Resource Type: Articles

How To Embrace Fatherhood with Gusto

Isaac Tan laughed when he recounted how everything changed the first time his 18-month-old daughter, Julia, cried. He had to drop everything and attend to her.  

Nothing could have ever prepared the Creative Director of SGAG for that special moment. There was no time to warm up. It was drop and go.  

But he also reminisced, “That moment of holding Julia, my firstborn, in the hospital room, was nothing short of magical.”  

But those magical moments of first-time parenthood came sprinkled with a myriad of challenges. How did this young father cope? 

‘I’m first a husband’ 

Isaac acknowledged that the most difficult thing initially was the fatigue of being a new father. Having to tend to Julia through the night, support his wife, and handle the other household chores was not easy. But that’s where he gained an insight, “I’m not just a father…I’m also a husband.”  

Isaac recounted that he had made his marriage vows to his wife, and not to his child. That helped him to realise that one of the most important things in transiting to fatherhood was also to focus on his spouse as wife, and not simply as a mother to Julia.  

This focus on their marital relationship helped them to build a strong base to navigate the challenges of parenting, particularly in aligning their parenting practices as each had different experiences growing up.  

He thus made it a point to talk about their day before going to bed. “As we navigated parenthood together, we took time through communicating to align what we favoured more, in terms of a way of parenting, or what we didn’t like about a certain method or logic. We were also open to making adjustments along the way.” 

One of the most important things in transiting to fatherhood was also to focus on his spouse as wife, and not simply as a mother to Julia. 

There’s no one-size-fits-all 

Isaac recalls how his father took a different approach with Isaac and his brothers. His father spent one-on-one time with each of them, taking time to build trust and understand them as unique individuals.  

This experience has helped him realise that his next child could be quite different from Julia, and that he needs to learn how to be a father to each child.   

Learn from others 

While Isaac has picked up invaluable lessons on fathering from his own growing-up experience, he also sees the importance of having a community of support around him.  

However, amongst his peers, he was one of the first to get married and have a child. This meant that his peers couldn’t necessarily understand his situation.  

So he talked to older couples who had “gone a few steps ahead of us.” He shared vulnerably with them about his struggles and listened to their advice.  

This experience of gleaning from the wisdom of others has inspired him to take the initiative to reach out to other soon-to-be parents around him – starting from his colleagues at SGAG. 

He feels that these parents may not necessarily know what they don’t know, and thus may not even know what to ask.  

Questions such as “What do I bring when my wife is delivering the baby?” may not even come to mind. Thus, actively reaching out and sharing his insights has helped Isaac find joy in his role as a father.  

He mused, “Having someone looking out for (new parents) can help them feel less alone in their journey.”

Having someone looking out for (new parents) can help them feel less alone in their journey. 

Plan your time well 

Leading a team of creatives at SGAG on top of managing fatherhood duties has meant that Isaac needs to use routines and scheduling to his advantage.  

He shared candidly, “I want to take the guesswork out of things because you are just tired all the time.”  

He plans his day with Google Calendar, knowing his obligations at each moment of the day. That has also helped him to schedule time for self-care.  

“Scheduling is my number one pro-tip,” he added, “Early on in my journey of being a dad, everything was uncertain. I found that when you could make something certain, you would be a lot more certain about everything else.” 

Fatherhood may feel like a great responsibility, but it doesn’t need to be a lonely journey. Isaac advised, “We can cut ourselves some slack, every now and then. We’re all still learning, we’re all still a work-in-progress. Also, remember that it’s no shame to ask the rest.”  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

How to Nurture Your Youth to be a Confident Young Adult

We all want our children to grow to become responsible, competent, and confident adults. 

But what exactly does that look like, and how do we get there? 

Adulting is a term that’s been bantered around rather frequently now and is used by young adults to describe their new roles and experiences. Often, this is done with humour and tagged onto chores you have to pick up, new financial commitments and so on.  

But more than these things, young adulthood is also about stepping up – stepping into bigger responsibilities, wider social circles and navigating what the big (and sometimes scary) world means for you as an individual.  

Focus on the Family Singapore spoke with two young adults, Nicole Soh, 20, and Jakin Tan, 21, recently on IG Live, on this topic. Here, they share from a young adult’s perspective what adulting looks like, and some tips on how you can set your teen up for success in navigating this life transition and beyond. 

Tip #1: Create a safe space for conversations 

As Nicole is graduating very soon from polytechnic, for her, adulting for her means making a lot of big decisions about school and career. 

She recalled the time when she had to help her dad see the merits of a polytechnic education. Prior to this decision, she felt that conversations with her dad revolved mostly around grades. But as she became more intentional about engaging him in other matters, she found him gradually becoming more open about her pursuing a polytechnic education. Today, she appreciates that she has a safe space to discuss with her parents about the things she learns in school and other happenings around them. 

As for mum, Nicole is most appreciative of how she would ask probing questions as she was growing up, questions that would help her to form her own opinions on things, and to have greater clarity on why she wants to make certain choices. 

She said, “Dad and mum played different roles in my growing up years. I appreciate that they are able to bring very unique approaches to the table. And that they are willing to discuss things, and go back and forth with me.” 

Tip #2: Give them opportunities to make decisions 

Jakin is currently waiting to start his university studies in linguistics. But he still remembers vividly how his parents empowered him from young to make his own choices and weighing the pros and cons of each option. (He even kept the notebook he wrote in when deciding on whether to opt for homeschooling or formal schooling!) 

He credits his parents for instilling in him a strong sense of independence, and thinks it has helped him to be able to make his own choices, including understanding the “whys” that go into each decision. 

Tip #3: Let go, gradually 

Jakin described the process of letting go he witnessed in his parents when his elder brother started university, “Because my elder brother is living in a university hall and only comes back on weekends, so a lot of the time he’s living his own life. So I’ve seen my parents be able to chill, and recognise that they have no control over the choices he makes in school. All they can do is just trust that their parenting has been good enough.” 

“Now it’s my turn. When I make my own choices, I will have certain reasons, and if I explain it to them, they will let me do what I think is best for myself.” 

Nicole chimed in, “If you have younger teens aged 13-14, like just starting secondary school, not only do they have the world to explore, but there are also the dangers of the world. So, it’s totally valid and understandable to be a helicopter parent, to make sure the child is safe.” 

“So, on one hand, there are some things parents cannot be there 24/7. On the other hand, there are also instances where the kid wants to hang on for a little bit longer. I think when we have the foundation, we won’t be easily swayed and we know we can always come home to our family, where it’s a safe space.” 

“As parents, it’s natural to worry,” Jakin added, “but instead of telling your child not to do this or that, just educate them on what’s good and bad. Your kid will find out anyway, whether it’s about porn or sex, so it’s better to guide them as it will teach them how to make logical decisions.”  

Very often, parents may feel guilty for not doing enough. But very often, we already feel very loved when you’re just sitting there beside us, listening to us share about our day.

Tip #4: Sit beside them and listen     

It doesn’t mean that parents always have to do the hard work of education or encouraging our teens. Most of the time, our quiet presence is enough. 

As Nicole said, “Very often, parents may feel guilty for not doing enough. But very often, we already feel very loved when you’re just sitting there beside us, listening to us share about our day.”  

As parents, it can be hard to restrain ourselves from jumping in and making big decisions for our children, so we can “save” them from making mistakes. But if we look at the longer term, we may begin to see the benefit of allowing them some leeway as they grow to make certain choices and to raise their own viewpoints. 

By providing a safe space for conversations and heartfelt sharing to take place in the home, we are actually helping them gain a strong sense of self and identity, promoting confidence and responsibility, while also building a healthy parent-child relationship.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.  

5 Practical Ways for Mums to Overcome Discouragement

The dishes from lunch are still occupying the sink.  The toddler has been screaming ad nauseam for the past five minutes to eternity, having woken up from an unsatisfying nap and not finding you there. The kids are rolling into their fourth hour of television- while you are hacking your way through conference call after conference call. The house looks an epic mess, with toys strewn all over like a disaster zone. You have no clue what you’re going to put together for dinner, and you don’t care. You can’t care. Your boss is awaiting impatiently for your monthly sales report.  

I guess it’s not hard to imagine ourselves in the story above. We’ve all been there at some point, haven’t we?  

Days where we felt physically ill, mentally stressed, and simply overwhelmed as a mum, defeated and discouraged from the frontlines of motherhood.  

It’s easy to fall into that rut of despair and self-doubt when:  

  • The opinions of those in (or outside of) our circle nag at us  
  • We experience physical limitations, lack of time, lack of money, lack of space, sleep deprivation  
  • Our children’s and spouse’s attitudes, health concerns, or behavioural shortcomings wear us down 

Before we know it, we are at rock bottom.  

How do we dig ourselves out from the trenches of guilt and failure? Having to juggle work and kids can be tiresome enough, and even more so in this pandemic.  

It’s so easy to feel overworked and under-appreciated. Apart from fishing for gratitude or affirmation from the husband and kids, what can we do to help ourselves ride out the tough days? 

Rather than focus on the negative moments, look instead at how far you’ve travelled

Here some practical tips that can help turn our day around and get us off the ground and up on our feet again:   

1. “Life is a video, and not a photograph”

In other words, our bad moments do not define who we are in one freeze-frame. Our journey is made up of changing snapshots in time that could and often do get better, even if they occasionally dip and get worse. It is normal to feel discouraged today, but find hope and motivation tomorrow. We can get unstuck from a single frame! 

When a few days don’t work well and we hit some kinks along the road, have faith that it will all even out. We may lack the skills in the present for some things, but we can surely make up for it in other areas. Your kids can’t have a mum who whips up nutritious meals daily – but they usually have nourishing food on the table, save for some junk meals once in a while! Also, no mum never yells -ever!    

Rather than focus on the negative moments, look instead at how far you’ve travelled. And focus on growing a little every day. 

With the 90-second rule, it is important to acknowledge and accept that strong emotion, and to breathe through it. Otherwise, we may remain stuck in that feeling. 

2. The “90-second rule” 

In her study of the brain, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor discovered the “90-second rule of emotions,” which illustrates how transient feelings are. 

According to Bolte Taylor, “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.” 

With the 90-second rule, it is important to acknowledge and accept that strong emotion, and to breathe through it. Otherwise, we may remain stuck in that feeling. 

For example you might say out loud or think to yourself: “I am feeling very tired and grumpy right now,” and then find a way to move on: “But I will look into this after my bath.” 

Another way is to pause, and to visualise a wave washing over you. Name that wave of emotion, and allow it to subside. 

3. Accept where you are at

We don’t have to make excuses when things don’t turn out right. But we need to be honest and kind to ourselves to accept where we are and start making little steps to improve.  

“The house is a mess, it bothers me, but it won’t be like this forever. I can cope for a time and make small changes to the way I do things.” 

Don’t be tempted to start a pity party but take time to have a good cry and recentre your priorities. Avoid minimising the failure or frustration you’re feeling, but take the healthy step towards forgiving yourself and making progress forward.  

4. Have a long-term growth mindset 

Acknowledge that the parenting journey is for the long haul and some seasons are going to be tougher than others – New job transitions, getting pregnant, relationship issues with teens, health and personal losses.  

In the grander scheme of things, all these experiences can help to stretch us to become better, stronger and wiser than we already are. The growth mindset isn’t just for academic or athletic pursuits: it can be applied to parenting too! Don’t waste these difficult periods – even if they can be such a pain in the butt! These times will pass.   

5. Reposition your heart with gratitude

Positioning our parenting with a vantage point of gratitude is an important pick-me-up for how we see things on a bad day.   

Tweak our words. Resist saying “I have to,” and replace it with “I get to.” It really makes a significant difference.    

Compare this:  

“I have to drive my kid to gym class” versus “ I get to drive my kid to gym class today!”  

“I have to put the baby to bed” versus “I get to put the baby to bed!” 

This isn’t about bluffing ourselves or sugar-coating, but the words we use can make a huge difference to nudge us about the little things we’ve taken for granted that others can no longer turn back time to enjoy.   

A few bad days are just hiccups compared to the privilege of raising our little ones – and we all know we won’t trade it for the world!  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Letting Go of My Emerging Teen

The adolescent years can be such a trying stage – not just for teens, but also for us parents. During these sensitive and awkward years, our teens experience tumultuous changes on all fronts, their bodies often eager to charge forward like a new Ferrari, but their pre-frontal cortex (in charge of most of their reasoning, planning and impulse control behaviours) is playing catch-up.  

For every teen revving through this exciting wave of development, there is a parent clutching on to the roof handle and hanging on for dear life. Excited as we are watching our child growing to become their own person, and figuring out who they are as an individual, we are also holding our breath and questioning: Have we done enough? Will they sink or will they soar?  

Coupled with the rising tensions at home as parent and teen wrestle to be in the driver’s seat, it is not surprising to see why teenhood is often deemed the most difficult years since the terrible twos. 

Letting go of my emerging teen has been one of the hardest lesson for me as a mum – particularly since she entered Secondary One this year. I find myself often caught off guard by the inner conflict between my heart and my mind. Every so often, I ding-dong between wanting to keep my daughter close to me and releasing her to fly.  

But I tell myself that I am not alone with such feelings.    

Even parents with the best intentions have wrestled with letting go of their teens.   

Stepping back for our child to step up 

Author Gary Chapman in his book, Things I wish I’d Known Before My child Became A Teenager, writes, “I wish I’d known that the urge for independence is a good thing, not a bad thing, and that as a parent I needed to cooperate with and guide the process.” 

While we may know in our heads that a teen’s quest for autonomy and independence is a good thing, it doesn’t make it an easy thing to accept, in our hearts. After all, we have always been the ones shielding and protecting our children from harm, and making decisions that are in their best interest.  

In the midst of navigating this transition, two things have been helpful: One, recognising that letting go is a gradual process. Two, adjusting the way I parent and learning to be a coach to my growing teen.  

In moments when they fail, allow them to bear the consequences of their mistakes and use them as teachable moments. 

1. Letting go is a gradual process

By reframing letting go to letting (him/her) grow, parents can shift their perspective from, “I am losing my child” to ”I am getting my tween ready to be a mature and independent young person.”  

Letting go doesn’t mean we hand over the reins of control to our child and relinquish our parental role immediately. Instead, it involves a gradual, intentional process of giving them opportunities to take on increasing responsibilities.  

We can start our teen by allowing them to make small decisions like meals, wardrobe choices, room decoration, or weekend activities. As they show their responsibility and gain your trust, allow them to take on bigger decisions and be prepared to negotiate and make compromises when they offer their views.  

Resist the urge to say no to all their choices and support them as much as possible. Have faith that they will exercise good judgement for themselves. In moments when they fail, allow them to bear the consequences of their mistakes and use them as teachable moments.  

We need to learn step back and allow our teens to make the final decision. 

2. Changing role of parents  

When our children are younger, they need more boundaries, discipline and rules to ensure their safety and well-being. But as they develop into teens, parents need to adjust from being a cop to being a coach.  

As coaches, we are less directive and more consultative. We can ask questions, offer our views, share our experiences and give options. Even though we can be part of the decision-making process to offer possible solutions or evaluate choices, ultimately we must step back and allow our teens to make the final decision.  

Initially, stepping back can be scary. We cannot help but worry that our teens might make mistakes, and hurt themselves.  

Yet, we cannot deny the power of learning through the natural consequences of a poor choice or behaviour. As a coach, there’s only so much we can do and it’s up to our teens to own the process and eventual results.  

Making every life decision on their behalf is to rob them of the opportunity to learn accountability and critical thinking. And if things don’t turn out well, we may even end up being blamed if we had made the decision on their behalf. 

Keeping the end in mind 

As parents, it’s easy to feel like we’re losing our sweet and innocent child as they go through the challenging teenage years. But if we keep the long-term goal in mind – that is preparing them to be a mature and responsible young person – we will see why letting go is necessary.  

Let go to let them grow.  

Even flowers take time to grow and bloom, so what more our teens. Let’s keep them rooted with good values and the security of a loving family as their home base. At the same time, take a step back and allow them space to test out their “wings” so they can soar as high as they can.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

A Father’s Role in His Daughter’s Worth

As a young child, Charis enjoyed the praises of her mother’s friends when they saw her doing her homework. “What an obedient and hardworking child,” they would comment while observing their own children running around and playing.  

Somehow, those praises motivated Charis to continue living up to her reputation of being obedient and hardworking. She began to set high expectations of herself, and would always want to do her best. 

But when she went to secondary school and her peers began to outdo her in exams, her sense of self-worth started to plummet.  

How can we support our children’s self-worth without getting them to lower their standards totally?  

What is self-worth? 

With mental health issues coming to the fore, there is an urgent need to help children build a strong sense of self-worth, and to understand they are more than their achievements.  

Although Charis struggled in the beginning with peer and societal pressure, she realised in her later teen years that she “didn’t need to care so much about other people or the labels that they put on me, but rather to just focus on myself, on my own, knowing my own abilities, my own strength, my own beliefs and to feel secure in that.”  

She credits this self-worth as a by-product of the way her parents raised her. What did her parents do right? 

She can always be herself with us and have nothing to prove. 

Create a safe space  

Charis’ father, Wen Wei, has managed to build a safe space for her, largely by being a safe person. However, this doesn’t mean there were no mistakes made. 

Growing up, Charis was particularly sensitive to the word “stupid” being used on her. Somebody had done that once to her and Wen Wei made a mental note never to do the same. However, one day when Wen Wei was helping Charis through her homework, he got frustrated at Charis and snapped in exasperation, “Don’t tell me you’re really so stupid.” 

That sent Charis over the edge, and triggered a crying fit. 

Immediately after, Wen Wei had to send his other daughter to a swimming class but during the drive to the pool, he was so worried that Charis would do something foolish.  

That incident made Wen Wei realise the importance of being Charis’ safe place. He said, “She may feel like she has something to prove to other people, but she can always be herself with us and have nothing to prove.”  

Charis laughed upon hearing her father recount that incident. Having happened when Charis was still in primary school, she does not remember it. But it’s clear it had a lasting impact on Wen Wei.

Offer physical hugs and comfort 

During Charis’ frequent meltdowns, Wen Wei and his wife tried different methods every week to comfort her. But nothing seemed to work.  

One time, during a meltdown, Wen Wei decided to just hug her. Miraculously, it worked. Coupled with honest and open talks with her parents, Charis gradually managed to find her feet and step out of the shadows of self-doubt.  

Today, you might overhear Charis telling her friends, “Whatever tough situation you are in, hugs can solve everything.” 

Listen well and help them feel understood 

Now 22, Charis is moving into a new phase of life – from the safety of school to the world of work. Even as she sends out job applications, she often worries about the outcomes. However, she’s learnt to self-soothe by telling herself, “It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get an offer.” 

She attributes her growth in security to her father’s willingness to sit and have long conversations with her. “He has always given me that space to talk. He is a really good listener, and he has never imposed his decision or opinion on me.”  

“Sometimes I get annoyed,” Charis joked, “because I think it would be easier if he decides and then I follow, but I also appreciate that he helps lead me to a decision that I make, instead of telling me what he thinks first.” 

Genuinely enjoy them. Express that pleasure in them. Then delight in them, any time, every time. 

Genuinely enjoy your children 

Whenever Wen Wei’s children would disturb him when he was in the middle of something, he would try to stop and shift his attention to them.   

“My children are really the joy of my life. I try to communicate that with them as often as I can. Genuinely enjoy them. Express that pleasure in them. Then delight in them, any time, every time.”  

We all want the best for our children. But in the midst of pushing them to their maximum potential, we should not forget to hold them close. And to tell them, “I love you, whatever you do, however you do.” 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Why is it So Stressful Talking to My Kids About Sex?

My husband and I had picked our precociously energetic six year old from kindergarten one day following our usual routine. All of a sudden, she blurted out unbridledly from the backseat of our car, “Mommy, what’s an orgasm?”  

My ears did a backflip, while I sat stunned for a moment in disbelief at what I had just heard. My eyes met my husband’s while we exchanged raised eyebrows in what we felt was uncomfortable wriggle room. Fortunately, I recovered just in time to return a question in a quick serve.  

“What do you think it is, dear? And why do you ask?”  

“Today my teacher drew a picture of it on our white board…. 

“And it looks like something from under the water – from KorKor’s science encyclopedia!”  

Realisation came in a wave of relief and suppressed giggles. “Do you mean organism?”  

“Yes mummy, what’s an organism?”  

I laughed. We all did – having narrowly escaped being put in a spot in the most potentially  awkward conversation ever. While we are usually ready to teach our children anything they want to learn, (think reading, math, good manners), we aren’t AS ready to launch into graphic discussions about sex and how babies are made – despite knowing that it is an important conversation to address in their lives!  

Culturally, being raised in a largely conservative Asian society doesn’t help. Most of us may have never had such a conversation with our own parents. It is probably not wrong to say that parents in that era simply evaded this topic altogether, leaving their children to piece together the nuances of their sexual understanding through a collective smattering of euphemisms for sexual acts and body parts.  

Their only question after the talk was, ‘Can we go and play Lego now?’ 

A friend, a parent of four, recounted her experience (or lack of) bringing up the sex topic to her kids:  

“Their only question after was, ‘Can we go and play Lego now?’ I was self-conscious because it was not a topic someone spoke to me about. (I discovered the meaning of sexual intercourse from the dictionary, and it shocked me when I found out.) But I was determined to not pass such stigma down to my kids. I want them to see the gift and miracle of sex.” 

Psychologists like Joye Swan, chair of the department of psychology and social sciences at Woodbury University, California, reckons it “can be weird to think of our family members as sexual beings for the same reason it was weird to see our teachers outside of school.” 

Our kids may also find it difficult to accept parents giving advice on sex as it feels uncomfortable and awkward to visualise them in these roles as lovers or sexual beings, which disconnects from their primary roles and image as caregivers.  

Parents too, may find it unnatural to accept their child’s progressive coming of age – preferring to assume their child stays in a perpetual state of innocence.  

When the kids were about 10 years old, they would start to talk through the physical changes in their bodies, and even prepare a gift pack for them as they hit puberty, as a gesture of celebration. 

Ming, a 16-year-old, said she’d much rather google all her queries on sex than ask any graphic or awkward questions to her parents.  

Another teen commented that he would prefer to disassociate the topic where possible; preferring to have a teacher explain it as a subject in class.  

If we feel unsettled talking to our kids about sex, the kids, especially older teens, definitely feel it too. Nevertheless, how can we make this important topic more approachable?  

A fellow mum of three adolescents shared that she speaks with her girls separately while her husband tackles this subject with their son. As a family, they prefer to approach the topic as an ongoing conversation rather than a one-off talk.  

Starting as young as four or five, they would introduce concepts such as “good touch, bad touch” and parameters for physical touch and affection, such as when to give or receive hugs, within different social contexts.  

When the kids were about 10 years old, they would start to talk through the physical changes in their bodies, and even prepare a gift pack for them as they hit puberty, as a gesture of celebration.  

Some parents use books to lead them into conversations on sexuality, such as The Ultimate Girls’ Body Book: Not-So-Silly Questions About Your Body by By  Walt Larimore, MD , and Amaryllis Sanchez Wohlever, MD. (There is an equivalent guide for boys.)  

Most would agree that communication about sex ought to start when a child is very young and continue through his life stages and eventually when he or she forms relationships. No matter which stage your child is at, let’s start this conversation somewhere!  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

When Your Spouse is Overly Controlling

No relationship is perfect.  

But if you often feel powerless or wonder if your spouse is micro-managing your life under the guise of love, control might be an issue in your marriage. 

What are tell-tale signs of a controlling spouse?  

1. They criticise you frequently 

It could be a disparaging remark, such as, “You can never get the facts of a matter right” or sarcastic jokes about things your spouse knows that you are sensitive about, such as, “You are a first-class procrastinator.”  

When you express your hurt, your spouse would frequently invalidate your feelings by saying, “You are so sensitive” or “Why are you upset over a harmless remark.”  

2. They use manipulation to get what they want  

Silent treatment and the use of threats or ultimatums are some ways a controlling spouse gets their way.  

A friend once shared with me that her husband often gives her the cold shoulder to “punish” her if she did not follow his instructions.  

3. They dismiss your points of view 

They do not listen to understand, but to evaluate what is being shared. The oft complaint of the non-controlling spouse is, “She doesn’t listen to me at all” or “He likes to thumb down whatever views I have as if his view is the only valid one.” 

4. They think you are the problem   

When things go south, they do not take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they put the blame on your oversight.  

5. They make decisions for you  

If your spouse routinely makes decisions, whether it is on how you should spend your weekend, how you should discipline the children, or what you should wear for an important event without considering your needs or consulting you, it can be considered controlling behaviour.  

There are many reasons why people crave control: insecurity in the relationship, childhood trauma, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, perfectionism, or irrational beliefs about marriage. 

What are the reasons behind controlling behaviour? 

Maintaining a marriage with a controlling spouse can be emotionally exhausting but there is no need to write them off. Some people may not even be aware they are being controlling. They may think they are being protective or helping their spouse grow in their areas of weakness.  

There are many reasons why people crave control: insecurity in the relationship, childhood trauma, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, perfectionism, or irrational beliefs about marriage.  

If you have a controlling spouse, it is best not to expect overnight change. However, if the power dynamics in your marriage leads to abusive behaviour, do seek professional help straightaway.  

Have an honest conversation with your spouse about how their behaviour affects you and what you would like to change. 

How to bring about a balance of power 

1. Examine your role in contributing to your spouse’s control  

Consider if you are a people pleaser and often yield to your spouse’s demands just to keep the peace, or if you make excuses for your spouse’s behaviour because of fear.  

2. Have open and honest conversations 

Have an honest conversation with your spouse about how their behaviour affects you and what you would like to change. If your spouse refuses to engage in an open dialogue, consider penning down a heartfelt note.  

Tip: Write the note only when you are feeling calm. If possible, get a trusted friend to read it to ensure the tone is respectful and loving. 

3. Stop giving your power away  

In a healthy marriage, there is a balance of power and control. Whilst there are situations where the dynamic is tipped in your spouse’s favour, it should not be a permanent or longstanding pattern. It is healthy for you to exercise your own power to choose and make decisions, not just for your self-interest but also for the interest of your marriage bond. 

4. Establish healthy boundaries with consequences 

Decide what you are and are not going to accept in your relationship. For example, you do not want them to nitpick and find fault with everything you do. Whenever you think the criticism is uncalled for, let your spouse know in a firm and kind way. If they continue with the behaviour, you may want to walk away from the scene.  

5. Understand the reasons behind the controlling behaviour 

It is helpful to understand the cause of your spouse’s need to control others. Reframing their behaviour will help you avoid feeling exasperated whenever they are overbearing. With patience and understanding, you may even be able to help them become less controlling. However, being empathetic does not mean you should excuse any abusive behaviour. Seek professional help if you think your spouse’s controlling behaviour has crossed the line.  

6. Nurture supportive relationships with trusted friends and family 

Relating to a spouse who has a need to be in constant control can rob you of your peace. They know your soft spot and may sometimes attempt to make you yield to their demands. You need trusted friends and family who can affirm you and help you stay grounded.  

Living with a spouse who is controlling does not mean your marriage is in serious trouble unless the controlling behaviours are excessive, and physical or emotional safety is compromised. Some spouses are controlling only in certain aspects of the relationship, so it may be good to take an honest look at these areas.  

It is possible to recalibrate and maintain a healthy level of power and control in the relationship when you and your spouse engage in honest and open dialogue and come up with strategies to rebalance power in the relationship.  

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.  

5 Questions to Guide You In Resolving Couple Conflict

Given a choice, most of us prefer living peaceful and conflict-free lives, especially when it comes to our marriage and families. 

But conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. While unhealthy conflict with lots of shouting and physical violence can cause a lot of grief and heartache, most everyday conflicts are made up of disagreements and misunderstanding, and when dealt with constructively, can help us to grow in our understanding of our spouse. 

What does healthy conflict management look like? 

Fighting constructively means keeping your eye on the prize – a peaceful resolution of the conflict and strengthening of the marriage. It also means not attacking your spouse, or hurting them intentionally through insults, name-calling or threats.  

It could mean calling for time-out when the emotions run high and finding a more conducive time and setting to talk things through. 

At that time, you may use these 5 questions to help guide the conversation. 

1. Are you ready to talk about what happened? 

This question gives you and your spouse a moment to decide if you’re truly ready to discuss things, or if you simply need more time to process. 

If both of you are ready, and the setting is conducive and calm, then proceed to the next question. 

2. What caused you to react in that way? 

Asking this question helps your spouse process their experience and figure out what could have been happening internally. Recognise that we could be more prone to having big reactions when the issue is a sensitive one for us.  

For example, if we were frequently criticised while growing up, we may get easily triggered when our partner criticises us.  

If you are the one asking this question, do give your spouse time to think and respond. Refrain from making judgmental comments about what has been shared; instead, focus on listening and reflecting to your spouse what you’ve heard. 

For example, “So you felt criticised and hurt when I said this. It reminded you of what you experienced in your growing up years. That was what caused you to blow your top.” 

Refrain from making judgmental comments about what has been shared. Focus on listening and reflecting to your spouse what you’ve heard. 

3. What emotions or thoughts were you experiencing in that moment?  

It can be hard identifying and expressing our difficult emotions and thoughts, especially if they occurred in the heat of the moment, when we may not be at our best. However, it is still worth exploring – our emotions can provide critical clues as to what might be going in within us, and help provide clarity and point the way forward. 

Try to be a safe space for your spouse by first acknowledging that there are no right or wrong emotions. This will help keep their defences down. 

If he/she raises some thoughts that you think do not have any basis, allow them to share their points of view first. Later, you may want to gently question or challenge that thought.   

For example, “When you saw the picture of me and my colleague together, you felt insecure and jealous. And you thought that I was having an affair behind your back. I can see why you’d jump to that conclusion, but have I ever done anything to break your trust in me?” 

4. How do you think we can resolve this?    

After sharing emotions and your personal perceptions of what happened, this is where you can kick into brainstorming mode. 

Here, don’t be too quick to dismiss any ideas. Just jot down all the ideas and strategies that the both of you can come up with.  

Once you have a couple of possible solutions, review each one critically. Make a call as to which would be the simplest to implement, yet would make the most impact to your marriage. 

Going back to the scenario of the suspected affair, perhaps one workable solution is to simply avoid situations where you’re dining alone with a person of the opposite sex. And if a situation crops up that you cannot avoid, then make it a point to give your spouse the heads up. 

5. What would you like to see happen? 

Although resolving conflict is a lot about problem-solving, we can also make space to re-imagine what we desire for ourselves and our marriage. 

So this question could possibly help you to go beyond not doing something, to doing something that is desirable and good.  

Going back to the example where the spouse felt criticised, one action point might be to intentionally affirm your spouse at least once a day, say for cooking a nice meal or for picking up your dry-clean laundry without you asking. 

Although resolving conflict is a lot about problem-solving, we can also make space to re-imagine what we desire for ourselves and our marriage. 

Using this simple 5-question method, we are hopefully able to move from understanding each other’s readiness, reactions and emotions, to finding solutions and looking forward.  

It will take practice, and you’ll also see some near hits and misses along the way, but don’t lose heart. Keep working on your communication and conflict skills, and in a couple of years’ time, you’ll be reaping the rewards of what you’ve sown into the relationship! 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.  

6 Signs That Your Marriage Needs Help

When your marriage turns stormy and whisperings of sweet nothings morph into shouting matches or cold wars, it can be hard to hold onto hope that things can change for the better.  

The exasperation and sadness that we feel when our closest relationship isn’t doing well can be very difficult to deal with. 

Is it possible to bring back the love and connectedness we once had with our spouse? How did things turn south seemingly overnight?  

Is it worth seeking external help such as marriage counselling?   

Questions like these might be flooding your mind. Here are six tell-tale signs that your marriage may need a helping hand. 

1. Almost every conversation turns into an argument 

Having a normal conversation with your spouse – where one person doesn’t end up shouting – is next to impossible. 

It feels like you are in combat mode all the time, and you may even avoid bringing up certain topics that you know are sensitive, such as visiting your parents, sharing the household chores, or your finances.   

If everyday conversations with your spouse leaves you feeling angry, misunderstood, judged, or hopeless, you may need to learn new ways of communicating and how to set realistic expectations. 

2. One or both of you have mentioned “divorce” 

Perhaps during one of your fights, one or both of you have raised the possibility of separation or divorce. Whether it was said in the heat of the moment or it is really something you’ve thought about seriously, the fact that the possibility was raised is a red flag. 

It would be good to seek timely help from an objective facilitator who would be able to help you identify the root causes of your conflicts, and equip you with new tools to resolve them. 

Be willing to talk about the offenses that have occurred, instead of denying or burying your hurt feelings. 

3. Conflicts end with ice-cold silence 

It could be that you and your spouse are afraid to voice opinions for fear of “rocking the boat” or are simply too emotionally drained to want to deal with the issues at hand, so you end up staying silent instead of communicating your needs or hurts.  

This inability to express your real emotions, when allowed to continue over a prolonged period, can widen the rift between the both of you. Be willing to talk about the offenses that have occurred, instead of denying or burying your hurt feelings.

4. Criticism and defensiveness are common occurrences 

When one party launches into a complaint by criticising the other, it can often result in defensiveness in the one who feels attacked. This negative cycle can be hard to break out of, but it can be done.  

First, be aware of your emotions and take pains to bring up an issue when both of you are feeling calm, and using more statements that begin with “I feel…” instead of “You always…” 

When one party launches into a complaint by criticising the other, it can often result in defensiveness in the one who feels attacked. 

5. You feel you can no longer trust your spouse 

If you feel the need to hide what you have from your spouse – from personal bank accounts to email accounts – there could be trust issues in your relationship.  

Or maybe you are struggling to trust that he/she is being faithful to you and would constantly try to check their messages when they’re not looking.  

Trust is an essential part of marriage; without it, it can be tough for couples to build a marriage that can withstand the ups and downs of life.   

6. Your sex life has seen changes  

If you are having a lot less sex, or none at all, it could build up resentment in the relationship or a sense of emotional distance.  

Such a change in your emotional and physical intimacy tends to spill over to other areas in your relationship. Sex is designed to bring bonding and closeness to a couple’s relationship, but the emotional wounds that you carry might be a dampener to your bedroom activity. Don’t allow your hurts to fester uncontrollably, as the issues could snowball and create even deeper wounds. 

Should you seek marital counselling? 

Our marriage needs to be a relationship where we feel secure, safe, and loved. If going home to each other is nothing more than sharing a house, or worst, associated with fights and tension, it is a clear sign that something needs to be worked on.

Those feelings of love and joy you once felt with each other can be rekindled. But it does take time, patience, a willingness to face the tough issues and emotions head-on, and in some cases, counselling help. 

Many couples procrastinate in getting help for a variety of reasons. Don’t let hang-ups about counselling, or hopelessness, get in the way of your marriage and your wellbeing. Even if your spouse is unwilling to seek help, you can go ahead on your own to learn new ways of communication, which can still benefit your marriage.  

Remember, change often begins with small steps, and it can start with you.   

If you are hitting roadblocks in your marriage, do consider seeking counselling help as soon as possible. 

Bedroom Talk: How to Grow in Sexual Intimacy

Communicating your desires in the bedroom can be a daunting and awkward affair -and certainly not the regular fare of topics that most married couples would readily jump into!  

Many couples probably may not perceive this to be an important facet of marriage life. However, just as how engaging in regular communication on different aspects of life with our spouse helps make a great relationship — communicating our thoughts, feelings and emotions about sexual intimacy is no exception.  

The ability to talk about sexuality to our partner could be the key to enhancing marriage intimacy and relationship. 

The truth is a healthy sex life in marriage is a great gift, and it is something to be enjoyed and nurtured through open and honest communication. Studies have shown that couples who talk more about sex have more satisfying sex lives and are more in tune with each other in real life. Knowing how to please your other half also builds relationship confidence and has good ripple effects for your marriage.  

How can couples work towards achieving good, open communication in sexual intimacy?  

For example, you may not be interested in sex because you’re overburdened with housework or worried about meeting your sales target. Yet instead of sharing about the source of frustration honestly with your partner, you send signals of irritation that could be hurtful or misconstrued.  

Creating a safe environment to be open and honest with each other about potential roadblocks to sexual desire forms a good foundation for sexual intimacy.  

Joyce Brothers puts it aptly, “Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.”

Despite this, many couples find sharing their sexual needs and desires more difficult than actually having sex. This is because one needs to be vulnerable to share your feelings, express what you like, and be open about what pleasures your body.  

Some may worry about being rejected or hurting their spouse unintentionally or are simply unsure of how their spouse may react to their preferences.  

If there are issues in your sex life, talking about it honestly and sensitively with your spouse might be needful in order to strengthen your relationship and mutual understanding, while working towards ways to meet each other’s needs.   

I remember that with each new child we welcomed into our family, bedroom activity would take a dip for a period of time while we adjusted to our new family dynamics.  

Sex was the last thing on our minds and the first priority was to get as much sleep as we could – without waking the baby! It really helped that both of us were on the same page in understanding the ebb and flow of family life and gave each other space to adjust our expectations in the midst of transitions.  

Here are some common areas that might be worth checking in with your spouse about:  

Changes in sex drive

Desires for intimacy can be affected by circumstantial changes such as health issues, e.g., sexual dysfunction or mental health issues like depression. They could also be affected by important transitions in life, such as welcoming a baby, post-partum recovery, transiting to a new job, periods of heightened work stress, etc.  

These are periods when new levels of understanding need to be forged and when the affected party may need more support from their other half.  

If your spouse is experiencing challenges, do be attentive to their emotions and feelings. Your spouse will appreciate your listening ear, and validation of their feelings. 

Mismatched libidos 

It is not uncommon for one spouse to have a stronger desire for sex than the other. This may be an obvious statement but sex SHOULD be enjoyed. If sex is not enjoyable for one party, it could lead to resentment or avoidance.  

If your spouse expresses discomfort or seems to be making excuses to avoid sex, it may be time to have an honest discussion about what needs to be added, changed, or altered for both husband and wife to have an enjoyable experience. Check in with each other on ways to come to a compromise in meeting and satisfying each other’s needs.  

How to go about family planning   

This could be an important aspect to discuss for those who may feel the pressure or desire to conceive for a variety of reasons. Discuss each other’s priorities in your current season in life and how that may affect family planning and intimacy.  

For example, a wife may feel her biological clock is ticking whereas her husband prefers to focus on his career and financial security before starting a family or having more children.  

Both concerns are valid and each couple needs to navigate that so that these conflicting desires do not affect intimacy. Are both spouses ready to grow the family with ongoing responsibilities at hand and what are the support systems in place? Knowing the “whys” will help couple’s understand their shared goals and align themselves as a couple for that particular season of life. It can also help relieve the pressure once there is understanding and acceptance from the other.  

Always the one initiating sex  

This could be a sensitive topic to deal with especially since we may have certain expectations while having autonomy over our own bodies.   

Sexual rejection can fuel personal insecurities about attractiveness and value as a partner, with thoughts like: Does “no” mean “I’m no good”? or “Is my spouse no longer attracted to me?  

The key issue is learning how to negotiate sexual boundaries and learning how to say “no” without damaging your relationship. Reassurance is key in affirming and showing our spouse that they are loved, wanted and needed. Compensating with relational intimacy, affection, talk or cuddle time could be one way to reinforce this to our loved one.  

It can be awkward embarking on this journey with your spouse, but think of it as an area of growth for you both. With practice and intentional investment, you will reap the rewards of a fulfilling sex life!