Published on 26 October, 2025
What is the key ingredient for a strong marriage? Some may say a strong marriage is one with vulnerability. After all, the strength of the marriage bond rests on intimacy, and being able to be open and honest with one’s thoughts and feelings is an important part of that. However, I would take it one step further and say that what truly builds a lasting marriage is healthy vulnerability.
In my experience, both in my marriage and through observing others, I have seen how vulnerability can be mishandled, deepening the wounds and distance between two spouses. Yet, when practised with wisdom and care, vulnerability can transform marriages through deep, healthy, and authentic connection. The following are lessons I’ve learned that have helped me cultivate healthy vulnerability built on trust and grace.
Vulnerability can be daunting, not only for the person baring their soul, but also for the listener. There are days when we feel too exhausted from work and parenting to listen well. On other days, it is hard to connect because the subject is about how we could have done better.
Listening attentively can be emotionally taxing, yet being present is one of the best acts of love we can give to our loved ones. What has helped me is to realise that it is often a privilege to hear about my wife’s feelings, fears, and feedback. As her husband, I am in the unique position of being the person she can confide in most deeply.
Over time, I have learnt the power of saying, “Thank you for telling me that” after each hard conversation. Each exchange reveals something I would otherwise might never have known about her or us. This gives her the courage to be herself, and gives me the opportunity to learn and grow.
Of course, not every heartfelt conversation is a difficult one, and when my wife shares her deeper thoughts on other subjects, I take it as an opportunity to discover more of who she is.
It may be easier to advocate for vulnerability in principle, but far more challenging to live it out. Just as marriage requires both spouses to be engaged in continual give-and-take in areas like daily habits, parenting responsibilities, or career, the same goes for the sharing of each other’s hearts.
It can be draining when one party is constantly giving emotional energy through offering their presence and listening ear without receiving the same openness in return. It is a good practice to be mindful of how much “air time” we’ve taken, and invite our spouse a chance to share what’s on their mind. Even if they usually decline – as many introverts do at the end of a long day – they will still appreciate having the freedom of choosing whether to open up, or rest and decompress.
Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care.
On that note, vulnerability is expressed not just through our words, but also through our silence. It is just as important for a spouse to be allowed silence as it is to allow speech! As an introvert myself, I am always appreciative of the times my wife gives me the space to unwind alone, even if she might have something to share. These acts of grace help me to recharge and return more present – as a husband and a father.
Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be exercised with wisdom and care. A key ethic in moments of vulnerability is to speak the truth in love. Being honest with our negative feelings, especially if they are towards our spouse or their significant relationships (such as in-laws), does not entitle us to brutal honesty and personal attacks.
When sharing pain arising from marriage, focus on articulating feelings and specific behaviours, and avoid making sweeping statements. For example, “When you look at your phone during our conversations, I feel ignored,” opens the door to understanding far better than, “You are always ignoring me when I try to talk to you – You don’t love me enough!” While the latter may feel truer in the moment, it tends to amplify the negative and raise defensiveness in both partners. It is also important to maintain our spouse’s dignity and ensure such conversations are held in private, unless there is an agreement to involve a trusted third party like a counsellor.
Give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.
Listeners can also apply appropriate ethics, such as withholding judgment, resisting defensiveness, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Trust that your spouse means well and that he or she is intending to be open and honest with you.
Remember also to continually check your expectations of your spouse. It takes humility to accept that certain expectations are shaped more by culture and society more than by genuine needs, such as the assumption of gender roles in the home. Hence, give your spouse space to share their struggles, needs, and aspirations, and build a shared understanding of life that fits your family rather than conforming to cultural or societal moulds.
One of the pivotal moments in our marriage was when I tearfully shared my struggles during a challenging season of my career. That day, others may have silently judged, but my wife embraced, comforted, and assured me. Despite the uncertainty and challenges lying ahead of us, we forged a way forward in full support of one another.
I share this story to affirm vulnerability in marriage, lest readers think I am discouraging it through the points made. That day, I was at my most vulnerable with my wife, and it became a precious moment built upon years of mutual giving, acceptance, grace, and forgiveness. Though we took a less conventional path career wise in the years that followed, those years were filled with greater joy as we were freer to live more authentically than before.
My encouragement to every couple is to strive for a healthy vulnerability in your marriage. You might just be surprised by the depth of connection, freedom, and richness that follows when love and honesty go hand in hand.
