Published on 02 June, 2025
It was one of those days again. The kids were sick mid-semester.Â
Since my wife is a teacher, it often falls to me to skip classes and care for them during school terms. The responsibilities felt relentless—juggling parenting, work, and studies.Â
These moments added to the mounting stress and overwhelm. Â
Resentment started bubbling up.Â
I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this really fair?Â
When life doesn’t feel “fair,” how do we respond constructively—without letting bitterness take root?
Over the years, I’ve gained some perspectives that have helped us strike a better balance and navigate these challenging moments:  Â
There will be times when your spouse isn’t available to share the load. In those moments, it can feel like you’re keeping everything afloat alone.Â
Pause and remind yourself: Your reaction is normal.Â
It doesn’t mean you’re inadequate, nor does it signal a lack of love or commitment from your spouse.Â
In times like these, it is important to practise mindful self-compassion. Â
If it’s been a particularly stressful day, take some time to notice how your body is reacting, acknowledge what you’re experiencing, and appreciate yourself for getting through it. Â
For instance, in my earlier example, I may have noticed myself becoming more light-headed and more fatigued. In such moments, I could pause and offer myself self-compassionate reminders:Â
“I’ve been doing my best to put my family first. I am feeling tired, and perhaps unappreciated for the sacrifices I’ve made – putting urgent work aside to care for my children. Even though they may not fully understand what I’ve given up to be here, my efforts today are an investment in the lasting bonds that we’re building together.”Â
Such reminders are a useful way to reframe negative, unhealthy thoughts into more constructive ones, helping us to transform moments of resentment into grace. Being our own best cheerleader, extending grace to ourselves even when we don’t meet our expectations, strengthens our emotional resilience.Â
Continually noticing and reflecting on our spouse’s contributions to the family is equally important in tough times, when it can be difficult to acknowledge their effort and good qualities in the heat of the moment. Â
Having a balanced view can help shift our perspective from harbouring resentment towards viewing our spouse as an equal team mate in the journey of marriage. Â
Personally, when I reflect on my wife’s contributions, I’m often humbled. Â
She has frequently balanced full-time work while planning and preparing meals, given up sleep countless times to care for our children, shouldered the significant mental load of managing our household, and attentively supported our children’s learning and development. Â
By putting on a lens of grace, I’m able to see and appreciate the countless contributions of my spouse. Â
The purpose of recalling our spouse’s contributions is not to invite unhealthy comparisons—after all, each of us brings unique strengths to our family. Rather, it is about drawing inspiration from our spouse’s example—to keep giving sacrificially and remaining open to growth, both in times of peace and in seasons of challenge. Â
And indeed, reflecting on my wife’s sacrifices for the family fills me with deep gratitude and motivates me to continue giving my best for them. Â
Marriage isn’t built on silence—it’s built on shared understanding.Â
Marriage thrives when both spouses can engage in honest, open conversations about their needs. Â
Not every discussion has to be weighty; sometimes it’s as simple as gentle reminders about chores or being proactive about helping out at home. But when it comes to the load being shared between spouses, it’s essential that both parties approach these conversations with mutual respect and a shared commitment to finding practical, meaningful solutions together.Â
As someone who has struggled with conflict avoidance, I’ve learned that it’s far healthier to share my concerns with my wife than to sweep them under the carpet. Â
While it’s important to show grace and occasionally overlook our spouse’s mistakes, whenever I bottled up important issues, I found these inevitably spilling out later—often in unpleasant ways, such as through my grouchiness or irritability. Â
But when I began asking for my wife’s help with the home during stressful moments, she responded well. Bringing these blind spots to light enabled her to better understand my needs and make the necessary adjustments. Â
We often expect a perfect split of responsibilities, but that’s rarely realistic.Â
What’s worked better for us is this: Both spouses aim to give 60%.Â
When we each strive to give more than our fair share, we create space for generosity, not scorekeeping.Â
That’s the heart of teamwork.Â
When marriage is rooted in service, grace, and care, both spouses thrive.Â
Not every season will feel equal. But the strength of your commitment will carry you—because you’re not keeping count. Â
This makes it easier for both partners to feel refreshed, fulfilled, and ready to embrace life’s adventure together. Â
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