What No One Told You About the First Year of Marriage
What No One Told You About the First Year of Marriage
Managing conflict, differences and expectations
Published on 08 July, 2024
“I hereby declare you husband and wife!” Ahhh, the phrase that every couple longs to hear as they tie the knot before their family and friends, followed by a rousing applause and celebration. What could go wrong?
Ask any seasoned couples who are decades into their marriage, and they will tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest! Beyond the endless romance that many newlyweds fantasise about in the days leading up to their wedding, it’s a time of navigating the new roles and of a husband and wife, which often includes adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, routines, and quirks.
As a newlywed myself, I sought advice from five people who got married within the last five years to glean their wisdom on thriving in the first year of marriage. Here are their top tips to make this journey (and that of other newlyweds) less painful:
Our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin.
1. Develop conflict resolution skills
The top tip from everyone I interviewed was learning how to communicate with your spouse and develop conflict resolution skills.
Benjamin (married for 3 years) stressed the importance of better communication during disagreements, particularly when making joint decisions. He shared a significant disagreement in his first year of marriage: choosing a designer for their home renovations. What should have been a fun bonding activity turned into a misunderstanding that left both parties hurt and sour.
Benjamin said, “My wife thought that I was too fixated on my designer of choice and wasn’t open to considering other designers, but I was trying to let her know that I was in fact still open to considering our other options. Even though my intentions were right, my wife shared that she didn’t feel that openness from me when we were talking through our options, and this came down to the way I had phrased some comments and opinions during our discussion.”
Having good intentions isn’t enough; your spouse needs to perceive them as such. Beyond word choice, our non-verbal communication (tone, body language, facial expressions) can betray one’s intentions.
Sharon (married for 2 years) added that our responses and interpretations of our spouse’s actions are influenced largely by the lens, perspectives, and values developed in our family of origin. She shares how her family’s tradition of celebrating occasions with meals and gifts differed from her husband’s, leading to misunderstandings as she interpreted his lack of meals and gifts as a sign of disinterest or care for her.
Natasha (married for 4 years) added that a victim mentality, often developed in childhood, can cause one to “project unnecessary blame” onto their spouse when there was no ill intent.
Understanding that your family origins affect how you interpret your spouse’s actions can help you avoid misplaced blame. Instead, you can share vulnerably about how certain actions makes you feel, and allow space for your spouse to extend compassion on your story.
It is not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse.
2. Respect individual differences
Another common tip was reframing differences and disagreements not as dealbreakers, but as normal and expected.
Natasha initially felt the need to agree on everything with her husband, fearing that disagreements meant something was wrong with her or the marriage. This caused undue stress as she tried to “fix herself” whenever they didn’t see eye to eye. Over time, however, she learnt that it was not the lack of disagreement that signified a healthy marriage, but rather the ability to have honest conversations and pure intents towards your spouse, especially in matters where there is a difference in views and opinions.
Kerin (married for 2 years) highlighted the discovery of new habits and routines after moving in together, from different approaches to household chores to minor things like “when to turn off a switch”. She shared, “Every day is like watching Discovery Channel – from dishes to laundry, routines to minor things, there were just so many occurrences where we had squabbles. But it was a very necessary journey as we progressed in adapting to doing this new life together and realised the need to adapt and give each other grace as we learn to live together.”
The key to a thriving marriage is understanding and adapting to each other’s family backgrounds and personal habits. Talk about the habits you want to keep from your respective families and which you should change. Create a unique family culture of your own that you are proud of and agree with your spouse about. Remember, you don’t have to continue operating as you did in your family of origin!
Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind.
3. Manage expectations and assumptions
The final tip is to be slow to jump to assumptions and instead ask questions when something your spouse did or didn’t do causes discomfort.
Susie (married for 1 year) realised in her first month of marriage her quickness to make assumptions about her husband often led to unfounded conclusions.
For example, “If I were feeling down and my husband does not show concern, I quickly assume that he does not care about me. When he gets especially quiet, I assume that must be upset with me. In actual fact, these negative assumptions are not true.” Susie learned to voice her thoughts and ask her husband directly, instead of assuming her husband could read her mind. This proactive approach helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters better communication.
This is especially true and crucial for newlywedded couples who are living with their in-laws. Sharon shared, “You cannot expect your partner to understand and communicate with your parents on the same level that you do. There are bound to be misunderstandings on both sides, and you have to mitigate and also protect both sides.” Managing expectations of our spouses is so crucial to avoiding unnecessary conflicts that creates tensions and disharmony in the marriage.
By implementing these practical steps, newlyweds can navigate the first year of marriage more smoothly and build a strong foundation for the future.
Here are the key, actionable tips from my conversations with the 5 interviewees:
- Develop conflict resolution skills
- Mind non-verbal cues: Ensure your tone, body language, and facial expressions align with your words.
- Acknowledge family backgrounds: Recognise and discuss how your family of origin influences your judgments and interpretations.
- Avoid misplaced blame: Recognise if a victim mentality affects your perceptions and share how your spouse’s actions affect you.
- Be open to each other’s stories: Listen without judgment and extend empathy and compassion.
- Respect individual differences
- Normalise disagreements: Understand that disagreements are normal and not dealbreakers.
- Have honest conversations: Focus on honest discussions and pure intentions, even when views differ.
- Adapt to new habits and routines: Learn to give each other grace as you adapt to living together.
- Create a unique family culture: Discuss which habits from your respective families you want to keep or change, and agree on a new family culture you both are proud of and agreeable to.
- Manage expectations and assumptions
- Ask questions instead of assuming: When something your spouse does or doesn’t do causes discomfort, ask questions instead of making assumptions.
- Voice your thoughts: Share your feelings directly instead of expecting your spouse to read your mind.
- Manage expectations with in-laws: Recognise that misunderstandings with in-laws are normal and work to mitigate them by protecting each other.
*Some details and names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved.
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