Too much, too soon? 

I’ve been asked at least once by my parents whether I plan to have children when I’m of age, to which my answer is always: ‘I’ll deal with it later, need to study first.’  

Additionally, seeing big, bold headlines such as: ‘Birth Rates a Historic Low,’ year after year brings weight onto your shoulders. Especially when the onus is increasingly being thrust on you to save Singapore from the clutches of an ageing population. 

While I do find the idea of having a child fulfilling, my mind can easily conjure a myriad of ways I would not be ready for such an important step in my life.

Finding a life partner

Singaporean life finds ways to keep me busy. The academic guillotine that is A-levels leaves little legroom to kick back and think about finding that special someone. The adage goes: ‘Hold pen, not hold hand.’ After that comes National Service (NS), the infamous grim reaper of relationships. If you managed to secure a relationship, you might encounter what many NSmen face: Weekdays of paranoid yearning, and weekends of drop-dead exhaustion.  

By the time all of it is over, I will be a 21-year-old who will be clawing for a degree, managing an apartment, wrestling with the high cost of living and other things I could never have possibly foreseen when I was 17. 

However, I’ve heard of success stories that show it is possible to achieve the best of both worlds. Whether it be a dating couple making compromises and supporting each other through transitions such as NS, graduating, landing their first job, or a married couple finding time for their child and each other despite varying job commitments, it becomes evident that one can build a family without sacrificing growth.

It also helps to remind myself I’m still a young adult-in-progress; just because I feel incapable of raising a child today, doesn’t mean I will struggle forever. 

Am I capable enough? 

Even if things got sorted out in the relationship and commitment departments, there is always the persistent doubt about being solely responsible for raising a human being.  

To me, it seems irresponsible to bring a child into this world without the confidence that I can raise him or her to their fullest potential, and to become a person who can contribute something to the world. Thinking about the stress of our education system, housing, and job security is enough to make my head spin. 

That being said, raising a child isn’t just about dollars and cents. It’s also about the intrinsic joy of watching someone close to you grow, and cultivating something truly beyond ourselves. It also helps to remind myself I’m still a young adult-in-progress; just because I feel incapable of raising a child today, doesn’t mean I will struggle forever.  

For now, I’m taking my responsibility as a student seriously. And when the time is right, I hope to be able to tap on people close to me – whether it’s friends who have travelled further than me or a family member who is committed to my wellbeing – to ‘study’ and understand the roles and responsibilities of a parent like an A-level subject.

Parenthood offers as many, if not more, sacrifices and rewards as any other path. And aiming to have children over a high-paying career shouldn’t be stigmatised.

Family, success or both? 

Despite our culture slowly accepting that success comes in many forms, much of society still tends to put aside life goals that don’t immediately translate into material benefits. So, it’s no surprise that ‘married, with children’ is still seen as a cost rather than an opportunity, particularly for people in my generation. Many people set the scene of tired parents feeding their irate child while their friends have the time of their lives partying, working, or studying. 

Yet, even as I write this article, I’m reminded that one can, and should, balance both. Starting a family doesn’t mean you ‘miss out’ on what life has to offer, in fact it gives you a depth of perspective and experience, from which one might be able to enjoy life and ride through its challenges at another level – and with a personal ‘tribe’ that is connected by blood to learn and grow with.  

Maybe the experience might even change the lens through which I see and comprehend the world. Parenthood offers as many, if not more, sacrifices and rewards as any other path. And aiming to have children over a high-paying career shouldn’t be stigmatised any more than pursuing a passion rather than a corporate job. 

Career and family can converge

As a young person, it can sometimes feel like I am being pulled towards two diverging paths in life, but I must remember that opportunities and experiences are not the on-off switch that others make it out to be. These paths can converge, just perhaps not at the same pace as we think they should. 

It isn’t easy in today’s society, but with a boost from others who have gone before us and a dash of hope and optimism, we can balance our dreams with our desires to build a family. 

As for myself, I will wait for the harmonious marriage of love and ambition to take place within my lifetime and hope to enjoy all facets of what life has to offer. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.