Resource Type: Articles

What Teens Really Want From Their Parents

Adolescence, with its associated issues and angst, has baffled parents from generation to generation. You can almost hear them asking: What exactly does my teen want, and how do I maintain my relationship with them?

Recently 4 teens went on CNA938 to share with Susan Ng what teens really want from their parents, and how parents can bridge the communication gap with them.

‘More independence and space to make mistakes please’

Most teens want independence, but what does this look like?

17-year-old Nicole recalled adapting to a very different environment and culture when she started her polytechnic studies. “I think initially, you really want to be your own person and just do whatever you want without your parents controlling.”

At 14, Zoe felt that life now is “in an awkward zone when you’re expected to behave like an adult but you’re treated like a kid.”

While she craves independence to juggle her different responsibilities, it does not mean she wants to be left completely alone.

She confessed, “It’s not like I have my whole life figured out. I definitely need my parents’ help because they have gone through so many experiences, and made so many mistakes and learnt from them.”

That said, Zoe thinks parents can give teens some space in areas where they are more aware of what they are doing.

“I think they can have some freedom to actually make their own decisions as we all have to go through certain experiences to learn. If we make a mistake, we’ll learn not to do it again,” she added.

While she craves independence, it does not mean she wants to be left completely alone.

Okay, we get it. Teens just want more independence and space. But often parents want to know that their teens are safe, and be informed of what they’re doing or who they’re hanging out with.

Parents want to keep the communication lines open but at times it seems like the teen is retreating and distant.

So how do we begin to bridge the gap?

1. Start slow with us

Inspired by a Pinterest post, Zoe shared this quote with those tuned in, “Don’t discourage your children just because they are making a change.”

If your teen has grown distant, and one day he or she starts to open up to you, don’t respond with sarcastic remarks like, “Oh, you’re finally telling me all this” or “Wow, you’ve come out of your cave”. Offer a listening ear and empathetic comments like, “Oh, that sounds tough” or “I think you gave your best”.

For Nicole, what works for her is to open up the conversation during meal-time. She mused, “As a family, we treasure our dinners very much because that’s when we can have ‘together time’ and have those conversations that are important to us.”

Another 14-year-old, Jillian, also suggests starting slow. Make small conversations often, beginning with questions that are safe and neutral, such as “How’s your day?” or “What have you been working on at school lately?”

Don’t discourage your children just because they are making a change.

2. Let us know you’ll be there for us

Even when our teens seem distant and quiet, they like to know that somebody is looking out for them and will always be there if they need help.

Zoe confided, “I might not want to share what’s bothering me, maybe I’m not ready yet. But it feels good to know that my parents are there for me. It’s like an assurance that I’m not alone in this problem.”

For Jillian, knowing her parents are available to talk about her worries at the end of the day is very comforting. Decompressing together makes her feel safe in their relationship. Such moments help build the emotional connection between parent and teen.

“Even though my parents may not have gone through the exact same thing, they can still relate to what’s going on.”

Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and we really don’t need you to shoot us down. We only hope that you’ll try to understand our struggles.

3. Empathise and don’t judge

When our teens approach us with a problem, it’s vital that we listen first, withholding judgement or reacting quickly and emotionally.

Zoe shared, “Accept us for our problems and flaws, and don’t underestimate the issue just because we are kids. As teenagers, life can feel pretty crazy, with homework, sports training and other responsibilities.

“Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and we really don’t need you to shoot us down. We only hope that you’ll try to understand our struggles and points of view.”

4. Tell us we are loved

It can be hard to express love to a teen, what with their sometimes erratic and difficult-to-read behaviour. But it doesn’t mean we stop trying to say “I love you”.

16-year-old Sean said, “Sometimes friendships don’t go well, and school is stressful. At times, I feel that there’s nobody here for me. Then I remember that, oh yeah my parents are always there for me. They always tell me they love me, so okay I’m not alone.”

For Zoe, that feeling of being loved in spite of her mistakes and blunders is hard to describe. The assurance of her parents’ love reminds her that they trust and believe in her, and it can carry her through some of the hard days.

So parents, don’t hold back the “I love you” even if it seems awkward. Look for opportunities to keep that door of communication open, and to find ways to express your love and admiration for your teen.

Connection with our teenagers is established with a million little steps, and we only fail when we stop trying.

© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Top Conflict Triggers in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

My wedding – 12 years ago – was one of the most memorable days of my life. I still vividly recall the overwhelming feelings of elation like it was yesterday. The excitement from a wedding can propel most newly-weds into marital bliss for the ensuing few months, at least. However, once the honeymoon period is over and the realities of life set in, those once intense feelings of bliss may fizzle out.

We had our first child a year after we got married and as a result, our marriage relationship underwent a sea-change. From dreamy newly-weds, we morphed into sleep-deprived, barely functioning parents.

Even though we had discussed parenting goals before marriage, actually becoming parents was a totally different ballgame. We found ourselves having to talk through and resolve multiple points of conflicts in our relationship.

Our 12 years as husband and wife has brought about an awareness of the conflicts that we easily, and sometimes, unwittingly trigger as we walk through this journey of life together. I would like to believe that we have learnt (and are still learning) to navigate our differences, appreciate the complexities of each other’s personalities and create a loving home life that looks beyond being just functional.

Our 12 years as husband and wife has brought about an awareness of the conflicts that we easily, and sometimes unwittingly trigger.

Chores

A conflict trigger that appeared fairly early into our marriage – even before the children arrived – involved how chores around the house would be divided and the expectations we both had.

From the onset, my husband and I agreed that I would do the cooking and he would do the washing up but we didn’t consider that we would have different points of view with regards to even the most basic of these chores. When it comes to dishes, I like to do them right away. My husband, on the other hand, likes to do them later.

In the beginning, every time I walked past a sink full of dirty dishes, I cringed but would keep silent because I wanted to appear as the gracious, understanding wife. I soon realised that not addressing the issue only caused my resentment to grow.

Thankfully, we’ve discovered that our conflict about household chores was easily resolved by honestly sharing our expectations of each other. My husband was unaware of my irritation over a sink of dirty dishes and I realised that he was not intentionally leaving those dishes unwashed. I made it a point to trust that he was putting in his best effort to get the chores done while he made it a point to get his portion done as soon as he remembered them.

Parenting

My husband and I grew up in very different family environments. He came from a Chinese-Eurasian family and spent his formative years overseas, while I grew up in a strict Chinese-Peranakan family.

These differences came into play especially after we had children. We have disagreed on multiple occasions, ranging from disciplinary strategies and childcare arrangements, to even nutrition!

Over the years, we’ve learnt that resolving conflicts over parenting is best done without the children present. This is not always easy especially when you are in the heat of the moment and want to work out an issue then and there. Whenever possible, we try our best to hold off resolving our conflict until the children are out of earshot.

Resolving conflicts over parenting is best done without the children present.

Money

When it comes to finances, my husband and I are still a work-in-progress. In the last few years, however, we have learnt that discussions over finance work best for us when we deliberately schedule an appointment with each other. We usually do this after the children have gone to bed.

Setting aside a specific time to discuss decisions and issues concerning money helps us stick to the plan and reduces the temptation of talking about more light-hearted matters. It allows us to share our expectations, concerns and values openly with each other. We have also used this time to discuss important life decisions (for example, career choices) together.

Although these are the top three stickiest issues for us, and perhaps for many couples out there, at the end of the day, we need to understand that marriage is a journey of a lifetime.

Every year together brings new and exciting discoveries about our spouse. We can use these as opportunities to appreciate each other better. When we begin to see each other as a tag-team and work towards resolving conflict as honestly and lovingly as we can, our marriage relationship is strengthened and we find ourselves in a better position to create a safe, secure and loving home environment for our children to grow up in.

This article was written by Sue-Ann Lee. 

Life is a journey, and we want to walk with you. In need of a listening ear? Come speak to our qualified counsellors today.

4 Games to Help Kids Manage Big Emotions

THIS ARTICLE INCLUDES A FREE PRINTABLE. 

My eldest son morphed into the Incredible Hulk overnight when he turned 6 years old. Meltdowns took on epic proportions, with cane breaking, furniture throwing, yelling and bashing.

What happened to my sweet, mild-mannered, doe-eyed son? Where did these raging emotions come from?

Teaching our children how to manage their emotions is not just necessary for their survival (and our sanity). Research suggests that emotional intelligence (EQ) is twice as strong a predictor of later success as IQ. Being aware of, understanding, and being able to manage emotions are all part of growing our children’s emotional intelligence.

Research suggests that emotional intelligence is twice as strong a predictor of later success as IQ.

Through a difficult process of trial and error and with the help of books, games, conversations with friends and professionals, my son and I are learning how to deal with his emotional outbursts.

Here are 4 activities that have been helpful to us in this journey – suitable for children aged 2 to 10.

Download PDF now (3.14 MB)

#1: How are you feeling?

Aim: Help your child identify his emotions

This activity involves pasting feeling faces on wooden blocks. It is designed to help your child reflect on their feelings through play.

What You Need:

  1. Plain wooden blocks
  2. Blue tack
  3. Feeling faces print-outs (Google “feeling faces printable”)

How to Play:

  1. Get your child to cut out the feeling faces and stick each face on a wooden block. (Older kids can print out plain emoji outlines and draw their own emojis.)
  2. Ask these questions as they are carrying out their activity: What made the block feel that way? What sorts of things might make you feel that way? Tell me about a time you felt that way.
  3. Continue doing this until you have a few emotions covered. Be sure to include both positive and negative emotions.

Recommended read: My Many Coloured Days by Dr Seuss, and My Mixed Emotions by Elinor Greenwood

#2: Disappearing Bubbles

Aim: Help your child understand that his feelings are temporary

We need to help our children understand that their emotions, like the passing rain, can and will pass.

It’s important that kids learn to understand their feelings, but it’s also true that feelings need to be recognised for what they are: temporary. Research shows that on average, an emotion comes and goes within ninety seconds. A child’s heightened emotions and parental pressure to get rid of the emotion can cause him to feel overwhelmed and stuck. We need to help our children understand that their emotions, like the passing rain, can and will pass. They won’t feel sad, angry, hurt or lonely forever.

What You Need:

  1. A bottle of bubbles

How to Play:

  1. Explain to your child that their feelings and thoughts are a bit like bubbles.
  2. Blow some bubbles – point out how some bubbles are big and some are small – just like how feelings can be big or small, happy or sad. Highlight that just like bubbles, our feelings don’t last forever.
  3. Ask your child to blow some “happy” bubbles. Get your child to talk about what makes him happy. Next, get him to try to stop the “happy” bubbles from popping. Have fun with this: your child can try to catch the bubbles in his hands or try to have a bubble land on his head!
  4. Comment on how some bubbles seem to last longer than others. Share times when you, as a parent, have felt happy either briefly or for a longer time. Reiterate that feelings don’t last forever.
  5. Repeat this process with other feelings, such as anger, sadness or worry. You may find your child wants to pop these bubbles quickly. It is helpful to respond by allowing him to do so. You may also talk about how such feelings often cause discomfort.

This activity can also be used to practise taking deep breaths. Teach them that taking deep breaths help to calm our bodies down when we get angry or anxious.

Recommended read: When Sophie Gets Angry by Molly Bang

#3: Feelings Temperature Check

Aim: Teach your child that there is a range of feelings

Research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere of our brains.

Children are used to taking temperature checks in schools and at the doctor’s. How about a feelings temperature check? A feelings thermometer is a visual scaling technique used to help children to recognise the different intensities of an emotion. This is useful as both children and parents can begin to notice when they are starting to become upset or angry.

Research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere of our brains. It further provides us with the opportunity to implement strategies before our feelings escalate and become more difficult to manage.

What You Need:

  1. A printed picture of a thermometer (Google “feelings thermometer template”)
  2. Coloured pencils and markers

How to Play:

  1. Talk with your child about how an actual thermometer works.
  2. Divide the thermometer into 4 sections. Add words to the thermometer. You may wish to use the following scales: calm, annoyed, angry, furious or calm, nervous, anxious, agitated.
  3. Draw faces to depict different levels of feelings and colour different sections in (use appropriate colours, such as blue for calm and red for furious). Talk about recent experiences and which level of the thermometer they would have been at.
  4. Discuss how easy or hard it is for them to calm down at the different levels and where on the thermometer is the best place for them to use strategies to calm down. (Generally this falls within the middle to calm range.)
  5. With older kids, you can discuss how they feel at the highest level on the thermometer – what they have noticed in their body, thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

We can also apply the feelings thermometer to ourselves and share what helped us to stay calm when things don’t go well. You may wish to use the thermometer daily to monitor how your child is coping and to find out what strategies are working.

#4: Memory Matching

Aim: Empower children to make mistakes and learn from them

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to think rightly about their failures. Instead of responding to mistakes with “I feel dumb”, they need to learn to view these as opportunities for growth.

What you need:

  1. A set of memory matching cards

How to Play:

  1. Shuffle and spread all cards out on a flat surface, face down.
  2. Players take turns to choose any two cards. Make a successful match and leave it face up on the table.
  3. When the cards don’t match, turn the cards back and say the words, “Oops, I made a mistake. I can learn from that,” or “Oops, I made a mistake, I can try again.”

By saying the above phrases over and over in the game, our children are learning a new pattern of thinking. This makes it easier for them to use those statements in real life.

Recommended read: The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires

This article was written by Sue-Anne Wu. Sue-Anne is a coffee lover and nature seeker. An avid reader, books are her lifeline in the choppy waters of life, marriage and parenting. She lives with 4 rambunctious boys aged 3, 6, 8 and 38.

These games are adapted from Creative Ways to Help Children Manage Big Feelings by Dr Fiona Zandt and Dr Suzanne Barretand, and Motivate Your Child by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

Growing Even More In Love With Your Spouse

“A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love.” – Pearl S. Buck

My husband and I turned 12 as a married couple this year.

With three children in primary school, and both of us working (albeit part-time for me), it can be challenging to find the time to tend to our relationship.

But still, we try.

I remember our first year of marriage quite vividly. As I got pregnant shortly after our honeymoon, we barely had enough time to get used to being known as “Mr and Mrs” before becoming “Dad and Mum”.

We got mad at each other often, had cold wars, and disagreed over the habits that we each brought into our marriage.

Thankfully, with some work, lots of conversations, and tonnes of understanding and forgiveness, we navigated our way through the minefield of early marriage and parenthood.

Healthy marriages allow room for negotiation, change and growth. If we had entered into marriage thinking that life would be just the same as it was before we said “I do”, we’d have been blindsided, and thoroughly disappointed.

Here are some things that have worked for us over the past 12 years:

1. Make time to talk about your relationship

When work and children take up the bulk of your energy and time, it can be easy to just let things slide where your marriage is concerned. My husband and I have noticed that even when we go on dates, it is hard to get through a meal without once mentioning the kids or any issues that we have experienced at work!

To help us focus on our relationship, we make it a point to ask each other questions, such as:

  • Do you feel loved? If not, how can I fill your love tank?
  • How can I better support you in your role as a father/mother?
  • What goals can we work towards as a couple?
  • How can we better work together as a team?

These conversations can be bite-sized, or even take place when you’re on the go. What is important is to create a safe space where we can share honestly, even if we are not happy about something, and to feel listened to and understood.

2. Seek to understand your differences better

When something about your spouse irks you, seek the “why” behind it.

For example, I found myself feeling annoyed by my spouse’s tendency to plan everything — right down to the nitty-gritty — and his expectation of me to do the same. While I can handle a high degree of ambiguity, he needs all the data and facts.

We had to find time to talk through it, and only then did I realise that it boiled down to his need for security and control. Without all the information, he felt things are out of control or not planned well.

I shared that while I understood his viewpoint, I needed to have clear guidelines for the task, and some time to execute it. I also needed to feel trusted to do it.

After this crucial discussion, we could sidestep unnecessary arguments because we had begun to see the issue from each other’s perspectives, and could focus more on meeting needs.

3. Learn to fight well

Arguments within marriage are bound to occur from time to time, but let’s try to choose our battles wisely and to fight well.

What does it mean to fight well? Here are some examples:

Instead of:

Using generalisations: You never … / You always …

Try:

Being specific: I felt [emotion] when you …:

Being curious: What happened?

Accusing: Why did you …? / Why did you not …?

Expressing your anger: I don’t know why I even bother making a nice meal.

Expressing concern: I was worried about you …

Making your request known: I need you to call when you will be late for dinner next time.

In Daphne de Marneffe’s book The Rough Patch, she describes a golden-ring mindset where both partners bring “his or her individual feelings into the ‘ring,’ and they think together about the problem at hand”.

“Both implicitly recognise that they are two people, each with a complex mind and body, which means that they can’t expect their communication to be magically, telepathically received. Even between intimates the distance between minds can be great, and it will take time to come to an understanding.”

When you can only see the negatives of your life partner, it can trigger certain ill feelings over time. But if you choose to appreciate the good sides, it can change the dynamic within the marriage.

4. Notice the small things your spouse does well

It is often easy to put on a critical lens when we view our spouse. Why can’t he help out in the home more? Why can’t she give me more space to chill and wind down after work? The list of “why can’ts” can grow long.

Stuart Shanker wrote in his book Self-Reg, “When you see a child differently, you see a different child.” The same principle applies to spouses.

When you can only see the negatives of your life partner, it can trigger certain ill feelings and pile on resentment over time. But if you choose to acknowledge and appreciate the good sides — perhaps he is really funny, or she is good with maintaining connections with people, or your spouse is simply dependable — it can change the feelings and dynamic within the marriage. This then creates the atmosphere for gratitude, positive change or collaboration to occur.

5. Focus on your own lane

Sometimes social media can feed our feelings of envy and jealousy. Pictures of exotic experiences, or frequent expensive dinners and gifts that others enjoy can trigger feelings of discontent in your marriage.

We should become aware of how certain media, people or environments make us feel, then be extra vigilant to allow into our minds only what is good for ourselves and marriage.

With the growth mindset, we can focus on developing the positive qualities that will help the relationship to flourish.

Applying the growth mindset in love

Psychologist Carol Dweck found that there exists two different mindsets. People either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

The growth mindset says:

    • You are still growing.
    • You can learn from your mistakes.
    • We all have strengths as well as areas to improve on.

The fixed mindset says:

    • Don’t even try.
    • My spouse is always like this, things will never change.
    • Don’t take the risk.

When we apply the fixed mindset to love and marriage, it seems like life should reflect what we see in movies: Love is easy, perfect, and simply “meant to be”.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Ask any couple who have clocked over 10 years in marriage what their secret is, and the answer will likely be: pure hard work.

Perhaps the best thing we can do for our marriage is to decide that we will do whatever it takes to make it work.

With the growth mindset, we can encourage the positive qualities—both within ourselves and in each other—that will help the relationship to flourish.

© 2020 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Is It Normal for Me to be So Angry with My Kids?

“Why am I constantly yelling at the kids?”

“Is it okay for me to be this angry?”

“What can I do about all these negative emotions?”

If you’re a parent of young children, you may have asked yourself these questions at some point of your parenthood career.

While we often turn to parenting books or blogs to help us get a grip on our angry outbursts, theory is often hard to translate into practice. For me, it takes some self-reflection to first identify the common triggers (or anger buttons), and then making a deliberate effort to practice calming strategies on myself.

Why is it so difficult to control our emotions?

Theresa Pong, former Principal Counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Emotions play an important part in our lives. They help us to survive and avoid danger. More importantly, they help us to allow others to understand us and for us to understand others. Thus, it is normal for us to experience a range of emotions including anger.”

She identified four broad areas that can cause anger to arise:

  1. Personal issues – such as having conflicts with other family members or issues at work
  2. Issues caused by others – such as when a family member accidentally breaks a glass at home or your boss tasks you to complete a task within short notice
  3. External events – such as when an electrical appliance or family car breaks down
  4. Unhappy memories – such as being pickpocketed during an overseas family trip

Questions to check if our anger is well managed

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you are managing your angry or upset feelings well:

  • Is your anger or negative feelings affecting your relationship with others?
  • Do you often entertain extreme negative thoughts, for example, “My kids are ALWAYS making trouble” or “My spouse is NEVER there for me”?
  • Are you constantly shouting, yelling or being hostile to your spouse/children?
  • Do you get physical often when you are experiencing anger?
  • Do you frequently act impulsively in anger, such as using harsh words on your family members, throwing things in anger, or using dangerous objects to threaten them?

As parents who have to juggle multiple roles such as caring for the kids, caring for elderly parents and work, we may find it difficult to get sufficient rest.

Being in a constant state of unhappiness and tiredness may leave us ill-prepared to deal with the multiple stressors of the day.

As such, we may find ourselves frequently in a fight-or-flight mode: At the slightest provocation, we will tend to react negatively.

The 5 steps to anger management

Fortunately for us, there are ways that can help. Theresa shared this 5-step solution to managing our anger well:

1. Be mindful of self

It is important for parents to notice how they feel when angry. For example, if you know you are about to lose your temper, your breathing gets shallow and quick, and there is tension in a particular part of your body, tell yourself these are signs you are in the “zone”.

The “zone” is when you are close to reaching your boiling point, and when you are more prone to over-react or lash out at others in such a way that you may hurt those around you.

2. Do not reject the feelings

Once you are aware that you are in the zone, do not reject the feelings. Some people perceive that it is wrong to feel sad or angry as it means they are weak. Tell yourself that it is normal to feel this way as all are us are made or wired to experience emotions.

3. Take a break

When you are in the zone or close to it, it is good to take a break. It may be just 5 minutes for you to retreat to a quiet space in your home or take a short walk around your housing estate, but this will help you to regulate your emotions and be more in control.

4. Attend to your thoughts and feelings

When you are ready, ask yourself these questions:

  • What emotions am I experiencing?
  • When was the last time I felt this way?
  • Where did these emotions come from?
  • Are there any voices in my mind that is making me even angrier (or intensify other emotions)?
  • What do I really want?

5. Act calmly

After going through the first 4 steps, you are likely to be able to deal with the situation in a calm manner.

For example, if your kids messed up the room after you have spent hours cleaning up, you can tell them firmly that you feel upset about their actions. Then administer a natural consequence such as having them clean up the room.

We can use angry moments as teaching moments for ourselves and our children.

Sometimes, our angry emotions are a cue for us to relook at the situation and see if there are areas we can improve. For example, maybe our kids are acting up more frequently because they’re feeling uncomfortable with certain changes or are feeling distant from us.

While practising the 5 steps shared above, do be patient with yourself and others as it may take time to see the results. However, acknowledge the effort you are making each day and celebrate the small successes. With each step you make, know that you are sowing the seeds of love and kindness in your family!

6 Great Ways Couples Can Prepare for Parenthood

Parenthood is an exciting and fulfilling journey, but it is also fraught with challenges, conflicts and many a sleepless night.

Is it possible to prepare ourselves well for parenthood?

And can we approach parenthood with a positive mindset?

Here are 6 practical strategies that have worked for me in my own parenthood journey.

1. Communicate your fears and dreams

If you’re planning to try for a child, it is vital to communicate with your partner what your hopes, dreams and even fears are about parenthood.

Sharing your feelings and thoughts in a transparent manner can help to build trust between you and your spouse, and also surface any challenges or differences in opinion, ahead of time, so they can be resolved before baby arrives.

Sharing your feelings and thoughts in a transparent manner can help to build trust between you and your spouse.

2. Anticipate challenges

We’ve all heard of the myriad challenges of parenthood: lack of sleep, difficulty securing babysitters and child-minders, and a general sense of overwhelm.

For many couples, juggling the different responsibilities of work and family can be a major challenge. When things get overwhelming, it is common for self-care and time together as a couple to get pushed to the bottom of the list. This can have a negative effect on our emotional health, as well as the marital relationship.

The first step to overcoming these challenges is to recognise that each season of parenthood brings its own set of difficulties, and to commit to working things out as a team.

3. Remember your spouse’s needs too

Finding a balance between caring for your spouse and your child can feel more like an art than a science.

However, this might require a slight mindset change on our part. We’ve found that when couples prioritise their marriage, the whole family thrives – including the children.

Make time to spend one-on-one time together regularly as husband and wife. You can rely on these scheduled couple dates to emotionally connect and communicate with your spouse.

They don’t have to be elaborate or expensive – even watching a movie at home together or playing your favourite computer game counts! The important thing is taking time to talk heart-to-heart, laugh and have fun with each other.

If you struggle to find time for intimacy, just schedule it and mark it down on the calendar. Remember that when something is important enough, we will somehow make it happen, so find a time that works best for you and your spouse, and get some help if you need to.

The important thing is taking time to talk heart-to-heart, laugh and have fun with each other.

4. Talk about household responsibilities

Different couples work out household chores differently. If you feel that you’ve been doing most of the heavy lifting, it may be good to discuss some possible ways that your spouse can chip in.

Often, you’d find that your spouse is willing to help, but isn’t clear on how to go about helping. Figure out some of the things you’ll be happy to split, such as one puts clothes in the washing machine to wash and hang, while the other takes it down to put it away, one gets the groceries while the other plans the meals, or taking turns for baby’s night feeds on weekends.

Once you’ve agreed on a plan, and both parties understand the expectations, caring for the home (and the baby) will likely be a smoother and more fulfilling process.

5. Strive to balance work and family

The early years of raising a child may feel more intensive as young children are more reliant on their parents. However, this is just one stage of parenting; you’ll have more time for personal interests and advancing your career as your child grows and becomes more independent.

Work and family responsibilities will be a constant juggle, so it’s best to take time to discuss your family and career goals with your spouse. When you’re both in agreement, it becomes a lot easier to work as a team towards achieving those aims.

Make time to review these goals as a couple, perhaps on an annual basis, and celebrate your progress, or consider if any of your goals need to be changed. Finding work-life harmony is a shared goal for both husband and wife – and it will take both of you to make it a reality.

When you’re both in agreement, it becomes a lot easier to work as a team towards achieving those aims.

6. Be part of a community

Being in a community of parents can provide much-needed support and encouragement for new mums and dads. Indeed, when challenges arise, it can be reassuring for new parents to realise that they are not alone; other parents have had similar experiences too.

Whether it’s an online forum or a new mums’ support group, try to seek the support and fellowship of more experienced parents around you. This way, you are setting yourself up for success in your journey towards parenthood.

Think about:

• What is one challenge that you can better prepare for before baby arrives?

This article was written by Joanna Koh-Hoe. 

© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

What Scolding Really Does to Your Child

Chris* will always remember his childhood experience with broccoli. Since he was young, he had always had a distinct dislike for that green vegetable. Perhaps it was the softness of the florets or the peculiar shade of green. Whatever the reason, he had never liked the vegetable, and had always avoided it when his parents gave it to him. When he was three, his parents divorced and his father remarried, and Chris went to live with his stepmother. That change in his life all but sealed his experience with broccoli.

Twenty years later, in the comfort of the counselling room, Chris shared with me that his stepmother took it upon herself to “cure” his disdain for broccoli and all things green. Whenever Chris refused to eat his vegetables, she would scold him in a loud voice, and if he still persisted, she would carry his high chair (with him in it), and place him outside the main door. There he would sit until he either finished his vegetables, or if he got so tired that he fell asleep in his high chair without finishing his food.

“It was the worst period of my life,” he recounted.

To limit the spread of COVID-19, many working parents are now working from home. With students doing home-based learning, our school-going kids are home at the very same time we are figuring out this new work arrangement. Distractions and interruptions can come more easily, potentially impacting our productiveness.

As you work towards a new norm with work and family life, consider how these 6 Rs could help you create a more successful and less stressful environment for everyone in the family!

Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.

According to American educator and author John Bradshaw, every child has feelings, needs and desires, and that if a parent cannot affirm these aspects of a child, he or she rejects the child’s “authentic self”. In his seminal book, “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, he talks about the impact of a parent’s rejection on a child, especially if this leads to shame. According to Bradshaw, shaming makes the child believe that he or she is wrong for feeling, desiring or needing something.

In Chris’ case, the stepmother was rejecting his feelings of disdain for broccoli. By first scolding him, and then carrying the high chair outside the house, his stepmother was entrenching the notion that it is wrong to feel disdain.

This was buttressed by the deeper feelings of rejection that Chris might have felt by other onlookers who passed by the house. Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.

Bradshaw calls this the shame identity; according to him, individuals who have been shamed on numerous occasions take on a persona of worthlessness and defectiveness.

Does this mean that we should stop scolding our children entirely? Especially since it would seem that scolding our children could lead to the development of a shame identity?

As a parent, a number of principles have guided the way I discipline my children:

1. Establishing Loving Boundaries

A friend once shared with me the concept that children are “persons-in-training”. I like this perspective very much and have adopted this paradigm when I guide my kids. Based on this view that my children are still-developing and ever-learning individuals, I work hard to establish clear and loving boundaries regarding is allowed or not allowed in my household.

For instance, screen-time is kept constant each day, and my 10 and 8-year-old sons are allowed no more than half an hour each in the afternoons after they finish their homework.

The boys are aware of this rule and while they may ask for more screen-time, they know that our stance on this is clear; they will not get any additional time, even if they beg, persuade or cajole us.

Through this process, the children learn the importance of boundaries; that they are there to keep the bad out and keep the good in.

2. Seeking to Understand

Children act up for a reason, and oftentimes it stems from their basic needs – they could be hungry, thirsty, tired, or emotionally overwhelmed. When we understand the reason why they throw a tantrum, we can anticipate and manage the situation better. For instance, large party gatherings could be a sensorial nightmare for the kids, and while they may enjoy the excitement of being in a crowd of friends, the environment might cause them to get emotionally overwhelmed.

As such, leaving the gathering just a little earlier (or later) could help to reduce the likelihood of any potential tantrum. Understanding leads to empathy, and we are then less likely to get upset with our children when we know that they are not misbehaving on purpose, but are instead communicating a physical or emotional need.

3. Removing and Replacing

We often share in our workshops that one way of managing our children’s emotions is to remove the negative behaviour and replace it with an action that is more socially acceptable. For instance, if the child is likely to hit another person when he or she is feeling anxious or stressed, it might be helpful to provide a tactile fidget that serves as a replacement object for the child to express his or her emotions.

Using such a replacement strategy, we can change our children’s negative behaviours to more acceptable ones.

It has taken many months of counselling to help Chris deal with the numerous issues associated with scolding and toxic shame. Over time he has learnt to deal with the years of pain that he had experienced through his difficult family situation.

But till today, he still refuses to eat broccoli.

*The names and identities in this article have been changed to protect their confidentiality.

 

Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 10 and 8.

Pornography was a Symptom of My Strained Marriage

Focus on the Family Singapore interviewed Christine and Joel (not their real names) about their difficult journey through first discovering Joel’s porn addiction, and then recovering from it. Here is Christine’s account.

Q: What was your marriage like before you discovered your husband’s porn addiction?

A: At the time I discovered the addiction, we were quite distant. I worked full time, and when I got home, my full attention was on the children. I think we had grown apart without realising it.

Joel was working part-time then since our children were 3.5 and 1.5 years old at that time. It was equally challenging for him as they were constantly falling ill.

We were so exhausted by the end of each day that we had little to say to one another. Being introverts, we both needed our own quiet moments. I stayed up and busied myself with my hobbies and online shopping, while he was doing his work or playing computer games.

Sex was the elephant in the room that we totally ignored.

Q: What were some of the issues you faced?

A: We lacked physical intimacy, given the limited energy and time we had.

But I think the lack of physical intimacy is often symptomatic of deeper issues.

    • Lack of connection in our communication:
      We communicated but it was often at the level needed for survival, such as I need you to pick up some groceries, or one kid needs to see a doctor. There were no deep conversations about our feelings or our needs. We were in the trenches of parenthood, and to a certain extent, it was every individual for himself.
    • Joel’s fear of rejection:
      We never talked about the need to be intimate. I didn’t want to, given the exhaustion. But I had always taken a pastor’s advice to heart (i.e., never reject the other party). But Joel never asked, perhaps due to fear that he would be rejected, or that I would find the act unenjoyable. Since he didn’t ask, I kept quiet too. Sex was the elephant in the room that we totally ignored.
  •  
  •  
    • Unspoken resentment:
      I resented having to go to work, while my husband was on part-time. We had discussed it to death and agreed that the children needed at least one parent to be around during their formative years. The nature of my work was better suited to a full-time arrangement. His job, however, often took him away from the home for long hours, and sometimes weekends. Hence a part-time arrangement for him seemed to work well.

      However, I struggled with mum guilt immensely. I missed my children, and would often feel jealous when my son seemed closer to my helper than me.

      Looking back, I think the resentment grew because we never had a chance to talk things out. To assuage the mum guilt, I turned to online shopping instead of pouring my heart out to my husband, or asking him to pray for me. I kept quiet about the mental load because I didn’t have the energy to quarrel about it. At that time, we had not come to a place in our marriage where we could argue without drama and rage.

I did not know whether I could trust anything he had promised me, or said to me, anymore.

Q: How did the discovery about his addiction make you feel?

A: I contemplated broaching the topic of divorce, but I knew that I was contemplating it only because it would hurt him. In my anger, I wanted to hurt him in the same way I had been hurt.

But even in the midst of these thoughts, I felt God speaking to me.

As I was mindlessly surfing the internet on my phone, hoping to find something to distract me from the pain, God said, “He’s addicted to porn, you’re addicted to online shopping and a whole host of things that numb your guilt and frustration. Are you any better than he is?”

A few hours after the discovery, I was still raging and angry. He was broken and contrite but I was not ready to forgive so easily. We were still not connecting as we tried to pick up the pieces. I called up a couple whom I trusted in our church, and they came over and counselled us.

It took a long while, but the night ended with Joel agreeing to be held accountable. I was still angry, but I accepted that I too had a part to play—by failing to connect with him and meet his needs.

One episode from that night stands out for me. Joel was trying to explain why he did not want to initiate sex with me. I remember cutting in and insisting that I did not understand. The older couple stopped me and told me that I needed to learn to hear Joel’s unspoken cry. It is not just about his words, but what lay beneath them. If I do not learn to hear it now, it would be a similar struggle to understand my kids.

Q: How did you emerge from the episode?

A: It took me quite a while to find that secure familiarity again. I remember heading out for breakfast with him the next morning and feeling as if I were walking next to a complete stranger.

Over the next few days and weeks, I fasted from my phone and computer and spent time in reflection and prayer. I realised that I needed to change. I was off-centre, and I was not dealing with my mum guilt and resentment. The result was that I no longer knew who I was, and I was constantly looking for quick, instantaneous solutions. It also made me extremely self-centred. As a result, I was no longer interested in connecting with my husband, or even hearing what his needs were.

I recall repeating the words of this hymn during that season of healing:

When love is tried
    as loved-ones change,
hold still to hope,
    though all seems strange,
till ease returns
    and love grows wise
through listening ears
    and opened eyes.

When love is torn,
    and trust betrayed,
pray strength to love
    till torments fade,
till lovers keep
    no score of wrong,
but hear through pain
    love’s Easter song.

We look back on that episode now and agree that it was one of the defining moments of our marriage. It was a wake-up call for us to work on our marriage NOW and not assume that there would be something there for us to work on, after the children are grown.

I am also convinced that when we hold fast to the marriage, and work through the pain of betrayal and hurt, our love matures. It transforms into a love that runs deeper because you learn to say that I will love this person no matter how strange he has become, or how much pain he has brought me.

It was a wake-up call for us to work on our marriage now and not assume that there would be something there for us to work on, after the children are grown.

Q: You’ve talked about hearing his unspoken cry. Have you heard more of what he is trying to say since then?

A: I hope so! I don’t profess to hear his unspoken cry all the time. But it is a reminder to me when we have our arguments, to slow down, and not just allow my emotions to take over.

It has become a guiding principle for me whenever my children come to me, and attempt to tell me something. There is something restorative about listening to what lies beneath all that emotion, and reflecting it back to the person. I see it at work when I help my children articulate their feelings. They look at me, grateful to be understood, and it helps them on the journey back to security.

Q: What do you and your husband do together to strengthen your marriage?

A: We walk a lot. Walking helps us open up and talk to each other. So we take long walks, which creates a space to share about the deeper issues that matter to us.

We’ve also cultivated the habit of sharing our devotions with each other. It could be a verse from our reading, and is sometimes as short as 1 sentence. We also pray together every night and make it a point to chat before we go to bed. These small changes have helped us to grow closer.

Take action:

    • If you need help resolving difficult issues in your marriage, speak to one of our counsellors today.

Make a stand for marriage! It is hard work, but it is worth it. Download a free guide “How to Date Your Spouse Again” for practical ideas to date your spouse.  — only at Celebrate Marriage.

© 2020 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Surviving the Teenage Transition

“I don’t know what to do with him! He used to be my little boy, and he would come to my room every day to tell me what he does in school. Nowadays he doesn’t even want to eat dinner with us. It’s the phone. He takes the phone and goes into the room and closes the door. I don’t know if my son is even the same person anymore!”

When she came to my counselling room, Mrs Chan* was an emotional wreck. She talked non-stop about how her 14-year-old son Jeremy* spent hours on end playing Internet games. And it affected him so much that all his grades suffered.

Jeremy no longer had a desire to do anything other than play games, and even when the family went on a recent trip to Australia, he was on the phone for most of their car journeys, and even bugged them to return to the hotel room early so he could get back to his games.

On the surface, Jeremy’s issues centre around gaming addiction. And I have referred him to a centre known for their work in this area. However, there are also deeper issues that stem from his parents’ lack of understanding on how to manage their children as they negotiate the difficult transition from being a tween to a teen.

Human development theorist Erik Erikson identified 8 stages of psychosocial development that all individuals go through. The 4th Stage, “Industry vs. Inferiority”, occurs during childhood (from 5 to 12 years old). During this stage, children begin to do things on their own and their peer group starts to gain greater significance.

As children move into the 5th Stage between the ages of 12 to 18 – Erikson described it as a tension between “Identity vs. Role Confusion” – they become more independent, and begin to look at the future in areas such as relationships with families and friends.

There are also deeper issues that stem from his parents’ lack of understanding on how to manage their children.

This is a crucial stage where the child learns the roles he will occupy as an adult. There is a heavy emphasis on identity and on discovering exactly who he or she is. Successful development leads to a strong sense of identity, while inadequacies result in a poor self-image and role confusion.

To help children manage this difficult transition between stages 4 and 5, parents need to support their child in negotiating the complex issues of peer influence, relationships and identity.

1. Help Them Manage Peer Influence

Friends are a major influence on a child’s life. And the process apparently starts during the pre-school years. I happened to be outside a childcare centre one evening after they had organised a Christmas party. I observed a girl who was dressed in a lovely princess dress. As the child was picked up by her father, one of the other mothers made a comment, “Quite pretty. But I think my girl’s dress is nicer.” It dawned on me then that sometimes the competition between children stems from their parents.

Some years back, my niece told me that she was the only one in her Primary 2 class without a handphone. She was in a top school, and it seemed like everyone in her class had the latest phone. But her parents refused to give her a phone. Though her classmates had made fun of her then, my niece refused to bow to peer pressure. I think it’s because she understood the reasons why her parents did not want her to bring a phone to school.

When our children understand the purpose behind us making certain decisions, and imbibe the underlying values, they are in a better position to stand up against peer pressure.

2. Model Healthy Relationships

Like peer pressure, a child’s notions of relationship are largely formed when they interact with their friends in pre-school and in primary school. Sometimes, an unintended consequence of adult teasing is that children begin to believe that boys and girls cannot be good friends without the presence of romance and love.

Children also form an understanding of these concepts from the media and entertainment they consume, where there tends to be an over-emphasis on the physicality of the relationship. In addition, the media does not present a full picture of love, and often fail to accurately depict conflict and conflict resolution.

It is therefore imperative for us to address these gaps; the best way to do this is to model what relationships are about through our day-to-day interactions. For example, we tell our kids that Daddy and Mummy love each other very much. But there are times when we don’t agree on things, and may quarrel with each other. However, at the end of the day, we choose to talk to each other about how we feel, and try to come to a common understanding on what to do about the problem.

3. Give Them Space to Express Their Identity

Identity formation is one of the most important struggles of a teenager. Most of the parent-child battles that occur in the tween-to-teen years arise from this struggle to understand, and express, who they are. This is characterised in terms of their physical appearance, emotional and spiritual preferences, as well as their expected role and place in society. Pop singer Britney Spears said it best in her song “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” While I’m not a Britney Spears fan, I feel that sentence encapsulates what a tween/teen is going through.

To help children in their quest of self-discovery, we can practice the concept of “loving boundaries”. As adults, we have to set the boundaries of the exploratory process. How far would you allow your child to go in the process of finding himself or herself? It would not be wise if there are no limits, and the child ends up wandering off a cliff in the search for his or her identity.

Identity formation is one of the most important struggles of a teenager.

At the same time, we also need to provide warmth, a listening ear, and a touch of love. When the child is young, a strict parenting style might be effective in terms of achieving compliance. However, as the child approaches adolescence, a more measured response is preferable. We may find that a more collaborative approach in the way we communicate with our kids, rather than barking out instructions, more effective in the long run.

Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information.

4. Support Their Decisions

As our children grow up, they begin to make more and more important choices that will affect their future. As parents, we can empower our kids in their decision-making. On one hand, we want them to be independent to make their own decisions. Yet on the other hand, we want them to make the “right” choices. Sometimes these two paths do not cross, so we need to be at peace with whatever choices that our children make, even when they may not appear to be the best.

A collaborative approach in the way we communicate with our kids, rather than barking out instructions, is more effective in the long run.

There will be ups and downs in this journey as your child grows and enters adulthood, but remembering that you’re on the same team will help your relationship to thrive. Here are some tips you can practice today!

  • Don’t take rejection personally. Understand that they’re going through challenges of their own.
  • Do less talking and more listening.
  • Assure them you are there when they need to talk.
  • Schedule regular one-on-one dates, whether it’s for a walk, or for coffee.
  • If limits need to be set, broach the subject when you’re both calm and are not in a rush. Brainstorm together for solutions, rather than directing. Communicate your concerns and feelings about the issue at hand.
  • Give your teen room to grow and make mistakes.

* Names have been changed to protect clients’ privacy.

Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 9 and 7.

Extramarital Affairs: Can There Be a Second Chance?

Most couples enter marriage with intention of savouring long-lasting marital bliss. Nobody expects themselves or their spouse to have an affair. However, the unfortunate reality is that affairs do happen.

An affair usually arises when there are perceived or real unmet needs in a marriage. Lack of intimacy, poor communication, unresolved anger, undercurrent issues, and emotional distance are all common traits of a marriage in crisis, according to Larry Lai, Head of Counselling and Principal Psychotherapist at Focus on the Family Singapore.

“There is usually something missing in the marriage relationship that has resulted in one or both parties feeling frustrated or helpless and instead of resolving the issues, one party chooses to fulfill their unmet needs outside of the marriage” he adds.

There is usually something missing in the marriage relationship that has resulted in one or both parties feeling frustrated or helpless.

Having personally known couples who have journeyed through infidelity, Larry has also witnessed, first-hand, their successful recoveries. Here are some of the key factors necessary for healing after an extramarital affair.

Be prepared for the long recovery journey

The first and foremost thing is for the wrongdoer to admit and accept responsibility for committing the affair, acknowledge the hurts and injuries they have caused, and seek forgiveness. The next and very difficult step, especially in the case of a long-term emotional affair, is for the wrongdoer to commit to ending the affair and restoring the marital relationship.

Larry emphasises that both parties must be prepared for the tough and long-drawn process in an affair recovery and restoration journey.


“Realistically, it may take 1-2 years, if not longer, for both parties to fully heal, through the help of individual and couple therapy,” said Larry.

Be willing to forgive 

Forgiveness is another key ingredient in moving on after an affair. Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness.

Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness.

This is arguably the hardest step to take for the wronged spouse. When your spouse betrays your trust and causes you deep emotional hurt, you may have a strong need for vindication or justice. Forgiveness is likely to be the last thing you want to extend.

However, it is important to realise that forgiveness not only frees the wrongdoer from shame and guilt and allow him to start afresh in rebuilding the relationship, it also frees you to focus on your own healing process.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but it does mean not using the incident against your spouse in the journey ahead. It also doesn’t mean that the pain and hurt automatically vanish; you will still need the time and space to grieve as your marriage has changed irrevocably.

Rather, forgiveness facilitates your own internal healing process. It is only through forgiveness that you can free yourself and focus on restoring and strengthening your marital relationship without the encumbrances of the affair.

Seek good counsel

Working with a counsellor can help facilitate the healing and restoration process. A counsellor will generally work with both of you, through individual and couple therapy, to identify the unmet needs in your marital relationship, and guide you in the work needed for healing and restoration.

For instance, it may be necessary to establish new boundaries for re-building trust in your marriage with regards to interactions with the opposite sex and improve on the accountability and transparency in your marriage.

Take it one day at a time

The best thing you can do for yourself during the recovery period is to take things one day at time.

For those with children, the challenges might seem even more overwhelming because it will be hard to hide your stress. Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information. Don’t weigh your children down with the details or play the blame game.

Do take care of the parts of your family life that you still have control over to provide a semblance of security and stability for your children.

Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information.

Infidelity does not have to signal the end of the road for a marriage but with the willingness from you and your spouse to forgive and work on your relationship, your marriage can be given a new lease of life.

© 2018 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

If you have unresolved issues in your marriage, or are dealing with marital infidelity, speak to one of our counsellors today.