Published on 01 April, 2025
Tracey is a full-time mother of six, part-time dreamer and writer at her blog, Memoirs of a Budget Mum. Those who know her well know she gets through life with a good joke, coffee and the occasional Netflix.
Intimacy serves as the bedrock for a strong marital relationship, yet fostering deeper fulfilment through sexual connection is something that requires mutual effort, understanding and connection between spouses.
It is not surprising that the ebb and flow of sexual intimacy moves along with us through the changing seasons of life. For a newly married couple, sex may be an exciting journey of discovering our spouse’s wants, needs and boundaries. For a young couple, eager to start a family, sex may look routine and rostered in a bid to “optimise” fertility windows. For couples with young children or a busy work schedule, sex may look like an obligation that clashes with one’s tiredness and fatigue. For a mature couple, it could be a second chance to rekindle the romance when the children have left the nest. For an elderly pair, sex may not be as much prioritised as it was in the earlier married years, as compared to companionship in the latter years.
Hence, it is to be expected that our sex life grows and changes as we grow and change. Sex will mean different things to a couple at different stages of their lives.
Our sex life may also hit some roadblocks along the way, and these could be timely opportunities for us to evaluate our marriage and to identify and talk through the issues involved. Some possible hindrances to bedroom intimacy include:
Physical Factors
A common question that often plagues married couples is the issue of frequency: “How long is too long to go without sex?”
According to Dr Israel Helfand, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, there is no right number. As it turns out, some have intimacy more often and some less. However, “frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires.” Hence, while many people believe that a healthy marriage requires frequent intimacy, it’s more about the quality and not quantity of intimate moments together.
In this respect, here are a few ways to work on the quality of our interactions in our married life to improve the quality of interactions in the bedroom.
Frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires.
Most couples would rather avoid such frank and awkward conversations around intimacy, but a strong relational foundation fosters an environment where intimacy can thrive. This looks like: engaging in regular conversations about our sexual desires and needs, and communicating with our spouse when we are going through stressful seasons, such as a demanding job project or parenting challenges, as these can significantly impact desire.
Based on my experience, even a small change, like setting aside 15 minutes at the end of the day to talk, can alleviate stress and improve closeness. For example, during busier child-raising periods in our lives, my husband and I communicated our needs and adjusted our expectations, finding that our connection deepened even when physical intimacy was less frequent.
Emotional intimacy is the precursor to physical intimacy. Creating time for meaningful interactions, such as date nights or shared hobbies, reinforce the emotional connection. As a couple, carving out time for shared moments, whether through a quiet dinner or a simple walk, has enhanced our appreciation of each other, enriching our physical intimacy as a natural extension of our closeness. Introducing novelty, such as new activities, hobbies, or travel, can also increase romantic and sexual interest in each other.
Maintaining regular physical affection beyond just sex, like cuddling and touching, is important. Physical touch is an important aspect of nurturing intimacy. Non-sexual physical affection, such as hugging, holding hands, or cuddling, can maintain a sense of physical closeness and comfort, leading to enhanced sexual intimacy.
Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and openness with your spouse cultivates a secure environment where both spouses can express vulnerability.
Trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and openness with your spouse cultivates a secure environment where both spouses can express vulnerability.
Trust grows through consistent actions and by keeping promises in real life, while unresolved conflict can serve as a barrier to intimacy. Over time, resentment and tensions can seep into our receptiveness towards intimacy if nagging issues are not resolved honestly. We need to take time to work on any relationship cracks that undermine our closeness and connection as husband and wife.
Sometimes, we all need some extra help to sort out relationship kinks. My husband and I have benefitted from numerous marriage retreats and marriage enhancement courses that have helped us spend special time as a couple while enhancing different aspects of our married life.
For those experiencing heightened conflict or recurring issues, seeking marriage counselling or external help from a doctor or a therapist can be beneficial. Wellbeing factors, such as one’s physical or mental health, can often go unnoticed. A friend’s spouse once encountered medication side effects that impacted their intimacy. Understanding this allowed them to seek prompt medical advice and find alternative solutions.
By seeking counselling and therapy, couples can enhance their relationship dynamics, which in turn strengthens their bonds of intimacy and love. It’s all about creating a nurturing environment where both spouses feel valued, understood, and connected, allowing intimacy to flourish naturally.
What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!
Tracey is a full-time mother of six, part-time dreamer and writer at her blog, Memoirs of a Budget Mum. Those who know her well know she gets through life with a good joke, coffee and the occasional Netflix.
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