Resource Type: Articles

Raising A Responsible Child Does Not Need Harsh Methods

The 7-year-old hurriedly deposited the bag of goods at the kitchen table. He then dashed off to his room to play with his brother. But not before he heard a shout from the kitchen.

“E! What happened to the eggs! Why are half of them broken!”

As the 7-year-old returned to the kitchen, he was met with a frown on his father’s face. The bag of eggs was open, and it was not a pretty picture.

“Why are the eggs broken?” asked the father in an upset yet calm tone.

“Er…. I don’t know,” came the reply.

“Well, I saw how you had thrown them on the kitchen table. You were too eager to go to your room and play.”

The boy did not reply. His eyes turned to the ground and he attempted to avoid his father’s stern glare.

“Who is responsible for the broken eggs?” asked the father.

“Sorry Daddy. It’s my fault.”

“I accept your apology. But E, do you know who is ultimately responsible for the eggs?”

The little boy looked at his father, expecting him to yell at him for not properly handling the eggs.

“I am ultimately responsible. You are still a young boy, and I chose to let you carry the eggs. So although you are partly to blame for breaking the eggs, but at the end of the day, as your father, I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the eggs.”

The little boy was surprised at the response, his eyes taking in the weight of all that had just been said; and all at once there seemed to appear a gleam of gratitude on his face.

“I understand, Daddy. If you don’t love us you wouldn’t spend so much time training us and teaching us to be responsible….”

Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.

Building Healthy Habits

Since our children were young we have been teaching them the importance of being responsible for their actions. For instance, since the age of 5 or 6, our kids have been carrying their own plates to the table after we place our orders at the food centre. We are aware that they could possibly drop the plates, but we have decided that even if they did that, it’s still okay. And at home, we have used regular crockery and other utensils from an early age, instead of the plastic cups and plates which are usually used by many other kids. Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.

Many of these ideas have come from 19th century educationalist Charlotte Mason, whose writings on classical education have shaped the minds of many. A prominent teacher and writer, Mason believed that a parent’s chief duty was to “form in his child right habits of thinking and behaving.” To that end, habit formation was one of the key principles that she advocated.

I remember one of her analogies about habit formation. She noted that the train goes around a fixed railway track each day. Would it then be possible one day for the train to suddenly decide to go off track? Likely not; the railway tracks have been established from the start, and the train would not travel in a route that was not there before. Likewise, when we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow from the beginning of his or her life. Consequently, we need to help our children develop healthy habits as early as possible.

When we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow throughout life.

No Need for Harsh Consequences

What then about responsibility? Many parents have chosen an approach known as classical conditioning. If the child does something right, they are rewarded. But if they do something wrong, they are punished. This model of teaching responsibility is borrowed from psychology, and many parents today practise this method.

However, if we were to draw from Mason’s principles to teach responsibility, we would see responsibility as an extension of habit formation. So if we teach our children how to be responsible from an early age, they will start practicing good habits and take ownership of their day-to-day responsibilities.

As such, there is no need for an external stimulus like a reward or a punishment to drive our kids. Instead, our children are motivated by an internal desire to be responsible for their actions.

They can begin by learning to be responsible in small ways such as watering the plants and clearing the dinner table daily. As your kids get older, you can scaffold their responsibilities and entrust them with chores such as washing or hanging of laundry, or vacuuming and mopping the house.

However, as parents, we should bear the ultimate responsibility for what happens under our care. As such, we need to monitor whether the plants are being watered or if the dishes are being cleaned properly, continually guiding and reminding our kids if the leaves turn yellow or if there is leftover soap on the dishes. There is therefore no need for harsh punishment. We instead replace this with regular training.

What if the child refuses or forgets to do his chores? Chore refusal is a behavioural issue and needs to be resolved accordingly, with an appropriate punishment such as a “time in” or a withdrawal of privileges. As for forgetfulness, we all forget things from time to time; we can simply remind the child to do the chore, regardless of how inconvenient it may be for them.

“Daddy,” said the 9-year-old, “It’s already evening and I have yet to water the plants. I’m very tired and I really want to go to bed.”

“Yes, Z. I know it has been a long day for you.”

“But Daddy, I know I must water the plants. It’s my responsibility.”

“Yes, Z. You are absolutely right. Why don’t you ask your younger brother to help with the lights?”

And so the younger child reached out and switched on the balcony lights, while the older child proceeded to water the plants. The younger brother then completed the task by switching off the lights.

“You know Z and E, you have both done very well. Daddy is very proud of both of you!”

And the boys beamed a brilliant smile, even as they headed to bed.

Think about:

  • What is one way your child can help out in the home this week?

Build Your Marriage By Asking These 5 Questions

After 16 years of marriage and six children, my husband and I thought it timely to park some couple time aside this year and signed up for a marriage retreat. It was obvious to us, that after a season of coping with parenting young children in our twenties and thirties, along with career and family transitions, our marriage had lost some of its initial shine with the daily wear and tear of life. 

Marriage too is subject to seasons. The early years of marriage, while sweet, felt akin to walking a tightrope in order to balance each other’s expectations. Midway, in trying to establish financial stability, the demands of work and hopeful ambition ate into our attempts at real connection.

After children came on the scene, marriage became not just about “us”. Our time was mostly consumed in taking care of their needs first, leaving us with barely enough energy and time to address each other’s. Our moments were no longer exclusive but shared – our children would tag along with us to celebrate our wedding anniversaries.

To be fair, all marriages go through change. After all, some of our initial conceptions of our spouse and ideas of what marriage would be like will evolve. Adding to that, our personal experiences and emotional growth may shape us into different people from the original two starry-eyed individuals who had vowed to stick together for better or worse.

It was a timely weekend; Covenant Marriage Retreat 2019 in Singapore taught us some practical handles on how to iron out the kinks and rev the engines of love that would sustain our marriage in the decades to come.

If you can identify with what we have experienced, here are five specific questions that will help our marriages go the distance:

1. How can I focus on the good in our marriage? 

As the years go by and we see the person we married for who he or she really is, it may be easier to magnify their weaknesses and flaws than recognise the good. Focusing on the good means accepting your partner for who he is and where he’s at. It is also about choosing to acknowledge your partner’s efforts and strengths.

My husband is not a natural romantic who plans surprises or buys me flowers. However, I’ve learnt to appreciate him for the practical hands-on husband that he is, rather than focusing on what he is not. I appreciate his quiet ways of expressing love: Allowing me to take a bath first after a long day, swapping dishes with me when his order looks better than mine, doing the dishes without being asked and changing nappies. These are the many sweet ways he makes me feel special and loved! 

I’ve learnt to appreciate him for the practical hands-on husband that he is, rather than focusing on what he is not.

2. How can I fill my spouse’s emotional fuel tank?

Craig Hill, founder of Family Foundations International and author of Two Fleas & No Dog: Transform Your Marriage from Fleadom to Freedom, reveals that men and women perceive value totally differently. “Every person has an emotional fuel tank and Value is the fuel.” Men perceive value through respect and women perceive value through love.

For a woman, practical love means ensuring she is given high priority, that attention is given to address her feelings, and responsibility is taken when her spouse hurts her. For a man, practical respect translates to acceptance, admiration and appreciation of his work and efforts for the family.

Understanding this difference helps us do what matters most to our spouse and fills their emotional tanks. We need to consciously and intentionally fill our spouse’s emotional tank so that marriage becomes a safe harbour for them to rest and refuel instead of a battleground.

3. How can I better communicate to my spouse his or her value?

Most of the communication failures in a marriage arise from the things we say and…the things we don’t. While words can be used to accuse, tear down and manipulate emotions, sincere, affirming words have the power to build up our marriage relationship regardless of how we feel.

For every gripe we have about our spouse, think of three things we can thank and honour him for. Choosing to speak life-giving words will feed the heart and soul of our marriage. At the same time, “Only 7% of a communicated message is contained in the words spoken. Another 38% is in voice intonation and 55%, body language,” says Hill. That means a whopping 93% of all our communicated messages are non-verbal! We must be mindful that our tone and bodily gestures, such as touch and eye contact, have a direct impact on our relationship too. 

Sincere, affirming words have the power to build up our marriage relationship regardless of how we feel.

4. How can I put his or her needs first? 

Our marriage can run the risk of becoming transactional if we choose to prioritise our individual happiness above our spouse’s. The world has conditioned us to think that every relationship should offer some kind of payback.

“What’s in it for me?” “Can my spouse provide me with enough money?” “Will we be able to afford yearly holidays?” reflect attitudes that can prove toxic to a marriage.

Instead, we can shift gears by asking questions like, “How can I serve my spouse?”, “How can I make his or her day special?” and “How can I prioritise my spouse’s needs first?” The adage, “It is better to give than to receive” is definitely applicable to how we treat the one closest to us. 

5. How can I prioritise my marriage more?

Are there any hobbies, people, activities that might be competing with our desire to spend time with our spouse? The year-end holiday season is a good time for couples to reconnect and spend time together. Go on a short vacation or just take time out away from work or the kids.

It is easy to confuse building our families with building our marriages. They are complementary but not the same thing. In fact, spending time to intentionally improve our relationship with our spouse will ensure that our children and family relationships benefit as well. 

Think about:

  • Which marriage question will you mull over this week?

Help Your Child Overcome the Fear of Failure

“Just tell me if my answer is correct.”

My daughter was getting increasingly exasperated as she knew I wasn’t feeding her with the answers without ensuring that she understood the thought process to solve her Math questions. To her, mistakes are a sign of failure and she wanted to stay a mile away from them.

At the tender age of 10, she is already painfully aware of how negative being labelled as a failure can be. In school, non-performers have been put down by classmates, while praises were lavished on the top scorers.

In contrast, I’ve also heard of schools giving out medals to everyone for participating at Sport Day so no one feels excluded. Both extremes give failure a bad reputation; why do we make failure out to be a dead end?

While we want our children to be successful in their endeavours, the last thing we should do is shield them from every obstacle that come their way. If children are never taught how to deal with setbacks, how can they build the resilience to recover from them?

Very often, the fear of failure is worse than actual failure itself as it creates anxiety and hinders our children from trying new things. In order for children to overcome the fear of failure, we must equip them with a healthy perspective of failure.

1. Teach them that failures are building blocks to success

What if we taught our children that failures are essential to success? And that in order to succeed, failures have to be part of the equation.

We can take on the role of a coach. Instead of taking over their problems, help them to evaluate the problem, brainstorm possible solutions, and gently point out their blind spots or where they can improve.

With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes. They will likely also learn to approach difficult situations from different angles, helping them to be more creative and persistent at problem-solving.

With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes.

2. Emphasise on progress, not perfection

Children often get disheartened when they see that they are not doing as well as others, but we can help them to focus on the progress they have made. Recognise the efforts they have put in and assure them that if they continue trying, they will be able to get there.

Encourage them not to give up just because they have not achieved their goal yet. It just means that there is room for improvement and growth.

3. Temper our reactions towards failures

Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.

Instead of saying, “You just need to try harder next time,” we can be more empathetic in our response by saying, “I know you trained hard for the trials and I’m sorry you didn’t get into the team. Do you want to talk about it?”

Our reaction to the setbacks that our children experience shapes their mindset towards failures. If we are always looking for someone to blame, children may try to find an excuse when things don’t go as planned. By responding with more compassion, we are teaching them to take personal responsibility towards failure.

Growing their self-awareness will also put them in a better position to pick themselves up after a fall. If they were unprepared for their test, ask if they felt they had put in enough time and effort on their revision, and if not, what they can do next time. If they were overlooked for a leadership role, ask what areas they think they can work on for the next round of selection.

Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.

4. Emphasise that they are not defined by failures

For self-esteem to flourish, children need to know they are not defined by their success or failure. Similarly, we must recognise that our children’s success or failure do not define us as well.

While we may worry about our children failing at school, being overly caught up with grades can be suffocating and disempowering for children when they feel they are not measuring up.

As parents, we have to have a realistic view of our children’s abilities and set our expectations accordingly. By learning what motivates them, we can activate our children’s inner drive instead of making them do well to please us.

We can also be vulnerable and share our personal stories of disappointments we face at work. Insodoing, we are normalising failure and modelling to our kids so they can see how to cope with and overcome setbacks.

Failures can be painful but learning to change the conversations we have about failure will help reframe how our children perceive failure. With a more positive and growth-oriented mindset, they will be in a stronger position to overcome challenges in the future.

Think about:

  • How will you talk about failure with your child this coming week?

Working From Home with Kids

What first comes to your mind when you think about working from home? Do you imagine it will be more difficult to get work done or do you think it will be a less pressurising way of working? While telecommuting has its perks, like time saved from travelling, it definitely has its own set of challenges as well.

To limit the spread of COVID-19, many working parents are now working from home. With students doing home-based learning, our school-going kids are home at the very same time we are figuring out this new work arrangement. Distractions and interruptions can come more easily, potentially impacting our productiveness.

As you work towards a new norm with work and family life, consider how these 6 Rs could help you create a more successful and less stressful environment for everyone in the family!

1. Ritual

Before the new measure of working from home was implemented, the “ritual” of getting ready for the day and commuting helps us to shift to “work mode” by the time we get to our workplaces. It would be helpful to create something similar even when we work from home—stick to a standard waking up time for everyone, continue to do the usual morning rituals of showering and breakfast with the kids.

Some people find it helpful to change into clothing that’s slightly more like their usual work wear. Pro-tip: wearing pajamas won’t help you feel productive!

Others mentally prepare themselves for work while doing some exercises or having a cup of coffee before they start the work day. Continue these morning rituals, set a time for work or school to start and keep to it every day as well as you can.

2. Room

There are those who can get productive work done when propped up in bed, but for most of us, that may not be conducive—especially when the kids or work kept us up late the night before!

Set up a well-lit designated workspace in your home that allows you to have good sitting posture and minimal distractions. Try to avoid spaces that might draw you toward doing something else, like the bedroom or kitchen. Parents of younger children may need to work near their children, so as to keep an eye on them as they play or nap, while parents of older kids can use a separate room as their “office”.

In the same way, we can set up a space for home-based learning for our kids. Make sure they understand that it’s a space for them to focus on online classes and homework, and not for playing or other activities.

As you consistently utilise these designated spaces every day, you will be drawing “boundaries” for your kids and they will understand that’s Daddy’s or Mummy’s work room or this is where I sit for school time. This adds a sense of our third “R” to their lives.

3. Routine

Just as it is useful to us to know what’s ahead in our work day by planning a schedule that includes time for work, breaks, and meals, our kids would also benefit from having such a routine.

For older children, plan each day’s schedule with or for them. Tell them that just as they have a set of school tasks to finish, Daddy and Mummy also have work tasks to complete, so everyone will have to work together as a family to get our work done. Think of ways you can increase your kids’ ownership over this schedule, say, by letting them write/type or decorate it. Then put it up where it can be easily seen, and follow it as closely as possible.

For toddlers, printing out visual cue cards can be a great way to communicate schedule. You can print out photos of what you want to fill their day with—whether playing, reading, eating, sleeping—and stick it somewhere prominently. Every time you move on to the next slot, remove the former card and make a big deal about the new card. You can even put a timer on if you like and every time the timer goes off, it signals the time for the next activity.

If you have children who are too young to keep themselves engaged while you’re working, you may need to plan your schedule around their routine, say, naps, meals, playtimes, and baths. This may mean starting work earlier before they wake, taking breaks during the moments when they need you most, and returning to work after they have gone to bed.

There’s no perfect routine—take time to experiment with different approaches before settling into a rhythm that works for your family.

4. Restraint

Self-discipline has been found to be key for those who work well from home. After we’ve planned our schedule, we need to stick to it to concentrate on our goals for the day. That means not doing lots of housework or heading out for a long trip in the middle of the work day!

When we practise self-discipline, we are also setting an example for our children on how to set limits on themselves. It’s important for parents to explain to their kids that when Daddy and Mummy are in their workspaces, they need to be able to focus, and so they cannot be interrupted frequently, unless it’s an emergency (and communicate what constitutes one)!

If you find that they are interrupting your work too often, you can give them a quota on the number of requests they can make when you are at work. Through this, they can learn some self-discipline by deciding which requests or questions they really need to ask and which ones can wait until later.

5. Rest

Let your children know that throughout the day, you’re going to take regular breaks and stick to them. During break times, engage with them—and be present! At the end of each break, remind them that you’ll be going back to work and will join them again at your next break.

Kids who are old enough to work independently can usually concentrate for about 30–45 minutes at a time, with 5–15 minute breaks in between. You may like to use a timer to help you and your kids keep track of time.

Give them permission to have more active indoor activities to release the energy that builds up when they’ve been sitting for long periods of time.

Remember that you need to get away from your desk from time to time, too—a good break does wonders for productivity!

6. Rewards

Finally, remember that this arrangement is new for your children. So be intentional in affirming your children when they have put in effort to stick to their schedule and the limits you’ve set.

Older children are able to understand the principle of delayed gratification: that doing their learning and homework first will have benefits later. Help them to understand the importance of sticking to a schedule to get a reward later on. Then, plan a surprise and spring it on them sometime during the week when they’re least expecting it. This will better reinforce their positive behaviour, which you will hopefully see more of with time.

You can also have a reward system where they get points for age-appropriate good behaviour and they get to redeem rewards (bubble tea, fast food meals, more TV time, etc.) with the points.

And don’t forget to affirm and reward yourself, too! This arrangement is a learning journey for you as well, and there would be tough spots along the way as you figure out what is best for you and your kids. When you hit upon something that works well for the whole family, that’s worth celebrating!

As we work on these aspects of Ritual, Room, Routine, Restraint, Rest, and Rewards, may we also discover the joy in connecting with our children in new ways!

Adapted from Staying Sane while Working from Home with Kids by Joannie Debrito ©️ 2020 All rights reserved. Used with permission from Focus on the Family.

How to Help Your Teens Cope with Bad News

The news of the tragic incident at River Valley High School (CNA, 19 Jul) brought shock and caused concern to many of us this Monday afternoon. Reading the messages that were sent through my various parent chat groups, I could hardly believe what I was seeing.

“Is this real,” I wondered to myself, as I allowed the weight of the news to sink into my heart. The parties involved are merely teens, youth who belong to families of their own. “What could have possibly gone wrong?”

When tragedy strikes close to home, it is often difficult to detach from the event. We cannot wave this off as something that happened in another part of the world. If as adults, we struggle to deal with bad news, what more for our teens?

Perhaps the only way to cope with this is to walk through it with them.

How to talk about tragedy with your teen

The unfortunate incident happened at an IP (Integrated Programme) school, meaning the children most closely involved in the case or who witnessed/heard about it are aged from 12 to 18 years.

Although some details of the case have not been brought to light yet, we can already start thinking about how we can help our teens process the news. Here, we will need to first consider the different personalities of our teens.

You may be able to identify your child among the following personality types:

  • Doers want to protest or create new laws or programmes.
  • Talkers want ongoing discussions about what happened and the possible core issues.
  • Thinkers process what they know about the tragedy and may form deep thoughts about solutions. This personality tends to be a bit more pessimistic and may make negative comments about the overall trustworthiness of people. You may want to give your thinker some space before approaching them.
  • Peacemakers would love for everyone to get along. They could usually empathise with everyone involved and would avoid conflict and opinionated discussions.

Help your teen understand his/her own personality and how it affects the way he/she processes information. You can also encourage him/her not to rush to a conclusion, and to be open to other points of view.

What can parents of teens say/do?

Kids, especially teens, want to know what to do in response to a tragedy. As parents, we will do well to connect with them at the heart level and coach them to:

Practice discernment together

We live in a culture that thrives on disseminating information quickly. While speed is of the essence when it comes to news, how do we really tell that what we are sharing on WhatsApp or Telegram is indeed true and factual?

We often think it’s just a message and it’s just a small group of people we’re sending it to, but it could end up muddying the facts or worse, hurting the people who are closely connected to the case.

How can we better discern the facts before spreading them?

Look at the events through your child’s eyes

Each child filters news differently according to his or her personality. Kids with more inhibited or anxious personalities may stay focused on worrying while others move toward thoughts of action or fixing. Taking time to understand how each child processes the news will help you craft your approach.

If you have an anxious child under your wing, it may help to give them the space to air their feelings and worries. Or even to write them down in a journal.

Encourage honesty

Encourage your child to be honest with his emotions. It can help to use simple analogies to present the importance of facing our feelings. Take for example a wound. A wound needs to be cleaned and exposed to air (even through a bandage) to heal. It can be painful to clean a fresh wound, but doing so allows it to get better.

A child may develop behaviours that numb their fears or hurts. Social withdrawal, passivity, aggressiveness, rebellion or busyness may be used to push the negative feelings away but they may never be fully resolved.

Pause and listen

Let your child ask questions. Put aside your own world to enter his as he tries to process information. If he feels anxious, reassure him. Don’t brush aside their emotions. Instead, help them identify it and manage it. If we dismiss their emotions, we lose a precious teaching moment.

Practice empathy

Developing empathy helps our kids grow up and expands their world. It’s part of understanding that our own selves and our families are not the centre of the world but there’s a bigger world outside of our home and many people live in different circumstances.

Ask questions like:

  • How do you think they may feel?
  • Is there anything we could do to help?

Such questions help our children learn to feel empathy for those involved in the tragedy, and also think of solutions and to play their part in the larger good.

As parents, we are human beings too—we grapple with the same difficult emotions that our children feel. Instead of thinking we need to have all the answers to the most difficult questions in the world, or that we need to have the solutions, perhaps we just need to be present with them in their time of need and confusion. And face up to our worries and fears together.

Adapted from How to Help Your Kids Process Tragic News by Danny Huerta © 2018 All rights reserved. Used with permission from Focus on the Family.

How to Overcome Personality Differences in Marriage?

I attended two weddings at the beginning of the year. As I witnessed these two lovely couples (both of the bridegrooms were my mentees) entering into holy matrimony, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own marriage and the years that my wife Donna and I had been married.

How did we survive those years?

How is it that I now love her more than when we first started?

Well, one thing is for sure. It is not enough to marry the one we love. We must love the one we marry. 26 years ago, I married the one I loved. Today, I am still loving the one I had married.

Meltdowns are not manipulative, and are usually not within the child’s control. 

‘A lot of give and take’

When I was asked at the second wedding to say a few words to the married couple, I looked into their eyes and offered this advice: “You must learn how to give and take.” I went on to say, “Kenny, you give and she takes.” Almost everyone in the room burst into laughter.

I explained, “When it comes to wardrobe space, you give her 70%, and you make do with 30%. As for shoe rack space? She 80 and you 20.”

I love books, so in our case, 80 to me, and 20 to my wife.

How did our marriage last 26 years? The answer: A lot of give and take.

We are so different, yet we managed to live under the same roof and sleep on the same bed, for all these years. Speaking about sleeping on the same bed, I didn’t know that the number of blankets is also an issue for discussion between married couples.

A few days after the first couple got married, I met with them and 3 other friends for lunch. When I asked the newlyweds how married life was, my mentee asked, “Do you use 1 blanket or 2 blankets?”

One immediate response was, “Why would you want to use 1 blanket? Having a good sleep is more important.”

We had a healthy discussion and managed to reach a conclusion before our food was served. The conclusion was this: As long as we sleep on the same bed, whether we use our own blanket or share a blanket is not so important.

All this while, I was listening with fascination. The reason is that my wife and I don’t use blankets. We use the quilt. I shared with them that my problem is not with blankets or quilts, but with the air-con. My wife can’t stand hot and I can’t stand cold. So this is what happens on some nights – my wife will switch on the aircon. When it gets too cold (for me), I’d get up half asleep and switch off the aircon and go back to sleep. A while later, my wife will get up and look for the remote control to switch on the aircon again. An hour or so later, I will get up to switch it off. I am fine with this except on those occasions when I can’t find the remote control in the dark!

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Donna and I are exact opposites in many aspects – she likes to throw things away, I like to keep stuff; her side of the table is neat and tidy, my side is usually messy; she is an extrovert, I an introvert; she can’t stand the sun, I enjoy the outdoors; she manages money well, I can’t even write a cheque.

Over the years, we have learned to work things out. For example, we have learnt to like what the other person likes. I didn’t like raw food when we first met. Now, I love sashimi.

Importantly, we don’t fuss over the small stuff.

Over the years, we have learned to work things out. Importantly, we don’t fuss over the small stuff.

Appreciating differences

My wife is a go-getter and is very task-oriented. Now she is more patient and does not see the need to be in control all the time.

What happened? Well, as the saying goes – “the two shall become one”. For Donna, my calm demeanour has helped her to be less stressed. I reckon I am also a better man now as her constant reminders has helped me to be less laid back and relaxed.

As for cleanliness, I have become neater, as my wife is a very neat person. On the other hand, she has also learnt to tolerate a bit of messiness by sharing the same room, cupboard space, study table, and shelves with a “not so tidy” man.

For Donna, my calm demeanour has helped her to be less stressed. I reckon I am also a better man now as her constant reminders has helped me to be less laid back and relaxed.

Walking the middle ground in parenting

Our children, Sarah and Samuel, are now 23 and 18 years old. Right at the start, Donna and I agreed that we should give them these three things:

  1. Values to live right
  2. Music to worship
  3. Language to communicate with different cultures

We did the first two reasonably well. However, their Chinese is just as bad as ours. I guess the lesson here is that we do not just need common goals when raising children, we also need to be realistic. (We don’t even speak Chinese at home so how can we expect them to do so?)

There will be disagreements when raising children, especially when it comes to academics, tuition, and time for studies vs other things in life.

My wife places a much heavier emphasis on academics than I do. Because of my background as a prison officer, I know that there are some very smart people locked up in the prisons too. So to me, good values are more important than excellent grades.

My wife is protective of our children, and does not like to see them experience failure. As for me, I believe in giving my children permission to fail, and to learn from failure as it builds resilience.

Over the years, we have come to a middle ground and my wife has learned to let go. I have also learned to provide the emotional support to enable her to do this.

Negotiating our differences and coming to a compromise isn’t an easy task. But it helps that we share our thoughts with each other in respectful ways, and give grace when we falter.

It is not enough to marry the one we love. We must love the one we marry.

I asked this question at the beginning. “How is it that I now love her more than when we first started?”

The answer to that is perhaps my biggest lesson of all: It is not enough to marry the one we love. We must love the one we marry.

Also, having two aircon controllers help.

This article was written by Jason Wong.

Is It Possible to Change a Person’s Sex?

Tween & teen years

No. A person’s sex cannot be changed. Biological sex is determined at conception (genotype) and during the baby’s development in the womb (phenotype). 

Sex differences are expressed in many bodily systems and organs, not just what can be seen and observed by the human eye. While it is possible to change many areas of our lives, such as our dressing, hobbies, diet, or friends, it is not possible to change one’s biological sex. 

It is possible, however, to change a person’s outward appearance.  

Some people may use clothing, accessories and make-up to modify how they look. For example, a female might bind her chest in order to reduce breast visibility. However, it is also important to note that chest-binding is associated with negative symptoms such as rib pain or musculoskeletal symptoms (Jarrett et al., 2018).  

Others may take sex hormones (oestrogen and testosterone) or turn to cosmetic surgery to further alter their appearance. These actions are taken as part of a process known as “medical transitioning”, but they do not change a person’s underlying biological sex. 

Emerging years

What about gender dysphoria? 

The word “dysphoria” is a clinical term for a sense of unease or distress when one experiences a mismatch between their gender identity and biological sex.  

There are three types of gender dysphoria: 

Early onset gender dysphoria typically begins in early childhood, usually between the ages of 2 and 4. According to Psychology Today, only a small number of children with gender dysphoria will continue to experience symptoms in later adolescence or adulthood.  

Late onset gender dysphoria first appears in early to mid-adulthood. Persons who experience late onset gender dysphoria are almost exclusively male. This may simply involve experiencing sexual arousal through dressing as a woman, but it can also involve medical transitioning and living as a female. 

Rapid onset gender dysphoria, an increasing social phenomenon, affects adolescents who have identified with their own biological sex for years, then decide they want to change genders and sometimes alter their bodies.  

This developmental problem, which seems to predominantly affect adolescent females, is said to be associated with social influences such as:  

  • Social media influencers embracing and celebrating the idea of gender fluidity. 
  • Peers embracing transgender behaviour as popular and as an avenue for social celebration. 

If you suspect your child may be experiencing gender dysphoria, it is important to acknowledge their struggles and to seek therapeutic help. Approach them from a posture of listening, gentleness and patience.  

Be present with them when they are willing to share and be open about their thoughts and experiences, while also remembering that loving your child need not mean you have to affirm and agree with everything they do. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Why is Porn So Readily Accessible?

Why is Porn So Readily Accessible? 

In a previous article where we explored “Why is porn so addictive?”, the pervasiveness of porn came up as a contributing factor because of how easily accessible they have become today. A quick look at the figures published by a cybersecurity company underscores the extent of this accessibility: 

Every Second: 

  • 28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet. 
  • $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet. 

In this follow-up piece, we will explore “Why is porn so easily accessible?” by taking a deep dive into the forces that drive the proliferation of porn, and offer a few practical handles for kids in dealing with such exposure. 

The ubiquity of technology and devices 

There is no doubt that technology has greatly changed the way we live. For example, we certainly enjoy numerous conveniences and entertainment the Internet brings us – ordering our favourite dinner and embarking on a professional development course are now just a few clicks away. Lockdowns and quarantines during Covid years have only deepened the intensity and accelerated the rate of our digital connection. However, the flip side of having such a high connectivity, also means that it is probably easier to access sexually explicit materials than to avoid them.  

In the early 2000s, porn used to be contained in age-restricted print materials and subscription-based platforms. It was a service only paying customers could access. This was the chief revenue model for the porn industry, until video-streaming platforms started to revolutionise the way we consume information and entertainment.  

Inspired by YouTube’s success, the porn industry was swift in adapting to streaming platforms that were not only free for any user to access, but also offered better means of generating revenue for companies. 

Given how much of our lives both at home and at work now relies on staying connected, it would be unimaginable for one to be without a device. Yet, we often forget the tremendous power of connectivity this small device yields. A double-edged sword hidden in pockets, our devices have opened us up to the very best technology has to offer, while proving to be equally, if not more, dangerous, at the same time.  

Under Singapore Law, it is illegal for an individual to keep, possess, or download porn. Although IMDA has banned approximately 100 websites as a token gesture of disapproval, it is not illegal to watch or stream pornographic content online. That means any child with a connected device will still be able to easily access or stumble upon porn at the click of a button, in the absence of rigorous parental controls. 

A profit-driven entity at its finest 

Revenue estimates for the porn industry vary widely, and understandably so. Not only is it impossible to obtain accurate figures from privately-held porn companies, it is also challenging to account for the entire porn industry. For instance, the membership platform, “OnlyFans”, has become synonymous with porn even though it was originally meant for creators to directly monetise their content, adult or not.  

The steady rise of individual porn creators through such membership platforms further complicates the effort to obtain an accurate estimate to how much the industry is really worth. Nonetheless, several estimates clearly put it as a multi-billion-dollar industry.  

To understand how the rest of the porn industry continues to generate revenue despite offering free-to-stream videos, we need to first understand how porn advertising works. They do not work the same way as advertising for a handbag or a pair of shoes.  

Since porn companies are blocked from advertising on traditional media outlets, they have only other porn companies to turn to, for their advertising. For perspective, Pornhub’s annual report revealed a staggering 42 billion visitors in 2019 alone, reflecting a very robust base of potential consumers that could be funnelled through advertising into another paid porn site. In other words, Pornhub receives lucrative advertising fees in return for offering free-to-stream videos.  

Apart from advertising dollars, porn companies are also able to monetise user data and profiling that they capture from their online visitors. For these reasons, porn companies are motivated and invested to continue offering free content that generates the highest possible viewership, because every click on their website translates to dollars and cents.  

Practical handles for when your child is exposed to porn 

In the effort to safeguard our children, some of us turn to parental control apps on their devices. However, even the best app will fail, as Google search engine reminds us that there are always creative ways to bypass restrictions.  

If there is one thing parental control apps are good for, it is buying us time for building up a more reliable “internal filter” in our children, and time for teaching them practical handles to deal with exposure to porn.  

A few practical handles include (when speaking directly to your child):  

  1. Look away immediately – Close the laptop or put down the device and walk away immediately. Resist the urge to linger or dwell on the image/video.

     

  2. Look to daddy or mommy – Seek out daddy or mommy in person, or if not possible, reach out to one of us as soon as possible via a phone call. You are not in trouble for being exposed to porn, you can always approach us. 

     

  3. Share what you saw – Let us know what you saw, how the images made you feel, and if you have any questions. We will journey through this together.  

Porn may be more accessible than ever, but as parents, we have greater influence when we ensure that our presence and guidance are even more accessible in our children’s lives.  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What Happens When We Truly Listen To Our Spouse

Thriving in your marriage is not a science, it’s an art.

Like all relationships, marriage ebbs and flows through time and personal challenges and growth.

Through all the changes, the art of listening can affect a marriage’s strength. Gaius and Herng Wei, married for over 8 years and parents to two children aged 4 and 6, share with us their own insights and tips into this art.

1. Turn towards, not against

When the couple discovered their firstborn would be born with a congenital heart issue, they were thrown into a period of distress.

“When we received the diagnosis during the pregnancy, Gaius supported me in very practical ways like making sure I have my meals. I remember days when I said, ‘I don’t even feel functional today,’ and he would come back to make sure I have my lunch,” shared Herng Wei.

Gaius said, “That was a challenging time but thankfully, we chose to walk closer and not apart. It was a subconscious decision but looking back, thank God, we decided we could express our vulnerabilities and fears to each other.”

The fact that they had each other to turn to and communicate with was the reason this difficult season somehow got transformed into – in Herng Wei’s words – “a bonding time” instead.

When going through periods of stress and fear, do you turn towards your spouse or turn against them by shutting down or taking out your emotional turmoil on them?

Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.

2. Expressing yourself authentically

The art of listening and communicating functions much like a mirror. If one is willing to listen but the other is not committed to share their feelings on a deeper level, the connection will still be lacking. But when one spouse chooses to communicate vulnerably, it can spark a desire in the other to do the same. This can form the beginning of healthy emotional connection that strengthens the foundation of your relationship.

Expressing yourself in your marriage should go beyond talking about routine matters, like what’s for dinner, who’s picking up kids, or what did the kids do in school.

Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.

As Gaius shared, “There have been multiple occasions when she would say, ‘Hey, we are not connecting.’ The fact that it crops up so many times means I have not got it yet. Whenever she tells me we need to connect or I need you to listen to me, I would try to find the time to listen to her. I think of it as a cry to listen to her thoughts. If the other spouse can’t listen, then we have to ask questions to find out if there are other reasons like emotional or physical needs not being met.”

“When someone listens to me, I feel loved. It tells me that what I’m feeling is valid,” explained Herng Wei.

It is also important that no one takes these requests personally or as an accusation that one is not working hard at the relationship.

“We have to respond in a manner that’s appropriate and respectful to consciously create a safe place for the other person to talk,” added Gaius.

The magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them fix a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.

3. Carving out quality time

But of course, expressing yourself at the wrong times can be unhelpful. Like talking about an issue during the early morning rush to get out the door, or when one spouse is obviously tired and you “won’t have them 100 percent”.

Gaius and Herng Wei shared how they have adapted their communication style after marriage and kids.

“When we were still dating, we coined this term, ‘RTC’ or real time communication. Maybe because we were still dating and we had more time to address any issues immediately because we hoped to see the whole picture and get to know each other,” said Herng Wei.

“Now, there’s some delay,” laughed Gaius.

But on the flip side, this also works to help each other become calm to ensure a conversation is gainful.

“Gaius once shared that he realised after marriage, his highs are higher and his lows are lower,” said Herng Wei, adding that the magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them find a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.

Gaius pointed out a universal challenge that every modern-day couple probably faces – time. He shared, “The challenge has always been to carve out a window of time. People don’t ask you ‘are you available to listen’? They just say, ‘Papa, this or that’ or ‘darling, this or that’, and I need to prioritise them.”

He manages his priorities by recognising that work and other demands will always be there, but we still have to carve out time for our marriage.

What has really helped Gaius and Herng Wei is fixing a time daily where they can connect.

“We try to do evening walks every day. That’s our undistracted time to talk. It’s about 45 minutes each time and we don’t have our phones with us,” said Gaius.

This omits distractions that can affect quality time together and is a key to keeping the marriage growing.

Said Gaius, “We tend to think what’s before marriage is the same as what’s after marriage but it’s not. We need to set aside time to communicate sometime, someplace, somewhere.”

Food for thought for couples shared by Gaius and Herng Wei indeed. Would you too set aside time today to communicate and connect with your spouse heart-to-heart?

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Is the Internet Parenting My Child?

Unlike my generation who grew up with a more gradual pace of technological advancement, my children were born into an age of widespread Internet connectivity, and have hence interacted with the online world from a much younger age.  

One harrowing encounter we had was when we allowed our 4-year-old son to use a smart phone app to help him build with Lego. Moments into scrolling through blueprints, he came over with the phone and asked me for help. It turned out that he had accidentally clicked the subscription button and almost paid the fees for a premium plan!  

Besides this incident, the prominence of Internet technologies in the home exposes our children to other risks, including online safety, graphic content, privacy, and so on. However, such technologies also possess great potential for our children’s development.  

How then do we strike a balance in using technology with our kids? Based on our experiences, we have learnt the following principles: 

1. Lead by example 

Children often reflect their parents’ behaviours, and just as we hope they will pick up our good habits, they also catch our device habits from us. Even if we were attending to important matters on our phones, our children would interpret our actions as valuing device usage over relating to them.  

It is important to first be disciplined with device usage ourselves before expecting it of our children. Hence, we try to remain device-free during specific periods of the day, such as during mealtimes, reading time and playtime. My wife and I also try to ensure each of us have sufficient time to attend to our work responsibilities, so we can be less distracted when it is time to be present with our children. 

As parents, we should be role models of good device usage to our children. 

2. Build socialisation and outdoor time into family routines 

One of the best ways to help the family stay unplugged is to build it into family routines. We meet with family and friends about once or twice a week for playtime and catch-ups. We also take our children outdoors regularly, be it walks in the park, playground time or even errand runs to expose them to active lifestyles. This encourages them to move away from online media and towards physical and social activities.  

However, because we carry the Internet in our pockets, the challenge is limiting device usage while out and about too! We should remind ourselves to keep our phones away as far as possible (unless expecting urgent calls), and immerse ourselves in the moment. 

3. Set reasonable boundaries

With online media being widely available and accessible, it is unrealistic to cut it out of our children’s lives completely. Instead, we aim for moderation by setting reasonable limits on screen time.  

For example, most online content exceeds 5 minutes. If we wouldn’t watch 5 minutes of Netflix at a time, we shouldn’t impose this on our children! A useful benchmark is to stay within guidelines by KKH, which recommends screen time of 1 hour and below per day for children aged 18 months to 3 years.  

There are also child-safe apps that help keep our children safe online. For example, YouTube Kids is curated with age-appropriate content and offers more parental controls than the standard YouTube app. Parents may also use screen-pinning on their phones to prevent children from accessing other apps or functions during screen time.  

When children are meaningfully absorbed in their preferred tools of offline play, they will be less drawn to online entertainment. 

4. Invest in a variety of play methods that suit your children 

When our children are meaningfully occupied with their preferred tools of play, it is easier for them to rely less on devices for entertainment. Our son enjoys playing with Lego, which keeps him offline and occupied for long periods while helping him develop creativity and motor skills. 

It is important to find toys that our children enjoy and that are challenging enough to keep them engaged. For example, we intentionally curate our son’s Lego sets by looking for themes that our son would be interested in, and have an age-appropriate difficulty level.  

5. Take advantage of the benefits of technology

Although the Internet comes with many risks, it is also a powerful educational tool when used appropriately. There are far more educational content options than we ever had in the past.  

We should use this to our advantage as far as possible. Our son has picked up a wide variety of knowledge and skills from watching various programmes online, including art (e.g., drawing and craft), culinary skills (e.g., cooking demonstration videos), language, as well as math and science. When used within healthy limits and with close guidance, online technologies can be a rich source of knowledge and exposure for our children. 

Remaining connected to our children 

It can seem an impossible task to free ourselves from the grip of connectivity in our homes, since there is no manual for how to raise children in the Internet age. At the end of the day, however, technology should be seen as a tool. Our role as parents is to set safe boundaries around the use of technology, manage its risks, and enable our children to draw from its benefits.  

Ultimately, there is no replacement for our role as parents in the family. What our children need to grow into healthy and well-regulated individuals is for us to be present and loving in their lives. In a world where our attention is constantly being competed for, let us challenge ourselves to develop the most important connection of all —that with our children.  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.