Published on 18 November, 2025
It’s a conversation no parent ever imagines having. Yet, when an affair has impacted your family, the question inevitably arises: Should I talk to my child about it? What can I say as needed, and what should I leave out to protect them?
Children are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. Even if they don’t know the details, they can sense when something is wrong—tension in the home, whispered arguments, or a parent suddenly moving out. So how can we approach this delicate topic with wisdom, honesty, and care?
In their book “Getting Past the Affair”, Professors Snyder, Baucom and Gordon advise parents that “In deciding what to say and do, make your children’s well-being your top concern.”1 With this in mind, carefully consider whether sharing about the affair would be in your children’s best interests, and ensure the age appropriateness of your sharing.
It would be beneficial for both of you to talk to your children together. Having both parents present conveys that this is a challenge which you will work through together, and can prevent either one of you from accusing each other. Furthermore, children often have questions, and having both parents present makes it easier to provide clear and consistent answers.
Also, even if you’re deeply hurt, resist the urge to paint the other parent in a negative light. Your child still loves them—and needs to. Speaking poorly about your spouse can confuse and hurt your child. Avoid blaming language like “Your father hurt me,” or “Your mother ruined everything.” Children should never feel like they have to take sides.
Dr Jared Tan, Principal Clinical Psychologist at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Before and after an affair, regardless of whether the marriage survives, children naturally feel loyalty to both parents. If this loyalty is not acknowledged and respected, it can lead to emotional and relational distress, which may harm both the children and the overall family dynamic.”
Primary and tween years (7-12)
For younger children, it may not be advisable to tell them explicitly that one of you had an affair. Instead, it could suffice to let them know that Mum and Dad are having difficulties getting along and feeling unhappy with each other at the moment. You might say, “Mum and Dad are facing a grownup problem, and we are getting help to work through this problem together.”
Children also often internalise conflict. They may wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” or “If I had behaved better, would this have happened?” Reassure them clearly and repeatedly that they did not cause this situation to happen and that it’s not their fault. You can say, “One of us made a mistake that hurt the other. We’re working through it, and we want you to know it’s not your fault.”
The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing.
Teen and emerging years (13-19)
Though it will still be as painful and difficult to accept, sharing with a teenager about an affair might be more advisable as they would be better able to process the situation and their emotions. Furthermore, they may already suspect or know more than you think. With them, honesty is important—but so is discretion. The goal is not to burden them with adult problems, but to help them make sense of what they’re experiencing.
Remember to share only what is necessary, constantly thinking through if the content of your sharing is in your children’s best interests. Honesty builds trust, but that doesn’t mean sharing every painful detail. Instead, focus on the truth in a way that protects your teen’s emotional well-being. Regardless of age, all children need reassurance that they are loved and safe.
It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain.
Your children may react with shock, sadness, anger and confusion. They are also likely to feel hurt, disappointed and betrayed by the offending parent, and struggle with trusting their parents or others in the future. It is crucial that both of you maintain a strong and caring relationship with your children, because this will help them better cope with the pain. Most importantly, remind them that they are deeply loved by both parents, and that will never change.
Their lives may feel unpredictable and beyond their control, and that can feel very frightening. In the midst of the uncertainty, your children need to know what isn’t changing. Hence, do whatever you can to maintain their typical daily routine to provide a sense of stability and predictability.
Primary and tween years (7 – 12)
Young children often worry, “Who will take care of me?” With this in mind, emphasise the constants: who picks them up, bedtime routines, school, and play. Show up for school events, meals, outings—whatever helps them feel grounded. Visual aids like a weekly calendar at home can also help to reduce uncertainty.
Some may ask many questions, while others may withdraw. Let them know their feelings are valid, and that you’re a safe place for them to express those feelings. Let them ask questions and express feelings through play, drawing, or simple conversation.
You also don’t have to navigate this alone. Family counselling or child therapy can provide a safe space for your child to process their emotions. It also models that asking for help is healthy and brave. If you are unsure how to start the conversation, a counsellor can guide you through it.
Teen and emerging years (13 – 19)
Ask what they’ve noticed and how they’re feeling, making effort to validate and not minimise their emotions. Assure them that you are willing to talk anytime, but also give them space to process on their own. Encourage them to seek out healthy outlets and support, like journalling, engaging in sports or favourite hobbies, confiding in trusted friends and finding support in faith and community groups.
Other than sadness and anger, teenagers may also feel ashamed or embarrassed about their parent’s affair, especially if others have been made aware of it. If shame turns into withdrawal, anxiety, or self-blame, consider asking your teen to go for counselling so that they can receive help to process the complex and deep emotions they are feeling.
1 Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on — together or apart. The Guilford Press.
Nelson and Gina
Workshop: March 2026
Nelson and Gina Lee have been accredited facilitators with Focus on the Family Singapore for over a decade, beginning their involvement conducting relationship talks for tertiary students since 2011.
Driven by a passion for nurturing strong relationships, they have extensive experience in facilitating dating workshops for courting couples and pre-marital programmes for those considering marriage. They have also have led marriage retreats designed to deepen connection and commitment among married couples.
