Published on 03 September, 2025
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
The arrival of a child is a highly anticipated event. Parents wait with bated breath. Celebrations ensue at their birth.
I recall the birth of my first child with fond memory, marking it to be even more significant and momentous than my wedding. How I was filled with indescribable joy when I first cradled my newborn!
Yet, shortly after, the days and weeks that followed were one of the most challenging moments in my life. There was so much to learn, and so much to figure out. I likened it to being thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool and forced to stay afloat by hook or by crook.
In the trenches of caring for a newborn, sometimes our marriage, unfortunately, takes a back seat, and tensions can rise between husband and wife.
Caring for a newborn is physically demanding. We try to figure out feed and sleep schedules while playing guessing games working out what each cry means. As our days and nights meld into a blur, there is no rest for the weary. It is no wonder that patience grows thin and tempers run high.
Sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones affect our mental and emotional state. We get snappier and less kind. A simple question like “Have the clothes been washed?” can be easily misconstrued and feel like an attack on the person (even when there was no ill intent).
This new role of being parents comes with added responsibilities. It is no longer just about the two of us, but also about ensuring the care and survival of an additional member of the family. When before, after work meant time for leisure and rest, now it means extra tasks of feeding, cleaning, pacifying and getting baby to sleep.
All these add to the physical, mental and emotional load that a parent feels both in and outside of the home. And when one parent does not seem to pull enough weight in the home, it can cause tension and disagreements.
Relatedly, a newborn brings about changes to our lifestyle. Some of the things we could easily do before our baby came along become things of the past. Unless we have help at home, it would be very difficult to head out on spontaneous dates or to keep up with hobbies that bring us outside the home (for the initial newborn period at least).
It is easy to feel stuck in the situation and feel like we are no longer the person we used to be. Unhappiness and resentment can rear its ugly head and present itself in arguments between husband and wife.
What can we do to navigate these challenges and strengthen our relationship in the midst of caring for a newborn?
At some level, we need to understand that change is necessary when a newborn enters our lives. We cannot expect our lives to function in exactly the same way as before. We need to give ourselves grace and time to adjust to these changes—to get used to a new normal.
We all respond differently to change. One of us may find it easier to adapt than the other. In doing so, we may not understand or be empathetic towards the struggles the other person is experiencing.
We need to slow down and let go of some expectations or tasks so that life can become more manageable. For instance, we may have to be willing to simply do the bare minimum in maintaining a clean house, or reduce the number of social activities we engage in.
Work together to find a new rhythm and routine in this new season of life.
Many disagreements in the home stem from misunderstandings or unclear communication. It is too easy to have unspoken expectations. As this is a new role for both parents, we need to give each other space to ask questions, find solutions, make mistakes and learn from them.
Let each other know what our needs are. Talk about the changes that need to be made in the home and assure each other of our continued support.
Be patient and bear with each other when unkind words are unintentionally spoken.
Most times it is the tiredness and hormonal changes speaking. Other times it could be the sheer pressure from trying to perform at one’s best ability both inside and outside the home.
As much as we may want to do things on our own, there is no shame in asking for help. Even an occasional breather to take an uninterrupted shower or a walk around our estate can do wonders for our mental and emotional health. The help can come from our spouse or externally from extended family and friends.
Be clear in what we need each other to do so that family life can continue to thrive through the stressors of caring for a newborn.
With the multitude of demands, it is too easy to behave as roommates or even teammates, simply focusing on getting things done, and neglecting the spousal relationship. Carve out some time to catch up and connect with each other, even if it were just five minutes a day. Bring a drink to your spouse, lean in for a hug, offer a massage. Show up for each other.
Emotional connectedness helps us know that we are weathering the storms of life together.
When we know our spouse is not the enemy, tensions will ease and empathy increases. After all, we are husband and wife first before father and mother.
A strong marriage is the best gift we can give to our child. The challenges that may arise from caring for a newborn may seem overwhelming. But as we patiently work through these difficulties, it will bear much fruit in building and strengthening our marriage to last every season.
Even healthy marriages need support once in a while. If you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, reach out to one of our counsellors.
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
