Keeping Your Marriage Strong When Facing Infertility
Finding hope on the path to parenthood
Published on 30 July, 2024
Skye Tan
author
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mom to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
For many couples, marriage and children seem like a natural progression. But what happens when you are contentedly married, done with your honeymoon couple phase, ready to start a family, and then unexpectedly find out that conceiving is much harder than expected?
Mark and Sue Lim, counsellors and trainers who also co-author a blog called Parenting on Purpose, weigh in on this sudden storm which is estimated to affect 1 in 6 couples in Singapore. Here is their story and tips for couples who are facing infertility.
Understand the emotional impact of infertility
Speaking from personal experience and their work with other couples facing fertility issues, Sue called infertility “one of the tough seasons of married life.”
“The main issue with infertility is that you really don’t know what’s at the end of the journey,” she said.
Discovering infertility involves a grieving process. Sue encourages couples in similar situations to “grieve fully” but “get up when you feel like you are able to… there’s always hope. There’s always someone around to talk to even though you may feel very lonely”.
Mark highlighted that uncertainty in any transition, be it a new job or a new child, adds stress. For both husband and wife, knowing you are not alone and being present for each other helps during this intense process.
“Every day is a chance to show love to your spouse, as you learn to navigate tough times, laugh together, and develop contentment for each other.”
Strengthen your marriage
During this period of uncertainty and stress, drawing closer to each other helps strengthen your marriage and keeps you united.
This is particularly important since couples usually discover fertility challenges in the early years of their marriage when they are still building the foundation of trust and life together.
Mark said, “You still have a lot of things to learn about each other so it’s important to know each other’s triggers – what makes your spouse upset and, conversely, what makes your spouse happy?”
He advocates for “doing things for your spouse not just on Valentine’s Day; every day is a chance to show love” as you learn to navigate tough times together, laugh together, and develop contentment for each other.
This conscious decision to love each other well daily is also part of “showing each other grace,” they said.
Mark pointed out that “marital life is not just about having a child,” however significant that may be. Using this difficult time to love each other well will benefit both spouses.
“Coping strategies like drawing boundaries, knowing your limits, and understanding that it’s a stressful time helped them give each other time and grace.”
Plan practically
Practical plans can also help alleviate the uncertainty and stress.
Mark shared, “We talked to a few other couples who either had fertility issues or were unsure about their family journey. Every couple has a different perspective and different expectations. We remember asking, ‘What do you want from the entire process?’ Especially if you are looking at IVF or TCM routes, then how long is enough before you decide on another route?”
While these conversations may be hard, these practical talks will help you both navigate this journey as a couple.
You can also discuss practical methods to handle unwanted questions from well-meaning friends or family members. Sue recalled that they had “stock replies,” and it helped to know that she and Mark were on the same page. They could laugh about some incidents, like being given fertility talismans from their aunties and uncles.
Being able to laugh over these also helped strengthen their bond.
Sue shared that coping strategies like drawing boundaries, knowing your limits, and understanding that it’s a stressful time helped them “give each other time and grace.”
They also took holidays together to escape the demands and stresses of routine life.
“Looking back now, we can remember very fondly some of the trips we had pre-children. I remember we took up scrapbooking too which was quite uncommon for the husband to get on board with, but Mark took it on. After our children came, we never scrapbooked again, so we treasure those scrapbooks we made in our early years… just find something you can do together, whether it’s sports or hobbies. It helps take your mind off things,” Sue said.
“Process your journey one step at a time, instead of forecasting into the future so your mind doesn’t run amok.”
Gain a different perspective
Talking to people who have been on the same journey can help you gain perspective and feel less alone.
“Process your journey one step at a time, instead of forecasting into the future so your mind doesn’t run amok,” Sue advised.
For the couple, who have been married for 16 years, talking to people in their church who had adopted children eventually led them to adopt. They now have two boys, aged 11 and 13, who they “cannot imagine life without.”
“As a counsellor, one of my questions was about identity and how we would disclose the adoption to our future children. Now looking back, all our fears were allayed. Our boys are so confident in talking about how they came to our family. I am so thankful for that,” said Sue.
She reflected, “Adoption is really a miraculous thing. One moment, you don’t have a child and then three days later, you have a baby or child with you. There’s really nothing like it. Looking back at it, we really wouldn’t have it any other way.”
At the end of the day, keep communicating with each other and supporting each other – Let your bond as a married couple be strengthened even in this storm. This bond is, like Mark said, the “anchor in a marriage” which keeps you in sync. So hold on tight to each other.
Skye Tan
author
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mom to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
