grow. Take heart, mummies! We can do this! 

© 2024 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

The Emerging Family Report

Introduction

The Emerging Family Report presents a summary of the discussions held at State of the Family 2024: Shaping Next Generation Relationships. State of the Family is Focus’ annual event which aims to provide our key partners with an analysis of emerging trends impacting the Family.

Who exactly are the Emerging Families? They consist of the young families of today and the youth of our nation, both of whom represent the future of Singapore.

Key highlights include the results from Focus’ Fatherhood Involvement and Marriage Aspirations Survey and FamChamps® #FamilyForTheWin Survey, which were both conducted in 2023.

The observations, discussion questions, and insights presented in this report aims to help you think through the trends surrounding Emerging Families and determine how you might be able to apply these in your context.

Research Findings

Download PDF now (833.55 KB)

What is Good Touch and Bad Touch?

As part of our five senses, the gift of touch is a way we make sense of the world and send and receive messages. But in a world where touch can sometimes be less than innocent, how do we protect our kids especially when we can’t always be with them? 

Early years (0-3)

Teaching our kids about good and bad touch is a conversation that we can start from the early years. As you teach your kids proper names for their body parts and things like not walking around naked, you are laying a great foundation for their young minds to learn both social norms and body safety. 
 
At this age, you can also introduce the idea of good touch and bad touch as an easy-to-understand framework that you can build on as they grow. 
 
Good touch can be high-fives, handholding and even hugs from family and friends. Bad touch can be touches that leave bruises (hitting, pushing, kicking…etc) and any unwanted touch from another person, especially in the private areas.  
 
Avoid defining good touch as “whatever makes you feel good” since this can be used out-of-context. Abusers have also been known to exploit this ideal by first starting with innocent tickles, before moving on to sexual abuse.  
 
Instead, first define good and bad touch as areas that can be touched and areas that cannot. An easy visual reference for “no touch” areas is everywhere that’s covered when you wear a singlet and shorts. 
 
Then expand it further by helping to grow your child’s voice. Teach them that they can say no to being touched and to move away from the person or call for help if they feel uncomfortable. Nurture your child’s confidence to say no by also respecting their wishes. Never force them to hug or kiss anyone, even with relatives.  
 
Keep the language you use straightforward and simple:  
“Can anyone touch you in a no-touch area? “No!”  
“If someone hugs you and you don’t like it, what do you say? No!”   
 
You should also help them recognise the safe adults in their lives, e.g., immediate family members. If there are other adults in that circle, you may also want to define what is allowed and what is not e.g., a teacher can help bring you to the toilet but can’t touch your private areas.  
 
Make it very clear to your kids that no one should show their private parts to them and no one should see or touch their private areas. 

Preschool years (4-6) 

Your child may be attending daycare now and may need help with toileting so it will be good to run through some specific scenarios with them.  

Role-play is a powerful teaching tool for young kids. You may want to go through: 

  • What’s okay and not okay during shower time at school  
  • How to get help cleaning up if they passed motion 
  • What to do if someone peeks at them when they are in the toilet 

Find out from the school how they handle these scenarios too to avoid confusion. 

Empower them with handles on what to do if an adult does something they are not comfortable with, for example: 

Say “I don’t like that”, find daddy, mummy or a trusted adult and tell them what happened, and how they feel e.g., “I don’t like Uncle trying to kiss me”.   

Of course, these responses should change if it involves any touching of their private areas. You may want to tell your kids that if anyone touches your private parts, shout “Stop! Go away” and “Help” very loudly. 

Consistent repetition of these body safety rules will help them remember it.   

You may also want to teach them not to sit on other adults’ laps but to sit next to them instead. 

Primary years (7-9) 

By primary school age, you can also include the idea of peer pressure when it comes to expanding the idea of good touch and bad touch. Taper your questions according to their level of maturity too. Role-play questions now may include “If your friend says that a boyfriend/ girlfriend can touch each other in the no-touch area, what would you say?” 

They may also be exposed to words like “molest” from friends who have had such encounters. To ensure your child knows they can always come and talk to you about anything, never sound suspicious or fear-monger. Instead, communicate calmly and frequently, using movies and news to spark conversations. Listen attentively to them, without jumping to conclusions or judgment too quickly. 
 
Teach your kids that bad touch can happen unexpectedly so they should be conscious of their surroundings, especially when they are alone. Also talk about and role-play what to do if they are unexpectedly touched in a public place. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

When The Parenting Tips Don’t Work

Screaming, yelling, shouting. Fighting, quarrelling, whining. Clinginess, grumpiness, and repeated defiance. As parents, we may wonder why our children fight us when we’re trying to meet their needs. It seems like an uphill task to keep the kids safe, healthy, and on time for school, while juggling our countless other responsibilities and demands.  

Meanwhile, you continue to be bombarded by parenting tips online that tell you to empathise and be gentle with your children. You give this a try, but are met with mischief, meltdowns, and defiance at the worst moments. Desperate, you resort to old tactics: Threats, yelling, caning, or bribing with screen time to placate them. Unsurprisingly, these old methods work, and you’re able to get on with the day.  

While it may be tempting to abandon the expert tips as you struggle with the realities of life, many of us continue to resonate with the ideas presented, as they inspire us to build a warmer and more loving home. Here are some ways I’ve learnt to adapt these tips into my own family life: 

1. Avoid unhealthy comparison

With today’s gentle parenting approach gaining popularity, it is easy to make comparisons with other parents who seem to have it all under control. However, what you see on social media does not necessarily reflect reality. You may be surprised to learn that almost every parent struggles with getting their children in line at some point, even the ones you look up to most!  

Knowing this, it is important to avoid black-and-white thinking when we encounter our failures. Instead of dwelling on thoughts like, “I lost my cool today; I must be a failure as a father,” it helps to reframe them more constructively: “I lost my cool today, but it was understandable as I was dealing with too much. I can have compassion on myself, and apply what I have learnt from this episode, tomorrow.”  

 

“It takes time for new parenting strategies to prove its effectiveness, and for new habits to be cultivated in the family.” 

2. Aim for improvement, not perfection 

As adults, it can sometimes feel like an uphill battle keeping it all together each day. In many ways, our children struggle just like us as they navigate the challenges of growing up. Hence, we cannot expect perfect days and perfectly obedient children. It is not possible to correct every single mistake, as this can lead to resentment in both parent and child. We should, instead, identify red lines for discipline and keep to those.   

For example, my wife and I are stricter with maintaining discipline when our children are about to endanger themselves or others. We are less uptight if no harm is caused – such as if they scream, shout, or accidentally spill something – or if we know that the children are feeling overwhelmed.  

It is also important to note that improvement takes time, before any positive change can be observed. We may fail spectacularly when we first try something new – this includes new approaches to parenting. However, as we persist, our children will notice the new habits and language that are being cultivated, and eventually internalise them.  

One of my proudest moments as a father was seeing my 5-year-old son calm his younger sister down with one of the tactics I have previously used with him, instead of yelling back at her!  

“Be particularly mindful when our children are Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (HALT).” 

3. Learn how to prevent and defuse emotional triggers  

Is your heart beating faster and harder? Do you feel tension in your forehead or chest? Do you feel blood rushing to your eyes? These are some physiological signs that an emotional outburst is about to occur – a trigger. Leaving our triggers unchecked can cause us to act impulsively. Sometimes, this leads to doing or saying things to our children that we regret for years to come. It is thus important to learn to detect and prevent our triggers, which would help us be more intentional in our parenting.  

The same goes for our children. Just as adults are likely to lose control when they have unmet needs, younger children are as, if not more, likely to act up if they are Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (HALT). By mentally reviewing our children’s HALT levels throughout the day, we are better able to keep behavioural challenges at bay.  

However, no one can completely avoid emotional outbursts throughout life. As such, I’ve found it helpful to learn the best strategies for defusing one another’s triggers. For example, I usually count to 3 before I act on my anger, and I try to envision the consequences of losing my temper before I act or speak. For my children, slow counting or play have been the best means for regulating their strong emotions. (Here are more tips on dealing with big emotions.) 

At the end of the day, parental discipline may involve being firm with our children. To keep myself in check, my guiding principle for managing meltdowns or misbehaviour is to always exhaust all “softer” approaches before moving on to “harder” ones.

 Live to love another day 

One morning, I yelled harshly at my son while getting him ready for school, leaving the family shaken and myself feeling guilty for the rest of the day. That same night, however, we went about our bedtime routine as normal. I read both children a bedtime story and the kids scrambled to sit on my lap. The night ended with giggles and smiles as I tucked them into bed.  

Family life is not meant to be perfect. It is unrealistic to expect ourselves or our children to handle all of life’s challenges, while maintaining perfect composure 24/7. What I’ve found to be most important is not building the perfect family, but a loving one: An environment where we are always loved, accepted, and learning to love one another better. It is on this foundation that each family member can work on themselves and make each difficult moment a little better, one day at a time.   

Post-Natal Care: What Should I Be Ready For?

Being a mum for the first time can be exciting yet nerve-wrecking. As much as we look forward to finally holding the baby we’ve been carrying and growing together with for 9 months, we often grapple with doubts and fears on whether we will be good mothers. Here are some tips to help us ease into this new season of the 4th trimester. 

It’s the hormones!

After delivery, our body goes through a huge and sometimes traumatic change; after all a human did come out from us! Our hormones become highly dysregulated and that can cause us to feel varying emotions all at once. 

I remember crying for no reason on the second day of confinement and feeling happy the next minute, as if nothing had happened. I was shocked by my own emotions and thought that something was wrong with me.

I was also particularly upset with everyone in the household even though no one had done anything to provoke me. Everything somehow seemed to annoy me. After speaking with some mums, I came to understand that our hormones go haywire after delivery, and it will take some time for them to regulate. 

It helps when we expect these changes and recognise that it is often a phase that will pass in a couple of weeks. However, if negative emotions persist, do seek support from a trusted family member, friend or counsellor.  

It is okay to say, “I don’t know either.”

Something that caused me a lot of stress was the expectation from everyone that I have all the answers. I did not know how anxiety-provoking it was until everyone around me asked all sorts of questions: When can I bathe the baby? What time is the next feed? How much should I feed? Why is the baby crying? Is he hungry? Is he feeling cold? Why didn’t he finish his milk?  

While we do have a mother’s instincts, we also need to communicate to people around us that we do not have the answers all the time. We are all learning as we go.

It felt like I became a “baby-encyclopedia” the moment my son was born, and all the answers had to come from me. However, we need to remember that we are as new to the baby as they are. While we do have a mother’s instincts, we also need to communicate to people around us that we do not have the answers all the time. We are all learning as we go.  

Coming up with a system that everyone could follow was helpful. We wrote feed timings and amounts on the glass door and everyone followed as closely as possible. We also included nap times and their duration as we observed them, and soon we got the hang of taking care of a newborn.

Real life vs. reel life

It is becoming a norm for people to exaggerate or overly beautify a part of their lives, especially on social media. As mums, it is inevitable that we compare ourselves with other mums, more so when we start scrolling on social media platforms and see other mums seemingly “having it all together”.  

This can cause us to feel insecure about ourselves and brings unnecessary stress. As we unwind on social media, we also need to be vigilant about what we are seeing and believing. 

I’ve always gone by the principle that what I see online is what others choose to show me. It may not be a full representation of their situation. This awareness is important so that we do not strive to “look-good-feel-good” online and ignore the struggles that we are facing. We need to acknowledge the place where we are at and be real with ourselves.  

When I was in the initial phase of breastfeeding my boy, I often came across social media posts of mums easily expressing breastmilk and how their babies were latching well. On the other hand, I was suffering from engorgement, my baby wasn’t latching well, and I struggled to even produce enough milk for a feed.  

I felt so terrible about myself, and thought that I must be the worst mum ever to not be able to breastfeed my baby. It was consuming me from within, and I decided to stop viewing such posts. Instead, I looked for community among mum friends who went through similar situations. It helped me feel much better since there were people to cry out to in the middle of the night as we journeyed together. 

You can ask for help

As mums, it can be difficult to ask for help. It could be because there is a lack of resources available, or you feel uneasy about the way others might handle your baby. We might also believe that we have everything under control. 

While it does seem easier to be the one taking care of your baby since you are the main caregiver, we also need to keep a lookout for our mental health. Transiting from a world where you get to decide almost everything for yourself, to one where it revolves around your newborn, is a difficult process. 

It is impossible for any mum to be able to meet both their baby’s needs and their own needs at the same time. More often than not, we forgo our needs because we are so caught up with taking care of our baby. However, a prolonged negligence of our own self-care can leave us feeling empty and resentful.  

We need to ask for help whenever possible so that we can have some much-needed rest and come back with our hearts fuller to continue caring for our baby.

We need to ask for help whenever possible so that we can have some much-needed rest and come back with our hearts fuller to continue caring for our baby. This could be in the form of approaching your parents, in-laws or close friends to come over and watch your baby while you take a short nap or even a stroll nearby.

There is no shame in seeking for support because we are all humans with physical limitations. Mums are not superheroes, we are also people who need to eat, sleep and bathe! 

My hope is that the above has helped shed some light on what to expect as a first-time mum, and even more so how to care for yourself. You can only give what you have, and not what you don’t! 

What a Mum Wants

Introduction

In conjunction with Mother’s Day last year, Focus on the Family Singapore conducted a survey from April 5 to April 24, 2022, to allow mothers to reflect on their motherhood journey. The survey received a total of 311 responses, with more than half of the participating mothers being employed full-time.   

Research Findings

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How Play can Improve Your Parenting

The Cambridge Dictionary says, “When you play, especially as a child, you spend time doing an enjoyable and/or entertaining activity.”

In recent times, the concept of play has been further incorporated into classrooms and at home. It is no longer a stand-alone activity that children do, but is also a means to help them learn and connect. There is just something about play that helps children see learning and relationships in a different way.

Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play.

There are many benefits that play can bring, especially to young children whose minds are developing rapidly:

1. Play strengthens relationships

Play creates special opportunities for bonding between children and their parents. Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play because this is when they see their parents coming into their world.  

Such interactions create positive experiences that stimulate their brain. When we spend time playing regularly with our children, we will likely find that we are able to understand our children’s personality and thinking better. 

2. Play promotes impulse control and emotional regulation

Children who engage in pretend or imaginative play with their parents are better at self-regulation and emotional regulation. Play provides opportunities for children to learn essential skills such as turn-taking, resisting temptation to grab objects from others and persisting through difficult activities. It also helps children express and manage their negative emotions better.  

These are important skills for school readiness and their psychosocial development. Moreover, when children are more adept at self-regulation, it makes parenting less challenging! 

The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage our children in play.

3. Play improves communication and language

Children acquire language best through play, especially pretend play. They pick up and practise new words, learn to reciprocate each other’s actions and words and understand how communication works. Children who are regularly engaged in play have stronger communication skills as they grow, and can read and write better. 

In the early years, the communication muscle grows in children as they seek to express their needs and wants. The better they are at communicating, the more we can understand them and guide their thinking. 

While the benefits of play are apparent, engaging children in play is not as easy. The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage them in play that requires emotional and mental involvement.  

One possible way is to agree on a timeframe where we will give full attention to our children, and then leave them to play on their own after that. This gives children the assurance that their Dad and Mum still love to play with them, but also teaches them that their parents need a break as well. 

Here are some quick and fun activities that we can engage our children with, even after a long day.

Vertical Bowling

(Image: New Horizon Academy)

Stack paper or plastic cups into the shape of a pyramid on the floor, and using any ball you can find, roll it towards the stack of cups. The aim is to knock off as many cups as possible. Children are fascinated by how the ball can knock down this tall tower of cups and will strive to conquer them all. This is a low-prep game that brings about lots of excitement and fun in the home.

Story-Acting

Choose a storybook that has a storyline and characters where children can pretend to be immersed in. As parents narrate the story, children can pretend to be these characters and act out the story. Stories come alive when children get to act them out, and they also get to practise their language skills when they recite their lines.

Furthermore, parents can reinvent the stories according to their own imagination. This will encourage children to activate their creativity and continue the story in their own words.

Popular titles you can try:

  • The Three Little Pigs
  • Little Red Riding Hood
  • We’re Going On A Bear Hunt

Paper Plane Race

Get ready some templates for plane-folding so that everyone can choose the design that they think will be the fastest. Grab some paper and start folding, and once everyone is ready, fly your planes.

You may increase the difficulty of this game by adding targets that are placed on the floor or hung up. These will be challenging not just for kids, but adults too. It will definitely be a fun one that will crack everyone up.

Board Games Night

I love board games! It requires no preparation and teaches many skills. Parents are freed from ‘executing’ because everyone must follow the rules that are already set. Parents can fully enjoy the game as much as the children do. Making this a family routine will add to your family’s core memory as the kids grow.

Hot Potato

Form a circle, play a fast song and pass a ball around as quickly as you can. The objective of the game is to not be the one holding the ball when the song stops. As amusing as it sounds, children love to be the one holding the ball when the song stops; it just makes them feel extra special. Perhaps everyone else could then think of a silly forfeit to make it even more fun.

Play is beneficial for our children’s growth, but more importantly is something that they enjoy doing. As parents, we love seeing our children being in their element and showing pure joy on their faces as they play. It may be tiring and sometimes frustrating to still have to engage them after a long day, but play as an investment is never in vain.

Our efforts to engage them in play today will pay off when they are able to build a deep connection with us, communicate with us and grow in their self-regulation. Let’s keep playing with our children!