Child’s Life Stage: Primary Schooler

How Can Mums Support Girls Through Puberty?

Primary Years (7-9 Years)

Preparing for puberty 

Puberty for girls typically starts around 11 or 12 years old. It is, however, not uncommon for girls to start puberty earlier at 9 or 10 years old.  

Start the talk about puberty early to prepare her for the upcoming changes. This will allow her to anticipate the changes ahead instead of being caught by surprise when she gets her first period.  

Providing information in a factual and natural manner through on-going talks can ease her anxiety about puberty and accept that it is a natural (and healthy!) stage of development. You can talk about how her body will change as she grows from a girl into a young lady. Allow her to ask questions and clarify concerns she may have heard from others.  

Your daughter may worry about whether menstruation will be troublesome, uncomfortable, and painful. You could help reframe her thoughts about this so she feels more positively about such changes. Share about the wonders of how her body is developing and preparing her for womanhood, opening up the possibility of motherhood in the future. Keep an encouraging tone as your attitude will influence how comfortable she is about her body.  

A practical way to get your daughter ready for puberty is shopping for training bras and period underwear. The appearance of breast buds is the first sign before the start of menstruation. She may feel shy or awkward at first but explain that this is a rite of passage and that it is completely normal to feel these emotions.  

Tween Years (10-12 Years) 

Changes to expect at puberty 

At puberty, girls will develop breasts, grow hair under their arms and on their legs, shoot up in height and experience their first period. Other physical changes that may be noticeable at puberty are oily skin, pimples on the face, wider hips and body odour.  

Before your child experiences her first period, be sure she has a supply of sanitary pads or tampons at hand. Talk to her about how to use them, how often to change them and to pack them in her bag so she is prepared.  

Avoid scaring her about cramps or mood swings and teach her there is nothing to be embarrassed about periods. Teach her to take care of her personal hygiene that includes using a face wash, pimple cream, and deodorant.  

Managing emotional changes   

During puberty, another noticeable change in girls is mood swings. Your daughter may find it very confusing and irrational to swing from being happy one moment, then sad the next.  

Be patient with her and assure her that it is due in part to her brain development at puberty. As a teen’s prefrontal cortex is still developing, your daughter will rely more on her amygdala, a part of the brain associated with emotions and impulses.  

You can remind your daughter that while she may experience moodiness, it is not an excuse to be rude or unkind in her words and behaviour. Teach her to build her self-awareness and take charge of her feelings with practical tips like breathing exercises, listening to music, taking a shower, or going for a walk. Bear in mind the tween stage is also when environmental stress starts to build up with greater academic pressure on the school front. Assure her that you are there for her to give support without any judgement.  

Teen Years (13-15 years) 

Different teens may experience puberty earlier or later. If your daughter has not started puberty, put her mind at ease by reminding her that everyone is unique.  

This is a fitting time to start talking to your daughter about identity, self-esteem and self-worth as teenage girls may become more conscious of their appearance and weight. This could be exacerbated if she is already exposed to social media messages that glamourise beauty and popularity.  

For mothers, building a healthy body image for our teens may start with accepting and embracing our own body. Often, children catch what we say rather than what we teach. Let your daughter hear you compliment other women for their virtues instead of appearance. Point out her character strengths that are beyond skin deep and that may go unnoticed. These messages will remind her that self-confidence comes from within and she is so much more than how she looks.  

In the teenage phase, your child may start to have feelings of attraction for the opposite sex. Have talks with her on how to develop healthy friendships and how to set appropriate boundaries. Keep these talks light-hearted and give her opportunities to share her views.  

With your loving guidance and support, puberty will no longer be a scary or confusing time for your teen! 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How Do I Know If My Crush Really Likes Me?

Primary Years (7-9 Years)

Crushes are normal. But what exactly is a crush? A crush is a fleeting liking for a member of the opposite sex that goes beyond just liking him or her as a friend. You may want to see them more often, or write them little notes or give small snacks.   
 
Crushes at this stage usually develops quickly and fades. They tend to be short.  
 
In primary school, such feelings may come and go as you make new friends and your social circle expands. Since everyone comes from a different family with different cultural norms and expectations, friends may tease you when they sense you like somebody.  
 
You may feel embarrassed but also drawn to the idea of being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s natural since we all want to be liked and in relationships where we feel loved.  
 
Besides Boy-Girl-Relationships (BGR), we need to remember that we also feel loved in other relationships, like parent-child relationships, sibling-hood and also good friendships. All these, especially familial ties, tend to be relationships that will stand the test of time and continue well into the future.  
 
So if you are getting teased about BGR or if you are having unfamiliar feelings about someone at school, you can always consider talking to your family about it. They do have the benefit of experience so when they give you advice, it’s based on what they have learnt and walked through themselves! 

Tween Years (10-12 Years) 

How do you know if someone really likes you? Everyone communicates feelings differently. Someone shy may avoid interaction while someone with a more outgoing personality may decide to engage in more interaction.  
 
Instead of trying to guess the intention behind another person’s actions, the best thing to do is to not overthink. Overthinking causes you to read into every interaction. When that happens, it’s like putting on a pair of magnifying glass as spectacles… everything you see is magnified and this may not always be good!   
 
In a crush, the feelings normally fade away after a while as you choose not to focus on it. Another sign of whether it is a crush – Infatuation usually values aspects we can observe easily from the outside, e.g., good looks or talents.  
 
If the other party is obviously declaring they have a special interest in you, e.g., admitting they like you, sending you gifts or letters or overt actions along this line, it’s better to try to take a step back and relate to this person as a regular friend first. Don’t build up a relationship in your head… it could be only an illusion.  
 
Every great relationship is built on a strong friendship so focus on being a friend. A good friend is someone we can trust, be honest with, laugh with, and who has our interests at heart. 
 
You can also have the talk with your parents on when you can have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Teen Years (13-15 Years)

At this age, some of your friends may be in romantic relationships and you may feel some peer pressure to be in one. However, the best thing you can do is not to get in one just to be in one!  
 
Romantic relationships are special and it’s special because it’s with a great person who reciprocates. So if you are not sure if your feelings are reciprocated in the same way, it’s good not to commit to a relationship since you will have different expectations.   
 
When you are unsure if the other person feels the same way, it’s always good to hold on and hold off. 
 
Unless you want to confront them and ask them about their feelings, there is probably no way to avoid the “unknown” stage of a relationship.  
 
But because this stage is ambiguous, you probably don’t want to obsess over it. Choosing to take a step back helps you avoid emotionally committing yourself especially since the romantic relationship you will like to have actually does not exist yet! 

It is also a good time to assess if the feelings are based on outward traits like appearances and gifts rather than inward traits like strength of character and values.  
 
If a person really likes you, as long as you remain your usual friendly self, you are leaving them space to get to know you. Until they do give a clear signal, put your focus on developing yourself to grow in your full potential and confidence to be uniquely you. 
 
As a teenager, you would probably have seen kissing or other acts of physical affection on screen and maybe even in real life at home, in public spaces or amongst your friends.  
 
It’s good to remember that everyone has different expectations on physical boundaries in a romantic relationship. You can also ask yourself how your family and personal values line up with different expectations in this area and what you personally want.  

 
Remember that you don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to feel valued or loved. Build great friendships and enjoy your family. Think of these as gems you are gathering and one day when you are in a great romantic relationship, you can also share these gems with your significant other and both your lives will be enriched.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

I Found My Child Masturbating! What Do I Do?

Preschool Years (4-6 Years)

Young children often are not fully aware of how their behaviours may be perceived by others. They may pick their noses or touch their genitals without thinking twice. Avoid shaming or humiliating your child. Their actions are innocent and not sexual in nature as they are experiencing what a self-soothing behaviour feels like.  

Explain that just as picking their nose in public is not something we do, we do not touch our private parts, except when cleaning them in a bath or shower, or at a check-up with a doctor. You can say something like: “Let’s put our hands on our laps where everyone can see them.” 

Children at this age may be curious about their sexuality, Take time to explain how our body parts makes us distinct as a male or female and there are no bad body parts. 

If the self-stimulating urge becomes more frequent, find out why your child is touching himself or herself more often. For some children, it could be arise from the desire for more affection.  Parents can offer alternatives such as ruffling their hair, rubbing their back, holding or hugging them. 

Primary Years (7-9 Years) 

As kids enter school, they become more socially aware of their behaviours. Beginning a conversation now about masturbation tends to be easier because kids are more likely to talk openly.  

Masturbation is sometimes used as self-soothing behaviour for school-age kids, especially if they feel lonely or rejected by classmates. When kids self-soothe in this age group, though, they will begin to hide their behaviour from adults. If we avoid the topic because it is awkward and uncomfortable, guilt and shame may start to build up.  

Conversations with our children about masturbation do not have to be descriptive, but they should not be so vague that kids do not know what is being discussed. Talk about masturbation in a natural tone of voice and explaining simply how certain parts of the body feel good when touched can help parents pave the way for open and honest conversations later. 

You may ask your child a question like: “I see you touching your penis a few times. Can you tell me why you are doing that? How does that make you feel?”  

Avoid condemning messages, such as looking horrified, or yelling things like: “Don’t ever do that!” Punishing a child for masturbating is another form of shaming, as is telling him that masturbation is going to ruin his future sex life, prevent him from having children or other untrue myths as a scare tactic. 

Instead, explain that this kind of pleasurable touch is something husbands and wives can enjoy with each other as an expression of love. 

Tween Years (10-12 Years)

By the time your children reach the tween years, they would have attended sexuality education in school. It is important for parents to unpack what was taught and allow your child to ask questions which they may not have a chance to ask.  

Parents should continue to give their kids a context for what they see or hear at school or in the media. If it feels unnatural to have an official sit-down talk, look for spontaneous conversation opportunities prompted by something seen on television or when your child is entering puberty. 

Explain what masturbation is objectively to your child. Provide him or her factual information that the sensitivity in genital nerve endings is how our bodies are made to enjoy sex, which is reserved for marriage.  

Inform them that they can approach you with questions because there is a lot of misinformation and what they read from the internet may be harmful information. For example, you can ask them, “What do you already know about masturbation?” 

What you say to your tween depends on the strength of your relationship with him or her and your comfort level. If parents are uncomfortable talking about the subject, the child may pick that up and interpret it with guilt or shame. Therefore, it is best that parents practice talking about this subject with each other first. Dads should talk to boys and moms talk to girls. This isn’t a topic just for boys or just for girls. 

Be ready for long silences and embarrassed looks when talking to your tween. Don’t hurry through the uneasiness as something you need to check off. Even if you must continue the conversation another time or are faced with a question you do not know how to answer, assure your child that you will talk about it again and that you will answer any questions he or she has. After all, if we are silent, the only voice our children hear is culture’s voice. 

Adapted from What to do when young kids masturbate by Ann Byle © 2015 All rights reserved. Used with permission from Focus on the Family. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What Is Puberty?

Primary Years (7-9 Years)

Puberty is when a child’s body starts developing and changing as they grow into adulthood. Typically, girls reach puberty at around 11 years old and boys do so 1 to 2 years later. However, increasingly, there has been a trend of this age being lowered by 2 to 3 years.

At the lower primary level, you should normalise talks about sex and the difference between boys and girls. You might even have answered questions like where babies come from. As your child mature, they may start being curious about how Daddy and Mummy’s bodies are different from theirs and that is when you could start the conversation on how puberty prepares them to become a Daddy or a Mummy.

An easy way to introduce the talk on puberty is to do it with biological diagrams and explain how the functions of a male and female body are different. You can also talk about how much they have already grown compared to the time when they were toddlers and introduce puberty as simply the next stage in their growth.

Ensure that your kids cherish their body, not just in the form of modesty, but also in appreciating how they look and accepting the way their bodies are. As parents, try to avoid body shaming of any sorts, for example, calling someone fat or commenting on a part of someone’s body in a negative way. Our positive attitude towards the physical body helps set the stage for our children to welcome subsequent changes in puberty.

Tween Years (10-12 Years) 

The earliest signs of puberty is often breast development for girls and enlargement of the testicles for boys. About one or two years after this, they typically approach a period of growth spurt as their bodies start to change to look more womanly or manly.

By 11 or 12, most girls would have started hearing about their classmates’ personal experience of periods. Some boys’ voices might crack as their voice deepens. Other changes from puberty can include pubic hair and more active sweat glands which could cause acne and body odour. For boys, they may encounter wet dreams and you may want to explain such nocturnal emissions the context of how their bodies are now able to produce sperm for reproduction.

Part of the parental guidance at this stage also includes teaching your budding teen about products like training bras, deodorant, sanitary pads, facial wash and pimple cream.

Since everyone’s body is unique, the changes they are going through may be at a different pace from their peers. Be sure to assure them that they are not abnormal and if they are feeling self-conscious about something, do not brush off their feelings but teach them what to do to manage it.

During this stage, the pre-frontal cortex in their brains are growing rapidly. This growth brings about a surge of emotions as the part of the brain associated with emotions and impulse takes the control seat. This is why you may find them getting moody or emotional suddenly without reason. You may want to help them understand that these strong feelings are also a part of their growth. Help them identify what they can do to avoid being carried along by feelings. This can be as simple as Stop, Ask, Pivot, for example, when they realise they are getting very angry over something not going well, to pause and ask why they are feeling furious and then after logical evaluation, to pivot or make a conscious effort to turn away from impulse responses. Emphasize to them that they can always come to you to talk about their feelings and you will not judge them for what they are experiencing.

This will also be a good time for you to start sharing about sexual abuse as they become more aware and conscious about their bodies.

Teen Years (13-15 Years)

By now, your teen is well and truly going through puberty. Puberty can take two to five years to finish and by the time it does, they may well be taller than you! They will also sound different. Both boys and girls will have deeper voices due to enlarged voice boxes. Boys may have developed some facial hair and both genders may have developed underarm hair too.

They may also start to experience sexual attractions but not know what they are. Continue to be the parent coach to guide your teens through all these new emotions and sensations and have open conversations on topics like masturbation and how girls get pregnant. Address any questions they may have about dating and relating to the opposite sex, and how those issues fit into your family’s beliefs and values on marriage and family formation.


During these teen years, your teen may still go through insecurities about their appearance so do remain loving and assuring. Your attention to them and input as a parent is still very important. Assure them that their identity is based on a large number of factors and not just on how they look.

You may also want to celebrate this milestone with your kids. Some parents take this opportunity to bring their child on a weekend get-away or have a special meal to commemorate this season of rapid development. It is a good time to bond and to affirm the child’s identity even as they grow into a young adult.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Get Your Teens Off Their Screens and Into the World

“Hooked on screens” – the phrase might be an apt description of the silent “epidemic” that has crept surreptitiously through our busy lives, straight into our homes, and smack into the faces of our children.  

Getting our teens off their screens is somewhat of a modern-day conundrum. After all, they are Gen Z, the generation hailed as true digital natives and born in an age where devices fit almost like appendages to our bodies.  

“Put down your phone.”  

“No electronic devices at dinner please.”  

“Wait, can we have a conversation face to face rather than via text?” 

Don’t these statements make us sound like a broken recorder? 

Our teenagers are lapping up today’s media offerings voraciously. A recent study by the Kaiser Family Foundation reveals that kids aged 8 to 18 spend about 7 hours and 38 minutes online. That’s equivalent to a 9-5 job, 7 times a week.  

TikTok, Discord, Instagram, Valorant, Stream and the like are cosy bedfellows which offer our teenagers a plethora of virtual escapes and online social communities. They toggle effortlessly between their real life and virtual platforms effortlessly where they spend a bulk of their time “media multitasking,” using more than one medium at a time—watching YouTube and scrolling through social media simultaneously.   

When the study considered the children’s multi-tasking efforts, teens were found to be exposed to about 10 hours and 45 minutes of media content each day. It is an ostensibly distracted life. 

Parents are concerned, and rightly so.  What with the increasingly sedentary lifestyles of our youth, reduced interaction time with family and friends, obesity, attention disorders, learning issues, and sleep problems.   

How can we draw our kids out from their digital shells and engage and connect with them meaningfully in the real world? 

1. Practice what we preach  

That’s right. We need to watch OUR own screen habits. Like it or not, we are our teen’s most significant role model when it comes to screen time.  

Our teens can sniff out hypocrisy and they are watching how we use our screens. We can’t tell our teenage daughter to cut back on screentime if we are watching endless hours of K-dramas online and scrolling Facebook, or answering “work” emails during dinner because they are “important”.   

The truth is parents who have healthy screen habits tend to raise kids with healthy screen habits. In short, if you set household screen-time rules, you also need to follow them. 

Parents who have healthy screen habits tend to raise kids with healthy screen habits. 

2. Set tech-free times and zones 

It’s probably unrealistic to expect our children NOT to use their screens. Rather than solely restricting media use, we can schedule blocks of screen-free time comprising meaningful face-to-face activities.  

We may need to explore outdoor or class-based interests and hobbies such as cooking, dance, or martial arts classes.  

Playing team sports can also help foster camaraderie and teamwork, while channeling their energies towards a shared goal.  

It is also useful to build technology-free zones into our daily lives. While technology is certainly important, teach that there is an appropriate time and place for it.  

Set reasonable limits: no phones at the dinner table or in the bedroom when one is winding down to sleep or when someone is talking to them. Have regular family nights every weekend to bond over communal activities that does not involve sitting in front of the television. Board games, hiking, night cycling and a beach outing may seem old school but provide that essential and life-giving balance. 

Instilling healthy habits surrounding tech use in our teens cannot simply rely on rules and restrictions. 

3. Teach values for productive screen use 

Finally and most importantly, we need to help our kids understand the difference between passive consumption and productive use of screentime, so that they can be in control of the time they spend online rather than to be enslaved by it. 

“Remember that [teens] have been lured to their screens by masters of their craft, highly paid communication experts whose sole responsibility is to secure kids’ eyeballs and keep them watching day and night,” writes Bill Ratner, author of Parenting for the Digital Age.  

When we educate our children to think critically about the media they consume, more than half the battle is won. Train them to ask pertinent questions about the content, advertisements, or sponsored posts they see: What are they selling? How is it done? Who does the advertiser want to attract?  

By installing in them such a critical lens, they can grow to wield technology skilfully and meaningfully. Who knows – A technologically savvy teen today may develop a productive passion tomorrow, such as coding or animation skills. 

As you can see, instilling healthy habits surrounding tech use in our teens cannot simply rely on rules and restrictions. But with intentional modelling, open conversations and an understanding of what makes our teens tick, parents can certainly play a part in this journey towards safe, critical, and productive media use.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.  

How Do I Impart My Family Values to My Children?

If a friend or another parent were to ask what your family stands for, are you able to instantly give an answer? 

Like it or not, we live in a time where there are many voices vying for our children’s attention – Netflix, Disney+, YouTube, and even the advertisements on social media platforms are subtly shaping their lives.  

As societies become technologically advanced and people become more liberal in their thinking, moral and social values will change to reflect that on a cultural level.  

It is thus increasingly important to be intentional about thinking and talking about family values. If parents do not take charge of raising their children using their playbooks, then the world will.  

So how do you decide what family values are important to your family? 

Every family’s list of values will be different. Some examples of family values include:  

  • moral values – honesty, dependability, taking personal responsibility, diligence, and justice.  
  • faith values – reverence for God, praying as a family, stewardship of resources, chastity, loving others, wisdom.  

Family values are influenced by one’s upbringing, worldviews, religious beliefs, and cultural and societal circumstances. The process of designing a family mantra or family values can be different for every family.  

Family values are like a compass. They outline what is important in your family and inform your decision-making process. 

Here are some ideas to get you started: 

1. Have an honest and open conversation with your spouse about what your family’s ideals are. 

Ask questions to jump-start the discussion: 

  • What is important to me, to us, and the family? 
  • What kind of adults do we want our children to become?  
  • What values from our family-of-origin do we want to pass on to our children? 
  • How do we want our family to be remembered?

2. Talk to couples who are already consciously living out their family values and learn from them.  

3. Find like-minded couple friends who are interested in charting their family values – start a group and do it together.  

4. Get your children and teenagers involved in crafting your family values. Listen to their concerns, aspirations, and thoughts on what is important to them.  

 5. Print out and display your family values in strategic spots in the home as reminders.  

Affirmation is an essential ingredient to building a young child’s confidence and encouraging them to learn and grow. 

How do I instil family values to my children? 

There are many ways to instil family values in your children. Be as creative as possible and find the methods that suit your children’s needs and learning styles.  

Here are three ways you can consider:  

  • Talk about family values  

“Train your child in the way he should go and when he is old, he shall not depart from it.” – a Jewish proverb 

Whether you like it or not, your children already have many strong and effective teachers of values at an early age: social media, movies, schools, books, peer groups, and religious institutions. 

While some of these may communicate positive and affirmative messages, others may teach values that are antithetical to your beliefs. Thus, it is important for us to assume the responsibility of teaching our children.  

Consider these ideas:  

  • Share stories of everyday unsung heroes (teachers, neighbours, relatives, friends) who demonstrate your family values.  
  • Use movies or books to discuss values portrayed by the characters. 
  • Display family values on your screen savers on your computer. 
  • Have family activities or conversations on values 
  • Walk the talk  

Values are more caught than taught. Model the behaviour for your children to live out the values you want them to internalise. Children and teenagers are perceptive. They observe what you do and draw conclusions about what is important to you in life.  

  • Provide positive reinforcement  

When you notice your child demonstrating a family value, recognise them for it, and be as specific as possible. 

  • “I am so proud of you that you chose to take responsibility for what happened instead of blaming someone else for the mistake.”   
  • “Your kindness shone through when you donated your pocket money to help the poor.”  
  • “I appreciate your honesty and telling me the truth about what happened between you and your project group member even though you know you will be disciplined.”   

Lyndon B. Johnson, a former president of the USA said it best, “The family is the cornerstone of our society. More than any other force it shapes the attitude, the hopes, the ambitious, and the values of the child.”  

As parents, we play a pivotal role in shaping our children’s values. Make time as a couple and family to discuss and decide on the core family values that would serve as a moral compass to help them navigate life in good and tough times.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Why Am I So Stressed by My Child’s Exams?

“I am sitting for the PSLE/ “O” levels exam this year.”  

“I am taking 3 months of no-pay leave to coach my child for the national exams.” 

Do these statements ring a bell?  Whether they are communicated in jest or in a serious tone, parents definitely feel the heat whenever the exams are approaching.  

As parents we want the best for our children; we want them to succeed in school and in life. And there is nothing wrong with making sacrifices to support our children to do well in major exams.   

But why are some parents highly strung and unduly stressed when exam season comes around?  

We might not like to admit this, but if we are feeling more anxious than our children who are taking high-stake exams, it is usually more about us than about our children.   

Our fear of failure or worries about our children’s future can keep us on the edge, and we may unwittingly project our fears onto our children even as we help them in the exam preparation.  

How do you know if you have reached your tipping point? 

Consider these tell-tale signs:  

1. Being easily angered 

Some parents become demanding and set unrealistic expectations for their children. They fly off the handle when the child cannot complete the assessment papers assigned by the school and/or the tutor to prep for the exams. Or they hit the roof when they perceive the child to be disinterested in the exam revision and prefer to spend time playing internet games. 

2. Nagging incessantly or lecturing  

Some parents may give children threats about a bleak future if they don’t do well and scold them for their tardiness in completing assessment papers. 

Our fear of failure or worries about our children’s future can keep us on the edge, and we may unwittingly project our fears onto our children. 

3. Promising gifts or monetary rewards as incentives  

“If you get all ‘A’s, you can have your Tik Tok account.”  

“If you do well, you can upgrade to the latest smartphone model.”   

Rewarding a child for putting in effort to attain academic achievement is usually a genuine display of parental affection to motivate the child to do well in exams.  

But when you frequently “dangle a big carrot” out of sheer desperation, the approach can backfire. Your children may associate learning with external rewards and know that they have a “bargaining chip” in the future: they can have whatever they want if they just do well in their studies.

4. Guilt-tripping    

“I am sacrificing my work leave to help you prepare for your exams, so make sure you put in the effort and study hard and get good results.”  

When parents feel helpless or want to get the child to comply with their demands to revise or prep for their exams, they may resort to unhealthy tactics such as guilt-tripping.  

These strategies may be effective in motivating the child to study in the short run, but they tend to have negative long-term consequences if used frequently.  

Your child may develop a sense of shame or guilt when he disappoints you, and consequently learn to seek external validation and approval in life. It may also teach the child to take responsibility for matters that are not theirs to own.  

As you support your child in exam prep, focus on helping them keep on track with their revision, and coaching them on stress management skills instead of worrying about the outcome. 

 Parental stress and uncontrolled anxiety can have detrimental effects not just on the relationship but on your child’s emotional and mental health too. So, be aware of your “hot buttons” and take proactive steps to manage your stress.  

What can you do if you lose it?  

Here are some practical steps you can take:  

  • Step back (detach) and give yourself emotional space  

It is important to keep one’s emotions in check. Unchecked anger has negative effects on you and your child.  

Your outburst is likely to increase your child’s stress level and hinder him from concentrating on his exam revision. Remember that your child is the one sitting for the exams, not you. 

  • Identify unhealthy or unhelpful beliefs 

“If she doesn’t do well academically, I am a terrible mother.” 

“I cannot lose out to my siblings. All my nieces and nephews always do well in major exams.” 

“My child will lose out in life if he doesn’t succeed in school.” 

These are some examples of disempowering self-talk.  

In a previous article, I shared the Find It, Fix It, Flip It techniques to support your anxious child. You can apply these techniques on yourself too.  

  • Fill up your “emotional tank” 

Whether it is having a cup of tea at a nearby café or walking around the neighbourhood, find activities to calm your frazzled nerves.  

  • Re-engage and refocus   

When you have regained your composure after losing your temper at your child, apologise to your child for your outburst. Then explain that there are better ways to manage your anger and what you intend to do the next time you sense your anger rising. Through such modelling, your child will learn about taking personal responsibility for one’s emotions and adaptive ways to manage anger. 

As you support your child in exam prep, focus on helping them keep on track with their revision, and coaching them on stress management skills instead of worrying about the outcome.  

  • Talk to a trusted friend   

If you notice that you are unable to support your child without constantly losing your temper and are experiencing heightened tension in the home, talk to a trusted friend or consider seeking counselling help for support and perspective.  

Preparing and sitting for major exams can be highly stressful for children, so they need your support and encouragement during this time. But if you hit the roof each time you help them, you will also elevate their stress level. So be aware of your boiling point and take proactive steps to keep your emotions in check. Remember, if your child sees that you are staying calm and optimistic even in the face of challenges, they will also learn to do the same for themselves. 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Identifying Burnout Before It’s Too Late

Is it stress? Is it just a tiring season that’s not yet ending? Or is it burnout? For Sharon Ow, full-time working mother of two, a busy life was the only normal she knew. She was the type of person who enjoyed doing many things, and who even relished feeling tired from doing many things. So when she was diagnosed with burnout, it was a reality check. “I felt like I had suddenly fallen off the cliff,” she described.

More than stress

While many people may mistake stress for burnout or use the terms interchangeably, medical burnout is an actual medical condition that can result in serious consequences.

How do we tell the difference?

It’s impossible to avoid stress, explained Sharon but one can avoid getting burnt out.

She described her experience with burnout as a time when she “just couldn’t get out of bed and get through the day.”

“I had panic attacks, once when I was driving. It made me seek help and ask what was going on in my life. At first, I thought I was having a heart attack but as I sought help, I realised I was burnt out, I was depleted.”

It has been over a year since her first panic attack, but Sharon now realises that even though it felt sudden, she had probably been headed towards burnout for quite some time.

“Just like how you don’t immediately grow your muscles, you don’t reach burnout so quickly,” she said.

She went on to explain that the early warning signals would look different for each person. And for her, it was quite generic things like getting tired more often than normal, disrupted sleep, and getting more irritable easily.

Frequently experiencing such symptoms can be like the amber light at a traffic junction, signalling you to stop and evaluate if you are just going through a stressful period or if these signs are pointing to something more.

Even though it felt sudden, she had probably been headed towards burnout for quite some time.

We can also get blindsided by how much we enjoy doing many things.

As Sharon shared, “I love hospitality. I love having people over, I love making food, making the home look nice, bringing different groups of people together. Even though I enjoy doing these things, overdoing it can lead to burnout as well because it adds to everything else.

“One of the ah-ha moments for me was that getting burnout was not just about work, or doing things you don’t like… It can also be from things that you genuinely enjoy.”

The super-mum myth

Sharon, who works in the people development business, feels that parents can sometimes push ourselves to our own detriment.

“It’s easy to just get on with it because everyone is busy. I am not the only parent who’s working and managing home and community, so who am I to take pity on myself? On hindsight, I realise I didn’t know how to rest and recuperate.”

Terms like “super-mum” may also unintentionally push us to feel like we must have it all when we all have different circumstances, aspirations and capacity.

Resilience is also not just about pushing through challenges.

“When you talk about resilience, it’s not just the doing aspect but the resting aspect too,” she said. Thus, making space for rest prevents us from reaching the tipping point.

In her recovery period, Sharon learnt more about different kinds of rest. “There’s more than one rest. There’s physical, emotional, sensory, spiritual, mental, creative.”

Recognising what you need helps you scratch the itch where it is.

She cited the example of her two daughters. The younger likes hugs and physical touch, while the elder likes conversations and is more cerebral. So if she has had a day of very cerebral work and has to interact with the elder daughter, she may feel more taxed. “This is because I am already tapped out in that area and it has nothing to do with her,” she explained.

So it is important for us to grow in self-awareness and to figure out which aspect of you is running dry and needs attention and recuperation.

 

Making space for rest prevents us from reaching the tipping point.

Rebuilding boundaries

Sharon attributed her recovery to her supportive family and community.

”I remember once we had some friends over and my husband said to me, ‘you don’t do anything’. And he just ordered chicken rice and my friends ordered the drinks and we had a wonderful time!”

She also made deliberate choices, such as going for regular walks and being mindful of what she consumed as well as what to stay away from, such as incessant tech time.

“Not everyone can be a safe person to speak to about what you are going through so choose wisely,” shared Sharon, who acknowledged that she had a good support network of trusted friends.

The 3Rs for recovery

Sharon shared her 3Rs for recovery.

The first is rest, and that includes all the different types of rest.

“For me, it was also resting in God and my beliefs,” she added.

The second is recuperate, which means allowing yourself the time and space to recuperate.

The last is to regroup. This is when you begin planning again and restarting your engines.

She warns against regrouping too quickly without giving ourselves time and space to rest and recuperate. She reiterates, “Give yourself time to come back stronger.”

For a working parent, we tend to be the last priority because there’s so many things to take care of. But remember that if you are not taking care of yourself, it affects everything else, including your ability to care for others.

A Woman’s Value and Identity, Beyond Motherhood

Like an intense, encompassing first love, motherhood comes with an enveloping heady-ness and focus. 

Suddenly, your time, sleep and energy all go towards that one person – your bundle of joy. Even as they grow, your permanent role as mother means they remain a perennial focus. 

But wait, besides being a mother, you are still a wife, a daughter, perhaps even a doctor, writer, or teacher. Especially when motherhood seems to override every other role and interest, how do you reclaim your own identity? 

Tam Wai Jia, medical doctor, author and mother of two girls likens the phases of motherhood to being like seasons. 

“There were seasons when I was not speaking anywhere and seasons when I was getting invites and being visible in the public sphere. We all go through seasons and it’s important to embrace each one or we become very hard on ourselves.” 

She shared the following tips on how mothers can keep growing and not be buried by the seasons in motherhood.  

We all go through seasons and it’s important to embrace each one or we become very hard on ourselves. 

1. Drive your roots down deep 

“No one ever scolds a tree for not bearing fruit during the winter season,” said Wai Jia, “We are multifaceted beings and we have to ebb and flow with the different seasons of needs.” 

“Winter is when roots go down deep,” she added.   

In seasons when you don’t feel like you are going anywhere, learn to embrace what that season can do for you as an individual. Like how roots grow deep to find the water that sustains them, you will have to dig deeper to discover yourself. 

This could look like renewing a sense of purpose, better communication with your spouse and family or even re-organising your days to make space for self-care. 

“I think we underestimate the whole concept of rest, routine and doing the same things every day that motherhood sometimes is about,” shared Wai Jia. 

2. Don’t judge yourself based on a single season/role  

There are times when we won’t do as good a job as we’d like to. 

In Wai Jia’s case, her first child had severe eczema. As a first-time mum and also as a medical doctor, this somehow created a sense of failure. “There were times when I would say, ‘This (motherhood) is my only job and I can’t even do it right.’” 

However, she realised she was being hard on herself, something she found many fellow mothers do. She reflected that we have to give grace to ourselves too. 

Drawing healthy boundaries and not letting others’ comments affect you emotionally is a key to avoiding emotional overload. 

3. Know that your value is not based on what you produce 

Our value and identity do not change even when our roles do. Neither are they based on what we can produce. 

The emphasis that we are of greater value being if we hold a job of importance is something entrenched in our society. 

“Being a stay-at-home-mum can be triggering when you take a step back from your career and you hear questions like, ‘What do you do all day now,’” said Wai Jia who is currently working part-time. 

So we should surround ourselves with people who remind us we are valuable as individuals, and not because of what we can do or the titles we hold. 

4. Set healthy boundaries 

Wai Jia shared that her husband Cliff – a cancer survivor who has even completed an Ironman triathlon – willingly volunteered to be a stay-home-dad when she had to fulfil her work bond after they returned to Singapore. 

This gesture helped them navigate through that difficult season and yet there were people who made less-than-kind remarks. 

“I felt judged by other people who asked, ‘How come your husband is more present with your kids than you?’ At work, I also hear comments like, ‘Oh, you are married to a house husband, really, is that a real job?’” Wai Jia shared. 

Drawing healthy boundaries and not letting others’ comments affect you emotionally is a key to avoiding emotional overload even as you navigate your journey as a mother. If not, it’s easy to fall into the trap of overthinking what you did based on what other people say. 

5. Do what’s best for your family

The support Wai Jia gets from her husband is evident in the way she speaks about him. She also realises that their choice to not take on conventional full-time employment may be seen as unusual. However, they both believe that their choice has allowed them to have more time with their children. 

Both Cliff and Wai Jia homeschool their kids. Wai Jia is also the founder of non-profit Kitesong Global, which aims to empower young people to help vulnerable communities worldwide. Cliff is completing his Master’s and involved in coaching young people too. 

“As mothers, sometimes we let our in-laws or parents or friends affect how we parent. When we chose not to have confinement, or not to have a helper or do a home birth, people said that I was crazy.” she said. 

But being united as a family and daring to forge your own path has its rewards. Notably, your kids see you united as a team and you get to be more present with them. 

And while people may look at them now and think how perfect their lives seem, Wai Jia still remembers the winter seasons. 

”These seasons help us stay humble. Every time I get an award or something prolific now, I always remember the times I was hidden, when I was going through postpartum depression and wondering if this would end.” 

And they do, because seasons always change. 

Why Grandparenting Still Matters

Being a grandparent isn’t as easy as “enjoy them, spoil them and send them home”. 

Eugene Seow became a grandfather of two in 2020 and in 2022, received a double promotion to become a grandfather of four! As in parenting, there is no school you can learn from and you cannot apply the same rules as you did in your parenting days. But it’s an exciting journey for Eugene and his wife Julie as they embraced this new role wholeheartedly in this season of their lives.   

Eugene was the former CEO of a social service agency (SSA) and continues to actively serve in the community as a coach, mentor and consultant in different organisations.  Despite his busy schedule, he still prioritises grandparenting duties and would plan ahead with his children and accommodate each other for the occasional clashes of time and exigencies that require last minute help for child-minding.  

Over the past few years, Eugene has been a strong advocate for the active role grandparents can play in the lives of families, both natural and spiritual.  He piloted the “60 over 60” programme at Living Sanctuary Brethren Church, an initiative to encourage the seniors to stay active and healthy and to connect them to the younger generation in the church family as well.  

This initiative aims to address the struggles the seniors have transiting from a long career, into the sudden and seeming ‘emptiness’ of retirement.  

He said, “Very often, the issues that seniors face in their retirement years may be generational, but the solutions are found intergenerationally.”  

This is why grandparents are still an important part of today’s families. 

With more time on their hands, grandparents can give children the attention they need to grow and thrive. 

Why grandparenting still matters

With more resources available to parents today, such as the government’s efforts to make preschool more accessible by increasing capacity and subsidising costs, it can sometimes seem selfish to trouble your parents to take care of your child.  

In a society that values early education and giving children a headstart in life, we may also worry that the grandparents will not be able to keep up with the little one’s boundless energy and constant need for stimulation or engagement.    

It is worth reminding ourselves that the grandparents often have something we lack – Time.  

With more time on their hands, grandparents can give grandchildren the focussed attention they need to grow and thrive. Eugene and his wife, Julie would usually plan the time spent with their grandchildren, and loves bringing them out for walks, discovering the many different playgrounds around Singapore. Most days are spent at home where grandmother will read and share stories, sing or just play. 

The benefits of grandparenting  

Having the grandparents chip in is not simply about having free childcare services. Enlisting their help also benefits them, in staving off loneliness. 

Children can bring a fresh breath of life to the homes of the elderly, with their constant activity, movement, and excitement for life.  

As Ong Ye Kung, the Minister of Health recently warned at the White Paper Debate for Healthier SG, “We want to protect [the elderly], but we unintentionally expose them to an even greater risk of isolation and loneliness.  

“That is when the spirit wears out, and the body gives way. If that mindset becomes entrenched, then over time, seniors become a problem to be contained and put aside, such as in nursing homes – out-of-sight, out-of-mind. One day, that room will burst. 

“We must support as many seniors as possible to continue to live in the community, independently or with some help, contributing to the best of their ability, able to choose their own activities, and having a full social life with friends and family.” 

When we see our parents getting old, we may sometimes feel that we should spare them the ‘burden’ of caring for our own children. But in doing so, we may deprive them of the joy and purpose in bringing up the next generation.  

Research from Holt-Lunstad and Smith at Brigham Young University put the heightened risk of mortality from loneliness as akin to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and being an alcoholic.  

Entrusting your children to your parents, may not just benefit you, but them too.  

As much as I’m learning to value my children, and my grandchildren, I think it also works two-way. 

What if there are differences in parenting styles?

As a parent, one of your concerns may be around how the grandparent will ‘parent’ your child. You may worry that they may end up spoiling your child by being soft and permissive.  

Clarity helps – so don’t be afraid to share with the grandparents about your preferred approach and ground rules.  

For example, if you prefer that your child does not play with the phone unattended, make sure this is communicated well in advance.   

A bit of thoughtful planning can help ease tensions and foster stronger inter-generational ties. 

Ultimately, it’s what we value

As he reflected on his journey, Eugene concluded, “We need to first recognise each other’s value. Today, as much as I’m learning to value my children, and my grandchildren, I think it also works two-way.  

“Children can also learn to value their parents and see that they still have something to give, and contribute, even at an older age. 

“For example, even with my own mother, my siblings and I value her presence with us at meals and family gatherings even though at 90, she is not as active and mobile as before. She may not be able to spend time in the kitchen now but still feels so good when her children ask for her recipes and advice on various matters.  

“At the recent Christmas gathering, she walked us down memory lane when she reminded the adult grandchildren now how she used to cane and discipline them in their younger days. And it was agreed, no bad memories and no damage done! 

“We must all learn to continue valuing each other.”  

Eugene’s story reminds me of what my grandmother did for me, when I was under her care as a young boy. Daily, she would cook a big pot of pork porridge, followed by another steaming pot of soup. She would rock me gently to sleep, and then wake me when my parents came to pick me up.  

As I grew up, and those daily stays became weekly visits, she would press a $10 note into my hand, so that I could have more pocket money to spend.  

Looking back, I never truly appreciated those times, until my grandmother passed.  

Maybe the biggest lesson I learnt from her is that love knows no bounds and is not limited by age.  

So the next time grandma or grandpa makes a mistake or bends a rule in your book, let’s remember that the main thing isn’t about them becoming better at grandparenting, but the gift of love they freely lavish on our children – and also hopefully receive in return.