Child’s Life Stage: Toddler

Post-Natal Care: What Should I Be Ready For?

Being a mum for the first time can be exciting yet nerve-wrecking. As much as we look forward to finally holding the baby we’ve been carrying and growing together with for 9 months, we often grapple with doubts and fears on whether we will be good mothers. Here are some tips to help us ease into this new season of the 4th trimester. 

It’s the hormones!

After delivery, our body goes through a huge and sometimes traumatic change; after all a human did come out from us! Our hormones become highly dysregulated and that can cause us to feel varying emotions all at once. 

I remember crying for no reason on the second day of confinement and feeling happy the next minute, as if nothing had happened. I was shocked by my own emotions and thought that something was wrong with me.

I was also particularly upset with everyone in the household even though no one had done anything to provoke me. Everything somehow seemed to annoy me. After speaking with some mums, I came to understand that our hormones go haywire after delivery, and it will take some time for them to regulate. 

It helps when we expect these changes and recognise that it is often a phase that will pass in a couple of weeks. However, if negative emotions persist, do seek support from a trusted family member, friend or counsellor.  

It is okay to say, “I don’t know either.”

Something that caused me a lot of stress was the expectation from everyone that I have all the answers. I did not know how anxiety-provoking it was until everyone around me asked all sorts of questions: When can I bathe the baby? What time is the next feed? How much should I feed? Why is the baby crying? Is he hungry? Is he feeling cold? Why didn’t he finish his milk?  

While we do have a mother’s instincts, we also need to communicate to people around us that we do not have the answers all the time. We are all learning as we go.

It felt like I became a “baby-encyclopedia” the moment my son was born, and all the answers had to come from me. However, we need to remember that we are as new to the baby as they are. While we do have a mother’s instincts, we also need to communicate to people around us that we do not have the answers all the time. We are all learning as we go.  

Coming up with a system that everyone could follow was helpful. We wrote feed timings and amounts on the glass door and everyone followed as closely as possible. We also included nap times and their duration as we observed them, and soon we got the hang of taking care of a newborn.

Real life vs. reel life

It is becoming a norm for people to exaggerate or overly beautify a part of their lives, especially on social media. As mums, it is inevitable that we compare ourselves with other mums, more so when we start scrolling on social media platforms and see other mums seemingly “having it all together”.  

This can cause us to feel insecure about ourselves and brings unnecessary stress. As we unwind on social media, we also need to be vigilant about what we are seeing and believing. 

I’ve always gone by the principle that what I see online is what others choose to show me. It may not be a full representation of their situation. This awareness is important so that we do not strive to “look-good-feel-good” online and ignore the struggles that we are facing. We need to acknowledge the place where we are at and be real with ourselves.  

When I was in the initial phase of breastfeeding my boy, I often came across social media posts of mums easily expressing breastmilk and how their babies were latching well. On the other hand, I was suffering from engorgement, my baby wasn’t latching well, and I struggled to even produce enough milk for a feed.  

I felt so terrible about myself, and thought that I must be the worst mum ever to not be able to breastfeed my baby. It was consuming me from within, and I decided to stop viewing such posts. Instead, I looked for community among mum friends who went through similar situations. It helped me feel much better since there were people to cry out to in the middle of the night as we journeyed together. 

You can ask for help

As mums, it can be difficult to ask for help. It could be because there is a lack of resources available, or you feel uneasy about the way others might handle your baby. We might also believe that we have everything under control. 

While it does seem easier to be the one taking care of your baby since you are the main caregiver, we also need to keep a lookout for our mental health. Transiting from a world where you get to decide almost everything for yourself, to one where it revolves around your newborn, is a difficult process. 

It is impossible for any mum to be able to meet both their baby’s needs and their own needs at the same time. More often than not, we forgo our needs because we are so caught up with taking care of our baby. However, a prolonged negligence of our own self-care can leave us feeling empty and resentful.  

We need to ask for help whenever possible so that we can have some much-needed rest and come back with our hearts fuller to continue caring for our baby.

We need to ask for help whenever possible so that we can have some much-needed rest and come back with our hearts fuller to continue caring for our baby. This could be in the form of approaching your parents, in-laws or close friends to come over and watch your baby while you take a short nap or even a stroll nearby.

There is no shame in seeking for support because we are all humans with physical limitations. Mums are not superheroes, we are also people who need to eat, sleep and bathe! 

My hope is that the above has helped shed some light on what to expect as a first-time mum, and even more so how to care for yourself. You can only give what you have, and not what you don’t! 

What a Mum Wants

Introduction

In conjunction with Mother’s Day last year, Focus on the Family Singapore conducted a survey from April 5 to April 24, 2022, to allow mothers to reflect on their motherhood journey. The survey received a total of 311 responses, with more than half of the participating mothers being employed full-time.   

Research Findings

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How Play can Improve Your Parenting

The Cambridge Dictionary says, “When you play, especially as a child, you spend time doing an enjoyable and/or entertaining activity.”

In recent times, the concept of play has been further incorporated into classrooms and at home. It is no longer a stand-alone activity that children do, but is also a means to help them learn and connect. There is just something about play that helps children see learning and relationships in a different way.

Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play.

There are many benefits that play can bring, especially to young children whose minds are developing rapidly:

1. Play strengthens relationships

Play creates special opportunities for bonding between children and their parents. Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play because this is when they see their parents coming into their world.  

Such interactions create positive experiences that stimulate their brain. When we spend time playing regularly with our children, we will likely find that we are able to understand our children’s personality and thinking better. 

2. Play promotes impulse control and emotional regulation

Children who engage in pretend or imaginative play with their parents are better at self-regulation and emotional regulation. Play provides opportunities for children to learn essential skills such as turn-taking, resisting temptation to grab objects from others and persisting through difficult activities. It also helps children express and manage their negative emotions better.  

These are important skills for school readiness and their psychosocial development. Moreover, when children are more adept at self-regulation, it makes parenting less challenging! 

The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage our children in play.

3. Play improves communication and language

Children acquire language best through play, especially pretend play. They pick up and practise new words, learn to reciprocate each other’s actions and words and understand how communication works. Children who are regularly engaged in play have stronger communication skills as they grow, and can read and write better. 

In the early years, the communication muscle grows in children as they seek to express their needs and wants. The better they are at communicating, the more we can understand them and guide their thinking. 

While the benefits of play are apparent, engaging children in play is not as easy. The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage them in play that requires emotional and mental involvement.  

One possible way is to agree on a timeframe where we will give full attention to our children, and then leave them to play on their own after that. This gives children the assurance that their Dad and Mum still love to play with them, but also teaches them that their parents need a break as well. 

Here are some quick and fun activities that we can engage our children with, even after a long day.

Vertical Bowling

(Image: New Horizon Academy)

Stack paper or plastic cups into the shape of a pyramid on the floor, and using any ball you can find, roll it towards the stack of cups. The aim is to knock off as many cups as possible. Children are fascinated by how the ball can knock down this tall tower of cups and will strive to conquer them all. This is a low-prep game that brings about lots of excitement and fun in the home.

Story-Acting

Choose a storybook that has a storyline and characters where children can pretend to be immersed in. As parents narrate the story, children can pretend to be these characters and act out the story. Stories come alive when children get to act them out, and they also get to practise their language skills when they recite their lines.

Furthermore, parents can reinvent the stories according to their own imagination. This will encourage children to activate their creativity and continue the story in their own words.

Popular titles you can try:

  • The Three Little Pigs
  • Little Red Riding Hood
  • We’re Going On A Bear Hunt

Paper Plane Race

Get ready some templates for plane-folding so that everyone can choose the design that they think will be the fastest. Grab some paper and start folding, and once everyone is ready, fly your planes.

You may increase the difficulty of this game by adding targets that are placed on the floor or hung up. These will be challenging not just for kids, but adults too. It will definitely be a fun one that will crack everyone up.

Board Games Night

I love board games! It requires no preparation and teaches many skills. Parents are freed from ‘executing’ because everyone must follow the rules that are already set. Parents can fully enjoy the game as much as the children do. Making this a family routine will add to your family’s core memory as the kids grow.

Hot Potato

Form a circle, play a fast song and pass a ball around as quickly as you can. The objective of the game is to not be the one holding the ball when the song stops. As amusing as it sounds, children love to be the one holding the ball when the song stops; it just makes them feel extra special. Perhaps everyone else could then think of a silly forfeit to make it even more fun.

Play is beneficial for our children’s growth, but more importantly is something that they enjoy doing. As parents, we love seeing our children being in their element and showing pure joy on their faces as they play. It may be tiring and sometimes frustrating to still have to engage them after a long day, but play as an investment is never in vain.

Our efforts to engage them in play today will pay off when they are able to build a deep connection with us, communicate with us and grow in their self-regulation. Let’s keep playing with our children!

Father’s Day Campaign

Dadication
[noun]

The willingness of dads to give a lot of time and energy to their kids because it is important to them.

Fatherhood is a race of a lifetime, filled with heart-racing moments of exciting play and sometimes also heart-stopping moments of panic.

This race produces determination and dedication within each father, with the end goal not of winning, but having loved their children the best they knew how.

This Father’s Day, we’re Dadicated to spotlighting the lasting legacies and importance of fathers, shaping lives through generations!

Additionally, a free e-guide, "The Busy Dad's Playbook", for creating unforgettable memories with your child.
1.
Curated bonding ideas, organised by amount of time available
2.
Valuable fathering tips.
3.
Interesting "Did You Know?" facts.

Secure your free resource!

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ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

Dive in and discover the joy of bonding amidst life’s busyness. You may also be surprised at how far it can take you in your relationship with your child!
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Mother’s Day Campaign

Being a mother is one of the most special and unique experiences in this world – even in the way it stretches and challenges a person.
 
Battles with meltdowns can be long drawn, and seasons of discouragement and doubt seemingly endless.
 
This Mother’s Day, join us in encouraging mums to trust the process and in affirming her for her growth!
 
If you are a mum, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time.

Campaign Objectives:

  1. Affirm mothers that the everyday things
    they do count in
    their children’s lives.
  2. Encourage mums
    to trust the process,
    even if they have
    yet to see growth in
    the present.
Find out more

Secure your free resource!

Get in touch!

ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

Should I Allow My Child To Play With An Opposite Gendered Toy?

Early Years (0-3 Years)

At this tender age, children and infants are in the exciting stage of exploring the world around them. At this stage, we should prioritise meeting their developmental needs and providing age-appropriate toys, rather than worrying whether the toys are blue or pink.

Babies are typically engaged in sensory exploration, fine motor skill development, and initial social interactions. Consequently, soft and cuddly toys can offer comfort and sensory stimulation, while colourful and high-contrast toys can provide visual stimulation.

Research has demonstrated that toddlers often find joy in toys designed for their gender. However, it’s acceptable if they choose to play with toys typically associated with the opposite gender as they can pick up different skills as well.

Preschool years (4-6 Years), Primary years (7-9 Years)

While there is nothing wrong with a young boy choosing to play with dolls or a girl loving toy cars, decades of research on children’s toy preferences show large and reliable preferences for toys related to their own gender.

Most girls might choose toys that feature appealing aesthetics or nurturing traits, while boys prefer toys with movement and excitement.

Further, one study showed that children as young as 9 months old prefer to play with toys specific to their own gender. This indicates that sex differences in toy preference appear early in development. Thus, it is likely that both biology and environment matter in shaping play choices.

Gender role modelling

Another point worth noting is that children primarily learn about gender roles through the observation of significant adults in their lives. This is where the influence of a mother and a father becomes paramount.

In learning about masculinity, a boy looks to his father and how he conducts himself at home and with others. Positive behaviours, such as learning to express emotions in productive ways and treating others with respect, are learnt through modelling.

The young child would also be observing how his father treats his mother, and where loving and respectful behaviours are the norm, he would naturally develop a sense of high regard for women.

Thus, while a boy playing with dolls can be said to be learning the behavioural trait of nurturing, how significant adults in his life behave and interact may carry more weight.

In child’s play, it is also critical to acknowledge and respect a child’s interests and to allow them to explore different kinds of play and toys.

Letting them take the lead in this regard is more useful than steering them towards certain choices based on one’s own ideology and worldview, or what is deemed progressive in society.

So, let’s give our children autonomy to make choices that resonate with their interests and unique personalities, while also making the effort to ensure home is a safe and nurturing place.

These are all essential steps to helping our kids develop a healthy sense of identity and regard for themselves and the opposite sex.

 

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What to Do When the Little One Says ‘No!’

It was a typical weekday morning where I was fetching my son home from school. On the way back, I noticed he looked glum and pensive, but thought it was due to tiredness.  

Upon arriving home, I told him to remove his shoes, wash his hands and get ready for lunch. Instead of complying, he began to sob. “I don’t want to eat lunch!” The sobbing soon turned into a full-blown meltdown. 

Many parents would be familiar with this. Few of us – myself included – wish to be caught in such situations as they drain us and interrupt our busy schedules.  

However, it is common for young children to display such behaviour as they are still learning how to deal with the big emotions that come with unmet needs or unexpected experiences.  

Here are some strategies that enabled me to regain control of the situation and calm my son: 

1. Listen with empathy   

I brought my son to his room and gave him some time to recover so that I could hear him out. Once he was calm enough, he shared that some of his classmates were mean to him in the morning.  

By listening to him share his thoughts, my son felt heard and understood. This made him more open to what I had to say, while also helping me understand what triggered his emotions. 

I also did my best to reflect his feelings – that he probably felt angry and hurt by his friends. This taught him to identify the emotions he had been experiencing all morning.  

Over time, and with practice, he has gradually gotten better at understanding his feelings and expressing himself.  

Colouring, jumping on the spot, holding a favourite pillow, squeezing a soft toy or cuddles are examples of healthy outlets that could help soothe our children. 

2. Do a calming activity  

Next, I got him to do some deep breathing to calm down further. This involved a few repetitions of simply breathing in, holding his breath for five seconds, and breathing out.  

At other times, I would ask him to pretend my finger was a birthday candle and blow on it. The harder he blew, the more I would wriggle it. This proved very effective as it was fun, helped take his mind away from what triggered him, and also calmed him by making him take deep breaths.  

Every child is different, and it is important to do what works for your child. Colouring, jumping on the spot, holding a favourite pillow, squeezing a soft toy or cuddles with mummy or daddy are other examples of healthy outlets that could help soothe our children.  

3. Offer appropriate concessions  

Although he had calmed down, he was still resistant towards eating and insisted on having a different meal for lunch. 

On occasions where I felt my son was already quite stretched from the day’s activities, I would nudge him along by offering appropriate concessions to motivate him. That day, I offered to carry him to the table to help him get started on lunch.  

Other options that have worked for us include offering snacks (e.g. healthy sugar-free gummies), giving him some play time before his nap, or a short amount of screen time if he was able to complete the task at hand.  

Adding play in our interactions with our children keeps them engaged and helps them to get on board with daily routines. 

4. Press ‘play’ often   

When he was at the dining table, he still refused to eat his lunch! While this was frustrating, I reminded myself that it was normal for a three-year-old to behave this way. Having had a long day at school and coming home on an empty stomach, he would naturally be more disagreeable.  

To get him interested in eating, I added some fun by pretending the spoon was a spaceship, and by getting him to open his mouth like his favourite dinosaur.  

Adding a healthy dose of play to our otherwise mundane interactions with our children keeps them engaged and helps them to get on board with their daily routines. 

Celebrating little wins of the day helps parents to go the distance. 

The importance of self-care and healthy expectations 

Young children often “act out” when their needs are unmet, such as when they are overtired, hungry, or overwhelmed by difficult situations.  

But it can be challenging to extend grace to our children by seeking to understand their needs. After all, in the heat of the moment, how many of us can maintain an air of patience and calm? 

Here’s where it is important for us to practise self-care to ensure our own love tanks are filled. When we are well rested, we are in a better position to co-regulate our children’s big emotions and help address their needs.  

Let’s also be clear, no one is perfect. While we can take incremental steps to improve our parentcraft, we will inevitably fall short on some days.  

I’ve discovered that celebrating the little wins of the day helps my wife and I go the distance – such as rejoicing when one child reaches a growth milestone, discovering new things about them, or even unwinding after they are safely tucked into bed.  

As you practise these tools for self-care and managing toddler meltdowns, I hope you will grow in your parentcraft and learn to find joy – even amidst the hair-raising moments. 

How Do I Impart My Family Values to My Children?

If a friend or another parent were to ask what your family stands for, are you able to instantly give an answer? 

Like it or not, we live in a time where there are many voices vying for our children’s attention – Netflix, Disney+, YouTube, and even the advertisements on social media platforms are subtly shaping their lives.  

As societies become technologically advanced and people become more liberal in their thinking, moral and social values will change to reflect that on a cultural level.  

It is thus increasingly important to be intentional about thinking and talking about family values. If parents do not take charge of raising their children using their playbooks, then the world will.  

So how do you decide what family values are important to your family? 

Every family’s list of values will be different. Some examples of family values include:  

  • moral values – honesty, dependability, taking personal responsibility, diligence, and justice.  
  • faith values – reverence for God, praying as a family, stewardship of resources, chastity, loving others, wisdom.  

Family values are influenced by one’s upbringing, worldviews, religious beliefs, and cultural and societal circumstances. The process of designing a family mantra or family values can be different for every family.  

Family values are like a compass. They outline what is important in your family and inform your decision-making process. 

Here are some ideas to get you started: 

1. Have an honest and open conversation with your spouse about what your family’s ideals are. 

Ask questions to jump-start the discussion: 

  • What is important to me, to us, and the family? 
  • What kind of adults do we want our children to become?  
  • What values from our family-of-origin do we want to pass on to our children? 
  • How do we want our family to be remembered?

2. Talk to couples who are already consciously living out their family values and learn from them.  

3. Find like-minded couple friends who are interested in charting their family values – start a group and do it together.  

4. Get your children and teenagers involved in crafting your family values. Listen to their concerns, aspirations, and thoughts on what is important to them.  

 5. Print out and display your family values in strategic spots in the home as reminders.  

Affirmation is an essential ingredient to building a young child’s confidence and encouraging them to learn and grow. 

How do I instil family values to my children? 

There are many ways to instil family values in your children. Be as creative as possible and find the methods that suit your children’s needs and learning styles.  

Here are three ways you can consider:  

  • Talk about family values  

“Train your child in the way he should go and when he is old, he shall not depart from it.” – a Jewish proverb 

Whether you like it or not, your children already have many strong and effective teachers of values at an early age: social media, movies, schools, books, peer groups, and religious institutions. 

While some of these may communicate positive and affirmative messages, others may teach values that are antithetical to your beliefs. Thus, it is important for us to assume the responsibility of teaching our children.  

Consider these ideas:  

  • Share stories of everyday unsung heroes (teachers, neighbours, relatives, friends) who demonstrate your family values.  
  • Use movies or books to discuss values portrayed by the characters. 
  • Display family values on your screen savers on your computer. 
  • Have family activities or conversations on values 
  • Walk the talk  

Values are more caught than taught. Model the behaviour for your children to live out the values you want them to internalise. Children and teenagers are perceptive. They observe what you do and draw conclusions about what is important to you in life.  

  • Provide positive reinforcement  

When you notice your child demonstrating a family value, recognise them for it, and be as specific as possible. 

  • “I am so proud of you that you chose to take responsibility for what happened instead of blaming someone else for the mistake.”   
  • “Your kindness shone through when you donated your pocket money to help the poor.”  
  • “I appreciate your honesty and telling me the truth about what happened between you and your project group member even though you know you will be disciplined.”   

Lyndon B. Johnson, a former president of the USA said it best, “The family is the cornerstone of our society. More than any other force it shapes the attitude, the hopes, the ambitious, and the values of the child.”  

As parents, we play a pivotal role in shaping our children’s values. Make time as a couple and family to discuss and decide on the core family values that would serve as a moral compass to help them navigate life in good and tough times.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Four Things Our Preschoolers Need from Us

In the past few months, I’ve been working on a mid-career switch. As the move involved big changes, including leaving a stable job, I spent some time counting the costs and wondered if I was short-changing the kids. Was I depriving them of a good life by pursuing a different career path? 

During this period, I had the chance to bring my three-year-old son on a daddy-son date to Serangoon Gardens. It was a simple trip and the goal was just to eat at the hawker centre, take a short walk around and return home. Initially, I thought he would be bored as we were not heading to an exciting destination like the zoo or aquarium. However, my son still recalls it fondly today, to the extent that he still remembers the bus number we took to get there. 

Why was my son as excited about this trip as the times we splurged on more expensive outings? Three things stood out for me: 

1. Undivided attention 

During the trip, I did my best to keep my phone in my pocket, only taking it out to check for messages from my wife. We talked about what we saw, what he was doing, imaginary stories he was making up, where we were going and so on.   

Keeping our devices away can be challenging as they help us stay productive or even give us some relief from the stresses of life. The following are some tips that have helped me stay focused during device-free sessions with my children: 

  • Schedule uninterrupted time with the kids. The length of time could depend on your current tempo of work, e.g. one hour at a time for less intense seasons, or 15 minutes at a time throughout a day for busier periods. It could also be during specific times of the day, such as mealtimes. 
  • If possible, avoid scheduling uninterrupted time close to periods where attention at work is needed, e.g. one hour before meetings.
  • Before starting uninterrupted time, give yourself sufficient time to attend to your responsibilities so you can enjoy peace of mind later on, e.g. devote the entire morning to attend to work and/or household matters before spending time with the kids.  
  • Devote some time to meet your own needs throughout the day or week, e.g. give yourself 15 to 20 minutes to decompress after work before meeting the family for dinner. 

Admittedly, it is tough to disconnect in today’s technologically advanced world. However, giving undivided attention helps our children feel valued and strengthens our relationship with them. 

Giving undivided attention helps our children feel valued and strengthens our relationship with them. 

2. Constructive affirmation 

Throughout the trip, I intentionally highlighted the positive behaviour my son showed, using short and simple language to help him understand what he was doing well. 

Some of the statements I used were: 

  • “I saw that you looked left and right before you crossed the road. That was good, keep it up!” 
  • “It was good that you used your words to tell me what drink you wanted during lunch.” 

“I saw you waited patiently for our food. Well done!” 

As a young child, my son is still learning foundational skills. As I observed him, I made sure to affirm him when he showed good behaviour or had taken Papa and Mama’s words to heart. To each of these affirming statements, he would beam proudly because he knew he was doing well. 

Affirmation is an essential ingredient to building a young child’s confidence and encouraging them to learn and grow. 

Affirmation is an essential ingredient to building a young child’s confidence and encouraging them to learn and grow. 

3. Moments of play and spontaneity 

As parents, we should pay attention to the “harder” aspects of parenting such as instilling discipline and setting healthy boundaries. While these are essential, it is equally important to make time for the “softer” aspects – that of engaging young children in playful and spontaneous moments as it helps us connect and build strong bonds with them. 

I immerse myself in my children’s pretend play as often as I can. During the trip, my son used the bus window as a “road” for his toy. I would build on his imaginary world by asking questions like: “Is that Optimus Prime’s robot base?” It also helps that I pay attention to the stories and characters that he likes, so that I can better engage in his pretend play.  

Every now and then, my wife and I allow him to enjoy some sweet treats, in moderation of course! So that day, when we decided to share a chiffon cake after lunch, which was a moment he cherished very much. Till today, my son’s face still lights up at the mention of chiffon cake. 

Make time to engage young children in playful and spontaneous moments as it helps us connect and build strong bonds with them. 

4. Identifying of their gifts 


A friend of mine, Sarah (of Sarah X. Miracle), discovered that preschool is the best time to discover your child’s strengths. Her 7-year-old, Leon, started using chopsticks to play drumbeats when he was around 2. At 3, he started creating his own “drum set” with pots and containers. It was clear he had a strong interest in drums even at such a tender age!  

As he was too young for formal drum lessons, Sarah decided to let him have a pair of wooden chopsticks he could play along to music in the car. Till today, he has fond memories of playing “drums” in their old car.  
 
Today, after a few years of drum lessons, he has outgrown the toddler size drum kit and can play on a full-sized drum set, and the family occasionally holds family jam sessions at a studio to give him the opportunity to learn how to play with others in a band setting! 
 
“It has been beautiful to watch this gift of his unfold and we continue to build him up in this area,” she shared. 

A commitment to be fully present 

In order to meet our children’s needs, we have to adopt the mindset of being fully present with our children. This means giving them our focused attention and taking a genuine interest in them, such as their likes and dislikes, their feelings, or even their ambitions.  

For those who may struggle to carve out a morning or afternoon with their children on a regular basis, start small.  

In my son’s first year, both my wife and I were working full time and often had to leave our son in the care of others. However, we made a commitment to be fully present in those moments we had together even if only for a few minutes at a time.  

Small pockets of quality time have helped us build strong bonds with our children. By giving your undivided attention, affirmation, and being playful, you can do the same too!    

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

A Woman’s Value and Identity, Beyond Motherhood

Like an intense, encompassing first love, motherhood comes with an enveloping heady-ness and focus. 

Suddenly, your time, sleep and energy all go towards that one person – your bundle of joy. Even as they grow, your permanent role as mother means they remain a perennial focus. 

But wait, besides being a mother, you are still a wife, a daughter, perhaps even a doctor, writer, or teacher. Especially when motherhood seems to override every other role and interest, how do you reclaim your own identity? 

Tam Wai Jia, medical doctor, author and mother of two girls likens the phases of motherhood to being like seasons. 

“There were seasons when I was not speaking anywhere and seasons when I was getting invites and being visible in the public sphere. We all go through seasons and it’s important to embrace each one or we become very hard on ourselves.” 

She shared the following tips on how mothers can keep growing and not be buried by the seasons in motherhood.  

We all go through seasons and it’s important to embrace each one or we become very hard on ourselves. 

1. Drive your roots down deep 

“No one ever scolds a tree for not bearing fruit during the winter season,” said Wai Jia, “We are multifaceted beings and we have to ebb and flow with the different seasons of needs.” 

“Winter is when roots go down deep,” she added.   

In seasons when you don’t feel like you are going anywhere, learn to embrace what that season can do for you as an individual. Like how roots grow deep to find the water that sustains them, you will have to dig deeper to discover yourself. 

This could look like renewing a sense of purpose, better communication with your spouse and family or even re-organising your days to make space for self-care. 

“I think we underestimate the whole concept of rest, routine and doing the same things every day that motherhood sometimes is about,” shared Wai Jia. 

2. Don’t judge yourself based on a single season/role  

There are times when we won’t do as good a job as we’d like to. 

In Wai Jia’s case, her first child had severe eczema. As a first-time mum and also as a medical doctor, this somehow created a sense of failure. “There were times when I would say, ‘This (motherhood) is my only job and I can’t even do it right.’” 

However, she realised she was being hard on herself, something she found many fellow mothers do. She reflected that we have to give grace to ourselves too. 

Drawing healthy boundaries and not letting others’ comments affect you emotionally is a key to avoiding emotional overload. 

3. Know that your value is not based on what you produce 

Our value and identity do not change even when our roles do. Neither are they based on what we can produce. 

The emphasis that we are of greater value being if we hold a job of importance is something entrenched in our society. 

“Being a stay-at-home-mum can be triggering when you take a step back from your career and you hear questions like, ‘What do you do all day now,’” said Wai Jia who is currently working part-time. 

So we should surround ourselves with people who remind us we are valuable as individuals, and not because of what we can do or the titles we hold. 

4. Set healthy boundaries 

Wai Jia shared that her husband Cliff – a cancer survivor who has even completed an Ironman triathlon – willingly volunteered to be a stay-home-dad when she had to fulfil her work bond after they returned to Singapore. 

This gesture helped them navigate through that difficult season and yet there were people who made less-than-kind remarks. 

“I felt judged by other people who asked, ‘How come your husband is more present with your kids than you?’ At work, I also hear comments like, ‘Oh, you are married to a house husband, really, is that a real job?’” Wai Jia shared. 

Drawing healthy boundaries and not letting others’ comments affect you emotionally is a key to avoiding emotional overload even as you navigate your journey as a mother. If not, it’s easy to fall into the trap of overthinking what you did based on what other people say. 

5. Do what’s best for your family

The support Wai Jia gets from her husband is evident in the way she speaks about him. She also realises that their choice to not take on conventional full-time employment may be seen as unusual. However, they both believe that their choice has allowed them to have more time with their children. 

Both Cliff and Wai Jia homeschool their kids. Wai Jia is also the founder of non-profit Kitesong Global, which aims to empower young people to help vulnerable communities worldwide. Cliff is completing his Master’s and involved in coaching young people too. 

“As mothers, sometimes we let our in-laws or parents or friends affect how we parent. When we chose not to have confinement, or not to have a helper or do a home birth, people said that I was crazy.” she said. 

But being united as a family and daring to forge your own path has its rewards. Notably, your kids see you united as a team and you get to be more present with them. 

And while people may look at them now and think how perfect their lives seem, Wai Jia still remembers the winter seasons. 

”These seasons help us stay humble. Every time I get an award or something prolific now, I always remember the times I was hidden, when I was going through postpartum depression and wondering if this would end.” 

And they do, because seasons always change.