Resource Type: Articles

What Scolding Really Does to Your Child

Chris* will always remember his childhood experience with broccoli. Since he was young, he had always had a distinct dislike for that green vegetable. Perhaps it was the softness of the florets or the peculiar shade of green. Whatever the reason, he had never liked the vegetable, and had always avoided it when his parents gave it to him. When he was three, his parents divorced and his father remarried, and Chris went to live with his stepmother. That change in his life all but sealed his experience with broccoli.

Twenty years later, in the comfort of the counselling room, Chris shared with me that his stepmother took it upon herself to “cure” his disdain for broccoli and all things green. Whenever Chris refused to eat his vegetables, she would scold him in a loud voice, and if he still persisted, she would carry his high chair (with him in it), and place him outside the main door. There he would sit until he either finished his vegetables, or if he got so tired that he fell asleep in his high chair without finishing his food.

“It was the worst period of my life,” he recounted.

To limit the spread of COVID-19, many working parents are now working from home. With students doing home-based learning, our school-going kids are home at the very same time we are figuring out this new work arrangement. Distractions and interruptions can come more easily, potentially impacting our productiveness.

As you work towards a new norm with work and family life, consider how these 6 Rs could help you create a more successful and less stressful environment for everyone in the family!

Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.

According to American educator and author John Bradshaw, every child has feelings, needs and desires, and that if a parent cannot affirm these aspects of a child, he or she rejects the child’s “authentic self”. In his seminal book, “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, he talks about the impact of a parent’s rejection on a child, especially if this leads to shame. According to Bradshaw, shaming makes the child believe that he or she is wrong for feeling, desiring or needing something.

In Chris’ case, the stepmother was rejecting his feelings of disdain for broccoli. By first scolding him, and then carrying the high chair outside the house, his stepmother was entrenching the notion that it is wrong to feel disdain.

This was buttressed by the deeper feelings of rejection that Chris might have felt by other onlookers who passed by the house. Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.

Bradshaw calls this the shame identity; according to him, individuals who have been shamed on numerous occasions take on a persona of worthlessness and defectiveness.

Does this mean that we should stop scolding our children entirely? Especially since it would seem that scolding our children could lead to the development of a shame identity?

As a parent, a number of principles have guided the way I discipline my children:

1. Establishing Loving Boundaries

A friend once shared with me the concept that children are “persons-in-training”. I like this perspective very much and have adopted this paradigm when I guide my kids. Based on this view that my children are still-developing and ever-learning individuals, I work hard to establish clear and loving boundaries regarding is allowed or not allowed in my household.

For instance, screen-time is kept constant each day, and my 10 and 8-year-old sons are allowed no more than half an hour each in the afternoons after they finish their homework.

The boys are aware of this rule and while they may ask for more screen-time, they know that our stance on this is clear; they will not get any additional time, even if they beg, persuade or cajole us.

Through this process, the children learn the importance of boundaries; that they are there to keep the bad out and keep the good in.

2. Seeking to Understand

Children act up for a reason, and oftentimes it stems from their basic needs – they could be hungry, thirsty, tired, or emotionally overwhelmed. When we understand the reason why they throw a tantrum, we can anticipate and manage the situation better. For instance, large party gatherings could be a sensorial nightmare for the kids, and while they may enjoy the excitement of being in a crowd of friends, the environment might cause them to get emotionally overwhelmed.

As such, leaving the gathering just a little earlier (or later) could help to reduce the likelihood of any potential tantrum. Understanding leads to empathy, and we are then less likely to get upset with our children when we know that they are not misbehaving on purpose, but are instead communicating a physical or emotional need.

3. Removing and Replacing

We often share in our workshops that one way of managing our children’s emotions is to remove the negative behaviour and replace it with an action that is more socially acceptable. For instance, if the child is likely to hit another person when he or she is feeling anxious or stressed, it might be helpful to provide a tactile fidget that serves as a replacement object for the child to express his or her emotions.

Using such a replacement strategy, we can change our children’s negative behaviours to more acceptable ones.

It has taken many months of counselling to help Chris deal with the numerous issues associated with scolding and toxic shame. Over time he has learnt to deal with the years of pain that he had experienced through his difficult family situation.

But till today, he still refuses to eat broccoli.

*The names and identities in this article have been changed to protect their confidentiality.

 

Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 10 and 8.

Pornography was a Symptom of My Strained Marriage

Focus on the Family Singapore interviewed Christine and Joel (not their real names) about their difficult journey through first discovering Joel’s porn addiction, and then recovering from it. Here is Christine’s account.

Q: What was your marriage like before you discovered your husband’s porn addiction?

A: At the time I discovered the addiction, we were quite distant. I worked full time, and when I got home, my full attention was on the children. I think we had grown apart without realising it.

Joel was working part-time then since our children were 3.5 and 1.5 years old at that time. It was equally challenging for him as they were constantly falling ill.

We were so exhausted by the end of each day that we had little to say to one another. Being introverts, we both needed our own quiet moments. I stayed up and busied myself with my hobbies and online shopping, while he was doing his work or playing computer games.

Sex was the elephant in the room that we totally ignored.

Q: What were some of the issues you faced?

A: We lacked physical intimacy, given the limited energy and time we had.

But I think the lack of physical intimacy is often symptomatic of deeper issues.

    • Lack of connection in our communication:
      We communicated but it was often at the level needed for survival, such as I need you to pick up some groceries, or one kid needs to see a doctor. There were no deep conversations about our feelings or our needs. We were in the trenches of parenthood, and to a certain extent, it was every individual for himself.
    • Joel’s fear of rejection:
      We never talked about the need to be intimate. I didn’t want to, given the exhaustion. But I had always taken a pastor’s advice to heart (i.e., never reject the other party). But Joel never asked, perhaps due to fear that he would be rejected, or that I would find the act unenjoyable. Since he didn’t ask, I kept quiet too. Sex was the elephant in the room that we totally ignored.
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    • Unspoken resentment:
      I resented having to go to work, while my husband was on part-time. We had discussed it to death and agreed that the children needed at least one parent to be around during their formative years. The nature of my work was better suited to a full-time arrangement. His job, however, often took him away from the home for long hours, and sometimes weekends. Hence a part-time arrangement for him seemed to work well.

      However, I struggled with mum guilt immensely. I missed my children, and would often feel jealous when my son seemed closer to my helper than me.

      Looking back, I think the resentment grew because we never had a chance to talk things out. To assuage the mum guilt, I turned to online shopping instead of pouring my heart out to my husband, or asking him to pray for me. I kept quiet about the mental load because I didn’t have the energy to quarrel about it. At that time, we had not come to a place in our marriage where we could argue without drama and rage.

I did not know whether I could trust anything he had promised me, or said to me, anymore.

Q: How did the discovery about his addiction make you feel?

A: I contemplated broaching the topic of divorce, but I knew that I was contemplating it only because it would hurt him. In my anger, I wanted to hurt him in the same way I had been hurt.

But even in the midst of these thoughts, I felt God speaking to me.

As I was mindlessly surfing the internet on my phone, hoping to find something to distract me from the pain, God said, “He’s addicted to porn, you’re addicted to online shopping and a whole host of things that numb your guilt and frustration. Are you any better than he is?”

A few hours after the discovery, I was still raging and angry. He was broken and contrite but I was not ready to forgive so easily. We were still not connecting as we tried to pick up the pieces. I called up a couple whom I trusted in our church, and they came over and counselled us.

It took a long while, but the night ended with Joel agreeing to be held accountable. I was still angry, but I accepted that I too had a part to play—by failing to connect with him and meet his needs.

One episode from that night stands out for me. Joel was trying to explain why he did not want to initiate sex with me. I remember cutting in and insisting that I did not understand. The older couple stopped me and told me that I needed to learn to hear Joel’s unspoken cry. It is not just about his words, but what lay beneath them. If I do not learn to hear it now, it would be a similar struggle to understand my kids.

Q: How did you emerge from the episode?

A: It took me quite a while to find that secure familiarity again. I remember heading out for breakfast with him the next morning and feeling as if I were walking next to a complete stranger.

Over the next few days and weeks, I fasted from my phone and computer and spent time in reflection and prayer. I realised that I needed to change. I was off-centre, and I was not dealing with my mum guilt and resentment. The result was that I no longer knew who I was, and I was constantly looking for quick, instantaneous solutions. It also made me extremely self-centred. As a result, I was no longer interested in connecting with my husband, or even hearing what his needs were.

I recall repeating the words of this hymn during that season of healing:

When love is tried
    as loved-ones change,
hold still to hope,
    though all seems strange,
till ease returns
    and love grows wise
through listening ears
    and opened eyes.

When love is torn,
    and trust betrayed,
pray strength to love
    till torments fade,
till lovers keep
    no score of wrong,
but hear through pain
    love’s Easter song.

We look back on that episode now and agree that it was one of the defining moments of our marriage. It was a wake-up call for us to work on our marriage NOW and not assume that there would be something there for us to work on, after the children are grown.

I am also convinced that when we hold fast to the marriage, and work through the pain of betrayal and hurt, our love matures. It transforms into a love that runs deeper because you learn to say that I will love this person no matter how strange he has become, or how much pain he has brought me.

It was a wake-up call for us to work on our marriage now and not assume that there would be something there for us to work on, after the children are grown.

Q: You’ve talked about hearing his unspoken cry. Have you heard more of what he is trying to say since then?

A: I hope so! I don’t profess to hear his unspoken cry all the time. But it is a reminder to me when we have our arguments, to slow down, and not just allow my emotions to take over.

It has become a guiding principle for me whenever my children come to me, and attempt to tell me something. There is something restorative about listening to what lies beneath all that emotion, and reflecting it back to the person. I see it at work when I help my children articulate their feelings. They look at me, grateful to be understood, and it helps them on the journey back to security.

Q: What do you and your husband do together to strengthen your marriage?

A: We walk a lot. Walking helps us open up and talk to each other. So we take long walks, which creates a space to share about the deeper issues that matter to us.

We’ve also cultivated the habit of sharing our devotions with each other. It could be a verse from our reading, and is sometimes as short as 1 sentence. We also pray together every night and make it a point to chat before we go to bed. These small changes have helped us to grow closer.

Take action:

    • If you need help resolving difficult issues in your marriage, speak to one of our counsellors today.

Marriage is hard work, but it is worth it. Download a free guide “How to Date Your Spouse Again” for practical ideas to date your spouse.  — only at Celebrate Marriage.

Surviving the Teenage Transition

“I don’t know what to do with him! He used to be my little boy, and he would come to my room every day to tell me what he does in school. Nowadays he doesn’t even want to eat dinner with us. It’s the phone. He takes the phone and goes into the room and closes the door. I don’t know if my son is even the same person anymore!”

When she came to my counselling room, Mrs Chan* was an emotional wreck. She talked non-stop about how her 14-year-old son Jeremy* spent hours on end playing Internet games. And it affected him so much that all his grades suffered.

Jeremy no longer had a desire to do anything other than play games, and even when the family went on a recent trip to Australia, he was on the phone for most of their car journeys, and even bugged them to return to the hotel room early so he could get back to his games.

On the surface, Jeremy’s issues centre around gaming addiction. And I have referred him to a centre known for their work in this area. However, there are also deeper issues that stem from his parents’ lack of understanding on how to manage their children as they negotiate the difficult transition from being a tween to a teen.

Human development theorist Erik Erikson identified 8 stages of psychosocial development that all individuals go through. The 4th Stage, “Industry vs. Inferiority”, occurs during childhood (from 5 to 12 years old). During this stage, children begin to do things on their own and their peer group starts to gain greater significance.

As children move into the 5th Stage between the ages of 12 to 18 – Erikson described it as a tension between “Identity vs. Role Confusion” – they become more independent, and begin to look at the future in areas such as relationships with families and friends.

There are also deeper issues that stem from his parents’ lack of understanding on how to manage their children.

This is a crucial stage where the child learns the roles he will occupy as an adult. There is a heavy emphasis on identity and on discovering exactly who he or she is. Successful development leads to a strong sense of identity, while inadequacies result in a poor self-image and role confusion.

To help children manage this difficult transition between stages 4 and 5, parents need to support their child in negotiating the complex issues of peer influence, relationships and identity.

1. Help Them Manage Peer Influence

Friends are a major influence on a child’s life. And the process apparently starts during the pre-school years. I happened to be outside a childcare centre one evening after they had organised a Christmas party. I observed a girl who was dressed in a lovely princess dress. As the child was picked up by her father, one of the other mothers made a comment, “Quite pretty. But I think my girl’s dress is nicer.” It dawned on me then that sometimes the competition between children stems from their parents.

Some years back, my niece told me that she was the only one in her Primary 2 class without a handphone. She was in a top school, and it seemed like everyone in her class had the latest phone. But her parents refused to give her a phone. Though her classmates had made fun of her then, my niece refused to bow to peer pressure. I think it’s because she understood the reasons why her parents did not want her to bring a phone to school.

When our children understand the purpose behind us making certain decisions, and imbibe the underlying values, they are in a better position to stand up against peer pressure.

2. Model Healthy Relationships

Like peer pressure, a child’s notions of relationship are largely formed when they interact with their friends in pre-school and in primary school. Sometimes, an unintended consequence of adult teasing is that children begin to believe that boys and girls cannot be good friends without the presence of romance and love.

Children also form an understanding of these concepts from the media and entertainment they consume, where there tends to be an over-emphasis on the physicality of the relationship. In addition, the media does not present a full picture of love, and often fail to accurately depict conflict and conflict resolution.

It is therefore imperative for us to address these gaps; the best way to do this is to model what relationships are about through our day-to-day interactions. For example, we tell our kids that Daddy and Mummy love each other very much. But there are times when we don’t agree on things, and may quarrel with each other. However, at the end of the day, we choose to talk to each other about how we feel, and try to come to a common understanding on what to do about the problem.

3. Give Them Space to Express Their Identity

Identity formation is one of the most important struggles of a teenager. Most of the parent-child battles that occur in the tween-to-teen years arise from this struggle to understand, and express, who they are. This is characterised in terms of their physical appearance, emotional and spiritual preferences, as well as their expected role and place in society. Pop singer Britney Spears said it best in her song “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” While I’m not a Britney Spears fan, I feel that sentence encapsulates what a tween/teen is going through.

To help children in their quest of self-discovery, we can practice the concept of “loving boundaries”. As adults, we have to set the boundaries of the exploratory process. How far would you allow your child to go in the process of finding himself or herself? It would not be wise if there are no limits, and the child ends up wandering off a cliff in the search for his or her identity.

Identity formation is one of the most important struggles of a teenager.

At the same time, we also need to provide warmth, a listening ear, and a touch of love. When the child is young, a strict parenting style might be effective in terms of achieving compliance. However, as the child approaches adolescence, a more measured response is preferable. We may find that a more collaborative approach in the way we communicate with our kids, rather than barking out instructions, more effective in the long run.

Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information.

4. Support Their Decisions

As our children grow up, they begin to make more and more important choices that will affect their future. As parents, we can empower our kids in their decision-making. On one hand, we want them to be independent to make their own decisions. Yet on the other hand, we want them to make the “right” choices. Sometimes these two paths do not cross, so we need to be at peace with whatever choices that our children make, even when they may not appear to be the best.

A collaborative approach in the way we communicate with our kids, rather than barking out instructions, is more effective in the long run.

There will be ups and downs in this journey as your child grows and enters adulthood, but remembering that you’re on the same team will help your relationship to thrive. Here are some tips you can practice today!

  • Don’t take rejection personally. Understand that they’re going through challenges of their own.
  • Do less talking and more listening.
  • Assure them you are there when they need to talk.
  • Schedule regular one-on-one dates, whether it’s for a walk, or for coffee.
  • If limits need to be set, broach the subject when you’re both calm and are not in a rush. Brainstorm together for solutions, rather than directing. Communicate your concerns and feelings about the issue at hand.
  • Give your teen room to grow and make mistakes.

* Names have been changed to protect clients’ privacy.

Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 9 and 7.

Extramarital Affairs: Can There Be a Second Chance?

Most couples enter marriage with intention of savouring long-lasting marital bliss. Nobody expects themselves or their spouse to have an affair. However, the unfortunate reality is that affairs do happen.

An affair usually arises when there are perceived or real unmet needs in a marriage. Lack of intimacy, poor communication, unresolved anger, undercurrent issues, and emotional distance are all common traits of a marriage in crisis, according to Larry Lai, Head of Counselling and Principal Psychotherapist at Focus on the Family Singapore.

“There is usually something missing in the marriage relationship that has resulted in one or both parties feeling frustrated or helpless and instead of resolving the issues, one party chooses to fulfill their unmet needs outside of the marriage” he adds.

There is usually something missing in the marriage relationship that has resulted in one or both parties feeling frustrated or helpless.

Having personally known couples who have journeyed through infidelity, Larry has also witnessed, first-hand, their successful recoveries. Here are some of the key factors necessary for healing after an extramarital affair.

Be prepared for the long recovery journey

The first and foremost thing is for the wrongdoer to admit and accept responsibility for committing the affair, acknowledge the hurts and injuries they have caused, and seek forgiveness. The next and very difficult step, especially in the case of a long-term emotional affair, is for the wrongdoer to commit to ending the affair and restoring the marital relationship.

Larry emphasises that both parties must be prepared for the tough and long-drawn process in an affair recovery and restoration journey.


“Realistically, it may take 1-2 years, if not longer, for both parties to fully heal, through the help of individual and couple therapy,” said Larry.

Be willing to forgive 

Forgiveness is another key ingredient in moving on after an affair. Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness.

Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness.

This is arguably the hardest step to take for the wronged spouse. When your spouse betrays your trust and causes you deep emotional hurt, you may have a strong need for vindication or justice. Forgiveness is likely to be the last thing you want to extend.

However, it is important to realise that forgiveness not only frees the wrongdoer from shame and guilt and allow him to start afresh in rebuilding the relationship, it also frees you to focus on your own healing process.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but it does mean not using the incident against your spouse in the journey ahead. It also doesn’t mean that the pain and hurt automatically vanish; you will still need the time and space to grieve as your marriage has changed irrevocably.

Rather, forgiveness facilitates your own internal healing process. It is only through forgiveness that you can free yourself and focus on restoring and strengthening your marital relationship without the encumbrances of the affair.

Seek good counsel

Working with a counsellor can help facilitate the healing and restoration process. A counsellor will generally work with both of you, through individual and couple therapy, to identify the unmet needs in your marital relationship, and guide you in the work needed for healing and restoration.

For instance, it may be necessary to establish new boundaries for re-building trust in your marriage with regards to interactions with the opposite sex and improve on the accountability and transparency in your marriage.

Take it one day at a time

The best thing you can do for yourself during the recovery period is to take things one day at time.

For those with children, the challenges might seem even more overwhelming because it will be hard to hide your stress. Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information. Don’t weigh your children down with the details or play the blame game.

Do take care of the parts of your family life that you still have control over to provide a semblance of security and stability for your children.

Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information.

Infidelity does not have to signal the end of the road for a marriage but with the willingness from you and your spouse to forgive and work on your relationship, your marriage can be given a new lease of life.

© 2018 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

If you have unresolved issues in your marriage, or are dealing with marital infidelity, speak to one of our counsellors today.

How to Understand Your Teenager Better

Teenagehood – that awkward and angry phase of development that we’ve come to view with trepidation and confusion, but did you know that adolescence is marked by three different stages? I read about this concept, and I saw it happen in my children. In fact, my three teens are roughly at each of the three stages now.

Early adolescence

My youngest, who is turning 13 soon, is in the early adolescence stage – he is still emotionally attached and dependent on us. However, he experiences sudden outbursts of anger and frustration, and is often short-fused.

During such times, the best thing I can do is to stay calm and tell him we will only continue the conversation when he is calm. I don’t always succeed so sometimes we end up quarreling.

However, when we’re both calm, he would apologise because he knows that he was being unreasonable. He has explained his behaviour by saying, “I don’t know why I am like that. I don’t know what is happening.” I apologise often too, because he is sensitive and easily hurt. His logic of how I offended him is often difficult to understand but his feelings of hurt are real.

It isn’t always easy but I try to shower him with loads of affection even as I continue to help him to cope with his schoolwork and life in general.

I did not have such wisdom and maturity when my first two sons went through adolescence. I was often very hurt and angry with them. I practically trashed my relationships with them. Things only started to turn around when I realised that unless I changed (because they sure were not going to), I was going to lose my sons.

Things only started to turn around when I realised that unless I changed (because they sure were not going to), I was going to lose my sons.

Mid-adolescence

Mid-adolescence is typically characterised by more frequent conflicts and tension between parents and teens. But it’s not just the teen who is at fault. While teenagers may have their angst, we have our fair share too. One of the reasons I think that teenagers are difficult to deal with is that they become disappointed with their parents and act out in disrespect and anger.

One of my sons often said I was a hypocrite and sneered at my declarations of love. I had to wrestle with those words – first to accept that he was right, and then to come to terms with the fact that I would never reach the standard of perfection he expected of me and for which he used to adore me for. I mourned the loss of his devotion and thinking back, it took me more than 3 years to grow out of that angst.

The words of author Paul Tripp, “His selfishness hooks my selfishness,” capture the experience of mid-adolescence well. The teen is as selfish and self-centered as he was when he was a toddler. However, the expectations of the parent are now higher.

On my part, I expect him to consider my needs now because I think he can. But to him, he is not ready to do so and sees his mother’s love as conditional.

Do I choose not to love him because he brings me little comfort, pride or joy? If my son does not possess a single redeeming quality, would I still love him? Interacting with this teenager reveals to me the limits of my love. His selfishness has hooked mine.

If I could turn back the clock, I would have been less exacting on my demands on him and given him the benefit of the doubt – that he was trying his best, no matter whether his best was good enough for me or not. If I had done that, my relationship with him would have been stronger.

If I could turn back the clock, I would have been less exacting on my demands on him and given him the benefit of the doubt. If I had done that, my relationship with him would have been stronger.

Late adolescence

Late adolescence is an enjoyable phase as our teens start to be more aware of the impact of their actions on others and vice versa. I recall how one son recently explained to his brother about how I could get a heart attack from hypertension. Another son also told me how he would ensure he knows the lyrics of the songs (including songs in a foreign language) he listens to.

Now that I am seeing my older children move into late adolescence and adulthood, I realise that many of the anxieties I felt in the past were unnecessary. Someone said this – teenagers nowadays are not much different from those in the past; they still respond to love.

Now that I am seeing my older children move into late adolescence and adulthood, I realise that many of the anxieties I felt in the past were unnecessary. Teenagers nowadays are not much different from those in the past; they still respond to love.

The way they spend their time is very different, but if you are genuinely interested in them, they will respond to you. I saw this happen just recently. My son was on his phone, but a young adult came up to him to chat. She is a youth leader in church who has known him for 3 years. She started talking to him and asking questions, and he quickly kept his phone to talk to her. We did not have to remind, nag or threaten him. He did it on his own accord.

Two lessons I’ve learnt

As our children get older, we need to start relating to them as friends. While we do not abdicate our role as parents, we need to also become people whom our children will choose as their friends.

As parents, we have the greatest advantage as we know their interests and personalities. I may not know as much as my sons about politics or military equipment, neither can I keep up with their computer games, but I can be a good listener.

I find that my children can happily talk to me for a long time about their areas of interest without me actually understanding much, so long as I stay interested.

When they become teenagers, they need their own space and freedom to try out life. That should be celebrated because they will not learn wisdom and discernment otherwise.

The second thing I’ve learnt is that I need to cultivate my own interest and circle of friends. Children take up a lot of our time and energy, and they give us a joy and comfort. However, when they become teenagers, they need their own space and freedom to try out life. That should be celebrated because they will not learn wisdom and discernment otherwise.

However, this means we suddenly have excess time and energy for ourselves. This may seem like a good thing at first but it can be hard to deal with the emotional void that used to be filled by our children.

When I have my own pursuits and friends, I am firstly emotionally fulfilled and more able to deal with their angst, and secondly, more interesting to be with when we spend time together. I have something to share with them – my life, my friends, my passion and my dreams. I no longer need to live through them, nor need them to fulfil my dreams.

I always remind myself that while I chose to have children, they did not choose to have me as their parent. While they might be alive because of me, I do not ultimately own them. I cannot demand devotion from them just because I choose to give them my love.

My job as a parent is to help them to be successful and at peace with their chosen path. While I pray that they will grow up sharing my values and be counted among my soul-mates, I can only do my best and leave the outcome to God. I am content now to just treasure every moment I have left with them.

Think about:

© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Why Do Husbands Need Respect and Wives Desire Love?

“I can’t believe you just said that about me in front of all our friends! How could you humiliate me like this?” Sean spat at his wife.

Xue Ying was baffled. “It was just a casual remark. Anyway I was just telling it like it was. You do behave like that often, even when I’ve told you not to.”

“Did you have to tell everyone and make me lose face like that? I don’t know how I can face them again!” Sean stormed off.

For the rest of the evening, Sean gave Xue Ying the cold shoulder. He knew they should talk it out but he was still fuming. Besides, he thought, she probably wouldn’t care about being apart for just a few hours. He just needed some space to cool off.

Xue Ying didn’t understand why Sean was this bothered and treating her this way. She texted her close friend and cried confused tears as they chatted. “He’s been ignoring me since the afternoon. Does this mean he doesn’t love me anymore?”

This is a fictional scenario, but does it sound familiar? The wife did something she believed was harmless, but it affected her husband in a way she didn’t foresee. The husband acted in a way that he thought was inoffensive, yet didn’t know it would upset his wife this much.

The Crazy Cycle

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, a New York Times bestselling author on marriage, points out that “men hear criticism as contempt [while] women feel silence as hostility.” This explains why Sean felt so embarrassed by his wife’s joke about his behaviour, and Xue Ying felt so hurt by her husband’s subsequent silence.

Men hear criticism as contempt while women feel silence as hostility.

He calls an exchange like that the “Crazy Cycle”. Here’s how it works: when a wife doesn’t receive love from her husband, she reacts by not giving her husband respect, and when a husband doesn’t feel respected by his wife, he reacts by withholding love from her. And the crazy cycle repeats itself!

Why do men value being respected so much, and why is feeling loved so significant to women?

Men and Women Have Different Needs

In her surveys, Shaunti Feldhahn — a social researcher and author of many bestselling books on relationships — found that men and women have different inner insecurities.

She found that “[w]omen tended to have deep, hidden questions like, Am I special? Am I loveable? and thus needed to feel special and worthy of being loved for who they were on the inside.”

On the other hand, “men…really didn’t have those questions. Instead, they worried, Do I measure up? Am I any good at what I do? In other words: they deeply need to feel noticed, able, and appreciated for what they do on the outside.”

Different insecurities lead to contrasting emotional needs in men and women.

Different insecurities lead to contrasting emotional needs in men and women.

Give Our Spouse what is Needed

Feldhahn urges that understanding these sensitive areas helps us avoid hurting our spouse, and stop thinking that they’re being ‘oversensitive’. This lets us care for our mate in the way they need.

She points out that “men’s private doubt about whether they measure up is the reason why [their wives’] respect…matters so much to them.” For women, because their “latent insecurity [is] about whether their man really loves them and even whether they are truly lovable,” they “need to be reassured [by their husbands] often that they are beautiful and they are loved.”

This doesn’t mean a husband only wants his wife’s respect without love; neither does a wife only long for her husband’s love without respect. It’s just that a man needs to feel respected more, while a woman needs to feel loved more.

Dr. Eggerichs observes that just as a wife desires unconditional love from her husband, a husband needs unconditional respect from his wife. When we meet our spouse’s emotional needs, that’s when a couple enters into what he calls the “Energising Cycle”.

The Energising Cycle

Imagine that Sean and Xue Ying have learnt about each other’s insecurities and emotional needs. What can he do to meet her desire to feel loved?

Some things Sean can do include:

  • making it a point to spend quality time with her
  • sharing his joys and difficulties with her
  • listening to her and being empathetic when she shares her feelings with him
  • apologising when he has done something wrong toward her
  • speaking well of her in front of others
  • being physically affectionate with her in public

As for Xue Ying, to help Sean feel respected in their marriage, some things she can do to meet his emotional needs include:

  • expressing her appreciation for his efforts at work
  • affirming his commitment to protect and provide for her
  • not putting him down about his accomplishments or how much he earns
  • recognising that his desire to solve problems is his way of caring for her
  • responding to him when he desires sexual intimacy
  • encouraging him to spend time alone to recharge

Love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man.

Of course, every person is unique, so each couple needs to figure out what most satisfies their spouse’s primary desires. When we remember that “love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man” (Dr Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs), we’re off to a good start! Be energised in loving each other as you meet your spouse’s emotional needs.

This article was written by Raphael Zhang.

© 2018 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

References:
For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women (Revised and Updated Edition) by Shaunti and‎ Jeff Feldhahn.
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men (Revised and Updated Edition) by Shaunti Feldhahn.
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Love and Respect by Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs.

How to Break the Ice In A Cold War with Your Spouse

Bring back the sweet nothings

“Why are you always tired the moment I want to talk to you? I only wanted to…”

Before I could even breathe a word more, my husband pulled the blanket over his head and snapped, “Good night!”, cutting me off in the middle of my sentence.

As I lay in bed staring into the dark, I began reminiscing our courtship days when we would spend hours on the telephone. Even though my then boyfriend, and now husband is an introvert, he was comfortable baring his soul and revealing his innermost thoughts and feelings to me.

Fast forward 15 years later, the man who promised to give his heart wouldn’t even lend me his ears.

Just how have we gone from whispering sweet nothings to saying nothing?

Fortunately, we arrested our communication breakdown before it headed further south. While there are still days when unkind words are said in anger and we get defensive at the slightest suggestion of an on-coming conflict, we have also learnt to be quick to apologise and reconcile the next day.

Rebounding from a communication breakdown

A lack of communication has been cited as one of the top reasons for marital breakdowns, ranking even higher than infidelity. A girlfriend once said that she’d rather quarrel with her husband than be caught in a cold war.

When both parties have reached a stage where they couldn’t care less to even quarrel, they have grown emotionally distant, which is a slippery slope downhill.

When a couple stops communicating, it usually stems from the woman feeling unloved and the man feeling disrespected. How can we communicate better so as to break the silence and reconnect as a couple?

3 ways to ace communication with your spouse

We can use the acronyms A.C.E to remember 3 practical ways on how to ace communication with our spouse and restore the relationship.

A: Apologise and mean it

We don’t like to feel patronised when our kids give us half-hearted apologies, yet we are guilty of doing that when we say, “I’m sorry but…” and attempt to justify our wrong-doing.

Although saying sorry is the first step to break the silence, especially if we were the one who triggered the cold war, anything less than a sincere apology makes us appear begrudging.

Between my husband and I, I struggle to apologise as I expect him to give in to me. (I blame Korean dramas for my unrealistic expectations.)

However, being the first to apologise doesn’t mean we are weak. It shows that we care more about mending the relationship than the need to be right. Laying our egos aside to apologise wholeheartedly is never easy, but for the sake of our marriage, it is worth it.

Being the first to apologise doesn’t mean we are weak. It shows that we care more about mending the relationship than the need to be right.

C: Choose not to be offended

Whenever my husband hints that the house is getting too untidy, my first response is to feel attacked. Once this self-defensiveness is triggered, I shut out my emotions and retaliate by being critical.

We feel the need to protect ourselves, but the danger is when we go all out to win an argument only to realise too late that it comes at a heavy cost.

So let’s make a conscious effort not to take every comment personally. Instead, we can accept our spouse’s feedback graciously, perhaps asking, how can we do it together or do it better. More often than not, my husband who is a fixer, jumps at the opportunity to solve the problem, resulting in a win-win outcome for everyone.

We feel the need to protect ourselves, but the danger is when we go all out to win an argument only to realise too late that it comes at a heavy cost.

E: Express your wishes

Women expect men to be mind-readers. However, men just want us to get to the point and tell them straight up.

After 12 years of marriage, I’ve learnt to express my wishes to my husband by using “I would love it if…” statements.

For these statements to be effective, they would need to be positive and future-focused. For example, “I would love it if you consulted me before agreeing to go out with your friends tonight” or “I would love it if you offered to take the kids for their classes, so that I can rest tomorrow.”

The idea is not to use them as angry or sarcastic statements to pick a fight. So statements like, “I would love it if you stop being a pain” is not going to be helpful.

Having an occasional timeout is necessary, but don’t allow the cooling period to overrun its course. Keep the lines of communication open and nurture your marriage by using the A.C.E strategies shared above.

This article was written by Susan Koh. Susan is a self-confessed C+ mum who lives for coffee, chocolate and heartfelt connections. As a mum of one she believes that the best parenting style is parenting with intention and shares her motherhood journey on her blog A Juggling Mom.

Think about:

  • Which part of A.C.E. would you apply to your own marriage?

© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Raising A Responsible Child Does Not Need Harsh Methods

The 7-year-old hurriedly deposited the bag of goods at the kitchen table. He then dashed off to his room to play with his brother. But not before he heard a shout from the kitchen.

“E! What happened to the eggs! Why are half of them broken!”

As the 7-year-old returned to the kitchen, he was met with a frown on his father’s face. The bag of eggs was open, and it was not a pretty picture.

“Why are the eggs broken?” asked the father in an upset yet calm tone.

“Er…. I don’t know,” came the reply.

“Well, I saw how you had thrown them on the kitchen table. You were too eager to go to your room and play.”

The boy did not reply. His eyes turned to the ground and he attempted to avoid his father’s stern glare.

“Who is responsible for the broken eggs?” asked the father.

“Sorry Daddy. It’s my fault.”

“I accept your apology. But E, do you know who is ultimately responsible for the eggs?”

The little boy looked at his father, expecting him to yell at him for not properly handling the eggs.

“I am ultimately responsible. You are still a young boy, and I chose to let you carry the eggs. So although you are partly to blame for breaking the eggs, but at the end of the day, as your father, I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the eggs.”

The little boy was surprised at the response, his eyes taking in the weight of all that had just been said; and all at once there seemed to appear a gleam of gratitude on his face.

“I understand, Daddy. If you don’t love us you wouldn’t spend so much time training us and teaching us to be responsible….”

Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.

Building Healthy Habits

Since our children were young we have been teaching them the importance of being responsible for their actions. For instance, since the age of 5 or 6, our kids have been carrying their own plates to the table after we place our orders at the food centre. We are aware that they could possibly drop the plates, but we have decided that even if they did that, it’s still okay. And at home, we have used regular crockery and other utensils from an early age, instead of the plastic cups and plates which are usually used by many other kids. Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.

Many of these ideas have come from 19th century educationalist Charlotte Mason, whose writings on classical education have shaped the minds of many. A prominent teacher and writer, Mason believed that a parent’s chief duty was to “form in his child right habits of thinking and behaving.” To that end, habit formation was one of the key principles that she advocated.

I remember one of her analogies about habit formation. She noted that the train goes around a fixed railway track each day. Would it then be possible one day for the train to suddenly decide to go off track? Likely not; the railway tracks have been established from the start, and the train would not travel in a route that was not there before. Likewise, when we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow from the beginning of his or her life. Consequently, we need to help our children develop healthy habits as early as possible.

When we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow throughout life.

No Need for Harsh Consequences

What then about responsibility? Many parents have chosen an approach known as classical conditioning. If the child does something right, they are rewarded. But if they do something wrong, they are punished. This model of teaching responsibility is borrowed from psychology, and many parents today practise this method.

However, if we were to draw from Mason’s principles to teach responsibility, we would see responsibility as an extension of habit formation. So if we teach our children how to be responsible from an early age, they will start practicing good habits and take ownership of their day-to-day responsibilities.

As such, there is no need for an external stimulus like a reward or a punishment to drive our kids. Instead, our children are motivated by an internal desire to be responsible for their actions.

They can begin by learning to be responsible in small ways such as watering the plants and clearing the dinner table daily. As your kids get older, you can scaffold their responsibilities and entrust them with chores such as washing or hanging of laundry, or vacuuming and mopping the house.

However, as parents, we should bear the ultimate responsibility for what happens under our care. As such, we need to monitor whether the plants are being watered or if the dishes are being cleaned properly, continually guiding and reminding our kids if the leaves turn yellow or if there is leftover soap on the dishes. There is therefore no need for harsh punishment. We instead replace this with regular training.

What if the child refuses or forgets to do his chores? Chore refusal is a behavioural issue and needs to be resolved accordingly, with an appropriate punishment such as a “time in” or a withdrawal of privileges. As for forgetfulness, we all forget things from time to time; we can simply remind the child to do the chore, regardless of how inconvenient it may be for them.

“Daddy,” said the 9-year-old, “It’s already evening and I have yet to water the plants. I’m very tired and I really want to go to bed.”

“Yes, Z. I know it has been a long day for you.”

“But Daddy, I know I must water the plants. It’s my responsibility.”

“Yes, Z. You are absolutely right. Why don’t you ask your younger brother to help with the lights?”

And so the younger child reached out and switched on the balcony lights, while the older child proceeded to water the plants. The younger brother then completed the task by switching off the lights.

“You know Z and E, you have both done very well. Daddy is very proud of both of you!”

And the boys beamed a brilliant smile, even as they headed to bed.

Think about:

  • What is one way your child can help out in the home this week?

Build Your Marriage By Asking These 5 Questions

After 16 years of marriage and six children, my husband and I thought it timely to park some couple time aside this year and signed up for a marriage retreat. It was obvious to us, that after a season of coping with parenting young children in our twenties and thirties, along with career and family transitions, our marriage had lost some of its initial shine with the daily wear and tear of life. 

Marriage too is subject to seasons. The early years of marriage, while sweet, felt akin to walking a tightrope in order to balance each other’s expectations. Midway, in trying to establish financial stability, the demands of work and hopeful ambition ate into our attempts at real connection.

After children came on the scene, marriage became not just about “us”. Our time was mostly consumed in taking care of their needs first, leaving us with barely enough energy and time to address each other’s. Our moments were no longer exclusive but shared – our children would tag along with us to celebrate our wedding anniversaries.

To be fair, all marriages go through change. After all, some of our initial conceptions of our spouse and ideas of what marriage would be like will evolve. Adding to that, our personal experiences and emotional growth may shape us into different people from the original two starry-eyed individuals who had vowed to stick together for better or worse.

It was a timely weekend; Covenant Marriage Retreat 2019 in Singapore taught us some practical handles on how to iron out the kinks and rev the engines of love that would sustain our marriage in the decades to come.

If you can identify with what we have experienced, here are five specific questions that will help our marriages go the distance:

1. How can I focus on the good in our marriage? 

As the years go by and we see the person we married for who he or she really is, it may be easier to magnify their weaknesses and flaws than recognise the good. Focusing on the good means accepting your partner for who he is and where he’s at. It is also about choosing to acknowledge your partner’s efforts and strengths.

My husband is not a natural romantic who plans surprises or buys me flowers. However, I’ve learnt to appreciate him for the practical hands-on husband that he is, rather than focusing on what he is not. I appreciate his quiet ways of expressing love: Allowing me to take a bath first after a long day, swapping dishes with me when his order looks better than mine, doing the dishes without being asked and changing nappies. These are the many sweet ways he makes me feel special and loved! 

I’ve learnt to appreciate him for the practical hands-on husband that he is, rather than focusing on what he is not.

2. How can I fill my spouse’s emotional fuel tank?

Craig Hill, founder of Family Foundations International and author of Two Fleas & No Dog: Transform Your Marriage from Fleadom to Freedom, reveals that men and women perceive value totally differently. “Every person has an emotional fuel tank and Value is the fuel.” Men perceive value through respect and women perceive value through love.

For a woman, practical love means ensuring she is given high priority, that attention is given to address her feelings, and responsibility is taken when her spouse hurts her. For a man, practical respect translates to acceptance, admiration and appreciation of his work and efforts for the family.

Understanding this difference helps us do what matters most to our spouse and fills their emotional tanks. We need to consciously and intentionally fill our spouse’s emotional tank so that marriage becomes a safe harbour for them to rest and refuel instead of a battleground.

3. How can I better communicate to my spouse his or her value?

Most of the communication failures in a marriage arise from the things we say and…the things we don’t. While words can be used to accuse, tear down and manipulate emotions, sincere, affirming words have the power to build up our marriage relationship regardless of how we feel.

For every gripe we have about our spouse, think of three things we can thank and honour him for. Choosing to speak life-giving words will feed the heart and soul of our marriage. At the same time, “Only 7% of a communicated message is contained in the words spoken. Another 38% is in voice intonation and 55%, body language,” says Hill. That means a whopping 93% of all our communicated messages are non-verbal! We must be mindful that our tone and bodily gestures, such as touch and eye contact, have a direct impact on our relationship too. 

Sincere, affirming words have the power to build up our marriage relationship regardless of how we feel.

4. How can I put his or her needs first? 

Our marriage can run the risk of becoming transactional if we choose to prioritise our individual happiness above our spouse’s. The world has conditioned us to think that every relationship should offer some kind of payback.

“What’s in it for me?” “Can my spouse provide me with enough money?” “Will we be able to afford yearly holidays?” reflect attitudes that can prove toxic to a marriage.

Instead, we can shift gears by asking questions like, “How can I serve my spouse?”, “How can I make his or her day special?” and “How can I prioritise my spouse’s needs first?” The adage, “It is better to give than to receive” is definitely applicable to how we treat the one closest to us. 

5. How can I prioritise my marriage more?

Are there any hobbies, people, activities that might be competing with our desire to spend time with our spouse? The year-end holiday season is a good time for couples to reconnect and spend time together. Go on a short vacation or just take time out away from work or the kids.

It is easy to confuse building our families with building our marriages. They are complementary but not the same thing. In fact, spending time to intentionally improve our relationship with our spouse will ensure that our children and family relationships benefit as well. 

Think about:

  • Which marriage question will you mull over this week?

Help Your Child Overcome the Fear of Failure

“Just tell me if my answer is correct.”

My daughter was getting increasingly exasperated as she knew I wasn’t feeding her with the answers without ensuring that she understood the thought process to solve her Math questions. To her, mistakes are a sign of failure and she wanted to stay a mile away from them.

At the tender age of 10, she is already painfully aware of how negative being labelled as a failure can be. In school, non-performers have been put down by classmates, while praises were lavished on the top scorers.

In contrast, I’ve also heard of schools giving out medals to everyone for participating at Sport Day so no one feels excluded. Both extremes give failure a bad reputation; why do we make failure out to be a dead end?

While we want our children to be successful in their endeavours, the last thing we should do is shield them from every obstacle that come their way. If children are never taught how to deal with setbacks, how can they build the resilience to recover from them?

Very often, the fear of failure is worse than actual failure itself as it creates anxiety and hinders our children from trying new things. In order for children to overcome the fear of failure, we must equip them with a healthy perspective of failure.

1. Teach them that failures are building blocks to success

What if we taught our children that failures are essential to success? And that in order to succeed, failures have to be part of the equation.

We can take on the role of a coach. Instead of taking over their problems, help them to evaluate the problem, brainstorm possible solutions, and gently point out their blind spots or where they can improve.

With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes. They will likely also learn to approach difficult situations from different angles, helping them to be more creative and persistent at problem-solving.

With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes.

2. Emphasise on progress, not perfection

Children often get disheartened when they see that they are not doing as well as others, but we can help them to focus on the progress they have made. Recognise the efforts they have put in and assure them that if they continue trying, they will be able to get there.

Encourage them not to give up just because they have not achieved their goal yet. It just means that there is room for improvement and growth.

3. Temper our reactions towards failures

Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.

Instead of saying, “You just need to try harder next time,” we can be more empathetic in our response by saying, “I know you trained hard for the trials and I’m sorry you didn’t get into the team. Do you want to talk about it?”

Our reaction to the setbacks that our children experience shapes their mindset towards failures. If we are always looking for someone to blame, children may try to find an excuse when things don’t go as planned. By responding with more compassion, we are teaching them to take personal responsibility towards failure.

Growing their self-awareness will also put them in a better position to pick themselves up after a fall. If they were unprepared for their test, ask if they felt they had put in enough time and effort on their revision, and if not, what they can do next time. If they were overlooked for a leadership role, ask what areas they think they can work on for the next round of selection.

Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.

4. Emphasise that they are not defined by failures

For self-esteem to flourish, children need to know they are not defined by their success or failure. Similarly, we must recognise that our children’s success or failure do not define us as well.

While we may worry about our children failing at school, being overly caught up with grades can be suffocating and disempowering for children when they feel they are not measuring up.

As parents, we have to have a realistic view of our children’s abilities and set our expectations accordingly. By learning what motivates them, we can activate our children’s inner drive instead of making them do well to please us.

We can also be vulnerable and share our personal stories of disappointments we face at work. Insodoing, we are normalising failure and modelling to our kids so they can see how to cope with and overcome setbacks.

Failures can be painful but learning to change the conversations we have about failure will help reframe how our children perceive failure. With a more positive and growth-oriented mindset, they will be in a stronger position to overcome challenges in the future.

Think about:

  • How will you talk about failure with your child this coming week?