Child’s Life Stage: Primary Schooler

How Play can Improve Your Parenting

The Cambridge Dictionary says, “When you play, especially as a child, you spend time doing an enjoyable and/or entertaining activity.”

In recent times, the concept of play has been further incorporated into classrooms and at home. It is no longer a stand-alone activity that children do, but is also a means to help them learn and connect. There is just something about play that helps children see learning and relationships in a different way.

Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play.

There are many benefits that play can bring, especially to young children whose minds are developing rapidly:

1. Play strengthens relationships

Play creates special opportunities for bonding between children and their parents. Children connect with their parents at a deeper level through play because this is when they see their parents coming into their world.  

Such interactions create positive experiences that stimulate their brain. When we spend time playing regularly with our children, we will likely find that we are able to understand our children’s personality and thinking better. 

2. Play promotes impulse control and emotional regulation

Children who engage in pretend or imaginative play with their parents are better at self-regulation and emotional regulation. Play provides opportunities for children to learn essential skills such as turn-taking, resisting temptation to grab objects from others and persisting through difficult activities. It also helps children express and manage their negative emotions better.  

These are important skills for school readiness and their psychosocial development. Moreover, when children are more adept at self-regulation, it makes parenting less challenging! 

The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage our children in play.

3. Play improves communication and language

Children acquire language best through play, especially pretend play. They pick up and practise new words, learn to reciprocate each other’s actions and words and understand how communication works. Children who are regularly engaged in play have stronger communication skills as they grow, and can read and write better. 

In the early years, the communication muscle grows in children as they seek to express their needs and wants. The better they are at communicating, the more we can understand them and guide their thinking. 

While the benefits of play are apparent, engaging children in play is not as easy. The early years of parenting are often physically demanding and emotionally draining, making it more challenging for us to regularly engage them in play that requires emotional and mental involvement.  

One possible way is to agree on a timeframe where we will give full attention to our children, and then leave them to play on their own after that. This gives children the assurance that their Dad and Mum still love to play with them, but also teaches them that their parents need a break as well. 

Here are some quick and fun activities that we can engage our children with, even after a long day.

Vertical Bowling

(Image: New Horizon Academy)

Stack paper or plastic cups into the shape of a pyramid on the floor, and using any ball you can find, roll it towards the stack of cups. The aim is to knock off as many cups as possible. Children are fascinated by how the ball can knock down this tall tower of cups and will strive to conquer them all. This is a low-prep game that brings about lots of excitement and fun in the home.

Story-Acting

Choose a storybook that has a storyline and characters where children can pretend to be immersed in. As parents narrate the story, children can pretend to be these characters and act out the story. Stories come alive when children get to act them out, and they also get to practise their language skills when they recite their lines.

Furthermore, parents can reinvent the stories according to their own imagination. This will encourage children to activate their creativity and continue the story in their own words.

Popular titles you can try:

  • The Three Little Pigs
  • Little Red Riding Hood
  • We’re Going On A Bear Hunt

Paper Plane Race

Get ready some templates for plane-folding so that everyone can choose the design that they think will be the fastest. Grab some paper and start folding, and once everyone is ready, fly your planes.

You may increase the difficulty of this game by adding targets that are placed on the floor or hung up. These will be challenging not just for kids, but adults too. It will definitely be a fun one that will crack everyone up.

Board Games Night

I love board games! It requires no preparation and teaches many skills. Parents are freed from ‘executing’ because everyone must follow the rules that are already set. Parents can fully enjoy the game as much as the children do. Making this a family routine will add to your family’s core memory as the kids grow.

Hot Potato

Form a circle, play a fast song and pass a ball around as quickly as you can. The objective of the game is to not be the one holding the ball when the song stops. As amusing as it sounds, children love to be the one holding the ball when the song stops; it just makes them feel extra special. Perhaps everyone else could then think of a silly forfeit to make it even more fun.

Play is beneficial for our children’s growth, but more importantly is something that they enjoy doing. As parents, we love seeing our children being in their element and showing pure joy on their faces as they play. It may be tiring and sometimes frustrating to still have to engage them after a long day, but play as an investment is never in vain.

Our efforts to engage them in play today will pay off when they are able to build a deep connection with us, communicate with us and grow in their self-regulation. Let’s keep playing with our children!

Father’s Day Campaign

Dadication
[noun]

The willingness of dads to give a lot of time and energy to their kids because it is important to them.

Fatherhood is a race of a lifetime, filled with heart-racing moments of exciting play and sometimes also heart-stopping moments of panic.

This race produces determination and dedication within each father, with the end goal not of winning, but having loved their children the best they knew how.

This Father’s Day, we’re Dadicated to spotlighting the lasting legacies and importance of fathers, shaping lives through generations!

Additionally, a free e-guide, "The Busy Dad's Playbook", for creating unforgettable memories with your child.
1.
Curated bonding ideas, organised by amount of time available
2.
Valuable fathering tips.
3.
Interesting "Did You Know?" facts.

Secure your free resource!

DOWNLOAD RESOURCE

ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

Dive in and discover the joy of bonding amidst life’s busyness. You may also be surprised at how far it can take you in your relationship with your child!
DOWNLOAD RESOURCE

Mother’s Day Campaign

Being a mother is one of the most special and unique experiences in this world – even in the way it stretches and challenges a person.
 
Battles with meltdowns can be long drawn, and seasons of discouragement and doubt seemingly endless.
 
This Mother’s Day, join us in encouraging mums to trust the process and in affirming her for her growth!
 
If you are a mum, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time.

Campaign Objectives:

  1. Affirm mothers that the everyday things
    they do count in
    their children’s lives.
  2. Encourage mums
    to trust the process,
    even if they have
    yet to see growth in
    the present.
Find out more

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Get in touch!

ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

How to Foster Healthy Body Image in Your Child

Primary years (7-9)

Instill Healthy Habits 

For younger children, we serve as the primary influencers through our actions and attitudes.  

At this stage, it’s all about integrating healthy eating and regular physical activity into our family life. This not only helps our children establish beneficial habits but also sends a powerful message about the value placed on our overall well-being.  

We should also steer clear of fad diets and crash programmes, while keeping open conversations about the uniqueness of our body, no matter what size and shape we are.

Tween years (10-12)

Use Language Mindfully 

As we parent our young teens, we must be vigilant about the language we use. Simple comments can have a profound impact on a budding teenager’s self-perception.  

Rather than focusing on appearance, we can shift the emphasis towards character traits and qualities such as resilience, kindness and helpfulness.   

Avoid Sibling or Relative Comparisons  

Each child is unique, and comparisons among siblings or relatives can be detrimental to their self-esteem.  

We should acknowledge and celebrate our children’s individual strengths and qualities. Wherever possible, emphasise that differences in appearance are natural and do not determine a person’s worth.  

By focusing on each child’s unique strengths and gifts, we foster an environment where siblings can support and uplift each other rather than compete based on physical or intellectual attributes.  

Refrain from Weight-Related Comments 

Negative comments about weight, even if well-intentioned, can contribute to low self-esteem and body image issues. Instead of focusing on appearance, keep family discussions around health, balanced lifestyles, and well-being.  

You can encourage healthy eating habits without associating food with weight, by emphasising the importance of nourishing the body through balanced nutrition and regular exercise.  

Teen years (13-15) 

Navigating the journey of teenhood — a period marked by a whirlwind of physical changes and external pressures — can be a complex maze of self-discovery, where a young person’s sense of self is under constant construction.  

Instil Positive Food Habits  

Parents, you play a pivotal role in shaping your child’s relationship with food. Create a positive atmosphere around meals, emphasising the enjoyment of a variety of foods for their taste and nutritional value. Avoid labelling foods as “good” or “bad”, fostering a healthy and balanced approach to eating.  

Introduce your teen to the joy of cooking and involve them in meal planning! This can help cultivate a positive relationship with food that extends well into adulthood. Also, encourage physical activity as a fun and enjoyable aspect of daily life, rather than a means of weight control.  

If you notice red flags like frequent skipping of meals, severe dieting or over-exercising, you may wish to ask your child if he or she has concerns about their weight, or consider seeking professional help. 

Cultivate an Overall Healthy Lifestyle 

Promoting a healthy lifestyle encompasses more than just physical well-being.  

As parents and caregivers, we can set the tone by celebrating achievements that are unrelated to appearance and fostering an environment at home that values self-care and a balanced life! 

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate 

What Is Sexual Grooming?

Preschool (4-6 years), Primary (7-9 years), Tween (10-12 years) 

Sexual grooming can happen to both boys and girls, online or offline. Most perpetuators are known to the victims, so children might be reluctant to “tell on” someone they are familiar with, especially if it is a person they like or respect.  

This is why it is important to teach them that not everyone they meet or know is a safe person, and it is best to always come to mum or dad whenever they feel confused or have questions. 

We also need to teach them that the covered areas of their bodies are private and should not be shared with anyone, even in the form of a photo or video. Teach them that they have the power to speak up when they feel uncomfortable with any form of physical/virtual contact.    

 Statistics on sexual abuse show that shock and surprise often keep victims quiet. To avoid this, role-play possible scenarios, for example, “Let’s say someone chats with you while playing a game, and he asks you to send him a picture of yourself naked, what do you do?”  

You can also equip them with easy-to-remember handles to use, for example using SWAT as a mnemonic device: 

1. Shut Down 

2. Walk Away  

3. Talk to A Safe Adult 

Groomers often use social media, gaming platforms, and other online chat rooms to target young people. Sexual grooming can begin in very subtle ways or disguised as a game. The perpetuator might ask the victim to keep what happened as a secret, because it is part of the game or even use threats to scare the child.  

Groomers may start by simply talking to the child, but they will quickly try to build a closer relationship. They may offer compliments, gifts, or other favours. They may also listen to the child’s problems and offer support. 

To pre-empt this, talk to your child about these common tactics and teach them to raise the red flag if they notice any of these things. On your part, be on the lookout for anyone who is giving special attention to your child.   
  
It is important that you and your child build an open and trusting relationship, grounded in your unconditional love and in your ability to handle whatever is shared with you, for example, by not panicking or becoming upset with them.  

Reinforce that they have done the right thing whenever they come to you with questions or doubts. Your child needs the assurance that you will not fault them or dismiss what they share, but that they can depend on you to support them emotionally and help resolve the situation.    

Teen (13-15 years), Late teens (16-18 years) 

Continue to make yourself a safe place for your children to come to even as they grow into the teenage years.  

Even older teens can go into a state of shock when sexual abuse happens. They may passively go along with what’s going on because they do not know what to do, or because of the internal confusion they’re facing. 

If you suspect your teen is going through something because they are suddenly withdrawn, depressed, or fearful of certain places or people, reach out to find out how your child is doing. Let your teen share at their own pace. It may take more than one conversation to get the full story.  
 

At this stage, some teens may have started romantic relationships, so it is a good time to talk about boundaries within relationships and respectful and consensual physical touch.   
  
Help your teen see that sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual touch or sharing of explicit/naked photographs. Possessing and/or distributing sexual images is considered a crime in Singapore.   

Any sexual activity that happens when one party is unable to give consent—for example, being incapacitated, asleep or drunk—is also sexual abuse.  

Talk about various grooming methods like buying things and paying for your teen over a period of time so that eventually, your teen feels like he or she “owes” the person and has to repay them.  

Coercion can take many forms. It can range from “If you do not do this, I will…” statements to “But everyone is doing this”, or “I really like it if you do this. Can you do it for me?”  

Empower your children to develop and believe in the power of their own voice. Emphasise that they can say “Stop” or “No” at any time and that it is okay to realise they have gone too far or made a mistake and still demand the person to step.  

Help them avoid the trap of thinking that they are in the wrong for being in a situation and thus, have no right to stop. “You can always stop” can be a very powerful belief to instil in them.  

Do approach these conversations holistically, for instance, as you explain upskirt photos and why they are wrong, teach your daughters to be observant when wearing skirts, and your sons to avert their eyes when noticing something inappropriate.  

Part of our children’s growth into adulthood also include experiencing sexual desires. Acknowledge that this is a normal and healthy part of growing up!  
  
Sexual grooming/abuse is a huge topic and one we hope our children will never experience. To safeguard our children, regularly have sex education talks at home and remember to be a calm and loving presence in their lives.   

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Should I Allow My Child To Play With An Opposite Gendered Toy?

Early Years (0-3 Years)

At this tender age, children and infants are in the exciting stage of exploring the world around them. At this stage, we should prioritise meeting their developmental needs and providing age-appropriate toys, rather than worrying whether the toys are blue or pink.

Babies are typically engaged in sensory exploration, fine motor skill development, and initial social interactions. Consequently, soft and cuddly toys can offer comfort and sensory stimulation, while colourful and high-contrast toys can provide visual stimulation.

Research has demonstrated that toddlers often find joy in toys designed for their gender. However, it’s acceptable if they choose to play with toys typically associated with the opposite gender as they can pick up different skills as well.

Preschool years (4-6 Years), Primary years (7-9 Years)

While there is nothing wrong with a young boy choosing to play with dolls or a girl loving toy cars, decades of research on children’s toy preferences show large and reliable preferences for toys related to their own gender.

Most girls might choose toys that feature appealing aesthetics or nurturing traits, while boys prefer toys with movement and excitement.

Further, one study showed that children as young as 9 months old prefer to play with toys specific to their own gender. This indicates that sex differences in toy preference appear early in development. Thus, it is likely that both biology and environment matter in shaping play choices.

Gender role modelling

Another point worth noting is that children primarily learn about gender roles through the observation of significant adults in their lives. This is where the influence of a mother and a father becomes paramount.

In learning about masculinity, a boy looks to his father and how he conducts himself at home and with others. Positive behaviours, such as learning to express emotions in productive ways and treating others with respect, are learnt through modelling.

The young child would also be observing how his father treats his mother, and where loving and respectful behaviours are the norm, he would naturally develop a sense of high regard for women.

Thus, while a boy playing with dolls can be said to be learning the behavioural trait of nurturing, how significant adults in his life behave and interact may carry more weight.

In child’s play, it is also critical to acknowledge and respect a child’s interests and to allow them to explore different kinds of play and toys.

Letting them take the lead in this regard is more useful than steering them towards certain choices based on one’s own ideology and worldview, or what is deemed progressive in society.

So, let’s give our children autonomy to make choices that resonate with their interests and unique personalities, while also making the effort to ensure home is a safe and nurturing place.

These are all essential steps to helping our kids develop a healthy sense of identity and regard for themselves and the opposite sex.

 

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Cyberbullying: How can we protect our children?

In today’s digital age, where children are so immersed in technology, the threat of your child experiencing cyberbullying is very real.

Cyberbullying is a form of harassment that occurs online, often targeting children and adolescents through digital platforms, such as social media, messaging apps, and online communities.

Not sure if your child is experiencing cyberbullying? Some signs to look out for include:

  • A sudden change in daily routines and device use habits
  • Deleting of social media accounts
  • Showing strong negative emotions after social media usage or after school
  • Decreased self-esteem, shown through statements like “life is so difficult” or “everything is meaningless”

Encourage your child to share their online experiences, both positive and negative, without fear of judgment.

Here are some proactive steps we can take to protect our children from cyberbullying.

1. Create a safe space for conversation

Encourage your child to share their online experiences, both positive and negative, without fear of judgment. Creating a safe space for conversation allows you to better understand their online interactions and respond effectively when issues arise.

2. Educate and empower

Teach your children about online etiquette, responsible internet usage, and the potential risks associated with sharing personal information. Empower them with the knowledge and skills to recognise and report cyberbullying incidents. Encourage critical thinking and empathy to foster a healthy online community.

3. Set clear boundaries 

Establish guidelines for screen time, app usage, and online friends. Emphasise the importance of privacy settings on social media platforms and the risks of accepting friend requests from strangers. Setting boundaries helps children understand the limits of their online activities and promotes responsible behaviour.

Always be transparent about your monitoring practices.

4. Monitor online activities

While respecting your child’s privacy, consider implementing parental control software and monitoring tools to keep an eye on their online interactions. Regularly review their friend lists, messages, and posts to identify any signs of cyberbullying. However, always be transparent about your monitoring practices.

5. Encourage offline activities

Balance is key, so encourage your child to participate in offline activities like sports, hobbies, and social gatherings. Engaging in fun, non-digital experiences can help reduce the overall time spent online and minimise your child’s exposure to cyberbullying.

6. Teach resilience

Cyberbullying can be emotionally distressing, so one life skill that we should intentionally build in our children is resilience.

Emphasise the importance of not taking hurtful online comments to heart and how to seek emotional support when needed. Teach them to respond to online bullies with a protective phrase like, “So what?” or “They cannot tell me who I am.”

In conclusion, protecting our children from bullying requires a combination of proactive measures, including education, communication, and fostering the life skill of resilience.

By staying involved in our children’s online lives and guiding them through the digital world, we can help create a safer and more positive online environment for our kids, and for many generations to come!

How to Manage Stress and Anxiety

Exams – one of the most dreaded words in the Singapore parent’s dictionary. Throw in “DSA”, “AL levels”, “math problem sums”, and I am sure we can almost hear a collective groan amongst parents and children across the island.

With the year-end exams drawing near yet again, it’s common for exam fever to hit our homes. Parents either do their dutiful obligation to support their children with tuition classes or spend extended time over weekends and weekday nights mulling through schoolwork together in solidarity with their child. Many parents do both – it is hard to assuage the niggling anxieties we may have for their future at the back of our minds.

Despite moves in recent years to deemphasize exams in Singapore by the removal of mid-year exams across levels, the pressure cooker lid does not seem to have fully lifted. The statistics are concerning. In a 2020 survey by Focus on the Family, 7 out of 10 children felt negatively about upcoming school exams, choosing words such as “angry”, “worried” or “sad”, and more than three in five felt worried.

Quite significantly, the study also found that parental support could be one factor to help mitigate the negative effects of test anxiety on students. Of the three in five children who were worried, 38.1% indicated that they do not receive consistent parental support. This begs the question: How do we know if our child is feeling stressed?

Tune in to some of their verbal cues that may be indicative of fear or feelings that they do not measure up.

Tackling the signs of stress

It’s important to be aware that stress may not necessarily be a bad thing. In the right amounts, stress can be a form of extra energy that the body uses to prepare for and overcome challenges. However, when stress presents in more extreme or long-lasting forms, we may have to watch for tell-tale signs such as:
  • Struggling to pay attention to schoolwork or activities
  • Finding excuses to miss classes or activities
  • Loss of energy/appetite/sleep
  • Rebelliousness/sulkiness/mood swings
  • Withdrawal from others/ spending more time on mobile devices and social media
In addition to watching out for these signs, we should try to uncover the root causes of such behaviour. A fear of failure can be very real for many children as they struggle with meeting the expectations they know are quietly imposed or sometimes articulated to them by well-meaning parents, teachers and peers. Tune in to some of their verbal cues that may be indicative of fear or feelings that they do not measure up.
  • “I need to do well, or I will have no future.
  • “I am not good at anything/not talented/ useless.”
Refrain from adding to an atmosphere of tension that may trigger more stress and tears.

Exam season tips for parents

Parents would also be wise to learn coping ways for our own stress and expectations to prevent them from spilling over. This is significant when we play such a pivotal role in ensuring their social and emotional well-being and especially so when we are our children’s closest support.

Here are some pointers:

1. Be aware of your child’s needs

The gift of our supportive presence can be second to none. This means not needing our children to perform to our expectations for them but appreciating our children for who they are and where they are at – giving them the needed encouragement and a safe space to learn, grow and make mistakes.

2. Pay attention to what they are saying and doing

During stressful periods, it is more important to listen to what they say and observe their non-verbal cues. When your child is upset, accept their feelings, whatever they are – anger, embarrassment, bravado. Avoid immediate judgment, or solutions, or even reassurance. It is important to observe without feeling a need to comment, nag, remind or get the last word in. In essence, we need to refrain from adding to an atmosphere of tension that may trigger more stress and tears. Pick up on conversations later when there has been time to process these thoughts and feelings.

3. Communicate in an open and supportive manner

Keep usual conversation topics open and not just zoom in on academics no matter how hard-pressed for time we are. “How was your day?”, “What are you looking forward to this weekend?”, “Is there anything we can help you with during this period?” are all important questions to balance perspectives so things don’t get overwhelming.

4. Fuel them up

Nutritious meals, healthy snacks, and adequate sleep can go a long way in smoothing through rough days. Carve out scheduled breaks to unwind and plan something enjoyable that your child enjoys so he or she can recharge and be rejuvenated.

5. Reassure

Let your child know that they are loved and accepted regardless of their examination performance. Prepare cards, special treats and gifts for motivating and cheering him/her on for every effort. Help your child to plan a realistic revision timetable, which breaks the days and subjects down into manageable chunks. This will reduce their anxiety by increasing their sense of control and confidence.

6. Regulate ourselves, not just our children

We set the tone and atmosphere in our homes by what we say, our reactions and body language we display. Be watchful not to invoke undue pressure, comparisons or unfair expectations. As parents, we need to avoid being easily triggered and focus on calming our own mannerisms to keep stress levels low.

With these exam season tips, you can be a safe and consistent anchor for your child while navigating this stressful period together!

How to Avoid Sibling Rivalry

“It’s not fair!” exclaimed the 17-year-old boy, “My mother is always siding with my brother.” 

Alex* was almost in tears when he broke down in the counselling room. He had been meeting me on a regular basis to discuss various issues related to his identity and sense of self-worth. 

With pain in his eyes and a quivering voice, he described all the instances when he felt that he was treated unfairly by his mother. This included extra Japanese classes, an overseas exchange programme in Japan, and even money to buy a new car – for his brother, Joseph*. 

“I just don’t understand why she can give him anything that he wants. But when I ask her for anything, her answer would always be ‘no.’ It’s so frustrating.” 

Alex shared that the rivalry with his brother had gone back as far as he could remember, and this has affected his perspective of himself. He had always felt inferior to Joseph, who seemed to do much better in everything that he did. 

Alex’s story is a good example of how intense sibling rivalry can be; especially if there is perceived injustice. 

From sibling rivalry to sibling love 

But not all siblings engage in such competitive behaviour. Amanda Ng is one such individual. She recently won the Singapore Patient Caregiver Award, which honours persons who have demonstrated strength, resilience and unwavering dedication in caring for another person who requires support. Amanda’s sister, Amelia, suffers from a rare genetic disorder which requires her to rely on a ventilator to breathe. 

Speaking to Focus on the Family Singapore, Amanda shared that she and Amelia were very close growing up, and often played together. However, as Amelia started losing her abilities, Amanda’s mum made an effort for her to play a part in her sister’s care. This helped her realise that despite relying on a tube, Amelia was her own person and that she had her own abilities too.  

“It hasn’t been the easiest. We have watched Amelia gradually lose every one of her abilities. From the ability to call me “Jie-jie” (which means Chinese for sister) to now not even being able to breathe on her own.” 

When asked if there is any sibling rivalry with Amelia, especially since her sister seems to get so much more attention from her parents, Amanda said the closest to this was when she asked her mum if she could have another sibling who was more “normal.”  

In spite of her sister’s disabilities, Amanda truly loves her sister, and the siblings remain close. She shared, “Amelia has a heart of gold. She would wait for me to come home every night from school and hear all about my day.”  

The story of Amanda and Amelia is one where sibling love triumphs over self-centredness.  

But how can everyday parents avoid sibling rivalry? What can they do to help their children feel loved and secure? 

Our children need to know that they are loved beyond the shadow of a doubt. 

Parenting principles to encourage sibling love 

I have two boys, aged 10 and 12, and have experienced times when both boys jostle for the attention of my wife and myself.  

Yet there are other moments which depict the true nature of their relationship – one where they love and support each other in moments both good and bad. During the process, I have learnt three parenting principles to help my children steer away from sibling rivalry and towards sibling love. 

  1. Give your undivided love and attention to each child


    Our children need to know that they are loved beyond the shadow of a doubt. For them to experience this, we need to provide them with our undivided love and attention. This can be when they come back from school or during an outing, when they’re brimming with excitement over something that they had experienced that day, or after watching a movie, talking excitedly about the movie characters and various happenings during the show. 

    For instance, my younger son loves sailing, and I often spend the car ride home talking about the things he learnt while at sea. 

    As for my older son, there are times when he would share excitedly about his latest Nintendo Switch game. During such times, I try to listen attentively to him as he describes all the various characters in the game. I know they appreciate that their Daddy ascribes importance to the things that they love. 

  2. Celebrate your children’s strengths, empathise with their weaknesses 


    We need to know what our children are good at, and continually affirm them in these areas. Likewise, it is important to be aware of what is challenging for them and be extra gentle with them when they fall short. 

    For instance, my older son is particularly kind and attentive to the needs of others, and I often affirm him when he makes other people comfortable just by expressing concern for them. 

    As for my younger son, he is good with his hands, often using his tool kit to do repairs around the house. I often praise him when he manages to fix or restore something. 

    There is a misconception that parents need to love each child in exactly the same way. 

  3. Love your children differently; not equally


    There is a misconception that parents need to love each child in exactly the same way. This is due to the notion that when you treat them equally, they would also feel equally loved. 

    But it is far more important to love your children unconditionally, which means that we understand their needs and acknowledge that each child is different. And we then love them in a way that they would understand. 

    For example, I know my older son’s favourite dish is sambal kangkong, and I would specially cook the dish for him during our meals. 

    As for my younger son, he loves hotdogs and French fries, so I would sometimes stop by the snack stall to buy a couple of sausages for him on the way home.  


When our children know that we love them regardless of what they do, they will develop healthily as secure individuals, and sibling rivalry and comparisons will also tend to affect them less. 

*All names and identifying features have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved. 

What to Do When the Little One Says ‘No!’

It was a typical weekday morning where I was fetching my son home from school. On the way back, I noticed he looked glum and pensive, but thought it was due to tiredness.  

Upon arriving home, I told him to remove his shoes, wash his hands and get ready for lunch. Instead of complying, he began to sob. “I don’t want to eat lunch!” The sobbing soon turned into a full-blown meltdown. 

Many parents would be familiar with this. Few of us – myself included – wish to be caught in such situations as they drain us and interrupt our busy schedules.  

However, it is common for young children to display such behaviour as they are still learning how to deal with the big emotions that come with unmet needs or unexpected experiences.  

Here are some strategies that enabled me to regain control of the situation and calm my son: 

1. Listen with empathy   

I brought my son to his room and gave him some time to recover so that I could hear him out. Once he was calm enough, he shared that some of his classmates were mean to him in the morning.  

By listening to him share his thoughts, my son felt heard and understood. This made him more open to what I had to say, while also helping me understand what triggered his emotions. 

I also did my best to reflect his feelings – that he probably felt angry and hurt by his friends. This taught him to identify the emotions he had been experiencing all morning.  

Over time, and with practice, he has gradually gotten better at understanding his feelings and expressing himself.  

Colouring, jumping on the spot, holding a favourite pillow, squeezing a soft toy or cuddles are examples of healthy outlets that could help soothe our children. 

2. Do a calming activity  

Next, I got him to do some deep breathing to calm down further. This involved a few repetitions of simply breathing in, holding his breath for five seconds, and breathing out.  

At other times, I would ask him to pretend my finger was a birthday candle and blow on it. The harder he blew, the more I would wriggle it. This proved very effective as it was fun, helped take his mind away from what triggered him, and also calmed him by making him take deep breaths.  

Every child is different, and it is important to do what works for your child. Colouring, jumping on the spot, holding a favourite pillow, squeezing a soft toy or cuddles with mummy or daddy are other examples of healthy outlets that could help soothe our children.  

3. Offer appropriate concessions  

Although he had calmed down, he was still resistant towards eating and insisted on having a different meal for lunch. 

On occasions where I felt my son was already quite stretched from the day’s activities, I would nudge him along by offering appropriate concessions to motivate him. That day, I offered to carry him to the table to help him get started on lunch.  

Other options that have worked for us include offering snacks (e.g. healthy sugar-free gummies), giving him some play time before his nap, or a short amount of screen time if he was able to complete the task at hand.  

Adding play in our interactions with our children keeps them engaged and helps them to get on board with daily routines. 

4. Press ‘play’ often   

When he was at the dining table, he still refused to eat his lunch! While this was frustrating, I reminded myself that it was normal for a three-year-old to behave this way. Having had a long day at school and coming home on an empty stomach, he would naturally be more disagreeable.  

To get him interested in eating, I added some fun by pretending the spoon was a spaceship, and by getting him to open his mouth like his favourite dinosaur.  

Adding a healthy dose of play to our otherwise mundane interactions with our children keeps them engaged and helps them to get on board with their daily routines. 

Celebrating little wins of the day helps parents to go the distance. 

The importance of self-care and healthy expectations 

Young children often “act out” when their needs are unmet, such as when they are overtired, hungry, or overwhelmed by difficult situations.  

But it can be challenging to extend grace to our children by seeking to understand their needs. After all, in the heat of the moment, how many of us can maintain an air of patience and calm? 

Here’s where it is important for us to practise self-care to ensure our own love tanks are filled. When we are well rested, we are in a better position to co-regulate our children’s big emotions and help address their needs.  

Let’s also be clear, no one is perfect. While we can take incremental steps to improve our parentcraft, we will inevitably fall short on some days.  

I’ve discovered that celebrating the little wins of the day helps my wife and I go the distance – such as rejoicing when one child reaches a growth milestone, discovering new things about them, or even unwinding after they are safely tucked into bed.  

As you practise these tools for self-care and managing toddler meltdowns, I hope you will grow in your parentcraft and learn to find joy – even amidst the hair-raising moments.