Published on 18 July, 2025
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
There is an unfortunate joke that is sometimes told at weddings: What are the three rings in a marriage? Engagement ring; Wedding ring; Suffering. Cue peals of laughter from those who are further down the road, those clueless of what’s to come and those who choose not to experience it at all. But, does it have to be this way?
Speak to any couple on their wedding day and suffering is the furthest thing on their mind. After all, some coin the wedding day as the happiest day of their lives. Come what may, couples promise to love and stand by each other’s side through thick and thin.
Cut to a couple of years down the road and things may not be the same. Past the honeymoon period; deep in the trenches with young children or struggling with infertility; faced with mounting bills and mortgages; dealing with stressors at work or in the home. The blessed blissful life that you once envisioned may seem like a distant memory.
Perhaps you’ve settled into a comfortable or worse, uncomfortable familiarity. Sometimes this familiarity breeds contempt. You take each other for granted. Your life-long partner starts to feel more and more distant. Suddenly, you behave more like roommates than husband and wife. What happened to those romantic feelings of yesteryear?
Those with years of experience in marriage will tell us that marriage is not a walk in the park. There will be so much to enjoy but also much to struggle through. It is hard work keeping a marriage alive. But it is a work that is worth investing in for the joy of having someone journey alongside you through life’s ups and downs.
When the chemistry runs dry and your marriage feels like its hit a standstill, perhaps it’s time to take stock and see what can be done to get it back on the right track.
This is likely the number one advice all couples receive—to communicate well with our spouses. It is also the one thing we often struggle to do. It is too easy to expect our spouse to know what we want or how we feel without saying anything.
The sentiments behind “You should know!” belie the desire to be known. And yet, how can one know unless it is revealed. We need to be open and willing to speak about any and every thing in a gentle and kind manner, without resentment or accusation; and for each other to be willing to listen with compassion and without judgement.
Even after five, ten or even more years, we may be surprised to learn new things about our spouses or to learn new ways of communicating with each other. It is only when we are speaking truth in love, revealing our deepest fears and joys, and being good listeners will we grow in understanding and support of each other.
Good communication grows our emotional connectedness with each other. We feel heard. We feel understood. We feel loved.
Every person likes to be appreciated. A simple “Thank you” puts a smile even on a stranger’s face, what more for our nearest and dearest. When we are overwhelmed with problems in marriage and family, it can be hard to look for the silver lining in the grey clouds. But if we can change our perspective and start from a point of gratitude, we can view our circumstance through a new lens.
Let’s start with complimenting our spouse, saying “thank you” for the good work that is done both in and outside the home; for mundane, unseen chores that keep the home running; for daily labour that provides for the family; for efforts to build family life. Sometimes we need to recall what attracted us to our spouse in the first place. Be thankful for all those good qualities and express it.
Gratitude brings about more smiles which in turn leads to happier homes.
Singaporeans are busy people. We have packed schedules and are often rushing from one thing to another. Life gets in the way when we are inundated with bills, responsibilities, chores and caregiving. And yet, we thrive on safe, secure, loving relationships that ground us and give us impetus to have meaningful and fulfilling lives.
We need to take the effort to connect with our spouse no matter the season.
Find things that both of you can enjoy together, whether it’s having a nice meal, going for a walk in the park or finding a common hobby. Revisit some of the things you used to enjoy together while you were dating. Find ways to spend quality time with each other. Physical touch and intimacy is so important in building connectedness as well. Don’t neglect such moments!
While regular dates are a “nice to have”, in reality, it may not be an easy arrangement, especially once we have children. It is equally important to connect on a daily level where our thoughts and feelings are expressed and heard, where a simple “How was your day?” or “How can I help you?” is asked. That way, a simple dinner at home becomes a precious opportunity to connect emotionally over meaningful conversations.
At the core of our marriages is the commitment we made to our spouses on our wedding day to love and cherish in all circumstances, good and bad. When love wanes, sometimes, we need to revisit this promise, be reminded of it and be willing to hold fast to the commitment that was made. Our promise to each other undergirds and gives meaning to all the efforts we make for the sake of our marriage, to keep loving one another.
Marriage brings out the best and worst of us. We love deeply but also hurt intensely. Living with someone different from ourselves, raising children together or going through difficult circumstances can be very stressful. But, all good things take work. In time and with much effort, our marriages can be true blessings for ourselves and the people around us.
What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Join our upcoming Just Married workshop to learn the essential skills to building a thriving marriage.
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
