Child’s Life Stage: Primary Schooler

When Results Aren’t The Only Thing

Growing up, exam season was a big thing. In my family, at least. 

Growing up in a neighbourhood school, I was constantly fed with the idea that working hard was the only way to a better life. 

In the lead-up to the PSLE, I would regularly wake up at 4am to study before I went to school. Even at the tender age of 12, my mum would buy me coffee so that I could stay awake. 

By all accounts, it worked, as I landed in one of the most elite schools in Singapore. 

Yet, the competition didn’t end there. It was only the beginning. For the rest of high school and college, I was given the narrative that we were the “cream of the crop”. Achievements were aplenty in my school. Each day, during assembly, we would see people winning Math Olympiads, international sports competitions, and being awarded book prizes.

I was struggling to even pass my exams at this point. Seeing these achievements around me fuelled my internal narrative that I was not enough. 

Finally in 2016, I won that overseas scholarship, but that only set me on a drive for more. 

It was worse now. I had a price tag to my value, with the $208,000 bond now quantifying my worth. I felt I had to work to justify what others had invested in me. 

In 2019, I thought I got all I wanted. 

The first-class honours, awards, and even a board directorship. 

But when I finally returned to Singapore, I was filled with a strange emptiness. I stuffed myself with cakes, chocolates and cookies to fill the emptiness within me. Within a month, I grew by 8kg. I realised I needed help. In October 2019, I saw a psychiatrist, and took antidepressants. 

It was an irony to imagine how far I’d fallen from grace – from a board director, to being put on antidepressants. 

I share this story because I want parents to know one thing: That what you might be pushing your child to – more accolades, better results, may not be the thing that satisfies them, nor you. 

There is a caveat though.

Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition.

Results are still important

As a social worker, I’ve seen some parents fling to the other extreme of declaring, “Results are not important! It’s okay if you fail.”

Striving for excellence in school is a good and healthy trait. Simply letting your child play is not ideal. 

We often say, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” But we forget the converse is also true. “All play and no work makes Jack a poor boy.”

Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition. 

My parents regularly communicated with me why academic excellence was important. It was made more real because of the multiple retrenchments my dad experienced during my growing up years. 

One night, after my father had been retrenched, my mum explained to me that academic excellence wouldn’t necessarily guarantee a more secure future, but it would provide a firmer foundation. 

It helped me understand why she was pushing me so hard.

My parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it.

Nurturing excellence outside of school

Inculcating your child with a healthy desire for excellence is necessary and important. 

I appreciated how my parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. 

It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it, and not because the school required it. 

For example, from the age of 4, they sent me for swim and art classes to inculcate a healthy lifestyle. 

For your child, you too can encourage hobbies outside of school. It can teach your child in nurturing a natural drive for excellence in what they want to do, rather than what they need to do. 

The key though is having a balance, rather than over-scheduling your child. We often apply an adult perspective of full-time work to a child’s schedule, without realising that some unhurried time may be beneficial to them.

Healthy boundaries around screen-based play

A healthy desire for excellence is also nurtured within well-structured boundaries, particularly around device usage. 

As a social worker, one of the most common parenting complaints I’ve seen is around a lack of control of screen usage. 

We may not realise the dangers of device use at an early age, when the brains of children are not fully developed. They may lack the maturity to self-manage their device usage. 

What’s interesting is also how tech titans have dealt with device usage in their own families. 

In the aftermath of the release of the iPad, Nick Bilton, a New York Times reporter, asked Steve Jobs, “Your kids must love the iPad, right?”

Jobs replied, “They haven’t used it. We limit the amount of technology our children use at home.”

Walter Isaacson, the biographer of Steve Jobs went on to report:

“Every night Steve insisted on dining at the big kitchen table, talking about books, history and a variety of other things. Nobody ever took out an iPad or a computer. The kids didn’t seem addicted to the devices. “

Balancing push and pull 

In the push for excellence, perhaps what is needed is to remember to pull our children towards us for nurturing. 

How? 

Whatever mark your child gets for their exams, take time to let them know that you appreciate the effort they’ve put in. Communicate the unconditional love you have, regardless of the mark they’ve achieved. 

In the lead-up to their exams, don’t gloss over the emotions of anxiety and fear that the child might experience. Take time to speak about it during dinners. Ask questions like: “How do you feel about your upcoming exams?”

Share your own experiences of exam anxiety when growing up. It models to your child that feelings are a valid aspect of who they are, and not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What our children long for

Often, our child’s studying habits can leave us feeling frustrated and angry. We wish they would study harder, spend less time on phone games, and be better behaved. 

We may unwittingly convey the message that our child can only be loved if they achieve better grades, stop playing so much, or be better behaved. 

In 2015, after receiving my A-Level results, I felt lost and anxious. I wanted to become a doctor, but I couldn’t, because of my results. 

I started actively thinking about suicide. In my mind, I rationalised it as, “Since I can’t become a doctor, there’s not much point in living.” 

Eventually I saw a doctor, who referred me to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH). In the wee hours of the morning, when I was finally allowed to go home, my father wrapped his arms around me, squeezed my shoulder, and said:

“John, straight A-s or no A-s, you’re still my son.”

Children long to be validated and loved for who they are, and not just who they will become. 

Today, perhaps it’s worth asking, “What if your child was doing the very best they could?”

How would that change your approach to them? 

It’s worth reflecting on.

 © 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Bullying – Is Punishment The Way To Go?

Bullying refers to the use of strength or power to frighten or hurt weaker people. (Dictionaries, 2023)

I recently came across an account on bullying that took me by surprise. It wasn’t the act of bullying but the way the parents handled it that caught me off-guard. It was the first time I had ever heard of such an approach.

James is a quiet and reserved boy who loves helping those who are in need. When he entered primary school, his friends took advantage of his kindness and started bullying him. He had a classmate who was bigger in size compared to him, and bullied him often. He pushed James around and caused him hurt by pinching him. He also poured water on James out of his own bottle. Fearing that he would be bullied further, James did not dare to raise this to his teacher. Fortunately, because of the close relationship he has with his parents, he shared with them these incidents as soon as he got home every single time.

One would have expected his parents to fly into a rage and even lodge a police report because of the physical harm that was caused, but they did not.

I know that I can approach the school anytime

James’s father had a close relationship with the school because he was part of the parent support group. It gave him the confidence that he could go to the school to ask for assistance on this matter and it would be a better solution than to take matters into his own hands.

James also highlighted to his father that this boy was his classmate after all, and he did not wish to escalate the matter. His father took his advice.

There is wisdom in this approach. Escalating the matter could make things awkward for James to continue to be in the same classroom, because he would not know how to face this friend that his father had lodged a formal complaint against. And it would probably create more stress for James eventually.

Communication and education are better solutions to bullying, rather than punishment.

By punishing we will not learn

Rather than to get the form teacher to punish the boy harshly, James’s father requested for the bully to be counselled and educated on the detrimental effects of bullying. He also reiterated to the teacher that he does not wish for the bully to be punished. He believes that communication and education are better solutions in the long term. He was right.

This father’s story was a breath of fresh air. I realised that he was not only concerned about what his son had gone through, but he was also concerned about what the other boy would learn. He wanted to protect his child, and he also wanted the boy to learn what is right.

Often as parents, we tend to jump into the situation to defend our child. This is the parental instinct to protect our young in times of danger. But James’s father taught me to go one step further, to not only protect my child but also to champion what is right.

Punishing the child will only reiterate that what he did was wrong. It does not solve the root issue that he is going through. It does not equip the child with the right handles to relate to a classmate, to express his emotions in a safe manner. Communicating and educating does. It helps the child process why he acts in a certain manner, and it trains the child to think of how his actions impact others. This will result in real and lasting change.

This sharing has given me a fresh perspective on bullying, and a good one.

Bullying occurs anywhere, but children are a more vulnerable group. Especially younger children in the preschool and lower primary range, who may be unable to defend themselves.

Educating a child about bullying helps them process why they may act in a certain manner, and trains them to think of how his actions impact others.

While discussing this topic with some of my friends who are teachers in a preschool and primary school, they shared with me some very practical handles.

Tacking bullying in young children:

1. Safety first

Get away to a safe place. Do not engage or retaliate because it might result in more injuries. Go to a place where there are adults.

2. Seek help

Find a reliable adult, whether it is a teacher or parent, and seek help. Get them involved so that they can handle the situation. Adults are equipped with the knowledge and ability to deal with these matters in a safe manner.

3. Look out for changes in child’s behaviour

More often than not, young children are not able to articulate the stresses that they are undergoing. However, it shows up in their behaviors such as: Loss of appetite, isolation, emotional instability, overwhelming fear etc. These are major signs that your child may be going through something in school.

4. Get the full picture

Children do not have an accurate concept of time, and they also are not able to remember entirely what had happened. It is best to speak with their teachers to find out what exactly happened before deciding the best course of action. Relying on their words alone may not be helpful.

5. Work towards a win-win situation

Work together with the teacher for a win-win situation. It is not only important to protect the child, but also to ensure that there is a real and lasting change.

Bullying has to be corrected, not just prevented.

For privacy reasons, pseudonyms were used in this article.

Why Did My Parents Separate?

Primary years (7-9 years)

The separation or dissolution of a parent’s marriage can be devastating for children of any age. As children at this young age may not fully understand the complexities of human relationships and why their parents cannot stay married, keep your explanations simple. Focus on providing as much security, stability and assurance that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents, where possible.

Younger children may find it hard to process and describe their feelings at the onset of the news. But as they adjust to the changes or when they start seeing less of one parent, a mixture of sadness, fear, or anxiety may set in.

They may ask questions about how their parents’ separation will impact them and their daily routines. These include, “Who will I be staying with?”, “Will I still see my other parent regularly?”, “Will my parents get back together?”.

Some children may even wonder if they did something wrong or were the cause of the separation. Assure them that they are not the cause.

Reiterate that while there are going to be changes to the family and living arrangements, nothing will change your love for them, and they will continue to be loved and cared for. It is important not to badmouth your partner in front of your child, as this may add to the feelings of conflict and confusion.

Tween years (10-12 years)

Older children may experience a sense of loss with their parents separating and have a negative view of themselves compared to their peers. They may also feel anger, sadness or even resentment toward their parents for the breakdown in their marriage and family life.

Look out for any unusual behavioural changes as tweens may act out due to their difficult emotions, particularly if they find it hard to express their feelings with their parents. They may become withdrawn or develop attention-seeking behaviours due to the fear of being abandoned or neglected.

Some preteens may even vent the anger they feel on their siblings; bullying them, shouting at them or directing their frustration at them.

Instead of trying to make them accept the change and move on, take time to listen to check in on how they’re doing. Ask them to share their feelings, even if these are negative and you instinctively want to shut them down. Validate their feelings by saying, “I can see that you are upset/scared/angry. Can you tell me more?” This helps your child feel seen and heard and let’s them know that they can come to you with any of their difficult feelings.

Teen years (13-15 years)

Parents may assume that teenagers have greater mental capacity to deal with the adjustments now that they are older. However, this depends on the maturity of your child. If teens have heard their parents argue or seen one parent staying out a lot more, chances are they’ve picked up on what is happening.

Even when a separation or divorce is amicable, it’s natural for your teenagers to grieve the loss of their family. Give them space for their reactions or non-reactions, and time to process their feelings.

The pain from their parents’ separation can sometimes impact their identity, self-esteem, and future relationships. Remember that in this teenage stage, there are many changes taking place in their life, emotionally and mentally as well. This makes open and honest communication even more crucial in the time surrounding a divorce. Make sure your teen understands that they can come to you to talk about anything.

To maintain stability in their lives, it’s crucial to surround your teens with other nurturing relationships. Be intentional about building a supportive community around them, such as with their grandparents, extended family members like uncles and aunties, cousins or others trusted adults in their life, like a teacher, counsellor or coach.

Be patient even if your child seems like they are pushing you away. Open and honest communication reduces the chance of deep emotional problems festering beneath the surface.

Coping with divorce is hard at any age and children especially can have a more challenging time. If you are considering divorce, do consider how it can potentially impact your children and take time to help your children navigate the complex emotions surrounding divorce. If you are seeking counselling help, look no further.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Children’s Day Campaign

The digital realm has become an integral part of our lives, including our children’s â€” offering opportunities for learning, interacting, and entertainment. However, just as digital media use is escalating, so are mental health issues in our youth.  

Research has recently shown that youths are increasingly turning to digital media for self-therapy. In light of this, experts are advising parents to be empathetic towards their children’s use of electronic devices and platforms (Channel News Asia, 2023).

Thus, before children are exposed to various devices, apps, platforms at a young age, it is critical to have healthy conversations surrounding digital literacy and for parents to both bond with and guide their children in the digital age.  

This Children’s Day, Focus on the Family Singapore aims to encourage the fostering of meaningful parent-child relationships and equip parents to raise digital literate children all while having fun! 

A free digital resource, The Wonder Guide, will be available for download, with tips for parents to nurture their parent-child relationship while navigating the digital playground. Download your Wonder Guide at www.family.org.sg/CaptureTheWonder! 

Additionally, a free mini activity book, What a Wonder! is also available for parents to deepen connections with their child (recommended for 5-9 year olds). It includes:
1.
Identifying old school technology gadgets and learning fun facts about them
2.
Conversation Starters for parent-child to engage in meaningful conversations
3.
Stickers for interactive learning

Campaign Objectives:

  1. Strengthen parent-child relationships through healthy conversations and practices surrounding digital literacy

  2. Encourage families to embrace technology as means for meaningful connection 

Secure your free resource!

If you or your organisation is keen to distribute the What a Wonder! resource (minimum of 50 copies), please get in touch with us.

Limited copies are available so secure them now!

Get in touch!

ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

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Parent Coaching

ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

4 Games to Help Kids Manage Big Emotions

THIS ARTICLE INCLUDES A FREE PRINTABLE. 

My eldest son morphed into the Incredible Hulk overnight when he turned 6 years old. Meltdowns took on epic proportions, with cane breaking, furniture throwing, yelling and bashing.

What happened to my sweet, mild-mannered, doe-eyed son? Where did these raging emotions come from?

Teaching our children how to manage their emotions is not just necessary for their survival (and our sanity). Research suggests that emotional intelligence (EQ) is twice as strong a predictor of later success as IQ. Being aware of, understanding, and being able to manage emotions are all part of growing our children’s emotional intelligence.

Research suggests that emotional intelligence is twice as strong a predictor of later success as IQ.

Through a difficult process of trial and error and with the help of books, games, conversations with friends and professionals, my son and I are learning how to deal with his emotional outbursts.

Here are 4 activities that have been helpful to us in this journey – suitable for children aged 2 to 10.

Download PDF now (3.14 MB)

#1: How are you feeling?

Aim: Help your child identify his emotions

This activity involves pasting feeling faces on wooden blocks. It is designed to help your child reflect on their feelings through play.

What You Need:

  1. Plain wooden blocks
  2. Blue tack
  3. Feeling faces print-outs (Google “feeling faces printable”)

How to Play:

  1. Get your child to cut out the feeling faces and stick each face on a wooden block. (Older kids can print out plain emoji outlines and draw their own emojis.)
  2. Ask these questions as they are carrying out their activity: What made the block feel that way? What sorts of things might make you feel that way? Tell me about a time you felt that way.
  3. Continue doing this until you have a few emotions covered. Be sure to include both positive and negative emotions.

Recommended read: My Many Coloured Days by Dr Seuss, and My Mixed Emotions by Elinor Greenwood

#2: Disappearing Bubbles

Aim: Help your child understand that his feelings are temporary

We need to help our children understand that their emotions, like the passing rain, can and will pass.

It’s important that kids learn to understand their feelings, but it’s also true that feelings need to be recognised for what they are: temporary. Research shows that on average, an emotion comes and goes within ninety seconds. A child’s heightened emotions and parental pressure to get rid of the emotion can cause him to feel overwhelmed and stuck. We need to help our children understand that their emotions, like the passing rain, can and will pass. They won’t feel sad, angry, hurt or lonely forever.

What You Need:

  1. A bottle of bubbles

How to Play:

  1. Explain to your child that their feelings and thoughts are a bit like bubbles.
  2. Blow some bubbles – point out how some bubbles are big and some are small – just like how feelings can be big or small, happy or sad. Highlight that just like bubbles, our feelings don’t last forever.
  3. Ask your child to blow some “happy” bubbles. Get your child to talk about what makes him happy. Next, get him to try to stop the “happy” bubbles from popping. Have fun with this: your child can try to catch the bubbles in his hands or try to have a bubble land on his head!
  4. Comment on how some bubbles seem to last longer than others. Share times when you, as a parent, have felt happy either briefly or for a longer time. Reiterate that feelings don’t last forever.
  5. Repeat this process with other feelings, such as anger, sadness or worry. You may find your child wants to pop these bubbles quickly. It is helpful to respond by allowing him to do so. You may also talk about how such feelings often cause discomfort.

This activity can also be used to practise taking deep breaths. Teach them that taking deep breaths help to calm our bodies down when we get angry or anxious.

Recommended read: When Sophie Gets Angry by Molly Bang

#3: Feelings Temperature Check

Aim: Teach your child that there is a range of feelings

Research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere of our brains.

Children are used to taking temperature checks in schools and at the doctor’s. How about a feelings temperature check? A feelings thermometer is a visual scaling technique used to help children to recognise the different intensities of an emotion. This is useful as both children and parents can begin to notice when they are starting to become upset or angry.

Research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere of our brains. It further provides us with the opportunity to implement strategies before our feelings escalate and become more difficult to manage.

What You Need:

  1. A printed picture of a thermometer (Google “feelings thermometer template”)
  2. Coloured pencils and markers

How to Play:

  1. Talk with your child about how an actual thermometer works.
  2. Divide the thermometer into 4 sections. Add words to the thermometer. You may wish to use the following scales: calm, annoyed, angry, furious or calm, nervous, anxious, agitated.
  3. Draw faces to depict different levels of feelings and colour different sections in (use appropriate colours, such as blue for calm and red for furious). Talk about recent experiences and which level of the thermometer they would have been at.
  4. Discuss how easy or hard it is for them to calm down at the different levels and where on the thermometer is the best place for them to use strategies to calm down. (Generally this falls within the middle to calm range.)
  5. With older kids, you can discuss how they feel at the highest level on the thermometer – what they have noticed in their body, thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

We can also apply the feelings thermometer to ourselves and share what helped us to stay calm when things don’t go well. You may wish to use the thermometer daily to monitor how your child is coping and to find out what strategies are working.

#4: Memory Matching

Aim: Empower children to make mistakes and learn from them

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to think rightly about their failures. Instead of responding to mistakes with “I feel dumb”, they need to learn to view these as opportunities for growth.

What you need:

  1. A set of memory matching cards

How to Play:

  1. Shuffle and spread all cards out on a flat surface, face down.
  2. Players take turns to choose any two cards. Make a successful match and leave it face up on the table.
  3. When the cards don’t match, turn the cards back and say the words, “Oops, I made a mistake. I can learn from that,” or “Oops, I made a mistake, I can try again.”

By saying the above phrases over and over in the game, our children are learning a new pattern of thinking. This makes it easier for them to use those statements in real life.

Recommended read: The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires

This article was written by Sue-Anne Wu. Sue-Anne is a coffee lover and nature seeker. An avid reader, books are her lifeline in the choppy waters of life, marriage and parenting. She lives with 4 rambunctious boys aged 3, 6, 8 and 38.

These games are adapted from Creative Ways to Help Children Manage Big Feelings by Dr Fiona Zandt and Dr Suzanne Barretand, and Motivate Your Child by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

Is It Normal for Me to be So Angry with My Kids?

“Why am I constantly yelling at the kids?”

“Is it okay for me to be this angry?”

“What can I do about all these negative emotions?”

If you’re a parent of young children, you may have asked yourself these questions at some point of your parenthood career.

While we often turn to parenting books or blogs to help us get a grip on our angry outbursts, theory is often hard to translate into practice. For me, it takes some self-reflection to first identify the common triggers (or anger buttons), and then making a deliberate effort to practice calming strategies on myself.

Why is it so difficult to control our emotions?

Theresa Pong, former Principal Counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Emotions play an important part in our lives. They help us to survive and avoid danger. More importantly, they help us to allow others to understand us and for us to understand others. Thus, it is normal for us to experience a range of emotions including anger.”

She identified four broad areas that can cause anger to arise:

  1. Personal issues – such as having conflicts with other family members or issues at work
  2. Issues caused by others – such as when a family member accidentally breaks a glass at home or your boss tasks you to complete a task within short notice
  3. External events – such as when an electrical appliance or family car breaks down
  4. Unhappy memories – such as being pickpocketed during an overseas family trip

Questions to check if our anger is well managed

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you are managing your angry or upset feelings well:

  • Is your anger or negative feelings affecting your relationship with others?
  • Do you often entertain extreme negative thoughts, for example, “My kids are ALWAYS making trouble” or “My spouse is NEVER there for me”?
  • Are you constantly shouting, yelling or being hostile to your spouse/children?
  • Do you get physical often when you are experiencing anger?
  • Do you frequently act impulsively in anger, such as using harsh words on your family members, throwing things in anger, or using dangerous objects to threaten them?

As parents who have to juggle multiple roles such as caring for the kids, caring for elderly parents and work, we may find it difficult to get sufficient rest.

Being in a constant state of unhappiness and tiredness may leave us ill-prepared to deal with the multiple stressors of the day.

As such, we may find ourselves frequently in a fight-or-flight mode: At the slightest provocation, we will tend to react negatively.

The 5 steps to anger management

Fortunately for us, there are ways that can help. Theresa shared this 5-step solution to managing our anger well:

1. Be mindful of self

It is important for parents to notice how they feel when angry. For example, if you know you are about to lose your temper, your breathing gets shallow and quick, and there is tension in a particular part of your body, tell yourself these are signs you are in the “zone”.

The “zone” is when you are close to reaching your boiling point, and when you are more prone to over-react or lash out at others in such a way that you may hurt those around you.

2. Do not reject the feelings

Once you are aware that you are in the zone, do not reject the feelings. Some people perceive that it is wrong to feel sad or angry as it means they are weak. Tell yourself that it is normal to feel this way as all are us are made or wired to experience emotions.

3. Take a break

When you are in the zone or close to it, it is good to take a break. It may be just 5 minutes for you to retreat to a quiet space in your home or take a short walk around your housing estate, but this will help you to regulate your emotions and be more in control.

4. Attend to your thoughts and feelings

When you are ready, ask yourself these questions:

  • What emotions am I experiencing?
  • When was the last time I felt this way?
  • Where did these emotions come from?
  • Are there any voices in my mind that is making me even angrier (or intensify other emotions)?
  • What do I really want?

5. Act calmly

After going through the first 4 steps, you are likely to be able to deal with the situation in a calm manner.

For example, if your kids messed up the room after you have spent hours cleaning up, you can tell them firmly that you feel upset about their actions. Then administer a natural consequence such as having them clean up the room.

We can use angry moments as teaching moments for ourselves and our children.

Sometimes, our angry emotions are a cue for us to relook at the situation and see if there are areas we can improve. For example, maybe our kids are acting up more frequently because they’re feeling uncomfortable with certain changes or are feeling distant from us.

While practising the 5 steps shared above, do be patient with yourself and others as it may take time to see the results. However, acknowledge the effort you are making each day and celebrate the small successes. With each step you make, know that you are sowing the seeds of love and kindness in your family!

What Scolding Really Does to Your Child

Chris* will always remember his childhood experience with broccoli. Since he was young, he had always had a distinct dislike for that green vegetable. Perhaps it was the softness of the florets or the peculiar shade of green. Whatever the reason, he had never liked the vegetable, and had always avoided it when his parents gave it to him. When he was three, his parents divorced and his father remarried, and Chris went to live with his stepmother. That change in his life all but sealed his experience with broccoli.

Twenty years later, in the comfort of the counselling room, Chris shared with me that his stepmother took it upon herself to “cure” his disdain for broccoli and all things green. Whenever Chris refused to eat his vegetables, she would scold him in a loud voice, and if he still persisted, she would carry his high chair (with him in it), and place him outside the main door. There he would sit until he either finished his vegetables, or if he got so tired that he fell asleep in his high chair without finishing his food.

“It was the worst period of my life,” he recounted.

To limit the spread of COVID-19, many working parents are now working from home. With students doing home-based learning, our school-going kids are home at the very same time we are figuring out this new work arrangement. Distractions and interruptions can come more easily, potentially impacting our productiveness.

As you work towards a new norm with work and family life, consider how these 6 Rs could help you create a more successful and less stressful environment for everyone in the family!

Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.

According to American educator and author John Bradshaw, every child has feelings, needs and desires, and that if a parent cannot affirm these aspects of a child, he or she rejects the child’s “authentic self”. In his seminal book, “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, he talks about the impact of a parent’s rejection on a child, especially if this leads to shame. According to Bradshaw, shaming makes the child believe that he or she is wrong for feeling, desiring or needing something.

In Chris’ case, the stepmother was rejecting his feelings of disdain for broccoli. By first scolding him, and then carrying the high chair outside the house, his stepmother was entrenching the notion that it is wrong to feel disdain.

This was buttressed by the deeper feelings of rejection that Chris might have felt by other onlookers who passed by the house. Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.

Bradshaw calls this the shame identity; according to him, individuals who have been shamed on numerous occasions take on a persona of worthlessness and defectiveness.

Does this mean that we should stop scolding our children entirely? Especially since it would seem that scolding our children could lead to the development of a shame identity?

As a parent, a number of principles have guided the way I discipline my children:

1. Establishing Loving Boundaries

A friend once shared with me the concept that children are “persons-in-training”. I like this perspective very much and have adopted this paradigm when I guide my kids. Based on this view that my children are still-developing and ever-learning individuals, I work hard to establish clear and loving boundaries regarding is allowed or not allowed in my household.

For instance, screen-time is kept constant each day, and my 10 and 8-year-old sons are allowed no more than half an hour each in the afternoons after they finish their homework.

The boys are aware of this rule and while they may ask for more screen-time, they know that our stance on this is clear; they will not get any additional time, even if they beg, persuade or cajole us.

Through this process, the children learn the importance of boundaries; that they are there to keep the bad out and keep the good in.

2. Seeking to Understand

Children act up for a reason, and oftentimes it stems from their basic needs – they could be hungry, thirsty, tired, or emotionally overwhelmed. When we understand the reason why they throw a tantrum, we can anticipate and manage the situation better. For instance, large party gatherings could be a sensorial nightmare for the kids, and while they may enjoy the excitement of being in a crowd of friends, the environment might cause them to get emotionally overwhelmed.

As such, leaving the gathering just a little earlier (or later) could help to reduce the likelihood of any potential tantrum. Understanding leads to empathy, and we are then less likely to get upset with our children when we know that they are not misbehaving on purpose, but are instead communicating a physical or emotional need.

3. Removing and Replacing

We often share in our workshops that one way of managing our children’s emotions is to remove the negative behaviour and replace it with an action that is more socially acceptable. For instance, if the child is likely to hit another person when he or she is feeling anxious or stressed, it might be helpful to provide a tactile fidget that serves as a replacement object for the child to express his or her emotions.

Using such a replacement strategy, we can change our children’s negative behaviours to more acceptable ones.

It has taken many months of counselling to help Chris deal with the numerous issues associated with scolding and toxic shame. Over time he has learnt to deal with the years of pain that he had experienced through his difficult family situation.

But till today, he still refuses to eat broccoli.

*The names and identities in this article have been changed to protect their confidentiality.

 

Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 10 and 8.

Raising A Responsible Child Does Not Need Harsh Methods

The 7-year-old hurriedly deposited the bag of goods at the kitchen table. He then dashed off to his room to play with his brother. But not before he heard a shout from the kitchen.

“E! What happened to the eggs! Why are half of them broken!”

As the 7-year-old returned to the kitchen, he was met with a frown on his father’s face. The bag of eggs was open, and it was not a pretty picture.

“Why are the eggs broken?” asked the father in an upset yet calm tone.

“Er…. I don’t know,” came the reply.

“Well, I saw how you had thrown them on the kitchen table. You were too eager to go to your room and play.”

The boy did not reply. His eyes turned to the ground and he attempted to avoid his father’s stern glare.

“Who is responsible for the broken eggs?” asked the father.

“Sorry Daddy. It’s my fault.”

“I accept your apology. But E, do you know who is ultimately responsible for the eggs?”

The little boy looked at his father, expecting him to yell at him for not properly handling the eggs.

“I am ultimately responsible. You are still a young boy, and I chose to let you carry the eggs. So although you are partly to blame for breaking the eggs, but at the end of the day, as your father, I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the eggs.”

The little boy was surprised at the response, his eyes taking in the weight of all that had just been said; and all at once there seemed to appear a gleam of gratitude on his face.

“I understand, Daddy. If you don’t love us you wouldn’t spend so much time training us and teaching us to be responsible….”

Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.

Building Healthy Habits

Since our children were young we have been teaching them the importance of being responsible for their actions. For instance, since the age of 5 or 6, our kids have been carrying their own plates to the table after we place our orders at the food centre. We are aware that they could possibly drop the plates, but we have decided that even if they did that, it’s still okay. And at home, we have used regular crockery and other utensils from an early age, instead of the plastic cups and plates which are usually used by many other kids. Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.

Many of these ideas have come from 19th century educationalist Charlotte Mason, whose writings on classical education have shaped the minds of many. A prominent teacher and writer, Mason believed that a parent’s chief duty was to “form in his child right habits of thinking and behaving.” To that end, habit formation was one of the key principles that she advocated.

I remember one of her analogies about habit formation. She noted that the train goes around a fixed railway track each day. Would it then be possible one day for the train to suddenly decide to go off track? Likely not; the railway tracks have been established from the start, and the train would not travel in a route that was not there before. Likewise, when we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow from the beginning of his or her life. Consequently, we need to help our children develop healthy habits as early as possible.

When we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow throughout life.

No Need for Harsh Consequences

What then about responsibility? Many parents have chosen an approach known as classical conditioning. If the child does something right, they are rewarded. But if they do something wrong, they are punished. This model of teaching responsibility is borrowed from psychology, and many parents today practise this method.

However, if we were to draw from Mason’s principles to teach responsibility, we would see responsibility as an extension of habit formation. So if we teach our children how to be responsible from an early age, they will start practicing good habits and take ownership of their day-to-day responsibilities.

As such, there is no need for an external stimulus like a reward or a punishment to drive our kids. Instead, our children are motivated by an internal desire to be responsible for their actions.

They can begin by learning to be responsible in small ways such as watering the plants and clearing the dinner table daily. As your kids get older, you can scaffold their responsibilities and entrust them with chores such as washing or hanging of laundry, or vacuuming and mopping the house.

However, as parents, we should bear the ultimate responsibility for what happens under our care. As such, we need to monitor whether the plants are being watered or if the dishes are being cleaned properly, continually guiding and reminding our kids if the leaves turn yellow or if there is leftover soap on the dishes. There is therefore no need for harsh punishment. We instead replace this with regular training.

What if the child refuses or forgets to do his chores? Chore refusal is a behavioural issue and needs to be resolved accordingly, with an appropriate punishment such as a “time in” or a withdrawal of privileges. As for forgetfulness, we all forget things from time to time; we can simply remind the child to do the chore, regardless of how inconvenient it may be for them.

“Daddy,” said the 9-year-old, “It’s already evening and I have yet to water the plants. I’m very tired and I really want to go to bed.”

“Yes, Z. I know it has been a long day for you.”

“But Daddy, I know I must water the plants. It’s my responsibility.”

“Yes, Z. You are absolutely right. Why don’t you ask your younger brother to help with the lights?”

And so the younger child reached out and switched on the balcony lights, while the older child proceeded to water the plants. The younger brother then completed the task by switching off the lights.

“You know Z and E, you have both done very well. Daddy is very proud of both of you!”

And the boys beamed a brilliant smile, even as they headed to bed.

Think about:

  • What is one way your child can help out in the home this week?

Help Your Child Overcome the Fear of Failure

“Just tell me if my answer is correct.”

My daughter was getting increasingly exasperated as she knew I wasn’t feeding her with the answers without ensuring that she understood the thought process to solve her Math questions. To her, mistakes are a sign of failure and she wanted to stay a mile away from them.

At the tender age of 10, she is already painfully aware of how negative being labelled as a failure can be. In school, non-performers have been put down by classmates, while praises were lavished on the top scorers.

In contrast, I’ve also heard of schools giving out medals to everyone for participating at Sport Day so no one feels excluded. Both extremes give failure a bad reputation; why do we make failure out to be a dead end?

While we want our children to be successful in their endeavours, the last thing we should do is shield them from every obstacle that come their way. If children are never taught how to deal with setbacks, how can they build the resilience to recover from them?

Very often, the fear of failure is worse than actual failure itself as it creates anxiety and hinders our children from trying new things. In order for children to overcome the fear of failure, we must equip them with a healthy perspective of failure.

1. Teach them that failures are building blocks to success

What if we taught our children that failures are essential to success? And that in order to succeed, failures have to be part of the equation.

We can take on the role of a coach. Instead of taking over their problems, help them to evaluate the problem, brainstorm possible solutions, and gently point out their blind spots or where they can improve.

With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes. They will likely also learn to approach difficult situations from different angles, helping them to be more creative and persistent at problem-solving.

With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes.

2. Emphasise on progress, not perfection

Children often get disheartened when they see that they are not doing as well as others, but we can help them to focus on the progress they have made. Recognise the efforts they have put in and assure them that if they continue trying, they will be able to get there.

Encourage them not to give up just because they have not achieved their goal yet. It just means that there is room for improvement and growth.

3. Temper our reactions towards failures

Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.

Instead of saying, “You just need to try harder next time,” we can be more empathetic in our response by saying, “I know you trained hard for the trials and I’m sorry you didn’t get into the team. Do you want to talk about it?”

Our reaction to the setbacks that our children experience shapes their mindset towards failures. If we are always looking for someone to blame, children may try to find an excuse when things don’t go as planned. By responding with more compassion, we are teaching them to take personal responsibility towards failure.

Growing their self-awareness will also put them in a better position to pick themselves up after a fall. If they were unprepared for their test, ask if they felt they had put in enough time and effort on their revision, and if not, what they can do next time. If they were overlooked for a leadership role, ask what areas they think they can work on for the next round of selection.

Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.

4. Emphasise that they are not defined by failures

For self-esteem to flourish, children need to know they are not defined by their success or failure. Similarly, we must recognise that our children’s success or failure do not define us as well.

While we may worry about our children failing at school, being overly caught up with grades can be suffocating and disempowering for children when they feel they are not measuring up.

As parents, we have to have a realistic view of our children’s abilities and set our expectations accordingly. By learning what motivates them, we can activate our children’s inner drive instead of making them do well to please us.

We can also be vulnerable and share our personal stories of disappointments we face at work. Insodoing, we are normalising failure and modelling to our kids so they can see how to cope with and overcome setbacks.

Failures can be painful but learning to change the conversations we have about failure will help reframe how our children perceive failure. With a more positive and growth-oriented mindset, they will be in a stronger position to overcome challenges in the future.

Think about:

  • How will you talk about failure with your child this coming week?