Resource Type: Articles

How to Rekindle the Sparks of Marriage

We all enjoy a good love story, especially stories of deep, faithful love that is built over the decades. The film Up tells one such story about Carl, an elderly man grieving the loss of his wife and lifelong love, Ellie. A few friends even shared that they teared when watching the prologue of Carl’s journey with Ellie!

Up resonates deeply with us because we too long for a love as enduring and deep as Carl’s. I believe in the possibility and power of such a love. However, it can be challenging to keep the fire going as life gets overtaken by routines and responsibilities.

Here are some things my wife and I do together to rekindle our spark:

1. Revisit happy memories

As much as the present moment is important, looking back helps us remember how far we have come today. My wife and I regularly revisit the happy moments we had together, such as before we got married, before our first child was born, and even joyful moments with our children.

Occasionally, we also involve our children in commemorating cherished moments from the past, such as when we got our son to recreate a photo of us from 10 years ago!

Revisiting the past is not about resisting change or wishing that things were the way they used to be. Rather, remembering our journey together helps us grasp the depths of the love we have built over the years. As we remind ourselves of exciting or warm memories, it inspires us to envision similar possibilities in our future together.

2. Be the safe space for each other

Out of all the skills essential for nurturing a relationship, the ability to listen is perhaps the most crucial. Listening is not just about hearing; it involves suspending judgment, empathising, and avoiding presumption as far as possible. Many of us appreciate when someone listens to understand and acknowledge us, rather than glossing over what we said too quickly or trying to fix our problems.

One way to nurture a safe space is to practise give-and-take when listening and sharing. It helps to pay attention to how much we have shared, and to ensure our spouse has sufficient “airtime” to unload as well.

When marriage becomes the safest space, it nurtures faithfulness; both husband and wife can return to the marriage to refuel for the next trying day.

3 . Practice admiring each other

When responsibilities and obligations mount over the years, it is easy to forget that our spouse is the one we fell in love with, whether in the passionate romance of days past or even during the wedding!

Though it can sometimes feel unnatural in our stoic Asian culture, we have tried to build a habit of admiring one another. This can be in simple actions, such as a loving gaze, affectionate touch, or saying “I love you” regularly. One thing my wife and I do is to show each other off.We do not withhold praise when we talk about each other’s strengths in public! Such admiration of our better halves helps prioritise our marriage as the number one relationship in our lives.

The process of rediscovering each other helps retain a sense of adventure in a marriage.

4. Continue learning about each other

Human beings are endlessly complex. Every individual is shaped by different family cultures, school experiences, work environments, and role models, and the journey of self- and other-discovery rarely ends in marriage!

Whether it is taking on new ambitions and projects, exploring a new interest or country, or simply keeping an open mind towards one another, the process of rediscovering each other helps retain a sense of adventure in a marriage.

5. Embrace joy and laughter

At the start of our relationship, I took myself too seriously. I believed that having an austere approach to life was the best way to weather its storms! However, while perseverance and discipline are important for a lasting marriage, I swung too far in that direction. In hindsight, this attitude prevented us from fully enjoying our relationship. Fortunately, my wife has since shown me the joys of loosening up!

Joy and laughter bring a sense of vibrance to relationships. My wife and I value humour in our marriage, and we love injecting joy and laughter into our everyday life. When used in the right moments, humour helps lift the mood and bring new perspectives in trying times.

While not all couples can have the privilege of living out their wildest dreams, we can build each other’s aspirations one step at a time.

6. Envision the future

Just like Carl and Ellie who dreamt about visiting Paradise Falls, dreaming together can help keep a marriage moving forward. While not all couples have the privilege of living out their wildest dreams, we can build each other’s aspirations one step at a time.

This is not limited to just big goals like career changes or moving out of the country. It can also involve smaller goals, such as pursuing small interests and hobbies, or just saving up for the next trip together.

For better or for worse

Over the years, I have heard many share that marriage is a sacred relationship that is not to be taken lightly. The solemness of wedding vows, uttered before a crowd of witnesses, have deep social, legal and even spiritual implications for a married couple. Such a journey requires careful deliberation, preparation, and determination to help us go the distance.

Though such advice is well meaning, it sometimes leads us to think of marriage only as “serious business,” which could be intimidating to many! Indeed, it is undeniable that it takes hard work and sacrifice to build a strong marriage. However, let’s also remember the magic of a deep and faithful commitment to one’s spouse: The sense of adventure from journeying together, as well as the warmth and legacy of a home built together over the years.

Should I Allow My Child To Play With An Opposite Gendered Toy?

Early Years (0-3 Years)

At this tender age, children and infants are in the exciting stage of exploring the world around them. At this stage, we should prioritise meeting their developmental needs and providing age-appropriate toys, rather than worrying whether the toys are blue or pink.

Babies are typically engaged in sensory exploration, fine motor skill development, and initial social interactions. Consequently, soft and cuddly toys can offer comfort and sensory stimulation, while colourful and high-contrast toys can provide visual stimulation.

Research has demonstrated that toddlers often find joy in toys designed for their gender. However, it’s acceptable if they choose to play with toys typically associated with the opposite gender as they can pick up different skills as well.

Preschool years (4-6 Years), Primary years (7-9 Years)

While there is nothing wrong with a young boy choosing to play with dolls or a girl loving toy cars, decades of research on children’s toy preferences show large and reliable preferences for toys related to their own gender.

Most girls might choose toys that feature appealing aesthetics or nurturing traits, while boys prefer toys with movement and excitement.

Further, one study showed that children as young as 9 months old prefer to play with toys specific to their own gender. This indicates that sex differences in toy preference appear early in development. Thus, it is likely that both biology and environment matter in shaping play choices.

Gender role modelling

Another point worth noting is that children primarily learn about gender roles through the observation of significant adults in their lives. This is where the influence of a mother and a father becomes paramount.

In learning about masculinity, a boy looks to his father and how he conducts himself at home and with others. Positive behaviours, such as learning to express emotions in productive ways and treating others with respect, are learnt through modelling.

The young child would also be observing how his father treats his mother, and where loving and respectful behaviours are the norm, he would naturally develop a sense of high regard for women.

Thus, while a boy playing with dolls can be said to be learning the behavioural trait of nurturing, how significant adults in his life behave and interact may carry more weight.

In child’s play, it is also critical to acknowledge and respect a child’s interests and to allow them to explore different kinds of play and toys.

Letting them take the lead in this regard is more useful than steering them towards certain choices based on one’s own ideology and worldview, or what is deemed progressive in society.

So, let’s give our children autonomy to make choices that resonate with their interests and unique personalities, while also making the effort to ensure home is a safe and nurturing place.

These are all essential steps to helping our kids develop a healthy sense of identity and regard for themselves and the opposite sex.

 

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

The Big Deal About K-pop Idols And Hollywood Stars

Did your child beg you for permission to attend the Tomorrow X Together concert, or cry over unsuccessful attempts at getting tickets to Taylor Swift’s only stop in Southeast Asia?

Queueing overnight at the post office for concert tickets. Hours spent “camping” on several devices on the day of concert ticket sales. Buying numerous music albums, merchandise and products endorsed by one’s favourite celebrity.

“What’s the big deal about [insert name of singer/band]?” you may ask.

The extent that people would go—just for a chance to see their favourite celebrities and show support—reveal the depth of emotional investment one has in them. Understandably, you may be concerned about your children getting caught up in chasing stars and singers.

Unhealthy obsession, moral values held by the celebrity in question, body image issues, distraction from studies – all these can be worrying.

But what if having a celebrity to look up to isn’t all that bad? How can we guide our teens to navigate the celebrity craze in a healthy manner?

The bright side

As a young adult who spent her teenage years being invested in Taylor Swift and The Hunger Games franchise, and has developed a deep appreciation and love for Korean entertainment (I happen to stan/be a fan of the best K-pop group ever), I would like to humbly suggest that good can actually come out of these seemingly frivolous pursuits.

These include:

1) Encourage hard work and creativity

For starters, most—if not all—of the  celebrities we know have worked hard to get to where they are, and continue to put in lots of time and effort to do what they love and remain in the game.

K-pop idols don’t become stars overnight. They start off as trainees who are put through gruelling training and intense competition, spending years of their youth going through hours of dance, vocal, acting and even language classes every day. They practise for extended hours to prepare for monthly evaluations, where they get graded and ranked for their performance.

Many audition to be trainees, some undergo training, but only a handful of them debut – and that’s when the real work starts.

Tight and long schedules filled with promotional activities, photo and video shoots, performances, ongoing dance and vocal practices – K-pop idols continue to work hard to make a name for themselves. Part of the process also involves discovering one’s style as they grow as creatives.

Other than K-pop artistes, actors, singers and social media influencers also put in many unseen efforts and hours to be where they are and keep improving.

Seeing the blood, sweat and tears poured into one’s craft can motivate young people to also work hard in the things they do and strive to be better. Some of these celebrities also demonstrate humility and a work ethic worth learning from.

While I am not into acting, singing or dancing (I wish I could dance well), the drive, dedication and discipline of the K-pop groups I love inspire me in my sporting pursuits, motivating me to push hard and to become a better version of myself.

Seeing the blood, sweat and tears poured into one’s craft can motivate young people to also work hard in the things they do and strive to be better.

2) Inspire our own interests and dreams

The talents and passions that celebrities have can inspire young people to try new things like acting, singing and different genres of dance.

I know of many people who picked up dance because of K-pop, realise they have a flair for it and branch out to explore other genres of dance. In particular, one of my friends who used to get bullied in school for being overweight, picked up K-pop choreography out of interest and not only lost weight, but also discovered a hobby that she continues to enjoy as a young adult. This greatly restored her confidence and self-esteem.

Having opportunities to discover interests outside of academics helps teens develop holistically, grow in their self-esteem, and can boost their mental wellbeing. In the process of exploring what one enjoys and/or is good at, young people may also unearth dreams.

Having spent a good deal of my teenage years following British and American YouTube content creators, I developed an interest in producing videos – a skill that I use in my job, and a hobby that brings me joy. Making my own videos has also helped me to appreciate creative content a lot more, and I continue to find ways to improve my skillsets.

Having opportunities to discover interests outside of academics helps teens develop holistically, grow in their self-esteem, and can boost their mental wellbeing.

3) Expose us to other cultures and perspectives

Following celebrities from other countries has given me the chance to learn about other cultures and get a glimpse of what life is like around the world. It has also broadened my outlook on life as I hear perspectives I wouldn’t otherwise be exposed to in my usual social circles. I have grown to appreciate different cultures and my own, develop empathy and a curious mindset when meeting different people.

The thought of your children being exposed to values and perspectives that you may not want them to adopt can be scary. Yet at the same time, we need to recognise that children can’t and won’t always be shielded from external influences.

Allowing room for them to chase celebrities and putting measures in place is a delicate balance that every parent-child pair can navigate through. You can help your teen remain grounded through ongoing open conversations and intentionally passing down values through word and action.

Having a celebrity they look up to can mean a lot to your teen. On our part as caring adults, we can first build a bridge by showing an interest in what they love.

Here are some questions to kickstart conversations with your kids about their favourite actor/singer/band:

1. What do you like about them?

2. What do you know about their life story/band history?

3. What are some of your favourite shows/movies/songs they have created?

4. In what ways do they inspire you? What are some positive traits you can learn from them?

5. Are there any social causes they are passionate about?

6. Are there any values/behaviours you don’t agree with?

Even as a young adult, it gets me excited when my dad shows me news about Blackpink, or when my mum listens to me talk about how pretty and talented they are.

At the same time, I am wary of the dangers and downsides idol-chasing can bring – especially when it is taken to an extreme, such as stealing money to attend a concert, or exhibiting disordered eating behaviours.

As adults, let’s keep the conversation open so we can guide the young and equip them with principles to help them navigate fan culture in a healthy manner.

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee. 

What Children of Divorce Feel About Family

Connie, 28, laughed before she started the interview.

“My family is really, really messy. Are you ready?” she quipped.

Her father was married thrice before he met her mother, whilst her mother was married twice before she met him. Even when he married her mother, he was already having an affair outside of the marriage.

It meant that when she grew up, she already had 2 older stepsiblings living with her, and 2 younger siblings to take care of.

Growing up, there were regular fights outside the home. Because their home was small, Connie heard everything.

Even after those fights, her mother would come and recount to her the details. Once she remembered being with her mum when her mum discovered a receipt of something her father had bought for his girlfriend.

Her mother cried.

And even though Connie was only 9 at that time, she immediately advised, “You should leave him.”

When she was 9, her parents separated. She admitted that she had a part to play in that, telling her mother something her father had revealed to her in confidence.

“Yes, in a way, I can say I activated the divorce. I felt sad but also a sense of relief. Moving around my grandma’s and aunt’s places was not easy.”

Connie recalled that much of her schooling years was spent in a state of depression, and she often complained, “My life sucks. What kind of life is this?”

Even at the age of 12, she had to take care of her 4 and 5-year-old siblings, fetching them back from school, and cooking for them.

She began to see how divorce had affected her childhood, forcing her to grow up much faster, and thus she could not enjoy her childhood like other children could.

Trying to make the best out of divorce

“But I wanted to contribute to this article because divorce can be damaging to young children. And I wanted to share how I bounced back from that difficult period.”

Connie believes that many people hold onto their marriages for the sake of their children.

While this is a worthy cause, and couples should make every effort at rebuilding the marriage, including seeking help, one must also realise that children often can pick up the tensions within the marriage, and it can be difficult for them.

Trying to keep things together just for the children can be like pouring poor-quality glue into a deep crack in a pot. It often takes deep and hard emotional work to resolve the differences and tensions that have built up over the years.

So perhaps what is required of couples is an ongoing, intentional work to grow their marriage and an openness to seek guidance from other, more experienced couples with the issues that may surface along the way.

Jonathan, 28, also saw his parents divorce at the age of 12. He remembered how he frequently went to school crying, because of how hard it was to see his parents separate.

Surprising though, he managed to turn his adversity into opportunity. He worked hard at his studies, so that he could make both his parents proud.

Amanda, a 22-year-old university student, agreed that her parents’ divorce had caused her to grow up faster. As a child, she witnessed her father physically abusing her mum during fights. Eventually, her parents divorced when she was 9.

The importance of communication

Connie did learn something from her parents though.

Her mum communicated the reasons for the divorce to her, rather than keeping them in the dark, thinking that children wouldn’t understand what was happening.

“This helped us in not having an open wound when we were trying to figure out why our parents were leaving each other,” she revealed.

Amanda’s mum also opened up to her when Amanda asked why the divorce had happened. She even explained that she was pushing Amanda so hard in her studies so that this cycle of broken families didn’t have to continue in her generation.

For her mother, education was a key ladder out of the generational cycle of broken families.

Connie also confided in her friend, who was 4 years older. She admits that she would probably be some “bad kid” now if she didn’t have the advice of this older friend.

Having a place where she could rant and find a different perspective helped her to deal with the loneliness of having to settle all these adult affairs alone.

“We shouldn’t perceive that the future will turn out like the past.”

Hopes for her future family

As Connie grew up, she found herself disillusioned by the idea of marriage. She had seen all her immediate family, such as her aunties and uncles, have affairs and divorces.

She felt marriage was just a piece of paper to make things more convenient for all parties. She didn’t believe that it would work.

But then she met her boyfriend, who helped her to see that there was good in love and being loved. And that love is a choice we make, day in, day out. She shared, “We shouldn’t perceive that the future will turn out like the past.”

Amanda added that the tensions within her parents’ marriage helped her to see that healthy marriage needed constant communication, and not a single point of commitment.

She’s thus taken important lessons in communicating with her current partner about their expectations. For example, when to have kids, and how many to have has been a feature in their discussions.

No perfect families

Yet as Connie’s story shows, children of divorce can still try to make the best of their situations, if they are willing to forgive, move on, and recognise that there aren’t perfect parents, perfect marriages, or perfect families.

There are only imperfect ones, brought together again and again, through a willingness to repair ruptures, whatever it takes.

For privacy reasons, pseudonyms have been used in this article.

Cyberbullying: How can we protect our children?

In today’s digital age, where children are so immersed in technology, the threat of your child experiencing cyberbullying is very real.

Cyberbullying is a form of harassment that occurs online, often targeting children and adolescents through digital platforms, such as social media, messaging apps, and online communities.

Not sure if your child is experiencing cyberbullying? Some signs to look out for include:

  • A sudden change in daily routines and device use habits
  • Deleting of social media accounts
  • Showing strong negative emotions after social media usage or after school
  • Decreased self-esteem, shown through statements like “life is so difficult” or “everything is meaningless”

Encourage your child to share their online experiences, both positive and negative, without fear of judgment.

Here are some proactive steps we can take to protect our children from cyberbullying.

1. Create a safe space for conversation

Encourage your child to share their online experiences, both positive and negative, without fear of judgment. Creating a safe space for conversation allows you to better understand their online interactions and respond effectively when issues arise.

2. Educate and empower

Teach your children about online etiquette, responsible internet usage, and the potential risks associated with sharing personal information. Empower them with the knowledge and skills to recognise and report cyberbullying incidents. Encourage critical thinking and empathy to foster a healthy online community.

3. Set clear boundaries 

Establish guidelines for screen time, app usage, and online friends. Emphasise the importance of privacy settings on social media platforms and the risks of accepting friend requests from strangers. Setting boundaries helps children understand the limits of their online activities and promotes responsible behaviour.

Always be transparent about your monitoring practices.

4. Monitor online activities

While respecting your child’s privacy, consider implementing parental control software and monitoring tools to keep an eye on their online interactions. Regularly review their friend lists, messages, and posts to identify any signs of cyberbullying. However, always be transparent about your monitoring practices.

5. Encourage offline activities

Balance is key, so encourage your child to participate in offline activities like sports, hobbies, and social gatherings. Engaging in fun, non-digital experiences can help reduce the overall time spent online and minimise your child’s exposure to cyberbullying.

6. Teach resilience

Cyberbullying can be emotionally distressing, so one life skill that we should intentionally build in our children is resilience.

Emphasise the importance of not taking hurtful online comments to heart and how to seek emotional support when needed. Teach them to respond to online bullies with a protective phrase like, “So what?” or “They cannot tell me who I am.”

In conclusion, protecting our children from bullying requires a combination of proactive measures, including education, communication, and fostering the life skill of resilience.

By staying involved in our children’s online lives and guiding them through the digital world, we can help create a safer and more positive online environment for our kids, and for many generations to come!

How to Manage Stress and Anxiety

Exams – one of the most dreaded words in the Singapore parent’s dictionary. Throw in “DSA”, “AL levels”, “math problem sums”, and I am sure we can almost hear a collective groan amongst parents and children across the island.

With the year-end exams drawing near yet again, it’s common for exam fever to hit our homes. Parents either do their dutiful obligation to support their children with tuition classes or spend extended time over weekends and weekday nights mulling through schoolwork together in solidarity with their child. Many parents do both – it is hard to assuage the niggling anxieties we may have for their future at the back of our minds.

Despite moves in recent years to deemphasize exams in Singapore by the removal of mid-year exams across levels, the pressure cooker lid does not seem to have fully lifted. The statistics are concerning. In a 2020 survey by Focus on the Family, 7 out of 10 children felt negatively about upcoming school exams, choosing words such as “angry”, “worried” or “sad”, and more than three in five felt worried.

Quite significantly, the study also found that parental support could be one factor to help mitigate the negative effects of test anxiety on students. Of the three in five children who were worried, 38.1% indicated that they do not receive consistent parental support. This begs the question: How do we know if our child is feeling stressed?

Tune in to some of their verbal cues that may be indicative of fear or feelings that they do not measure up.

Tackling the signs of stress

It’s important to be aware that stress may not necessarily be a bad thing. In the right amounts, stress can be a form of extra energy that the body uses to prepare for and overcome challenges. However, when stress presents in more extreme or long-lasting forms, we may have to watch for tell-tale signs such as:
  • Struggling to pay attention to schoolwork or activities
  • Finding excuses to miss classes or activities
  • Loss of energy/appetite/sleep
  • Rebelliousness/sulkiness/mood swings
  • Withdrawal from others/ spending more time on mobile devices and social media
In addition to watching out for these signs, we should try to uncover the root causes of such behaviour. A fear of failure can be very real for many children as they struggle with meeting the expectations they know are quietly imposed or sometimes articulated to them by well-meaning parents, teachers and peers. Tune in to some of their verbal cues that may be indicative of fear or feelings that they do not measure up.
  • “I need to do well, or I will have no future.
  • “I am not good at anything/not talented/ useless.”
Refrain from adding to an atmosphere of tension that may trigger more stress and tears.

Exam season tips for parents

Parents would also be wise to learn coping ways for our own stress and expectations to prevent them from spilling over. This is significant when we play such a pivotal role in ensuring their social and emotional well-being and especially so when we are our children’s closest support.

Here are some pointers:

1. Be aware of your child’s needs

The gift of our supportive presence can be second to none. This means not needing our children to perform to our expectations for them but appreciating our children for who they are and where they are at – giving them the needed encouragement and a safe space to learn, grow and make mistakes.

2. Pay attention to what they are saying and doing

During stressful periods, it is more important to listen to what they say and observe their non-verbal cues. When your child is upset, accept their feelings, whatever they are – anger, embarrassment, bravado. Avoid immediate judgment, or solutions, or even reassurance. It is important to observe without feeling a need to comment, nag, remind or get the last word in. In essence, we need to refrain from adding to an atmosphere of tension that may trigger more stress and tears. Pick up on conversations later when there has been time to process these thoughts and feelings.

3. Communicate in an open and supportive manner

Keep usual conversation topics open and not just zoom in on academics no matter how hard-pressed for time we are. “How was your day?”, “What are you looking forward to this weekend?”, “Is there anything we can help you with during this period?” are all important questions to balance perspectives so things don’t get overwhelming.

4. Fuel them up

Nutritious meals, healthy snacks, and adequate sleep can go a long way in smoothing through rough days. Carve out scheduled breaks to unwind and plan something enjoyable that your child enjoys so he or she can recharge and be rejuvenated.

5. Reassure

Let your child know that they are loved and accepted regardless of their examination performance. Prepare cards, special treats and gifts for motivating and cheering him/her on for every effort. Help your child to plan a realistic revision timetable, which breaks the days and subjects down into manageable chunks. This will reduce their anxiety by increasing their sense of control and confidence.

6. Regulate ourselves, not just our children

We set the tone and atmosphere in our homes by what we say, our reactions and body language we display. Be watchful not to invoke undue pressure, comparisons or unfair expectations. As parents, we need to avoid being easily triggered and focus on calming our own mannerisms to keep stress levels low.

With these exam season tips, you can be a safe and consistent anchor for your child while navigating this stressful period together!

Keys to Understanding Your Gen-Z Child

Mums and dads, if you’ve ever felt lost while talking to your Gen-Z, this is your cheat sheet to understanding their lingo and habits.

Born between 1997 and 2012, this cohort of Generation Z, or Gen-Z for short, has grown up in a dramatically different landscape, profoundly shaped by the internet and global connectivity.

This generation has also coined a plethora of slang terms, hashtags, and expressions that shape their communication both online and offline.

Here are some common Gen-Z lingos to grasp:

  • “Slay”: In Gen-Z lingo, “slay” means to perform exceptionally well or to excel in a particular activity or aspect of one’s life. It is often used in a positive and empowering context to praise someone’s style, confidence, talent or overall success. As an example, if your friend walked into a party in an amazing outfit, you could respond “slay”.
  • “Flex”: This is a term used to showcase or boast about one’s accomplishments, possessions, skills or attributes, often with the intention of impressing others. It’s about demonstrating one’s success or superiority, typically in a confident manner. For instance, if your friend gets the latest phone, brings it to work and tells everyone about it, someone might say they’re flexing.
  • “Sus”: Short form for “suspicious”, used to describe someone that is behaving in a questionable or dubious manner. One way to use it could be upon receiving an unusual email and commenting, “That email from an unknown sender looks sus, don’t open any attachments.”
  • “Slap”: Used to describe something that is really good. For example, if you particularly enjoyed a song, you could say, “This song really slaps!”

Understanding what makes your Gen-Z tick is crucial because it helps you bridge the generational gap, foster better communication and better support your children in an ever-changing world.

Foster effective communication 

If our Gen-Z kids use slang, not embracing this language can make it hard for us to understand their viewpoints. So, don’t insist on them using formal English; rather, try to understand their lingo and perspectives.

Provide support and guidance

Understanding our child’s passions and concerns, such as their commitment to a sport or their entrepreneurial aspirations, enables us to provide them the right support and guidance.

Show genuine interest in their lives

When we show an interest in what our Gen-Zs are concerned about, it sends a powerful message that we genuinely care. It shows our children that we are there to support them and adapt to their changing needs.

Understand what drives your Gen-Z

Amidst the common stereotypes portraying Gen-Z as the “strawberry generation” or labelling them as selfish, impatient and social media addicts, it’s essential to delve deeper. Who are they truly, and what drives them?

  • Digital natives

Gen-Z is often referred to as “digital natives” because they have grown up with technology seamlessly integrated into their lives. They are adept at navigating the digital landscape, from social media platforms to online learning environments. This tech-savviness has made them quick adapters to new digital trends and tools.

  • Social media pioneers

Gen-Z’s behaviour is heavily shaped by their use of social media. They are not passive consumers but active creators of content. Platforms like TikTok and Instagram have given them a powerful voice, allowing them to express themselves, champion causes, and even launch careers.

  • Budding entrepreneurs

Many Gen-Z individuals are driven by an entrepreneurial spirit. They embrace the gig economy, start side businesses, and value flexibility in their careers. Their ability to monetiSe their online presence and skills sets them apart as young entrepreneurs.

  • Mental health advocates

Gen-Z is more open about mental health struggles and advocates for mental well-being. They seek online communities that offer support and share their experiences to reduce the stigma surrounding mental health issues.

Understanding the environment our Gen-Zs are growing up in can help us better connect with them, provide guidance, and create a supportive environment that addresses their unique strengths, challenges and opportunities. We hope this cheat sheet will help you grow your relationship with your Gen-Zer, and take it to new heights!

Written by Nicole Hong, a Sociology and Psychology Undergraduate

Relationship Rituals to Re-energise Your Marriage

“What is one or more relationship rituals you and your spouse keep to help your marriage thrive?”  

This was the question I asked many of my married friends.   

BL’s crisp answer caught my attention. 

“Nothing spectacular. We love movies and so we go for movies whenever new ones come out.’’ 

Nothing spectacular. We often think that enriching our marriage requires going to great lengths like organising a lavish birthday party, travelling to exotic destinations, or having fancy dinners at high-end restaurants.  

Yet it is the day-to-day things that we do with or for our spouse on a daily, weekly, or yearly basis that can make the greatest impact in our marriage. 

If these activities are shared and repeated on a regular basis, are they not routines? What is the difference? 

Routines are repetitive actions we engage in every day; they create order and continuity, but they don’t have much emotional meaning. Rituals, while they have elements of routine, are symbolic, driven by intention and meaningful. 

Why are relationship rituals important? 

Rituals are essential in keeping your relationship strong and vibrant. Thus, if your goal is greater emotional intimacy, here’s a look at how these couples have benefited from rituals.  

Rituals strengthen relationship bonds  

Rituals are especially important during uncertain times. Mel, married with two teenage boys, shared her reflection:  

“The covid years where we work from home somehow inspired us to take more night walks after spending many hours working from home.  During these brisk walks, we managed to talk more, and touch on many topics that would have escaped our attention during normal working hours. All the walking created a lot of self-awareness and allowed us to connect at a meaningful level.” 

Rituals convert the mundane into significant moments   

A trip to the supermarket with your spouse or a weekly swim or walk may seem ordinary, but couples who intentionally set aside time to exercise together relish the closeness and enjoyment they experience in sticking to these “boring” rituals.  

Jennifer, married with young adult children, reflected:  

“We hold hands even when we go to the neighbourhood shops or market to buy our weekly groceries. It reminds me of our courtship days where we hold hands when we are out on a date. It certainly makes me feel closer as a couple.” 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, a New York Times bestselling author on marriage, points out that “men hear criticism as contempt [while] women feel silence as hostility.”  

At the heart of lies the different emotional needs of a man and a woman. We may want to avoid gender stereotypes, but we cannot deny that men often value respect over everything else, and women, being loved. Once we can understand this fundamental aspect of our spouse’s need, we can set our minds to meeting those needs and creating a positive cycle of interaction, instead of a negative one.  

Read more about love and respect here.  

Rituals build fond and affectionate memories 

Sylvia met and married her husband while working in Hong Kong for many years. Even after tying the knot and settling down in Singapore, the couple often reminisce their overseas experience. Thus, they establish an interesting ritual to keep their love alive:  

“We love to go out and try new food together. And searching for Hong Kong food is certainly a bonding ritual. This couple activity reminds us of our courtship days and happy moments while we were working and living in Hong Kong.”  

The daily rituals of talking to each other made us feel emotionally connected. 

Rituals create shared meaning and common purpose 

When YJ and her husband decided to take over the household chores after their helper left for her hometown permanently, doing these tasks was indisputably a chore initially. As they continued with this daily routine of maintaining the cleanliness of their home, something shifted in YJ.  

The routine became a ritual of love and shared meaning, as narrated by YJ:  

“Since our helper left, my husband and I took on the responsibility of doing household chores together. Providing a comfortable living environment for our children means a lot to us so we are willing to do the chores on an almost daily basis. I have a greater appreciation of my husband and his strengths. I feel so fortunate to have a partner who can complement me well, and it has brought us closer as a couple”  

Rituals bolster commitment when couples are separated geographically 

Jo and her husband resided in different countries for several months due to work commitments. When I asked how they protected the bonds of their marriage, Jo reflected: 

“We had daily calls to check in on how we were doing, and we expressed appreciation for each other verbally or through written messages regularly. These daily rituals of talking to each other made us feel emotionally connected; it didn’t really feel like we were physically apart. The daily communication was momentous especially when we faced work challenges and couldn’t encourage each other with a hug.” 

There you have it. These couples show us that rituals do not need to be splashy (although they can be) to help their marriage thrive. These simple rituals of connection that are a regular feature of married life accentuate the specialness of their relationship.  

By engaging in these shared activities intentionally, they’re essentially strengthening, protecting, and affirming their commitment for each other.  

How to Avoid Sibling Rivalry

“It’s not fair!” exclaimed the 17-year-old boy, “My mother is always siding with my brother.” 

Alex* was almost in tears when he broke down in the counselling room. He had been meeting me on a regular basis to discuss various issues related to his identity and sense of self-worth. 

With pain in his eyes and a quivering voice, he described all the instances when he felt that he was treated unfairly by his mother. This included extra Japanese classes, an overseas exchange programme in Japan, and even money to buy a new car – for his brother, Joseph*. 

“I just don’t understand why she can give him anything that he wants. But when I ask her for anything, her answer would always be ‘no.’ It’s so frustrating.” 

Alex shared that the rivalry with his brother had gone back as far as he could remember, and this has affected his perspective of himself. He had always felt inferior to Joseph, who seemed to do much better in everything that he did. 

Alex’s story is a good example of how intense sibling rivalry can be; especially if there is perceived injustice. 

From sibling rivalry to sibling love 

But not all siblings engage in such competitive behaviour. Amanda Ng is one such individual. She recently won the Singapore Patient Caregiver Award, which honours persons who have demonstrated strength, resilience and unwavering dedication in caring for another person who requires support. Amanda’s sister, Amelia, suffers from a rare genetic disorder which requires her to rely on a ventilator to breathe. 

Speaking to Focus on the Family Singapore, Amanda shared that she and Amelia were very close growing up, and often played together. However, as Amelia started losing her abilities, Amanda’s mum made an effort for her to play a part in her sister’s care. This helped her realise that despite relying on a tube, Amelia was her own person and that she had her own abilities too.  

“It hasn’t been the easiest. We have watched Amelia gradually lose every one of her abilities. From the ability to call me “Jie-jie” (which means Chinese for sister) to now not even being able to breathe on her own.” 

When asked if there is any sibling rivalry with Amelia, especially since her sister seems to get so much more attention from her parents, Amanda said the closest to this was when she asked her mum if she could have another sibling who was more “normal.”  

In spite of her sister’s disabilities, Amanda truly loves her sister, and the siblings remain close. She shared, “Amelia has a heart of gold. She would wait for me to come home every night from school and hear all about my day.”  

The story of Amanda and Amelia is one where sibling love triumphs over self-centredness.  

But how can everyday parents avoid sibling rivalry? What can they do to help their children feel loved and secure? 

Our children need to know that they are loved beyond the shadow of a doubt. 

Parenting principles to encourage sibling love 

I have two boys, aged 10 and 12, and have experienced times when both boys jostle for the attention of my wife and myself.  

Yet there are other moments which depict the true nature of their relationship – one where they love and support each other in moments both good and bad. During the process, I have learnt three parenting principles to help my children steer away from sibling rivalry and towards sibling love. 

  1. Give your undivided love and attention to each child


    Our children need to know that they are loved beyond the shadow of a doubt. For them to experience this, we need to provide them with our undivided love and attention. This can be when they come back from school or during an outing, when they’re brimming with excitement over something that they had experienced that day, or after watching a movie, talking excitedly about the movie characters and various happenings during the show. 

    For instance, my younger son loves sailing, and I often spend the car ride home talking about the things he learnt while at sea. 

    As for my older son, there are times when he would share excitedly about his latest Nintendo Switch game. During such times, I try to listen attentively to him as he describes all the various characters in the game. I know they appreciate that their Daddy ascribes importance to the things that they love. 

  2. Celebrate your children’s strengths, empathise with their weaknesses 


    We need to know what our children are good at, and continually affirm them in these areas. Likewise, it is important to be aware of what is challenging for them and be extra gentle with them when they fall short. 

    For instance, my older son is particularly kind and attentive to the needs of others, and I often affirm him when he makes other people comfortable just by expressing concern for them. 

    As for my younger son, he is good with his hands, often using his tool kit to do repairs around the house. I often praise him when he manages to fix or restore something. 

    There is a misconception that parents need to love each child in exactly the same way. 

  3. Love your children differently; not equally


    There is a misconception that parents need to love each child in exactly the same way. This is due to the notion that when you treat them equally, they would also feel equally loved. 

    But it is far more important to love your children unconditionally, which means that we understand their needs and acknowledge that each child is different. And we then love them in a way that they would understand. 

    For example, I know my older son’s favourite dish is sambal kangkong, and I would specially cook the dish for him during our meals. 

    As for my younger son, he loves hotdogs and French fries, so I would sometimes stop by the snack stall to buy a couple of sausages for him on the way home.  


When our children know that we love them regardless of what they do, they will develop healthily as secure individuals, and sibling rivalry and comparisons will also tend to affect them less. 

*All names and identifying features have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved. 

What to Do When the Little One Says ‘No!’

It was a typical weekday morning where I was fetching my son home from school. On the way back, I noticed he looked glum and pensive, but thought it was due to tiredness.  

Upon arriving home, I told him to remove his shoes, wash his hands and get ready for lunch. Instead of complying, he began to sob. “I don’t want to eat lunch!” The sobbing soon turned into a full-blown meltdown. 

Many parents would be familiar with this. Few of us – myself included – wish to be caught in such situations as they drain us and interrupt our busy schedules.  

However, it is common for young children to display such behaviour as they are still learning how to deal with the big emotions that come with unmet needs or unexpected experiences.  

Here are some strategies that enabled me to regain control of the situation and calm my son: 

1. Listen with empathy   

I brought my son to his room and gave him some time to recover so that I could hear him out. Once he was calm enough, he shared that some of his classmates were mean to him in the morning.  

By listening to him share his thoughts, my son felt heard and understood. This made him more open to what I had to say, while also helping me understand what triggered his emotions. 

I also did my best to reflect his feelings – that he probably felt angry and hurt by his friends. This taught him to identify the emotions he had been experiencing all morning.  

Over time, and with practice, he has gradually gotten better at understanding his feelings and expressing himself.  

Colouring, jumping on the spot, holding a favourite pillow, squeezing a soft toy or cuddles are examples of healthy outlets that could help soothe our children. 

2. Do a calming activity  

Next, I got him to do some deep breathing to calm down further. This involved a few repetitions of simply breathing in, holding his breath for five seconds, and breathing out.  

At other times, I would ask him to pretend my finger was a birthday candle and blow on it. The harder he blew, the more I would wriggle it. This proved very effective as it was fun, helped take his mind away from what triggered him, and also calmed him by making him take deep breaths.  

Every child is different, and it is important to do what works for your child. Colouring, jumping on the spot, holding a favourite pillow, squeezing a soft toy or cuddles with mummy or daddy are other examples of healthy outlets that could help soothe our children.  

3. Offer appropriate concessions  

Although he had calmed down, he was still resistant towards eating and insisted on having a different meal for lunch. 

On occasions where I felt my son was already quite stretched from the day’s activities, I would nudge him along by offering appropriate concessions to motivate him. That day, I offered to carry him to the table to help him get started on lunch.  

Other options that have worked for us include offering snacks (e.g. healthy sugar-free gummies), giving him some play time before his nap, or a short amount of screen time if he was able to complete the task at hand.  

Adding play in our interactions with our children keeps them engaged and helps them to get on board with daily routines. 

4. Press ‘play’ often   

When he was at the dining table, he still refused to eat his lunch! While this was frustrating, I reminded myself that it was normal for a three-year-old to behave this way. Having had a long day at school and coming home on an empty stomach, he would naturally be more disagreeable.  

To get him interested in eating, I added some fun by pretending the spoon was a spaceship, and by getting him to open his mouth like his favourite dinosaur.  

Adding a healthy dose of play to our otherwise mundane interactions with our children keeps them engaged and helps them to get on board with their daily routines. 

Celebrating little wins of the day helps parents to go the distance. 

The importance of self-care and healthy expectations 

Young children often “act out” when their needs are unmet, such as when they are overtired, hungry, or overwhelmed by difficult situations.  

But it can be challenging to extend grace to our children by seeking to understand their needs. After all, in the heat of the moment, how many of us can maintain an air of patience and calm? 

Here’s where it is important for us to practise self-care to ensure our own love tanks are filled. When we are well rested, we are in a better position to co-regulate our children’s big emotions and help address their needs.  

Let’s also be clear, no one is perfect. While we can take incremental steps to improve our parentcraft, we will inevitably fall short on some days.  

I’ve discovered that celebrating the little wins of the day helps my wife and I go the distance – such as rejoicing when one child reaches a growth milestone, discovering new things about them, or even unwinding after they are safely tucked into bed.  

As you practise these tools for self-care and managing toddler meltdowns, I hope you will grow in your parentcraft and learn to find joy – even amidst the hair-raising moments.