Navigating Touchy Relationships with Parents and In-Laws
Navigating Touchy Relationships with Parents and In-Laws
Is it possible to love when we’re hurting?
Published on 05 September, 2024
“What do you mean you will no longer be coming back for Sunday dinners? Does that mean you don’t care for the family anymore? Marriage doesn’t mean you walk out on your family you know?! After all I’ve done to bring you up, is this how you treat me? You’re so ungrateful!”
Outbursts.
We are all familiar with them, especially with our loved ones, like our family and close friends. It is uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of an outburst, and even more embarrassing to be the one experiencing it.
An outburst is a cry to be heard. Beyond the harsh words uttered, it’s a cry for help that reveals an unmet need. However, understanding this doesn’t erase the hurt we experience.
How can we respond to an outburst with compassion, tact, and curiosity, while still addressing the pain we feel? How can we reframe an outburst from a loved one as an opportunity for relational growth, instead of a moment of deep disconnection?
Here are some steps I’ve learned to take, which are especially relevant for those about to get married or newlyweds navigating parental expectations, perhaps even with your new in-laws.
An outburst is a cry for help that reveals an unmet need.
1. Take a timeout and walk away
Continuing from the example above, I was in shock after the outburst from my mother. I didn’t mean to hurt her with my comment, but its effect on her had already been felt. I now had two options:
1. React to her comments with an equal or greater degree of anger and unkindness. Scream horrible names and insults before storming out of the house. In a final attempt at self-defence, resolve in my heart never to speak with her again.
2. Take authority over my emotions, walk away from the heated situation to give myself a breather, and avoid retorting with something mean and hurtful which I’d regret later.
I chose the latter option and informed her that I needed some time alone before I could speak to her again.
Take authority over my emotions, and walk away from the heated situation to give myself a breather.
2. Get curious about my own internal state
Once I had taken a step back, it was time to get curious about what was happening to me internally.
Over the next two days, I journaled down my thoughts and feelings:
1. I felt shock, shame, anger and embarrassment by my mother’s reaction and comments. Her words really stung, and I felt unsafe with her. I required some distance and space from her.
2. I felt that I had failed to meet my mother’s expectation, even though I deeply desired to love her and meet her needs. That made me sad.
3. It’s not that I don’t care for her or the family anymore, but I would love to set a new rhythm and routine for my emerging family. That takes time, and I can’t commit to our usual weekly Sunday dinner routine, at least not in the initial months of my new marriage.
4. I felt sad and heartbroken that my mother wasn’t able to see my intentions. I wondered what she was thinking and feeling in that moment of her outburst.
I then took time to process and share my pain with a trusted friend, and with my then fiancée. This process of catharsis helped me to gain a greater sense of confidence to approach my mother again.
Empathy allows us to treat others with care and tenderness even when we feel hurt and unjustly treated by them.
3. Get curious about your loved one’s internal state
Once I’m more settled and calm, it’s time to get curious about what my mother was really trying to say beneath her initial outburst of displeasure.
This is the practice of empathy, which is defined as the ability to perceive another’s needs, desires, and pain. Empathy allows us to treat others with care and tenderness even when we feel hurt and unjustly treated by them.
I asked myself these questions:
1. What was she really trying to communicate beneath her hurtful comments?
2. What does she need from me as I transition into marriage and leave the family?
3. What is she experiencing emotionally and mentally, as she prepares for my departure and absence?
4. How can I work to meet her needs, while not sacrificing my own needs and desires in the process?
As I attempted to empathise with my mother, I figured that she was probably struggling with a level of separation anxiety, as she anticipated my departure from the family home. Being the first child to get married, it’s likely her first time experiencing such an intense emotion, and perhaps she didn’t quite know how to communicate her underlying feelings of sadness to me. She possibly didn’t know how to tell me that she’d miss me after I leave.
4. Pursue healthy confrontation, using assertive communication
It’s not easy to restrain oneself from reacting to another’s outburst, especially in the immediate moment when we feel hurt, shocked, and disrespected. While I couldn’t control what my mother said or did, I sure could control how I responded to her.
I resolved in my heart that I wanted to respond with sensitivity, compassion, and respect. I wanted to practise assertive, healthy communication while also expressing my empathy for her.
While I felt uncertain about her response, I knew this relationship was important to me. Therefore, I was willing to pursue the uncomfortable but necessary confrontation.
At the point of writing, I have yet to communicate this to my mother. But this is what I hope to share with her eventually:
“Hey mum, I was really hurt a few days ago by the remarks you made when I shared with you about my plan to no longer have weekly family dinners with the family. I’m sorry this is so difficult for you, and I can imagine how sad and hurt you must be feeling as you anticipate my absence from a routine we’ve been having as a family since I was a child. I know you love me a lot, and you will miss me once I leave, and I am sorry you have to go through this pain. While this doesn’t change my decision, I want you to know that I still do care for the family. Can we talk about how this care may look different once I am married?”
Part of the hard work of managing conflicts is to learn that we cannot control the outcome of a healthy confrontation.
5. Release the outcome and future of the relationship
As I prepared to address the earlier incident with her, I learned to let go of the expectation that she would understand and receive my intentions for resolution. Part of the hard work of managing conflicts is to learn that we cannot control the outcome of a healthy confrontation; we can really only choose to practice healthy, assertive communication, and invite the other person to do likewise. But it’s still a risk, and there’s no guarantee they would reciprocate our intentions.
It takes mutual respect, commitment, and trust for a healthy relationship to exist between two persons. Our responsibility is simply to do all we can to bridge the gap between their needs, and ours.
While I can hope for a thriving and satisfying relationship with my mother post-marriage, I know it’s not possible without healthy conflict management from both sides. Relational maturity happens when I recognise my responsibility to build my side of the bridge (not more, not less), and keep the channels of communication open, while releasing the need to control the other person.
Relational patch-ups are messy, and takes hard work from both sides. But the possibility of restoration and growth is worth it!
The next time you experience a loved one’s outburst, may you find the courage to take a timeout, get curious about your internal state and theirs, and pursue a healthy confrontation with them after. Whatever the response of your loved one, may you rest in the knowledge that you’ve done your part to mend the relationship.
*Some details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties involved. These 5 general steps can be applied in other contexts– whether with our spouses, significant other, or children, albeit it may look slightly different in each case.
