How to Manage Toddler Tantrums Effectively
Learning and growing through mistakes
Published on 11 July, 2024
Two years of age is a very fun stage for children because their awareness begins to grow exponentially, be it of the environment or people around them. It is also the age where they start to try and exert their power. Their brains begin to develop rapidly: they pick up language quickly, start to recognise and remember things, can understand short and simple instructions and also have a billion questions.
At the same time, they also are lacking in impulse control and emotion regulation, resulting in some tension within them when things don’t go their way.
The most common behaviours they display at this age are usually tantrums and meltdowns. Due to the lack of maturity of their brain, they are still unable to process complicated emotions such as disappointment and anger.
They express these emotions in physical ways such as throwing things, screaming, whining, throwing themselves on the floor, hitting or even biting others. We should not condone these behaviours, but we should expect them.
There is a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Tantrums have a purpose, which is to achieve a certain goal like getting their parents to buy them a desired toy.
Meltdowns have more to do with sensory overload or overtiredness, where they lose control of themselves and require their parents to step in and soothe them. Therefore, the approach to managing these two behaviours would be very different.
Managing Tantrums
Toddlers are unable to rationalise as well as older children. They do not understand the reason they are not allowed to have their third ice-cream in a row or buy their fifth monster truck toy of the week. Their brains are unable to comprehend our explanation, which then leads to them expressing their unhappiness physically.
When it comes to tantrums, toddlers are triggered by our No’s, while we adults are triggered by their behaviours. We feel a sudden surge of anxiety, especially when they start screaming or throwing themselves on the floor in public places. We worry about their safety and how others will view us as parents.
This anxiety often causes us to want to stop the behaviour immediately so that we can move on from the situation and get out of the embarrassment, and we start giving in to them. However, we know that this is not a long-term solution.
Our goal is ultimately to impart values and skills that will lead to a healthy, thriving life. For example, using the ice-cream scenario, the value is: Having too much ice-cream can make them sick, hence they should not consume a third ice-cream.
A strategy we can adopt is giving them options. For example, you can say: “You already had two cups of ice-cream. It is unhealthy to eat three at one go and it can make you sick. I don’t want you to fall sick. I can get you another ice-cream the next time we visit this store, or would you like to eat something else?”
The priority is to help my child get through his disappointment or anger.
We also need to learn to manage our emotions in this short window of time as we manage theirs. We can do this by managing our expectations. Whenever I have to say “No” to my child, I anticipate his tantrum even before I speak to him.
This helps me be less anxious because I already know what is coming. I also need to consciously tell myself that the tantrum will pass, and the opinions of others do not matter.
The priority is to help my child get through his disappointment or anger. Sometimes, this means giving my child time and space to cry, thrash around, scream or vent in a safe space until he feels ready to move on.
In the meantime, we as parents can stay close and assure our children that we are still around for them. Undoubtedly, it is a draining process to wait till the storm passes, but we are teaching them that it is alright to express how they feel, and that we still love them. By modelling and allowing that space and calm, we are also demonstrating emotional regulation.
The quickest way to manage a meltdown is to help your children rest, be it giving them a bottle for comfort or carrying them to sleep in a dark and quiet room.
Managing Meltdowns
Meltdowns happen when children are in overdrive – usually sensorial in nature – and are unable to regulate themselves. It happens mostly when they are overtired and desperately need to rest or get some sleep.
The quickest way to manage a meltdown is to help your children rest, be it giving them a bottle for comfort or carrying them to sleep in a dark and quiet room.
When our children are at the brink of a meltdown, we begin to see signs such as excessive whining, not following routines and crying. While some of these behaviours may seem like a tantrum, we must not immediately assume so. We need to recognise what the child is feeling or has been through, so that we are able to better judge how to manage the situation.
Back in my child’s earlier toddler days, I often confused meltdowns with tantrums, so I dealt with his meltdown as if it was a tantrum. It made things worse for both of us. It was only slightly later that I begin to consider carefully what my child might be going through and dealt with it accordingly.
When managing a meltdown, I had to prioritise some of the routines and skip the rest. The sooner my child can rest, the better he will feel. There were days when he had to skip his shower and just have a wipe-down because it was too much for him to go through the entire showering process. The good news is, he resets himself after a good night’s sleep!
Managing Self
Tantrums and meltdowns are two situations that often cause the most distress to parents. Emotions run high for both parent and child and sometimes we simply cannot deal with all the emotions and explode in anger or frustration. This is a common sight for parents with toddlers.
There is also a lot of guilt because we think that we should have managed ourselves better being the adult. However, we also need to recognise that we are just as human as our toddlers are and go easy on ourselves.
Self-care is important for parents, especially so in this season, because it is emotionally taxing on us to manage their emotions while keeping ours in check. Regular self-care like taking a short time-out allows us the safe space to validate what we are feeling and care for ourselves as a person, not a parent. It fills us up, albeit only a little, and help us to last the long haul.
By being aware of our own triggers, we can come up with strategies to cope with these tough situations even before we encounter them.
Navigating toddlerhood is a marathon, and self-care is a pit-stop where we parents can catch a breather before we carry on running. We need consistent and regular pit-stops to help us last the long haul without burning out.
Self-awareness is another factor that helps us succeed in managing toddlers. By being aware of our own triggers, we can come up with strategies to cope with these tough situations even before we encounter them.
I am especially triggered by whining, which makes it difficult for me as my toddler kept whining during tantrums and meltdowns. Since I became aware of this, I pre-empted myself that whining is an expected behaviour for their age since they are unable to communicate what they think or feel effectively.
I practised calming exercises such as taking deep breaths and repeating grounding statements to myself such as “This behaviour will pass, they are just trying to communicate their wants.” I find that these help to soothe my anxiety and enable me to respond in a calmer manner to my child.
Managing toddlers can be very challenging on all fronts; it is a journey that requires much patience and intentionality. As we learn to manage them, we also need to remember to show grace and kindness to ourselves and allow ourselves to grow through mistakes. You are doing well, keep going!
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