SAHM or FTWM, Love is a Decision
Every season has its ups and downs
Published on 12 May, 2023
What does it mean to focus on the family? Can a full-time working mum who comes home past dinner feeling tired and worn out focus on her family? Can a jet-setting dad that sees more flight cabin crew than his own children focus on his family?
I believe the answer is yes. Yes! Busy parents can be family-focused. They can prioritise family first and give their best to their family. Yes! But: for them to do so, isn’t easy. In fact, it is extremely difficult. But, possible! Yes, possible!
Would it be easier for mums to quit their jobs and focus on staying at home and bringing up the kids? Would it be easier for them to find part-time employment with flexibility?
1. The different seasons
I have actually been through all these seasons: I was a full-time homemaker for three years, a part-timer with flexibility for twelve years, and in the past three years, I’ve become a full-time working mum.
You would think that having experienced all kinds of work-life arrangements, I could tell you which arrangement is the best. Yet, frankly speaking, it is difficult for me to come to any clear conclusion.
Every season came with struggles, sacrifices and challenges. Concurrently, every season also brought joys, rewards and growth.
For example, when I was a full-time homemaker, I struggled with the repetitive, mundane work that I did at home. I couldn’t wait for my husband to come home so that I had someone to talk to, as well as someone to pass my son to, so that someone else could deal with the incessant babbling and crying.
As a part-timer with flexibility, I struggled with juggling everything. At one workplace, my employer adopted an attitude of “as long as she doesn’t complain, let’s keep giving her more work”. I was supposed to be part-time, but ended up with a full-time load on part-time pay!
These were also the years when my kids had entered primary school and in order to save money on tuition fees, I became my kids’ full-time tuition teacher. All these part-time-but-actually-full-time “jobs” conspired to make me feel partly-and-also-fully overwhelmed at times!
And now, as a full-time working mum, I struggle with being stuck in long, meaningless meetings, and having no headspace to plan a fun weekend activity for the family or simply research a new recipe to cook with my kids.
Every season came with struggles, sacrifices and challenges. Concurrently, every season also brought joys, rewards and growth.
2. Discovering the joys
So far, I have only shared my struggles. But there were definitely joys at each stage too! I have so many more anecdotes and tales to tell of my kids growing up, because I was with them when they were young. Because I spent a lot of time with them in the early days, we are very close and connected, and I am blessed that my two teen sons talk to me and confide in me, sometimes even seeking me out for comfort when they feel like crying.
During my daughter’s PSLE year, we spent an inordinate amount of time taking walks all around Singapore. It was as if she had been bitten by a walking bug. We would drive out to all sorts of neighbourhoods to walk, chit chat, and explore Singapore.
It was stress-relieving and bonding at the same time, and a great way to “walk” my youngest child through her first high-stakes exam. And all this was enabled by the fact that I had a flexible work arrangement and was able to be home for her some weekday afternoons.
And now, as a full-time working mum, there is the joy of being able to converse with the kids about working life, sharing with them life values as I encounter inspiring people or deal with difficult personalities and work requirements that require a great deal of stamina and resilience.
In whatever season you find yourself in, in whatever work-life arrangement, focusing on the family is a decision you will have to make.
3. Balancing it out
In summary, there are ups and downs in every work-life arrangement. And there is no perfect balance and no perfect season. And thus, this brings me to my conclusion.
Instead of asking which work-life arrangement is the best, and wondering if we would focus more on the family if we changed this or that about our work-life balance, we could be thinking differently. Here is the important part: Love is a decision.
What this means is this: In whatever season you find yourself in, in whatever work-life arrangement, focusing on the family is a decision you will have to make. It is a decision, meaning it is intentional. It will require commitment of thought and action, and it will require sacrifice.
You can expect struggles, sacrifices and challenges. But you can also look forward to joys, rewards and growth. It is always going to be a decision. It is always going to be extremely difficult. And it is always going to be possible.
That is what I have learnt having experienced all kinds of work-life arrangements. It is neither better nor worse in any season, since every season is not perfect and has its set of pluses and minuses. In fact, I would say heartily that every season is extremely difficult.
What remains is this: Love is a decision. Decide now to focus on your family, and do it to the best of your ability in whatever season you find yourself in now. It is possible. Yes, it is!
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