When a marriage breaks up, many shared hopes and dreams end abruptly as well. Yet for children affected by divorce, the need for love, protection, and guidance from both parents remains unchanged. While your role as a spouse may have concluded, your role as a parent continues. Co-parenting, for the sake of your children’s well-being, is a commitment that deserves ongoing effort.

Putting aside personal pain 

For Ethan*, whose marriage ended just before Covid, the gamut of emotions ran from fear to doubt. However, instead of withdrawing, he focused on staying present for his son. 
 
“What’s best for my son?” was the biggest question on Ethan’s and his wife’s mind as they finalised the divorce. Being able to move pass themselves to thinking about their son helped create a common goal for them to work towards.  
 
Ethan shared that both sides of the family are still on good terms with each other despite the differences that resulted in the divorce. This means that no bad-mouthing gets in the way of the shared goal of creating for a safe environment for their son.  
 
Love for the family can still flourish, “even if the family looks different now”, said Ethan.  
 
This protects your child’s wellbeing since it is difficult for them to listen to criticism about the parents they love. If you speak ill of your ex-spouse, it creates confusion and strife for your child who would struggle to understand why one parent speaks harshly about the other. Your child may also feel like they must choose one or protect another. It can be very stressful and is not something any child should have to attempt.  
 
Even if your ex-spouse has new romantic interests, your role is to “face these moments with maturity and resilience” instead of transferring your opinions and emotions to your child. 
 
Community is also a powerful game-changer. After all, parenting as a married couple can already feel all-consuming – balancing work, home responsibilities and meeting emotional, educational and daily needs of our children. For single parents, doing all this alone can be overwhelming.  
 
Having family members who are willing to share in caregiving or simply be part of your village makes a big difference. The right village not only supports the child but also encourages the adult. Divorce can feel isolating and even shameful but having people who love you and your child brings immense comfort.   

Working out a consistent plan

Children thrive on structure because it creates a consistent routine, helping them feel safe and secure. 

Determining a schedule with your ex-spouse makes allocated time with your child clear for everyone. Sticking to previously agreed upon timings and responsibilities is also important for trust to be built and sustained.  

These moments of being together and showing mutual respect send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent. 

Adjusting to life with two homes can be challenging for your child, and seeing one parent move out is already a big change. Support them through this transition by clearly communicating clearly which days they’ll spend with Mum and which with Dad.  

While things may look different, practical timetables combined with frequent reminders that they are still as much loved and wanted will provide the emotional stability they need. 

There will be occasions, such as graduations or performances, where both parents should be present to support your child. These moments of being together and showing mutual respect  

send a powerful message to your child that you still love them, and that you place their well-being above your own history with their other parent.   

In day-to-day life, having a schedule also means setting consistent wake-up and bedtime routines, meal times, and homework periods. While it can be challenging to keep these aligned across two separate homes, maintaining a similar pattern does make a difference especially for younger children. 

Having consistent plans provides a sense of stability not just for your children, but also creates a predictable rhythm for you, helping you stay productive and also seek self-care. Activities such as going for counselling, taking up a new hobby, or pursuing new learning endeavours can be helpful to support your personal healing and growth. 

 Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. 

Partnering in communication  

Since co-parenting means each parent only has full oversight of your child on the days he or she is with you, communicating well is essential for successful co-parenting.  

While it can be easy to let your child be the “messenger” and communicate to your ex-spouse through them, carrying this role not only can create misunderstandings but put undue stress on the child to be the middleman. 

Meeting emotional needs requires strong communication and commitment from both parents. A child’s emotional development evolves from early childhood through primary school, the tween years and into adolescence. Health issues, behaviour that need correction, funny moments and milestones should ideally be shared knowledge. 

Without good communication, it is possible to miss emotional changes and signs of stress in our children. For older kids, they may also learn how to hide certain negative habits or incidents from parents to avoid worrying them or being disciplined.  

Sudden changes in appearance, mood and reluctance to go to school are all red flags that need to be communicated.  

Ethan cited that for him and his ex-wife, being able to communicate well helps them navigate times when there are differing opinions. For example, when they disagreed on their son’s extra-curriculum classes, they reached a compromise by adopting a “give and take” approach. Likewise, when it comes to finances, having clearly defined responsibilities helps reduce stress in co-parenting.  

Though divorce and co-parenting may have never crossed your mind before it happened, it is still possible to co-parent well. Doing so will help in creating a safe place for your children to thrive.   

“Interestingly, you’d think that after a divorce, things become more complicated. But when both parents truly put the child first, it can actually become simpler — not easy, but simpler. It’s about communicating better, understanding that our son is growing up in two different environments, and learning to be adaptable and patient with that,” shared Ethan.  

* The interviewee’s name has been changed for privacy