When Results Aren't The Only Thing
What your children really need to succeed
Published on 21 October, 2023
John Lim
author
John is a Registered Social Worker who worked in a family service centre before leaving to run Media Lede, a content agency that focuses on creating purposeful content centred on social issues.
Growing up, exam season was a big thing. In my family, at least.
Growing up in a neighbourhood school, I was constantly fed with the idea that working hard was the only way to a better life.
In the lead-up to the PSLE, I would regularly wake up at 4am to study before I went to school. Even at the tender age of 12, my mum would buy me coffee so that I could stay awake.
By all accounts, it worked, as I landed in one of the most elite schools in Singapore.
Yet, the competition didn’t end there. It was only the beginning. For the rest of high school and college, I was given the narrative that we were the “cream of the crop”. Achievements were aplenty in my school. Each day, during assembly, we would see people winning Math Olympiads, international sports competitions, and being awarded book prizes.
I was struggling to even pass my exams at this point. Seeing these achievements around me fuelled my internal narrative that I was not enough.
Finally in 2016, I won that overseas scholarship, but that only set me on a drive for more.
It was worse now. I had a price tag to my value, with the $208,000 bond now quantifying my worth. I felt I had to work to justify what others had invested in me.
In 2019, I thought I got all I wanted.
The first-class honours, awards, and even a board directorship.
But when I finally returned to Singapore, I was filled with a strange emptiness. I stuffed myself with cakes, chocolates and cookies to fill the emptiness within me. Within a month, I grew by 8kg. I realised I needed help. In October 2019, I saw a psychiatrist, and took antidepressants.
It was an irony to imagine how far I’d fallen from grace – from a board director, to being put on antidepressants.
I share this story because I want parents to know one thing: That what you might be pushing your child to – more accolades, better results, may not be the thing that satisfies them, nor you.
There is a caveat though.
Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition.
Results are still important
As a social worker, I’ve seen some parents fling to the other extreme of declaring, “Results are not important! It’s okay if you fail.”
Striving for excellence in school is a good and healthy trait. Simply letting your child play is not ideal.
We often say, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” But we forget the converse is also true. “All play and no work makes Jack a poor boy.”
Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition.
My parents regularly communicated with me why academic excellence was important. It was made more real because of the multiple retrenchments my dad experienced during my growing up years.
One night, after my father had been retrenched, my mum explained to me that academic excellence wouldn’t necessarily guarantee a more secure future, but it would provide a firmer foundation.
It helped me understand why she was pushing me so hard.
My parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it.
Nurturing excellence outside of school
Inculcating your child with a healthy desire for excellence is necessary and important.
I appreciated how my parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance.
It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it, and not because the school required it.
For example, from the age of 4, they sent me for swim and art classes to inculcate a healthy lifestyle.
For your child, you too can encourage hobbies outside of school. It can teach your child in nurturing a natural drive for excellence in what they want to do, rather than what they need to do.
The key though is having a balance, rather than over-scheduling your child. We often apply an adult perspective of full-time work to a child’s schedule, without realising that some unhurried time may be beneficial to them.
Healthy boundaries around screen-based play
A healthy desire for excellence is also nurtured within well-structured boundaries, particularly around device usage.
As a social worker, one of the most common parenting complaints I’ve seen is around a lack of control of screen usage.
We may not realise the dangers of device use at an early age, when the brains of children are not fully developed. They may lack the maturity to self-manage their device usage.
What’s interesting is also how tech titans have dealt with device usage in their own families.
In the aftermath of the release of the iPad, Nick Bilton, a New York Times reporter, asked Steve Jobs, “Your kids must love the iPad, right?”
Jobs replied, “They haven’t used it. We limit the amount of technology our children use at home.”
Walter Isaacson, the biographer of Steve Jobs went on to report:
“Every night Steve insisted on dining at the big kitchen table, talking about books, history and a variety of other things. Nobody ever took out an iPad or a computer. The kids didn’t seem addicted to the devices. “
Balancing push and pull
In the push for excellence, perhaps what is needed is to remember to pull our children towards us for nurturing.
How?
Whatever mark your child gets for their exams, take time to let them know that you appreciate the effort they’ve put in. Communicate the unconditional love you have, regardless of the mark they’ve achieved.
In the lead-up to their exams, don’t gloss over the emotions of anxiety and fear that the child might experience. Take time to speak about it during dinners. Ask questions like: “How do you feel about your upcoming exams?”
Share your own experiences of exam anxiety when growing up. It models to your child that feelings are a valid aspect of who they are, and not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
What our children long for
Often, our child’s studying habits can leave us feeling frustrated and angry. We wish they would study harder, spend less time on phone games, and be better behaved.
We may unwittingly convey the message that our child can only be loved if they achieve better grades, stop playing so much, or be better behaved.
In 2015, after receiving my A-Level results, I felt lost and anxious. I wanted to become a doctor, but I couldn’t, because of my results.
I started actively thinking about suicide. In my mind, I rationalised it as, “Since I can’t become a doctor, there’s not much point in living.”
Eventually I saw a doctor, who referred me to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH). In the wee hours of the morning, when I was finally allowed to go home, my father wrapped his arms around me, squeezed my shoulder, and said:
“John, straight A-s or no A-s, you’re still my son.”
Children long to be validated and loved for who they are, and not just who they will become.
Today, perhaps it’s worth asking, “What if your child was doing the very best they could?”
How would that change your approach to them?
It’s worth reflecting on.
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
John Lim
author
John is a Registered Social Worker who worked in a family service centre before leaving to run Media Lede, a content agency that focuses on creating purposeful content centred on social issues.
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