Child’s Life Stage: Primary Schooler

Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids

In a world where the sex and gender binary is being challenged and transgenderism is being presented as a cool fad on social media, parents may find themselves dumbfounded when encountering challenging questions from their children.   

What makes someone a male or female? How do I know if I’m not a female stuck in a male body? How do we start having these conversations with our kids? 

Amid the growing confusion about biology, sex and gender, it’s important to get the facts straight.  

Sex is binary, >99.98% of the time  

As far as biological sex goes, sex is binary and not a spectrum. Over 99.98% of people can be accurately categorised as male or female, based on their physiology, hormones and chromosomes.  

For most people, these three indicators are aligned, and sex is unambiguous. 

Indicators Male Female
Physiology
(reproductive organs, body shape, etc) 		Testes, penis, facial hair, more muscle mass, deeper voice pitch etc Ovaries, uterus, vagina, breasts, wider hips, more body fat, higher voice pitch etc
Hormones Much higher testosterone levels than females Much higher estrogen and progesterone levels than males
Genetics
(chromosomes) 		XYXX

Only in very rare cases is sex ambiguous, falling into the category of “intersex”. Some examples of these are people who present with both types of genitalia (but with all other indicators showing either male or female), males with very low levels of testosterone, or females who embody cells with XY chromosomes – but these are the exception rather than the norm. 

Maleness or femaleness is not limited to the reproductive organs — sex chromosomes are expressed in every single cell of our bodies — in other words, all cells have a sex. (See: Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?) 

In a biological sense, you are either male or female, for more than the vast majority of people. 

Understanding gender 

For a long time, people thought of “gender” as being synonymous with “sex”. However, over time, “gender” has evolved to be understood as a social and cultural construct. 

The World Health Organisation defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys” including “norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.” 

It is said that boys and girls are brought up within societal and cultural expectations according to their gender. Boys, who are seen as the protectors, are given guns and swords to play with while girls, who may later bear children and make a home, are made to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dolls. 

There are general masculine traits (males tend to be more risk-taking, dominant and aggressive, etc) versus feminine traits (females tend to be more nurturing, emotional and sensitive, etc). Studies show that these broad characteristics and behaviours of each gender may be fuelled by sex differences in the brain and genetic make-up.    

However, both males and females can display masculine as well as feminine traits to varying degrees. Each person has a unique personality and cannot be forced into a single mould.  

 Instead of categorising people according to gender stereotypes, which is not helpful, it is better to identify positive or negative traits. For example, decisive leadership is good for the thriving of society, but violence, bullying and harassment are not. Caring for others and fostering community through friendship is positive, but gossiping, being passive-aggressive and manipulative are not.  

 There is a growing narrative today that people can assume the gender they identify more with – who they “feel” they are – rather than who they actually are. However, as parents, we should ground our children in truth – which is not based on feelings but on reality.  

 When do we start these conversations?  

When speaking about complex issues with our children, it’s important to think about their age, maturity and ability to grasp such concepts.  

Preschool years (4-6 Years)

Around the preschool ages, we can talk about the differences between male and female bodies, for example during bath time.  

Children are naturally curious at a very young age and may have questions such as, “Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn’t, mummy?” To which we can answer, “Women have breasts and men do not. When women get pregnant and give birth, their breasts start to produce milk so that they can feed their babies.”  

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the lower primary schooling years of seven to nine, we should ideally begin to talk about sexual reproduction and how males and females complement each other in a healthy society. 

 

Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children. 

Tween years (10-12) 

More in-depth conversations regarding sex and gender can begin during the tween years when children start to have the maturity to grasp more difficult concepts and topics, using the pointers given above. 

Very often, it is an unexpected event that sparks these conversations and we are caught unaware. Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism, or peers may have talked about having pronouns at school. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children.  

Children are starting to explore questions on gender identity at a younger age, but it is unusual for them to be initiating such topics on their own, and is usually the result of social media or peer influence.  

It is important that we watch over our children’s media consumption, while ensuring that our attachment with our kids remains secure. This will help us retain our influence over our children.  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

True acceptance and affirmation  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

Accept and affirm them in their biological sex, gender and personality, instead of making them conform to stereotypes. There are sensitive boys who cry easily when hurt and girls with natural leadership gifts who like to take charge. Affirm them in their uniqueness: “You are a sensitive person who cares about others and helps people,” or “You are a strong leader.”  

Allow them to discover themselves through their interests — whether it be boys wanting to learn ballet or play with doll houses (who will hopefully grow to help with the domestic chores), or girls wanting to pursue archery or bodybuilding.  

Instead of thinking of gender as being on a spectrum, we can ponder how each person is unique and colourful in their combination of interests and personality.  

As parents who have cared and loved our children since they were born, we should be unashamed in affirming them, advocating for them and accepting them for who they are — male or female.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Not Let Stress and Anxiety Get the Better of You

Stress and anxiety affect people of all ages. While for some, stress works as a form of motivation, others find it overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. In today’s fast-paced world, managing both stress and anxiety is a crucial skill.

Though often confused, stress and anxiety aren’t the same. According to Focus on the Family Singapore’s counsellor Samantha Cheng, stress is a natural bodily response that triggers physical reactions like a racing heart, dry mouth, and stomach aches. Even animals experience stress.

Anxiety can take different forms, such as panic attacks, social anxiety, or phobias.

What can we do when faced with stress and anxiety? Here are some practical tips to manage stress and anxiety with effective tips, exercises, and strategies for both adults and children.

“Asking yourself, ‘Why am I stressed?’ can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.”

How to acknowledge and manage stress effectively 

Samantha explains that when managed well, stress can improve brain function—boosting memory, attention, and processing speed. “First, acknowledge your stress,” says Samantha. “Then, notice what’s causing it.”

Simply repeating how stressed you feel without figuring out the reason won’t help. Asking yourself, Why am I stressed? can help you find the root cause. Once you understand what’s bothering you, it’s easier to deal with it.

For instance, if you’re nervous about a meeting with your boss, ask yourself, What do I care about here? Maybe it’s a promotion or concern over how you’re viewed. Once you identify your concern, take action. Talk to your boss, get feedback, and focus on working toward your goals, instead of letting stress control you.

“Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.”

Transforming stress into growth

By changing how you think about stress, you can use it as a tool for growth. Samantha calls this “stress-related growth,” which can build mental toughness, encourage new perspectives, and give us a clearer sense of priorities.

“When we’re stressed, our focus sharpens,” she explains. “That’s nature helping us focus on what’s important.” Instead of fearing the intense focus that comes with stress, try using it to stay on task.

These stressful moments can also show you what really matters in life. They can lead to a greater appreciation of life and a deeper sense of purpose. This skill is valuable not only for you but also for teaching children how to grow through stress.

Helping children manage stress

Teaching your child to recognise stress—like butterflies in their stomach, fear, or avoidance—is the first step. Equip them with simple strategies to manage stress, so they can face challenges confidently.

Here are some techniques that both children and adults can use:

1. Physiological sighs
Take two breaths through your nose—the first filling your lungs and the second a quick shallow breath. Then exhale slowly through your mouth. This calms the nervous system and helps you feel more relaxed.

2. Muscle relaxation exercises
Tense your muscles, then relax them. Start with areas where stress tends to build up, like your shoulders. This releases the physical tension caused by stress.

3. Positive affirmations
Repeating a helpful phrase can ground you during stressful times. For children, something simple like “I can do this” can work. Adults might say, “I’ve faced this before and I can do it again.” Choose a phrase that inspires you and is easy to remember.

4. Anchoring objects
Use a small, familiar item, like a favourite sticker on a pencil case or a small family photo, to remind you of your positive affirmation. Each time you see the object, let it bring you back to a calm state of mind.

Integrating stress management into your daily life

Incorporate these stress-management techniques into your daily activities—whether at work, school, or during interactions with others. Share how you use these techniques with your child. It normalises stress management and models healthy coping strategies.

Sometimes, stress can become overwhelming, and seeking professional help is the best option. No one should face stress and anxiety alone, and there’s always support available. 

With these simple strategies, both adults and children can better manage their stress and anxiety, leading to a more resilient and balanced life. 

How to Develop Effective Study Strategies for Exams

Exam preparation season can feel like a dreaded yet necessary rite of passage that most Singaporean families are familiar with. During these periods, we hunker down together with our children, armed with a trove of assessment books, notes, and materials, hoping to support them well for “battle.”  

As I write this, my child has just finished the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) oral exam. Even though this is our fourth PSLE as a family (with two more to go!), I’d be wrong if I said that there’s no pressure—there still is! 

While preparing for year-end exams or the PSLE can be stressful for both students and parents, the right approach can make it a manageable and even rewarding experience. Here are some strategies we’ve picked up along the way that could be helpful for fellow parents on the same journey.

1. Set up a study timetable  

The first step in effective exam preparation is creating a realistic study timetable that balances academic goals with personal time. Work with your child to identify key subjects that need more focus and allocate specific times each day for study or revision sessions. Be sure to include breaks and downtime to prevent burnout. 

At home, we sometimes use the Pomodoro Technique, a time management method where you do focused work during 25-minute intervals—known as Pomodoros—and take a five-minute break. This technique is particularly effective for children who need to build stamina and avoid mental fatigue during long study sessions. 

Parents can further support their children by setting up a conducive study environment, free from distractions, and providing necessary resources or practice papers. Having a timetable helps develop discipline and accountability, while regular check-ins allow for adjustments to keep their study plan on track. 

Making personalised notes or creating mind maps is far more beneficial than simply receiving a stack of notes. 

2. Practise active learning techniques

A crucial aspect of a successful study strategy is practicing active learning techniques. Instead of just reading or memorising textbooks, students should engage in activities that reinforce their learning. This could include doing practice papers, teaching a concept to a family member, or processing their learning through mind maps. 

I believe that making personalised notes or creating mind maps is far more beneficial than simply receiving a stack of notes from an older sibling or schoolmate. Mind maps are excellent for independent learning, breaking down complex concepts, and boosting creativity and productivity. My children have found this technique particularly useful.  

My older daughter, who’s now in tertiary education, still enjoys filling notebooks with her own notes for content-heavy subjects. These notes help her visualise and create strong associations between ideas, promoting better retention of information. She even prefers referring to her own notes over textbooks! 

3. Divide and conquer with bite–sized practice  

When a subject is challenging, breaking the work into manageable parts can improve focus and minimise distractions. The key is to take small, achievable steps rather than becoming overwhelmed by what your child doesn’t know. 

For example, if your child struggles with vocabulary, they could revise and remember a few English words each day, gradually incorporating these into their compositions. A fun alternative would be to create opportunities at the dinner table for them to attempt using these words in a sentence. Reassure them that every small effort counts toward progress. 

For my daughter, who finds the longer 3-5 mark questions in Math papers daunting, we tackle practice papers in bite-sized portions. We break the paper into shorter sections, such as 10 questions per section, and time her to complete each section independently, for example, in 30 minutes. This approach helps her stay focused without feeling overwhelmed, while also building her stamina for longer sessions. We have found this method particularly helpful in boosting her morale and confidence over time.  

Corrections shouldn’t just be about copying down the right answer; the goal is to anchor the thought processes needed to solve questions independently. 

4. Back to basics 

For children still struggling to pass a subject, revisiting foundational knowledge is crucial. Focus on gaining competency in basic areas before moving on to more complex topics. For instance, mastering Paper 1 in Math or Science—which tends to cover fundamental concepts—can be a more achievable target before tackling the more demanding Paper 2 questions. 

Emphasise the importance of doing corrections properly. Corrections shouldn’t just be about copying down the right answer; the goal is to anchor the thought processes needed to solve questions independently. Understanding why a mistake was made, rather than simply studying the correct answer, is key to developing a stable foundation for future learning. 

Helping our children master the fundamentals and understanding why they made a mistake, will go a long way in helping them develop a stable base for secondary education when they eventually make the transition. 

5. Care for the whole child 

Amidst academic preparation, we must never underestimate the importance of caring for our children’s mental and emotional well-being. If they are feeling stressed or anxious, it’s unlikely they will perform well academically. 

Make time for regular check-ins with your child, assuring them that they are more than their grades. Ensure they get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, and engage in regular physical activity, as these factors greatly impact concentration, memory retention, and overall performance. A positive mindset, supported by a healthy lifestyle, can significantly improve your child’s ability to handle exam stress. 

 Finally, foster a supportive and encouraging home environment. Celebrate small achievements and progress to keep motivation levels high. Instead of putting undue pressure on achieving good scores, focus on effort and improvement. By working together as a family, our children can approach their PSLE with confidence and resilience, knowing they have the full support of their loved ones. 

Why does My Friend have Two Mums?

Primary years (7-9)
Tween years (10-12) 

If you have not already done so, explain to your child how babies are made. Help your child understand that this means that every child has one mother and one father who conceived them.  

In some cases, however, the biological mummy or daddy is unable to take care of them, and thus some children are cared for by other caring, trusted adults for example adoptive or foster parents who can love the children as if they were their own.  

There are also cases where the mummy or daddy does not want to form a family or stay together as a family, such as in the case of a divorce. In some cases, they move on to create a new family unit consisting of other people, such that there is now more than one mummy or daddy.   

Come to a consensus with your spouse on your family’s stand and opinions on these alternative family structures, so that you can explain to your child your values in a calm and thoughtful way. Regardless, assure them of your love as their parent and of the stability of your relationship with your spouse. 

What could be the effects on children growing up in such families, and how do they impact the community around us? 

Teen years (13-15) 
Emerging years (16-19) 

Children at this age are likely to have been exposed to ideas and arguments for alternative family structures that may consist of only one or neither of the child’s biological dad or mum.  

Explain that there are people who experience feelings of attraction toward someone of the same sex. This is what is commonly called sexual orientation. Some people may then choose as adults to form a family unit consisting only of one or none of the child’s biological mother or father.  

As they grow, your teens may be increasingly clued in about different forms of sexual attraction and may have their own opinions about each one of them. Discover what they think by continuing the conversations about sex and sexuality.  

Explain to them the difference between biological sex, gender identity and sexual attraction. Our biological sex is determined by the sex chromosomes in our body and should correspond with our gender identity and sexual attraction. A minority, however, might experience an incongruence between their biological sex and gender identity, and/or sexual orientation. These incongruences sometimes cause them to adjust their lives in a way that does not align to their biological sex, leading them to form family structures that are different. 

Come to an agreement with your spouse on what your family’s stand and opinions are on these alternative family forms. Explain them to your child in a calm and thoughtful way, and invite their feedback on what they think about families with different values and ideals. Answer any questions they might have honestly, including admitting if you lack the necessary information and offering to learn together with them about such complex issues.

If an alternative sexual lifestyle or family structure is shown on a movie you are watching together, use that to start on a conversation on whether they noticed and what they thought about it. Listen calmly without judgment. Teenagers can sometimes rely more on their emotional brain, and carry a great sense of social justice.  

Affirm your child for their desire to make a difference in the world, and their passion for wanting to right any wrongs. Listen to their thoughts and be curious about why they think the way they do. Discuss with them the impact of such alternative family structures – what could be the effects on children growing up in such a family environment? Are there implications on the wider community that we should also consider?

Teach your children how to have rational and respectful conversations about such issues with their friends or on the internet, how to express their opinions clearly, and what to do when people do not respond kindly or respectfully to their views.  

These may be difficult conversations to have because the issues are complex, but emphasise the principle that we always treat people with respect and kindness regardless of whether we agree with them. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

A Guide to Understanding Consent

Consent and boundaries set the foundation of healthy relationships based on trust and respect. As parents, we want to raise our children to grow into respectful and empathetic individuals.

But what exactly is consent? What is the difference between consent and boundaries? And how do we teach our kids about it?

What is the difference between consent and boundaries?

Consent is giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something. It is a clear, affirmative, and voluntary agreement between participants to engage in a specific activity. Silence does not mean consent, and consent can be given or taken away at any moment.

Boundaries are rules that we put in place to keep ourselves safe. This can include both physical and emotional safety.

Why should we explain consent to our children?

As parents, we need to be clear from the get-go with our children; as children, they do not have the maturity and ability yet to give consent, especially in the area of sexual touch. 

However, consent is not just about sex. It is something that we give (or not give) every day. For example, lending someone a pen or a book. Talking about consent in a broader, everyday sense when our children are young allows us to better handle the more delicate conversations about consent when the time is right. 

What may be more developmentally appropriate for them to understand is the concept of boundaries, where they can learn what is appropriate and what isn’t.

How to teach boundaries to children 

Early/preschool years (0-6)

Begin teaching the basics of boundaries from a young age. We can use simple language and relatable scenarios to help our children grasp the concept. For example, explain that if a friend doesn’t want to share a toy, that is their boundary, and we should respect that decision. 

We can model this in our daily interactions, such as by asking them for permission before hugging or tickling your child, and respecting their response.  

Everyday situations provide ample teachable moments. If your child takes something without asking, use it as a moment to explain why it’s important to get permission first. 

Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them.

Primary years (7-9)

When children enter primary school, they may experience situations where their classmates behave in unexpected ways, for example taking their stationery or personal belongings without permission. 

At home, work hard to create an environment where our children feel comfortable expressing their true feelings and boundaries. Encourage them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable about anything that happened in school, and assure them that their feelings and opinions are valid. 

Help your children understand that everyone has personal boundaries that should be respected. Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them. 

We can even use role-playing to practise making a request. This can help children feel more confident in real-life situations. For example, practise asking if they can borrow a toy from a friend, and prepare them to accepting the answer, whether it’s a “yes”, “no”, or “wait”. 

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others.

Tween years (10-12) 

As your tween grows in independence, it is important to keep communication open. By having regular conversations about things like peer pressure and how it can affect their ability to stand their ground even when it goes against their values or wishes, we are helping them develop strategies on to assert their boundaries and say “no” in difficult situations. 

If they are into online games, it is also important to monitor who they converse with online and about how they can stay safe if a stranger tries to strike up a conversation with them.  

In today’s digital age, boundaries are also important in online interactions.  

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others. 

Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)

At this age, some teens may begin to explore romantic relationships, so it is vital to continue talking about how love and relationships work, what healthy boundaries are, and the special significance of sex within a committed loving relationship like marriage.

This is also the stage where we can help them understand more about consent in the context of sexual activity. We can raise questions such as:

  • Is consent all that matters when it comes to sexual acts? What else should we consider? 
  • Is all consensual sex morally acceptable and right? 
  • With the pervasiveness of pornography, sexual acts can sometimes veer into the extreme/unhealthy category. What could be some of the consequences on the individual? How can we tell if something is good or bad for us?  

Make sure your teen understands that consent can be changed or withdrawn at any time. Help them understand that any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent, for example, if they are drunk, is actually sexual abuse. Encourage them to communicate any changes in their feelings clearly and assertively, and to not hesitate to come to you for help if they find themselves in any sticky situations. 

By teaching our children about sex in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage, we equip them with the tools they need to protect themselves from engaging in sex prematurely, and to build respectful and healthy relationships.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Is Sex a Bad Word?

Sex should be associated with love, intimacy, commitment, but it has come to be associated with guilt and shame. How do we give our children a healthy understanding of sex? 

Primary years (7-9)

What happens when parents avoid talking about sex? 

Avoiding having conversations about sex tells your children that firstly, sex is a taboo topic, and it is embarrassing or even shameful to talk about. It also tells them that parents are not the people to talk to about sex, which may push them to learn about it from other potentially unreliable sources of information (eg. social media). This may lead your children to think about sex in ways that are unhelpful or untrue.  

At this tender age, you may want to approach the topic as a matter of fact, describing sex as “a natural process that happens between a man and woman when they are married, and it is how babies are created.”  

You should also refer to parts of the body related to sex using their accurate names (e.g., penis, vagina, womb) instead of using euphemisms.  

Through these actions, we show our children that sex is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We will also be  signalling to our kids that they can come to us if they have any questions.  

Tween years (10-12) 

By this stage, if you have not broached the topic of sex, it is likely that they’ve heard something about it from their classmates or friends. 

You may want to open up the conversation by asking them what they know about it. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex. For instance, if you come across a scene in a TV show or movie that portrays sex in a way that contradicts your values regarding sex, you can use this opportunity to share with your children your opinions and values. You can also start to introduce to your children the idea that sex is a good and beautiful part of marriage. 

By bringing these conversations up organically in everyday life, you create a culture of openness in the home, where such topics, widely deemed as sensitive, can be discussed regularly. 

Take advantage of everyday situations to start conversations about sex.

Teen years (13-15) 

It is likely that your teen would have had some exposure to the topic of sex and sexual orientation.  

While it is important to warn your children of the dangers of sex in inappropriate contexts (e.g., unplanned pregnancies, teenage pregnancies, STIs and STDs, etc.), it is also equally important to talk about the positive aspects of sex when it is done in the appropriate context of marriage. 

Within marriage, sex is more than just an act of temporary sensual pleasure. It is an expression of a couple’s love and commitment to each other, which has the power to deepen the sense of safety and intimacy in the relationship.  

Highlighting the positive aspects of sex within marriage helps to correct the misconception that sex is taboo, while reinforcing the idea that sex within marriage is nature’s way of allowing for procreation.  

Ultimately, the key principle is to create a non-judgmental atmosphere where your children feel safe to talk about any topic in life, including sensitive topics like sex, and to share their feelings and concerns with you.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How to Motivate an Unmotivated Child

Parents would be familiar with the challenge of motivating their children toward learning. More specifically, the lack of motivation toward the things that require delayed gratification, such as completing their homework in a timely manner or preparing for upcoming assessments.  

Once getting them on task, the next challenge is helping them to stay motivated for the longer-term. And the question that all parents face is – how?  

Every child is a precious gift, with unique strengths and dispositions that call for more than a one-size-fits-all solution. As parents, we intuitively want to solve all our children’s problems to spare them the suffering, but what if it isn’t so much a problem to be solved quickly, but a challenge to be properly understood first?  

In this article, I suggest 4 general principles for helping our unmotivated child to become motivated and to stay motivated:

1. Begin with ourselves

For parents, the goal of helping our children to discover and sustain their motivation cannot be achieved without first taking a step in the right direction, which is to examine our own relationship with motivation, and checking that we’re modelling the best possible example authentically and consistently. Our children are always watching, observing, and imitating us, even when we least want them to. “Walking our talk” therefore requires that we regularly calibrate what’s in our hearts, for everything we do flows out of it.

Whether we prefer journaling or taking a slow walk in the outdoors, it helps to use simple reflective questions as regular “checkpoints”: 

  • What motivates me as a parent, and where does my motivation come from?  
  • What am I inspired by?  
  • How well do I model delayed gratification, and where can I do better?  
  • Why am I on this journey of motivating my child, and what is my end-goal? (more on this toward the end) 

Motivation comes from knowing that you are able to become better at what you are learning, academically or otherwise.  

2. Build our ‘trust capital’

 Have you noticed that your words land differently when you take on a caring, reconciliatory tone? This is the power of cultivating a trusting relationship with our children, one where they know we are their safe harbour. Even in their most trying moments, they feel safe to bare their hearts to us. This “trust capital” isn’t built overnight, however; it takes cumulative, consistent actions over a period of time. It’s the deeper “whys” of our child’s unmotivation we want to work on.  

For example, unmotivation can be due to repeated feelings of discouragement or defeats from our child’s lack of mastery in an area. In such cases, we can meet this need by intentionally looking out for and celebrating every bit of progress, followed by fine-tuning the next goal for them to ensure it is age-appropriate and achievable. Motivation comes from knowing that you are able to become better at what you are learning, academically or otherwise.  

I remember when my son would drag his feet to football lessons and show no interest toward it no matter how much we cheered him on. It turned out that he was overwhelmed by the significant difference in abilities between him and his peers, and had internalised the belief that he was simply not good enough. It took us some time to establish enough trust before he felt safe enough to open up. After he did so, we were able to address it immediately by switching him to another class that better matched his needs.   

 The deeper “why” can only be uncovered and addressed adequately if we share a deep, trusting relationship with our child.  

3. Include ‘fun’ in the everyday

Injecting moments of bite-sized fun into the everyday is likely to be more impactful than a once-in-a-while fun activity. As a family, what are some fun things you can do daily to inspire one another toward growth? Making it a family endeavour has the added bonus of forming deeper relationships. (Big Life Journal has some great ideas you can adapt for yours!)  

 Grocery shopping is my golden opportunity to engage my son in seeing real-life benefits to all his mathematical learning from school. I would set aside a budget for the grocery list, and we would hunt for the best deals together.  

 Besides doing simple additions and subtractions, he’s learnt to appreciate that divisions and multiplications are especially helpful in stretching our dollar, such as when there are bulk discounts. Apart from being a fun activity for us, any unused part of the budget also goes toward his savings, which motivates him toward becoming better at the numbers game.  

 Undeniably, our grocery trips end up taking time. But I’m assured that this investment of time toward our “trust capital” will yield its due rewards at some point.  

The purpose of explicitly modelling a healthy response to unmotivation is so that they are led to discover intrinsic motivation for themselves eventually; it is not for us to be their motivation. 

4. Keep the end in mind

As parents, we’re the ones with the knowledge and experience necessary to make decisions in the best interests of our child. Identifying the right goal starts with us being clear about our role – ultimately, we want to raise children who will grow into independently functioning adults. This may mean having to fight against the reflex to quickly swoop in and “rescue” our child from every unmotivation, and recognising that some struggles may be necessary and does not always mean we (or they) are failing.  

The purpose of explicitly modelling a healthy response to unmotivation is so that they are led to discover intrinsic motivation for themselves eventually; it is not for us to be their motivation. The former nurtures independent individuals with a growth mindset, while the latter creates dependent individuals. Since switching to a different football class, my son has been able to experience the intrinsic reward that comes from simply knowing that he is able to become better at the sport. He no longer needs repeated reminders to get ready for his training.  

The journey of motivating an unmotivated child is long-term, as different life stages of our child bring different challenges to be overcome together. However, the privilege of getting to do this with them in ways that no others can, keeps us going. 

Should I Let My Child Go for a Sleepover?

Is your child requesting for a sleepover at a friend’s house? What considerations should you have before immediately agreeing or disagreeing to the request? How can you prepare your child when they are away from you? 

Primary to tweens (7-12)

Sleepovers can be exciting and memorable for young children as they imagine being able to stay up late into the night and spending extended time with their pals.

Instead of immediately approaching your child’s friend’s parents to find out about the sleepover arrangements, have a conversation with your child first. Find out who initiated the sleepover, what is the occasion for the sleepover, who else is invited, and what the sleeping arrangements will be like.

Involving your child in this decision process not only empowers them, but it also helps them understand the considerations you have for their safety.

Consider these additional questions:

  • How well do you know the parents of your child’s friends?
  • Who will be supervising the sleepover?
  • What activities have been planned?
  • What are the guidelines on the types of media that can be consumed in their homes?

If you decide to allow your child to go for the sleepover, it is essential to prepare them for various scenarios. These can range from sleeping in an unfamiliar environment, feeling afraid of the dark without their comfort item, and knowing how to handle situations they are uncomfortable with.

Instruct your child that children should not have to keep secrets that break body safety rules and what is a good touch and bad touch. Assure them that you can always be reached, and go through with them on how they can contact you.

If you are uncomfortable for your child to go for a sleepover, express your concerns to your child in a calm and empathetic manner. Avoid instilling fear or paranoia which may send a message of distrust for their friend and family members. Instead focus on explaining your reasons for their safety and well-being when they are away from you.

Teen years and late teens (13-18) 

In their early and late teens, your child would be better equipped to identify threatening behaviours and situations. However, it is still important for us to ensure their well-being and safety. The fact that they are asking you for permission shows they respect you and value your guidance.

However, teens are also more susceptible to peer pressures and may sometimes behave in ways that go against their usual behaviours in their desire to fit in with their peers. It is therefore crucial to lay down limits and boundaries if you grant your teen permission for sleepovers. This includes setting curfew time, behavioural guidelines and clearly out-of-bound areas such as consuming alcohol and smoking/vaping.

Roleplay with your teen on how they can gently but firmly excuse themselves from participating in activities they are uncomfortable with. Together with your teen, come up with some safety words or codes they can use to text you if they need you to pick them up immediately. Assure them that no questions will be asked if they are not ready to talk about it.

Consider these additional questions:

  • Does everyone sleep in the same room or separate rooms?
  • Is there any sharing of bed?
  • Will there be friends of the opposite sex at the sleepover?
  • What will you do if alcohol or cigarettes/vapes appear unexpectedly?
  • What are they planning to do?

Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

It is generally advisable to avoid sleepovers involving friends of the opposite sex, especially at an age when your teen is starting to be curious about sex. Encourage your teen to think critically about the reasons behind your family’s guidelines rather than simply imposing them.

You can explain your family’s stand on this matter and discuss how sleepovers with the opposite sex can potentially lead to unintended and compromising situations. Your priority is to help them understand the importance of respecting boundaries and avoiding potentially complicated situations.

Coach them to consider situations that may come up unexpectedly to start practicing more independence and accountability, instead of simply exercising control over them. Knowing that trust is a two-way street is empowering for teens to make wise decisions that are guided by their family’s values even while they are away from home.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Trusting the Process in Motherhood

The feeling you get when you cradle your newborn and take in every tiny detail of his/her little face. The amazement and excitement of witnessing your child’s firsts. The way your heart swells with pride when you look at the person they are growing into. 

Being a mother is one of the most unique experiences in this world, special in every way – even in the way it grows and challenges you. 

Your baby is still waking multiple times at night. Your toddler seems to be endlessly whiny and refuses to obey your instructions. Your primary schooler cannot seem to get that math concept right no matter how many times you try to explain it. 

You’re tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. It constantly feels like things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You’re going through the motions, and it never feels like enough. 

As tough as it may be to see beyond this current season, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time. 

In the sowing and the waiting, what does it mean to trust the process? 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations – and in place of that, have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. In its time, it will culminate into something beautiful. 

While that can sound scary, learning to trust the process is an important mindset to have while journeying through the unchartered waters of motherhood and all it entails. By shifting your focus away from the things that cannot be controlled, it takes off burdens that we often unknowingly and unnecessarily carry, so that we can focus on what and who truly matter. 

Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. 

What it looks like to trust the process in motherhood: 

1. Embrace the uniqueness of your journey 

Drawing comparisons is a surefire way to discourage ourselves. Consciously or subconsciously, we find ourselves looking at other kids’ developmental progress and behaviour, and how other mums seem to be coping – and use that as a yardstick for how we are doing in our own journey of motherhood. 

Often, this can leave us feeling demoralised about the ways we are bringing up our own children, wondering if we are doing what is “right” for them. 

While there may be some basic and helpful principles in parenting, there is no manual that comes with the role. As with all human interactions and relationships, there is no guarantee that doing A would result in B. 

Every child, every mum and every relationship is different; what works well for one child may end up being the most unhelpful approach when it comes to another. 

Your story and journey are distinctly yours, and it is only when we start to appreciate our uniqueness and that of our children that we see the beauty of being content with our own special journey of growth.  

You are the mum your child needs. 

2. Show yourself grace 

Let’s admit it: We are works-in-progress, and will always be. 

We know that there is no perfect mother and no motherhood journey free from challenges, yet we can be so quick to beat ourselves up for our mistakes or when the guilt of not doing enough for our kids creeps in. 

Whether it came in the form of snapping at your child when they asked, “Why?” for (what felt like) the hundredth time in a day or feeling bad about leaving the room the very second before your baby falls off the bed, we have our share of regrets when it comes to being a mum. 

Even then, every impatient and harsh response can be an opportunity to seek forgiveness, every moment of failure a chance to reflect, and each desperate cry for a breather a reminder that we are human. While these experiences are uncomfortable and painful, they are opportunities for growth, shaping our character and the relationship we share with our kids. 

Being a mother is no easy feat. It demands a lot—if not all—of who we are, and there is room to show yourself compassion as you grow with grace. 

Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

3. Play the long game

Motherhood is a ride for the long haul and some seasons are going to be more challenging than others – the first few weeks without the confinement nanny, having two under 3, a child’s adjustment to primary school, relational struggles with your teen; all on top of personal struggles. 

At the lowest points of your journey, it can be tempting to quiet-quit and give up trying. 

The growth mindset would argue that these situations are opportunities to build resilience, learn and become better versions of ourselves. Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character. 

To make the most of every season and to keep growing as a mum, we have to hold onto hope when we are in the trenches – and tell ourselves that, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes, before we know it, our child finally learns to soothe themselves back to sleep, or begin to read independently, or be potty-trained. Growth will spring forth in time to come. 

4. Celebrate growth 

A friend of mine frequently fretted over how frequently she would blow her top at her kids. When one day quite suddenly she realised that even when she had let out a few harsh words, she was able to pause mentally and physically, walk around the kitchen a few times while breathing to regain her calm, and then return to the scene a lot more in control of her emotions. 

It did not happen overnight and it certainly is nowhere near perfection. But trusting the process means believing that over time, there is some form of growth in the journey – even if it occurs it shows in ways you don’t expect. 

Whether it has got to do with your child’s developmental journey and meltdown frequency, or your level of patience and choice of response, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Compared to a week/month/half a year/one year ago, what changes are visible? 
  • Apart from this challenge, how else have I/my child grown? 

As you learn to celebrate both the small and big milestones in you and your young ones’ journey, you may find the assurance and encouragement that you need to take the next step, and then the next. 

 The burdens a mum bears are heavy and circumstances can be challenging, but when we take a step back and consider how far you’ve come, it shifts our perspective of the difficulties we face in the process. 

If you find yourself dutifully watering and tending to a seed in the soil but can’t quite see any growth above the surface, remember that roots need time to grow deep. As the plant grows, there will be seasons of weeding, of pruning, and seasons where it flowers and bears fruit. 

Signs of growth—both in your children and in you—will sprout all in good time. 

This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee.

From 3 to 13 May 2024, join us in encouraging mums of their growth in their precious journey of motherhood. Find out more at www.family.org.sg/AllinGoodTime. 

How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child

45-year-old Mr Tan had just about had enough. He walked into the counselling room with his face completely red, and recounted what had happened the night before. Mr Tan’s 17-year-old son Jeremy* was totally out of control. When Mr Tan found his son still engaged in  an online game at 2am, two hours after bedtime, he decided to switch off the WiFi in the house, and Jeremy went ballistic. 

“He went into the living room and started screaming. Then he started throwing everything on the floor. The whole house was in a mess!” exclaimed the irate man, his lungs about to burst. “It’s not the first time I’ve told him to stop. I just don’t know what to do with such a strong-willed child!” 

Before we address the behaviour of the child, we need to first understand all the variables that led to the behaviour.

Understanding the strong-willed child

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a “strong-willed” person as someone “determined to do what is wanted, even if other people disagree or disapprove.” From Mr Tan’s perspective, Jeremy was a “strong-willed” child who always wanted to do things his own way; someone who was “obstinate” and “stubborn”, and always refused to do what he was instructed. Mr Tan, wanting to assert his authority over his son, had entered into a power struggle with his son by switching off the WiFi.

According to Bryan Post, a specialist in the treatment of emotional and behavioural disturbance, we need to reframe the way we parent a child whom we believe to be “strong-willed”. Bryan, Founder of the Post Institute for Family-Centred Therapy, noted that a strong-willed child can trigger a strong-willed parent, and this could result in a negative feedback loop of intense emotional turmoil. When discussing the nature of the “will,” it refers to a “will to live,” and a strong will could sometimes stem from a feeling that “no one is able to take care of me other than me.”

The more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will.

Bryan observed that society is outcome-oriented, and that we mostly focus on the behaviour of the child, when it’s actually the relationship (the process) that leads to the outcome (the behaviour). As such, before we address the behaviour of the child, we first need to understand all the variables that led to the behaviour. For instance, did the child have a good sleep the night before? Is he or she hungry or tired, or encountering problems in school or with friends? 

Bryan’s observations are interesting, because the more we focus on the negative behaviour of a child, the more we forget about the positive aspects of having a strong will. This encompasses having strong opinions about the world around them, dogged determination and perseverance, and an acute sense of what is right and wrong.  

In fact, a strong-willed child could grow up to become an adult who will persevere to ensure that the task gets done. The person could tap on their deep sense of justice and the strong spirit of determination to become a change-maker in their sphere of influence. 

We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with.

Building the relationship

Parenting is about building relationships. How we connect with our children matters; this is something that I have been learning more and more as I go deeper in my counselling work with people who have experienced trauma.  

Bryan commented that the child often draws on their previous memories before deciding how to behave in a given situation. Building on this concept, we need to ensure that our children have positive experiences with us, in order to create a feedback loop of positive memories.  

The key to building positive experiences is to connect with our children in the everyday moments. We need to first connect before we attempt to correct. And we need to connect with them in a way that they can receive and relate with. 

Understanding strengths

Connection begins with understanding. And this begins when we understand our children’s strengths – what they’re good at, and what they like to do. My two sons love playing board games, so that’s what we do during the evenings at home and on holiday, playing board games together as a family.

Back to Mr Tan’s case, I learnt from him that Jeremy loved to play soccer and to eat Japanese food, in addition to playing online games. So, I suggested for Mr Tan to spend some time playing soccer with him during their free time, to take Jeremy to a Japanese meal once in a while, and to find out more about what games he liked – the characters in the game, the special powers, and other unique aspects of the game that appealed to the boy.

When I saw Mr Tan a few months later, he was happy to update that Jeremy no longer behaved the same way as before, and that he had reached an agreement with his son on what would be an appropriate time to stop playing each night. “It was almost as if a miracle has happened!” he declared.

And often, such miracles can happen when we work at the relationship.


*All names and identifying features have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved.