Marriage's Life Stage: Wife

What to do when your marriage feels boring

“My marriage is going through the motions. It’s so boring.”

“I relish those times we had so much fun or excitement.”

“I wish there was more life in my marriage – right now, it’s just boring.”

Do any of these statements ring a bell? If so, you are not alone.

In the early stages of marriage, couples often feel excited or thrilled to be together, even when navigating the challenges of adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, temperaments, and quirks! As time passes, couples may feel as if their marriage has hit a “rinse and repeat” button, and keeping the spark alive can be a tall order. Without intentional effort to keep the spark alive, boredom soon sets in.

However, feeling bored in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. While there are seasons when you may feel like you’re stuck in a rut, boredom should not be a long-term trait in a healthy relationship.

“Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage.”

What are possible reasons for boredom in marriage? 

1. Predictability or familiarity  

Marriage can become predictable and repetitive. Seeing the same person every day and believing you know everything about your spouse can lead to feeling too comfortable and taking each other for granted.  

2. Being too busy 

Once you are married, there are new roles and responsibilities to navigate and adjust to. The focus on “you and me only” gradually shifts. Careers, work-related travels, children, and other obligations can take centre stage, leaving little time for each other. 

3. Lack of meaningful or deep conversations  

Communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Without making time to connect, you and your spouse will gradually drift apart and soon your relationship may lose its vitality and spark. 

4. Different interests and hobbies  

Your marriage can hit a rut when you and your spouse do not have common interests. While you may have separate interests and hobbies, it is necessary to also find activities you both enjoy doing together. This is a key ingredient that enables couples to bond and stick together for the long haul. 

 Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage, and take small steps to reignite the life and passion you once shared.  

“You affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them.”

What are strategies couples can consider to reignite the marriage flame? 

 1. Be proactive and intentional  

Boredom sets in when you stop being proactive or making the effort to tend and nurture the garden of your union. The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener in one’s marriage when it is watered with consistent, tender loving care.  

 2. Explore new things together 

If you and your spouse engage in the “same old, same old” shared activities, the lack of novelty or stimulation may have contributed to the boredom you experience. Consider breaking out of your routines and trying new things together, for example, volunteering at a soup kitchen, going for a couple spa or massage, or exploring the sights and sounds of a new neighbourhood. Novelty can reignite excitement and life into a marriage.   

3. Prioritise and pursue each other 

During courtship or the initial stages of marriage, your partner is high on your priority list, and you are pursuing each other regardless of your busy schedule. After you have successfully “won” each other, the pursuing often stops.  

If you want the fire in the relationship to be kept ablaze, you’ll need to continually pursue the heart of the love of your life, even amidst a busy schedule.  

4. Change how you think about your spouse and/or relationship 

Our thought patterns about marriage and our spouse can profoundly affect our love and feelings for our spouses.  

If you are inclined to focus on your spouse’s weaknesses, or you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship; you will experience a sense of dissatisfaction and become resentful that your needs and expectations are not met. Unwittingly, the relationship slides, and soon you and your spouse stop putting effort into the marriage. When this happens, the marriage stagnates.   

It has been said that what one focuses on grows. With this strategy, you affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them. This shift and change in perspective not only makes your spouse feel good about their strengths, but also helps them to grow and improve in their weaknesses over time. 

5. Get help or professional intervention  

Boredom is not a terminal condition, but can potentially be a threat to the relationship. This is particularly true if your feelings of boredom are linked with deeper issues, such as personal emotional baggage or unresolved issues in the relationship.  

Additionally, if persistent boredom results in a loss of interest in the relationship, it could be a sign of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety. It is helpful to approach a professional to talk things through and receive the appropriate guidance and help to address the underlying root issues.  

Regardless of how long you have been married, it is not uncommon to experience ups and downs in the relationship at one time or another. What is important is for couples to address and work through these obstacles together.  

Feeling bored doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship; it simply means you need to reconnect and rediscover the joy you once shared. 

Why Do We Keep Squabbling Over Nothing?

Have you ever got into a heated argument with your boy/girlfriend or spouse, and then looked back and thought, “What were we actually arguing about?” 

 

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. 

What Lies Behind These Petty Squabbles? 

At the heart of these seemingly small and insignificant conflicts is the basic human need to be seen and acknowledged. 

When we argue over “nothing,” what is often below the surface are feelings of being undervalued or unseen.  

It’s not about the socks left on the floor, but what those socks represent: perhaps there’s perceived imbalance in sharing household chores, or simply feeling unappreciated for what you do. 

 

Alicia Boo, Principal Counsellor of Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Small couple squabbles can sometimes be symptoms of larger issues in a relationship. It is important to look beneath the surface to explore our deeper needs and emotions that may not have been addressed.” 

 

Moreover, the fast-paced lifestyle and a highly stressful environment in Singapore can often exacerbate tensions over minor issues. 

 

As we find themselves struggling to connect or to share our deeper needs with our spouse due to a lack of time, every small irritation or tension can be further amplified, resulting in big and overwhelming feelings of being misunderstood or unloved. 

 

Active listening plays a crucial role here—and this involves more than just listening; it is about listening to understand the feelings and needs of the other person. 

 

Communication is Key

The cornerstone of navigating these minor conflicts lies in effective communication. It’s essential for us to learn how to be open about our feelings and perspectives, while keeping blame and harsh criticism out of the equation.  

Active listening plays a crucial role here—and this involves more than just listening; it is about listening to understand the feelings and needs of the other person. 

 

As Ms Boo explains, “By putting oneself in the other’s shoes, it becomes easier to understand their frustrations and respond in love and kindness. Practising empathetic listening can prevent many conflicts from escalating.” 

 

How to Fight and Stay in Love: Some Practical Strategies

  1. Pick your battles: Not every disagreement needs to be a battle. Sometimes, letting go of the small stuff can lead to greater peace and focus on what truly matters in the relationship. 
  2. Establish rituals of connection: Regularly set aside time to connect without distractions. Whether it’s a weekly date night or a brief coffee break together, these moments can build a buffer against the stress of daily life and reduce the likelihood of conflicts.
  3. Choose your words carefully: We all know that emotions can get high during fights, which is why it’s always important to make measured statements and give your partner calm responses. And to call for a time out if emotions get out of control. Remember, effective communication should be the cornerstone of every couple squabble.
  4. Use “I” statements: Frame your feelings and needs in terms of “I” rather than “you.” For example, saying “I feel overwhelmed when the living room is cluttered” instead of “You never clean up” can foster a more constructive conversation.
  5. Seek to listen to understand and resolve the issue: Remember that the goal of engaging in any conflict is to gain a deeper understanding of each other. If you direct your energy at identifying and resolving the issue, and not at hurting your partner’s feelings or proving that you’re right, you are on the right track.
  6. Make requests instead of complaints: Your message may be better received if you frame it as a request rather than a complaint. Instead of saying, “Why don’t you ever pick up your dirty socks and clothing,” try something like, “The bedroom is looking messy—can you remember to place your dirty laundry into the basket next time?”
  7. Consider professional help: If minor conflicts are frequent and damaging, it might be helpful to consult with a relationship counsellor. Professional guidance can provide tools and strategies to improve communication and resolve conflicts. 

It’s almost a given that petty squabbles will erupt at some point in a relationship—especially in marriage as we spend considerable amounts of time with our spouse. 

 

The good news is that conflicts can lead to greater understanding, if we learn to fight well, communicate with empathy, and commit to stay in love with the other person regardless of what has been said or done. 

Best Date Ever 2024

We believe that dating and pursuing your spouse nurtures and strengthens your relationships for the long haul. However, dates after marriage may start to feel predictable or rushed after a while, and these become missed opportunities to build deeper connections with each other. 

If you are looking to break away from your usual date routine and not fret about planning a different yet meaningful couple date, we’ve got you covered! 

Best Date Ever is a date event that will surely bring out your playful sides with fun and engaging activities, alongside various opportunities for you and your spouse to deepen your connection over specially crafted experiences. Discover new things about each other, bond over great food and conversations, and look forward to a great time together! 

It’s time to re-connect & re-ignite the romance in your marriage at Best Date Ever with your forever date!  

In your Best Date Ever Experience, you can look forward to,
1.
Special One-on-One Time: Relish a delightful meal together and bond over fun and meaningful couple activities.  
2.
Strengthen Your Connection: Express affection and appreciation through intimate and heartfelt conversations.
3.
Create Unforgettable Memories: Build excitement for future dates and make lasting memories to strengthen your marriage.

This experience includes:

Regular rate: $220 / couple 
(worth $250 / couple)

  • 4-course Western meal 
  • Best Date Ever Kit
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Connect2 is an initiative by Focus on the Family Singapore to help married couples nurture and grow their relationship.

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Triggers: A Fertile Ground to Cultivate Intimacy

“Hey, why not we just have the night banquet in your home? After all, there’s enough space, and we can cut cost on renting an event’s space”. 

“You didn’t even ask me what I want for the banquet! Yes, you have your own idea of what that day will look like, but I have mine too, you know?! If we were to have it in my home, I will feel the need to host people. It’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be hosting people!” 

What was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon of planning for our night banquet quickly turned into a tense, sour moment for my fiancée and I.  

Triggers.  

Every couple is familiar with them. As intimacy deepens, so does the potential for triggers to arise when unspoken expectations or needs aren’t fulfilled. These triggers can surface when certain aspects of the past or deeply held beliefs come into play within the relationship.  

Definition of emotional triggers:

  • An event, experience, object, or people that spark an intense emotional reaction.  
  • The cause for emotional triggers is often rooted in early childhood experiences, where an unpleasant event or difficult experience left core needs unmet, and the resulting pain was left unprocessed by our caregivers.

As an adult, we experience certain situations that remind us of some of these painful early experiences. Our bodies re-live these painful moments, and it triggers these negative reactions.  

Triggers with your partner are opportunities for either deep disconnection and pain, or deep healing and growth. The outcome depends primarily on how these moments are processed with our partner.  

How can we reframe triggers as not something to be avoided, but something to be anticipated, perhaps even embraced? How can triggers be a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom with your partner? Here are two simple steps: curiosity, and compassion.

While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. 

Practise curiosity 

Triggers are moments for your partner and you to extend curiosity on your past. While you can’t go back to rewrite your past and all the unpleasant experiences you’ve had, you can revisit your past and make peace with it. Making peace looks like courageously revisiting those memories, and releasing the hurts, pain, and anger associated with those memories. It’s releasing the people whom we want to hold responsible for what happened to us. 

Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk wrote in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “When we cannot find a way to make our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations part of a consistent narrative, we become overwhelmed by our inner experiences and react as though we are facing an outside threat.”  

  1. In moments of triggers, allow yourself to practise curiosity and awareness of your thoughts, memories, emotions, and physical sensations. 

     

  2. Then, share vulnerably what’s happening internally with your partner, by narrating what you are feeling inside. 

     

  3. Allow yourself to sit with the mix of emotions, whether it’s pain, hurt, anger, sadness, fear, or shame. Write them down on paper.

     

  4. Release these painful memories and emotions in your heart, and allow your partner to witness you. 

     

  5. Once you have shared your inner experience with your partner, allow him to extend compassion on what you’ve just shared. 

     

  6. This can look like being silently present with you, giving you a reassuring hug or squeeze of your hands, or simply nodding his head with care and empathy. 

Continuing the example from above, this was what my partner responded to me after she calmed down:

“Sorry for losing my cool with you earlier. I understand and see your heart for cost-savings, but could you give me the space to share what was happening to me internally earlier?” 

“When you suggested to have the wedding banquet at my home, my body started to become flooded with a rising hot feeling in my belly. I started to feel so angry, because I had the expectation that you would consider my opinion on the matter. I felt so unseen and uncared for, and suddenly it felt as if I was a little girl again. 

When I was younger, I grew up with three highly opinionated siblings. My parents always had a hard time, even for something as simple as choosing a dine-out place, my three siblings always insisted on their choice. I didn’t want to add to their stress, so I didn’t voice my opinion, even though deep down I always wondered, ‘How about me? When is it my turn to choose?’. I became quieter and quieter. I learned that to be accepted in my family, I would have to be invisible. To not voice my needs and desires. I hated it, but I chose to do it because it was what I needed to not make life harder for my parents.” 

Sharing our internal process with someone trustworthy allows us to heal. Brené Brown wrote in her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. 

Allow your partner to extend compassion on your story  

True healing takes place when we are able to gather new evidence in our present that overwrites our beliefs learned from the past. It’s to see the pain we have experienced mirrored in the eyes of our partner—and to unlearn the lie from our childhood that we are uncared for.  

From my response of compassion, my fiancée learns that she is not invisible; she is seen and loved and her needs matter to me. She can voice her opinion of how she envisions the night banquet to be, and not be dismissed for her desires. Her vulnerability also gives me the opportunity to empathise and feel with her. Mother Theresa aptly said, “The eyes of the compassionate bring healing and restoration to the broken.” 

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. 

 

When we are able to courageously acknowledge what happened to us, and allow another to enter into our story and empathise with our pain, a deep bond of trust is built that is unparalleled.  

This is how triggers become a fertile ground for intimacy to blossom, not a landmine to be tip-toed around.  

We may have suffered unpleasant and painful experiences in our past, but we don’t have to relive them in our present. Our intimate, safe relationships in adulthood is an opportunity to heal and find closure for these painful experiences, and to build new beliefs. As you practise curiosity in moments of triggers, and allow your partner to extend compassion on your story, may you experience deeper healing, intimacy, and freedom in your life. 

*Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved. 

The Emerging Family Report

Introduction

The Emerging Family Report presents a summary of the discussions held at State of the Family 2024: Shaping Next Generation Relationships. State of the Family is Focus’ annual event which aims to provide our key partners with an analysis of emerging trends impacting the Family.

Who exactly are the Emerging Families? They consist of the young families of today and the youth of our nation, both of whom represent the future of Singapore.

Key highlights include the results from Focus’ Fatherhood Involvement and Marriage Aspirations Survey and FamChamps® #FamilyForTheWin Survey, which were both conducted in 2023.

The observations, discussion questions, and insights presented in this report aims to help you think through the trends surrounding Emerging Families and determine how you might be able to apply these in your context.

Research Findings

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When Your Marriage is Overcast

Faced with gloomy skies, a person’s energy level drops and there can be worry about what those dark clouds can bring. Things can feel bleak when your marriage is in this weather. 

On the surface, everything is “business as usual”; some may even say how good your marriage seems! But you know that something’s not right in your relationship.  

Cracks in the marriage have widened into chasms. It could be that disagreements have peaked and can now threaten to break your marriage. Healthy communication may have come to a standstill, and you are in the quicksand of resentment or disappointment.  

Neglect is the key contributor for marriages moving into Overcast weather. Perhaps you both went on autopilot – life was busy and you were occupied with different things. There have been little quality and quantity time with each other, much less time to work through disagreements or unhappiness. 

Couples in this weather face one major decision: do we avoid the issues and let our marriage wither away? Or do we choose to have crucial difficult conversations, dig deeper to remember our “first love”, and commit to move out of this stalemate together? 

Think of it as the ultimatum. There’s just no waiting around, hoping the weather will turn for the better by itself. 

The hope in an Overcast marriage 

Are you too busy? Decisively cut out inessential social activities, commitments, or time-draining hobbies to make time for each other.  

A wife who feels unloved and unappreciated will feel rejected. A husband who doesn’t have his wife’s trust and respect will withdraw and disengage. 

What are some things that have undermined mutual love and respect in your marriage? 

If negligence drove your marriage to the edge, then making intentional decisions to nurture your marriage is necessary to turn it around. 

Are you too busy? Decisively cut out inessential social activities, commitments, or time-draining hobbies to make time for each other.  

If you feel that your relationship lacks fun and excitement, find common activities that both of you can enjoy. Or you can take turns to do what each other likes. This shows your spouse that you want to enter into their world and it can also help you better understand and appreciate what they are like. 

Pick up a marriage resource or attend a marriage enrichment programme to communicate better. 

Start small, but start somewhere. 

This is also where plugging into a healthy and strong community that supports your marriage is important and necessary. Is there a trusted couple you both are comfortable sharing your marital struggles with? Arrange to meet up, and invite them to journey with you and your spouse out of this weather. 

Overcast skies are here. But keep calm and start doing things differently, because all is not lost; there is hope for a turnaround. 

Making the best of an overcast marriage

For the husband

What can you do in this weather?

  • Conserve your energy (and word bank) for your wife, especially if you are a man of few words. Make effort to have conversation with her every day. 
  • Look out for the little things and let her know that you noticed them. Maybe she had a haircut or added a new ornament to the house; acknowledge them and compliment her. 
  • Learn new communication strategies to connect with her healthily. 

Things to watch out for: 

  • Guard your heart. When you feel distant from your wife, it is easy to be drawn to other friendships where you feel understood and accepted or activities that take your mind off things or energise you. 
  • Do not look for quick fixes to your problems. In the same way that your marriage did not hit this rut overnight, it will take time and intentional effort for you both to walk out of it. 
  • “Cave time” may be necessary for you to recharge, but don’t retreat to it whenever things get tense. That can come off as stonewalling to your wife. Your presence speaks volumes of your commitment to her in the marriage—through thick and thin. 

Avoid slipping into the blame game and always making it “his problem”.

For the wife

What can you do in this weather?

  • Be quick to apologise if you are at fault, and be ready to forgive (and forget) when he apologises for his faults. 
  • Notice the small acts of service he does for you, your family, or in the home. Express gratitude, and tell him that it matters to you. 
  • Initiate intimacy with your husband and let him know that he is still attractive and desirable. 

Things to watch out for: 

  • Avoid slipping into the blame game and always making it “his problem”. Your husband will naturally become defensive and may choose to disengage. 
  • Do not compare your marriage with “better” marriages you see around you or on social media, or let your mind wander with the “what ifs”. 
  • Eliminate negative talk – which could come across as criticism, sarcasm, or ridicule. Speak kindly, even when you are upset, so that he will be encouraged to communicate with you. 

Couple conversations for this weather

  • When were the best years of our marriage, and why? 
  • What bothers you most about the current state of our marriage? 
  • What is one thing that you would like me to do to make you feel appreciated and loved? 

A thriving marriage in every weather

This is a difficult weather for you and your spouse to be in. Hold on to each other because there can be a turnaround in your marriage. 

Every bride and groom enters into their union with a promise to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do they part. 

When the marriage hits a rough patch, or when you and your spouse no longer enjoy each other, consider how you can live out your vows. As someone once said: It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love. 

“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect… I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And that promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them; it was the promise.” – Thornton Wilder 

No matter what weather your marriage is in, you can make your relationship with your spouse the best that it can be. 

When Your Marriage is Sunny

The joys of a Sunny marriage 

It’s hot. You’re sweaty. But it’s fun because your days are packed with activities. 

The sense of newness that marked a Breezy weather in marriage has developed into a deeper intimacy with each other. You and your spouse have tackled some difficult issues together and have grown through it. 

Differences still exist, but there is a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, wants, and temperaments. That feeling of fulfilment is not dampened even when things are not perfect. 

You may not have met all your #couplegoals and are still working through the daily grind, but you and your spouse share a deeper connection. 

When misunderstandings occur, they are less likely to side-track you both. You and your spouse take on challenges with new ease. There’s little second guessing about each other’s actions or motives – you are stronger and more stable as a unit. 

You are satisfied and secure in your spouse’s love. 

The stresses of a Sunny marriage 

Your past experiences and upbringing may affect your capacity to give wholly in the marriage.

In hot and humid weather, flowers and fruits flourish; so do less pleasant things like mould and bacteria! Is there hidden mould in any corner of your marriage? Or are there any areas in each of your lives that exposes the marriage to bacterial growth? 

Your past experiences and upbringing may affect your capacity to give wholly in the marriage. Or there may be a deep-seated issue threatening the trust in your marriage. An addiction, perhaps? Or a certain friendship with unclear boundaries that you have been turning to for comfort and acceptance? 

Let your marriage be the safe space for you and your spouse to be most vulnerable and speak honestly. Choose to work through the matters that are hard to talk about. 

Seek out other married couples or mentors for counsel and support. On your own, the problems may seem insurmountable, but in the company of like-minded friends, you may gain new perspectives and encouragement to keep going in your marriage. 

The sun is out! You want to enjoy what you can do in this weather, so let’s work hard at enjoying each other more. 

Making the best of a sunny marriage

For the husband

What can you do in this weather?

  • Keep up the romantic gestures and break out of daily routines to surprise her. Be attentive to your wife’s needs as your lover, not just a great friend. 
  • Compliment her, making her feel attractive and good about herself. Find ways to fill her love tank so that she is not running on empty. 
  • Make time and initiate constructive ways to work through issues that come up. 

Things to watch out for: 

  • Avoid treating your wife like a great housemate (or, if you are parents, as just the mother of your children). 
  • Pay attention to your personal grooming. Just because you are very comfortable with your wife doesn’t mean that your physical appearance shouldn’t matter anymore. She still wants to be attracted to you! 
  • Enjoy intimacy with your wife. It is about sex, and much more. Emotional intimacy is important to a marriage’s longevity. 

Take every opportunity to keep up with date nights, and make them special. 

For the wife

What can you do in this weather?

  • Encourage your husband to find a few good guy friends to confide in. While it is easier for women to share openly with their girlfriends, husbands may not have such close male friendships. 
  • Maintain intimacy in your marriage. Communicate your expectations and be proactive in meeting his needs as well. 
  • Take every opportunity to keep up with date nights, and make it special. Couple time is scarce in this weather, so be intentional to schedule it—and keep to it, even if it is shorter than what you both prefer. 

Things to watch out for: 

  • Do not seethe over bothersome issues. Choose honest and respectful conversations with your husband instead. 
  • Criticism is toxic in any marriage. Many men “shut down and tune out” when they feel disrespected. 
  • Beware of unhealthy communication habits, like expecting your husband to know what you are thinking. He may grow to understand you better, but he is not telepathic; you still need to verbalise what’s in your heart. 

Couple conversations for this weather

  • What brings you most joy in our marriage? 
  • What is one thing you would like me to do regularly to show how much I appreciate you? 
  • How can we grow in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy in our marriage? 

A thriving marriage in every weather

Marriage is hard work, but worth it. 

Every bride and groom enters into their union with a promise to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do they part. 

When the marriage hits a rough patch, consider how you can live out your vows. As someone once said: It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love. 

“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect… I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And that promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them; it was the promise.” – Thornton Wilder 

No matter what weather your marriage is in, you can make your relationship with your spouse the best that it can be. 

When Your Marriage is Stormy

The thunderstorm is raging, with ominous thunder and wild winds. In this weather, you feel like it is time to call it quits.

The warmth of the sun is no longer present – your words, your actions are cold and harsh. You look around your home and marriage, and feel like everything has been in vain. There’s no trace of love or positive things to show for the years you put in.

Your conversations are functional at best. Your interactions are equally distant. Perhaps you both feel that it is better to spend less time together because that means less likelihood for conflict.

Separate beds, zero intimacy – each with your own lives despite living under the same roof.

Some settle for marriage as a living arrangement for the children’s benefit; as soon as the children are independent, they want to go their separate ways.

Your marriage may unexpectedly enter into Stormy weather with the discovery of infidelity or it may gradually drift into it from prolonged periods of negligence and inaction.

Yet what is more important than the current circumstances is how couples choose to respond.

Gary Chapman in his book The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage has this to say: “All couples face difficulties, and all couples have differences. These differences may centre on money, in-laws, religion, or any other area of life. Couples who fail to negotiate these differences will find themselves in [a place] created not by the difficulties of life but by how a couple responds to those difficulties. When one or both marriage partners insist on ‘my way or not at all’, they are moving their marriage toward [a cold, harsh, and bitter marriage].”

In a Stormy marriage, problems seem big and solutions appear far away. You are hurt, lonely and discouraged. There are regrets and you’ve replayed many “if only” scenarios in your mind. You yearn for a marriage in better weather, but it feels like it’s not going to come.

The hope in a stormy marriage

It takes only one party to put the marriage into Stormy weather, but it will take both to move out of it.

Can hope be restored in this storm?

Desperation can bring out tenacity, which we didn’t know existed in us before—a desperation that drives us to fight for our marriage.

It takes only one party to put the marriage into Stormy weather, but it will take both to move out of it.

Be open to seek professional help from a marriage counsellor or family therapist. Do not isolate yourself from friends and other married couples; your community and support system are crucial for you and your spouse to walk out of this rough storm.

Remember, the weather can change. The storm is here, but it doesn’t have to last forever. You can make a change.

Making the best of a stormy marriage

For the husband

What can you do in this weather?

  • If the relationship is so tense that you are no longer speaking to your wife, write down your thoughts on how you want the marriage to improve and pass it to her. Communication is key in rekindling your marriage.
  • Taking proactive steps to show love and appreciation to your wife may not feel so natural right now, but persisting in it can soften her heart and cause her to be tender towards you again.
  • Listen attentively and engage her through eye contact when she is speaking to you. You may not be ready to respond, but choosing to stay and listen shows her that you still care for her.
  • Find a male mentor or coach whom you can confide in and take advice from.

Things to watch out for:

  • Draw clear boundaries so that you don’t try to find intimacy in other friendships. This would only complicate the issues that you and your wife have to work through.
  • Avoid replaying the blunders in your mind and rehashing pain from the past. It can become a vicious cycle, making it harder for you to forgive and move on.
  • Habits can be hard to break. Don’t go back to old ways of dealing with conflict, but consciously choose healthier patterns of communication, even if it feels counter-intuitive.
  • It may feel easier to focus on your wife’s faults than perceive the good things in her right now. Be intentional to write down what you are thankful for about her.

Surround yourself with friends and family members who will support and encourage you in restoring your marriage.

For the wife

What can you do in this weather?

  • Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, and guard yourself against the downward spiral of rumination or despair.
  • Taking proactive steps to show love and appreciation to your husband may not feel so natural right now, but persisting in it can soften his heart and cause him to be tender towards you again.
  • Spend time recalling and noting down the better days in the marriage. How was it like? What did he do that you loved? Share these memories with your husband.
  • Surround yourself with friends and family members who will support and encourage you in restoring your marriage.

Things to watch out for:

  • Protect your heart and mind, so that you don’t try to find love and acceptance elsewhere. This only drives you further away from your husband.
  • Be careful not to put down your husband in front of your family or friends, whether within earshot or not.
  • Habits can be hard to break. Don’t go back to old ways of dealing with conflict, but consciously choose healthier patterns of communication, even if it feels counter-intuitive.
  • It may feel easier to focus on your husband’s faults than perceive the good things in him right now. Be intentional to write down what you are thankful for about him.

Couple conversations for this weather

  • What were the dreams and goals we had for our marriage?
  • How have I hurt you the most in our relationship? How can I make amends in ways that would meaningful to you?
  • What does it mean for us to “forgive and forget”? How can work on our marriage together to move forward together?
  • What are some things we can do for each other that would give each other hope and motivation for a better marriage?

It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love.

A thriving marriage in every weather

Every bride and groom enters into their union with a promise to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do they part.

When all hope seems to be gone, take a moment to consider your marriage vows. As someone once said: It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love.

“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect… I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And that promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them; it was the promise.” – Thornton Wilder

There can be beauty and growth in each weather your marriage is in. So, hold tight to the good, work hard at the difficult, and commit to journey through life together.

No matter what weather your marriage is in, you can make your relationship with your spouse the best that it can be.

Your marriage can survive this weather, and thrive.

Signs of an Emotional Affair and how to Avoid one

Jack awoke to the sound of his phone’s alarm. Feeling lethargic because he did not get a restful sleep due to the built-up stress of overseeing an important work project, he decided to hit the snooze button.  

As he reached for his smartphone, the thought of Jenner put a big smile on his face. He has been working together with Jenner on a company project. Jenner often has a kind word for everyone on the team, especially Jack, plus she has a knack for reframing problems, which has helped Jack tremendously.  

Jack has often experienced fuzzy-wuzzy feelings whenever he was in Jenner’s company, a special warmth that he could not find in his marriage of 6 years. 

Soon, Jack and Jenner find themselves spending more time together over work lunches and dinners without the other team members; their conversations have become more personal too. A team member even commented that Jack’s relationship with Jenner seems too close for comfort but Jack instantly laughed it off saying they were “just friends”. 

Is there anything wrong with the relationship between Jack and Jenner? Are both “just friends” or are they sliding into an emotional affair? 

The truth is, whether you are happy, fulfilled, or dissatisfied in your marriage, nobody is exempt from having an emotional affair. 

It is not uncommon for a married person to be involved in an emotional affair without realising it. Here are some warning signs to look out for.

What is an emotional affair? 

An emotional affair involves having non-sexual intimacy with someone who is not the individual’s romantic partner. It often starts innocently as a friendship or working relationship.  But if a person intentionally or unintentionally invests emotional energy and time in a friendship outside of their marriage, a deeper attachment is formed.  

Some believe that such a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex is harmless because there is no sexual intimacy involved. However, the deep bond shared outside of marriage can seriously threaten the person’s intimacy with their spouse.  

Emotional cheating can act as a gateway to a full-blown sexual affair. For many, the most hurtful part of a spouse’s emotional infidelity is the sense of being betrayed.  

What are the tell-tale signs of emotional affair?

In his book Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship, author Gary Neuman shared the following warning signs of emotional cheating: 

  • Anticipating alone time or communication with your friend 
  • Beliefs that your friend understands you better than your spouse 
  • Decreasing time with your spouse 
  • Giving your friend personal gifts 
  • Keeping your friendship a secret 
  • Lack of interest in intimacy with your spouse 
  • Preoccupation or daydreams about your friend 
  • Sharing thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse 
  • Responding to confrontation about the emotional cheating with, “We’re just friends.” 
  • Withdrawing from your spouse 

Frequent contact makes it possible for intimacy to develop. 

In today’s connected world, and with advanced technology like the internet, it has never been easier to meet, interact, and bond with others.  

At work, we are often required to interact with members of the opposite sex and exhorted to cultivate good working relationships to complete a project or to achieve the organisation’s goals. 

Frequent contact makes it possible for intimacy to develop. This is where we need to be honest with ourselves: If you begin to feel more excited about seeing your colleague than going home and spending time with your spouse, then you’re likely treading on dangerous ground.  

Protecting your marriage  

No marriage is affair-proof. It is possible to get involved in an emotional affair if we allow our marriage to slide or to remain stagnant.  

But there are several ways we can protect our marriage from such temptations: 

1. Commit to your spouse. It has been said that while compatibility brings a couple together, commitment enables a couple to “stick” together. Indeed, commitment is the glue that holds the relationship in good and bad times.  

 Tip: Put a photo of your spouse or your family on the home screen of your digital devices to remind you of your commitment to stay faithful.  

 2. Shower your marriage with tender loving care (TLC). Prioritise your marriage, make time, and put in effort to meet each other’s important needs.  

 Tip: Do a 30-day Marriage TLC challenge. Do one simple gesture or kind act daily to strengthen the relationship OR take the “5 love languages” quiz if you are unsure how your spouse wants to be loved. And love him/her according to his/her love language. 

3. Control your social media environment. The images we look at, the information we receive, the people we follow, and the posts we like/comment can influence us, for good or for worse, and in more ways than we care to admit.   

Tip: Declutter your social media platforms. Delete apps or websites that do not add value to your marriage or unfollow someone who is taking too much of your head space.  

 4. Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. Keep phone messages and conversations business-like. Avoid sharing innermost thoughts or feelings that should be reserved for your spouse only.  

Tip: When someone shares (intimate) personal information that is too close for your comfort, graciously end the conversation.  

 5. Be honest with yourself  

If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it to yourself. If you receive feedback from colleagues or family that your friendship with the opposite sex is “crossing the line”, do not be too quick to rationalise by saying “we are just friends”. Instead, ask yourself tough questions about the friendship to determine if you are walking down a slippery slope.  Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into an affair. 

 6. Choose to work through marriage issues with a therapist. If you are struggling with issues in your marriage, instead of confiding and seeking support from an opposite-sex colleague or friend, consider seeking professional help. 

 It is not uncommon for a married person to be involved in an emotional affair without realising it. Emotional affairs can inflict as much pain and hurt to a couple and do damage to a marriage as sexual ones. Watch out for red flags and find ways to safeguard your marriage from deception and temptations. 

What is one thing you can do to protect your marriage?