When Your Marriage is Stormy
When Your Marriage is Stormy
Can hope be rekindled?
Published on 15 January, 2024
The thunderstorm is raging, with ominous thunder and wild winds. In this weather, you feel like it is time to call it quits.
The warmth of the sun is no longer present – your words, your actions are cold and harsh. You look around your home and marriage, and feel like everything has been in vain. There’s no trace of love or positive things to show for the years you put in.
Your conversations are functional at best. Your interactions are equally distant. Perhaps you both feel that it is better to spend less time together because that means less likelihood for conflict.
Separate beds, zero intimacy – each with your own lives despite living under the same roof.
Some settle for marriage as a living arrangement for the children’s benefit; as soon as the children are independent, they want to go their separate ways.
Your marriage may unexpectedly enter into Stormy weather with the discovery of infidelity or it may gradually drift into it from prolonged periods of negligence and inaction.
Yet what is more important than the current circumstances is how couples choose to respond.
Gary Chapman in his book The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage has this to say: “All couples face difficulties, and all couples have differences. These differences may centre on money, in-laws, religion, or any other area of life. Couples who fail to negotiate these differences will find themselves in [a place] created not by the difficulties of life but by how a couple responds to those difficulties. When one or both marriage partners insist on ‘my way or not at all’, they are moving their marriage toward [a cold, harsh, and bitter marriage].”
In a Stormy marriage, problems seem big and solutions appear far away. You are hurt, lonely and discouraged. There are regrets and you’ve replayed many “if only” scenarios in your mind. You yearn for a marriage in better weather, but it feels like it’s not going to come.
The hope in a stormy marriage
It takes only one party to put the marriage into Stormy weather, but it will take both to move out of it.
Can hope be restored in this storm?
Desperation can bring out tenacity, which we didn’t know existed in us before—a desperation that drives us to fight for our marriage.
It takes only one party to put the marriage into Stormy weather, but it will take both to move out of it.
Be open to seek professional help from a marriage counsellor or family therapist. Do not isolate yourself from friends and other married couples; your community and support system are crucial for you and your spouse to walk out of this rough storm.
Remember, the weather can change. The storm is here, but it doesn’t have to last forever. You can make a change.
Making the best of a stormy marriage
For the husband
What can you do in this weather?
- If the relationship is so tense that you are no longer speaking to your wife, write down your thoughts on how you want the marriage to improve and pass it to her. Communication is key in rekindling your marriage.
- Taking proactive steps to show love and appreciation to your wife may not feel so natural right now, but persisting in it can soften her heart and cause her to be tender towards you again.
- Listen attentively and engage her through eye contact when she is speaking to you. You may not be ready to respond, but choosing to stay and listen shows her that you still care for her.
- Find a male mentor or coach whom you can confide in and take advice from.
Things to watch out for:
- Draw clear boundaries so that you don’t try to find intimacy in other friendships. This would only complicate the issues that you and your wife have to work through.
- Avoid replaying the blunders in your mind and rehashing pain from the past. It can become a vicious cycle, making it harder for you to forgive and move on.
- Habits can be hard to break. Don’t go back to old ways of dealing with conflict, but consciously choose healthier patterns of communication, even if it feels counter-intuitive.
- It may feel easier to focus on your wife’s faults than perceive the good things in her right now. Be intentional to write down what you are thankful for about her.
Surround yourself with friends and family members who will support and encourage you in restoring your marriage.
For the wife
What can you do in this weather?
- Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, and guard yourself against the downward spiral of rumination or despair.
- Taking proactive steps to show love and appreciation to your husband may not feel so natural right now, but persisting in it can soften his heart and cause him to be tender towards you again.
- Spend time recalling and noting down the better days in the marriage. How was it like? What did he do that you loved? Share these memories with your husband.
- Surround yourself with friends and family members who will support and encourage you in restoring your marriage.
Things to watch out for:
- Protect your heart and mind, so that you don’t try to find love and acceptance elsewhere. This only drives you further away from your husband.
- Be careful not to put down your husband in front of your family or friends, whether within earshot or not.
- Habits can be hard to break. Don’t go back to old ways of dealing with conflict, but consciously choose healthier patterns of communication, even if it feels counter-intuitive.
- It may feel easier to focus on your husband’s faults than perceive the good things in him right now. Be intentional to write down what you are thankful for about him.
Couple conversations for this weather
- What were the dreams and goals we had for our marriage?
- How have I hurt you the most in our relationship? How can I make amends in ways that would meaningful to you?
- What does it mean for us to “forgive and forget”? How can work on our marriage together to move forward together?
- What are some things we can do for each other that would give each other hope and motivation for a better marriage?
It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love.
A thriving marriage in every weather
Every bride and groom enters into their union with a promise to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do they part.
When all hope seems to be gone, take a moment to consider your marriage vows. As someone once said: It is not love that sustains the marriage, but marriage that sustains the love.
“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect… I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And that promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them; it was the promise.” – Thornton Wilder
There can be beauty and growth in each weather your marriage is in. So, hold tight to the good, work hard at the difficult, and commit to journey through life together.
No matter what weather your marriage is in, you can make your relationship with your spouse the best that it can be.
Your marriage can survive this weather, and thrive.
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