Published on 21 March, 2025
Conflict in any relationship is common and inevitable; yet it can be one of the trickiest things to handle. Conflicts can either make or break a relationship, especially in marriage. Learning to deal with conflicts in a healthy manner is essential for safeguarding a marriage and building strong, lasting bonds.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, has found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, as it erodes the foundation of respect and affection necessary for a healthy marriage. It’s the repeated inability to heal and repair from conflicts that grows resentment in one’s heart, eventually leading to contempt for your spouse.
So… What can we do when the conflicts seem insurmountable? Here are some practical tips and handles from Rhezya and Edward, a couple who has only been married for seven years but have been intentional in not allowing their conflicts to get the better of them.
These differences are a part of the person we chose to marry, and we need to learn to accept the person entirely, and see that these differences complement the marriage.
One of the terms Rheyza and Edward frequently used was “one team”, describing how they are on the same team even during a conflict. This mindset helped them remember that their ultimate goal was to strengthen their relationship, not to win an argument. In the words of Rheyza, “We need to be a team and if we don’t communicate, if we don’t try to find a win-win between the two of us, how else can we face other challenges together?”
It is essential for both spouses to acknowledge that differences will arise in a marriage and will cause friction. After all, each person has unique upbringings, personalities, and perspectives. Embracing these differences is crucial for a healthy marriage.
These differences are a part of the person we chose to marry, and we need to learn to accept the person entirely, and see that these differences complement the marriage. By embracing them, we can see how they bring unique strengths and perspectives to the relationship, ultimately making the marriage more balanced and complete.
During a conflict, we are always eager to get our point across (sometimes in a bid to prove ourselves right). Words fly faster than we can think and process. Taking time to slow down, listen, and process what the other party is actually saying requires intentional effort.
I once heard a quote, “Listen to respond, not react,” that resonated very well with me, especially during a conflict with my husband. Often, we do not give each other enough space to fully convey what’s on our minds. We are quick to think of a reply to counter what was shared. Over time, we may lose the essence of what we are even fighting over.
Edward said that in times like these, our emotions can take over, and he “tries really hard to be mindful and not generalise when angry or upset.”
One point highlighted in Rhezya and Edward’s sharing was how they were intentional in asking clarifying questions instead of assuming what each other was trying to say. “When he asks me questions, he’s not against me. It’s not an attacking question; it’s a clarifying question,” said Rhezya. This approach gave them the space to explain more, allowing them to understand where each other was coming from. This approach also helped to disarm any threat the other spouse might feel amid the conversation.
This paved the way in resolving the root cause of their conflict and helped them grow closer as a couple. When practised consistently, active listening can help couples grow in their intimacy with each other.
When we allow each other to express themselves genuinely, withholding critical judgment, we give ourselves the space to be vulnerable.
Edward mentioned that creating a safe space for his spouse to share was an important realisation, where “creating that safety, that space and being consistent [is key]”. One of the fundamental building blocks of a strong marriage is trust, and marriage thrives on a strong foundation of trust. One of the main ways to build and keep trust is by creating a safe space for each other.
Rheyza says the key to building that trust and openness is to bring up her thoughts and points… and for Edward to trust that these are not to attack him.
Sharing vulnerably prevents walls from building up in a marriage, as Rheyza adds that “if [I] don’t bring this up, we are not going to grow together and it might even drive us apart.” When we allow each other to express themselves genuinely, withholding critical judgment, we give ourselves the space to be vulnerable.
We are only vulnerable with the people we trust because we know they won’t use our sharing against us. Our hearts matter, and we don’t want to expose them to people who might not handle them with care.
Similarly, when we want to confront an issue in our marriage, we need to create a safe space so that we allow each other to share freely. However, tension arises when what is shared does not sit comfortably with us, be it our spouse’s feelings or what they are bothered by. Our ability to hold this tension will affect the depth of trust we build in each other and in the relationship.
Kindness during a conflict can look like extending forgiveness and grace to each other, encouraging each other that we are all on a learning journey.
Kindness is a familiar value that our parents inculcate in us from a young age; we should already know how to be kind to others as adults. The irony is that we do not extend the same kindness to people who are most familiar to us. For example, we can be kind to our friends but struggle to show the same kindness to our parents.
As we grow closer to our spouse in our marriage, it can be easy to take them for granted, and forget to consistently extend kindness to each other.
Kindness during a conflict can look like extending forgiveness and grace to each other, encouraging each other that we are all on a learning journey. In the words of Edward, “Seek first to understand and then seek to respond. But when you do so, respond kindly.”
Kindness is an expression of love, especially during a conflict. It shows that we prize the person over the matter. Edward quipped, “Kindness is underrated, people do not understand how important it is even in in familiar relationships… we forget to be kind to ourselves and to each other.” When we take time to work on our conflict resolution skills, we will be able to taste the sweet fruits of our marriage down the road. We enjoy intimacy at a deeper level, and our marriage becomes our unshakable fortress.
