Resource Type: Articles

Are You A Controlling Spouse?

  • Do you find yourself constantly trying to control what your partner does and how they do go about their tasks?
  • Do you get upset or angry if things are not done specifically how you want them to be done?
  • Do you often criticise or are judgemental towards your spouse?
  • Does your spouse complain that you are controlling?
  • Do you get your way by using the silent treatment or threats?
  • Do you often make decisions for your spouse without consulting them?

If your answers are mostly “yes”, there is a high chance that you are controlling the relationship.

1. What’s behind controlling behaviours?

No one likes to admit that they are the “controller” in their marriage.

We get defensive when our spouse says that we are controlling. We may even believe that our controlling behaviours come from a good place because we care about the well-being of our spouse and the relationship.

While our intentions may be well-meaning and our concerns valid, it is important to realise that being overly controlling can do more harm than good to the relationship. No one likes to be micromanaged, especially not our spouse. If left unchecked, controlling behaviour can erode trust and gradually push the person closest to us away.

Controlling behaviours often stem from trust issues and are exacerbated by fear and anxiety. The causes can range from deep-seated personal issues, unhealthy habits, unresolved emotional wounds, negative family modelling, and insecure attachments, to irrational beliefs about others, self, and life.

Perhaps you grew up in a family where you experienced rejection instead of unconditional acceptance. This could have resulted in dysfunctional relationship models that you unconsciously picked up and replicated in your own behaviour.

If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.

You may hold irrational beliefs or fall into thinking traps that increase your fear or anxiety to unhealthy levels. For example, you might think that when your spouse disagrees with you on an important matter, it signifies rejection, and damages your self-esteem. So, you may give your spouse the silent treatment or demand that he/she aligns with you instead of embracing the value of differing viewpoints.

Or perhaps your personality is such that you expect compliance from your family. You feel secure and comfortable only when you are in charge.

There can be a variety of reasons why a person exhibits controlling behaviours.

Understanding the root causes of one’s controlling tendencies is not about inducing guilt or punishing oneself, but rather gaining insights into how to address them. It’s crucial to recognise and understand our need for control. Without this recognition, it becomes difficult to engage in the process of change and growth.

If you think you need help to uncover the causes of your controlling behaviour and to make changes to strengthen your marriage, consider seeing a relationship coach or a counsellor.

Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.

2. Practical steps to take

There are also practical steps you can take to help you loosen the reins and improve your relationship:

1. Work on yourself first

Being controlling is usually a coping mechanism for anxiety. It is not uncommon that we project our undesirable attitudes onto our spouse when we feel lousy about ourselves. If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.

2. Accept your spouse unconditionally

Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.

3. Learn to manage stress well

When we feel overwhelmed by life events and situations, we can become controlling towards others as a way of coping with our insecurities. So, if anxiety is fuelling your controlling behaviours, you can alleviate it by working on your stress management skills.

4. Examine irrational beliefs

When you notice that you’re starting to exhibit controlling behaviours, ask yourself: What about this situation is making me scared or worried? What am I afraid of? When you are able to press “pause” and become more self-aware, it will help you to let go.

It takes courage to admit that we are the controller in the marriage, especially if it is feedback from our spouse.

If left unchecked, controlling behaviours often do more harm than good to your marriage. It is thus important to first acknowledge the behaviour is unhelpful, and then identify the causes behind it so that you can work towards positive and sustainable change.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

10 Essential Ways to Prepare for Parenthood

Getting the news that one is going to become a mother or father for the first time may send a flurry of excitement and butterflies all at the same time. Envisioning our cute little bundle in our arms, we read up voraciously, google online for tips on what to expect with each pregnancy week. We browse through baby catalogues and shop online for the best baby equipment to ease our little one in. We spend time mulling over plans for the new nursery and all sorts of new parent dilemmas.  

In the heart of every well-meaning parent is the question: How do we REALLY prepare for parenthood? 

Here are 10 essential things you may want to consider.

1. Prepare financially

First, let’s deal with practical aspects. Having financial stability and healthy financial habits play a significant role in preparing for parenthood, especially in Singapore. So this may be a good time to sit down to discuss with your spouse the immediate, mid-term and long-term needs of your family.  

Family budgeting and planning is an essential habit that will serve you well at every stage of the parenting journey. Account for all the major expenses, including healthcare, education, childcare and daily living costs and consider if there’s a need to reconfigure some funds to support your family through the different life stages.  

Personally, being prudent in the early years of parenting has helped us stretch our dollars. My husband and I welcomed hand-me-down clothes and toys and other essential baby items that served us well for short periods of the children’s growth. This helped us bolster our savings for big-ticket expenses like health insurance, medical treatments or family holidays. 

2. Simplify your schedules

Second, unpack your schedules where possible to have sufficient rest and recovery time, especially for the first six months. It may also be good to discuss with your spouse how your family will transition through the early years of parenthood where you might need more help and support.  

Parental leave policies are well-established in Singapore and can be instrumental in helping you ease into the first few years of parenting.   

Realistically, we will struggle to do it all without trading off something else like our own sleep or wellbeing. 

3. Recognise your limits 

For new parents, the fuss and attention often goes to the baby’s well-being. We may want to live up to the supermum or dad ideal, yet we only have 24 hours in a day. Realistically, we will struggle to do it all without trading off something else like our own sleep or wellbeing. Finding breathing space in the first few months is critical for our wellbeing as we navigate the changes as a family. 

My husband and I agreed that I would take 6 months off full-time work to care for our firstborn and also to help me manage my rest and new responsibilities like nursing and baby-care.  

We also decided to engage post-natal confinement help for our earlier children when we were less experienced parents to help ease us in our learning curve. Having an extra hand helped us free up time from cooking and chores, and allowed us to rest and recuperate more.  

4. Foster emotional support 

Emotional readiness and mental resilience is crucial for all prospective parents. Parenthood comes with a myriad of challenges and changes, from sleepless nights to balancing work-life demands. The deep joy and responsibility that comes with raising a child also comes a hair-raising spectrum of emotions: self-doubt, worry, overwhelm and even disappointment.  

Building a strong support system of family, friends, experienced parents and parenting communities can help gird us with the ability to manage better the emotional ups and downs.  

5. Expect stress  

Becoming a parent is a major life transition. Any kind of transition, no matter how well equipped or prepared, entails some degree of stress. Despite our best intentions and preparations, we will probably need to be open to adjust our plans as we go along. Revise your expectations of yourself as you adjust to the new demands. 

Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it, as a small break from the routine can go a long way. 

6. Accept help, gladly 

We can’t do it all – even if we wanted to. Family, relatives, friends, neighbours and even co-workers are often more than happy to help, if you let them know what you need. It could be as simple as a short time out to nap, shower, or take a trip to the supermarket while someone you trust cares for your baby. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it, as a small break from the routine can go a long way. 

7. Trust yourself 

At heart, you WILL know what’s best for your baby. Filter through the mountains of solicited or unsolicited advice you’ll receive from friends, relatives, strangers, doctors and parenting blogs. Give ideas that sound good to you a shot and forget about the rest.  

8. Be kind to yourself  

 Parenting guilt often cripples us. We need to face the fact that no matter how much we prepare, we WILL make mistakes. There’s no manual on how to parent your children right. Even “experts” often disagree about what’s best for baby and no one can give us all the answers. As your baby grows, their needs will evolve and so will our parenting. Continue to learn and relearn from your experiences while embracing the process. 

Consider negotiating with employers on flexible work arrangements so that you can be there for your child’s milestones. 

9. Aim for balance 

In the longer term, carving out a healthy work-life balance is imperative for parents especially with Singapore’s fast-paced lifestyle and work culture.  

Consider negotiating with employers on flexible work arrangements so that you can be there for your child’s milestones. Prioritise family time by scheduling bonding activities on weekends, creating family traditions, and capturing precious moments.

10. Enjoy your baby AND your spouse 

Do not forget that even as you go through this journey of parenthood, your spouse is also growing along with you. While the baby may demand most of your time in the early days, remember to cultivate some meaningful time alone with your partner. Share about your hopes and fears, how things have changed, and how you can better support each other.  

Parenthood is a life-changing journey – to say the least. As a parent of six, I can say candidly that we can never be fully prepared. 

Even as our children grow, we too grow as individuals in the process, and as we learn through life experiences, we may find ourselves throwing some of our original mindsets out the window! As long as we embrace this journey with patience, support, and a healthy dose of optimism, we will find a way that works best for our family unit!

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

How to Declutter Your Marriage & Travel Light

Tidying up

“The best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don’t.” 

Japanese organisational guru Marie Kondo took the world by storm with her philosophy of tidying up. Instead of going from room to room to declutter your home, Marie suggests tidying up systematically by category, keeping only the things that speak to your heart and discarding those that no longer spark joy. Advocates of the Marie Kondo method have described her ideas as revolutionary, and report feeling more empowered to make clearer decisions based on whether or not an item sparks joy. 

In a similar manner, our marriages also need decluttering. And the longer you are married, the more your marriage needs to be decluttered.

When you say ‘I do’

Let’s travel back in time to the day you got married. You gaze dreamily into the eyes of your beloved; and everything around you seems to fade. You hardly even remember your wedding vows; all you can remember is that somewhere down the line you uttered the simple two words, “I do.” 

At that point in time, everything about your relationship seems to radiate joy — the newness of the marital relationship, the marital home, planning for children.  

But years later, you realise that your marriage has become cluttered with too many things. After all, life is not a fairytale, and there is no such thing as a fairytale marriage. So the grudges, the hurts, the grievances, the resentment all build up and clutter up the marital space. As husband and wife, you do try to tidy up. You try to work on your issues one at a time, but it’s not as easy it you’d hoped it would be.  

Perhaps we can take a leaf from Marie Kondo, and apply some of her tidying rules to our marriage: 

  1. Commit yourself to tidying up 
  2. Imagine your ideal lifestyle
  3. Finish discarding first
  4. Tidy by category not by location
  5. Follow the right order
  6. Ask yourself if it sparks joy

1. Commit yourself to tidying up

If we want our marriages to work, we need to commit to them. My wife and I have been married for more than 15 years, and we have had our fair share of quarrels. But one thing both of us decided early in our marriage is for it to be our first priority, and that no matter what happens, we will stand together for our marriage. If couples commit to making their marriage work, they may be more likely to overcome the challenges that life throws at them.

2. Imagine your ideal lifestyle

What is your ideal marriage? While there is no perfect marriage, there are ideals we can aim for and work towards. Every year, my wife and I ask each other “What is one thing I can do in order to be a better spouse?” We have learnt that if we are able to articulate what we want from our spouse, and if we know what our spouse wants from us, we would then be better prepared to work on our issues and become a better person.

“While there is no perfect marriage, there are ideals we can aim for and work towards.”

3. Finish discarding first

As a counsellor, I know that each of us goes through many struggles. Many of our hurts stem from experiences in our childhood, our families-of-origin or are caused by incidents in school.

We sometimes need help to deal with our past hurts, be it through sharing with a trusted friend, a mentor or a therapist. This is one of the first steps to decluttering our marriage – dealing with the years of trash accumulated even before we got married.

4. Tidy by category not by location

There are so many different aspects of our lives that we could possibly work on. So, where do we begin?   

If finances are an issue, seek a money manager who can help in this area. If you need help with communication issues, perhaps an online class on marital communication would benefit you. As for deeper emotional hurts, seeing a counsellor might be the way forward for you to learn new skills and narratives to process past grievances and resentment.

5. Follow the right order

What is the right order? Marie Kondo states that there is an order in which you declutter your house – first declutter things that are less personal, working your way to the more personal items.  

Likewise, for your marriage, start with the issues that seem obvious to you and your spouse. In counselling terms, these are the “presenting problems”, or issues that appear to be causing the most strain to your marriage.   

As you tackle these problems, the more personal items or “root issues” will gradually surface. Sometimes, it helps to work through these difficult issues with a marital therapist. 

6. Ask yourself if it sparks joy

Do the day-to-day interactions with your spouse spark joy?

If the answer is no, then take time to refocus on other aspects of your relationship that spark joy. Contrary to popular opinion, there is always something new to be discovered in marriage. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson’s Developmental Model of Couples Therapy states that there are four stages in a marriage – the honeymoon, early marriage, middle marriage and long-term marriage periods.

Essentially this means that couples experience different challenges as they go through the different seasons of their marriage. It is important to understand what are the unique challenges that you may be facing right now in your marriage, and intentionally search for things that spark joy for the both of you.

For instance, during the years when your children are young, you could carve out date nights with your spouse. Or when your children are themselves getting married and moving out of the home, you could both learn a new hobby to rekindle the spark.

“It is only when we begin to deal with the past hurts in our lives that we can make space to rekindle joy in our marriage. “

Changing your habits 

“People cannot change their habits without first changing their way of thinking.” 

Old habits die hard. Many couples get trapped in negative ways of dealing with the issues in their marriage. It may be a difficult step to first commit to decluttering our marriage but it is a much-needed one. Perhaps it is only when we begin to deal with the past hurts in our lives that we can make space to rekindle joy in our marriage. 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Playing to My Strengths As A Father

In today’s world, fathers are increasingly expected to play equal roles with mothers in terms of hands-on care. However, many of us grew up in an age where fathers played more traditional roles, leaving childcare mostly to the mothers. Lacking in role models from their own lives, some fathers may find it intimidating to bond with or care for their little ones, or even struggle to juggle both traditional and modern expectations of fathers.  

As a father to two young children, I too have felt inadequate. I often compared myself with mummy, who seems to tackle modern motherhood effortlessly, whether it was bringing home the bacon, cooking, cleaning, or caring for the children. Her list seems infinitely longer than mine! 

Though self-doubt continues to be a struggle, I have come a long way in building my confidence as a father. A time of personal reflection, as well as regular affirmation from my wife, has led me to realise that as a father, I play a unique and irreplaceable role in the family.  

Here are some ways I have learnt to step up in my role as a father.   

“Parents each have unique interests and personalities that can contributed to enriching our children’s development.“

1. Leverage one’s unique personality and interests  

While it is good for parents to recognise our weaknesses and build on them, it should not blind us to our existing strengths. My wife and I have unique interests and personalities that have contributed to enriching our children’s development.  

In terms of interests, my wife exposes the children to arts and crafts, cooking, and applies her experiences as an educator to help them learn subjects such as English. As for myself, I bring my sense of humour and creativity to playtime and storytelling, expose my children to mechanical and open-ended styles of play through toys such as Lego and Transformers, and introduce them to other interests like coffee-making. 

Personality-wise, my wife brings more energy and spontaneity, and a sense of adventure to our outings together while I bring a tender love and warmth to our relationships, which creates an atmosphere of safety and acceptance in the home.  

“Avoid unhealthy comparisons with other parents, and zero in on each other’s strengths and contributions to the family.“

2. Recognise that we contribute to the family differently

It is human nature to compare ourselves to others, especially in terms of performance and ability. While this can sometimes serve as a benchmark for growth, such comparisons can become toxic when we cling too tightly to unrealistic standards.  

Rather than compete on who is the “better” parent at home, it has been helpful for my wife and I to take time to reflect and affirm each other – and ourselves! – on the different ways we contribute to the family.  

For instance, my wife is better able to juggle the many tasks at home, spanning from household chores to caring for the kids. She is more natural at keeping the house looking fresh and homely, in part by keeping a lookout for good deals on household items. As an educator by profession, she keeps a better pulse on our children’s learning needs and school schedules. Finally, as the more adventurous parent, she keeps abreast of events and activities that the family can enjoy. 

On the other hand, I am better at managing conflicts and meltdowns at home, whether it was between my wife and I or with the children. I am also good at giving the children undivided attention and tuning in to their interests and thoughts, which helps boost their confidence and self-esteem. Finally, I feel better able at guiding the family on making bigger decisions, such as career choices, choosing where to stay, which school our children should go, managing finances and big-ticket expenditures.  

 

3. Surround yourself with resources and like-minded persons  

Nobody wakes up as a competent parent from day one. Many skills that experienced parents demonstrate today are hard-won from experience or passed down from other parents. Similarly, I had to educate myself in the areas where I lacked. One key way was to leverage modern technologies to accommodate my busy lifestyle. For example, I follow parenting accounts on social media for bite-sized tips and tools which I can absorb on-the-go. 

It is also important to get connected to gain support and learn from others. For example, we got connected with fellow parents of younger children and have regular get-togethers. This exposes us to various styles of parenting, while simultaneously helping us and our children to build lasting friendships. We are also members of online parenting groups where we regularly get advice from on a wide variety of parenting issues.  

“Papa’s home!!”
Every day when I come home, my children shout for joy and run towards me for a giant bear hug. 

This image of my children welcoming me home is seared in my mind and heart. It keeps me going as a father. I once thought that my role as a father was easily replaceable, but this could not be further from the truth; there is no replacement for the role that we play in our family.

To my fellow fathers, if you are struggling with self-doubt over your ability as a father, take heart: At the end of the day, our children do not want a different father, or a “better” father to be at the door. All they want is for their very own Papa to return home to them.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

What is the Difference Between Tantrums and Meltdowns

As parents or caregivers, we often hear other parents lamenting over difficult behaviours such as tantrums and meltdowns.  

While some may use the two terms interchangeably, do you know there are significant differences between the two?  

In this article, we will explore the differences between tantrums and meltdowns, and provide some practical handles on handling both. 

Tantrums are typically seen in younger children, usually between the ages of two and four, though this may extend to kids in older age groups. They are emotional outbursts characterised by frustration, anger, or a desire for something they cannot have.  

Tantrums often occur when a child’s needs or wants are not met, leading to an outburst of negative emotions. Typical behaviours include crying, screaming, stomping feet, hitting objects or people, and falling to the floor. Children may also use pleading or bargaining to get what they want. They usually end once they get what they want, or when they realise there is no benefit to continuing. However, sometimes, tantrums can spiral into a meltdown. 

Meltdowns are not manipulative, and are usually not within the child’s control. 

A meltdown is an intense reaction to feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or over-stimulation, and usually occurs when the demands placed on a child exceeds their ability to cope in the moment. Meltdowns are not manipulative, and are usually not within the child’s control. They are also more commonly associated with children on the autism spectrum or those with sensory processing difficulties.  

During a meltdown, a child may become agitated, exhibit aggressive behaviours, become non-responsive (like a computer that has shut down) and have difficulty processing language or instructions. 

How to handle tantrums

1. Stay calm 

During a tantrum, it’s essential for adults to remain calm. Reacting emotionally may escalate the situation. Take deep breaths, and remember that tantrums are a normal part of child development. 

2. Offer choices 

Whenever possible, provide children with appropriate choices to meet their needs. This can help them feel more in control, and nip tantrums resulting from frustration or a feeling of powerlessness. 

3. Validate their feelings  

Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it’s okay to feel upset. Use phrases like, “I see you’re upset because you can’t continue playing with the toy right now, but it’s almost time to leave.”  

Do not give in to tantrums, as this can reinforce the behaviour. Instead, teach your child to make their requests calmly. 

4. Set clear boundaries 

Establish consistent rules and boundaries. Children need to understand what is expected of them, which can reduce the likelihood of tantrums caused by confusion or uncertainty. Do not give in to tantrums, as this can reinforce the behaviour. Instead, teach your child to make their requests calmly. 

5. Use distraction 

Offer an alternative activity or toy to redirect their attention and diffuse the tantrum. Distracting them with something they enjoy can help shift their focus away from the initial trigger. 

How to handle meltdowns

1. Create a safe environment 

If you know a child is prone to meltdowns, set up a safe space where they can retreat during overwhelming situations. This area should be quiet, comfortable, and free from sensory triggers. 

2. Minimise stimulation 

If a meltdown is triggered by sensory overload, try to minimise environmental stimuli. Dim the lights, reduce noise, or remove the child from crowded places. 

3. Remain patient and understanding 

Remember that meltdowns are not voluntary and can be distressing for the child. Refrain from getting frustrated or making judgmental comments. Instead, be empathetic and patient. 

4. Provide post-meltdown support 

After the meltdown subsides, offer comfort and support. Help them understand what triggered them, and brainstorm new ways to communicate their feelings better in the future. It helps to write some of these ideas down on a whiteboard and keep them as visual reminders. 

Understanding the differences between tantrums and meltdowns is essential for responding appropriately to children’s emotional outbursts.  

Remember that tantrums are a normal part of a child’s development and can be managed well with clear boundaries and consistent caregiver support, while meltdowns require slightly different approaches, such as creating a safe and calm environment.  

By employing these strategies with compassion and understanding, we can better help our children navigate through life’s more challenging moments, and promote stronger emotional regulation, that can set them up for life! 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Mum, Here are 5 Signs You’re Being Too Hard On Yourself

We recently passed the halfway mark in 2023. Some people like to do a mid-term life review to ensure they are on track with their goals. Educational institutions have assessments or exams to evaluate their students’ learning.

Have you done a mid-year assessment of your role as a mother?

This may sound like a strange question to ask mothers, but if we care to admit, we are evaluating our “performance” more often than we realise. And the bad news is our self-assessment is often biased because as mums, we are our own harshest critics.

Here are five signs that we are too hard on ourselves.

1. We engage in unhealthy comparison  

Comparison is a killjoy in parenting. Knowingly or unconsciously, we compare ourselves with other parents – in the areas of academic performance or in aspects that we or our children are weak in. Does the following inner dialogue sound familiar?

“Why can’t I be like Macy, she is so adept at juggling work and family life…she just got promoted and her children are doing so well in school. What’s wrong with me?”

2. We overlook the “little wins” in parenting 

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.  

3. We blame ourselves when things go south  

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.  

4. We frequently use negative language

Whether it is expressed verbally or an inner conversation, we are inclined towards negative self-talk. 

“I am not good enough”, “I just can’t get everything right”, “I should have known better than to….”, “I am a bad mother.”

If any of these critical statements ring a bell, you are not alone. However, being overly critical of oneself can be unproductive and ineffective. It does not benefit anyone, much less our children, even if we are hard on ourselves and push ourselves to do better or to make our child behave.  

5. We put self-care on the back burner

Our children’s needs often take centre stage and we are so focused on meeting their needs that we forget to care for ourselves properly. Truth is, we can provide the best care for our children when we first care for ourselves. Prioritising ourselves can make us more effective in our parenting and ultimately, happier as individuals. 

One effective antidote to combat such self-defeating thoughts is self-compassion. So, what can we do to develop the art of self-compassion? 

1. Embrace unconditional positive regard  

Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist introduced the concept of unconditional positive regard as a key component in his person-centred approach to therapy. It involves showing care and prizing a person by unconditionally accepting whatever the person does or is feeling.  

While unconditional positive regard is often associated with counselling, it can also be applied in other relationship contexts (e.g., parent-child, husband-wife).  

We can apply unconditional positive regard to ourselves as mums too – accepting and valuing ourselves regardless of circumstances we face in our parenting.  

2. Learn to silence the inner critic  

    • Find the belief statements to set off the negativity
      For example, it could be: “What’s wrong with me; I can’t get anything right as a mother.” 
    • Fix the critical script by challenging it 
      Is it really true that you cannot get anything right? Even if you made many mistakes in parenting, there are instances where you have gotten things right. Recall those positive incidents instead of focusing on that one poor judgment call. 
    • Flip the self-defeating thought to a healthy or empowering belief 
      For example, replace the negative statement with, “It is not true that I can’t get anything right as a mother. There are instances where I did the right thing. I wish I had made a better choice in this matter, but I can learn from it and exercise better judgment next time.”

      Silencing the inner critic takes time, patience, and practice. Do not lose heart if you do not get it right in the initial stage of practising this technique. Keep at it and you will experience a positive mindset change.  

3. Prioritise your self-care

One of the best gifts we can give our children is a healthy and happy mother. So, make time to nurture ourselves through activities that strengthen the body, mind and spirit. 

Parenting is hard work. While it is beneficial to reflect on our actions or take stock of ourselves to learn and grow, as mums, we often take ourselves too seriously and judge ourselves more harshly than we deserve.  

Let’s learn to value and accept ourselves unreservedly and develop the skill of silencing our inner critic. What is one thing you will do today to be kind to yourself?  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

‘I Felt Like I’d Lost Myself as a SAHM’

Even though I was living my Stay-At-Home-Mum (SAHM) lifelong dream, I was losing sense of who I was.  

I had always wanted to be a SAHM because my mum was one. She was a very capable mum who did everything on her own, as my dad was often working late nights. I wanted to be like her.     

But when I found out about my first pregnancy, I was shocked. I couldn’t accept it. I was not ready to have a kid so soon, as we were only married for 6 months then. 

“All my dreams about spending time with my husband before kids came – travelling and haivng lots of freedom – were gone.” 

I cried and got angry at us.  

Things only got better when I first felt the baby move. It brought a whole new sense of wonder that there was a life within me, depending on me and connecting with me through all his movements. It was just amazing!   
  
This helped me come to terms with my pregnancy. When I delivered and could now put a face to my baby’s name, I was able to push on with the mentality that “Alright, I’m a mum. I’m going to be a SAHM.”  

However, this energy did not last very long.   

When my second child came along and we moved to our new home, I pushed myself very hard as the household depended largely on me. My sense of fulfilment was seeping away, drastically.  

My husband was often busy with work which left me alone at home all day. It was also too hard to bring my young boys out. I could not bring myself to give up staying home because this was what I said I had wanted.   

These thoughts were constant echoes in my mind:   

“I’m just a SAHM trying to run the household and parent the boys.”   
“I’m just a work machine completing the same daily routines.”   
“I’m just attending to everyone’s needs except mine.” 

“Although people told me that I was much more than that, I struggled to believe it.“

1. My very real struggles 

It came to a point where I was crying every week in the shower, wondering to myself if this really was all there is to being a SAHM? I cried out to God asking if motherhood was really meant to be this hard and without joy.  

I can coach, teach, and train my kids, but I really struggle with playing at their level. During pretend play, I found it hard to imagine a storyline and role-play with them. I was dead tired after one story, but they kept wanting more. I was overwhelmed with frustration as I felt I didn’t have enough rest to keep sane the next day and needed alone time to recharge.  

My reality seemed so different from some SAHMs who looked like they were winning at motherhood. I knew I needed help to break out of this dark hole — believing there were mums like me — but no one was talking about it. I desired to hear from these mums to learn perspectives and practical handles to cope.  

 Life had to go on and I was exhausted being stuck in a rut.

2. Opening up

I decided to share my struggles on Instagram in hopes others would open up as well. This gave me opportunities to meet with mums who resonated with my struggles. And I knew I was no longer alone.   

One of them shared that I was a stay-at-home-mum and not a butler. She asked, “Wanxin, you did everything like your mum, but are you a happy mum?” This stopped me in my tracks and helped me reframe being a SAHM. It should be about my kids and not the endless list of chores.   

Another mum shared that there is no fixed definition of how a mum should be, much less a SAHM, and I need to walk through this process and make this journey mine. While there is an overwhelming amount of information telling us the “correct” or “best” way to parent our children, it reminded me to be selective and see what fits my family, not the other way round.  

I also asked my mum one day, “How did you do it all back then?” It was their culture at that time to serve their in-laws and live with them. So partly, she had no choice but to do it. To my surprise, she mentioned that she enjoyed cleaning and scrubbing every tile and grout to perfection.   

My mum also said she regretted not having enough time with us. If she had the choice, she would have wanted to plan how much time to spend with us versus doing chores. I had misunderstood things all along… Cleaning to such high standards was her preference, not something I should expect of myself!  

Through these conversations, I’m slowly understanding the kind of mum I am.   

Gaining understanding of my own journey has put me in discovery-training mode now.

“I’m letting go of some expectations that I had placed on myself.”

3. Focusing on small wins

I’m learning to set goals and set aside time for myself. In the morning, I’ll change out of my pyjamas and dress in something I like. I try to eat, rest well and do what I enjoy (like pilates). I’m working towards finding more joy in this season I am in.  

I also affirm and encourage myself: You did well today. Your son needed to hear that, and you said that to him. You were very tired, but respected your body and didn’t force yourself to finish that household chore.  

I may not enjoy chores, but I enjoy cooking for my boys and feel appreciated when they say, “I love your food, Mama!” Now, I try to prioritise connecting and listening to what my boys are saying, and not get distracted. I’m working towards finding a balance between taking care of my family and myself, so that I can be a happy and fulfilled mum.  

If I could encourage myself today, I would tell myself: Motherhood is unique and personal, there is no mould to fit into — no comparison, no competition, no condemnation.   

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Growing Trust Through the Teenage Years

How do we build trust in our relationships with our children? How do you keeping trusting your kids after they’ve messed up? Is fear motivating you to control your kids’ behaviour? 

As our children grow older and forge their identities through independence, it can be hard to keep the bond of trust. Yet we have to keep trying because trust in a relationship is what provides safety and respect.  

Mother-daughter duo Jenni Ho-Huan and Abby share with us their stories and tips on how to cement their bond of trust.  

Explain the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ 

Time is needed to build trust. Abby, who’s in her third year of university, said that she learnt to keep trusting her parents through the repeated conversations they’ve had over the years. 
 
“For example, when we were younger and Mum wanted us to do something like our 10pm curfew and I was like, ‘oh, my friends’ curfew is 11pm’, but Mum always explained why. It was never like ‘because I said so’ but they explained the why behind the what.” 
 
The way her parents separated the issue from the person also helped Abby learn that being corrected does not mean her parents think badly of her as a person but instead, they were merely correcting the behaviour.  
 
So, when trust is broken because of certain wrong actions, consequences are given through lots of thoughtful communication. 
 
“So it’s not that you inherently are a bad child,” said the eldest child.  
 
Jenni tries to have pockets of time daily to think through what she wants to say to her child and how to say it. 
 
Pulling back and processing has helped her approach conversations clearly and intentionally so that it goes “better than me saying 10,000 things and none of them makes sense.”

Apologise when we get it wrong

Parents can also default to the mode of “we know better”. However, as our kids grow into teens, we have to help them grow by actually listening to them, giving weight to their opinions and apologising when we get it wrong.  
 
Abby learnt how to apologise by watching her parents do so. She recalled, “Being willing to apologise is a big deal. One of my memories is when my dad got upset and I think he raised his voice and maybe I looked scared so he came to my room, apologised and explained why he got upset and how he felt. That set an example for me to own my mistakes.” 
 
Learning to listen well also helps avoid incidents like this. As Abby shared, “[My parents’ willingness to listen] lets us have a space to share our own lives and it encourages us to share the things we are processing, our hopes and fears so that creates emotional intimacy. So even when it gets hard, there’s emotional reserves, and when conflict occurs or when push comes to shove, you still know your parents love you.” 

Keep up the ‘communication habit’

According to Jenni, developing the “communication habit” to stay in connection with one another is critical. 

“When the kids were small, there may be times when we have to intrude into their space and they may get irritated but you have to trust that your love is getting to them somehow. You have to make sure you get into the fray or you go back to the room to say I am sorry,” said Jenni.  
 
She explained that it has to be a connection of the heart so that even as a child, they know we have their backs and are more open to communicate.   
 
Jenni likens every year of parenting to be like reaching another “clearing in a forest” where you never been before, and it brings new things to talk about. So the intentional reaching out to connect has to be done constantly. 
 
The mother of three, who’s also the author of a kids book named “Simple Tips for Happy Kids,” also consciously works on growing her own self-awareness and gaining clarity on what’s important.   
 
“I have to be clear on what is important to me as a parent, what are my non-negotiables, realising my non-negotiables has to take into consideration that I am raising a child in a different generation, different context,” she explained.  

Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world. 

Develop situational awareness

Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world.  
 
“These days, 10-year-old kids know about the war in Ukraine… last time, when we were 10, we were ‘blur blur’ but they have all these information to navigate and I think it can create this fog that makes it harder to connect. Sometimes it’s not that your child doesn’t trust you, but their world is a different world.” 
 
Jenni advises that we continue pursuing their hearts even if they don’t seem receptive at first. We also have to be aware of our own fears and motivation.  

We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.

“All parents have irrational fears… we can imagine that one bad habit they are doing now is going to mark their lives.” 
 
Jenni shared that these fears can propel us to be anxious, something she experienced herself with her son who did not thrive in the mainstream school system. 
 
“The turning point for me was when I realised I was trying to over-plan his life too much. But my role is not to ensure his journey has no road bumps.” 
 
So part of the journey of building trust with our kids is not letting our emotions push us to control their behaviour or the outcomes of their decision. As we grow as parents and put in the hard yards to communicate and connect in season and out of season, we can one day see the fruit of that bond of trust.  
 
And even if you didn’t grow up with that yourself, be encouraged that you can still break the cycle to start a new story for your family.  
 
As Jenni so wisely said, “We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.” 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Commentary: SexEd That Develops Sexual Intelligence in Youth

There has been much discussion about what kind of sexuality education youth should receive. More specifically, the question of whether they should be taught premarital abstinence or the use of contraception constantly comes under the spotlight, and these days, the debate has also turned towards the issue of consent and gender identity.

Some believe that youth should only be educated to reserve sexual activity for marriage, and worry that teaching young people about contraception would make them more likely to have sex prematurely (i.e. Abstinence-Only Sexuality Education). Others are of the opinion that youth are going to be sexually active anyway and must be guided on how to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy and protect themselves from sexually-transmitted diseases; thereby viewing abstinence-only education as unrealistic and out of step with the times (i.e. Safe Sex or Comprehensive Sexuality Education).

A thoughtful approach to this issue should take into foremost consideration the target audience of sexuality education: the youth themselves.

The developmental needs of youth

1. The youth brain needs time to be fully developed

Studies have shown that the human brain will only complete its development between the ages of 25 and 30. Our children thus do not yet have the neurobiological capacity to make fully mature or wise decisions until their mid-twenties, simply because their limbic system (the emotional brain) is much more developed than their pre-frontal cortex (the rational brain)1.

In the face of emotions and desires that they experience powerfully during adolescence, teenagers are likely to not be able to accurately assess risks and anticipate the consequences of their actions2. When they find themselves in emotionally charged situations, their more mature limbic system tends to win over their (presently) less developed pre-frontal control system, and this increases the likelihood of them engaging in risky behaviour3.

2. Youth need input from parents and trusted mentors

Due to their neurobiological development, young people need the help of parents and teachers or trusted adults to learn how to make rational decisions through repeated, clear and consistent guidance4. Parents, in particular, should be the primary people to teach their children sexuality education, according to their own family values (which includes faith traditions, if any). This is in line with one of the Ministry of Education’s 6 Guiding Principles of Sexuality Education5.

Parents have the best interests of their children at heart, understand what their kids are ready to learn about, and are best placed to initiate and sustain ongoing conversations with them on sexuality in the context of a safe parent-child relationship. Contrary to popular belief, in a local survey of 5,122 young people, around 80% of them cited that parents should be the primary source of sexuality education, above school (7%), the Internet (1%) and friends (1%), even though only 15% reported personally experiencing it6.
 

3. Youth need the good of peer influence

Peers can also have a significant impact on youth sexual behaviour—for good or ill. Studies have found that students with friends who use substances or alcohol tend to increase their use, but those who participated in peer-led programmes to reduce substance or alcohol use are more likely to decrease their use7 8. The same applies to sexual behaviour. In fact, youth who perceive that their peers are engaging in sexual activity are more likely to do so themselves9, with their first sexual encounter happening at a younger age10. This link between youth’s perception of their peers’ sexual behaviour and their own sexual behaviour holds true, especially for boys, across different cultures11.

Understanding brain development, it is not surprising that teenagers experience more social anxiety about feeling left out (in teen speak: “FOMO” or Fear Of Missing Out”) or not belonging, and they may behave in certain ways in order to avoid that feeling. As they become more self-aware at this stage, they also worry more about what others think about them, which can lead them to be more vulnerable to certain type of negative influences2.

The need for youth-centric sexuality education

Since adolescents tend to find it more difficult than adults to make logical decisions in the midst of strong emotions and desires, how can sexuality education help young people avoid having their powerful sexual feelings lead them to make choices they later regret?

In view of youth’s developmental needs, the type of sexuality education that best serves them is one that can equip them — together with their community of peers — with age-appropriate information and handles. Youth-centric sexuality education should be geared toward developing sexual intelligence in young people, so that they are empowered to make smart sexual decisions that benefit them and others, both in the short-term and the long run. In fact, sexuality education that enables them to postpone their first sexual encounter to a later age, when they can fully understand the consequences of their decisions, would produce better outcomes for young people.

Teaching contraception and consent in sexuality education

Teach the realistic and holistic truth about condoms

Those who advocate teaching youth to use contraception are concerned about protecting them from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancies. Taking the most common contraception – condoms, how effective is this approach?

How effective are condoms?

  • There are, at best, conflicting findings on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing STIs and unintended pregnancies12 13.
  • While correct and consistent use of condoms provides a high level of protection against most STIs, this is not typical of real-life situations. Condom usage errors, breakages and slippages are common worldwide, occurring in as many as 40% of sexual encounters14.
  • When it comes to HIV transmission, consistent condom usage with the same partner provides only around 71-77% protection15.
  • Because condoms cannot cover all infected areas of the body, they do not protect against STIs that spread through skin-to-skin contact, such as syphilis, herpes, human papillomavirus (to which the World Health Organization attributes nearly all cases of cervical cancer 16), genital warts, molluscum contagiosum virus, chancroid, etc.
  • While correct and consistent use of condoms are 98% effective in preventing unintended pregnancies, imperfect real-life condom usage yields only about 82–85% effectiveness. That means that there is around 15–18% pregnancy rate even with the use of condoms14 17.

So will intentionally teaching youth how to use condoms ensure their consistent and correct usage, or does it have the unintended effect of encouraging them to engage in risky sexual behaviour due to their underdeveloped pre-frontal lobes? There is a phenomena called risk compensation: people tend to lower their guard and are more willing to engage in risky behaviour when they believe that their risk has been reduced by technology18. For example, people who use sunscreen tend to stay longer in the sun19 and traffic-related deaths increased after compulsory seatbelt laws were introduced20. A feeling of one’s vulnerability being lowered leads to a rise in careless behaviour.

Similarly, sexuality education that has an emphasis in promoting condom usage can inadvertently increase—instead of decrease— sexual activity (including multiple sexual partners) and unprotected sexual exposure (due to inconsistent and incorrect, or “careless”, usage) among youth21 22. It has been found that up to 1 in 3 young men in Singapore chose not to use condoms mainly due to the reduced pleasure they experienced23.

In other words, sexuality education that focuses on contraception use, coupled with youth’s lower ability to assess risk accurately, can lead to youths:

  • having sex earlier
  • having more sexual partners
  • engaging in more risky sexual behaviour
  • experiencing an increased risk of contracting STIs
  • facing a higher likelihood of sex resulting in unintended pregnancies

On the other hand, there are those who advocate for sexuality education that excludes any mention of condoms, out of concern that teaching youths about condoms encourages them to have sex. We need to acknowledge that in this digital age when most youth can access all kinds of information from social media and online platforms that are hard to regulate or censor, it is highly likely that they would already receive some kind of information about condoms – whether or not it is accurate or holistic.

Thus, it is only responsible to fully inform youth of these facts about contraception:

  1. Even correct and consistent usage do not guarantee 100% protection against STI transmissions or unintended pregnancies.

  2. Imperfect condom usage is not uncommon, even among adults, so what more among inexperienced youth users who are already neurobiologically not as able to make fully rational choices, especially when they are caught up in the heat of sexually-charged moments.

This should cause us to rethink sexuality education that focuses on contraception use.

It is noteworthy that, instead of condom promotion, 150 global AIDS experts came together to advocate for an evidence-based approach to prevent HIV/AIDS transmission by adopting the A-B-C method: Abstain, Be faithful/reduce partners, use Condoms22, in that order.

Teach proper consent informed by values

Proponents of teaching youth how to use contraception in sexuality education often also advocate for consent education, especially given the recent rise of sexual assault cases in the news. Consent education assumes that when more young people understand what informed consent means and how to respect their partner’s verbalised boundaries, this will mitigate instances in which the sexual boundaries are coercively transgressed.

While teaching youth about informed consent is important, it is insufficient in itself.

A behaviour does not become beneficial to youth simply because all the parties involved consent to it. In the complex dynamics of relationships and real-life situations, it is not unthinkable to agree to something even against one’s better judgement. Considering adolescents’ (lack of) neurobiological capacity for making rational decisions, assessing risks and predicting the consequences of their actions as well as their anxiety-driven desire for acceptance and belonging, teenagers may all the more find themselves consenting to participate in something that is not objectively good for them nor for their partner.

Effective consent education thus needs to factor in an objective benchmark by which to assess whether a behaviour is positive or harmful—and that makes teaching of values an indispensable part of any sexuality education that considers youth’s holistic well-being. Sexual decision-making should include factual information about healthy emotional, physical and psychological boundaries, based on universal virtues of integrity, love and respect (for self and others) as well as character traits of self-regulation, responsibility and resilience. Furthermore, it ought to include parental rights to educate their children about sexual decisions and boundaries according to their family and faith values.

Teaching abstinence in sexuality education

1. Sexual abstinence is research-informed
What, then, is the more responsible approach: teaching youth risk reduction (until they have the ability to fully understand their actions) or risk elimination (given their current developmental stage)? An evidence-based youth-centric approach to sexuality education entails informing youth that abstaining from all sexual activity (until marriage) is the 100% safest and most effective way to protect themselves from the negative physical, emotional, and psychological consequences of adolescent sexual activity.

2. Sexual abstinence is responsible
At a time of their lives when young people are not yet fully capable of accurately assessing risk and anticipating consequences, they should be taught to avoid risk rather than to reduce risk.Intoxicated people are not completely able to make rational decisions because their executive functions have been impaired by the effects of alcohol. Is it safer for them—and others—to teach them how to wear seatbelts properly while driving (risk reduction) or to instruct them to not drive at all (risk elimination)? To be sure, they should be made aware of seatbelts, but the more responsible thing to do is to educate them to not get behind the steering wheel if they wish to drink. As adults—parents and/or educators—it is our responsibility to ensure our children/youth avoid sexual risk altogether. They are too precious for us to allow them to take a gamble with their lives and sexual well-being.

3. Sexual abstinence is relevant
As mental health challenges faced by youth in Singapore today are on the rise24, abstinence has never been a more important and sexually intelligent choice for youth. It is not only a foolproof way to prevent STIs and pregnancies, it also safeguards young people’s emotional and mental well-being.

Sexual activity and mental wellness

  • Teenage sexual activity has been found to be an independent risk factor for developing poor self-esteem, major depression, and attempting suicide25.
  • Compared to sexually abstinent girls, sexually active girls were three times as likely to suffer from depression and to have attempted suicide26.
  • Compared to sexually abstinent boys, sexually active boys were more than twice as likely to suffer from depression and seven times more likely to have attempted suicideibid..
  • 67% of girls and 53% of boys regretted becoming sexually active too early27. Sexual regret has been associated with negative psychological outcomes, like loss of life satisfaction, loss of self-worth and depression28.

The chemicals released in the brain during sexual activity create emotional bonds between sexual partners, and breaking these bonds can lead to depression and make it more difficult for them to bond with someone else, like their spouse, in future26.

Despite divorce being on the rise, young people in Singapore still have high aspirations towards marriage and family formation with 83% indicating that they intend to marry29 and around 35% citing getting married and having children as important life goals30. Youth should therefore be informed that sexual abstinence until marriage can increase their chances of experiencing a better quality of life and stronger quality of marriage.

Sexual abstinence and future marriage

  • Compared to those who had sex with other people before marriage, men and women who only had sex with the person they married reported higher quality of marriage31.
  • For women, in particular, the more sexual partners they had before marriage, the less happy they reported their marriage to beibid.
  • Compared to couples who had sex early on in their relationship, couples who waited until marriage to have sex reported higher relationship quality and satisfaction, better sexual quality and better communication.32

4. Sexual abstinence is realistic

There are some who find sexual abstinence an archaic concept and purport that teaching youth to abstain until marriage is unrealistic, whether because of hormones, family background, situational circumstances or previous experience. However, the facts suggest otherwise.

  • Well-designed and well-implemented abstinence education programmes have been found to result in delayed sexual initiation, reduced early sexual activity33, and significant long-term decrease in teenage sexual activity34
  • Sexually experienced young men in Singapore who went through an abstinence and safer sex intervention programme were twice as likely than those who did not attend the programme to report being able to exercise better self-control and abstain from sexual activity by practising the strategies they learnt23.

Consistent with studies in America, a local study found that students in Singapore tend to overestimate their peers’ sexual permissiveness, with the sexually active students using this misperception of the prevalence of sexual activity among their peers to justify their own sexual permissiveness; actually, most respondents held sexually conservative attitudes35. In other words, sexual abstinence may be more of a norm than we think and a more realistic expectation of youth sexual attitudes and behaviours.

Focus on the Family worldwide has in the past 2 decades reached millions with the A-B-C approach to sexuality education that emphasises and prioritises abstinence, and continues to be welcomed in communities by both youth and parents/educators. For youth who have been previously sexually active, helping them to live out a (re)commitment to sexual abstinence can be very empowering and provide a newfound sexual freedom.

Conclusion

In determining the best approach to sexuality education today, we need to evaluate what best develops sexual intelligence in our young. Sexuality education that is research-informed, responsible, relevant and realistic for youth is one that takes into account their developmental stage and needs, so that they can be given the best age-appropriate handles to make sexually intelligent decisions. It entails giving them the full information on abstinence, consent, and contraception, while teaching them to take the approach of risk avoidance or elimination. Such an approach ultimately conduces to the best outcomes for the short- and longer-term health and well-being of our children.

References:

  1. The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell Us about Our Kids (2004)
  2. That teenage feeling (2007)
  3. The adolescent brain (2008)
  4. Abstinence education (2014)
  5. Sexuality education: Overview
  6. Whole Life Inventory (2016–2018)
  7. Peer Participation in Project Northland: A Community‐Wide Alcohol Use Prevention Project (1994)
  8. Peer acceleration: effects of a social network tailored substance abuse prevention program among high‐risk adolescents (2007)
  9. Adolescent Susceptibility to Peer Influence in Sexual Situations (2016)
  10. Perceived Peer Behavior and the Timing of Sexual Debut in Rwanda: A Survival Analysis of Youth Data (2004)
  11. Meta-analysis of the relations between three types of peer norms and adolescent sexual behaviour (2014)
  12. Abstinence education (2014)
  13. Effectiveness of condoms in preventing sexually transmitted infections (2004)
  14. Condom use errors and problems: a global view (2012)
  15. Condom effectiveness in reducing heterosexual HIV transmission: a systematic review and meta-analysis of studies on HIV serodiscordant couples (2015)
  16. Human papillomavirus (HPV) and cervical cancer (2019)
  17. Condom Use by Adolescents (2013)
  18. Rethinking AIDS Prevention: Learning from Successes in Developing Countries (2003)
  19. Risk compensation: the Achilles’ heel of innovations in HIV prevention? (2006)
  20. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12648903_Condoms_and_seat_belts_The_parallels_and_the_lessons (2000)
  21. Increasing condom use without reducing HIV risk: results of a controlled community trial in Uganda (2005)
  22. The time has come for common ground on preventing sexual transmission of HIV (2004)
  23. Randomized controlled trial of abstinence and safer sex intervention for adolescents in Singapore: 6-month follow-up (2017)
  24. National Youth Council’s Y+ e-newsletter – Youths & Mental Health (2019)
  25. Adolescent depression and suicide risk: association with sex and drug behavior (2004)
  26. Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children (2008)
  27. With One Voice 2012: America’s Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy (2012)
  28. Risky business: Is there an association between casual sex and mental health among emerging adults? (2014)
  29. Marriage and Parenthood Survey (2016)
  30. The State of Youth in Singapore (2017)
  31. Before “I Do”: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults? (2014)
  32. Couples who delay having sex get benefits later, study suggests (2010)
  33. Abstinence Education: Assessing the Evidence (2008)
  34. “Abstinence” or “Comprehensive” Sex Education?— The Mathematica Study in Context (2007)
  35. Pluralistic Ignorance About Sex: The Direct and the Indirect Effects of Media Consumption on College Students’ Misperception of Sex-Related Peer Norms (2007)

© 2020 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

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Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
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Why is Pornography So Addictive?

As is usually the case with all addictions, no one really starts with a plan to get addicted. It could be a case of curiosity, peer pressure, or stumbling upon something by accident.

We tend to associate addictions with the consumption of chemical substances, such as alcohol and narcotics, perhaps because the law draws clear and strict boundaries on their abuse. But studies are showing a new type of narcotics that is equally, if not more, potent: Pornography. According to a neuroscience study published by Dr Valerie Voon from the University of Cambridge, a brain imaging scan of a porn addict is strikingly similar to that of a drug addict’s. This should raise alarm bells for us parents.

There is no denying the powerful lure of and appetite for pornography, across all demographics. The explosive growth in revenue of the porn industry in the last decade testifies to this. So it begets the question, why is pornography so addictive? To understand this for the sake of our children, we need to get to the bottom of push and pull factors.

For Tween (10-12 years), Teen (13-15 years) and Emerging Years (16-19 years)

1. The pervasiveness of porn (pull)

To understand how pervasive porn is, we need to first know what it looks and sounds like. The common definition of porn, according to Merriam Webster dictionary, is: A depiction that is intended to cause sexual arousal or excitement. While it is subjective what exactly causes sexual arousal or excitement, we don’t have to look very hard to see that we are, in fact, surrounded by images, sounds, and messages that are consistent with the aims of porn:

  • An advertisement for Calvin Klein underwear at the mall.
  • A twerking performance on a display TV set in a common electrical appliance store.

If your child is plugged into the Internet, this prevalence becomes more pronounced. There are countless websites streaming pornographic content that are free for any user to access anonymously, without age restrictions.

Even if you have set up powerful filters on your child’s device, your child may know someone whose parents have not done the same and may be looking to share their unfiltered access with others. Regardless of one’s circumstances, the sheer prevalence of porn makes it challenging for anyone, not just our children, to resist the urge to indulge in it.

2. Our brain’s reward circuit (pull)

Do you know why it’s so hard to resist porn once you begin consuming it? This is due to dopamine, a neurochemical released in the brain that feeds our brain’s reward circuit and forms an addiction pathway that reinforces the behaviour over time.

“Think of the brain as a forest where trails are worn down by hikers who walk along the same path over and over again, day after day. The exposure to pornographic images creates similar neural pathways that, over time, become more and more “well-paved” as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography.”
– Morgan Bennett, author of The New Narcotic.

An experiment carried out on a rat shows that when the brain’s reward circuit is hijacked by unusually elevated levels of dopamine, it will keep seeking the desired behavior (in this case, pressing the lever) at the expense of other needs such as food and mating.

Granted, humans are not entirely like rats. However, in both scenarios, the brain is wired to reinforce rewarding behaviors (such as eating and drinking) so that there is a higher chance of survival. This very same system unfortunately also works against us (in the form of addiction) if we subject it to an overstimulation of dopamine, which porn is very capable of doing.

3. Underlying issues (push)

Addiction usually masks underlying issues that are unresolved, such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, loneliness, rejection and so on. We know that our children face multiple stresses in life, such as: difficulty making friends at school, being bullied, and struggling with learning.

These stressors can cause them to crave an escape, or a quick-fix to the negative emotions they are feeling, especially if they have not yet learnt healthy coping mechanisms.

Teenagers may experience this even more because of the life stage they are in – still figuring out their identity, dealing with hormonal changes in their body causing mood swings, and so on.

As dysfunctional as porn is as a coping mechanism, the instant rush of dopamine that comes with the activity is so rewarding that it keeps them coming back for more.

4. Tendency to keep it in the dark (pull)

The sense of shame that comes with porn use often keeps our children from talking to us about it. Yet, the more they choose to navigate this alone, the more likely they are to sink deeper into porn addiction.

On their own, they are simply no match for the brain’s hardwiring for dopamine. Without accountability and our loving support, they are more likely to relapse at some point, even if they were trying to put a stop to their porn use.

Add to this the permanence of pornographic images in our brain’s memory – unlike chemical substances, they cannot be metabolized out of the body’s system. These lingering images can continue to fuel the addictive cycle.

Let’s remind our children that we have their best interests at heart, and that they can come to us for help regardless of how big or complex their problems are.

Now that we have a better understanding of why pornography is so addictive, we can better position ourselves to defend their minds against it – by being a powerfully loving and supportive presence in their lives.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more