Published on 04 September, 2025
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
Exam stresses can be distressing, both for kids and parents. However, since stress is something that everyone experiences regardless of life stage, learning to de-stress our stressors is a vital skill to develop.
For our schooling children, exam stress could be an unlikely opportunity to grow in emotional regulation skills that will aid them through life. Likewise, for us parents, managing our own stress when our kids are going through exams can also strengthen us.
Mother of two Jasmine Lu, who is also a parent-coach specialising in emotional intelligence, quoted litigator Maureen Killoran – “She once said stress is not what happens to us, it’s our response to what happens”.
As we reframe ourselves out of a victim mindset that stress is something uncontrollable that just happens to me, we gain emotional strength to control our responses.
When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why.
In parenting our children when stressed, we must also be self-aware. Citing a case where a parent Jasmine was coaching was very concerned about her daughter taking the national exams, she found out that the parent was herself an English teacher and carried the stress that if her child should fail the English test, it would reflect badly on herself.
“When she shared that, it became clearer that actually it was her own fears of what people might say,” said Jasmine, who also runs a podcast for parents called The Eq-xperimental Parent.
When our kids’ stressors also trigger us, we should seek to understand why and choose to work on ourselves so we don’t impose the feelings of stress on our children.
“We have to remind ourselves our children are like sponges. They absorb everything that we project on them and they ‘squeeze it out’ by reflecting it… It’s our own securities, our own fears that they are absorbing, and they’re going to learn which will form patterns and become their default stress coping techniques,” she said.
The first step to getting a handle on your emotions is to identify it. Here is a free exam prep cheat sheet for parents and kids to manage exam stress well.
Our thoughts, feelings and actions are all interlinked. If we want our kids to take certain actions, we must guide their thoughts and feelings as well.
Jasmine defined high emotional quotient (EQ) as “being intelligent with your emotions” which requires “very high self-awareness” and will also help you “read the mood of the room, showing empathy and relationship management”.
How do we use high EQ to help our children manage exam stress? Well, the first step to getting a handle of your emotions is to identify it.
“We call it ‘name it to tame it’. So, if you are able to name your emotion, it’s been scientifically backed that you’re more likely able to tame that emotion because… you’re actually engaging your logical brain to be back in control,” shared Jasmine. She added that naming the emotion also sends your brain the signal that you understand what is going on, which helps reduce the intensity of neurochemicals it creates.
So helping your kids name their feelings is a huge first step. Since the pre-frontal cortex that controls their logical reasoning is yet to be fully developed, it is only in co-regulation that they will learn emotional regulating skills.
To aid our children in developing their emotional literacy and coping skills, avoid questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, ask open-ended questions and don’t rush to prescribe an answer. Allow them to feel and sit in their feelings.
“This is about their feelings, so it should be about them. So, the way we talk to them should open up conversations about how they feel, and not become like a whole sharing session about oh, in my time that’s how I did it,” she cautioned.
Be genuinely curious about what’s going on in their world and don’t be afraid if they take a while to find the words to express themselves. Every child is different, so while one may pour out their feelings, another may not, and you would need to read their body language instead. Whichever way, if you can learn to hold space for them, it helps them learn that you genuinely want to know more.
For a growth mindset and resilient outlook, Jasmine shares a framework that she uses in her own coaching:
C – Categorise your emotions
What am I feeling? Name it to tame it. Is it just sadness? Or is it disappointment?
A – Appraise your emotions
What is this emotion trying to tell me? Is my sadness making me feel hopeless? Is there a sense of despair because I feel stuck? Do I feel like I am a failure because I find this hard?
L – Look for options
What can I do to change these emotions? In a growth mindset, you can avoid feeling trapped and powerless by learning to adapt during difficult situations. Help your children anchor themselves back on certain truths, like remembering they are valued regardless of their results.
M – Move
What can I do to move my child or myself out of this situation? Come up with a plan to take bite-sized practical steps away from the heaviness of the emotions. Small in-the-moment actions like learning not to focus on the mountain of exams, but just on that day’s learning can be very liberating. You may have to brainstorm for bigger long-term plans like schedule changes for your children and help them identify rewards that can help them stay on track in a happier manner.
Like everything worth doing, there will be highs and lows in your journey as a parent helping your child de-stress. Take heart and stay adaptable with a growth mindset, and always make sure your children know how they are valued as themselves, not for their results. What you do now with exam stress matters for them as the budding young men and women they are growing into!
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
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