Resource Type: Articles

Why is Porn So Readily Accessible?

Why is Porn So Readily Accessible? 

In a previous article where we explored “Why is porn so addictive?”, the pervasiveness of porn came up as a contributing factor because of how easily accessible they have become today. A quick look at the figures published by a cybersecurity company underscores the extent of this accessibility: 

Every Second: 

  • 28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet. 
  • $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet. 

In this follow-up piece, we will explore “Why is porn so easily accessible?” by taking a deep dive into the forces that drive the proliferation of porn, and offer a few practical handles for kids in dealing with such exposure. 

The ubiquity of technology and devices 

There is no doubt that technology has greatly changed the way we live. For example, we certainly enjoy numerous conveniences and entertainment the Internet brings us – ordering our favourite dinner and embarking on a professional development course are now just a few clicks away. Lockdowns and quarantines during Covid years have only deepened the intensity and accelerated the rate of our digital connection. However, the flip side of having such a high connectivity, also means that it is probably easier to access sexually explicit materials than to avoid them.  

In the early 2000s, porn used to be contained in age-restricted print materials and subscription-based platforms. It was a service only paying customers could access. This was the chief revenue model for the porn industry, until video-streaming platforms started to revolutionise the way we consume information and entertainment.  

Inspired by YouTube’s success, the porn industry was swift in adapting to streaming platforms that were not only free for any user to access, but also offered better means of generating revenue for companies. 

Given how much of our lives both at home and at work now relies on staying connected, it would be unimaginable for one to be without a device. Yet, we often forget the tremendous power of connectivity this small device yields. A double-edged sword hidden in pockets, our devices have opened us up to the very best technology has to offer, while proving to be equally, if not more, dangerous, at the same time.  

Under Singapore Law, it is illegal for an individual to keep, possess, or download porn. Although IMDA has banned approximately 100 websites as a token gesture of disapproval, it is not illegal to watch or stream pornographic content online. That means any child with a connected device will still be able to easily access or stumble upon porn at the click of a button, in the absence of rigorous parental controls. 

A profit-driven entity at its finest 

Revenue estimates for the porn industry vary widely, and understandably so. Not only is it impossible to obtain accurate figures from privately-held porn companies, it is also challenging to account for the entire porn industry. For instance, the membership platform, “OnlyFans”, has become synonymous with porn even though it was originally meant for creators to directly monetise their content, adult or not.  

The steady rise of individual porn creators through such membership platforms further complicates the effort to obtain an accurate estimate to how much the industry is really worth. Nonetheless, several estimates clearly put it as a multi-billion-dollar industry.  

To understand how the rest of the porn industry continues to generate revenue despite offering free-to-stream videos, we need to first understand how porn advertising works. They do not work the same way as advertising for a handbag or a pair of shoes.  

Since porn companies are blocked from advertising on traditional media outlets, they have only other porn companies to turn to, for their advertising. For perspective, Pornhub’s annual report revealed a staggering 42 billion visitors in 2019 alone, reflecting a very robust base of potential consumers that could be funnelled through advertising into another paid porn site. In other words, Pornhub receives lucrative advertising fees in return for offering free-to-stream videos.  

Apart from advertising dollars, porn companies are also able to monetise user data and profiling that they capture from their online visitors. For these reasons, porn companies are motivated and invested to continue offering free content that generates the highest possible viewership, because every click on their website translates to dollars and cents.  

Practical handles for when your child is exposed to porn 

In the effort to safeguard our children, some of us turn to parental control apps on their devices. However, even the best app will fail, as Google search engine reminds us that there are always creative ways to bypass restrictions.  

If there is one thing parental control apps are good for, it is buying us time for building up a more reliable “internal filter” in our children, and time for teaching them practical handles to deal with exposure to porn.  

A few practical handles include (when speaking directly to your child):  

  1. Look away immediately – Close the laptop or put down the device and walk away immediately. Resist the urge to linger or dwell on the image/video.

     

  2. Look to daddy or mommy – Seek out daddy or mommy in person, or if not possible, reach out to one of us as soon as possible via a phone call. You are not in trouble for being exposed to porn, you can always approach us. 

     

  3. Share what you saw – Let us know what you saw, how the images made you feel, and if you have any questions. We will journey through this together.  

Porn may be more accessible than ever, but as parents, we have greater influence when we ensure that our presence and guidance are even more accessible in our children’s lives.  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What Happens When We Truly Listen To Our Spouse

Thriving in your marriage is not a science, it’s an art.

Like all relationships, marriage ebbs and flows through time and personal challenges and growth.

Through all the changes, the art of listening can affect a marriage’s strength. Gaius and Herng Wei, married for over 8 years and parents to two children aged 4 and 6, share with us their own insights and tips into this art.

1. Turn towards, not against

When the couple discovered their firstborn would be born with a congenital heart issue, they were thrown into a period of distress.

“When we received the diagnosis during the pregnancy, Gaius supported me in very practical ways like making sure I have my meals. I remember days when I said, ‘I don’t even feel functional today,’ and he would come back to make sure I have my lunch,” shared Herng Wei.

Gaius said, “That was a challenging time but thankfully, we chose to walk closer and not apart. It was a subconscious decision but looking back, thank God, we decided we could express our vulnerabilities and fears to each other.”

The fact that they had each other to turn to and communicate with was the reason this difficult season somehow got transformed into – in Herng Wei’s words – “a bonding time” instead.

When going through periods of stress and fear, do you turn towards your spouse or turn against them by shutting down or taking out your emotional turmoil on them?

Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.

2. Expressing yourself authentically

The art of listening and communicating functions much like a mirror. If one is willing to listen but the other is not committed to share their feelings on a deeper level, the connection will still be lacking. But when one spouse chooses to communicate vulnerably, it can spark a desire in the other to do the same. This can form the beginning of healthy emotional connection that strengthens the foundation of your relationship.

Expressing yourself in your marriage should go beyond talking about routine matters, like what’s for dinner, who’s picking up kids, or what did the kids do in school.

Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.

As Gaius shared, “There have been multiple occasions when she would say, ‘Hey, we are not connecting.’ The fact that it crops up so many times means I have not got it yet. Whenever she tells me we need to connect or I need you to listen to me, I would try to find the time to listen to her. I think of it as a cry to listen to her thoughts. If the other spouse can’t listen, then we have to ask questions to find out if there are other reasons like emotional or physical needs not being met.”

“When someone listens to me, I feel loved. It tells me that what I’m feeling is valid,” explained Herng Wei.

It is also important that no one takes these requests personally or as an accusation that one is not working hard at the relationship.

“We have to respond in a manner that’s appropriate and respectful to consciously create a safe place for the other person to talk,” added Gaius.

The magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them fix a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.

3. Carving out quality time

But of course, expressing yourself at the wrong times can be unhelpful. Like talking about an issue during the early morning rush to get out the door, or when one spouse is obviously tired and you “won’t have them 100 percent”.

Gaius and Herng Wei shared how they have adapted their communication style after marriage and kids.

“When we were still dating, we coined this term, ‘RTC’ or real time communication. Maybe because we were still dating and we had more time to address any issues immediately because we hoped to see the whole picture and get to know each other,” said Herng Wei.

“Now, there’s some delay,” laughed Gaius.

But on the flip side, this also works to help each other become calm to ensure a conversation is gainful.

“Gaius once shared that he realised after marriage, his highs are higher and his lows are lower,” said Herng Wei, adding that the magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them find a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.

Gaius pointed out a universal challenge that every modern-day couple probably faces – time. He shared, “The challenge has always been to carve out a window of time. People don’t ask you ‘are you available to listen’? They just say, ‘Papa, this or that’ or ‘darling, this or that’, and I need to prioritise them.”

He manages his priorities by recognising that work and other demands will always be there, but we still have to carve out time for our marriage.

What has really helped Gaius and Herng Wei is fixing a time daily where they can connect.

“We try to do evening walks every day. That’s our undistracted time to talk. It’s about 45 minutes each time and we don’t have our phones with us,” said Gaius.

This omits distractions that can affect quality time together and is a key to keeping the marriage growing.

Said Gaius, “We tend to think what’s before marriage is the same as what’s after marriage but it’s not. We need to set aside time to communicate sometime, someplace, somewhere.”

Food for thought for couples shared by Gaius and Herng Wei indeed. Would you too set aside time today to communicate and connect with your spouse heart-to-heart?

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Is the Internet Parenting My Child?

Unlike my generation who grew up with a more gradual pace of technological advancement, my children were born into an age of widespread Internet connectivity, and have hence interacted with the online world from a much younger age.  

One harrowing encounter we had was when we allowed our 4-year-old son to use a smart phone app to help him build with Lego. Moments into scrolling through blueprints, he came over with the phone and asked me for help. It turned out that he had accidentally clicked the subscription button and almost paid the fees for a premium plan!  

Besides this incident, the prominence of Internet technologies in the home exposes our children to other risks, including online safety, graphic content, privacy, and so on. However, such technologies also possess great potential for our children’s development.  

How then do we strike a balance in using technology with our kids? Based on our experiences, we have learnt the following principles: 

1. Lead by example 

Children often reflect their parents’ behaviours, and just as we hope they will pick up our good habits, they also catch our device habits from us. Even if we were attending to important matters on our phones, our children would interpret our actions as valuing device usage over relating to them.  

It is important to first be disciplined with device usage ourselves before expecting it of our children. Hence, we try to remain device-free during specific periods of the day, such as during mealtimes, reading time and playtime. My wife and I also try to ensure each of us have sufficient time to attend to our work responsibilities, so we can be less distracted when it is time to be present with our children. 

As parents, we should be role models of good device usage to our children. 

2. Build socialisation and outdoor time into family routines 

One of the best ways to help the family stay unplugged is to build it into family routines. We meet with family and friends about once or twice a week for playtime and catch-ups. We also take our children outdoors regularly, be it walks in the park, playground time or even errand runs to expose them to active lifestyles. This encourages them to move away from online media and towards physical and social activities.  

However, because we carry the Internet in our pockets, the challenge is limiting device usage while out and about too! We should remind ourselves to keep our phones away as far as possible (unless expecting urgent calls), and immerse ourselves in the moment. 

3. Set reasonable boundaries

With online media being widely available and accessible, it is unrealistic to cut it out of our children’s lives completely. Instead, we aim for moderation by setting reasonable limits on screen time.  

For example, most online content exceeds 5 minutes. If we wouldn’t watch 5 minutes of Netflix at a time, we shouldn’t impose this on our children! A useful benchmark is to stay within guidelines by KKH, which recommends screen time of 1 hour and below per day for children aged 18 months to 3 years.  

There are also child-safe apps that help keep our children safe online. For example, YouTube Kids is curated with age-appropriate content and offers more parental controls than the standard YouTube app. Parents may also use screen-pinning on their phones to prevent children from accessing other apps or functions during screen time.  

When children are meaningfully absorbed in their preferred tools of offline play, they will be less drawn to online entertainment. 

4. Invest in a variety of play methods that suit your children 

When our children are meaningfully occupied with their preferred tools of play, it is easier for them to rely less on devices for entertainment. Our son enjoys playing with Lego, which keeps him offline and occupied for long periods while helping him develop creativity and motor skills. 

It is important to find toys that our children enjoy and that are challenging enough to keep them engaged. For example, we intentionally curate our son’s Lego sets by looking for themes that our son would be interested in, and have an age-appropriate difficulty level.  

5. Take advantage of the benefits of technology

Although the Internet comes with many risks, it is also a powerful educational tool when used appropriately. There are far more educational content options than we ever had in the past.  

We should use this to our advantage as far as possible. Our son has picked up a wide variety of knowledge and skills from watching various programmes online, including art (e.g., drawing and craft), culinary skills (e.g., cooking demonstration videos), language, as well as math and science. When used within healthy limits and with close guidance, online technologies can be a rich source of knowledge and exposure for our children. 

Remaining connected to our children 

It can seem an impossible task to free ourselves from the grip of connectivity in our homes, since there is no manual for how to raise children in the Internet age. At the end of the day, however, technology should be seen as a tool. Our role as parents is to set safe boundaries around the use of technology, manage its risks, and enable our children to draw from its benefits.  

Ultimately, there is no replacement for our role as parents in the family. What our children need to grow into healthy and well-regulated individuals is for us to be present and loving in their lives. In a world where our attention is constantly being competed for, let us challenge ourselves to develop the most important connection of all —that with our children.  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Are You A Controlling Spouse?

  • Do you find yourself constantly trying to control what your partner does and how they do go about their tasks?
  • Do you get upset or angry if things are not done specifically how you want them to be done?
  • Do you often criticise or are judgemental towards your spouse?
  • Does your spouse complain that you are controlling?
  • Do you get your way by using the silent treatment or threats?
  • Do you often make decisions for your spouse without consulting them?

If your answers are mostly “yes”, there is a high chance that you are controlling the relationship.

1. What’s behind controlling behaviours?

No one likes to admit that they are the “controller” in their marriage.

We get defensive when our spouse says that we are controlling. We may even believe that our controlling behaviours come from a good place because we care about the well-being of our spouse and the relationship.

While our intentions may be well-meaning and our concerns valid, it is important to realise that being overly controlling can do more harm than good to the relationship. No one likes to be micromanaged, especially not our spouse. If left unchecked, controlling behaviour can erode trust and gradually push the person closest to us away.

Controlling behaviours often stem from trust issues and are exacerbated by fear and anxiety. The causes can range from deep-seated personal issues, unhealthy habits, unresolved emotional wounds, negative family modelling, and insecure attachments, to irrational beliefs about others, self, and life.

Perhaps you grew up in a family where you experienced rejection instead of unconditional acceptance. This could have resulted in dysfunctional relationship models that you unconsciously picked up and replicated in your own behaviour.

If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.

You may hold irrational beliefs or fall into thinking traps that increase your fear or anxiety to unhealthy levels. For example, you might think that when your spouse disagrees with you on an important matter, it signifies rejection, and damages your self-esteem. So, you may give your spouse the silent treatment or demand that he/she aligns with you instead of embracing the value of differing viewpoints.

Or perhaps your personality is such that you expect compliance from your family. You feel secure and comfortable only when you are in charge.

There can be a variety of reasons why a person exhibits controlling behaviours.

Understanding the root causes of one’s controlling tendencies is not about inducing guilt or punishing oneself, but rather gaining insights into how to address them. It’s crucial to recognise and understand our need for control. Without this recognition, it becomes difficult to engage in the process of change and growth.

If you think you need help to uncover the causes of your controlling behaviour and to make changes to strengthen your marriage, consider seeing a relationship coach or a counsellor.

Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.

2. Practical steps to take

There are also practical steps you can take to help you loosen the reins and improve your relationship:

1. Work on yourself first

Being controlling is usually a coping mechanism for anxiety. It is not uncommon that we project our undesirable attitudes onto our spouse when we feel lousy about ourselves. If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.

2. Accept your spouse unconditionally

Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.

3. Learn to manage stress well

When we feel overwhelmed by life events and situations, we can become controlling towards others as a way of coping with our insecurities. So, if anxiety is fuelling your controlling behaviours, you can alleviate it by working on your stress management skills.

4. Examine irrational beliefs

When you notice that you’re starting to exhibit controlling behaviours, ask yourself: What about this situation is making me scared or worried? What am I afraid of? When you are able to press “pause” and become more self-aware, it will help you to let go.

It takes courage to admit that we are the controller in the marriage, especially if it is feedback from our spouse.

If left unchecked, controlling behaviours often do more harm than good to your marriage. It is thus important to first acknowledge the behaviour is unhelpful, and then identify the causes behind it so that you can work towards positive and sustainable change.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

10 Essential Ways to Prepare for Parenthood

Getting the news that one is going to become a mother or father for the first time may send a flurry of excitement and butterflies all at the same time. Envisioning our cute little bundle in our arms, we read up voraciously, google online for tips on what to expect with each pregnancy week. We browse through baby catalogues and shop online for the best baby equipment to ease our little one in. We spend time mulling over plans for the new nursery and all sorts of new parent dilemmas.  

In the heart of every well-meaning parent is the question: How do we REALLY prepare for parenthood? 

Here are 10 essential things you may want to consider.

1. Prepare financially

First, let’s deal with practical aspects. Having financial stability and healthy financial habits play a significant role in preparing for parenthood, especially in Singapore. So this may be a good time to sit down to discuss with your spouse the immediate, mid-term and long-term needs of your family.  

Family budgeting and planning is an essential habit that will serve you well at every stage of the parenting journey. Account for all the major expenses, including healthcare, education, childcare and daily living costs and consider if there’s a need to reconfigure some funds to support your family through the different life stages.  

Personally, being prudent in the early years of parenting has helped us stretch our dollars. My husband and I welcomed hand-me-down clothes and toys and other essential baby items that served us well for short periods of the children’s growth. This helped us bolster our savings for big-ticket expenses like health insurance, medical treatments or family holidays. 

2. Simplify your schedules

Second, unpack your schedules where possible to have sufficient rest and recovery time, especially for the first six months. It may also be good to discuss with your spouse how your family will transition through the early years of parenthood where you might need more help and support.  

Parental leave policies are well-established in Singapore and can be instrumental in helping you ease into the first few years of parenting.   

Realistically, we will struggle to do it all without trading off something else like our own sleep or wellbeing. 

3. Recognise your limits 

For new parents, the fuss and attention often goes to the baby’s well-being. We may want to live up to the supermum or dad ideal, yet we only have 24 hours in a day. Realistically, we will struggle to do it all without trading off something else like our own sleep or wellbeing. Finding breathing space in the first few months is critical for our wellbeing as we navigate the changes as a family. 

My husband and I agreed that I would take 6 months off full-time work to care for our firstborn and also to help me manage my rest and new responsibilities like nursing and baby-care.  

We also decided to engage post-natal confinement help for our earlier children when we were less experienced parents to help ease us in our learning curve. Having an extra hand helped us free up time from cooking and chores, and allowed us to rest and recuperate more.  

4. Foster emotional support 

Emotional readiness and mental resilience is crucial for all prospective parents. Parenthood comes with a myriad of challenges and changes, from sleepless nights to balancing work-life demands. The deep joy and responsibility that comes with raising a child also comes a hair-raising spectrum of emotions: self-doubt, worry, overwhelm and even disappointment.  

Building a strong support system of family, friends, experienced parents and parenting communities can help gird us with the ability to manage better the emotional ups and downs.  

5. Expect stress  

Becoming a parent is a major life transition. Any kind of transition, no matter how well equipped or prepared, entails some degree of stress. Despite our best intentions and preparations, we will probably need to be open to adjust our plans as we go along. Revise your expectations of yourself as you adjust to the new demands. 

Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it, as a small break from the routine can go a long way. 

6. Accept help, gladly 

We can’t do it all – even if we wanted to. Family, relatives, friends, neighbours and even co-workers are often more than happy to help, if you let them know what you need. It could be as simple as a short time out to nap, shower, or take a trip to the supermarket while someone you trust cares for your baby. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it, as a small break from the routine can go a long way. 

7. Trust yourself 

At heart, you WILL know what’s best for your baby. Filter through the mountains of solicited or unsolicited advice you’ll receive from friends, relatives, strangers, doctors and parenting blogs. Give ideas that sound good to you a shot and forget about the rest.  

8. Be kind to yourself  

 Parenting guilt often cripples us. We need to face the fact that no matter how much we prepare, we WILL make mistakes. There’s no manual on how to parent your children right. Even “experts” often disagree about what’s best for baby and no one can give us all the answers. As your baby grows, their needs will evolve and so will our parenting. Continue to learn and relearn from your experiences while embracing the process. 

Consider negotiating with employers on flexible work arrangements so that you can be there for your child’s milestones. 

9. Aim for balance 

In the longer term, carving out a healthy work-life balance is imperative for parents especially with Singapore’s fast-paced lifestyle and work culture.  

Consider negotiating with employers on flexible work arrangements so that you can be there for your child’s milestones. Prioritise family time by scheduling bonding activities on weekends, creating family traditions, and capturing precious moments.

10. Enjoy your baby AND your spouse 

Do not forget that even as you go through this journey of parenthood, your spouse is also growing along with you. While the baby may demand most of your time in the early days, remember to cultivate some meaningful time alone with your partner. Share about your hopes and fears, how things have changed, and how you can better support each other.  

Parenthood is a life-changing journey – to say the least. As a parent of six, I can say candidly that we can never be fully prepared. 

Even as our children grow, we too grow as individuals in the process, and as we learn through life experiences, we may find ourselves throwing some of our original mindsets out the window! As long as we embrace this journey with patience, support, and a healthy dose of optimism, we will find a way that works best for our family unit!

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

How to Declutter Your Marriage & Travel Light

Tidying up

“The best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don’t.” 

Japanese organisational guru Marie Kondo took the world by storm with her philosophy of tidying up. Instead of going from room to room to declutter your home, Marie suggests tidying up systematically by category, keeping only the things that speak to your heart and discarding those that no longer spark joy. Advocates of the Marie Kondo method have described her ideas as revolutionary, and report feeling more empowered to make clearer decisions based on whether or not an item sparks joy. 

In a similar manner, our marriages also need decluttering. And the longer you are married, the more your marriage needs to be decluttered.

When you say ‘I do’

Let’s travel back in time to the day you got married. You gaze dreamily into the eyes of your beloved; and everything around you seems to fade. You hardly even remember your wedding vows; all you can remember is that somewhere down the line you uttered the simple two words, “I do.” 

At that point in time, everything about your relationship seems to radiate joy — the newness of the marital relationship, the marital home, planning for children.  

But years later, you realise that your marriage has become cluttered with too many things. After all, life is not a fairytale, and there is no such thing as a fairytale marriage. So the grudges, the hurts, the grievances, the resentment all build up and clutter up the marital space. As husband and wife, you do try to tidy up. You try to work on your issues one at a time, but it’s not as easy it you’d hoped it would be.  

Perhaps we can take a leaf from Marie Kondo, and apply some of her tidying rules to our marriage: 

  1. Commit yourself to tidying up 
  2. Imagine your ideal lifestyle
  3. Finish discarding first
  4. Tidy by category not by location
  5. Follow the right order
  6. Ask yourself if it sparks joy

1. Commit yourself to tidying up

If we want our marriages to work, we need to commit to them. My wife and I have been married for more than 15 years, and we have had our fair share of quarrels. But one thing both of us decided early in our marriage is for it to be our first priority, and that no matter what happens, we will stand together for our marriage. If couples commit to making their marriage work, they may be more likely to overcome the challenges that life throws at them.

2. Imagine your ideal lifestyle

What is your ideal marriage? While there is no perfect marriage, there are ideals we can aim for and work towards. Every year, my wife and I ask each other “What is one thing I can do in order to be a better spouse?” We have learnt that if we are able to articulate what we want from our spouse, and if we know what our spouse wants from us, we would then be better prepared to work on our issues and become a better person.

“While there is no perfect marriage, there are ideals we can aim for and work towards.”

3. Finish discarding first

As a counsellor, I know that each of us goes through many struggles. Many of our hurts stem from experiences in our childhood, our families-of-origin or are caused by incidents in school.

We sometimes need help to deal with our past hurts, be it through sharing with a trusted friend, a mentor or a therapist. This is one of the first steps to decluttering our marriage – dealing with the years of trash accumulated even before we got married.

4. Tidy by category not by location

There are so many different aspects of our lives that we could possibly work on. So, where do we begin?   

If finances are an issue, seek a money manager who can help in this area. If you need help with communication issues, perhaps an online class on marital communication would benefit you. As for deeper emotional hurts, seeing a counsellor might be the way forward for you to learn new skills and narratives to process past grievances and resentment.

5. Follow the right order

What is the right order? Marie Kondo states that there is an order in which you declutter your house – first declutter things that are less personal, working your way to the more personal items.  

Likewise, for your marriage, start with the issues that seem obvious to you and your spouse. In counselling terms, these are the “presenting problems”, or issues that appear to be causing the most strain to your marriage.   

As you tackle these problems, the more personal items or “root issues” will gradually surface. Sometimes, it helps to work through these difficult issues with a marital therapist. 

6. Ask yourself if it sparks joy

Do the day-to-day interactions with your spouse spark joy?

If the answer is no, then take time to refocus on other aspects of your relationship that spark joy. Contrary to popular opinion, there is always something new to be discovered in marriage. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson’s Developmental Model of Couples Therapy states that there are four stages in a marriage – the honeymoon, early marriage, middle marriage and long-term marriage periods.

Essentially this means that couples experience different challenges as they go through the different seasons of their marriage. It is important to understand what are the unique challenges that you may be facing right now in your marriage, and intentionally search for things that spark joy for the both of you.

For instance, during the years when your children are young, you could carve out date nights with your spouse. Or when your children are themselves getting married and moving out of the home, you could both learn a new hobby to rekindle the spark.

“It is only when we begin to deal with the past hurts in our lives that we can make space to rekindle joy in our marriage. “

Changing your habits 

“People cannot change their habits without first changing their way of thinking.” 

Old habits die hard. Many couples get trapped in negative ways of dealing with the issues in their marriage. It may be a difficult step to first commit to decluttering our marriage but it is a much-needed one. Perhaps it is only when we begin to deal with the past hurts in our lives that we can make space to rekindle joy in our marriage. 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Playing to My Strengths As A Father

In today’s world, fathers are increasingly expected to play equal roles with mothers in terms of hands-on care. However, many of us grew up in an age where fathers played more traditional roles, leaving childcare mostly to the mothers. Lacking in role models from their own lives, some fathers may find it intimidating to bond with or care for their little ones, or even struggle to juggle both traditional and modern expectations of fathers.  

As a father to two young children, I too have felt inadequate. I often compared myself with mummy, who seems to tackle modern motherhood effortlessly, whether it was bringing home the bacon, cooking, cleaning, or caring for the children. Her list seems infinitely longer than mine! 

Though self-doubt continues to be a struggle, I have come a long way in building my confidence as a father. A time of personal reflection, as well as regular affirmation from my wife, has led me to realise that as a father, I play a unique and irreplaceable role in the family.  

Here are some ways I have learnt to step up in my role as a father.   

“Parents each have unique interests and personalities that can contributed to enriching our children’s development.“

1. Leverage one’s unique personality and interests  

While it is good for parents to recognise our weaknesses and build on them, it should not blind us to our existing strengths. My wife and I have unique interests and personalities that have contributed to enriching our children’s development.  

In terms of interests, my wife exposes the children to arts and crafts, cooking, and applies her experiences as an educator to help them learn subjects such as English. As for myself, I bring my sense of humour and creativity to playtime and storytelling, expose my children to mechanical and open-ended styles of play through toys such as Lego and Transformers, and introduce them to other interests like coffee-making. 

Personality-wise, my wife brings more energy and spontaneity, and a sense of adventure to our outings together while I bring a tender love and warmth to our relationships, which creates an atmosphere of safety and acceptance in the home.  

“Avoid unhealthy comparisons with other parents, and zero in on each other’s strengths and contributions to the family.“

2. Recognise that we contribute to the family differently

It is human nature to compare ourselves to others, especially in terms of performance and ability. While this can sometimes serve as a benchmark for growth, such comparisons can become toxic when we cling too tightly to unrealistic standards.  

Rather than compete on who is the “better” parent at home, it has been helpful for my wife and I to take time to reflect and affirm each other – and ourselves! – on the different ways we contribute to the family.  

For instance, my wife is better able to juggle the many tasks at home, spanning from household chores to caring for the kids. She is more natural at keeping the house looking fresh and homely, in part by keeping a lookout for good deals on household items. As an educator by profession, she keeps a better pulse on our children’s learning needs and school schedules. Finally, as the more adventurous parent, she keeps abreast of events and activities that the family can enjoy. 

On the other hand, I am better at managing conflicts and meltdowns at home, whether it was between my wife and I or with the children. I am also good at giving the children undivided attention and tuning in to their interests and thoughts, which helps boost their confidence and self-esteem. Finally, I feel better able at guiding the family on making bigger decisions, such as career choices, choosing where to stay, which school our children should go, managing finances and big-ticket expenditures.  

 

3. Surround yourself with resources and like-minded persons  

Nobody wakes up as a competent parent from day one. Many skills that experienced parents demonstrate today are hard-won from experience or passed down from other parents. Similarly, I had to educate myself in the areas where I lacked. One key way was to leverage modern technologies to accommodate my busy lifestyle. For example, I follow parenting accounts on social media for bite-sized tips and tools which I can absorb on-the-go. 

It is also important to get connected to gain support and learn from others. For example, we got connected with fellow parents of younger children and have regular get-togethers. This exposes us to various styles of parenting, while simultaneously helping us and our children to build lasting friendships. We are also members of online parenting groups where we regularly get advice from on a wide variety of parenting issues.  

“Papa’s home!!”
Every day when I come home, my children shout for joy and run towards me for a giant bear hug. 

This image of my children welcoming me home is seared in my mind and heart. It keeps me going as a father. I once thought that my role as a father was easily replaceable, but this could not be further from the truth; there is no replacement for the role that we play in our family.

To my fellow fathers, if you are struggling with self-doubt over your ability as a father, take heart: At the end of the day, our children do not want a different father, or a “better” father to be at the door. All they want is for their very own Papa to return home to them.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

What is the Difference Between Tantrums and Meltdowns

As parents or caregivers, we often hear other parents lamenting over difficult behaviours such as tantrums and meltdowns.  

While some may use the two terms interchangeably, do you know there are significant differences between the two?  

In this article, we will explore the differences between tantrums and meltdowns, and provide some practical handles on handling both. 

Tantrums are typically seen in younger children, usually between the ages of two and four, though this may extend to kids in older age groups. They are emotional outbursts characterised by frustration, anger, or a desire for something they cannot have.  

Tantrums often occur when a child’s needs or wants are not met, leading to an outburst of negative emotions. Typical behaviours include crying, screaming, stomping feet, hitting objects or people, and falling to the floor. Children may also use pleading or bargaining to get what they want. They usually end once they get what they want, or when they realise there is no benefit to continuing. However, sometimes, tantrums can spiral into a meltdown. 

Meltdowns are not manipulative, and are usually not within the child’s control. 

A meltdown is an intense reaction to feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or over-stimulation, and usually occurs when the demands placed on a child exceeds their ability to cope in the moment. Meltdowns are not manipulative, and are usually not within the child’s control. They are also more commonly associated with children on the autism spectrum or those with sensory processing difficulties.  

During a meltdown, a child may become agitated, exhibit aggressive behaviours, become non-responsive (like a computer that has shut down) and have difficulty processing language or instructions. 

How to handle tantrums

1. Stay calm 

During a tantrum, it’s essential for adults to remain calm. Reacting emotionally may escalate the situation. Take deep breaths, and remember that tantrums are a normal part of child development. 

2. Offer choices 

Whenever possible, provide children with appropriate choices to meet their needs. This can help them feel more in control, and nip tantrums resulting from frustration or a feeling of powerlessness. 

3. Validate their feelings  

Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it’s okay to feel upset. Use phrases like, “I see you’re upset because you can’t continue playing with the toy right now, but it’s almost time to leave.”  

Do not give in to tantrums, as this can reinforce the behaviour. Instead, teach your child to make their requests calmly. 

4. Set clear boundaries 

Establish consistent rules and boundaries. Children need to understand what is expected of them, which can reduce the likelihood of tantrums caused by confusion or uncertainty. Do not give in to tantrums, as this can reinforce the behaviour. Instead, teach your child to make their requests calmly. 

5. Use distraction 

Offer an alternative activity or toy to redirect their attention and diffuse the tantrum. Distracting them with something they enjoy can help shift their focus away from the initial trigger. 

How to handle meltdowns

1. Create a safe environment 

If you know a child is prone to meltdowns, set up a safe space where they can retreat during overwhelming situations. This area should be quiet, comfortable, and free from sensory triggers. 

2. Minimise stimulation 

If a meltdown is triggered by sensory overload, try to minimise environmental stimuli. Dim the lights, reduce noise, or remove the child from crowded places. 

3. Remain patient and understanding 

Remember that meltdowns are not voluntary and can be distressing for the child. Refrain from getting frustrated or making judgmental comments. Instead, be empathetic and patient. 

4. Provide post-meltdown support 

After the meltdown subsides, offer comfort and support. Help them understand what triggered them, and brainstorm new ways to communicate their feelings better in the future. It helps to write some of these ideas down on a whiteboard and keep them as visual reminders. 

Understanding the differences between tantrums and meltdowns is essential for responding appropriately to children’s emotional outbursts.  

Remember that tantrums are a normal part of a child’s development and can be managed well with clear boundaries and consistent caregiver support, while meltdowns require slightly different approaches, such as creating a safe and calm environment.  

By employing these strategies with compassion and understanding, we can better help our children navigate through life’s more challenging moments, and promote stronger emotional regulation, that can set them up for life! 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Mum, Here are 5 Signs You’re Being Too Hard On Yourself

We recently passed the halfway mark in 2023. Some people like to do a mid-term life review to ensure they are on track with their goals. Educational institutions have assessments or exams to evaluate their students’ learning.

Have you done a mid-year assessment of your role as a mother?

This may sound like a strange question to ask mothers, but if we care to admit, we are evaluating our “performance” more often than we realise. And the bad news is our self-assessment is often biased because as mums, we are our own harshest critics.

Here are five signs that we are too hard on ourselves.

1. We engage in unhealthy comparison  

Comparison is a killjoy in parenting. Knowingly or unconsciously, we compare ourselves with other parents – in the areas of academic performance or in aspects that we or our children are weak in. Does the following inner dialogue sound familiar?

“Why can’t I be like Macy, she is so adept at juggling work and family life…she just got promoted and her children are doing so well in school. What’s wrong with me?”

2. We overlook the “little wins” in parenting 

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.  

3. We blame ourselves when things go south  

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.  

4. We frequently use negative language

Whether it is expressed verbally or an inner conversation, we are inclined towards negative self-talk. 

“I am not good enough”, “I just can’t get everything right”, “I should have known better than to….”, “I am a bad mother.”

If any of these critical statements ring a bell, you are not alone. However, being overly critical of oneself can be unproductive and ineffective. It does not benefit anyone, much less our children, even if we are hard on ourselves and push ourselves to do better or to make our child behave.  

5. We put self-care on the back burner

Our children’s needs often take centre stage and we are so focused on meeting their needs that we forget to care for ourselves properly. Truth is, we can provide the best care for our children when we first care for ourselves. Prioritising ourselves can make us more effective in our parenting and ultimately, happier as individuals. 

One effective antidote to combat such self-defeating thoughts is self-compassion. So, what can we do to develop the art of self-compassion? 

1. Embrace unconditional positive regard  

Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist introduced the concept of unconditional positive regard as a key component in his person-centred approach to therapy. It involves showing care and prizing a person by unconditionally accepting whatever the person does or is feeling.  

While unconditional positive regard is often associated with counselling, it can also be applied in other relationship contexts (e.g., parent-child, husband-wife).  

We can apply unconditional positive regard to ourselves as mums too – accepting and valuing ourselves regardless of circumstances we face in our parenting.  

2. Learn to silence the inner critic  

    • Find the belief statements to set off the negativity
      For example, it could be: “What’s wrong with me; I can’t get anything right as a mother.” 
    • Fix the critical script by challenging it 
      Is it really true that you cannot get anything right? Even if you made many mistakes in parenting, there are instances where you have gotten things right. Recall those positive incidents instead of focusing on that one poor judgment call. 
    • Flip the self-defeating thought to a healthy or empowering belief 
      For example, replace the negative statement with, “It is not true that I can’t get anything right as a mother. There are instances where I did the right thing. I wish I had made a better choice in this matter, but I can learn from it and exercise better judgment next time.”

      Silencing the inner critic takes time, patience, and practice. Do not lose heart if you do not get it right in the initial stage of practising this technique. Keep at it and you will experience a positive mindset change.  

3. Prioritise your self-care

One of the best gifts we can give our children is a healthy and happy mother. So, make time to nurture ourselves through activities that strengthen the body, mind and spirit. 

Parenting is hard work. While it is beneficial to reflect on our actions or take stock of ourselves to learn and grow, as mums, we often take ourselves too seriously and judge ourselves more harshly than we deserve.  

Let’s learn to value and accept ourselves unreservedly and develop the skill of silencing our inner critic. What is one thing you will do today to be kind to yourself?  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

‘I Felt Like I’d Lost Myself as a SAHM’

Even though I was living my Stay-At-Home-Mum (SAHM) lifelong dream, I was losing sense of who I was.  

I had always wanted to be a SAHM because my mum was one. She was a very capable mum who did everything on her own, as my dad was often working late nights. I wanted to be like her.     

But when I found out about my first pregnancy, I was shocked. I couldn’t accept it. I was not ready to have a kid so soon, as we were only married for 6 months then. 

“All my dreams about spending time with my husband before kids came – travelling and haivng lots of freedom – were gone.” 

I cried and got angry at us.  

Things only got better when I first felt the baby move. It brought a whole new sense of wonder that there was a life within me, depending on me and connecting with me through all his movements. It was just amazing!   
  
This helped me come to terms with my pregnancy. When I delivered and could now put a face to my baby’s name, I was able to push on with the mentality that “Alright, I’m a mum. I’m going to be a SAHM.”  

However, this energy did not last very long.   

When my second child came along and we moved to our new home, I pushed myself very hard as the household depended largely on me. My sense of fulfilment was seeping away, drastically.  

My husband was often busy with work which left me alone at home all day. It was also too hard to bring my young boys out. I could not bring myself to give up staying home because this was what I said I had wanted.   

These thoughts were constant echoes in my mind:   

“I’m just a SAHM trying to run the household and parent the boys.”   
“I’m just a work machine completing the same daily routines.”   
“I’m just attending to everyone’s needs except mine.” 

“Although people told me that I was much more than that, I struggled to believe it.“

1. My very real struggles 

It came to a point where I was crying every week in the shower, wondering to myself if this really was all there is to being a SAHM? I cried out to God asking if motherhood was really meant to be this hard and without joy.  

I can coach, teach, and train my kids, but I really struggle with playing at their level. During pretend play, I found it hard to imagine a storyline and role-play with them. I was dead tired after one story, but they kept wanting more. I was overwhelmed with frustration as I felt I didn’t have enough rest to keep sane the next day and needed alone time to recharge.  

My reality seemed so different from some SAHMs who looked like they were winning at motherhood. I knew I needed help to break out of this dark hole — believing there were mums like me — but no one was talking about it. I desired to hear from these mums to learn perspectives and practical handles to cope.  

 Life had to go on and I was exhausted being stuck in a rut.

2. Opening up

I decided to share my struggles on Instagram in hopes others would open up as well. This gave me opportunities to meet with mums who resonated with my struggles. And I knew I was no longer alone.   

One of them shared that I was a stay-at-home-mum and not a butler. She asked, “Wanxin, you did everything like your mum, but are you a happy mum?” This stopped me in my tracks and helped me reframe being a SAHM. It should be about my kids and not the endless list of chores.   

Another mum shared that there is no fixed definition of how a mum should be, much less a SAHM, and I need to walk through this process and make this journey mine. While there is an overwhelming amount of information telling us the “correct” or “best” way to parent our children, it reminded me to be selective and see what fits my family, not the other way round.  

I also asked my mum one day, “How did you do it all back then?” It was their culture at that time to serve their in-laws and live with them. So partly, she had no choice but to do it. To my surprise, she mentioned that she enjoyed cleaning and scrubbing every tile and grout to perfection.   

My mum also said she regretted not having enough time with us. If she had the choice, she would have wanted to plan how much time to spend with us versus doing chores. I had misunderstood things all along… Cleaning to such high standards was her preference, not something I should expect of myself!  

Through these conversations, I’m slowly understanding the kind of mum I am.   

Gaining understanding of my own journey has put me in discovery-training mode now.

“I’m letting go of some expectations that I had placed on myself.”

3. Focusing on small wins

I’m learning to set goals and set aside time for myself. In the morning, I’ll change out of my pyjamas and dress in something I like. I try to eat, rest well and do what I enjoy (like pilates). I’m working towards finding more joy in this season I am in.  

I also affirm and encourage myself: You did well today. Your son needed to hear that, and you said that to him. You were very tired, but respected your body and didn’t force yourself to finish that household chore.  

I may not enjoy chores, but I enjoy cooking for my boys and feel appreciated when they say, “I love your food, Mama!” Now, I try to prioritise connecting and listening to what my boys are saying, and not get distracted. I’m working towards finding a balance between taking care of my family and myself, so that I can be a happy and fulfilled mum.  

If I could encourage myself today, I would tell myself: Motherhood is unique and personal, there is no mould to fit into — no comparison, no competition, no condemnation.   

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.